#ive never been this sick this often as in these past months

[modelartist-demri]

NEW ENTRY ON MY BLOG!

On October 29, 1996, Demri passed away of acute intoxication caused by the combined effects of opiate, meprobamate, and butalbital when she was only 27. 

Demri and Layne in the Spring of 1990 by Krista Kay.

Her last few years, since around Thanksgiving 1993, her health began taking a turn for the worse. She told her mother she had been having fevers in excess of a hundred degrees. Austin told Demri the next time it happened, she should go to the hospital. The first of many hospitalizations happened shortly after. “She came in to the hospital for the first time at the end of November of ‘93. She was in until January of ‘94. She got out and was back in in March of ‘94 and at that time put on life support,” Austin recalled. “When she would be in, she would come in to the emergency room. They would admit her up into a medicine floor; then she’d go from the medicine floor to the Intensive Care Unit and life support, and then she wouldn’t die. So she’d go back to the medicine floor – she’d be on IV and antibiotics for a month. This went on and on and on. She had her lungs operated on twice. She had her heart operated on twice [she had a heart valve repaired and another replaced and the pacemaker implanted age 26]. She suffered miserably.” [1]

Jacque: “She was very sick in the end. She’d had open heart surgery and had nerve damage to her feet which were mostly numb. She had no body fat at all, and was cold all the time. Often the car’s heater would be on full blast, even on a nice day, everyone would be sweating and she’d be shivering and wearing a sweater.” [2]

According to Amber Ferrano, Dave Navarro was the one who brought up the endocarditis . They had the doctors check and found it on the back of Demri’s heart valve.

Demri with Dave Navarro ca. 1994 in a medical facility.

Amber Ferrano: “Dave was my go-to person as someone who had kicked to help Layne and Demri when various things came up with them regarding drugs because they had used with him in the past when Jane’s Addiction came through town and now clean. Dave was their inspiration. He was in AA, and though they didn’t believe in AA they loved him, he was non-jugemental and kind. They really wanted to show him they could get clean. Bob Timmins helped too. They thought if lifers could get clean because of him there was hope. 

Dave was the one who brought up the endocarditis, asking if that is what she had. It was the first time we heard of it. All those times in the hospital. They ended up finding it on the back of her heart valve.”

While in the ICU, Austin said Demri was conscious but intubated – she had a tube inserted down her throat to help her breathe, which she despised. She would tell her mother, “I hate being fucking intubated. I can’t talk, and these people come and they ask me these fucking questions, and I can’t fucking talk, and I feel like a fucking fish in a fucking fishbowl.” She communicated by writing on a small blackboard with a piece of chalk. [1]

Despite the multiple hospitalizations and brushes with death, Demri continued using drugs. She had seemingly accepted that her addiction was going to kill her. 

Amber Ferrano: “I brought mortuary books in to Demri at the hospital when Layne got back from New York in April of 1996. I, of course, shocked Demri and said I thought we could go coffin shopping. Of course when Layne got there she told on me. When she first saw them she was balling saying she didn’t want to die. Layne talked about all the issues. I said you have to be clean to fix those issues and they get less and less. The thing with them was people waiting outside their home with drugs as a way to befriend them or mailing it to them. It killed Layne when he got letters about people using. He didn’t write to glorify it, it was cathartic to work his way through it."

Barbara Dearaujo: “She was in and out of the hospital for months at a time before she actually passed away. I would go visit her and she had all the nurses going crazy. She put up all her drawings and flowers all over the walls and did things she wasn’t supposed to do like take off with her IV and go out and smoke. She was a wild child... My heart goes out to her mom. She was a good mother and she tried so hard to help Demri, but Demri was her own woman and she lived in the extreme always. She was a broken child. Grasping for something to relieve some deep pain that no one but her knew.”

One of the last photos of Demri alive, as far as her mum knew. Demri and her mum Kathleen on September 1996. Kathleen sent this photo to Memories of Demri instagram (no longer exists).

Donald John: “I was very close with Demri Parrott, knew her during her last year of life. I met her at the hospital through a friend and became very close to her. I used to visit her a lot while in the hospital, and we had some very deep spiritual conversations about everything, including her relationship with Layne from the start to the end. She even gave me a pair of sunglasses that was his. I used to read books to her and let her borrow a lot of my books, especially art books, to keep her busy. I used to hold her while she cried and watched her while she slept. I used to go outside with her when she wanted to smoke and when she was feeling better to walk, and met her mother. I even got to check out her mother’s home which had a lot of pictures of Demri of her modeling days and stuff. Sometimes on her breaks she would come to my apartment that was like 5 min walk away from the hospital. She would come over and we would do heroin together and paint pictures with my art supplies, sitting Indian style on the floor listening to music. Then when she was released from the hospital she stayed with me for a while in my place and even slept in the same bed with me, we never had sexual relations but were deep friends and something more. She and Layne at the time were pretty much over even though he visited her while in the hospital. Sometimes we would cuddle in bed and she was so skinny. When she would leave to do her errands around town she would sometimes come back with gifts, like one time I got a cool wallet from her and a necklace with an angel on it – at the time I had my first tattoo of an angel on my forearm. When me and Demri first met I was just smoking heroin, then I started shooting and when she found out she was very upset. Time had passed and I saw her frequently. Then I found out about her death.” [2]

The other of the last photos of Demri alive, as far as her mum knew. Demri and her mum Kathleen on September 1996. Kathleen sent this photo to Memories of Demri instagram (no longer exists).

Ryan Kalsbeck:“Demri was staying for a bit with me at my old apartment off 45th and Lake City Way, we had been friends for years by this point but her addiction was sad for me to see. We had long serious conversations about a lot of things. Personal, to say the least. But she always carried her Leather Modeling Portfolio with her everywhere she would go or where she was staying, but she made me promise to please hold on to this portfolio for her and don’t let anyone around it or in it and she would eventually have a solid place to bring it to and for safe keeping. I never let one picture wander off into anyone ever. I promised Demri I would guard it and I knew how important this was to her fading life. She was so afraid of loosing this or someone stealing it, probably swiping rare as f*ck photos of her and Layne, stacks of the two in different vintage clothing. But I had her portfolio in my possession for at least 1 year, and one day like normal she left my apartment and I was still sleeping. Said, ‘I’ll see you at the Off Ramp later tonight.’ I wasn’t surprised to not run into her that night, and this was one of the last times of her disappearing, no one hearing from her for months at a time. But she always popped up at someone’s place eventually. The story is deep, and thick, and personal for me to speak of.”

Terri Brannon: “Last time I saw her, I went over to Carolina Court to say goodbye because I was moving back to Arkansas. I had a very sad feeling when I hugged her. I knew in my heart I’d never see her again. She was so full of life back then. A wild gypsy child. Reminded me of myself many years before. It’s been years and years, but you never forget Demri. She is unforgettable.” [2]

Demri's graveyard at Miller-Woodlawn Memorial Park, Bremerton, Washington, USA 

During her final days, Demri was staying with an older man named Tom, the father of a friend of hers, at his place in Bothell. According to Amber Ferrano, he was a drug dealer, Demri was staying with him because he had klonopin so she wouldn’t have seizures. Demri had lived something of a nomadic existence, staying with different people for periods of a few days to a few weeks at a time. Toward the end of her life, it became very difficult for her to find a place to stay. 

On the afternoon of October 28, 1996, Tom drove Demri into Seattle. She told him she wanted a few things from a Fred Meyer grocery store. When he arrived at the store, Demri was unconscious, and he couldn’t wake her. He went into the store to pick up her things, leaving the car engine running so she wouldn’t get cold. He came out of the store, drove home, and still couldn’t wake her. He left her in the car unconscious so he could do his laundry. He eventually realized something was seriously wrong. 

Demri was eventually brought in to the emergency room at Evergreen Hospital in Kirkland at 7:30 P.M. – two and a half hours after she first lost consciousness. Her mother got a phone call from the hospital, telling her Demri was there. 

Kathleen asked the doctors if Demri could hear her. The doctors told her they thought she could. She clutched Demri’s hand and said, “Dem, if you have a choice to stay or to go, you don’t have to stay for me anymore.” During previous hospitalizations, she had always told her to fight, to to survive. This time was different. [1]

Jack Plasky: “The first time I met Layne was when he came by my studio after Demri passed. We hung out for about six or seven hours. We went through Demri’s pictures. We did not talk much, it was more like sharing with me his pain. He was not a rock god that day, just a regular person who wanted to share the loss with each other. We had a very strong bond based on our love and caring for Demri, and her feelings for us. I got a strong true feeling from him when he looked at Demri’s pictures, that life held nothing for him anymore.”

Ariel Layton: “Demri used to spend a lot of time with my girlfriend, Jana. She actually passed away in my friend Tom’s truck. I also ended up couch-surfing at Buddah’s around the same time as Layne shortly after she passed. He had photos of her everywhere, it was very sad.” 

Kathleen Austin: “Derek loved Dem so much and nothing she did would ever change that. He spoke at her funeral, ‘If my sister got on the ferry in Seattle, she knew everyone on the boat by the time it reached Bremerton’.”

Clay: “Demri, it’s been 13 years [March, 2009] since you went to be with Jesus and I still miss you so much sweetie. I’m so glad we got to share all the time with each other before you left us. When we prayed and talked about Heaven and The Lord, it still makes me think about how I look forward to seeing you again and being with you forever. I hope all the world knows you are with Christ now and your faith in Him, so they can have the same hope we shared. I’ll always treasure your Bible your grandma gave me, until we are together again. Love you always, Clay.”

Brochure from Demri’s memorial service, which was held on November 2, 1996. Shared by Marisi Sojit and posted by “Comunidad Alice in Chains Chile” Facebook group. Found via Instagram: memoriesofdemri (no longer exists)

Carolyn Hart Gutierrez: “She was one of the most amazingly trusting, compassionate, openhearted persons I’ve ever known, albeit briefly. We went to the same high school, and she was a friend of my younger sister. I have often thought about her over the years. It broke my heart to hear that she was gone from this Earth. I always imagined that she grew up and became a happy little momma who would teach her children to believe in magic and that if you wish on a star your wish will come true, and to dance in the rain. That’s what I believe. Demri may be gone, but she is never forgotten.” [2]

Krisha Augerot: "She was like the sweetest, cutest, tiny hippie chick – just adorable and gorgeous. Never would I have ever imagined what happened to her happening". 

Mara Whelan: “My dear soul sister, she extracted the truly beautiful parts of my soul and made me unafraid. She brought light into the depths of darkness from within. She loved all my ugliness and glorified my uniqueness.

Demri and I lived together, slept together as sister spoons, hitchhiked all up and down the coast and back and forth to Seattle from Everett a million times. We lived in Seattle together in multiple places. When we didn’t live together, even when the drugs came into play, we never lost each other.

She was the most beautiful soul that ever existed. What I would do to feel her hand in mine again.”

Barbara Dearaujo: “Demri was an artist herself, a model and someone who could always make you laugh. She was the type of person who when she entered a room full of people all eyes would be on her. She sucked the energy from the room and then blasted it back out at you and made you laugh and smile. She was so different than everyone else and everyone knew it who met her. Geeky, funny, caring, talented and unique girl who could of owned the world if she had not got caught up in what was going on around her. She was a star in her own right.”

*All the information has been collected from the "Memories of Demri" document shared on google drive*

Sources cited:

[1] Alice in Chains: The Untold Story by David de Sola

[2] Instagram: memoriesofdemri (no longer exists)

*VERY SPECIAL THANKS TO LITTLE QUEENIES AND MEMORIES OF DEMRI*

Some great Demri sites you MUST check: 

Little Queenies tumblr blog - Demri info

Little Queenies' collection of Demri's photos hosted at Google Photos

Memories of Demri document hosted on Google Drive

Videos of Demri hosted on Google Drive

World of Demri on Instagram

World of Demri substack blog

Demri L. Parrott on facebook

Demri L. Parrott on Instagram

Demri Lara Parrott on Instagram

Demri Parrott Legacy on Instagram

Beautiful Demri Blogspot

[megalony]

Look at us- Part 7

sHere is the next part of my new Henry Cavill series, thank you all for the lovely feedback so far, I hope everyone is enjoying it so far.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez-blog @jonesyaddiction @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me  @hellsdragon @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh @onceuponadetectivedemigod @ceres27 @avyannadawn @dreaming-about-fanfictions @afro-hispwriter  

Series taglist: @kingliam2019​ @slytherinlyn314​

Masterlist

Summary: After losing a baby a few months ago, (Y/n) is still suffering horrible back pains that she needs strong painkillers to manage. But she has to be okay and in control to look after her family and she knows she is relying too much on pills to gain back her life and control.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Y/n) didn't like this.

The room felt like it was on fire, the heat surrounding her was scolding and even when she breathed, she could feel heat radiating around her like she was sitting in the centre of the Earth.

She didn't know what time it was, she felt like she had been sleeping for hours and hours but the bright lights in the room made (Y/n) doubt whether it was late at night or not. This wasn't where she remembered she had been when she arrived. (Y/n) was ninety percent sure she had been down in A&E for quite a while, but this looked more like a room on a ward than the emergency room cubicles she had frequented often.

It took a few moments to realise she had an oxygen mask strapped to her nose and mouth, but as soon as (Y/n) realised what it was, her tired, groggy hands were moving to rip it away. She wasn't keeping that on when it was making her feel like she was suffocating.

A wave of sickness washed over (Y/n) when she tried to sit up but she did her best to ignore the feeling. Where was Henry? Was he with the kids, were they all okay?

She wanted to go home.

Draining the dregs from his coffee, Henry threw the cup in the bin and put his phone back in his pocket when he reached (Y/n)'s hospital room. The hospital food and drink was never anything Henry would have unless he was desperate and with it being nearly six in the morning, he needed some source of caffeine to keep him awake.

It had taken until eleven o'clock last night for (Y/n) to finally get the MRI she needed- which Henry had argued with a nurse about because they wouldn't put her on a ward until she had it meaning she had to stay sedated in A&E until they finally moved her.

It was past midnight by the time she was settled on a ward so Henry got a few hours of sleep after that before he decided to give up and just stay awake and wait until (Y/n) woke up.

Surprise flooded his face when he walked in the room and saw (Y/n) trying to sit up. Since she had been sedated earlier in the afternoon, she hadn't woken up. She'd stirred and mumbled a few times but other than that Henry had been watching her sleep and ringing his mum every few hours to check the kids were all alright. Mainly Jesse, he didn't settle well if he didn't have either (Y/n) or Henry with him and Henry knew Jesse hadn't slept last night without one of them being there.

"Hey baby, how do you feel?"

Henry sat back down in the armchair next to the bed and pulled it closer so he could reach (Y/n) but he found his smile dropping when he realised she looked panicked. the oxygen mask was hanging on the edge of the bed and she had thrown the cover away to try and move her legs off the bed but she seemed too groggy to get very far.

When (Y/n) reached for the IV on her hand, Henry was quick to grab her hands and pull them to his chest. He was going to have a struggle ahead of him.

"No, no baby you need that. Take a few deep breaths, calm down for me."

"Home... t-take me home."

A wave of sickness plundered through (Y/n)'s chest and made her throat tighten until breathing became hard. She rested her forehead against the back of Henry's hand which was surprisingly cold and soothing against her burning skin. She wanted to go home and lay in her own bed and have the kids with them and Henry's arms around her. This wasn't home, this was foreign and held horrid memories and (Y/n) didn't want to be here.

Sighing to himself, Henry kissed the back of (Y/n)'s head and leaned his cheek against her hair for a few moments. He didn't want to upset her and have her panic or get distressed but he couldn't lie or even dare to take her home right now. It wasn't an option.

"I can't take you home just yet, sweetheart. You're not well."

(Y/n) stayed laying on her side but pulled back so she could rest her head on the pillow and look up at Henry who leaned over to be as close as he could get.

"What time is it?"

"About six in the morning, you've been out for nearly twelve hours."

"What happened?" (Y/n) really dreaded asknig because she wasn't sure if she wanted the answer or not. She remembered being in horrid pain yesterday and then being sick, and flashes of memories of being in A&E came to mind, but that was it. She couldn't remember what she had said or what anyone had said to her last night, it felt as if her mind was clogged with water but then again that might be whatever medication they had put her on.

"You crushed some tramadol tablets yesterday, it made you overdose but they put some narcotics in your IV and kept you on oxygen and it's flushed you out. You had an MRI last night too, one of the vertebrae in your spine has come out of place, that's why you're in so much pain."

Henry had been surprised, relieved and infuriated all at once when the doctor came to talk to him after the MRI.

One of the bones in (Y/n)'s spine had come out of place and was pushing down on her spinal nerves which was causing her drastic pain levels. If she had been examined months ago and had scans before now it could have been sorted out with physio and some medication. But with how long it had taken, they needed to do surgery now to fix the issue.

(Y/n) had been kept in agony all this time because the GP couldn't be bothered to do his job and examine her or take her pain seriously. She had to overdose on medication to be taken seriously and examined. It was ridiculous and it made Henry's blood boil that this had to happen. (Y/n) could have been seriously worse off and something could have happened with the baby because she was neglected.

"S-so what do they do?"

She didn't mean to. (Y/n) didn't want to overdose. She couldn't remember taking the tablets but she knew for certain that she would never want to overdose even if her pain had been extreme. She had the kids to think about, she couldn't risk her health and make things worse for the kids by overdosing.

But it was a relief to have a reason behind her pain. It wasn't a figment of her imagination or something drawn from the grief of losing Lilah. This could have happened even if Lilah was carried to full-term and born healthy. It was a big weight from (Y/n)'s shoulders to know she didn't have to blame her grief for the pain she was feeling.

Henry held (Y/n)'s hands a little bit tighter and pressed them to his lips while he debated what to do.

If he told her how they had to fix the problem, he knew what would happen.

(Y/n) was going to try and leave or have a panic attack and want to go home and Henry would have to calm her down and make sure she didn't try and slip out the hospital.

And if he told her she was pregnant, it would make things a whole lot worse. He didn't know what her initial reaction was going to be, she might faint, she could go into a severe panic attack or break down or go into denial. But he knew for certain that she wouldn't want the operation to fix her back if she knew she was pregnant.

"The doctor said that since painkillers and rest haven't made it better, he needs to operate."

"No, Henry-"

"Sweetheart, please hear me out. You can't carry on like this, it won't get better without surgery. He said they need to take out a disc in your spine to relieve the pressure and fuse two vertebre together so it doesn't happen again and it will keep your spine strong. You need this operation."

Decompression surgery was what (Y/n) had to have and it was the next resort when painkillers and rest didn't work.

Doctor Warren had told Henry late last night that he couldn't put (Y/n) on painkillers with how she had been addicted to tramadol and wound up here. They should have helped but her vertebre wasn't going back into place on its own and the only way to fix it was surgery. They needed to take the pressure off her nerves and fuse the bones together so they wouldn't push out of place again and cause a repeat problem.

Henry couldn't let (Y/n) go home and not have the surgery because she was afraid. He understood her fears, (Y/n) hated operations and hospitals were plagued with Lilah's horrid birth and death.

But at the same time, Henry couldn't take (Y/n) home and go back to seeing her crippled with pain. It affected every part of her daily routine and her quality of life and it needed to change. Surgery was the better option than crippling pain and having to sleep in the armchair and be carried up and down the stairs. There was no choice to make, she needed this operation.

"No, Henry that's big surgery, I don't want to be here." A sob burned at the back of (Y/n)'s throat and her eyes welled with tears.

Surgery would make her more at risk for blood clots than she already was and the recovery time could be massive. (Y/n) was a mum, she couldn't be laid up in bed when she had the kids to feed and wash and take to school and Jesse couldn't be left alone even when he was playing in case he choked on a toy he tried to eat.

A cry passed (Y/n)'s lips before she sat up and grabbed at the back of her left hand where the IV tube was.

"No- sweetheart don't do that- if you take that out I'll call for the nurse I mean it." There was a warning tone in Henry's stern voice but (Y/n) couldn't force herself to take heed of what he was saying.

The small wire was pulled from her vein before Henry could stop her and it made a deep growl emminate from the back of his throat.

He scrunched up the bedsheet and pressed it against (Y/n)'s hand when blood started spurting out of her hand like a tap and he pressed the emergency button at the back of the bed. The IV was giving her fluids since she hadn't eaten or drank anything in over twenty four hours and it was giving her painkillers straight into her blood to keep the pain away in her back.

"She's taken her IV out."

Henry locked eyes with the young nurse he had seen do a few hourly checks on (Y/n) through the early morning.

Moving round, Henry gently sat (Y/n) up and sat down on the bed behind her with his arms around her chest. He pulled her to lay back into him and he held her good hand to her chest when the nurse took her blood-covered hand to fix it up.

(Y/n) didn't have the willpower to fight the nurse, and she couldn't do much when Henry was binding her to his chest with both his arms across her chest like barriers preventing her from moving. The nurse managed to get the tube straight back into the same vein and she wrapped a long bandage around her hand and up her wrist so she couldn't try and do it again without a lot of effort.

"Doctor said they're going to do the operation this morning so the anaesthesiologist is ready to come and prepare you for surgery. Is now a good time?"

"Sweetheart," Henry looked down at (Y/n) but all she did was curl up in his arms like she was trying to disappear. He knew she wasn't going to disagree because deep down, (Y/n) knew she couldn't carry on with this pain. They had been praying for a solution and this was it. "Now's fine."

"I'll go let them know."

When she was out the room, (Y/n) tilted her head to look behind her up at Henry. "I can't be stuck in bed for weeks to recover from spine surgery, I need to be up and able to look after the kids, you're on press tours soon."

"The doctor said you will be up and walking within a few days of surgery and I don't have to attend all of the tours. We can't afford not to have this surgery when you were keeled over in agony."

Silence enveloped them for a few minutes until Doctor Warren and an older lady they figured was the anaesthesiologist came into the room.

"How are you feeling, (Y/n)? It's nice to see you awake finally." The doctor stood towards the end of the bed and he looked vaguely familiar to (Y/n) but she didn't want to talk. If this needed to happen she wanted it all out the way and erased from her memory.

"Drowsy,"

"That's expected. Now, your scans showed one vertebre is very out of place but the surgery is quite simple. We will take out the disc below to make some room for your nerves so they aren't crushed, and then we will fuse the bad vertebre with the one below so it stays in place. The surgery shouldn't take more than two hours and you will be up and walking hopefully two days after surgery."

"What about recovery?" (Y/n) had to have a speedy recovery, she didn't do well on bed rest and she couldn't do that when they had three kids at home to care for. Henry couldn't do everything.

The kids needed taking to school, dinners cooked, the house clean and tidy. Jesse needed supervision, help being bathed, fed, and he liked being constantly active and entertained. He wouldn't sit in bed with (Y/n) for hours unless it was late at night.

"You can go home a few days after surgery and being active will help you recover. Just no heavy lifting and you need to take things slow and easy for about four weeks. With your risk of blood clots, you shouldn't be on bed rest you need to keep moving around little and often. It's a light surgery so recovery won't be too strenuous. And with-"

The look Henry suddenly gave the doctor made him hold his breath and clear his throat before he smiled.

Henry hadn't said anything about the baby yet, he couldn't risk distressing (Y/n) right now.

(Y/n) nodded, it didn't sound too bad. she was supposed to keep active and moving which would work well around the kids and if she could go home within a few days of surgery that was even better. She didn't want to be on bed rest it would only made her irritable and she couldn't handle people fussing and having to do things for her.

"Okay, if you have no questions I'll leave you with doctor Hastings to get prepped."

Why did it have to be now?

Couldn't (Y/n) have a little more time to prepare herself and try and build herself up to doing this? But then again, more time would only serve to make her more anxious and she would be more likely to want to leave and chicken out.

Operations weren't something (Y/n) liked. Anaesthesia never agreed with her and she always ended up feeling rough when she came out of it and it served to make her sick. There was always that worry as well that she might not wake up from the deep sleep it put her in or that something might go wrong. That was (Y/n)'s biggest worry, that a complication would happen and something would go wrong. And the thought of everything going black and her mind shutting down made her feel sick just to think about how deep her mind would sink.

"Okay, do you have any allergies?" Doctor Hastings was a slightly older woman whose attention was focusing on the clipboard in her hands.

"Penicillin." (Y/n) mumbled quietly before she turned her head to brush her face against Henry's bare arm and press a kiss against his skin.

(Y/n) found out the hard way she was allergic to penecillin. After getting an infection just after Brodie was born, she was given the antibiotic through her IV and Henry had almost fainted when (Y/n) suddenly went blue in the face and couldn't breathe. It had been one of the scariest things to happen to her, to suddenly become breathless and feel like her lungs were pierced and popped like balloons.

"Noted. Have you ever had a bad reaction to any anaesthesia before?"

"No," (Y/n) didn't like it but she'd never reacted badly to it, she was told feeling groggy and sick when waking from an operation was fairly normal.

"Hm, well you haven't eaten anything yet which is good, and yesterday's blood results look good. We'll take some more now just to be safe, then I think we should be fine to get you put under and sent up to theatre."

Oh God, she was really going for spinal surgery soon. It was happening, they were going to send her into the blackest, numbest, worst part of her mind for hours and just hope she would come back out unscathed.

A tremor shuddered through (Y/n)'s nerves and tingled in her blood when the doctor advanced towards her with a needle the size of her finger and two viles she got from a side drawer. (Y/n) didn't want her blood to be taken, she just said they took some yesterday which must have happened whilst she had been asleep. Shouldn't that be fine? Didn't they take enough when she was asleep?

Henry gently hummed against the top of (Y/n)'s head and brushed his hand up and down the side of her waist with his other hand holding her free hand to try and calm her down. He watched the doctor with a glare in his eye when she roughly grabbed (Y/n)'s wrist and yanked her arm out, shaking the limb until (Y/n) realised she needed to lock her elbow and keep her arm straight.

A whimper escaped her lips when the needle pushed up into the crease of her elbow and she shut her eyes tight, shrinking further into Henry's chest wishing she could disappear. Two little viles of blood seemed to take a lifetime to fill and (Y/n) felt lightheaded when the needle finally left her skin.

"Can you get off the bed please?" Her impatient eyes looked at Henry who sent a glare burning back her way but he complied either way.

With a kiss to the top of (Y/n)'s head, Henry slowly slid off the side of the bed and stood up, straightening out his back but he kept tight hold of (Y/n)'s hand.

"(Y/n), you need to lay down on your back." The doctor removed the pillows and threw them in the corner of the room before she busied herself searching below the bed for something. She fiddled around with the oxygen machine attached to the base of the bed and stood up with a tube in her hand which made (Y/n) shrink in on herself. She had seen them before, it was a tube that went down her throat to make sure she kept breathing and it pinned her tongue to the bottom of her mouth so she wasn't at risk of choking during the procedure.

(Y/n) prayed they wouldn't leave that in her throat when she woke up, it felt horrifying to wake up and choke on a tube that went right into her lungs. Usually they took it out and left her with an oxygen mask which was less frightening for someone coming out of a deep slumber.

"I feel sick," (Y/n) mumbled quietly, shrinking closer to her left towards Henry and away from the woman towering over her who looked more menacing by the second.

"You're fine, now lay down."

Shaking her head, (Y/n) felt a tear track down her cheek before she turned over and leaned over the bed, feeling her stomach churning. Henry was quick to grab the cardboard sick bucket, holding it in front of (Y/n) just as some water spewed from her lips. She hadn't eaten since dinnertime yesterday so she had nothing but a little water to throw up but it still burned the back of her throat nevertheless.

"You're gonna be fine, sweetheart, just lay down and when you wake up, you'll find me right here." Henry kneeled down and folded his arms on the edge of the bed, brushing a whisp of hair behind (Y/n)'s ear before he gently folded her hair up into the cap the doctor handed over to him.

He kissed (Y/n)'s temple, wishing her worries away before he helped her to lay down on her back. But (Y/n) continued to shake her head at him, unable to stop the tears from falling down her face or the murmurs from bubbling past her lips. Why couldn't she just fast forward time and skip to where she was awake and everything was fine and done with?

"Breathe this in deeply and you'll be asleep."

A gasp escaped (Y/n)'s lips when a mask was suddenly thrust over her mouth and bashed forcefully into the side of her nose. The action was so sudden and unexpected that she let out a scream and swatted at the hand trying to smother her. Last time they gave her an injection of anaesthetic to send her to sleep because she told them she didn't like the feel of the mask over her mouth.

Moving her head, (Y/n) shuddered and coiled her head down towards her chest with her arms over her face. She didn't want to do this, she didn't want to be knocked out and wake up with a stiff back that was going to take weeks to heal. But she didn't want to be in constant agony either.

"Right, I'll go and get some nurses to restrain her."

"No you fucking won't."

Henry's instant response was barked back at the woman with venom in his tone. His hands clenched at his sides like he was gearing up for a fight and his upper lip curled in disgust when the doctor huffed and frowned at him like he was wasting her time.

"If she's going to fight then I want her restrained."

She spoke as if she was talking about some sort of criminal or as if she didn't realise she was talking very rudely about Henry's wife. She clearly didn't realise how deeply his love for her ran through his veins and made his heart beat rapidly in his chest. No one was going to restrain her while he was around, no one was going to lay a hand on his wife. She was petrified and rightfully so, she didn't like hospitals or procedures and that was okay, she needed to be calmed down and treated like a human being with respect, not cruelty.

"You just try and I won't be responsible for my actions, I don't want you or anyone else laying a hand on my wife." Henry pointed his finger at the woman, just daring her to go ahead and see what he would do if she even attempted to restrain (Y/n). "Give me the mask. I'll calm her down and do it."

Reaching out his hand, Henry waited impatiently and snatched the face mask away from the woman before he bent his knees and crouched down beside (Y/n).

"Sweetheart, I'm here and I'll still be here when you open your eyes. Just take a few really deep breaths of this stuff and as soon as you know it, you'll be looking at me again, I promise. Do it for me, baby."

Henry slowly raked his fingers up and down (Y/n)'s neck and shoulder, slowly and sensually making patterns into her skin. He waited patiently until (Y/n) nodded and let him carefully place the mask over her mouth and nose. He took a deep breath, encouraging (Y/n) to copy him while his hand pressed to the back of her neck and his thumb brushed up and down her chin.

"Good girl," He kept the mask over her lips for a few extra seconds after she went limp before he stood up and handed it back over to the woman he now despised with good reason.

His arms folded over his chest and his foot started to tap anxiously against the floor whilst he watched the doctor open (Y/n)'s mouth and carefully insert the oxygen tube. She made sure it was taped in place before she moved (Y/n) to lay on her left side, ready for when they got her into theatre.

Thank you," She mumbled quietly, clipboard in hand as she turned around, about to go and get someone to transport (Y/n) to the theatre.

"Don't talk to my wife like that again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There look, mama's waking up." Turning his head, Henry gently bounced Jesse on his hip as he walked into the singular room, a smile on his lips when he looked over at (Y/n). He didn't know what was running through Jesse's head or if he had any understanding of where he was or what was going on but he guessed Jesse didn't know since he was very calm.

Henry couldn't leave him with his mother any longer, he was throwing tantrums, screaming, crying and launching toys everywhere. It was unsettling for him to be away from both parents for more than a day and even Brodie couldn't calm him down from his tantrums. So Henry went down while (Y/n) was in surgery and checked on the kids and decided to bring Jesse back to the hospital with him.

He knew Jesse wouldn't be too unsettled because he would be in a room with Henry waiting for (Y/n) to wake up so he would generally be rather at ease. He had a stuffed dog toy in his arms and a chew toy hanging on string around his neck and a beaker of juice on standby.

"Mama, mama. Mama." A few mushed up sounds followed but a smile worked its way onto Jesse's lips as Henry sat down on the seat next to the bed and put Jesse on his lap.

He had taken to pace up and down the corridor when (Y/n) finally woke up so doctor Warren could assess her and make sure she was okay and not in any pain and no paralysis.

"Hi, baby." (Y/n)'s voice was hoarse and her throat felt like it had been butchered from the oxygen tube but she still smiled at her little boy who was smiling back with a streak of drool hanging from his lower lip. His brown curls flopped about his head and sitting there on Henry's knee, he looked like the younger version of his dad.

"You feeling alright?" Henry gently leaned over and sat Jesse down on the floor so he could play and Henry could move a bit closer to (Y/n) and take hold of her hand.

"Rough."

"Hm, I'm not surprised," A small tight-lipped smile worked its way onto Henry's face and he looked down at their entwined hands for a few seconds. "So, I have to talk to you about something but if you're not feeling great or you just want to sleep, it can wait."

"What's wrong?" (Y/n) leaned up a bit straighter against the many pillows she had been given to ease her back. Her hand reached out and brushed against his cleanly shaven jaw as worry flooded her eyes.

He didn't look panicked or upset or like something had just happened or gone drastically wrong which eased a few nerves in (Y/n)'s stomach. But the way he worded that and his tone of voice set something off inside of her. What did he want to talk about? Was it the kids, had something happened while they had been here in hospital? Had something happened during her operation that the doctor didn't tell her about?

"You were having bad stomach pains yesterday when we arrived so the doctor did an examination and a scan to check you over."

"Baby you're worrying me,"

"You're pregnant."

Henry had never seen so many emotions wash over her face in such a little amount of time. He had never witnessed her eyes flash with horror, confusion, love, joy and terror like that before. Her eyes seemed to light up and then dim completely. Her mouth twitched and moved and tremored, unsure whether to smile, laugh, cry or scream.

She seemed to decide on choking out a cry instead.

"H-how far along are we?" (Y/n) brushed her shaking hand beneath her eyes to catch her fallen tears that were building up so badly that she could barely see Henry.

"Fourteen weeks, give or take. I know we had a small talk about wanting a baby, are you... okay, about this?" They had a few brief talks but nothing big or substancial and now they didn't really have much of a choice because it had happened already.

(Y/n) didn't know what she was thinking, or what she was supposed to say. She wanted a baby, in fact, she was desperate for a baby. But she didn't want to lost another baby. She didn't want to wait around in agony and give birth and hold her baby for two hours and then give her away to be buried and forgotten.

She wanted a baby she could bring home and cherish and kiss and feed and cuddle and shower with love.

"We're having a baby." The way (Y/n)'s lips curled up into a smile made a weight lift from Henry's chest and he let out a breathless chuckle.

Standing up, he towered over her and cupped his hand around the back of her neck so he could bring their foreheads together. He took a moment to relish in the close contact and brought his other hand up to cradle her cheek, smiling when he felt her hands coming up to rest on his chest. He kissed her like she was his oxygen he was trying to devour. Their lips meshed together and (Y/n) could taste the coffee on his tongue and his cold lips felt heavenly against her flush skin.

"We're having a baby."

[gurugirl]

Ive never been in a situation like this and don’t know how to navigate it. We’ve been friends for almost 2yrs. And it grew into something more and now we work together.

He’s always around me, protective of me, cares a lot about me and takes care of me. He’s always there when I need him and we’re in a friends with benefits situation. But we never had sex because I’m not ready (still a virgin) and he was ok with it. He never pushes me to do something I’m not comfortable with and said how if it isn’t him I end up with than whoever it is a “lucky man” We also live pretty close to each other, he’s practically my neighbor. So when he left for school in another state I still seen him when he would come to visit me and his family. He’s leaving again in a few months but promised that we’ll stay in touch just like before. And also talked about us in a future sense.

But I found out he’s dating someone for the past 4 months. I overheard a conversation he had with one of his best friends. He said “my girlfriend just texted me trying to come over to my place.” We were all hanging out as a group and so I confronted the friend since he’s also mines and he told me how long they were dating, but made me promise that I won’t tell the guy I like that it was him who told me. So after finding out, I obviously was upset and kept deciding to keep my distance from him. He thought I just didn’t feel good cause I was just recently sick and gave me space but would stop by my house to drop off food, tea, and medicine. Which further made me confused.

He would get jealous anytime I showed any interest in any other man and when he thought I liked another guy from our friend group he would start questioning me. “Do you like him?” “Would you give him a chance?” “Will you tell him about us?” And I would tell him that I didn’t like anyone and seen him as just a friend too. He always said “good I don’t want to lose you” Everyone who sees us interact wants us together. His parents, mines, our friends, coworkers, etc. And they always tease us and he’ll just smile my way or if i’m nearby he’ll hug me/kiss the top of my head.

I really really reallyyyyyy like him which he doesn’t know and under the impression I want things casual and see him as my best friend. I feel like he liked me too until I found out about his gf… I know I shouldn’t want him anymore after this but I do and can’t help but wonder if he actually liked me or just doing extra things just to keep me on the side? Or is it just a friendship? I know I could easily solve this by talking it out but I don’t want to admit that I liked him and fear the idea of him saying he didn’t feel the same and it was just sexual. Please help.

My only fear of telling him how I feel is that I know he’ll want a relationship and I’m not ready for that. Because I just recently started going to therapy to work on myself and my childhood trauma which he doesn’t know about. Now that I know he’s capable of cheating I don’t trust him as much anymore especially since i’m not ready for s3x. He still doesn’t know that I know he has a gf. He spends nearly every day with me which means he doesn’t see her that often and I don’t think anyone else really knows because I’m close with his family and they’ve never mentioned it.

What should I do?

My goodness! I can see how this is such a confusing situation for you hon oh wow!!

I feel like if you've been doing things with him "romantically" on any level (which is why you're saying friends with benefits I assume) and he's seeing someone else that just a big red flag. Also that he's such a close friend to you and hasn't told you he had a girlfriend? He's hiding it from you on purpose. That's pretty clear.

I'm also worried that he keeps trying to kind of keep you for himself (saying things like I don't want to lose you or getting a bit jealous maybe when you are talking to another guy) and talks about your future together, etc. He's keeping you around by saying/doing these nice things but also LYING to you. I think that's the big thing right there.

It could be that he's ready to start having sex and wants to explore that (so he's got himself a girlfriend) but truly does have feelings for you in the meantime. Unfortunately, the way he's gone about it (if this is the case) is totally gross. It's disrespectful to you and the girl he's seeing.

I'm not sure how old either of you are but it really sounds like you're just not on the same page as far as dating and sex go and if you're not ready to date or have sex and he is then that's fine! But he should have been up front with you about everything and tell you that he's got a girlfriend and one day when you're ready if you still like him and he's single then you two could see what happens within a relationship.

But as it is, he's not waiting around, which is fine but he's lying to you and cheating on his girlfriend. He sounds immature and unable to communicate things properly. You don't want to be with a person like him.

I can't tell you what to do or anything because only you have all the details here but if he means as much to you as you say I'd confront him. Tell him you found out he has a girlfriend and make it clear you're not telling him how you found out - because it really doesn't matter how you found out - tho he may try to focus on that and derail the convo or even gaslight you into telling him but don't allow that - tell him that the only thing that matters is to get the truth from him once and for all. But keep your bullshit radar up. You'll be listening to him explain why he did what he did all while having the knowledge that he's a liar so just keep that at the forefront of your mind. I only say that because he seems like someone that would try and sweet talk you or lie again to plead his case and make you feel bad for him. Guys like him are a dime a dozen. I've met them all. That's how I'd approach it.

Now you may not want to get closure or find out why he lied. Maybe you'd just be better cutting ties with him on some level. Keep him at a distance and start making contact sparse. If anything he may finally come to you to ask why and at that point you can tell him why (if you want).

Honestly this is too complex for me to give you truly helpful advice. Talk to your therapist about it. Perhaps this all fits in with your childhood trauma in some way and you might get some closure that way as well.

Good luck to you hon. If you want, I'd love to be updated when you figure something out or if you have anything new happen.

Just be wary of him, which it sounds like you already are. That's the best advice I can give.

xoxo

[snugglyrecovery]

The story of my sickness:

This is my first ever Tumblr post. I am recently two years sober, and I accidentally wrote a lot about my sobriety in the last few hours. I’d love to answer questions or hear from someone who can relate.

Just lost my job for making too many mistakes, but I’m a “joy to work with” and “incredibly talented”. Trying to figure life out.

Here’s my story. Thanks for letting me tell it.

Addiction is a cold and lonely place. The bottom of the glass is a window to the other side of the world that I watched others live in every day from my apartment on a busy street corner. Other lives seemed to be full of joy and honest fulfillment. On a molecular level, I felt that I was unworthy of even interacting with that life. The mask of normalcy I wore was made of eggshells, and it cracked when I was around the people I admired, so I hid from the world for a year.

I prescribed myself a life of misery for the perceived sins of my past. Generally a person who values truth and goodness in others, I saw the pitfall of humanity in the mirror. Disgusting, revolting, wholly wrong, and rage inducing—me. The weakest of weak links. When I became so ill from drinking and myself that I lost the ability to walk, which lasted for over a year due to neuropathic pain, I asked for help in an unwavering plea. I hadn’t left my apartment in weeks. There was dog fecal matter everywhere, which was a sign of the darkness that had overcome me considering my normal absolute adoration and care for my dogs. (They are happy and healthy!) I called a thrown-together team of loved ones with a request for help to go to rehab and the willingness to do anything to feel better. I called because I fell asleep every night fearing I wouldn’t make it to the next day. One day I actually woke up in my own blood and vomit. Scared the shit out of myself. My doctors eventually would say that a dark day had been on the horizon and would’ve easily been my demise within a month or so had I not received treatment.

There is a dense and tumultuous cloud attached to my silver linings: I had some of the money due to the sudden and life altering death of my beloved mother, but the $50,000 rehab stay was just a small percentage of what the hospitals, emergency rooms, medications, ambulance rides, and therapies amounted to. My esteemed position of four years didn’t convince my company to provide me or any of their employees with health insurance. This entire medical journey would be out of pocket and would ultimately force me to file for bankruptcy (like right now).

I had no choice but to carry on with treatment and disregard the cost. I didn’t want to hurt my family by dying. I could take or leave the constant pain I still feel daily, but I would never want to traumatize my loved ones more than I had since showing them my decaying life and shattered spirit.

I approached recovery from a place of understood brokenness and unwavering arrogance/stupidity… I was better than this. I went to rehab in two phases due to a forced three week hospital stay. Initially at rehab, I forgot often where I was, would wander off to the woods, and constantly fall from the pain in my legs. It was determined that I was too sick to stay in the program. I was taken on an $11,000 ambulance ride to a hospital after 10 days in rehab. I don’t really remember the hospital, honestly. I know I did physical therapy. There were plenty of fluids and lorazepam IVs. There were several kind nurses, unless they are figments of my imagination. I learned I could further not trust my own experiences when I hallucinated that members of my extended family were in the hall one day for several hours. No one was there. No one was coming until I had to be picked up. But I heard them speaking. Loudly. That episode eventually dissipated, and I have not hallucinated since.

I left the hospital when three weeks had passed, and I quickly reorganized at the closest thing to home base I had with my ex-fiancé. I went back to rehab to receive nine more weeks of in-patient rehabilitation for substance abuse disorder, major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. Two years after the first day I went to a hospital, I am still sober with almost (no one’s mind is perfect) no temptation to relapse. A miracle for my soul.

Recovery and all of her moods doesn’t have to always be a clinical journey filled with “cans” and “can’t” do’s. I was filled with uncertainty and confusion with severe memory loss. Thrusted far from the world of being the brightest in the class to the world of endless frustration and forgetting my sister’s names. I needed something to hold at night in my twin bed at rehab. I needed warmth to make it through the darkness of constant fear and confusion. I, without intention, made sobriety a comforting hug because I absolutely had to. My earnest choice to be healthy and back in-control necessitated safety I had never known in this life. I can now rely on myself and my sobriety. Sobriety can either be a prison or a safe and snuggly home for our souls, inviting us to be the healthiest, most wholesome version of ourselves. I have effectively put some of the chaos of my life behind me. I no longer wake up dreading to hear about my out of control emotional responses or gazing in embarrassment at a reposted political article that I drunkenly wrote a very superficial rant about on Facebook.

I don’t attend regular AA meetings. I am not suggesting this is ideal for those considering how many they or a loved one should attend themselves. I got a DUI in 2017, (I was so consumed with guilt and called the cops on myself… don’t do this) and continued to drink until I saw the real possibility of death in May of 2021.

I now write poetry to keep myself from going insane. I have not yet figured out a way to escape the ease I find chaos with. It is my home. I am less anxious after I just got fired, for example. Careless mistakes, lack of conscientiousness, and difficulty with details seem to always follow me around like the angel of professional and scholastic death. Kindness and character are through the roof when I’m not behind the wheel of my car— a dark tale for another time. I just want to be.

[deepestvoidsalad]

Bit of a vent post. Might delete in a bit

Medical stuff and mostly me rambling out thoughts. Might be a bit long.

Been real sick lately, worse then normal.

Incredibly thankful to everyone whos listened to me ramble about it this past bit and helped me get to and from my new appointments, and I wish I could do more to thank them cause ive really needed it and they deserve a lot more thanks then I feel I can give.

Especially my partner whos looking after me way more inbetween their own appointments, medical issues and other problems. But like I want to be able to be there for everyone else as well. Not just be the one receiving help and support. It doesn't feel fair to me and I want to help.

New medicines kinda kicking my ass tho (theyve got me on like 6 of them :0) so i dont know how long ill be up but im trying to learn queuing so I can stop appearing like once every few weeks to a month, spaming a few posts and vanishing lol. Think ive got it mostly figured out now.

Just trying to stay positive as much as I can, even if im a bit worried. Hard to accept that these issues may have gotten worse and there may even be new problems? Maybe just old ones that they never found and are finally bad enough to be taken seriously. Idk. I have doctors to help me now at least.

I just so desperately want to get back to writing and doing art again. But what little energy I have is like playing totk with my partner and attempting to look after myself and the house. Thats all I can really manage at this point, and its not that much when I can keep up with it. I often can't. Even traveling to appointments is incredibly difficult, and they are all in town still. Dont know what ill do if I have to go out of town, best not to think about it right now.

I probably should have known this health scare was coming because the bad flare was lasting a lot longer then it normally does and in hindsight, I felt the medication seemingly not doing as much, but live and learn I suppose. I'll know to keep an eye on it for next time. Hopefully things get better soon, hopefully this is it and there won't be a next time. The new meds are promising at least.

[pipsqueakparker]

just some rambles & reflection on the past almost-year of my life

last year there was a friday 13th in october and it was the night one of my friends released a book. so we drove about 30-40 minutes south to a city to celebrate her book launch, except as we were trying to find the right place to be i got a phone call.

it was my nephew. not my 'real' nephew, if we're assuming 'real' has to mean 'blood'. i was still getting to know this kid, they're the kid my roommate used to basically raise. (she was a live in nanny, but the mother sucked major fucking ass so the only person raising those kids in any decent manner was my roommate.) she calls them her nephew, (or nibling, the more accurate one, but no one understands 'nibling' and we live an in an area where all of the educating we have to do to exist is exhausting enough, so we don't often choose this battle). but you all understand, so i'll say nibling. she calls them her nibling, so they are my nibling by association. and unbeknownst to me, this kid... clung. now, they were 10 when i met them, and at that point in time they were my roommate's shadow. (their sister was the one that clung to me when they were young). but at this point, they're 17 and they're also non-binary and queer and confused and i don't get anxiety from phone calls so when they need to talk they call me. so we're standing in the middle of some city ive never been to in vermont, and my phone is ringing, and it's my nibling.

and i know it's not good, because it's almost 9 pm and when i answer, they're crying. and it takes a few tries, but i finally gather that their mother kicked them out and they're walking in the middle of the woods, and we're forty minutes away from them but they need us so we book it. i send apologies to my friends that were waiting to see me for a little mfa crew celebration, but family emergency. (they all understand, because my mfa family is full of amazing people.)

we're on the interstate going as fast as legally allowed, and maybe even a little faster than that. i tell my nibling we're on our way, we're pretty far, but we're on our way. they say their friend is calling them, so i let them go answer. and at that point, my roommate's phone is ringing, her friend is calling, and she answers because her friends lives 10 minutes away from us. 'are you home?' but no, the friend is not at home... she's actually driving out near our nibling's house. we give her the recap, she finds our nibling and drives them over to our apartment. the new one that we just moved into, where our landlords are reasonable human beings that won't threaten to evict us because we have a family member over for more than two days at a time.

that was friday october 13 2023 - and today is friday september 13 2024. a month away from our new adult child's gotcha day. from the anniversary of officially forming this weird little family unit that we have. and it's been really difficult, because we are all traumatized individuals - and some of our traumas are really similar, some of us have the same abusers, and throughout this entire year we've been hit with bombshell after bombshell of just how fucking horrific my nibling's womb donor truly is. and it has been hard to figure out how to live with and around each other, figure out the dynamics and come to terms with the truth behind the lies we were all told.

but next month will make a year, and so today we saw a sick ass friday 13th tattoo flash sale and decided we'd all go as some kind of redemption trip. have a good friday 13th! okay well, about that... turns out, that was a sketch-fest, so we drove all the way out (back to that exact same city where i got the call nearly a year ago) just to turn back around because i have gotten tattoos in really sketchy studios but i drew the line at someone's studio apartment. so we go to chipotle instead, 'cause we're finally near chipotle. and the nibling is pissed, fuming, on top of the trauma they have the adhd that makes it so very hard to regulate their emotions and they. hate. change. and chipotle was weird. but it was delicious. and we were all laughing by the time we left, then went to spirit halloween. then walked all the way around hobby lobby trying to find a place to piss just to find out the bathrooms were actually right next to the front door, and then some middle-aged WASPy woman stared me down as i waited for everyone to come back out so we could leave the store. i was spotted as the queer atheist i am and she was trying to get the building to burn me, i swear. those were her vibes.

anyway. it wasn't a perfect day, and there were still disappointments, and i still kind of feel like tearing my skin off because i'm just overwhelmed, but none of that ruined the day the way it once would have. and even the nibling ended the day with a smile and a 'love you' before bed, and it's just moments like this that i like to reflect on how far we've come. my therapist says i need to acknowledge myself more, so i'll acknowledge that one day not too long ago, i would've let the whole day be ruined the moment i felt uncomfortable because i needed to shower. but instead of giving in, today i just kept pushing and as it turns out, the good does outweigh the bad.

[manwhorror]

im rapidly approaching another transitional phase in my life (graduating college, and moving back home) and im thinking about the previous transitional phases of my life and how important those little slots of time were to my development.

i think when you change environments or situations it gives you a new opportunity to reinvent yourself. not that you can't do that at any time, but there's a gap that you can slip through unnoticed while no one is looking to do so. its almost embarrassing to change yourself in broad sweeps while other people are paying attention to you. like a change in self has to happen over a period of time on accident, instead of a deliberate calculation of like... okay where do i want to go from here. i guess no one wants to be seen as self-obsessed. i have always been weird about being perceived as self-obsessed. im not entirely sure why. i think partially the misogyny i endured in my upbringing (how dare you, a girl, give a fuck about yourself in a world where no one gives a fuck about girls.)

i have also been very weird about calculating my life. i tried to stop doing this, because it became such a weird thing, but most of my thoughts are thought in past tense. i don't know when it started, but its almost like i think as if im giving an interview to someone else about my life as an old person. its embarrassing to talk about and i feel very exposed doing so. its like i calculate every move and if someone finds out im not actually acting as naturally as im actually pretending to be ill be found out as a fraud. i act as though im being seen through a camera at all times, viewing myself in third person. that's another thing i tried to stop doing. ive done that my whole life. i think that's another thing really tied up with gender. i think it started as an anxious thing, and as i was starting to question my gender it was sort of a self-policing of my femininity, then when i transitioned it was a self-policing of both my femininity and masculinity. i had to try to see myself in the eyes of others to guess at how i was being perceived. and moment by moment, person by person, it was different. i had to act accordingly, or they would tell that something was "off." if i thought they saw me as a girl, i would act accordingly, and vice versa. since i began to pass ive been able to shake this off a bit, but im still wary of the way im perceived. (especially as a bi man who is read as gay frequently.)

one of the first big life transitions i experienced was around the time that i came out as trans. these were two, quite frankly horrible events that happened so unexpectedly that i don't think i ever really left the whiplash from them. one of which was my parents' divorce, which was shocking and out of the blue to begin with, and hard for any child to grapple with, but made worse with the sudden and horrifying sickness and death of a family member only a few months later.

i often think about how my life would be if these two things didn't happen. would i be better off? worse? im really not sure. they felt like a change in the timeline, or some disruption of reality that i never fully returned to. in some way, i turned my heart off when my family member got sick, and it never really recovered from that. at the same time... i don't think i could remove these events in my life. the massive change and the distraction to my parents gave me the cover i needed to fully reinvent myself when it was much, much needed. i was able to leave behind an identity that was uncomfortable and reinvent myself out of the spotlight, and out of the way.

i think big life changes can also offer a new sense of perspective on the world. especially big, earth-shattering changes like death or other griefworthy events. i recently experienced another loss in my personal life. something that has sort of made the world feel different again. the wound is too fresh to make a commentary on it quite yet, and like i said ive been trying to quit that anyway.

i hope the next segment in my life is good. i don't want to keep defining chapters of my life by tragedy.

[sehunniepotwrites]

hi nikki!!! i vanished again for a rly long time cuz its rly busy and crunch season for me in uni rn :/ how have you been!! hope youve gotten better since the last time we talked :")

i had 4 assessments last week like one on wednesday and THREE on friday it rly felt like acads was sucking the life out of me >< i hope you dont mind me ranting a little but this sem has rly been by far the worst semester in my uni life like ive been tryna stay all positive and focus on the good things that happened but fr NOTHING good has been happening :"( its rly a pain going through all these days and its like the skies r tryna play tricks on me even when it comes to small daily stuff.. like id just be minding my own business and walking somewhere and then someone spills water all over my shoes, or after finally managing to find an empty spot to study at, the charging plug at the table just refuses to work, or the chairs r spoilt and like.... IM SO DONE :"( and it sux even more cuz daylight savings have caused the time difference between me and my boyfie to increase and its alm like we can never find the right pocket of time to communicate anymore and its rly taking a toll on me mentally. sigh... like literally all the stress and discomfort has caused me to lose my appetite and ive lost alm 10kgs in the past 2 months..

i hope after going through all these, things would only be better and would make me happier after a long long time.. and id be able to learn how to express myself and speak my emotions properly again cuz im rly rly emotionally constipated rn.

<3, 🍑

hihihi lil peach!!!

it's okay, i totally understand crunch szn for uni--went through it one too many times. i'm sick yet again (thus the woes of being a kindy teacher, the germs!! it's my 6th time getting sick this school year) but i'm writing again! the inspo finally came back to me <333

i complete empathize w you--sometimes it's really hard to stay positive when all is going to shit. and with people telling you to look on the bright side makes it even harder because you could try and try to no avail. i'm so sorry this is happening to you, whatever you're feeling is so valid. i'm glad you see me as a safe space to come and talk about these things. i hope things begin to look up for you soon and that your 2024 is filled with happier days, good health, and prosperity.

when i feel like this, which is quite often, i turn back to journaling or asking myself these questions (they're questions i've learned as an elementary teacher, trying to understand the feelings of my kiddos):

what am i feeling right now? i use the mood meter (you can look it up on google and they'll be some good ones)

why am i feeling this way? (get down to the root of it) "i am feeling _ because _."

what is one immediate thing i can do to get me out of this mood? is there something physical i can do? an immediate fix? or is there a step i can take?

"next time i feel this way, i can _"

[pesterloglog]

John Egbert, Jade Harley, Karkat Vantas

Act 4, page 1525

ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

GT: hey, happy birthday jade!

GG: yay thank you john!!!!! :D

GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time.

GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too.

GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that??? you are running me ragged!

GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that!

GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately.

GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)

GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!!!!!

GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait!

GT: oh man.

GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff.

GT: ARGH.

GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!

GT: ok well i hope so.

GG: <3......

GG: uhhhh hold on

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]

CG: WAIT GOD DAMMIT DON'T BLOCK ME.

CG: I MEAN NOT THAT BLOCKING ME WOULD DO ANYTHING.

CG: BUT JUST LISTEN.

GG: what do you want?????

CG: I JUST HAVE TO DELIVER A MESSAGE AND THEN I'LL GO.

CG: IT IS A MESSAGE FROM YOU, SO YOU PROBABLY OUGHT TO LISTEN.

GG: this is nonsense

GG: every time i believe something you say you laugh at me and call me a gullible human!!!!

GG: its so childish

CG: OK FINE I ADMIT IT, I COMPLETELY SHIT THE BED HERE.

CG: I GET THAT.

CG: AND I CAN'T PROMISE I WON'T KEEP TROLLING YOU.

CG: CAUSE I WILL, IN WEEKS OR MONTHS OR WHATEVER.

CG: I'LL KEEP GIVING YOU A HARD TIME, BUT SEE THAT WON'T BE PRESENT ME.

CG: THAT'S PAST ME.

CG: FROM LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO OR SO, WHEN I WAS MORE HOT AND BOTHERED ABOUT ALL THIS, OK?

GG: D:

GG: i dont know what youre talking about at all.....

GG: its another prank

CG: WHATEVER, FINE, THINK IT'S A PRANK.

CG: AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION.

CG: SEE WE'RE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU IN THE FUTURE, AND IT'S IMPORTANT, BUT YOU WON'T ANSWER US.

CG: SO WE TALKED TO YOU WAAAY IN THE FUTURE TO ASK HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH NOT-SO-FUTURE YOU.

CG: ARE YOU FOLLOWING?

GG: no

CG: SHE SAID TO TALK TO YOU NOW AND TELL YOU THIS.

CG: YOU KNOW YOUR ROBOT?

GG: you mean the robot you think is stupid?

GG: the one youve mocked me for having on a number of occasions???

CG: YEAH, WELL I STILL DO THINK YOUR ROBOT IS STUPID.

CG: BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT.

CG: LATER ON IT WILL BLOW UP FOR SOME REASON. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY.

GG: this is the worst prank youve ever pulled!!!!!!

CG: QUIET.

CG: ANYWAY, WHEN IT HAPPENS YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

CG: THE THING TO DO IS TO CONTACT US.

CG: AND WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

GG: why should i do that?

CG: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD US TO TELL YOU.

CG: WHATEVER, BELIEVE ME, DON'T BELIEVE ME, I DID MY JOB.

CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG]

GG: ok im back sorry

GG: i had to tell someone to go away!

GT: oh god.

GT: the trolls again?

GG: yup :o

GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately.

GT: it seems like there are so many.

GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts.

GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!!!

GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy

GG: i have counted twelve

GT: what do they want with us!!!

GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john

GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!!

GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever.

GG: but i think they are mostly harmless

GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe

GT: oh wow, what? years??

GT: ok, well i am sick of them.

GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off.

GT: so...

GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.

[ursacanid]

I feel the same way. I was literally just talking to my girlfriend last night about my ideal weight/body type lol

TW for talk about medication side effects, disordered eating behavior, and hospitalization/psych wards

Ok, so Im about 206 right now. My goal is to be around 218-225 with a combo of fat and muscle. Im getting back on testosterone (hopefully today!!!) and that helped TONS when I was on it before with gaining muscle weight and redistributing fat. I am 5'5" for reference. I am having bloodwork done and a physical in a few weeks, but generally my weight has not been correlated with any of my health problems in the past.

Here are my reasons for my weight preference:

•Throughout a good bit of my teen years my weight was heavily impacted by psychiatric overmedication and a distorted sense of introception. I was unable to tell when I was hungry and when I wasnt, especially on certain med cocktails. I had times where eating was strenuos because I had to force myself to do it, and I had times where I was constantly hungry. There were times that Id eat so little or such a slim variety of foods that it'd mess with my bloodwork. There were times that I couldnt feel full ever and ate until I got sick. My weight fluctuated from 150-300 back and farth over the course of a few years. Anytime I hit a steady weight, it fluctuated within the next few months. I liked how I looked and felt between 218-225, but there was nothing I could do to maintain it with how frequently my meds changed and how they impacted me. Twas torture.

Sometimes I wonder if part of my general dysphoria is from being stuck in places without mirrors for months at a time with an ever changing body and no access to self maintenance outside of showering. No haircuts, no outfit changes, no self expression outside of my art and talking. Id come out of every long hospital stay relearning what I looked like. My hair grown out. My body typically a different size with different marks. It was disorienting on top of already being perpetually disoriented.

•I have sensory processing issues. I often feel like my body is larger than it is, both in height and weight. Not body dysmorphia, more so like phantom body. Im typically bear sized mentally. (shocker lmao) I honestly experience this sensation more fequently than typical phantom limbs. It impacts how I physically interact with things. I think im larger and stronger than I am, so I will sometimes grab something and be surprised by how light my touch is or I will wobble a lot because I am compensating for weight and size that isnt there. I feel physically unstable at smaller weights. I just cant keep track of my body well. I like to be able to feel my footsteps. Cant do that when my brain registers anything under 200 as being a feather.

•Gender dysphoria is a bitch and Ive got an hourglass that extra weight makes less prominent.

•Gender euporia is (๑·̀㉨·́ฅ✧ and I like how my happy trail looks on my belly.

•Species euphoria is also (๑·̀㉨·́ฅ✧ and being chonky brings out that dog in me... and the bear.

•Ive just generally really liked bigger bodies my whole life. Skinny just has never been my taste for physical attraction. I want to feel attractive to myself. Generally being plus sized makes me feel more comfortable in my skin.

I dont think a preference is instantly a fetish, but honestly that might just be my take because of the connotation I have around the word "fetish".

It can become an issue if your bodytype preference starts negatively impacting your current mental and physical state. It is important to still support the body you have now in pursuit of your goals.

It is a beautiful experience to love yourself into existence. You arent iron to be forged, but something ever growing that needs water, not fire.

(separate analogy from your mentioning of the iron forging, not a reference) @zith-ipeth

//TW I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT WEIGHT AND FOOD// What does it take? / Three years ago, today

I hate the front pages of social media

every other post is someone running away from a body I want, I see my before in their after and my after in their before. I see a girl in the mirror eating half a meal a day because "maybe I have a figure somewhere under all this skin and muscle and fat" I see a girl in my room, by my bed, by my mirror, looking at herself and saying

"I'm lucky to have a body like this, cis girls want this, I should want this"

I want to be fat... fuck that sounds stupid. would it sound stupid if someone a bit above my size said they wanted to be skinny? No you would say "Great good job get it girl" or whatever. but why is what I want not normal not healthy not ok. is it not ok because I'm at a "healthy weight"? while what if I was at that same healthy weight and said I wanted to be, say, 130 pounds. that would be an admirable, amazing, great goal. but saying that I want to be around 190 pounds, that's...

weird

maybe it's a fetish?

but you're healthy now dear...

I use to not be healthy though

I was a girl in a mirror, half a skeleton, I'm already getting into numbers so why stop now, I was 107 and 5'10. 15.4 bmi. I was...

such a pretty girl

wow you have such a shape

kinda lean muscle...

I didn't have any of that I had a BORDERLINE EATING DISORDER.

after a lot of mental work, I decided to gain weight, I started estrogen and started eating when I was hungry until I was full. I started gaining weight and at first that was scary, stretch marks were scary, and growing out of clothes was scary, I knew I wanted a type of body in the end but the between was strange and treacherous. but somebody loved my body enough for both me, and them, and eventually, after a year or two, I learned to love it.

I gained around 60 pounds, my body's mad at me still, my stretch marks are red and sensitive to the touch. but here I am, at what is medically considered a healthy weight and...

I want to gain a little more.

I've loved my body more and more the more weight I gained, so why is it that I should just stop at an arbitrary number made up by a FUCKING ASTRONOMER AND STATISTICIAN. I love having a tummy that rolls because I never used to have that, I love my thighs touching because they used to just be skin and bone, I love the hanging fat on my arms because its something magical and new and beautiful. I love how I look nude, I love my body unbound and without its drapes and wrappings, its so pretty and fun.

Now I get it, I'm not exactly facing oppression, (NOT SAYING FATPHOBIA ISN'T OPPRESSIVE, more that, I don't experience fatphobia,) I'm straight-sized as they come, but even then, I still feel weird when I wear crop tops sometimes, I still get comments when I eat a full plate of food, I still get comments when I go for seconds and I SOMEHOW EVEN AS SMALL AS I AM SOCIETY SEEMS TO SMALL FOR ME.

So I guess that's it, I want to be fat because I view that body type positively, it's not fetishistic it's not a kink it's just a goal, like losing weight. I want to be fat because the way my body would feel, the way I would move, would dress, would live, would be better for me

I think.

And like fuck it if im wrong whatever, my body is as moldable as it will ever be, I can just go back to where I am now.

But I dont think I want to

I hate to watch people run away from what I run towards, as if its scary, as if it's gross. Equally, I find it painful to watch people run toward what I ran away from as if it's innately more beautiful, more divine

Youre beautiful, and if you want to change yourself that's beautiful too, but sometimes I feel bad for flinching over peoples individual changes and choices. its just painful to watch sometimes, I guess. Painful to look at someone and see a mirror image of how you thought, and who you were

three years ago,

today

[abcdosaka]

i have not posted on here in a while. idk various things have happened. but heres the most recent stuff.

this is sorta fresh (literally 2 days ago) but im mostly over it i think? i made a hinge account and briefly talked to this girl and i liked talking to her but i think i just dont know how to rizz someone up, or maybe ik and i dont have the courage to do it so i gotta play nice girl from the start. and i think our second phone call i was just kinda lacking in energy and i wasn’t texting her too often either. but at the end of it she was like lets just be friends going forward.

i havent really had any experiences before, like real ones where i was the one initiating everything, so it hurt, kinda like getting rejected for a job interview. i was like ig im just not outgoing or funny or charming enough but damn we talked like twice on the phone, we never even met up, that quick huh.

tbh i think i initiated slightly more and she was less interested and she also made it pretty clear she wasnt sure about getting into a relationship. idk its not worth analyzing. we do have a lot of similar tastes but if she wants to be friends she has to initiate and i might blow her off anyway i dont feel like talking to her anymore lol. or maybe ill respond but just really slowly. ik its giving nice guy/friendzoned. ehhh i might respond she was nice/friendly enough i just need time to get over it fully. i think this is a lets see how im feeling in a week situation. to be fair sometimes good friendships pop up out of bad experiences for me like i thought D was a huge dick when i first met him but we got along well for the time we knew each other

idk i would rather have someone who knows what they want and is certain about it too. but in the first place i dont even want to talk to ppl like its such a hassle texting randoms multiple days in a row. i got a couple other likes and i just ignored them. ive ghosted two ppl bc i just was sick of the texting going nowhere.

tbh i think im just sad bc my ego’s a little bruised. but idk that happens to me easily like applying for a job sucks and it hurts to get rejected and having a job kinda sucks too but its required. relationships, kinda the same but i dont think its required? they never seemed that great or fun or loving to me, prob bc my parents hated each other for 90% of my childhood. even when i see relationships in fiction im like oh cute but idk if i really need that.

im more upset that i dont really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. and im upset s didnt wanna meet over reading week. like besties for 10 years but you couldnt free up a space for me even tho i asked like 3 weeks ago. idk if i can even call us besties. i used to be so insecure abt what kinda friendship we had but now im kinda sick of this. maybe i should ask. i kinda hate feeling needy or sounding clingy though. idk i was pretty friendly in my response

she didnt even receive it T_T

idk she hasnt responded to any messages frequently for the past month so shes probably really busy but ugh i fucking hate this. i just wish she’d check in for once like “hey sorry ive just been really busy the past month and havent had the energy or time to respond but hopefully ill have some time soon”. cuz the thing is its kinda typical of her to flake/be distant/antisocial. like after we graduated hs she ignored my messages for a month and she promised not to do that again. and when we hung out for the last time before i moved for uni she overslept and i think shes done that two or three times since. its really frustrating when we dont get to see each other than often. so if i ask her its gonna be like this is an isolated incident but its not and im prob not gonna see her again after i graduate uni bc i wanna move across the country. and we almost never call bc everytime i ask she doesnt want to. i think thats just her hating calling but how tf else are we supposed to stay in contact when we live in different cities??? and texting for hours on end is fking annoying? same difference ik a bit hypocritical there but also, calling means u can multitask but texting means u have to focus solely on texting unless you wanna respond every 2 hours or even worse, every 5 minutes, theres no flow unless you pay full attention to texting.

and the thing that sucks even harder. is that we had a mutual friend, j, who was her BESTIE for middle school and almost all of highschool. (i had a crush on this chick btw but never told her and i kinda stopped talking to her in senior year). and j did the same fucking thing like she decided she didnt wanna talk to people she knew before highschool anymore and basically just slowly cut s out of her life. and s was so upset abt it she told me abt it a lot

see the thing is if i do confront her about ALL of this, i  think its gonna go the worst way possible. like we will slowly drift apart and im gonna lose my closest friend who probably doesnt even consider me at least one of her closest friends. and then im fucked. i mean im not fucked but im starting from ground zero.its really hard not having someone you know you can rely on. altho maybe shes not the most reliable and ive been coping by pretending im independent and dont need anyone for emotional shit. maybe im just catastrophizing. like on one hand, i truly am unsure enough abt our friendship that idk if she’d make an effort after i move real far. but on the other hand i am a known pessimist and i suck at this people bullshit. so idk if i should ask or not.

ugh i shouldnt have wrote this. i was like “if i go in depth on this post i wont be able to stop and then im gonna cry and i dont wanna cry. i should try to keep it light.” like lol. at least it was good practice for typeracer. im gonna do one race and go to sleep. this is frustrating

[just-emilia]

thought about my future for two seconds (bc if i really do end up graduating in april then what. WHAT?!) and now I feel super off-kilter weird bad

[i-cant-sing]

Yandere Rei Hurting Reader Pt2

Yes yes. Its out now. I won't delete this one. Enjoy!

Part 1 is here. Part 3 here.

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

Yandere Todoroki Clan:

It had been so awful at first. So hard for everyone to adjust to the new change. Of course, it was especially difficult for you to adapt to the new circumstances.

When you had first woken up after the unfortunate incident, approximately 3 days later, you didn't expect to be home so soon. You expected- you hoped that you would wake up in the hospital and have them call the authorities. Then again, you also didn't expect never being able to use your eyes again.

Shotou was the first one to notice when you had woken up from your coma. He hadn't left your side since the accident. He jumped from his seat beside you and held the glass of water to your lips when you tried to speak. The family came rushing in when he called for them, announcing that you had woken up. You could hear Fuyumi and her crying tears of joy as Natsuo came to check your vitals. You knew your eyes were bandaged, which was expected because of the hot oil that was poured on them, but when you asked Natsuo when they were coming off, he went silent. Your heart sank when he told you what had happened, how your eyes were fucking fried to the point that the arteries supplying them were also destroyed, which meant they couldn't be replaced, ever.

You screamed a lot that day; you would've cried but you didn't have any tear ducts. You didn't let anyone touch you at first, especially Rei. You would scream, throw yourself away from her if you felt her come near you. Eventually, Natsuo put some sort of tranquilliser into your IV, finally calming you down.

Being blind was hard, you knew that. But you didn't know that it would also be this humiliating. After the accident, they had starting infantalizing you even more, doing the most miniscule things for you.

Shotou would be the first person who greeted you in the morning and usually the last person to put you to bed at night. He would carry you around everywhere you go, telling you its simply unsafe for you to walk on your own. Sure you bumped into the furniture a few times and it was a bit hard maintaining your balance, but that didn't mean you needed him to carry you around everywhere. You had asked him to get you a cane, but he only said "why do you need a stick when you have me? Just tell me where you want to go". 

Each morning, Shotou would take you down the stairs to the toilet and more often than not, have Fuyumi come and help you, even for brushing your teeth. Then he would take you to the dining table where everyone is waiting for you. Fuyumi would give your breakfast to Shotou, who would cut it up and feed you. Once you're done eating, you would wait for Shotou to finish his food. During breakfast, everyone would make small talk while you remained quiet. After everyone's finished eating, Fuyumi and Rei would take dishes to sink. You would've helped, but everyone's pretty much forbidden you from entering the kitchen.

Shotou would then carry you either to his room or the living room, where he would turn on the TV and tell you what's happening. But since this always makes you remember how you don't have eyes, he would usually just read you some book. Somehow, they're always about princesses and fairytales. You were getting sick of hearing them.

Fuyumi would later come and fetch you, and take you to your bath. While you would be cleaning yourself, after politely declining help from Fuyumi each time, she would be out preparing your clothes for the day. She would explain to you what you're wearing and how you look, and how she's going to style your hair. As if any of these things mattered to you. But even if they did, its not like you'd have a say in anything.

You still remember the first time you were taking a bath, after finally convincing Fuyumi to let you have the "luxury" to clean yourself up. You finally had some time for yourself, alone and away from the rest of the house. You sank in the warm water in the tub, allowing yourself to relax. The privacy was comforting, but not long lasting, as you felt cold hands touch your shoulders. In an instant, you jumped away screaming. "GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY! GET AWAY!" Rei tried coming closer to you but you kept on screeching at the top of your lungs, alerting the whole house. "FUYUMI! SHOTOU! GET HER AWAY! SHOTOU GET HER AWAY!" At that point you didn't even care if they saw you nude, they just need to save you from her. The siblings rushed to the bathroom and upon seeing your huddled form in the corner and their mother sobbing, Fuyumi hastily covered you with a towel while Shotou took Rei out of there.

Shotou tried to make you understand that Rei was just trying to help you. That she just missed you and wanted to take care of you. He was basically telling you not to be afraid of her, and that your trauma is not valid. You stopped talking to him after that, only spoke when absolutely necessary.  

Natsuo would pick you up after your bath while Fuyumi went to make lunch. He would check your eyes (or lack there of), put on some ointments and replace the bandages with fresh ones. Fuyumi would come with your lunch and after she'd fed you, Natsuo would give you your medicine. They always make you sleepy, so you'd be put down for a nap.

Dabi wasn't always around, but when he was, he was still the asshole he was before. He would move your things to different places, or place stuff in your way so that'd you'd trip (he always caught you before you face planted), all so that you would ask him for help he could get a rise out of you. But you would just sigh and move on.

Enji liked to take you to the garden and read you books and newspapers. It was alright you guess, but you wanted to do something yourself, especially since they still didn't take you out of the house. You had asked him for a Braille, but he only replied "You don't need to stress yourself with that. I'll always be there to read you whatever you want." 

If Enji's running late, then Shotou would take you to the swings in the garden, pushing you as he tells what happened at school or with friends. After dinner, you’d be forced to spend some more time with your siblings, before you’d be tucked into bed.

That has been the routine for the past 6 months since your accident. And the family really felt like everything was returning to normal. It was, for them. This is how they always wanted things to happen: you, locked up in the house while they stripped you of all autonomy and infantalized you to the point where it was harming you, both physically and mentally. Your body was growing weak, your muscles got easily fatigued from their lack of use. And the pills Natsuo gave you didn't really help the case. They made you sleepy, and you think they even caused hallucinations since you felt like someone was in your room or someone was playing with your hair.

Even though you were stuck at home all day, you still never talked to Rei. Well she tried, but you would be the one to always flinch away. She wouldn't address herself when she entered your room, but you would still feel her lurking around the corners. And why should you acknowledge her? Especially after what she's done? 

Enji wasnt ignorant of your condition. He could see how quiet you had gotten, and how scared you were of Rei. He was getting worried for you. What were you thinking about? Enji knew if he didn't talk to you, things will get worse.

You were sitting by the lounge window with Fuyumi who was telling you about her day. Fuyumi greeted him when he came in the room. "Hey, dad!" Enji nodded. "Fuyumi, would you leave us? I'd like to talk to Y/n." Fuyumi nodded, pressing a kiss to your forehead before she left the room, only Enji noticing how you stiffened at her affection. He sat beside you and cleared his throat. "How are you?" "Fine. You?"you softly asked. "I'm good, too. I wanted to talk to you about something. About...your mom." "My mom's dead." Enji cleared his throat. "I meant Rei." "Oh. What about her?" "Why haven't you been talking to her?" You remained silent. “What happened was an accident-” “It wasnt an accident. An accident is spilling milk. Not pouring hot oil in someone’s eyes.” Enji knew this was coming.“She didn’t do it on purpose-” You cut him off again. “She did! She knew exactly what she was doing.” “Why would she do that?” “I don’t know. She hates me or something.” Enji grabbed your hand gently. “You know that's not true. Rei loves you very much and she cares about you a lot.” You didn't say anything. “Do you remember the day you came to our house?” You nodded. “Yeah. It was a few days after my parents funeral.” “Yes. And do you remember what Rei said to you?” You stiffened before nodding again. “She said that she may not be my real mother, but she’ll love me more than anyone ever has and ever will. Always.” “Yes. And has she not? Has she not loved you more than anyone?” You nodded slowly as Enji continued. “Between you and me, she’s always favoured you among all of your siblings.” You smiled at that. “So, are you willing to give your mother a chance?” You paused for a few minutes. “I- I cant.” Enji sighed. “Look. I know you’re scared. I understand. I know you want to blame Rei for what happened, but believe me when I tell you it wasn't her fault. It was an accident.” You shook your head. “And what if another “accident” like that happens again? And what if I dont survive this time? And what if-” Your voice broke down. Enji pulled you into his lap. “It won't. I promise. And if something like that does occur, I’ll be there to stop it.” Enji pressed a kiss to your hair. “I’ll save you. I promise.”

With Enji's persuasion, you had started mending your relationship with Rei again. Sure, you still flinched when she touched you and you were still hesitant to initiate conversations with her, but none of that bothered Rei. You were trusting her again, and she was more than happy to do more on her part to make you comfortable.

And you won't lie, but life was better with Rei. She knew when Dabi or Shotou were becoming too overbearing, or when Natsuo was fussing over you for no reason. She was there to stop Fuyumi from chatting your ear away, and knew when to stop Enji from feeding you too many sweets.

And Enji could see that Rei was sorry for what she did. He saw how she would often massage ointments on your face, her fingers barely tracing the charred area around your eyes before pulling away quickly. And other times, like today, as he stood by your bedroom door, he saw how gentle she was with you as she tucked you into your bed. He kissed his wife once she had left your room. "How are my girls doing?" Enji asked Rei in a hushed voice, not wanting to wake you up. Rei smiled. "Good." They slowly started walking back to their room. "Shes an angel, Enji. So sweet." Enji hummed in agreement. "Can I tell you something?" Enji stopped and turned to face his wife. He raised an eyebrow. "I'm kind of glad what happened...to her." Rei was smiling. "She's so much better like this. So docile now. I...I don't regret what I did, you know?" Enji's blood ran cold. "Rei... dont tell me- you didn't do that on purpose, did you?" Rei nodded, a bit too eagerly. "I know, I know. It wasn't ethical. And if I could, I would've taken away her pain in a heartbeat. But you must agree that its much better now, right?" Enji couldn't believe what Rei was confessing. "I mean, look at her now. She doesn't even try running away. She knows- she feels safer with us, inside." Rei sighed, running a hand through her hair. "I thought that maybe it wouldn't come to this. I thought that after Touya took care of her parents, she'd be a bit more scared to be outside on her own. That's why we told her they died in a car crash." Rei rested her cheek on his chest. "It scares me what I'm willing to do for her, Enji." Enji knew Dabi had something to do with what happened to your parents, but knowing Rei had a hand in it too, or more precisely, she was the one who told Touya to get rid of them. Enji didn't know what to do with this new side of his wife. But he did know he had to keep her hidden from you, so he ushered his wife to their bedroom, not knowing you had already heard them.

You had realised a couple of things that night. One, Rei and Dabi had murdered your parents. Two, Rei pouring the hot oil in your eyes wasn't some sort of psychotic episode. Three, Enji and the others were going to take Rei's side, no matter what.

A few weeks later, your birthday came around. The siblings had left the house to get some things for your birthday party, leaving you in the care of their parents. Rei was in the kitchen cooking up a whole feast for you, while you sat beside Enji in the lounge as he read the newspaper. Enji had already given you your present. It was giant teddy bear with chocolates from Belgium. They were utterly delicious. When you stood up, he asked you where you were going. You pointed at the box of chocolates in your hand. "I'm going to share them with, mom. Unless, thats not okay?"you asked meekly. Enji still wasn't all that comfortable with letting you and Rei be alone, especially after her confession. But... if he doesn't let you go to her alone, you'll always be afraid of her. And its not like Rei will hurt you again, right? Besides, the kitchen is just down the hallway. He's sure nothing will happen. He nodded. "Okay. Should I walk you there?" "No. Its down the hall. I think I'll be fine on my own." Enji then allowed you to go, telling you to call for him if you need anything.

Rei was chopping up some vegetables when she heard your footsteps. She turned around to find you standing just outside the kitchen. "Hey, angel! What are you doing here?" You remained outside the kitchen as you spoke. "I wanted to share these chocolates dad got for me. W-would you like some?" Oh, you're so kind. Rei quickly wiped her hands on a kitchen towel before walking towards you and leading you to the dining room in front of the kitchen. She helped you sit down before taking a seat next to you. "You want me to have your chocolates? But didn't daddy gift them to you?" You bit your lip as you replied. "Well yes, but I- I wanted to share them with you so that I could- I wanted to thank you for taking care of me. And for loving me. I would've gotten you something else but I'm not allowed to go outside..."you mumbled the last sentence, but that didn't matter as Rei quickly hugged you. "Oh honey! You're so sweet!" Rei took a piece of chocolate from the box that you had extended towards her. "And these chocolates are so delicious! Daddy really loves to spoil you, doesnt he?" Rei pinched your cheek gently. You smiled. "I'm glad you liked them. Especially, after all you've done for me. You deserve them more than I do, honestly." Rei stopped at that. "Honey...what are you talking about?" You smiled. "What? Am I not saying the truth? You deserve these chocolates, and all the sweets and flowers and medals for being the best mother." You popped a chocolate into your mouth before continuing. "After all, the criteria is very high. You need to not only have the intent to kill for your child, but you also have to commit murder. Then kidnap your child and force her to bide to your rules. And if she misbehaves, you must punish her as well, right? Because good behaviour gets chocolate," You popped another chocolate into your mouth. "And bad behaviour gets your eyes fried."

Rei just stared at you in disbelief. H-how did you- you didn't hear them talking last night did you? Or did Dabi tell you? Rei stared at you as you ate another piece of chocolate. "I wonder after you've killed me, will you be given chocolates or flowers?" "D-darling, w-what are you saying? I would never hurt you!" You chuckled darkly. "No no. You've done it before and I know you'll do it again. After all, it scares you what you're willing to do for me." You caressed her cheeks, and when you felt her tears, you wiped them. "I'm not saying you have the intention to kill me. No, you'll just hurt me again, another little accident, but this time I won't survive. I just hope you'll bury me somewhere where there's a lot of fresh air, maybe on a hill with a view?" Rei finally broke down at that, falling to her knees as she clung to your legs. "Please! Y/n please forgive me! Please baby, I- I just wanted the best for you. I don't want you to die, I- I promise I'll never hurt you again! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Please baby, I'll do anything. Just forgive me!" You sighed. "Anything? I don't think you mean that." Rei nodded her vigorously, tears falling everywhere. "I do! I do! Just tell me what to do!" You tapped your chin, pretending to think. "Bring a knife. A sharp one." Rei's eyes widened. "W-What?" "Well...its only right for you to be punished as well. To atone for your sins, right?" "O-okay." Rei went to the kitchen and brought a big knife with her. "Lock the door." She did as you told her. You extended your palm, waiting for her to place the knife. She did. You stood up, right in front of Rei. You told her to stand against a wall, and she followed. You played with the sharp end if the knife. "I want to hurt you. I want to hurt you so bad. I want you to feel the pain, the hell you've put me through." This is it, Rei thought, you're going to kill her. For some reason, she was okay with that. "I want you to know you failed. I want you to know you're a bad mother. A selfish, bad mother." Rei was full on sobbing now. "Look at me. I want you to remember this." And with that you raised the knife before stabbing yourself in the gut, two screams ripping through the manor. Rei shot towards you, her hands trying to pull the knife away. "What did you do?! What did you do?!" Rei was crying. Enji was banging on the locked door for a few seconds before he burned it down and the sight he was met with...was nothing short of a nightmare.

There you layed on the floor, blood sputtering from your mouth, your shirt stained with blood and Rei. Rei, who was hunched over your body, with a bloody knife in her hand, crying out "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!".

Enji rushed towards you, pushing Rei back roughly. You were coughing up blood, your head turned away from him until you felt him touch your face. "D-daddy..."you whimpered out before your breathing came to a stop.

"No. No." Enji quickly gathered your limp body in his arms, running out of the house towards a hospital. He kept on chanting "no", because he didn't want to believe that he failed to protect you.

That he failed to save his daughter, again.

I had 5 different endings in my mind and Idc if this isn't your preferred ending (the ending I had in my mind was something out of Quentin Tarantino's movie). I'm just glad to be done with it.

Anyways, exams are coming up and I'm not going to be posting a lot.

And ill be taking up your follow up questions/asks for this part! I'll also be answering godfather hawks asks now that this part is out.

[thewertsearch]

John's handle is EB, but in Jade's dream, it shows up as GT, the inverse of Dave's handle. GodtechTurnhead?

This could be how future information filters through Jade's subconscious. John is going to change his handle sometime in the future, and Jade's going to be curiously unsurprised by this.

Months in the past...

Months in the past, John made a huge mess, apparently. Maybe he had a clown-related tantrum after one too many pies in the face.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --

So GT is John’s old handle. I guess Jade sometimes gets intel on the past, instead of the future. You know, that’s usually just called a memory, Jade. 

GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!!! GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy

The trolls, like Bec, are immune to Jade's prognostication. When Jade's increasingly-dubious prediction that 'everything's going to turn out ok' is finally disproven, we now have two potential culprits.

GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe GT: oh wow, what? years?? GT: ok, well i am sick of them. GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off the trail.

They can message a logged-off user, John, they're not going to be thrown off by a handle change.

The trolls have been harassing these kids for a long time. Initially I thought Jade specifically was going to make some big mistake, but if John's on their shitlist too, their campaign might be against Sburb players in general.

That said, it sounds like these guys have been trolling Jade for a lot longer than John. Maybe they see her as an easier target, or maybe, like CG, they think she might eventually listen to what they have to say.

[appalachiananarchist]

In regards to that article on COVID burnout I reblogged last night:

It hate how right that author is. I have struggled with pretty significant depression for most of my teenage and adult years, but even so, I had never been as low or utterly lost as I have been the past few months. I cannot think of anything in my life that can compare to what me and my coworkers have experienced. I know that a lot of us are not bouncing back the way we normally do, and I wish I knew a solution for that.

Burnout almost doesn’t feel like a strong enough word for what so many in the healthcare fields have gone through. There has been a nonstop stream of people coming into the hospital looking and rapidly declining, one after the other, day after day, with no end in sight. Everyone who got admitted was declining so rapidly and inevitably that it felt like my only purpose was to document their deterioration so we would have the correct information for their death note. This says nothing about the sheer volume overload and shortages we experienced. We have run out of CPAPs, BiPAPs, ventilators, antivirals, and even IV steroids at multiple points over the year. ICU beds are nonexistent, filled as quickly as they are emptied. Patients are proned and ventilated in hallways at times. Transfers are impossible. Nurses are overworked and scarce. There are too many extremely sick people and not enough manpower or equipment to manage them. All of this, of course, set against a sinister backdrop in which a global health crisis was so heavily politicized on right-left lines within the U.S. that a good chunk of my vulnerable population would not even entertain the idea of vaccination, social distancing, or in some cases, that COVID-19 is real in the first place. 

I am not someone who lets my job get to me often. I am good at compartmentalizing to get through difficult days and experiences. Prior to this year, I had only actually come home and cried about work twice: once after an extremely traumatic child’s death and once after a patient I had grown attached to died. This year, though, there have been days where I came home and cried for hours for no clear reason or sat motionless on the edge of my bed and did nothing all evening because I didn’t know how to start processing all that had happened that day. This year has been something else entirely just because of the volume, the inevitability, and the ceaselessness of it all. I felt like someone tied weights to my legs and sat me just past the ocean’s shore. Waves kept washing over me one after the other, always nearly drowning me. Sometimes the water was low enough that I could catch just enough of a breath to stay alive, but then the water would be back, and I’d be drowning again. On the occasions I might steal enough air to call for help, half the time I’d be met with shouts that the ocean isn’t even real.

If you are waiting for a point to this post, there isn’t one. I have no propositions for solutions. I don’t know if we will ever truly recover from the trauma of this pandemic. I hope that we can with time, though I suspect that the medical system has been irrevocably changed in many ways, as have its actors. I suppose if there is anything to take from this post, it is a message to those who are not in the medical field. Please be smart. Get your vaccinations and use common sense when going in crowds and public places. Healthcare workers all over the world have dedicated their lives you helping you when you are sick. We really need you to do these small things to help us right now, too, so that we can keep doing that long into the future.

[virtualtoybox]

okay nobody asked however tho i may be cringe i am also FREE so heres the story beats for dark lady au -

-padme survived, tho is handicapped from injuries sustained during her fight with anakin on mustafar. shes in a leadership position in the rebellion, but stays disguised as a handmaiden to the queen of alderaan as a way to protect here identity from the empire. 

-luke and leia are raised basically co-parented by the organas as well as padme and sabe. luke and padme are extremely close while her relationship with leia remains strained and distant... being a mother to her daughter was harder than was to be one to her son. she saw too much of herself in leia, and it scared her, and i think it scared leia too. a ferocity and need to change the world around her but too young to do anything about it. padme wishes she had done more about it. she tries so hard to make up for hte mistakes of her past, creating a better future for her children based on the foundation she failed to build before. 

- its around 12 years old that the children are found out by vader, and leia is singled out just by being on the wrong planet at the wrong time, just because she happened to by the first he found ina vulnerable enough position. he never planned to take leia; it didnt have to be her. 

- middle middle ive been drinking and smoking, ALL NIGHT, so suck it up you dont get the intensive leia sith training meta. maybe tomorrow. 

- ....okay just a lil. so she is fairly easy to manipulate tbqh considering shes so hunger for more and better and any sort of satisfaction that can ease the burning in her gut for just a second. palpatine offers her that in the form of force training- something her mother forbade. 

- so leia very definitely like. feels like being a sith can get her where she wants to be- where palpatine is. doing better than him. 

- a new hope is different in many ways but the one i will talk at length about is Leias assassination of emperor palpatine. vader is tasked with stopping the hotshot pilot trying to destroy the death star and comes back to give his master the bad news only to find a mangled body and his daughter wuth blood on her hands. she wont tell him what exactly happened- but that she does expect a new title. 

- emperor vader and his daughter; the dark lady arfenia (the devoted) are a very intense hand in unlovable hand fucked up power duo who feed off each other in the worst most unhealthy ways - she hates him so much, knows she needs him alive for now, shaking deep in her bones to finally kill him. he loves and would die for her easily, knows its not yet his time so he  is basically a puppet leader for his extremely disturbed daughter. 

-during this time, padme takes luke to ahsoka for force training- desperate for some form of defense against her ex husband ... against her own daughter.

- leia and han end up meeting when han is taken prisoner by vader to try and lure luke ala esb, though things go quite a bit differently to the point of Han being stuck in the cells on Leias ship. she honestly just curious as to who wouldve grabbed her brothers attention to such an extent that she visits han a bit more often than she should. they only know each other for a month. theyre only together once. its enough. 

-jaina and jacen are born 9 months later. theyre both so strong in the force, leia can already sense the power rolling off her children in waves. but one of them, the boy... hes sick. no matter what she does, she cant get him to stop crying a sickly pathetic wail- something that scared her so so bad. she could only think of one person who might be able to help- her brother, a jedi. a healer in the force. 

-she leaves jacen with luke- hiding him away just close enough for her brother to sense and safe enough to wait until he did. she knows the boy will be safe there- maybe even get to know his father. 

-ive type 1k more words than discord will allow me to send about an au no one could possibly care about besides myself and im not even to the main part of the au. might write more later but for now i thnk im gonna go put myself in niche star wars au jail (timeout in the corner)