#ive been thinking and ive realized i dont really want to die. i just hate my circumstances and im willing to die to free myself of them

[opens-up-4-nobody]

I desperately need to be a scene kid for Halloween this year

[adilynnyuri]

I hope this isnt trauma dumping or sm but i just needed to get this out and also get some advice and i think i really like ur advice. So i have been jn a relationship w my bf for 2 years now and i love him with my heart and soul and we plan to get married ( ee are still young but we see that as the futuregoal) so up tntil a few months back i used to just go to random s*x chat groups and something and would share my nudes nd just stuff like that and would also watch p*rn .. these are both things that me and my bf would a 100% consider cheating and if he did this to me i would kill myself out of sorrow. I absolutely hate myself and am disgusted at myself i was distracted for a little while with my exams but now they are over and now im crying all the time again just thinking about what i did to the boy i love the most. At the time i didnt think much of it and at first i would just talk w people but slowly i started sharing nudes and i did this a couple of times until i realized a few months back how wrong it is. I have no idea how i didnt realise how wrong this is?Up until this i was a really good person i dont think ive ever hurt anybody and i am very nice also but now idk i just hate myself and everything about me .Every day whenever i think aboyt this i cant help but cry and think there really isnt anything else i can do. Of course i have changed and wouldnt think of doing such a thing again but still the fact that i did it in the first place makes me want to die.

Ik its so selfish but i cant keeo thinking that he will do sm like this to me also and that ill get my karma. Does karma really even exist and how do i get myself to atop thinking this now i always suspect him of cheating and talking to other girls. Hes done sm similar to cheating to me but nothing on this level. What he did is nothing ckmpared to what i did.

And in the context of manifesting, should i manifest that none of this ever happened and for me to be a really nice person or shoukd i manifest that this completely gets erased from my memory or what?? This also messes up my manifestion so much i cant helo hut tell myself that i dont deserve good things as im a bad person . Please help. If youre not comfortable answering this then im sorry for wasting ur time

Hii love!

BABE CALM DOWN! I UNDERSTAND YOU!!

I totally understand you and your situation but I am here to help you and to remind you THAT YOU DIDN'T AND WILL NEVER DO ANY MISTAKES!

First of all, WHATEVER HAPPENS REMEMBER!

Don't EVER LOSE HOPE!! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO'S CREATING BOTH GOOD/BAD SITUATIONS THAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES!!

You are the MAIN CHARACTER! YOU NEVER FACE ANY PROBLEMS!!

And imo Idgaf to karma. I don't even consider it's real. BUT I WILL USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE BY AFFIRMING THAT WHOEVER TRIES TO HARM ME IN ANY WAYS THEY WILL COMPLETELY FACE THE WORST.

I understand that you feel guilty about your activities! But! NEVER LET IT TAKE CONTROL OVER YOU! AND DON'T THINK YOU ARE BAD PERSON OR SOMETHING!!

You are limitless and you can do anything!

Until you don't hurt anyone in the name of manifestation, YOU ARE NEVER A BAD PERSON OR DOING ANY BAD!

⭐I will give you an example from my life!

My success in revising an embarrassing situation!

Once I did something very embarrassing like so embarrassing I just wanted to k!ll myself💀 but then I thought why should I do that to myself? I was born in this world to be happy and cherished 24/7! so I just affirmed robotically that NOTHING BAD HAPPENED AND I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT AND MY DP WHO WITNESSED THAT FORGETS IT TOO! (It was very tough for me too! The shit which I did kept popping up in my mind, BUT I DIDN'T GIVE MUCH ATTENTION TO THAT AND KEPT AFFIRMING!)

Well it just took me 1 day! One full day of robotic affirmations! LITERALLY THE VERY NEXT DAY EVEN I FORGOT AND MY DP TOTALLY FORGOT!! I WAS SO SO HAPPY!

Suggestion for you! 💕

I know it's so tough for you to affirm totally against of what happened, but trust me! JUST AFFIRM! YOU ARE SO POWERFUL LOVE! JUST REVISE SAYING,

"I never did anything bad and I am never guilty"

I AM BEING 1000000% SURE WHATEVER YOU WANT WILL HAPPEN. WHATEVER YOU WANTED TO CHANGE, WILL CHANGE! MORE LIKE, IT HAS ALREADY CHANGED !!

With lots of love,

ADILYNN YURI🤍🌷

[vxn3lla]

I hope this isnt trauma dumping or sm but i just needed to get this out and also get some advice and i think i really like ur advice. So i have been jn a relationship w my bf for 2 years now and i love him with my heart and soul and we plan to get married ( ee are still young but we see that as the futuregoal) so up tntil a few months back i used to just go to random s*x chat groups and something and would share my nudes nd just stuff like that and would also watch p*rn .. these are both things that me and my bf would a 100% consider cheating and if he did this to me i would kill myself out of sorrow. I absolutely hate myself and am disgusted at myself i was distracted for a little while with my exams but now they are over and now im crying all the time again just thinking about what i did to the boy i love the most. At the time i didnt think much of it and at first i would just talk w people but slowly i started sharing nudes and i did this a couple of times until i realized a few months back how wrong it is. I have no idea how i didnt realise how wrong this is?Up until this i was a really good person i dont think ive ever hurt anybody and i am very nice also but now idk i just hate myself and everything about me .Every day whenever i think aboyt this i cant help but cry and think there really isnt anything else i can do. Of course i have changed and wouldnt think of doing such a thing again but still the fact that i did it in the first place makes me want to die.

Ik its so selfish but i cant keeo thinking that he will do sm like this to me also and that ill get my karma. Does karma really even exist and how do i get myself to atop thinking this now i always suspect him of cheating and talking to other girls. Hes done sm similar to cheating to me but nothing on this level. What he did is nothing ckmpared to what i did.

And in the context of manifesting, should i manifest that none of this ever happened and for me to be a really nice person or shoukd i manifest that this completely gets erased from my memory or what?? This also messes up my manifestion so much i cant helo hut tell myself that i dont deserve good things as im a bad person . Please help. If youre not comfortable answering this then im sorry for wasting ur time

so you could revise that it didn’t happen and that you two are loyal to each other

or come clean and manifest that everything works out

pls be safe online and don’t send anything to strangers anymore

[steven-has-exploded]

ive yet to really see anyone else point this out but i think fyodor is going to end up being one of the most gut-wrenchingly unstable and sympathetic (to ME atleast) characters in bsd. what i perceive as foreshadowing for this has all been pretty vague, but thats really only further ammunition considering the way asagiri likes to write via throwing the wildest shit at us out of nowhere at 50mph and expecting us to deal with it. how did i first come to this conclusion? harukawas eye thing

this is going to be long please proceed with caution if you read slowly or just not at literal supersonic speed. rant under cut u know how this works

for those unaware or who have since forgotten the exact details, here is the image explaining harukawas thing with eyes, click to read;

so. fyodors eyes are usually very light, which a few other people have pointed out is probably due to the fact he genuinely believes his goal of ridding the world of abilities is following gods will; almost everything he does is a necessary evil to acheive the idealistic dream of a world without abilities. he understands his actions are wrong, but you cant go through with a goal such as that without doing morally reprehensible things in the process. anws so as user wildflowerteas pointed out his eyes are extremely dark after hes resurrected

now, could this just be signifying that fyodor can now continue doing his fucked up little deeds via his functional immortality? yes. but asagiri doesnt seem to write that way and i need an excuse to defend fyodor because im insane

asagiri generally doesnt write characters, especially important ones, as subscribing to one specific side of the moral compass. sure, there are characters that are more morally good or bad or gray than others, but not every one of their actions is as such. characters arent straight heroes or villains in their actions, and sometimes not even narratively; fitzgerald did everything for his wife to finally be happy and see her daughter again, dazai still trained akutagawa the way he did despite knowing it was abusive because his circumstances couldnt allow him to change before oda died, et cetera

so, lets interpret it another way. fyodors eyes being dark after resurrection may not be a reflection of his sinister personality, but rather the way he views and experiences his own countless deaths. he is purified in death and tainted when hes brought back; at peace in his last moments and destroyed when hes alive again. so what conclusion did this realization bring me to? fyodor is a suicidal maniac and hates his ability hear me out Please

in hindsight it seems really obvious to me now; what other reason could have spurred him on to try to desperately to erase abilities if not because he himself despises his own? his ability is truly the purest act of cruelty someone can experience when driven to the point he has been; it lets him bask in the calm of death, the comfort of everything finally ending, the solace that hes going to be finally rewarded for his actions by god. but only for a moment. once that moment is over, hes torn back into the world of the living, in the body of his own killer, the corpse of his last vessel staring him in the face as if to mock him for what he could never have. it deprives him of the human right to even die. what kind of person who claims to love all humanity wouldnt want to free the world of abilities, if others' have caused them as much pain as his has to him?

okok i apologize for making u hear me wax poetic about an anime twink version of fyodor dostoevsky but if youre still not convinced, which is ok i can see why this would be very insane to someone who isnt obsessed with this guy, i want you to just imagine for a moment how living with that kind of power would effect you. while we dont know fyodors exact age, we can assume that hes been alive for at least about 500 years due to his ability. fyodor isnt some kind of immortal being that has a conveniently human form, he is an actual human being who was first murdered presumably just in his twenties based on his appearance, who then had to slowly come to the realization that he will experience small spots of death before having to continue the same cycle of immortality for forever. human beings cant grasp the concept of infinity; our brains arent wired to deal with the idea, because everything in our own lives comes to an end. fyodor will never experience that. even if you view him as plain evil, pure and simple, no human being wishes to have their brain broken by the hands of infinity. and yet thats what fyodor is experiencing

[akpinkprincesss]

I'm catching up on woe begone and it just got me thinking about some of the characters, like really thinking about them and damn it hurts.

i was thinking about lieutenant and it made me realize that he was a victim. what he went through was worse then anyone could ever imagine and he had to adapt to survive. Of course that doesn't excuse his actions but he isn't a horrible person doing things our of malice, he is a victim who did horrible things his abuser (the man who brainwashed him into obeying his every word) told him to.

and its not like ANY of the other mikes have it easier, michaels especially. Like i think the reason they (michaels) all hate lieutenant is because they have all been through horrible pain and suffering. They all have lost edgar and i think most (if not all) of the ones who are alive right now were held in the compound and also tortured, they just werent brainwashed.

In general i think the michales have a hard time empathizing with other characters because they dont want to get close to others in case they die. But any version of mike also have a hard time empathizing with lieutenant because they were also tortured and they didnt react like that. However they forget that trauma victims will do whatever it takes to survive and in this case lieutenant had to become the perfect solider or else he would die, or worse. and the only character who witnessed the torture first hand is either dead, doesnt interact with lieutenant at all or doesnt care which proves my point (i cannot remember what happened to that michael)

and after i had those realizations it sent me on a mini spiral about the W.B "villains" are actually just victims, these are usually iterations of the mikes. Like this nobody guy who just appeared (for me) i dont know what his deal is (and i dont want you to tell me) but the way hes talking it cant be good. The way he could withstand a gunshot for as long as he did doesnt give me good vibes. of course that could be of his own design but i dont know yet and when it comes to mike walters i can hope for the best but expect the worst.

of course not every villain in the story is a victim, like eagle he can taste the carbon of my bat as i slam it full force into his face. but some of them are just victim to circumstance and the horrible events that always follow mike walters.

thanks for reading my long ass rant, ive had feelings that i needed to get out. i might have more to say on the topic later but for now i will leave it. also ignore grammer mistakes im not in the mood to edit right now :/

ive been listening to this podcast on and off for about 2 years now? so there are bound to be mistakes in lore as i forget things and ill go a few months without listening then binge the 10+ episodes so if you have any notes please add them (without spoilers please i am only on episode 154 thanks)

note: do not take this the wrong way i love this show and this is NOT a criticism of the writing :D

[darkfictionjude]

Ived talked and asked A LOTTT on this blog

Anyway my crownies name is Emory, no nickname because she would think it's cringe

All she has is basically 2 personalities, one is the stone cold straight faced from the childhood who doesn't feel anything and the second is the angry girl who is a bit sadistic and impulsive who wants to hurt a lot of people (she might get another personality with Imre but who knows)

Im romancing Imre because im a sucker for manipulative red flags, i love their dynamic at this point (she slapped him and kissed him)

At first i was considering on romantic Lorcan because i lovee enemies to lovers but I like mine a bit more dominant, and when i realized all routes are basically enemies to lovers ive decided to switch to Imre

but of course that means im still playing the field with Lorcan and Nia because why not i love drama

Now with Nia, i absolutely love her but im not into girls (??) to the point where id want my mc to end up with one, sexually attracted? yes, but not emotionally

I love percy and sally, sally is overbearing but i love him but can he leave us a little room to breathe? gah damn, and percy is just too funny i couldn't hate him even if he chopped my legs off

my red flag is that I can't hate any character who is funny, this weakness is also in real life in real

anyway i dont really care about the rest of the characters.... the mother could fall down the stairs infront of my crowny and all she would do is shrug and walk away

and about the father, if she could she would walk through him because he's none existent to her....

so this was my long ted talk, hope you had fun Jude

I love you pls dont die (in an inspirational way not a weird one)

Ohhh I have to disagree nonnie. To me enemies to lovers is a mutual thing. It only works that way if both hate the other, if one pair doesn’t hate the other it’s one sided so it’s just enemy to lovers or rivals to lovers. Imre and Nia don’t hate Crowny that’s why they don’t fall into that trope. Crowny of course can have the choice to hate Lorcan or not from the beginning but canonically when you start the game they have an enemy relationship as Crowny has either been cruel or just given Lorcan what he’s given them so they are enemies

“I can’t hate him even if he chopped my legs off” another Percy devotee I see we are people with taste 😌

I love how you clarified my death cause I got a message in my box with a poisoned cookie *eyes narrow* some of y’all are planning so little murder

Alsoooo I really like the Emory it actually sounds like Imre (if you pronounce his name Em-ree)

[yumeyleo]

i want to die cause im terrified of aging, im scared of getting older, We're dying anyways, everything we do will be pointless in a few several decades. And in the past i would take that as a sign to live life as i want to, but i want to be remembered. But i wont be remembered because i wont make some uber big discovery or write an awesome book or do anything impactful. and im fine with that, ive accepted it. Life is pointless, joys are fleeting, all this world is is a tragedy, that sounds so emo and edgy but fuck itim alwaedy writing so many emberassing things today, im gonna hate myself in the morning ;-;. most of us, we're all dying anyway, some of us faster than others. I wanna die cause im sick of having to do stuff... cause im lazy, basically. i think death is both punishment and a gift. I think i deserve to die for all ive done on this earth, but it'll also be a treat for not being too unaware of my actions. (teh slef awareness makes me better, but also makes me worse) Theres also just this deeprooted (maybe rooted in my soul) (i dont understand souls, i want to, though) need in me to die, to feel death. its been there since day one. i sound so ew omg...i was too busy trying to comprehend how to tell left from right and how to tie my shoelaces to realize it. But anyways, the need in me to want to be hurt worse than all those around me has always been obvious. ive always been a bad person for that. actually, i never comprehended death for a while. when i did i didnt think much of it, until i thought of whats after. I was scared of death because of that thought. Maybe i still am, but now i am okay? to die. i want to find out whats after. why i want to die is something i cant understand myself most of the time, this is the basics. Sometimes i wanna live. I actually hate that i idealize about suicide, id rather just live. i know i have no future though, so ive given up on mostly everything. Its obvious in my academic decline. i wouldve been a smart girl if it werent for all of this, i mourn that i guess. i like my friends, i love them. and i want to live to have more happy and silly moments with them. The happiness i get from them never overpowers the other stuff, i wish they could. Im sad i dont want to live. id really like to live sometimes. its actually frustrating why cant my emo ass just want to LIVE??? i really wish i hadnt stopped being friends with him, but i know what he said wasnt right. im certain he wouldve made fun of me for this

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not talking to my sister?

we both currently live in the same house with our mother and youngest sister, who is in elementary. the sister i don't talk to is about two years younger than me. dont want to give exact ages but we are both early adults now. we haven't spoken in about six years, just small talk that is mostly just me giving her a message or asking if she wants something to eat.

now, i stopped talking to her because we got into a fight because i told her she could not hold my little sibling (at that time my mom was the only one working and i was the one caring for my three siblings, including the eldest who is disabled, and i was the only one who knew how to care for a baby.) and she told me basically to die. and a lot of her words were just stuff she was repeating from my mom who has like this weird thing against me since ive been young, never really knew why. she would yell at me in front of my siblings and still does sometimes, though not as much since shes older. anyway, i didnt speak to my sister for about two weeks because of that and also it was not the first time she spoke to me in such a hurtful way, until some family members noticed and scolded me for it being as i am her older sibling.

i didn't feel like what she said was right but eventually i realized i do love and care for her so i did try to make it up by walking her home from school and hugging her and buying her snacks from the gas station that was near our house at the time. but i guess my actions afected her and ever sense she had no interest in speaking with me, which my mother does still constantly blame me for.

i feel bad and i did try many times to fix things and even still currently although i know she doesnt care for me i do little things for her. but she doesnt want to talk and at this point i don't feel obligated to even want to keep trying to mend our relationship when she doesnt even care.

then recently things kind of went bad, which i won't go too much into detail about, but she ended up going to a mental hospital for a few days for running away and threatening to kill herself. and she made some comments about me to my mom saying that i didn't care about her and its my fault she did those things, which my mom agreed. then she came home after begging my mom to get her and pretended as if nothing happened. i soon found out from my eldest sib (who this sister is closer to) that she only did that in hopes that she could get somethign from my mom but idk what and why she even mentioned me because then some people came around asking me if i abused her or anything and why i didnt talk to her.

but it made me angry and hurt since i have been working to be a better sibling even in this awful household, ive been trying to treat my baby sibling better too so at least she knows she's loved and not alone. i am working and going to school while she (sibling i am not talking to) gets to sit at home. i get her gifts and she doesnt even thank me. i still love her even though she hates me so much, even though i know she was just manipulated by our mom to feel that way about me. and for her to say that after ive constantly tried to be there even when she didnt want me it just hurted.

now i am so tired and im preparing to leave the house because i cant do it anymore, although i would hate to leave my younger siblings with my mom. and i think i will give up trying to mend our relationship, because i thought she could change but its becoming to much and i cant be here. i know i should not have stopped speaking with her and i regret it, but i feel like my efforts over the years should be acknowledged too.

and i just need to know am i a bad person for feeling this way? should i even keep trying?

What are these acronyms?

[sweetchaosbabe]

I hope this isnt trauma dumping or sm but i just needed to get this out and also get some advice and i think i really like ur advice. So i have been jn a relationship w my bf for 2 years now and i love him with my heart and soul and we plan to get married ( ee are still young but we see that as the futuregoal) so up tntil a few months back i used to just go to random s*x chat groups and something and would share my nudes nd just stuff like that and would also watch p*rn .. these are both things that me and my bf would a 100% consider cheating and if he did this to me i would kill myself out of sorrow. I absolutely hate myself and am disgusted at myself i was distracted for a little while with my exams but now they are over and now im crying all the time again just thinking about what i did to the boy i love the most. At the time i didnt think much of it and at first i would just talk w people but slowly i started sharing nudes and i did this a couple of times until i realized a few months back how wrong it is. I have no idea how i didnt realise how wrong this is?Up until this i was a really good person i dont think ive ever hurt anybody and i am very nice also but now idk i just hate myself and everything about me .Every day whenever i think aboyt this i cant help but cry and think there really isnt anything else i can do. Of course i have changed and wouldnt think of doing such a thing again but still the fact that i did it in the first place makes me want to die.

Ik its so selfish but i cant keeo thinking that he will do sm like this to me also and that ill get my karma. Does karma really even exist and how do i get myself to atop thinking this now i always suspect him of cheating and talking to other girls. Hes done sm similar to cheating to me but nothing on this level. What he did is nothing ckmpared to what i did.

And in the context of manifesting, should i manifest that none of this ever happened and for me to be a really nice person or shoukd i manifest that this completely gets erased from my memory or what?? This also messes up my manifestion so much i cant helo hut tell myself that i dont deserve good things as im a bad person . Please help. If youre not comfortable answering this then im sorry for wasting ur time

Hey babe, I’m really sorry you're feeling this way. First, let me say this: you are not a bad person. We all make mistakes, and what you did doesn’t define your worth. What’s important is that you recognize the situation and want to grow from it—that shows you have a lot of self-awareness and care.

As for manifesting, this is a beautiful opportunity to shift your mindset. Here’s what I’d suggest:

Forgive Yourself: Manifesting starts with how you see yourself. If you keep telling yourself you’re bad or don’t deserve good things, you’ll stay in that cycle of lack. Start affirming that you deserve love, you are forgiven, and you are enough. We all do things we’re not proud of, but holding onto guilt keeps you stuck.

Focus on the Present: Instead of manifesting that it “never happened,” focus on who you are now. Say things like, “I am always loyal and honest,” “I am growing every day,” and “I create beautiful relationships.” Don’t manifest from guilt or fear—manifest from a place of love for yourself.

Karma and Fear: Karma doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be punished. It’s more about energy. If you keep focusing on fear or punishment, that’s the energy you’ll bring into your life. Instead, shift to trust and positivity. Affirm, “I trust my partner fully,” and “My relationship is healthy and secure.”

Lastly, please take care of your mental health, too. Talking to someone you trust or seeking professional support can really help.

You deserve to feel good and live fully. Sending love your way

[theygotlost]

I'm really sorry guys but i dont think I have any more artfight in me. i have been defeated. i just cant find any kind of motivation to work on more attacks and i feel dread thinking about it like it's some kind of job. this might be my last year participating because I've become so allergic to creating art for other people unless its under an incredibly specific and arbitrary set of circumstances. i love everyone's ocs so much they are so so cool and I really do wish i could draw them but its so hard to make myself do it and when i do its hard to enjoy the process.

this is combined with the fact that lately ive just been feeling kinda unspired and I havent been feeling great about my art as a whole for the past like 2 months at least. I feel like i've stagnated again and i need to change how I do things like I did last year but now that I already did that big overhaul and experimentation with my style im out of ideas for how to change it and i feel like im stuck.

idk maybe i will be able to make a few more attacks before the month is out if the mood so strikes me but I can't promise anything. i just feel frustrated with myself and it sucks. i do have some other ideas for fanart I kind of want to draw but i would feel bad for drawing anything not artfight related during july cause it feels like I'm disrespecting and/or ignoring the other participants when i could be using that time to draw for them WHICH I REALIZE IS STUPID AND FAKE AND NOT TRUE AT ALL AND NOT A HEALTHY MINDSET TO HAVE BUT THATS JUST HOW IT FEELS !!!!!

wahtever this all probably stupid as hell i hate feeling this way. i gotta take a break or change or die

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

k, m, n, t for pd and/or suck!!! >:33333

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

-> you know i gotta say wiwi. i have to. that character was Made For Me i swear to GOD . genuinely i cannot think about prime defenders season 2 episode 39 without feeling physically sick bc i love it so much. its the only one i havent relistened to since i heard it the first time. i KNOW its gonna make me cry again so i genuienly have not touched it even though theres things in there i need to hear again for character research. his arc is so like. narratively satisfying in a way that hits me so fucking deep to my core in an extremely personal way. and like. there were definitely some Decisions that i was REALLY ANNOYING about hating when they were brought up because im used to media with bad storytelling/creators that do not care about their characters but. looking back on it i would not change a single thing about it. i love you wiwi so much.

-> FOR SUCK.... its not over yet. so i cannot definitively say. campaign finale comes out tomorrow so my answer may change depending on that but for right now i think i gotta say arthur. i joke a lot about hating arthur for no real reason in particular but. man his story is just REALLY good. not going 2 give you suck spoilers (hehe) but i also really like how shilo has grown through the campaign. hes my little guy :]

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

-> TIDE. TIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIDE TIDE TIDE I LOVE TIDE SO MUCH. thats my dad thats my best friend i love tide so much dude. every time he is mentioned or on screen i am just like :D HI TIDE I LOVE YOU TIDE

-> grefgore :] light of my life this is how i feel anytime i think about grefgore

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

-> CHARACTER STUDIES. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. I LIKE A GOOD SHIPPING FIC AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY BUT PLEASE GOD WRITE THEM IN CHARACTER. EXPLORE THEIR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS AND WHY THEY MAKE CERTAIN DECISIONS THE WAY THEY DO. this doesnt even go for just pd and suck this is like. true for every single fandom ive ever fucking been in. do you know how hard it is to find character studies in the danny phantom tag on ao3. nobody has even fucking watched the show how are they going to write character studies they just want (<< i cannot legally finish this sentence without getting in so much trouble) I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MY FUCKING SELF AROUND HERE. ALL I EVER WRITE ARE CHARACTER STUDIES BC THATS THE WAY I THINK ABOUT CHARACTERS. I LOVE THEIR MOTIVATIONS I LOVE TO GET INSIDE THEIR BRAINS LIKE A LITTLE PARASITE AND IT IS ALWAYS SURPRISING TO ME WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DO NOT THINK LIKE THIS. (edit im just now reading through this and realized the question says three things. i did not process that. my three things are all more character studies please)

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending? 

-> oh dude i have so many hmmmmmmm how to choose just one. i have a LOT of feelings about wiwis original death and i might write something about that when i can get over my shrimp emotions about him. dakota cole audhd truther but that ones pretty much canon anyway so i dont think it counts. vyncent and his relationship with growing up in fantasy world and then being thrown into prime and how he adjusted to that. I think he really lies shitty syfy channel type horror movies that are so stupidly bad. and also plays a lot of video games but again i think thats mostly canon already. i think tide listens to dad rock but also like. ocean man by ween. you already know about my william and ashe being each others emotional support at concerts. i think william and ashe should hang out and do emo kid things more. i also have a lot of feelings about ashe and coping with the crippling loneliness of basically growing up alone and how the pd becoming like INSTANT best friends was so much for him in sooo many ways. you already know how i feel about mark i am in the middle of dissecting him like im in a high school biology class as we speak. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i know im gonna think of something really good after i hit the post button so stay tuned

[beautysurvives]

disclaimer: im kinda new here

ive been doing a lot of thinking/talking about dabb era spn lately -- because my most recent uninterrupted rewatch was from s12 to s15. i originally went into it agreeing with a lot of the fandom that it was a downgrade and devolved into a run of the mill cw show, but honestly after rewatching and thinking about it, there is a lot that i can appreciate it for. I really love the addition of Jack and Mary, and I find the overall tone and themes really interesting. There's just a lot to think about, and it's been really fun getting into it.

that being said, the whole reason that i was motivated enough to rewatch was my dissatisfaction with the finale, and in particular dean's death. I had been turning it over in my head a lot, trying to make sense of it -- because it's hard for me to believe that it was the result of pure incompetence. I know endings are hard but sheesh. It feels so intentional. i think that there is supposed to be a takeaway for the audience, and im trying not to immediately give in to my knee jerk, bad faith interpretation (which is that it seems to argue against abortion and for eugenics in a variety of ways that I wont get into just yet) -- which is why I'm partial to the theory that Chuck won, and that the finale and the whole heaven endgame feels so uncanny because it is. But I feel like I can't fully tie myself down to any single interpretation without really understanding how we got there.

but since there seems to always be discourse in this fandom about dean and, I think, a general trend of people hating him, just misunderstanding him, or feeling like they have to defend him/defend themselves for liking him, I just want to address how I feel about him in particular, especially in the dabb era.

Dean is my favorite character in the show. I have so much genuine love for him, and in general i think he deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt, because a lot of viewers (and honestly sometimes the writers) are unwilling to look beyond his most surface level characterization. But a lot of what I have to say about him in the later seasons, so far, has been about his failures or things that he's done wrong, because I'm trying to give my most honest interpretation of the text, and I think that he (along with mary) gets positioned as the main person who needs to learn a lesson or change his ways more often than he is positioned as being in the right.

and of course this isn't strange -- it's a show, and he's a lead, we expect them to learn and grow and be flawed people. but i do feel that this era has stripped away a lot of dean's already existent growth for the sake of story / for the sake of moving him towards that finale. i cant say for certain why, because i just dont know yet. but. it's things like Billie saying "you've changed" to Dean when she realizes that he doesn't want to be revived and is willing to die (13.05 Advanced Thanatology) because... that's nothing new. Dean's default mode is ready to die and he is, more often than not, willing to accept the premise that his death in particular is a good thing.

But it falls in line with this trend in the later seasons of portraying Dean (and, frankly, all of tfw by s15) as "the guy who saves the world, the guy who always thinks he’ll win no matter what" (13.05) -- portraying him as overly cocky, disrespectful of "the natural order," and entitled. It's this unironically, uncritically hypermasculine image of Dean that just doesn't quite fit him -- because, in the past, that was only ever a very transparent facade that gets broken down early in the series, or the result of the Mark/being a demon. I feel like the writing of s12-15 is almost uncomfortably split between these two versions of him.

And it's especially apparent in his interactions with the rest of his family, and especially his relationship with Cas. I love Robert Berens as a writer, and I cant overstate how much I appreciate his commitment to keeping queerness in the narrative. BUT I think that his episodes have a tendency to paint Dean as this overly aggressive casually misogynistic hypermasculine guy who's ashamed of his own queerness and projects it on to the people he's closest to -- and honestly, yeah, Dean has been this at multiple points, especially when we first meet him as an audience -- but to me it's not a core, immutable part of his character, nor has it ever been his primary hangup. I genuinely think he grows out of it -- quickly. And while I believe that there's still a part of him that does struggle with this internalized homophobia and a level of misogyny (which points inward more than outward), I can't help but notice how much this is amplified and exaggerated in this final part of the show, especially when juxtaposed by Cas and Sam's characterization. And I do think that this portrayal of Dean as more backwards thinking/less evolved in the context of late 2010s culture goes hand in hand with Mary's arc, and how she goes from partially rejecting her femininity/maternal role to trying to embrace it -- but in the end still being punished by the narrative through her death.

we can probably say that these shifts in Dean's characterization are triggered by Mary coming back -- he is regressing in some ways, because of the presence of his mother. that's fine. it's just really really really interesting, because, like I said, this is often shown to us in stark contrast to Sam and Cas, who, up until maybe late season 12, have been the ones to embrace and embody American masculine ideals (independence, prioritizing what's "right" over what you feel, putting duty before happiness, etc) and reject Dean for his femininity / tendency to lead them toward a state of abjection.

We see this in the way that Sam rejects him after he discovers that Dean tricked him into being possessed by Gadreel in order to save his life -- Sam doesn't claim to be angry about the loss of his bodily autonomy quite as much as he does about the loss of his opportunity to close the gates of hell and, essentially, die a martyr / die a hero (quotes like "i was ready to die") and when he tells Dean what the real "problem" was about his actions, it has to do with the fact that Dean needs him too much:

"I was ready to die. I was ready. I should have died, but you… You didn't want to be alone, and that's what all this boils down to. You can't stand the thought of being alone." (9x13 The Purge)

I believe that Dean ends up in the whole MOC situation because he shares this view of himself and is trying to get away from that and move towards being more self sufficient (in a way that, similar to Sam with Ruby in s4, leads him right into the arms of a demon -- with the difference being that Sam kills Ruby as soon as he realizes he's been duped), but he also defaults on viewing himself as the corrupting force and puts the people around him on a pedestal in comparison to himself. Sam has to be protected/preserved/prioritized not just because he's family, but because he's a better person. Even in situations where he views either Sam or Cas as the ones in the wrong / the betrayers, prior to s12, he eventually internalizes these events and starts to blame himself for somehow being the cause of their downfall. For example, his season 4 and 5 rejections of Sam serve as a reversal of their season 1 dynamic (i'll make another post one day about how they mirror each other, because its rly fun), in which Sam starts out rejecting him for his proximity to hunting/their father/otherness, but later in s4 and s5 Dean initiates/agrees to their reconciliation and accepts that Sam's corruption is due at least partially to his failure:

DEAN: Look, I'll just get right to it. I'm still pissed… and I owe you a serious beatdown. But… I shouldn't have said what I said. You know, I'm not Dad. We're brothers. You know, we're family. And, uh… no matter how bad it gets, that doesn't change. Sammy, I'm sorry. (4x22 Lucifer Rising)

//

SAM: Dean, one of the reasons I went off with Ruby...was to get away from you.

DEAN: What?

SAM: It made me feel strong. Like I wasn't your kid brother. (5x05 Fallen Idols)

//

And with Cas, he definitely feels guilt in season 5 over him being barred from Heaven and slowly losing his powers for the sake of protecting the brothers -- and in The End, seeing Cas as a human who is not only completely powerless, but also completely dependent on and trusting of Future Dean only adds to Dean's guilt, which is why he apologizes to him when he learns that he's fully powerless in 5x21. This is also why lines like "The very touch of you corrupts" hit him so hard, and why Dean explains to Kevin that trying to care tears angels apart (7.21). Humanity to angels has always been analogous to femininity. Cas's view on becoming human only starts to change in season 9 after Cas falls (by 9x09, Cas becoming an angel again doesn't seem like such a good thing. Dean asks, "And you're okay with that?" to which Cas replies, "If we're going to war, I need to be ready.") Still, up until the end of season 12, Cas is split between wanting to return to Heaven and wanting to live a completely human life, which Dean represents for him.

Dean gets rightfully upset when he feels even an implication that other people are pinning their actions on him (which Cas does eventually do outright in s6 when he breaks Sam's wall), but he also gets defensive because he does believe that he's at least partially to blame, that he drives people to evil, and that it's his responsibility to either prevent that or find a solution or get through to them and reverse it -- which is also why we've gotten so many scenes where Dean gets beaten to a pulp and has to do some variation of the "this isn't you, i know you're in there, you have to fight this" speech (5x22, the crypt scene, the scene with cas in early season 11).

As a matter of fact, the entirety of season 11 is based on the premise that needing each other too much is a weakness, and that they need to reclaim their independence in order to make rational decisions. This is first stated by Sam:

SAM: Saving people means all of the people, Dean. Not just that baby. Not just each other. I unleashed a force on this world that could destroy it . . . to save you.

DEAN: And I told you not to.

SAM: And I'd do it again. In a second, I would do it again. And that is what I'm talking about. This isn't on you. It is on us. We have to change. (11x01)

//

and he echoes this when Dean is concerned about Cas's safety while possessed:

Dean: After we exorcise Lucifer out of Cas and put him into a new vessel.

Sam: What? Really?

Dean: Yes, really. We're not gonna send Lucifer into battle inside Cas. What if he doesn't make it?

Sam: Dean, it's a strong vessel. It's held Cas for years, and we know what he's been through. I'm guessing it can hold Lucifer.

Dean: "It"? It's not an "it," Sam. It's Cas.

Sam: And Cas wanted to do this.

Dean: Yeah, well, there's times I want to get slapped during sex by a girl wearing a Zorro mask. That don't make it a good idea.

Sam: Dean, this is exactly how we screw ourselves. W-We make the... the heart choice instead of the smart choice.

Dean: Oh, okay. Thank you, Dr. Phil. Cas is family.

Sam: Yes, and his choice deserves to be respected.

Dean: Even if it kills him? (11x18)

//

and then Dean finally accepts this in the s11 finale, by agreeing to kill Amara by sacrificing himself (because of his pre-existing connection to her, leveraging the fact that she trusts him not to hurt her):

CAS: I could go with you.

DEAN: No, no, no. No, I gotta do this alone.

//

So what's with the huge reversal in season 12?!?! Maybe it really is tied to both Mary's resurrection and Kelly's pregnancy and death? I don't know! Just as Cas and Sam start feeling the urge to be more empathetic towards Kelly's child, Dean gets all the empathy beaten out of him by the loss of Cas, Mary, Crowley, and Kelly? I can accept that I guess. But my mind remains boggled by a lot of other things, especially season 15. In some ways it's a return to the theme of hyper-independence vs "codependency" (airquotes because I find this concept dubious but I'm using the word as shorthand) -- but I'm still not sure which one, if any, the narrative takes issue with.

[chiimeramanticore]

do you have a favorite moment from your experience playing fnv?

ough its hard to narrow it down to just one, theres so many moments in this game both intentional and not that are so good . i loved all the quests in the ultra luxe and gomorrah, i loved boone's quest about his dead wife lol , more recently i loved the great khans stuff (even if fighting those deathclaws was a pain in the ass it was rly rewarding finally figuring out how to beat them) but i have two specific moments i think will stick w me for a LONG time, one intentional and one unintentional

the (mostly) intentional one was killing benny . ive talked abt him before so ill keep it brief but i had happened to play the game in such a way that made me like. grow to know and like him more over time? at first it was just blind annoyance and dislike, he's the guy who shot me, obviously. once i actually met him i liked his stupid charming demeanor, and upon getting out of his trap w just a good speech check, i felt like we had developed a mutual soft spot for each other (even if we were still opponents and had every reason to hate each other). i found him again at the legion camp and exhausted all his dialogue, and the more i talked to him the more i realized- not only does benny have a really human background and motivations, he's not too dissimilar to me and/or my courier . and i felt kinda silly for hating him this entire time! i suddenly liked him, i didnt want him to die! but letting him escape is crazy hard to pull off and even if you do he's still gone from the story after that . i wound up killing him in the legion arena bc it only felt fair to give him a fighting chance, and both of us being kinda shitty at stabbing each other was just this perfect bittersweet ending to our time together. i still wear his suit basically any time i dont need better armor on, and yes the implications of this given my new position on the strip keep me up at night too im gonna make art abt it eventually dont worry

the unintentional thing was early on in my adventures w yes man. id been watching a lot of like, atmospheric fnv videos in the bg where they walk in-game some long stretch between towns, and i wanted to do the walk from primm to the strip like the courier was originally supposed to. plus i modded the game to have a custom radio station w old country songs i like lol so it was an excuse. so im walking w yes man and we're maybe halfway done w the trip when we come across this kinda scenic view (this game doesnt let me screenshot so its a phone pic, hence the colors are a bit off):

and i stop to admire it with him right as it's only make believe by conway twitty comes on- which is a song about an unrequited relationship (ie "we can pretend in public that you love me, i can hope that you love me, but i know it's only make believe") but standing there next to an f/o while it plays is OUCHHH OWWWW OUGHH. its heartwrenching. even in-character, my six would feel similarly abt yes man since he's yknow. just a robot. and in the fiction i can only imagine like. standing there and having the view and the song and yes man just a foot away at most and not having confessed yet and. long story short i think this is the first time they tell him they love him. so now this random stretch of highway in new vegas is wildly bittersweet for me and nobody else lmao

[pleasedontcareaboutme]

i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again

sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now

Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.

And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.

and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.

no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.

and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.

im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.

and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently

in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.

there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.

no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.

[ogprettyprincess]

I hope this isnt trauma dumping or sm but i just needed to get this out and also get some advice and i think i really like ur advice. So i have been jn a relationship w my bf for 2 years now and i love him with my heart and soul and we plan to get married ( ee are still young but we see that as the futuregoal) so up tntil a few months back i used to just go to random s*x chat groups and something and would share my nudes nd just stuff like that and would also watch p*rn .. these are both things that me and my bf would a 100% consider cheating and if he did this to me i would kill myself out of sorrow. I absolutely hate myself and am disgusted at myself i was distracted for a little while with my exams but now they are over and now im crying all the time again just thinking about what i did to the boy i love the most. At the time i didnt think much of it and at first i would just talk w people but slowly i started sharing nudes and i did this a couple of times until i realized a few months back how wrong it is. I have no idea how i didnt realise how wrong this is?Up until this i was a really good person i dont think ive ever hurt anybody and i am very nice also but now idk i just hate myself and everything about me .Every day whenever i think aboyt this i cant help but cry and think there really isnt anything else i can do. Of course i have changed and wouldnt think of doing such a thing again but still the fact that i did it in the first place makes me want to die.

Ik its so selfish but i cant keeo thinking that he will do sm like this to me also and that ill get my karma. Does karma really even exist and how do i get myself to atop thinking this now i always suspect him of cheating and talking to other girls. Hes done sm similar to cheating to me but nothing on this level. What he did is nothing ckmpared to what i did.

And in the context of manifesting, should i manifest that none of this ever happened and for me to be a really nice person or shoukd i manifest that this completely gets erased from my memory or what?? This also messes up my manifestion so much i cant helo hut tell myself that i dont deserve good things as im a bad person . Please help. If youre not comfortable answering this then im sorry for wasting ur time

it's up to you what you do. you can manifest it never happened or manifest that it never effects you. either way, just persist. you need to remember that you are the highest form of power, there is no one above you. if you believe in karma, then it exists. if you don't, then it doesn't.

i recommend using some self concept affirmations along with whatever you want to use, or just incorporate self concept in however you manifest. it'll help with reminding you that you create your reality, you decide what happens.

simplest way to manifest in my opinion is to pick your affirmations, persist in them and monitor your thoughts. if you find yourself thinking bad about yourself or thinking the opposite of your affirmation, correct it.

don't let the guilt consume you, i know you feel bad, but at the end of the day you can decide how to move on. :)

[fabulousest333]

I hope this isnt trauma dumping or sm but i just needed to get this out and also get some advice and i think i really like ur advice. So i have been jn a relationship w my bf for 2 years now and i love him with my heart and soul and we plan to get married ( ee are still young but we see that as the futuregoal) so up tntil a few months back i used to just go to random s*x chat groups and something and would share my nudes nd just stuff like that and would also watch p*rn .. these are both things that me and my bf would a 100% consider cheating and if he did this to me i would kill myself out of sorrow. I absolutely hate myself and am disgusted at myself i was distracted for a little while with my exams but now they are over and now im crying all the time again just thinking about what i did to the boy i love the most. At the time i didnt think much of it and at first i would just talk w people but slowly i started sharing nudes and i did this a couple of times until i realized a few months back how wrong it is. I have no idea how i didnt realise how wrong this is?Up until this i was a really good person i dont think ive ever hurt anybody and i am very nice also but now idk i just hate myself and everything about me .Every day whenever i think aboyt this i cant help but cry and think there really isnt anything else i can do. Of course i have changed and wouldnt think of doing such a thing again but still the fact that i did it in the first place makes me want to die.

Ik its so selfish but i cant keeo thinking that he will do sm like this to me also and that ill get my karma. Does karma really even exist and how do i get myself to atop thinking this now i always suspect him of cheating and talking to other girls. Hes done sm similar to cheating to me but nothing on this level. What he did is nothing ckmpared to what i did.

And in the context of manifesting, should i manifest that none of this ever happened and for me to be a really nice person or shoukd i manifest that this completely gets erased from my memory or what?? This also messes up my manifestion so much i cant helo hut tell myself that i dont deserve good things as im a bad person . Please help. If youre not comfortable answering this then im sorry for wasting ur time

in the future as a boundary I'd prefer to only answer manifestation questions without trauma dumping, so I'll be ignoring any from now on, but it's totally okay as you didn't know ❤️

as for manifestation you can revise, or shift if you'd like! both are easy. revision is changing the past, and all you need to do is say the new story of what happened in your past and the 3d will conform.

as for shifting there's lots of methods you could use, but I'm not an expert so I'd seek advice elsewhere.

and finally telling yourself you're a bad person can't mess up your manifestations, nothing can if you say so. I'd work on your self concept outside of manifestation just to help you feel better about yourself, mistakes are a normal human experience.

personally I don't believe in karma, I'm sure you won't be affected. you can use protection subliminals or spells if it's giving you stress.

good luck!