#ive never like. had this many friends before
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never enough, virgin!wonbin x reader
! endurance training, handjob, overstimulation, edging, slight dacryphilia
note : FINALLY something is done with the virgin wonbin thoughts ive been having for a week ..... 🙂↕️
"can i please at least be inside just once?"
"nope. not until you can hold it better."
"you always say that... i've done well the last time, when will it be enough?"
"it will never be enough. not until i say so."
wonbin lays back on his seat with a pout. he's glad the bus is mostly empty so no one can catch a glimpse of your conversation. you both sit at the far back of the bus, away from all the people going home at this hour. wonbin looks outside the window just to be met with the heavy droplets that pour outside, and he turns his head to look at you. he's still sulking, and the serious glare you throw at him makes his heart jump in his chest.
wonbin is your classmate. actually, he's more than that, but you like the "classmate" title, even though the boy doesn't think the same. he'd rather call your relationship "friends with benefits but he's the only one getting benefits". when at school, wonbin is all talk about how good he's in bed, he laughs at his male friends for being virgins at their age. he has the pretty face to make anyone believe his words, but little do they know he actually turns into a puddle when you get your hands on him. you wanted to see for yourself how good he is, he's handsome, and since he said he fucks well, why not? but when you dragged him behind the lockers, wonbin turned into a blushing mess, he didn't even know where to put his hands when you kissed him. he was moaning in your mouth in no time, so hard in his pants he felt like he could burst only from your lips that left his to pepper kisses on his jaw. he begged you not to tell anyone, so instead, you exposed you plan to him. he loses his virginity, and you get to fuck him and with him.
wonbin had no idea at first that fucking with him would mean hours of playing with his cock and nipples, jerking him off so slowly it would make his thighs tremble everytime your fingertips touched his skin. you asked him to keep the count, but he can't recall how many times you made him cum anymore. each time, he would be a shaky and whiny mess, he'd beg you to finally give him what he wants. you always promised it for next time, and thinking of the reward of being inside of you always made him harder than ever.
but now it's been weeks since you started to play with him. wonbin is over at your home almost everyday, and he's never getting his way. the way you would taunt him to reveal his little secret always made him comply and fall to his knees so you could stick your thumb in his mouth until he's drooling all over it.
the bus that's taking you and wonbin home finally reaches your stop, and you take the boy's hand to get down. to anyone, you would probably look like a cute couple walking back from school together. but the grip you have on wonbin's wrist and the tension he's feeling all over his body say otherwise. he can already feel the warmth painting his cheeks red and the anticipation building in his lower stomach. you both walk in silence until you reach your apartment. when the door opens, wonbin doesn't even wait for you, he gets inside and walk straight to you room. he wouldn't want to mess up his routine. you take your time, put down your jacket and bag before joining him.
wonbin sits on your bed with large puppy eyes, he's still upset at how harsh you were to him on the bus. he can't tell you how much it turns him on, or you'll have another reason to mess with his head, his secrets getting heavier each time you see each other. you walk to the bed and let your hand travels his face, from his jaw to his pretty lips, your fingers mess with his hair. you tug on his locks lightly to make his head fall back and give you a prettier view of his neck, his smooth skin almost perfect under your hungry lips. wonbin sighs heavily at the contact of your warm mouth, he grips the sheets in his hands, his legs rub together to get some frictions on his clothed dick.
you get away from his skin and push him down on the bed, his back gently hitting the blanket. wonbin knows what's next. his hands reach the hem of his shirt before taking it off, he then hurriedly opens his pants to get rid of any clothes that stops his cock from finally breathing. he doesn't care being naked in front of you anymore, he's used to your eyes burning his body when you look at him. wonbin takes a deep breath when he slides his underwear down, his already red and leaking dick hitting his stomach. you sit next to him and watch it twitch with anticipation, wonbin is almost moaning just from your warm presence next to him.
"are you ready?"
"if i do well, can i finally fuck you next time?"
"depends on how long you last today."
wonbin rests his head on the bed, his chest heaves with his sharp breaths. you let your fingers travel his faintly toned stomach and wonbin already squirm under your touch, shivers covering his whole body. your nails graze his skin down his thighs, his cock drips some more precum when you get so close to it. you could watch him for hours and drive him crazy, your hands massaging his inner thighs enough to have him cum untouched. with one finger, you draw slow circles on his lower stomach, going all the way up his length and rubbing his slit, his arousal quickly coating your finger. you lay next to wonbin and wrap your hand around his dick, your mouth finds one of his nipple and you suck eagerly on it.
the boy on your bed is already a moaning mess, his back arches on the sheets and his hips buck into your hand to get any kind of friction, but you stay completely still, only giving attention to his chest. your tongue twirls around his hardened pink bud, it makes wonbin cry out your name. he claws at the bed desperately for more, and after one more kiss on his chest, you sit up next to him again. you finally give attention to his cock that's calling for you, and stroke him at a dangerously slow pace. wonbin tries to steady his breath as much as he can, his eyes closed and concentrated on the pleasure you give him.
it doesn't take long to break him apart though. once you start paying more attention to his leaking tip, his hips jerk up constantly in your hand and you have to pin him down. the cries that come out of his throat are broken by your name rolling on his tongue over and over again. the way his thighs are shaking when you pick up the pace tell you everything you need to know. you give wonbin one more stroke before letting go of his dick. his knuckles turn white from how hard he's holding the covers under him, his cock twitches desperately. you rub your thumb on his slit and wonbin's back arches again on the bed.
"stop moving so much, that's how you get tired so fast."
"p-please.... give me m-more..."
"you will cum so fast thought."
"i won't i-i swear i won't please keep g-going..."
you want to believe wonbin's weak promise and you wrap your hand again around his length. you watch him close his eyes again and put all his willpower in stilling his hips for you. you give him lazy strokes again, your hand covered in the sticky precum that keeps rolling down his cock. you rest your other hand on his thigh and he jumps in your touch, his lips parting in a silent moan. for a while, only the wet sound of your palm around his dick and his heavy breathing can be heard in your room.
since you started your little training with wonbin, he never really got better, he would always cum awkwardly fast especially if you started teasing him. he lasted longer the last few times though, and you couldn't wait to have him inside of you and feel him filling your insides after a few thrusts. you loved watching him cry out your name each time he ended up fucking your fist, his hips desperately bucking up to meet your hand after you edged him for hours so he can finally gets the sweet release he's begging for.
every once in a while, you leave wonbin's cock to watch him from your place, you sit crossed legged on your bed and smile at the boy's desperation. his black hair stick to his forehead and his chest shines with a thin coat of sweat, his hands weakly rest next to him as he got tired from holding the sheets so tightly. beads of precum form on his slit and roll down his cock or drop on his lower stomach. it stains your bed, it makes your hand sticky and wet, and it gives shivers to wonbin each time you blow on his dick with a chuckle.
it's always when wonbin is the less ready that you start to jerk him off again, you barely listens to him as he speaks about his day so his mind would focus on anything but his throbbing cock. you grip his dick out of nowhere and hear his breath catch in his throat. his thoughts get lost in the pleasure, unable to form a single word but the desperate "please" that escapes his lips over and over again. you pout at his sensitivity and you tighten your grip around him, your palm very slowly making its way up and down.
"are you close already?"
"mmhh... p-please..."
"can you hold it a little longer? just a little."
"i'm n-not... not sure... it's s-so..."
"just a little more, i know you can do it."
wonbin hides his face in the sheets when you quicken your pace, his hips buck up again in your hand and you instantly let go of his cock. wonbin's head jerks up to look at you with a pleading whine, only for his head to drop back when you flatten your hand on his tip. his back arches and his hands find their way in his hair to push away the strands that cover his eyes. your palm rubs the sensitive head of his cock, wonbin's breath gets more erratic and louder. you give him a few pumps and check your phone that sat next to you on the bed. he's actually handling it well, probably the best he has done yet, but it's still not enough for you. you just want to make sure he could last when fucking you, you're just helping out! you feel wonbin's dick pulse in your hand and you stop all your movements again to squeeze it. his voice breaks into a high pitched cry, the tears that had been filling his eyes finally flowing down his cheeks. it's always been your favorite sight, he's such a wreck when you get your hands on him and he's never been more beautiful to you. you massage his thighs and from the way his cock throbs constantly, you can tell he's so close just a touch could make him burst.
"p-please... i'm gonna- i w-wanna cum please... i n-need to cum s-so bad..."
"hmm... you've done well... but it's not enough you know that."
when you start stroking him again, you see his head dig into the mattress and deep in the blanket, his fingers clawing at the sheets, his parted lips let every moan escape his throat. you can't tell if his cheeks glisten because of the sweat or because of his tears that roll down his face and down his neck.
"you know wonbin... i might just let you fuck me next time..."
"a-ah please... i-i'm cumming p-please i'm c-cumming..!"
you jerk him off faster and watch the ropes of hot and thick fluid hit your fingers and his tensed stomach, you make sure to grip his tip through his orgasm that has his thighs shaking. his hips stutters in your fist until he weakly shoots one last drop of cum on your hand. wonbin tries to get away from you and your teasing hand that keeps playing with his sensitive cock, he turns to the side and burry his whines in the sheets, he can't control the desperate thrusts of his hips until you finally let go of him. you check your phone again while wonbin catches his breath, he sniffles audibly when he finally sits up next to you. you look at his messed up face and push away gently a few strands of hair that stick to his forehead, your hand then resting on his cheek so you can wipe away his tears. wonbin looks at you with shining hopeful eyes that could make you melt.
"did i- did i do well? d-did i hold it long enough?"
"you know it's never enough to me... but you did well, i might actually let you inside me next time. you'll do well this time too, right?"
wonbin's cock weakly twitches at your words and the smile he gives you have you burning inside. maybe he could actually hold it when he fucks you. you couldn't wait.
im crazy wonbin is all ive been thinking about for the past few days im CRAZYYYYYY thank you cee for supporting me through the wonbin breakdown
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an unexpected consequence of not isolating urself and actually hanging out with friends is that people want to hang out with you all the time
#ive never like. had this many friends before#everyone wants to Do Things#and like. I do like doing things!!#But also I like my alone time. This is very new#im doing so many things!! im talking to so many people!! what the fuck!!!#dude last semester I could go like a entire week without talking to anyone besides saying thank you to the cashier#which isn't. Good per say#but like. hngfffhjjrjfk#i don't know what 2 do with myself lmao#I want to hang out with all of them but also I want to not#lilac post#two different people have asked to do things w/ me tonight and I'm like hnbvvvjj
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happy birthday care and paul
#my art#digital art#artists on tumblr#petscop#carrie mark#petscop care#belle leskowitz#petscop belle#lina leskowitz#petscop lina#i had to look up cars from the 90s and work off of like 1 picture of the back seat of a honda accord lol#but anyways happy birthday care and paul!!! this series means so much to me and im so happy that ive been able to share my-#-love of it to so many people. in my life and online#ive made it a tradition to rewatch petscop on halloween with a friend whos never seen it before#and each time i find more and more things to love about it#petscop is a growing organism. so theres more to love every time i come back to it :)
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#hi im j here 2 talk . saw this cow yday so i drew her and now u get 2 say hi#but omffgg my gd i dont know if any of u relate but i feel like my ability to socialize w others#specifically online and speciifically in interest-circles has gotten so much harder for no reason whatsoever#like im just becoming more self conscious ab how i portray myself and its so weird bc like . LIKEE I DONT KNOW like . ok#people r super njce . always super nice and reach out to me and talk w me or i reach out first and they respond and r soo sweet#and something happens in my brain where like . i feel like im suddenly like . inserting myself where i dont belong (not true) but why am i#the bus driver all of a sudden . in all of these situations . me when i just show up like hey#i think i j feel annoying >__< . and i dont want to bother other people but said people r literally never bothered ykwim like Will Reach Out#and im the one that pulls back but 4 no reason . i cant even think ab why i do that .why am i doing this 🧨#so many ppl i want to genuinely befriend in all of these spaces but im self sabotaging soo frwaking bad#literally rn thinking of some dms i left on read bc i panicked or mutuals ive talked w before who im nervous 2 be familiar w . hrmm#anyways . i kind of wish i had the ability 2 just talk to new people and not actually gaf ab the outcome#HELPP .. early tmblr or wcf or devart where u have thirty million friends 2 now where u r too scared 2 say hi to an almost friend .#me problem though . if not alr clear HEJAHHAAHA i think part of my reluctance also stems from the fact that i know i get this way#and so i dont want 2 rope someone else into that insecurity so i try to keep it at an arms length until i fix it#but i think i also know its a longer & more introspective thing to work on so i do need to just try anyways
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met a really cool queer stranger today that i thought was just so fucking neat i wanted to talk but if we were playing tennis they were, with the most gentle and earnest voice ive ever heard, shoving the tennis racket down my throat. every compliment or joke i made was turned away but in the sweetest way possible that made me sound like an absolute asshole lunatic. it was so scary.
#i tried so hard to be funny and nice but the way they replied to each thing i said made me feel like a scumbag LOL#ive never had that happen before. im very polite when i talk to strangers and i was being very polite then too!#i dont think they even saw it happening in realtime bc they were so calm and even keeled about it#but my god. still thinking about it. absolutely rattled me.#'ur so cool' 'oh its not the olympics. everyones cool. ur cool too' 'haha ur right yet ur still winning' 'hm. its not a competition.'#i was trying to make you laugh im sORRY i was being goofy when i said that i promise i did not say it straight#'you have so many cool tattoos' 'oh ive got a couple tattoo artist friends' 'oh thats so cool. maybe i could get a foot in the door'#like obviously as a joke but they replied gently 'you shouldnt seek friends out just to get something from them.'#NO I KNOW I KNOW IM SORRY IT HAPPENS TO ME CONSTANTLY I KNOW TRUST ME#i panicked and was like 'oh haha no i wasnt serious dont worry. im an artist so i know the feeling.' but i guess it came across as like#yknow. bc they just went 'hm.' and pulled out their phone#FUMBLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so embarrassed#the worst part was id been talking to someone in the back who makes familiar plushies and shed set a few out#so i was talking to them while i was trying to pull up her insta to look up more info about one of the familiars#bc it looked SO FUCKING COOL and i stood there saying that to my husband right in front of them after this legendary fumble#finally pulled up the insta post for it and. they own that one. its theirs. they dressed it like that. i was so fucking embarrassed skdjfks#i wanted to look at the pricetag bc i assumed it was there bc she HADNT sold it yet#god. legendarily embarrassed.
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falin dungeon meshi is wild to me cause i have like... her exact bodyshape when shes human and she has my ideal bodyshape (huge fuckoff dragon chimera)
#dungeon meshi#falin touden#i love her for real ive never wanted to cosplay before but her little outfit with her little hat.... i could get into it#if only i had some other friends who wanted to cosplay with me lol#but also lol i havent really seen many characters with my bodyshape.#big women with big shoulders and a bit of chib#chub** like.. we r so sexy yes??
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sympathy for the outcasts <3
#Ive been a social outcast for almost two years and I wish everyone dealing with it joy in life ✌️😔#dont punish yourself for the way other people act towards you#you can work on yourself. but dont try to hide your entire personality.#otherwise one day all the sorrow will come back like a wave of depression.#Ive had this#yes I had friends during that dark era buuuuut they treated me as if I'm worth nothing#social outcast era#neurodivergent#mental health#and all my other friends: they left me#I lost all. literally. ALL my friends in that one year 2021#I had like 6 or 7 close friends before covid but after the lockdown ALL friendships ended#and I developed a high ego and thought I need no one#I was happy to have no friends 🫥#zero friends.#around that time I developed some autistic traits in my personality :/#as an example-#I didnt know how to talk to my dog/animals/pets. it felt so uncomfortable I tried to avoid it#I avoided speaking in general#but that high ego inside me kinda prevented me from drifting into depression#at least#random mind#guys. dont think it was THAT bad. I still had family which supported me#thank god Im not like this anymore#I found many close friends now and I have people who appreciate me irl#and healthy friendships taught me how to be social again#hopefully that whole covid lockdown dark phase blah blah blah think will never return#life is beautiful#never say never#❣️
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it’s the 90s in my monkee universe where davy lost his mom young like he did irl and they are watching the land before time because, yknow it seemed like a cool newer movie and peter LOVES don bluth films so they happened to pick it up from a video store after it left theaters so they’re all at home on the couch snuggled up and then they get to the scene where the sharp tooth attacks and mike sees it coming and has a hand on davys arm immediately and sure enough theres a dying mother scene.
davy stiffens a bit but says he’s fine and so mike squeezes davys hand a bit but then eventually davy starts to sniffle and mikes like ��okay that’s it micky pause it.” and despite it having been so many years since his mom passed and him having been so young at the time, something still hits davy, especially seeing a kid in denial that his mom is going away because he just assumed she’d always be there!
but davy is determined to push past most of his babyish ways of the past so he keeps assuring mike (who is holding his face and looking into his eyes) that he’s fine between breaths. but mike is in full mumma mode because davy became his baby forever and always, and they turn the film back on and it’s all fine but mike holds davy extra tight and snuggles up to him throughout the rest of the watch and davy can’t help but push himself into mike and cling onto his shirt because mike is there for him and he does love him so much.
#the monkees#mike nesmith#davy jones#peter tork#micky dolenz#mumma mike#this is something i don’t know if ive ever actually typed out but i got randomly into the land before time a while ago and thought of this#davybaby#or… post davybaby i suppose?#in this they’re older cause it’s the 90s and after his father passed in 72 davy started regressing real hard#(mostly after one really lonely trip to england to help with his father)#(he had some panic attacks because suddenly he was thrust back into evrything he left and called mike in the middle of the night freaking#out because he felt all alone and mike promised he’d never#have davy go to england alone and that he’d stay with him next time)#so throughout a lot of the 70s davy is on and off baby mode pretty hard#and at some point in the 80s he decides to try to stop it and goes all stoic and NOT little#but mike is now so attached to his little one and davy… despite trying to act like he’s not… is so attached to mike#and mike wants davy to be able to do what he wants but is also conflicted because it’s definitely not good for davy to ignore his emotions#which the guys usually helped him process through regressing#they all figure it out don’t worry it’s just hard for davy but he’s got his friends. they’ve all got each other and they love each other so#so much#and davy gets so many snuggles and hugs and kisses don’t you worry#okay goodnight folks i’m sorry for the lil davy rants
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being homesick and changing as a person so much the place you grew up in isn't your home anymore is such a core part of ati and upon further inspection i think i was projecting a little
#like yea that is a very common basic thing that happens to a lot if not most adults#but also i think i get homesick a bit too easy#when i moved away from home i moved to the closest big city that's only an hour away and i was already deeply familiar with it#but i was so sad despite knowing i personally could never thrive in my hometown#i wanted to experience the big city but it was so scary and it still is and i miss the comforts of my hometown but it's not just me that#has changed#dont get me wrong i wouldnt move back bc i have hobbies and friends and a job and most likely a career in the city i live in#and this truly is a place i don't think i could ever move away from. unless it is to a neighboring city#it's so hard for me to imagine there are people who move not just across the country but a completely different country and they just. adap#i could never. i was visiting my hometown every week for like the first year i lived here#i eventually want to move to a bigger apartment and ive been looking at places already even tho i need to graduate before doing that#and i'm. getting homesick just thinking about moving to a different part of the city.#i like the area i live in. i like the cornerstore and the distance to the closest grocery stores and parks#i like how my grandma used to live in this area when she was around my age#i'm not good with change and i know it but there are several things about moving that make me miserable#like yeah obviously i will move out from my single bedroom apartment when i can and i'll be so happy and it'll be good for me#but despite having lived here for only a bit more than 4 years i'll miss this apartment. i have so many good memories from here and i'll#never be able to visit it again and have it feel the same#but that's the least sad thing imo. i dread being in a different area more lmao#but it's fine i know i'll adapt as long as i don't have to move to a different city ever again gfsahgak#idk ive had a long day and im feeling a bit melancholic#i'll sleep in tomorrow >:3c#leevi talks
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#just finished packing my suitcase for my flight tomorrow :(((#i dont :((( wanna go :((((((((((#idk its very mixed emotions bc on one hand i do miss my mom and my bed and my stuff#but i also have had the absolute time of my life this past month in london and im going to miss it so much#but i also know im going to enjoy myself in brazil too and im excited to spend time there and meet family ive never actually seen before#but that doesnt negate how much ill miss london and how incredible this city it. bc like it really is incredible. and i got to do SO much#while ive been here. even those smaller minitrips to dublin and edinburgh and staying in hostels for the first time#like that was so much fucking fun and i know i wont be able to do things like that in brazil#idk im exhausted and sad but also really happy and i am very much aware how lucky i am to be able to do this#and how special it is that i have family willing to help me and friends who were willing to host me and show me around#im just!!!! in my feelings!!!! and im having many feelings!!!!!!#but by this time tomorrow i should be on my plane heading home. then 2 days of rest before im back on another flight. i need. to SLEEP.#i hope you all are well!!!! kisses to all of you!!!!!!!!! please keep your fingers crossed that i dont miss my layover!!!!!!!!!#personal
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so uh the yearning paid off?
#had a crush on this one guy for i dont even know how many years and then went through the worst summer of my life#like genuinely surprised im still alive rn kind of summer and then he reaches out and tells me hes liked me the whole time too#and now i get to kiss him and compliment him and cuddle him and play with his hair like ive always wanted to huh what??????#and he compliments me so so much and hes so so gentle with me in a way ive never been handled before and it just feels like a fever dream#like im gonna wake up tomorrow and its all just a dream and we'll go back to just being friends#its so fucking awesome but like oh my god was i ever in the throes to get to this kind of euphoria#he said hes gonna cosplay geto for me for my birthday i am literally in love with this man
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date back on for sunday now. His friend is okay. thank god. And uhhh, yea now we're finally be fr about the "hey we met on a dating, lets be so fr about what our experience has been" uncharted territory besties. we're not at "so what are you looking for?" but i already essentially told him my approach is to just really try getting to know ppl i find interesting and letting a spark develop from there w/o pressure. kinda like in school where you consistently see people in casual settings. and he thought it was a good plan so uh. here we are.
#basically he's had no luck and only like 2 matches (excluding me i believe) and all those people just never responded to him#which must be so funny bc now theres like. me. where i have seen his id. know his govt name. address. dob. and vitals. like. crazy.#and he's seen mine too ofc. equality. and uh. sounds like he's never dated. never had any bug feelings for anyone despite wanting to fall i#love so bad. which is... interesting. i feel like he has liked ppl and not recognized that it's a crush. nit just wanting to be friends but#imma hold off on sharing that until further developments.#i basically told him that I've had a very different experience. not to like brag but like most women will have better luck on apps (also hi#profile kinda sucks. all 4 photos look like a different person. his like actual answers to prompts aren't bad. they're good. thats what mad#me think 'oh i think i could rlly get along w/ this dude' but he'd attract a very niche type of woman)#which i also. didn't fully say. bc time and place. it'll come up but not right now. but yea so i told him that like. ive gotten many matche#but a lotttt of it is super low quality. lot of wasted time. so like. yea. we all have a bad time on dating apps till someone sticks and we#dont. we basically have both admitted to having idealized people in the past and getting the ick irl. and yea. building some good common#ground. ive always wanted to ask to ppl ive gone out w/ what their experience looks like but i feel like thats not smth to talk abt till#later on and I've never wanted anything past a 2nd date before so. yea.#although my first date did tell me but she was poly and like much more open to talking abt that than most monogamous ppl would be
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trying to find some oldass drawings of one of my first sonas i havent been able to find em yet but instead ive just been unearthing all these old notes an ex friend and i would pass to each other back in middle school
#fucking insane i forgot abt a lot of these. i feel kinda bad keeping them that person kind offfff completely ruined my and many of my#friends lives but also. theyre kinda funny to look back on idk#theres one they made that was like ‘i drew the 2 of us as guys haha no reason lol’. idk how he identifies now but back then they were#very very openly a lesbian and last time id heard of him he had transed his gender#i remmeber . so clearly feeling some kinda way abt the art i couldnt articulate at all at the time. Lol#god that whole situation was so fucked im not gonna get into all my personal middle school bullshit becuz it was soooo stupid but like. man#insane#i know ive always been kind of a pushover ill admit but its soooo frustrating looking back like. man..HOW did i just not say anything at al#i wouldnt have gotten into that whole mess if id just been honest 😭 i mean tbh that guy was . i dont want to say anything too like . awful#he was going through a lot absolutely had his own issues they were working thruwe were all like 12 but again .#completely ruined me nd my friends lives for a while . i feel like he wouldve just pulled rhe same thing w someone else as the main target#okay no i need to stop talking abt this i said i wouldnt over share#its mostly just funny seeing all the old art tbh. most of it was before shit got bad so its sorta bittersweet in a way#inquisitivewaltz.txt#i dint know why im talkign abt this sorry#this is honestly something i think abt a lot sometimes . especially the stupider nd more mundane bits#but it was such an awful part of all out lives i cant really discuss it much w friends#everyone else has a much more ‘thank god were not in that anymore now lets pretend it never happened’ outlook on it which is understandable#idk#sorry im oversharing again i need to start keeping a journal or some shit
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#cant sleep bc im thinking so many thoughts#hiding in the tags#i think im finally over her?#like today and the last time we hung out i didnt Feel it anymore#and its not like i dont love her anymore i really really do but now its in a best friend way only i think?#the Feeling wasnt there which i guess its a good thing#and like yeah maybe its the depression maybe im just not feeling anything rn but also like#thats why she broke up with me and even when her depression got better she never got back to Feeling it?#and last time My depression was bad i wouldnt feel anything at all except when we hung out#so it feels different now#not necessarily a bad different just Different#but im so fucking scared of losing her#like im so scared of when she starts dating again#and yes ive been thinking of dating again im desperate for a girlfriend#but shes the one who broke up with me and shes had to deal with this before with Him and she didnt feel bad#but when we started dating He felt bad so like. i get him#and im so scared of never getting into a relationship again bc she’ll Always have a part of my heart like even if i dont Feel it anymore#she’ll always be number one for me#and im scared ill never let myself love anyone else bc i wouldnt think its fair to them bc of her#and idk.#i really dont wanna lose her she means so much to me#and im so comfortable around her in a way that im not with anyone else#idk where im going with this#sometimes i really fucking hate being aroace#and not being able to tell the difference between different feelings#:(#whatever
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the amount of pedo youtubers i watched growing up was insane but its actually really worrying that i had crushes on most of them and im so so thankful that my interest in most of them disappeared before they got exposed bc i would've lost my mind which did happen once with miniladd
#also i literally met one#i met bryanstars when i was 14 i also met some other members of mde and damon fizzy but LORD#i also talked to him online before that as well publicly and privately and im so glad nothing bad happened in those messages bc i was#already having such a shitty time as a teen and i would've been pushed over the edge#im not bring this up outta nowhere i saw a video about this general topic on tiktok and didnt wanna leave an essay in the comments but#needed to rant#also i was actually so pissed off about miniladd liking miniladds i was obsessed with his videos in hs and i took it as a personal betrayal#i was always watching vanoss and his friends videos growing up so i had spent so long watching him not the longest ive ever watched a#youtuber(that goes to phillip lester who i found on complete accident when i was literally 5/6)#i did get groomed by a few older men online tho i Was of the kik generation#one of them was my bsfs bf who was a junior when we were freshman who would message me that he had a secret gf that didnt want to go public#he also would threaten to kill himself if i took too long answering him back so i was on my phone 24/7 basically and was stressed out so bad#combined with transphobic and homophobic bullying at school caused me to have a public meltdown in the class that held all my bullies and#had to convince my parents to enrole me in homeschooling after which ultimately also fucked up my relationship with 1st gf who was also#manipulating me at the time and also trying get me to make out with her while we cosplayed as levi and eren from aot#which i was uncomfortable with considering i wasnt an aot fan and also was aware of the age difference#i did get back with her after this and she did break up with me again after and i probably would've gotten back with her a 3rd time but#i never saw her message asking to talk again bc she messaged my old fb after my bsf made it an advertisement for the bee movie#i don't believe in a higher power but something was definitely protecting me bc i didn't see that message until TWO YEARS LATER#this went in so many directions#im tired#tw pedophila mention#pedophillia mention#pedophillia tw#suicide tw
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Being nonbinary and dressing feminine sometimes despite very much not being a woman is. Its like hello strangers hello new friends im making please dont immediately steamroll
#contemplating a lot#rant#feel free to ignore#i just. so like. im very nonbinary#which i suppose many nonbinary people are#to the point im like. well i cant go to a transmasc support group or a transfem support group cause i doubt either would#see me as someonr who fits (wish my city had a general trans meetup but we arent big enough i guess)#i know I KNOW theres a bunch of cisgender fucks who think nonbinary = woman and it drives me up a Fucking wall#i know theres (even more ouch) a portion of lesbians and queer ppl who see nonbinary as woman-lite or feminine man#and just dont fucking put in the effort to grasp what being outside man or woman (or overlapping) could be#(probably ovdrlaps w ppl who refuse to grasp pansexuality or bisexuality)#and like. when i was young? maybe i wouldve seen myself as a trans man#but when that didnt totally fit i felt well. maybe bigender then. nonbinary. yeah that fits i suppose#or maybe i am a trans man who just doesnt want to change myself for societal pressure#but i do relate to being a woman too? so nonbinary feels best. but i certainly dont feel like a woman#im okay with she he they. but if i tell strangers theyll usually default to ONE so i just say#THEY so strangers dont immediately try to basically pretend im not nonbinary by sticking to another pronoun they feel is easier to them#and if i say They the fact remains: are these new strangers or friends dicks who dont respect my gender even tho they#accomodated to sayibg they? do they say she in private to friends. do they refer to me as a gender im not when im not present#idk i have been... interacting with a lot of straight dudes lately. and im like? im bi and nonbinary so im like. well if ur straight dude im#not sure u would even Wanna date me? u are aware im a dude too? are u okay with that? can u respect that???#which has NEVER happened to me before. cause i only dated bi guys nonbinary peeps like me or nonbinary lesbians#ive never dated a person i feared may actually not see me as I Actually Am and have accepted iy
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