#jerry cantrell angst

[aishnico]

#𝙅𝙀𝙍𝙍𝙔 𝘾𝘼𝙉𝙏𝙍𝙀𝙇𝙇: 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯

» summary: you promised to be by your boyfriend’s side, even though you weren’t together anymore (?)

» word count: 3k

» warnings: fluff, major angst towards the end (w/a happy ending, i guess?), alcohol & drugs, grammar issues

— 1988

"come onnn, you should definitely go with me. they are all amazing, i'm not saying these because my brother is in there." your friend, melinda, was trying to convince you to go to show of her bassist brother mike's and her drummer boyfriend, sean's new band.

"i don't know, mel, tomorrow evening i will be hella exhausted from work and i don't think i will have enough energy to go see them."

"i can take you there with cab after work!" she suggested. you shrugged. "then, maybe..." she didn't even let you finish and hugged you. "you won't regret it! you know how good my brother is at bass, and this guy, layne, oh my god... you would be fascinated by him i swear. and the guitarist, jerry, he's—"

"okay, okay. let it be a surprise to me."

like you told yourself, you were exhausted as hell. gladly you saw melinda inside a cab and she was waving at you. you smiled and entered the cap, sat next to her.

after about 40 minutes you arrived at the place. you grabbed drinks for you two and stood close to the stage. you really wanted to go and rest, or sitting somewhere here, at least

a couple of minutes later, the show started. melinda was right, you were fascinated by their frontman's voice. he was a brunette man with big, blue eyes. his voice was just, so unique and powerful you couldn't even describe it.

then you laid your eyes on the blond guitarist with blue eyes. he was wearing a white vest and revealing his torso. you first watched how his fingers were moving on the neck of his guitar. he was absolutely talented. you then looked at his face. damn, you thought. his platinum yellow hair was looking majestic while he was headbanging. your cheeks flushed and you felt melinda's smirk on you. you shake your head and start to pay attention to the rest of the band.

after about 30 minutes, the show ended. you clapped at them loudly like everyone else. they really were something else. you felt like they were going to be an impactful band in the future.

"come on, you already know mike and sean. let me meet you with layne and jerry." you wanted to protest at first but she was already dragging you backstage. when you two approached the guys, melinda hugged everyone except her boyfriend, sean. she kissed him and you saw mike's gaze at them. you then hugged mike and sean. melinda then coughed. "jerry, layne, this is [name]. a good friend of mine and mike's."

"hi, nice to meet you!" layne smiled at you. you returned the smile at him. "nice to meet you too. i, i don't know how to say but i've never heard a voice like yours, you're very talented." you saw his cheeks get slightly pinkish and responded with a cheerful thanks.

"let's get some drinks!" you heard sean's voice and started to follow him. jerry was walking beside you. "hi," you muttered to him. "what's up?" he responded. "nothing much, i should ask you this. how do you feel after your first show?" he yawned. "it wasn't my first show but today was great." you pressed your lips together. "okay," you simply answered and found nothing to talk about.

you never talked again, or let's say when you would encounter, you would talk 2 sentences. you thought he didn't like you, or you were just boring to him.

it was until one day, you were at a vinyl shop, the owner of the shop let you put rumours by fleetwood mac on the phonograph. you were dancing and care less about the people who were watching you. you then met with jerry's crystal blue eyes and his smile.

"you like fleetwood mac?" he asked.

"i love fleetwood mac." you answered while smiling at him.

that's how you become close. you talked about your favorite bands, and you learnt that you and him were listening to the same bands mostly. when he asked you what other music genres you're listening to, you told him that you like country music. and he immediately knew he wanted to know and meet you more.

the guys were shocked. because they thought you two didn't like each other. and look at you two now, you were sitting next to each other. you were playing an old, country song on an acoustic guitar while he was singing the lyrics with his angelic voice. layne sure had a powerful voice, but he couldn't sing peacefully like jerry right now, you thought.

sometimes, you would invite him over to listen to your favourite bands, he then either would sing, or play the song you wanted on acoustic guitar. music was the most important thing to connect you two.

you later discovered that he was great at arcade games you were great at too. so you would challenge him often. and the person who lost had to either buy a drink or food.

it came to the point where you would just invite him over and cook for him, or he would take you out to a good place (one day, he invited you over to their apartment and tried to cook for you, but it didn't result good. so when he would come over to you, you would teach him how to cook properly.)

after a while, you decided that you had mixed feelings about him. he was silly, talented, creative, and a good person. you loved his presence. and you loved him. but did you love him as a friend, or as a lover?

eventually, you decided you loved him as a lover.

two years later, they released their first album, facelift. it had a huge impact on the grunge scene for sure. you knew it from the beginning. you all met at your usual bar, celebrating their success. you then realized jerry was quieter than usual. you wanted to talk with him after.

everyone was either asleep or drunk. you were the only sober person there. when you looked at jerry, he was tipsy. "jer, is everything alright?" you asked him worried. he gulped and then looked at you.

"i, i don't know where to start." he mumbled softly. you then caressed his hands. "it's okay, take your time. you know i won't judge you." he nodded.

"i believe we did something really explosive. and i don't know what our way is going to be after this. i always wanted to be a rockstar. but this rockstar life makes me wonder about our future. what if some of us die because of alcohol or drugs? i don't want that, i want all of us to be together in the future." he then stopped and caressed your hand. this action made your cheeks flush.

"and i want you by my side too, now and ever. i love you, [name]" he said looking deeply into your eyes. you couldn't help but smile to yourself. "i've loved you first." he leaned close to your face. "but i'm pretty sure i've fallen in love with you harder." he smiled at you, your foreheads then touching.

"i promise to always be by your side, even if we break up in the future."

he grunted. "and i promise, i won't let it happen."

and before he could, you connected your lips slowly. he wasn't surprised so he kissed you back. after a couple of seconds, you heard someone's whistle. it was layne, he was smirking at you two. you didn't pull still, you didn't want to.

— 1996

promises were made to be broken, you thought. both of you couldn't keep your promises.

after releasing their first album, they got hella popular. they've attended various shows and tours, made friends from the music world. and besides their drinking habit, they've added drugs into their habits. these wouldn't reflect their career at that time, though.

but things got serious then. mike already had his drug habit before the release of facelift. and it got worse. in the beginning of 1993, he left. (or should you say 'fired'?) their new bassist's name was also mike. you liked him, he was talented and a humble guy. but the thing is, he kinda looked like old mike and it made seem pretty weird to you, at least.

you didn't even realize how your relationship with jerry got into after the release of jar of flies. he would come back to your arms again after an exhausting day, but he started to barely talk to you. you thought maybe he was just exhausted. but no,

not only that, when you two would go on dates, he would look soulless, or bored. you knew he was having a busy and hard time and you were trying to make him happy in the simplest ways. but you felt like it was going to nowhere. you were tired of picking up him from bars, being his trip sitter, and begging him to stop all of this. you were having a hard time in your work too. eventually, you got fired.

words could not express how furious you were. you were furious at your life, job, boss, and even your boyfriend. and seeing him after a rough day with a blonde girl, lying on his chest in your shared house, absolutely didn't help your problems.

"[name], please listen to me." he was trying to talk to you with a pleading and tired voice. but you just kept ignoring him. you were trying to find an empty cap on the busy roads of seattle.

"she's my cousin, god damn it!"

"cousin, my ass! why you didn't ever tell me about her then?! are you keeping things hidden from me, is this what we became now?!"

"i haven't seen her for almost 20 years! i only have her picture from our childhood, and i'm pretty sure i showed her before. i swear!"

you just rolled your eyes, not even looking at him. to your luck, an empty cab approached you. he grabbed your wrist and made you look at him. his eyes were bloodshot now. you didn't know if it was from cocaine or something else.

"i'm sorry, jeremy. i promised to be always by your side, but i don't think i could keep this promise anymore. i'm sorry, i'm sure that you'll find your true one." you said before entering the cab.

you came to pack your things from your house the next morning when you broke up with jerry. you found him wasted on floors. when he woke up, he held your leg, refusing you to leave and begging you to stay with him. you felt sorry for him, but you were tired of all of this. you had to leave even if he was right. and you hated yourself.

you then moved and found a new job in new york. you felt so lucky and you worked your ass hard not to lose your job again. in summer, you saw alice in chains on mtv unplugged. when you looked at their faces, you thought they were so done, so done with all of this. they weren't looking full of enthusiasm like in the old days.

and layne's girlfriend, demri's death absolutely didn't help to this situation. she also was your friend so you wanted to attend her funeral. but guess what? you were already on a business trip so you couldn't go. you could manage to go there after a couple of days. and when you went to see layne, well, you actually couldn't recognize him first. he was screaming and crying. his eyes got bloodshot. you felt so bad for him.

you then went to see the rest of the band. they were looking helpless. you hugged sean and mike but hesitated to hug jerry. you stayed with them for a while. you tried to support them as emotionally as possible you could. layne was yelling at all of you. he was yelling at guys that they didn't care about him, they cared about their frontman. and he was yelling at you for leaving them years ago and not attending her funeral.

it wasn't true, you thought. they all loved layne. especially jerry, he was his best friend after all. you knew it was making his heart broken when he saw him like this. you felt like you needed him to talk personally. you saw him at balcoon all alone, so you made tea for both of you. and went next to him.

"i hope this eases you even for a little." you said looking outside. "nothing can ease me right now." he responded. his voice sounded raspy. from cigarettes and some other shit, you thought.

"you just need to be by his side, he eventually will understand the truth."

he didn't say anything for a while. "then why did you leave me at that time, i really needed you."

"you know why i left, jeremy. i can't keep up with your shitty habits. not only is it killing you, it also kills me." he again didn't say anything. "are you happy there?" you shaked your head. "not even a little. two years have passed and i still feel like i don't belong there."

"then move here again, i don't ask you to be with me again. i just need to be around you again. didn't you say you would be by my side even if we broke up in the future, keep it again.”

you chuckled and turned your head at him. "i already broke it, i'm a shitty girlfriend, i guess." he chuckled too. "if you think that you're a shitty girlfriend, i don't imagine myself how a boyfriend i am." you two laughed. he then gently caressed your hand. "please, i need you." you thought about it. your new company's branch office was here too. maybe you could talk with your boss about it. "i'll think about it." you said while smiling at him.

your boss was kind enough to assign you in seattle. you started to set things to right again. guys helped you too. and you started to hang out with them like usual. but you started to see layne less and less.

you saw him again when jerry released his debut album. he looked more unrecognisable to you. even though he continued to live, he couldn't move on from demri's death.

— 2002

they had been on hiatus for the last 6 years now, everyone was at different projects, except layne. you didn't know what was he doing right now. you would check on him yourself or with jerry often, but he would always not have the energy to talk with you. he was like a walking dead.

in 19th of april, it just became dead. he actually died two weeks ago. you couldn't describe how you and others felt.

it broke all of you. you lost your best friend now and ever. you wish you could force him to go to rehab. you would try to convince him but he was just not listening to you. it felt like you were stabbed from your heart. nothing would make him come back.

the guys were more broken than you. they were closer to him than you were to him, after all. they lost their layne, their star, their soul... even though you were broken such as them, you still needed to be by their side.

you went to the funeral. the other thing that broke you was layne and demri were actually supposed to marry here. his family, his bandmates, and other friends from the music world were there. you hugged his mother, nancy, and the guys too. you couldn't find jerry.

you sat with them for a while. trying to support them with your words. then, you saw jerry outside. he came here from his tour.

"hey..." you approached him and touched his arm. he didn't look at you. he didn't say anything. but you knew, you knew he wanted to cry however much he wanted.

"i know you two were best friends. you were everything to him, so he was to you. so it's okay to let your emotions out. nobody would judge you, jer." you then opened your arms at him. he looked at you slowly and you tried to put a smile on your face. but you felt like your eyes got filled. his eyes too,

he then quickly hugged you. he was sobbing and mumbling this like "i've loved him so much, i wish he listened to us when we offered him to go to rehab. why do i have to lose the people i love the most? my grandmother, mother, layne..." he then continued to cry.

you caressed his back gently. after a couple of minutes, he calmed down for a bit. you held his hands.

"you won't lose anyone, you won't lose sean, the mikes, and your other friends. well, i can't promise it. but i can promise you one thing, you won't lose me. and i want you to promise me too, promise me i won't lose you. get clean, i beg you. my heart can't take it anymore." you didn't realize but you were crying too. he hugged you tightly.

"i will, i promise." he then kissed your cheek and then connected your foreheads.

"thank you, [name], for being by my side" you smiled at him. "always," you responded. "i know it's not a good time to ask but, do you think we can try again?" he asked.

you just smiled at him and took his hand to yours. "we will talk about when you'll come back after your tour." you leaded together to the stage where nancy and chris from soundgarden were singing ring them bells and wild horses together. it was a great tribute.

and you couldn't wait for his return, to talk with him about getting together again.

[davemustystain]

𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐘 𝐁𝐋𝐎𝐆 !!!

𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐌𝐄

Hey i’m maia, i’m very new to tumblr but i’m here to make new friends and make fanfics ! I’ve been a fan of metal for about 2 years now and i’ve been a pop fan since i was like a baby ! I love anything to do with music, i listen to everything from pop,country,metal you name it ! I also play guitar because i’m just cool like that 😋 !

𝐖𝐇𝐎 𝐈 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐑

ALICE IN CHAINS-

Layne Staley

Jerry Cantrell

Sean Kinney

Mike Starr

THE LOST BOYS-

David

Dwayne

Paul

Michael

METALLICA-

Cliff burton

James Hetfield

Kirk Hammett

Lars Ulrich

Jason Newsted

Robert Trujillo

MEGADETH-

Dave Mustaine

Marty Friedman

David Ellefson

TYPE O NEGATIVE-

Peter Steele

Kenny Hickey

LED ZEPPELIN

Robert Plant

Jimmy Page

John Paul Jones

GUNS N’ ROSES-

Axl Rose

Slash

Duff McKagan

Izzy stradlin

Steven Adler

LYNYRD SKYNYRD-

Allen Collins

Ronnie Van Zant

Gary Rossington

WWE-

Edge

Jeff Hardy

Lita

The Undertaker

UNCATEGORISED-

Ozzy Osbourne

Taylor Swift

Lana del rey

Chappell Roan

Billie Eilish

Eddie Munson

(basically anyone you guys send in !)

𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐈 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄

watersports,scat,whips,50 shades of grey type shit (too corny to write sorry), male reader (i’m afab and i just don’t think i would be able to write it good enough !), blood,noncon.

𝐒𝐎𝐂𝐈𝐀𝐋𝐒

tiktok

insta

twitter

𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐑

If you are requesting please specify whether it’s smut/fluff/angst or whatever you want me to include ! <3

[callme2heaven]

callme2heaven masterlist

I will write for:

Pearl Jam - Stone Gossard, Jeff Ament and Eddie Vedder (possibly more in the future)

Alice In Chains - Jerry Cantrell and Layne Staley (possibly more in the future)

Nirvana - Dave Grohl and Kurt Cobain (possibly Krist in the future)

Soundgarden - Chris Cornell (possibly more in the future)

I will only write angst or fluff for Kurt, Layne and Chris

✨ = fluff

🌹= smut

😿 = sad/angst

PEARL JAM

Stone Gossard

Unannounced 😿/✨

Eddie Vedder

nothing yet

Jeff Ament

nothing yet

ALICE IN CHAINS

Jerry Cantrell

nothing yet

Layne Staley

nothing yet

NIRVANA

Dave Grohl

nothing yet

Kurt Cobain

nothing yet

SOUNDGARDEN

Chris Cornell

nothing yet

[dis0rderly-cl0wn-nerd]

Some J Headcanons 💜

I felt like ranting about him in my notes today ☺️

J loooves to draw or make any kind of art really. Painting, photography, sketching, etc. It’s therapeutic and it helps him sort out his chaotic brain. He considers himself to be an artist since he sees his “work” as art. 

He is super intelligent and creative. He can fix things and explain how they work. He’s even made his own explosives before.

I hc that he has ASPD, PTSD, and insomnia or other sleep problems, I’m not really sure. 

Many people think J hears voices in his head but I don’t think he does. The voices he hears are his own thoughts. He has a racing mind and too many things come at him at one time. He has impulsive thoughts  frequently but he doesn’t act on them much unless there aren’t any major consequences. This is a factor in his ASPD. He also gets bored easily (which is another symptom).

He has scars all over his body. Some are battle scars from the military and some are from his work.

Songs I think fit him really well - Anger Rising by Jerry Cantrell, Jeremy by Pearl Jam, Lithium by Nirvana, One by Metallica and Rooster by Alice In Chains (these reflect his military background), Once by Pearl Jam, Angry Chair by Alice In Chains, Where is My Mind? by the Pixies, People Are Strange by the Doors, Coming Undone by Korn and Play with Fire by Sam Tinnesz

J’s music taste is very similar to mine, if not the exact same. He’s definitely a metal head, he likes 60s and 70s classic rock, and grunge resonates with him the most cause the angst 😭 His favorite bands are Metallica, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, Alice In Chains, and Pearl Jam. I hc he skateboarded in his younger years and PJ has the perfect music for skating. He likes Led Zeppelin because his mom liked them and he grew up with their music.

Speaking of his mother, he had a very close relationship with her. He takes after in looks except she has blonde hair and hazel eyes. He gets his curly hair from her. When he got big enough he would protect her from his abusive father even if it meant he got his ass kicked. Losing his mom was part of what pushed him over the edge.

He doesn’t drink or take any substances. I used to hc that he drank but now that I think about it, that doesn’t make sense for a number of reasons. He does smoke sometimes. Idk it just fits for some reason. He tries to avoid it when he can though because he knows it’s bad for him.

J is a cat person. He loves both cats and dogs but he loves cats the most. He likes their spunky personalities and he thinks they’re funny. There were a lot of stray cats in the neighborhood he grew up in. 

[tenderyellowbluefics]

I haven’t written on here in a LOOOONGG time but I wanna come back!! So give me some requests!!! My Eddie Munson phase has long since died so I don’t write for him anymore, but I have some other metalheads I'd love to write about!

I'm mainly interested in writing about James Hetfield and/or Jerry Cantrell right now but I will also accept requests for the following!

Kirk Hammett

Jason Newstead

Sean Kinney

Layne Staley

(Non metal/rock)

Keanu Reeves

Halsey

Rhea Ripley.

If there is someone you reallyyyy want me to write about who isn't on this list, feel free to ask me anyways!! There's a good chance I'll at least give it a shot haha!

What I’ll write?

I’m cool writing fluff, angst, smut all that!

I will NOT write about anything to do with pedophilia, abuse, or incest!

I've been thirsting real hard over James lately so smutty requests for him are encouraged💀

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

IN THIS MOMENT Announces 'Godmode' Album, Shares 'The Purge' Single

Grammy Award-nominated act IN THIS MOMENT has released a new single, "The Purge", from its upcoming studio album "Godmode", due out October 27 via BMG. The song is accompanied by the official music video directed by Jensen Noen (ICE NINE KILLS, FALLING IN REVERSE, HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD).

"We are thrilled to unveil 'The Purge' to everyone," says IN THIS MOMENT vocalist Maria Brink. "I am so grateful for how everything flowed to bring this song to life, both sonically and visually. Kane Churko and Jensen Noen helped to create this musical and cinematic experience with us and we could not have done it without them. The underlying message of the song is to not fall too deeply into the rabbit hole, everything is about finding balance. I had a lot of emotions building within me when I approached the song for the first time and after years of holding it all in I finally got to let it out! Enjoy."

"This song came from our time in lockdown. We all had our own personal experiences during the pandemic, and we all saw the social unrest unfolding daily tearing us apart. It was such a crazy time," says IN THIS MOMENT guitarist Chris Howorth. "Our band, like everything else, was stopped in its tracks. During the lockdown I was sending Maria musical ideas I was working on, and this one really resonated with her. She even said, 'This is gonna be our first single.' Fast forward a couple years and all the pent-up frustration and angst came pouring out in Maria's lyrics and performance, creating this crazy visceral song."

IN THIS MOMENT has also shared details for "Godmode", marking the band's eighth studio album to date. Recorded at Hideout Recording Studio in Las Vegas, Nevada, the 10-track opus was produced by Kane Churko (OZZY OSBOURNE, PAPA ROACH, FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH) and Tyler Bates ("John Wick" movies, Jerry Cantrell, BUSH).

"We absolutely cannot wait for everyone to hear what we've created," adds Howorth.

"Godmode" track listing:

01. Godmode 02. The Purge 03. Army Of Me 04. Sacrifice 05. Skyburner 06. Sanctify Me 07. Everything Starts And Ends With You 08. Damaged (feat. Spencer Charnas) 09. Fate Bringer 10. I Would Die For You

IN THIS MOMENT debuted "Sacrifice" and "The Purge" at the opening concert of "The Dark Horizon Tour" on July 8 at Mohegan Sun Arena in Uncasville, Connecticut.

"I Would Die For You" previously appeared on the soundtrack for "John Wick: Chapter 4".

[kingjain]

Alice In Chains Dirt Hawaiian Shirt

More Than Just a Shirt: Wear Your Grunge Heart on Your Sleeve Let's face it: you're not just a casual fan. You've lived and breathed Alice In Chains, their raw emotion resonating deep within your soul.The grunge era wasn't just a fad; it was a movement, a reflection of a generation's angst and rebellion. The Dirt album, with its iconic riffs and darkly poetic lyrics, became an anthem for the disillusioned, the misunderstood. Now, you can wear that anthem.The Alice In Chains Dirt Hawaiian Shirt is more than just a piece of clothing; it's a statement. It's a way to proudly declare your allegiance to a band that dared to be different, a sound that shook the world. Think about it:  Conversation Starter:This isn't your average Hawaiian shirt. It's a conversation starter, a way to instantly connect with fellow fans. Picture the nods of recognition, the shared memories, the sudden camaraderie sparked by this unique piece of apparel.  Embrace Your Inner Rebel: Grunge wasn't about fitting in; it was about standing out. This shirt lets you express your individuality, your appreciation for a genre that challenged the status quo.Wear it with confidence, wear it with pride.  More Than Just Fashion: It's a way to pay homage to a musical legacy. It's a way to remember the raw power of Layne Staley's voice, the crushing heaviness of Jerry Cantrell's riffs, the emotions that resonated through Dirt and continue to resonate today. This isn't just a shirt. It's a reminder of a time when music mattered, when emotions were raw, and when being different was a badge of honor.It's a way to connect with a community, to celebrate a musical era that continues to inspire. Wear your grunge heart on your sleeve.Wear the Alice In Chains Dirt Hawaiian Shirt.

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Related : https://kingjain.tumblr.com/post/720648380906356736/united-states-army-engineer-school-hawaiian-shirt

[cannibaldatingsite]

7, 10, 20, 25, 30 for the ask game!

7. Bloodfreak, Closest Thing We Have to a Witch, or Lawboy Sammy? ok so i love lawboy sammy but he also seems miserable to me SO closest thing we have to a witch sam hehe 10. Baby!Jack or canon!Jack? i havent actually gotten to jack in the show yet but id prefer for him to be like 5 i think thats a fun age to torment them  20. What is THE destiel song see the thing is i just listen to sad dean songs so this is like angst dean POV destiel but breaks my back by jerry cantrell it makes me BONKERS 25. Endgame human!Cas or angel!Cas? human!cas 100000000% angel!cas makes me sad  30. What destiel fic are you currently reading/wanting to read? i started down to agincourt and its pretty good im just stalling rn cus endverse fics arent really my thing 😐 send me a destiel ask >:)

[aishnico]

#𝙇𝘼𝙔𝙉𝙀 𝙎𝙏𝘼𝙇𝙀𝙔: 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦, 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦

» summary: you heard that your ex-boyfriend got out of rehab

»word count: 2.9k

»warnings: angst with a happy end 🤗, NO DISRESPECTS towards demri or anyone else <3, grammar issues

»a/n: i'm officially declaring that from now on, i’m also writing for my favourite 🐐 <33

april, 2002

"layne is coming out of the hospital."

that was what jerry told you before you dropped the handset from your hands. your breath hitched sharply.

"hello, [name]? are you there?"

you didn't pay attention to him at the moment. you fell on your knees, put your hand on your heart. a wrenching pain and a sweet sensation of relief are wrapping around your heart. he was clean now, but could get on drugs again, you hoped he wouldn't. he could continue on his music career with joy and passion. can be happy with his beloved ones, enjoying life again... but without you. he didn't need you in his life. not anymore.

it was painful. witnessing the changes in his behaviors and his physical features. how hard you tried to send him to rehab. how many times have you tried? you don't remember. but you remember how finally you managed to send him.

it was before christmas. the first and probably the last one you spent with him. you were arguing again because of his addiction. the shameful thing was that the guys were there too. listening to you two without saying anything.

not only he was in pain, so were you. but he wasn't understanding how he affected you too. he finally snapped at you before leaving your shared apartment.

"if demri was still here, we would smoke on the couch continuously, cuddle, and make love to each other! she wouldn't instead cry and beg me like a little bitch..."

oh demri, sweet little demri... you were a fool honestly, for thinking he could love someone again after her. clearly, his heart died with her. and you couldn't revive it no matter how many times you tried.

"i wanted to ask you if you would like to see him. we plan to make a surprise to him at your old shared house."

you wanted to punch jerry in the face for asking you this. how could he ask you this? didn't he know how was your relationship with layne? was he trying to make you sad for nothing? or was he hoping you would make up with layne again?

after a couple of seconds, he apologized to you for disturbing you and hung up the phone. you got up from the floor and poured yourself a glass of water. you told yourself not to cry, that he meant nothing to you anymore like you didn't to him. but you couldn't stop your eyes from filling up.

work was waiting for you, so you grabbed your bag and left the house before petting your cat and calling her sadie. sadie... of course you felt bad for calling her by that name. if jerry wouldn't call me i wouldn't call her by his cat's name, you thought to yourself.

it was almost 5.30 PM. you were going home longer than usual. perhaps your mind was still lost, or just because you were tired.

usually, you wouldn't feel bad or tired after work. because your gloomy but lovely boyfriend would wait for you and thinking about him at and after work would delete all your negative feelings. you don't remember when was the last time you were coming home happily. it was sure before christmas, before you two split.

fuck you, jerry... you murmured to yourself. now i keep thinking about him even though i don't want to...

while you were talking inside your head, you bumped into someone tall unexpectedly. life is sure to have surprises. it was no one else but your mutual tall, drummer friend, sean.

"[name], glad to see you again! how have you been?" he asked with a cheerful tone.

you sighed and lifted your face to look up to him. "same, sean. i was fine until today, honestly."

"why? did something bad happen?!" he asked worriedly. you shook your head. you knew you had to face the guys one day, eventually that day has come. "wanna chat?" he asked you while showing an empty bench. you bit your lip then nodded.

you two remained silent for a couple of minutes. he eventually broke it. "it was a long time since i've seen you last time." he stated.

"like five months ago."

"isn't it long for you?" he asked.

"well, i have a steady and tiresome job so i don't have time to think about it all." you kinda lied and he knew it.

"the guys, jerry and mike, are missing you too. you're avoiding their calls too, don't you?"

you didn't answer. god... how you wished you pretended like you were busy while walking on the road (it's not like he can't recognize you because of your height anyway). however, as you told yourself, you had to confront.

"i... want to take everything out of my life that reminds me of him. i managed for these past months. but jerry called me this morning, and gave me the news that were enough to shake me all. i'm happy for him, i really am. there's nothing better than regaining your health back. also in the morning, i called my cat sadie on accident. sadie, his cat's name..."

this time, he didn't answer. you sat there in silence for minutes.

"[name], you have to face him."

"... why? to upset and make me cry again? like a little bitch i am?!" you buried your face between your hands. fuck, you were whimpering. although you were good friends with sean, you didn't want him to see you like this.

did you have just painful memories with him? of course not. you two weren't the most lovey-dovey couple full of physical touch, etc. but it was okay. starting a new love after his long-term girlfriend died was not easy for him, but trying his best for you was already enough for you.

you met for the first time when you were on a record shop and he was just sitting there. you couldn't recognize him at first, you thought he was the owner of the shop. so you asked him to play the lioness vinyl by songs: ohia. you were slow dancing to yourself and he was just watching you, amazed. you noticed his gaze on you and reached your hand to him to dance with you. he hesitated, but gave it a shot when you sincerely smiled at him.

"don't you care what people will think about you?” his voice was raspy. like either he couldn't wake up still or either he was on edge of death.

"no, why? i don't know them, they don't know me. i don't see an issue."

after your little dance, you asked him to play some classic rock records to check its conditions. when you had to leave, you somehow gained confidence to ask him out. he was stunned, but after thinking about a couple of seconds, he muttered an 'okay'.

it was unusual to him. going out to concerts, parks, record shops, and bars again with a new person. sometimes you two would just stay in the house, baking cookies before lying on the couch watching some film from the early 90's and watching the stars before sleeping.

he felt lucky, a new person was trying to drag him out of his miserable life. his friends and his mother, nancy, were happy and grateful to you. you made him happier and even a little bit healthier for a short time. you tried to send him to rehab countless times, he would be there for a few days or weeks. sometimes you considered yourself lucky when he managed to stay there an over a month.

your relationship with him, was a fairy tale. unless he would do drugs when you weren't around. he would become an aggressive, cold bitch who thought he was still around '95. it would turn from a fairy tale, to a psychological novel with an awful ending.

but even after your split, it didn't stop you from loving him. i really have no self-respect... you thought.

"that's not true. believe me or not, when guys and i would visit him he would always ask about you. about your well-being, about your work, about your life... he would worry about you, he regrets everything bad he has done to you."

you couldn't hold yourself and let a hysterical laugh. people who were passing by were looking at you strangely. you calmed yourself and looked at him.

"do you know, how many times i tried to send him there? how i was imagining a nice life with him but couldn't make it real unless he got treated? he wasn't listening to me except a couple of times. did this really have to happen for him go to there? did i deserve this, hm, sean?"

he let out a sigh. "of course not, [name]. but i highly believe his feelings changed. i highly believe he's a better person now. you don't have to forgive him, but it would be great if you listen to what he wants to say." he grabbed your small hand compared to his and gently caressed it. "trust me, that's what is fair."

you didn't say anything in return, just laid your head against his chest. you would be lying if you said you didn't miss sean's presence. not only his, but also jerry's, also mike's... also layne's...

"you're right. the time has come for us." you smiled and got up from the bench. "are you guys gathering at jerry's?"

he shook his head. "no, we thought it would be at layne's. so, your old place." he pressed his lips. "that sounds great, i bet he would be shocked seeing a surprise at his house."

he stood next to you. "yeah, i was just heading there. the guys are already there. we decorated a few things and nancy said she's gonna bake a few things. you can join her, you know?" he smiled.

"i was just gonna say that! i can't imagine seeing her reaction when she sees me." you laughed.

"you know what she calls you still?"

"hm? what is it?"

he lowered his head at the level of your ears. "my daughter-in-law-" he then chuckled because your ears got red.

"mike tells her not to call you like that but she just doesn't listen. she highly believes you'll be together again."

you slightly jumped and bumped his shoulder playfully. "i don't know what are you talking about.”

“i also can't imagine your reaction when you see mike." he smirked.

you stopped walking. "what happened to him? don't tell me he cut his gorgeous long, curly hair!"

"i actually meant starr."

"... wait what?! oh my god he's coming too?! that's amazing! can't wait to meet him for the first time. hey, you walk too fast, wait for me!" you then started running towards him.

"well, we're all like brothers, you know. even after all these things, they kept their special bond. it would be unfair not to tell him the news."

"yeah, glad jerry told me too."

the day has come. jerry knew you were still nervous. instead of telling you assuring things, he said he was going there only with you. minutes passed, you gave up on yourself and got in the car with him. jerry opened a cassette of one of bob dylan's albums to make you relax. it did help eventually.

after about twenty minutes later, he stopped at the parking place. he unbelted his belt then looked at you. "aren't you coming?"

"i'll come after you. now go." you smiled and he then got out of the car and started to walk in front of the hospital.

you saw a tall, blonde, gorgeous man with big blue eyes standing before the building. he seemed lost in his thoughts, swaying forward and back in his place. he was looking healthy and joyful compared to a few months ago. the warm wind was kinda messing with his short, wavy hair. he closed his eyes and opened wide again when another blonde man hugged him tightly like he never wanted to let him go again. your heart melted at the sight. best friends reunited again...

after couple of minutes later, jerry turned his back and looked at you. he gave you a smile as a sign. you took a deep breath and got out of the car, walking with steady steps towards them. layne's expression changed from cheerful to stunned. jerry coughed and started to walk to his car. "i'm waiting for you in the car, guys. don't stand too long, though. there are people who are still waiting for us."

you two stood there without saying anything. you looked at his healthy eyes, and face. oh how much they were shining more now... oh how was his smile making your heart melt more...

"[name], i..."

"it's been a long time. isn't it, layne?" your voice was weak, but at the same time joyful.

his eyes got filled. "yeah, yeah it's been a really long time. it's been a long time without you."

you gave him a broken smile. "layne, you look so happy right now. you look so lively. i'm- i'm glad to see you like this again." your eyes got filled too.

"everything thanks to you. i would never think i would retrieve these days again. i would never think i would see jer, see you. i also was sure you wouldn't want to see me again."

you sniffed. "yeah, that was what i've been telling myself since that day. but i guess i was just convincing myself like that."

"you hate me, don't you?" his voice was like a whisper.

"i hate you, layne," you started, "i hate you for making wonderful memories with me then throwing all of these to nowhere, i hate you for not keeping your endless promises, i hate you for telling me hurtful things, i hate you for comparing demri to me. i hate you for being with me even though you still think about her." your voice sounded harsher and harsher.

"that's not true," his voice now was broken. "not anymore. i don't want to live continuing thinking about her. i don't want to be stuck at memories with her instead cherishing what i have. i didn't understand this at first, never thought about it. i understood it when i lost you. i understood when i hadn't seen your face since then. you're too good and precious to me, [name]. i don't deserve you. but still, i love you."

sean was right. his thoughts indeed have changed. you wanted to open your mouth but he continued on his words.

"i'm sorry for hurting you in any way. i'm sorry for making you drown in my hole with me. you clearly didn't deserve all of this. it was so hard, so damn hard to quit... even making the decision was hard for me. i threw all of your help and lost to my demons. i'm so damn sorry for making you cry after me. i don't deserve your single teardrop." he couldn't hold himself longer and started to cry. his cry made you also cry. you opened your mouth but he didn't let you again.

"at first, i went to this rehab without any expectations but thank god something clicked inside me. i've realized everything i've done to you. my thoughts about life, about drugs, about demri changed but my love for you didn't. i've finally found a reason to stay alive, it has always been you. i... i love you so much, [name]. i'm not waiting for any acceptance but please believe my words."

before he could say anything more, you grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him close to you. you wrapped your arms around his neck and his head fell on your shoulder. breathing in your essence again.

"i missed you. i missed your presence, your smell, your soft touches..." you two stayed there for a couple of seconds and then he pulled off from you.

before he opened his mouth, you pressed your lips against his, putting your hands on his cheeks. he wasn't expecting this but then immediately welcomed the warmth of your mouth, kissing and sucking on your upper lip. his salty tears were dropping down to your lips but you didn't care. his lips got soft compared to a few months ago and him kissing you like this made you tingle more than ever.

you got interrupted when you two heard the loud sound of a horn twice. you pulled off and looked at who it was. of course it was jerry looking at you with a dull face.

"you two have enough time to make out from now on but we have to go now!" he shouted to you with a half-angry voice and you just smirked. he reached for your hand hesitantly. you gave him a gentle smile then intertwined your hands.

"i love you too, layne. i've never stopped from inside. but we're gonna talk about this later, okay?"

he kissed your forehead in response and you two sat next to each other in the car. returning your shared house, only to make wonderful and longing memories to remember in the remote future.

[daydream-nation]

Rules: put your entire library on shuffle and name the first 5 songs and your favorite lyrics in those songs (if it doesn’t have lyrics, shuffle again!)

Thank you @satan-is-sad for tagging me! I find this stuff super fun :D ❤

Mother's Spinning in Her Grave by Jerry Cantrell

This guy will never ever get old

"Glass cuts up your hide

Black mark on your soul

Burning up your life"

Mal Gusto by Los Diabólicos

De Hermosillo, Sonora!

"Te he escuchado decir 

Que no quieres cambiar"

Serve the Servants by Nirvana

I love all bits of this song but my favorite phrases are:

"Teenage angst has paid off well

Now I'm bored and old"

"If she floats then she is not

A witch like we had thought"

"I tried hard to have a father

But instead I had a dad

I just want you to know that I

Don't hate you anymore

There is nothing I could say

That I haven't thought before"

I Love You by Black Flag

Ok now that I actually read the lyrics this is quite a hardcore song, is about a guy who "loves" so much his girlfriend that he kills her when she cheats on him. Honestly I'm like a little puppy when it comes to violence so I don't really like the lyrics, but my favorite part is

"My feelings burn inside of me"

I really felt that but in another context lol

Bluebell by Babes in Toyland

I absolutely love this song to pieces but again my favorite parts are the chorus and the bridge:

"Bluebell to... To hell, to hell"

"I, i live in the densest corner

Of the deepest mind

Of the fuck-most room

And sing "the stars they swing from their chandelier strings"

(i know real love)

You know who you are

You're dead meat, motherfucker

You don't try to rape a goddess"

The way she screams and murmurs it's just so heavenly uuugggghhh I LOVE it. Best freaking song ever!!

I tag: @old90soul @pierrotquinn @aliveoutshined @miserychain @carocomelibros do it if you want to :) love to you all ♡

[ao3feed-jonrya]

by SoHereWeAre

Arya Stark returns to Winterfell on a mission, more personal than professional, but a mission all the same. She has trained herself not to feel, not to care, but her determination to not let this kill slip away at all costs is compromised by her feelings for the only ones left in the world she loves: her cousin Jon and brother Robb.

Title take from the song " A Job To Do" by Jerry Cantrell from John Wick 2.

Previously deleted but bringing back by requests.

Words: 666, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Game of Thrones (TV), A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/M, Multi

Characters: Arya Stark, Jon Snow, Robb Stark, Jaqen H'ghar, Other Character Tags to Be Added

Relationships: Jon Snow/Arya Stark, Arya Stark/Robb Stark, Jon Snow/Arya Stark/Robb Stark

Additional Tags: Sibling Incest, Cousin Incest, Family Drama, Dysfunctional Family, Trauma, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Revenge, vengeance, Explicit Sexual Content, Explicit Language, Sexual Tension, Secret Identity, Assassins & Hitmen, Threesome - F/M/M, Oral Sex, Cunnilingus, Dom/sub Undertones, Anal Sex, anger issues, Resentment, Brother/Sister Incest, Strong Female Characters, Robb is a mess, Dark Past, Healing, Multiple Orgasms, Public Sex, Bars and Pubs, Drinking, Trust Issues

[mordopolus]

Liste: Die 25 besten Songs 2021

Im vergangenen Jahr hat mich ein sehr guter Freund darauf hingewiesen, mehr Pop als 2020 habe es nie in einer Liste mit den besten Songs des Jahres gegeben. Selbiges gilt wohl für 2021, und vermutlich liegt das vor allem an mir und gar nicht so sehr an der Musiklandschaft. Andererseits gab es ja zuletzt durchaus Soundverschiebungen im Mainstream, Blogs positionieren sich anders zu großen Künstler*innen, Hyperpop hat eh alles nochmal von unten durcheinander gewirbelt - womöglich ist die große Zahl an konsensfähigen Songs im Folgenden also doch irgendwie zu größeren Aussagen befähigt. Vor allem reiht sich da unten aber, mal ganz idiosynkratisch gesprochen, konsensfähig Hit an Hit an Hit - gespickt mit ein, zwei Idiosynkrasien sicher auch. Aber entscheidet ihr!

25. Donovan feat. David Lynch/Gimme Some A That

Herrliche Balance zwischen sonnigem Donovan-Gefolke und wirren Lynchismen, oder anders: ein gülden kostendes Stück Psych-Folk-Jangly-Pop, gezwirbelt in eine knisternde Hülle, die dem Ganzen erst den rechten Glanz verleiht.

24. Jerry Cantrell/Black Hearts & Evil Done

Ich bin kein ausgewiesener Grunge-Nostalgiker, umso kälter haben mich die warmen Sonnenstunden auf Jerry Cantrells Veranda erwischt. Dort lag ich zu Füßen des Alice-In-Chains-Gitarristen, während er schaukelnd von früher erzählt hat und dabei herrlich zufrieden-sehnender Rockkitsch wie "Black Hearts & Evil Done" rauskam.

23. Layla/Dichter

Laylas gegenwärtiger Status ist irgendwie unklar, "Dichter" auf dem Rücken von Missy Elliot dennoch eine gezielte Trademark-Schelle. Das Gelsenkirchen-Barock-Rasur-Video mit OG Keemo war da nur das Uff-Adlib hinter der treffenden Line (bildlich gesprochen).

22. Tommy Genesis/a woman is a god

Der Minimalismus fiept, die Hook leiert den Kopf kaputt.

21. Caroline Polacheck/Bunny Is A Rider

Außen locker gepfiffen, innendrin lockend verrätselt.

20. Willow/Naive

Leute, die es nervt, wie sehr es im Pop um Personen geht, haben oft besonders große Probleme mit bestimmten Personen im Pop; z.B. der Tochter von Will Smith. Und wenn die dann auch noch Rock macht, und sei es auch nur Pop-Punk mit Travis Barker im Jahr 2021, wo man ja schon recht intensiv nach Leuten suchen muss, die Pop-Punk ohne Travis Barker machen! Auch ich musste meine zahllosen Zeilen wider die Authentizität et al nochmal überdenken, als ich das Album mit dem großartigen Titel "lately i feel everything" anklickte, doch verdammt - wer "Naive" nicht fühlt, hat Teenage Angst nie gelebt.

19. Peggy Gou/I Go

Lockeres Tackern, treibend, mit leicht weggetretenem Blick genau richtig platziert zwischen 80s Pop und Club.

18. Wolfgang Tillmanns/Late For The Webinar

Klar, das ist hier ist schon alles etwas viel 2021, andererseits: Kann man dieses titelgebende Gefühl besser treffen als mittels Tillmanns großäugigem Blökens über diesen dröppelnden Klicker-Murmel-Beat? Verloren im Home-Office-Digikapitalismus, aber immerhin mit Kaffee und Option auf Ausschlafen.

17. Peter Doherty & Frédéric Lo/The Fantasy Life Of Poetry And Crime

Nach Frankreich zu ziehen und sich dort als gesetzter Poèt maudit zu inszenieren ist noch immer das Beste, was Doherty nach den beiden versöhnlichen Platten mit seinen wildzüngig-romantischen Indiebands machen konnte. In der neusten Auflage dieser Karrierephase legt Lo nun ein paar sehnende Streicher drunter, mehr braucht es nicht zum Glück.

16. Silk Sonic/Leave The Door Open

Bruno Mars, Anderson Paak, eiskalt-schlüpfrig-nostalgischer Retrofunk; irgendwie will man es ja blöd finden, aber es ist halt gut!

15. Placebo/Surrounded By Spies

Mit einem Placebo-Album war eigentlich nicht mehr zu rechnen, hatte sich die Band doch aus einem eigentlich recht ordentlichen Rhythmus vor einigen Jahren zum Duo zerlegt und in dieser Konstellation zunehmend das Erbe kuratiert, um sich von den Tantiemen in irgendwelche Synth-Pop-Projekte zu stürzen. Album Nummer acht hätte ein Phantom bleiben können, ist nun aber draußen, und leistet mehr, als es über die bloße Existenz des Albums hinaus zu hoffen gab - jedenfalls bis "Surrounded By Spies" als zweite Single erschien, ein Versprechen, düster, paranoid, gemurmelt, schwerfällig, von einem Flirren durchzogen, das sich irgendwann tatsächlich in einen D'n'B-Beat entlädt. Placebo werden nie wieder diese sexy Alternative-Band mit den flotten Hits sein, die ein bisschen zu clever für sich selbst sind. Hier schaffen sie es, sich trotz dieses Defizits und dem gescheiterten Reboot als Band mit guter Laune nicht nur souverän, sondern gerade in dieser altersmüden Akzentuierung frisch zu inszenieren.

14. Normani feat. Cardi B/Wild Side

Schläge in ein Flirren, schlüpfrige Zeilen, von Normani in einer beneidendswerten Nonchalance vorgetragen, die manche ihr zu Unrecht als Langeweile vorwerfen. Es ist ein Stil, ihr Quarkbacken!

13. Verifiziert/Schlaflos

Pop aus CH/D/Ö ist ein scharf geschnittenes Brot, und auf welche Seite dieser lauchig-loungige Somnambul-Pop mit HipHop-Flavour landet, das ist noch nicht ganz geklärt. Aha: 'nicht geklärt' ist ziemlich genau die Stimmung insbesondere dieses Songs, der so herrlich ziellos mit Sektflecken auf dem schwarzen Plüschmantel durch die Nacht stolpert. "Was hast du mit mir gemacht" - ja, was denn???

12. Wisborg/I Believe In Nothing

Auch was für die Nacht, aber eher im Sarg, mit Rotwein auf dem Cape, volles Programm, die Orgel im Anschlag, die Uhr schlägt zwölf, der Bass ruckelt, die Sisters-Of-Mercy-Gitarren malen den Himmel dunkelstblau, mittendrin Overacting, aber es ist geil, sitzt perfekt, wie alles an diesem Song, in dem Wisborg ihrem Goth-Rock Beine machen.

11. Olivia Rodrigo/Brutal

dö-dö-dö-dö-dö-dö-dö! dö-dö-dö-dö-dö-dö-dö! Und immer so weiter, stampfend durch die Selbstzweifel, die Gitarre genau so verzerrt, dass das alles irgendwie noch in einem Disney-Channel-Kinderzimmer aushaltbar ist, aber eben verzerrt genug um auszudrücken, dass das Zimmer selbst langsam nicht mehr aushaltbar ist. Nebenbei ein perfekter Selbstentwurf, der uns Sad Kids in ein Album spült, das es an anderer Stelle zu rühmen gilt.

10. Tocotronic feat. Soap & Skin/Ich tauche auf

Ja, spätestens jetzt sind die Tocos im souveränen Spätwerk angekommen, die Trilogie-Struktur (wenn es sie je gab) ist ausgefranst, nun geht es um virtuose Variation, und sich zu just diesem Zweck Anja Plaschg ins Boot zu holen, zu einer schauerromantischen Ballade von nicht lebbarer Liebe, war eine wirklich hervorragende Detailentscheidung - die "Ich tauche auf" im Folgejahr zu einem wichtigen Stück im zerpuzzelten 13. Album der Gruppe machen wird, so viel Vorgriff sei erlaubt.

9. Heave Blood & Die/Kawanishi Aeroplane

Ein Zufallsfund von schlafwandlerischer Qualität: Heave Blood & Die haben dem ewigen Kreisen im Sludge entsagt und aus dem klebengebliebenen Schlamm wolkige Gitarrenbausche gemacht. "Kawanishi Aeroplane" fühlt sich an wie dieses Knistern, wenn einem ins Ohr geflüstert wird - aber die gut-unangenehme Variante davon.

8. Low/Days Like These

Den Trick kennen Brennies schon von "Describe", dem besten Song aus 2020; Low lassen nun aber nicht Shoegaze ausbrennen, bis nur noch Wölkchen übrig sind, sondern schneiden mit scharfer Schere Gospelmomente aus, bis nur noch Fetzen übrig sind.

7. Japanese Breakfast/Posing In Bondage

Ein Blick in die Listen der Anderen zeigt: "Be Sweet" war der Konsenshit von Michelle Zauners Konsensalbum, und ja, diese etwas zu süße Melodie im Refrain schockt in wirklich herrlichem Maße. Mir persönlich ging diese wabernd-gehauchte, mäandernde und doch hittig-geknotete Sehnsuchtsballade aber doch noch ein entscheidendes Stück näher. Vorschlag zur Güte: Wenn "Be Sweet" schelmisch aus "Jubilee" rausragt, hängt "Posing In Bondage" sinister im Unterholz rum, und beides zusammen markiert dann irgendwie die Größe dieses Albums.

6. Këkht Aräkh/Swordsman

Larmoyanter Black Metal, mit Corpsepaint und von Burzum geborgtem Künstlernamen und allem - schwer, dabei keine Bauchschmerzen zu kriegen. Und sowieso kann und darf und muss man das alles vielleicht auch kitschig finden, den kratzigen Sound auf "Pale Swordsman", den das Klavier immer wieder in Richtung Spieluhr zerrt - spätestens in diesem melancholischen Finale, in dem der titelgebende bleiche Schwertsmann sich endgültig und ja auch frei von jeglichem Black Metal und doch durch diesen ästhetisch eingefärbt und gedeckt über menschenleere Landschaften schleppt, in einem kruden Heroismus, der hier aber wahnsinnig groß und glockenhell-zerbrechlich auf den Punkt gebracht wird? Vermutlich, ja. Bürde und Privileg des ästhetischen Urteils ist, sowas aushalten zu können, wenn das Urteil denn kickt. Und mich hat es schlichtweg aus den Latschen gehauen, in den Schnee, direkt neben die Ledergaloschen dieses einsamen Romantikers. Vorschlag zur Güte: Kritische Distanz muss auch von dort aus möglich sein.

5. Ja, Panik/Apocalypse or Revolution

01. Januar 2021, Katerstimmung, aber nicht wegen Party. Es gäbe schlechtere Momente, um sich vom Zeitenwende-Fatalismus der gealterten Burgenländer*innen anstecken zu lassen, und auch wenn das große Comeback nicht gelingen wollte (wohl auch, weil Ja, Panik bereits vor 2014 hörbar mit der Form der Fortsetzung ihrer Karriere haderten und ihnen in der Zwischenzeit einfach die Infrastruktur weggebrochen ist, es zudem sowieso gar kein so breites Interesse mehr an Indie, dessen knuspriger Rand sie irgendwie ja waren, gibt), bleibt "Apocalypse or Revolution" ein erschreckend treffendes Bekenntnis zum Zaudern in einer Intensität, in der sich kein Leben gestalten lässt, das aber ab und an in Form von Stücken wie diesem aufzusuchen gut tut.

4. Charli XCX/Good Ones

Die Synthesizer liegen halt schon dreist nah an den Eurythmics, der Grabestanz in Nachbarschaft von "Helena", und sowieso war "Good Ones" im ersten Moment knackig-nett, aber nicht mehr - ein Snack, aber kein Auftakt zu einem neuen Albumzyklus. Nun, Letzteres hat sich faktisch widerlegt, die Sache mit der Qualität des Songs hingegen geschmacklich, denn irgendwann fräst sich das ins Heulen gestreckte 'Go' in den Kopf, und wenn das erstmal da sitzt, steckt auch der poppige Frust an, immer einfach an die Falschen zu geraten. Und spätestens als Perfume Genius das Ganze mit dem Kopf so lange in den Matsch drückt, bis die Hölle sichtbar wird, offenbart der Song sein volles Potenzial im Pop-Rhizom.

3. Magdalena Bay/Chaeri

Der Beat schiebt, die Melodien ziehen vorbei, immer in der Erwartung, das gleich was kommt, vorerst aber getaucht in die düstere Verlorenheit der Tanzfläche - oder halt des Lockdowns. Mit "Chaeri" ist den Hyper-Pop-Alumnen Magdalena Bay zwischen allem Schabernack ein Stück trister Musik zur Zeit gelungen, dessen obligatorische Explosion angenehm-unangenehm brennt im Brustkorb, während Mica Tenenbaum fragend um eine Freundschaft ringt und so leidet und an sich und der Welt bis zur Klimax verzweifelt, wie es sonst eigentlich Lovesongs vorbehalten ist. Ein Vexierbild, klar, aber umso herrlicher ist es, da eintauchen zu dürfen.

2. Paula Hartmann/Trumann Show Boot

Hinten im Auto, von Burger King zu McDonalds, leicht durchgeschüttelt, die Lichter einer neuen Ampelanlage schimmern zwischen den Köpfen alter Freunde hindurch, und in der Musikanlage läuft etwas, das ich noch nicht kenne, das mich zögern lässt, obwohl es eigentlich tief in mir drin schon reinkickt. Die nächsten Wochen und Monate werden für Paula Hartmann vielleicht zur Probe, das Marketing dreht schon die richtigen Schrauben, doch diesen ersten Lauf an Singles, diese Stimmung, die in diesem Format tatsächlich richtig aufgehoben war und vielleicht in "Truman Show Boot" wirklich ihre traurig-kullernde Erfüllung fand, nimmt uns niemand mehr.

1. Billie Eilish/Happier Than Ever

Irgendwie habe ich es geschafft, den Song "Happier Than Ever" erstmal zu verpennen. Die ultraleise erste Hälfte passte vielleicht zu gut in das restliche Vorab-Single-Understatement des zweiten Billie-Eilish-Albums, irgendwie hatte ich nach den ersten Durchg��ngen wohl auch einfach schon andere Favoriten ausgemacht und möglich ist auch, dass die Dramaturgie des Videos, das eine meiner ersten Rezeptionen leitete, mir etwas zu plastisch vor Augen führte, was scheinbar erst beim Hören einen ungeahnten Sog entwickelt. Nämlich wie Eilish, kurz vor Ende dieses Albums von ungeahnter Pop-Grandezza, fast ihre Stimme verliert, nur noch raunt, verblasst, gurrt, bis die Gitarren anziehen, entweder Eilish zur Aktion zwingen (wie die ins Haus dringenden Wellen im Video) oder von ihrem Unmut über all die verlorene Liebesmüh überhaupt erst rekrutiert werden, sich all das jedenfalls steigert und entfaltet bis es unvermeidlich, aber umso wuchtiger knallt; weil der Song mehr oder minder in sich selbst kracht, mit aufgerauter Gitarre, Eilish mit sich selbst im Chor, alles sowieso aufgedreht, Arme ausgestreckt in einem wirren Wirbel, befreites Schreien in einem zerstäubten Song, der am Ende einfach weggesaugt wird. Wenn man es so liest eigentlich komisch, dass es erst brauchte, um zu zünden. Gut möglich aber auch, dass genau an diesem Punkt der Funke entspringt, der so ein beispiellos ans Herz gehendes Lied auszeichnet.

[dylanreviewsthings]

Meet The Lineup: Dia De Los Deftones

We're trying out a new series of articles called "Meet The Lineup" on the site, where we take an in-depth look at the lineups for upcoming festivals. Let us know what you think of it in the comments, and if you have any suggestions for festivals we should cover!

While alternative metal legends Deftones certainly need no introduction, they'll be introducing fans to a lot of new sounds at their inaugural Dia De Los Deftones festival this November in San Diego, California. The festival has everything, from high-class metal to trap rap to alternative; here's a look at what you can expect from the artists at the festival.

DEFTONES

The Deftones hardly need to be introduced, but for those unaware of the art metal giants, get with the program! Deftones' latest release, 2016's Gore, is the pinnacle of their art metal exploration with haunting tracks like 'Prayers/Triangles' and 'Hearts/Wires,' with some heavy-hitters like title track 'Gore' and 'Phantom Bridge' featuring Alice In Chains' Jerry Cantrell. Before that, Deftones made it big during the nu-metal movement of the late-90s and early-2000s, with iconic records such as White Pony and Around The Fur, which spawned hits like 'My Own Summer (Shove It)' and 'Headup.' Since then, Deftones have branched out of their angst-ridden music and delved into more raw, visceral music, some of their finest work being done in 2010's massive Diamond Eyes and 2012's sensual Koi No Yokan.

FUTURE

Future is another artist who if you haven't heard of, you've been living under a rock. The Atlantan rapper is one of the leading faces of the trap-rap movement, and has delivered plenty of records in his time in the spotlight, from 2015's DS2 to his latest output, this summer's new mixtape BEASTMODE 2. He's collaborated with the biggest names in rap, with everyone from Drake to The Weeknd, as well as spawning his own hits, such as 'Mask Off' and 'Low.' We're not the biggest fans on Future around here, but he's undoubtedly one of hip-hops biggest faces right now.

MIKE SHINODA

If you follow us, chances are you know who Mike Shinoda is. Shinoda is the creative mastermind behind Linkin Park, and his work has extended to his own solo career. Following the passing of Chester Bennington, he's released his own record called Post Traumatic, documenting his journey through grief and getting on firm footing as he looks ahead. With powerful tracks like 'Over Again' and 'Nothing Makes Sense Anymore' to more uplifting, hopeful songs like 'Crossing A Line' and 'Hold It Together,' Post Traumatic connects with anyone who's ever lost and been through the grieving process. Included on the record is a collaboration with the Deftones' Chino Moreno, on the song 'Lift Off,' so it's possible we will so a collaboration happen! Attendees can expect a mix of his solo material, Linkin Park, and Fort Minor songs in his set.

ROCKET FROM THE CRYPT

Now it's to get into the more underground names. San Diego-locals Rocket From The Crypt first rose on the punk rock scene in 1989, gaining momentum in the mid-90s with records that included 1995's Scream, Dracula, Scream! and 1998's RTFC. After going on hiatus in 2005, the band fully returned in 2013 with a slew of live performances around the world. They haven't released new music since 2002, but they certainly still have loads of energy live and definitely still have the same power of their prime now, their blend of punk, shoegaze, and grunge still coming together dynamically.

HO99O9

Ho9909 is a hip-hop group from New Jersey, and are right up there with Death Grips in the realm of experimental music. Their sound is jarring, with giant synths accentuating charged lyrics that have a definitive shock factor. Like any experimental group, their sound can be off-putting and certainly requires an open ear and time to grow, but Ho99o9 is out here making important music that has strong messages, even if the music itself may seem crazy. They're about as punk at hip-hop gets. Ho99o9 has several mixtapes and singles to their name, and released their first album, United States Of Horror, FAMILY in 2017.

DOJA CAT

When we said Dia De Los Deftones was a festival with variety, we weren't kidding. Doja Cat is a California-native pop singer and rapper, and she'll certainly be turning heads at Dia De Los Deftones. No artist on the bill even comes close to her sound; simple poppy beats support her suggestive lyrics that see her quickly switch between sung and rapped parts. While her messages aren't quite the same anger-driven ones that define a lot of the other artists on the bill, but her attitude definitely keeps her on the same boat. She released her debut album Amala in March of this year.

VEIN

To pair with the Deftones' fans who like their music heavy, Vein is the band to watch out for. Vein is one of the angriest hardcore bands on the scene right now, with vicious vocals and jagged guitars filling every song. Their music has a weird cinematic thrill to it, even with as raw as it is. There's something just enthralling about the pure rage to it. If you're a fan of punk rock or metal, Vein is definitely the band to check out; the Boston-locals have three EPs and one full-length album to their name, errorzone being release in June of 2017.

VOWWS

Last but not least, VOWWS is perhaps one of the most interesting groups on the bill. Their sound is described as "death pop," which essentially equates to Nine Inch Nails on drugs. Their haunting, dark sound comes straight out of the playbooks of NIN, Depeche Mode, and all your favorite 80's and 90's new-wave artists. Pop beats contrast the thick, distorted guitars and ghastly harmonies that really capture this unique sound. The best way to get a feel for the music is to listen to it: the Australian duo's latest record, Under The World, came out in March.

Excited for the festival? The pre-sale begins now (10am PDT), while the general sale begins this Friday at 10am PDT. Dia De Los Deftones is taking place at Petco Park at The Park in San Diego, California on November 3, 2018.