#ive learned how to express myself and to be assertive

[brightsunanddarkmidnight2-0]

I've realized something about therapy when I was talking to someone about them going. And this picture reminded me of it. It went kind of like this...

Therapy is healing, it's not just going to vent and gossip. We hold ourselves together with bandaids and duck tape so we can get through the best we can. But wounds will not heal like that and probably get worse. Going to see a therapist/counselor is taking off what we did, disinfecting the wound, addressing the proper way to treat that wound and then understanding how to care for it. It is a difficult and often a painful process. However, it is a reward of peace. Because if we come in contact with the reason for injury...it is an ache where there used unbearable, paralyzing pain.

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 164 spoilers and thoughts that are totally not late what are you talking about this is on time for sure <- writing the day that 165 drops

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JAVIER WAS THE ACTUAL MVP OF THIS WHOLE EPISODE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA HAHAHAHAH GOD I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

THAT SIGNATURE SLIGHT SMIRK, THE MENACE IN HIS EYES. YES!!! SAVE UR MAN FROM GRIEF!!! GO KNIGHT BOY GO!!!!!!!

oh how he's grown, oh how he's learned from lloyd,,, truly using all the skills hes seen and putting them to the test. ITS SO FUNNY HOW EFFECTIVE THIS IS HAHAHAHAA THE EXPRESSIONS ARE SO SO GOOD THEYRE SO UNHINGED I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

back to the top!

lloyd trying to bargain and figure out loopholes only to realize there really is no other way besides losing it all over again makes my heart ACHE. OOOWWW. OWWWWWWWW.

just. watching that shutdown happen is so so so cruel why would u do this to me. the way the artist shows the energy and life just leaving his eyes and then subsequently showing how. tired he is. makes me so so emotional

it fucking HURTS. and by god ive been there before - certainly not to this extent ofc, but ive also been in tough spots where all the work ive done for my engineering projects ends up being,,, pointless. it is VERY real, how demoralizing that feels and lloyds reaction to that, and i cant imagine the scale of how that despair increases when its related to the work you did to simply just live in peace. god. ow. ow ow ow ueueueuuee

like he just essentially got told that it didnt matter how hard he fought to live, to survive, it doesn't matter that he's "lloyd" now; kim suho is destined for an ill-fate. and considering we know him as someone who lives almost entirely for others? it's basically "hey, all this stuff u did for other people to make urself not a burden, became a burden. tough luck!" GOD THATS SO. GHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHH

and he's trying so hard to think of himself as lloyd frontera still but like. whats the point? his association with lloyd frontera became the thing that doomed him

this panel in particular is INSANEE AAGHGHGHHGGG the colors washed out, how limp he looks, the blankness of the background like nothings there. this is where lloyd is right now, hope ripped from him, this reflects that really well. it HURTS.

is dissociated the right word for this? in despair? either way he's emotionally and mentally going THROUGH it, and essentially back to isolation considering how he ignores javier

i also wonder now if lloyd has already made a choice, to let javier live? we dont get to see more of his thoughts beyond this point, so its hard to say whether or not he's already made the decision of which protagonist lives,,, god im so worried for him. a part of me suspects that maybe he already chose javier to live,,, IM SO SCARED,,,,

speaking of javier,,, we see him talking to arcos and marbella!! and AGGGHHH AAAHHH MY HEART i really really think that javier was being completely genuine here. i think he really believes this. javier in general has a tendency to be incredibly genuine in the things he says (examples i cant think of off the top of my head but this episode has a lot of em LOL). he's asserted multiple times that he believes lloyd can save their estate, and its clear he means it every time. the faith javier has in lloyd is so so strong and it makes me so fucking EMOTIONALLL im getting ahead of myself a little bit sorry

but then the stare that arcos gives to javier,,, i think silent was the one who mentioned it but its as if arcos isnt sure if he should believe him, and if u take into account the last time they asked about lloyd's status,,, it's very much possible that he doesnt believe javier, but javier has so much faith in lloyd that he leaves them alone anyway. god,,, gghh,,, mmy heart,,,,

AND JAVIER ASKING LLOYD TO WAIT FOR HIM AND THAT HE'LL HELP LLOYD GET BACK TO HIS FEET GOD GHGHGH HE LOVES HIM SO FUCKING MUCH GOD FUCK GOD DAMMIT YOU!!! YOU!!!!

lloyd doesnt even respond but javier doesnt need to wait for a response bc he'll do whatever it takes now to protect this noble he's come to care for and love and gone on so many adventures with GOD DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT FUCK

and now we reach the second half of the episode and it made me giggle SO FUCKING HARD HAHAHAHAHAHAA

LIKE I SAW THIS PANEL AND MY JAW DROPPED PLEASE JAVIER ALDKJFLSKJDF

ppl were posting that apparently someone in ORV does this too and like thats so fucking funny . if i had a nickel for every time there was identity fraud in a manhwa id have two nickels

POOR RAPHAEL GETTING CAUGHT IN THE FIRE TOO HAHAHAHA HE LOOKS SO NERVOUS

some more panels of javier harnessing all that unhinged lloyd energy IT'S SO SO GOOD. it feels like javier's now a really really strong prosecutor i think he'd do a good job as a lawyer. THIS IS SO SO FUN

LIKE HE LOOKS SO MENACING GOD ITS SO FUNNY AHHAHAHAHA while making entirely good points he's so golden i love u sm javier. yes save ur man. outargue the FUCK out of these angels u clever little knight.

THE BITS WHERE ITS REVEALED HE'S TRULY GENUINE TOO ARE SOOOO FUCKING GOOD

ITS FUNNY ON TOP OF BEING SO REAL OF JAVIER

i talked about it above but like. when javier really truly believes something, when he really truly wants something, it's so fucking obvious. this boy does not lie or pretend about how he feels, point blank period. hell we've seen his behavior when he lies/is not telling the truth; his words are stiff and out of character, and his expression is either menacingly tight or stiffly robotic. he has so, so SO much faith and such a deep desire to save lloyd, and it shows in how he's genuinely fucking thankful that the angels agreed to (or well, were coaxed into agreeing) with what he asked for. i think it's a really interesting character trait and it completely tracks that javier was the protagonist of knight of blood and iron. genuine, emotional characters who love and lose, who have hope and can believe and can also experience despair, can make for an extremely compelling story. javier nails it right on the head

i also think that this character trait completely influenced the way javier used the tactics that lloyd uses. like yes, this is something that lloyd could do, but he also would never be able to pull it off because he doesnt have that same protagonist heart and honest-to-god (pun intended) genuineness that javier has. this inherent authenticity that javier seems to just naturally possess is what allowed him to make these statements and demands, because the sincerity he wears on his sleeve makes it all end up feeling reasonable. only javier could have done something like this, and no one else. i think thats REALLY fun!!!

that is all for this ep for now,,, i am SUPER excited to see where this'll go. hopefully we will hear from alicia abt the eye of summer!!! god javier u clever lil thing im so glad he was able to do this SAVE UR BOYF!!! AAAAHHHH

see y'all next week! aka tmrw! today? whenever 165 drops!

[railroadreverie]

this might get some people really mad but sometimes i look at what i see ppl say on here and elsewhere. and i think about who people like me dont afford the same charities we demand

i think about the gnc people who get scapegoated for transphobia because theyre easy targets, about the butches and femboys who we only talk about to fetishize or villainize

i think about the black people who get shouted down by fellow white transfems for not conforming to an inoffensive ideal of femininity; who get barked down for speaking about antiblackness they face in trans spaces

i think about the religious minorities who get villainized because we assume their cultures are so backwards and hateful; but turn around and appropriate those cultures for our own cutesy images.

and no less for the native americans or indians from whom we pilfer so much of our radical politics and spirituality, but of course get mad at the mayans in chiapas for not being marxist enough and mad at the aymara and quechua in the andes for not being anarchist enough.

i think about my trans brothers, who by in large showed me more patience and love than i was afforded by my trans sisters for the first 5 years of my knowing (learning) what I am. without the grace i was shown by trans men and other transmasculine people, i would be dead. I would not be here. i think about the disdain they are shown, this sort of assertion of original sin pushed on them.

i think about the fucking vitriol ive been shown so many times in my life by fellow transfems when i experiment with or utilize a slightly unorthodox gender expression. i think about how fucking gracious i am for those who have shown me love and understanding, and the sadness I have knowing how many of them have experienced the same.

like any demographic we are capable of injustice. i have met trans sisters who were racist, xenophobic, who antisemitic or ableist or sanist or what have you. i dont think the cutesy memes about how transfems can do no wrong are wise. ive seen it myself, we are capable of grave harms. we're excluded from a lot within patriarchy, but it does not excluse those of us who are white from weaponizing womanhood & racialized fragility against nonwhite people.

i think we need to do better. we owe it to all those nice people, including ourselves

[fluffy-lovely-clouds]

hey, im a sfw tk account!! obviously i 100% understand and respect boundaries but imma be honest your dni/intro post is really fucking off-putting. There are both a sfw and nsfw side of the community, both of which are 100% okay and should be respected. I understand there are a lot of kink accounts that do not respect boundaries ESPECIALLY with minors which is fucking disgusting, and that you are 100% entitled to say you don't like tickling that way and don't want to be associated with it.

Anyways. my point. "i hate fetishists just as much as everyone else" is the most baby ass thing ive ever heard, and you sound no better than any homophobe. you have every right to not want nsfw accounts to interact with you, but hating people for their harmless sexual interest is deeply immature and no different than if someone were to say they hate the sfw side of the community. Now you saying you're a minor is very vague - you could be 17 or 12, and there's a huge difference in that. If you're older, i suggest you learn to be a bit more mature, kink-shaming for something harmless is just a dick move and you can critique the nsfw community without doing so. If you're younger, then i doubt anyone else has told you this, but as long as it harms no one, its not an issue, and you can set boundaries without being an asshole.

Thank you so much for pointing this out actually. I have been meaning to update my intro lately because of exactly that that I put in there.

I just want you to know that I didn't mean to kink shame, but I did and there is no excuse for that. I believe when I first wrote that, what I had been TRYING to say was that I hate people disrespecting boundaries (such as a nsfw account harassing a sfw one) but I'm very bad sometimes expressing myself when it comes to writing. I couldn't process what wording to use to explain my boundaries and ended up putting that, and I instantly knew that it didn't sound right. And it doesn't, it sounds terrible. I realize that and I'm going to change that now.

Again thank you for being aware of that, it just goes to show how respectful of a person you are. Your looking out for both parts of the community and that's great. I aim to do the same, so don't worry that part in my dni list is disappearing

Edit: Hi, editing this because I realized how much of a kiss-ass I was being when answering. Look I realize that what I had in my bio was fucked up, and I knew it was, but I promise you I did not mean it. As I said before above, I'm terrible at putting my thought process into words, and I know that sounds like a lame excuse, even I think it does. Your probably wondering "how does this person who doesn't want nsfw interactions end up writing 'I hate fetishists'. It can't possibly be JUST because they can't write how they feel right. "

Well in a way yes, I don't think it was just that. After answering this, I sat down and thought back to when I first my bio and tried to think of any other reason why I wrote that. Well, I finally remembered something. Back when I still used my main blog for this content, I had put a very subtle and friendly dni to nsfw accounts that I didn't want any interaction because it made me uncomfortable, but NOT because I was against it. Despite that, a nsfw account followed me and was reblogging my stuff anyhow. That made me really uncomfortable and upset that they didn't listen that when I made this account to replace my main, I tried to be more assertive about nsfw accounts interacting.

I literally remember sitting there writing my bio and having a hard time processing exactly what I wanted to put because I was still iffy about my experience with the nsfw account. I've figured out what I want in my bio now, but what I had wanted to put back then was something like: "I hate nsfw accounts that direspect boundaries as much as anyone else." But I was having a hard time figuring out how to put that in words + I was frustrated and in the end it had come out as " I hate fetishists " even though I knew I didn't.

I was just trying really hard to make my restrictions clear since they hadn't been respected last time and ended up putting something really fucked that wasn't true, because I couldn't figure out how else to put it.

Nonetheless it was an asshole thing to say, but I didn't mean it. I've said things in conversations before that have come off wrong because I couldn't find my words. I'm neurodivergent, and I'm not using that as an excuse, I'm using it because it's the reason. I can't help that, and I know I'm not the only one who's like that either. Usually, it happens especially when I'm talking about something I'm against OR am making a point of. I just can not figure out how I want to say what I want to say! I usually end up thinking about what I shouldn't say, and for some reason that clumps together with what I DO want to say and it ends up coming all out sounding wrong.

I thank you for standing up for both parts of the community, but even though I wrote an asshole thing, that doesn't make me one, especially now that I've explained myself and I really wish you hadn't gone and assumed me for being one since you didn't know the whole story.

If your going to address someone for something they did, be more assertive and less aggressive

[myexplicittarotjournal]

Apollo Tarot has excelled in this new tarot spread. So comprehensive!

🔮 Ok, so let's try it:

I - Transformation:

1a - What areas of my life can I transform and let go of during this powerful cosmic event?

Ten of Cups: On the surface, I have what many would consider a good love life. A husband that loves me, and the presence of my family around me. However, I'm not happy. I see my husband more like a friend and not like a spouse.

I'm not physically attracted to him, and for complex reasons, my entire life depended on him for a long time, and now I feel I don't have a life of my own. I live his life as a coadjuvant.

So, I need to let go of the comfort of having a supportive husband taking care of me to transform my life and live it.

1b- What limiting beliefs or fears will I release to reach my highest potential?

Seven of Wands Reversed: Deep in my mind, I'm constantly alert and ready to defend myself from mean others. I developed this trait long ago when I was a bullied pre-teen, scared continuously of homophobes.

This fear of socializing, because I'm gay has no reason to be anymore. I'm comfortable expressing my feminity as a cis man, and I shouldn't care about whoever has a problem with that.

Still, since that is a deep wound within my soul, it takes time to heal it. And I've recently started therapy. So, I hope that helps.

II - Courage and assertiveness:

2a - What steps can I take to confidently assert myself in pursuing my goals and desires?

Five of Wands Reversed: This card, when reversed, could be speaking about my conflict-avoiding personality. Even though I'm pretty assertive on the internet, defending my political views on Twitter, I tend to "people please" and let others have their way when I'm face-to-face.

And that is true also when I have to express my personal decisions, like living my life more independently from my husband because I'm too afraid to disappoint him.

So, when it comes to steps I need to take to improve on that, being aware of this trait I have is an important one.

2b - How can I use the energy of this eclipse to overcome any fears or doubts that may be holding me back?

Eight of Cups: I'm long invested in my self-defensive mechanical reactions when I'm in conflict or need to impose my will on others to exert my independence. In a way, I have an emotional attachment to these self-defense mechanisms I created.

This card says this eclipse is an excellent opportunity to overcome my fears and doubts.

III - Self-discovery:

3a - What new aspects of myself can I explore and express during this transformative time?

The Star Reversed: This card comes after the Tower when everything has changed in your life. But you follow your star and are in a new place full of hope for what's to come. Even though you feel naked and vulnerable, you are at peace because you know the universe supports you.

But why is this card reversed? I need to reinforce this silent knowingness within myself.

3b - How can I tap into my creativity and passions to live a more fulfilling and authentic life?

Page of Cups: Just as the page in the card is playfully offering his feelings on a cup, I need to playfully express myself to tap into my creativity and passions. As a Pisces rising, I'm very imaginative and intuitive.

Even though I managed to combine my creativity with my work, I need to bring back my inner child to keep seeing everything with new eyes and a sense of wonder.

IV - Passion and enthusiasm:

4a - What brings me the most joy and excitement, and how can I pursue those things with more vigor and enthusiasm?

Nine of Wands: You've been hurt and tired before. Still, you found a way to reinvent yourself and regain confidence in your path.

That's because you learned how to tap into your intuition and separate the desires that come from your ego from the ones that come from your soul.

This knowledge is precious, and you should use it to pursue your true path vigorously and enthusiastically.

4b - What steps can I take to infuse my life with more passion and purpose?

Five of Cups: You must look at the positive side of things whenever you feel unmotivated. The man is mourning the spilled cups but still has other cups standing up. So raise your chin whenever things don't go your way, and keep walking, Johnny Walker.

V - Independence and self-reliance:

5a - How can I cultivate greater independence and self-reliance while remaining open to collaboration and support from others?

The Fool: Just do it (man, these brand slogans are catchy)! You know what you'll need to do. You're more connected to your intuition. You don't know exactly how things will turn out to be.

But just go. It's time. You'll get your independence from your husband while learning how to be more self-reliant.

That doesn't mean you must deny his support and collaboration, though. You realized that on the previous Full Moon in Libra. But you need to fly parallel to his aid, so one day, you learn how to fly alone, in case you need it.

5b - What steps can I take to trust my instincts and beliefs, even when they may be at odds with those around me?

Death: I must let go of my old self and let the new me be born. This is a complex process that will strengthen my intuition because that's the only guide I have.

Therefore coming out of this process will be a determinant step to trusting my instincts and beliefs. I'll develop a more assertive personality and more confidence, so I'll release my self-doubt and "people-pleasing" aspects.

So, I'll be more secure when at odds with those around me. It's all an interconnected process of evolution.

🌚 Solar Eclipse in Aries, I'm ready!

[artezui]

transmisogyny affects me in a unique way because, to someone who is transmisogynistic, i am categorized in one of 2 distinct ways (and sometimes both simultaneously): a failure of a man or a mockery of a woman.

to clarify, i am a rather masculine trans woman in many people's eyes, and im very okay with that. though i am taking HRT, i don't wear traditionally feminine outfits and usually still dress in masculine wear (t shirts and jeans, collared/polo shirts, flannels, boots) and genuinely enjoy it. i find a lot of comfort in being able to dress how i want to, and i dress like that. however, i still assert myself to the public as a trans woman.

thus comes along the two categories. i am often seen as a "failure of a mam" due to either being seen as a betrayal to masculinity or someone who has "given up" on perceived self-improvement by feminizing myself and no longer acting as a man. because of this, both men and women reject me and continue to deadname (when possible), misgender, and disrespect me; the attitude i receive at my customer service job, for example, is of a far more negative average than my cisgender male coworker. i usually receive this treatment more in-person than i do online, though it absolutely does happen, usually from men.

otherwise i am seen as a "mockery of a woman", due to the fact that i either do not pass as a woman because of both my fashion and how early i am into my physical transition (which i am personally fine with, passing does not concern me) or because, upon learning i am transgender, the concept of who i am is rejected entirely on the principle of it existing at all. these are the "you will never be a woman" comments, the "nobody wants to fuck you" comments, the "you're pretending to be a woman for nefarious purposes" comments. it's an inherently accusatory point of view because it automatically assumes that it is my goal, as a trans woman, to either mock womanhood or exploit womanhood for one reason or another. this i associate most with terfs. this is treatment i receive far more online than in person, but people that seem to fall into this category are the people i find the most dangerous.

i do not encounter outwardly expressed transmisogyny daily (mostly due to intentionally avoiding spaces that enable it, though it is still every few days it happens) but now that ive stepped into a more corporate-focused job, i see traces of it everywhere with interactions i have with anyone above me. my previous lead director, before he suddenly quit due to our recent acquisition, was kind to me to my face but called me a "rat", "liar", a "cheat" and a "walking HR complaint waiting to happen". he had expressed intentions to fire me despite a worker shortage, my performance outpacing most trainees in the company until that point, and not intending to stick around himself just to eliminate any progress i could secure in that work environment. i am lucky to still have my job.

❗️❗️ This is asked entirely in good faith. This post is intended to open dialogue and help with solidarity and understanding. ❗️❗️

I would like to hear specifically from trans women and trans fems how the system of transmisogyny uniquely targets and affects you. Things that you feel other demographics do not experience. Reblogs and replies are very encouraged! If you would prefer, you could dm or send an ask to be added anonymously by me.

This is in the spirit of wanting to understand. I am listening. I encourage all non-trans-fems to not speak on this topic and let trans fems and trans women do the talking here. Reblog the post to spread it, but please say nothing.

Any and all people who identify as trans women and/or trans fems are encouraged to participate.

This is not bait to start a fight. I will block without hesitation anyone who is actively being a shithead on this post. I want to hear and uplift your voices by getting it directly from you.

Click this to access the trans masc and trans men version of this post.

Click this to access the nonbinary version of this post.

Click this to access the intersex version of this post.

[bluewizardnonesense]

Magic dialogue

I am new to this app and I cant fi d the original post but this is following the post with the idea that wizards should trust their spells as much as software engineers trust their programs, which is to say, not at all.

“So what new spells are you working on?”

“A teleportation spell, Im trying to get it to be more cost effective than Malcazzar’s”

“Oh really? What language are you using?”

“Elder futhark”

“El-Im sorry what!? Elder futhark? Not even Younger? I mean dont get me wrong, I love Elder, my staff only has Elder runes, you cant get any simpler than one rune, one effect. But, for teleportation!? Its the most basic elemental runic language in existence, but trying to get any effect outside of the basics increases the size of the scroll like nothing else. And teleportation is notoriously tricky.”

“Yeah its been tough, and the scrolls are getting pretty long.”

“I mean are you running into recursion? Just patching the kinks in the code would require quite a few runes, and then more runes to fix those problems, not to mention all the other effects and power sources.”

“Yeah well Elder is the language i know best, and its actually showing promise. Since the system is so basic each rune has quite a lot of possible effects, its just a matter of finding the right grammar to express it. Ive found a few good combinations, now its just a matter of condescending it.”

“I see, say, what kind of power source are you using?”

“Right now to save my own mana Im using wall power, im just running it through a standard elemental conversion matrix to get it to interface well.”

“Oh christ, how many times have to tripped a breaker cause you tripped over it?”

“Only about 3 times or so”

Both laugh.

“Well what about you, what are you working on”

“Oh im forcing myself to learn Icelandic Stave magic.”

“Oh no, why?”

“Oh im a masochist, but really im using it as an introductory system for geometric magics. I tried learning alchemical circles in school but the last time i used one I messed up the power source portion and it ‘law of equalivilant exchanged’ it’s way into eating a hole in my floor.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad.”

“You dont know how close my foot was to it.”

Both laugh, the second wizard nodding, “yeah I can see how that would dissuade you”

“Thats the best lesson my teacher ever taught me. ‘A fool learns from his own mistakes, a wise man learns from other’s mistakes’ he lost three fingers on one hand before he realized he should have been poking things using a stick.”

“So he started using a stick?”

“No after losing a finger you now have a designated hand for poking things”

Both laugh, the first wizard speaks again “so yeah im hoping by dipping my toes in, pun intended, this time into basic geometry Ill be able to finally wrap my head around those blasted archaic instructions, i could never keep the angles right, i always ended up with a stray line here, or an aberrant circle there, when i was lucky the spell would fail, when i was unlucky the spell would fail spectacularly and we would then have to hunt down what spawned from it.”

“Oh I definitely get that, i once fell asleep during the class where we learned mentally projecting fine detail into the work as it was formed with alchemical circles, our task was to recreate a bust of merlin from blank stone. Well the circle i drew was great, but i must have been dreaming of maidens because the bust ended up having one, as well quite the mockery of a face.” Both laugh, “yeah i got in some trouble for that one”

“Right now im trying to get my team’s head wizard to finally accept that we dont need to spend the ridiculous rates for ‘genuine’ ingredients when substitutes with some adjustment work just as well. We almost got into a full blown duel when he asserted that he could only accept real basilisk petrified eggs. For one, basilisk’s are notoriously kept in terrible conditions by crackpots, 2nd its three times the price of any chunk of basalt and all you need to do is look up one formula to calculate how much quarts and marble dust to add. He said ‘oh but i dont want to add anymore ingredient circles’ like bitch, adding ingredient circles and three lines of runic code to incorporate them is the easiest thing to do, its literally the building blocks of spell craft. And dont get me started on unicorn tears. Everyone worth their wand knows that its as simple as adding sea salt to holy water. ‘But its not genuine unicorn tears’ he says, and im like fucker, make a unicorn cry, see how you feel about yourself, then tell me how much cruelty is worth for ‘genuine’ components, the twat.”

[captainmdhridoyhossain-blog]

[ad_1] Title: Assertiveness Techniques: Essential Social Skills Tips & Tricks for Self-Expression Introduction: Assertiveness is a fundamental social skill that empowers individuals to effectively express themselves, stand up for their rights, and establish healthy interpersonal relationships. In this comprehensive guide, we will explore various assertiveness techniques, offering valuable tips and tricks to help you enhance your self-expression abilities. With a focus on fostering personal growth and confidence, this article aims to equip you with valuable insights to navigate various social situations with assertiveness and grace. Table of Contents: I. Understanding Assertiveness A. Definition and Importance B. Differentiating Assertiveness from Aggressiveness and Passivity II. Building an Assertive Mindset A. Self-Awareness and Self-Esteem B. Positive Affirmations and Visualization Techniques C. Overcoming Fear and Anxiety III. Assertive Communication A. Active Listening and Empathy B. Using "I" Statements to Express Thoughts and Feelings C. Non-Verbal Communication and Body Language D. Assertive Expression in Digital Communication IV. Assertiveness Techniques for Challenging Situations A. Dealing with Criticism and Rejection B. Setting Boundaries and Saying "No" with Confidence C. Handling Conflict and Disagreements Constructively D. Negotiation Skills for Win-Win outcomes V. Assertiveness in Various Contexts A. Assertiveness at Work B. Assertiveness in Relationships 1. Romantic Relationships 2. Friendships and Social Circles C. Assertiveness in Parenting and Family Dynamics VI. Overcoming Barriers to Assertiveness A. Examining Limiting Beliefs B. Building Resilience and Self-Compassion VII. FAQs Section FAQs: Q1. How can assertiveness benefit my personal and professional life? A1. Assertiveness enables you to communicate your needs effectively, establish boundaries, and build healthier relationships. It enhances self-confidence and empowers you to achieve your goals. Q2. Can anyone learn to be assertive? A2. Yes, assertiveness is a skill that can be learned and practiced. It requires self-awareness, techniques, and consistent effort. Q3. Is assertiveness the same as being aggressive? A3. No, assertiveness is distinct from aggression. Assertiveness involves expressing opinions and needs respectfully, while aggression disregards the feelings and rights of others. Q4. How can I overcome fear and anxiety when expressing myself assertively? A4. Overcoming fear and anxiety requires self-reflection, addressing underlying insecurities, and practicing assertive techniques gradually. Seeking support from a therapist or coach can also be beneficial. Q5. Can assertiveness be misunderstood as rudeness? A5. Assertiveness should not be confused with rudeness. It involves expressing oneself respectfully and tactfully, considering the perspective of others. Conclusion: In conclusion, mastering assertiveness techniques is essential for enhancing self-expression and establishing healthy relationships in various aspects of life. By developing an assertive mindset, improving communication skills, and effectively navigating challenging situations, you can unlock your true potential and lead a more fulfilling life. Remember, assertiveness is a lifelong journey that requires consistent practice, self-reflection, and perseverance. Embrace the power of assertiveness and empower yourself to become the best version of yourself. [ad_2] #Assertiveness #Techniques #Essential #Social #Skills #Tips #Tricks #SelfExpression

[friendlyneighbourhoodspider]

Pedophiles, Nazis, and ‘The Gays’

TW: Sexual assault, fascism, homophobia/transphobia/etc.

It’s close to the end of Pride month! Alternatively, for some purposes, Homophobia/Transphobia Awareness Month. Stochastic terrorism continues to rear its ugly head in the good ol’ US of A, robbing numerous beautiful members of our national community of their lives. Furthermore, there seems to be an appalling amount of sympathy for those who continue to propagate this antisocial carnage. The powers that be on the internet surely have an interest in magnifying the most sensational – hence, nastiest - perspectives; yet whatever disproportionate magnification of these views is occurring, any amount of approval north of zero for hate crimes is appalling.

Gay people are (still) being threatened physically for the mere fact of their existence, and some people seem ambivalent, or even pleased about it. Further, if even Columbine, Sandy Hook, Uvalde, and an emphatically resentful et cetera, were insufficient to encourage a collective agreement within our country to lay down the bulk of our deadly weaponry for the benefit of our neighbours’ safety, it seems tragically even less likely that meaningful preventative strategies will gain the political support that any of these homophobic atrocities plead with us to lend such policies. In this case, however, even the very value of the lives lost is not, for some abominable reason, even universally presumed in the public consensus. But I do not need to elaborate on this any further. It is evil to condone hate crimes. I would like to explore a portion why some people seem to do so anyways.

Immediate disclaimers: (1) I hope to explore possible reasonsfor which someone might choose to justify, condone, or even perpetrate homophobic hate crimes. This is absolutely not an attempt to ethically justify or excuse such behaviour. (2) Rivers of ink have been spilled about how we ought to engage with terrible, harmful ideas without platforming/promoting them. I will do my best to write responsibly, by referring to more comprehensive resources as authoritative guides.

With these premises of our discussion asserted, we can begin in earnest. One way to discover a person’s motivations is to ask them, ‘what are your motivations?’ Some have publicly expressed unfounded concerns about ‘pedophiles’ and ‘groomers’ engaged in sexual abuse, sometimes with the alleged support of substantial institutions. Now as unpalatable as it may be, I believe one may stand to learn at least a little from a dedicated dissection of this baldly ridiculous reasoning. The relevant premises are despite appearances, somewhat involved:

i) LGBTQ+ identities entail a higher-than-average risk of pedophilic inclinations

ii) People who have such identities, experiencing pedophilia, often choose to act on it in an abusive manner

Conclusion I) Therefore, LGBTQ+ friendly institutions, by supporting such community members, aid and abet the aforementioned abuse, either wittingly or unwittingly, in at least some instances.

iii) It is important to prevent sexual assault

Conclusion II) Therefore, it is important to prevent sexual assault condoned and/or abetted by LGBTQ+ friendly institutions

iv) The basic rights of sexual abusers are generally superseded by a communal responsibility to protect their potential and/or actual victims

Conclusion III) Therefore, any and all means of ‘prevention’ as established in Conclusion II) are permissible.

v) Mass murder is an effective means of disrupting the actions of a community or institution

Now I can’t bring myself to state the relevant conclusions here explicitly, even as a paraphrase of a speculated view. I hope its basic horrendous nature is clear enough for all practical purposes.

Why is this reasoning at all interesting? Premise i) is patently absurd, and without it, the whole thing falls apart like a house of cards. However, another interesting premise is iv), and its support of conclusion III). It is interesting because of its appeal to related, more popular ethical convictions: for example that capital punishment can be an appropriate criminal sentence, especially in as far as the right to life of a known murderer may be seen as subordinate to, according to some arguments, the rights of others to safety from such violence. Most importantly, however, premise iv) represents a breed of dangerous political rhetoric that pops up in the context of many different political issues, including both sexual assault and fascism. The current extreme example may serve to illuminate the features and functionality of such rhetoric, making it easier to spot and (if necessary) avoid going forwards.

We can first seek to understand how this rhetoric works, and the limited, specific sense in which criticizing a political opponent as pedophilic can serve a similar function to criticizing a political opponent as fascist. The qualifier of ‘limited and specific’ is crucial, and will be elaborated shortly. To begin, however, the essential feature of this rhetoric is to encourage dismissal of some political opponent’s interests on the grounds that they embody some form of ‘pure capital-E Evil’, often identified as either a perpetrator of sexual violence (particularly against children), or as a supporter of fascist, race-supremacist, or other political ideology commonly seen as distasteful. In the right circles, an accusation of ‘communism’ or indeed ‘post-modern cultural neo-marxism’ will work just as well. To be clear, the present discussion does not seek to argue against the honest identification of criminals or misguided demagogues, but to focus on the dangers of such identification when performed dis-honestly.As stated previously, it is a particularly glaring issue when this identification is employed to encourage the dismissal of a political opponent’s views out of hand, without any further interrogation.

Even this purpose, however, may have limited justifiable uses. A person’s actual involvement in sexual violence is always a relevant grain of salt to take alongside any of their commentary regarding related topics, such as gender politics. A person’s public support for genuine white supremacist fascism can and should make anyone think twice before agreeing with them in any political sphere. These are not dangerous rhetorical precautions. The danger in these categorizations arises especially, of course, when the categorization of ‘fascist’ or ‘pedophile’ or whatever other label is not actually warranted. This is a particularly significant problem for accusations of fascism, because accepting a person’s views and attitudes as fascist genuinely requires one to adopt a rather hostile attitude towards them both rhetorically and personally. While such misidentification is also a problem for accusations of pedophilia, this latter version of the rhetorical tactic suffers much more strongly from the problem of exaggerated implications.

Even if a person experiences pedophilia, they are presumably as capable as anyone else of choosing not to commit any crimes on a daily basis, and therefore it is counterproductive vilify them outside the standard bounds of reasonable criminal justice. Further, even ifone accepts the ethical and legal legitimacy of capital punishment as a criminal sentence, it is clear that even the most heinous perpetrator of sexual violence deserves protection under the law from extrajudicial murder. There may be some anarchists out there opposed to the state’s monopoly on lethal violence, but for now I will not spend the words necessary to address the views of this apparent political minority. Taking the above premises as given, we find the applications of rhetoric concerning supposed pedophilia within the LGBTQ+ community to in many cases be much more unreasonably exaggerated than comparable applications of rhetoric concerning purported fascism within various political groups. Simply put, people are not committing (or even really advocating) mass murders against suspected nazis. They are not even murdering actual card-carrying members of the KKK (to be clear: I would not condone such acts). Accusations of fascism in the USA will at worst alienate you from the nation’s liberal majority. Accusations of pedophilia, particularly in association with a non-heteronormative sexual or gender identity, will at worst get you murdered.

There is another key distinction between accusations of fascism (or other political ideologies seen as distasteful) and accusations of pedophilia as they are applied in American political discourse: one can always choose not to agree with fascism anymore, but one can’t choose to stop experiencing pedophilia. If I believe you to be a neo-nazi, I can change my mind with relative ease if I witness enough speech indicating your disagreement with fundamental nazi ideals. Furthermore, it will be very difficult for me to maintain my belief in the face of such persistent disavowals. If I believe you to be a pedophile, there is relatively little you can do to convincingly and conclusively demonstrate otherwise, especially if it would be very convenient for my politics that this be true. This mirrors the more general contrast between fascist and anti-fascist rhetoric identified via Abigail Thorne’s Youtube channel: “if you’re a fascist, and antifascists [threaten] you, you have a choice...you could just go on with the rest of your life and stop turning up to fascist rallies...But if you’re a person of colour, if you’re trans or a person with a disability, or gay or jewish or whatever and fascists [threaten] you there is nothing you can do that will make them happy except stop existing.” Fascist rhetoric is therefore served uniquely well in the face of an audience unwilling to protect the fundamental rights of any group, pedophiles or otherwise, as long as the targets of the fascists can, however tenuously, be equated with whatever political scapegoats are du jour.

To sum up, even if it were true that members of the LGBTQ+ community are disproportionately pedophilic (it is not), and even if it were true that this community and the institutions that support it enable them to perpetrate sexual violence (it is not), hate crimes against them would still be just as evil as they actually are. The violent bigots are wrong. In other news, the Pope is Catholic. But the rhetoric that supports the dangerous perspectives in question is informative in as far as it plays a game of identity politics whereby the Bad(tm) individuals must be entirely ostracized from society because their Badness is seen to be innate, incorrigible, and explicitly dangerous. We can use this example to identify risks in similar kinds of rhetoric in discussions around adherents to fascist and communist ideas. As elaborated previously, the parallel is admittedly not perfect. Nevertheless, if we are serious about building a more just society, we must attempt the difficult task of resisting the harmful ideologies that surround us, without succumbing to the temptation of arbitrary in-group/out-group dichotomies. The neo-nazis are sure to win from the start if we agree to play by their rules.

Resources Re: Engaging with extremist ideology

Inuendo Studios on a pertinent alt-right rhetorical tactic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmVkJvieaOA

An Argument for rhetorical deplatforming: http://www.mountholyokenews.com/opinion/2021/10/10/debating-the-alt-right-is-counterproductive

Responding to concerns about infringing ‘free speech’: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/feb/27/free-speech-debate-milo-yiannopoulos-alt-right-censorship

Mx. Thorne on the choice available to fascists, but unavailable to the targets of their abuse: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgwS_FMZ3nQ&t=1627s

[anti-catradora-receipts]

I really had to see someone say catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her. And claimed that i "didnt know what abuse was". Well i guess the abuse that ive been through in relationships (platonic and romantic), that has often been like catra/adoras dynamic, wasnt abuse huh. Guess im not an abuse victim after all by that logic

Dear anon,

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for everything you’ve been through. And I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. I really hope you’re doing okay and taking care of yourself.

Secondly, I disagree with the person’s statement of “catra didnt abuse adora bc she "didnt have a position of power" over her.” That’s false. 

Catra admits to manipulating Adora during the show. And this article talks about manipulation in a relationship and how manipulation is all about power and control. I extracted some parts of the article and placed it right below (within the quotation marks): 

“People who manipulate use mental distortion and emotional exploitation to influence and control others. Their intent is to have power and control over others to get what they want.

A manipulators knows what your weaknesses are and will use them against you. This will keep happening unless you actively and assertively put a stop to it. That said, it is not always easy.”

Next, this article is from the perspective of a victim of abuse after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. The author of the article wanted to better understand their past abusive relationship and shared the insights that they gained from reading the book, ‘Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor’. I feel that the article illustrates in depth the enormous power imbalance between Catra and Adora and I extracted some parts of the article and put it below (within the double quotations): 

“After leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, I found myself needing to understand what had happened. Like most people who leave a volatile situation I was, quite simply, unable to process and articulate what was wrong. Apart from being incredibly vulnerable, I was also just too close to my own situation to see it objectively.

So I decided to read Power Games: Confronting Others’ Hurtful Behaviour and Transforming Our Own by Kay Douglas and Dr Kim McGregor. What I found was a wealth of information confirming what I couldn’t express or even see for myself. Here are some choice insights from the book, as well as some of my own thoughts*:

1. Control is always at the heart of a power game. The need to assert control will usually involve undermining and/or discrediting another to achieve our own ends. For example, we are using power games when we:

bully or intimidate someone into agreeing with our demands;

bait and provoke others through disturbing statements or actions and then claim they’re being over-sensitive/emotional, crazy or irrational (known as gaslighting); 

...

engage in name calling, put-downs, harsh criticism or threats.

2. Manipulators are not concerned with taking responsibility for their decisions/behaviours/feelings. Instead, they create a smokescreen by shifting the focus or blame to others. And consequently, the other party must assume the responsibility for making the situation ‘better’. If the other party is a ‘good’ person, they will comply with whatever demands are issued (peace at any price). As soon as they resist, however, the manipulator is likely to go on the attack.

3. For the receiver, cumulative exposure to such tumult may reduce self-esteem and increase anxiety, resentment and fear. Receivers will experience intense emotional reactions and may end up interpreting these as proof they are selfish, unbalanced, over-sensitive and unreasonable. They may lose their sense of self; either over-compensating to ‘get it right’ and ‘be better’ or even adopting manipulative tactics against others.

...

4. For the receiver, regaining personal power starts with a shift in one’s thinking. More specifically, an acknowledgement that the manipulator must take responsibility for their feelings and behaviours and any future change. It is accepting that the dynamic needs to change and learning to distinguish between real and manufactured guilt. It is constructing and defending boundaries and a willingness to listen to what anger is trying to say. It is the ability to cut through the smokescreen tactics and see the situation clearly. It is the ability to speak one’s truth and articulate one’s feelings. It is honouring the self. And, sometimes, this will mean leaving.

What I learned is that while not everyone who feels inadequate is a manipulator, every manipulator feels inadequate. So do we all, I know. But, what sets manipulators apart is the way they consistently and systematically re-distribute this inadequacy onto others.

...

What I also learned is that by disengaging I was not giving up, but that I was actively saying ‘I am worth more than this’.”

On a personal note, I just wanted to point out some additional reasons I see a huge power imbalance between Catra and Adora:

- The fact that Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora and Catra was not willing to give up her control of Adora.

- The fact that Adora seems to be the one who is constantly scared of Catra. At the present moment, I can only remember two scenes when Catra is scared of Adora: when Adora gets corrupted and attacks Catra at the beginning of White Out (S2E5), and when Adora gives Catra “The Look” at the end of The Portal (S3E6) . In addition, take a look at this scene. Adora honestly believes that Catra is going to kill her:

- The fact that Catra is completely okay with taking away Adora’s power. In the following scene, Catra doesn’t even see Adora as a person but as a tool. Catra literally states that they’ll use the corrupted sword in order to control Adora and use Adora as an advantage for the Horde. Catra even states that she’ll control Adora to kill Adora’s own friends. That is unbelievably sick. Moreover, Catra was completely okay with controlling Adora’s choices and actions. In fact, this scene supports the fact that Catra was completely okay with taking away Adora’s freedom. 

And honestly, there are some stark similarities between the previous scene with Catra and the following scene with Shadow Weaver. Shadow Weaver was ready to take away Adora’s power and use Adora as a tool against the Rebellion. 

I’d also like to point out that what Catra was willing to do to Adora, Horde Prime had actually done to Catra in S5. Catra’s power and freedom was taken away by Horde Prime and Horde Prime controlled Catra to attack Adora. The fact that Horde Prime took away Catra’s power and freedom was cruel and despicable. And the fact that Catra was willing to take away Adora’s power and freedom is cruel and despicable. 

Moreover, Adora ended up with Catra, a person who was perfectly okay with taking away Adora’s freedom and power. 

That is absolutely vile.

Finally I just want to add that my pinned post titled “Catra abused Adora.” has hyperlinks to resources relating to abuse:

- The Emotional Abuse section is reviewed by professionals. 

- The Physical Abuse section is provided by an online mental health service in Australia.

And these resources confirm that Catra emotionally and physically abuses Adora. 

In conclusion, you are right to say that Catra abuses Adora. Again, I’m really sorry that someone tried to invalidate your experiences with abuse. And I really hope you know that your feelings about Catradora are completely valid. 

I genuinely hope you’re talking care of yourself. Seriously, please make sure you check in with yourself and prioritize some self-care. 

Thank you very much for sharing. ✨

[shevathegun]

what ive learned about aphobia is that it frequently manifests not in the outright decree that asexual and aromantic people are not lgbt or are not discriminated against as queer people. aphobia, like most bigotry, is often cowardly in its manifestation. much more often, it simply looks like people who just really love to humiliate and shame asexual and aromantic people. 

like its amazing how infrequently i, an aromantic asexual person in search of community, stumble upon a-spectrum bad takes. they exist, certainly. every circus has its clowns, every village its idiot. but for some reason, i almost never see A-Spectrum Bad Takes(TM) within the safety of my own community. for some weird reason, i only seem to see them when people circulate them for the express purpose of mocking and humiliating a-spectrum people. 

it’s happened probably over 50 times now that i’ve been following someone who otherwise seems safe to interact with, only for them to blithely reblog a post prominently featuring A-Spectrum Bad Take Cringe Content(TM). look at this idiot, the posts invariably say. look at this a-spectrum person being a fool. isn’t it fucking ludicrous for them to come into queer spaces and assert their identity? don’t they look asinine?

and what can i say? the takes featured are often, indeed, bad. they are takes i myself disagree with. but the optics are specific. the optics are inarguable.

the optics are that you, the reblogger, enjoy the public pillory of a-spectrum people. it amuses and delights you to see someone who is asexual or aromantic humiliate themselves in public, and you gleefully circulate posts featuring exactly that. you enjoy seeing people mock and degrade us. that brings you joy.

because you have immense contempt for all asexual and aromantic people. because you hate and resent us. because you perceive us all as either deserving to be publicly shamed, or as deserving to be silenced, or both. 

because you’re an aphobe.

[sloppy-butcher]

my requests are ALWAYS open babey!!! and that probs because i never actually get requests 

baby dwight is always fun to write about so thank you for the request!

i included some nsfw headcanons below the cut because im a slut and i cannot help myself

OKAY I REALLY FUCKED OUT ON THIS ONE TUMBLR SUCKS ASS first the cut didnt work and now ive lost the ask. i got a screenshot tho its real professional hours

the reader is a survivor because,… yes

Relationship HeadCanons for Dwight Fairfield

In the beginning of your relationship, Dwight would be very passive. You would have to be the driving hammer, taking the active role in order to keep your relationship moving forward. You were the one who noticed his stares, you were the one who first sat with him and you were the one to express your feelings for him. However, don’t mistake his inactivity for a lack of affection, Dwight does deeply care for you. It’s more that he doesn’t believe himself worthy of your attention. He keeps to himself, hoping that his feelings would silently die while you went off to find someone more deserving of your love. But you were observant and persistent and after a long while, he finally begins to understand that in some bizarre and totally bombastic scenario you had fallen in love with him.

Dwight likes to get you presents. He doesn’t consider himself to be overall handsome or outgoing in conversations so he feels that interacting with him is a very tiresome and tedious task. He tries to lessen his guilt by collecting and giving you gifts, like sacrificial offerings given to appease hateful Gods. A new flashlight he got from Ace, a cool, full-equipped toolbox from Jake and so on. He never expects anything from you, your time alone is simply enough for the poor boy, he even goes as far as to refuse anything you’d try to give him. “Keep it for yourself,” he said waving his hands dismissively, “You’d get better use out of it anyway.” However, no matter how hard he would try to sway you from getting him anything you would always find a way. Kisses, no matter the kind, are the one thing he cannot refuse nor give back. So you would kiss him any chance you got. Just got back from a trial, kiss on the cheek. He got you another present, a kiss on the nose. He starts doubting his worth as both a leader and boyfriend, a long meaningful smooch on the lips. Regardless of what kiss it would be, Dwight would always go beet red and unconsciously rub whatever part of him you had touched. He could be heard mumbling afterwards “Wow. That really happened.”

Dwight has trouble believing in himself, maybe because he never really had a good support group growing up or maybe because people just don’t take him seriously. Whatever it may be, it has resulted in him being naturally timid and shy. However, the world of the Fog is anything but natural so when push comes to shove Dwight changes his tune. In the heat of a desperate trial Dwight takes charge; he motivates others, encouraging them to follow the plan and get their jobs done efficiently and effectively. He’s inspiring. At least to you. Sometimes the others would doubt the man questioning his judgment and often going against his ideas. Dwight also has his flaws. He panics when someone tries to argue or attempt to reason with him, even if someone has a valid point Dwight ignores them. His hold over power was always so fragile that it makes him nervous when others suggest a plan that he did not come up with himself. “If people don’t need to look up to me then I’m useless.” You would see Dwight spiral down a dark hole, losing grip on reality and focus. “Dwight,” You softly call out to him, taking his shaking hand in yours and squeezing. He stops, turns and looks at you with eyes wild and watery. You pass him a comforting smile. “We’re listening to you, Dwight. Please also listen to us.” It would take a moment but like ice melting in the sun, Dwight would calm, his hurried breathing evening out and his mind ceasing to race away from him. You brought him back to Earth, back to the situation at hand. And you reminded him that no matter what he thought he always mattered. You did this all with just a small, loving smile.

Dwight is the master of puppy-looks. As he gets more confident in his relationship he learns how to manipulate (not that Dwight is actually capable of asserting himself over you like that) you in do doing whatever he wanted. You’d be chatting with some other survivors when all of a sudden the hairs on the back of your neck would stand on end. Turning around you’d see Dwight all on his lonesome. All he had to do was flash you those brown puppies and you’d be by his side.

NSFW! Dwight gets turned on way too easily. A hug that got a little too tight, a kiss that used more tongue than normal or simply even a wondering hand that got a wee bit close to his crotch. Everything is a yes to him. Hopefully, his S/O will have more experience in all things sex because Dwight is undoubtedly a baby. But he’s willing to please. Oh so ready and happy. The first time he saw what effect he had on his partner, the absolute pleasure he could give them, Dwight vowed to do anything to keep their pleasure and bliss, dare I say, coming. Expect a lot of “Is this okay?” and “Am I doing this right?” Just keep reassuring him, “Dwight, just do whatever makes you feel good.”

“Dwight~,” You whined as you got down on your knees and unbuckled his pants. He gasped and flung his hands up as if the police had just busted his drug operation. “Pull my hair.” An audible ‘whaaaaat?’ came from the man as he struggled to swallow, his eyes watching you masterfully push his boxers out of the way. You gave Dwight one last, slightly annoyed, look before you set to work. Dwight whimpered and very slowly grabbed a lock of your hair. He couldn’t understand how pulling your hair would feel nice for you but he couldn’t deny you although he did it delicately and gently.

If you are a female, please peg this man.

[puddygeeks]

Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 70: Sᴇᴇᴅs ᴏғ Dɪsᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ

Masterlist

Rating: Mature

Summary: During her time in the Skybox, Indigo formed a precious friendship with fellow outcast Octavia Blake, the girl under the floor. At first they thought their departure from the oppression of the Ark was a blessing, but quickly came to rely on Indigo's keen survival instincts. The 100 struggle to meet the challenges of Earth whilst Bellamy strives to lead the wavering teenagers and his irresponsible attitude fuels constant conflict with Indigo. Their only shared interest is in protecting Octavia and Indigo beings to suspect that there is a deeper cause to Bellamy's seemingly irrational choices. As the consequences of his actions mount up around him, he finally begins to confide in her and she discovers more than she ever bargained for.

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Episodes: Watch The Thrones

Chapter Seventy

My body felt heavy as I gradually stirred and the first thing that I noticed in my environment was the consistent beep of a heart monitor. Something was in my nostrils, irritating my nose and I could feel dressings of some kind stuck to multiple parts of my skin. There was an intense soreness in my chest, feeling as if I had been bruised all over and I felt the familiar tight sensation of stitches.

Exhaustion hung over me, preventing me from opening my eyes too soon and my mind swirled over the last events in my memory as I tried to make sense of what was happening. The explosion of Mount Weather replayed in my mind and I felt my heart skip a beat in panic, allowing me a burst of energy to wake from the medication that was being pumped into an IV.

The medical unit swam into view and it took a few moments for me to process the fact that I was back in Arkada. People rushed around me, seeming flustered by my movement as if they had not expected it and I strained to concentrate on their words.

“Get Abby. She’s waking up!” Jackson’s voice alerted, before hurrying over to my side in concern and he slapped my hands away as I attempted to pull an oxygen tube from my nose.

“Morning, sleepyhead. Now listen, don’t go getting all excited and jumping around. You’re not long out of surgery, so you still need to rest. I’m just going to run some obs on you to check how you’re doing whilst you get your bearings.” He explained, moving to wheel over a blood pressure machine with a bunch of other medical tools sitting in a basket that was attached to it and I nodded to consent to anything that he felt he needed to do.

Everything felt horribly bright to my tired eyes, but fortunately the ward was empty so I could take my time to reorient myself without any interruption. My memories of how I survived the explosion were hazy in my muddled mind and I was sure that I remembered Jackson arriving at the perfect moment to treat me, but I couldn’t think of any reason why he would have been there.

“Am I imagining things, or did you save my life?” I muttered, my voice still hoarse from smoke inhalation and Jackson smiled down at me as he worked.

He finished placing the blood pressure cuff on my arm and set it to begin squeezing my arm, then busied himself with taking my temperature. I waited patiently for an answer, my blinks lazy and long as I still battled to wake up and once he was content that he’d done all he needed too, Jackson perched on the edge of the bed to view me with evident fondness.

“Sinclair radioed to ask me to come to staff the med bay in the mountain as soon as the rescue party left. Just in case things went bad, he thought it made sense to have me standing-by where the best of our equipment was.” He explained calmly, observing me closely as he filled in a medical chart and I hummed thoughtfully, surprised at how efficient Sinclair had been whilst we were leaderless. “Fortunately, it took a while to get there, so I was just in time to witness your crazy stunt.” He quipped, glancing up at me with a cheeky glint in his eye and I smiled weakly at him.

Before I could manage a response, Abby rounded the corner and thinned her eyes at me in a manner that indicated that I was in trouble. Jackson noticed my attitude become tense and glanced back at her, before grimacing slightly. He instantly got to his feet, sneaking me a supportive smile as he packed up the equipment and then made himself scarce.

“You have us quite a scare, Indigo. Again.” Abby declared, nearing to check my stats on the machines and I knew that I was in for a lecture. 

“I only just found out that you asked Jackson to hide your broken ribs from everyone. Do you understand how irresponsible that was? If he hadn’t arrived at Mount Weather just after the explosion, you would have died from your injuries. You’re very lucky that you still didn’t.” She scolded, standing above me with a stern expression and I moved my gaze to my feet awkwardly.

“I’m sorry, Abby.” I whispered, feeling completely unprepared to defend my actions when I was this weak and I chewed on my lip. 

Deep down, I knew that I deserved to hear this and she was right to be furious at me for my actions, but whilst every part of my body was aching, I was all too aware of the effect of my decisions. I didn’t need anyone to tell me that I had been foolish, but I swallowed my pride to allow them their reactions and she sighed in an exhausted manner as she regarded me.

“I’m not the only person that you need to apologise to. Sometimes, I’m not convinced that you realise the impact you have on this camp. Your remaining group all depend on each other for their wellbeing and each time that we lose one of you, the rest of you suffer. They all worry for you and you know better than anyone that when they worry, they make bad decisions. In the time that I’ve known you, you’ve always acted as if you are the most mature of your group and have taken the role of being responsible for them. I’m sorry if this is difficult to hear, but it’s time for you to realise that your actions will get them killed if you don’t start learning to share the burden.” She advised, her voice low and serious, and I finally met her eyes with regret.

“You’re right.” I admitted, fiddling with my hands awkwardly, feeling as if I were staring into the face of my own disappointed mother and as I opened my mouth to continue, Bellamy hurtled around the corner in a fluster.

Though Abby tried to warn him off with her body language, clearly keen to finish our conversation without him fussing over me, he refused to await permission to interrupt. He charged past her to reach my bedside with desperation and had to pause just before he reached me to soften his movements so that he wouldn’t unintentionally hurt me in his enthusiasm.

“You’re finally awake!” He breathed, relief filling his handsome features as he gently took my face in his hands and placed a cautious kiss on my forehead, as if he were afraid that he might break me. “You really scared me this time, Inds. I thought I was gonna lose you.” He confessed in a weak voice, his eyes still red from crying and whilst he was close enough for me to properly examine him, I began to notice how broken down he looked.

“I’m fine, Bel. I’m not going anywhere.” I answered reassuringly, keen to put his troubled mind at ease and without even looking at her, I could feel Abby raising her brows at me as she cleared her throat.

“Actually, she’s not fine.” She clarified, stepping closer with her arms crossed and Bellamy turned to view her with interest. “In the interest of transparency, as your girlfriend has a history of hiding important medical information, you should know that she has three broken ribs, one of which caused the puncture in her lung. These breaks occurred almost six weeks ago in a fight, I’m told, and so although they shouldn’t give her too much trouble in future, they are something that will need to be taken into consideration from now on. Fortunately, we were able to confirm in surgery that they’re mostly healed at this point, as much as it is possible for them to.” She reported, allowing Bellamy a chance to sneak a frustrated glance at me that made me shrink in shame, before she continued.

“However, her lung has taken some substantial damage. We will need to monitor her breathing to ensure that it continues to heal and doesn’t collapse again. She’s also sustained several second degree burns, which will need regular dressing changes and care. Not to mention that she just underwent life saving surgery which will leave her weak and vulnerable. We’ll keep her here overnight, at least, but I need to make it clear that she is not to go on patrol, or guard duty, or partake in any kind of strenuous activity for some time, and absolutely not without my express permission. This is serious and I expect it to be treated as such.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure that it is.” Bellamy asserted, his voice deeply serious now that he knew the full extent of my injuries and I already recognised from his tone that I was about to be in far worse trouble with him than I ever had been with Abby.

“I’ll let you two catch up for now. But, Indigo, you and I are not finished.” Abby stated, flashing me one last severe glare, before she departed and I gulped down my dread as I anticipated the rest of my punishment from her.

Once we were alone, I could sense the tension in the air and Bellamy turned to study me with an obvious sense of betrayal that made me want the ground to open up and swallow me.

“Indie. What is going on with you?” He asked, furrowing his brows together as if he couldn’t understand what he had just been told and I shuffled in discomfort as his dark eyes studied me. “Why didn’t you tell me about the broken ribs?” He grilled, his tone displaying the hurt that he felt at this discovery and I could hardly stand how awful I felt about this decision now.

“Because I knew that you would make that face.” I answered in a sulky manner as I peeked up at the protective expression that he was wearing and I watched as he attempted to disguise the overbearing concern that was present in his eyes with little success.

“What face?”

“The face that you’re making right now. The poor, delicate Indie face. I hate that face.” I grumbled childishly as I crossed my arms, despising the way that he fretted over me whenever I was hurt and he cracked a slight smile at my confession. 

“You know, I hate your face is a terrible way to start an apology.” He replied mockingly and though I was appreciative of his efforts to lighten the conversation, I couldn’t deny the awful feeling that was taking root in the pit of my stomach.

“I know that I should have told you. Even at the time, I knew it was wrong to cover it up.” I began, knitting my hands together nervously and he slipped a hand between them to stop me, instead just holding it comfortingly. “I knew that if you all found out, you would take me off patrol and guard duty, and I would just be trapped inside Arkadia, going totally crazy. It’s selfish, but I wanted to be able to go out with you, to make sure that you were okay. I couldn’t go back to waiting for you to come home.”

“We could’ve restricted your duties, so that you weren’t totally grounded.” He argued, seeming disappointed that I hadn’t trusted him to compromise with me and the guilt of this choice compounded in my chest. “You have to be more careful with your decisions, Indie. Keeping this to yourself could have gotten you seriously hurt at any time. You almost died!” He added with his voice raising in frustration as he considered it and I struggled to defend myself against his points.

“I know. It was stupid and reckless, and I knew that, but I did it anyway.” I confirmed, unable to lie any longer about my mindset at the time and Bellamy tilted his head at me as if to silently ask why I still did it. “I needed to keep coming out with you all, so that I could protect you. I couldn’t stand the thought of anything happening to you whilst I was recovering. As it turns out, my protection didn’t make a damn bit of difference when it really counted.” I added bitterly, dropping my gaze to my lap to avoid his reaction as I felt my eyes welling up and I could sense that he was studying me.

“What are you talking about?” He enquired with confusion, leaning forward to meet my gaze and I cleared my throat in a pointless attempt to keep the emotion from my voice.

“I failed her. Gina died because I left her alone. If I had stayed with her, I could’ve protected her. I could’ve protected all of Mount Weather. Instead, all I did was save myself.” I divulged, a feeling of utter shame overwhelming me as I recalled the moment that I ran, leaving everyone to die and Bellamy grabbed my chin to force me to look at him.

“Hey. Don’t do that to yourself.” He ordered, viewing me with disbelief and I felt my heart breaking in my chest as I tried to push the invasive memory away. “The Ice Nation sent an assassin into somewhere that we considered a safe space. Your guard was down. You weren’t even armed! If you’d been in that room, chances are that you would be dead too. This wasn’t your fault.” He stressed this point, leaning closer as desperately tried to reach past my self-loathing and I felt the first of many tears escape my control.

“I gave up, Bellamy. I just ran out of the facility to save myself. I could’ve saved other people, but I didn’t. I only thought of myself.” I revealed, feeling disgusted as I shared this with the overpowering fear that he would never be able to see me the same way and instead, he surveyed me with a pained understanding.

“You made a difficult decision in an impossible situation. You shouldn’t be ashamed of wanting to live, Love.” He advised, squeezing my hand and I sniffed to contain the wave of tears that willed to flow down my cheeks. “You remember the first time that we had an honest chat? When you followed me into the woods after Atom died, and you almost collapsed, and found me totally losing my mind with guilt?” He recalled quietly, taking me back to an encounter that I had long forgotten and I nodded slowly in response, allowing him to continue.

“You were the one that pointed out that we weren’t trained to make these choices. You told me that I would make mistakes, but that it would allow me to learn. We’ve both made a lot of mistakes since we landed here and we’ve become better survivors from it. At heart though, we’re still those same kids with no training. We’re doing the best that we can. I promise you, the best thing to do in that situation was to live, because we need you. I need you.” He spoke from the heart, reaching out to brush a tear from my cheek with such tenderness that it caused the dam inside me to break and I took a sharp breath as the emotion exploded out of me.

“I couldn’t save her.” I gasped in remorse, finally allowing the true depth of my pain to show and Bellamy shushed me gently. “I tried so hard. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to put pressure on the wounds, and-and I wanted to carry her to medical, but she wouldn’t let me. I really tried to help her and she still died in my arms. I couldn’t save her, Bellamy!” I cried as sobs wracked my chest causing another wave of pain and he pulled me to him.

It was hard to breathe as I wept against his chest, my still recovering lungs struggling to manage the sharp breaths of my cries, but Bellamy simply held me close and smoothed my hair, allowing me an opportunity to fall apart. Whenever I felt this broken, I craved his comfort in a way that I couldn’t put into words and his embrace melted away all of the outside influences that pressed down on me until it was just him and I.

“I know that you did everything you could. You always do. Sometimes it’s just not enough. You can’t blame yourself.” He soothed as he reasoned with my frazzled mind and although logically I knew that he was right, I felt that it would likely take some time before I was able to believe it for myself.

Time passed without my notice as I waited for my emotions to become manageable and Bellamy remained patiently holding me, content to allow me all of the time that I needed with him. 

The warmth of his body gradually calmed me and eventually, I noticed that my eyes were stinging with tiredness again. The weight of the anaesthetic still hung over me and as I sat back to look up at him, he gave me a concerned look.

“It looks like you could do with some rest.” He remarked with a subtle sense of worry as I laid back on my pillow with a drowsy head and he lovingly pushed my fuzzy hair behind my ears, his touch lingering on the side of my face. “I’ll come back later to check on you.” He breathed as he moved to stand, but I grabbed his hand in a desperate bid for him to stay, clinging onto him with all the strength that I could muster.

Bellamy paused, looking back down at me from his towering height with a sympathetic smile and I battled to keep my eyes open, unwilling to be parted from him yet. After a few moments of consideration, he returned to sitting on the bed and placed a hand back on my forehead, tracing tender circles on my skin.

“Alright. I’ll stay until you fall asleep.” He conceded, observing me with such fondness that it made my heart swell and I released a small sigh of contentment. “I still need to read you to sleep, afterall.” He added with a smirk and as a smile filled my lips at the idea, I found myself drifting to sleep.

❖ ── ✦ ──『✙』── ✦ ── ❖

When I next woke, it was to an empty bed and the ward was almost totally quiet other than Jackson, who was completing paperwork nearby whilst also keeping an eye on me. It was as if Abby and him expected me to dramatically bolt out of here at any moment, ensuring that I was guarded at all times, but I honestly didn’t have the strength to escape from anywhere at the moment. 

Though I wondered where Bellamy had got to, I knew that I was trapped in this bed for now and would need to come to terms with it sooner or later.

I sighed in frustration, looking around for something that could occupy my frantic mind when I noticed a book sitting on the table beside me with a note on the front. The moment that I gripped it, I recognised Bellamy’s scruffy handwriting and a smile filled my face.

I KNOW I PROMISED TO READ THIS TO YOU, BUT I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED SOMETHING TO DO TO KEEP YOU OUT OF MISCHIEF. READ THIS AND REST, MY TROUBLE. B x

Peeling the note from the cover revealed the copy of The Iliad that I had gifted him recently and I appreciated how thoughtful a gesture this was. With little else to occupy me, I fidgeted into a comfortable position and lost myself in the book.

As I absorbed the story, I could just imagine a young Bellamy with his mop of curly hair and adorable freckles, enthralled by the adventures in the pages. The idea caused a sense of happiness that helped to push away the weight of my grief and for a while, I was relaxed. So relaxed, in fact, that I didn’t notice the sound of the doors, or the person approaching, until they cleared their throat and startled me.

“Oh, Kane. You scared me!” I gasped, gripping my chest with a genuine anxiety as I panted and he held his hands up in surrender.

“My apologies.” He commented, glancing down at the book with amusement and I used Bellamy’s note as a bookmark before closing it. “I thought I would check how you were doing. Abby tells me that it was touch and go for a while?” He clarified, settling casually in a seat beside the bed and I gulped at the thought of another lecture.

“I’m okay.” I answered quietly, meeting his eyes with a nervous feeling and wondering if I could survive another talk on my foolish behaviour. “I know that what I did was stupid and irresponsible-”

“I’m not here to punish you. From what I understand, your Chancellor already beat me to it.” He remarked lightly, a playful smile dancing across his face and I breathed a sigh of relief. “I thought that I would update you on the events of the Summit, if you’re feeling up to it?” He offered in his usual wise demeanour and I nodded fervently, pleased that he still addressed me with the same sense of value, even when I felt completely broken and helpless.

“Please. All anyone wants to talk about is how much of an idiot I’ve been.” I grumbled, allowing myself to indulge in a moment of self pity and he chuckled under his breath. “No one has told me anything. What’s our situation?”

“We have become the thirteenth clan in the Commander’s coalition, officially recognised as Skaikru.” He began, causing my mouth to drop open in shock and he rolled up his sleeve to reveal a large brand on his forearm that represented our unity. “Lexa knew that The Ice Nation wished to kill her and she planned to show the coalition that she had acquired Wanheda’s power, without being forced to kill Clarke. We completed the joining process just before Bellamy and the others burst in.” He explained, with every word he spoke further blowing my mind and I struggled to wrap my head around everything that he had just told me.

“Did the Commander have any insight on the attack on Mount Weather?” I managed to form a single question as the puzzle pieces assembled in my mind and he studied me as if he were gauging my reaction.

“The Ice Nation claimed responsibility for the attack at the Summit. Lexa arrested the entire delegation and has vowed to support us in avenging the attack. Indra just confirmed that she will send the Trikru army to protect Arkadia, to ensure that we cannot be ambushed.” He reported in a matter of fact tone and I shifted uneasily, recalling how quickly she had retracted her word at Mount Weather. “Clarke has remained in Polis as Skaikru’s ambassador in the War Council, to ensure that our interests are represented.” He added and I felt a frown immediately cross my face in response to this revelation.

“Clarke?! That’s a mistake.” I blurted, another wave of shock washing over me and Kane raised his brows in question. “I get it. She’s been living as a grounder for all of this time and she facilitated the original alliance with them to get us out of Mount Weather. But you don’t know her like I do. With all due respect, Sir, I think that your view of Clarke is likely biased, because of your rel-friendship with Abby.” I stated, causing him to smile again and it seemed that as usual, he was amused by my brutal honesty.

“If you have concerns about Clarke’s suitability for this role, then I’d like to hear them.” He offered calmly, leaning forward in his seat to place his elbows on his lap and though I had expected him to be offended by my statement, I was glad to find that he was open to discussion.

“Clarke might be living their lifestyle now, but the moment that something doesn’t go her way, she’ll expect the Commander to abandon their rules to accommodate her. In our old camp, I saw her insist on democracy, which only resulted in a majority vote against her plans and she just went behind everyone’s back to continue with her own agenda anyway. Once Clarke has decided to do something, no one else’s opinion matters. Believe me, that attitude doesn’t work in a culture as rigid as the grounders. The first thing that I was taught with Arlo is that you follow orders without question. Clarke is physically incapable of doing that.” I rambled, not hesitating to express my full opinion and Kane smiled proudly at me.

“I appreciate your honesty on this, Indigo. Unfortunately, there is no one else that Lexa respects as she does Clarke and so we will have to rely on her to prove you wrong if we are to stand any chance of surviving this conflict with The Ice Nation. However, knowing your concerns will help us to anticipate any problems.” He remarked finally and I sighed in disappointment, anxiety settling in my stomach at the idea of Clarke sitting in a war council with the very real potential to cause carnage.

“Well, at least the Commander knows everything now. Azgeda are no longer working from the shadows and we have her support.” I conceded, deciding to focus on the positives for now and Kane nodded slowly as he processed my words.

“There is something else that I thought you should now.” He declared, seeming as if he were reluctant to discuss this next topic and I thinned my eyes at him suspiciously. “Bellamy returned his guard jacket to me earlier today. Apparently, he feels as if he is at fault for those we lost at Mount Weather. He doesn’t think that he deserves to be a guard any longer. Usually, I wouldn’t interfere in personal matters like this, but I have a gut feeling that he hasn’t told you about this decision and I hoped that you might be able to talk some sense into him?” He suggested in an uncomfortable manner and I felt my eyes widen in shock, hardly able to believe that he would keep something of this severity from me. 

Recalling our earlier conversation, I felt immensely guilty for burdening Bellamy with my own grief when he was already blaming himself for the outcome of Azgeda’s plot and I felt a lump rising in my throat as I thought of him viewing himself in this manner. The wisdom and ease of the advice that he had given in defence of me made sense now that I knew he had already decided that the responsibility laid at his feet and I was hurt that he had put his own feelings aside to listen to me, instead of confiding in me.

“No, actually. He didn’t tell me.” I whispered, fidgeting with my hands nervously and Kane nodded slowly in understanding. “Thank you for letting me know. I will definitely speak to him about it.” I confirmed, forcing a polite smile and he seemed relieved that he might potentially be able to return Bellamy to his post.

“Well, I should get going. There is a memorial starting soon for those lost in Mount Weather.” Kane announced as he rose to his feet reluctantly, seeming as if he was exhausted too and I felt myself straighten up slightly at this revelation.

“Wait. I want to come.” I blurted, staring up at him with a sense of desperation and he studied me sceptically, clearly unable to believe that I would be able to manage it in my current condition. “I know that I need to rest. I’ll be careful and I’ll come straight back after. I just really need this. I was with Gina when she-” I cut myself off abruptly, unsure of how to explain exactly what I had experenced and Kane sighed heavily as he considered me.

“I don’t have the authority to allow you to leave. It’s a medical decision.” He stated regretfully and I felt my shoulders drop in disappointment. “Fortunately, I’m rather close with your doctor. I’ll speak to Abby now. As long as she agrees for you to go, I’ll ask Bellamy to come and collect you.” He added with a sly smile and I felt my face light up in appreciation.

❖ ── ✦ ──『✙』── ✦ ── ❖

Bellamy was quiet when he arrived and though I was alarmed by this, I was quickly distracted when I realised that he had thought to bring me some fresh clothes. He helped me to change into them delicately, before I placed the jacket that had once been his over the top and he chuckled at me for this. I held onto his arm for stability and once Jackson was content that I would be able to manage the walk, we carefully left medical.

As I clung to Bellamy’s bare arm, I noticed that he truly wasn’t wearing his guard jacket any longer and remembered my conversation with Kane in unease.

“You’re not wearing your jacket?” I enquired as casually as possible as we moved delicately through the halls of the Ark and Bellamy sighed slightly, revealing his discomfort at my question.

“Yeah. It got damaged.” He excused in a distracted manner and I could tell that he was struggling to think of a way out of the conversation. “ I need to get a new one. It’s not really a priority at the moment, though.” He reported, glancing down at me with a smile to subtly suggest that caring for me was far more important and I felt my stomach lurch as I realised that he had no intention of telling me that he had quit the guard.

We spent the rest of the walk in silence as my thoughts swirled, fearful over his secretive attitude and I was anxious that he had tried to keep me from the memorial too. It was obvious that he was suffering with guilt, but for whatever reason, he didn’t want my support with it and I hated the thought of him isolating himself with this.

Bellamy led me into the main dining space, where rows of chairs had been set up and tables were lined up at the front for people to leave items. The room was already full of grieving people waiting for the service to start and I could feel the weight of emotion in the air. He guided me into a seat beside him at the end of a row and immediately I began fiddling with my hands due to anxiety.

It wasn’t long before people began to present their tributes for their loved ones and I felt myself shaking as I considered all of the lives that were lost in the attack. Though it was challenging, I was glad that I had forced myself to attend to face it and I knew that this would be the hardest step of my journey to forgiveness. Each speech was heart-breaking to listen to, but I considered it my atonement for not attempting to save them and held myself together despite the storm of emotions in my mind.

My breath caught in my throat as Raven struggled her way to the front and Bellamy took my hand for support, sensing my distress. Her face was already red from tears and she appeared as if she hadn’t slept at all since we returned home. My heart ached for her as I had a unique insight into the pain that she was experiencing and I respected her strength as I compared it to my breakdown in Mount Weather quarantine.

“Gina was kind. She always put everyone else first, sharing love and compassion with anyone who needed it.” Raven began, her hands trembling as she read from a piece of paper and I knew that she was battling to make it through her speech. “She had incredible patience and no matter how hard I tried to push her away, she always stayed at my side. I never appreciated her for how wonderful she was, but I will make sure that she was remembered for it. Gina deserved better.” She finished with a tear rolling down her cheek and sniffed to contain the rest.

Rolling up the paper, Raven reached a shaking hand into her pocket and pulled out a keychain. Though many might have missed it, I noticed the pained reluctance in the way that she tenderly placed it down amongst the other items, as if she were unsure if she was truly ready to part with it and I remembered my insane attachment to the jacket that I currently wore with sympathy. I leaned my face onto Bellamy’s shoulder for comfort as tears of my own escaped my demeanour and he squeezed my arm in silent support.

Before the next name could be honoured, a group of guards entered and bypassed Kane and Abby to report directly to Pike in hushed voices. This made my back stiffen as I thinned my eyes at them suspiciously and I felt Bellamy tense too beside me. 

As I scanned the people gathered here, it was clear that the guards arrival had caused a ripple amongst everyone and a feeling of dread settled in my stomach.

It was difficult to hear the conversation that was taking place, but I was sure that I heard a mention of grounders and the way that Pike looked over at our leadership only strengthened my belief in that. He approached them to repeat the information, causing me to feel uncomfortable with his new role of negotiator between the guards and Chancellor that I felt allowed a prime opportunity for manipulation.

“You gave a grounder one of our radios?” Pike stated accusingly, raising his voice for everyone else to hear and I had the distinct feeling that this was no accident, but rather a tactical decision to gain support.

“Sir. Are we under attack?”

A voice called from the crowd who were already murmuring restlessly and though I looked to Bellamy for reassurance, his focus was strictly set on Pike. People began to stand as the feeling of panic spread and I could sense the threat of impending chaos, sending my adrenaline into overdrive.

“No. We are not under attack.” Kane announced as he rose to address the concerned citizens, holding his hands out in an attempt to calm the delicate situation. “The Commander sent a peacekeeping force to ensure that we can defend against any further attacks from The Ice Nation.” He confirmed as he battled the incredibly fragile balance of power that we all knew was hanging on by a thread.

“Peace keeping force?!” Pike spat in disbelief, growing more irate by the second despite the inappropriate timing of this conversation. “Even you can’t be that naive, Marcus!” He yelled, further feeding the tension in the room as more of the crowd stood from their seats and I noticed with confusion that Raven was staring at Bellamy with rage bubbling her face, before returning my face to our leaders.

“Watch your tongue!” Abby warned as she fixed Pike with a stern stare. “You’re talking to the next Chancellor.” She announced and I raised my brows in surprise, having clearly missed this information when I was in recovery. “We’re all grieving. This has been hard on all of us, but we can’t let anger drive our policy.”

“Anger is our policy.” Pike yelled, gaining cheers of support from the watching audience and he used this momentum to step up onto a nearby surface to rally his people. “Now, if they’re here to defend us as you say, then tell them to go home. We can defend ourselves!” He argued, pointing down at Abby disrespectfully and I was struck by how much his attitude reminded me of Bellamy in our first few days on Earth.

In a moment of clarity, his admiration for the man made sense and I realised that Pike represented a simpler time for Bellamy that had been lost in the more nuanced lifestyle that we lived now. We had to consider alliances and politics in our current days, instead of simply focusing on day to day survival as we did in our dropship camp and I could understand why Bellamy would be drawn to the patriotic nature of Pike’s approach. However, this idea frightened me and I knew that I needed to publicly oppose Pike, just as I once had my lover, rising to my feet with a fierce glare.

“You fought against Azgeda warriors for months. How did that work out for you? Lose many people?” I began, drawing his attention as he viewed me with disgust and I crossed my arms defensively. “Believe me when I tell you, those fights were nothing compared to the force of their army. Without the help of Trikru, Azgeda will obliterate us. We stood with Trikru before against the mountain. These people that the Commander sends to protect us are our allies, not our enemies!” I advised, turning to speak to the people that were gathered with hope that I might be able to turn the rising tide, but my words fell on deaf ears due to the suffocating grief that hung over everyone here.

“Miss Sloan. Why don’t you remind us how you were rescued from the mountain?” Pike argued, his face growing smug as he knew that I would have to confirm that the army was not responsible for our rescue and I had a horrible feeling that my statement had only aided his cause. “The grounders abandoned us then and they will do it again. They can’t be trusted.”

“You.” One of the members of Farm Station pointed directly at Lincoln in an aggressive manner and my jaw clenched in anger. “You don’t belong here.” He accused, viewing him with an entirely undeserved hatred and I could hardly believe that things were deteriorating so quickly between our people.

“Then I guess I don’t either!” I declared, moving to shuffle past Bellamy so that I could stand beside Lincoln in support, but before I could even exit the row of seating, the situation continued to worsen.

“He’s one of them!” The ring leader yelled, rapidly prompting similar statements to be yelled by the crowd and it was clear that people were jumping on the opportunity to rid the camp of the person that they viewed as an outsider, already forgetting everything that Lincoln had done for us.

Bellamy rose to his feet to grab my arm, holding me in place protectively and whilst I was distracted by attempting to shake him off, the confrontation escalated to violence. The man who had begun this conflict threw a rock at Lincoln, which struck his head with a worrying impact and Bellamy was the first to leap into action as the Farm Station resident moved to attack Lincoln.

In no time at all, a fight erupted between people loyal to Kane and Abby, and Farm station, and although my mind was exploding with rage, my body could not keep up. My legs shook weakly as I struggled to remain upright and I had to lean on a chair to steady myself as the room spun around me.

I noticed Abby hurrying past me, working her way around the edge of the chaos to reach Lincoln, when the sound of a loud whistle drew my attention. 

“Hey!” Pike bellowed loudly enough to bring everything to a halt and I was pleased to notice that some of our original guards from before we discovered Farm Station had leapt into action to pin down the instigators. “We do not attack our own! Fighting each other only makes us weak. The enemy is not in this camp. The enemy is out there!” He gestured to the gates and I glanced over at Lincoln to notice that he refused help from Abby, who called after him that he needed to go to Medical as he stormed out.

“You’re right. The enemy is out there. And it’s Azgeda. It’s not Trikru and it’s not Lincoln.” I clarified loudly, using what little energy had left to defend my family with passion and Bellamy nodded in support.

“Sir. We need to arrest that man responsible for this assault. Lincoln is one of us.” Bellamy advised, fortunately addressing Kane rather than Pike and before I could praise him for this, Raven interrupted with a loud scoff.

“How like you to immediately defend the grounder.” She spat, glaring at Bellamy with such venom that it shocked us and we both stared at her with confusion. “You’ve got some brass even being here when you’re the reason that they’re all dead.” She accused, moving closer to instigate an argument and I struggled my way over to them to calm things before another fight broke out.

“What are you talking about?” Bellamy investigated, forcing his voice into an even tone despite the emotional turmoil that I knew he was covering and I could see the hurt in his eyes as he regarded her.

“You told us to stay whilst you went to the Summit. You were the one who vouched for that grounder, even though you knew that she was Ice Nation. Even your girlfriend wasn’t sure about trusting her, but you did it anyway and you nearly got her killed too! You practically served us up on a fucking platter for the grounders. It wasn’t enough for you, killing everyone in Mount Weather once, was it? You just had to do it again!” She yelled, stepping forward to push his chest aggressively and Miller rushed over to restrain her, his movements careful so that he wouldn’t hurt her.

“I’ll never forgive you! It’s your fault that Gina is dead! You took everything from me!” She screamed, manically fighting against Miller as she tried to attack and Bellamy simply stared at her in stunned silence, frozen to the spot in horror.

“That’s enough, Raven. You’re only making things worse!” I snapped, stepping between them with a false strength as I faced her down and I was able to catch a glimpse of the broken person that hid beneath Raven’s rage. “Gina wouldn’t want you to do this and you know it. Take a walk.” I advised calmly, causing her anger to dissolve into pain and she shook Miller’s grip from her shoulders to march out of the room shamefully.

The moment that the conflict was over, I felt as if I might collapse. Noticing my sudden vulnerability as I turned back to face him, Bellamy gripped my arms to keep me from falling and I stared up at him with an apologetic expression.

“Baby. You know none of that was true, right?” I whispered, encouraging him to meet my eyes and the way that he nodded was as if he were simply brushing off my concern, rather than actually absorbing my reassurances. “She’s hurting and she lashed out. It doesn’t make it okay and it definitely doesn’t make her right. Don’t let her get in your head.” I insisted, already terrified that she had only intensified his guilt and his face revealed how much her words had hurt him.

“I’ve got some things to wrap up here and then I’ll get you back to Medical.” He answered flatly as if he were simply reciting a well practiced line and I sighed in disappointment, hating that he was pushing me away.

“It’s alright. I’m gonna find Lincoln and see if I can get him to go with me.” I suggested, already keen to make sure that his injury was treated and Bellamy nodded in agreement. “Come and see me when you’re done. Please.” I instructed, flashing him a supportive smile and his only response was a slight hum as he strode away from me, leaving me with an empty feeling in my stomach.

Grabbing a clean piece of fabric from nearby, I made my way outside and tried to push aside my anxiety as I focused on searching for Lincoln.

[harryseyebrows]

so here’s my peace on the article, not that anyone asked. and im sure i’ll get shouted at BUT, here goes. 

i think the very nature of fandom is to direct a lot of time, energy, emotions into a single entity, whether that be a person, group, book, show, etc. i think its safe to assume that in most cases, we enjoy that particular entity because it appeals to us, and perhaps on some level, an element of it/them rings true with a part of ourselves. i joke and say that we didnt pick harry and instead he chose US, harry potter sorting hat style. but what i think is that it speaks (potentially) to something deeper: that there’s an unspoken feeling, instinct, etc that drew us to him, and has kept us here this long. 

when you put that type of energy into someone (someone who feels larger than life a lot of the time, but we must remember that he’s a real human person with a life and feelings and sides of himself that we might never be privy to), i think it’s only natural to have some unrealistic expectations and wants regarding aspects of that person. what’s unique (or not that unique, i dont know as i dont follow anyone else as closely as i do him) about a sizable chunk of harry’s fan is that a lot of us are lgbt. and with that comes a whole slew of very complicated feelings. a lot of us know better than anyone what its like to totally hate the idea of someone prying into your personal life. the uncomfortableness that comes with someone asking you a question where you know the answer you give is going to affect how they see you. we know what it’s like to desperately want some type of representation; the sheer joy of finding out that someone you admire is like you in some way. and grappling with feelings that are seemingly on opposite ends of a spectrum of happiness and anger isnt easy. at our cores, i would like to hope that we’re all decent people (and while im here, being lgbt does not make you exempt from criticism or being shitty, despite what some might like to think) who have a firm grasp of understanding on how invasive and unnecessary it is for people to be picked apart about their sexuality/gender; that a person should be allowed to exercise autonomy and say ‘im not obligated to explain myself or how i feel’. however, i do think that a part of human nature, from the time we learn to speak and pester people with questions of ‘why’ and ‘how’, that we’re often insatiably curious. we like definitive answers. we like having something tangible to hold onto. throw in the undeniably confusing phenomena that seems to surround the concept of celebrity, where once a person becomes famous, their whole life and self should be available for public consumption at all times, and you have a cocktail for some weirdness. 

i have found myself guilty of being frustrated by harrys...aloofness. his desire for ambiguity. ‘why doesnt he just say SOMETHING’ or ‘i would like a more clear answer’ pop up frequently, usually when quotes and interviews like these arise and stir up feelings that are usually more dormant and placid. but, then i take a step back. and remember that im not entitled to anything. none of us are. we’re very luck he shares with us the things he does. ive come to realize that there is nothing more authentic than his palpable trepidation whenever the subject of sexuality is brought up. how would i feel, in his shoes? probably not very good. i wouldn’t want to be needled and questioned. i haven’t even told my parents about how i identify, never mind the whole world. ive also been guilty of questioning the vague nature of his quotes. text is a funny medium--tone can be interpreted many ways when youre not hearing the person speak, when youre not able to see their expressions. ive thought ‘maybe im projecting too much. maybe he actually means this’ re: ‘ive never felt the need to label myself’. and, as much as anyone doesnt want to hear it, there’s still the possibility that we could be reading it wrong, and thats okay too. but harry asking ‘why’ regarding the reason behind being asked in the first place, saying that its not a case of sitting on an answer to keep it from people, saying ‘who cares?’ needs to be taken for what it is. 

i understand, selfishly, where the interviewer was coming from with ‘unless the person behind it happens to be a straight dude, sprinkling lgbtq crumbs that lead to nowhere.’ it perhaps could’ve been handled more delicately, and i think its definitely a tad aggressive when harry seemed done with the question already, but i get the sentiment. and that just brings me back to my original point: that we know what the boundaries are, we have the understanding that harry doesnt owe us any explanations, but we’re still curious. ive seen a lot of people upset that the question was even asked, people upset that they didn’t get the answers they might have been after, and people asserting that they know the real truths behind harry’s words/thoughts/actions. there’s hope for 2 of those 3 groups. for the first, i try to remind myself that harry has a good head on his shoulders. he knows how to stand up for himself (this interview proved what we already knew). his words alone have filled me with a sense of confidence that he simply does not give a fuck about what other people think or say. for the second group, if youre feeling a little stung, i want you to think about why. why is it so important to you that he say one thing or another; your priority should be yourself. stop putting so much stock into the identity of others. wanting to connect and share a thread with another person is totally natural, but you have to remember that harry is a real person who isn’t existing to support you or be a performance of your hopes and desires re: what you want from him. step back and reflect. sometimes its not the initial thoughts, but how you change and learn. as for the third group, if youre not harry styles or have not been informed via harry styles himself about anything regarding his identity, you dont know shit. you can interpret things any way you want, but don’t make sweeping statements and pretend to be enlightened when youre no better than the people who assume he’s straight, no matter how you justify it to yourself under the guise of support and understanding. and that’s all i have to say

[cakerollk]

iv. Waltz

“How unexpected of you to make such an assertion, Mr. Vita. I would’ve thought you were more akin to someone who meticulously studies every situation.”

“Then Madame, you worry too much, for I am only a merchant and my observations are but a business instinct.”

As Whiskey said that, his gaze floated over to the other side of the room, and then respectfully said to Fruit Tart:

“Such as right now- At this time, I’m bothering Madame. Our surroundings are filled with nobles waiting for a dance from you.”

 Fruit Tart’s eyes swept over her surroundings. Those all too familiar nobles were covetously eyeing the corner that she was in.

Amongst them, there were many who’ve sought her ‘patronage’.

This is only an informal rule that’s gradually became the default in these nobles’ dirty dealings.

During a ball, Fruit Tart would give those nobles wanted intel about their opponents. They must then offer her treasure and money worth equivalent to the intel.

After the Madam’s death and assuming the title of ‘Bloodthirsty Butterfly,’ Fruit Tart found this diversion not too shabby.  

Only tonight, she’s in no mood to listen to their ‘requests’.

 “Well in that case, please settle these troubles on my behalf, Mr. Vita.”

“Could it be these royals and nobles’ invitations are of no importance to you?”

“I never let others decide my own matters. How about this- I’ll tell you what you want to know, and you must do your part as well.”

“Since it’s the Madame’s proposal, I believe this deal ought to be quite beneficial.”

 Whiskey extended his hand towards Fruit Tart, a gesture of invitation.  

“Then, let me really take you away this time, Lilia, Madame.”

For him to say this name at a moment like this, was he insinuating something to her?

“You truly make one feel at ease, Mr. Vita.”

Fruit Tart didn’t hesitate to accept his invitation, like a declaration of war.

 Could it be that he wanted to see her uneasy?

Heh, truly an adorable thought.

 Under the bright lights, the dancing figures around them didn’t stop swaying.

This convoluted waltz was a formality that both Fruit Tart and Whiskey knew by heart.

“I would’ve never thought you’d be so skilled at the waltz too, Mr. Vita.”

“To receive the Madam’s praise make me feel quite honored. I learned it in the kingdoms that I occasionally visited in the past, that’s all.”

Whiskey wasn’t looking at Fruit Tart as he said all of this; he hesitated as he searched for a means of escape.

There were only packed crowds here, making a quick and discreet departure was not a simple act.

 “It seems trying to leave is no easy task, Madame Duchess.”

“You’re not calling me Madame Lilia this time?”

“You’re not actually Lilia, are you? Just a moment ago, when I called you this name, though you seemed composed, you actually still hesitated.”

Whiskey’s smile gradually developed an icy cold aura, even the atmosphere became heavy. 

“If you think I‘m not Lilia, then who am I?”

This kind of psychological coaxing has no effect whatsoever on Fruit Tart.

“Madame, even an imitation is hidden in amber, it’s still nothing but a worthless counterfeit.  This kind of low level mistake is shameful among merchants.”

“Then, if you were to encounter a counterfeit where the authentic is no more, what would you do, Mr. Vita?”

“As a merchant, honesty is the best policy, naturally. If it were a counterfeit, I would certainly get rid of it myself.”

“Hahahaha, you’re truly an interesting person, Mr Vita.”

Fruit Tart couldn’t help but laugh aloud.

It’s truly been a long time since she’s heard such a contradictory opinion.

 How much of this man is actually true?

A fake name, a fake surname, a fake smile, fake words, it’s all but a lie.

“You obviously have only lies left … Did you also use this kind of expression and these kinds of words towards your Lilia? If she could accept a lie like you, then it seems she truly is an innocent child~ Ah, that’s right, only a pure and innocent sheet of white paper is worthy of being stained black, isn’t that right, Whiskey?”

 Blood red eyes suddenly hardened, and then, steadily drew closer to her with an imposing air.

“Hehe… You’re truly a genius, Madame. For you to use this face while saying such things that make me want to kill you.”

Whiskey moved close to her ear, his smile ice cold and tone near threatening as he said:

“I hope I won’t hear this kind of talk again.”

“Many thanks for your praise, Mr. Vita.”

But for Fruit Tart, she found it quite entertaining.

She did not push away this person, who had ‘threatened’ (1) her, but instead, whispered back into his ear:

(1)    Translator’s Note: original text said “used malicious words” instead so threatened replaced it. Wanted to make note of that as reference!

“But the fact is, you actually just hoped Lilia could always remain the same. Otherwise, you wouldn’t look at me with eyes filled with such loathing.”

There is nothing more amusing than making this man tear off his mask of hypocrisy.

“If this isn’t a confession, this sort of talk might cause me to misunderstand, Madame Duchess.”

“Hehe~ my mistake then.”

 He and Fruit Tart moved back to their original distance.

“Speaking of which, my old friend liked to constantly read a fairy tale storybook. The tale was about a nameless monster. I don’t know if someone who’s travelled and studied so far and wide would’ve ever heard of it before?”

“How unfortunate, I’ve never read those stories. The fairy tales that we see were mostly created by humans with something to hide.”

As he said that, his face finally revealed rare signs of ridicule and disdain; but once more, it quickly disappeared without a trace.

After recovering his usual smile, he said:

“Fairy tales cannot redeem anyone.”  

 When he finished, Whiskey stopped his dancing, and released his hands. He gave his regards to Fruit Tart.

“Now then, I’ve already done what I promised to you. As for you, Madame…”

“You may ask me a question, I will tell you what you want to know.”

“Where is that person who I’m looking for?”

“The monster has already disappeared, neither slayed by a prince or knight, and she died before my eyes.”

Upon hearing this, Whiskey’s smile deepened, but it contained no sign of happiness.

“Truly mournful news. In that case, please allow my respects (2) to be brought to her grave.”

(2)    Translator’s Note: the original text used is “心意,” which has a variety of meanings, like one’s feelings, purpose, intention, regards, affection.

And like a magician, Whiskey produced a cluster of small white flowers from his cuff, dropping it to the floor.

“Now then, please look forward to our next meeting, Madame Duchess.”

Upon stopping, he then bowed to Fruit Tart and left, leaving behind those Umbellifers.

Parsley flowers, huh…

Victory, joy, and also… death.

Heh, he’s certainly a vile man.

 A scarlet red butterfly fluttered in the darkness, gently landing on the tip of her finger.

Soon afterwards, it followed in the direction of Whiskey’s departure, vanishing into the night.

Thinking through it, it’s quite laughable.

At first, Fruit Tart was only interested in the black snake of the abyss in that story and the twins’ joke of a fate; but she didn’t know when she began to be slowly drawn to that pure, white flower, always fixated on the abyss.

What exactly does that flower’s soul look like, for him to resort to so many immoral acts?

Whether it’s vengeance or obsession, it all makes Fruit Tart ever so curious on how far he and she, the flower, Lilia, will go.  

 Though this story has lost its heroine, worry not, my Madame.

I will write down it in your place, until the day comes that we welcome the story’s final chapter.

I very much look forward to it, Whiskey.

 End of Part 4

[jadzia-suggestions]

It's understandable that Sisko would hate M.E. after being fooled by him but is this all just "a personal vendetta"? I mean, he's Starfleet. Wasn't his reaction part of Starfleet's, and /what/ was Starfleet like about the replicator incident? Wasn't there an investigation and a lot of unpleasant questions, like hey, your girlfriend is a Maquis, your ex-officer is a Maquis, wanna tell us something? If Sisko blamed those unpleasant moments on Eddington, his "obsession" would look so much clearer.

Yes, the issues between Michael Eddington and Captain Sisko are numerous and complex. I find Eddington’s repeated profession that “it’s not personal” to be not only ludicrous, but deliberately disingenuous. It’s very simple for the party who was never the target of personal attacks to claim “it’s not personal”, but that overlooks the fact that Eddington consistently used deeply intimate and personally significant information against Benjamin. Manipulating @kasidy-suggestion and specifically targeting her — out of all the other freighter captains he might have turned to if what he really needed had been food and medical supplies — solely because her involvement would prove the greatest distraction to the Captain is only the beginning. Throughout their encounters, Eddington never hesitated to wield whatever emotional and psychological weapons came to hand: the more personal, the better. His motives might not have been “personal”, but his methods unquestionably were.

Consider his assertion that the Federation is “worse than the Borg”, made to Benjamin after Eddington’s theft of the industrial replicators. He compared the Federation — the peace-driven and peace-keeping body of planets united by a dedication to freedom, civil rights, diplomacy, and exploration — to the brutal, conquering, monolithic enemy that killed Benjamin Sisko’s wife. Jennifer’s death is a matter of public record, and of common knowledge on Deep Space Nine. Eddington knowingly and deliberately ripped open that wound in a moment of triumph, simply to do more damage to a man he had already gored by manipulating the woman he had just learned to love. It was an incalculably cruel remark, and served no other purpose than to harm Ben more deeply than he’d already been harmed.

Another deeply personal, profoundly manipulative tactic Eddington used was the appeal to Benjamin’s love of children, forcing him at gunpoint to look at the displaced colonists in the caves on Marva IV. These colonists were driven from their by Cardassian forces, rather than evacuated with care and compassion by Federation vessels, because Eddington deluded innocent people into believing they could stand and fight against improbably odds. They were the victims of his grandiose fantasies, not of Starfleet, and yet Eddington attempted to twist that in order to strike at his former captain in yet another emotionally significant way — once again using knowledge of Ben’s nature that he’d gained under the guise of a subordinate and friend. Can anyone honestly say that’s not personal? Of course they can’t. It is.

Later still, Eddington deliberately brought up Cal Hudson in “casual” conversation, simply so that he could wound Benjamin with a barbed and accusatory account of his death at the hands of the Dominion. The implication was clear: that it was Ben, not the Jem’Hadar, who was in fact responsible. What kind of soulless person would bring someone news of a friend’s death in that way? And how, exactly, is that “not personal”?

Addressing your question more specifically, yes. Both Starfleet Intelligence and Internal Affairs investigated Captain Sisko thoroughly after Captain Yates’s conviction, weighing his involvement with the Maquis. Benjamin was already being watched closely because of his friendship with Cal Hudson and his expressed sympathies with the plight of Federation colonists in and near the Demlilitarized Zone. Kasidy’s involvement and the ease with which Eddington was able to deceive him (and by extension, all the rest of us) absolutely brought Ben under considerable scrutiny. He was ultimately absolved, but the gruelling nature of such an investigation always leaves a mark. I was interviewed three times myself in the course of this investigation, and those who testified to Benjamin’s loyalty and fitness for duty included First Minister Shakaar, Admiral Whatley, and the entire senior staff of Deep Space Nine. Though the investigation was closed and charges were never made, it remains a blight on Captain Sisko’s record, and a deep professional humiliation for an exemplary and loyal officer.

Furthermore, Starfleet Command was just as motivated to bring Michael Eddington to justice as anyone aboard the Defiant who hunted him down. There have been dozens of key Starfleet defectors to the Maquis — Lt. Cmdr Hudson, Lt. Paris, Ensign Ro, and others. But Lt. Cmdr. Eddington was of particular concern because of his close ties to Admiral Toddman, his position of considerable trust within Starfleet Security, and his charismatic influence that extended far beyond his single Maquis cell. He was a dangerous agitator, and did not represent the needs of the most vulnerable colonists. Ask @kira-suggestion how well the Maquis represented the interests of their Bajoran members, for instance.

As a Starfleet Captain, Benjamin Sisko had a duty to bring Eddington in before his dangerous and delusional behaviour sparked a war with Cardassia. The Central Command and later the Detapa Council did not diffferentiate between rogue humans, Vulcans, Betazoids, and other species from Federation worlds who had renounced their citizenship to persist as Maquis, and the Federation itself. They would have gone to war against all the worlds represented among the Maquis, Bajor included. Eddington had to be stopped. Captain Sisko did his duty in stopping him. We all did. The emotional and psychological cost of that mission weighs heavily on the crews of the Defiant and the Malinche, but we did what had to be done in an attempt to avert a war that would have cost millions, even billions of lives — all for the sake of one man’s ego.

So I have little patience for the argument that Eddington’s actions were justified, and NONE for the argument that they were not personal. They absolutely were. I don’t know why he chose to target the Captain so precisely. Perhaps to him, that was only a tactical decision, and a means to an end. But if he cannot see how his actions, his tactics, and above all his hateful words could be taken as personal by his victim, then there is certainly some merit to the JAG psychiatrist’s assessment that Eddington shows troubling signs of psychopathy. His continued assertions that his actions were “not personal” reflect more gravely upon him than upon any of us.