#jesus the serial killer

[jessicalprice]

the adventures of kid jesus, holy terror

(reposted from Twitter)

So I tend to think that the reason the four gospels that made it into the Christian Bible did so was because they were the ones that conflicted least with most of the major schools of early Christianity. Like, they don't preclude gnosticism, they don't really put Jesus in a particular political movement, etc. They're open to mystical interpretation, but they're among the least mystical of the candidates, etc.

They also involve relatively little Asshole Jesus.

But allow me to introduce you to the Infancy Gospel of Thomas.

No, not the Gospel of Thomas, the most famous of the noncanonical gospels.

The Infancy Gospel of Thomas.

The Infancy Gospel of Thomas was written before 185 CE, when Irenaeus was ranting about it, and after 80 CE, since it borrows from Luke and that's probably when Luke was written point being: as these things go, it's pretty old--this isn't medieval fanfic or whatevs. It was also very, very popular.

So.

The first thing baby Jesus does is make some clay sparrows on Shabbat which freaks everyone out in the way that only Jews written by Christians freak out, because he's 5 years old and 5-year-olds playing with mud on Shabbat is not, like, a big deal.

So anyway, Kid Jesus is there with another kid, who takes a stick and stirs a mud pool Kid Jesus made.

so Kid Jesus turns him into a mummy

The now-mummy kid's parents are understandably upset that their toddler got mummified for stirring some water with a stick and they go to complain to Joseph that his little holy terror of a son is desiccating people.

meanwhile, Kid Jesus is running around town

Another kid is running around town and bumps Kid Jesus's shoulder.

so Kid Jesus kills him

Joseph now has TWO sets of angry parents being like "my dude, your son is killing little kids which is profoundly Not Cool" so he goes to have a talk with Kid Jesus about how we don't just straight-up murder toddlers who bump into us.

Joseph sits Kid Jesus down and is like "look, son, we're being persecuted (translation: asked to stop) now because you're murdering children so maybe stop it?" and Kid Jesus says "aw, Dad, I know you don't mean it" and...

...Kid Jesus strikes the parents complaining that he's murdered their kids blind

Joseph twists his ear and Kid Jesus tells him to quit it and leave him alone to do his murdering in peace.

There's this teacher named Zacchaeus who for some reason is IMPRESSED by all this and is like, "your kid is so wise, my dude, let me teach him" and apparently he was okay at teaching the alphabet:

And he told him all the letters from Alpha even to Omega clearly.

Kid Jesus, on the other hand, is the worst student ever and is all:

thou hypocrite, first, if thou knowest it, teach the Alpha, and then will we believe thee concerning the Beta.

It's unclear whether he actually understands the definition of the term "hypocrite."

Zacchaeus, who's clearly a hardcore masochist, is all like:

Woe is me, wretch that I am, I am confounded: I have brought shame to myself by drawing to me this young child

And he's like "this 5-year-old who yelled at me about the order of the letters is CLEARLY an angel or a god."

No, I mean literally:

he is somewhat great, whether god or angel or what I should call him, I know not.

And Kid Jesus is like yup, I'm here to make you all miserable.

No, I mean literally:

I am come from above that I may curse them, and call them to the things that are above, even as he commanded which hath sent me for your sakes.

But Kid Jesus goes ahead and heals everyone he cursed, and after that, everyone's afraid to contradict him, because they are *literally terrified he will maim them.*

No, I mean literally:

And no man after that durst provoke him, lest he should curse him, and he should be maimed.

Then Kid Jesus and some other kids (I'm hesitant to characterize them as his friends) are playing in the upper story of a house and a kid falls out a window and dies so the dead kid's parents are like, "clearly this kid that's already straight-up murdered 2 other kids did it."

So Kid Jesus raises the other kid from the dead not because, you know, he's a little kid who fell out a window and died and that's tragic, or because his parents are grieving or whatever.

no, he raises him from the dead so the dead kid can back him up that he didn't murder him

Then Kid Jesus turns six and for a little while it seems like he's going to be less of a serial killer. He carries some water to his mom after the pitcher breaks, and uses his superpowers to help his dad with carpentry.

But then his dad decides that he's six so it's really time he learned his ABCs and now that he's a little older maybe he won't be so much of an asshole to his teachers so he gets a new teacher, and this one isn't as submissive as the last one.

Kid Jesus is an asshole to this teacher too, but this one smacks him upside the head for mouthing off.

so Kid Jesus kills him (or maybe just puts him in a coma)

Joseph is like maybe we just homeschool him.

But there's a teacher who's like PUT ME IN, COACH. And Joseph is like look my dude my murder-child has a 100% teacher-killing rate, are you sure? And the teacher's like I CAN DO IT.

Oh wait, Teacher #1 lived because he groveled, I forgot. Anyway, Teacher #3 also grovels, which pleases Kid Jesus so much that he heals/resurrects Teacher #2.

So then Kid Jesus's brother James gets bitten by a snake and Jesus heals him which is nice I guess but James best thank him thoroughly or he might get murdered like every other kid in the village.

And then a baby gets sick and dies and Kid Jesus resurrects him and the villagers are like: "Of a truth this young child is either a god or an angel of God; for every word of his is a perfect work."

because they have the world's shortest memories

So a guy dies and Kid Jesus resurrects him and they're all:

This young child is from heaven: for he hath saved many souls from death, and hath power to save them all his life long.

which IGNORES THAT MOST OF THE PEOPLE HE RESURRECTED WERE DEAD IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE HE KILLED THEM

And then there's a paragraph about him teaching in the Temple when he was 12 that's very similar to the one in Luke and that's a wrap.

Behold: the Infancy Gospel of Thomas

and this shit was apparently VERY POPULAR

So yeah, one of the more popular early Christian bestsellers was, just to sum up: Jesus murders a bunch of people, maims anyone who objects, brings them back to life, and everyone who witnesses it thinks that everything he does is perfect after he terrifies them into submission.

[infinityinakiss]

watching venom 2 as someone who does not know the comics is so funny because at first you're like, oh venom is trying to get eddie and anne back together, they're gonna push the typical heterosexual relationship and probably make them get back together.

but then you realize that venom's only pushing it because he has an insane amount of care for eddie, not because he wants them together. in fact, it's the very opposite. this clown is hopelessly in love with his sweaty loser host boyfriend and i am an idiot for ever thinking otherwise.

[miss-katsune]

the eeper

kinda selfship art bc I used my kinsona but also kinda just regular nuzi art cuz my sona is not that much different to canon uzi idk man whatever I hope this turned out good sdfsfgndkjhg

[imnotstayinghereforthatlongblog]

Spoilers based on the hazbin hotel leaks

So let me get this straight Baxter original backstory gets changed because it mentions the sinking of the titanic and Vivzepop didn’t want to mention real life tragedies in hazbin hotel

Then she doesn’t want god show up in the show you know the man who is the reason why heaven exists and is really important to the bible

Yet Jack the fucking reaper gets mentions in season two…

This is a load of bullshitttt

[vamprisms]

cazador sure sounds relaxed for someone whose torture victim just walked into his man cave with three of the hardest cunts in faerûn

[blackoutbruh]

OMG this is the best morning (its 3pm) ive ever had oh my god thank you

im literally that girl lol

im really weird i laugh at messages like this oh my god i need to go to a mental hospital😬😬

ok i have no idea how people can label a person based on just one a post where there isnt even a word about racism transphobia etc lol?? just letting you know that i have a trans friend and two friends who are not exactly skinny so i dont think i can be called a transphobe or fatphobe?? although who knows??

and by the way yes i dont see gay people and black people on the street because i live in a russian village and it would be strange if i saw this every day (although i saw several black people once upon a time and even talked to one and i didnt seem to hate them🤔🤔🤔)

in any case ill just say that you have the right to represent characters the way you want and i have this right too surprise

in my case i imagine roxy exactly like this because well i liked her duh and thats why i draw her the way i like her and at the same time i dont hate other races and other people in general :D

FINALLY PEOPLE LIKE THIS NOTICED ME MY LIFE GOAL IS FULFILLED

[friendrat]

The problem with the church today is that so many "Christians" do not actually believe in redemption.

[glimeres]

Next To Normal (2009, Broadway) - Digital Booklet Pics

[zaacataac]

hyperfixating on Hello from the Hallowoods has been great for me actually because no matter how bad I’m doing I can always be sure that Percy’s doing worse

[a-star-that-burns-brightly]

Okay so after reading a bunch of theories on Deep Cover and rewatching the MV about 30 times, my only coherrant thought is that I want Kotoko Yuzuriha to be fucking okay

[luckydicekirby]

devil's minion is so great bc like. it really is so romantic over all the horror and then it ends on newly vampired daniel saying wait, fuck, don't let me kill this girl, get her away from me! and armand makes him do it. and that's the end of the chapter. and it's so. daniel, what did you think was going to happen? you literally asked for this--but also, maybe you can't ever really prepare yourself for becoming a murderer!

and then daniel later is like this is great actually. i've always been the huntsman etc etc. but he still has trouble dealing with the bodies. ah buddy.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

[lostvoidling]

chews on hands in tired of every female character being made into "no you cant be evil" territory only to be immediately turned into a mother figure or thrown under the bus for some other character

[flutteringfable]

ive been playing with a rewrite of syo because kodaka cannot write a non-abelist non-sanist depiction of did to save his life. here's what i've got so far, after some research into how systems and alters actually work. because again. kodaka cannot be normal about neurodivergence and ESPECIALLY not about did.

syo is a protector alter, formed from toko's emotional abuse from her childhood. whenever toko feels strong social pressure or fear in social situations, syo tends to front. she's a lot more forward than toko, for better or for worse depending on the person causing the stress. she gets more aggressive if the person doesn't let up on whatever it is that's bothering toko.

she doesn't actually like byakuya all that much, especially after putting the pieces together and realizing he ruined their reputation by exposing syo. though, to avoid the weird serial killer alter angle kodaka went with, i think syo would only claim to be the killer, in order to intimidate others and keep them from trying to get close and mistreat toko again. she's a lot more toned down than the original canon, but will put on the sort of unhinged act if it means others will stay away.

she is still a lot more blunt than toko, and speaks more clearly. toko is cautious about others, but syo is even more so, and is immediately suspicious of anyone who attempts to make friends with them. it takes quite some time to gain her full trust.

[probablygayattorneys]

[After PLvsPW came out]

Capcom: Hey! You turned Phoenix into some bumbling idiot while Professor Layton always solves the puzzle, like some genius!

LEVEL-5: yea

Capcom: That's not fair! We're - we're not going to stand for it!

LEVEL-5: what exactly do you think you can do about it?

Capcom: We're... We're going to name our big bad serial killer in our next game "The Professor"! That's what we're going to do!

LEVEL-5: k

Capcom: And... and we're going to take the designs! Yeah! We're going to reuse Espella's design! You can't stop us!

LEVEL-5: wasn't trying to.

Capcom: You really aren't bothered by any of this?!

LEVEL-5: we're kind of busy with something else right now

Capcom: What could possibly be more important that this conversation!?

LEVEL-5: actually maybe you can help us with it! we're trying to come up with a name for our seventh professor layton g- oh, wait. you wouldn't know anything about that, now would you?

Capcom: ...

LEVEL-5: .............

Capcom: Okay, fuck you for that one-

[ziracona]

Thinkin abt The Long Halloween film, (& spoilers for it), and remembered someone once complaining they made Gilda’s character bad in the film adaptation of The Long Halloween and a whole ‘she’s just evil because she can’t have kids anymore’ trope and like??? I have to kick in a door and say HUH??? What movie did you see?? Like the character is hella different from the comic yes, but 1, not necessarily in a bad way, a 2, that’s not her motive??? At all?? Like she’s not happy about that, but she’s not ever a ‘im inhuman now I can’t bear kids…’ The woman wants revenge because she experienced an insane trauma, and a betrayal, and the justice system is so broken that even as a lawyer herself, doing everything right, it left her empty and broken and abandoned too.

If anything, she’s just a strong foil for Harvey. She is never like ‘I can’t bear kids so now I must kill’— she’s like ‘I was in love and engaged to the man of my dreams and pregnant with our child, starting my career and family and unbelievably happy, and then his mafia father said ‘no’ to the union and child, and he just…abandoned me. For the family. I fought it, and he didn’t. He didn’t stay, he didn’t protect me, he didn’t love me. He didn’t even try. He let them cut my child out and kill it in front of me while I went kicking and screaming and fighting under the blade 8 months pregnant in a gang nonconsensual abortion, and left me literally hollowed out and alone to ‘recover’ from that, and nothing changed for anyone but me. I died that day, and no one faced ANY consequence. Not even guilt. I lost my ability to do my job, I lost my future, my hope, my ambition, my kid, my plans, my personality, my desire, my emotions, my being. I walked around as a shell. And when the justice system failed me, I found a lawyer who cared and was gunning for that mafia family, and married him, gave him more reason, but even he and Batman and the whole police force weren’t enough to stop them, so I decided to do it myself. I killed them, one holiday at a time, until everyone I wanted dead was fucking dead, and I got my justice.”

That’s an incredibly understandable, well done motive. What she did to Harvey specifically is fucked as hell, but she’s not a badly written lady. I love her comment about Harvey at the end that “We were so similar. Just. What was inside him hadn’t been ripped out yet.” Because she knows (and literally says) how broken and hollow what happened to her made her, and she can tell that what’s happened to him by the end of the story has done the same thing. She’s an incredibly cold and brutal character, but the bitch is well written.

​Like, she’s an excellent tragic film noir parallel for Harvey in the film. They go through almost the same trajectory. She is a hopeful young lawyer who believes in Justice who is betrayed and broken by the Roman’s people, and turns to extreme violence outside the system to get her justice when the ‘right way’ fails her. Harvey is literally the exact same thing, and scarred the exact same way, and changes to violence because of it. They both even say the very iconic ‘It had to be done’ close to the end of the film, in their last major scenes. Not echoing each other—neither hears the other. They just felt the same. The deep tragedy of the narrative is that in her search for justice, Gilda did to Harvey what was done to her—an utter betrayal and abandonment by beloved spouse. And he does not do to her what Alberto did. He takes the fall for her, even after the things she’s done, to him, because he loves her. The narrative repeats, the cycle of pain repeats, with the Roman at the heart of it, but with slight aberration because of the people involved this time. And if that ain’t film noir.