#ive never been this physically attracted to someone before ever

[hazel-callahan]

i love you, kit tanthalos ∞

[nmakii]

DOMESTIC LIFE WAS NEVER QUITE MY STYLE…

— married life with alastor back in 1925, louisiana

— is this ooc :(? ive been in a ooc rut ever since school ended i miss my pookies n like i cried so much that day 😔 BTW THIS IS THE FIC I HSED THE ALASTOR AI TEXTS :>

lord above! you have to be some kind of gem to secure a man such as alastor. to be that woman, it’s almost certain that you’re someone who understands alastor in ways no one else has.

he doesn’t tend to express his affections physically, but more than makes up for it through his sweet nothings and lavish gifts

he’s most definitely the type to spoil his wife, but only if you ask him for it yourself. he doesn’t want to buy things you have no use for

has a trust fund in his will set for you if, god forbid, he died before you. he doesnt want his love to worry about money, just let him take care of it.

unlike many households at the time, alastor would help with the chores. despite his full-time job, he’d sorta understand that taking care of a house is a full-time job in itself since he’d spent his childhood watching how hard his mother works so, he agrees to always split chores with you.

because of his work, and his popularity, his boss asks that he comes in early to host the morning segment of the show. because of this, it’s not often that you two share a morning together. but, he still remembers to kiss your pretty head good morning, occasionally adding a request for dinner

his mother is MORE than happy to welcome you into the family. she’s just glad that her son found someone that makes him happy.

honestly on the fence about kids. on one hand, it’d make his mother really happy, as well as how it’s expected at the time period. but, he isn’t too interested in physically showing his desires. and, he is quite busy as well with his job and the whole murdering thing. it’s only if you ask him explicitly that he’d decide to look into it, maybe adoption? :>

quite good at putting your insecurities at ease. sweet nothings for days on end can come out of his mouth and he’s still not done.

as you sob into alastor’s chest, his arms wrap around your body warmly as he plays with your hair. "whenever you’re ready to talk, my love.” he held you close, wiping your tears until you were ready to talk.

alastor listened silently as you told him of all your doubts; that you weren’t a good wife, the whispers of every woman in town, everything. “my love, i’ll love you no matter what. it’s the woman inside that i am in love with.” he says as he brushes the hair out of your face, gazing down at you lovingly. “i won’t lie, there are times when you are… feisty. but, it’s your passion and intelligence that always bring me back to you.”

your lips quiver as you try to quell your tears. “can… can you swear that? that you’ll love me no matter what..?” his gaze became gentle as he saw the genuine doubt in your expression. “you have my word, dear. no matter what happens, i’d never stop loving you. even if we fought everyday, i would still be a fool for you. because, well… i suppose the heart wants what the heart wants. and, it is you that my heart yearns for, love.” alastor assured you, his eyes falling as he spoke.

as the sweet nothings fell from his lips, your tears ceased, finding the warmth in his touch. “thank you, dear… you always know how to make me feel better, i love you so much…” you sighed, curling into his touch. “mmh, i love you as well, my pretty girl.” he grinned, kissing your forehead.

as stated above, alastor is not particularly attracted to your looks, but moreso your intelligence and your ability to see right through that charming facade of his. funnily enough, it started a healthy relationship for one of the most deranged men out there.

he’d also be quite attracted to you if you joined him one night. nothing’s more attractive than your beautiful wife in a pretty dress he bought for you all bloodied up with a knife in your hand.

he loves to show you off to the newspapers as his pretty doll, not only because you’re quite the eye candy, but to also make you confident in yourself

he’d still get jealous whenever he’d catch someone staring too long though. ironically enough, he thinks it’s adorable when you get jealous and pout your face. he’s your’s after all, body and soul! why fuss over something that’s not gonna happen?

arguments are quite rare since alastor doesn’t tend to do things that are argument worthy. one of the few reasons you tend to argue is when alastor heads to the club after work and comes home drunk and much later than he intended to. and, after all that, he still apologizes for coming home late, probably tries to come home early so he can cook dinner the next day as an apology :>

[xamaxenta]

New MAS meetcute

Marco attending a very extended family members wedding that, goes to shit as one of the cheapest and tackiest weddings hes ever attended in his life but he showed up according to dress code which is to say he looks fine as hell

But the brides father (the family marrying into theirs) ended up getting blackout drunk and started a fist fight with one of the bartenders, the other family members ended up squabbling about petty shit that also ended up in a physical altercation, someone gets a concussion and someone pulls a knife — its the brides cousin and Marco cant really be a bystander and out of the goodness of his heart intervenes because hes nice like that

He gets socked in the jaw and wakes up in the arms of an angel, hes got dark sun kissed skin and freckles and a million watt smile hes like hey there champ you got got pretty bad huh? How are you feeling? — runs down the entire list of checks name age where am i blahblah

Oh someone called emergency services and Marco couldn’t be more grateful honestly, realises belatedly that the man cradling him is actually a firefighter he thought he smelt something burning before he got knocked out

The actual paramedics show and its supremely unfair that this one is also obnoxiously goodlooking because hes tall blonde broad shouldered and Marcos never been one to fixate on hands but nobodys hands should be that pretty scars or no scars

Marco mumbles something that makes him realise he is so goddamn thirsty, its hot as balls out summer wedding in full black dinner tie jacket bs and too much alcohol does that to a guy, unglues his tongue like what have i done to warrant access into heaven im not even that religious mind you—

The dark haired fire chief laughs, jostles Marco in his big strong arms god, Marco will actively die in a hot second— The blonde Paramedic leans in to smooth a hand over his forehead and declares heatstroke and with the same snide tone criticises the venue as a whole and who even has a peak summer wedding without adequate cooling amenities and god even his voice is sexy the crisp undertone and its like yeah yeah definitely he’s absolutely addled by the sunbeams toogay Um today

Marco gets patched up and gets a nice IV for all his troubles, Fire Chief Portgas and Chief medic (chief paramed?) Portgas sit with him the entire time occasionally rotating out to check on the rest of the dumpsterfire of a wedding and tend to the other injured guests in the meantime, Marco realises hes utterly fucked when one the blonde slips a number in his suit jacket pocket but moments later the dark haired one scribbles his own on the back of his hand

Truly a goner when he witnesses them squabbling behind the back of the open wings of the firetruck over who had managed to give Marco their number first

The thing is the number is exactly the same, it takes Marco the trip home to realise that they werent just close working partners, not roommates or even brothers, but spouses theyd given him each the home number to their shared residence (as spouses)

Ofc he calls them, its Fire chief portgas who answers a little suspiciously at first but when Marco speaks up he can practically hear the fist pump from over the receiver

“So dinners on us.” Ace says warmly and Marco feels his heart catch on the melted insides of his ribcage, its been a while since hes had time to focus on himself and not his career—

How shall he dress for the occasion?

However you like, its tall blonde gorgeous whos taken over the call, but he does have a small request, the trousers he had worn at that now since annulled wedding, had made his behind look particularly attractive so perhaps those paired with some nice shoes?

So a fellow gentleman, Marco can dress to impress certainly, Ace will pick him up at 7 and Sabo will meet them at the venue

[youremyheaven]

https://www.tumblr.com/youremyheaven/763022039299866624/im-convinced-that-all-the-girls-dating-rat-looking

I AGREE I AGREE GODDDD I AGREE SO BADLY

nevermind looks— i could personally fall for almost anyone’s looks because imo if i am attracted enough to a person, i in turn find their PHYSICAL self attractive too, even if it isn’t what i would immediately list as an “ideal” type

i hate when people say oh hes so cool, im attracted to him because of his taste in this and that and his cool music taste, film taste, and whatever. and just that. like what about kindness and gentleness and the way they speak to you or address your issues??

like once youre dating i think its okay to say oh i like my partner’s taste in x and y but to say that you’re fully and WHOLLY attracted to someone only because of that is insane to me. for your only measure of attractiveness in a person to be their taste and style is actually crazy.

i might never listen to classical music but i could 100% date someone who only listens to that provided that i like their character and personality and the way they treat me.

ive just been thinking alot recently about what i would actually want in a relationship and this also recently irritated me a little because of something my friend said so 😶😶

okay but also honest question, because i recently discovered this about myself. i realised something that is insanely important to me in a relationship is that my partner trusts me. which ofc sounds basic, but as someone who is psychic and always has premonition dreams/accurate gut feelings/blatant episodes of zoning out and seeing/hearing things that end up to be true, i need someone who won’t instantly dismiss my feelings about things like that. ive had an instance where i cancelled events 10 minutes before only for there to be a news headline a few hours later about a near fatal accident on the road i was about to take, or even just moving away from someone on the bus only to see the news THREE whole years later about the fact that that person was a certified pedo/molestor (this was when i was still underaged and in school)

i think even if my feelings seem wild at times or insane i need someone who would validate it because i would never bring it up unless unbelievably necessary. and even if nothing horrible happens i just need that faith in me yk? i may have an anxiety disorder but despite that, and even if my other person isnt spiritual or whatever i need them to just understand and just not do a certain things if i desperately bring it up

id never abuse that power but yk? i needed to ask if you felt the same way because i have no one else to talk to about this

- mother anon

GIRLLLL

the looks part and the taste part were two separate thoughts but i just felt like posting them together 🤐

i 100% agree that its possible to be attracted to just about anyone regardless of what they look like BUT i hate the current trend of girls obsessing over rat looking men

like ALL of these dudes are shady asf and known for being assholes. so its not like their personality is so exemplary that their looks are justified 💀💀

i genuinely 100% don't believe that relationships work unless both people are physically in the same "range" or one person is like a high average and the other person is absolutely stunning. i know i probably sound superficial asf BUT I PROMISE YALL, issues WILL creep up and eventually being mismatched WILL cause tension. no man will ever date someone beneath them but women always go for nasty rodent looking men bc they think those dudes will make more of an effort or appreciate them more 💀and these dudes are often WAYYY worse than the chad guy

now about style & taste:

i think its very middle school-y to be attracted to someone based on their fav band or sneaker collection or whatever tf ,,like i genuinely couldnt give less of a fck about that shit.

whenever i meet a guy, the FIRST thing i look for is how chivalrous he is.

and the girls who say they dont care about "chivalry" bc their independent girlbosses are missing out bc fun fact if ur man isn't taking care of u or being a gentleman, he DOES NOT GAF ABOUT U. if ur 2 buddies hanging out, he will treat u the way he treats his homies :/ so if u want to be toughened out like a pal, then u go sis

he better be opening every door, holding my bag/offering to, trying to make me feel comfortable in whatever way he can, giving me napkins, passing me things, paying the bill, bringing me flowers, just being very socially conscious (???) of having a woman around. i remember the first night my bf and i were hanging out, we went to get ice cream for me 🥺and it was past 1 am and he asked me if i wanted to stay there and have it or have it in the car

(for context: i live in india and night life is not much a thing here, this ice cream parlour was the only one open in the area and the crowd was entirely male and they were all staring at me)

and i said i'll have it in the car 🥺🥺like ive been on dates with men who dont pay attention to this kinda stuff. i get catcalled and they dont notice. someone gives me nasty looks and they do nothing. what made me like my now bf right away was how protective he was of me and i know that its how he would treat ANY woman in that situation.

i dont really share my spiritual/astro side with many people. most ppl close to me are aware of it to some extent but in different capacities. some ppl think its more of an intellectual interest bc ive studied buddhism, taoism etc practice yoga (practicing yoga is very common in India bc its literally an Indian thing) and ive never really sought acceptance or understanding of this sort from a romantic partner although 2/4 of my bfs have known that i do tarot and astrology etc

my current partner is an agnostic-atheist and he's spooked out by all the "witchiness" but at the same time, he's really excited about it and brags to people that he's dating a "witch" 😭😭😭🤣

i havent had experiences of the kind you're describing in recent memory but if it were to happen id like for my person to believe me and respect it 🥺

i think there is a cultural difference between us regarding this because what you've described as having visions or gut feelings or being intuitive is veryyyy culturally accepted in India and nobody will bat an eye about it. so its not as isolating or confusing as trying to explain to a bunch of westerners that you "have a bad feeling" regarding something.

[creepling]

i’ve had to have some time to think about this because it’s new johnny lore, whether confirmed yet or not im not too sure. haven’t been able to get to the bones of it bc of the nancy gameplay. and it is also something out my comfort zone, but i do have thoughts. ive wrote this more as headcanon, keeping to exploring the fiction so don’t take it as my personal view. i know it’s opened a can of worms in the fandom, but this is me trying to make sense of it through writing.

tags: necrophilia, death, corpses, derranged johnny shenanigans.

many serial killers have confessed to dappling in necrophilia. it’s hard not to when they are toying with death through attraction. if they target victims they also have a sexual attraction to, and they also want to committ murder, there is then a psychological nuance to how they view that person (that they already see as less than human). they will revisit the murder scene, sometimes even dig up the body. they don’t even have to physically committ necro, but the obsession is still there.

in the case of johnny, it is not too far fetched to assume he has been in situations that can have this psychological change in him becoming a necro. how far he goes with it is what is left to the imagination. someone with a philia does not have to do the physical act for it to count, just the obsession mentally accuring is enough. when it comes to necro, the obsession relies on the intrigue of bodily autonomy, to strip it completely through death. his victims have a habit of escaping him, and he is despised by family members because of this. his drive for the hunt is not only to fufill his killer instinct, but also to assure that no one will escape. he views death as a trap, an everlasting bound on their body, mind and soul. his emotions are numb to the point he doesn’t even view it as killing them. he already sees them as an object - as a canvas of flesh - and in death it makes no difference. or, he has the delusion of still seeing light in their eyes; they can speak, but choose not to. in any of these readings, he fulfills his need for control. the body is now obediant, and he doesn’t need to bare anymore shameful scars.

since i’m not a necro (thank god) i assume the obsession is kin to looking at a statue. one of those greek ones where you admire the curves and angles of the body, awing at the creation. its stillness captivating since it’s so life-like, your mind scans for a jolt or twitch. you start to imagine how they would speak, move, show emotion. the person is immortalised to be admired and have them in memory. maybe johnny views his perservation of the bodies like a work of art, they are his muses. when they’re still and unmoving, he can make them who he wants them to be. he can have his derranged thoughts contained in his head, looking at the body on the meat hook, the same way the average person looks at a statue in a museum. maybe that’s all he does, just stares, a scenario in his head, held back by a force that he cannot identify. it’s the first time he’s ever questioned something about his character; and it scares him. that voice in his head, “you sure you wanna do that?” has never tried to stop him before, so why now? is it because drayton doesn’t take kindly to him ‘playing with his food’, is it drayton’s voice? no, he’d be more harsher than that. is it his mum? can’t be, she’s never stopped him before. then who is it? to the average person, that is what you call a conscious. to johnny, it’s an unwelcomed guest, another voice to nag at him. he’s bulldozed his way through life, eating and grabbing anything he desires, and now he’s come to a hault. he thinks the voice is challenging him, and he never backs out of anything. but for the first time in his life, he’s thinking about it. not because he’s questioning the morals, but to see how it will benefit him. and when he looks at maria’s body, hanging on the meathook, and could have sworn he seen her blink. even in death, she is defiant. now, he has to take back control.

[tea-and-secrets]

i might be aroace but i feel like its hard to really say for sure because i havent even seen anyone else my own age in, like, months, so it's kinda no wonder I haven't been attracted to anyone in a while. That also makes it kinda irrelevant to consider whether or not i actually am aro/ace... it's not going to affect my life in the immidiate future, so i just stop thinking about it...

i guess id be fine with identifying as asexual. i actually thought i might be years ago, then i started having crushes on people and went "oh i guess not" but then after that i eventually realsied that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are two different things (i didn't know the word aromantic back then) and honestly I can't say I've ever wanted to have sex with anyone.

I mean, I've wanted to have a girlfriend before, (both in terms of wanting to be with specific people I had crushes on, and in terms of general aimless desire to be with someone), but I've never wanted to have sex with any specific person, nor have I ever had the urge to have sex, which apparently most people, like, really really do have?

but i mean. i also get really horny and jerk off to hentai, so-

But i feel like identifying as aromantic would be more sad (FOR ME PERSONALLY. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A STATEMENT ON AROMANTICISIM AS A WHOLE). I've always seen the perspective of aromantic people as just not really caring about romance, and if they felt like they were doing something wrong by not falling in love it was just because of, like, society telling them how they're meant to be and stuff. But, like, I do want to fall in love with someone. I'd like to be in a relationship. I feel like I'd be missing out on something if I went my whole life without ever being in love. But at the same time, I also feel like I wouldn't feel... that bad about it... and when people on this blog confess that they;re in love with their best friend and stuff... the way they describe it is so totally unlike anything I've ever felt about anyone....

and you know what, I really really hate how sex is, like, an expected part of all romantic relationships. Like oh, if I like someone im expected to have to fuck them like it's a duty? will they take it as an insult if I don't want to? can I not just sleep with someone (in a non-innuendo meaning) or be intimate with them without it being necessarily sexual? Is horniness even real or did one piece make it up?

oh god dont even get me started on how complciated attraction is... if i talk about that it'll be twice as long as everything ive already written so far...... how is seeing a pretty person supposed to make you feel? how much are you allowed to like someone based on physical attraction before it becomes "shallow"? how do you tell the difference between sexual and romantic and aesthetic and magnetic attraction? wherre's that damn fourth chaos emerald?

OH HEY I CAN TURN THE LETTERS PINK

(thank you for witnessing)

.

[i-willstealyourtoes]

hiya! may i request a tf2 matchup? :)

im 19, AFAB, my gender is unlabeled as of now, i go by any pronouns but im very fem leaning, bisexual, aquarius, INFP, 5’8, chubby/curvy, brown eyes, armpit-length black layered wolfcut with bangs. i don’t really know what the style is called but i dress like the girls from fatal frame, wear black rectangle glasses, and tend to wear heavy eyeliner, making me seem intimidating to some but i swear im nice once u come up to me LOL

i love art, music, all sorts of wildlife, fashion, and im sort of a scifi buff,, i can listen to practically anything except modern day rap. i often listen to early 2000s and 1960s-90s music, whether its rap, pop, funk, country, rock, indie….

for religion i’d consider myself an agnostic, im heavily against abrahamic religions, i wont judge for what you believe but they just don’t sit right with me.

id call myself an ambivert, it kind of just depends on the people im with and the vibes i get from them. i get incredibly jealous, either keep things bottled up until i can’t take it anymore, or i come to you to talk about my feelings. it takes some time for me to trust and get close to people, and if i feel like i can’t see you in my future then i won’t even bother. my love language is gift-giving, acts of service, and physical affection. i probably have some sort of personality disorder, but ive never been able to go get a diagnosis lol

Ok ok this is my first match-up omg pls bare with me-

You matched with: Sniper !!

I just think you two would just...get each other???

When he saw what you looked like, he probably thought you looked really cool

Brown eyes and black wolf-cut??? I think he would immediately be attracted

I think he likes brown eyes and black hair, and a wolf-cut too???

He thinks wolf-cuts are really neat okay

Once you guys are together, he would just love to stare into your eyes (if you tease him about it he will fall apart fr)

Oh and if you let him run his fingers through your hair???? Any stress of his is just gone

He's one of those people that he enjoys just being with you and you don't even have to talk

The concept of him just sitting down on the bed, watching you do your hair or makeup in comfortable silence???

It's enough to make him propose fr (/hj)

Obviously he wouldn't be fall in-love/be romantically attracted instantly, but your appearance would definitely get his attention

Like, he's never really seen someone with your style of makeup or outfit?

He's quite intrigued

Like, do you wear this all the time? That looks like a lot of effort

Well, compared to this man's routine, basically anything is a lot of effort

Once he starts crushing on you, he'll probably go shopping and see a nice accessory and go "Hey, I think that'd match them....right????"

He might get it for you, but he'll be very casual and just place it beside you or put it on your bedroom table

"Oh, uh.....I just thought....it'd look good...is it okay..?"

After you two get together, he would probably buy you clothes or something

He doesn't really think people look intimidating unless they're very tall and violent, but he kind of can see why you would look like that to some

He doesn't think you're scary or anything, although he might avoid talking (in the start) because that's just how he is anyway

You would probably have to talk to him a bunch before he initiates conversations himself

He's indifferent to music and art, but if you draw the stuff yourself, he'd be really impressed

I think he draws a tiny bit too, but usually it's just a bird he saw or maybe a pretty 5'8 person with brown eyes and a black wolf-cut that he totally isn't starting to like a lot-

If you ever saw a drawing of you by him, he will immediately avoid you for at least 3 days before you can even tell him it looks good-

If you draw him????? He will be very, very flustered about it

He's not very confident in his looks (he just thinks he looks average at best) so he'll be shocked you think he looks that cool

"You..you sure this is me? Haha, I....Thanks..."

(He is trying hard not to explode rn /pos)

He will keep it in his van forever

About music; if you guys are close enough, he might share some of his stuff too

"I don't really listen to music...but uh, here's something I don't mind..."

If you like it too, he will feel proud for some reason???

Once you tell him you like wildlife, he will instantly start to open up to you

If you guys are starting to get close, he'll invite you to go camping or something so you guys can see some animals !!

"Hey, do you wanna go see some deer with me? I know this best spots."

Even if you don't see any, you guys can just chat endlessly about it until you have to go/one of you falls asleep

Doesn't really like fashion or sci-fi that much????

He doesn't hate it, he's just indifferent

He does not put any effort into his appearance other than the occasional trim of hair-

If you want, once you guys are close enough, you can give him some clothing reccomendations!

He will probably not mind anything you give him, as long as it isn't too intense or out there

"Hey, this is actually....pretty good. Thanks, sheila."

He likes having you ramble about sci-fi or any of your interests, just as long as he can hear you speak

He would be listening as well, and he'd maybe also get some merch for you too

"Hey, you said you like this right...? Well, I...I got you something."

He'd enjoy watching your favourite sci-fi movies/shows and just asking you questions and stuff

He loves when you just light up whilst talking

His heart basically melts tbh-

He's not religious either, so he doesn't mind at all

He kinda relates with your view about god too

He quite likes the fact you're an ambivert, because it means not only can you relate to his introverted personality, but you can also help him socialise and stuff

He totally gets the whole being jealous thing though

Like, he'll get that feeling of anxiety too

He feels like you're just so...cool

So why are you with him??? He's just...there, you know?

So when he sees you talking to someone a lot or something, he'll feel worried that maybe he's not doing enough

He gets angry too sometimes, not at you, but at anyone that starts flirting

Depending on how far into the relationship you are, he'll either just stay silent and feel anxious, or he'll go up to you and threaten whoever you're with

"Hey, you better back off or I'm gonna rearrange your spine with this knife."

It's kind of difficult to be jealous of Sniper since he doesn't really socialise too much???

But if you do get jealous, just tell him and he'll stop immediately

He totally gets how you only really trust those who are super close to you

He's the exact same

He only really has a very small group of people he trusts, so he definitely gets the sentiment

He understands if it takes you a while to open up, he's patient so he doesn't mind waiting

He takes ages to open up too, so if you're patient too, then you'll be a great pair !!

He likes the way you think about the fact that if you can't see them in your future you won't bother

He doesn't like pointless and short-lived relationships either tbh-

I think one of his love languages is acts of service too, so I guess you guys are just going to constantly trade that between one another

He gives gifts sometimes too, but he will feel really shocked if you get him anything

"This....this is for me? I...thanks..."

He feels kind of guilty if it's anything that you've bought for him

He just thinks that he should be the only one buying things I guess?

It takes a while for him to get used to physical affection, both private and public

He was never one to hug or be hugged so all of it is kind of new to him tbh-

Just be patient, and eventually he'll cling to you in private

After a while, he gets used to PDA but nothing too intense, just holding hands or putting a hand around your waist or shoulder

Any kisses in public and he can't help but feel a little red in the face

He seems like he isn't very versed in mental health at all, so he doesn't know how to support you unless you tell him what you need

He's there for you no matter what, because he loves you and everything that makes you...you !!

Extra:

I think Scout would like your unique style, although he would make fun of you a little at first :/

He likes hearing you ramble, but will probably actually not listen and is only listening to your voice and looking at your face

He enjoys the physical affection, especially PDA, so that could work

You guys can have art sessions together, although he only does doodles mostly

Soldier would enjoy the fact you like wild-life, since maybe you would also like his raccoons?

He likes receiving any love from you

Gifts? Heck yeah! Physical affection? Absolutely! Acts of service! He would be so grateful!

Pyro loves any unique style at all, so he really likes yours!

The wolf-cut is so cool to them, catch them staring at you whilst you style it!

Would love to just hug you whilst you talk about whatever

Engie would love talking to you about Sci-fi, since he likes it too!

You guys would just be in his workshop, trading facts about your favourite characters and so on

He really likes your glasses, he thinks they suit you well

He also doesn't trust people unless they're very close to him, so he's patient with you and understands how you feel

Heavy understands the whole 'I know I look intimidating but I promise I'm okay' kind of vibe

He loves looking at any art you make, and while he doesn't do it himself, he definitely still understands and appreciates the effort you put into it

Also doesn't trust people easily, so he's fine being patient with you

Demo really likes your glasses too, he thinks they look cute

Kind of likes sci-fi now and then, so he likes watching it with you

He likes giving gifts too, so I think you guys would just be trading gifts at this point lol

Medic loves your glasses and haircut so much, it's just a style he really appreciates

Your clothing style is also really attractive to him too!

He likes sci-fi now and then like Demo, so he's happy to talk about it whilst you guys are doing whatever

Spy finds your style unique, and he likes unique people so he's immediately attracted in a way

He likes fashion too, so maybe you guys can go shopping sometime?

Gift giving??? Oh you guys are basically going to have a war of gifts fr bc he LOVES giving gifts lol

[shoheiakagi]

Hi, what's up?

So💝💖🌹🌺💌🥀for Dewa and Fujishima cause this two need some attention,please.

And thank you.

Hiii, i’m good! Hope youre doing well! And I wholeheartedly agree - these two need a lot more love. granted, ive had more asks for dewa than fuji for a lot of the ask games i reblogged, but i will never say no to more dewa content

Send me an emoji + a character!

💝 - What's their love language?

Dewa: acts of service and quality time. Dewa is a man of action and prefers to show his love by helping you create an effective budget plan, clean up the apartment before you get back from a long day of work, etc. He’s very serious about spending enough quality time with his partner; a nice little dinner where they talk about their day, watching a true crime documentary, and attending a local jazz concert. But sometimes its the more simple stuff where they’re both in the living room doing their own thing but comforted by each other’s presence

Fujishima: words of affirmation and acts of service. Fujishima is always supportive, encouraging his partner whenever they’re feeling upset or insecure. When his partner texts him about having a rough day at school/work, fuji calls them right away and spends at least 10-15 minutes on the phone with them, knowing the right things to say to cheer them up. He sometimes even picks up their favorite meal and pastry to brighten their day. Fuji is always looking for ways to help out his partner; whether its washing the dishes, taking out the trash, or picking up groceries when he notices theyre out of stock on certain items

💖 - What traits does your muse find physically attractive?

Dewa: he really likes well defined eyebrows; the type that are dark and thick, and you can tell that they’re maintained frequently (those monthly eyebrow waxing/threading sessions!). but he also finds necks very attractive, especially those that are long and slim. It serves as a great contrast to his calloused hands when he wraps them around the neck.

Fujishima: the first thing he notices about someone is their smile. he’s a sucker for gorgeous and vibrant smiles, especially paired with dimples??? our man is in love! fuji also likes a set of small, pouty lips bc theyre fun for kissing 😽

🌹 - If asked to define love what would your muse say?

Dewa: compatibility. The strongest and longest lasting relationships don’t just rely on love, but also on how compatible the people involved are

Fujishima: lifetime commitment. When you’re in love, you’re going to stick through all the bad times, along with the good times

🌺 - Would they be willing to change any part of them for a partner? If not how far would they be willing to go

Dewa: at first, he won’t be very receptive to any feedback that requires him to change. it will hurt his ego a bit and it’ll take him a while to come around. but after taking some time to think things through, he finally opens up to his partner and have a healthy discussion on what their relationship needs and what kind of compromises both parties will need to make so that the relationship lasts

Fujishima: i think it really depends on what he needs to be changed. I don’t think he will ever put an end to certain traits of his, liking rescuing stray and abandoned animals (and humans). But if it comes to concerns like him not receiving a formal education or getting a stable job, i think fuji might be more understanding and probably attend a trade school so that he can land a well paying job without having to go to college

💌 - How would they confess to their love interest? Would they wait on a confession?

Dewa: it takes a while for dewa to realize his feelings and that yes, this is the person he’s been waiting for. He plans an elaborate date, filled with a variety of flowers and accompanied by the most expensive wine he can afford (per kusanagi’s suggestion), to make his confession

Fujishima: Fuji is very perceptive of his emotions, so he’s casual and straight to the point once he realizes his feelings. Its probably when they’re having a little outing at the park, taking a stroll by the pond and feeding the nearby birds, when he casually tells the other person that he has strong feelings for them and would like to take their relationship to the next level. And he has his classic poker face on while making his confession, which makes it a little hard for the other person to understand if he was being serious or not

🥀 - Do they handle breakups well?

Dewa: Answered here

Fujishima: out of all of the younger guys of hmr, fuji is the most emotionally mature. Like for everyone else, breakups are painful and there will be a period of time where he’s hurt, angry, and too exhausted to do anything else. But he quickly puts his focus on other things, like volunteering in the local no-kill animal shelter, carrying out more hmr related missions or spending more time in the bar with the gang, check out a new rock band, practice martial arts, etc. Once he gets busy and focuses on something else, he is able to move on quicker than he expected

[cripplingparanoia]

Vanilla Chai Latte: its more than that. :)

Flat White: both?

Cappuccino: joy!

Mocha: author, performer/artist, funeral home director/graveyard worker

Pumpkin Spice: yellow VW bug w Daisy rims

Jasmine Tea: id go to Japan, because I've been obsessed w it my whole life, before I even knew about anime I was trying to learn Japanese on rosetta stone & buying books on the culture.

Old English: if I'm gonna die, my bf, so we can be together. If not, my arch nemesis, so when I get saved I can leave her to die :)

Iced Chocolate: aside from my boyfriend, only fictional characters and women catch my attention, but currently I don't have a y girls I like, atleast not any I talk to or anything. One of my HS crushes added me on fb recently, but other than that, no, not really, aside from my ongoing crushes on characters, like Snape and Kylo Ren lol

Carmel Frappe: Sally Face and Minecraft

Iced Lemon Tea: Artist - XXXTENTACION & Joji, Band: Nirvana & MCR

Iced Cafe Mocha: hot chocolate or tea w honey & lemon, big warm fluffy weighted blanket, background noise TV show, reading a book in bed :)

Hot Chocolate: V E R Y

Carmel Macchiato: M bf :)

Green Tea: 5'2"

Earl Grey Tea: survival by ANY means, but especially surviving the kill self instinct 😭

Mint Tea: my favorite ways to relax are by reading, listening to music, watching movies and TV, watching YouTube and playing video games, and giving myself a spa day or a little treat :)

Vanilla Latte: ive never personally tried it but this made me think, why not combine the two, lol. that sounds fun to me

Iced Coffee: yes! The Farthest Away Mountain by Lynne Reid Banks

Italian Soda: we start the date at a little mom & pops cafe in Old Town, and take a walk down Main Street afterwards, stopping in a few little shops along the way. Afterwards, we head to the art museum. for lunch, we have a picnic outside by the sculptures, & then go back in for a little bit. we then go to the botanical gardens and finish our date at a nice restaurant. When he takes me home, he surprises me with flowers & deserts, & we eat them & watch a movie until we fall asleep.

Sparkling Water: In a sense, I have physical "types", but I usually only worry about physical attraction after everything else, and I'll probably find someone physically attractive by default if I like their personality. A big one is if they treat me with more respect than anyone else, whether that's a man or a woman, because I date to marry & I'm not spending my life being treated the same or less than a stranger, that's so damaging to my self esteem. But also, someone who is usually kind to others, unless they don't deserve it. Someone who not only loves but is good with animals and children. Someone who knows when and when not to raise their voice with me & in general. Someone who also wants to be married and have kids. There are probably more I can't think of,but I'm already taken anyway so 😂

Orange Juice: the question is, have I ever NOT? (a few times, but mostly no[now I have a Forever Valentine tho])

Rose Hip Tea: I actually love telling this story way too much. I was with this guy I met at v stock in the mall playing Pokemon cards in a league. We were on the 2nd floor of the v stock, & there were these big windows w large ledges by the bookshelves, & I was leaning over it, propping myself up on my hands, & he came up from behind me & grabbed my chin & kissed me, not like a long kiss but not a peck or anything either. It was so romantic & then I got a nosebleed like an anime girl 😭😭😭 I broke up with him like a week later for getting a haircut 😭

Herbal Tea: Something that smells like the beach or the ocean

Cafe Asks ☕️

Vanilla Chai Latte : Are you in love? Flat White : Coffee or Tea? Cappuccino : What’s your middle name? Mocha : Dream Job? Pumpkin Spice : Dream car? Jasmine Tea : If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? Old English : You’re stranded on an island, who do you bring with you? Iced Chocolate : Do you have a crush on someone? Caramel Frappe : Favorite video game? Iced Lemon Tea : Favorite song/band? Iced Cafe Mocha : Favorite thing to do on rainy days? Hot Chocolate : Are you an affectionate person? Caramel Macchiato : You’re travelling the entire world but you can only take one person with you. Who do you take? Green Tea : How tall are you? Early Grey Tea : The inevitable Zombie Apocalypse is upon us! What’s your plan of action? Mint Tea : How do you relax? Vanilla Latte : Board games or drinking games? Iced Coffee : Do you like reading? If so, what’s your favorite book? Italian Soda : Describe your dream date Sparkling Water : Describe what qualities you look for in a person Orange Juice : Have you ever had a valentine? Rose Hip Tea : Describe your first kiss Herbal Tea : You’re at a candle shop, what scented candle do you buy?

[bellocan]

hiii 1, 9 and eleven for relationship asks!!

1. do you prefer pure, innocent romantic interactions or do you prefer obsession and possession? or maybe a mix of both as long as it's relatively healthy and consensual?

ive never really had anyone like me to the point of obsession and possession! but i think id like a mix of both. i like cute and romantic gestures like leaving little flirty love notes or getting flowers or being incorporated into their creative pieces in some manner. there was a girl in high school that liked me that would refuse to leave my side when i was being dumb and isolating myself in the cold. and she'd keep my hands warm with hers. and she'd share an earbud with me and let me listen along with her. i didnt appreciate it back then but it melts my heart reflecting now.

after. my last relationship though. i also want to have zero doubts about the long haul so a little healthy possessiveness would give me a little reassurance! i want to indubitably be someones partner... i like feeling like im theirs and theirs only.

9. what was your longest ever relationship? how and why did it end?

my longest relationship is my first and only. it was ldr and it lasted about 4 and a half years. and i was engaged to them actually. had a nice little intimate christmas proposal in private and everything where i started off with christmas presents and led up to the ring!

in her own words, before she ghosted me, the relationship ended because "nothing has changed between us." she didnt feel like either one of us were growing. despite her finally working and being able to support herself somewhat. and despite me giving all my effort to address our pain points. although a lot of her pain points were nebulous due to fact of them solely involving just how she felt... and of course no matter what a person does, the other will simply feel how they feel. i would assure her that meaningful growth takes time and that measurable growth isnt instantaneous. i feel like she wanted to see her living conditions and her life in general change completely in a short amount of time.

in my own opinion, the relationship started falling apart about halfway through. she reached a point where she said she felt emotionally numb potentially as a result of her meds and couldnt feel intimacy anymore and didnt want to be intimate. i asked her to clarify since physical intimacy isnt my only want in a relationship and isnt even a deal breaker. and she said she wasnt sure. womp womp. despite her saying those things she ended up in bed with one of her university friends/flings. she said that she "just let him share the bed with her since he didnt have a place to sleep and nothing happened between them." and nah i dont quite buy that one bit anymore. especially since her roommate found the need to message me about it. there were a million different solutions she could have went with and she chose the worst one willingfully. at this point i tried breaking up with her or at least go on break. and she more or less guilted me into staying by accusing me of just wanting physical intimacy and sex lol... projecting much... from that point on forward i still put in as much effort as i could muster. but emotionally i was definitely colder. i definitely wasnt as vocal about my love. and then covid hit and the distance became greater. and it looked like it was getting back on track when the travel ban lifted and she stayed with me at my apartment for a month. and i actually believed that it was getting back on track at that point despite feeling uncertainty. and then she drops the break up a few months after blindsiding me.

11. describe your ideal type of romantic interest!!

i love creatives! whether theyre dancers or singers or writers or musicians or artists! i. feel like i have many types... i like confident passionate direct girls... ive been enamored by an architecture major whose hard work was both inspiring and. attractive. i would also put the girl at work i call texas girl in this category. watching her fiddle with components and be determined to resolve issues in any way she can... is attractive. i also like shy quiet. cutesy girls. mellow and sweet. i guess my ideal type would be someone confident and bold and direct... but can also be shy and sweet in private? someone thoughtful and kind. someone thatd make me feel supported and secure and undeniably loved. my love languages are words of affirmation and quality time!!! my romantic interest would be patient and mindful. and we would work as a couple to fix issues instead of shifting blame.

[acethatlovesdinos]

Tw: vent, female body dysmorphia? (Idk I don't have an official diagnosis). description of feminine anatomy (boobs). I'm not asking for pity, I'm just spitting words out because I feel the need to make them known. A confession, of sorts. And maybe it'll help some of you feel less alone in your own journey.

~~~~~~

I'm not pretty.

I'm aware of the fact. Never really have been. Not exactly the textbook definition of "attractive" when I look in the mirror.

I dont feel unloved, I think that's a different thing. I know i have caring friends and family who have my back, but it's still not quite what Im getting at.

I hate mirrors. Specifically the big ones in the bathroom before I shower. I look at myself, my eyes taking in every flaw.

I used to be bigger, you see, and I do feel much better having lost a significant amount of weight but that in itself brought upon an entirely new type of insecurity.

At least when I was a larger size my shape was "normal," per se, in that i expected and understood that physique well.

I had gotten a gastric sleeve surgery (make stomach smaller so you can absorb less food, thus losing weight in a more "natural" manner). Considering my morbidly obese state at the time, it was a necessary adjustment for the sake of my own health.

Dont get me wrong, I'm happy with what I've done. It's been a massive change and I feel so much better from both a physical and mental perspective.

but oh boy, I never could have expected the kind of insecurity that accompanied rapid weightloss.

it was incredible for a while, watching my clothes fit looser and feeling like I had more energy. my mental health improved drastically. truly, this was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I dont think Id change it if given the chance. I do want to make that clear, my current feelings are just a bit of a side effect.

quickly shedding pounds means that your body doesnt really get a chance to re-absorb that loose skin. what once was round, fatty pudge has now become loose, dangling flab. it hangs over my waist, accentuating my gut and making it still look larger than it is. Unfortunately, the weight I've lost isnt enough to properly constitute those surgeries to remove the loose skin that exists, so I'm sort of just...stuck with it. Im still certainly not skinny by any means, but I feel as though I'd be a size or two smaller if that extra flab wasn't there.

My hips and thighs didnt change a whole lot, so I remain with a bottom-heavy, pear shaped form with a waist several inches behind my hips. pants are a struggle to find a comfortable fit as a result.

It doesnt really strike much thought at first, but I was pretty quick to remember that breasts are composed mostly of fat and soft tissue. One of the first places to start showing a decrease in size? yeah. My chest wasn't particularly huge in proportion to my body anyway, and they only got smaller. that's a blow to the self-esteem if ive ever seen one. ever try shopping for a 40A bra? they aren't very common.

Oh, and what I said before about loose skin? that applies there too. there's no shape, it just sort of...sags pathetically. it could almost be compared to the "boobs" of an obese man with the way they sit, and the thought disgusts me.

all in all im sagging, loose, and not what someone would call a pretty sight...ever. It makes me fear the longevity and even possibility of future relationships, because who would want something like this?

my only saving grace is when I take a closer look at myself. Look closer in the mirror, look at my face. that seems to be the only part of myself im mostly okay with.

I've got a soft, round face, dusted with a natural blush and a gentle chin. my ears arent too big, and ive got a little dimple when my mouth moves the right way.

pale blue eyes provide the only pop of color on my otherwise pale, boring body, a cloudy shade of slate with a ring of green around the pupil. I dont want to sound basic, bit they really do seem to change under the sun. hooded eyelids occasionally cause makeup to be frustrating, but i only wear the stuff on special occasions anyway so it's not exactly a huge deal for me.

My glasses help to frame my face, a cute but necessary prop(bc i am blind lol), with the added bonus of helping to hide the tired circles under my eyes.

A lot of people seem insecure about their noses, but mine has been mostly unproblematic throughout my experience with it.

I've had a surprising number of people comment on my "perfect lips" (a few ladies who helped me with makeup), bringing up the defined Cupid's Bow and naturally plump shape, a soft pink hue that exists all on its own. I never really thought much of it until someone told me.

My hair has always been a fickle thing, and I've had a bit if a love-hate relationship with it until fairly recently. I've found that I like it bobbed at my chin, where its light enough that the natural curls can have a strong effect. the most product I tend to use is this nice-smelling leave-in conditioner, which just helps to tone down the frizziness. I love the way the curls frame my chin and jawline, and it coils into these thick, beautiful springs after it dries from a shower. it's so soft and I love to run my fingers through it when it's been freshly cleaned. The current color is a dark purple, that looks almost black indoors, but it nearly lights up when the sun hits it. its natural color is a deep brown, and i still do like it, I just thought a bit of color would be nice for once.

Ive got moles and marks everywhere, but that's never bothered me. the little brown spots are fun, and a few of them on my arm can even be traced into a perfect arch.

the most unique aspect of my appearance is this...little patch of tiny moles in the center of my throat. The patch is only about a centimeter in full area, and it's covered in little raised brown bumps. Oddly enough, this part of my body has never been something I felt ashamed of, as the little patch of marks were one of the many things that made me, me.

So maybe my body isnt perfect. it's not the ideal shape, nor size, nor whatever else, but I guess there's some things about it that I dont mind so much.

[nrc-ramshackle-prefect]

Gonna answer these here💪

1. what is your muse's sexual/romantic orientation? Bisexual.

2. has your muse been mainly attracted to masculinity, femininity, androgyny, or an even split (between two, many, or all of the options specified)? I like twinks and femboys, but god DAMN i will not turn down a man with muscles.

3. has your muse been mainly attracted to men, women, non-binary people, another identity not specified, or an even split (between two, many, or all of the options specified)? Mostly men, but ive dated women and nb people before.

4. does your muse find any specific features particularly attractive? I like when people are gentlemen, or are just straight up little shits™️

5. what is your muse's ideal first date? Cuddles, a movie, and food.

6. would your muse kiss on the first date? If the other wants to.

7. where is your muse most sensitive? Emotionally? My heart. Its pretty easy to hurt my feelings, but I hide it well. Physically? ..My hands. I always wear gloves, but skin-to-skin handholding could make me cry.

8. is your muse a good kisser? are they experienced or inexperienced? Eh, somewhere inbetween.

9. is your muse monogamous or polyamorous? would they be interested in a polyamorous relationship? I dont mind either. So as long as im not alone..

10. has your muse ever been cheated on? would they ever cheat on their partner(s)? I was cheated on once. The fucker never saw the light of day. I would never do that to anyone.

11. how comfortable is your muse with their appearance and their body? ..not at all.

12. does your muse get flustered easily? how would they typically react to compliments from someone they are interested in/dating? Surprisingly so, yes. Im not used to compliments.

13. what traits does your muse value in a romantic partner? Someone kind, someone who can understand me and be sympathetic. But also someone who wont get terrified if I fight and or kill for them.

14. what traits does your muse want to avoid when it comes to choosing a romantic partner? A major red-flag for me is men who dont care where you are or what youre doing. Its a sign of liars and cheaters, in my experience.

15. how does your muse feel about valentine's day? I hate it. Its a corporate holiday.

16. what is/are your muse's love language(s)? Love languages? Physical touch, quality time, and gifting/cooking.

17. what are some of the signs that your muse shows their care/love without saying they love/care about their partner? If I cook for them or ask if theyve eaten. I dont want them ending up like me.

18. how does your muse feel about marriage? would they ever want to get married? Yes. I really do. I dont want a big wedding, but I want a wedding.

19. how many serious relationships has your muse been in? are they experienced or inexperienced when it comes to dating? A few. People havent liked me much before I came to twisted wonderland.

20. how does your muse feel about public displays of affection? would they engage in them? No. If my partner does, let them. But me? Hell no.

21. is your muse more flirtatious or shy, or does it depend on the context? Depends on context, I guess. I can flirt without getting flustered, but if im being flirted with, I might pass out.

22. does your muse tend to take on a more dominant or submissive role in the relationship, or does it vary based on circumstance? It varies.

23. would your muse be good at recognizing their partner's needs right away, or would it take some time? Yes. I understand people more than I let on. I used to be social, y’know.

24. is your muse proactive in communication with their partner(s), or is this something they need to work on? I communicate either too much, or too little.

25. does love and romance mean a lot to your muse? do they seek it constantly or let it come when it does? It.. Means more to me than I let on.

26. is your muse more likely to be loud and proud about being in a relationship, or are they more quiet about it at first and open up about it over time? HELL. NO. Theyll find out through word of mouth, or through my partner.

27. is your muse more confident or shy when it comes to approaching someone they like? Usually? Both.

28. would it bother your muse if they had differing interests from their partner(s), or would they delight in it? My partners like what they like, its no big deal.

29. how important is having (a) physically attractive partner(s) to your muse? I mean.. Just look at Ace.

30. would your muse ever be in an open/non-exclusive relationship? would it make them insecure, or would they be open to trying it? I.. Have tried. It ended up in a broken heart and two months of being in a mental hospital.

31. does your muse develop crushes easily? would they be open about it to a friend or keep it to themselves? I.. Do. Unfortunately.

32. does your muse have an ideal "type"? No. Not really. I just prefer people who understand what ive gone through and want to help me get through my greif.

@nrcsfavoriteshrimps @bubblin-trouble @floyd-leech-thing @seven-seas-octavinelle (blogs i felt should see this cuz i interact often)

ROMANCE & RELATIONSHIP HEADCANONS !

i know this topic is a bit overdone, but i wanted to make a more sfw romance & relationship headcanon meme! most if not all of these questions are related to romance and topics that may arise within romantic relationships, but without explicit nsfw topics!

1. what is your muse's sexual/romantic orientation? 2. has your muse been mainly attracted to masculinity, femininity, androgyny, or an even split (between two, many, or all of the options specified)? 3. has your muse been mainly attracted to men, women, non-binary people, another identity not specified, or an even split (between two, many, or all of the options specified)? 4. does your muse find any specific features particularly attractive? 5. what is your muse's ideal first date? 6. would your muse kiss on the first date? 7. where is your muse most sensitive? 8. is your muse a good kisser? are they experienced or inexperienced? 9. is your muse monogamous or polyamorous? would they be interested in a polyamorous relationship? 10. has your muse ever been cheated on? would they ever cheat on their partner(s)? 11. how comfortable is your muse with their appearance and their body? 12. does your muse get flustered easily? how would they typically react to compliments from someone they are interested in/dating? 13. what traits does your muse value in a romantic partner? 14. what traits does your muse want to avoid when it comes to choosing a romantic partner? 15. how does your muse feel about valentine's day? 16. what is/are your muse's love language(s)? 17. what are some of the signs that your muse shows their care/love without saying they love/care about their partner? 18. how does your muse feel about marriage? would they ever want to get married? 19. how many serious relationships has your muse been in? are they experienced or inexperienced when it comes to dating? 20. how does your muse feel about public displays of affection? would they engage in them? 21. is your muse more flirtatious or shy, or does it depend on the context? 22. does your muse tend to take on a more dominant or submissive role in the relationship, or does it vary based on circumstance? 23. would your muse be good at recognizing their partner's needs right away, or would it take some time? 24. is your muse proactive in communication with their partner(s), or is this something they need to work on? 25. does love and romance mean a lot to your muse? do they seek it constantly or let it come when it does? 26. is your muse more likely to be loud and proud about being in a relationship, or are they more quiet about it at first and open up about it over time? 27. is your muse more confident or shy when it comes to approaching someone they like? 28. would it bother your muse if they had differing interests from their partner(s), or would they delight in it? 29. how important is having (a) physically attractive partner(s) to your muse? 30. would your muse ever be in an open/non-exclusive relationship? would it make them insecure, or would they be open to trying it? 31. does your muse develop crushes easily? would they be open about it to a friend or keep it to themselves? 32. does your muse have an ideal "type"?

[ramblerbean]

This weeks frustrating things:

Im ill prepared for my first ever drag show, so much so that I want to quit before I even start.

My body dysmorphia is rage (especially while in drag), and though ive never found myself attractive all i can think of myself as now is disgusting.

The tights I bought for drag dont fit

i dont have any good shapewear

though i am glad my chest is small as I'm trans, it makes drag much harder because bra stuffing sucks.

underwires

i dont feel like im good enough to be on stage

I'm scared my dad is gonna be disappointed in me after watching my drag show, even though i know that wont happen.

the shoes i wanted to wear arent stable enough to dance in

im not physically strong enough

i have no stamina

my room is a mess

i was really excited to go home and see my dad and cat for fall break, but my dad forgot that my sister who disowned me will be there this weekend, so unless i want to stay with my mom I can't go

my mom doesnt deserve to see me twice in two months

my friends care a lot but i dont feel like they understand what im saying

men

dating in general

that really horrible ache in your chest when someone describes how happy they are in their relationship

the color red

im allergic to my alin, but i have to wear a fitwatch to track my heart rate and blood pressure because ive been fainting. but wearing the watch irritates my allergy and rubs the skin off

cystic acne

getting up the effort to; go to class, shower, do homework, eat, wake up, etc

the urge to sh again

the rugburn on my foot

the rugburn on my knees

drinking enough water

[rrelationshipadvice]

i think im in love with my friend, and i confessed about a year ago and they don't reciprocate, which i understand, esp bc theyre aro. we're still friends and i care about them a lot, and i miss them a lot since they had to move even further away than before and are going through a lot, and we dont talk as much as before. i try to offer my support as best as i can but they know i am also mentally fragile so they dont open up to me as much (at least i think thats the reason)

im so touch starved i think, and i wanted really hard at one point to be more physically intimate/close with them, i always asked about if they were uncomfortable before and after we hung out, usually i leaned on them or put my head on their shoulder, sometimes hugged or tried to cuddle or hold them, and they always said it was fine, but it also seemed like they were shying away sometimes and not initiating stuff and i was really confused so i kept asking about it, and i think i scared them off by trying to seek this closeness or by asking about it so much instead of letting it happen naturally… they said they realize they arent really comfortable being super physical with anyone so i stopped trying that. they still initate physical contact like tight hugs when we see each other after a long while and putting their head on my shoulder so i feel like its ok if i do the same back sometimes but i dont try to seek it out specifically that much anymore bc i dont understand what theyre okay with really… they dont seem to mind me telling them theyre hot and losing my shit at their preformances, they call me hot sometimes too or appreciate how i look. they have talked about sex and sexual stuff and specifically didnt call themselves ace in a situation where others (including me) were pointed out to be ace so i think theyre not? and they talk about both fictional and irl hot men and sex and sexy fics and stuff. ive been thinking im ace for a while bc ive never really had specific sexual feelings for real people before(only for fictional characters, or like getting turned on when reading fics of a ship i love). but now ive been imagining myself doing stuff with them(so obvious im a virgin too lmao idk how to talk about sex) and i cant tell if im like. Actually experiencing these feelings or if im so attached to them im trying to imagine any possible configuration of a closer relationship to them…

and i keep imagining talking to them about it all and them agreeing to be in a fwb situation or queerplatonic relationship or something… they were okay for a bit with calling us queerplatonic or partners or (fandom term) for very close friends, but we stopped bc they felt it put too much like. pressure on our relationship to be Something and follow certain idk behaviours, and i assume it was because of the closeness i desired too probably then...

so i dont think it would ever happen really, after that, esp since i dont seem like their type, and i think they think im super asexual because i feel relatively uncomfortable casually talking about sex bc im so inexperienced… and also bc im 22 and theyre 19 and internet bullshit has made me feel predatory for a lot of things. i often feel bad or gross even imagining things with them or even being attracted to them because of that. sigh why is shit so complicated :/

ig i dont really have a specific question for advice, really just wanted to share this with Someone bc i dont feel like i can. but if anyone has advice or can emphatize or uncover some nifty aro/ace stuff i dont know of yet bc i havent done enough research id appreciate it lmao, ty for this blog <3

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[sebastian-speaks]

you know ever since becoming the host of this system ive really started looking in to my sexuality and such, which is hard to do because of my role as a sexual protector. its hard to find the difference between what i really feel and what i was made to do. who im really attracted to versus who i feel like i have to be attracted to.

for a while i thought i was gay. that i liked men and only men. but i think it was really only the thought of that. i had labelled myself as gay so i kind of only chose men to be "attracted" to. which i realize now was just me trying to conform to something. i just wanted something to be stable.

i think what brought me out of this was that time i kissed my friend. him and i were pretty close at the time and we were very much not sober and ended up making out a little bit. at the time i dont think i really noticed anything- but the days after i realized that it was probably one of the most triggering things i've done in a while. im not usually a touchy person so i didn't really know how i would react to those things- especially with men. and when i think about it more, that might have been the catalyst for the shitshow that was the next two weeks. the next time we did that particular drug things got pretty physical with him- and again, it wasn't triggering at the time, but the next few weeks were full pf flashbacks and pulling away from him.

im pretty sure that was the start of my questioning. i had been in a relationship that ended a few months prior, and honestly i never saw it as real. the whole thing had started when his friend said he was in to me and i guess i made up all of my feelings for him from that point on. it was miserable. i never actually liked him- but the whole time i thought i did. i thought "this is what romance feels like".

enough with that- after the whole thing with my friend i sort of pulled away from him. we didn't talk as much. i guess i was subconsciously a little scared of him even, an irrational fear i know now, but it didn't make sense to me then.

but very shortly after, everything changed. the other person in the group had a kind of fwb type of thing going on with the guy. and she talked to me about it. a lot. she would tell me about how she felt about him and such. how much she cared about him. and dont get me wrong- im glad i was the person she went to to talk about it. im glad i was able to be that person for her. but at the same time, hearing about that bond between them made me feel bad. it very well could have just been me being pissy about third wheeling. but i think i just wanted to be cared about in that way.

their thing ended. i was scared that it would mess up the friend group. it did not. i then left the country for two weeks. over those two weeks, me and her started talking WAY more. we were both in europe while the other friend was still in the states, so our time zones were close enough to still talk regularly. we talked a lot and i feel we got a lot closer

after getting back i was home for a few weeks before leaving the state for another two, and i remember a few days before leaving again her and i got very drunk. we ended up making out for a few hours and thats when it hit me. those two weeks i spent out of state ended up just being me questioning everything. at first i thought i was crushing on her- i realized very quickly that i was not. it was more of a i just wanted to be closer to her. i wanted to be someone to her. and i figured out then that romance was not my thing. at all. that i was aromantic and loved my best friend to pieces.

when i got home pretty much the first thing we did as a group was get drunk. and yeah we made out again. but we also talked about it. how we felt and such. a few days later we did some other drugs and talked about it even more. later that week we got together and actually talked about it sober. we agreed that it was nothing romantic.

how do i see it? a more than friends type thing but still platonic. i love her. i love her so much. so much more than she knows. i just want to be around her because she makes me happy. being out of state again is making me realize this more. i love how excited she gets when talking about the little things that make her happy. i love how much she cares. and i miss her. i miss her so much. i miss the sound of her voice. i miss being around her. shes just so great. not to mention shes fucking gorgeous-

i think i have it figured out now though. i know im aromantic and im content with that. im happy where im at now and im hoping it just gets better from here. im getting back home in a few days and im crossing my fingers that we'll be able to see each other.

anyways xoxo, sebastian:)

ill probably be using this blog for stories like this! hooray!

[skatetragedy]

3/12/22

lately therapy has been pretty intense, i feel like i’ve had a couple therapists before that mostly only touched on surface level trauma. my new therapist is pretty intense, shes very sweet but sometimes i genuinely feel like my brain can’t process whats happening because it’s not use to digging as deep as she wants me to. It’s a bit humbling, hearing her consensus on why i act the way i act, its very vulnerable and embarrassing. i want to be better tho, i want my brain to get as deep as it can so i can be the healthy. in other news updates on some relationships :

athena and i have been talking more, and i think its good. nick really clouded me on many relationships because i was just too embarrassed to admit and talk about it to some friends that knew the extent of how he treated me and how we worked together. i missed her and i dont want a man to make me feel like i cant talk to my friends ever again. shes still with kayla, which is good i believe shes very calm and collected with her and i think shes been needing stability like this for a while. 

ive seen nathalie a couple times recently, shes been talking to ali again which is disappointing but as ive said, i know how it feels. nathalie and i are always good, theres really nothing that will keep us apart or anything like that. we locked in forever nothing to really say about it. 

sal and i are good as well. I do feel a bit of sadness when i think of putting sal thru what i put him thru with nick. i feel embarrassed and like a bad friend, but i dont understand why i couldnt help it. i wouldnt talk to him about it because i didnt want to put him in the position of listening to how his friend is with me and vice versa. eve though nick would never stop complaining but it was two sided when it came to complaints. i would just never say anything. i feel guilty and i dont know how to express it or make up for it. ill try my best. 

nick and i havent spoken. he texted me to wish me well with therapy/work/school and i didnt respond at the moment. i called him one night to express i couldnt/didnt want to be friends with him. i dont think its okay to be friends with an ex let alone one that got you pregnant. he told me i could get over the pregnancy but its just not that easy, i was in n out of the ER, received chemo therapy, and had to be locked in my room for two weeks. it was mentally and physically taxing. he really has no emotion or regard to how i could feel, and i dont understand why i hadnt realized that sooner. i hope he gets the help he needs and that things go well for him, with me excluded from his life. he asked why we couldnt be friends and i gave him a list of reasons, he gave me solutions, then i said i had been seeing someone new and im trying to go my seperate ways, he said “oh so you only called to tell me youre seeing someone new i dont want to hear that” why ask for reasons, give solutions and only fixate on one reason you dont like. i hope he matures, he cant stay alone for very long and his toxic cycle he learned from katie will just continue.

i have a new friend, named mark. hes very attractive, funny, and sweet. we only recently started becoming a bit romantically involved. i had liked him from a distance when i first met him and i didnt understand why. i was talking to n*ck at the time and he was all rocky over the fact sal andi had become friends again and we were hanging out regularly. i believe i met mark on halloween, with a group of others with us. we didnt talk much, i just offered him poppers and he thanked me. end of story for halloween. i pursued him, embarrassingly enough not much came of it, until recently as im used to men being horny and ready to fuck whenever i say hello. i guess thats nice though, we went on a first date to a couple different bars and i had a great time, many embarrassing things happened around him and hes still stuck it through so im hoping that means something good. our first date was refreshing for me, he was gentleman and very fun to be around. aesthetically we are very different people, but mentally very in sync with anything we say or want to do, which was a little scary at first. i do like him, he stayed the night yesterday for the first time and i havent felt someone that comfortable and happy around someone for a long time. we spent all morning giggling and being silly in bed and i dont remember the last time i did that with someone without having sex. its refreshing that everything isnt about having sex at the moment, that he could possibly be around me because he likes who i am. i hope that doesnt change.