#ive had zero energy to do anything

[rendoesthedoodle]

i'd like to feel okay again

[bastardbvby]

living on my own has done wonders for my mental health holyyy

[gwensy]

status of the now. i have not slept its 5am

[majimassqueaktoy]

I need to fix my ps3 so I can play dead souls already

[snekdood]

like i really dont think ya understand the severity of the abuse- even aside from the sexual abuse-

i have bpd and come from a home where im not validated very well (obviously, bc thats what makes ppl bpd in the first place). i meet this person who validates me in every way i could possibly imagine or want (love bombing). they pretend to like me so much that they start to become like me and pick up traits of mine they like the most. they know they have a hold over me and power over me bc i didnt know how to validate myself and they were the only source of validation i had. so then they go ahead and start invalidating me and acting like im less of me and theyre somehow more of me. i knew who i was deep down but suddenly i felt unseen again and silenced and pushed into a corner. and then they act like im a horrible person (discarding phase) and serve me an entirely different version of me thats not who i am, but bc i didnt know how to validate myself and was reliant on them (something thats particularly important for this type of abuse to work), it made me question myself and who i was and what i was like and what my intentions were and what my actions were and if i could even trust my own reality all over again when i really didn’t fucking need to since i knew who i was deep down, but they somehow convinced me they knew me better. because i was reliant on them. i dont think you understand how much that fucks with you.

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

Hi? Gosh how do I even start with this :'D

I know it's been ages since I've last popped up on here. I've been debating when to post this for a while, but I kept adding to my draft more and more and now it's the end of JULY omgg I felt so guilty disappearing with zero updates but then thought my birthday would be the best day to finally address this considering it'll feel less random? idk but Ive always celebrated my bday with you guys and I'd feel so bad answering your kind asks without me at least explaining why I was gone for months.

Truth be told, I was dealing with a lot of stuff irl. health issues and sudden declining grades that left me stumped and drained for months now- along with technical issues like having to replace some parts of my computer that took a while for me to find to even draw digitally, which I didn't have the time for anyway with how tired and weary I felt every day.

I'm frankly shaken up by a lot of shit rn and I don't know how to be active online with this burden on my chest- Especially as it's been a while since I've even looked at utmv related content and my motivation dwindled. I swear I'd hype myself up to post or reblog something- but I'd see just how much I've missed or the overwhelming amount of posts I'd need to go through and I'd feel so swamped with exhaustion and most importantly guilt, for not clearing the air up sooner to reassure you guys that I'm, y'know, alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. And I'd procrastinate cause typing it all out is hard and I'd give up halfway every time and it's just not fair to you all!

I thought I was handling it well when I started going out and socializing more, instead of staying cooped up at home on my computer all day. and in the first draft of this post I made months ago I was gonna detail some of the fun plans I had, for my life and for this blog :D but relaxing my strict study schedule and letting go a bit of my tight routine, thinking it was better than wringing myself dry to keep it up, backfired horribly, to say the least.

I know right?? so silly to be hung up on stupid shit like studies of all things! but this is a very important thing for me considering my career plans and the competitivity encouraged by everyone I'm surrounded by, the pressure of keeping up adding to my already stressful days. I had to fix myself up first and I couldn't handle the strain nor interact with people and thinking of jobs and exams sapped my energy so much it's frankly embarrassing. writing this feels so cheesy too and it frustrates me to know I could've come back a month earlier if it weren't for that, but I also know putting all of this into words then would just sound like incoherent venting (not that this is very different tbf) and I wasn't in the right headspace to address my absence, or anything really- I didn't want everyone to see me return when I couldn't muster up a genuinely positive message, let alone talk to anyone with a shadow of my usual cheer

I feel like a complete mess and It drives me up the wall how depressed I've gotten. I debated deleting this blog so many times 'cause the fear of disappointing my audience and my friends, for lack of a more fitting sentiment, made me feel even shittier. I'm constantly thinking if this wall of text is worth posting, or if it's better not to burden you all with all my sappy troubles as if it's the end of the world. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not trying to dramatize this situation, but I don't think I'm up to pretending I'm all sunshine and enthusiasm you're all accustomed to.

So sorry for worrying you all! I'll try to catch up, deliver some missed birthday gifts, and answer some asks while I'm at it! Again, I can't state how much I appreciate your support throughout the years. It's frankly a miracle I kept any of you around with how much I keep popping and leaving at random with no warning. I definitely can't promise for my stay to be without a hitch, and if you don't mind an inconsistent schedule you're free to stay of course, but I'm afraid I can't sustain the pace I had when I first started this blog. I'll keep posting art, but lower my activity in the fandom sphere to reduce the strain on my mental health. so fewer rants and walls of text, more art, and less stress overall. Love you all and thanks for waiting for this long <3

[blkkizzat]

Kali losing her virginity story time when

sis lmfao it's not glamorous... ngl i 18 and i was crossfaded af at a college party and "superman" by eminem was playing.

LMFAO A MESS, ill talk about it but i don't wanna trigger anyone so under the cut. tw sex under the influence; dubcon

i probably wasn't in the right mind frame to consent or anything tbh (so please dont be like me stay safe). well, honestly now that i think about it, i think it was just that last bong hit that had me out of my mind. although i was already naked atp lol so i was down to have sex. but right after that's when i blacked out and when i came to i was literally moaning as ol'boy had a mouth full of my pussy hjdfasdjhfasdjh. i just wanted to lose my v and get it over with so i was happy to go with the flow. (disclaimer: back in the day when i was drinking hard dark liquor and mixed it with weed i would literally black out, but not go unconscious but just lose that time and not know wtf i was doing for the last 20 mins. But people have told me i was talking/acting like normal so idk.bdjhsdfjh but it happened then too. its only happened to me like 3-4 times tbh all when i binge drank heavy in college and smoked a fuckton of weed. so no it wasn't like i was unconscious and he was hooking up with me anyway).

that said, ngl that was some of the best sex i ever had in college. high sex is always great for me tbh and i dont remember it hurting much (but he had also just ate me out for like 45 min) but i think me and ol'boy just had good natural chemistry. he lived on the 3rd floor and my friends on the first floor said they heard me kfjhsdkjshdfkvjhsd.

one awkward asf thing though is the guy did not know i was a virgin and i would have told him if i wasnt so fucked up fjkhrfkdhgkdf.

also just wanna note, im not sad or upset at all. i always gave zero fucks about the construct of virginity (personally, please if you want it to be nice and special that is your preference and nothing is wrong with that). and sidenote thats why other than the one virgin!reader fic i will write (she wont really give af either tho tbh), i dont like writing virgin!reader cause i dont believe in idealizing it.

honestly i just wanted to lose it cause up until that point i was scared to use a tampon and was tired of being in the bloody dirt trenches with pads fhsdfjkhasfjaksh. like it wasnt even about "losing my virginity to a tampon", i was just scared to put it in. but literally got my period a week later and was like "well a dick has been in me" and found the courage to put it in. i was a silly bitch im fully aware LOL!

but i will say, it was this weird thing after where i felt bad for NOT feeling bad. like i had other friends who idealized virginity so much (then were all pikachu face when they found out i didnt want to tell them i had sex), i felt like there was something wrong with me for not thinking it was a big deal. even sometimes now, i wont want to discuss it just because so may people do idolize it its annoying to have to deal with their reactions and reassure them "no i dont feel like i was SA'd, no i dont regret it, yes i actually enjoyed the experience."

however i will say now im in the middle.

these days im alot more selective with who i fuck as personally i subscribe to the ideas of tantra/tantric sex. That while you can have sex without emotions, you can't have it without an energy exchange. sometimes ive felt shitty after one-night stands or liked the friends with bennies for the pleasure in sex but felt off after. i realized that those feelings weren't due to guilt from slut-shaming but the fact that their energy was off and it was now having an effect on me. so rn im DTF 100%—but yo energy gotta be right. and usually i cant tell that just from the bar or first meeting so ive been waiting more.

i rambled again jsdhsdjhbj but oh well.

[elkkiel]

Sorry friends, this is gonna be a long one. I feel like speaking in a space where someone may see and perceive what I'm saying is helpful to personal accountability. Please feel free to skip, it's more of a thought dump than anything (I am midway through writing now and I think I lost the plot a while ago lol)

Topics covered: grind culture, mental health, self-care, and learning when to manually sound the alarm for yourself as an audhd-er in the deep end of life.

Here's some tags that I left on the the grind culture reblog before this. I just wanted to share some thoughts and didn't want them to get lost; I feel like making a proper post really solidifies the situation (sorta like getting those abstract thoughts from your head onto paper, and realizing just how bad it is when it's all laid out before you.) And I want to make a change when I can finally get my head above water.

I think it can be especially difficult for us AuDHDers, since we don't necessarily have alarm bells installed that neurotypicals in similar situations may have but "choose" (consciously or not) to ignore. Things can really spiral into a bad place quickly if you don't have the cues or signs to alert you. We need to be diligent in doing those manual checks ourselves, KNOWING that we have struggles that make life just that much more difficult.

Take inventory of your life. Do you allocate time to self-care activities, and/or are those the right activities for you? Turns out for me that building a complex skin care routine (as suggested by mainstream self-care culture) only stresses me out more. Especially when I never have the energy to do it, making me feel bad when I only manage to do the basics *sometimes* (and the stress acne persists smh my head). My therapist recommended productive activities that involve both current hyperfixes and that ADHD Motor™. I want to learn basic carpentry over the summer, since I love working with my hands! For now, drawing masked men as cats will suffice (though I will not complain about the kittenification of my faves)

Choose a moment to consciously feel how your body is feeling. Check in with yourself! This is important for my alexithymia bitches. Are you more fatigued than usual? Are your muscles tense for some reason? Have you been hungry with no appetite? If you notice anything, let's make some connections—really dig into it. The instance I mentioned in the tags above was a really clear one for me. I took like 12 hours on the IV in the Ivy art instead of coursework, and that weekend I slept almost 22 hours. A few days later, I'm still in a cycle of horrible fatigue and excessive sleep. Connecting the trigger event (taking the time to create "unnecessary" art) to current sensations (extreme fatigue) is giving me insight into how stressed I actually am that I wouldn't have really seen otherwise.

I'm also feeling more and more aware of how activities and things become a bit of a crutch to avoid expending energy on social activities. Idk how many other people deal with this particular problem, but I have almost zero social drive. Like I legitimately don't feel the need to meet people and see friends. Almost 100% of my social needs are covered by talking to my parents, chatting with the girls at work (while at work) and passively absorbing interactions from complete strangers within earshot. It's one of the big things I'm continually documenting for when I can finally afford to get evaluated for autism (babygirl I don't even have enough for the ADHD assessment yet and that's more crucial for disability stuff lol) and it makes life real tough.

Not having the time nor the drive to invest in relationships really stunts you as a person in my experience. I don't know how to actually quantify what makes a friend (e.g. are we friends because we are Tumblr mutuals who haven't had an actual conversation but hype each other up in notes?) and I don't have any time to learn. I can't participate in leisure activities that may take some of the pressure off since I haven't been able to practice initiating interactions. It baffles me how some of the girls at work just casually meet up outside of work, or make plans out of the blue in a conversation (how tf do you gauge when/if to propose something????)

Like, it's bad. I haven't seen my best friend in a year and a half, and even the term "best friend" almost definitely isn't accurate in this scenario anymore. It's just another stressor that could potentially be avoided by lifting one's nose from the grindstone, but it's so intimidating to even try at this point. I don't feel the drive to be friends, but something tells me it's healthier than being alone with my work and thoughts.

Idk I think that's all I have for now. I definitely went on a tangent or two that don't connect back to the original idea so apologies for the letter-based vomit.

ty if you read any of this, if you have any thoughts or input I'm always open for replies or asks. The world is big and fast and horrible and confusing a lot of the time, but I think sharing experiences helps to keep things in perspective.

maybe I'll ask more targeted questions for community input some other time because I'm genuinely curious how to navigate around social deficits (the "who is a Friend and why?" thing especially because I genuinely have zero clue)

anyways have a good day, drink some water, take ur meds, and be kind to yourself

[batmanshole]

ylfvaaa do you have any makeup and skincare recs 😭 im trying to get into skincare but i have no idea where to start, i see a lot of people hyping up korean skincare but idk what products live up to the hype. and i need new makeup badly but im scared of ordering a primer and then it sucks yknow. you seem really knowledgeable so if you can help me out it’d be much appreciated <3

hi anon. before i get into this i love you. i love when people ask me about this kinda stuff. makes me so happy. cosmetic chemistry autism.

ALSO to get your primer thing out of the way: i dont rlly use it but ive heard good things about the ELF one and my sister swears by the NYX one and her base is rlly good. so.

also i'd look on the following websites / stores:

sephora for western brands / mainstream kbeauty yesstyle for korean and japanese stuff chic decent or individual websites for chinese beauty (i usually get mine in person tho)

under the cut cause its long af. also i linked to some products but none of this is sponsored or affiliate or anything im just linking cause i like em 👍

OK FIRST OF ALLL. starting w skincare.

i would break down your routine into three main parts: -cleansing -moisturizing / hydrating -SPF

if you wanna get fancy, you can do exfoliation between cleansing and hydrating. but you really dont have to do that if u dont want to

first: cleansing

if you wanna wear makeup you should have a good way to take it off. no. no put the makeup wipes down. they aren't efficient and u will go through SO many of them. and they're a pain and can irritate ur skin w all the wiping (trust me on this one LOL)

i would recommend using an oil based product for this!! melts ur makeup OFFFF like crazy + even if you don't use makeup it will leave ur skin super clean ^__^ ALSO you should apply this to DRY SKIN and wash it off with lukewarm water (the oil emulsifies w water and also very cold water can make it harder to remove)

if you want an oil-based makeup remover for quick removal w a cotton pad: clinique take the day off (47cad ) this one is expensive tbh and isn't as effective as the others BUT. it takes a lot less energy to use + can be done quickly. if you want a cleanser that will take off your makeup incredibly well while washing ur face: kose softymo speedy cleanser (18cad) this is my absolute FAV. i use it allll the time it works so so well and ive reccomended it to tons of ppl before and theyve all liked it. if you want a cleansing balm for heavier makeup: clean-it zero cleansing balm original (30cad) i haven't tried this one myself, but i've heard VERY good things about it.

next i would follow that up with a water based cleanser (so foaming or gel). this will help to wash away all the stuff that the oil cleanser has loosened up and will wash away leftover oil cleanser.

my FAVOURITE is the senka perfect whip cleanser (14.50cad) i adore this stuff!! ive heard some people find it very drying but i havent had that issue? idk i've also heard good things about this beauty of joseon green plum gel cleanser (14.70 cad) but i haven't used it myself. huge fan of BOJ tho!!

(this is the part where you would exfoliate if you wanted to. for a chemical exfoliant i use the giant bottle of clinique stuff my aunt got me but its not worth the price tbh. u could also try the beauty of joseon apricot peeling gel (14.70cad) IF your skin can handle it. its a physical exfoliant tho so be careful. i also enjoy the pixi glow tonic. u can get this at like shoppers or cvs or somethign idk)

second: hydrating and moisturizing

okay so. this is super important if you do a lot of makeup and thus have to wash it away thoroughly.

i start with a hydrating toner. this helps to add water to your skin and smooth it (adding water before moisturizer is a good idea bc the moisturizers will both add moisture and lock in hydration from any prev products)

i use the the I'm from rice toner (38 cad but on sale rn) which is my absolute absolute FAAAV toner. super hydrating super perfect and beautiful. stunning. (you've probably seen people talk about the cosrx snail mucin, and it is nice i will admit. but do NOT use it if you are allergic to shellfish or dust, apparently. also apply it right after your hydrating toner, it needs to be on wet skin)

then i go in with a moisturizer!! i like to use ones with niacinimide or other humectants.

my go-to is the innisfree jeuju cherry blossom dewey glow jelly (35cad) she's so important to meee <3 love her. all time fav. it is SCENTED tho, so if you don't like that, try: beauty of joseon red bean water gel (17.80cad) super lightweight and has no noticeable scent. ive heard very good things and my friend is trying it soon ^__^

finally: SPF

this is THE most important step. sunscreen. wear sunscreen.

apply your sunscreen under your makeup in the morning, and throughout the day. if you wanna reapply using a sun stick, that's great!!! but don't use a sun stick as your ONLY protection.

also i'd avoid pure mineral sunscreens unless you have a legit allergy to chemical ones. mineral sunscreens are not as good and a lot of the marketing is iffy. also they leave a white cast which is esp noticeable on darker skin. mineral + chemical ones are usually fine tho :-)

my fav sunscreen is the biore UV aqua rich watery gel / watery essence (26cad) legit the best feeling sunscreen i have EVER used. my friends who hate sunscreen like this one. there's also the beauty of joseon rice probiotic releif sun cream (24cad) which is very nice too!! not my fav but a lot of people swear by it for reapplying throughout the day, i would use the beauty of joseon matte sun stick (24cad). ive heard super good things but ihavent tried it cause im finishing my other sun stick rn lol

this is all fairly basic stuff since u said you were new to it, but i can also go thru some less necessary, more fancy products if you ever need.

as for makeup, my favourite brands are:

-flower knows -rom&nd (romand) -daisique -etude -lilybyred

and i've heard really good things about / want to try:

-colorgram -judydoll -flortte -amuse -clio -peripera -into you

ok sorry this is so long but um. lmk if you have any further questions but my arms hurt so im gonna stop typing now. MWAH love you

[demdems]

sorry for being a little hater while watching the new natlan trailer and coughing up blood everywhere, that was a bit dramatic of me

mind the blood tho, we're still talking

a very not cohesive list of grievences i have with natlan [and genshin], I'm writing as i go so if its too long the rest is under read more

I mean truth be told i opened youtube, saw the trailer first thing, noticed the thumbnail, and kinda just immediately knew it was joever

we can start w the archon i guess [I'm assuming the red haired lady is the archon by using context clues] uh ive seen people argue that its fine/makes sense that she's white since the assumption that's been made is that she's based on himeko from hi3 but uh like, himeko murata is japanese, she's not white, if the name didn't make that obvious [this is similarly why i don't like the argument that nahida being white is fine due to her being based on theresa hi3, theresa is a clone of a white german woman im not sure why mhy based the archon of a nation based on swana cultures on her but i digress] i think its at least good that she beat the conquistador allegations, left a bad taste in my mouth when that was being speculated

The confirmation of names means people have been honing in on the cultures natlan is taking inspiration from, ive seen a lot. i made my best guess when talking with a friend but i believe theres polynesian, west african, indigenous american [mexico and central america? specifically based on the name citlali] [[feel free to correct me on anything]] honestly wasn't expecting much based on sumeru

Tbh i have like zero energy to hate on the natlan debut cast cuz i already did it w a friend but I'll do it anyways, its a lifestyle

the argument of, why look for dark skin rep in a game made by a company who's colorist [either by choice or due to pressure from the government since genshin has incredibly insane cultural impact in China], is legit since its like me looking for clothes at the soup store and getting upset

But genuinely even if mhy had a vision with genshin and wanted to show a diverse world in its game, its kinda weak to be almost so blatantly colorist outside their playable characters. I don't think that making npcs dark skinned and playable characters light skinned is a good look, especially when it's the second time that that the human enemies of the region for the most part are darker skinned than the characters used to fight them

And i don't like how parts of the community jumps on people who critique genshin for this. Like, if its a non issue to you why get upset with people yk. Plus never speaking up on stuff is bad like fine, the multi billion dollar company won't listen to you, but id like to think that other people would learn from this to some degree and understand why people get upset. And idk maybe its overstepping and silly but id like to thing that outrage reaches people who can see that yea maybe there's people who Will listen to the stories you wanna tell but idk

I just don't like that people are making it okay to just be racist and colorist like, that's just gonna eventually bounce back and then great everyones seeing how mad ur getting over someone wanting a character w a skin tone darker than #FFFFFF, i cant vocalize my thoughts right tho but you get me ig

aeugh anyways on the characters specifically, the darkest skinned character in the trailer looks almost gray thats not great, and then the girls w darker skin tones [there's so few men in genshin lately] are dressed very much not at all which is a reoccurrence, sumeru dressed its darker skinned characters in not a lot clothing which like if you've ever been to a country that's hot and sunny, people don't dress in swimwear they dress in pants and sleeved shirts because hi sun damage exists and too much exposure is unhealthy and people tend to get used to the climate

Also a lot of animal themed characters this time, do correct me if I'm wrong but i kinda see an overuse in the women of color in genshin being animal themed but if im looking too much into it then uh idk maybe genshin should release a catboy

The modern theming in the outfits isn't egregious but i think too much streetwear might bog down the overall look, like latin america cultures just by themselves have amazing fashion and god id kill to see something like a dancer based on mexico's traditional dances since those are the prettiest dresses, like modernizing is fine [i believe i saw somewhere that chongyun's outfit is based on chinese streetwear and i think it fits great in with the more traditional outfits in liyue] but stuff like the hoodies around the waist and the weird half shorts half pants of one of the characters kinda weakens the overall vision [but I'm not well versed in fashion so I'm not sure what direction wouldve been best for natlan to take to both respect the fashion of the cultures inspo is taken from and also fit in with genshins vibes overall]

Natlan the region itself is the best thing of the trailer tbh, it's very nice looking and yea there isn't a yellow orange filter over it like this were american tv or something, and the music is great i think the one part of the team who does good is the music

Personal expectations, i just hope the characters are good, like i hope good personality saves these guys and my soul while i play the natlan quest getting flashbanged everywhere i look

wegh, drip marketing Monday, and 5.0 in like 7 weeks, let's get this bread gamers

[exnihilo-comic]

Two Years

today marks two years of ex nihilo.

much of the last year was eaten up by me and my family moving, which took a lot of time, money, creativity and energy out of me to draw comics as regularly as i'd like. but, im happy i finally moved, and im happy with the past year of drawing.

"getaway" was the big project last year. despite having very little feedback, im happy that most people who gave any did so positively. i had that idea in my head for more than a decade, predating this comic. personally, i think its a rushed mess that has very poor pacing, but the biggest reason i even started it was to prove to myself that i could finish it. along the way it taught me very (VERY) basic photo editing and coloring skills, and im very happy with how the lines and the colors came out.

from now on i want to shift all drawings to be only two main colors of pixels, black and white, as seen here also. though i do appreciate how smudgy and inky my pen makes my comics look, i dont think anything is really lost.

though im somewhat lacking in creativity for regular one-sheet comics, i know ill be making them as i get bursts of ideas or simple dialogue exchanges. right now i have a big idea swimming in my head for a bigger longform comic, about zero and an existential crisis (with eldritch horror mixed in).

im really grateful to all the new friends ive made along the way, all of you, whether here or on discord. if youve resonated with anything ive put on paper, thank you for your support.

<3

[k1rameki]

i think i need to expand on my losergirl ayana agenda bc lord have i become hyperfixated (buckle up bc i have gone absolutely insane over this) (this might also end up becoming a hc dump uh oh) (also bear in mind thanks to all the recent art ive been seeing of her ive been on a real ayana kick when it comes to ships n shit so yeah some hcs with the other characters imma mention can be interpreted romantically too teehee) (and also!!! more general ayana hcs too :333 i have a cavity in mein cranium that can only be filled with soft ayana content)

also quick emoji keys for dialogue i may add for this ^_^

🎸 - aldryx

🩻 - tabi

🔻- ayana

🎧 - dalia

📼 - agoti

some of the many reasons i believe ayana is an absolute girlfailure is her complete and utter failure in her previous relationship/s (I SAY THIS BC SHE PROBABLY HAS BEEN IN A FEW THAT HAVENT WORKED OUT LONG BEFORE SHE MET BOYFRIEND,, also shes just awkward as hell but thats a story for anotha time)

NOT ONLY THAT BUT HELLO??? she appears so calm and collected whenever shes engaging in simple conversation but internally shes freaking out and she has no idea where anything is gonna end up going and often times she can and she WILL let stupid things slip out of her mouth and immediately she regrets it

and let me tell you this she gets more and more pathetic and losery around dalia,, this woman is in LOVE (hence that stupid doodle i made where aya's just freaking out over the slightest bit of affection given to her) (looks like she might have abandonment issues sorry what)

IN FACT. GIVING PHYSICAL AFFECTION TO EVERYONE. SHES ALL FOR THAT SHIT,, hugs, kisses, stroking hair, you name it, this girl is a massive cuddlebug you cant convince me otherwise

i mentioned my pastry chef ayana hc in passing but i'm gonna fully expand on that now: SO. also aya family hcs bc people should talk ab that but ayana's dad is a chef (no specific speciality, but he does make a lot of baked goods) and growing up she would often mirror what he does and that eventually led to her practicing and honing her skills! :D (she also studies culinary arts at college teehee) ALSO!!! she brings all sorts of baked goods she makes over for all her favourite people to enjoy constantly whether that be cookies, pastries, cakes, all of that yummy stuff

despite being an absolute loser girlfail idiot she can jam on the bass like its no tomorrow. IM TALKING ABOUT SLAP, FINGERPICKING, YOU NAME IT, SHE CAN DO IT ‼️‼️ here's an example of the bass playing style i had in mind for her, very energetic and fluid heuehehehehehe

SPEAKING OF (and this ties in a little with my band au) and whenever she drops an epic bassline everyone just stops and stares at her totally being in the zone

🔻: –casually having the time of her life playing a bassline like theres no tomorrow–

🎸: "yo holy crap aya where has this energy been this entire time"

🔻: "huh what do you mean"

HAIR EXTENSIONS!!! ive talked about this on discord before but ayana with naturally shorter hair so she wears hair extensions! (also bc gender euphoria but shhhh)

i also believe that aldryx and tabi had zero idea that she wore them and just believed her hair was naturally long. this is how their conversation went trust;

🔻: " hey guys ^_^"

🩻: ".....did you cut your hair?"

🔻: "no? my hair has always been short"

🎸: "IT HAS??!!??!!??! 😨 I THOUGHT YOUR HAIR WAS JUST REALLY LONG"

🩻: "ME TOO— jesus christ my life is a lie"

🔻: "theyre hair extensions not the holy grail calm down 😭😭😭"

AND NOW THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT AYANA INTERACTING WITH THE OTHERS, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY AGOTI/AYA DUO HC BC HELLO romantic or platonic these two are fucking adorable, the loserboy + losergirl pairing ever frfr (also bc i hc that theyre really close in age bc iirc ayana's birthday is january 28th so that would make her around 3-4 months younger than agoti to me at least teehee)

those two gossip about anything and everything and every single night they do each other's hair n spend time doing full fledged spa routines while talking shit about anyone and everyone bc theyre high maintenance as hell and take pride in their combined collection of bazillions of good smelling bodywashes and shampoos

🔻: "oh my god, goti i cant believe i forgot to tell you about some crazy interaction i had with someone earlier today i swear its driving me crazy"

📼: "BITCH AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME SOONER? YOU'D BETTER START FROM THE BEGINNING I NEED DETAILS IN FULL"

🔻: "OKOK SO WHAT HAPPENED WAS—"

also she works as a seamstress in her spare time when she's not doing music or baking ^_^ she often uses her expertise to create some outfits (with the help of sketches done by either tabi or agoti) and often has trouble finding someone to be her muse so she often gets dalia to help

she takes this VERY seriously by the way if she hears a singular complaint she will go insane

🎧: "how long is this gonna take 😔😔 my arms are getting sore babe i cant stand like this for much longer"

🔻: "dee i love you but i swear to god if you say that one more time i'm going to stab you with this needle until your arm is red and swollen BE PATIENT PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU 😭😭😭"

🎧: "😀😀😀😀😀 youre gonna WHAT"

also. shes got a BIG sweet tooth — she and tabi bond over sweets and trying all sorts of new things together, especially chocolatey things bc theyre both obsessed with chocolate anything

🩻: "aya i went to the store and i found this wafer cake thing and i thought you and i should try it"

🔻: "TABI THAT LOOKS DELICIOUS OMG go grab two spoons right now you and i are eating all of this right now"

🩻: "OKAY SURE :] i can already tell this is gonna taste good"

also sometimes she forgets to eat proper meals and will consistently only have sweets and snacks all day until someone calls her out on it, shes very forgetful, oopsies!

[alveolaraspergillosis]

really sucks that

i spent years sort of ignoring all the things about E that are actually not particularly ideal for what i want out of a partner. because my family had such shitty stupid hangups about him that i was spending all my mental energy trying to defend him from them, and then all my reserves trying to hide how they felt about him from him. and i guess 1.5 yrs of it being LDR also helped me ignore those things that were not ideal . and like. theyre small things. its just that theyre a lot. and i keep telling myself oh but none of these are red flags! and sure theyre not but idk isnt that like net zero? like zero red flags. congrats we did it we solved misogyny. why have i convinced myself that the best i can do is a man with zero red flags ? and like yeah i love him and i want him to be happy and stuff but. why cant i say that about myself as well. why did my brain at some point decide that the only way i will ever initiate a breakup is if there's a red flag involved. like if im spending this much time day-nightmare-ing about catching him cheating on me with the 23 year old phd student in his lab and then dumping him its like. like thats not even a real anxiety of mine. am i that scared of being single for the rest of my life? like at this point even if i were single for the rest of my life literally what would it change about the way i'm living.

the worst part is like. my parents absolutely hate him and everyone else around me is like oh hes great :) but it doesnt feel like they think hes great it feels like they think he's great for someone like you like. oh hes about as good as someone like you will ever date. the rest of us will date better people though. when did i become so shallow that ive started wanting to date a type of person that everyone else also wants to date. when did i become so pathetic that i can't end a relationship that no longer satisfies me very much because im afraid of looking like a loser spinstress hag as though my only worth as a woman comes from who i can convince to claim me. i guess the only unsurprising part of all this is that if my parents liked him i wouldnt even question anything i would try to stay in this relationship forever regardless of how i eventually felt about it

[iersei]

hi im mutuals with both 1 billion dndads blogs and 1 billion tma/wtnv/w359/taz/manyotherpodcasts blogs and like i just have to say. im fairly sure you are genuinely skewing the vote here. i felt so odd voting for glenn instead of lup, instead of isabel lovelace, instead of KRAVITZ. and i voted for him and looked deep inside myself and was like "why did i do this? because its funny?" and realized thats exactly why. this is all fucking hilarious. i witness your blog daily and it has the same desperation as an irl election if not far more so. theres not anything else on your blog and if there is its because you drew it for someone who voted. i have a mutual who was upset about annabelle cane not winning and was like honestly, if you were as passionate as iersei, maybe you would've had a chance. you're picking glenn close up like one of those screaming toy chickens and successfully smacking aside every character ive seen this website lose their minds over every couple of weeks perpetually since 2016 at the latest. glenn fucking close of all people. id say theres sexier dndads characters but honestly im not sure if there is anymore. i think its all glenn. i wonder how long it will take you to go back to being a normal, non-glenn-sexy-tournament themed blog. i hope you carry this sheer unfiltered passion into everything you do. because its the funniest fucking thing ive ever seen. please keep going

AS A CLOWN AT HEART, MY FIRST COMMITMENT IS ALWAYS AND FOREVER TO. THE. BIT.

anyone who knows me will tell you that they are completely unsurprised by how thoroughly i have dedicated myself to this. i wear my heart on my sleeve. i am loud. i am passionate. and when i commit, i FUCKING COMMIT.

and i ask of you. what is the greatest measure of victory. nay, of sex appeal in general on tumblr dot com. than some freaks doing some unhinged nonsense and pissing off a looot of people that just don't Get It in the process?

the reason why cecilsweep was so entertaining to watch was because. he swept against the victors of the original tournament on twitter when the rematch rounds came around to tumblr. it's because it was unexpected, but people were adamant and they were passionate.

and here? in this sphere? where nightvale is such a fucking behemoth of a powerhouse that their popularity necessitated another bracket? it doesn't carry the same energy.

you know what does?

one hot and sexy mess of a man submitted by one person with zero propaganda clawing his way up to the top. knocking down a lot of really popular characters in the process with close (heh) victories and hard fought battles. all because a handful of really desperate freaks really really want him carnally.

that's what it's all about baby. and that's why, in my heart, we've already won.

...i'm gonna keep fighting like hell though because i refuse to give up on anything and it is WAY TOO EARLY to give up now. SO EVERYONE READING THIS SHOULD GO VOTE GLENN CLOSE [HERE].

peace and love and sexualizing that old man on the planet earth <3 i refuse to ever change <3

[rainbowdaisy13]

Hey there rainbow. I know it is not your job to convince anyone of anything, but I'm feeling like a bad fan right now and I was hoping for a little reminder about why I fell in love with Taylor in the first place. I guess that the I think he knows/gorgeous mashup for that turd kind of did me in. Those are two of my favorite songs - I boarded this train during rep, and that's when I fell deep down the rabbit hole.

I know Taylor is on a journey, or at least I feel that, and part of me is super proud to kind of be there with her but it's so fucking hard sometimes. I go in the grocery store and I'm assaulted by images of her and that Meathead. The stunting is so gross, especially after the nothingness that was her stunting with toe. And I truly believe that is part of her plan, but ugh. It's also hard to see her look so unhappy while she's doing this. I don't know if it's him, or the fact she wants it all over with, or both, but it hurts my heart.

And I think wow, it would be so much easier if I could just appreciate her as an artist and forget all this other stuff for a bit. But she makes that impossible! She has woven herself into almost all of her songs. She says they were mine but now they're yours, but she lies!

I haven't even listened to all of ttpd yet! What kind of fan am i? Ive listened to the first 16, and even though I've read that the Anthology songs are better, I don't want to listen casually and I just don't have the energy to throw myself into it the way I want. Her quote unquote relationships has thrown a pall over the whole thing.

All that being said, I'm still trying to figure out how to afford a ridiculously expensive ticket for a show in indy. I think this is going to be her last tour for quite some time, and I really want to be there. Even if she is still hanging out with the douche canoe.

Thanks for letting me vent. She's been such a big part of my life for a while, and really helped me crawl out of a dark place. I know this is a bit of one of the many soliloquies she'll never see, but I appreciate her Artistry so much and I want to celebrate her for the good she puts in the world. Now it's just hard, you know? Only I can live my life, and only she can live hers, and trying to navigate how much attention to spend on this is dragging me down. Love your blog and hope you have a wonderful day.

All of your thought are ones I myself have had over the years too—you are not alone in that!! I will never pretend I’ve been this true blue never upset Kaylor because I absolutely have not. So many choices or what seem to be choices have pissed me off over the years to the point where I’ve stopped listening to taylor for months at a time because I was like *this bitch* 😒

You are not a bad fan, you are human! With feelings and emotions which are just as valid as anyone else’s

My advice is try to get to a place of detachment—we know Taylor is gonna Beard until the very last possible moment because as much as she hates it, it’s her security blanket and it’s a form of income

If you need to step away, absolutely do that. I have gotten to a point of detachment where I can follow along with zero expectations of her, but as long as she keeps getting louder and louder with her art I will continue to observe and try to cheer her on from the sidelines

[manie-sans-delire-x]

What would you do in this situation? Ive been on and off with my first boyfriend for 3 years. He has cheated on me twice and still continues to hang out with girls he has slept with despite it making me incredibly uncomfortable. I want to leave him but our good memories are keeping me from doing it.

Leave him leave him leave him.

Girl!! He clearly gives zero shits about you, hes made that abundantly clear. Im supposing you told him how uncomfortable it made you feel and he continued anyways? Would he freak out if you were hanging out with male friends that youve slept with?

Listen, he cheated 2 times in the short span of three years- that you know of. Its highly likely that hes cheated much more, probably with those girls. You've also been on and off multiple times- not a good sign.

I understand that hes your first bf, but stop wasting any more time with this loser. You deserve better, and he will never respect you unless you stand up for yourself and leave him. And dont take him back no matter how much he cries and begs and swears he'll never do it again. He blew his chance multiple times. Youre letting him play you for a fool. Youre telling him, by staying, that its ok for him to cheat, that you have no self respect and will let him do anything and he can take you for granted. So of course he would do it again, there arent any consequences.

Do you know what sunk cost fallacy is? A fallacy is a flaw in thinking, an illogical thought process. Sunk cost fallacy is when you think "well Ive already invested so much time/enery/memories into this, I cant quit now even though it no longer serves me". It doesnt matter how much time you spent, most relationships are not meant to last forever, if any at all. Take the good times with you, but say "this relationship is no longer serving my needs or wants and I will not waste further time and energy into it." Dont keep watering a dead plant.

3 years isnt a big deal, its not too much wasted time. But how are you going to feel when youve wasted 10 yrs on this guy? 20? If you get married and/or have kids? Hes still going to cheat, and you might not even find out til 30 yrs down the line. Cut the line now. Im guessing youre young- go have fun, be single for a while or meet a better guy. Hes your first bf so hes the only experience youve had- you need more experience to grow in confidence, that you dont need him, that theres better guys out there. What do YOU want in a relationship? Are you ok with settling for a cheater? Who doesnt love, appreciate, or respect you?