#ive considered that maybe im genderfluid for a while now

[two-bats]

gender feelings are happening again. scary.

[leonsleftbicep]

Bake Me Back To Eden

Chapter: II

Ao3 Version

Word Count: 1,183

Tags: Bakery AU, Modern Setting AU, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Vessel/II/III are dating, IV doesn't know them… yet!, Trans II, Nonbinary Vessel, Genderfluid III, They/Them Pronouns for III, It/Its and They/Them Pronouns for Vessel.

Summary: II has an early appointment with a client. heads to Ivy Sprigs for his morning coffee and ham & swiss roll.

II had to go out to work earlier then usual. His client decided to book a five - six hour appointment at nine in the morning. To top it all off he had to shave the grown out scruff on his jaw, and trim his mustache this morning because it was getting in his mouth.

He made his way to ivy sprigs like he did most mornings when he made his way to work, because they took the same route. It was surprisingly hotter than it usually was in the mornings so he rolled up his sleeves and pulled up his hair in a messy bun. not caring how he looks at the moment. 

once at ivy sprigs he went to open the door but it didn’t budge, odd. he decided maybe today wasn’t the day to get coffee but then he heard the jingle of the bell for the door and turned to see IV.

“was just opening up, come on in i’ll get you a ham & swiss roll” Ivy says with a soft look, looking a little longer then usual just to notice II’s more put together appearance and detailed neck tattoo. IV turns around and walks back in, he silently takes a deep breath to calm his nerves. II follows IV in, hold his bag strap a bit out of habit and to calm himself. 

“you can come sit behind the counter with me, no one else is here yet. just us two” IV says with a soft grin as he prepares II ham & swiss roll, like he did every morning for the past month. 

II sits down on a stool near IV, watching as he heats up one of the baked good he likes. 

II looks at the ivy tattoos on IV’s wrists and forearms, “how long have you had those?” II asks while he sets down his bag and pulls out his sketchbook. 

“long, long time. they where originally stick and pokes i did back in uni. then i actually got the rest done by a professional.” IV answers as he hands II the warm ham & swiss roll “i’ll get you that coffee made for you in a second” IV smiles as he starts to clean up the counter. 

II takes a bite of the roll and hums “i could fit you in for a session between some clients if you’re in need of someone to do some designs for you” II offers. 

IV looks over at him with a very obvious blush on his cheeks, “i need a touch up on some tattoos on my thighs, but it would be a while till i can get the money” IV thinks as he looks away and continues to clean up the counter. 

“it's on the house, you already give me free coffee and baked goods” II responds as he sits up straight in a bit of a defensive stoic posture. 

“I consider you a friend now, so it's the most I could do to repay you,” II says with a bit of a softer tone than usual. IV just looks at him with a completely red face and chest. 

“Are you okay Ivy?” II asks worried IV would pass out. 

“im.. im fine, just a bit flustered by-“ was cut off by a whistle “wow Ivy wasn’t expecting you to have a snack this early in the morning” evaline giggles as she walks into the front, she looks II up and down “your that tattoo artist that works up the street, right?” 

IV groans “Lii this is Evaline but i don't think she needs any introduction” he grumbles in an annoyed tone as he motions to her. 

“I like to make myself known,” Evaline smirks, “get your man his coffee, he has work today” she commands as she slaps IV on the rear and makes him squeak. 

II chuckles and covers his mouth “sorry that is just, very funny. it’s understandable now why my partners think you are such a peach” II smiles with so much passion that makes his crows feet really shine. 

IV flusters “im going to go make that coffee for you” he says as he walks off. 

evaline snorts “im going to kill that man if he doesn’t get hitched soon” she says through gritted teeth as she puts her hands on her hips. “believe me i'm trying” II mutters. 

Evaline and II just make eye contact and then act like neither of them ever said that. 

A few moments later IV walks back in with II’s coffee in hand. “So what time is your first?” he asks as he sits on the counter and looks at II. “Nine because this lady is insane” II say before taking a sip of his coffee, “i hate mornings” II grumbles. 

Ivy just looks at him softly “I'll keep that in mind, next time you have an early one just text me so I have it all setup for you” IV offers. ii’s eyes flick to his as he thinks for a second, “i don't have your number?” II say simply. 

“well i can give it to you, yah goof” IV chuckles and puts his hand out for II’s. II looks confused for a second before he understands and gives IV his palm. “you can call me or text me anytime you need m- anything from the bakery” IV says as he internally cringes at the slip up. 

II doesn’t notice the slightest slip up and watches as IV writes his number on II’s palm. the wet ink drying quickly on his skin, the warmth of IV’s hand on his. it makes II sweat.

II’s head was now on a heywire, it couldn’t shut up about IV, he hasn’t felt like this since his first girlfriend in highschool. 

II looks at IV, his eyes scanning over IV’s face wondering if he felt the same. it felt so clique but it was all true, he felt like he was falling head over heels. 

IV and II stare at each other in the eyes for a while, slowly leaning closer and closer unknowingly. 

“eh hem” Erie coughs as her and Evaline stand in the doorway, “works about to start up, we have a couple people outside.” 

Ivy looks at the two and then back at II “i have to get to work, and i bet you do as well” Ivy holds Lii’s hand and kisses the back of his hand. “I'll see you tomorrow,” Ivy says before walking off.

II sits there and tries to collect his thoughts, mulling over what just happened as he holds his to go coffee in one hand as the other is still where IV let go of it. 

Once II zones back in he starts to pack his stuff up, taking a bite of his roll as he focuses on getting out of the cafe as his face gradually redens. 

He runs out of the bakery with a roll stuffed in his mouth, his coffee in hand, and his other hand clutching the strap of his bag for dear life. 

‘The Angels’ Group-Chat

Lii: hey, days all weird today. im on my way to work now. Text me if you need anything.  Thea: hello honey, on your way home pick up some ice cream, poor Vess is all sad today.  Verna: IM IN LOVE AND I CANT HAVE BOTH MY BABIES WITH ME TO COMFORT ME THROUGH THIS!! :::(

[my-castles-crumbling]

dancer anon here

reason for wanting to stay connected to being a girl: i feel good when i present feminine sometimes, I don't know why, while i dont feel like a girl or connected to that at all, i enjoy feeling pretty, and that kinda fuels the "cant not be partially a girl" because i like my feminine attributes (such as my breasts and eyelashes (i really like my eyelashes, they make me feel pretty)) but i tend to like my feminine attributes more when im alone and only /i/ can see myself and think "damn. im pretty today."

ballroom q: i tend to do more follower than leader now but i get to dance with my favorite dance teacher someitmes and shes really nice :D my favorite dance is paso doble (i do more latin ballroom than standard lol, but i do enjoy waltz the most out of standard dances lol (its the first dance i did with leader steps :DD)

correct pronouns: ik that its not really making a big deal to ask, but since im not out to many poeple outside of my friend group. i also dont want to correct my friends because im afraid it will reach someone outside of the group and theyre going to question it because in my school the majority of the students aren't really,,,, allies ig

neopronouns: have considered, didnt fit, so they/them is my go to because it is the one i feel the most comfortable with

confronting my friend: i do sometimes feel like confronting them about it, but its kinda scary because i hate confrontation because of the toxic friend i mentioned, so i dont think im gonna do anything about it (for now maybe?)

trauma: i am 97% sure i dont have any trauma relating to masculine people? however, my memory /is/ actually trash, so i could have just forgotten. the most likely thing that caused the fear would probably be the dance teacher with cold hands, because i hated his classes because they made me feel like dance is an obligation and i have to do everything /correctly/ even though i signed up because i enjoy dance. i also had to dance with him and his hands were cold and i dont like physical touch if im not initiating it (which is kinda why i dont dance with anyone anymore - a combination of physical touch, sweaty hands, and the close proximity. im even scared to dance with the little children i sometimes help dance with, because i dont know if they feel comfortable with physical touch which makes me feel icky)

also its not really something happened to me, its fear of something that /could/ happen (SA, etc)

also i still see that dance teacher around at the studio sometimes. he still scares me, but less? and when i talk to him sometimes, my brain tries to tell me im overexaggerating how much i dislike him, which i may be doing, but he /did/ ruin one of my favorite dances for me, so...

agender label: i do feel comfortable with the agender label, i believe, but ive never really met anyone else using it so i think i ust want to know ppl who also use it

you are also a wonderful human!!!

on another note, i am genuinely in tears thank you, you are so kind <3

Hello again!

So, there's four things I wanna address here:

With the pronouns/friends: Yes, it sounds like it might be a good idea to think more about the pros/cons of this. I still completely think that you deserve the respect of being gendered correctly, but if it's not safe for you to be pushing this,(secrets being shared, an unsupportive space, etc) then it might be a good idea to step back until it is safe to bring it up again. Remember though that you deserve to be supported and loved unconditionally and using your correct pronouns is something that should not be a burden to anyone.

Being agender: Have you considered finding people on here who identify similarly? It could be cool and validating to find a community of people who feel the same way. I know for me it was super exciting to find other nonbinary/genderfluid people.

Being touched: Okay, that makes sense. I definitely get not liking to be touched by people, especially people who give weird sensory input.

Ballroom: Oh, damn Paso Doble? I only know the very basics but it's SO different and cool! Respect <3

Lots of love!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi! i sent in an ask awhile ago about lgbtq struggles and im just now getting around to asking about it i hope thats ok! no tws

so my issue is that i think i might be genderfluid because i keep having phases where i feel masc and then i feel fem and each time i just. hadnt thought "oh i might actually be genderfluid" and i just thought my gender like, changed? for good? like i thought i realised i was trans when i was masc for about a year or longer. so i came out n told people to use he him pronouns for me but just recently ive felt like a girl and at first it was really hard to accept because i didnt want to let go of my transness because i had identified with it for so long. but i guess i sorta dont even have to let it go all the way? because i dont feel female or like strictly a girl, id label myself genderfae right now. but anyways, my problem is that everytime i have a phase of feeling like a different gender it feels so permanent. and right now, i just feel so comfortable in my sapphic genderfae identity and i really dont want it to change again. do you know if this is actually a genderfluid experience or if i was just figuring myself out until now? or do you have any advice or tips? anything would be appreciated.

im so sorry, this is the maybe-genderfluid anon again, i forgot to add something to my ask! yk how i said that i felt sapphic and genderfae currently? what i really mean by that is that i feel like a lesbian. i cant see myself being with a man or being a man too, for that matter. but im scared that that's gonna change sometime. i dont know if it would be right for me to identify as a lesbian given my history of genderfluidity and the fact that it feels permanent each time it happens - like now, sure it FEELS permanent but i dont actually know that it is. i want it to be, but i dont know. im very confused. sorry for the second ask but thats probably the main problem. thank u in advance!

Hi anon,

Like I said in this ask, I think it's important to consider that on some level, identity always changes over time, even for people who identify as cis their entire life. There is no pressure to label yourself and your gender, as it can often be a very complex and fluid concept that may be hard to put any one label on, and that's okay. It's also important to consider that identity, including gender, can change over time, and that's okay too. Just because you no longer resonate with being trans or masc doesn't necessarily mean you were never either of these things. Discovering ourselves is an ongoing process. However, it's also perfectly valid to find comfort in labeling or naming your own experiences.

Part of discovering and finding ways to describe yourself sometimes involves experimenting with labels. I think of it as going to a clothing store and trying on different clothes. Some might be too bright, dark, big, small, and some might be passable for a little while until it just doesn't look right and you go shopping for more clothes, and all of that is okay. I think there's a lot of stigma that comes with trying to experiment with labels and find one that describes you accurately, because society tends to have a hard time respecting a change in identity. Sometimes this can influence the struggle to make these changes publicly.

While in the grand scheme of things your identity may shift various times, I think it's very natural and common to resonate with the gender you currently identify with so strongly that it feels permanent. I can understand how frustrating or confusing it might be to feel so sure that this is a permanent identity, only for it to shift over time. But I think it's worth considering that no identity has to be permanent, and it doesn't necessarily have to be a loss or disappointment if or when it eventually changes.

The way I see it is, if you identify as a lesbian now and in the future you find that you're attracted to men, that's okay. I think it's still fair to say that at one point you were a lesbian, etc. Like I said, discovering yourself is an ongoing process. However you want to identify, as long as it is in good faith (doesn't do harm), is valid. It's ultimately up to you to describe yourself and your identity, as you know yourself best.

I hope I could help, and know that we're here if you need anything.

-Bun

[n0ct0urn1quet]

hi ignore this im not coming back to tumblr yet i just need a place to type this all out. gender identity crisis under the cut lol

gender is confusing. like. really confusing. for the past like 6 hours ive been going back and forth from being really stressed to being fine to panicking to calming back down again and im like. very tired. got a headache. this isnt fun.

everything's just kinda scary right now and i dont really know what to label myself as. transgender doesnt seem right. genderfluid doesnt seem right either. nonbinary or agender seem like they should be the right labels but they dont work either.

i dont even know how to describe what i identify as right now. ever since i was like 10 or 11 or so ive always identified as. yknow. the opposite gender. ive always identified with more masc-aligned identities and overall just. didnt identify as a female in any way. but lately i feel like thats changed. i still identify more with masc-aligned identities but also im somewhat fine with being called she/her and being referred to. well. what i would consider to be my deadname.

am i gonna openly ask people to call me by my deadname or to use she/her pronouns for me? probably not. ig its not that i want to be called by those pronouns and name, its more like im just. okay with being called that. it doesnt bother me like it used to. most of you dont even know what my deadname is and im not gonna share it, simply cause i just dont feel comfortable sharing my birthname.

and yeah i know that pronouns dont equal gender. i know that i could go by she/her pronouns or at least be fine with being called she/her but still identify as trans or nonbinary or whatever. its just that at the moment i dont know what labels are right for me and i dont really know who i am or what i want.

top surgery is something ive wanted since i found out i was trans, and i guess i still plan on getting top surgery. i dont know about whether i want to get bottom surgery yet or if i just dont want to get it at all. it used to be something i wasnt really interested in doing, then it became something i wanted to do, but now its just. something im not interested in anymore? that being said i might still consider it but im not sure atm.

testosterone is also something i didnt want to do at first but for a while i started to think about it a lot and. yeah. i think i want to do that.

ig i just want to look both feminine and masculine. i want top surgery and i want to start taking testosterone but i wouldnt call myself male or a trans male. i dont want bottom surgery and i dont mind dressing in a feminine way but i wouldnt call myself female or nonbinary. i want to appear masculine and feminine at the same time without calling myself male or female, but at the same time i feel like nonbinary isnt the right term. maybe im just bigender? genderflux? genderqueer?

i honestly dont know at this point.

i think im gonna try going by neopronouns again so. xe/xem pronouns are preferred for now, but im also fine with any other pronouns (he/she/they)

im not gonna change my name, and i still dont have a good label for myself yet. but for now i'll just call myself genderqueer bc that seems to be the best way to describe this whole fiasco haha

anyways. if you made it this far then thanks for reading all of this, even though you really didnt have to. im not coming back to tumblr just yet, i just needed a place to get my thoughts out, and ig i just kinda need support/feedback rn. i'll probably come back to tumblr in a little while but i need some time to figure things out. also i just need some space cause of. yknow. mental health problems. havent been doing so good lately but im working on it so. wish me luck :')

[theropoda]

1, 3, 6, 8, 19 (I'm Gryffindor :3c), 22, 26, 29 Sorry that's a lot but I'm curious sjfhsh

HEY SORRY it took so fuckin long to reply, im really eager to answer but im also tired as fuck ugh….also dw about sending too many !! thank you for that actually!! again, putting under a readmore

1:if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? answered already!

3: list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with. askin for my kin list huh….real sneaky of you…. honestly i have so many damn fandoms and so many damn characters in each, this is hard, but off the top off my head, narancia from jojo (we both didnt get a proper education and suck at maths...brothers in arms) the batter from OFF,, uhh god i honestly forgot what other fuckin fandoms im in,,,, OH um. that khajiit from the elder scrolls oblivion in the shivering isles who you have to kill but he just likes dogs :( and?? hmmm. james sunderland from silent hill? i didnt kill my spouse but we (handshake emoji) guilt shame and regret, also heather from, again, silent hill, and uhhmm.... thats all i can think of rn Fuck

6: are you religious/spiritual? kind of complicated answer but basically yeah, even though i don’t really connect with the religion i was raised as…? i’m not sure. i was raised as a muslim but never felt like one because i know like, nothing about the religion, so i’m not sure i consider myself one. i am trying to learn more about islam though but. Boy it’s not easy. but i am determined to learn as much as possible! but yeah i do believe in god

8: what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? “lifetime” i assume this means artists ive listened to for a loooong time....  my answer would be AJJ, i don’t know when i started listening to them but it’s been a while now....three years? that’s the longest i’ve listened to one particular artist. but other than just period of time i’ve also felt connected to them for a long time. as i mentioned earlier they’ve been a big help for me when i was going through tough times. i’ve also listened to alias conrad coldwood ever since i played off which was like WAY back in 2014 or 2015, i don’t think i’ve ever found any other artist like him, and both his soundtrack for OFF and the thing’s he’s done outside of that are amazing and when i listen to his stuff i feel like this music was just. MADE for me, i was made for this music, like it’s a key and im a keyhole. i absolutely love crying girls especially it’s just fucking amazing and there’s not a SINGLE track on there i dont like holy FUCK i love that sound im gonna stop before this turns into an essay on why i love it but . ITs. Good.,

19: which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle? i don’t know much about harry potter, all i know is that slytherin is the Evil One so i’m going to assume that. but honestly i’d be a muggle (i hope im not using the word wrong, it means non-wizard right??)

22: list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order. umm...hm.. 

1. being on discord (if anyone is online lmao, thanks timezones)

2. browsing thru tumblr/twitter 

3. listening to music

4. taking a nap :)

5. drawing

26: how would you describe your gender/sexuality? ah easy! my gender is pee pee poo poo poo pee.... hm but for real it’s kinda complicated, been thinking maybe i’m genderfluid because my gender doesn’t seem to be constant. sometimes i’m more feminine, othertimes more masculine, sometimes both sometimes none, it changes...as for sexuality, god i don’t know lol it’s complicated...i think i fall for people regardless of gender? so maybe pan? because i’ve never felt gender to be a barrier to who i fall for, so long as they’re a wonderful person with a good heart my own heart will shit the bed...it’s all very (thinking emoji) but i’m figuring it out!!

29: three songs that you connect with right now.  i’ve did this already but i’ll do it again cause it’s fun!! stagnation by genesis, walk through the fire by peter gabriel, and running on a treadmill by oingo boingo!!

[sighfertryptich]

Im going to rant(ish), skip if you want.

So I was watching a video (its the “Generations React to Dan Howell and Eugene Lee Yang Coming Out On Youtube” video by FBE) and everyone started sharing their coming out stories, and everyone was sharing that they were either scared or felt a freak by it. I felt that I wanted to, considering this is the only platform I have on here that I can express myself to the fullest without judgement, share my own, even though I am not in an accepting household.

So, let me start out with this. Growing up, I thought I was straight. There were no signs of me feeling any different than other kids. I was one of the more innocent children, I didnt care about gender identity or sexuality. I just cared about who I was going to play with at recess. By the time I hit fifth grade, I was naïve to the fact that not everyone was attracted to everyone around them. I didn’t understand that some boys only liked girls, and some girls only liked boys. In my community, it was rare that the gays and lesbians understood what it was, so they werent around to put that knowledge in our vocabulary. To me, if you had a crush, it could be on either a female or a male, whether or not you were the same gender or the opposite.

Reaching middle school, about a year later, our views were widened. People around me were realizing or expressing their sexualities. I, on the other hand, still didn’t understand that there were labels to these things. (Keep in mind, there still weren’t lesbians or gays out in the open yet. Everyone was either bisexual or straight.)

When this new vocabulary came to light, I could finally attempt to put a name to myself, liking both men and women.

I accepted the term bisexual for myself at the ripe age of 11.

I didn’t plan on telling my parents. I never wanted to. They didnt have to know who I was imagining kissing, they didnt have to know who I had crushes on. To this day, I never planned on telling them until the day came that I would have to. As in, if the time came, I would tell them when I got engaged to a woman.

Throughout middle school, I was labeled bisexual. It just felt normal to like who I wanted to like, and the people I surrounded myself with accepted me. I guess I got lucky with that. Reaching into high school, I got my first serious woman x woman crush. Every single day, she’d come into class and I would just gush over her. She was gorgeous. And being honest, a ripe 13 year old me was in her scene phase, and this girl oozed alternative. She had a grunge look, part of her hair was dyed sea-foam green, and she was sweet and funny and kind. As far as I knew, she liked me back.

I remember my first Sadie Hawkins dance. I got with my school’s GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) Club and put together this whole thing where me and a couple friends made shirts that said “Will you go to Sadie Hawkins with me?” She said yes! but then later the dance was canceled and we just made other plans. As time went on, she led me on to thinking she liked me. I found out she didn’t and that she was wasting her time on me when she got with one of my guy friends.

This is when my chronic depression stepped its pussy up. Thank you Dan Howell for giving me that quote.

When I was 15, I moved to my small town a state over where I reside to this day. I was still labeling myself as bisexual. I met my first lesbian that year. (And yes, this was my first time meeting a lesbian. Im serious.) She became my best friend for the next 3 and a half years. She opened me to the world of different labels and helped me through finding out what I realized I truly was.

I was, and am, Pansexual. And a proud one at that. #PansexualPride.

I got my first serious girlfriend when I was 18. Or at least, I thought it was serious. I was head over heels for her. She claimed she was bisexual. [I say claimed because she admitted after we broke up that she was straight.]

Long story short, she used me to go to RenFest, then broke up with me a week later blaming her depression, then got with some dude a day later.

A couple of months later, I met a girl through an app called Amino. She was pansexual, like me, and we had a lot of the same interests. Only problem was that while I lived in Louisiana, she lived on an island off the coast of Florida.

Although our relationship didn’t last long, I added her because this was the first time in my entire life that I actually could see myself marrying a woman.

Let me explain.

Up until this point, I had only ever seen myself marrying a man. Yes, I had an attraction to women. Ive dated women, although not many, but never could see myself marrying any of them. Nothing wrong with that.

During this time, I cut my hair very short. Like, pixie-cut with an undercut. My intentions to cut it were that it’d be easier to put up into wigs when I cosplayed, and it’d be less to take care of and look good. We’ll come back to this later.

Directly after our 3 month anniversary, yes I do month anniversaries, I met my current girlfriend, Cole.

I swear, it was one of those moments where you see someone and you know they’re going to be in your life for years to come. [Fun fact - she told me that after she had met me for the first time, she joked with her friend that her and I “would have an August wedding” even though we barely had passed a few sentences between each other.] There’s just that feeling when you look someone in the eyes and know that there’s something special about them. Something you want - no, need - in your life, whether it’s to make a life-long decision or just to help you grow as a person.

I started dressing more comfortably. I no longer wore skirts or dresses. I wore jeans and t-shirts and hats and less makeup. I wore chains attached to my belt loops. All in all, I started looking more masculine, even though it was just me dressing comfortably. My job allowed it, I was earning the money to allow me to buy clothes like this. It made me happy. I started feeling more comfortable with more masculine terms rather than strictly feminine terms, ie. “mans, they, them, boy” etc. I wasn’t uncomfortable when someone said I looked like a boy, nor was I uncomfortable with my female body. I just didnt care. It wasnt insulting as I was raised to think it was. In fact, I encouraged it. I allowed - and still allow - people to think I was whatever gender they assigned me with. In all, I became Genderfluid. Gender Neutral, if you will.

Now, we’re going to back up just a tiny bit. Tee tiny, nothing big.

About a month before I met Cole, someone outted me to my mother. Keep in mind, I was never planning on coming out to her. My older sister is like me, Pansexual. She strives on the fact that she doesnt tell people she’s in a woman x woman relationship unless people directly ask. She doesnt label her sexuality. And I look up to her severely for that.

My mother is homophobic. She says she isn’t, and maybe she’s not, due to the fact she accepts my sister and her girlfriend, and hopes they get married someday. But for me, I was supposed to be the ray of hope. I was supposed to be blonde, straight, thin, cheerleading captain female who went to college and became highly successful. I wasn’t supposed to be the 5-foot-8, blue haired, overweight, artsy gender fluid kid she had who dropped out of high school, got their GED, and “doesnt show signs of responsibility” (- per my mother, who doesnt want to put me through college) kid she ultimately got.

Dressing how I felt was comfortable and loving who I wanted to love brought me hate from the one person who should love me unconditionally - my own mother. Most people were given hate by their peers, being called gay and butch. My hate was given from the person who gave me life. My mother has said that she regrets getting pregnant with me, and that she would’ve stopped after her first two kids. In fact, she had her tubes tied BEFORE she got pregnant with me. I was being born, with or without her consent. She has told me countless times that she feels like she failed as a parent due to the way I came out as an adult.

To this day, she tells me that I constantly look “too lesbian” or “too butch” and that I need to “go back to how I used to look”. She doesnt accept that I like women. She calls me a lesbian - and everyone knows that when you like both men and women, you’re very obviously not a lesbian. Ive told her countless times that I’m not a lesbian. But she never listens. She uses the term lesbian as anyone in middle school would use the word gay - as an insult.

It makes me confused. How could you raise your kid - which by the way, Im the first kid she raised on her own, her other two were raised with either my grandmother or the baby’s father - and tell them you’re disgusted by their happiness? How could you be okay with one pansexual daughter and hate the other?

(This next part might be TMI but it makes another avid point.)

How can you be okay with your daughter sending explicit pictures to a boy, but be disgusted by your daughter holding hands with a girl?

I still have to hide my relationship with Cole. It makes me sick to my stomach to not be able to say “Mom, this is my girlfriend.” with the girl I care ever so deeply for. I want to take her to family events and show her to the world, screaming at the top of my lungs that Cole is mine and mine alone.

Cole tells me that I’m an idiot when I get gushy. In fact, she’ll probably text me saying I made her cry (dont worry, its tears of love) if she gets to the end of this.

Cole is gorgeous. Even when I spend the night, and she’s got sleep in her eyes the next morning, teeth not yet brushed, hair a mess, making gross yawning faces, I still think she’s quite possibly the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. She’s always got me nonstop laughing, doubling over and straight up snorting sometimes. She’s caring and headstrong, not afraid to stand up for what she believes in.

I want to be able to show her off.

But I cant with a mother like mine.

So, long story short, I grew up in an accepting community. Fell hard for some men and some women. Grew up and realized who I was as a person. Found someone who accepts me through each and every questioning moment I have with myself. Yet, I cant show her off like the people around me all because of the one person who gave me life.

I guess you could say this is the end, but everyone knows its a To Be Continued. You just gotta roll with what life gives you, whether or not the people in your life are there to love you or hurt you.

If you got this far, I applaud and also thank you. I’m not able to rant to anyone like this, so if you took the time to read this, I appreciate it. No one wants to hear my story. If you do…

My name is Marley, and I am a Pansexual, Gender Neutral, KPop loving cosplayer who is not afraid to love who they want to love.

Thank you ♡

(Btw, sorry if I got off track towards the end. My mind wanders when telling stories. I wrote this on my phone so I’ll go back and add a “Keep Reading” thing if you’d rather just skip it.)

[kendrixtermina]

Gender is a quale (as in singular of qualia) isn’t it?

​It just occurred to me sometime yesterday, as a conclusion on some stuff i was reading...

maybe this is just me being stumped over a  purely semantic realization in a way that is more indicative of my past perspective than reality, but - 

It’s got to be, right? At least the hard-wired, not socially scripted parts. 

Most of the assigned behaviors etc. have varied wildly across cultutures and time periods, but there’s the part that stubbornly manifests in toddlers as an emergent property. You can’t just take a girl and raise them as a boy youd give them pretty much the same host pf phychological issues experienced by trans ppl , (we know this unfortunately because psychology used to be a new and inexact science until recently )

A lot of the talk/ discourse makes it out to be this vague and unscientific thing about “what you feel like inside” but I don’t think that level of fuzzyness is needed here, like probably has a cause in your brain somehow. How you interpret it and what it means is a different matter (”What is this feeling am I sad, tired or comming down with the flu”) but if you say you have an experience there must be something causing you to have it just due to, physics. 

Perhaps you could define it as “marking behavior”, marking yourself as one group or another or neither, but HOW you mark yourself as such seems to be largely pulled from the environment.

In that sense maybe you could say that gender might actually be older than sex

Yeast as an unicellular organism doesn’t have a specialization between nutrient rich mating cells and fast, mobile mating cells (which is all that male or female as a concept boil down to under the microscope), but they do secrete one or two of some particular signaling proteins, and when you look at it its less about actual mating than about how the organism ‘acts’  (which of course but where it came from doesn't really matter for what you actually do with it, such as you might get a person who’s completely aroace but still considers herself a girl., its all just likelihoods and explanations no rules goals or prescriptiveness)

Of course you would probably have to get sharper there in terms of definition, there’s  precious little distinction between physiological processes and “behavior” (strictly speaking an animals-only thing) though that division is kinda illusory even in things as complex as us

That would make it about the only qualia where most of us, apart from the genderfluid/flux folks,  experience only a single one in our existence, and then if youre unlucky you might have to argue about it with other people who tell you what to do and that youre doing it incorrectly

Imagine if it was smell, but that there was only one smell for your entire life. For most of us it’s been static but it doesn’t actually have to be. 

Thinking about it that way also explains why some ppl come up with those relatively poetic/aesthetisy descriptions for what it is they’re experiencing, probably varying shades of “no clue what i am sensing, lets try using associative brain to explain it” 

You don’t think of it as a perception but it probably is one... since it can change for some people (lots of perceptions are ‘internal’ like proprioception etc or of highly human-specific things not directly related to describing reality (consider the color magenta)) and you could probably use it like a grounding question or reality check question while meditating attempting to lucid dream ot just getting really high,  “Are you dreaming right now?” “Is your hand purple right now?” 

“Are you a girl right now” - which of course assumes that this has only one answer while you are sober and awake. If this was loaded with traumatic experiences for you would probably freak yourself out not that id know

But you wouldnt even have to open your eyes and look at your hand, (as with the lucid dreaming technique example... then again that’s only useful if your dreams tend to be 3rd person narratives with non-you characters if you always have your ‘default stats’ in dreams then its not gonna make a difference. I just end up debating wether to wake up or not instead of thinking of doing any cool stuff which probably means that ive definitely NOT cracked this lucid dreaming thing yet.  Some of my siblings have, that just makes me feel like im failing to take full advantage of our weirdo genes)

Am I a girl right now? Probably yes, though nothing in life should be accepted without reflection and maybe the time has come to think about it even if it just leads to the same, though more founded conclusion. I think I’d probably have noticed by now if the final answer was different im defs not a dude. 

[sundrenched-smilez]

odd numbers for the lesbian asks! (if it's too many just do every 4th one maybe?)

1. Femme or butch? 

for type, im vry easily wooed by butches tbh

as for myself, im genderfluid + heavily lean towards butch-ish for one gender + have been gettin more comf w that term for myself. the 3 genders i switch between, ive described as sharp, dainty and tired, for reason of not really being comf w gender labels aside from nonbinary. sharp/tired r kinda butchish, moreso sharp. like leather jackets, ripped jeans, dress pants/shirts, defs flannels (which r a given for any mood im in tbh) while tired is like mb softer, more focused on flannels + loose tank tops/shirts, shorts + certain skirts, comfy clothes, and the like   

ive found that i’m leaning more towards butch lately too, like i’ve been a lot more comfortable with pants and a nice top than i have w dresses or most skirts + im wondering if i was just hanging on to femininity for sake of society, so those r things 2 think abt. i still feel comf in them sometimes, but it’s getting much less often. gender’s weird, i still cant cling to one bc of how pressuring that is so genderfluidity is still smth for me + it shifting to different percentages is okay (im thinking out loud @ this point, but its helping so i hope its interesting to read)

3. Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

both, but primarily flannels/plaid buttion-ups

5. Describe your aesthetic

aaahh theres a lot of diff aesthetics i could go into, but i have a tag if ur interested in a visual representation? basically, cosy homes, forests, wooden steps and bridges, cats, girls/nbs, water, plants, and old video game stuff, and clouds/skies. i’m sure there’s more in there, but for a good rule of thumb !! as for like dressing aesthetic, i like to look rly gay + attractive and a lil showy? like my shorts r Short and i love crop tops + a lot of my shirts show my bra thru them, + i like showing it when i can, like sports bra + a tank top is a fav look of mine bc i can make it look like my bra is a trim on the shirt + it’s cute. i’ve been wearing dresses less often, but occasionally, i like to rock one. id love a pair of combat boots but i have like size 11/12 feet + most stores dont carry that size + im hesitant to buy some online. 

7. Favorite pair of shoes?

its rly hard to find any, i have like walmart converse knockoffs atm + theyre a beige/grey color im not that huge on, it kinda reminds me of sandalwood but depressed

9. Any haircut goals for the future? 

there was the undercut!! and i have that down now c: next step is to dye it blue and mb some purple. i wanna bleach it if i’m gonna dye it, but im hesitant to do that bc of how damaging it is, but since my hair’s been cut a cpl time almost all the color is out now, so i think itll b ok if i take good care of it. 

11. Describe the worst date you’ve been on

i went to a cafe w someone (i think they were nb but i cant remember, it was like 2 yrs ago about ) and they were impossible to talk to bc they just kept saying “im awkward sorry” @ everything and like any conversations i tried to maintain were all one-shot responses, and like that was a lil frustrating. like i dont hold it against them or anything, more in a sense of i was rly tryin 2 carry it and just couldnt 

13. If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

whooh i wish i was taken, i need affection + to b cute w someone 

15. Describe your dream wedding

hmmmm i havent thought much about it !! i know when i was younger i wanted to wear a black wedding dress but now im thinkin mb a suit that switches to dress @ the bottom?? that could b cool. I’d be happy w anything tbh, if im getting married, i’d just b happy to be w my wife/spouse. mb somewhere in a forest or on a boat would b cool, defs lots of good food and colorful flowers. I’d like a lot of color, most weddings ive been to are just b/w and bland for my taste (they’ve also all been straight tho so theres that.) it’s kind of wild to think that i might b married someday, but it’d b rly nice. i just haven’t thought much abt the planning of one. it’d b rly gay tho, probs give out tiny gay flags at each seat, and the cake could b lesbian flag colors. im rly drawing a blank on this, but i know id want all my friends around the country + world to be there. 

17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

i definitely want to live in a port town at some point !! idk where i’d like to settle down, ideally somewhere that doesnt get much hotter than 90 degrees + has lots of parks + is big enough for some events, like pride stuff, little festivals, a farmer’s market, and places to do things, such as a movie theater, bowling alley, mb an aquarium, if not one in a nearby town. hiking trails r also good. 

19. Favorite lesbian novel/story?

on a sunbeam!!! its a huge inspiration for me, and i love it so much. it always puts me in such a good mindset when i read it, and the artist is my age, so it makes me feel like I can also accomplish great things if i rly put my heart into it!! which is such a good feeling, and it has great representation + characters that i love, and its rly gay, and in space and theres ships shaped like fish + its gorgeous : D i could go on for hrs abt it + how important it is to me. theres an nb character too, and like the aspect of found families is one that rly hits home and it helped me get thru a rough time of my life + better accept myself as queer/gay. 

21. Favorite lesbian musician?

adult mom (tho i think they’re bi but still gay), or hayley kiyoko

23. Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i think so, but i can’t place when, it’s been a bit. 

25. Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

talking abt being gay w other girls/nbs is lovely and cathartic, i never got to growing up bc i lived in a homophobic town + i was like dealing heavily with internalized homophobia and body/gender dysphoria so i was ace for a bit. talking more abt like sexual attraction + aesthetic attraction is new to me, and that’s been a process to get to, but it’s nice that I can now do so w/o being belittled or barraged by insult. i also just love the thought of being w someone, and daydreaming abt when that happens is really nice. also,, girls + nbs r a blessing and brighten my day and im so glad im attracted 2 them 

27. Turn ons?

absolutely communication, that’s a need. i had a bad experience w someone bc she wasn’t communicative at all, and failed to tell me that we weren’t dating despite us going on several dates + kissing??? like i wont go too into it, but hatchi matchi it was a mess. so yeah, communication, affection, and like reassurance that they actually want to be with me, and that my presence is wanted and enjoyed. I got a lot of “i dont care”s for answers last sort-of relationship, and that was rly discouraging. another turn on is for them to initiate talking and things, like holding hands or planning to hang out + such. consent is another big one. 

29. Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

i usually tend to ask them out, but im still dealing w internalized junk, so its difficult. i also havent any situations in which they liked me back, which is frustrating. like i got lead on earlier summer for abt a month until i asked what we were doing + didnt rly get an answer, and it was this whole mess. i generally try to make the first move tho, bc i know firsthand how difficult it is, but that being said, it’s still hard for me to know for sure if theyre interested + i dont wanna make things uncomf w them, so i’ll wait until i think there might b attraction. that being said, once that’s all out of the way, i like to consider myself a good flirt when im trying. 

31. Talk about your interests or hobbies!

i have lots of interests!! im obsessed w steven universe, its my fav show (and if u ever have time, we should totally watch it together sometime, i rly think you’d love it, it’s super gay + heartwarming.) i really love playing music and learning new songs, which im rly great at memorizing. talking to friends + gettin 2 know them better is always nice and fun. i like to draw new things + see the different ways ppl draw, so seeing art on here is always fun for me. i’m also rly into polygon videos (it’s a youtube channel, not like videos abt polygon haha) and this podcast called the adventure zone. season one just ended, so i might start listening to another one called friends at the table. i rly wanna start a podcast w someone, but can never find anyone to start it with. idk what I’d talk abt but if i could find a partner for it, i think it’d be a lot of fun. mb smth abt games or books/queer representation in media. doing a dnd podcast would also b rly fun, but a lot of work + editing so mb later down the road !! im blanking on other interests atm, but animations and cartoons r lovely and i aim to make something in that field one day, if not just a comic.

my hobbies r mostlyyyy drawing, dnd things now every thursday, hanging w my friends, playing video games, sometimes writing (i rly wanna start a comic, and im tryin to get my butt into gear on it), goin to parks, listening to music, and goin 2 events w roe + cesar, two of my friends. sometimes ill play music!! i need to get more than the keyboard i’m lending, but i love performing. ill also watch leg birds on youtube, theyre a lesbian couple that plays gams + theyre rly sweet. 

33. Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

its easy for me to love friends, doesnt usu take me more than a few months of knowing them if were talking a lot. as for falling in love, that takes me a lot longer. ive never rly been in love w someone. i thought i was once, but rly it was just my first gay experience w someone and i wanted it to be perfect so i projected a lot of things + made it better than it seemed to myself for the duration of it, which wasn’t healthy, so i wanna avoid doing that again, + take things slower next time. or at least for what they are. 

35. Ever fallen for a straight girl?

a few times, they were just crushes tho, so it wasnt too too bad

37. Favorite comfort food?

hot cocoa or tea. as for food food, i dont think i have one. mb french toast or cinnamon rolls. 

39. Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

i used to be a vegetarian!! for like a yr, but it was difficult for me to eat and feel full, and i was pretty underweight, so i stopped. 

41. Early-riser or night-owl?

both, i tend to stay up, but getting up early can be nice if i dont have to do anything. like just gently waking + making some tea and a nice breakfast + sittin around for a bit. 

43. What is your Myers-Briggs type?

enfp-a 

45. At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

i think like 16-17? it took me a bit to get words for identity, like lesbian/nonbinary and the like, but i always knew, like id call myself an individual as opposed to gendered terms that i was referred to, and always felt rly yucky w deadname + the wrong pronouns

47. Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

ive got one crush atm !! and another person who seems nice, but i wanna hang out w before like thinking abt a crush (im poly, which perhaps goes w/o saying, but i always like to state it when talking abt these things, jic )

49. Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

i’d like a partner or two, to get some bongos- i got to play some a couple weeks ago, and it was the most fun i’ve had playing anything!! having smth with an instant response that i could make up rhythms with was really rewarding and so much fun. i know i want a cat at some point, to go on cute dates + cuddle and kiss a lot w someone, to visit my friends in other places, dye my hair, get a better job, to travel a bit, make a comic, go to college for animation and storyboarding, mb go to camp at some point, and I’d like to make some more friends here, i’m already making some, which i’m super happy about, but it’s always nice meeting new ppl 

thank u for asking!! this was relaxing + fun, and a lot of the topics were cathartic to talk about, and i needed it. so thanks for listening too kinda

also im queen of commas, i’ve discovered while typing this

[transssexualheart]

All!!

GOD BLESS YOUR SOUL1. you woke up naked to the last person you texted, what would you say?probably something along the lines of “sarah what the fuck”2. what’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?they asked me this! we are still very good friends3. if your bf or gf was into drugs, would you care?nah4. is your last name longer than six letters?it’s exactly six letters5. was your last kiss drunk or sober?sober, ive never been drunk6. have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?idk, i mean that girl i asked out earlier this month hardcore rejected me so i guess technically i messed it up by asking her bc we aren’t friends anymore but she was kind of a dick so i don’t care7. what does your last received text say?“ur bio on tumblr is my old bio but with there must be added and ur info and that’s amazing good taste lad”8. how many times have you kissed the last person u kissed?idk i didn’t count and the last one was over a year ago so it’s been a while 9. where was your last kiss at?idk i think it was ur house??10. when is the last time you saw your sister?like fifteen minutes ago11. what do you drink in the morning?usually water, sometimes juice12. where did you sleep last night?my bed13. do you think relationships are hard? i mean, i suppose so. everything is pretty hard, especially when it involves love. but isn’t it supposed to be? if there aren’t hard parts or struggles, then how are the good parts any good? this is not to say that abusive relationships are any at all good, if your partner is hurting you a lot, physically or emotionally, then it’s not worth the good parts. 14. if you could go back and change something in the past five months, would you?nah, my past five months have been alright. i don’t really regret anything i did.15. you’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?how many times do i have to tell you we are good friends no there are no problems16. would you rather it be sunny or rainy?depends, i don’t want all sunny or all rainy. but i love summer rain, so17. do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?no, i do know people who’s first name are my middle name18. are you wearing jeans, sweatpants, or pajama pants?leggings and a skirt bitch19. do you think you will be in a relationship three years from now?god i hope so20. does anyone like you?i know for a fact that at least one person does21. have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?no, ive got multiple friends with s names though so which one of you wants to change that ;^)22. is the last person you kissed gay?oh you fuckinh bet23. is there a person you cannot stand?of course, donald trump24. have you ever considered getting a tattoo?of course! i actually do have a stick and poke25. in the past week have you cried?well this week just started, i did cry last week tho26. what breed was the last dog you saw?idk27. do you dry off in the shower or outside the shower?outside28. have you ever kissed a football player?nope29. do you think you’re old?im 14, so no30. do you like text messaging?yeah, its p cool31. what type of day are you having?alright, pretty gay32. have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?yeah, i def want piercings33. do you prefer warm or cold weather?i used to say cold, but warmer weather makes me so happy lately, it’s usually spring or summer when i fall hard for people so34. is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to youdan avidan35. would you prefer a relationship or a fling?relationship36. are you a simple or complicated person?i dont know37. what song are you listening to?when the day met the night by p!atd38. when you say you’re sorry do you mean it?yes39. is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?ah i’m confused about genders and stuff of my friends sometimes, ive got two really close friends, one is genderfluid so sometimes they’re a girl and they know pretty much everything about me, the other idk?? she calls herself a girl sometimes but i’m still unsure but she knows nearly everything40. what made you start liking the person you like now?idk. it really just kind of happened? i think it’s that they make me laugh, which is super important to me41. when did you last get a text message?maybe an hour ago??42. what is wrong with you right now?i’m afraid of my friends not liking me, not caring, fuckin it up :)43. how well do you know the last female you texted?GENDER IS CONFUSING SO IDK WHAT COUNTS AND WHAT DOESN’T44. does anyone disgust you?donald trump, mike pence45. would you date someone right now if they asked?depends46. are you in a good mood right now?i’m alright i guess47. who was the last person you talked to in person?my mom48. what color shirt are you wearing?navy blue kinda49. has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?don’t think so50. anyone you’re giving up on?nah51. do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?no no no52. have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?i once thought about giving up on a friendship, but couldn’t.53. do you like rain?no, i hate myself (i like the actual rain tho, especially in summer)54. do you care if your gf/bf drinks? so long as they aren’t getting hurt and it’s not unhealthy55. have you ever liked somebody and never told them?yep56. do you like to cuddle?YES, who wants to fucking cuddle i will give you forever love57. are you shy?i have social anxiety58. do you get along with girls?yes i love them59. have you dated the last person you texted?yes, actually because after the long time it took to answer all these the last person i texted is different from the last person i had texted when i started this. the last person i texted was the asker lol60. what do you carry with you at all times?my phone, chapstick, lipstick, and pads61. if you were paid 1 million dollars to spend one night in a supposed haunted house, would you?well i’m super paranoid and scared of the dark so i’d def need someone to come with me but for i million dollars, that so much money man so probably62. do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?yeah63. think back to october, were you in a relationship?no64. the person you like kissed you on the forehead, do you find this cute?YES FUCK ME UP65. did anything cute happen in the last week?person i have a crush on existed and they’re cute as hell so yes66. how old are the last three people you kissed?LOL IVE KISSED ONE PERSON they’re fifteen67. would you rather pay people to get your nails done or do them yourself?i always do them myself68. which do you like better, zebra print or leopard print?neither i don’t like animal print69(lol). do you have any stickers on your car?i don’t have a car, my mom’s has a bunch of bernie stickers tho70. would you rather listen to luke brian or lil wayne?yeah i don’t listen to either so no idea71. blackberry, andriod, or iphone?iphone72. when’s the last time you had a pizza from pizza hut?uhhhhh i was like 1173. do you like diet soda?never had it74. what color are the walls in your room?pink75. are you 16 or older?already said, i’m 14 so no76. do you watch pretty little liars?no77. do you have a job?nope78. what are your initials?REO (i haven’t written them out since my name change over a year ago, wild)79. did you ever have braces?no, i am missing an entire adult tooth tho80. are you from the south?nah81. what does your last status on facebook say?i don’t really use facebook, only for messaging and seeing drama club updates82. do you still talk to the first person you kissed? yeah did it today83. are you closer to your mom or dad?my dad died when i was eight so by default, my mom84. have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?nope85. what’s the last movie you saw in theaters?i think it was the ghostbusters reboot86. do you smoke?nah87. would you rather wear heels or flip flops?heels88. is your phone touch screen?yeah89. do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?i don’t have hair, my head is shaved. i used to wear it straight, but if i had time i would’ve curled it every morning (curly hair makes me weak tbh)90. have you ever snuck out of your house?nah91. would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?a pool92. have you ever made out in a car?i have kissed in a car, but it was not making out93. had sex in a car?never had sex anywhere94. are you single or in a relationship?single95. what were you doing last night at midnight?sleeping (wow me sleeping at a somewhat reasonable time?)96. when’s the last time you saw fireworks?probably on the fourth of july97. do you like the camera on your phone?it’s ok98. have you ever had a friend with benefits?if the benefit is their love then yes99. have you ever passed out from drinking?no100. are you friends with people on facebook you actually hate?i don’t really use facebook101. have you ever had a pregnancy scare?lol no i’ve never had sex102. name your fav kesha song:tik tok probably lol103. do you have any tan lines right now?it’s winter, no104. would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?i rarely wear shorts, let alone cowboy boots

tysm for asking!!!!