#ive been trying to work up the courage to post this for FOREVER

[punkstylerecovery]

Sometimes I think if I were a better person I wouldn't be suicidal. I feel like it must be a character flaw, like my suicidal urges are only proof that I’m an irredeemable human being, that I’m broken, that I don’t belong here. 

It’s strange because I don’t believe that about other people. I know it’s hypocritical on so many different levels, especially since I know most of the time that my suicidal urges have distinct and obvious causes but even when they don’t, it’s still such bullshit. “You wanna die? It must be because you’re not supposed to exist!” Who gives a fuck if I’m supposed to exist or not? I’m here, it’s my life, that’s all that should matter. 

But funnier still is the fact I’m not sure if I think I’m a worse person because I’m suicidal or just because I exist in general. I know that’s how being suicidal works a lot of the time but it’s actually really hard to talk about. I feel like my existence is a negative addition to the universe, like me shoving my way into a space I shouldn’t be in is disrupting others, like others would be better off if I just...wasn’t. 

But we’re (suicidal ppl) not supposed to talk about that! It makes other people uncomfortable, or panicked, or they feel guilty and that’s not even taking into account it’s really intimate and fucking HARD to put into words. 

To be honest though? I have the words. I just don’t really have the guts to share them. But here I am, sharing. Because what’s more punk than a bit of a fuck you to yourself and societal ideals? 

[sostrangerous]

Ok, I lied, I'm back, but only because I need to give u compliments.

I have never in my life read a fic that has made me this emotionally distraught. I have read works that have made me relive my grief or maybe make me a little anxious, but never ever have I read something like this. I think the reason why is because, particularly, mark, hits too close to home for a lot of reasons, he reminds me of my sister and me, and his family reminds me of mine. Even if I just think about the story I just feel so hopeless and dreadful because I Know it's not gonna get better lol I think it's one of those 'it gets worse before it gets better' stories and the 'it gets worse' part are gonna be so excruciating.

You are very skilled at writing emotionally constipated characters, also, I'm gonna piggy back off that person that said that the story was easy to read because I think that one of the biggest reasons why is because the vocabulary that you use is precise, understandable, and it gets the point across very quickly with as little fanfare as possible and even when you do jazz it up its very natural and it never feels out of place. The way that you use metaphors, internal monologs, and other literary devices is also very good, obviously, I think that if your use of them was bad then the story wouldn't have as much of an impact as it does.

Also, your characterizations of mark, jaemin, jeno, haechan, and renjun don't feel too out of left field, at least for me. I can see how, in another universe, they could've been this way.

This is such a good story, and I've been telling my sister about it, and she agrees. I remember when chapter 16 was posted, and mark had said, "dont make me think about tomorrow... don't make me think about anything at all. " she said that that is exactly what she felt like when she was going through the worst of it with her ocd.

I hope you take everything I wrote as a compliment because I really do mean it. no story has ever made me want to organize my thoughts into something concise and have the courage to tell the person. You are a marvelous writer, and I hope that writing brings you joy and refuge from whatever your troubles might be because even though as much as much as your writing hurts its comforting to know that there's people out there that think and feel in ways that I thought were just me. Thank you, I hope you have a day or night and be safe.

Also fuck Cameron.

thank you so much for this, i feel like nothing i say will be enough to convey how honored i am by comments like this. seriously, to hear that my work has a profound impact makes me incredibly happy, im so so so happy you like my writing :')

i will make a certified authorial guarantee that mark is making it out of here, no matter what. i would not abandon him to misery. it feels a thousand times heavier for him when hes home, but freedom is there waiting for him. his friends love him too much!!!!

also, thank you so much, im overjoyed to hear my prose is good. i geuinely think ive gotten much more skilled at writing by working on this fic. i purposefully try to pare down my prose to get rid of repetition and saying the obvious too loudly, so im definitely aiming for 'little fanfare' in my writing BUT ALSO im glad you like my metaphors :))))) im so happy to hear they feel natural and fit the rest of the prose.

again tysm for this ask, i owe u my life forever. please keep loving this fic as much as i love writing it <3333

[kyber-crystal]

safe with him || s.r

summary: following your reunion after weeks apart drifting through space, steve becomes an overprotective mother hen and refuses to let you out of his sight.  

words: ~1.3k

warnings: very slightly mentions of angst, soft cap, fluff. UNEDITED so it’s VERY poorly written i’m sorry

a/n: a part 2 to Lost In Space, as requested by anon! it’s been FOREVER since i first published that fic but i’m so glad you went back and read it! you can read this as a standalone too tho. POST IW---PRE-ENDGAME AU

After your touched down at the compound, Steve was refusing to leave your side. 

Whenever you moved about, he was never far behind—always staying within a foot of where you stood or sat. You wanted to protest, to reassure him you were just fine—but you understood his urge to go full-on overprotective worried mother hen mode. It was in his nature to worry. 

"Darling,” he spoke so softly it took everyone by surprise. It was a tone of voice the team rarely ever heard him use—it was a tone specifically reserved for you, and only you. 

“Hmm?” You pulled his jacket tightly around your shoulders, watching Tony from outside, worriedly peering through the glass walls. “What’s up?”

"C’mere,” he spread his arms out towards you. You didn’t hesitate to step forward, walking straight into his warm embrace. As soon as your head found its way against his heart you were at ease and your hands slid up his back in response, gently gripping the fabric of his T-shirt. 

You let out a sigh of contentment, closing your eyes as he rested his chin on your head and pressed a soft kiss to your temple—letting his lips linger there for a second longer than usual. It felt nice to be with him again. After weeks of complete separation and no contact whatsoever, you’d found yourself missing Steve so much your chest physically ached just thinking about him.

If time permitted, you would’ve stayed like that forever. You wanted nothing more, nothing less, than to have him hold you until the very end of your days—and he wanted to do the same, as well. 

Your heart felt hollowed and carved out; empty after the wake of the Snap, after the world was shocked into utter devastation. You lost your practically-siblings, Wanda and Peter, you lost your best pals, Sam, Bucky, you lost your mentor and father figure, Doctor Strange. You lost all your friends and family and you didn’t know what to do. You felt lost and alone; helpless.

You sought out comfort in the warmth of Steve’s embrace and his piercing gaze, stunning blue eyes that would never fail to keep you calm yet make your heart race at the same time. Blue eyes brimming with sheer love and adoration—for you. You don’t need to say anything for him to wrap you into a tight hug—he could read you like an open book—he knew you almost as well as you knew yourself, if not even better. “Doll, I even remember your exact order from that Thai place we always order takeout from,” he’d say, “Spicy shrimp pad thai, pineapple fried rice, and taro milk tea with 50% ice and 25% sweetness,” as well as other oddly specific facts nobody else would know unless you told them yourself or they peeked through your file, “You were born (Y/B/D) at exactly 12:01:36 a.m. You’re a Brooklyn kid, just like me,” “You love action films, crime dramas, and pulling all-nighters to watch the sunrise.”

Maybe that’s what made you let down your guard around him and trust him so easily. Maybe that’s why you felt so safe around him—there was little to nothing he didn't know about you—so there was no point in hiding.

“You’re tired,” he murmured into your hair. “When’s the last time you got any rest?”

When you didn’t answer because you were too worn out to do so, he observed your bloodshot eyes and dark circles, which told him all he needed to know. “Let’s get you sitting down again, doll. You’ve had a long day.”

You nodded numbly as he led you back to the lounge. He sat down on the plushy couch next to you, and you stretched out, resting your head in his lap. He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and gently raking his fingers through your soft hair. 

“Hey, Y/N-” Bruce paused and quickly lowered his voice when he saw you’d fallen asleep. He came and carefully draped a blanket over your body before taking a step back. “Are you sure she’s alright...”

“I don’t know,” Steve exhaled, brushing stray hairs away from your face. “If her fatigue alone is telling me anything, then...”

He nodded. “Alright...why don’t you take her back to her room, Cap, and I’ll go grab the IV drip.” 

“Rogers.”

“Hey, Nat...”

“I saw that little exchange outside." He wasn’t smirking at all, just had a small smile on. “Guess you finally worked up the courage to do it, huh.”

“Actually...she initiated it. But I think I would’ve done it sooner or later,” he smiled down at your sleeping form, “I missed her.”

“I know. I did too.” She placed a hand on his shoulder, “I’m glad she’s back. I’ve had enough of you moping around trying to get drunk, when you know for a fact you can’t.”

“Natasha...”

“I’m just messing with you,” she laughed. “I gotta go talk to Rhodes about something, so you keep taking care of your girl, alright?”

“Yeah.”

...

You woke up to find yourself in bed. An IV needle was inserted into the crook of your elbow, and a worried Steve Rogers was sitting in a chair he’d pulled up to your bedside, head in your lap as he gripped your hand tightly. 

“Hi. Steve. You awake?” 

“Hmmm?” He lifted his head up and blinked several times. “Y/N! You’re awake. That’s good.”

You yawned. “What time is it?”

“A little past 10 a.m. You hungry? I can fix something up for you, if you want. How’d you sleep? Bruce had to administer some treatments for you...you were hit pretty hard after living on nothing but packaged meals and granola bars for several weeks.”

“I don’t feel like passing out anymore,” you shrugged, “So that’s good. What about you? How much sleep did you get? Or did you stay here...the entire time...”

“A few hours, on and off.”

“And when you say few hours, you really mean...a few minutes here and there, don’t you,” you said in a slightly accusatory tone. “Steve, really? I’m not a child. I’m basically not much younger than you, I can get by on my own.”

"You had me really worried, Y/N. When I didn’t see you return...I thought I’d actually lost you. I don’t even want to think about how that’d affect me if it were to be true.”

“Awww,” you stuck your bottom lip out slightly, teasing him, “Does the big, muscular, giant puppy, Captain America, care about me?”

“I'm supposed to protect you, to watch over you,” he tried defending himself, but the flush of his cheeks gave it all away. “I’m just doing my job.”

“Okay, then...” You nodded, leaning back against the headboard, the aftereffects of all the meds beginning to catch up with you. “Man, I’m tired. Doesn’t matter if I sleep 14 minutes or 14 hours, I’m always going to feel like crap.”

“But I do care about you,” Steve corrected himself, “that’s true. I always have.”

His voice was so soothing, so calming—you wanted to swoon and fall asleep to it at the same time. You felt your stomach flutter with butterflies. 

“That’s nice,” you closed your eyes, smiling sleepily, “because I care about you too. Wouldn’t have spilled all my feelings in that voice recording if I didn’t. I was scared I’d never see you again, either...”

“A recording?” He raised a brow. “What’d it say?’

“That I love you and I always have and always will,” you breathed out, eyes still closed, “But I think I’ve made that fact obvious enough already.”

“Can I kiss you?” he spoke suddenly.

"You can kiss me any day, Captain,” you smiled as you leaned in. He closed the gap and connected your lips with his. You felt a pleasant stirring sensation in your chest—and so did he. 

And you finally felt like you were home again.

[ad1thi]

henlo adi tis i with a request for some stevetony fics,,, angsty if you have 'em 💓

okay so this rec list is mainly classic stevetony fics, but i assure you - there’s angsty ones in there (ive marked the angsty ones with a 😞 so you can identify them quicker) just a general note that a lot of authors are going to repeat, because there are some authors that (imo) are stevetony staples (so if you see an author more than once - thats a sign that ALL of their stevetony is good and ive cherry picked the ones i love the most) (ive also marked those authors with a 🌟) 

//

in the light of limerence:  @shell-heads

It's the final game of the season, their biggest one yet, and there's only one question on everybody's mind: who the hell is Captain Steve Rogers' boyfriend, and why does Cap keep dodging questions about him?

"You gotta admit it's suspicious that only Bucky and Sam have met your boyfriend, dude," Clint points out as he shoves Pietro away with a smirk, pulling the uniform over his head and tugging it down. "We've known you, what-two years? We've never seen the guy even once."

"And your phone mysteriously only has pictures of Tony Stark," Johnny Storm adds as he joins the conversation, knocking knees with Thor when he sits down on one of the benches. "Tony Stark, who has at least ten fansites and personally assured me he's had a boyfriend for the past five years."

"I can't believe Cap is actually out here acting like Tony Stark's boyfriend," Luke says with a smirk, resting against a wall without a care.

"I can't believe you guys still think this is a joke," Sam throws back while tossing his other dirty sock at Luke, who dodges it smoothly.

In little more than ten minutes, the biggest question of Shield University is answered with much aplomb by none other than Tony Stark himself.

almeno tu nell'universo: @silkspectred 😞 🌟 (funfact: this is the fic that got me into stevetony) 

Tony drives off.

Well, he wants to.

But he can’t.

Because.

Steve Rogers is in front of his car.

Steve fucking Rogers. Is in front of Tony’s fucking car.

Rookie and Jailbait Take On The World: @theapplepielifestyle 🌟

“You really should be in school, you know.”

“Why would I be there when I could be here, solving crimes with my favourite rookie?” Tony flashes a grin, and Steve’s stomach twists like it did on the first day.

Teenager, Steve’s mind supplies. Definitely not legal, stop doing fluttery things, stomach.

Thumb, Index and Pinky Extended: @/Eudoxia 😞

Tony Stark is twenty-one when he loses his voice. It shouldn't matter, but in a world where the first words your Soulmate says to you are marked on your skin, it can be pretty damn annoying.

I (created from fantasies) exist solely for you: @mizzy2k

Six years ago, without the Avengers Initiative there to save the day, scientist Dr. Eric Selvig sacrificed himself to save the world, the almighty demi-god Thor was lost to a terrible storm, and vigilante Iron Man – spotted with a nuclear weapon trying to take advantage of the situation – was forever labelled an enemy of SHIELD.

This is a comic book office AU, where Steve is defrosted a year too late, Thor has forgotten who he is, and no one knows Tony is Iron Man.

Also includes: office pranks, inappropriate post-it notes, and superheroes who like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

Celestial Navigation: @sabrecmc

Celestial Navigation: 18 year old Omega!Tony finds himself Bonded to Captain Steve Rogers. He isn't happy about it until he is.

By request, here is CN in one place without other stories and artwork.

Ironsides: @copperbadge 🌟

Antonia Carter Stark takes no shit and no prisoners.

Paved With Good Intentions (I’m On The Road To Hell): @itsallavengers 😞 🌟

When the mysterious group of vigilante assassins known only as 'The Avengers' are tipped off about the dirty secrets that lie within Stark Industries, Steve Rogers has his heart set on taking out Tony Stark for good in order to protect the rest of the world from his evil. He's seen the footage, after all- Stark is a man who fights only for himself. And of course, when a job arises as chief bodyguard for Stark, to protect him from the growing threat of an ominously infatuated stalker, the opportunity is way too good for him to miss out on. It's the perfect placement, and the perfect way to find out whether or not their tipoff is genuine.

But as Steve falls into rank as the new bodyguard for Mr. Stark and he spends time getting to know and protect him, his initial hatred begins to falter and merge into something different, something far more terrifying than the prospect of killing the face of Stark Industries.

Steve Rogers may just be falling in love with him instead.

The Problem With Communication: @itsallavengers

Steve is terrible at flirting, but when he finally picks up the courage to talk to the adorable barista who makes his drinks, he finds himself hitting a small snag:

That being, Tony is deaf. He doesn't know what Steve is saying.

But never say Steve Rogers does not rise to a challenge.

Killing Me Softly (With His Song): @itsallavengers

Steve is Tony's whole world. Tony couldn't imagine life without him. They've grown up together, after all.

Steve gets cancer.

Open Field In Front of Him: orphan account

Steve Rogers's football season is functionally over after a loss to Rutgers, but he finds a distraction in Tony Stark (yes, THAT Tony Stark). A college AU Stony fic.

Good For You: @orbingarrow 😞

Steve doesn't understand why Tony dates people who abuse him. Tony doesn't understand why Steve cares.

The rest is bad choices, good choices, rehab, milkshakes, paintball, YouTube videos, couples therapy and learning to put the past in the past. Or: How Tony finds his happy ending.

COMPLETE 5/27/16 Edited to add art as last chapter on 6/23/16

Wrapped Up In Clover: @festiveferret

It's been seven years since Steve and Tony split up, and Steve's sure he'll never see Tony again. He's finally managed to put their failed relationship behind him and move on, focusing on his friends and building his business. But then his best friends, Bucky and Clint, decide to get married, and their wedding week at a cabin resort in Vermont turns into a minefield of heartbreak for Steve.

little green soldiers: @/nasa 🌟

“Rhodey,” Tony says. “I’m not stupid. He’s shipping out in three months. I’m not going to fall in love with him.”

Tony is a student at MIT; Steve is a soldier. They meet at a house party six months before Steve is set to deploy. This is their story.

flesh and bone: @/nasa 😞

“You or Rogers?” they ask, brandishing a knife or a gun or a flame.

“Me,” Tony says, over and over again. “Me, me, me,” always me.

Buried: @not-close-to-straight

When Howard Stark demands Tony work at a dig site in S.America one summer to "build character" and "learn about life", Tony is furious. But then he meets soldier/archeologist Steve and falls in love with blue eyes and a perfect smile. 

Just as they are ready to move forward together, Steve leaves abruptly with no explanation and breaks Tonys heart. Ten years later, Tony stumbles across the file for the old dig site. He's determined to visit and shut it down, but discovers that instead of a village, the dig has uncovered a temple and actually needs MORE money to stay open. A security team is hired to protect the staff and the artefacts they find, and Tony comes face to face with Steve Rogers all over again– except Steve is bearded and BIGGER and way more dangerous than he used to be...And Tony likes it.

When the camp is attacked, Steve jumps into action, snatching Tony and running into the jungle to escape and work their way towards safety. But long days and nights together bring back old feelings, and one day Steve takes a risk and asks Tony to give them another chance. Will Tony say yes? Or is his heart buried too far for the soldier-turned- archaeologist-turned-mercenary to find it?

don’t know why it took me so long to see: @3799steps 

“Oh, watch this,” Natasha says, propping her chin against her knuckles and turning a sweet gaze on him. “Tony, what’s it like dating a superhero?”

Tony bristles in irritation. “We’re not dating,” he snaps. “Captain America probably thinks he can get into anyone’s pants just ‘cause he’s got a mask, costume, and reputation, but not me, buddy. That shield? Gotta be overcompensating for something.” He adds, a bit petulantly, “Oh, and all that blue? Definitely more Steve’s color than his.”

- In which Tony is a genius in all matters except recognising his boyfriend past a mask

Heartlines: @nanasekei 🌟

“Let me,” Tony repeats. He regrets it deeply, so much, he wants to stick the words back into his mouth again, and it must show, in the way his voice wavers. He feels exposed, all of a sudden, as if he’s asking something bigger than what he can actually say. Let me touch you, let me take care of you. “Just… Let me do it.“

Feel Whole Again: @thepartyresponsible

Steve turns to leave. It’s easier to talk, somehow, when he’s not looking at him. “If you need anything,” he says, “I’m just a few floors down.”

“Might regret that, Cap,” Tony says to his retreating back. “I’ve been told I’m needy.”

Steve doesn’t know who the hell said that to Tony. It’s probably for the best that he doesn’t.

“It’s an honor,” he says, a little helpless, out of his depth and out of his time. “It’s an honor to be trusted with something like that, Tony.”

Attack Dog: @/salytierra

Steve doesn't swim in self-delusion. He knows that he is sick and that his owner is even worse. He is aware of it every time he rips some nameless guy’s throat out and feels the crunch of bones under his fingers. He is aware of it every time the rush of adrenaline at seeing life slip away from a stranger’s eyes hits him and gets him bothered and panting in ways that have nothing to do with physical exhaustion.

But it feels so good…

His owner’s approach is less personal. His shots fall clean and take out several foes at a time, his figure elegant and so graceful he looks like a god among savages. He is power incarnated, cold and burning like a sun at the same time… and Steve tries not to focus on him when they are fighting together, least his knees go weak and his technique falters. It’s fine though. They will go home afterwards and his owner will fuck him on the hard floor, with most of their gear still on and a vicious grip in his hair.

[silverandarsenic-hcs]

Could you please please please! Do Papas/cardiac and ghouls reacting to S/O being nervous to do anything because their trans, or coming out to them? (FTM and MTF)

First post in a long time and it’s not even my work! This is something @solofreakk answered for us FOREVER ago that I never even go around to pressing the 8 buttons to post it. How absolutely lazy can I be. But please enjoy (-kat) 

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*cracks my knuckles* alright Oingos and Boingos and Those Who Are Neither i’m gonna do my best at this as a trans/nonbinary guy but i definitely don’t speak for everyone’s experiences, so… if you don’t like this i apologize. I want everyone to be supportive of you so if they sound repetitive I’m sorry! And I apologize in advance for not including MTF :( I just feel like trans women and men can have some similar experiences but in the end I don’t think it’s my place to write for them. If there are any trans women out there writing stuff for Ghost i would say Please Shamelessly Shout Yourselves Out In The Replies Ladies.

Papa I: He’s a bit too old for most activities that would reveal you being trans imo. A pride parade is too crazy for him, he doesn’t have the energy to go to the pool or something. If you did he’d just lay there in the sun with a ghoul waiting to open an umbrella when he’s about to start getting too crisp. So if you didn’t go swimming, or take your shirt off, it literally would not raise any questions. He’s not in the water. He might make an offhand comment about how you should enjoy yourself but you could very easily tell him you’d prefer to be sitting with him, and you melting his old man heart like that kills any other question he might’ve even had. If you do end up explaining it to him later, he kindly reminds you there’s nothing wrong with knowing who you are. Encourages you to feel comfortable around him, you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide who you are because of your past. No further questions asked. You can say what you’d like about yourself but he won’t press or get in your business.

Papa II: This man is totally comfortable with nudity. You being opposite is… weird. He’ll ask. Are you insecure? You can say it’s something like that. He’ll be able to tell that you’re kind of dodging the question and he’ll leave it alone. But you’ve piqued his curiosity now. He’s gonna watch you just a little bit closer than he did before. He’ll suggest you guys take a swim, or go to the beach, and when you shoot that down too, he’ll ask. “Is there a reason why?” You can try to make excuses, or be vague, or say a half-truth, but those mismatched eyes see right through you. He probably already knows. When you ask him if he does, he’ll just wrap you in a nice strong Papa II Rare Tender Hug™. “It’s nothing to be ashamed about, you know. It’s okay to decide you’re not what everyone said you were. It’s part of becoming your own person.” Would probably be more bold in asking what your future plans are for yourself. Later on quietly reminds you not to bind for too long, or helps you with shots, or is making sure you’re laid up in luxury if you get top surgery. Supports you even if you’re gnc and don’t bind or don’t plan to transition and would impart his death glare upon anyone who dared to misgender you or treat you poorly.

Papa III: Hope no one shoots me down for saying “Papa III trans man” but *eyes emoji*. He’s gonna recognize your behavior immediately. You sweat at the idea of going to the pool or the beach, you don’t wanna change in front of him, you get nervous if someone calls you pretty instead of handsome. He’ll see you very very discreetly tugging at your binder, or taking deep breaths. And he just knows. And he’s elated. He’s like “OH I AM GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL SO HANDSOME.” Immediately deploys plan “Compliment Anon ‘Til He Dies”. He’s telling you that your hair looks great today, your laugh is so masculine, I love the way your arms look, That shirt is so handsome on you, I’m lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life. Anything it takes to have you know how great you are. If you’re busy melting over the compliments, you might not immediately realize he’s caught on. You’ll probably think he’s just doing his regular Papa III schmoozing. Eventually, it clicks in your head. He’s lauding on you ‘cause he knows. So because he seems so cool with it, you finally work up the nerve to tell him. And he smiles at you and he’s taking his shirt off and whoa whoa WHOA HEY IT’S WORK HOURS MAN- oh. Oh. I see. That’s why. He buttons his shirt back up and pats you on the head and asks if you wanna get top surgery too, and if you say yes he’s literally writing you a check on the spot. He wants you to feel as comfortable in your body as he does in his and if you have any dysphoria woes he is all ears. He’s seriously like ride or die for you bro.

Cardinal Copia/Papa IV: He thinks your nervous behavior is totally normal, only because he is also nervous all the time. So he doesn’t even read into it. He’s totally clueless. You don’t wanna go swimming? Okay, yeah, actually he doesn’t really want to do it either. He’s pale, he’d just get burnt. Let’s stay inside all day in our pajamas. You don’t wanna put your pajamas on in front of him? That is also ok, hell let’s change in different rooms. You don’t even have to explain yourself, he just Gets It™. Eventually if you start wondering why he hasn’t asked about your odd behavior, you’ll just ask him. “Did you notice that I’m kinda… weird, about some stuff?” He’ll say he’s weird about stuff too, why should he pry into your personal business? So you press on and tell him you’re trans. You don’t want anyone else to know, for a myriad of reasons. You might start rambling about it, complaining about stuff, talking about what you want. And he’ll just… listen. Nod sometimes to let you know he’s hearing you, and you can keep going if you want. Finally you’ll end it with an exasperated and maybe slightly embarrassed sigh, but before you can apologize he’s pulling you into a hug. You are free to talk about it as much as you want, especially if you don’t tell anyone else. You’ve got all this stuff weighing on your mind and no one to vent it to, and he’s flattered you finally felt comfortable enough to let him know something so personal. 

Dewdrop: Dare I say it… I headcanon Dewdrop as trans too… He’s much more like me though, feisty and kinda gnc. Like III, he’s gonna catch onto your behavior immediately. He’s not gonna make any moves to let you know that he knows, though. Just quietly be in your corner. Well, as quiet as Dew gets. He’s gonna… violently be in your corner. If he finds out someone misgendered you or committed some related act he considers a heinous crime, they’re losing some teeth. He’ll take a chunk out of them if someone isn’t there to rein him in. Eventually when you confide in him that you’re trans, he’s telling you that’s cool. You ask him why he’s so chill about it and he’s just smirking at you. “What…?” You ask. “Seriously, what? Why- ooohhh…” You’re free to not bind around him because most of the time, he doesn’t. He’s not gonna judge you for anything. Whether you wanna be traditionally masculine or be lax about gender norms, he’s gonna tell you you’re cool as Hell no matter what. Admires your courage in coming out to him and will take your secret to the grave.

Aether: First may I start this off by saying I may or may not have asked Aether, like irl, if he said “trans rights”. To which Aether kindly and genuinely said, “Does [Aether] say “trans rights”? Of course trans rights!” So there you have it Fosters and Peoples. Mr. Quintessential Ghoul himself did indeed say trans rights and I’ve never been happier to have asked someone that. I digress… He’s not gonna focus too much on odd behavior or nerves. It’s not because he’s got his head in the clouds, it’s just because this is a Judgement Free Zone™. If and/or when you come out to him, expect him to say, “Hell yeah, you do what’s right for you!” He’s got your back. If you want help with something, say an outfit or you need a new binder, he’s gonna help you figure it out. If you ask him not to tell anyone else, his lips are sealed. 

Mountain: He is so used to being taller than everyone else so if you’re a short king (like me 5’3 man gang rise up [but not too high]) that does not make him ask any questions. He’s also out of your business when it comes to how you dress, or messing with your shirt, or not wanting to do certain activities, etc. He just… it’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s that he’s chill about everything. So chill in fact that eventually one day you just casually mention it. And he’s like, “Neat, you have lore.” Which is hilarious. He’s probably likely to ask if you’re making sure not to wear your binder for too long. He wants you to take good care of yourself, y’know, you’re really cool and you should treat your body kindly. He’ll ask if anyone else knows and if you tell him you’d rather they not find out immediately, he’s already giving you a thumbs up and making sure any question directed at your gender is immediately shot down.

Swiss: Swiss is too focused on having a good time and being good to everyone who deserves kindness to worry about why or why not you don’t want to go to the pool with them. You’ve got your reasons and that’s enough, although he’ll sorely miss you because he could use the extra help in fending Dew off in the water gun fight that most definitely will end in bloodshed if Aether doesn’t step in. Eventually he’ll convince you to maybe go, but not before you cave and tell him you can’t be seen with your shirt off. He’s smart enough to know what that means. No worries! And you know what? In solidarity he just won’t take his off, either. Will support you regardless of how you choose to present yourself and will sometimes casually gift you a new shirt or something, “because I think you’d look really handsome in it.”

Rain: Tender boy. He literally would not pry or push you to tell him anything you didn’t seem like you wanted to say. If you come out to him, that’s completely on your terms. I think he might eventually have a feeling, but he’s not going to make assumptions about you and will let you tell him when you’re ready, and even if you never do, that’s ok too. When you do tell him, he’s completely supportive and won’t make you feel any less of a man about yourself. Is a bit sad to know that you may struggle with dysphoria and he wants you to know that you’re a wonderful person, inside and out, even if you don’t always see it.

Cirrus: She notices your odd behavior, but she’s polite and chooses not to say anything about it. She doesn’t want to make you feel like she’s judging you or scare you or make you uncomfortable. She probably doesn’t flat out make assumptions about you, but she does think about it occasionally. Eventually when you come out to her, she completely understands. Sings her praises about how nice it is that you trust her enough to tell her something so personal about yourself, and says she’s thankful to have such a great person in her life. Also she’s always been your protective mom friend, but if you need anyone to get punched for saying anything transphobic, just let her know. Mama bear has got you. Mama bear has got claws. Hell, Cumulus will even help beat someone up. She doesn’t even need to know the reason. If Cirrus is verbally or physically abusing someone that’s good enough reason for her. You now have two powerful and protective mom friends, use this power for good.

Cumulus: She’s not gonna notice if you’re acting nervous or weird about anything. She’s focused on hanging out with you and having a good time and making sure you’re having a good time and that fun things are happening. If you go to the beach and don’t take your shirt off, not weird. Neither of you are even in the water, you’re probably making an impressive sand castle on top of a sleeping Mountain. If you’re at the pool, she’s okay with sitting on the side talking your ear off about anything under the sun (which currently includes all the other ghouls as it was a family trip to the pool). She wouldn’t notice if you tugged at your binder or had a higher voice or anything someone might think would be conspicuous. If and/or when you eventually come out to her, she’s like “Ooohhh, okay!” And honestly? She might forget. And then remember. And then forget again, and remember again. It’s just another thing about you, like your hair colour or what music you like. Doesn’t make you any less wonderful to her, and wouldn’t change anything about your relationship.

- @solofreakk

[la5t-res0rt]

i was just sent a post from the blog who must not be named it was a post reblogged from someone who ive added to my list of really bad people but one of the things that struck me was a tag i saw in the post

antis seek therapy

we do

we do seek therapy often to combat the trauma some of us have endured through being groomed and being abused we spend time on ourselves to heal we find ways to cope and enjoy life again after it feels like parts of ourselves have been ripped from us and broken and tainted and violated

we work to be comfortable again we work to feel like ourselves again we find things we love again we allow ourselves to enjoy media again

we are taught to stand up for our own levels of comfort and to take control of the space around us we are taught mechanisms to move forward and we are encouraged to help others and support others at least thats what my therapist of multiple decades told me

we all seek shelter in our own ways and many people seek it in media its literally what so many beetlebabes shippers claim to be doing like they’re quote reclaiming some lost childhood thing unquote and yeah i think youre going about it in a terrible way that continues the cycle of pedophila and is normalizing it but thats not even what this is about right now this is about the blatant disrespect and inability to open your eyes to someone elses experience and story

so many antis are so uncomfortable with the content created by beetlebabe shippers myself included since its so similar to the material used to character veil up abuse me character veil down

we try to curate our spaces for that we say beetlebabes dni dont reblog dont put yourself in this space im making for myself but then people come in and call it gatekeeping and try to illustrate how someone is a bad person for not wanting exposure so pedophilic content like its absolutely baffling to me that people can state such a clear and simple rule and then people will whine and moan about it as if its oppression newsflash its not fucking oppression you whining slime mold being asked to not interact on the ground of pedophilia isnt fucking oppression read a book go outside and learn something anyway

people are entitled to have control over the space in which they occupy people have the control to remove people from their spaces its like ok weird metaphor but this whole ordeal with wearing masks in public spaces yes you may have the right to refuse to wear a mask and you have the right technically to harass service industry workers but the businesses that employ these workers also have the full right to not allow you in and to even remove you from the property free speech also comes with consequences this is such a simple principle like talk shit get hit metaphorically is basically the same principle

coming into someones space after they specified that that your content is something that makes them uncomfortable makes you a major asshole and also makes me think youre dumb and maybe cant read

all of that is bad enough

but to continuously berate someone and belittle their very real trauma all in the sake of you wanting to ship and post pedophilia is simply abhorrent it is truly vile behavior to come back multiple times is truly a disdainful act in my eyes and im sure im not the first person to feel this way

if youre close to people in the field of psychiatric medicine you should know better than to belittle someones trauma and as a csa survivor yourself you should have the compassion to respect someones boundaries

have you discussed this behavior with this psychiatrist husband of yours not the pedophilic stuff but this blatant disrespect and dismissal of someone elses trauma and the growth theyve achieved thanks to their therapy and counseling have you addressed this narcissistic holier than thou approach you have to discussing such serious issues with people because thats something that should be addressed along with your acceptance and tolerance and even romanticization of pedophilia in media

this is harassment and gaslighting in action folks nether receipts I hope youre taking notes because you clearly dont know what either term means and the fact that youve gone out of your way to promote this abusive behavior is yet another reason why people dislike you i can’t tag you because youve finally taken the hint and blocked me so I see no point but you know who you are also people don’t hate you because youre a woman they hate you because youre a pedophile anyway this isnt about you

back to the person im actually addressing

trauma is not an experience that is easy to read and apply to every person you yourself sourced years of trying to deal with what you went through who are you to dictate how long someone can feel pain for what theyve gone through who are you exactly to say whether or not if has been too long of a time for someones trauma to effect them you of all people should know that this shit doesnt go away it lingers and it grips you forever it doesnt matter if you’ve been apart from it for ten days or ten years

in one sentence you belittled a person for still being effected by their trauma and then in the next stated that the battle is life long which is it which statement do you actually beleive because it seems to me you only seem to care about your own horrible self without taking this other person into account at all because their response to their trauma was to break the cycle and work to make his space safer for himself and i beleive that takes more courage and more strength to actively oppose what hurt you rather than let it become how you cope and it becomes something you reintroduce into the cycle by keeping the its all okay attitude alive

i do not usually do direct posts its not exactly my style but i am so disgusted by what i have seen and what has been shared with me that it would be a disservice to not alert as many people as i can about your behavior

for a closing statement i will quote you

quote i hope you find your way to it instead of wasting all of your time being afraid of pictures and words on a screen, and picking fights with people who harm nobody unquote

what the fuck so you think youre doing by coming back over and over to belittle trauma denounce treatment and all around be unpleasant and high and mighty thats fucking harming people you narcissistic fool

im sorry you were hurt that fucking sucks but that doesnt give your the right for one fucking second to come into someones space where it was specified that you were not allowed and proceed to harass them and belittle them like you have done

@soeur-tiame you should be ashamed of yourself

dont bother responding as ive shown before with that transmed guy i dont like to waste any more of my time on filth than i need to

[bellasharifuddin]

The Day I Became a Mother

It’s been a while since I last post anything here, typing feels awkward as well. But this has always been a thing that I wanted to do since the day I’ve given birth, to document and blog about my pregnancy and my birth journey, so in 4-5 years to come when my memories fade, I can always come back to reminisce every detail that I keep here, like a memory capsule. 

The Day I Found Out I Was Pregnant. 

You know, when people say that when you have a strong intuition about something, trust your gut feeling, because it’s often true. Mirin and I have always talked about having kids, me wanting a baby so much within months after we got married, however, Mirin having second thoughts about it. We were both married for less than a year, sleeping on a toto without a mattress or a bed, living in the deep slum of Wangsa Maju area where the rats are larger than the cats. Hahaha. Naturally, given our circumstances, he’d want to take things slow. 

Fast forward to a couple of months, we went out for some steaks and karaoke on a weekend night. I told mirin to stop by Watsons, for me to buy a pregnancy test kit. Mirin didn’t question much, because occasionally I would randomly buy one, just for fun. But this time, I didnt just get one. I ended up buying three. Why? Because somehow, I had a strong feeling this time. I just felt... weird. It was a feeling that I can’t put it into words. 

We came home at midnight, I went to the bathroom too “pee on the stick”. Then I saw the first line... a few seconds later comes the second one. Oh my god. Okay. I knew Mirin was standing outside the toilet door, waiting. Eventually, I had to break the news to him. When I showed to Mirin, we both ended up hugging and crying. Was I happy? Was I in shock? Was I sad? Yes, a little bit of everything. Its funny that all you’ve wanted was a baby, then when it actually happens, suddenly you’re freaked out. Happy that its a blessing. Sad that it hits you without a warning. 

                                                      Pregnant!

When the morning sickness finally kicked in, I knew we couldn’t live in the current house. Its not the best place to raise a child. And the next-door neighbor was having major renovation that was super loud and noisy. After sleepless nights and searching for a new place, we eventually moved out. Bought our first bed, bought our first dining table, bought our first gas stove. A many of firsts. Soon we finally bought a baby cot from Ikea. We bought it too early. Although it was too early to put it up, but Mirin assembled it anyways. I could tell that he was excited. It was such a fun and exciting moment, for the both of us.

But those were the fun part. Like most pregnancies, the not so fun part about being pregnant was me being diagnosed with Pregnancy Hypertension during my 36th week of pregnancy. My blood pressure spiked up to 140/100 on two consecutive readings, and the next thing I know, that I’m sitting in an ambulance, on my way to Hospital Kuala Lumpur’s emergency building. 

                     At Hospital Kuala Lumpur. Waiting for an available bed

                  Mirin bought me the entire family mart food available xD

I spent 3 nights in their maternity wards, finally discharged after the doctor told me that I was clear to go. While I was in the hospital, it pains me to see new mothers struggling during the COVID19 pandemic. Throughout your stay, no visitations were allowed from anyone including your husband. If your baby cries or if you’re in pain, you’d have figure it out yourself. I remember praying to god while crying that I do not want to be induced there. The ward was stuffy and hot. There were too many people crammed in a room. It was hell. 

The Day That I Give Birth

One week after my discharge, we both went for my monthly checkup with my OBGYN at Pantai. Again, my doctor advised me to be induced tomorrow, since my blood pressure spiked again, and I was almost full term (38 weeks) so it was okay to go. She told me that “It’s best to get the baby out or else you boleh kena sawan” OMG Okay okay. So we packed our bags, ate sushi for dinner, slept soundly for the very last time, and headed to the hospital again at 9 am the next morning. 

                         Induction day. We definitely overpacked haha

       Arrived at the hospital lobby, did a mandatory swab test before entering

Appointment card. Booked and paid for the accommodations prior to checking in

I was told to change into my labor robe (I’m not too sure what it’s called), and waited. When my doctor finally arrived, she then began to insert some sort of a plastic strip deeeeeep into my cervix. Ouch, that hurts. Okay, so that’s how induction works eh? Then I was given antibiotics into my IV drip too, since I was GBS (Group-B Strep) Positive as well. 

                                Toilet selfie! Calm before the storm

After an hour, I felt the contraction. Initially it was uncomfortable, then it hurts like hell. The contractions felt like period pain but like a million times worse. Occasionally, Doctor Haslinda would come and check on my “bukaan”. Hours passed. 1cm... 2cm... 3cm.... when I finally said:

“Omg sakit sangat dah tak tahan, I want an epidural!“

Ok no, that was a lie. I initially didn’t want to take an epidural. I wanted to try and bear with the pain, but Mirin convinced me to take it, so after tossing and turning like a dying fish I finally said okay. 

The anesthesiologist came after what felt like an eternity, and asked me to sign a consent form. I’m not really sure what was written in that. Siapa je ada masa nak baca terms and conditions panjang panjang bila tengah contractions??? 

He told me to sit on the edge of the bed, while hugging a pillow. I remembered him injecting some numbing spray, then I felt the BIG NEEDLE poking through my spine. Then.. that was it. It was so fast. The entire process took only 5 mins. Was it painful as I thought it would be? No. Was it still scary tho? Yep hahaha.

Soon after, Dr Haslinda pecahkan air ketuban when I was 4cm dilated. It didnt hurt because I was on epidural, but I felt so much warm liquid flowing out non-stop. So bizarre. 

Once you’re on epidural, you’re basically bed-ridden. No bathroom trips anymore, my legs feel like jelly. Sometimes the nurse will come to empty my bladder with a catheter. When the epidural kicked in, I could finally sleep. I slept like a baby. I slept for hours. Painless. No more feeling like a dying fish. And so I thought.............

3am. I woke up with INTENSE CONTRACTION PAIN. Why is it so painful? I thought I’m on epidural? I called the nurse straight away. Turned out the epidural drug ran out. It was sooo stressful because the nurse that was on duty that night didn’t know how to topap balik the epidural drug into the machine. She called her colleague, then the colleague also tak tahu. Then both of them spent like forever to troubleshoot how to use the machine, sampai lastly kena call doctor tanya. YA ALLAH, rasa macam nak maki je. 

7am the next day. Bukaan baru 7-8cm. Doctor decided to use another form of induction to speed up the process. It’s called pitocin, and injected through my IV drip. Within MINUTES, I could feel very intense and painful contractions, that the epidural can’t even help. So throughout the remaining 7cm to 10cm, I felt every inch of real labor pain. I clenched Mirin’s hand. So tightly that I think it got bruised. A minute felt like an hour, and an hour felt like years. It was soo bad that my memory was so fuzzy. 

Finally, it was 10cm. Time to go. They put both of my legs up, macam gambar bawah ni haha: 

                                      Picture courtesy from Google

There were two nurses, one small cute Malay nurse, one pregnant Indian nurse, and my OBGYN, Dr Haslinda. I love them all, they were so supportive and nice to me throughout my labor process. My doctor taught me how to push correctly:

“Take a deeeeeeep breath then tahan, clench your fists, chin down and teran macam nak berak sekuat-kuat hati“

I was so determined to get the baby out. I just wanted the contraction pain to end. I did everything they told me to do. I hold on to Mirin’s hand, and PUSHHHHHHHEDDDDDD! I could hear Mirin saying “You’re doing great sayang!” After several pushes, and some sips of water breaks, the baby’s head is almost out. The head was the hardest to push. Besar! I literally felt like my down there was stretching to its limit. Once the head is out, I did another small push, and the rest of the baby’s body macam keluar instantly macam super slimy like that haha. 

Finally the baby is out! 8.26AM! The contractions stopped immediately. I instantly feel like I wasn’t pregnant anymore. The doctor then injected something on my thigh, then my uri just popped right out haha. My body felt so tired, but so so light. Lega, yay no longer pregnant haha. I ended up having second degree perineal tear without an episiotomy, and was stitched. I felt the benang, ngilu. I felt the needle pierced through my muscles too. But it didnt hurt so it wasn’t too bad. 

The baby gets cleaned up. Then soon all of the nurses left the labor room, it was just me, Mirin and our baby. Mirin picked her up, and azankan. Mirin started crying, I cried too. It was magical :’)

We did skin to skin and tried breastfeeding for the first time. As I look at her, hair was so thick. Her cute little fingers. Her beautiful face. She’s perfect. 

                            I slept for 5 hours straight after the labor

Thinking back, I have no idea how I managed to muster such courage to go through all these. Mirin even told me that during the active labor stage, when I was pushing, at one point I pushed so hard that my entire face turned blue. Talk about adrenaline.

Do I want to have another baby? Well, lets keep a rain check on that question for another few more years to come xD

[katedoesntexist]

Stay-at-home journal 2/6/21

Yesterday:

Work, super demoralizing, everything bad

Put together bookshelf

Made omurice bc we're running low on food

Put books away and drank cherry ginger beer

Finished another fic chapter

Played a little guitar

Today:

Clean up kitchen

Kind of just want to chill during the day

Maybe play some zootr

Prob should do some work at night

Start fic epilogue

Free space:

The bookshelf is disappointingly kind of low quality. I knew it would be bc it came from one of the chinese companies that steals photos of the original item and sells you a knock off. But i chanced it bc i guess shelves are just crazy expensive (this "cheap" one was $80), and at least i can return it to the store. The part im most worried about is that the piece of the shelf taking the weight of all the books is only attached by glue and small nails. It could easily just fall apart w enough weight. But i put my books on it anyway and hopefully itll be alright. I like the shape and depth of the shelf bc it fits my small reading room (closet) and also holds a good amount of stuff. I guess if it comes apart we can mod it to fix it. I just ugh didnt want to spend over $100 on this. Maybe i wouldve been better making it myself from scratch.

Speaking of, I've been toying w the idea of buying a jigsaw. Of course the blades would have to be project specific, but might be fun.

Writing is going surprisingly well. Im having fun. Its not a slog. I mean, it is an energy and time drain, but i feel good abt it. The direction these chapters went rly veered away from the outline, but i like that it falls into place better. It makes me feel like theres an alternate reality out there where the outline events did take place. Anyway, i actually cant wait to post and see ppls reactions. I haven't felt this hopeful abt sharing a fan work in like half a yr.

So we finally broke down and looked up one thing in the spoiler log, and it unblocked the game in a way that i could just skip two major dungeons and go to the boss right now. Its kind of idk disappointing? Like, the item weve been trying to get this whole time to unlock a bunch more content is finally in our hands, but we realized we didn't actually need all that other content. Not sure if we should play it just for 100% completion, but big sigh. We're at the end. And i have a rly hard time ending things. Ive spoken abt this before, but its like if i dont finish it will guarantee the characters and events are in a stasis. And they will always be there right where i left them. Forever gearing up to fight the boss, optimism and courage in their heart. I get this way with games and books. I dont want the adventure to end, and its more comforting to me to think that everyone is still out there doing their thing. Stories ending are like death. Not in a bad way bc death is natural and normal. But its still comes w loss.

Had some weird dreams. One was a row of bamboo lockers and some teachers had gone in them unbeknownst to each other, but the one on the end trapped you if you went in bc idk it was supposed to catch a criminal. Another part i was camping and saw a chimpanzee in the trees. I walked out to a railing (i was on some kind of decking) and watched him. He pointed and told me there were wolves in the area, and i was like oh shit thanks. I got in the cab of the truck and closed both doors just in time to avoid the wolves. I rolled down the window and a large bird outside told me there were dead animals on the roof of the truck that attracted the wolves, and I wouldn't be able to leave. There werent keys. I had to warn my dad who had gone out hunting for the day, but he hadnt brought his cell phone bc there wouldn't be reception in the woods.

[frccdomfell]

So, this is only a little over 1600 words... I have a lot of people to thank.  I’ve had Stevie boy here for five months, but I’ve been around Tumblr rp for a long time and thought I’d take this opportunity to thank those of you that have been such lights this year. This year has been extremely hard for me for a number of reasons I won’t get into in this happy post! So, this is for those who were there for me this year:

My Main Peeps:

@liftingxrocks : firstly, i have to thank my incredible fiance. you were here every step of the way this year and it has made all the difference. i couldn’t have gotten through it without you and i’m so goddamn lucky i get to call you mine. proposing to you was easily the best thing i’ve ever done and when you said yes was the single best moment of my life. we met through rp and I love every character you try your hand at. thanks for being such a light in my life, babygirl. i love you.

@bytheanchor : b! you total fucking nerd. god, you’re the best! i’m so glad to call you my friend and you’re definitely one of my best online friends. you never fail to be positive and brighten my day. you’re so kind and encouraging. we talk practically every day. those two weeks you went away were SO BORING! i love all your characters so much, you know that. writing with you is easily one of my favourite past times. you are always just as excited and willing to write stuff as i am and i love it. thank you for being such an amazing friend.

@spitefulandspectacular : i mean you never check your tumblr notifications, but i don’t care. you were so important this year so you get a spot on the list. man, you were such a great roommate. we each had our things, but honestly i’m so happy my first real roommate was such a quality person. i miss ya like hell and can’t wait to see you real soon hopefully. thanks for being such a great friend and taking care of our boy. you’re a gem.

@mangohub : monroe, what can i even say? you’re such an incredible friend and i’m so thankful for you. anytime i’m dealing with anything you’re right there for me, ready to listen. i don’t think i’ve met a better writer in my entire life, no joke. i love your alec more than life itself and writing with you is always such a fulfilling experience. even jut plotting with you is so much goddamn fun. you’re such a bright and loving person. thanks for being one of the good things about my 2019.

@warricrsbcw : my mollee. hey hun. i just want to thank you for being such a stand up friend since we reconnected. you’ve been there for me every single time i’ve needed it and i hope i’ve been able to do the same. you’re such a sweet person and you deserve all the nice things. not to mention that i love your alec to hell and back! magnus would go to the ends of the earth for that boy.

@lcdgerbled : hayley, you are so awesome! I’m so lucky that when i left my magnus blog i was able to take you with me in a way. you’re such an insanely talented writer and an even better friend. you’ve been so great and always there if i need anyone to talk to about my ED. your natasha is perfect! steve adores her with his entire heart and wants to buy a place in a new york and have ten kids with her lol. thanks so much for making this year a little more bearable.

New Friends:

@divabarnes : so, you were actually the reason i remade my steve into a blog. he was just available on discord but you reignited my love for him. your bucky sparked my steve back to life and i can’t thank you enough. i love him so much. your writing is so in character and makes my jaw drop every time. i love writing with you (even though im slow and trash). thanks for everything you didn’t even know you did.

@ivorysatin : i know we haven’t known each other a super long time but i absolutely adore you! you’ve been so kind and friendly and you’re writing is PHENOMENAL! your magnus, anna and blair! i’m so in love with all your threads and verses. every time i see your blair i’m so tempted to remake my charles so you need to STOP! but, seriously, you’re such a friendly bean, thanks!

@semiistable : hello friend! so i know we literally just met like four days ago, but in that time i have totally fallen in love with your writing and you so freaking nice and chill. my steve is head over heels for your bucky, and writing with you never fails to make me smile. i hope we continue to be friends for a long time.

@mischieftomake : bonjour jas! so i’ve been dying to write a loki/steve pairing for so long but could never find anyone that clicked with my steve. and, i’m so lucky that the one who did also has such a phenomenal mun! you’re so much fun to plot with and to play around with what we want to do. i’m loving our soulmate verses so much! i hope we continue to become close in the new year!

@tcnystcrrk : thank you thank you thank you! i’m so happy we met and i feel so lucky to get to write with you. my steve just gravitates to your tony. you’re actually the only tony i’m properly active with. i just love plotting and writing with you. you’ve been so kind and excited and it’s made me so happy. i hope to write loads with you both ic and ooc in the new year. stay frosty.

@heyqxeens : beep boop. we don’t write a lot, and that’s mostly because i’ve been hella busy and whatnot. but, i love your peter. even without writing with you i’ve been heavily enjoying reading your other threads. honestly just the fact that you're on my dash makes a huge difference in my tumblr experience. also, we still need to do that thread where they both work at the bugle lol. hope your new year is full of fun.

@hcpefell : nyxie. again, i’ve been bad at keeping up bc life is super hectic right now but thank you so much for being part of the harder part of this year. the second half really took a lot out of me and meeting and writing with you really helped! i love how you write gwen and steve adores her. thank you so much!

Honorable Mentions: (a.k.a. those i stalk)

@stolenparticles : so hi! i’ve been following you since even before i had steve i believe. even when i never thought we’d write together (bc of the vastly different fandoms) i still needed to follow you. cassie is such an interesting and complex character and i love to see someone taking her and just running with it. i love to read all your threads on the dash, it’s always such a good time.

@stormweathered : we’ve chatted here and there, but i low key am IN LOVE with your characterization. your thor is so beautiful and on point! i read all of your answered memes when they show up because your writing is just so impressive. one day i’ll stop being a potato and actually get to work on saying a proper hello.

@kendolled : SOOOOO... i lowkey stalk your blog daily! you’re right up there with @ivorysatin making me want to remake charles. every single time i read your replies alli can see is mr. archibald. i swear, you encompass him so well. ive been rewatching gossip girl for the past seven months or so (bc im slow and easily distracted) and trust me when i say your nate is spot on! i read literally almost everything you post because it’s so perfect!

@spidaeyaunt : so i lowkey adore you. all the love and devotion you put into may is inspiring. i love reading your headcanons and i adore your threads with tonys and peters. but i think the big reason i follow you is your personality. i love seeing your ooc posts on the dash and your tags always make me laugh! keep it up, you cool cat.

@exposestruth & @smallvxlle : i grouped you together because i found you through each other. smallville was such a huge and important part of me growing up. it will forever be one of my top three shows. having both of you bring these characters to life has meant everything. makes me totally miss my ollie every time i read your individual threads. plus all the smallville gifsets on my dash make me SO HAPPY! 

@moqul : omg! your cat is FLAWLESS! i love reading your headcanons and your tags are always so freaking hilarious! i laugh so much whenever you’re on  the dash and it’s something i value so much. i love supergirl so much, i played kara for a while and i still play barry (since hes a cw super) and your cat is just perfect. i don’t think anyone else could do her the kind of justice you do.

@hakune : OH MY GOD!! your steve *holds chest* I just love him so much. you write so well and your passion for our boy comes through so clearly. i love reading your threads and just watching you interact on the dash is a blast. keep up the good work, fellow steve.

@madebythejungle : you are so fucking talented, wtf? to take such a cool and interesting character and just explode him into life is so impressive. i love reading your stuff whenever i come across it on the dash. one day i’ll get up the courage to actually come say hi, but until then have this little thank you. thank you for making my dash that much better.

[pinkykitten]

Say yes

Harry Potter

Young! Remus Lupin x potter! female reader

Warning: none

Specifics: romance, angst, fluff, potter reader, one-shot

People: remus lupin, james potter

Words: 1,164

Requested: By anon Helloo hun! So, I am in love with ur blog, and I've been wondering if you could right 10 and 19 from the angst prompt list with young!remus x potter!reader, like they are engaged and then he says he changed his mind but it's because of his furry little problem, and the reader knows but he won't admit it, it ends in fluff and all that lol. Anyways, I understand if ur not comfortable with that, but thanks anyways! Keep going with the good work!!;)))

Prompts:

10 - “change in mind or change in heart?”

19 -  “don’t say that.”

Authors Note: im sorry i haven’t been posting for a while my peeps its just ive had a lot on my plate atm and im just trying to sort thru that stuff now. but i will keep trying to write all the requests its just you guys pls be patient with me i rlly do appreciate u guys and ur kindness thank you. hope you guys enjoy this! 

It was always killing him. That feeling inside where he had to make a decision. Let you suffer and give in to the temptations and selfish deeds of your love or take that all away so you wouldn’t have to endure the painful life of being with Remus. It made him heartbroken to have to think of calling the marriage off. All he wanted in life was to be with you for the rest of his life. 

He would lie awake at night, fighting with himself as he stared at your sleeping form. His heart rate quickened as he would glance at your chest, rising up slowly and then down. The way you mumbled in your sleep and clutched onto nothing. He adored the way your eyelashes kissed your cheeks a thing he too would like to do. He had to leave, but he didn’t want to. Yes, no. This was an ongoing thing day and night until he finally made the decision. 

You would catch yourself day dreaming about paradise with Remus as you looked at the ring Remus got you. The day was magical and the thought of declaring your love for one another sent you over the moon. You would call him yours one day. 

You gave a sigh as you looked at the delicate ring once more. “Oh Remus, what am I to do with you?”

Remus was sitting in his favorite chair reading a book. The room fell silent with no answer. As you looked at him you saw that he was tremendously focused in whatever he was reading, he was truly captured. 

“Love...love...Remus!”

Remus shook startled and blushed shyly, “yes darling?”

You chuckled lightly at his actions and smiled, “I was just saying how beautiful this ring is. It really is. Its so perfect, so dainty. Thank you.”

Remus felt bad. He felt guilty that he would have to drop the terrible news on you, especially that you were so excited for something like this. Remus stood up, closing his book and brushing his trousers. “Love?”

“Yes?”

He rubbed his hands and bit his lip, “I have to tell you something.” You were sitting as he motioned over to you. You felt odd and could sense something was wrong. You knitted your brows, worried. “Remus, dear, is there something wrong?”

Remus so badly wanted to tell you, “yes there is something wrong! With me!” but he didn’t have the courage. He didn’t have the guts to tell you that he was insecure and worried you wouldn’t really want to spend the rest of your life with him because of his issues with being a werewolf. 

“Yes y/n...I regretfully hate to tell you this but we cannot get married.” He uttered the treacherous words as he took a hold of your hands. 

You were shocked, thinking you heard wrong. You stood up suddenly and look confused, “what? Remus, why not?”

Remus didn’t think of an excuse or anything. “Um because I’m not ready to marry you y/n.”

Tears were starting to appear in your e/c eyes, “No, please, don’t say that. Did my brother and his dumb friends put you up to this. If so its not funny!”

Remus gulped and tried with all his might to hold back more tears, “Its true y/n. We cannot get married. We cannot be together no longer. I don’t...I don’t love you anymore.”

You had to take a seat and fell down on the couch. Your heart split into two, but your mind was racing with a million thoughts. “I , I don’t know what to say. I thought you loved me, I thought you wanted to get married. We’ve been through so much together! Even when you hated yourself I was there for you, always have! Why would you say this?”

Remus tried to hold back the tears. Biting his lips to stop them from quivering. He clenched his fists, trying to fight the black hollow feeling in his chest. All he wanted was to be with you, to hold you, to love you from now to forever. “I just...can’t y/n. I can’t.”

You were feeling so many emotions. You shook your head and just gave him up. Your voice was rough and shallow, almost a whisper. “You need to decide Remus do you want to change in mind or change your heart?” 

You were about to leave him a when Remus blurted out, “wait!”

“What Remus? What more can you say? What else do you want to tell me to break my heart more?”

Remus finally let the tears come out and he sat in his chair, pulling his locks and hating himself. He sobbed quietly, softly almost to himself. You just looked at him, irate but then realizing what the issue was. 

“The problem isn’t me...is it?”

Remus shook his head as he bit his lips.

You then realized it, he was trying to brake the engagement off because he was insecure. He hated himself more than anything. 

“Its because you are different.”

Remus didn’t want you to know this. He thought it would make him seem weak and you would hate him more. He shot up and looked all over your face, “no love its not what you think, its just-” He was a loss for words. 

You motioned to him and cupped his face, “I know you Remus, but you need to tell me. You need to open up to me, tell me the truth.”

It took Remus a little while and then he finally gave in, “I hate myself y/n. I hate what I am and I’m scared about frightening you or even worse hurting you. I can’t let that happen. You need to stay far away from me.”

You kissed him harshly, closing you eyes, feeling your eyelashes meet your cheeks. Your warm hands squished his cheeks to get him closer to you. Your tongue touched his for a moment. You felt complete and utter love for him. You didn’t care what he was, all you felt in that moment, all along was love. 

“I don’t care what you are Remus I could never hate you. I don’t mind that you are a werewolf. To me you are special and important. There of course will be trials along the way but together,” you laced your fingers with his. “We can do it. I just know it.”

Remus whispered, full of love for you as he rested his forehead against yours. “I’m scared love.”

“Its okay darling, we’ll go through it. We’ll make it.” 

Remus kissed you again, sweetly. You tasting cinnamon twists danish on his tongue from breakfast. 

“I love you so much y/n. Please forgive me for ever making you cry like that.”

“I do, but you gotta make it up to me.”

Remus got on his knees and grasped your hand in his, “my sweetheart, will you do me the honor of being my wife?”

You chuckled ans grinned, “I would love to...husband.”

Tag list: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @hyehoney, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @creamy-pasta-boi, @multireese, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @andreaoreas, @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople, @collectiveyou, @wtfisalltherandoms, @fangirl-4-life415, @dirbel

wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!

[ordulotusspa]

tarot cards as foster the people lyrics 🌿✨

*based on the waite tarot deck

I've wanted to do this to better understand the relation of the cards with one another and I thought it'd be a good idea to post it here!

i. aces, the magician & justice

—houdini

“rise above, gonna start the war!” / “well, and eye for an eye, and an ‘f’ for a fight” / “well, you got what you want and what you never knew, perfect gift from me to you” / “focus on your ability, then they can’t get what they want to steal”

the aces have an aura of beginning, the spark of an idea, oportunity, birth. however, the magician is the “trigger” of that change, he controls it, activates it. he’s the architect and alchemist that has the ability to make use of each suit as he pleases. with justice, as we see, this power comes with a responsability. you get back what you give. and because the magician is also an illusionist, a liar and a thief, justice needs to be there as a reminder of what happens when you abuse magic. 

ii. twos, high priestess & the hanged man

—shc

“you’re a secret, that’s worth keeping, and now i’m keeping my mouth shut” / “well, i’ve been sleeping waiting for something, but to feel nothing at all, avoid the call” / “when i’m alone, there’s a ghost the keeps talking, and i know there’s gotta be more, for sure”

the twos are a symbol of alchemy, and this can be clearly seen in the cups with the caduceus of hermes on the background. the high priestess is the master of occult knowledge, she channels cosmic knowledge through intuition, thus creating a bond, an exchange of energy within her and the universe. the hanged man needs meditation and contemplation in order to decide what’s next, what’s real from what’s an illusion. he urges stillness in order to recover, much like the two of swords.

iii. threes, the empress & death

—fire escape

“my spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint” / “I see the seasons change, all the young faces come and replace the dying ones” / “i’ve watched the dreamers find their legs, and i’ve seen the ones that come get reduced to bones and rags”

this procesion of cards illustrates the importance of cycles. the threes combine pain, sorrow (swords) with recovery, harmony (cups), planning (pentacles) with action (wands), conveying the message that one simply can’t exist without the other, for the presence of the other is what gives one its importance, its core definition. they’re light and shadow, much like birth (empress) and death. 

iv. fours, the emperor & temperance

—coming of age

“you know i try to live without regrets, i’m always moving forward and not looking back, but i tend to leave a trail of dead while moving ahead” / “just like an animal, i protect my pride, when i’m too bruised to fight, and even when i’m wrong i tend to think i’m right. well, i’m bored of the game, and too tired to rage”

the emperor is the giver of stability, as we can see in four of pentacles and four of wands. he provides a stable foundation to build a home, he’s a father. meanwhile, the four of cups and four of swords portray temperance; they’re about patience, balance, and meditation. the emperor, as a leader, needs to balance the responsability of his power out with temperance, or else he will become a tyrant, ruled by fire.

v. fives, the hierophant & the devil 

—pay the man

“say what you love, it’s alright don’t be afraid to find your light, embrace the day, at night we’re here to fight, we all go wild again” / “climbing up my own tree, hoping it can hold all the things i’ve seen but i’ve chosen to ignore. well, i said, well i believe i’ve been well fed but the wolf’s not dead” / “lift up your name, seasons change, you know that it'll never be the same, we'll see the sun again, and before it fades, i just wanna say that i love you”

this procesion is very deep. it speaks of the spirit on a level that no other procesion of cards does in the entire deck. because the hierophant is combined with the devil, i feel like it unites opposite religious concepts: heaven with hell, purity with dirt, wisdom with madness. this alchemy of the soul is pretty much a product of dionysos, and that’s why he’s often identified with both major arcanas. the fives, now, are the middle point of each suit; they mark a transcendental point in the path of the fool. they speak of poverty, sadness, confusion and conflict. this is the event that leads to the tower; the failure, the longing for illumination, the unmasking of the lies and illusions that have ruled one’s life until now. the unity of darkness and light, the highest power, thrice-born and divine, with the lowest impulses of nature, the satyrs and maenads that lure you into their orgy. the devil here demands to be payed back, he wants retribuition, while the hierophant presents himself as the saviour, the guide, that happens to also be incredibly biased. i think it’s very useful to view this procesion as a representation of dionysos, he who initiates us into the journey of self-discovery through mysteries and shadows. 

vi. sixes, the lovers & the tower 

—the truth

“well i’ve been trying to relearn my name, it feels like a thousand years that i’ve been out of frame and i surrender, the truth is what it’s what i’ve needed from you, cause i’ve been floating within your walls of opinion, and i’m tired. i only want the truth” / “a blinding call to prayer has touched my feet, like the call of the prophets, a purpose is needed before you know that you know, to never wonder what you are, and not forget where you’ve come from” / “is it really love you’ve been speaking of?”

the lovers and the tower have a closer relation than what i thought at first, and the verses of this song really show it. the lovers is, finally, the resolution of the devil and the hierophant: it is the unification of duality, the yin and yang, and its lust is still present in the devil; the impetus and dichotomy of human emotion. but the tower and the hierophant are both events of immense spiritual enlightment. they represent freedom. the sixes are about charity, change, escape, and victory. 

vii. sevens, the chariot & the star 

—doing it for the money

“just close your eyes, we’re gonna run this blind, we live our lives, we’re not wasting time, maybe we lost our minds, we’re gonna get what we can” / “i said it doesn’t matter where i go, i am calling all the poets into battle, i am shouting to the world let them know that we won’t be afraid to step into the fight when we can’t see the light” / “there’s no retreat and no escape if we keep dreaming while we’re wide awake”

dreams, hope, courage and art. this is a creative procesion of cards. after the breakdown of the sixth procesion, the seventh brings bravery forthward. there’s no time to waste and we’re now purified, convinced of our worth and what we need to do in order to achieve what is needed. we’ve accepted the situation, the nature of our uncontrolling emotions and the will of fate. the sevens take action, a bit impulsively, but still they trigger a necessary change after the depression seen with the lovers and the tower. 

viii. eights, strength & the moon

—a beginner’s guide to destroying the moon

“and now i’m staring at the moon wondering why the bottom fell out, been searching for answers and there’s questions i’ve found” / “we’ve been crying for a leader to speak like the old prophets, the blood of the forgotten wasn’t spilled without a purpose, or was it?” / “you’ll never be whole until you lose control, and think freely to smash the wall of apathy, stop your self-importance and lift the weight off somebody else”

there’s a very pretty picture on the eight of cups in the ethereal visions illuminated tarot deck, because the moon is full, shining enormously over a deep blue landscape, and that perfectly illustrates the relation of this card to the major arcana of the moon. this procesion for me is about confidence. change is never easy, even when we’ve finally surrendered to the fate of circumstances, even when we were the ones to trigger it. eight of swords and eight of cups are not easy cards to gaze at, but we must remember that the moon is a mother, it is nurturing, it reminds us of the quality of nature to be cyclical, that things are always moving and flowing, and emotions don’t last forever. it’s also a card of illusions; it yells at us to remove the blindfold from our eyes and rediscover our worth. strength is about taming the beast, keeping on working, effort and struggle. so this tells me; no matter how much it hurts, keep going, be a leader, be the lion, make the blood you shed worth it. 

xix. nines, the hermit & the sun

—pseudologia fantastica

“don’t be afraid of the knife, sometimes you gotta cut the limb to survive” / “you got to love the madness of the feeling, don’t have to rush the freshness of beginning, you got to get back up and face your demons, don’t ever be afraid of starting over”

the nines follow the archetype of the hermit and continue their path through the sun. when we’ve worked hard enough, when we’ve compromised to facing our shadow self, when we’ve retired to truly know ourselves, admiting what we’ve done, what we’re worth, and retreated into silence, then there’s a comeback filled with joy, music, light. the nine of swords is a necessary dark night of the soul leading to a definitive awakening. 

xx. the tens, wheel of fortune & judgement 

—iii

“and i wont be afraid, it’s true we’ll never know, when the night will come and take us home, and people change, we fade from youth, and evolve into eternal life” / “wake the sleeping from their dreaming, we all want more, we all want more saints will sing and hearts are beating, saying we all want more, we all want more”

there’s still much to learn in the ten of swords already, but because life is an ouroboros and our purpose is to return to having full control of all the suits and making use of that power faithfully and wisely, it doesn’t matter. in the tens, we admit that we can affect certain situations but there’s always something that escapes our sight; fortune acts alone. wheels turn again, endlessly, for eternity. we want more; the ten of cups portrays a couple with kids new life, new paths, a new story that is, again, yet to be unfold. ten of pentacles passes down its knowledge and experience to the youth; ten of wands continues with its struggle, in the conviction that the nine will come back. ten of swords, however, looks defeated. it ain’t. it’s finally the death of the past self. ten of swords is, actually, the scene of the moment the knight defeated his adversaries. it is a card of victory; but the knight is yet to become a king. 

[ohprettyweeper-moved]

Caught on Fire

Part 1

Summary: Josh finally acts on a long-time attraction. Pairing: Josh Dun x Reader Word Count: 1650 Warnings: Firefighting & related danger, hospitals & related scenarios.  A/N: Welcome to my new series! I promise this will be the longest A/N for any chapter! Before you ask, yes, I have selfishly given myself the role of Tyler’s wife with my dream job. It’s fiction so I can do that, right? Oh, and most of these medical situations will be drawn from my own experience working in one of our Level I Trauma Center ERs, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be accurate, and sometimes I’ll stretch it for purposes of the story. I do have a taglist for this, so you’re welcome to ask to be tagged; I feel like I may have forgotten someone for this first part, so if that’s you, just let me know! Anyways. I hope you enjoy it!

Flames lashed out at him from all directions. Smoke was thick in the air, mixing with the oxygen in the building and making breathing a dangerous activity. Some felt claustrophobic in this situation, Josh had heard before. Some felt that impending sense of doom, as if Death himself had come to swallow them up and drag them down into the destruction caused by the fire. 

Not Josh. He loved every minute he spent fighting fires, right down to the second that the only thing remaining of the blaze was glowing embers and smoking piles of ash. He had been born to fight fires, many people in his life had told him over the years. Josh believed that, too, down deep into his soul. 

“Dun! I’ve got a body over here!” 

Josh followed the direction his close friend and fellow firefighter, Tyler, had searched out in the burning home. A man twice their age was in the bed, coughing and sputtering, but not entirely conscious. Josh guessed he had been sleeping when the fire started, and had inhaled too much smoke to get himself out before the fire nearly took his life. 

“C’mon, buddy,” Tyler encouraged, lifting the man off the bed and hulking the older man over his shoulder. “I’ll come back.”

Josh shook his head. “We’re almost done with the search. Take him and the rest of us will be out soon.”

Tyler nodded and headed toward the exit with the old man still slumped over his shoulder. Josh watched his friend hurry out of the house, went back to the quadrant of the house he had agreed to search, then called for the rest of the team to evacuate behind him. 

Before the last man, Zack, could make it out, the ceiling crumbled, blocking out Zack’s escape route. Josh watched from the front walk, running right back into the fiery structure to get to Zack. 

“Where you at, man?” Josh called through the radio. 

“Fell through the floor to the basement,” Zack radioed back. “Trying to find a way back up. Stairs aren’t sturdy enough.”

Back on the porch, Josh called for a rope and other equipment necessary to pull Zack from the basement. “We’ve got to do this quick, and somebody make sure Tyler stays out till we get Zack out.”

Josh had grown up with the Joseph brothers, and Zack was like a brother to him, just as Tyler was. The bond between Tyler and Zack was even stronger though, and Josh couldn’t have his best friend making any risky, irrational moves in an effort to save his brother. 

Mark came in with the equipment, taking post as an anchor for Josh to help Zack get the harness secured in place before pulling Zack up from the basement. The younger Joseph brother was starting to panic, pulling his oxygen mask off in an effort to feel less trapped. The basement ceiling was starting to crumble, threatening the rescue if Zack didn’t do his part soon. 

“Put that mask back on!” Josh ordered. 

Zack shook his head. “I can’t! I can’t breathe!”

“The mask is to help you breathe, idiot! Now come on!”

But Zack shook his head, breathing faster and more shallow with every respiratory cycle. Josh cursed under his breath and turned back to Mark. “He’s hyperventilating. Get a couple more guys in here — not Tyler. We’re going to have to do all the work.”

Two more firefighters rushed in after Mark radioed, taking hold of the rope. They nodded to Josh when they were ready, and he nodded back. 

“All right, on my go,” Josh instructed. He got a good grip on the rope, checked one more time to make sure everyone was in place and ready to get Zack out of that burning basement, then gave the command. “Pull!”

After several good heaves, Zack was up out of the basement. He wasn’t coherent enough to fight Josh re-affixing his oxygen mask over his face, or to argue when Josh lifted Zack over his shoulder to carry him out much like Tyler had done with the old man they had found. 

“Have a bed ready for us, he’s going to need transport,” Josh said into the radio, hoping that Tyler wasn’t in a full-on panic over his brother’s well-being. As it was, the older brother rushed to Josh almost as soon as they were out of the house.

“What’s going on? What the hell happened?” Tyler demanded. “He’s not breathing?”

“He’s breathing,” Josh said, dropping his gear and walking alongside the cot as the medics rolled Zack over to an ambulance. “He panicked and took off his mask for a while. We got him out, he just needs to be checked over.”

“I’m going with them,” Tyler said, attempting to climb into the back of the ambulance. Josh stopped his friend with a hand on his chest. Tyler tried to push past him, but Josh knew it wasn’t going to do any good to have Tyler in the ambulance. 

Josh caught Tyler’s gaze. “You’re panicking, Tyler. You’ll overwhelm the medics, and they need to concentrate on Zack. I’ll travel with them, all right? You meet us at the hospital.”

Tyler nodded, defeated, and backed away as Josh climbed into the back of the ambulance with Zack. The heavy doors shut behind them; Josh gave Tyler a thumb’s up for reassurance as they drove away. 

“I bet Tyler’s a hot mess.”

Josh was leaned against the counter of the nurse’s station, waiting outside the room while the ER team assessed Zack and got him out of his gear and into a gown. He looked beside him to see Y/N, a nurse at the hospital Josh had known for what seemed like forever. She had dated a guy who used to work with Josh and Tyler for a while, until the guy moved away and the relationship ended. Still, she was acquainted well-enough with most of them to understand the gravity of the situation. Josh smirked. 

“Had to convince him to let me ride in the ambulance instead. Surprised you’re not in there.”

Y/N sighed. “Wish I could be, but I’ve got a STEMI we’re about to take up to the cath lab. You gonna be okay?”

Josh nodded. “Oh, yeah. I’m sure I’ll be better when I know what’s up with Zack — he took off his mask when he panicked. More worried about smoke inhalation than anything.”

“That’s a legitimate concern,” Y/N nodded. She nudged him with her elbow. “The Joseph boys are that easily knocked out, Dun. Zack’ll be fine. You’re more likely to have problems with Tyler having an anxiety attack or barking at one of the nurses or techs.”

Josh managed a laugh. “You’re right about that.”

“Y/N, we’re rolling,” another nurse called, grabbing some extra supplies from a nearby IV box. 

Y/N nodded to her colleague, then looked back to Josh. “Duty calls. Update me on Zack when you can. I’ll be back down in a while.”

Josh thanked her and watched as she jogged over to the STEMI patient’s room. She winked at Josh as they rolled the bed toward the elevators, and he returned with a smile. He watched after her as she went, wondering why he hadn’t ever taken the time to get to know her better than as a mere acquaintance. 

Hours later, Josh was still in the ER with Tyler, Zack, and their parents. Though he hadn’t been unmasked for long, the degree of damage the smoke inhalation had done was enough for the attending doctor to intubate Zack, to prevent potential problems caused by swelling of the young man’s irritated airway. Zack would spend a couple of days monitored in the ICU, and a more certain, detailed treatment plan would be developed from there. Barring any complications, however, everyone assured the Joseph family that Zack was going to be just fine. 

“You look a little tired.”

Again, Y/N’s presence sort of caught Josh by surprise, but he didn’t mind. He took the coffee she offered with a grateful smile. “Yeah, I am. But I’m not going to leave until Tyler’s wife gets here.”

Y/N nodded. “How is Nicole?”

Josh sipped at his coffee. “That’s right, I forgot you knew her when they were still dating. She’s great — speaking at a trauma conference this week, but she’s on a flight back, now. I’m not sure she’s even gotten our messages yet about Zack.”

“I’m sure she’ll be here as soon as she does. Probably before she even gets home,” Y/N guessed. “My shift is about over. Can I do anything else for you before I go?”

“Nah, I’m all right. Thanks, though.”

With a tired smile of her own, Y/N gave him a little wave before leaving the room. On a whim, Josh got up and followed her, catching her just past the nurse’s station. He could feel the blush creeping up his neck and into his cheeks. 

Josh had to clear his throat before he could speak. “Do you want to get together sometime? Maybe for coffee that’s better than hospital cafeteria coffee?”

Y/N frowned. “Josh, I made that coffee.”

He winced. “Oh, well, I didn’t mean the coffee that you brought me in particular —”

“I’m teasing you,” she laughed. “I’d really like it if we met up sometime. You have my number.”

“I do. I’ll talk to you soon, after we’ve both had a chance to sleep.”

“Perfect,” Y/N smiled.

They shared a quick, friendly hug before she continued on her path to the nurse’s lounge before clocking out. Josh stood rooted to the spot for a moment, glad that he had worked up the courage to ask her out, but wondering how he would get any sleep with this kind of excitement brewing, waking all of his nerves. 

Tags: @takenvysleep @faceofcontvsions @svintsandghosts @adversaryproject 

[bloojayoolie]

Apparently, Beautiful, and Best Friend: Very sweet, shy, tender hearted brindle boy in need of a soft voice and a quiet, structured home where he can feel safe, loved, and thrive. TIMON OLUNTEEP Id 67422, 4 Yrs., 38 petite lbs., Dreaming of a family of his own, at Manhattan ACc TO BE KILLED 8/27/19 From Shy to Social, Smiley Boy Timon Wants to find His Forever Home! ~ Timon is a tiny little guy with big bat ears and a gentle heart, who craves a loving & quiet home and a family to love. He was found in the streets and brought to the shelter by police, a teeny, tiny petite little man of only 38 lbs who was frightened after his experience and only wanted to feel safe and loved. But the shelter is no place for sensitive souls with tender hearts, and a bravery deficit, so TIMON didn’t find the quiet, calm, “safe space” he had hoped for. He’s so incredibly adorable with his big bat ears, his white socks and his gorgeous tiger brindle coat. Add to that his big smile, or the way he sits so straight and tall, trying to project a courage he doesn’t feel as he tries to negotiate the Brooklyn Center. The volunteers do their best to give him comfort, always taking time to talk to him in a soft voice, snuggling with him on a bench, softly petting him and telling him not to worry – it will be ok. But it won’t be ok if no one picks this beautiful sweet boy. He needs an experienced foster or adopter who can give him the quiet space he will need to find his rudder. Can you help this little man out? Message our page or email us at MustLoveDogsNYC@gmail.com for assistance fostering or adopting him now. A volunteer writes: Hakuna Matata is not Timon's moto but it could be if he gets to move in with you, as your forever best friend. Timon is a handsome lad whose face and moves light up as he distances himself from the care center. He strolls beautifully, does his business, sits on command and respects small critters and other dogs. I was surprised to see that the noises and crowding of the park did not bother him. He seemed to feel like home. Timon got lots of compliments from passerby's. He is a unique Boroughbred I said! Still everyone was trying to take a guess about his mix. Maybe you will too? Timon is shy but after a while spent with him, he will jump on a bench near his caretaker and accept caresses. There is love at first sight and love that comes with trust and time. Timon is waiting for you at the Manhattan Care Center, dreaming to be his carefree self, in your hands! Volunteer Evelyne Cumps writes: Timon (67422) is a lightweight (37lbs) brindley 4 year old neutered male, a very elegant, healthy stray that was very shy upon arrival but opened up amazingly. He truly is a favorite of all here at the care center but for some reason has not caught the attention of the public. may be because he is such a quite mouse in his kennel. He is one pretty dog who could have some BT up his family tree. He was so shy in PG but now, he plays nicely with males and females in PG. he is a great walker, goes to the park, is fine with all its activities and noises, nears other pooches politely, sits, comes when called and is likely HT. His behavioral eval is level 3 as he was scared (although NEVER) aggressive upon arrival and for days. Staff, behav staff and vols have been working daily with him and Timon has really bloomed. He is waiting for his Pumba at the Manhattan Care Center! MY MOVIE: Timon, The Magnifique! https://youtu.be/ldDHl3QiJZo TIMON, ID# 67422, 4 yrs old, 38.6 lbs, Unaltered Male Manhattan ACC, Medium Mixed Breed, Brown Brindle / White Surrender Reason: Stray, brought by police Shelter Assessment Rating: NEW HOPE ONLY Medical Behavior Rating: BEHAVIOR NOTES Means of surrender (length of time in previous home): Stray Behavior toward strangers: A woman, living with dog, said he growls at her and snaps FOSTER BEHAVIOR NOTE Timon was with the foster and a 10 year old girl at the street came close to him, Timon jumped on her and scratched her. SHELTER ASSESSMENT SUMMARIES - Date of assessment: 30-Jun-2019 Leash Walking Strength and pulling: Moderate Reactivity to humans: None Reactivity to dogs: None Leash walking comments: None Sociability Loose in room (15-20 seconds): Fearful – avoids; tense; cowers Call over: No approach – nervous, tense Sociability comments: Body tense Handling Soft handling: Fearful Exuberant handling: Fearful Handling comments: Body tense, tail down, moves away when legs are touched Arousal Jog: Follows (body low) Arousal comments: None Knock: No response Knock Comments: None Toy: No response Toy comments: None PLAYGROUP NOTES - DOG TO DOG SUMMARIES: 7/1-7/3: When introduced off leash to the female greeter dog, Timon approaches, sniffs, and continues to follow while sniffing. He solicits play at times, but is more intent on following and sniffing. 7/5-7/15: Timon engages in bouncy play with a female dog. 7/16-PRESENT: Timon is playful in a group of male and female dogs. INTAKE BEHAVIOR: Date of intake: 28-Jun-2019 Summary: scared but warmed up MEDICAL BEHAVIOR: Date of initial: 28-Jun-2019 Summary: trembling, tense, fearful, allowed handling ENERGY LEVEL: We have no history on Timon so we cannot be certain of his behavior in a home environment. At the care center, he displays a medium level of activity. IN SHELTER OBSERVATIONS: Timon was initially fearful and uncomfortable with touch when he arrived at the care center. Through daily interactions with handlers and dogs in playgroup, Timon has become increasingly social and on 7/5-7/6 began soliciting attention from handlers. He will approach with soft body and wagging tail and when handlers pet him he will lean in. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION: NEW HOPE ONLY Behavior Asilomar: TM - Treatable-Manageable Recommendations: No children (under 13) Recommendations comments: No children: Due to how uncomfortable Timon is currently with touch and novel stimuli, and that he was reported to growl and snap with the person he was staying with, we feel that an adult-only home would be most beneficial at this time. New Hope Rescue Only Potential challenges: Fearful/potential for defensive aggression. Potential challenges comments: Fearful/potential for defensive aggression: Timon was reported to growl and snap by the person he was staying with. At the care center, he has been very fearful. Please see handout on Fearful/potential for defensive aggression. MEDICAL EXAM NOTES 11-Jul-2019 Progress Exam SO Post op recheck skin -- clean, dry incision site A healing sx site P continue to monitor post op 10-Jul-2019 Spay/Neuter Summary Surgery report - canine neuter Was this dog a cryptorchid? No - normal canine scrotum and testicles Scrotal incision along median raphe Spermatic Cord Ligation with: 0 Monocryl in modified Miller's knots Sub Q closure: 0 Monocryl in single stitch Skin closure? Left open to drain Green linear tattoo near incision site to denote neuter status. Pre-op exam. Reported occasionally sneezing. S: Tense, trembling during exam O: BAR-H, MMs pink and moist EENT: No discharge OU, AU, nose. PLNs: Not significantly enlarged. H/L: NSR, NMA. Eupnic, quiet lung sounds. No coughing or sneezing during exam. Abd: Soft, no pain on palpation, no masses palpated M/S/I: Amb x4. No skin lesions noted. UG: Male intact, testicles soft and symmetrical. Neuro: Alert and appropriate, no sign neurological deficiencies A: Appropriate surgical candidate P: Neuter today Anesthesia Summary: Canine Neuter Pre Medication: Hydromorphine 4 mg, injectable, 0.18 mL IM Dexmedetomidine 0.5 mg injectable, 0.2 mL IM Induction: Propofol 10 mg, injectable, 3 mL IM Anesthesia Notes: Size 8.5 fr. ET tube placed, maintained general anesthesia throughout procedure on isoflurane and O2. Used rebreathing system with 3 L bag. 22 g IVC placed in right cephalic vessel. Intraoperative IV LRS at 5-10mL/kg/hr at: 170 mL/hr Rimadyl 50mg/mL injectable, 1.4 mL, SQ, once post-operatively, for post-operative pain relief. Other: Testicular block 0.88 mL of Lidocaine 0.88 mL of Sterile water Recovery Status Recovery was uneventful. Post-operative Medications Prescribed: Rimadyl 75 mg Tablets, Give 75 mg (1 Tablet), Orally, once a day for 2 days beginning the day after surgery. Anesthetist/Surgical Monitor (P#’s): 28-Jun-2019 DVM Intake Exam. Estimated age: 3-5y. Microchip noted on Intake? No. History : stray brought by police, Subjective: BAR, Observed Behavior - trembling and tense, allowed all handling, but very fearful. Evidence of Cruelty seen – no. Evidence of Trauma seen – no. Objective: T = , P =wnl, R =wnl, BCS 4/9, EENT: Eyes clear, ears clean, no nasal or ocular discharge noted. Oral Exam: unable to examine due to muzzle. PLN: No enlargements noted. H/L: NSR, NMA, Lungs clear, eupnic. ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated. U/G: male intact 2 testes palpable in scrotum. MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat. CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities. Rectal: external normal. Assessment: apparently healthy. Prognosis: good. Plan: neuter and all intake tasks. SURGERY: Okay for surgery *** TO FOSTER OR ADOPT *** HOW TO RESERVE A “TO BE KILLED” DOG ONLINE (only for those who can get to the shelter IN PERSON to complete the adoption process, and only for the dogs on the list NOT marked New Hope Rescue Only). Follow our Step by Step directions below! *PLEASE NOTE – YOU MUST USE A PC OR TABLET – PHONE RESERVES WILL NOT WORK! ** STEP 1: CLICK ON THIS RESERVE LINK: https://ift.tt/2ynocEZ Step 2: Go to the red menu button on the top right corner, click register and fill in your info. Step 3: Go to your email and verify account \ Step 4: Go back to the website, click the menu button and view available dogs Step 5: Scroll to the animal you are interested and click reserve STEP 6 ( MOST IMPORTANT STEP ): GO TO THE MENU AGAIN AND VIEW YOUR CART. THE ANIMAL SHOULD NOW BE IN YOUR CART! Step 7: Fill in your credit card info and complete transaction HOW TO FOSTER OR ADOPT IF YOU *CANNOT* GET TO THE SHELTER IN PERSON, OR IF THE DOG IS NEW HOPE RESCUE ONLY! You must live within 3 – 4 hours of NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Norther VA. Please PM our page for assistance. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a dog on the To Be Killed list, including those labelled Rescue Only. Hurry please, time is short, and the Rescues need time to process the applications.

[cosmicbloos]

THEYRE DONE!!

I wanted to take my time with them to make sure i liked them!!  im having a great time making ocs rn, i feel like...inspired again and i havent been in awhile??? I really feel like these two sonas fit v well in the moomin universe and im so happy I changed them around for it and honestly? theyre moving from sonas to just ocs cos ive put a lot of thought into them....

ANYWAYS Boo and Cosmo! Re-designed!! and now with a backstory! wow! I think I explained it a little in the wip post??? so uh...

EDIT: updated some of Cosmo’s stuff!

Starting with Cosmo, he is the younger sibling and has been living with his mother(Rosalinda), as well as his two aunts(Patty and Saffy) who raised him to be a witch! Not an evil one, but a good one, seeing as his family wants to help everyone with their medicines and elixirs. However, once Cosmo was of a certain age, he headed out on his own. It’s a family tradition for an up and coming witch to go on a long journey to discover themselves and master their craft! He has only really mastered simple spells over the years of his travels, but it can take forever for him to do anything major, but his potion making is very on point; it’s what he’s best at and what he’s learned the most about. In his bag he does carry a few things that he shrunk with a shrinking spell, although he hasn’t learned to make them big again....Sleeping bag, crystals, supplies, balalaika among other instruments he’s trying to learn...He was very proud when he thought to shrink them to keep room in his bag.. 

but yeah...He’s still learning. He does end up in the valley and decides to end his journey for now to focus more, because he finds it easier to stay in one place than move all over to learn magic. He does become friends with Soot!! Mostly because he always comes to his lil boat to have lunch. I will also add that while Cosmo is devoted to becoming a witch, he is also devoted to become a musician. The problem is that he always learns a little of one instrument, then moves to another. On his travels he would go from his balalaika to flute to guitar to fiddle to kalimba. He has so many different things and it’s because in each place he goes, he always ends up picking up a new instrument to keep him busy. And, well, he has ADHD so his hands need to be kept moving, as well as his mind. He can’t stay stuck on magic ALWAYS, he has to do other things or else he’ll get tired of his craft, so he hyper focuses on music. 

Now Boo is where I put a lot of self stuff in, as I usually do with her. When she was very young, but old enough to walk, she had a habit of sleeping in her father’s knapsack. When Cosmo was born, her father and mother split, daddy-o just running off one day unknowingly with Boo in his lil sack. 

After the initial anger he shows towards her being with him on his farm, he ends up just using her as a maid and farm hand. She does most of the work, while he sits around doing much of nothing. She’s pretty strong physically due to all the work, she also had to pick up a lot of different “hobbies” like sewing and cooking and gardening and so on, because her papa made her do legit everything. However, after so much time with him, she began to loose her voice and herself all together. She writes Too-Ticky a letter just as her hands are turning invisible, almost not sending it cos of the anxiety, but with her remaining courage sends it off! So things do get better for her, she comes to the valley and also gets to meet Soot!!! She helps him from time to time and becomes something of a taste tester for him. She does stay invisible for a good while, but with help from friends she slowly comes around. she also does end up meeting Cosmo and they don’t realized theyre related for a...good while...

[littlebitwolfstar]

It’s Not All Roses and Chocolates - a Drarry fanfiction

Hey everyone! Ive been working on this fiction that I’m not sure if I should keep going with it so I decided I would post the introduction to it here and see what everyone thinks. Id love some feedback if you have the time! Let me know your thoughts and perhaps I’ll make it a full length fiction.

Returning to Hogwarts was a surreal feeling for Harry. He never thought he would be going back to finish school after everything that had happened during what should have been his seventh year. The Great Battle left the whole castle in ruin. It took them two years to finish renovating the school to its former glory and staring up at the castle now, it looked as if nothing had happened.

They had started referring to it as their eighth year. There were only about twenty of them in total who returned, so they had “added” an extra dorm for all of them, all houses rooming together. Harry had a sneaking suspicion that it was just the Room of Requirement giving them what they need, but he only brought that up with Ron.  

Harry hadn’t even planned to go back at first. There were too many terrible memories here that he didn’t wish to relive. But Hermione and Ron were both going back, as were Dean and Seamus and Luna and Neville.

Ginny left England to go and research new healing spells in Egypt. She had decided it was for the best if they went their separate ways. It hurt but Harry understood why she said it. He would have waited forever for her, or even followed her to Egypt, but there would be nothing there for him. Everything that mattered in his life was in England, and he had to make sure he could be around when Teddy started to get older He was just beginning to talk when Harry saw him last, right before he left for school. He had started to take after his mother very early on, often taking on a pig’s tail or a set of fluffy wolf ears. Harry hated leaving him, but it was only one more year.  

“Harry, come on mate. The sorting will be starting in a moment” Ron waved his hand in front of Harry’s face breaking him out of his daydream.

“Sorry Ron, it’s just so odd being back here.”

“I know what you mean. It looks like nothing happened here at all” He wrapped his arm around Harry’s shoulder and gave him a tight squeeze. “We are in this together. Just like the old times”

“Yeah. Together”

Walking into the Great Hall, Harry noticed the walls were now lined in individual candles, each with a name floating in the flames. Most of them he recognized, some he didn’t and that made his sad. They had all died for him, because of him.  

Ron leaded Harry over to a fifth table, much smaller than the others at the far end of the hall where the rest of their friends sat. Hermione smiled and kissed Ron’s cheek as he sat down next to her. Luna smiled and waved at Harry from down the way with Neville by her side. Dean and Seamus laughed in hushed tones across the table. Everyone looked much older than the nineteen years they should be. Harry let his eyes wander to each face at the table. One by one, taking in every inch of his friends as if afraid it would be the last time he saw them.

And then, at the opposite end of the table, hair as blonde as ever and a deep green scarf wrapped around his neck, sat Draco Malfoy. He wasn’t look towards Harry. He was looking up at the candles, taking in each name as Harry had done only minutes before. He looked sad.

Harry tapped Ron’s arm, “I didn’t know Malfoy was coming back” He gestured to the other end towards Draco and Ron followed his gaze.  

“Me neither mate. Must be weirder for him to be back than it is for us. I heard Dad say that they arrested Mr. Malfoy but Draco and his mum got off. Said they were forced into it. Also heard that they sold Malfoy Manor and moved into a small apartment in the city.”  

Harry watched Draco for a long time. He wanted to know what he was thinking. He wanted to talk to him about everything that happened, from the astronomy tower to the room of requirement and everything that happened since them.  

“Good Evening students and welcome back to Hogwarts” Minerva McGonagall’s voice soared over the head of hundreds of chattering students and brought a complete silence to the room. “It has been a long two years and I’m sure many of you are excited to be back to our wonderful school. I would like to start with a few announcements before we get into the sorting of our new first and second years. As always, please refrain from wandering into the forest on the edge of the grounds...”

McGonagall finished her announcements and called in the new students for the sorting. As usual the Sorting Hat began the sorting with a song.

For many years, this valiant school

Taught students ways of magic

But darkness came and broke our home

An evening very tragic.

Now two years past and we return

To start anew in friendship

As our founders long since past

Intend for their kinship.

No matter house or blood or kind

We work here close together

To make the world of magic great

And a future for the better.

In Gryffindor the brave reside

The true of heart and courage

In friendship they will always try

To care for and encourage.

In Hufflepuff you find true friends

Their loyalty is known

With a Hufflepuff by one’s side

Their value will be shown

In Ravenclaw their minds are strong

Their wit is quite unmatched

Take your time to know them well

A true connection will be hatched

And finally, in Slytherin

Ambition takes control

These cunning snakes make truest friends

With them one will feel whole

Now place me up upon your head

And be sorted to your house

Just remember only together can

Real magic come about

Applause filled the room and the Sorting hat took a small bow before McGonagall began calling names. One by one, each student sat on the bench and had the hat placed upon their heads. For some, a house came almost instantly, for others, Harry could tell, they were having a long chat with the Sorting Hat just the way he had nine years previous.  

After the sorting concluded and the chatter from the tables settled, McGonagall stepped back up to the podium. “Before we feast, I would like to take a moment to recognize all those we lost two years ago. These candles will remain in the hall as a memorial to their memories and everything they meant to us.”  

The room was quite for a long time. Everyone sat very still only moving their heads to read the names on the candles.  

After a moment, McGonagall gave a clap that rang through the hall and a huge feast appeared in front of the excited students.  

~~~

Once the food was gone, the other students began to make their way out of the hall and to their respective common rooms. The eighth-years remained seated, quietly talking amongst themselves while the Great Hall emptied, and the house elves cleared the tables (Hermione tried to help. Ron had to remind her that it was their job and that they were being paid for their work). Shortly after the last plate was removed, McGonagall moved over to the table to lead them to their dorm.

The new dorm was placed up on the 7th floor, as Harry had suspected. The door was a small dark wood with a rounded top, very unassuming and easily passed over if you didn’t know it was there. It almost looked like a broom closet. Stepping though however, it opened into a large sitting room. A huge fire place roared from one corner of the room surrounded by some of the coziest chairs and couches Harry had ever seen. A split stairwell towards the far wall expanded up to what harry could only guess were the dorms.  

“As usual, the boys and girls dorms are separated, however, seeing as there are so few of you, everyone will be provided their own bedroom connected to a shared living space and bathroom for the boys and girls respectively” McGonagall finished explaining the layout and then, saying her good-nights, retired to her room leaving them to explore on their own.  

“This place is incredible” Seamus was almost bouncing off the walls. “Dean! Room neighbors?”

“Absolutely” The two of them raced up the stairs towards the dorm rooms. Slowly, everyone else followed them up to the rooms, picking their place and settling in. Harry left his things on the floor of his room and made his way back down stairs.

The common room was mostly empty, save for Hermione, already studying for classes at a table by the windows and Hannah Abbot, who had fallen asleep with a book in her lap. Harry sat down on the couch across from the fire and let his mind wander with his eyes focused on the flames. He simply sat there for quite some time. Hermione had woken Hannah and the two of them went off to bed close to an hour ago. The grandfather clock on the far wall chimed two bells before Harry looked up from the fireplace. Only then did he notice Draco sitting in a chair to his right.  

Harry almost jumped out of his seat. “Malfoy? Wh-hat are you doing here? It’s almost morning.”  

Draco smirked. “I was wondering how long you would be spacing out like that, Potter” but then his smile disappeared, and he turned his attention from Harry to the flames. “I don’t sleep a whole lot much anymore. Haven’t for quite some time now.”  

Harry watched him for a moment. He looked like he was shaking, and he was constantly wringing his hands. “Me neither, actually. Not since, you know.” The two of them sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, neither looking up from the fire licking the edges of the brick alcove. “I don’t hate you, Draco. I just want you to know that. And I don’t blame you for anything. It’s not your fault.” Draco looked up then, a new look in his eyes. Something hopeful maybe. He didn’t say anything, just nodded slightly.  

After a few more minutes, Draco got up and quietly made his way back to the dorms, leaving Harry alone in the empty common room, the sun slowly beginning to peak through the large stained-glass windows, lighting up the room with a brilliance of colors marking the new day and the start of Harry’s eighth and final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  

END OF INTRODUCTION

[obsidianarchives]

Ashley Romans

Ashley Romans started her formal acting training at Pace University School of Performing Arts. She moved to Los Angeles immediately after graduating in 2015.  Los Angeles theater credits include:  Celebration's Charm (Beta), Rotterdam (StageRaw and LADCC award recipients).  Film/Television credits include: "I'm Dying Up Here" and "Shameless" (Showtime), "Are You Sleeping?" (Apple TV), "Hermione Granger and the Quarter Life Crisis" (Sunshine Moxie), "NOS4A2" (AMC new series).

Black Girls Create: What do you create?

I’m an actor. I create by acting. Collaborating with writers, directors, designers, and visionaries in whichever medium possible to hopefully create an honest reflection of a being’s life experience.

BGC: How do I create?

I suppose my entire creative process begins with healthy self trickery. Not quite deception but more healthy, playful, self manipulation. Naturally as creators we have a way of resisting and fearing whatever it is we most want to bring about into the world. Similar to a mother’s fear of giving birth or raising a child, we think “what if the world doesn’t receive my creation well? What if people are mean? What if it’s not healthy or ready?” I often find myself trying to bribe or trick my way out of this fear. I trick myself into going into my next audition as confidently as I can, or preparing for that day on set when I really don’t want to, or finding some connection with a character trait I find reprehensible.

I also think it is very important to stay relaxed and loose so one can reach a playful and spiritual place of creativity. So I try and keep myself healthy; mentally, spiritually, and physically by reading, eating healthy, journaling, praying, meditating, and exercising.  

BGC: How did you get into acting?

I would say my professional pursuit officially began when I went to study theater at Pace University in New York City for my undergraduate degree, but for as long as I can remember I always had an interest in acting. I loved watching ‘90s action/drama movies with my father and “I Love Lucy” reruns with my mother as a child at all hours of the day. I became even more interested in theater and performance through high school choir, joining community summer camps, and doing the spring high school musical.

Even as an adolescent I felt it was best to keep my professional aspirations to myself in fear of naysayers. In retrospect, I understand now that high school is a time a lot of young people are dealing with self doubt and insecurity. Considering that I was far from the funniest, smartest, or most talented individual in the theater department, I, unconsciously, kept my performing ambitions quiet even from the people closest to me because I didn’t want to risk someone rubbing their self doubt on me. I worked up the courage to audition for a couple of acting schools but I told no one except my acting teacher Douglas Hooper and a few very close mates.

I still abide by this privacy philosophy even now and it hasn’t steered me wrong to this day. I still feel that speaking one’s dreams and aspirations among chaotic or unsupportive energy environment would most likely dissipate or poison their own source.  

Eventually after graduating from Pace University through a couple months of tumbling I landed representation for acting with a management company and I moved out to Los Angeles. I’ve been able to land some great acting opportunities and gain a supportive team of people and I could not be more grateful.

BGC: What has been your favorite role so far?

I have so many favorites. The roles that stand out to me as my favorite are the ones that have most challenged me and allowed me to explore a different aspect of life, and explore and connect to the full range of the human experience. I’ve received some of my most valuable acting lessons in various roles in the theater. I played Inez, a red dressed-vixen-leading lady with a passionate, deep-seeded hatred for her ex-husband in Stephen Adly Guirgis’ Our Lady of 121st. Two years ago I played Beta, a young teenage gang affiliated boy in Chicago with a secret in Phillip Dawkins’s play Charm at Celebration Theater. This coming March I will be part of the Kirk Douglas’s production Rotterdam by Jon Brittain. Set in the Netherlands, I will play Fiona/Adrian, one half of a modern London couple who decides to make a huge change in their life. My experience acting in these productions specifically has been positively nurturing. Throughout our rehearsal process, I learned what it means to be not just a more nuanced and skilled actor but also a more supportive and capable teammate in the creative process.

In terms of film/television world, my work as Hermione Granger in Sunshine Moxie’s Hermione Granger and the Quarter Life Crisis remains my greatest acting lesson in the film/television/on-camera discipline.  Eliyannah Yisrael, Megan Grogan, Alice Pierce, other writers and producers leveled up my game up. I’ve never before been number one on the call sheet and I’m not sure if I ever will again, but having that responsibility was so enlightening. It was also an invaluable learning experience getting to work with those amazing creators and seeing those women just get shit done. It was truly an honor being chosen to play such an important and monumental literary character in this version. I remember reading the Harry Potter series as a little girl in London and thinking how much I wanted to be part of and live in that magical world. Playing Hermione in the HGQLC series was by far the best artistic adventure I’ve ever had. Exploring moments, scenes and how far we can bring characters all felt like adventures. Even our trip to Dublin, Ireland this past year felt like one big adventure. I’ll be forever grateful for that experience.

BGC: Why do you create?

I enjoy acting because I love being seen and getting to disappear. It’s a paradox but it’s my truth. I enjoy exploring the range of human experience. I love that I get to feel connected to people in the safe incubator that is pretend. I love that I get to feel and say all the things I’m afraid to feel and say in my real life. I still never get bored of going to the theater, movie or stage, sitting in a dark room with other people and watching performers simply tell us a story. I hope to serve God and the people around me through my creativity and acting. I always hope to truthfully represent a human experience no matter how high or low the stakes it might seem to us at first. Losing your phone and frantically trying to find it can be as exciting and dramatic a story as losing one’s job or finding out your spouse is unfaithful. It’s all in the storytelling and truthfulness of the moment and I love as an actor I get to explore that.

BGC: Who do you hope to reach through your work?

Honestly, the most important people I aim to ultimately reach and impress are my nieces and nephews. Yes the public, my agents, and producers are all important but I feel as though they are a means to an end. Right now my oldest niece is 10 years old and she loves the Hermione series and is always pretty excited to see me act on TV. At the moment she still thinks I’m pretty cool and I hope to keep it that way.

If this was a decade ago and you asked 16-year-old Ashley the same question I probably would have said something like “I want to be a voice for the voiceless and the underrepresented… blah blah blah.” Truthfully, I don’t think I ever really knew what that meant. I mean, I knew what it meant on a superficial-runner-up-in-Beauty-Pageant kind of level but now that answer doesn’t resonate with me as the gutter truth. Whenever I’m working on scripts, deciding on content to create or post etc, I ask myself “Is this something I would be proud to let my niece see? Is this the kind of work that can help make the world even the tiniest bit better for her?” Eventually, she’s going to grow up and have a voice in this world and I hope that her seeing me embrace mine will give her the courage to embrace hers. My nieces and nephews and all the children like them are who I hope to reach.

I really love seeing how the world is changing now. Representation in the media was so limited even 10 years ago but now it’s getting more and more beautiful by the day. With so many platforms, works such as Pose, Glow, Fresh Off the Boat, Chewing Gum, Masters of None, Eighth Grade, and more, so many beings who have been underrepresented for years are getting a chance to reach their audiences and tell their stories. And we all get to identify and see ourselves in each other. I don’t have to reach out and save the world because it kind of starts with myself and our own backyard.

BGC: Who or what inspires you to keep creating?

Oh geez, that’s a loaded question. My peers are my first and foremost inspiration and motivation. Again Eliyannah Yisrael, Megan Grogan, Alice Pearce, Jessica Jenks. It’s remarkable to watch those ladies do what they do. I love being in acting class and witnessing breakthroughs or being in a really great rehearsal with a cast mate. That’s always promising when you get to be part of the creation of something honest and true.  Even if it is just a great moment in a scene. Actors who inspire me are endless. Octavia Spencer is a fantastic actress and creator who I adore. I had the blessing of working with her once and she’s an even better human.  Lovely doesn’t do her justice. I love watching Regina King. There’s a great example of an honest to God creator and storyteller. She’s accomplished so much in acting, directing, writing, and producing. That’s also how I feel about Shonda Rhimes, Boots Riley, Jim Carrey, Maggie Gyllenhaal. There are many more. I’m sure as soon as you publish this interview I’m going to think of more.

BGC: Why is it important as a Black person to create?

As Black people, we have such a specific and loaded way we walk through the world. The Hermione Series has such a beautiful tag line.  It says “HGQLC - Write Your Own Ending.”  I’ve always loved that because it gives power to the subject.  As Black people it is our responsibility to take control of our story the best way we can.  We must feed our communities the best and most honest images of ourselves to ourselves because images and representation matters. In the area of cinema, for years non-Black people have told their version of the Black experience and it has left us misrepresented.

BGC: How do you balance creating with the rest of your life?

It’s always a struggle to keep a balanced life. I have a tendency to obsess and quickly lose perspective but when I want to regain balance I plan my day to make sure I get everything I need in. Luckily for me in my particular art form, acting is about living so I know I can’t be a good actor if I’m not allowing myself to experience life and fun.   

BGC: Have you been able to build a support system around yourself? What does that look like?

I feel so grateful for my support system. I have amazing representation, an amazing day job with super awesome and motivating coworkers who are actively pursuing their life goals. I also have super supportive family and friends who tell me they’re proud of me just for being myself. My sister is also a great support system, someone I can speak and think out loud with no fear of judgment. I could not be any luckier.

BGC: Any advice for young creators/ones just starting?

It takes 10,000 hours to be a professional at anything. So just put in the hours, however that may look. Either do it, read about it, watch a YouTube video on it, whatever you have to do to learn about your craft and get better.  

BGC: Any future projects?

I’m going to be doing a remounting of the stage production Rotterdam at the historic Kirk Douglas Theater in Culver City. It’s a short run, performances run from March 28 - April 7th, but it’s such a blessing to revisit this work with such a remarkable group of people.  It’s a super funny and insightful play about gender and love.

In the television world I just finished wrapping a new AMC series starring Zachary Quinto and Ashleigh Cummings called NOS4A2. I don’t know the exact date it is to be released but it’s happening soon. The series is based of the hit novel by Joe Hill and it centers around a teenager (Cummings) who uses supernatural abilities to track down the seemingly immortal Charlie Manx (Quinto), who steals children and deposits them in “Christmasland.”  I play a Detective Tabitha Hutter trying to suss out the truth. This series has supernatural fantasy, horror, action/adventure, procedural, and family drama. Everything you want to see.