sebastian-speaks

[sebastian-speaks]

you know ever since becoming the host of this system ive really started looking in to my sexuality and such, which is hard to do because of my role as a sexual protector. its hard to find the difference between what i really feel and what i was made to do. who im really attracted to versus who i feel like i have to be attracted to.

for a while i thought i was gay. that i liked men and only men. but i think it was really only the thought of that. i had labelled myself as gay so i kind of only chose men to be "attracted" to. which i realize now was just me trying to conform to something. i just wanted something to be stable.

i think what brought me out of this was that time i kissed my friend. him and i were pretty close at the time and we were very much not sober and ended up making out a little bit. at the time i dont think i really noticed anything- but the days after i realized that it was probably one of the most triggering things i've done in a while. im not usually a touchy person so i didn't really know how i would react to those things- especially with men. and when i think about it more, that might have been the catalyst for the shitshow that was the next two weeks. the next time we did that particular drug things got pretty physical with him- and again, it wasn't triggering at the time, but the next few weeks were full pf flashbacks and pulling away from him.

im pretty sure that was the start of my questioning. i had been in a relationship that ended a few months prior, and honestly i never saw it as real. the whole thing had started when his friend said he was in to me and i guess i made up all of my feelings for him from that point on. it was miserable. i never actually liked him- but the whole time i thought i did. i thought "this is what romance feels like".

enough with that- after the whole thing with my friend i sort of pulled away from him. we didn't talk as much. i guess i was subconsciously a little scared of him even, an irrational fear i know now, but it didn't make sense to me then.

but very shortly after, everything changed. the other person in the group had a kind of fwb type of thing going on with the guy. and she talked to me about it. a lot. she would tell me about how she felt about him and such. how much she cared about him. and dont get me wrong- im glad i was the person she went to to talk about it. im glad i was able to be that person for her. but at the same time, hearing about that bond between them made me feel bad. it very well could have just been me being pissy about third wheeling. but i think i just wanted to be cared about in that way.

their thing ended. i was scared that it would mess up the friend group. it did not. i then left the country for two weeks. over those two weeks, me and her started talking WAY more. we were both in europe while the other friend was still in the states, so our time zones were close enough to still talk regularly. we talked a lot and i feel we got a lot closer

after getting back i was home for a few weeks before leaving the state for another two, and i remember a few days before leaving again her and i got very drunk. we ended up making out for a few hours and thats when it hit me. those two weeks i spent out of state ended up just being me questioning everything. at first i thought i was crushing on her- i realized very quickly that i was not. it was more of a i just wanted to be closer to her. i wanted to be someone to her. and i figured out then that romance was not my thing. at all. that i was aromantic and loved my best friend to pieces.

when i got home pretty much the first thing we did as a group was get drunk. and yeah we made out again. but we also talked about it. how we felt and such. a few days later we did some other drugs and talked about it even more. later that week we got together and actually talked about it sober. we agreed that it was nothing romantic.

how do i see it? a more than friends type thing but still platonic. i love her. i love her so much. so much more than she knows. i just want to be around her because she makes me happy. being out of state again is making me realize this more. i love how excited she gets when talking about the little things that make her happy. i love how much she cares. and i miss her. i miss her so much. i miss the sound of her voice. i miss being around her. shes just so great. not to mention shes fucking gorgeous-

i think i have it figured out now though. i know im aromantic and im content with that. im happy where im at now and im hoping it just gets better from here. im getting back home in a few days and im crossing my fingers that we'll be able to see each other.

anyways xoxo, sebastian:)

ill probably be using this blog for stories like this! hooray!