#ive ruined my own life

[dongiovannitriumphant]

yeah just got an email back from the department board of studies re: my situation, they dont give a shit and they will not accept me because they only look at my undergrad and my undergrad is not in the right area

thats it then. im fucked.

[skunkes]

[camzverse]

apologizing in advance for the person i will become when the next pjo show season comes out

[s0fter-sin]

i’ve been watching yannis marshall choreography for like 15 minutes and i’m back thinking about my dancer au

gaz suggests a pole dancing segment for the music video for price and ghost shuts it down hard, saying he doesn’t do pole. gaz calls him selfish, that he’s just saying no to spite him but ghost holds firm; not even listening to soap as he tries to reason with him and reach a compromise

soap gets to practice early like he always does, just to see ghost blasting another life by motionless in white and doing a flawless pole routine. he’s as mesmerised by him as he always is, such beautiful movements contrasted by the seemingly harsh music, and waits for him to break before teasing, “i thought you said you couldn’t do pole dancin’.”

ghost just wipes the sweat off his face with a towel. he knew he was there

he always knows when soap’s there

“i said i didn’t do pole; not that i couldn’t.”

“what’s stoppin’ you?” soap asks, genuine and innocently curious and it’s the only reason ghost doesn’t completely shut him down

“what ‘bout you?” he asks instead. “ever done pole?”

he shrugs and sets his bag down. “enough to get in a twirl or two. ‘sides, gaz’s better suited to that kinda delicate work.”

“now, that i know is bullshit,” ghost scoffs and soap tenses, expecting him to go off on another rant about his best mate (just like he waits through gaz going off on ghost) but- “i’ve seen your competition tapes; you’re plenty strong enough to work a pole.”

soap stares at him. “how have you-?”

“price,” he answers simply, throwing the towel on top of his gear and all but stalks towards him. “i like knowin’ who i’m working with; he sent me your breakdancin’ comps. if you can hold a three-fingered hollowback handstand, you can bend on a pole.”

soap sputters as ghost grips his tank top and yanks him over to the pole, setting his hands in place on the body-warmed metal; bracketing his body with his own. he guides his body through the motions; teaches him how to fall and catch himself in a spin, how to gracefully climb and hold his body in midair

soap laughs as he throws himself into a spin just to bend his legs over his head, twisting his body to latch onto the pole with knee and lean perfectly horizontal with his other leg splayed out; his arm thrown above his head

he tips his head back to catch ghost’s grin and almost drops himself as he jumps up to join him; artfully climbing above him and holding his whole weight on his hip as he flips down to look at him

soap’s breath catches at the scant distance between their faces; so close he can count the near invisible freckles on ghosts skin, his fair lashes and the deep flecks of gold in his dark eyes

ghost is just as entranced; his grin slowly fading as he looks into the light sparkling in soap’s eyes. he tips his head towards the mirrors lining the studio and they slowly turn to look at themselves; fitting perfectly together

“see?” he whispers. “we don’t look all that outta place, do we?”

“no,” soap whispers back. “we don’t.”

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

[zlebooks]

i hate stem so much like fuck u physics 😭

[g0thsoojin]

🦴

[alchemiclee]

I think doing shipping through and aroace lens makes things complicated but also interesting. I think one reason I don't enjoy straight ships as much is because it's very rare for people write/talk about them with a queerplatonic dynamic. straight romance is so "normalized" in society, it's hard to get any other dynamic out of those ships from other people in conversation or writing. it's mostly always romantic. (especially when "guys and girls can't be *just* friends" is extremely common and has ruined mamy of my own friendships) but I enjoy a handful of a straight ship with that dynamic. it's just way more rare to see talked about than gay ones from my observation. anyway point is, more queerplatonic type ships and stuff please! those aren't explored enough!

[life1tself]

i think the most frustrating thing is that i know whats wrong with me exactly and sometimes i am very aware of what im doing but for some reason i dont know how to stop it. i know the justifications for pushing people away (for example) are correct but it doesnt mean that i automatically can stop it. i feel like im just watching myself do things without control sometimes

[witherfide]

i think i’ve somewhat found peace in myself

i’ve never been one for self portraits because there was never much to look at, if you get what i mean

but uh

it seems things have changed

[vile-wizard]

I need to clean my room now. It is dire.

[badcountryofficial]

Nothing nothing nothing nothing NOTHING in this world is permanent. The joy won't last, but neither will the sorrow!! The grief will come and go in waves, will you flow with it or fight it? Will you feel it and move with it or will you fight it until you collapse and drown. Nothing nothing nothing is permanent. Your life truly is yours to change.

[steelycunt]

the worst thing about that giovannis room quote is the place in the book where it comes like. its all over by then. i mean yes its over before its even begun because of david as a person but. like it doesnt even come at the start when david is lying to himself and pretending to ignore the clock ticking on their situation and eating cherries. by the time and will you bring me home again / yes i'll bring you home again comes about its as good as done and so giovanni is as good as done his fate is sealed and david is halfway out the door promising to bring him home like. pages b4 that when giovanni loses his job he goes if you were not here this would be the end of giovanni. and LINES before he says it he's going i do not know what i would do if you left me. i do not think i would be able to live if i had to be alone again. and david knows he's gone! he's already in the process of leaving giovanni to be alone again! they're not even at the beginning of the end theyre practically in the middle of it! the end of them and the end of giovanni because they're one and the same! giovanni tells him that when david leaves he will not be able to live. and then he asks him if he will bring him home again to this room that david knows that he is going to leave (<- and in doing so he is going to bring about the end of giovanni. and the end of himself). girls giovanni is practically dead already. and knowing what he is going 2 do to him david goes. yes. ill bring you home again.

[waywardsalt]

i made this a few months ago for a discord and i figured i might as well share it here too

[salad-storm]

Smoking isn't cool

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Lack of conscious emotional control is a symptom of autism I think. so uh. yeah.

. . .

I would like to stop learning new things about myself that I do not have the money for