#ive thought about this piece too much
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I love your artwork so much! Your colors are so vibrant and none of the white speckles in the paper ever shows, its so impressive and I really dig it! I was wondering if you use any sort of blending medium? Like baby oil or anything? Either way, I really enjoy looking at your artwork and I'm always excited to see whatever you'll make next
I use a colorless blender (prismacolor, which is wax-based so baby oil probably wouldnt work) but my scanner is also rly bad about picking up white specks in a way photographing the art with my phone isnt, so I usually have to do some digital editing to get rid of them as well.
I do this by duplicating the layer, setting the one on top to "darken," and using the mixer brush to blend out the white spots + just use the eyedropper tool to select the color of that area (needs to be a slightly lighter shade of it) and color over the white spots with the brush tool
i edited a small bit of the original scan to show what i mean
original:
with the edited layer:
heres how it looks set to normal instead of darken, I used both the mixing brush and regular brush just to demo it
#explanation is under the cut. post got a bit too long#u prob have to click the image for full resolution to rly see what i mean about the white specks showing up#i think its bc the scanner is meant to scan documents. so it picks up the white specks of paper very brightly#how much editing is done varies from piece to piece#ive thought abt listing 'digital art' as one of the mediums in tags for the more heavily edited art#where it looks significantly different than the physical drawing in front of me#but i feel like that might be confusing#art where i set out to do some mix of traditional and digital is tagged this way but im not rly sure where to draw the line tbh#the hunger wasnt edited in a way where it looks significantly different from the original (just a bit darker)#the scan is just dull and light bc my scanner is like that lol#so with editing that one i was mostly just trying to make it look like the physical drawing in front of me#u can tell by the 'layer 44' in the screenshot these take a lot of editing lmao#art help
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What do you think Odile does for a living? She feels teacher like to me. What do you think she would do post canon?
HMMMM THIS IS GOOD QUESTION…
ive seen a lot of people hc her as a teacher / professor so i!! think that suits her pretty well. specifically as someone who studies + specializes in different types of craft (that would be why shes so proficient in multiple craft spells. also how she was able to figure out the loops stuff, AND to find something that could prevent siffrin from looping back).
post canon i am not sure… i am always torn between how the party would handle things post canon. obviously they would keep travelling for a bit, odile alongside her family without the stress of. constant sadness encounters + a king to kill lol. i think maybe she would get to take her time, reeaally get to know vauguardian culture when not within. a crisis. as was her original intention.
eventually. EVENTUALLY. when the family settles down somewhere (i am a “they all get a big house together” believer lol) she would get back into craft stuff. maybe go back into teaching too—surely people would be eager to hire a saviour. especially though i think it would be neat of her to try looking into wish craft etc, as a long forgotten form of craft. to satisfy her own curiosity, for siffrins sake, or just as a way of preserving the countries culture in whatever ways possible.
#asks#ive never gotten to talk about this before#and its a little unrelated to the odile thoughts so im putting it in the tags#but. surely surely. there must be some group out there dedicated to looking into this. suddenly lost island#no one remembers the country ofc. i bet its hard to even think about. probably difficult to dedicate an entire project to#but you also have to imagine. the day the island disappeared. the effect without anyone realizing why#people from the island. vacationers or visiting family etc. going through some sudden spell of amnesia all at once#and their loved ones + family being equally confused#also the fact that? given bambouches (probable) proximity to the island. that many of these cases wouldve popped up there#what did people think was going on. at the time. did they assume it was a disease?? a curse?#and then forget about the entire ordeal a week later#anyway point is. someone mustve found that suspicious. theres gotta be at least one person#which to me means i find it very likely there could be research gone into it. esp esp since the party members knew about. Some island that#isnt there#anyway anyways im rambling way too much#i think odile should look into wish craft. i think siffrin would appreciate it#if not because. it was a piece of him that was Important#but also to impart the actual Dangers of it to. others#am i making sense i dont know#isat spoilers#anyways oops thats not about odile anymore#lol
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Tangentially related to some of the discussion i posted earlier but quiet literally the first RW Art Month i participated I did it completely on whim like, one day before it started. And I mostly did it because I hadn't drawn a ton of rain world and wanted to draw more. Fandom presence was a lot smaller than and I was one of a handful of artists who did the entire thing. Fast forward and I still do Art Month and I've gotten to work with VC directly. But it was quite literally something I decided to do completely on whim that set the ball rolling, and for something a lil more niche and certainly with a lot more dev/fandom art involvement than most. It's really random how and why you might get noticed more than usual, especially with the "toss it into the search and hope it pays out' mechanism of Socmed
#t.extpost#and im hardly the fanciest art month artist out there so it wasnt even about being a jaw droppingly talented artist or whatever#and while artmonth for rw is still given a huge focus its also a much much bigger thing now with a much bigger number of participants#which is cool! its awesome how many people i saw do most if not all of last art month! and VC is really good about not just repping the#most popular artists or fanciest pieces#but theres So Much More there now and while its great for finding artists its also impossible to get Everyone in there you know?#Although they absolutely try#And this is like. one of the most fanartist involved devs ive ever seen in terms of both celebrating the art their fans make and actively#bringing those fans in to contribute#and its /still/ hard to get going just because thats how Posting is#i used to be more of a hk artist which is both a huge fandom and riddled with stunning artists but theres So Many#and niche fandoms are niche so youre more likely to connect with people but less likely to see a ton of engagement regularly -#probably best example i have for that was being briefly fixated on patapon.#Its just messy to try and find the hack that sets you up#just have fun and jump around and make what you like#get a sense of feeling for your style and some people will stick around for that vs. strictly the subject matter#others will look up the thing you switched too and some wont engage#you cant really control it#so have fun and draw that thing you randomly thought about at 2 am that doesnt match your blog#draw for that forgotten rpg you liked when you were 15 or draw for the 70 player max steam game you played for this week#you never really know what will happen#but its not really worth worrying about what will happen either
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As someone with chronic and debilitating brain fog, hyper-empathy, intense anxiety and depression? I simply cannot express how much Harry Du Bois and Disco Elysium mean to me
#thoughts#personal#ive been thinking about Him for weeks#the game's depiction of his fragmented perception of the world makes me feel less alone#and the stats arguing with each other?#yeah that too#mental illness will do that to a person and it's hard to explain to people how much im compensating#it's nice to Be Seen by a piece of media#disco elysium
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am i going to single-handedly create a fandom about jay holt from the video game "as dusk falls"? i just fuckin might
#i Cant stop thinking about him. ive literally been dreaming about him. i Need to help him. please#hes just a fuckin kid!!! (18?? 19??) hes a TEEN and his family is FUCKED and its not his FAULT#none of this was his fault. he deserves so much fuckin BETTER#also i thought i didnt care about vanessa but then shes got dead brother trauma hi hello hiiiiii#and now jay does too#fuck my LIFE#ive never been one for self-inserts but actually me jay and vanessa hang out regularly in a tree house we built#we laugh and shoot the shit and talk about what losing our brothers have done/are doing to our psyche#as dusk falls#jay holt#vanessa dorland#new hyperfix u say ? this one will be brief hopefully. bc the game is fucking. unfinished. stupid ass cliffhanger ass bjtch ass#plus im rewriting canon so jay has a good young life. no timeskip for MEEE#maria is literally just rambling. hi#.txt#the only fic ive ever written/outlined was about alana bloom from nbc's hannibal & she Deserved a rewrite#but maybe i need to indulge in writing jay holt's better reality TOO#theres a quote. hang on. a quote from a beloved piece of media. why cant i recall what its from rn#but theyre talking about different timelines n shish and one of them says ''maybe this *is* your best reality'' and its SO sad. fuck#is it hannibal. i feel like its always hanniba#no but also i feel like its not???#its like ''this is your best life. youre not getting a better one''#what the eff is that. im gonna be stuck on this forever#EDIT: IT IS FROM FUCKING HANNIBAL. BUT ITS GODDAMN FREDRICK CHILTON OF ALL PEOPLE WHO SAYS IT#''The optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears this is true.#This is your best possible world Will. Not getting a better one''#fucking CHRIST chilton#lines that go HARD
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i did not carefuly saved every tgaa related material to look into in detial after finishing the games to open all the reddit posts to see poeple shitting on the games
#me yapping#tgaa spoilers#tgaa#also im finished now yay!!!!!!#in emotional limbo (crying kicking my legs rolling on the floor)#i feel like i was kicked in the guts because i HATE farewell endings#like i loved this but i hated it!!!!!!!#(mostly because my life is one big farewell ending looking at you living in another country from all of my family)#all homoeroticism aside i have a best friend who is like a sister to me (who is ironically a lawyer) who is also back home#like i GET what kazuma and ryuunosuke go through on some level#and i still wanna rip my heart out#ALSO call me dumb and pretencious but i think a lot of character development people feel the lack of is just very subtle#may i suggest........not western writing at all#like ive read complaints about ryuunosuke's resolve part and im kinda shocked?#i FELT what this man went through i know exactly what resolve he was talking about#not like this game cant have its failures i agree with some parts being stretched out and a bunch of other stuff#but you cant tell me this was NOT resolve!!!!!!#i will die on this hill tgaac are now my favourite games ever#susato is also SO good like i love maya to pieces but susato is such a breathe of fresh air because she is not just a comedic relief#she is so smart and capable and i LOVE that she is yamato nadeshiko but silly 😭#also again i cant say enough about shimono hiro shimono hiro i will love you forever thank you for being a naruhodou#i went from cringing at him at 13 to absolutely losing my mind over him being in aa at 24#one thign is. i think kazumas voice was kinda weird and too low and not at all like i imagined it#BUT sholmes is great iris is great i love them so much#kinda wanna go home again because of how ryuunosuke describes the baker street suits and the family#OH one other note is people complaining kazuma didnt get punished by the narrative?? can i argue?? like the man went through hell and back#before and during the trial emotionally and had to accept probably an even worse truth than he thought#like is that not punishment enough? he wasnt even that big of a dick#maybe its the difference of playing the og trilogy at 16 vs playing tgaac at 24 but i think the prosecutors in tgaa are super mild#and definitely working WITH you rather than against you (evne van zieks a lot of the time)
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Wild that anytime I post an update a lot of people read it and are even excited about it and have their own thoughts and reactions to it that I'll never know.
Comments are only the very tip of the iceberg with it. And I am Very grateful to commenters for letting me in on it. But in the same way that I'll be excited with my friends when a fic we love updates, it's likely that Other people enthuse with Their friends when my fic updates. And it's just so strange. An experience I'll never have access to.
Everyone's relationship with my fic is unique. So many different people with so many different circumstances and preferences... and the number of people that have told me that my fic is one of their favorites, some even saying it's their Favorite favorite... every single one of them have their own relationship with my writing.
It's just interesting to me. I think and think and think on my writing. I have my plans for basically the entire fic, the way I want it to end already thought out, all the major plot beats and the relationship progressions, All of that thought out. I love my writing so very much, but I'm on the inside looking out. This is my mechanical horse, and I'm in here laying out the groundwork and pulling levers and constructing limbs, puttering away making the horse move. Forever and always, my relationship with it will be more intimate than anyone's, and yet more clinical. Because I know it better than the back of my own hand, but I'll never have the experience of reading it fresh. Of reading it without knowing everything that's going to happen from now to the end and beyond. I won't have the thrill of the plot twists I have planned, the delight at seeing things progress, the horror at seeing things go wrong...
This is my mechanical horse, and I'm making it move.
I just always wonder what it must be like to see it from the outside. I hope to others that it's a pretty horse.
#speculation nation#itnl shit#didnt mean to write this much about the concept but i really am so...#jealous almost. id love to be able to read my fic as a reader.#because it's tailor made to my tastes Exactly.#and i know it's good writing. i surprise myself even sometimes with how good things end up.#it's never a doubt in my mind that i'll make things good. even the harder things . while bringing trepitation . i know i'll figure them out.#the relationship a fic writer has with their own fic is so... yeah. intimate. but still somehow emotionally removed.#but thats how it goes with any art piece i think#the creator sees all the bits and pieces that went into it. remembers the thoughts as they made it#they know their work better than Anyone Else. but they'll never be able to experience it like an outsider.#is my fic helping someone through a rough breakup? is it something someone rereads when theyre sad?#is it a fic that people stay up way too late reading? the fic that someone discovers and consumes all within a day?#that voracious love. ive experienced it many times with other fics. but i can never experience it with my own.#but in the end. that's okay. i will just continue to do as i wish with it. and maybe people will continue to like it.#it is my goal to make a fic that people will never forget. what that may mean differs depending on the person.#i want it to be the best fic it can be. and i will make it so with every brick i lay down.#puttering about for days and weeks and months. it's Most of what i think about. it's my impact on the world.#and it's sitting for 3 hours after work in the storage room writing until im shivering but Satisfied with a productive writing session#it's writing some of my most emotional scenes while sitting for an hour on the toilet#no one else knows what the toilet written scenes are. but I Do. such is my relationship with my fic.#(the focus in the Quiet Rooms cannot be underestimated. the bathroom is indeed one of the Quiet Rooms lol)#& man. ive rambled so much now. but i just love my fic so very much#i'll never be an ITNL reader. and that's okay. because i'm its writer. & that's a status that No One Else can boast.#even those people who state that it's their Favorite favorite cant rival the intimacy of my own relationship with it.#I Am Its Writer and that means so very much to me.#i... really do love my fic y'all
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i just rly like derek morgan
#bintalk#im not allowed to talk about things ive thought about too hard on this site because thats very vulnerable and horrifying#but im a dangerous combination of hormonal tired and very caffeinated and i keep getting very close#saving you all from the morgan think piece. just know i love himso so so so much and am always thinking about him#wait garciamaxxing
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google search how to talk about a character without feeling like a dumb stupid fucking idiot
#yknow i had a whole rant typed out in the tags about how im always second guessing myself about character interpretations#and how i believe im genuinely too fucking stupid for any fandom ever bc im probably misinterpreting so many things#which is why im a lot less vocal on here that id like to be bc i dont want to bother anyone with my dogshit takes#but like lets be real no one wants to read that and that whole train of thought was so unhelpful and whiny#also im probably having That One Day in The Week™ today so i should just chill the fuck out#<- for context a piece of me-lore here: i've come to dub this day my Viktor day#as in the day i have every week where i just feel so bad that id like to remove my ability to feel any emotions at all#ive had that thought a lot before i even got into his lore but then i read it and i felt so seen adkjfg#its just one day its not always on the same day and im fine for the rest of the week but yea thats besides the point#the point is... idk what the point is. smth smth i always feel like an outsider#even though i dont make much of an effort to put myself out there#bc there must be a good reason why ive always been an outsider right? like there must be something wrong with me <- i love cyclical thinkin#anyways deleting this later sry ill get over it
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MAJOR SPLATOON SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!!! <this is mostly a caution for my friend whos going thru splatoon rn lolz hi Bee if ur reading this
screenshotting this post w/out the url and im turning rbs off cuz i dont wanna start beef, but like. i have never seen a more stupid fucking opinion of rotm. are you fucking kidding me.
first of all, the conflict between inklings and octarians was one-sided in modern times. it was simply a suffering civilization trying to take revenge on on whom they believed to be their enemies, not even knowing that the war they had fought is long dead and the inklings that inhabit the surface would welcome them with open arms. because, let me get one thing very clear: all of the weird racism metaphors in octo expansion are literally just a result of poor translation with the original being nowhere NEAR as overt in how they portray octolings as a sort of "stand-in" for the struggles that poc face irl. obviously, theres some tension between the two species, but there was never a story thread about this conflict. ya feel?
(^THIS SECTION IS WORDED WEIRDLY AND ISNT ENTIRELY REFLECTIVE OF MY OPINIONS ABOUT THIS PORTION OF THE GAME CUZ IM SLEEPY!!!!)
second of all, are we forgetting the part where the splatlands WERE effected by the Flood? it literally flooded the entire land!!! but instead of this dividing the people who inhabited it, they came together and drained it. drained it into Alterna. which is WHY we see these different tribes lasting in modern day with Deep Cut, why we see inklings and octolings living side-by-side with zero tension, and yet recognition and celebration of each others differences. is that not beautifully poetic?
we even see the fact that octarians have integrated back on the surface with the technology being used, particularly the use of floating machines! theres even octarian language on the splatana stamper! all of this life that was breathed into the game is all around you and it takes so little effort to just look!
i just wanna make one thing clear: so far, ALL of splatoons hero modes have been caused by humanity, be it directly or indirectly. in splatoon 1 and 2, we see the long-term effects of octarians living underground for 100 years rear its head and lash out, trying to survive. conditions underground are harsh. why are they underground in the first place? they lost the great turf war. a fight for land due to the rising sea levels. which was LITERALLY CAUSED by a nation 12000 years ago dropping a bomb on Antarctica as an intimidation tactic, as well as general global warming reaching a tipping point after wwV.
octo expansion? a broken machine left behind by humanity goes insane in its loneliness and tries to perfect the new intelligent life after sitting and watching for so long. splatoon 3? the last mammal, in its grief, tries to regain what he has lost.
the entire franchise is about letting go of the past, living in the moment, and looking forward to the future. half the songs naming conventions are based around momentum. its now or never.
how can you not see how this game has built its world so beautifully? it just makes me sad to think about
people are entitled to their own opinions, and its fine if you didnt like splatoon 3's story. but why are you, in a game franchise that ends with the line "the times have changed. the world can never be as it was. moving forward... is the future" so stuck in what could have been?
#splatoon 3 spoilers#its not bald nogami(/ref)'s fault that you dont like rotm. cope and seethe#if this gets like too much attention im gonna delete this post tho bc like i said i dont wanna start beef#im sure this user is a lovely person and is just frustrated and didnt articulate their thoughts as nuanced as they are in their head#its just an opinion ive seen a lot about rotm#and as someone who holds rotm very dear to my heart; its really saddening#this isnt a response to this particular person; its a response to this general idea that we were 'robbed' of a different story#also a lot of the things mentioned in the post is literally just assuming shit based on this one piece of concept art lol#anyways. im done talking now
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Aitheaca: About Flash’s clothes, are they reflective? Is it made to look like gold (with gold embellishments) or is his jacket like actually gold (assuming it’s something similar to gold leaf but for fabric and lightweight)?
If his clothes are reflective, I think combat with him could be really fun, because he just causes blindness on the battlefield on sunny days. It’d also be fun with someone on the crew didn’t realize who they were talking to upon first meeting him because looking directly at him is hard. So, they don’t know the danger they’re in until it’s too late.
Also! What’s crew dynamic looking like? I saw you mentioned Spark was on the crew a while back, but just to confirm, who’s officially on the crew?
Out of all the Aitheaca designs, who’s your favorite?
Thank you so much for the questions!! I appreciate it a ton, it means an absolute lot that you're interested in my sillies :D
With Flash's jacket, hell yeah! I wasn't specifically going for a reflective surface, but I did want his jacket to appear as if it was weaved out of fibered gold (that Im assumin would be like gold leaf in texture), that is yes lightweight man's gotta be able to move fast... like a flash of light haHA-
When light reflects off it in certain ways it could absolutely be used like a flashbang to blind enemies during battle, I'm imagining AND YESSS the crew would have zero idea, like in the plot I have in my head so far, Tom, Sonja and Spark are the first ones to encounter Flash, they just see a shape of a man in the sunbeam ahead, too bright to tell who exactly it was. Initially they think it could be Jordan, but its actually Flash, who was tipped off to their location based on Tom's Mecha-Dianite quintessence (that still puts off a pretty strong signature despite the cloaking sigils Wag had given him). Like you mentioned, he's really hard to look at, because while he's standing in the sun he's not creating a shadow, he's reflecting it. And its in this time they don't notice him pull out his weapons and BANG
Mer and co. end up having to come in to come in to help them out-because they don't exactly have experience fighting someone who is wearing basically a mirror for a jacket in direct sunlight- wearing wearing some kine specialized obsidian sunglasses because yknow this is isn't their first rodeo with this yellow dipshit (Merina's not as affected as Will and Cass but she's gonna wear em anyway for the bit)

I think of the designs, probably either Merina, Cass and Ianite are my favorite! Ia because I just had a lot of fun designing her armor and coming up with a darker color palette costume design that wasn't just dark purple, and working with different armor styles to get the specific celestial warlord look I wanted her to have :D Cass was just a fun design to do overall because his aesthetics have been something I dont get to work with much, a very patchwork vintage kind of thing, which is supposed to be a callback to Inter Amorem et Timorem , a short screenplay I wrote for school where- aside from it being a Tom reference- he was named Cassell because his emotions were spoken through cassette tapes C: But Merina's design might just be my favorite, I am a sucker for nautical designs and trying to figure out what a coraldragon hybrid might look like compared to a typical merling was a ton of fun :D Also trying to work in the color palettes of the Watchers was how I landed on the blueish purple scheme, because initially she was going to be teal and orange to call back a little to Sonja across the multiverse
(I promise I also love William equally but too much of his design was me making jokes about Joel/Pix/Bdubs)
And the crew! Currently as I have it, the peeps that end up in Aitheaca are Jordan, Tom, Capsize, Sonja, Martha, Spark (Tucker I was thinking about including, but I'm not sure how to work him back in, but basically they would find him in a different SMP prior to this; where the reconciliation between him and Sonja starts) Its very interesting to have 3 different Sparklez variants in the same timeline, surely nothing could go wrong /hj, but the dynamic can best be defined as "a group of people who desperately just need to figure their shit out because damn they have not really had a proper chance to rest and feel safe doing so"
While Tom and Jordan had their reconciliation arc during Isles (source: just trust me m8), Capsize, while having gotten a hang on being undead is carrying a lot of resentment and unresolved issues she's not sure about because she can't clearly remember the entirety of (specifically towards Jordan) and Sonja kind of holding a little resentment towards Tom, but more importantly her decision to choose to stay Mianite's champion despite her post-S2 not being sure and owning that choice. no longer even after Tucker he drifts away (and then how that comes into play when Tucker rejoins them, basically the stuff I allude to in the mini animatic) its essentially Embersduo and Zombiecaptains but they have trouble getting along, not because they're sick of each other, but more like damn We all Went Through a Ton of Shit and we're not good at talking about it or working through it together,but goddammit we're still gonna try to get along. That being said I do think they have moments where they can be their silly shenanigan selves :D
Martha's her own ballgame, in the sense that she's very endgoal oriented in trying to problem solve, and her reaction to Aitheaca!Ianite is very drastic as well, it just must be really weird to see a basically evil version of your mother. She and Sonj aren't great friends, but her and Capsize have caught on pretty well, and she doesn't mind Jordan (Tom's iffy, but at least they can connect over being new gods in a way) Spark's just along for the ride, he was supposed to get back home to help out Dia, Mot and the Wizards but the portal fucked up lowkey :] He's not exactly overjoyed to be parading about the multiverse but he's fine with Martha, Sonj and Capsize so he mostly hangs around them. It'll be interesting that's for sure, but this is the main chunk of the post-series stuff I want to do so yeeeee
#I'm still kinda toying with the crew dynamics but this is what i got so far :D#mianite: the tales of aitheaca#mianite au#gkm ocs#worldbuilding#mianite#merina coraldragon#william oricho#cassell lomorem#lafakiwi talks#lafakiwi writes#that being said. writing a fic is currently out of the question for me i do not really have the motivation#if anything i'll probably dot out the plot like i did for SKoD onto a google doc in bullet points#and draw bits n pieces here and there when I get inspired#but theres also like. pre- the Crew's arrival that exists thats like AAAAAAAA#yeah ive thought too much about this then is normal#asks#licantropa#lafakiwi draws#(for the doodle)
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I really love loving things <3
#cherry thoughts#obvs ive been reblogging everyones art/fic and it just makes me sooooo happy seeing things be made and have heart put in them#like someone MADE that!!!! isnt that WONDERFUL??? isnt that AMAZING????#and seeing how everyone is so unique and talented in their own way(s)#like there truly is no such thing as 'bad' art. every piece is beautiful and i wanna appreciate them ALL SM#also applies to things i dont know about. love seeing art from a fandom im not in and going 'i dont go here but this is awesome'. FAV THING#like why is there so much love in the world??? how is everyone so full of talent and skill and passion????#it truly does make my day#like its not consuming content. its witnessing ART fr#...anyway#cheesy post is cheesy i know#but like. yah#i love being a lover#and i love seeing other ppl love things too <3#goodnight for now :)
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Throwing this into the wild because everything feels like too much right not and i've been rotting in bed for a month straight
#i'm legit not doing well#and i feel like i can't talk to anyone about it#because they're either part of the problem#i don't trust them enough to tell them every little bit of the problem#or are too fare removed from me and the problem#i've been telling bits and pieces to some friends#and somehow they either make it worse with what they say or i end up feeling ashamed over what i said anyway#and did#i feel like i have no more words to write or thoughts to think#i feel absolutely exhausted and i haven't been able to write anything in such a long while#not for school and not for myself#not even to journal#i have barely been able to read shit or to play or to sing#i dont have the energy anymore#i've made an appointment to the university's counselor but they were full until next month so im still waiting#ive felt like crying every day for the past month and ive never felt more lonely and weird and guilty and worthless#today i was walking on the street and i was thinking that i wish no one would see me because i was literally ashamed of my own fucking#existence#and ive realized i really really need some validation right now#but i havent been able to create anything so there's no validation#and i don't want to ask my friends for validation because it doesn't feel real. because i.d ask for it on the one hand#and on the other because they're my friends so of course they're gonna say nice things#i feel stuck#i feel so so stuck it's like a vicious cycle#ive been having a lot of nightmares too and i woke up crying and i keep crying and even my roommate has noticed im not doing well#and i.ve withdrawn from my friends again#i feel even guiltier when it comes to them because it feels like i only go talk to them when i have a problem or smth to say#and like im not there when they need me#but i.m really really tired of everyone elses problems#and as much as i wish theyd all leave me alone i also wish someone'd notice im not doing well and would idk. not let me deflect with jokes
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thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking some more . i think i hate my half-sister
#my brother is my half-brother too but idc about referring to him as such. my hatred towards him is much less personal than that#unlike what i feel for her!#for years and years ive wanted to be close with at least her . my brother has always been a piece of shit & ive known this since i was 4#but she was nice! but then my parents got divorced and she completely switched up on my mother . its just so disgusting#my mother has been nothing but kind to her. including during one of the hardest times in her life#and all our father did was emotionally abuse us why are you taking his side!!! you cunt!!!#oh god and the shit she says about my brothers ex wife. he nearly ruined that woman !!! why would you say any of that about her#because she attempted to show you kindness even after she left his ass? thats her horrible crime?#this is all like. such a sudden realization for me. ive always idolized her because she was a woman who was also raised by my father#but who isnt . like. permanently fucked up after that.#his approach to raising men is completely different so like i dont think i have even one shared experience with my brother#i really really thought we both shared the understanding that we can still love our father and acknowledge the fact that he is#god just like Like That in general!!! i dont fucking know!!!#this is all just this fucking post-divorce partisan warfare i though was above her. guess i was wrong#literally its just me and my real sister (my brothers daughter) (i am her aunt) (we are the same age and were raised together)#against the fucking world i guess . i hate ittt i hate it so bad you people are all stupid and horrible and i hope bydgoszcz explodes#i love this stupid piece of shit dysfunctional family. you are all evil#voidcore.txt
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Anyone else gay in here?
#oughhhh haunted by thoughts of pretty girl#pretty girl tag#like im so normal. shes amazing to talk to. i want to talk to her all the time. i cant get enough of her words#shes so funny and witty and charming#when i first met her she was a little shy and reserved but thats okay bc im shy too sometimes. but now shes just unfurled#and opened up and its dizzying. the more i learn about her the more i like her. shes clever and poised and silly and sophisticated#so many little quirks and nuances. theyre amazing. being her friend is just amazing. like i wish i could spend all my time around her#and its not just because im a little gone on her. i mean shes absolutely stunning but that doesnt matter#being her friend is so wonderful. like its so. so. so wonderful. every new little piece she shows me of herself... i just feel so honoured#im learning not one but two languages for her. like im an absolute wreck.#my dutch is laughably bad but its at least passable enough that I'll be able to practice it with her which i enjoy so much#shes fluent in french however and french is HARD. and im so many leagues behind in french compared to dutch#but being her friend has made me better. like im learning another language!#at first the dutch was hard but now its starting to come naturally. im hoping its the same for french.#i havent actually been making an honest effort in it bc ive been too focused on the language that so easy to learn its cheating#but i want her to like me. i want to show her: look! i learned these for you so we can talk in all these different ways#i learned them because i dont think i could ever get tired of hearing you speak#urgh. ive got it bad dont i.#i need to be put down. i need to be euthenised.
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oh jeez. so much broken glass. ill get the vacuum
bonus facts about this piece under the cut

ANYA: I gave her the nighttime screen because shes associated primarily with it. but in addition to that, I chose the nightscreen for her death being the brightest thing for her in the darkest time (why the moon is on hery) she takes power away from jimmy by making that choice. If you look in her eyes, you will see a bottle of pills. yeah. you get it. The glass shatter also represents her death

SWANSEA: first of all, I've grown up drawing nothing but twinks and furries. drawing swansea was the most fun ive ever had drawing something completely new. fat old man supremacy. okay, but i chose the sunset screen for swansea as he is a fading light. still bright, sticking around, but "on his way out." i added some pink to the water reflection to represent Daisuke and his influence on Swansea. Also there is a gun in his eyes. and the bullet hole glass. It's chaotic due to the nature of the wound (thanks jimbus) and for the fact i couldn't figure out how to do two bullet wounds.

DAISUKE (🎉): i picked the daylight screen for daisuke because of his bright personality. the clouds represent his doubt in being on the tulpar, but insistence on making the most of it. he has a slit on his brow and i hand it to you to decide which you like more. Either a scar from skateboarding that he tells people is from getting into a fight, or alternatively just something he does to be cool. he has an axe highlight in his eyes, in addition to the glass shatter being that of an axe hitting glass. chaotic, messy, but ensuring a mercy kill. thats why it's not clean at all.

Jimmy and Curly: Originally, jimmy was facing the viewer, and curly was also looking to the viewer. after an artistic fit of mania, i completely restructured him to turn his back on both the tulpar crew and the viewer. he looks to the viewer instead of curly, because he wants to be seen. even if he cannot face his actions (or us, the player.) I decided to put him in the blood ocean in curly's nightmares. jimmy displaces himself from a place of friendship to one belonging in nightmares. specifically for his treatment of curly. he invades curly's greatest fears as an unseen horror. i also realized curly would be looking to jimmy, as he never looks away from him in the game. gunshot glass shatter for jimmy too. its especially pretty because it was the best thing his ass could have done (i just thought it looked cool. no symbolism there)
stupid fun facts, to get references for jimmy i used vrchat.
bonus these as icons/wallpapers. use em with credit




#roadstostray#my art#mouthwashing game#mouthwashing#daisuke mouthwashing#daisuke#anya mouthwashing#anya#swansea mouthwashing#swansea#jimmy mouthwashing#jimmy#captain curly#curly mouthwashing#digital art#digital painting#wrong organ#please dear fucking hell dont let this die i spent literally a week on this
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