#ive been starving you all
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Bestie before the fire
#a littel doodle for you guys#ive been starving you all#orin ayo#incredibox orin ayo#orin ayo kurt#incredibox#maletart#tragibox
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vampire bats share mouthfuls of blood to other bats they’re close to if they weren’t able to feed and now i need old vampire!ghost sharing a bloody kiss with fledgling!soap, giving him mouthfuls of blood bc his fresh fangs are too sensitive to bite with
it’s been so long since he was turned that ghost’s forgotten the deep ache that comes with growing fangs and he almost worries when johnny goes to bite into the meal he’s brought him only to whimper and pull back; only the slightest pinpricks of a bite left in the man’s neck, barely enough to bring blood to the surface
it’s only when johnny whines and massages at his gums that ghost realises his oversight; crooning at his sweet mate in reassurance. he’s not upset that he couldn’t feed, at the unintentional rejection of his offering. he’ll make the pain stop
ghost pulls the man to his mouth and sinks in his fangs, sucking in a heavy mouthful and drops the now paralysed prey back to his feet; his throat steadily gushing with blood and spilling over his body
he cups johnny’s face, looking into his eyes, teary with pain and hunger, and purses his lips to carefully drip the blood into his mouth. the pain immediately vanishes from his eyes, replaced with pure bliss as he opens his mouth wide; curling his tongue to catch every drop. ghost presses his mouth to his in a hungry, blood-filled kiss; tongues twining together as they share the taste
johnny sucks the last of it from his lips and ghost guides him down to lap at the prey’s neck; licking up the blood he was too weak to draw himself. he’s ravenous with it, his whole face covered in red as he licks up the spill and suckles at ghost’s bite
ghost’s filled with an overwhelming pride at having provided for his mate in an even deeper way than just hunting for him. he spilled the blood johnny’s drinking; fed him in the most intimate way their kind knows and he’ll do it a hundred times over for his love
#pet peeve time i hate the vampire ‘licks a bite to stop it bleeding’ trope bc it biologically doesn’t make sense#if anything a vampire’s saliva would have an anticoagulant effect to /stop/ a bit from clotting so they can drink more#anyway back to bloody kisses lmao#thinking about the actual biological difference between humans and vampires and how much it would /hurt/ to grow a pair of fangs#like the human mouth isnt meant to have teeth that big or muscles strong enough to to support them#or the increased bite force they need#so not only are they growing new teeth theyre also growing bigger muscles and their mouths are having to adapt to them#that would cause so much pain#you ever grown in a wisdom tooth? it sucks and that nowhere near this level#on top of all that youre also starving and have an unquenchable need to feed#the intimacy of a sire feeding their fledgling from their own mouths#weaning them off their blood but still so dependent on them#and even after johnny can bite and feed on his own he still craves the closeness of being fed from ghosts mouth#and ghost never denies him#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#soapghost#ghostsoap#ghoap#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#john soap mactavish#soap cod#save post#we’re a team. ghost team
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somewhere gentle
#WAS LOOKING AT STUFF AND JUST REALIZED I NEVER POSTED THIS ONE ??????? i cant believe i forgot i liked it a lot#steelheart redux#my art#sparks art#willow jackson#mercury#my ocs#steelheart redux spoilers#vaguely#these two have been in my brain unstoppably#unfortunately i cant post like any of the doodles i do anymore bc its all fat blatant spoilers </3#gonna go sift and see what i can post im sorry ive been starving you my followers
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dissassembly
#pasqal haneumann#warhammer rogue trader#pasqal rogue trader#ive really been struggling to be creative so glad i could do this one#i keep wanting to draw his augments in new and fun ways okay its enrichment for me#random fun fact#i had to go to a&e sunday night and i had to go on a nebuliser and let me tell you. even feeling a little oxygen starved i was being a nerd#it even had little vents at the top where every time i exhaled the vapour bloomed out. just like his portrait art.#im all good btw it was just an asthma thing but yeah. pasqal irl moment. i stole his respirator
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one of the things i'm most disappointed about is that da:tv will sell well. it's been designed to bring as much new players in as possible, and apparently a lot of people disappointed in it will still buy it on launch day. and ea will keep producing absolute steaming garbage with some ip slapped onto it just because it sells. theyre treating the series with as much respect as netflix originals with their medias.
#dragon age critical#like yeah sure whatever i get buying it on launch if youre a dragon age fan and starving for content#but i was there when andromeda was released#and while i think its a good game but a bad mass effect game. it was complete shit at launch.#but its ea so they can make anything and people will still buy it#im sorry im just. very exhausted by all this.#it hurts to see the game closest to my heart go to this#you guys know ive always been very ''inquisition is a good game but a bad dragon age game'' and going off about#this and that that i dont like about it bc it doesnt feel like a dragon age game anymore#with how you have little choice over many things and no character flavor and it frames things like cullens past and#well a fucking inquisition and claiming land in a way that makes me extremely uncomfortable#well. i didnt think ea could disappoint me more with any dragom age thing anymore#im still thinking about ppl behing veilguard not knowing who zevran is#idk im just heartbroken even though this is exactly what i expected#leevi liveblogs
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I need to be weirder about the scavengers and cannibalism...
#its been a long day... but im feeling better now. (thanks for the well wishes and such btw <3-)#(-sending my well wishes in return by tenfold bcs. damn. it seems stuff is really going around rn)#but yeah... just. augh. theres just smth about how the scavs sorta translate into more like. thriller-esque genres pretty well?#like. i feel somehow those themes compliment their characteristics? or could compliment their characteristics in a more rounded out way#sure. theyre generally a light hearted romp of absurdity with occasional themes of a not good not bad handling of 'mental health matters'#but they just really shine a bit in horrific circumstances. esp with the sort of absurdity they bring to the table#theyre odd people. even in the context of their generally weird and alien universe. and that right there feels like a trove of potential#its like. ok. the lost light crew? also odd. but thats a huge ship. full of people and variety and a sense of purpose and normalcy post-war#(normalcy being. whatever all those background folks were getting up too while plot happened around them. cruise ship stuff ig)#but in contrast. with the w.a.p crew. its an ark class ship with like. a handful of people. and a whole lot of junk and free time#both just cruising through space endlessly for years. one with hundreds of people. and one with like 6 people.#so both are technically isolated when theyre not making pit-stops planet or station side. but again. 100s vs 6 dudes.#think. top of the line cruise ship from hell with a small town sized populace vs a big shitty boat and 6 starving guys#both have the capacity to become case studies in madness. both could do really well thriller wise. but the scavs being a smaller group?#it only being the 6 of them emphasis the isolation perhaps. less variety. less change. same 6 people for 5(?) years#things could get weird fast. codependent mentalities. us vs them mindsets. an otherness about everyone else outside of their group#and then! then you add to the mix the fact that theyre eating/drinking from corpses?! *chefs kiss* awesome. love it.#non-stationary isolation + cannibalism. ough. perfect mix. a classic of maritime horror but in space! :D!#a big ship. small crew. living while knowing that as soon as you kick the bucket. your body is the meal. your body is the fuel.#no decorum about it. no faith. no belief. just perverse survival. bcs they might enjoy it. a bloody gluttony. with a bite. a sample. a taste#it takes seeing your buddy as a walking talking burger to another level. bcs every corpse you come across is also a burger. and a gas can#also fulcrum making candy out of corpses is so. particularly perfect when it comes to the horrifically absurd. just. smth about it. idk#but also also. the line. where was the line drawn for each of them? and when did they each cross it?#most of them dont seem like the type to jump head first into that. so how did they justify it to themselves? had they done it before?#and then. when did it become normal? a habit? smth enjoyable?#i might be running out of tags. but yeah. them being weirder. esp about each other and others.#nothing brings a group of people together like the overhanging knowledge that you sort of kinda wanna eat each other#(rlly wishing i could stomach realistic thrillers rn. but i just cant. gotta stick to written or artistic styles or risk panic attacks :/)#(ive tried a couple movies and shows now. and cant get through most of them. praise be synopses and peoples long rambles about them tho :D)#(nothing like reading someones passionate ramble about the meaning/symbolism of some gory nightmare without having to actually see it lol)
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the worms are eating my brain ( ´_ゝ`)
i physically cannot stop drawing this guy there's like 3 wips i'm working on send help
#guys is this anything ive been staring at it for too long and now i cant tell if it lowkey sucks or not#idk but here you go semi eita enjoyers ik youre all starving because so am i#haikyuu!!#haikyuu#semi eita#hq fanart#hq art#haikyuu fanart#my art
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rehyperfixating on a children’s game that came out in 2015, is one of the least popular entries in its series, and has minimal content, the vast majority of which i’ve seen before. the series has been dead for nearly 10 years, nothing has happened recently that would warrant anyone’s returning interest in it, very few of my friends give a shit about this specific game, and those few who played and liked it in the past have no reason to give a shit about it at all right now. i have been coasting through on a playthrough i’ve been doing with a friend who’d never seen the game before and who was kind enough to let me show it to them, but we just beat the game, and after we play the epilogue we will have nothing left to do, and on top of that they really have just been humoring me as they have their own very strong current hyperfixation they would much rather be thinking about. also i am depressed enough right now that literally nothing else except for waiting to play this game with them and playing this game with them and watching them enjoy it at least a little has been able to briefly quiet the constant cacophony in my head screaming how much of a worthless, lazy, constantly-failing miserable excuse for a living person i am and how much better everything would be, especially for myself, if i stopped existing lately. would anyone like to volunteer to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ because i would really like for someone to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ right now
#me.txt#delete ltr#and i like hearing my friends talk about and show me their interests but it isnt enoughhhh its not enough right now to make my head SHUT UP#right now the only thing that can give me energy is a hyperfixation like this#but with enough content and engagement from others to keep subsisting me without hitting a wall#SOMETHING THAT IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO DO WHEN YOU CANNOT DRAW OR WRITE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#BECAUSE WHEN NOBODY IS MAKING ANYTHING!!!!! AND YOU CANT MAKE ANYTHING FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!! ALL YOU CAN DO IS CURL UP AND STARVE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼#immmm so sick of the only thing that makes being alive feel worth it being hyperfixations theres nothing REAL tying me down i cant stand it#because i am!! too broken!!!! to ever achieve any of the things that WOULD give me a real solid tangible reason to keep living!!!!!!#like a stable job!!!! a place of my own!!! a partner whos dedicated to me above everyone else and me to them in return!!!!!!!#a LIFE that isnt just constantly failing over and over and waiting for the shoe to drop and to lose everything all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!#i dont have that!!! and i cant have that!!!!! because im too broken to be able to cultivate and maintain it!!!!!#and the only way. to fix myself enough to be able to do so.#would be to HAVE ENOUGH STABILITY THAT ID HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY TO PUT INTO FIXING MYSELF AND HEALING#i cant fix myself without stability and freedom. and i cant get stability and freedom unless i’m fixed#so it is. literally impossible!!!!!!!#impossible to create my own concrete solid reason to be here.#impossible for me to even create anything to feed the fixations that are my backup reasons.#theres nothing!! nothing!!! i have nothing new to leap to and ive been dwindling for too long and i think i am about to drown#im just waiting for time to tick out. for me to fuck up too badly to come back from one last time and get found out and punished.#and then? theres nothing left. theres literally nothing else left for me
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turns out how not to be deficient in fat in your diet is to stop eating only low fat versions of foods
#i was scared of being hungry unfortunately and didnt want to change my diet to more calorie dense stuff out of fear of like hunger related#mood swings which i get badly now which i didnt used to which is awesome i totally love feeling like a half starved half mad dog if my lunc#is like half an hour late#i will not eat like regular ice cream but y'know. cheeses. yogurt thats abt it i eat the same 9 ingredients in rotation#apples cauliflower cottage cheese cabbage sardines carrots broccoli tomatoes uhhhh monster energy drinks#i mean other stuff too sometimes but those r the staples#if i could go raw vegan without dying i probably would just bcs its easier#that list is kind of pathetic and depressing but idk man what's a guy to do#i do worry about it not being varied enough and missing micronutrients and stuff but like yknow ive always been a very unadventurous eater#eating the same things day in day out years on end and ive always been like fine lol it's just a less heavy carb selection these days which#like im pretty sure all that you need xyz amount of grains a day is a total psyop by the corn and wheat us subsidies i don't think you need#that shit just like how you dont need milk.
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#personal#thinking about how the phrase treat others how you want to be treated is actually incredibly one way#unless damn near every person ive ever met wants to be treated like shit which i cant imagine is true#like idk i spent a lot of my time giving my energy to people. and ill never feel bad for putting love and kindness out into the world#but i gave some of these people everything i had. or not everything that would diminish me but everything i could spare for them at the time#i treated them attentively and considerately and tenderly and lovingly#and that kindness has not been extended back to me by most of these people#some of them have surely in their own 'love language' and im grateful for these people in my life#but most of the people ive treated with intentional care have actively and on purpose caused me a lot of emotional harm#which again. im working through and like karma will get them without me needing to be there or whatever while i do my own healing#but regardless i still think some of that shit should not have happened like it did#i dont understand how everyone can say to me treat others how youd like to be treated but not tell me the caveat#that they will not treat me the way i want to be treated even if i put in that effort for them/for our friendship or relationship or whatevr#like idk im a bitch for asking you to leave me alone when ive been vomiting for two days straight but you can straightup sexually misconduct#with my body and then when i write poetry about it and share my feelings instead of leaving and taking that information anywhere helpful#you get to decode youre traumatized actually and im still a bitch for bringing it up?#make it make sense#'treat others the way you want to be treated' so youd like it if i starved you and verbally insulted and gaslight and manipulated you? no?#then what the fuck is the point of you saying that to me???#idk im just fucking pissed rn that. idk what im pissed at. cause again i know im no contact with all of these people now and their#shitty justice will find its way to them. and i cant be mad at myself for saddling with the wrong people cause some of that was my choices#and some of it was blood i couldnt escape for a long time. and i said i dont want to regret or resent#putting love out to the world#but i am still angry that so much of me was given to the wrong people. that these people just chose to completely ignore#the level of respect and patience and kindness i showed them#idk dudes im just angry. 'treat others the way you want to be treated' fuck off thats some quiet manipulation bullshit to get me to be#nicer to you even as you abuse the self-worth outta me fuck off fuck you#i found it again. you cant bury it im too full of love to not love myself too but it hurts how hard they tried for so long#'treat others the way you want to be treated' how bout no. how bout i treat everyone with a base level of kindness#and when youve shown me that you will treat me the way i deserve to be treated then ill fucking play niceys back
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ghost having absolutely no self esteem until he joins the military and pinning his self-worth on his performance in the field, seeing his only value as a weapon which only gets worse when he’s legally dead and all but owned by the military makes me want to eat glass
#just this kid who was abused and neglected#also tormented by his little brother who he tries to protect from their father#hed be so starved of everything praise kindness touch#then he becomes a soldier and gets approval from an authority figure for the first time#and the better he is in the field the more reckless and ruthless the more praise he gets#he takes that confidence home#kicks out his abusive father gets his brother clean sees him make his own family and finally gets a crumb of happiness#then roba happens and he loses everyone hes ever loved in one fell swoop#and he kills simon riley right along with them#all he has left is the military#so he leaves behind his humanity and becomes an extension of the army#and theres no more praise no more approval bc you dont tell a gun its done a good job#until he joins the 141#and they slowly unearth simon riley from the grave#and they like him for who he is not what he can do for them#not who he can kill#and for the first time in his life he feels valued for who he is#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#soapghost#ghostsoap#we’re a team. ghost team
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I'm shy but you're one of my favorite people that I follow on this app. You're so funny and I wish I could be half as clever as you. You've introduced me to a lot of interesting people and ideas! Just wanted to pass on some appreciation on this Saturday night. Hope you're having a good time 🥰
THIS IS SO SWEET, HELLO????
#TH ANKY YOU ??????? OMG 😭😭😭 SHUT UPPP!!!!!!!!#srry the reply was a little late 😭 i literally dont know how to respond appropriately to compliments#IT'S JUST SO NEW TO ME 😭😭 LIKE OMG... URE SRS???#im gonna weep#u are so sweet anon ARGHHHH i put you in my mouth and carry you to safety like a mama gator#'clever' DHUT UPPPPP 😭😭😭😭😭😭#being called smart is like being called pretty to me like omg stopp haha What Exactly Do You Think Is Smart About Me 😼#I LOVE BEING CALLED SMART HEEHEE THANK UUU OMG#being called the stupid friend in all my friend groups has made me a little starved of smartness im afraid#IM SO HAPPY IVE BEEN A WORTHWHILE GATEWAY TO NEW PPL AND IDEAS!!!!#it's such a delightful and sometimes surprising quality abt sharing media!!!#THATS SO COOL TO ME#i hope u continue to find appreciation not just in my blog but wherever u go in life <33#AND U BETTER BE APPRECIATED WHEREVER U GO TOO!!!!!!!#or ELSE !!#i#ted#will Be there 😾...#SRS THO THANK U THIS WAS VERY SWEET OF U 😭😭#ted tumbunity things
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I need to stop sleeping all day its giving me wild as fuck dreams
#literally had a dream that i was a 14yr old mexican boy who was kidnapped by a crime boss and worked for him#making my way up the ladders until i was his right hand man#until one day i got in an accident and the paramedic who found me stuck by me while the cops questioned me#bc like who is this kid why is he so malnourished who is meant to tale care of you#and then they were restraining me in the back of an ambulance and i was crying and trying to breathe my way out of a panic#attack and then managed to calm down and the paramedic (who looked like that guy from disco elysium. the one you play as)#started asking me questions about my life and i talked about how johnny was in charge and he wore half a black rabbit mask but upside down#so the singular ear ran down his throat. and i talked about other thing idk but then CRASH the ambulance is suddenly gone#(OH I REMEMBER. i talked about how there were these women (prostitutes) who were nice to me and would give me food and drink#that i wasnt supposed to have and they wouldnt let me drink what the men were having but thats okay it tasted nasty anyway#and how on my last mission i was shot in the leg and it delayed me a day and johnny punished me by locking me up#and i couldnt leave and i nearly starved to death that week but the women snuck me small amounts of food and drink#even tho they would have been killed if they were caught. anyway that was like two weeks ago and my leg still hadnt healed)#im tied up under the clothesline at the top of the stairs of my irl house while the paramedic is tied to a chair by the front door#johnny comes in and starts asking questions but upon receiving no answers he grabs a metal bat and breaks the paramedics knee#and im just crying and screaming for it all to stop scared out of my life and johnny asks if i want the beating instead#and the paramedic says “dont you lay a finger on him. (name) look away i dont want you seeing this”#and then johnny starts torturing him amd all i hear is his screams even tho im blocking my ears and squeezing my eyes shut#and then im in johnnys room three years later and hes turned me into a dog but also an axolotl and ive forgotten my human roots#....like literally what the FUCK was that????#moss' madness#its called vague posting FOR A REASON
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It is always so hard to recover the default settings of my brain after someone had already fiddled with them.
I live completely settled and accepting that nothing in my life will ever get better. That Russia will just keep getting digged deeper and deeper into its grave and I'll never be able to leave it (I am poor, nor I have qualifications important enough). That I'll just die here, and alone, and unloved, and very soon after my mom passes away because I can't fully care for myself. That everything will just keep getting worse, that I'll never reach the civilized world, that I'll always struggle with money for as much as food, that nobody will want to be my family.
But I accepted it, there is no need to worry too much if nothing can be changed. So it hurts even stronger when some asshole crawls back, telling me that he can't have a future without me, how much he wants to take me out of this mess and give me better life, how he has money to buy everything he ever wanted but it all means nothing if he can't buy me gifts and see places with me and meet holidays with me. How he just wanted to have a family at last in his life and only saw me as such - not because I was the only one who would accept, but because he only liked me. Because in the end I dropped my guard and felt hope. My brain completely rebuilt my concept of life and future from "dying alone, cold, unloved and pretty soon" to imagining doing everything there is to do in life together with someone I love.
But apparently he got too scared and uncomfortable with how fixated I became on meeting irl already, since I kept asking him about it? Of course I was impatient! I could not wait to take walks in the places he showed me together, and let him teach me how to cook, and watch all the shows he wanted me to show together, and do house stuff like picking furniture, cosplaying, decorating for holidays, taking care of pets, having long talks before falling asleep etc.. Yet he thought that was cringe and it made me sound "obsessive and entitled" and he went all "woah chill, you should be more HUMBLE and grateful for the OFFER, actually I was not in my right mind when I offered you, I am not really that desperate for you so why can't you just visit me once in a while for holidays or something :)"
youtube
And I just can't rebuild myself back to how I used to be right away. The vision of a better future became so apparent, so integral for my thoughts and feelings every day, that I kind of lost the idea. Like walking out of a house only for the door to lock itself behind me, so I can't even walk back in and am stuck outside.
I feel like my life just tries to teach me that I can't be loved or wanted. Why else I keep facing betrayals? Because it should be apparent that if something sounds too good to be true - then it IS.
#/vent#personal#not the first time when someone gets weirded out by how... intense i get when i trust someone#it is hard to actually earn my trust despite me acting friendly and talkative#i am like... clinically paranoid. i am always prepared that my 'buddies' secretly hate me#or that they will leave very abruptly#thats why i become too clingy once my trust is earned - because i am so starved for feeling it#but he like... provoked it. this is different#empty promises and undecisiveness are such a turn off#sorry if this is incoherent ive been crying all day#i guess no one can handle facing the 'real' kat. even those that crawl back begging to see it.#i should just stay repressed and with my shell wearing me instead of me wearing it#look people.. just stop being too nice to me. stop acting like you really love me.#it is clear that whatever is under my shell makes everyone uncomfortable.#that i feel 'too' much and love 'too' much as soon as i feel worthy enough#i guess feeling worthless is the only way for me to not push someone away.#Youtube
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The edge schedule continues :>
maybe ill draw him happy next week
no promises
#library of ruina#project moon#lor#roland lor#roland#hes so sadge :<#i will hug him better#anyway uhhhhh#the hands look like Them from dont starve and im all for it#also if youre curious its inspired by the iNSaNiTY cover by Meltberry#i like edgy music ok?#ive been listening to it since i can remember#anyway#off i goooooooo#go eat a cookie you did good today
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Quick question for the community, how would you feel if tgc made a sky visual novel using the spirits?
#sky cotl#skyblr#calling krills#idk ive been thinking about it a lot cuz i love the spirits and wanna know more about them#idk how it would take place tho#you could either play as a sky kid who talks to all the spirits#or youd play as an ancestor back before everything went to shit#either way im hungry for spirit lore om fucking starving for spirit lore#<<<<< is only refrencing stealthy survivor when they say this
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