#ive been reading a lot lately lmao
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Raihn Ashraj
#raihn#raihn ashraj#the serpent and the wings of night#the ashes and the star cursed king#i love him so much hes my fave#<3#doodle.#ive been reading a lot lately lmao
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green beetle black beetle
#star wars#the original trilogy#boba fett#darth vader#hi. sorry for star war jumpscare. genuinely#i feel like ive kinda been on an art hiatus lately due to health stuff#i got diagnosed with a parathyroid disease recently (wahoo) so now i know why i have been feeling so bad! need more tests though#anyway. in the mean time most of the entertainment my brain can handle has been like. youtube clip compilations of shows and movies#not even the actual shows or movies. literally just sections of them on youtube#i wish i was joking#the only reason i know what happens in succession is because i have watched it in disjointed order in youtube compilations. not joking#anyway so ive learned a lot more about star wars than i ever. thought i would#mostly just the original trilogy and prequels. some of the old comics & books are interesting too#(sick to my stomach) i like darth vader he has like the same personality as ganondorf except he had no good reason for doing anything#when vader/anakin does literally anything weird or unacceptable it like. makes me laugh so hard its like jerma when he sees a car accident#boba fett’s costume design has been rotating in my head a lot too it’s very good#he’s very colorful and like. matte/unpolished compared to vader and it makes them a cool duo visually#those 2 are my favorites. vader why is the space cowboy the only person aside from sidious or tarkin who is allowed to get mad at you#sidious is my 3rd favorite. he sucks so bad as like a person that you just. you have no expectations of him except just being evil#so its just really funny like everything he does is horrible and he’s so happy all the time like good for him#i’m making it sound like ive never seen star wars before. i have i just never really cared about it until i got an endocrine disorder lmao#but yeah idk art may continue to be slow while im figuring out treatment stuff#if anyone reading this also has or has had hyperparathyroidism im wishing the strength & radiance of 1000 beautiful horses upon you
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Body hurts and brain 2 fuzzy to draw so y'all know what that means ( go to bed early time)
#been going to bed early a lot lately#but to be fair ive had body pain like every day ;-;#i think its cause Im working a lot more than usual#like 4 days a week#haha#this week is gonna be really really really stressful#yayyyy#anyway big boss comes to our store on Tuesdat#i hope i get fired itd be so funny#for what? idk#i just think itd be funny#also this isnt meant to be a vent sorry#im just writing it down cause i sometimes forget#which makes it hard for me to want to go ti the doctor#cause my pain varies a lot and when im imaginging the convo id have with the doctor#theres a lot of 'i dont remember the pain level or the area '#cause i have memory issues#and also cause it changes day to day#lately its been hands and arms which is a nice change from knees and legs!!#so yay for that!#those still hurt but im p sure thats just from standing all day at work lmao#anyway gn#done rambling#if youve read this far im sorry
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okay claudia is my fav yes but also? I LOVE daniel molloy both as a character and just how his character moves in the narrative and by moves in the narrative I mean interrupts the narrative that louis is telling. louis who has had decades to ruminate on his story and history and so much time to declare this is love and make sure to remember this detail but decided before daniel got here what would be kept out of the story. and i love that daniel is unafraid to stare the devil in the eye and call bullshit. to interject and remind him, once again, that louis can craft his story as carefully as possible but maybe this wasn't a murder, but a mercy. questioning why else wouldn't you finish the job, burn the corpse, truly wipe your hands clean of lestat?
#i lost the end of this thought but god i love it#also ive been thinking a lot about jsut. journalism in general lately and the skill of it#(read a very good article of an interview w a tradwife last night and so my brain was ready to tbink abt this lmao)#anyway. damn#blue watches iwtv#finished s1!!!!
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on repeat; shuffle your "on repeat" playlist and list the first 10 songs
i was tagged by @gwynbleidd - thanks!!! tagging @malefiicarum @padawankestis @carrionsflower @elvves @cptcassian @shadowglens @faerune & anyone else who wants to :-)
deja vu - olivia rodrigo
murder on the dancfloor - sophie ellis-bextor
cobra - megan thee stallion
ftcu - nicki minaj (high heels ON my tippies 💅)
perfect (exceeder) - mason, princess superstar
in your love - tyler childers (i'll wait for you till the sun turns into ashes?? HELLO??)
lovin on me - jack harlow
angels in tibet - amaarae
one of your girls - troy sivan
just another girl - the killers
#pls note i did cheat BIG time LMAO#that is to say ik a few songs ive listened to like 80 times so i am hand selecting a few <3#ive been listening to a lot of instrumental music lately while reading but i listen to the same playlist#so it's made my on repeat a bunch of random piano songs#they're nice but noooo i want to share lyrical songs lol
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unlimited genocide on the first world.
#this was in response to contrapoints (now deleted lmao) tweet fawning over obama#i had to find it again because 'lil droneski missions' has been giving me the most intense psychic damage all day#so i must pass it on to you all here sorryyyyyyyyyyy#the triangle watermelon and palestinian flag (& huh curious what double lightening emojiis are code for 🤨) in their handle... beyond saving#freaks like this are turning me into a jdpon maoist more and more each day#(only sort of being cheeky. ive been reading a lot about different third worldist tendencies lately & it's been quite interesting.)#marxism-leninism-juche-jamahiriya-mao zedong thought
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lowk hyperfixating on pjo rn
#so if u see me posting/rbing a lot(?) abt it Well. Yeag#its just on the brain bc ive been reading ittt. We'll (by we i mean me) be back to fnafposting soon. ish.#still super into fnaf no matter what lmao i js havent been thinking ab it as much lately. i blame the new information drought /silly#cam.txt#idk what my point is here. whatever its my blog i post what i want!! all the time forever 😋😋 whatevah whatevah i do what i want (/ref)
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it's 1am, I have to work early in the morning and I have to prepare for my Fairytales & Folklore class midterm
but right now i just wanna write a bunch of royalty au drabbles about the drama, spice, and romance of the Seeker/Vosinian royal court (including all of the starscream ships my heart can carry)
#maccadam#starscream#seeker culture#the elite trine#royalty au#skystar#megastar#altalks#i know nothing about how irl royalty actually works but#im obsessed with royalty aus and bodyguard aus and fairytale aus#and been very obsessed with seeker culture#and any ship involving starscream lmao#ive been binge reading a lot of royal!starscream/seeker-centric fics lately#(special shoutout to ninano on ao3#their fics hit so many of my soft spots#i also have a bodyguard!oc that i've shipped with starscream since last year and i wanna make a fic for them#GAH I NEED TO STUDY AND SLEEP BUT THE ROYALTY AU CALLS ME#also if anyone has fic recs with these tags pls hit me up :))
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do you ever watch something because you enjoy it? you always seem to be complaining about what you’re reading/watching, it sounds like such a joyless experience.
i do a lot actually! i went into this movie thinking i would really enjoy it lol. i consume a lot of things i enjoy but i also love to complain bc its fun for me
#asks#this is such a funny ask. sorry for being a serial complainer but also i get silly about it too often#off the top of my head- ive been enjoying dor.ohe.doro lately. i really enjoyed playing vol.foss for the months i was doing that. i enjoyed#reading bj a LOT when i did. loved plu.to and mons.ter. like i PROMISE i do lmao#like genuinely if this movie wasnt so... bad in a few select ways i think id enjoy it bc its a zombie movie and gory. those are both things#i enjoy a lot. like just bc i love being a hater doesnt mean i only consume things i hate...
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Next read! I'm excited for this one, as I've heard a lot of good things about Sayaka Murata.
#convenience store woman#sayaka murata#this book is a lot shorter than i thought which is a nice change bc ive been reading a lot of thicc books lately#also apologies for the lighting this was a lazy bedtime photo lmao
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ive inherited a copy of lolita from my parents (i.e. i stole it from the library in our basement and started treating it like its mine) with the 1989 vintage international cover and i think its actually not that bad. better than the 50th anniversary one with the lips anyway imo (which is the cover for the library ebook vers ive checked out).
like i think any cover that incorporates the "only convincing love story of our generation" quote anywhere kind of sucks on principle, and the fact that it features a photo of a girl at all really goes against nabakovs instructions, but compared to other covers that break those two rules, the haziness of the photo creates a really evocative atmosphere i feel matches the book more or less.
#im keeping most of my lolita thoughts to myself because i know it can be an uncomfortable book to talk about when#not intentionally trying to engage with it but. good lord ive highlighted a lot!#mostly stuff where H.H. is being a lying little bastard even in his narration#theres also this passage in ch14 after he um. 'stole the honey of a spasm' when dolores sat on his lap (not a fun passage to read lol!)#where he goes: What I had madly possessed was not she‚ but my own creation‚ another‚ fanciful Lolita—perhaps‚ more real than Lolita;#overlapping‚ encasing her; floating between me and her‚ and having no will‚ no consciousness—indeed‚ no life of her own.#(end quote. forgot quotation marks) which ohhhhh my god. subtlety is for losers lmao.#H.H. IS VERY VERY BAD AT MAKING HIMSELF LOOK GOOD DESPITE HIS BEST EFFORTS.#he claims he memorized charlottes confession of love perfectly and had conveyed in on paper perfectly#but also he completely skipped parts of it (including where she talks about her late son) and inserted the line:#'you would be a criminal--worse than a kidnapper who rapes a child.'#yes. im sure she said that. to the letter.#or when hes like i didnt marry charlotte with the intention to (extremely detailed grusome murder plan). but ill admit. i thought about it.#and then she oh so conveniently gets run over by a car when she discovers his journal. yeah. sure. right.#SORRY again i havent been Posting My Thoughts on it but i am having thoughts on it in general.#it really is a beautifully worded book though. its got great prose. makes the actions worse almost because its filtered through this#dreamy artistic self-justification. which - to go back to the original point of this post - i feel this cover conveys well LMAO#its so much better than the movies oh my god head in my hands#jumping between the most 2008 musical to ever exist‚ legally blonde fanfiction‚ and a controversial literary classic. im versatile.
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🦋
x. polite because no one deserves to be purposefully treated rudely. kind because kindness keeps a person gentle. sweet because making people smile is uplifting. helpful for the same reason. supportive because if you dont have anything nice to say, it's extremely easy not to say anything at all. above all, do unto others what you would have them do unto you.
o. polite because it's the best way to fade all the way into the background. kind because i'm too afraid to let myself be cruel. sweet because of overwhelming&pathetic desperation to make people happy. helpful because it's too exhausting to cause waves. supportive because other's goals are a great distraction from my own. above all, a smile makes the best camouflage as long as no one can ever see you sweat.
x. lonely+isolated because of mental+physical health restrictions. i miss people-- i miss being surprised, i miss relating to people on any level that isn't abject pain. i miss connection, communion, community.
o. alone+introspective because it pays off to be so. i don't miss people at all-- in fact it is a true sign of growth that it is not my knee-jerk reaction to say that i hate them for everything that (an admittedly small sampling of) people have done to me.
x. i am so terrified of communication at this point, &traumatized by Other People just in general, that i regularly shut my notifications off on everything because the sound of any form of notification ring that i recognize can literally kick off vicious panic attacks and send me running for dark corners, lmao. i am pathetic-- but i am a survivor.
o: i am charming, fun, &social to varying degrees dependent on the work. i am adaptable, everything from the center of attention to support staff with ease. smiling through blood in my mouth&talking to basically anyone for minutes to hours is child's play-- literally, since that is when i learned it.
x. pride over the skills i've developed over a lifetime of nonsense. made possible by mania, perhaps.
o. shame over the skills i've developed over a lifetime of nonsense. put off by disassociation, definitely.
x. i am kind and small and smiling and invisible. please just leave me alone. please don't even look at me, i literally cannot bear it, i just want to be alone again, please do not hurt me, i will do anything to make you happy if you just promise not to hurt me.
o. i am vicious and bloody and loud, and i will make you look at me, i will make you see me. i will give you a reason for that sneer, &i have no problem giving and taking blood in the process. my blood is worth so much less that i will win this no matter what-- i am braver than you could ever be because i have nothing that i'm afraid i'll lose.
x: i just want to make people smile.
o: i just want to never see another living person ever again.
x: like me, like me, like me. please just like me. i just want to be safe from abject hatred. i just want to be likeable. i can be anything, anyone-- it isn't like i want to keep all my parts, anyway, just tell me what i need to toss to be normal. just tell me what to chop off to be loveable.
o: i will give you every reason to fucking hate me if that is what's going to happen, anyway. i have spent a lifetime becoming who i am, usually against my will-- i can finally look in the mirror without flinching, &i won't let anyone take that away from me. you'll pry my forced self-acceptance out of my cold, dead hands.
x: i have been so lucky. i have been so fucking lucky. every single day i am reminded of all the many ways it could have been worse, things could have been worse, life could have been worse. i am so lucky. i owe the red string everything for letting me finally be someone i like sometimes.
o: i might have been lucky, but somehow i doubt anyone treating my gratitude or happiness like a red flag would be capable of living a day in my life-- or any singular one of the days i've lived thus far. but i can definitely give them a taste if that's what they need to wipe the snide looks off their faces. i'll hate myself after for giving in to the temptation, though. i always do.
x: there's good in everything. if you look for it, there will always be good somewhere. you just need to look. happiness is a conscious decision. kindness is a conscious decision. being a decent person is a perpetual and conscious decision.
o: there's bad in everything, too, and the second i see it, i cannot unsee it. or forgive it, usually. why is it so much easier to see how much people fucking suck?
x: i want perfection. practice, constant effort, dedication-- i need perfection, i'll get perfection. if i can't, what's the point? if there's not even the possibility, what is the fucking point? how am i supposed to live if i know my lifelong goal is&always has been unattainable?
o. perfection isn't an objective possibility. how many times&different ways do i need to fail at the impossible reality before it actually settles in. it isn't possible. i'm dedicating my life to an impossible pursuit. more specifically, i'm committing myself to eternal&constant punishment for failure. why, though. why am i like this.
x. i hate myself so much sometimes i feel like i might actually lose my mind.
o. i am so full of pride sometimes i feel like i might burst at the fucking seams with it all.
x. i am terrified that i'm not capable of living unless it's fighting uphill. who am i without the struggle? who am i past the trauma?
o. if fighting uphill is what made me what i am, what does it matter if i never lose the edge? why should it matter if i need the extra motivation? if i can handle it, why should the struggle be a bad thing?
#so my bipolar diagnosis has been a central theme in my life for the past couple months right.#&i have a really. specific. relationship w my diagnosis lmao. bc its not like i can pretend im not certifiable lmao#but like also this diagnosis up until i literally lost parts of my sanity over turbo had only ever been used for several types#of negligence lmao.#&bc its been a Conversation lately ive been having to reflect on how i feel about it more than i have in. years probably lmao.#&like my thing is i have trouble telling the difference between being an unstable person vs being a complex person.#idk. something something what is the self without the Other? something something tree falls in the woods&no one hears it ect ect.#something something what makes anything real in regards to things so abstract&subjective?#bc until someone actually has the balls to slice me open&test my brain chemistry to put me out of my misery its all just a debate lmao.#idk lots of polarizing thoughts lately maybe.#... as always i dont really have a trigger warning specific for anything but it feels relevant anyway.#........... my doc is gonna have a field day. i dont want new meds but i have a feeling an adjustment is coming soon. 🫠🫠🫠#on the plus side tho! i have successfully kept my weight up past 105lbs for a solid week. so. solid win in all my other med departments.#(... i just remembered i had a bf once who used to HATE reading all my ramblings lmao he said i talked way too much&it showed.#i'm so fucking happy we broke up before that could actually sink in enough to ruin my big fucking mouth LMAO)#(edit: my doc had a field day lmao.)
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standing in the kitchen doing daily training stuff with my dog thinking about how in iron age egypt someone probably specialized in training working dogs and we'll never know what they did or what their names were. but we know in places with large amounts of livestock bones theres also countless dog bones.
#tongue#i keep having these existential moments where i think about people#maybe its bc ive been reading and watching a lot of stuff about anthropology lately#but its so easy to look at paintings and releif carvings and just feel nothing#theyre so far removed from us#but rheyre still us#they loved and lost and were stupid and awful and loving and brilliant#and we loved dogs so much that we domesticated them likely before we were even homosapians#dogs look to our hands when we talk they bond with us like our own babies bond to us#theyre eager to learn and we knew that we could tell even when we dont speak the same language#dogs became more expressive because humans became like bonded to the canines that were#the ones that sat with their ears back and eyes trained on yours with a wagging tail got more people food#and now my dog is sitting here with his ears back all smooshed against my legs begging for my poptart#i love humans man im literally sitting here crying while typing LMAO#like i made a post forever ago on my old blog anout onfim and like#and you can tell neanderthal parents lifted their babies to the roofs of caves so they could paint something up there too#I GET LIKE THIS EVERY TIME I GET INTO ANTHROPOLOGY IM SORRY#PALEONTOLOGY ALWAYS LEADS ME BACK THERE BUT I LOVE DINODSURS MAN I CANT STOP MYSELF
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Vent journal time babeyyyy
#i think the big quote is by one of the gallagers but idk which lmao#from a 2017 copy of NME i remember it so vividly ???#the old gods sticker is by Rogue Prints Co#the eden quote is my writing from 2017 also from nme#the good mental health line was from another old magazine about toursim in the city i used to live in (from an article on gardening)#tapes from paperchase (rip)#help us lines are from an old leaflet on social care i found at work#if anyone cares about any of that lmao#ive been feeling A Lot lately#about a lot of different things#and i haven't worked through most of it and im not aboit to start right this minute since im in a good mood rn#but lately I've felt crushed and numb and empty#i haven't been enjoying anything#every day I've pushed myself to do things that are meant to be good#ive been on top of doing my teeth and washing my hair#writing my diary and my duolingo practice#washing my face and reading and going to bed before 1am and eating fruit and veg#but i just feel like shit#every day i spend time outside and i exercise and idk i just do “what youre supposed to do” to fix depression#tryna CBT myself and it's failing hard lmao#i feel happy for a while and it fades away and im miserable again#i smile at everyone and i eat properly and talk to people and go through the motions of geing a human who isn't#isn't trying to worry anyone about how numb they feel#im just very good at looking like im happy when i actually feel very indifferent#and like im fine i feel okay right now but just ugh can i skip to the bit where i feel emotions besides apathy again please lmao#anyway#chloe's diary#journal#scrapbook#vent post
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Watch "A Brief Look at Harry Potter" on YouTube
youtube
If you're feeling nostalgic for harry Potter watch this delightful breakdown of JKR's world done by a trans creator- seriously the breakdown of the politics of HP is brilliantly done. Watch it and let me know what you think of economagics 😂😂
#winters ramblings#i think lily put WAAAAY more thought into JKRs world than JKR#but this video is THOROUGH not jusy the books and movies but like EVERYTHING except the newest game obvs#also it is SO FUCKED that wizards deadass advocate for segregation from muggles like it starts lookin REAL WEIRD#when your series that already decided Slavery Was Awesome also decides to have its Main Trio advocate for segregation#honestly really makes you rethink how anyone thought JKR was progressive at all#like even when i read the books the first time- which was admittedly late at 18 the SPEW storyline felt Odd#like i kind of assumed that other house elves would slowly start making like Dobby and begin working for pay#like dobby was such a sympathetic character and instead we got whatever winky and kreatcher were#it felt so odd that LITERAL SLAVERY was apparently fine and dobby was some kindof aberration#like what the absolute fuck. lily talks lots about it watch the vid lmao#also been watching a lot of HP vids latetly probably because its topical to make videos about#but like go find your local trans creators and watch their HP videos#because honestly ive been a little HP nostalgic too. which is why i watched a 10 he vid breaking down HP world building lmao
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From a scale of 1 to "ritzy orphanage", what level of bullshit have you read today?
#speculation nation#saw in main tag an akechi take that was So fucking foul lmao#someone mad about how fandom largely likes to make goro and futaba friends bc they dont think she should have to forgive him#which like. fair. i can understand being put off by that.#but THEN. they start going off on how we dont see akechi's childhood so all we know it wasnt that bad#vs futaba's that we Did see how bad it was#& how ppl largely make it a thing with her forgiving him due to sympathy & his trauma getting more attention than hers#which i would agree with if it were just a matter of ppl belittling futaba's trauma in comparison to akechi's#but you DONT. HAVE TO SAY. HIS WASNT TRAUMATIC FOR THAT TO BE TRUE.#his mom literally KILLED HERSELF bc of shido. goro's anger at him is far more than 'daddy didnt pay enough attention to me 😢😢😢'#(direct quote there. them belittling his anger down to daddy issues. ugh.)#but the RICHEST thing is them saying that for all we know shido paid for akechi to live at a 'ritzy orphanage' like WHAT????#say you know nothing about the japanese alternative child care system without saying you know nothing about it#listen ive been researching this shit a lot lately. japan has one of the Worst child care systems in the world.#11% foster home rate. majority of children shunted into institutions that are overcrowded and underfunded.#and get the word i used. institution. not orphanage. everything ive read about it calls these places institutions.#they literally institutionalize children. and that in and of itself is a trauma. not having adults you can learn to actually depend on#bc that is their Job. they cycle out. majority of them do care but they just cant give the child the attention they need#and fucking. 'ritzy orphanage' literally WHAT??? in what fucking world would RITZY ORPHANAGE be something that exists???#paradoxical phrase. if a child has a parent to pay for them theyre not going to live in a fucking orphanage. what the Hell are you on#there was more to it but i honestly stopped reading i was so angry.#you dont need to belittle his trauma to say that futaba's matters. what the fuck.#and YES his revenge plot against shido is childish and poorly thought out. but thats bc he made this when he was Literally a child.#it's not just him throwing his life away on a whim bc of 'daddy issues'. what the Fuck.#anyways this person made me so mad i blocked them#for someone who claimed to love akechi u made the WORST fucking take ive seen on him in a while#absolutely fuming. 'ritzy orphanage.' thats some real bullshit#suicide ment/#also THIS ISNT EVEN TOUCHING on the problems within the institutions#ive run out of tags so i cant go into it. im just so fuckin pissed off lmao
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