#joker crackfic

[shapeshifterraccoon]

dreams are so funny because I will wake up feeling amazing and being like "this was the best plot in all of human history and no film, book or fanfiction will ever even come close. revolutionary" and then I try to tell someone about it and it slowly dawns on me that "Phineas and Ferb were making spaghetti and everyone in the entire city wanted some and I was handing out tickets for it and then I remembered I was the joker and wanted to make a scene and go crazy but then I remembered that I had already known that I was the joker and had made the decision to pretend I wasn't. also for a brief moment I turned into the lego version of joker" is not, in fact, the best storyline to ever exist

[luminanightfall]

Yeah, honestly I like the idea of Joker not even getting a proper grave, and he definitely doesn't deserve to rest in Jason's spot. That bitch killed Jason, he doesn't get to defile his resting place as well, even if Jay clawed himself out and probably has a lot of trauma with that spot.

DP x DC prompt - Buried Bodies

The Joker hasn’t been seen for a while and it was concerning.

Danny just wanted to live a quiet life, well as quiet as an un-aging and immortal could live in a new dimension. He swears it was an accident. He didn’t mean to kill the weirdo clown. In his defense, the clown attacked him first. In his panic, he forgot about reporting the incident to the police and figured hiding the body was the best bet.

He just didn’t expect to be caught.

The last thing Jason expected when walking around Gotham was to catch a teen hauling Joker’s dead body through the park and attempting to bury it.

So he did what any Gothamite would have done when confronted with Joker’s dead body.

He offered his help.

Imagine their surprise when they realize they were neighbors.

Well as they say, people who bury bodies together, stay together.

[weirdo-from-bonesborough]

Crackfic idea: all the bats with brain injuries/brainwashing get magic’d back pre-recovery

Bruce has amnesia and forgot he’s Batman, Ric Grayson is back, Cass is evil again, Jason’s in his post-reincarnation catatonic state, Tim is Joker Jr., Babs has been Brainiac’d, and everyone has a concussion.

[momentomormor]

Roleplayer Intro

Name: Mag

Age: 22 (MDNI 18+)

Pronouns: they/them

Time roleplaying: 10+ years

Roleplay style: literate paragraphs ( or text, if I’m feeling lazy and want to rp fast )

Fav Tropes: love some good angst, enemies to lovers, some lighthearted crackfic type shit, fluff, h/c

Limits: fauxcest, incest, pedo shit, animal shit, basically don’t be a complete freak. Apart from this type of fuckery listed, you can ask if you want to write something and I’ll let you know if I’m down or not.

Fandoms

BBC Sherlock:

Mormor, prefer to write Sebastian but occasionally will write Jim

Johnlock, pretty rare that I ever write them but I’d likely write for either

Sheriarty, prefer to write for Jim

SeveRich, prefer to write for Severin

Marvel:

Winterhawk, will write either

Stucky, prefer to write bucky

Winteriron, will write either

Ironhawk, prefer to write Clint

Stony, prefer to write Tony (but will write Steve)

Marauders:

Wolfstar, will write for either

Jily, prefer to write for James (this is the only straight ship I can tolerate)

Modern Warfare 2 (2022):

GhostSoap (what the fuck is their ship name again? ghoap?) will write for either, but prefer Simon

GhostRoach ghroach or whatever, will write for either but prefer Simon

Watch Dogs 2:

Wrench/Marcus, prefer to write Wrench

Wrench/Josh, prefer to write Wrench

DC:

Joker/Batman, will write either but prefer joker

[kurootooru]

who the phantom thieves would main in mortal kombat 11

characters: akira//ren, ann, makoto, ryuji, yusuke, futaba, haru

type: crackfic; headcanons

note: wow look at me actually writing something

joker;

johnny cage main !!

akiren doesn’t really care about the meta, he just plays johnny cage because he loves the character and how ridiculously over the top he is

even though he doesn’t particularly care about the meta, he still keeps up with all the changes and updates to stay on top of his game; has watched hundred of combo tutorials

spends hours unlocking all the special skins for johnny and makes him wear the most absurd-looking outfits out there

knows literally every special move, crushing blow, brutality, fatality you can think of

in terms of play style, he’s actually a really solid player ; he just can’t resist ending combos with johnny’s signature nut punch but that exact fact is what can make him predictable at times

has some absolutely disgusting combos that take out like 90% of his opponent’s hp and are borderline unblockable but avoids using them when he plays with the phantom thieves to keep the competition fair

he has completely mastered the flawless block mechanic which allows him to take minimal amounts of damage; he never uses it when he’s playing with the phantom thieves and sometimes even lets the them beat him or sets up little handicaps for himself to stop the matches from ending too early (like never using his fatal blow)

overall; solid 8/10 player ; knows most of the mechanics and how to actually use them; just needs to switch to a more meta character

ann takamaki;

jade main !!

garbage player; only knows about two things - 1) how you attack 2) how you block

uses jade only because of her unblockable overhead and spams that single move and occasionally pokes the opponent with her staff

has no knowledge about combos and the crushing blows that she does randomly execute mostly come from random button mashing until the character just does something

due to her lack of knowledge, she can’t take advantage of the the combo opportunities that jade’s aforementioned overhead

overall; horrible player 4/10; she only gets a 4 because some of the others are worse (yusuke) and because her random button mashing sometimes leads to combos and crushing blows by sheer luck (she’s managed to beat joker once)

ryuji sakamoto;

button smasher !! but he actually knows some combos and will occasionally use them when he thinks it’s necessary but can beat most people (i.e the phantom thieves and noobs online without using them)

speaking of noobs, he loves destroying them online

he doesn’t necessarily have a main and can play with most characters reasonably well but he does have a soft spot for scorpion

he gets absolutely destroyed by haru but so does everyone else so it’s not that embarrassing

overall; he’s a half decent player 7/10

yusuke kitagawa;

do i even need to write about him? he’s never held a controller in his life before and he keeps asking joker where the L1/L2 and R1/R2 triggers are every time they play

he can barely land a hit, much less pull off a combo

picked his character based on aesthetics, tries (and fails) to do moves that look aesthetically pleasing

randomly starts rambling about art during matches to the point where it’s incredibly distracting for the other person, i could go on and on

overall; 1/10 player because i don’t have the heart to give him a 0/10 rating

futaba sakura;

mains whoever is meta at the time but has a soft spot for subzero because he was the first character he learned how to play with

knows every character well, she can execute combines perfectly and use move their moves strategically

she has frame data memorised so that she can punish opponents

she’s the only one other than akechi who can actually challenge the phantom thieves

loves smoking noobs online

overall; 9/10 player, she’s good at pretty much every aspect of the game

makoto niijima;

cassie cage main !!

she loves pulling off a good combo, she didn’t think she would be very interested in a game that involved a bunch of button smashing (from her perspective at least)

it was only when she lost to joker the first time and she realised that there was a lot of strategy and execution of specific strings of command that she was truly interested

she ends up learning the frame data for all her main’s moves and most of the combos, she’s nowhere near the level of futaba in terms of knowledge but she knows quite a lot

she’s also very interested in the lore

overall; a 7/10 player and can beat anyone on a good day

haru okumura;

baraka main and by far the best player among the phantom thieves, she prefers characters that just smash their opponents and don’t require intricate set ups or traps (monke brain)

she doesn’t know any combos on any frame data, she just somehow know how to execute some of the most difficult combos in the game

sometimes the person playing against her looks over only to her with a little smile on her face as her character brutally mutilates their opponent

the only person among the thieves who can beat futaba when she’s being serious

overall; a 9/10 player and someone everyone should be at least a little wary of

[electron-road-suspect]

Welp. Here's that crackfic I said I'd write, like, two months ago.

[msfcatlover]

I am never not thinking about my personal AUs. Which will probably never see the light of day, unless you ask me about them or I boil over into a handful of concept/rant posts to huck into the void like so many frisbees.

Please, ask me about my AUs.

Current AU brainworms (almost all batfam):

The Reverse!Robins AU, featuring Duke as the eldest, Nightwing!Damian, Oracle!Tim, Steph as the Red Hood figure, Jason getting the Red Robin arc, and Dick as Batman!Cass’s sidekick.

The Magnus Archives universe fusion, where almost the entire family are Avatars. Focuses more on the fun slice-of-life silliness of being a bunch of eldritch fear-eating monsters than the Horrors(TM), but also body horror & nightmare fuel are fun.

Low-fantasy Urban Fantasy AU. Supernatural entities are exceptionally rare, and that is why almost nobody in the family is one. Gotham itself is semi-sentient, the Wayne bloodline has a Fisher King style cursed-bond to the city, Dick is highly magic-sensitive, Jason comes back as a Revenant, Tim is a changeling.

Monster Batkids AU, aka “Every monster can’t be your son.” Dick is a living doll, Jason’s a gargoyle grotesque, Tim is a ghost echo, Steph is a dullahan (zombie edition), Cass is a homunculus. Bruce, Alfred, & Babs are still exceptionally talented humans. Damian’s a genetically-tweaked clone, which means he’s kinda straddling the line between the two groups.

Changeling!Jason. Catherine Todd had a little boy with eyes that sparkled like sapphires. Bruce Wayne took in a homeless boy with eyes like soft grey river-stones. They have the same Name, but they are not the same child.

De-aged RH. Jason made it all the way back to Gotham, but never kicked off his big comeback plan. Dick Grayson opens his door to find a very irritable 13yr old version of his dead little brother telling Dick that he’s been cursed & doesn’t remember anything.

De-aged Robins. Dick, Tim, Steph, & Cass went to bust a villain operation a few days ago before going completely dark. Jason kicks the door down, clears out the place, and finds four very fighty 10yr olds in need of rescue.

“If Worst Comes to Worst,” aka the time-travel AU. Robin lived long enough to see the entire family fall. Robin lived long enough to see the world, for all intents & purposes, end. Robin held the line for as long as possible, and when that line reached its end, Robin faced it on their own terms. Robin woke up again on the day Jason Todd was supposed to meet Bruce Wayne, and swore to fix everything that went wrong. The problem? There are 5 different Robins, from 5 very different apocalypses, with 5 very different sets of trauma responses, and 5 very different plans to save the world.

“Perchance to Dream (2, Batbros Boogaloo),” aka “Hey, what if that one episode, but Jason’s the one in the machine & Dick gets halfway stuck in there too while trying to rescue him, basically ending up an intangible, invisible specter in Jason’s dream?”

Talon!Jason. Shiela Haywood did not sell her son out to the Joker. The Court wasn’t happy to find themselves with the wrong Robin, but they made do. Five years later…

Talon!Dick. In which I say, “Hey, you know what there’s not enough of? Fics where Talon!Dick meets Street-kid!Jason, and they both go, ‘Oh, this loser definitely won’t survive on his own! Guess I have to adopt him now.’”

Platonic!ABO. Which is to say, a setting with the usual social & biological rules expected of A/B/O stories, but without any sex or romance. Because I have discovered that the found family hits extra hard, the sick fics are basically therapeutic for me, and I wanted to play with the family dynamics I kept seeing in other Platonic!ABO Batfam fics.

NTT coping. Please, ask me about all the brotherly bonding Dick & Jason could’ve had back in the 80s. I have many thoughts.

_______________________________________________________________

The Magnus Archives:

Archivist!Tim. Yes, seriously. Sick of this only showing up in crackfics, give Tim the respect (trauma) he deserves (desperately doesn’t)! (please, I have like 4 seasons outlined, please)

De-aged Archivist. Late s3, Jon gets turned back to his childhood self in both body & mind. It seems like it’ll likely wear off on its own, but in the meantime there is a child in the archives and nobody really knows what to do about that.

______________________________________________________________ Slay the Princess:

Slay the Monster. Death isn’t change, Death is stillness & stagnation. The construct is not frozen, it’s alive & ever-shifting. There’s a monster in the basement, and on a path in the woods there is a princess. She’s here to slay him.

Original Routes: The Dancer & The Dream (art)

[lilmissnatcat24]

I would like to hear about your documentary WIP please!

oh goodness me!!! this one is one i sorta tinker with every time i have a little bit of a block because it's so easy for me to do one of those no-think-only-write sort of things. so basically it's a few years after the events of me3, and the gang gets reunited to film a documentary about shepard and her adventures. it's meant to just be a silly little crackfic. i also go ridiculously feral for documentaries.

here's a snippet!

[Emily Wong]: How would you describe Shepard’s early life?

[Admiral Hackett]: Commander Shepard was born on Mindoir, a small farming planet, just on the edge of the Traverse.

[Lonnie Bridges, post-Mars human historian]: Mindoir was, by all accounts, a small, quiet colony-- well, less of a colony, and more of a village. At its peak, just as Shepard was reaching adolescence, it boasted a population of nearly ten thousand people. While most Alliance colonies were used for the mining and extraction of precious resources, Mindoir specialized in the production of grain and wheat products, which were shipped to other Traverse colonies in the region. 

[Liara T’Soni]: Shepard was born to parents Hannah and Trevor Shepard on April 11, 2154. She was only the second human to be born on Mindoir. 

[Selene Ng, professor of Human Galactic Colonization at Scott State University, Terra Firma]: Hannah and Trevor Shepard were your average frontiersmen. Hannah worked in food production, and Trevor worked in intergalactic shipping. It made sense for them to settle down in Mindoir, it was a great experiment for the time. It was meant for sustainability, for longevity. It was humanity’s chance to prove that they could sustain a colony of their own without any intervention from the Council or galactic governments. 

[Bridges]: It would have been a quiet childhood for Shepard. The schools of Mindoir only had a few children attending. She was an only child to parents that worked the 9-5 life. Mindoir boasted rolling fields of yellow grass, the three moons cast a warm, red light to the sky. I can imagine that she likely spent a lot of time outside, playing in the tall grass with the few other human children. 

[Conrad Verner]: The Shepards had a dog named Eezo. 

[Jeff ‘Joker’ Moreau]: (off-camera) Yeah… Is there a reason that Conrad Verner knows that? 

[T’Soni]: Shepard wasn’t, by any means, a standout students. She achieved modest grades but showed very little interest in school. She was a rather… precocious child-- which, to be perfectly frank, she did not grow out of. 

[Mateo Wellington, former Alliance biotic instructor]: Shepard was a biotic, and mind you, this was at a time where humanity was still very unsure about biotics. A heavy stigma followed them from birth, there was misinformation being peddled about how they were mentally addled or a threat to humanity. 

[Bridges]: A young biotic like Shepard, without the resources to properly build and learn her skills, must have been a struggle. Biotics, in their youth, tend to be incredibly hyperactive. They require almost double the caloric intake. At a time where so little was known about biotic abilities, one would assume that Shepard faced her struggles as a young child. 

[Verner]: Her favorite food as a child was chocolate chip pancakes. 

[Joker]: (off camera) Seriously, how the fuck does he know that about her? 

[Steve Cortez]: (off camera) It is… a tad concerning, isn’t it? [Joker]: (off camera) Right? Should we check his extranet history or something?

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

If Murder was a Meet Cute

by GlasgowSmileandGreyEyes

Danny “Phantom” Fenton is the definition of trouble. It follows him and on the days that it doesn’t he is somehow running after it. When Danny, for the need of survival, leaves Amity Park for Gotham University’s Astrophysics and Engineering programs, he only hopes that he can find a little bit of happiness. He takes up residence in Crime Alley and, for a whole year, he lives a relatively peaceful life. One night, at an ungodly hour of the morning, Danny is taking a stroll for some instant ramen, when someone attacks him from an alley. Obviously he defends himself, and, in the process, he kills none other than the Prince of Crime himself: The Joker.

He is in the middle of trying to figure out what to do when Red Hood catches him red-handed and promptly… lets him go???

Now, Danny keeps running into Red Hood while he commits unplanned crimes, and he isn’t quite sure what to make of it.

OR

The five times Red Hood aka Jason Todd caught Danny Fenton committing a crime, and the one time the criminal wasn’t Danny.

Words: 1586, Chapters: 1/6, Language: English

Fandoms: Danny Phantom, Batman - All Media Types, DCU

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: Gen, M/M

Characters: Danny Fenton, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, Damian Wayne, Tucker Foley, Jazz Fenton, Maddie Fenton, Jack Fenton, Bruce Wayne, Clockwork (Danny Phantom), Fright Knight (Danny Phantom)

Relationships: Danny Fenton/Jason Todd

Additional Tags: Danny Fenton Needs A Hug, Danny Fenton Has PTSD, Danny Fenton has ADHD, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd Deserves Happiness, Good Sibling Jason Todd, Good Older Sibling Dick Grayson, Damian Wayne is Robin, Damian Wayne is a Little Shit, Bruce Wayne Tries to Be a Good Parent, Bad Parents Jack and Maddie Fenton, Guys in White Organization (Danny Phantom), Guys in White Capture Danny Fenton, Ghost King Danny Fenton, Danny Fenton-centric, danny always drops really awful lines about his childhood and everyone is worried, Halfa | Half-Ghosts (Danny Phantom), Jason Todd deserves his book romance, Morally Gray Danny Fenton, Author has not read or played batman comics or games, Not Phantom Planet Compliant (Danny Phantom), DC means Disregard Canon, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, 5+1 Things, A bit of a crackfic, Who needs canon when you have caffeine and WILL, All it takes is pretty eyes and a chaotic neutral personality, for jason todd to fall in love

source https://archiveofourown.org/works/47837932

[folatefangirl]

summer writing/reading tag

I was tagged by @byjillianmaria (thank you!)

gonna tag a couple of people who might be keen: @displayheartcode and @kathrynabbott

1) Describe one creative WIP project you’re planning to work on over the summer.

u mean i have to do something besides make shitposts for the Tolkien fandom? Say it ain’t so! Erm. I’d like to work on the Tolkien crackfics I was already in the middle of writing and then maaaaybe gently dig into the notes for other things that were put on hiatus during internships/board exam studying/life hell and one laptop migration later cuz tbh I haven’t even tried to open them up in LibreOffice yet. Which reminds me I need to uninstall OpenOffice and upgrade it. Ughhhhhh.

2) Recommend a book.

Not a traditional book per se but if anyone is keen to read a niche bit of queer history that older queer people consumed before we had all the lovely media we enjoy today, the Strangers in Paradise comic by Terry Moore has been captivating me lately. Note: It’s dated (was developed in the late 80s/early 90s) and has some real wild shit. That being said, it’s an important part of queer history imo and I’m glad to have the chance to read it.

3) Recommend a fic.

I already recommended @longsightmyth‘s Bright Lights Cast Long Shadows series earlier this week so may I tell everyone about this fantastic Stardew Valley superhero AU by ohhgingersnaps? It was an extremely fun and relatable read.

4) Recommend music.

Joker Out from Slovenia has some very powerful vocals and voice chameleon skills and I’m mad jealous. Dude can sing in so many languages without breaking a sweat. Anyway here he is doing a really cool cover of Maneskin’s Zitti e Buoni (and yes he’s on spotify). I also like this other band cover a friend introduced me to recently. If I ever get back to any of the vaguely referenced WIPs from above, I really should see where the indie Chinese and Taiwanese music scene has got up to in the past couple of years cuz some of their playlists have been real good for tickling the writer brain. Berlin Psycho Nurses 柏林護士 have some fun stuff.

[fortjester]

okay let’s see here fic titles:

an ode to pizza

Battery

that one cup in my bathroom that looks like a bubble(it’s really cool)

squeeze

crimes

some of these have spoilers for gtn and/or htn, so reader's discretion! (thanks for sending so many, lol. got my brain moving)

an ode to pizza short modern setting oneshot, starring Ortus as he struggles w writers block and bemoans it to anyone who will listen (and also anyone who won’t), including the single employee behind the counter at a local, late-night pizza joint. the employee (Nonius, bc come on, who else was it gonna be?), tired but generally pretty pleasant, advises him to start small and not pressure himself into writing some colossal work, and suggests he start by writing abt something good that’s happened recently. Ortus instead becomes infatuated w the employee + validated by Nonius asking for updates on his writing, which does in the end actually solve his writer’s block. Only problem is that he can’t show Nonius any of his work, since it’s all abt him…

Battery Can’t think of anything particularly interesting to fit w this prompt (that i’m not actually planning on writing) so i’m going to extrapolate on a different definition of this word instead… women’s baseball team au; can either be modern setting or 40’s America, idc. Harrow’s no fuckin good at running and not particularly talented at batting but she’s got a mean pitching arm and an eye for catching batsmen out; Gideon’s got her sights on transferring to bigger league opportunities, as soon as she can catch a talent scouts eye with her awesome batting skills and get out of this dead end town. When Gideon finally does get poached, Harrow insists on being taken along, blackmailing Gideon into arguing her case; thus begins a tenuous alliance between the two as they get hustled into a ragtag women’s baseball league filled with similarly ambitious and equally skilled players from all over the place. Yes I am just pitching (ha) a TLTxLOTO fusion and idc if you don’t like it. Give me sapphic baseball content or give me death. Also just imagine w me Gideon coaching Harrow thru batting a lá holding the sword for her in ch37 gtn. beautiful, no?

that one cup in my bathroom that looks like a bubble (it’s really cool) Post gtn - As it turns out, getting rid of the part of her that can perceive Gideon means that whatever hole she tosses Gideon into is the same hole part of her own soul goes into. Harrow and Gideon’s fractured soul fragments have to navigate the labyrinth of Harrow’s own broken mind without getting caught, clotheslined into the well of her lobotomised brain and drowned, all the while not resorting to soul-on-soul violence or abandoning each other. Idk whether this is a pan’s labyrinth situation or a river bubble one or what, i just like the idea of gideon still having a harrow to seethe at.

squeeze Post-htn - Harrow wakes up in Gideon’s body and vice versa, and they individually decide to masquerade as each other until they can swap back. This goes about as well as you’d imagine, but they still give it a red hot go, and try to convince anyone who discovers the truth to get in on it and help them. Probably a crackfic if i’m honest.

crimes Hot Sauce, Honesty, Beautiful Ruby, Born in the Morning, and Kevin, herald Nona w their many illegal triumphs pre-knowing her, and beg her for one in return. Think that one episode of Batman the animated series where the joker, two-face, poison ivy, and killer croc are at a poker game telling their Almost Gottim’ story, but they’re no-good delinquent tweens talking abt their best cons instead.

(still doin the ask game if anyone wants to send anymore fic titles)

[sasusakucore]

Batman crackfic idea: Some clowns decide to take revenge on the joker and beat him up because due to his crimes, the clown industry is suffering alot and they are not able to earn enough money.

[quotidian-oblivion]

Opinion on all hurt no comfort?

I bend to its will. Next question.

No, but every time I sit down to write something, I end up including some sort of feels. I could be writing a crackfic then suddenly my hands are either typing up emotional feels (like what happened with "A Gold Fucking Star" I swear it was supposed to be crack. I had crack in mind),

or I go onto a different google document and spew out a whole new angst idea or add onto some angst on a fic (which is how I created a plot about Tim being cuddled by the Joker while on cuddle pollen).

I quite literally bend to its will. Whenever angst/whump/hurt comes to me, whether I'm about to sleep, or I just woke up, or I'm on public transport, or I'm in class, or I'm detangling my feral sisters, I immediately leave and go write that idea up. No matter how sleepy or tired or engrossed I am in something, I cannot rest without typing it out and recording it somewhere.

For the poor person who might have found that paper that I discarded some days ago, I'm sorry. You did not deserve to see that that day.

I just love writing it though. I have several reasons why, but not a skeleton reason. Each reason correlates to the idea. Sometimes it's projection, sometimes it's a rant, sometimes it's for fun. It varies.

I do usually end up adding comfort to the hurt because I just feel so guilty! I could hypothetically do all hurt no comfort, but I cannot really do it without the comfort. You'll see what I mean because I literally created alternate endings for the no comfort fics where there is comfort.

So, I bend to its will, but after it's done possessing me, I counter it by adding comfort. That's a TLDR.

Reading it though...

Reading all hurt no comfort is different.

Reading it is something I extremely enjoy. But I haven't read many fics with no comfort.

Why? It's not because there is a lack of them, I know there is not. It's because I'm afraid of what will happen if I do read something with no comfort and it affects me very deeply.

I will probably go into a coma to daydream the hell out of a good ending. I would create so many fics, so many rants, and let out so much grief and anger.

But.

I enjoy them. I enjoy reading them. I enjoy writing them. I enjoy them.

Thank you so much for the ask, anon. Really. Thank you. So much. I love talking about whump and this was an excellent chance to overshare and rant.

whumper-dumps ask game

[hallowed-be-thy-username]

Ooo...can i please request Fem reader who have just been heartbroken by a one sided crush and then one day she met The Joker and he makes her forgot about her crush? Can be nsfw if u want 👀

Hello, anon! Ok so this is longer than I'd originally planned but I was having fun 😆 it’s a little story in the realm of a crackfic that I had a lot of fun with! I hope you like it!!

Self-insert, Ledger Joker x fem reader, crackfic

Word count: 2,121

Warnings: light nsfw, mentions of mild violence

Summary: Sometimes people surprise you with what they'll do when their back is up against a wall, even the Joker.

Who?

It had to happen today, of all days. You went to grab a coffee this afternoon and what did you see? The man she knew you were obsessed with had his lips on hers. Right across the street from the café, your so-called friend was making out with the guy you’ve had a crush on for years.

He was back in Gotham on a business trip. His stay would have been shorter if it wasn’t for state of things in the city for the past couple of weeks. It seemed your friend decided it was an opportunity to swoop in before you’d gained the confidence to do it yourself. But the kicker is that he’d already agreed to meet you for dinner tomorrow night on top of it. Looks like he gets around. You all had gone to the same high school years ago and things apparently haven’t changed much. Aren’t you too old for games like this? You tried not to dwell on it, you had a job to do, but it’d been burning in your stomach like caustic acid for hours now.

You resisted the temptation to text her, tell her you saw them. No, if they want to play games, you could play your own. So far you hadn’t come up with anything but the old stand-by, the silent treatment. But this needed something bigger.

Your revenge plotting would have to wait, though. A minor injury out on patrol last month landed you a position in booking at MCU just in time for shit to hit the fan. Being a Gotham police officer was nothing like you’d expected it to be. You had your sights set on helping the disadvantaged, the people who couldn’t catch a break in this god forsaken city, who fell victim to loan sharks and got stuck in an endless cycle of debt to the inexplicably powerful Mob presence here. But the amount of red tape and corruption making that hopelessly impossible was enough to make you resent your decision in the first place. By now, you were one drug possession arrest away from never coming back.

Today, however, had taken an interesting turn. Your eyes were glued to the tv screen in the front office where live coverage of the SWAT team’s descent on the Pruitt building captured everyone’s attention. Some were optimistic about it, but most of the talk around MCU was skeptical. “If he’s gotten out of it before, he can do it again.”

But they got him. Back up teams raced out of the precinct and everyone scrambled with nervous excitement to carry out preparations for his arrival.

You weren’t here the last time the Joker had been brought in. You were off duty and you’d found yourself feeling a little jealous that you weren’t. He was all Gotham talked about, particularly around here. You weren’t sure how many times you’d seen his face by now. That face. There was something about the way he looked into the camera, it sent a tingle down your spine. It was a strange mixture of fear and fascination. It left you feeling conflicted, uneasy from the butterflies it stirred in your stomach, like you shouldn’t get this kind of excitement from it, a little spark of thrill you’d managed to keep suppressed.

But that spark was growing dangerously hotter now that you knew he’d be coming here, so soon, nonetheless. You had to keep your composure. The excitement was enough that you’d almost forgotten the betrayal you witnessed this afternoon… almost.

Your heart pounded as you approached the booking office, the sound of shouts and cheering echoing through the halls. What was he going to be like? Would he be angry? Was he going to take an officer hostage like last time? What if it ended up being you? You tried to take a deep breath, fighting the shaking of your hand as you reached for the door handle before carefully opening it.

You froze just past the doorway, letting it shut behind you. He was so… tall. He stood behind the intake desk, at least several inches taller than the SWAT officer removing the cuffs from his wrists behind his back. His expression was blank, casually watching the officers try to do their job while looking like their nerves were about to snap, avoiding touching him as much as they could.

“One move and I won’t hesitate to shoot you,” one officer said, doing his best to keep his voice from cracking.

The Joker didn’t say a word. He just flicked his tongue over his lip and lazily rolled his eyes. Butterflies fluttered into your throat and you fought to swallow them down. You had to try to relax, you can’t let him get to you. Of course, that’s easier said than done, his presence alone was enough to ignite an oddly alluring anxiety within you.

The awkward silence was broken when the on duty detective voiced his intolerance for that kind of behavior before noticing your arrival.

“Nice of you to join us, officer.”

All eyes landed on you, including his. You couldn’t breathe for a moment. That feeling that you got when you saw his picture was nothing compared to the intense wave of adrenaline that struck you like lightning, leaving you in a cold sweat as his eyes connected with yours.

You tried to maintain a professional demeanor, but you couldn’t hide the way color drained from your face as you slowly approached him. Just breathing took an immense amount of concentration. So much that you didn’t hear the detective giving you the case number to record before beginning the booking process.

“Officer! I’m speaking to you!”

You jumped and broke your gaze away from Joker’s dark rimmed eyes to quickly grab the form as the detective mumbled under his breath. Your hand was shaking again as you tried to breathe normally and recorded the number then in the next line, “Name, Unknown. Alias, The Joker.”

A shiver trickled its way down your back as you could feel eyes on you again and you looked up from the form to see him carefully watching you. Your breath hitched and you quickly tore your eyes away to stare at the form as heat bloomed in your cheeks. This couldn’t be happening. You’d been avoiding talking with anyone about him for weeks and no matter how much you denied it, now you knew why.

The other officers took his long purple coat and suit jacket off of his shoulders, removing a variety of knives from his clothing before turning him around to face you. You kept your eyes down, taking the cuffs from your belt to hold them in your hands, ready to place them on his wrists. A knot has tied itself around your insides and grew tighter the longer you stood there and stared at his hands, stained with traces of white, black, and red paint. Your face burned hotter, and your heart pounded relentlessly in your throat, but you had to try to remain calm. If you kept showing them how nervous you were, you’d be booted off of the case and another officer would take your place. This was pure torture, but you still didn’t want that to happen.

You were surprised by a need for more. He already had you trapped in this confusing push and pull to give in to the unusual attraction you had to him even though you knew it was wrong. It had taken you this long to realize that was it. A deep seated attraction had been sitting in the back of your mind and now it was rapidly taking over your body.

Goosebumps prickled your skin when your fingertips grazed his bare wrists, clicking the latch on the cuffs in place. This was like nothing you’d ever felt before, the rush in your veins, the heat in your stomach. You managed to keep the exhilaration spreading through your body from boiling over as you lead him to the line up wall for his intake photo.

He stood in front of the digital camera, holding the placard displaying his alias with the date and case number, his green hair swept hastily out of his face and infamous greasepaint smeared wildly. When you looked at the screen to capture the image, the knot in your belly unraveled. His gaze focused directly up into the camera lens and straight at yours, the corner of his scarred mouth tugging into a smirk. Your heart pounded in your ears and you could feel yourself shudder as rational thought slipped away, drowned out by a pervasive impulse. You knew he was dangerous, of course, and you couldn’t explain it but, you didn’t care. The fire he’d ignited within you was in control now.

A nervous buzz spread from your hands and down your arms before you looked up from the screen to meet his gaze, returning a subtle smile. Joker lifted his eyebrow and his grin stretched across his face until the other officers approached and he let it fall with a swipe of his tongue across his lip. That was all it took. You let those tempestuous flames engulf you and now you weren’t going to do anything to stop them.

Everything felt slowed down, like you were dreaming, feverish with this sudden and powerful desire when you kicked the door to the private search room open, pulling him inside with you and locking the door. You had precious few minutes before they’d find you. You quickly unlocked his handcuffs and spun around to put your back against the door, gripping the lapels of his vest when you stopped and stared up at his face as your stomach dropped. Why did you just do that?

But the feeling of regret didn’t last long. A low chuckle rumbled in Joker’s chest before he leaned on his hands, placed against the door on either side of you and brought his face inches from yours. Your breath huffed over his lips and the familiar feeling of arousal swelled between your legs as you felt his heat wash over you.

“Needed somewhere, uh, private to perform your search, officer?”

His lips hovered over yours as you smiled and answered softly, “I figured we’d start with the oral cavity search.”

His giggles were muffled when you crashed your lips into his, surrendering to the spontaneous and intense lust you found yourself swimming in. Your heart soared when he kissed you back, raising the intensity and allowing your tongue into his mouth as his hands moved to grip the sides of your face and your eyes fluttered closed.

He hummed when you wrapped your hands around his neck to lace your fingers in his hair and pressed your body against his. You could feel his size beneath the fabric of his pants and your breath hitched. This was one of those moments that didn’t feel like it was really happening, but it was. His hands slid down your sides to grip your waist and your mouths separated to catch your breath.

His eyes traveled up and down your body before another devious smile sent a shiver down your back.

“You. How about you come with me, hm?” he said, his eyes flickering to the gun in your belt.

Your stomach fluttered and you stared back at him, flinching when fists started pounding on the other side of the door and voices shouted. You shouldn’t trust him, you knew you shouldn’t. But trust hasn’t gotten you much in the past, has it? Besides, you didn’t have to trust him. Whatever happens is going to happen at this point so you might as well enjoy the ride. You’d already let it go this far. You swallowed your nerves and nodded, holding on tight to his shoulders.

Another chuckle made you bite your lip before he leaned in and purred in your ear, “Follow my lead, doll.”

You straddled his lap in the back of an unmarked van speeding down the street only moments later, his tongue in your mouth as your hands slid down his torso to the button on his pants. Was he always this lucky? Or did he know this would happen all along? Of course, this was a crazy thought but nothing that had happened today was sane. He held your own gun to your head and made his escape like it was planned that way. Either way, you’d easily forgotten all about the betrayal that felt so insignificant now.

In fact, tomorrow you’d receive a text from the traitor herself bragging to you about hooking up with your now former crush and your response, short and sweet, was “who?”

Taglist! @youmaycallmebrian @heavymetalnarwhal @neverputsaltinyoureyes @jokersqueenofchaos @into-crazy @killingjokee @astheworlddturns @jslittlebirdie @drreidsconverse @vipervixxen

[psychologeek]

part 2 - masterpost:

@troiastar

#Jason: how did you know it was mine?#Bruce: why wouldn't I know#Bruce: I've read your fanfiction#Bruce: I'm your father

@guesst

#ok but also gothamite ao3 wroters would be so funny. 'hey guys sorry bout the late update got caught up in a hostage situation yk#how it is'#and non gothamites are all like NO???? R U OK and gothamites are all like haha nws thanks for updating anyway#sjdjs imagine if someone clocks the second robin is this ao3 writer just because of that a/n. djdh#dc

@oatmealcrisp-freak

#abruptly finding myself relating to jason from DC#when the reviews ask if i've died and every day is spent ill and in pain and in worry for what havoc the medications i take to function are#wreaking on my internal organs nevermind the state of my hair 'oh don't tempt the world dear the next person who tries to kidnap me might#be successful'#jason your luck will improve if you stop leaving your house i know thats gonna be hard for you but just commission a jason-bot or a clone#or something and superhero long distance i know your dad would approve. he's DC's tech guy after all#there'll still be an ass-outlet we have only fans now

@adjit

#he’s part of the JAFF community I believe it in my heart#dc

@willtheartist

#this week ive been dealing with a flood and i finally understood Those Ao3 Writers#smth smth about escapism and the more stressed and/or busy u are the more u wanna go write your silly lil words or draw your silly lil guys

@jasontoddswhitehairfluff

#he was so devoted as a kid that he unconsciously kept writing during his zombie days#I doubt that the league had internet#but that’s not important#he posts under a completely different account#cause if you can’t remember your password while alive you sure as hell can’t when you’re half dead#most of the works are bland with repetitive phrases from his previous ones#he gets a notification from the account after going to Gotham#has the same reaction as adults looking back at their teenage cringe works#he actually wrote those??#zombification is no excuse for misunderstanding character motivation!!#bruce still finds out from getting the notification from the other account#jason had to update something of substance to make up for that mess#crack#jason todd

@brandycranby

#jason todd#gets back to Gotham with three things in mind: destroy the underworld kill batman and finish his 30+ ch fic#batfam

And the he'd check out the account and see a brand new, shiny, Pride & Prejudice & Zombies self-insert crackfic 😂

@chilli-onmy-wieny

#he updates the 400k pride and prejudice zombie au that inspired the movie and is hailed as the bible of the jane austen fandom#you feel me ?#jason todd#jason todd headcanon

@littledead-ridinghood long post:

@stuffsforl8r

#jason is one of those writers who just churns fics out quickly and yet they’re always amazing polished masterpieces#jason is just the most productive person#jason todd

@liavidge

Stephanie quotes one of his fics on patrol and the world ends Superboy Beta style.

@mightyneteyam

#stephanie subscribes to jason's acc#at first she has no idea who's behind it she just likes the author's sense of humor#but the additional notes made her.. squint and connects#Two and Two so she has her suspicions#jason on the other hand has one fav reader who leaves long-ass comments#and absolutely has 0 idea that's steph's acc#this is how stephanie became jason's beta reader#jason todd#stephanie brown

@swugflower

“Hey guys! So sorry for the long pause, got murdered by the joker lmao. Anyway as a sorry have an extra long chapter!”

#I once read a fic written by two authors and one of them actually died#and the other one finished the story#and like that’s horrible but I was so shocked I just had to laugh#like it was in an authors note or Smth#yea she died in a car accident#BRUH

@stvlti

#not sure about Bruce hanging out on ao3 *cringe*#that would be the worst nightmare for everyone involved#but Jason totally writes historical aus#dc txt

@the-lunar-warrior

#jdbsodhdjs JDHSODB#first thing he does after climbing out of the lazarus pit is not go into murderous rage its go update his sonic fanfic

@idek-dood

#help im obsessed with this idea#a/n: sorry guys i had to foght some dinosaurs this weekend so the update is two days late#a/n: my idiot brother was almost killed last night but i was determined to get this chapter out on time! hope theres not too many errors <3#funny#batfam#jason todd#red hood#queued up

@child-of-the-sea-and-sky

#djskalfhlsdkjfh#Now I need a Red Hood short film where it shows someone reading his A/N's and then cutting to the eventsReblogView post

@interplanetary-redacted

#prev youre so right he DID stalk jason's internet use as a kid and got updated via ao3 update emails to discover he's alive#alrernatively he's currently in the LoA updating like ''so i like. died. got adopted by my adopted dad's ex and live w her now in#not-america and my toddler brother helped me write this via babbling and crawling over me and also listening to me read it out loud as#a bedtime story (mom-approved dw) [it has an E rating for the gore] and in general just being cute i suppose :/#here's what he has to say about it: *incomprehensible keysmash* Anyway thanks for still reading if youre here#i appreciate it a lot and im sure i'll have more updates soon between my training and babysitting''#and bruce meanwhile is reading this like EXCUSE ME WTF! TALIA?!#he works on his own arabic translation as homework for talia as well#jason todd#dc

@redrobin-detective

#lmao jason would be the one to be a FF author#him and Tim maybe but Tim is the one posting detailed complex meta thats like a vague story#Jason meanwhile is writing novel length and deeply detailed stories

[i'm up to Aug 29, 2022. It's 5 AM. i'mma go to sleep. good luck and thanks everyone!]

Jason as those AO3 authors who have the worst tragedies happening to them and yet still continues to pump out his new chapter every week

Some poor, unbeknownst Gothamite: “My favorite fanfic writer hasn’t posted or updated any of their fanfic in like four years. I don’t want to bug them but I’m always hoping for them to come back. I hope their okay :( ”

Jason, in between cutting off right hand mens heads and antagonize black mask, like Really Living It Up: “hey, sorry, guys! I know it’s been forever! I literally died and clawed my way back from zombiehood, but I’m back now! Hope you enjoy this new chapter!”

[internalsealpanic]

Ghostwriting

Summary: After successfully completing a novel for the Penguin and a scathing article for Two-face, the Joker enlists your ghostwriting skills for his debut in the romance novel writing business. You accept, reluctantly. A/n: This, as most of my fics tend to, started as a joke. But thanks to @restwellsoon​ and @pricetagofficial​, it developed into something that had me by the throat. Warnings: proof of my actual insanity and quasi-romantic Dick Grayson x Reader in the bonus section because my hand slipped

Ghostwriting: The process of writing an article, a book, an essay, a song, or any other written piece under the name of the person who commissions you.

 Step 1: Interview the client.

 The whole situation is deeply ridiculous.

 You are, on a very rare sunny day in Gotham, dangling over a tank of jokerized piranhas in a rickety wooden chair and a very ugly Christmas sweater with Hyenas snapping at your socked feet while the maniac holding you by the collar continues to monologue.

 This is not how you want to end up on front-page news. So help you god, it's not.

 In the interest of not dying in your aunt Rowena's worst present, you speak up. "You... what, you want me to write a romance novel about you and Batman?"

 "Yes, yes, what about my explanation wasn't clear to you," Joker snaps. The part about the electrified fish, you think and keep to yourself because that hand around your shirt collar is looking incredibly loose. He sighs dramatically and points to the messy collage of pictures on the far wall. "I clearly explained it on the diagram."

"Right..." You squint. Ah, you see it now. Gotham must have supplanted the idea of drawing hearts on your crush's pictures with green, twirly mustaches and googly eyes. Makes sense. If any shit hole was going to do it, it's Gotham. "How long are you thinking exactly?"

Joker's forehead wrinkled for a moment then the moment extended until you began to suspect that he was just trying to see if he wrinkled his forehead just right to form the numbers. "Oh, how long is that one with three whosie whatsits?" It's your turn to look confused. He flaps his hand to make a swinging motion that nearly drops you into the tank. You suddenly know all the words to the Lord's Prayer. "The one with the mouse, the duck, and the dog." You're starting to suspect he's hallucinating this book. "There was a french turtle narrating it."

 Oh.

 "The Three Musketeers?"

 "That one!"

 "That's…” You search your memory. “...1.5 million words."

 "And?"

 "700 pages."

 "And?"

Step 2: Make sure you understand the voice of the person you're writing for.

 The process of turning a 200-page manuscript into confetti is a very messy one which the Joker enjoys doing in front of you immensely.

 "Garbage."

 You gape, watching him throw it all into the air while turning his nose up at you. "You barely read it!"

 "Garbage," he repeats then crosses his arms and with a distinctly Pepe le Pew accent he says, "Gar-baaaage."

 "But—"

 "Gar-baaaaage."

 You settle back into your chair. Baffled, you stare at him and he sniffs like you're the one acting rude. You get a little misty-eyed thinking about the amount of paper that was just wasted. "What about it was... garbage?"

"Well first off all," he says straightening up, "Where is the spice? Where is the drama? This is about as bland as my Nana's oatmeal." There is a brief flickering urge to ask him whether he means cyanide when he says spice but you don't only because he speaks up again. "And see here," he says pointing to the newly pieced together page, "does that sound like old Batsy to you?"

 "I guess not?"

 "And what about this," he jabs at a passage like it just insulted his mother, "This sounds nothing like me."

 "Right... My apologies. Do you..."know what you actually sound like? "... have any writing samples."

 "If I had any, I wouldn't need you."

 Fair point.

 "Oh, don't look so glum, chum. If you really want to get to know my work, you have to go back to the classics."

 Oh, joy, you think. "I guess I could, uh, look up early news reports..." He gives you a look. "... or I could, uh," find a better source of money, "I could get it from the source (?)."

 He huffs a little less irritated. "My earliest stand-up, of course."

 You blink. "You want me to time travel?"

 "Don't be ridiculous. All of my routines are on VHS."

 Time travel then.

  ()

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no," you hiss frantically as Bub, one of Two-face's terror twins, shuts the door in your face with a definitive thud. "Hey, hey, Bub. C'mon! Your boss at least owes me a coin toss before you say no."

 There's a moment. A lot of noises and a lot of racket then the door opens again.

 A man split down the middle slams the door open, glowering down at you. You smile and proffer a coin. He squints at it and bats it away, smoothly transitioning into flicking his own.

Step 3: Find the themes.

 Dick Grayson is a man who, normally, prides himself on having seen it all— giant robots, shapeshifting aliens, space cops, a man in black kevlar fighting crime so he can miss Thursday's therapy appointment.  He's pretty confident that nothing would surprise him.

 Wouldn't it be funny if he was wrong?

 Dick Grayson, for once in his life, literally stands corrected.

 Crouched in front of a wall plastered with scraps of paper and pictures of Batman and a various assortment of kinks all connected with bright marigold orange, you look up, pen tapping on your chin. "I think," you say with all the seriousness this does not deserve, "I figured out Batman's kinks."

 "I will pay you not to tell me," comes Dick's impossibly quick response.

 You ignore him and the wallet seemingly levitating out of his pocket. It seems to fly over your head that the offer to pay you was not, in any sense, a joke. It is closer to a threat.  But you press on anyway with feverish enthusiasm. "This," you point to a sticky note with omegaverse in the biggest, boldest print where all the messily scrawled arrows are pointed to, "This is the key to the kingdom."

 Dick, in spite of all the little voices in his head whispering better ideas, decides to humor you.  "Ok, how is batman," he squints, "'a furry?"

 You wave your arms frantically at the mess of pictures then tap vigorously on one of the grainy CCTV photos. Dick tilts his head, narrows his eyes at it, then figures this is why he hates playing charades. "You think he's a furry because he's... not photogenic?"

 "No. No, he— Dick, Dickerson, Dick Tracy, can't you see? It all makes sense! Think about it!"

 "I really don't want to." 

 "He dresses like a bat, dates a woman who dresses like a cat, and all his stuff is animal themed. I've connected the dots."

 Dick wonders how much sleep you've gotten and Dick wonders how much sleep he's getting if this is all starting to make sense to him.  "Uhuh," he says unwillingly taking the information in, "Is this your blackmail-batman-get-rich-quick scheme cus I gotta say this is a lot and I mean a lot of work." Dick thinks, even the GCPD hasn't put this much effort into finding out who Batman is, as he walks over. His brows wrinkle as he takes in the full breadth of your research. "Are those ... police reports?"

  Shit.

 "Naw," you wave your hand, "I wish. But these are old articles, these are testimonials from people who've interacted with him, these are psych profiles from experts..."

 Dick's mouth goes a little dry. "I'm guessing you're getting a pretty good picture of what kind of guy Batman is, huh."

 "Just about."

 He swallows dry and the possibility goes down like a large pill. "So... any guesses?" 

 "Sort of."

 Dick's lips flatten as he tries to work through the scenarios and how he can divert your investigation. He tilts his head in a way that reminds most people of a curious puppy. "Who's top of the list?" He asks innocently.

 You hum, pinning another picture onto the wall. "I don't really know. Haven't had time since the Joker's getting pissy about me not showing him a new manuscript."

 Those words make sense individually but not in that order.

 Dick blinks. "I'm sorry?"

 "Oh, I'm working for the Joker."

 "I'm sorry?" Dick repeats a little higher and louder.

 You seem to reconsider your phrasing because Dick looks genuinely concerned and possibly a little pale. "I'm ghostwriting a Romance Novel for him," you clarify, "Speaking of which, you're pretty good with tech, yeah?"

 Dick is still stuck on: "working for the joker" and "romance novel", so he just nods. You clap your hands together excitedly. "Great! Two-face isn't going to kill me!"

 "I'm sorry?”

Step 4: Be flexible

 You are an absolute goon.

 You are an absolute, categorical goon.

 Dick's laughing hysterically in your ear as you print off the last few pages of the manuscript. You, too, are laughing like a maniac. 6 months. Six-fucking-months, seven hundred and five pages, and more the 1.5 million pages later you have a finished manuscript called 50 Shades of Green (working title).  You've got tears in your eyes and you swear you're gonna quit writing the second this shit is released into the world. You might even change your name as a precaution because this thing probably violates several human rights you don't even know about.

 Who cares though?

 It's done.

 You cackle madly as you shut the door, ready to run to amusement mile to submit your final draft and run to Arkham to have yourself committed. If you're lucky and Two-face isn't hogging their time, you could get Dr. Hodgins and talk to them about Chewy and their other succulents.

 Everything stops. Breathing, thoughts, pulse— all stop when your eyes land on the large shadow looming in your living room.

 Shit, you think, taking a step back, body hitting the breakfast nook. You knew this whole thing was some sort of crime. You knew it. Your mouth goes dry and the color drains from your skin. Batman's going to kill you.

 He shifts, stepping closer. You have a thought. A small despairing thought that you might die crying and get tears all over the transcript. That's so much paper wasted. 

 The Batman stops and looks between you and the bundle of papers in your arms.

 "We need to talk."

 You flick your eyes to your phone reflexively.

 "Alone."

 Dick makes a protesting noise but the glare from Batman overrules any of Dick's protests.

 Batman nods, satisfied. He says something. Your brain fizzes out and the words become jumbled.

 You clutch the papers protectively to your chest. "You... what, want to buy the rights to the book?"

 "Yes."

 You blink. It's very strange to feel protective over a project you could not wait to get rid of just two minutes ago. Your brows wrinkle. Even if you did want to sell it, you don't technically have the rights. Well, you do. Sort of. But you like being alive and not on the Joker's shit list and you tell Batman as much.

 Batman nods. It's a surreal moment when Batman sits on your couch. Even more surreal when he takes a pen and a check book out.

 "How much?"

 "The Joker..."

 "I can take care of that."

 You pause. It's Batman. The man has a pretty good track record so far. You flick your eyes to the floor. Could you live with yourself if you charged Batman full price? It was one thing to scam the Joker, another whole entire world away kind of thing to scam Batman. You sigh. "I charged Joker $1 per word but I usually charge a flat fee of between $100,000 to $250,000 depending on how long the book is," you answer honestly. Looking at the book you have in your hands and the messy conspiracy theory wall, you might wanna charge at least $300k. You sigh again.

 "I can pay you the original amount owed," he says as if it's nothing, "it might take some time to go through though. All I need is all the files and research you've collected."

 You nod. Dumbstruck. You're not exactly sure about the legalities of this but you ask him to make a written promissory note to leave you along with the check he gave.

 The legality of this whole horror show is questionable but one thing you've learned about ghostwriting is that you have to be flexible.

   [Bonus section]

Step 5: Cover your tracks.

 Step 5.1: Get rid of the evidence.

 Jason's blustering. "That's gotta be the stupidest reason to drop out of college."

 Dick's brow ticks. He's not in the mood to deal with Jason's snark, not because his darling little brother just drained his pot of coffee, not because the little shit decided to track Gotham gunk all over his perfectly nice hardwood floors, and certainly not because said shit-head is sitting high and mighty on his kitchen counter being snarky about his life decisions. It's because, once again, Bruce is being petty. And Dick would rather spend his energy on being petty back rather than deal with Jason's snark.

 "You did not have to read an erotica about the Joker and B while panicking whether your project partner has accidentally figured out your secret identity. How would you like it if I described vividly how the Joker used electric fish to give B a hard on?" Dick snaps in one quick barrage of syllables.

 Jason looks and feels like Dick just threw bricks in his face. After a beat, he says, "You have a copy, right?"

 "Duh." Dick looks over his shoulder. "You sure you wanna read it?"

  A mean grin spreads over Jason's features. "Yanno, I gotta fucked up sense of humor."

 Dick knows cause he's got one too. "Fine."

 "Fine?" Jason's teeth flash and his features look more mischievous than threatening.

 "On one condition."

 ()

 Dick hadn't meant for this to get so out of hand.

 "Hi, I'm Vicky Vale, and tonight we'll be having the first meeting of Vicky's Viral Book Club. Naturally, we're gonna start with Gotham's very own hit- The Clown that Wanked Me (Batman)! Now many Gothamites know Batman, but they don't know Batman, and some speculate that he might even be Bruce Wayne. Stay tuned for more after the break!"

 It's not like Dick knew Jason was going to release the audiobook publicly or that Jason was going to do it at all. He may have underestimated Jason. He could not be more proud.

 "Jason... son... Jaylad... I'll increase your allowance by 10K if you do this one lil favor for your old man," Bruce begs. Poor guy doesn't know he's on speaker phone. Dick tries his best to choke on his Thai food in silence.

 "C'mon old man, I got principles. You can't just buy me out," Jason insists, sounding a little wounded, but he looks pleased as punch from Dick's perspective.

 "Jason, this is not how Gotham finds out who Batman is." Bruce sounds furious. Hal or Ollie must have heard about this whole thing already. "How did you even get a copy?"

 At that, Dick can't suffer in silence anymore and ends up laughing hysterically while choking. It's some kind of psychic ability at this point to sense Bruce's glare without visuals. Bruce has no tangible proof he is actually involved though. Dick made sure to be thorough about that.

 "Sucks to suck, old man," Jason cuts in. Absolutely delighted. "Besides, abso-fucking-lutely no one believes it's you." Jason, with a shit-eating grin, sends a rather scathing article denying that Batman could ever be Bruce Wayne.

 There's a shuffle and a soft thud that indicates that Bruce has set the phone down. When Bruce speaks again, his voice is slightly muffled like he's a bit of a distance away.

 Distraught, he asks, "Alfred, do you think I’m a big dumb idiot who's only use is his good looks, money, and being an excellent father?"

 Alfred with all the prim composure he's known for replies, " yes master Bruce, you are as the kids say, 'an absolute dumbass'."

 Step 5.2: The witnesses.

 "You got a call." Mai's got your phone pinched between her fingers, dangling precariously at an angle. You frown. You... don't get calls. She does. That's the point of an agent, isn't it?

 She shakes the phone at you and you take it because you feel like she's going to drip it. You don't recognize the number but answer it anyway.

 A voice you hadn't heard from since your first semester of college rings in your ear. "Hey," Dick says with a laugh like no time has passed, "look on Gotham Gazette's page."

 You do.

 You regret it almost immediately but you did it.

 "Gotham's hottest new book: The Clown that Wanked Me (Batman)! read by a mysterious voice."

 You skim over the article and there's a link. A link to the audiobook and on the page for the audiobook, there's a link to the PDF, a description,  and a whole slew of reviews. "Description: I decided to make an audiobook version of Joker's self insert fanfiction with Batman. Enjoy ;]." Huh. That is definitely your manuscript. Those are definitely positive reviews.

  "the most reluctant wank i've ever had"

 "content is shit but the narrator's voice is sexy"

 "it's written pretty well but I gotta ask if both the narrator and the writer are well"

 "when's the sequel gonna come out"

 You're floored. "What the fuck," you murmur.

 There's a snort then a chuckle. "Relax," he says, opening a soda can, "no one knows it's you. They all think it's the Joker."

 Fuck, you hope so. You keep scrolling, building up mixed feelings over the whole thing when a thought occurs to you. "... Are— Is this you blackmailing me?"

"Nope," he says. He's buzzing a little then adds, "maybe."

 What the fuck. "Nice to hear from you too then."

 Dick snorts. You snort too. You glance at the script you were working on and well, since he's already on the line, you might as well shoot your shot. "Any chance you're interested in being a one-off detective in a copaganda show?" You vaguely remember Dick complaining that Bruce said he couldn't hack it as a cop. Next best thing, right?

 "In exchange for my silence?"

 "Yeah. That and if anyone can sweet talk the producer into not firing me if I get named for that whole Gotham debacle, it's you."

 "It's a date then."