#ive withdrawn into myself when it comes to talking to people personally so much that i dont know if i could even navigate me

[technicolorxsn]

thinking abt that day again....

[trainingdummyrabbit]

which character ya wanna post about? (invitation to go off)

ouuHGUHUGHHG ive been rotating this around for hours bc ive redirected myself like 5 times since u sent it but ithink i got it i got it this time. i wanna talk abt porccubus. ok gimme a minute gimme a minute

so like. i know theyre technically the same thing, across lobcorp/ruina, but i really really wanna dissect the weird contrast it has going on there. (though, isuppose, their "same"ness is kinda up in the air re:abnos, considering there was a librarian snippet abt child of the galaxy being more "vicious", but wwwwwweh [waves hands around])

so like. the thing about lobcorp porccubus is that its just. an odd fucking creature. like yeah obviously, but its about the way its perception seems to weave around it. its core themes, that of pleasure and euphoria, uncontainable and uncontrollable, would imply that its something impulsive, stimulation-seeking, something that is driven wholly by desire and would be difficult to pin down. however, the way that its logs and flavor text are written give off a much more... subdued vibe, for lack of better words to describe it.

it is the source of that elation, yes, but everything in the way it holds itself is so withdrawn. it simply floats there, yes, but there is little to no mention of it making any moves of its own (which, now that i recheck its info log, is also mentioned plaintext!) and its in-work flavor text seems to speak with the tone of someone Studying it, Speaking about it, rather than observations of its movements or descriptions of its mindset. its all very distant. speaking in third person to someone who is listening. ...right?

which is to say: whats wrong with this dog. its story implies direct exploitation yet it just… it Just. its some strange little animal. its not malevolent and trying to kill people for fun. but it also isnt all sad like petals plucked from a daisy. it just Is. it has almost the same sort of feel as some sort of object. and yet it is clearly alive. does it have a will? it must; as abnormalities Do. so what is it? it functions by its own rules and just kinda Goes Here. does it want? does it need?

porccubus itself acts more like a Service or Trade than an actual creature. you walk in and interact with it, and it knows what to do in response. game of trust - it does a little song and dance as is its nature, yet doesnt seem to desire much more.

which also brings me to the shackle-- the little necklace around its neck. it speaks about how it was chained up, for whatever reason, and yet nobody seems to have any idea why. and porccubus... just doesnt seem to mind it. never mentions it. its such a particular type of indifference. (i suppose another good question is what is it shackled to?) and even further still... what does it mean that the ego gift it grants Is that necklace?

lc!porccubus as a creature is laced with restraint. both in a literal sense, And in an internal sense. pleasure and euphoria, yet it is definitively restrained. it cannot reach out first. it does not act on its own, but rather waits for something else to reach out First. even when it breaches, it (according to what im reading,) simply... waits. waits for an approach. (you Must approach it. it has to be a Choice.) theres something very Aimless about it, mechanical almost. i cant really sum it up in any way other than That Is An Animal.

...which brings a very interesting contrast between It and its Ruina counterpart. in the library, its much more Jubilant. it speaks, for one, which is something i straight up didnt know it did for a while. the way that it presents itself outwardly is much more outspoken-- inviting, wanting someone to engage, trying to persuade that first step. it yearns! pet it! it wants to share what it has to give, but it still wants that hand of yours offered to it First. its happy! its happy! come be happy with it!! dance with it, play with it! its demeanor is so much more forward, more present... more conscious.

and crucially... that shackle is no longer tied about its neck. rather, it dangles loose from the end of its tail, almost like an accessory rather than something granted/given to it. does this represent the release of former ties? it certainly acts more free than it did before-- whatever was holding it back, is it gone now? is its shift in demeanor the jubilant frolicking of that which has never been able to soar? is this what allows its nature of wishing to share that elation to shine through? much like a dog chained to a stake, finally being set loose in an open field.

in an unspoken turn of events, porccubus seems to focus on Release. release of ties, release of inhibitions, release of that which had been holding you back. it wants nothing more than to give what it is experiencing to those which are weighed down by things that keep them unhappy. and yet, it does nothing to truly alleviate what those woes are, simply covering them up with a layer of unrelenting sweetness.

..............which of course, brings me to angela. yeah yall thought i could go an essay without her?? lol. lmao.

on the floor realization centered around her staunch desire to live, it almost seems to stick out like a sore thumb. with all of the withdrawn mourning and wishing that the rest of the phases share, pleasure is an odd slap in the face, almost. but... it really does make it hit that much harder-- Especially with that which was expanded upon above. the imagery of unshackling yourself from that which held you down, allowing yourself to feel things you never were able to-- never were Allowed to. is that not what she stands for, here?

its reaching towards an open door, trying to grasp to any amount of Living that you can reach-- you deserve that much, at least. at the Very least. you Have to be allowed something. but not only is it that desire, but its also the Ignorance. the understanding that no matter what you mask it with, all that baggage still remains. chasing those short, intense bursts of happiness-- everything else still continues to eat away at what's underneath. and yet, theres still a consciousness to that. even further than that, a commitment.

who cares what becomes of you because of this? this happiness-- this which you were never allowed to so much as dream of-- is right within your grasp. and to taste it for even the smallest of moments, the briefest amount of time-- that makes it worth it. it was all worth it. nothing matters more than this complete devotion to sensation. it doesnt matter if it tears you apart from the inside, this is what you were always looking for. this is what you deserve. and youll do anything to hold onto it.

in some odd way, it really is about rotting.

in conclusion,

[aaeds]

The worst advice Ive gotten all week is to eat small meals and snacks, but my stress levels are so high I’ve recognized I’m in trauma shut down mode.

I felt bad for falling down the stairs face first into a basket, and I’m all messed up. I’m doing so much for my family taking care of things around the house I feel less and less like I exist and more like cheap labour.

I’m not angry even if I could be, but eating and having feelings has completely drained from me. I’m robotically moving through the day anticipating the next demand or crying. I am capable of so many things, but I’m treated like an idiot.

I cooked so much for others and watched them eat that I stopped feeling anything, I’m a taller person who takes directions, folds laundry and puts it away. I put together outfits, and give everyone drinks at night.

By the time I’m done I just sit on my stairs, concentrate on what I need but it just drops out. Its like several years ago but I feel nothing and more withdrawn. I dont want to draw or play games, I’m on medicine for depression but this feels different.

Its like my life is already over, and I’m just waiting to bury the last two members of my family. It doesn’t make me that sad, I’m just exhausted at the prospects of how long it’ll take. Maybe thats mean, I’ll miss them but right now they’re not my parents.

I thought maybe I was mentally giving up, but at work today I thought I already have. I gave up on a future for myself, things I wanted, what I want to do. Whether or not I want to pursue a relationship when this is all I am, how exhausting that would be. Friendships arent fun when people worry.

If I laugh or talk to loud it means I’m available to help, so if I want peace or time to think I just sit in silence at my desk or in bed. Its not that books or games or shows are boring I just feel guilty.

“Come play this game with us,” but I’m not supposed to be having fun. Mom is crying and needs help, I shouldn’t be laughing or talking about my feelings on the matter. Its alienating. I don’t relate or understand my friends anymore. They don’t get it or never grew up this way. They got out or have other family. Its just me, I’m the last surviving child and the youngest, but I cant maintain my job and this lifestyle.

I hate when people tell me to run away or leave, they have no idea how scary it is to pick some up from a fall or handle the bleeding and abuse. Or when you’re forgotten by name, all the crying and screaming. It follows you everywhere and doesn’t immediately get better. Not when its your whole life. Its decades of trauma and guilt.

Every plan you make or purchase you make is disappointment, other people need more help than you even when you question if thats a lie. Giving up your birthday for someone else because it feels selfish to ask for things or want things. Its already so internalized. I mean, only one person celebrates my birthday as an adult, I got too old for birthdays, easter, halloween and Christmas before I turned 12. Even if its something I want, I cant ask for it from my family.

If I got sick or needed help I was a burden or at least an inconvenience. So somewhere down the line these past months my body and just shut down. I just don’t have it in me to be falsely cheerful, its just exhausting.

Even if you love your family, and you work full time - even the small things add up until theres just no room to be anything but what they need. I wanted to travel once.

Will it be a miracle if I can? If I’ll even want to?

[crisps-craft]

Hello, I saw your post about being open for readings and thought I would try at asking a question if that's alright. Lately I have been contemplating the concept of a curse, I have been a witch for 5 years and understand the concept within its typical context and discourse, but I find that often times we tend to view ourselves as being 'cursed' when we see the repetition of an event or fault within ourselves; this can be something we see suddenly begin at some point in our lives (clear or vague) or believe to come from birth (maybe a past life). In some ways, rationally I know I'm not cursed and that it has more to do with my self perception, but looking back at my life I see a history in which I'm alone, incapable of making friends or successfully socialising with others except for a few online friends and shallow irl friendships who aren't part of my daily life (unlike other forced/awkward interactions). I would like to know if, when, and how this will change? Is it really a curse that I've placed on myself or was born with?

I hope you have a wonderful day and Thank You,

-L.C.F 🌙

Capricorn Rising, Sagittarius Sun

hello :) reading this ask, i just wanted to take a second to appreciate your occult philosophy because mine is very similar and its fascinating talking with other practitioners and witches! & while reading your question, i got a very cerebral and intellectual vibe from you. you spend so much time refining your perspectives and personal beliefs- its like a mental tinker toy that you always add, remove, transmute, and transform with. you are always learning and try to add / question it and its cool. scientist philosopher vibe and it makes sense with the cap ris and sag sun!

a quick astrological note i have about sagittarius is that a lot of them that ive been friends with (i have a lot of sag friends - im a gemini so sister signs hehe) never feel at place anywhere. not only physically, but even with friends too? even the extroverted ones who have the skill and charisma of socializing never feel at place or 'real' with anyone - jupiter (ruling planet) is an outer planet and they are more focused on large-scale collective issues / philosophy, etc. and their energies tend to be heavier / more intense with outer planets imo. esp with saturn as your ruler (im going to guess your sun in sag is in the 12th house if your rising is in cap! i have a 12th house too and 12th house planets are veryyyy important to your soul's path and how it experiences existence) a 12th house sun indicates someone more withdrawn who only feels comfortable being who they are alone - however, often enough, they find themselves emotionally in conflicts with this. 12th housers are notably known for experiencing loneliness, however, not only can this change (the 12th house has highhh spiritual energy within it that can manifest sooooo much holy shit) 12th housers are natural psychics, channelers, and magicians. its part of their soul path. when they learn to channel more from a place of pure self acceptance, self-love, etc. - existence will be so much easier for them.

i have a couple 12th house placements and when i was younger i couldnt click with anyone either - for example, i hate television and mass media. i use tumblr as a spiritual space which is nice but thats about it. i have others but all of it exhausts me tbh. i read a lot of philosophy and psych (im a phi and psych major) and its made me see the world differently. i took for more sensitive intelligent yet fun types! those people can be hard to find and when i was younger and not in control of my 12th house energies (aka always having self guilt, intense self hatred, intense ego inflation / wanting to achieve worldly goals) i couldnt manifest or meet any of them. i spend a lot of time alone (but honestly my psychic abilities thriveee when im alone so realize that the 12th house has hidden gifts and they r so fun hehe) and through self-healing, when i noticed myself shedding those parts of myself that were channeling dark energy, my life manifested better in all areas. when you shed the ego, oddly enough spirit comes through and blesses your life and im so serious with this one. my relationship to the world changed radically, same with my family, friends, i came into alignment with my soulmates. the 12th house is all about learning self-forgiveness and changing negative mental patterns- like i think, from reading your question, you are blaming yourself a lot like "whats wrong with me?" or "what am i doing to 'dispel' people?" i dont think this is the case. its wild because other people find you really cool and intelligent but in a detached way while you see yourself so much lesser than. but ur cool asf so remember that haha. i think that recognizing what qualities you like in people instead of what you lack in yourself might help - there is a good manifestation tool where you write spells/ affirmations and put it on the windowsill and forget about it. when you write what you want, you have to be specific (to make sure the spell doesnt work wrong), use positive energy, and use the present tense as if it has already happened. this might help you redirect and refocus a bit?

i also want to say that witches and mystics can often feel lonely- i notice this a lot with my intuitive friends where they either need a lot of alone time or cant find those introspective, deep, solacing, and safe connections that they crave. they exist out there, and i think alignment will help. trust in yourself. i keep getting the whole self-love message here - your guides are stressing this a lot - also i would recommend looking into 12th house placements because (i cant exaggerate it enough) that's the fix- the only way out is from within.

though im not too familiar with the specifics of curses (i practice light magick) i see curses as reversible forces and i truly believe in the unconditional love of the Absolute (the universe) and its extensions of Being (the soul in the immaterial realms, and the ego in the material realms). the lessons that our souls are learning on earth are stepping stones to our revolution. opening up the heart to the unconditional patience and forgiveness to yourself is so essential - don't rest in shame or feel like 'something is wrong with you'. fear feeds on fear, and love breeds on love. Sometimes 12th house placements can feel like a curse but it’s moreso what state of mind you have. If anything, the 12th house is karma to resolve. Just make sure you aren’t blaming yourself and that it can be so difficult to connect with people and it’s not your fault at all - imo from a philosophical standpoint, we have capitalism to blame. Marx’s theory of alienation is interesting.

I hope that this could help and that it resonates! energy is such a malleable and manipulative source so you can use this for good causes such as energy transmutation and rebirth. i think that expanding out into your interests and trying to find people similar to you might help? like i think you seek mental stimulation and you should look for those types? like most people seem kind of unconnectable or maybe even childish to you and i don't blame you at all for that

[muwur]

idk if this counts as an emergency or comfort request but ive been havin a REAL bad body image week nsnnnsnnnsnn could i maybe request headcanons for either oikawa or kuroo (u can pick if u wanna) with an s/o who is rlly self conscious about being chubby/has a really hard time with food and mayb feels like worthless because theyre not the ideal body type? idk sorry if thats dumb aaaah thank u sm if u choose to do this

self-love

♡ scenarios ♡ for oikawa and kuroo

❧ gn reader

✎ 3.7k words

a/n: hey hun, im sorry to hear you’ve been having a rough time lately. this kind of request actually rlly hits close to home, and if u ever need anything, ur mor than welcome to reach out to me :) i can also help look for resources for help, anything really. this goes for all y’all! i dont want none y’all to feel alone with anything ur going thru cuz we’re in this together! and no need to thank me, the pleasure is mine luv 🥰💕 nothing about this is dumb, ur feelings are valid. i hope this will bring you n many others some comfort. also,, FUCK BODY STANDARDS MAKIN US BELIEVE THERE’S AN IDEAL TYPE BC THERE IS NONE N Y’ALL R BEAUTIFUL N IF U DUN THINK SO I WILL COME OVER DER,,, ok im done 🥰🥰 (more notes at the bottom of this, i talk a lot n think its important, didnt wanna add it up here bc it was too long lolol) tw: mentions of bad body and implies disordered eating behaviors

 oikawa

♡ Oikawa was pretty keen, so when he observed a gradual shift in your behavior, he definitely took notice

♡ One day when you showed up to lunchtime empty-handed and sat with your two friends, casually chatting, Oikawa and Iwaizumi gave you a questioning look

♡ “Where’s your lunch, y/n?” Oikawa asked

♡ “Oh, I, uh, ate it already, actually.”

♡ Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow and offered you some of his, but you declined, thanking him and stating you were already full

♡ Later that day in class, however, Oikawa couldn’t help but notice the absence of your boxed lunch container in your unzipped backpack

♡ The next day, you came empty-handed again, blaming it on your forgetfulness during your rush to get to school

♡ However, it became a normal occurrence over time, and while you seemed fine, uneasiness began to prick inside Oikawa’s stomach

♡ Those smiles you wore appeared fragile, and the laughter that rumbled from your throat felt restrained

♡ You seemed more tired and unfocused than usual

♡ Preoccupied, withdrawn, and distant

♡ He could sense something was bothering you, no matter how much you may (or may not) have tried to hide it

♡ On his way to school one morning, he made sure to stop by a convenience store to pick one of your favorite snacks, thinking it was a simple gesture to brighten up the somber aura he’s been detecting from you

♡ “I have a surprise for you, y/n~” Oikawa announced with excitement, rummaging through his bag to pull out the snack and show it to you. “Look, it’s your favorite!”

♡ You could only offer him an uneasy smile, “Oh, you shouldn’t have...” You really shouldn’t have...

♡ When he noticed the tension in your body and expression, a frown appeared on his lips

♡ “Y/n? Is something wrong?” He reached out to place a comforting hand on your shoulder but you swiftly flinched away

♡ ”I’m fine..!”

♡ Surprised at your sudden movement and outburst, you both felt a split second of apprehension crackle in the air before you started to gather your items in a rush

♡ Sighing, you repeated, “I’m fine.”

♡ He wasn’t sure whether you were speaking to him or yourself

♡ “Thanks for the snack, but I’ll pass. Have it for me. You need it more, anyways; you have volleyball practice. I’ll see you tomorrow, Oikawa,” you offered him a solemn smile and left before he could even reply

♡ Some time had passed before he could finally get you to open up to him

♡ And when you did, it crushed his heart to see how much your insecurities broke you

♡ It hurt to hear how low you thought about yourself; how you couldn’t see the beauty in your being; how you deemed food, your body, and yourself as your worst enemies

♡ Thus bringing you to the conclusion that maybe you’d be happy and like yourself if you could just give up that midday snack or your school lunch

♡ Even raincheck a cafe date you were supposed to have together

♡ Maybe also skip dinner, sometimes breakfast the next morning as well

♡ You could manage on just water

♡ Little sacrifices to shed some weight, feel better, and get closer to your ideal body goals

♡ You admitted, however, to questioning whether any of it was worth it

♡ The constant states of hunger, pain, and defeat you lived in

♡ Only to feel as though you were getting nowhere

♡ Oikawa was well aware of today’s beauty standards. I mean, he himself was often praised for his natural charm and beauty

♡ And you felt you could never reach that ideal

♡ “Oikawa, you’re too good for me.”

♡ His eyebrows knitted in concern as he lifted his right hand to caress your cheek softly. “And why do you say that?”

♡ Tears threatened to prick at your eyes. All you could was stare at the ground in silent shame

♡ When you still said nothing, he leaned in closer, his brown gaze softly pleading

♡ “Y/n, look at me.”

♡ When your eyes flickered up to meet his own, Oikawa asked, “You know I love you, right?”

♡ His question was met with a meek, “Yes.”

♡ From your clouded glaze, he could tell that you had a hard time believing in your own response

♡  “Do you know why?”

♡ But before you could respond, he was already answering his own question

♡ “Well...” he began, glancing up in thought and wearing a small smile

♡ “Something about you makes me want to be by your side. I love to see your smiles and hear your laughter, but I always want to be there to hold you when you’re crying and in pain.”

♡ “You’re supportive. You understand what I need, and I don’t always have to explain myself to you. You take your time with me and make me feel like I can be myself. Not many people have stuck around to actually get to know me. Because of that, you’ve never failed to make my day a little better with just your presence.”

♡ “You’re strong and caring. I can rely on you to have my back, and I hope I provide that same comfort to you as well.”

♡ “I love being able to lazy around with you or go on adventures and discover something new. It’s comfortable and exciting at the same time.”

♡ “Your hands feel like they were made to hold mine.”

♡ He reached down to squeeze your hand gently

♡ “Kissing you makes me forget about everything else on my mind. I can just live in the present with you.”

♡ He moved close and gave you a peck above your eyebrow

♡ “You make me want to work hard and be a better person. You help motivate me to try my best, and you never give up on me. Why would I ever give up on you?”

♡  “I learn something new with you everyday. Like right now, I realize that I’ve never met someone who could so easily make my heart race as they could make my heart break.”

♡ “When I look at you, all I can think about is how beautiful you are and how lucky I am to have you in my life as a partner and one of my best friends. Nobody else could fill the gaps within me the same way you do.”

♡ Leaning over to brush his lips against your forehead, he muttered, “I’m going to love every part of you, inside and out. You’re already my ideal. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I could go on about every detail on why I feel so strongly for you, but I’m here to show you everything there is to appreciate about yourself because you’re worth every ounce of care and effort. And if you can’t see it in yourself right now, I’ll love you more than enough for the both of us until you learn to love yourself. I’m here to help.”

♡ And after crying out your tears into his shoulder as he held you close and rubbed your back, you both went to his house to relax and have some dinner

♡ He was patient with you, taking into account how having a meal may have made you feel anxious

♡ It was something small and simple that you two agreed to prepare and share, after some tender coaxing from Oikawa

♡ He later made a list in his journal about tips to keep in mind:

♡ ‘Check up on y/n often to see how they’re feeling’

♡ ‘Encourage them to eat meals/snacks. Don’t be too pushy, but be patient. Try to have eat with them when you can!’

♡ ‘Remind them they don’t have to earn the right to eat, and that their body doesn’t define their worth‘

♡ ‘Look into some mindfulness techniques!’

♡ ‘Don’t overvalue physical appearance. Also focus on all the other redeeming qualities y/n has! But of course I’m always gonna tell them they look cutee--’

♡ True to his word, he remained understanding

♡ He’s there to listen to you, or to sit with you in comforting silence

♡ During lunch he would share his food with you, reassuring you that it wasn’t something you had to avoid

♡ Some days he succeeds in encouraging you to share a milk bun or your favorite snack with him

♡ And on days you really didn’t feel like it, he never forces anything onto you and instead made sure you at least hydrated

♡ Oikawa spends some time doing research and gathering tips on how to help you

♡ Always reminds you of your worth and how you bring out the best in him

♡ He’ll never hold it against you if you ever become hostile, irritated, or in denial. He knows you’re hurting and doesn’t take it personally

♡ Sends you cute memes with all those emoji hearts

♡ Also some food puns (Oikawa: “I’m soy into you. Please brie mine. We are mint to be. I ap-peach-iate you. You got a pizza my heart. Olive you--” ; You: *puts a hand over his mouth* ; Oikawa: 🥺 ; You: “...olive you, too”)

♡ Always ready to give up what he’s doing to make sure you’re okay

♡ Will stay up with you late at night to talk on the phone

♡ Reminds you you’re beautiful at least 8 times a day

♡ If y’all ever go shopping and you try things on in the fitting room,, Oikawa would be your #1 hype man

♡ One time you tried something on, and you were almost too ashamed to step out and show him

♡ But when you did, you were met with his surprise and excitement

♡ “dfghjklkuyfuh” was all you could process from his incoherent speech before he insisted on treating you by purchasing it for you (Oikawa: “Can you wear this for me, like, everyday?” ; You: *weird look* “Why are you like this??” you love it tho--)

♡ Gushes internally over how cute you are during your movie + cuddle sessions, mostly pays attention to you rather than the movie

♡ Mid-movie be like:

♡ Oikawa: “So, uh, what’s happening again?

♡ You: -.- “You might as well google the whole synopsis instead of watching it”

♡ Oikawa: “...it’s not my fault you’re distracting, babe”

♡ Always politely excuses himself from his fangirls to get to you. Also reassures you he much prefers to be with you than anyone else and that you’re the best catch ;)) (You: “Oikawa, no” ; Oikawa: “y/n, yes”)

♡ Suggested doing some meditation together once

♡ You listened to a recording and you sat side by side on a mat, but Oikawa thought the person’s voice sounded funny so he had a hard time focusing

♡ But it ended with y’all laughing and making jokes as he lay his lead on your lap and you played with his hair

♡ Y’all get better at it tho

♡ Cooking dates! To try to show you that food isn’t an enemy and can bring people together :)

♡ Puts music on so y’all can jam together (Oikawa: “Oh my gosh, y/n, this is my favorite song, you’re not even rEADY to see me perform-- ; You: “Oikawa, t-the food! It’s burning!!”)

♡ Cooking dates also show that you should never leave the stove unattended

♡ Every once in a while he suggests seeking professional help. He wishes he could take away your pain and help you all his own, but he knows this is more complicated and required outside help, too

♡ Has help resources READY

♡ As well as small snacks like granola bars for you if you ever feel faint

♡ He doesn’t hesitate to confront you when he feels it’s necessary and he’s worried about your habits

♡ He handles things well, though, and often convinces you to take care of yourself more, even though he’s there to look after you

♡ Has made it his mission to help you win against your battle with insecurities

♡ Overall, he’s very caring and empathetic, hoping one day you’ll see yourself the way he sees you 💖 : strong, amazing, breathtaking, & perfectly imperfect

kuroo

♡ Occasionally, you would think about the day you broke down in front of him

♡ Your body racked with repressed whimpers as you tried to wipe the tears from your eyes and describe the recent state of your mind through choked sobs

♡ Lately, your thoughts were being especially relentless in making you feel miserable

♡ Oftentimes you’d be able to shove the negative thoughts to the back of your mind and carry on your day as usual, expertly acting as though everything in your life was going smoothly

♡ However, you found yourself fighting a losing battle against your own conscious, heavily preoccupied with thoughts of your own worthlessness

♡ And so you tried to cope

♡ But you were painfully aware of everything you felt was wrong with you

♡ You felt uncomfortable in your skin

♡ Every time you passed by your own reflection, you couldn’t help but mentally recoil at the image looking back at you

♡ Your clothes didn’t fit right

♡ Even when you opted for baggy clothes, you felt like you were taking up all the space in them

♡ Maybe it was the weight gain. You could see and feel it in your face, your arms, your stomach, your legs... everywhere

♡ You just wanted to hide away your shame

♡ Perhaps it was the dessert you allowed yourself to eat the other day. Foolish of you to think then that you wouldn’t regret it as much as you did afterwards

♡ As a consequence of those foolish actions, you made mental notes about anything and everything you ate. What it was, how much of it you had, etc

♡ Trying to restrict so that maybe you would lose some weight and come to like how you look

♡ Your obsessive thoughts of food and weight overtook your mind like a dark cloud

♡ Your favorite foods, which before would never fail to brighten your mood, taunted you with shame and guilt

♡ Exercise? Sometimes it was an activity you genuinely enjoyed. Other times, a chore that made you feel shitty or numb and reinforced your unhealthy desire to lose

♡ And you sometimes found yourself crying over your last meal, one you know you didn’t need. One you didn’t deserve

♡ And each time you released the reins on your self-control, you felt pathetic going against the vow you made to yourself  

♡ At this rate, you’d never be beautiful or be happy with yourself

-You’d remain unworthy, fat, disgusting--

-But before you could continue, your story was cut off by the impact of Kuroo’s embrace

-Your surprise silenced your sobs, and you could only stare wide-eyed at the space in front of you as you felt his arms squeeze tightly around your frame

-You both sat there for a few moments on your knees, with your back lightly leaning against a wall

- “I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing,” he begins softly. “Thank you for sharing with me. It must’ve taken a lot for you to do that.”

-He was right. It was your first time reaching out to another person about this. It was the last thing you thought you would’ve done today

- “I want to let you know that you shouldn’t be ashamed for feeling this way. Reaching out is important and brings you the help you need to get better. I know you might not want help right now or think that these thoughts and behaviors are a problem. However, telling me about all this shows that some part of you is recognizing there’s something wrong and you can’t always handle it on your own.”

-There were many reasons you kept this to yourself. You didn’t want to bother anyone else. Your problems seemed so trivial.  You worried saying them aloud would confirm your beliefs. You were scared people would see you differently. You--

-The intrusive thoughts never failed to make you feel ashamed

-However, it was oddly comforting to release the pent up emotions. To know you didn’t have to bottle up this burden anymore, and that you weren’t alone

-You were about to murmur in response when,

- “Also, you’re an idiot, y/n.”

- “Wow, thanks, as if I don’t already think that about myself,” you bit back in response

-You were about to shove him away just when he released his grip around your body and placed his hands on your shoulders

-His eyes shone with determination and a faint, inviting smile spread on his lips

- “You are the one of the single most important things in my life. I just mean you’re an idiot in the sense that you’re overevaluating one aspect to define your whole self. You’ve forgotten about all your other redeeming qualities that contribute to who you are.”

♡ “Your size, weight, shape; none of that matters. What matters is your health and happiness. Neglecting yourself in order to reach an ‘ideal’ that you’ve concluded is the answer to your self-worth is only bringing you farther away from what you truly want.”

♡ “I don’t mean to downplay any of your emotions or how significant this is to you. Your first step was to put your trust into someone else about this. That’s done. Now, I’m here to help you undergo self-evaluation and serve as encouragement on your journey to self-love and acceptance.”

♡ “I also want to remind you progress is not linear. There will be times when things are harder, and that’s okay; it’s part of the process. If you’re open to getting better in the future, I’m sure as hell going to be there every step of the way.”

♡ And with a soft peck to the forehead and another hug, he nuzzled into your neck and muttered, “I love you. And I want you to love yourself. So, please, allow me to help you through this and I guarantee that by the end of it all, it’ll have been so worth it.”

♡ Unsure what to say, you gripped his jacket tighter, buried your head in his shoulder, and muttered, “Thank you.”

♡ While the negative feelings about yourself remained afterward, you were relieved that your boyfriend was supportive and calm

♡ He treated you the same as always, teasing you over dumb things while making you feel like you stood among the highest peaks on Earth

♡ The day after, he had shown up to your house, weary-eyed and carrying his backpack

♡ “Kuroo? Why are you here? Also, why do you look so tired??”

♡ He stepped into your house with a yawn. He stretched his arms, then reached for his bag and whipped out his laptop

♡ “I stayed up a bit last night to do some research, babe! I also learned a lot about nutrition and molecular gastronomy, so I could help you come up with a meal plan that you’re okay with!”

♡ You were touched he was educating himself on how to help you

♡ But you drew the line at the science jokes-- (Kuroo: “You know you love them.” ; You: “‘Na’ I don’t.” ; Kuroo: :ooo ��Did you just-- Marry me.”) (Na = sodium lol)

♡ His nutritional research helped you to learn the contents of food beyond calories; mans explains the vitamins, nutrients, amino acids, etc in them that you need and their benefits

♡ “Trout, avocados, and almonds have vitamin E, which is good for your skin! Oh, and don’t get me started on bananas. Yes, they have carbs (which your body needs anyway as a source of energy!), but POTASSIUM?? Shit’s gonna regulate your fluid balance, maintain heart health, stimulate normal muscle function, AND help your brain to communicate with the rest of your body!”

♡ ALSO cooking dates; just as chaotic (“Aw mannn, the egg exploded all over the microwave!” dont ask y it was being microwaved)

♡ Over time, he’s taken mental notes about your thoughts, feelings, triggers, etc

♡ He’s quick to pick up on your mood and will always ask you how you’re doing

♡ Tries to do something special for you on days you’re especially not feeling well, like taking you on a spontaneous date! (You: “Do you know how to ice skate?” ; Kuroo: “Uhh,,, after today, I will hopefully”)

♡ But will also opt for staying in with you and cuddling when you don’t want to go out (Kuroo: “I heard this movie is soooo bad! ...wanna watch it?”)

♡ Invited you to the beach with his team during the first week of summer

♡ You were unsure about this, since that meant going out in public, potentially with minimal clothing

♡ You initially sat on a beach towel under an umbrella, wearing the security of a T-shirt. He’d been aware of how you felt ever since he asked you to come, so he would sit with you and link an arm around your shoulder

♡ “I’m lucky I get to spend this day with you,” he’d say. “You look gorgeous. You always do. Now, I wanna see you smile and have fun. Let’s go take a dip, yeah?” He offered his hand, which you shyly took, and pulled you up

♡ Then immediately picked you up and started running to the water to get you soaking wet, and you were forced to ditch the heavy, waterlogged shirt

♡ However, you silently thanked him for his sweet words, making you feel secure enough to just forget your worries and enjoy the warm sun and cool water

♡ He also tries his best to lessen your anxieties over food and often shares/eats meals with you

♡ Reminds you everyday how much you’re worth to him and that there’s nothing about you that needs to change

♡ This sweet, protective, n smart boi will treat you how you deserve. It’s a guarantee he’ll be there through thick and thin, and he’s excited for the day you realize you’re just as amazing as he knows you are 💕

a/n: oop this was rlly long lol mb, i just may or may not personally know a bit about this so i went oFF

also neded to some som silly n fluff bc we all need dat

also, these r like kinda hc’s ?? but also a deconstructed oneshot/scenario?? bc they provide some rly brief bg story? one from more  of the character perspective while the other more on y/n before we get  to the hc’s about how he treats y/n. how everyone struggles w body image is different n i wanted to portray a bit of what it felt like and how it could manifest in ppl’s behaviors/thoughts. however, this is not to say that everyone feels exactly like this. what i wrote only represents a fraction of it all.

by providing some sort of bg i hope im not making u feel like this isnt u  or that u cant relate, pls lmk if i need to change anything to make it  right for u <3 ok now im actually done sry long author’s note  rfguhofe this is just rlly important to me y’all  , stay safe n take care, much luv for u <3

[all-cursed]

Meet my first OC to have a specific fandom they’re attached to!

So I’ve never created an OC specifically for the universe of a show before, they’ve always been fandomless, but I was excited to create one for Wynonna Earp. I’m going to give him a proper page on the muse list as well as give everyone more detailed biographies eventually, but for now, this should work.

DISCLAIMER: to anyone who may have concerns, please know that I myself am Native American (Blackfoot and Cherokee), and did a lot of research while creating this character to make sure I do them justice and create an actual Native character that isn’t just a stereotype. Some parts that might seem stereotypical - such as the name this character chooses to go by - just comes with the modern era the universe is set in and the character’s own reasons. Several of the struggles he faces as well are specifically chosen because I hope to raise awareness in some small ways to the struggles that IPOC face even today. None of it is meant to be fetishising or stereotypical - some of it just exists in that space as an unfortunate reality.

Alright! Here we go.

                                                       [    i.    STATS   ]

NAME.  meecha wo’i  " crow "  redwolf .   

AGE.  23 as of 1x01 .

DOB.  nov 29th ,  1993 .

GENDER. gender-indifferent cis male  :   prefers he/him or they/them pronouns .

PREF. pansexual but has a preference for men and nonbinary individuals 

SPECIES.  human ,  witch  ,   skinwalker .

RESIDENCE.  the  ghost  river  triangle  .

OCCUPATION. former cashier ; former lead guitar in an up and coming rock band ; current bartender . 

ETHNICITY. in simple terms: native american. specifically: hopi and creek. some scottish but not by much. 

 [    ii.    INTROSPECTION    ]

POSITIVE TRAITS.   curious ,   adaptable ,  perceptive ,   creative ,   passionate ,   loyal ,   perseverant , open-minded , compassionate .

NEUTRAL TRAITS.  persuasive ,   withdrawn (at first; nervous about other’s intentions) ,   secretive , free-wheeling .

NEGATIVE TRAITS.  temperamental ,   unrestrained ,  spiteful ,   reckless ,   capricious ,   hedonistic .

DISLIKES.  sounds of traffic or loud machinery in general &  the sound of metal on metal &  the smell of cheap perfume/cologne &  hot weather &  dust  &  houseflies &  being told (instead of asked) what to do &  rap music &  wool scarves &  fluorescent lights &  lack of hygiene &  orange flavoured candies/sodas/anything that’s not an actual orange &  deep dark waters he can’t see the contents of &  mistreatment of animals &  having assumptions made about him  &  mathematics &  onions &  football  .

LIKES.  the scent and sound of rain &  physical touch &  candles , lighters , and controlled flames in general &  the smell of cedar , pine , and the forest &  music and playing musical instruments &  italian food &  raving about attractive people with others; intoxication is a bonus &  leather; wearing it and the smell of it &  glasses clinking together &  late night talks &  stargazing &  drawing / sketching &  records and record players &  animals &  'stealing’ and wearing the clothes of people he’s close with &  running &  card games &  dancing and singing & creating something out of nothing &  getting the last word .

HOBBIES. drawing &  singing and playing instruments &  exploring / learning as many places as they can like the back of their hand & people watching  &  drinking and bar hopping &  seeking pleasure and adventure wherever he can find it & collecting random things he enjoys / likes .

WEAKNESSES. he’s standoffish until he knows he can trust a person and can come off rude or aloof  & the inability to let go of most grudges &  his tendency to follow his desires and his heart before logic or his mind  &  impulsivity when emotional .

STRENGTHS. independence and ability to function and thrive alone (even if he would prefer to have company it is not mandatory) &  ability to be resourceful and adapt to new situations quickly &  handles time-sensitive situations well due to his tendency to act quick and think later &  stubbornness to stick to a task and see it through &  quick thinking &  agility and speed of inhuman proportions (thanks to his less than human side) .

HABITS. clicking his teeth together repeatedly when annoyed &  flexing  fingers & playing with his hair in absentminded / lazy moments &  silently staring at someone when he’s done with a conversation until they catch the hint and stop talking  &  if there’s music playing within earshot he always ends up swaying to the beat  &  will often make less than human sounds (growls, etc.) when angry if he doesn’t catch himself .

EDUCATION. average  student  throughout  elementary ,  middle &  high  school .  graduated with an equally average gpa of 3.0 , &  decided against college, choosing to seek education in less typical places .  fed up with his family and much of the treatment of his peers, he began to learn magic from a witch he met on one of his regular trips to wander the ghost river triangle and explore & learnt magic and about the more mystical parts of purgatory - ultimately becoming a skinwalker via the witch’s guidance and training .

[  iii. APPEARANCE  ]

FACECLAIM.  booboo stewart . 

HEIGHT.  5 ' 8 " ,  though when able to he wears combat boots that add a few inches to his height . 

EYES.  a very keen and observant hazel when he’s in human form .   when shifting , eye colour can range from yellow to red to green to blue depending on many factors - location , how far he shifts , etc .  always alert and bright unless intoxicated or in very rough shape emotion-wise . often wishes they were green or grey and has considered wearing contacts to change his eyes (human-wise) to those colours.

EYEBROWS.   defined  arch  but not so much so that it’s dramatic .  not too thin and not too bushy , and naturally neat - he rarely has to tend to them and usually only does so to shave a tiny slit or two through them as a stylistic choice .

HAIR.  long and dark ;  sleek with an ever so slight wave to it .  typically worn either down or in a loose ponytail , occasionally sections are braided .  falls just a few inches above his ribcage .  every so often he’ll dye streaks into his hair but has never dyed his whole head .

SCARS.  many . he has a variety of smaller scars from a rowdy childhood; a few faint ones on his hands and arms from scratches borne of cats and dogs . the typical scars that come from falling off bicycles or off swings ; scraped knees and cuts on chins . his forearms especially are covered in scars he prefers not to speak of .  there’s a scar on his forehead from a fight with his cousin as well as a few long scars on his back .

DRESSING STYLE.  it varies depending upon mood and whatever job he has at the time . especially fond of punk / alternative styles , likes leather , and enjoys the comfort of loose and flowing garments. whatever style he happens to choose at any given time , he wears well and somehow always manages to draw attention - whether from the jewelry he accessorises with (varieties of bracelets and cuffs , rings , pendants with gems , etc.)

LIPS.  naturally  full ,  scar at the right corner of his lip , occasionally  sore or split when he goes through anxious phases and tends to chew at his lips .

SKIN.   smooth , tanned . he doesn’t have much body hair , a fact that doesn’t tend to bother him much. he rarely engages in a skincare routine and much like his eyebrows generally stays neat and well-kempt without much effort . does not wear much makeup but enjoys eyeliner from time to time . if not for his skin tone, the dark circles beneath his eyes would be much more visible .

CHEEKS.  defined cheekbones ,   not easily flushed .  sports the occasional scars due to nervous picking when he was younger.

[  iv. ABILITIES  ]

LANGUAGES SPOKEN. english  [ fluent ] ,  hopi  [ conversational &  spellwork language ] , spanish  [ conversational ] .

THREAT LEVEL.  mediocre  to  high .

WEAPONS.  fairly efficient in his understanding of magic and can easily hold his own with either combative or defensive magic ,  but prefers when possible to rely on his own physical skills ; is proficient in hand to hand combat thanks to the speed , agility , and strength bequeathed upon him by his skinwalker nature . very skilled in knifeplay , whether throwing or up close . has little to no practise with firearms as of 1x01 . 

MAGIC. magic learnt by his mentor was primarily elemental based and neutral in that it could easily be manipulated for defensive or offensive ; he was never extremely proficient and left before he could complete his training so he is still learning his limits and the heights he can reach , and wants to branch out . as for the magical abilities granted by his status as skinwalker - he is able to shapeshift , which saps him of certain levels of energy that depend upon what creature he takes the shape of . he is also granted higher than average speed, agility, and strength because of this which he keeps with him even when not shifting.

 [  v. DETAILS  ]

➣➣ he was born in georgia originally to a loving but struggling mother and father - his mother was hopi and his father was creek, and while both parents had originally lived on their own respective reservations, they had met one another by chance during a trip and fallen in love, eventually deciding to seek out their own home outside of the reservations. his parents loved him but struggled financially; eventually his mother’s sister offered to take him in. as that was the better option rather than the three of them becoming homeless, crow’s parents sent him to live with his aunt in arizona on the rez. while they stayed in touch, his parents needed to stay in georgia, and as such he only would see them on the occasional holiday.

➣➣ while his aunt meant well, his cousins were another story. living with his aunt and uncle would have been fine had it not been for their two children; a son and daughter who constantly bullied him behind their backs for not being pure hopi as they were, often harassing him about being a ‘halfbreed’. a quiet boy at heart to boot, he faced bullying in school as well all the way through high school. his cousins, in tenth grade, snooped in his room and found his journal - which they used to out him as pansexual to the school.

➣➣ the moment he graduated, he spent as much time off the rez as possible, avoiding his cousins. on one of his frequent trips to simply explore nearby cities and towns, he found himself in purgatory. one drunken night led to following a mysterious woman into the woods. as it turned out, she was a witch. intrigued and excited at the idea of learning magic and having a way to defend himself, he quickly took her up on her offer to teach him. after a few months, she let him in on her secret - she was a skinwalker.

➣➣ she talked up how powerful she was because of it, and how no one would ever hurt her again. the more he heard about it, the more he wanted it. still unhealed from the way he was treated growing up and too caught up in the concept of never having to be beneath someone ever again, he agreed to let her hold the ceremony that would make him one as well without thinking of the consequences. when she told him that the final task he needed was to kill a family member... he almost faltered but agreed and went back to the rez. 

➣➣ he almost didn’t do it. it was night when he returned, and he could see his male cousin drinking on the porch. the concept of killing someone - even someone like his cousin who had treated him so poorly - was daunting. he might have changed his mind had his cousin not seen him arriving and was immediately being malicious; using homophobic slurs and accusing crow of having run off with a lover, talking about how disgraceful it was. and it all was a blur from there.

➣➣ bringing back a lock of his cousin’s hair to the witch, she finished the rituals and he became the creature she had promised - powerful but at what cost? still wrought with guilt despite having made the ultimate choice, crow left the forests on the outskirts of purgatory where he had been training and into the ghost river triangle itself, unable to go home after what he did and unable to stomach facing the witch. living out of his truck, he went from odd job to odd job, eventually landing a stable job as a cashier at a grocery store. around this time he chose to begin going by the name crow - both to distance himself from his past, and because if someone were to want to control or destroy him now as a skinwalker, they could do so if they knew his true, personal name. as such, a nickname seemed the safest bet. 

➣➣ fastforward to present day (1x01). after a few years of cashiering and attempting to rent rooms and apartments without success, as well as a stint playing guitar for an up and coming rock band, crow landed a job as a bartender at one of the local bars and instead of attempting to rent rooms or apartments, ended up moving into the trailer park. it was sketchy to say the least, but he couldn’t afford anything fancy and clearly didn’t handle having roommates well. a trailer seemed like the next best thing, outside of living in the woods or in his truck. his tendency to mind his own business and expect that of others meant that he mingled with normal purgatory residents and the revenants equally, pursuing his hedonistic nature as he pleased. which was all well and good, until things began to get... a lot more chaotic due to a curse and an heir he had originally had no knowledge of. 

               [ MORE TO COME THROUGHOUT        ��                                      CHARACTERIZATION DEVELOPMENT ]

[bastardguy]

(haha there's very icky thoughts in this so don't read if it triggers ye, if anyone's reading this lmao) boy! it's one of those nights ain't it haha. ultrasadness. i dont have people to talk to which, yknow i feel like a lot of people don't have others to talk to. but anyways! i am sad! f! the most annoying aspect of myself i dislike is how one moment im daydreaming because hehe escapism and dont wanna talking to people at all then the, next moment im unbearably sad and i wanna! have friends that aren't people from my imagination. it's my fault, yep, its allll my fault, im not even trying to be sarcastic here, i know i should actively seek out people to be friends with them but!! im in my element to run around pretending i made fucking animations for my friend group that also exists! totally! it makes me feel great and content until i realise its not real! god am i pathetic haha! how do i improve ? how? why am i like this? is it because my brain views my escapism as safer and more wondrous then reality? to the po in t talking to people just? bore me? it's weird as hell, im probably just a selfish git but i genuinely look at chats and either go "conversation going,, i no want join cause rude" or "there's no point they're all so boring. being alive is boring. your life, your personality, you as a person is boring. that's why he left. he left for someone else he already had plans with, someone who he can actually see regularly in person in the future, someone who makes him happy. you never made him happy. he was miserable being stuck with you, that's why he left, that's why he immediately got into another relationship with someone else. you're why he lied to you, you're the problem, he hates you, you were an abusive fuck who couldn't keep his mouth shut and never changed. he's going to spend years being happy with someone and he's glad he's left you. he hates you. he hates you. he hates you. he hates you. you're the problem. don't ever try again, you don't have thr privlage to die, not yet. wait until everyone's finally tired of your manuplitive, selfish shit then kill yourself. die. just fucking die. just die. no one will stay loving you, you'll be forgotten, why did you say so much? you're fucking obsessive and its all your fault. you existing in the first place was a mistake, when have you ever brought joy to people? when had anyone be glad that you're here? you're better off dead, you're better off dead. you know if she had the choice mother would pick a normal person as a child in a heartbeat. you know if she knew you were going to turn out this way she would have fucking killed you herself because you've been nothing a burden. she'll leave, just like he left and everyone else did. so what if you just followed along with everything they were saying? you should've been smart enough not to be a dick you asshole. anyone that comes into your life will leave, everyone will leave, everyone is going to leave. even thinking about this you're cementing it, it's going to happen because you're thinking so hard about it. all bad things happen to you because you think about them. it's your fault. every bad thing that happens is your fault, you deserve all the slander that will come to you, you will die alone. you will die alone. no one will miss you, you've had a sad pathetic lonely life being unwanted. and it's all your fault. suffer. suffer. suffer. suffer. suffer. suffer. you ungrateful, selfish bastard-" and its very unpog i dont like my brain.

i wish i could find life enjoyable again, i wish i liked talking to multiple people, i wish i had multiple people to talk to. i wish i, didn't have these fucking attachment and abandonment issues that just make me terrified of being close with someone again. i think i have rejection sensitive dysphoria and oh! boy! MM. an internal conflict of "do i have adhd or is it just my anxiety and life long loneliness" had been going on in my brain. because if i had adhd i think thatd explain, a lot actually uYubun, but also those symptoms could stem from uhh, childhood issues and stuff pfft. like id be socially withdrawn and daydream a lot, to the point where i avoided playing with other kids just so i could walk around the yard to think about stuff, which are symptoms of adhd but also it's because "brain got lowkey traumatised being neglected on a plane for so long as a baby without its mother then just got whipped around the country serveral times giving me 0 safe secure places." i, i don't know man. that's a lot i have to talk with my therapist in like half an hour haha.

wow i talk about my problems too much this is why he left me 😩

a ok uhm, uh, yea! im very lonely haha. there's like, a person who i could chat with but i dont want to bother them. they're a good friend but they've been busy and i feel like im highkey using them. which is not pog at all! im not fun to talk with and im very annoying hahaha!

why are people so untrustworthy. why am i sad? only god knows but im god, so god doesn't know.

i think me despretly trying to talk to someone while im sad is so, utterly selfish and pathetic. i mean come on man why only now? haha.

i mean i did start to emulate a lot of his bad behaviour but! it's ok i know what's bad to do know and ive learnt from this experience and am moving forward.

where does forward lead? i dont know! probably jobless and suicide but hahaha! im not gonna make it past 25 baby! im gonna fall in love with someone then they'll leave forever and ill die!! After my mum gets sick of me!! hahhaha!!!!! im not unstable right now, i don't even wanna die! that'd be so selfish id break my parents! haha! i want someone to love me as much as i love them and to hold them in my arms! i wanna be comfortable with someone! i wanna be held! i want someone who won't cheat on me!! i wanna be loved!! woohooo!!! that's all i want! yknow what else i want? a friend group thats genuinely happy to see me! people i can eat lunch with and laugh with! people that don't make me feel small and pathetic! and why can't i have that? because im a piece of filth that doenst deserve any of it because ive done nothing to earn it! how the fuck do i do stuff! to talk! how do i not feel hopeless and small all the time? no matter what i fucking say im going to be yelled at for not being positive! fuck! fuck. fuck you.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity, I was wondering what your instinctual variants were? I don’t know if you’ve talked about this already but would you mind explaining a little about your experience as that iv? Maybe compared to other ENFPs or 6s you’ve seen?

There is so much contradictory information out there that I was confused for awhile, but I came to determine sp/so based on descriptions of 6 subtypes.

I had to look at “what I am actually LIKE” far more than what I “THINK I AM LIKE.” As in, think back to my life and see if I could pinpoint any examples of my behavior that fell in line with the so and sp 6 descriptions.

I am way more this:

Sp 6: Passion of fear manifests as insecurity, fear of not being protected.

Escape anxiety through seeking security and protection, and become dependent on others, not trusting themselves enough. Feel alone and incapable without outside support. (I hate to admit this, but I have a huge sense of anxiety whenever I think about inheriting my parents’ business and all their responsibilities. I have this deeply-rooted fear of “I cannot do this” … even though I am capable, reliable, frugal, and smart. All of those things flit from my mind and I feel like I need other people helping me. Last week, I had an actual meltdown where I became almost catatonic because I had spent too much time thinking one day that there’s no way I can live up to my super-extroverted, confident father’s ease of business sense. I had to talk my way through it, and accept that I am far different, and think about how to achieve the same results but in a way that suits my more introverted and withdrawn, even shy, personality.)

Perceive the world as dangerous, and seek alliances. Endeavor to be friendly, trustworthy and supportive as allies are supposed to be. Taboo on aggression that results from the needs of dependency weakens them in the face of aggression, and contributes to their insecurity and need for external support. (I cannot think of a single instance in my entire life when I ever showed aggression in anything, even the times when it would have been beneficial for me to do so, but I can think of countless examples where other people verbally attacked me for some reason and I just stood there dumbfounded and unable to produce any kind of visceral rage with which to hit them back. I just listened, then, as a teen, went home and cried; now, I go home and withdraw from everyone.)

Want to feel the warm embrace of a family, in a protected place with no enemies. (I cannot stress enough how much this looks like 9 – I am exactly like my 9 friends in our need for a harmonious relationship; I cannot be around people who are angry, who stir up constant trouble, or seem to dislike me; and in the instances in which I am confronted by dislike or strong opinions, my literal first thought is “I want to go home, to the people who ‘get’ me and agree with me” because I feel safe there.)

Driving need is for friendship or warmth. Being warm is a way of getting people to be friendly and not angry. Warmest of the 6s. (Yep. A thousand times yep.)

Cannot let out their own aggression, and want to be good, ie. not angry. (This has baffled me for as long as I can remember. My anger flares up and then… dissipates in a very short amount of time. I never hold grudges. I never tell people off, unless I am very close to them, and even then I’m not mad for more than a few minutes. ONE TIME I lost my temper in front of two people, and I instantly felt bad about it. I have gone through some crap in my life, and never lost my temper; if I get mad, I start berating myself for BEING angry!!)

A lot of hesitation, indecision and uncertainty. Too much tolerance for ambiguity, don’t want to decide between ‘black and white’ because they see a lot of grey, can have a difficult time making decisions. Ask many questions but don’t answer any. (Sadly. Yes.)

Than this:

So 6: “Duty” - concerned with what their duty is, knowing the rules, the points of reference, the guidelines, the “good guys and bad guys”. 

Represents a mixture of the phobic and counter-phobic expressions.

Cool, cold, precise (archetypically German/Prussian character).

Stronger, due to certainty. Becomes too sure in defense from insecurity. Can become a true believer or fanatic, who holds tightly to ideologies, lacking trust to oneself and trust to others. (I do lack self-trust, but I also have it – in MBTI, for example, I am always seeking to learn more, and sometimes doubt I have typed a character accurately; in those instances I will ask someone whose opinion I trust if my reasoning is sound. I “consult” with others to get their opinions and like a consensus.)

Deal with anxiety by relying on abstract reason or ideology as an impersonal frame of reference. Make sure of things through an obsessive reliance on reason and precision. (I feel safe if I use a “rational” approach which I guess fits into this category?)

Love of precision and intolerance of ambiguity. See things more in terms of ‘black and white’ than gray. (If I put this into the context of my faith, then yes, I am more a person who says, “If you want to identify as X, you should live according to the principles defined by X.” Just as an example, Christianity teaches unconditional forgiveness, so if I see someone professing to be a Christian who is also hanging on to bitterness and refusing to forgive others, I would feel tempted to point that out to them, because they are not living according to the principles they “claim” to possess. I rarely do it, however, because it’s too combative and I’m not comfortable with initiating conflict on that level. I am more inclined to disapprove from a distance and keep my mouth shut unless asked for advice on that issue. :P)

Fear disapproval from the authorities. “The Obedient 6”. Think that the way to be safe is to do the right thing, and the way to know the right thing is to have clear rules. (Mostly, I think this way in terms of my faith; I am less this way about rules in an organization or a group, and I would never impose those rules on anyone – I would fail at being the person in charge of a “home covenants” group where everyone had to keep their house up to a certain standard and abide by the rules, since I think forcing rules upon people sucks.)

Concerned with efficiency, have a legalistic character. (Um. Yes? Kind of? I don’t like to think of myself this way, but I have been called cold before.)

Can look like: 1 or 3.

Source.

Lots of sp, some soc but not enormously.

Many ENFPs seem to be sp-blind and/or have weak sp, which is why I don’t resemble most of them – I have no problem taking tons of “alone time” to work on my various projects rather than socialize, I have always saved money with the notion that I might need it later for my long-term survival, I am aware of my physical needs and make sure to cater to them with regular mealtimes and sleeping schedules. I am very good with money and always have been frugal.

I do value soc but am hesitant to use it as a resource, and it’s hard for me to socialize or approach strangers to get to know them. I am an initiator with those I already know or have been introduced to, but more of a loner. Soc-doms tend to be more extroverted because they want to connect with you – I am never sure if I want to or not until I get to know you. I have to mentally prepare myself to go out and be with a group of people, and feel quickly drained by them and their chatter. When I first moved away from home, I really wanted to meet people and make friends but did not have the first clue as to “how.” I tried out a couple of groups where I soon discovered it was hard for me to approach people or initiate conversations. I do not project the soc-first “I am friendly, come and talk to me” aura. In one group, I realized my beliefs did not match up with theirs, so I walked away. I didn’t argue with them about it, I just knew there was no point and I’d rather be alone than in a group that seemed to agree with each other, but that I could not agree with myself. I figured, “Well, my loved ones agree with me, so they will have to do.”

I have an iffy relationship with the rules, also. When I was much younger, I had more strict views about behaviors and felt threatened when others disagreed with them – but as an adult, I am open to nuanced thinking and fall into being comfortable with uncertainty. I have super strong opinions, but rarely impose them on other people. I’m more able to be friends with people I disagree with now than when I was young – so fear of disagreement is something all 6s have to work through.

Probably my biggest clue about being sp/so came from my experiences in dating. Anytime the relationship appeared to grow more intrusive or serious, I would run away from it – it was threatening my sense of sp, and I lacked the soc-dom’s “social grace” of making a delicate break. I feel bad about that, but I think it’s a problem with sp-doms. They long to connect in a deep, meaningful way, but the minute anyone feels too “intruding” upon their time or resources or independence, they back away.

- ENFP Mod

[mayday-phanade]

ARAMAKI YOSHIHIKO 08/08/18 BLOG POST TRANSLATION - Looking Back on Tousute: Hiden Yui no Me no Hototogisu

VERY VERY ROUGH TL ;; MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD!

so many typos (?) and i took liberties with most… anyway we got a very relatable boy right here… the best mknb fic ive ever had the pleasure of reading.. from the man himself. we don’t deserve him.

Read under the cut! 

Tousute Hiden ended 10 days ago.

How is everyone doing?

I am currently doing Sengoku Night Blood’s rehearsals

And in other days I do a lot of other work too.

Two months

No, when you add the practice time

I did Tousute for three months

A few days after the final performance,

Somehow, there’s a suffocating, wrong, and murky feeling

I did the Nico Nico broadcast,

I was able to share even just a little of my own thoughts to everyone

That calmed [the wrong feelings] down.

Because Senbura Live has ended,

I thought I should write a looking-back blog post.

I have so many feelings over Tousute

So this might become a bit incoherent but,

Please pardon me.

And it will probably be long.

When you have the time, I would be happy if you could read it.

Then–

ーーーーーーーーーーーーーーー

Stage play Touken Ranbu Hiden Yui no Me no Hototogisu

Tousute Kyouden was two years ago.

From then

Kyouden Saien (replay)

Giden

Gaiden

Jyoden

Hiden

I have performed in them all.

I have always worked in all of the Tousute’s up until now Because I was allowed to appear.

Hiden is my 6th work [in the series].

If you count all of the performances together, a total of 178.

For a really long time, I have been in Tousute

It’s a really great honor.

By the time of Kyouden’s premiere

I have been decided to appear as Yamanbagiri Kunihiro

From there,

Mikazuki and Yamanbagiri’s story begun.

Hiroki-kun and I,

Since the rehearsals for Saien

This Tousute’s story, what kind of concept would it be

From Suemitsu-san I was allowed to hear just a little bit.

Eventually, Mikazuki and Yamanbagiri will fight.

When I heard that

“I want to do that scene already!!

But before I could do that scene, I had to do so much more first

First, I had to look ahead.

But I want to do it already!“

I had those fluttering thoughts.

I didn’t think that the ending

would turn out to be like that.

I was played. (or literally: he got me there.)

I was really surprised.

When I heard that Yamanbagiri would fight Mikazuki,

That Yamanbagiri would surpass Mikazuki,

Maybe it was a story that would show his growth

Is what I thought!

To think that he would lose.

And with a farewell, at that!!

Suemitsu-san really played [me] there.

If this ending has been planned from the very beginning of Tousute’s story,

I would like to take a look in Suemitsu-san’s head.

Just what is going on in there?

I had those thoughts while I was in rehearsals,

The real thing

The first performance in Meijiza Theater

From the stage where we practiced,

It’s a play that really exhausts your energy Is what I thought but

The amount of passion the audience has shown Further exceeded my expectations.

The people who saw it too, In such a fast pace,

Surprised,

then saddened,

I wonder if you were all tired after the performances?

I think that would be a given if you were to see something like Hiden

The citadel was attacked. Mikazuki cut Shokudaikiri down.

Our Master made an appearance.

Hasebe and Fudou came back

Mikazuki left the citadel

And lastly, Mikazuki and Yamanbagiri fought And it ends there.

I’m sure it was a story that no one saw coming.

A painful story.

Every after performance, I felt varying levels of tiredness.

One of the reasons why I felt absolutely knackered

Was because of the scene with Mikazuki.

The story’s ending,

The scene of parting with Mikazuki

I didn’t want to cry but my tears came out anyway.

Before me,

When I see the Mikazuki that is disappearing

A lot of memories will come up to me

No matter what, my tears will come up.

There were performances where I silently cried,

and performances where I was wailing and sobbing

I entrusted all of my emotions to that single moment.

A play.

No,

it was no longer just a play anymore.

I was really mourning.

In the first performance(s),

I was merely sad to be fighting Mikazuki,

But after repeatedly performing,

“I will definitely save you.”

Is what I was thinking,

while fighting and crying with my heart out.

I fought with those feelings,

Losing was saddening,

I was frustrated with my weak self

And after I bid farewell to Mikazuki,

It was also hard to part there*

I always cried in that place.

But I wasn’t allowed to cry,

so I cried backstage**

There,

The Touken Danshi and the staff will greet me,

They will pat my back and say,

“Thank you for your hard work.”

Although there was only Mikazuki, Yamanbagiri, and Kogarasumaru on stage,

We fought together in every performance,

And got better in every performance.

But you know,

I myself was waiting for Yamanbagiri’s awakened form.

Thank god…

When will Manba-chan awaken…

Not yet? Not yet? I was waiting impatiently.

It was in the end of all ends, huh.

And now is different from the past

Awakened in slow motion

I was really happy to be able to awaken in such a strong and impactful highlight

And,

To be honest, I seriously pulled up my muscles

Even in the scenes where I was normally moving,

Slowly, in the slow-motion, I used my muscles in using the sword

But during those times the slow-motion really shines through

That slow motion with awakened form,

I personally loved it.

And to the people who waited for Manba-chan’s awakened form too, I’ll be happy if you are satisfied.

With that Manba-chan who’s awakened, I won against Mikazuki.

A promise with Yamanbagiri,

Mikazuki in another loop of time.

Mikazuki Munechika who is trapped in the loop,

Just how many times have you repeated the same thing?

The same with the number of our performances?

No,

Even more?

This is only my thinking but,

Since the very first time,

Mikazuki himself is trying to change his fate and,

He might have resisted and struggled with different ones.

But

Whatever he does

No matter how much he struggles

It all seems to end the same way.

In the end, he has to become enemy to the Touken Danshi

But there is one hope found somewhere in that repeating loop

The sun that illuminates the moon.

Mikazuki said so in the performances,

susuketa taiyou. (“You’re quite the sooty sun.”)

I wonder if that was referring to Manba-chan.

That’s why in Kyouden

He tutored Manba-chan in that short time.

Inside the endless loop,

Over and over, making mistakes, amidst trials and errors

He guided Manba-chan.

To a one-on-one talk with Manba-chan, and a last farewell

Time and time again, over and over, he called for Manba-chan

He wished for a ray of sunlight.

That was probably what Mikazuki was thinking

While he suffered.

However.

The long number of performances has passed

And in the final performance,

Yamanbagiri managed to win against Mikazuki.

A divergence from the initial endings

This place too shows that Suemitsu-san is amazing.

Only,

In that final performance’s fighting scene,

I don’t remember much.

The fighting scene which was a one-off sword fight.

I wanted to show off carefully in the real thing.

But in that moment,

I lost myself in the feeling of my victory

When I came to notice, Mikazuki has already withdrawn his sword.

Together since the rehearsals

No, together since Kyouden

With Hiroki-kun, who I crossed swords with for several years

It may just be my one-sided belief

With one another,

I’ve learned to understand my partner’s breathing patterns too,

Because it was with Hiroki-kun who I’ve been through so much with,

From that, the final performance’s fighting scene was born.

That’s what I think.

I want to watch it in DVD soon.

That fighting scene.

The farewell with Mikazuki.

Mikazuki’s unbelievable fate.

The Manba-chan who has carried this burden.

Even Mikazuki is looking to the future.

Looking forward to that someday when Yamanbagiri can once again be reunited with Mikazuki.

Walking together towards Tousute’s citadel

For sure, someday.

To laugh together again with Mikazuki

For the day when that will arrive,

I’m wishing for it.

Truthfully,

For the time that the sun can illuminate the moon.

For the time that his existence can become a guiding light.

Yamanbagiri can smile then.

Will that day come, I wonder?

To appear in this production,

I,

On a crossroad, decided on my right knee’s ligament’s (ACL) surgery.

After the surgery, to not let my ligament rupture again

I paid utmost attention

I challenged the real thing

Supported by the staff and cast,

All 53 performances.

I was able to finish them all without injury.

But the fight with rehabilitation and weight training is not yet over.

In order to shine even more.

So I can give my fans much bigger dreams

I will devote myself to that.

Uguisumaru.

An elusive and philosophical person***

He loves Ookanehira too much.

Kogarasumaru.

Father.

Thank you for watching over everything.

Ookanehira.

Your upright heart encouraged us everyday.

Tsurumaru.

Day by day, with lies and surprises.

Someday, a moment will come when that will become reliable.

Kasen.

Fellow starter sword.

I’m glad I was able to fight with you in this show for so many times.

Shokudaikiri.

You’re good in cooking.

And good in singing too.

Fudou.

You’ve been kiwame’d.

You’ve gained a mantle.

You’ve grown, huh.

Hasebe.

A fellow comrade.

The Hasebe who has always silently supported Manba-chan and wished for his success.

Thank you.

Honebami.

We didn’t have much scenes together this time but

The scene where Honebami cried was a great scene too.

Daihannya.

Cool.

Really cool.

The figure who watched over Honebami was cool.

Nue.

Hototogisu.

You too, We are both fighting to protect our Masters.

Although we stand on different grounds,

You’re an excellent

Sword.

Mikazuki…

Because of you…****

Awakened Manba-chan.

The state of my repairs. Lol

Filling the trashcan up with ice water

In all the ends of performances,

I’d cool down my leg with this.

It’s very effective!

Then,

Thank you for reading up to this

I apologize for such a long and hasty writing.

The letters I received for these performances,

Presents,

Colored papers.

Thank you so much, everyone

I’ll gladly cherish and treasure all the presents

The letters and colored papers too

I’ll read them all carefully

It always brightens me up when I receive stuff from you guys

That energy

I wish I can return it to everyone

I’ll devote myself [to that] even more and more so,

From here on too

I’m looking forward to your support for Aramaki Yoshihiko.

Lastly.

From Kyouden

to Hiden’s story

Yamanbagiri Kunihiro has grown so much

I myself grew through this Tousute

Alongside Yamanbagiri Kunihiro I’m thinking I want to grow even more as him.

Through This participation in Stage play “Touken Ranbu”

I met Yamanbagiri Kunihiro

I’m really thankful.

The things that I could obtain from here Piece by piece

I’ve received the best and most important things in my life.

Thank you.

Touken Ranbu.

Touken Ranbu.

Someday,

Let’s start again.

Source: (x)

NOTES:

*円環 is literally a circle, or a ring.. but i translated it as The “loop” as implied in the play. 

** literally “the wing of the stage”, but to make the flow better i used “backstage”. the wing is the place where the actors exit from the stage, so like... almost backstage (lol) 

** ハケ not sure what this is meant to mean at all omg… i tried using “back” meaning backstage which would fit but idk man maybe he means entirely something else ;; it means brush as i recall but… was he brushing off his tears? i didnt think this could be used as a verb in that sense tho,, literally means like brush as in paintbrush or hairbrush? Sorry about this line!!

*** Not really sure if I read this right but it’s this 達観した物事の捉え方

**** Not sure how I wanted to translate it but it’s あんたのおかげで。。。if anyone is wondering hehe 

[heddo-pewpewpew-gudbye]

Hey can you talk about what it is like for you to be a core 4 and an ENTP? Cuz core 4s are said to be so protective of their emotions forming the basis for their significant identity, setting them aside from others I want to know how NeTi works with a 4 core.

Oh cool, my first ask!

I honestly don’t know how to answer this, but I’ll do my best. I guess I’ll just try to explain who I am (?) in the abstract and hope that’s good enough.

I mean, I’ve always typed as a lot of different things MBTI wise, but I figured out ENTP based on how my life has worked out in the big picture: when I was a kid, I was a really energetic kid, but I was always playing in an imaginative way, and loved to immerse myself in different worlds. As I grew up I became a lot more logical and withdrawn, and was quite the nerd, especially in middle school. Around the end of high school to now (middle of college) I’m starting to become a lot more social and getting good at it, and I kind of get the whole “ExTP being manipulative” thing (and perhaps more importantly I had started consciously caring what people thought of me to an extent that was probably unhealthy. I was flooded with a deep necessity to care about other people’s feelings/what others thought of me and I just didn’t know how to deal with it). Even though I’m not doing it with malicious intent, I’m beginning to instinctively understand how to act to get people to like me. Another thing that makes sense for me being an ENTP is the way I loop Ne-Fe and I definitely grip Si, I become super withdrawn and just watch sitcoms until I pass out. Personality Hacker has a diagram about your different functions and how you should use them based on their position and it really helped me realize I need to start using Ti in social situations and only use Fe with people I’m comfortable with or if I’m already using Ne and and Ti in a healthy way.

I really think the best way to type yourself is to look at how you’ve developed in the long term over the years. @confusedinfj has a good post about how kids of different main functions act, and I really do think that your main function shows up when you’re a toddler. Something else I’ve noticed is that you tend to consciously focus on your next developing function. When I was developing into my Ti stage I was really focused on reading and learning as much as I could. When I started to develop my Fe later on, I really focused on figuring out how to socialize and where I fit into the world, and as much as I hate to admit it what I did that people liked and didn’t like, having good hygiene and getting a good body, etc. It’s weird, but it seems to me that when you’re in a certain stage you start developing the next function by consciously focusing on it and eventually it just becomes a part of you (this is all anecdotal of course, so I suppose some people may disagree).

Now as for your actual question, I’m not sure how being a 4 fits into all of this, so I guess I’ll just list the reasons I felt like it makes sense. First and foremost, when I took the keys2cognition test my Fi was off the charts, and I found this really weird:

Furthermore, when I read the type description for INFP both on his website and 16 personalities, it did ring true in a weird way. Now, I know most people will say you shouldn’t trust the tests and I 100% agree, so I’m really just saying this to show my journey of figuring out what I think is my being a type 4.

Secondly, I took the RHETI enneagram test from the Enneagram Institute and got a type 4 much higher than other options:

What was crazy about this one was how it explained the way I act with people I get too close to down to a tee: I have a REALLY bad habit of idealizing people, getting really close to them, and then when I’m around them too long little things about them start to annoy the bejeezus out of me and I start to avoid them (I know it’s really shitty and I’ve been working on it). Also, isolation is how this type gets away from their problems and it’s definitely what I do.

The last thing that sort of helps the idea along is that I did some career services evaluations to determine what field I should go into and one of the tests I took was the Clifton Strengths assessment. You have to pay for it but it’s actually extremely helpful, at least in my experience; it basically tells you what your top strengths are. My number 1 strength was individualization: basically I can look st myself and others and determine what their good at, what their bad at, their aspirations, worst fears, etc. and this makes me really good at team building and such. It explained why I love self-discovery and MBTI and all this personality stuff despite most ENTPs probably not really caring.

I would say some miscellaneous reasons that I think I’m a type 4 have to do with how I understand Enneagram to work with MBTI: I think MBTI is how a person operates, and Enneagram is what DRIVES them, or is the “why” behind the “how” of MBTI. For me, I definitely seem to operate in an ENTP way, and when it comes down to functions an how they work together they seem to make sense for me. Besides this though, other ENTP stuff is very unlike me. For instance, I’m always trying to define myself, and take pride in my own originality; maybe less so trying to be unique, but more so trying to figure out who I am and separate myself from the rest of the pack and be the greatest version of myself so to speak. Another good example is how I play video games. Other ENTPs seem to enjoy video games for letting themselves take on different personas and try different things, and I do this to an EXTENT. The reality though is that I’m trying to figure out who I am the whole time, and I want to do this in order to be able to discover and define myself. For instance, I love Skyrim, but if I ever create a character who does things like murder innocent people, steals, etc. I have to design the character as some other person; when I create a character as myself, I have to follow my own moral code (even though it’s a damn video game) or else I feel icky. Actually, to be completely honest, I feel this way even if it’s just because my character isn’t what I would imagine I would be like in that world. I always feel gross when I’m playing and maybe I’ll try to use a sword and shield for a while but the whole time I’m just like “this ISNT ME” and it bothers me a lot. Idk I guess it always comes back to wanting to really discover who I am and trying to define myself so that I can discover what makes me special and use it to live my best life. It’s just like I have this constant subconscious drive to figure out who I am and be myself like doing so can allow me to overcome any obstacle.

I hope this is what you wanted, I kinda just took what you said loosely and ranted. Feel free to ask more questions (also I hope I’m doing this right since it’s my first ask 🙃). I know there’s Enneagram/MBTI purists out there that say only certain MBTI types can fit into certain Enneagrams, and perhaps they’re right too. I’m still on what I guess you could call my “journey of self-discovery” and what’s more important to me than being right is getting it right, so I’d love to hear anyone’s two cents on the subject.

[chi-----chi]

This is a post to no one bc idrk if anyone i used to talk to on tumblr or like anyone who follows me is still around but i just wanna share some shit bc this is my blog and i can🤷🏽‍♀️

I joined tumblr when i was like... 13 i think? It wasnt the first online thing i was super involved in. Before that I was on fanpop lol. Anyway, i really got into it bc it was a bunch of people involved in ‘geeky’ stuff and that wasnt normal in my small town. It made me feel really accepted and it was cool. I even made some cool friends (not a lot bc i feared talking to strangers lol) but it kinda fucked me up too?

Now im sure people have noticed and i really dont know if this is the case still cause i rlly only follow meme blogs but there eas a desire on this site to just be miserable during the first 3 years i was on here. Everybody wanted to be sad or offended by legitimately everything. It was fucked up but as a young kid (who had no business on this site honestly) this really influenced me. I felt that in order to fit in or just onderstand i kinda needed to be miserable?? I got myself into these deep depressed states and these awful mindsets because thats how the internet said i should be. I became withdrawn and I really think this mindset is really what triggered my social anxiety. (I kinda figured id get normal anxiety cause of genes but not social oof)

At first i had it in my head that i wasnt gonna talk to people bc i live in a small town and theyre ignorant and racist (my town is mostly half breeds and mexicans and i was an asshole). I kinda got this god complex??? Like somehow i was better bc i read a few posts on tumblr about new age issues. This hate kinda grew into fear tho. Like over the years instead of wondering what was wrong with people i started to wonder what was wrong with me? I started to fear anyone i saw laughing or even talking near me bc i assumed it was about me. I wouldnt talk to my friends if they were at a table with strangers bc i feared i would annoy them or they would dislike me. I sat alone during morning break my 9th grade year because i didnt want to disturb my friends at a table with like 2 strangers. I started thinking my friends hated me and even my family and... god i was alone and i didnt feel like this was right anymore?? Like at first i liked relating to all the edgy textposts and memes about hating others and being alone but it got to real.

I started getting breathing pains in 9th grade where i wouldnt be able to breath all the way in and i couldnt get enough air but ot faded. I got kinda good at talking to people again bit i was still scared. I would sit alone in most classes cause none of my friends had the same classes as me but that was cool because my safe haven was band first period and lunch and those two periods just really got me to kinda open up. I ended up becoming a section leader for band and thats a lotta strangers i gotta be in charge of but it was ok until my junior year. I started having the breathing pains again but it was different. I really couldnt get any air and it made me wanna faint. I ended up leaving in the middle of morning rehearsals one day and me and my mom went to the clinic. The dr examined my breathing and what not and determined that I had been having mini panic attacks. We finally got me started on some meds even tho my mom and dad werent sure but god they changed my life.

The rest of my junior year went well and me and my parents noticed a change right awwy. My fears feom before were just like poofed away. My senior year tho was the changer. I did so mich sit and had so much fun. I could just talk to people??? I could go up to someone and just talk to them??? I could call my own appointments or other lines. It was so new but at the same time i didnt even realise i was changing. I stopped getting on tumblr bc it was just bumming me out. I had this new perspective on life and god i was just so sick of being miserable and hating myself.

I love being me now. I love that i can talk and meet new people and go to new places withought fear. I feel so grounded and free to be me. Im not worried about impressing others or caring about if certain people will care what i posted or whatever. I was done worrying and hating and i was ready to be in the moment and be me for once in my life. I was finally feeling confident.

Im in college now and im happy. Im not afraid to stand up for myself anymore and im willing to ask questions in class. I can sit alone in my room for a day without me thinking im alone cause im hated. And i can get on tumblr again and look at funny poctures and reminisce in my old days of a fandom blogger and what not. It wasnt all bad, i made some really great friends and i may not talk to them but I remember them and I remember feeling acceptance from them which ment a lot to me back then. I also got just really informed on what was happening in the world and the issues within peoples lives and thats part of the reason i became and family and child sciences major.

Im happy about the person ive become and im ready for what else is to come. Thanks

[hellospunkiebrewster]

Flight Risk - Part VIII

Author’s note: Part VIII is here! I’m so behind on reading fics and getting back to you all with responses to all of your beautiful support even if I haven’t responded to you directly. I’ll get to it I promise. I also understand I’m woefully behind on prompts, that I promise to get caught up with once July comes around and I’m done with this and working on my first crossover (OMG seriously guys) for Camp NaNoWriMo! Catch up here if you’re just finding Flight Risk or if Tumblr decided it didn’t care about tagging you for previous parts.

Prologue - Part I - Part II - Part III - Part IV - Part V - Part VI - Part VII

Summary: Cordonia gets news of Riley’s statement and the continued fallout of Liam’s departure is a mess that perhaps even his return can’t clean up.

Perma-tags: @madaraism, @mfackenthal, @blackcatkita, @darley1101, @pbchoicesobsessed, @never-ending-choices, @flyawayblue56

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“Are you ready?”

She nods and fidgets with her hands. Her face is set, serious, and she takes a deep breath. Being this nervous was so unlike her and she almost felt like it was unbecoming of someone who was to become Queen.

She looks down at her hands in her lap and closes her eyes for a moment.

“Your story, your opinion, you deserve to be heard by the people of Cordonia.”

She nods again and her green eyes meet his and look around at the newsdesk around her. The lights, the cameras, the sheer number of people in the studio. It all started to close in around her. She supposed it didn’t matter if she was nervous visibly on camera, she would never be Queen now.

She’d always been told it was warm in television studios, under all the lights, but she didn’t know it would be stifling. The air is thick and hot as the lights shine down on her and the others at the desk. The thick layer of makeup they’d put on her for the cameras felt less like a part of her and more like a mask, threatening to slip off of her face under the blazing lights. She presses her lips together as the countdown begins to when they’d be live.

“4… 3…,” Madeleine’s red lips fix themselves into a tiny smile, only allowing her cheeks to perk up slightly. “2,” the producer mouths one then zero and steps back, to the side of the camera man.

“Good Afternoon, Cordonia. Today we have a very special guest to help us with deciphering the latest messages from King Liam, Countess Madeleine of Fydelia. We hope she can provide a unique perspective on what exactly occurred in the lead up to His Majesty’s coronation and subsequent engagement tour.”

“Your Grace, you were chosen by Prince Liam at the end of the social season before his Coronation. If we’re to believe His Majesty’s statements, this was all part of a plot against Lady Riley. What can you say to this?”

Madeleine takes a deep breath and squares up with the host. “At the time, I was unaware.” She pauses, gathering her thoughts. “Yes, the circumstances under which I was brought into the competition for Prince Liam’s hand were unusual. The royal family, the prince or princess’s own parents do not sponsor a suitor but there I was. It was suspicious from the beginning.”

“So you’re saying the King and Queen sponsored you themselves? Not your own family Duke Karlington and Duchess Krona?”

“Yes, my parents did not want to see me go through what I went through with the former Crown Prince again. My family opted out of sending a suitor at all. Not that they didn’t have faith in Liam, but that the competition in itself is quite rigorous and can be more damaging to one’s reputation than helpful.”

“But still you agreed to join it once again.”

“When Queen Regina came to me personally, she asked me where I saw myself. I told her on the throne. I know how that sounds, very manipulative and like I’m prepared to stab someone in the back.”

“It’s almost like something out of The Crown and The Flame,” the host laughs.

“I suppose so. But in reality, I only want what is best for Cordonia. I love this country so much. The lands, the ruby, and especially the people. After years of training in diplomacy, world politics, courtly etiquette, traditions, and customs, I thought I was best suited for the station of Queen next to Liam- His Majesty,” she quickly corrects herself. “I thought love could come later, or if it never did, that duty would supersede it. I hadn’t thought it possible that the king could be so irreversibly in love with someone else when Regina invited me to join the competition at Applewood.”

“Looking back on it all, being named Queen-to-be, the worldwide Engagement Tour, the subsequent cancellation of all those plans, do you regret anything?”

Her phone buzzes next to her on the desk, a message from Regina.

‘How could you.’

Madeleine glances down briefly and the message does little more than spur her on even more. She needed to set the record straight. She had done horrible things to the competition and to Lady Riley, but if she was going to come out of this unharmed and in a position to work on improving the country she so loved, she had to be honest.

“I should have not underestimated Lady Riley or even His Majesty. I thought I had it figured out on the Engagement Tour. They could carry out a secret relationship and be happy. I was blind to what was brewing right under my nose. King Liam’s love for Lady Riley outweighed anything I had to offer. You can teach her to be Queen and she’ll be a fantastic Queen, but you can’t teach him to love another-” Madeleine wants to continue, but is cut short by the host interrupting her.

“-Countess, I must apologize, but we have to cut this interview short. I do hope you’ll stick around as His Majesty has just released another statement and it features Lady Riley.”

Madeleine feels the blood fall from her face. She inhales deeply. She could do this, she could keep herself from completely losing it on live television.

“We’d love your reaction. And now, the statement and a quick break after which we’ll return to you with reactions from our analysts and if her schedule permits, Countess Madeleine.”

She was the master of the spin, she had to do this. Madeleine’s mind begins working over the possibilities in her mind. The gears spin and click into place as she feels her life shifting into the place it was meant to be all her life. If she could keep this together, perhaps she wasn’t meant to help Cordonia from the throne. Perhaps she was meant to be in politics. In parliament. The minister of the state department. The prime minister. Her red lips fix into a small smile as she nods to the host and the producer waiting beside the desk as the statement airs.

Madeleine flips her phone so the screen faces down into the desk.

—

"Lovely, inspiring. All the film people in the world if they had scoured the globe could not have found anyone so suited to the part."

-Sir Winston Churchill, on Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

--

“Scandal, it bears repeating, undermines monarchies, but rarely ends them.”

-David Cannadine, History in our Time

--

Regina paces the common room in the suite her and Constantine shared. Over the past days, Constantine had grown increasingly distant and withdrawn, only taking time to speak on his son’s departure when Bastien came with the daily report. He’d fallen from the calculated and intense king she’d known to a shell of a man, bitter and angry at the betrayal of his only sons. She’d presented him with the idea of calling his cousin sooner. To talk to him about bringing his eldest son on board. He was next in line of course. But time and time again, Constantine had refused. He insisted that it was his own blood that would continue the monarchy, not some cousin with Nevrakis ties.

“They’re related to traitors, ones I had to extinguish myself and if I had half a mind then I would’ve imprisoned the lot.” He told her over and over when she’d bring it up.

This state of limbo, however, was not healthy for the country. The people were lining up ready for their king to return and they were entirely swept up in the love story they were watching play out. Even despite all the optimism, they were still reeling from the attack on he palace; one of the journalists was still hospitalized. They needed the voice from the head of state. They needed a guiding hand. Liam, despite how well loved he was, couldn’t do that from a run down apartment in New York. If Madeleine hadn’t been so meddlesome and even advocating for Liam on his absence, Regina could’ve gotten her hastily engaged to the eldest son and insisted Constantine have the two of them crowned as soon as possible. Madeleine could’ve handled whatever rebellious and harsh Nevrakis spirit lay dormant in the next in line to the throne. This absent king situation had the potential to be a crisis.

Regina paces and decides to broach the subject with Constantine again.

“Constantine, Liam might be thinking of coming back, but when? The people need a king. And if he does return, what does that mean for us?”

He turns to her, his eyes narrow in anger, he had made it quite clear that the subject was closed for discussion.

“Do you want to be thrown out of the palace? Banished like some sort of criminals? Exiled from our home? That’s where this is going if we give Liam the chance.”

Constantine turned back to his book. If he was going to try and ignore her this time, she would continue talking and make it impossible to.

“Bring Roger to the palace. You know he’s waiting for the call.”

She moves beside his leather arm chair. “He’s severe but smart. They need a king. I understand you want it to be your own blood to continue the line but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards.”

“He could be crowned in a matter of a day. All this would end, and we would know where we stand.”

“Is that all you care about now? Where we stand? I never allow for someone with even a drop of Nevrakis blood to sit on the throne. They’re traitors, the lot of them. You can call Roger over my cold, dead body.”

Regina was taken aback at his harshness. Constantine rarely spoke to her like this, often turning to her as an equal in times like this. This was not the man she married. The illness had taken ahold of his soul and torn him apart, the departure of his son had broken him. She looks him over and thinks on her next plea.

“So that’s it then? We wait for Liam to come and throw us out, perhaps put us on trial?”

“What do I care, I’m dying anyway.”

“So you’re ready to just let Cordonia burn, the moment you die, you don’t care any longer.”

“I thought I had my legacy planned out, a son on the throne with a capable queen by his side. I thought I had orchestrated it perfectly. When Liam returns, it’s what is best for the country.”

“When?” Regina scoffs. “He’s taking his sweet time. If he’s so meant to be king, why isn’t he here with his people when they need him?”

—

Roger was tired of being toyed with. The press had been camped outside of his estate the moment they’d learned of Liam’s unofficial abdication. It was unconventional to say the least the way he left the country hanging. Then the attack happened and still the people were stuck, pining for a king who didn’t care. When Liam started releasing statements Roger forced himself to stay at his estate when what he wanted most of all was to barge into the palace and take what was rightfully his. He was the next in line after all.

Roger was an imposing man, tall and broad. His features were dark and severe. His hair was a deep walnut color. His eyes so brown they were nearly black. He had warm olive skin. Many compared him to Diavolos Nevrakis in his looks. He saw the resemblance in the portraits that hung around his old estate. They didn’t realize just how much he was the absolute opposite of him in his personality. He was bold like him yes, but he could be cruel and vengeful.

He bides his time at his estate until the whole thing reaches a fever pitch with Riley’s statement. He hears the tail end of it playing over the television in the servant’s quarters for the third time since it was released.

“King Liam’s father made it seem like he was supportive of his sons desires on the exterior. But behind the curtains he attempted to blackmail myself and other ladies of the court when it came time for Liam to choose. He involved members of the guard and others in his plot to keep Liam from following his heart. He’s destroyed many lives. I believe it’s no coincidence that some members have not returned to court after the scandal broke.

“I love your king and I love your country. I only wish you can see past my lack of experience and see to my qualifications. I want with every beat of my heart to help bring Cordonia past the recent tragedies of the attack on the palace and the natural disaster in Portavira.” Riley pauses and looks stoically at the camera, she might not have experience, but she was good.

“The people of Cordonia deserve an honest king for once. I think my husband has proven that he will stop at nothing to be open with his people. The people of Cordonia deserve a Queen who was more than born and bred for the role, but one who has the heart and compassion to change the country for the better.”

He could never allow a foreigner, a commoner, to take up the place of Queen. It was unspeakable.

It is at this moment that Roger decides he is done with this waiting game, he is going to the palace to take what is his.

—

“Liam and Riley are headed to the airport in New York. My agents report that they should be arriving late tomorrow morning,” Bastien reports to mainly Constantine and Regina and not to the third man in the room.

“Should I make sure there is a car there to collect them?” Bastien asks, exhausted but grateful this was finally starting to come to an end. With Liam returning, he could finally breathe and resume his normal duties instead of coordinating an entire department of secret espionage. Keeping track of Liam and Riley on another continent, seven hours ahead of theirs, while also heading up security at the palace was exhausting. He couldn’t remember if he’d slept last night or the night before.

“You and a couple members of the royal guard will be going there to collect him,” Roger says from his spot at the far end of the common room in Constantine and Regina’s suite. “You’ll bring him and his little wife back here, in cuffs.”

“I am not sure I follow Your Grace.” Bastien turns to Roger for the first time since arriving.

“A country cannot have two kings,” he says cooly. “Anyone who comes to this country claiming to be king is a traitor to the crown and will be treated as such. And tomorrow, it’ll behoove you to call me Your Majesty.”

“Yes sir.”

Bastien sighs. He hadn’t prepared for this, but Roger was exercising his right as the next in line to force himself to be crowned. Liam had been gone too long with no official explanation, it created a constitutional crisis to not have a monarch for this long. He’d miss the deadline by mere hours to return before his crown would be up for grabs by the next in line, Roger.

He should’ve seen it coming the moment Roger walked in and did everything in his power to keep him from taking up residence in the palace.

Rules were rules and now that Roger was here, there was little Bastien could do to stop it. It would take a vote from the parliament to stop it and they were never quick on anything. Bastien decides to reach out to Madeleine the moment he leaves this room to get her on the case, she had many connections and was better at talking to politicians than he was.

Bastien looks at Regina then Constantine. The former king appears to be livid, it was a face Bastien was familiar with, but after all the years serving in his guard he had seen it in only on rare occasions. When Liam’s mother was killed, the assassination attempt on Liam himself, and the coup attempt by the Nevrakis family so many years ago.

He’d been the one who received the orders to dispose of the Duke and Duchess of Lythikos once their involvement in the coup had been revealed.

“You are dismissed Bastien,” Constantine says.

Roger follows him from the room. When he clears his throat, Bastien turns to him. “Could you make sure the maids prepare the Royal Suite for me tomorrow.”

“My apologies Your Grace, but that isn’t part of my job description,” he says before turning on his heel and walking down the hall. The moment he turns the corner despite his exhaustion from being overworked and sleep deprived, he breaks into a run back to this office. There had to be a way to stop this.

[goyangii]

How much radfems do you personally know in Korea? What do people tell you when they know you're a radfem?

ok so like just first off i live in america? idk why ppl assume that asians don't...exist in other places like. yes my family is from korea, yes i am korean. but that doesn't make me Korean Authority 101 and fwiw i wouldn't want to live in korea for a multitude of reasons so i can't answer your question the way you probably want,, 

also ive gotten DMs from ppl with weird questions like this as if even if i lived in korea i'm somehow like, this mouthpiece for the culture or as if koreans are some alien species like? i already have to deal with ppl assuming i don't speak english, that i'm not from here, when i go outside fdssgdgds like idk how to impress upon you that it's super highkey annoying to get the online equivalent of ppl saying 'oh! ann yung horse say yo' to me at work, on my blog,,, pls if this is how u guys interact with poc online, don't do this offline. also koreans aren’t like what you see in kpop, kdramas, etc. i have encountered a weird and surprising amt of ppl operating on this assumption and i just. screams. koreans aren’t a monolith, korean culture is heavily patriarchal and this has an impact on the way misogyny is inflicted upon kr women but it’s the minutiae that’s distinct and unique, kr women face (generally) remarkably similar issues to jp women, sea women, white women, hispanic women, etc. such as male violence, restriction of reproductive rights, religiously motivated misogyny (fsr ppl don’t seem to know a lot of koreans, esp korean americans, are at least passively religious? i think they get this assumption bc a lot of cn aren’t, and ime a lot of jp aren’t), sexual assault/harassment, pay gaps, familial issues like second shift, etc. this isn’t to say koreans don’t have unique cultural issues — beauty culture is a big one ime — but rather that there are a lot more similarities than differences when it comes to misogyny across the world. addressing this intersectionally doesn’t mean othering woc or their cultures, imho, but rather recognizing the differences that do exist. idk if this makes sense..          

all that said i put my exp under the cut, i hope it helps! 

my exp is that most younger koreans, esp korean americans, i know are libfems if they are feminists (which isn't really common at all ime, at most it's younger women who buy into libfem beliefs but wouldn't go as far as calling themselves feminist. the ones who do are very much edgy art student socjus types and i've only met them on my college campus lol). i have never ever met any older korean feminist here, and older koreans (men and women) tend to be pretty regressive/conservative in general. i can't count how many times i've been told off, directly or indirectly, by older koreans for how i talk, dress, groom myself, not having a bf/husband, and so on. younger koreans aren't much better, even the 'woke' ones, just the verbage changes.

interacting w/ korean relatives living in or visiting SK, radical feminism is the feminism of choice there but it is not by any means a "normal". feminism, even libfem, is not looked upon highly and being openly feminist is not normal or 'cool' outside of western facing circles and even then you'll probably get backlash from other koreans (usually men) for it. when i talk with my korean friends, fob or koream, about women's issues a lot of the time they might agree on certain things or join in on the ‘men suck!!1!!1′ venting, but once the topic veers towards feminism they're usually pretty withdrawn on it. i think it's interesting that doesn't seem to really change.

the only woman i know who is even vaguely feminist or accepting of me being feminist, let alone a radfem, is my mom surprisingly. maybe bc she's from busan lol. but she's very much unusual for a korean woman and while not feminist let alone radfem, refuses to date or marry men ever again (so ig she's an unintentional separatist queen? ..i'm joking gsdgds) and agrees with me on a lot, but not all, feminist topics like abortion and reproductive rights, women's rights in the workplace, domestic violence (which she/we were victims of, so ofc), etc. even lgb rights she's warmed up to quite a bit since i was a teen. but she is literally the only one, even my halmoni and aunties — who had abusive relationships with men! — think/thought feminism was unnecessary or even useless, despite being strong women in their own right.

what is interesting imo is that trans issues are a little complicated in sk. there are notable trans celebrities, but i’ve only known them to be hsts mtfs. when i came out as a tif, the logical conclusion was i was a super butch who was so gay i wanted to be a man to be ‘normal’ (i mean...not wrong in a way?) and this is the general perception a lot of koreans have of trans ppl. and while most are probably going to be polite about it, i don’t know any koreans, even younger ones, who are super pro trans rights or anything. i’ve met only one korean trans person who was a transbian mtf, but dozens of white trans ppl. that said i do find it interesting koreans seem to at least turn a blind eye to hsts mtfs but there’s still a lot of bristling about homosexuality. again this isn’t that dissimilar to how it is with other cultures, i guess, but it is interesting. 

last disclaimer that this is my exp and maybe other koreans have different experiences? feminist movements seem to be particularly strong in unis/college campuses and ive never been to a korean college/uni. maybe there is a stronger radfem presence there? but the only big radfem groups i know of operate mostly online (like WOMAD), much like in the west. imo radfem is just too radical to really make it mainstream, regardless of the culture. 

this ended up super long sorry 😩

[imissyoulilgucciv]

So this has become more of a journal/grief thing which is interesting because I’ve also had a blogger but set to private since like 13 so thats intense and I have thousands of compulsive letters to no one, but my head just doesn’t seem to sort itself out, unless I can actually slow down enough, like right here. 

Today, 

Woke up 2 hours earlier than usual so I could have 1.5 hours more to instal my art, the word art makes me uncomfortable which is funny to me, so I went to install my thing but there was an accident so instead I got there with 30 mins, I got most of it done but not all, didn’t matter it was an inprogress crit and I could enough up to see. I always have so much in my head and I also used text this time which I thought was also funny because when talked about they called it poetry and I just didn’t even look at it like that 

I feel like this is the first project I didn’t stress over at all, but also had a lot of time to do it and no pressure from the teacher with harsh deadlines or anything so that was part of it, the other part is being in such a place of discomfort and shock that I have to be slow and I don’t have it in me to add any more chaos to the grief I’m feeling. So for me that is actually one benefit of this, its just saying fuck it to a lot of things, but in good ways. 

 my teacher cried during my crit which made me feel just great, and then I didn’t get a parking ticket but I should have, so I was excited and left but then went back to remove my shit and photo and then I went to get my car and bring it closer for the camera (long story) but I drove my car back in a slightly different spot and then still got a ticket because  the chalk was still on my wheels even though I was gone for at least an hour and a half. but whatever theres like 4 hours worth of “work”, not my biggest worries though. 

Then I busted my phone, my thoughts were oh well now I have an excuse for not wanting to respond to this persons text about hanging out.  

so i go get my old phone to see if I should still use that one, and ofcorse doing this leads me to 1 years worth of messages with gus. The struggle is real, I can’t even cry because this is so overwhelming, I knew it was always hard, and I was different this time around because I Was pushing back, but like you just see the back and forward nature and gus is like “im done” this is too much for me and then the next day or same day its like hopeful for the future we have and even one that was a super cute photo of like flower people (to me it was super sexual but he didn’tn notice this until I pointed it out then we joked  about being watered) but he said he wouldn’t worry any more and that he was sure no matter where we ended up we’d do something good or something like that, something that could make a small difference or whatever and that is heartbreaking, then you know the next day all over again fast and furious and I imagine how exhausting that was for gus, it’s overwhelming and I Feel in my state of greif I can understand BUT from the point of view that I have a reason to feel these ways which is much easier than to have a seemingly perfect life, beautiful face, no visible problems and people think stop whining or whatever and you feel crazy as shit because nothing feels right but nothing is wrong except you. Thats not a good feeling. Thats the invisible wheel chair. I just wish I had done so many different things, and said so many different things, I started joining in on the upset because I Wasn’t going to do that this time, I was being hurt to so lots of fuck you’s and I love yous and its fucking nuts, its all nuts, and this was the last time... I had no idea what I was in for. I could have done better but I was too involved, and also blinded by optimism. you don’t know whats in someones head and I forgot while gus was honest, he also had a way of only discolosing certain info, I thought he didn’t do that with me but in reality I can see now he did, just like he picked and chose what to tell his therapist about me, so that my image was protected. Gus was odd in that way, to protect my image because of how he felt, and its not that he was protecting his image to me, but I know he did want us to work out and he was giving me his best sides, and I loved those sides, and to think I got all the good, and yet still by the day, maybe week, maybe once a month you name it we would have really confusing fights where he would insit on withdrawing and I should have let him, I should have understood it was TOO much like he said I mean I thought I felt it was too much too, but like then it comes down to the I dont want to live without you 

and he realizes he can’t live with me 

and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me or his mom, and he realizes he could actually really hurt either one of us when he’s not making any sense 

and its exhausting back and forth, one week feels like a fucking month, and I think his whole teen/adult life was like that, it was super condensed and super fast. He did travel, he did live in a commune for a period, dual citizenship, went through a good amount of personality growth and interests, and the last being one that I respect a lot, permaculture, and then the things that stayed the same with him like the inside jokes and the laughing, his clenliness and interest in some rap with the perfect lyrics and same taste in music, so loving, so embracing. 

I can’t read these and think its over, I still open the door to his room when I get home and I think Hey Gus I’m back!! and I want to tackle him and give him all the hugs and kisses. The thing is we never had that though, I mean I never came home here, this was never my home, always a place I felt welcome but I didn’t live here, and I didn’t come here like every day nor usually when I was done with school, there would be times wher eI’d come but he would greet me at the front door, so this coming into the room and him being there is a fantasy I’ve created, Its the one where I think god like why couldn’t this be how it was, why couldn’t we have been this ideal happy family.. why did you have to leave, and why did I go so hard on you, and I know it wasn’ my choice but I really I’m so stubborn I can’t get over it I can’t forgive myself, I can’t thin it couldn’t have been different because it could have, and it wasn’t and I was part of that circle. I failed in ways I wasn’t aware of but I still feel accountable. 

So now to complete my overwhelming day, 

to see the medium perform ! Gus I hope you come, Ive been talking outloud to him, it comforts me, I think now Im going to be crazy lady , the one that doesn’t talk to cats but talks to the deceased bf. 

Its a disaster. I can’t be the same. I feel so wrong, but also free in all my wrongness because I can say piss off, I’m still working on  my piss of people pleasing skills because it just happens, I get nervous, then adrenaline that allows me to perform instead of being myself, or how I Feel. instead I can only use words and when my expression doesn’t match people don’t take me seriously, how can I blame them ?

I just miss you, 

I have a bracelet from the women in my group, she said she thought of me, that means so much to me, it says “my story isn’t over yet” super cliche but the intention and the person behind it just makes me cry because we share the worst thing imaginable. Blessed. although I’m not sure how to ever wear it because its a set size metal bangle type which never fit my wrists. 

I feel pretty nuts when I write like this, but I’d rather be here than having real friends and feeling like im going to have a melt down. I can’t cry right now even after reading those texts, I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused and upset but its numbing today. 

I do think gus was Bipolar which was what he said the first time around, he had actually been diagnosed, but that fell through, which I partically wonder if that was my influence on him and unfortunately I think between me and drug counceling he was oppossed to understanding the benefit of medication/or even necessity, and also the benefits of being diagnosed so proper treatment can at least be attempted, even though, unfortunately, the books just don’t always work. Like the book of parenting, or relationships because  I Was all wrong, and I have to think from the side of being with someone mentally ill, while I knwo I can’t be treated like crap, most of the time gus wasn’t treating me poorly other than making me hurt by the break ups and while I knew sometimes it was him being withdrawn and worried about how I felt, or being paranoid and we’d be okay sometimes it wasn’t that easy and my emotions would also take over so I’d believe him entirely and I’d be very hurt because it would always be very sudden. if only wed gotten help sooner, but I think again this time he was actually doing everything by the “book” all at once, he was invested in his interests, he was working out, he had a routine, a loving girlfriend, he was sober, seeking help.. 

and then he looses his shit with me and we think okay moving therapy up 

then he looses his shit with his mom 

then he’s gone 

it doesn’t feel good when you’re doing all the “right” things, thats why I said he wasn’t patient, you expect results, tired of hurting people and tired of feeling hurt, overwhelmed and the fucking pyshcotic voices convincing you of things that make no sense and go against what is actually true, the ones that tell you we’d be better off without you. the ones that told you I was lying or only using you, or whatever

IT wasn’t fair for you or us, and this is the price for all of it. We’d do anything to have you back. I still would have rather been taken out first, but that isn’t what happened. I need your mom to have something from you, I have my dreams but she is sinking and needs to hear something, what is “real” doesn’t matter because to me, whats there is real, just like your delusions, they were real. 

[justanotherangryartist-blog]

Everything wrong with me.

hold on to your seats folks, this is gonna be a hell of a list.

disclaimer: I don't promote self hate, I'm merely trying to come to terms with my own issues. if you feel anything like I do, I suggest you seek out professional help, tell your loved ones and hold on. they say it gets better and for your sake I hope it does. be strong everyone.

......

so lets get right into it shall we

ill start by saying these are both mental and physical flaws I have that have dragged me down and I feel that if I say them out loud, or even type them, it'll hopefully hit home cuz lord knows I need a right kick up the ass right now

1. I'm impatient.

let me clarify this, I know it seems pretty easy to get but bare with me. I mean impatient in both the normal sense that I hate things taking time and in the way that the worse my depression gets the more I want instantaneous results, I make fictional plans in my head with very precise deadlines and time frames in which to get certain tasks done. if they don't happen I get very upset even though these are fictional situations I am imagining. I also cant make myself do things in actual life if it falls out of what I call the “ideal time” which basically means if its not initiated or done all together within a certain time frame? its not getting done at all, like ever.

2. I have an addictive personality.

yeah, we all know this can be bad, even those of us with it but we somehow manage to full people into thinking we got it under control, that we are just passionate. which is total bollox and we know it. for example, I get addicted to people, which is a huge problem as I tend to put them on a pedestal and when they don't live up to this or do something bad or cruel, instead of getting mad then moving on, my whole world with crumble, because at the time, they would've been my world. it doesn't just end there. I never really let go.

3. I’ve got a gambling problem.

this is both in the lottery, scratch card and such kinda way and the more dangerous way of ill gamble with things such as people and relationships. I just had to delete the lottery app from my phone just before I started writing this post because I know how bad its getting, I wasted money that I should've been saving since I'm out of work on lottery games cuz the mere tiny chance that I could win money and make my situation better was worth it in my eyes. I even stole money from my ten year old brothers piggy bank when I had no money in my account to bet and I had to go to the shop to buy a lottery ticket. the worst part is I had no remorse or regret at the time. I also gamble with relationships I've had, pushing boundaries just to feel the high, flipping the metaphorical coin to see if I'm gonna get lucky or not and continuing to flip it till its all gone to ruin.

4. I eat away my pain.

I'm severely obese for my age and the only reason I can still move is because of my fondness of walking. I gorge on food to stop the thoughts in my head. the easiest way to explain it is when you're watching TV and eating crisps and you have to pause the TV cuz you cant hear it over the sound of the crunch of the crisps. its deafening. the more I eat, the less I hear the thoughts coursing through my mind telling me how much of a failure I am. the more weight I gain the more withdrawn I get, the less I change out of pyjamas because nothing fits, the less I wash or put on makeup or do anything because giving a shit means excepting what's happened and what people see.

5. I overshare.

not just my problems, but everything. infact I tend to warp my own problems somehow when I talk about them so they don't seem so bad and then I drown out my own concerns and others peoples lack of understanding by just chatting to fill the silence. people hate it. or atleast that's the vibe they give off. even my parents, always asking if I'm done yet or why I didn't use up all my words during the day. I just cant stop. the more people don't get what I'm trying to say (which is a lot cuz I never really know how to talk about my actual emotions) the more I talk rubbish. then theres times when I'm talking about something that makes me happy to the point of excess and I just get so mad because nobody understands that the only reason I'm doing so is this is the only way I know how to put emphasis on “ok this makes me happy, be happy that I'm happy, help replicate this feeling”. I hate that I'm like this.

6. I don't know how to tell people how I'm feeling.

I hide behind my sense of humour a lot because I just don't know how to explain why I feel the way I feel, like the world makes no sense why my emotions change so rapidly, why I'm scared to sleep in my on room anymore why I avoid talking about the future because I live minute to minute not knowing what the next hour brings but if you say these things people just get upset and say things like “are you taking your medication?” “why don't you just talk to someone?” “why don't you try x, y and z” when all I want is someone to sit there, understand me and be like “I get it, and here's what WE ARE going to do and then you will be better. it doesn't work like that though, so I don't say anything, because what's the point of voicing a problem if you don't have a solution right? then you just sound depressed and no one wants to hear that.

7. I lose faith in my own ability. a lot.

I normally like to think I'm a good artist, that I'm great at makeup, that I'm good with children, that I'm a good listener, that I'm a good writer, that I'm wise that I'm smart that I'm clever. I don't think that much anymore. see a seed of doubt was planted in my mind and my issue was I was the one that let it grow. I lost my mojo with my art because nowadays I do it in hopes I can sell my pieces online to pay something off, this fact then triggers a chain reaction that leads to me doubting its selling potential, that my works not good enough at all, that being commercial would kill my talent, that I have no talent at all, that all my works shit and then all I can think about is painting USED to make me feel good. now its tainted by thoughts about my lack of talent, my lack of commercial value, and the fact that a moment spent painting is a moment that that house isn't getting cleaned and the bills aren't getting paid.

8. I'm scared of everything.

everything these days sends me into a panic. noises, debts, responsibility, the way people look or talk to me, anything and everything. its like everything's new and horrible again, I'm having to re learn how to go outside my own house and how to talk on the phone because everything's so terrifying. noises upset me because they signify life going on around me at an alarming pace and I just cant calm down with everything so loud in my ear its deafening, cant you hear it? even now as I write this I find myself rocking on my seat as I try to calm myself down. my minds so loud that even turn my head feels like whiplash, like everything's to fast and the only way I know how to cure it is to shut it off to shut it all off. it cant touch me if I don't move. life cant find me if I'm sleeping.

9. I sleep too much.

sleep is putting it lightly. what I really mean is I shut down a lot. it works for computers right? have you tried turning it on and off again? how many times before it reboots, I silently wonder if ill ever reboot or if they'll have to take me in and get my parts replaced. I silently hope they do. I mean how many times have you taken a broken laptop or ipod in to discover its go a broken screen or keypad or memory and you're gonna have to fork out a lot of money to fix that single component only for another component to break a month later, how many times have you just bought a new laptop, secretly happy that you don't have to deal with the damaged one anymore. I sleep to fix my single component knowing full well my batteries gonna go out soon anyway. wont someone just buy a new one of me?

10. I'm a bitter person.

I should mention the importance of the present tense. I'm not becoming, I'm already here, but the thing is ive not always been bitter either. I used to be happy, bit fat, bit emotional but happy. I prided myself on the fact I could make people laugh and I would get upset at myself if someone thought I was anything less than happy, because then they weren't happy. now I don't give two shits. ive become bitter, angry, selfish and cold. id say all I care about is myself but I don't even care about me. I'm angry that the world continues on without me fully present, I hate the fact that I hate myself and that I don't look good, that I'm not healthy. I fear no one will love me or truly connect with me and so ive become a recluse to the point that even when I do go out I seldom have anything to really talk about except for how unhappy I am. I see very little hope on the horizon, the few moments I have are in my own head usually, which just adds to my bitterness for not being able to properly enjoy reality. every interaction I have is tainted with bitterness over trying to enjoy myself in the first place when there is so much wrong in my life. I hate who I have become.

IN SHORT.... I HATE MYSELF.

its kind of poetic that as I finished that sentence the sun came out and the warmth hit me right through the window. I find myself almost smiling, breathing evenly as I type, almost happy to get it off my chest. to admit that I hate myself? its actually a relief, because now I can try to work towards doing something about it. I'm not naïve enough to think this'll solve everything, I know there will be days where I continue to hate myself and try to self sabotage my own efforts to get better. I'm not stupid enough to tell you guys that I have a plan of action because as a person who lives for instruction, I can tell you I have no clue what I'm gonna do to get better, and I wont leave you (if anyone actually does read this) thinking that it gets better instantly. see what I mean about the bitterness? but I will say this, I am secure and resolute in the fact that I don't like who I am, I am resolute in the fact that I don't have an immediate solution, but this doesn't mean I wont try to find one. could take days, could take months, could go one direction then stop and turn back, it doesn't matter because in accepting that there's something wrong I have only one direction to go in.

May anyone else struggling with these issues find the strength to accept your flaws and begin your road to recovery, or atleast take the exit for recovery and maybe stop at a pitstop for a while before heading on down that route, I aint gonna judge. Ill see you there.

[better-every-minute]

Passive income

active income is bs and jobs are bs and if theres a system i can learn and use to my advantage, provided i dont fuck over other people, then fuck yea im going to learn it and use it. Ive known since i was a child that the idea of selling a third of ur life to survive is stupid and that i wanted to reach a point where the income that came from preestablished sources would overcome the amount of expenses for the same period of time. Aka, ‘escaping the rat race’ :/. my spite for the term and for the topic aside, i promised myself to start early, and like everything i should do and i make promises to myself about, im Still at square fucking 0. Today im gonna talk about that. Bc its a pain to handwrite about and i still havent established a better way to type stuff to myself online, so fuck it, this tumblr it is.

Im going to classify the types of passive income, or rather, its sources, into 2 categories: A) The kind that take large amounts of time, rather than money. This would account for stuff like content creation, where, materials/resources aside, it takes time and effort to create content and market it, but afterwards, it keeps generating passive income. B) The kind that takes large amounts of money, rather than time. This doesn’t mean you *spend* money to create. Unlike time, which cant be taken back, and can only be lost permanently, money can be withdrawn back. Not only that, but, its not so much that you spend money to make money, but rather that youre putting your money *on hold*, and generating an extra income at the cost of not having those funds immediately available on your person. These still require time to come into effect, in the sense that you are to wait for periods of time until you can recieve the bonus yields, but dont require you to spend (a lot of) time and effort into activating these sources of passive income. Instead, you’re required to have large sums of money to put down, as the yield is calculated as a percentage of those funds. Now guess what; Im fucking broke, i have no money to do B). But also, im terrible at making and marketing content, so A) is not super dandy-looking either. Still, I plan on doing some of both, somehow. I am realistic enough to understand i need active income, at least to get the ball rolling. Heck, just to survive even. But i do need a great source of initial income to 1) gtfo of here, and 2) Start making $ passively, and increasing that amount slowly. I plan on not really staying still, at least for the foreseeable future, so my sources, passive and active, must be things i can do remotely, as a digital nomad.

My active income plan mainly consists on getting some initial dependency job somehow, if possible, and meanwhile, to start taking freelancing jobs, be it data entry, translation, product testing(website/app) or whatever im deemed able to do. Eventually, this would allow me to just fly the fuck off and keep working and making enough money to not die. My strategy, predictably, will put a heavy emphasis on spending as little money as possible, extensively researching ways to make things cheaper or to get money back. That way the amount of funding that can be invested is larger. If i can leave this place and couch surf a bunch at friends’ houses all over, even better tbh. As for passive income, since active social media content creation is off the table, im mainly going to focus on the B) category, finding ways to make every penny i hold attract more of its kind, while making everything else cheaper along the way. For this, im relying on a couple things: - High yield FCIs or similar financial objects where the idea is to lend your money and get a little extra at the end of the time period. - Automated trading; both as in copytrading, but also on developing a stable strategy for unstable financial objects, and then simply scripting the strategy into code, so it’ll be performed 24/7. These strategies Must be always profitable, or else i risk losing everything to a stupid bot i coded myself. - Holding my funds (the more, uh, liquid kind) in staking accounts and other similar virtual that reward you for holding money through their platform. - Lastly, I do plan on building things if possible, and figuring some way to make it available but also making an income out of it. I’ve always wanted to make a couple android apps, maybe write some stupid ebook or whatever. Moreover, I’m sure with enough research i can find ways to code things up that automate stuff that make a little money on the side. Or at least code things that make my job easier during ‘active’ work. Automate website testing, Automate data entry, etc. We’ll see. Rn im looking into tutorials for python+selenium, and trying to learn how to use Binance’s API. The idea is to automate the trading strategy so i no longer have to manually do the same thing over and over, since it really only works if you can constantly do it, and thats a bot’s job, not a sleeping, eating, living human’s. The strategy itself is fairly straight forward. It relies on cryptocurrency and other assets’ high volatility. Because their value range is constantly moving up and down to no end, their prices might stay the same overnight, or even rise by the thousands, but within that same day the price might have risen and dropped by 10% before ending in the same place it began. The idea is to simply put buy and sell limit orders at 0.5% amounts away of the market price. When it drops .5%, it buys a certain amount. When it rises 1% from that point, it triggers the second order, and sells the amount it just bought. Conversely, if it rises first and drops later, it simply sells and buys the same amount, the only thing that changes is the extra profit will be in the secondary currency. Since the difference in the orders is in a 1% total price, that means that, excluding fees, the profit is 1% of whatever money you put down for both orders. That is to say, If you want to make 1 dolar, you need $200, and to place 100 to buy, and 100 to sell. So really, you’re making .5% of whatever amount you put down. With leverage tools though, I could expand this percentage, but for that i want to do proper, extensive research on how it works, let alone learn how to automate it too. The point is, because the price of certain assets varies *so much* and So *Often*, these things that make it worthless and unstable for most functions make it great for this type of trading. Note that i dont need to predict a spike or a surge or drop or anything like that. I predict nothing, all i expect, is that the price keeps ranging up and down the way it always does. And if it doesnt, say, if it only goes up and doesnt ever revisit the buy order, then i dont *lose* anything. All i have to do is cancel that order, and start again at the current price.There’d be a little loss between what i payed to buy last, and what i’ll pay to sell this time, but its unsubstantial compared to the amount of times it worked fine and the amount of money it made in its course. Nowadays, btw, 1% of a bitcoin is about ~$100. Assuming 2 bitcoins worth of funding, youd be making $100 every time both orders are fulfilled, which can be anywhere from once a week to multiple times a day. Exciting, right? If you have $200, then you’d be making $1. This also means that if you have 2 BTC, then every time the whole process gets completed, your profit per full movement increases by $1. Aint that cool. Rn I’m gonna research more on how to work the binance api, as well as learn more about supported crypto exchanges and staking wallets. See ya whenever.