#ive already lost one grandma

[cowplant-pizza]

i AM one of those bitches that is already excited for christmas im SORRY OK (no but seriously im kinda not???? let me enjoy my warm fuzzy feelings in peace ok ty)

[orcelito]

I'm tired of dreaming about my dad. I know it's part of processing, but I am just so tired.

[cconfusedkat]

another Shamura infodump just cuz ,,, yeahg ! :-]c

Since i always wanted to do this with one character i wanted to make a bunch of hcs with Shamura and regarding the effects of aging ,,,

To start , i want to explain like. The really terrible effects of stress and not being able to cope properly. My family history is often very vulernable to dying at younger rates because the inability to cope with stress which leads to heart conditions and/or strokes

My aunt died earlier than expected years ago, because she held so much stress in for 17 years she died at 30

Another one of my family members, my grandma, she used to be 6'1 ,, but due to her stressing shes lost that height and is now 5'3 , i dont rlly know how to explain how its possible but it definitely does happen (i used to be 5'7 , now im 5'3 due to stressing frequently)

Regarding Shamura and their stress of being alive so long / immortality as well as lacking the proper functions in their head to cope (since they now lack the cognitive functions in their brain to properly express their emotions or keeping things to themself etcetc) i sorta portrayed that based on someone i know ,, she too has brain damage as well as i do and its different for everyone ive come to notice ? But we're very similiar in the way of lacking words frequently and being unable to use our emotions in a proper way ? Im overly energetic at times and im not sure how to Not be that way

Nooow regarding my hcs with shamura,,, theyre the smallest eldritch form in game ,compared to their siblings, so i think its out of both loss of strength and. The amount of stress on their back

Truthfully thats the reason why i make them so short ,, as a child they used to be much taller (6'0 by far) as well as being thinner ,,, But when you age its often very common you put on weight

Basically theyre already the oldest of their family ,,,, So theyll have more different experiences unlike their siblings ,,,

And also lastly i wanted to project onto them a bit more regarding my identity :-] they also have PCOS (intersex condition) and by now theyll experience other things as they age ,,, The sad part is that they never had anyone to go to to ask whats normal and what isnt normal for them as they age ,,, Especially since they also happen to be the last one alive of their biological family left too 😭 they cant go to anyone ,,, But i mean they frequently get along with the elders of the cult so theyre happy to at least have an age range to interact with sometimes better ?

Okay yapfest over ,its just my excuse to project my shortness and mental illness onto them is what im getting at /silly

[independent-fics]

Inde Watches “The Card Game Job”

Leverage Redemption 1x06

I have a good feeling about the title of this one. Idk why. Vibes just give og leverage and I’m excited to see if the new team is finally getting their groove

Oh gosh nvm as someone who is also on necessary medications this beginning is oof. Thankfully I’m not as impacted by drug price gouging since I just have something more common but goodness I can’t imagine how people deal with more complicated treatments.

Not the c-span where am I my grandmas house

Me too Eliot

Wow from me too Eliot but I love the Statement Parker

Oo leverage title reference

They would never let that happen Breanna

Ahhh yes you Eliot and Parker (and the rest but I live for these in sync moments)

Can Parker help me get a job I need her here

Love the androgynous look and name/ vibe (? There’s a word I’m looking for and blanking) but loving Breanna’s character rn

You are a gift Sophie

I want a castle too Parker

Breanna are you flirting? Stay focused let’s go

I’m loving Breanna’s knowledge and finding a way into the con

Eliot getting flashbacks of Hardison’s geek spirals I can’t

Dang that group shot was hot

Eliot why you gotta kill her vibe we know you’re into it

I’m cracking up at Eliot’s reactions rn the second Sophie heard king or queen and perked up Eliot’s “oh god” made me laugh so hard

Flashbacks to the shell games they’ve pulled before

Once again loving Breanna’s character

Omgggggg Harry this is your moment

Why the accent Eliot what

BUT THE GLASSES how I’ve missed them

Now you make basketball references Eliot?

Frick coming back to Nate of course you can’t walk away Sophie none of them would

Ahhhh Breanna I love your art

Parker she’s trying to share with youuuu

I keep meaning to go to a Renfaire and I still haven’t

Eliot you literally love dress up Every time you have to do it (I love his “Sophie!” Tone hahaha )

Ooo Breanna I love youuuuu

Eliot get you butt out here we don’t want people disappearing

Sophie once again stunning. Eliot I love the fit too hahahaha

WHACKING HIM IN THE FACE HAHA

Of course Sophie is the mistress of poetry

Eliot wishes it was a horse he would love that

Breanna partially running(kinda) a con while also doing a card tournament is crazy I love her

Eliot I also love you hahahaha

Oo swords he can do

I’m loving all the people at this fair

Eliot you’re such a show off I swear

Is the lady of the lake a Librarians reference for Beth

Honestly favorite moment between Parker and Harry so far

OOF BREANNA VS THE MARK

The poor beat up knights haha

Okay Eliot I too can’t wait to see if Sophie knows this one too

ELIOT HAVING SHAKESPEARE FLASHBACKS IM SCREAMING

This man looks tired

That breeze on Sophie was a paid actor

Honestly beautiful sonnet and clue

OH WHAT A SLAY OF A REVEAL

Me too Harry when Eliot fights like that

Goodness my heart Breanna

THE PRIDE ON THE OTHERS FACES AT HER SPEECH AHHH

HE GAVE HER THE CARD

“Ive already lost six cool points just by hanging with you guys tonight” Eliot with that statement alone believe me the cool points were already gone who says cool points hahaha

Once again his grumbling giving me flashbacks to his preferences for games with “skill” then ending up liking it anyways but never wanting to say so

[quodekash]

fifteen minutes left of the episode. how long will it take me to watch 15 minutes? let's find out

shake of friendshipppp

VERY different to the shake of PURE sexual tension we got from guynava in ep5

this one is FRIENDSHIP

and I LOVE FRIENDSHIP

(altho I do also love sexual tension)

you can't stop staring at him

well frick

either he's really clumsy, or that absolutely SHOULD be a foul and yellow team SUCKS

YES

FRIENDSHIP

PLATONIC HAPPINESS COMING RIGHT UP

THEY DID THE DUDEBRO HANDCLAP BACK PAT THING

I PERSONALLY LOVE THIS

the commentator is so valid and so is the guy recording him lmao

I am both of them

(but not in the context of sport, I never know what's going on in sport)

BSHDBFHJVSADVBG

AGAIN????

IM LOSING IT

THIS IS LIKE EXACTLY THE SAME AS LAST EPISODE

how funny would it be if he misses

LMAO

sorry I care so little about sport that this is downright hilarious to me

he MISSED

ITS SO FUNNY

I love him and hes gonna be so disappointed in himself for ages and stuff. buT LIKE. HE MISSED. I MEAN CMON YOU GOTTA ADMIT ITS FUNNY

HERE COMES THE SCENE HERE COMES THE SCENE HERE COMES THE SCENE GHEKRBGJREBAAAAAAAA

(here comes the scene, doo-doo-do-do)

PFFFFT

GEU4KJRWLGNOREL

HES RIGHT YOU KNOW

oH MY-

I SAID THE SAME THING

AGES AGO I SAID THE SAME THING

AND IT REMINDS ME OF SOUNDWIN

AND THEY FULLY JUST PULLED THE SOUNDWIN LINE RIGHT THERE

CMON MAN IM GONNA LOSE MY MIND EVEN MORE THAN IVE ALREADY LOST IT

BUT YEAH

BASICALLY IM AWESOME

I love him

also I love how short auto is

it makes me feel represented

(even though im pretty sure he's still taller than me. bUT LIKE BY 2 CENTIMETRES I MEAN COME ON)

KICKING MY FEET SHOUTING SCREAMING

THISSCENETHISSCENETHISSCENEAAAAAGOIEGOPIJBE4RIOGJB4OEIB

here it is. prepare for me to explode bc when soundwin did this it killed me and I know its gonna do the same thing when they do it

EIOJGHVNOWIEPLSJDGVNIOERJLDSKGHVNOEIDS

THEIR SMILESSSSSS

GJIKERBGJREB IM SOBBING

HE FOOLED HIM A G A I N

KANG YOU IDIOT I LOVE YOU

bitches be stimming so hard rn

(its me. im bitches)

THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME

IM SO TOTALLY NORMAL ABOUT THEM

IM LOSING IT

AAAAAAAAYUTKFUGUYUIGYDTUYE56RDTYCGUHIBHYTRF87YGUIHTTFUYGTGYIFUYIGUYHVIUHJGIUGFTYUR4E56URFTYUKVG

A

AA

idk bout you, but I happen to be an avid lover of all things cheesy and corny, so im having a SPECTACULAR time rn

PLS I LOVE HIM

several days later????

ITS STILL GOING??????

oml I ran out of images. again. but there's like one minute left so you're just gonna have to imagine the screenshots

[grandma in the car]

SHES BACK!!!

[kang's shoes]

oml kang's platforms I love them

[grandma saying 'and I also have a new caretaker']

ah frick it better not be who I think it is

[saifah's evil little grin]

YUP

AH FRICK

MR THIEF ROBBERY MAN IS HERE TO ROB SOME RICH PEOPLE AND GET ARRESTED AND MAYBE SHOOT KANG'S DAD

I mean fair enough. but also cmon man

[grandma saying 'he'll be taking care of me at this house from now on']

come on man

now saifah's gonna be annoying when sailom and kang want to be gay and in love

cos im guessing saifah and grandma aren't leaving the house much

I guess kangsailom will have to go to sailom's house or just not be in the mansion or smth

its so convenient having a mansion thooooo

come on saifah, youre ruining all the gay little plans I had made up in my head

YEEEE SO MUCH HAPPY FLUFFY COMFORT COMING OUR WAY NEXT WEEK IM SO EXCITED

as for today: comfort episode, unlocked

and for those who were curious, it took me 45 minutes to watch the last 15 minutes of this episode

its 2:30am. the episode came out 3 hours ago. what the hell is wrong with me.

[apotheoseity]

honestly it doesnt ever end. like. the suffering i mean. no matter what i do i will always be suffering. no matter what people say or do i will always suffer and theres no escape from it. i will always suffer and fail and be considereed lesser than people. im barely a person honestly im just a vessel for the universe to project pain and suffering onto. and thats fine i guess. one day i'll die and none of it will really matter anymore. at least then i wont exist at the whims of untreated mental illness. my paranoia has been so bad recently too. i keep flinching at shadows and thinking theres bugs crawling just in the corner of my vision. i dont have any doubts that ill never amount to anything especially not with how i keep getting worse . i was already doing badly and then one minor tragedy happens and it brings it to a point where i haven't been able to do a single assignment to class and every day i want to fake my own death and run away from everyone ive ever known. i get retraumatized over and over again -- death and suffering and health scares and suicide attempts. when will it end? when will it end? i keep getting angry about things i cant change. things so far out of my control i cant even hope to try and affect it. like watching a car crash in slow motion but im also in the car and getting hit by the car. when will it end? i just want to feel okay again. i just want to be stable again. i miss my grandma and my dad and everyone who leaves me behind. i miss feeling like myself and not like a hodgepodge of shattered glass. i miss being able to sit in a room with people and not being terrified that they'll be thankful when i leave the room. it feels like everythign is always crumbling beneath me and it feels like nobody ever understands me and everything gets lost in translation. i exist behind a sheer screen from other people . on a different plane. i feel like a sick dog or a wilting plant. when will it end?

[pearlzier]

since we're sharing stories, this isn't multiple. this is one fat ass story.

for context, let's call the girls involved t, b, j and d. t is one of those mean girls who was in those huge ass friend groups that every school had that would like smoke and drink and stuff. b was a friend of mine, j was a part of t's friend group and her best friend and d was a stuckup little bitch that no one likes. d's mother was one of the more important lawyers in the city. keep that in mind, it's relevant.

now b and d were best friends. would literally do everything together. and that of course involved sharing secrets! but when the eighth grade came along, b joined t's friend group after some petty argument she had with d. b was also kind of a bitch so she spilled all of d's secrets, one of which was the fact that d was gossiping to everyone about j. keep in mind j was one of those girls that. started fights for whatever reason AND SHE WAS DATING D'S CRUSH THAT ALSO GOT FOUND OUT THROUGH B.

so one lunch break, we were all hanging around in our classroom when suddenly j came to the door and started looking for d even coming in (which was a strict nono in our middle school, no entering other classrooms) meanwhile d was hiding in the bathroom waiting for lunch break to end. but j found her and it was whole ass thing like. teachers had to separate them because it was a full on fight. tearing literal clumps of hair out. d left crying and we all RAN because we knew her mom would have killed us because of course she was already called.

the next day the schools guidance counselor calls our whole class to explain the situation and we were all like shit we don't know we weren't there because. no one liked d and we didn't wanna be snitches. and the guidance counselor actually liked our class so she let us off the hook BUT D'S MOM DIDN'T. we had art fourth period and we were making some clay statue thing when her mom bursts right in (teacher was sleeping or smth miss girl was high on headache pills)

we were all like. shaking in our boots because we were like thirteen we didn't know what was going on. and she starts screaming that she's gonna put us, eighth graders, in PRISON for not protecting her baby girl. our homeroom teacher was called and the mom took the principal to court. which she obviously lost.

cue three months later we were celebrating the end of eighth grade when d comes in with her mom AND HER DAD AND HER GRANDMA and they start taking like pictures of us and the teacher asked what they were doing and her mom said these pictures will be going on the newspaper! and ofc we all called home and our parents were there in a split second and called the cops for idk what the charge is called but like. taking video without consent or smth.

police arrived. at our school. dragged this mother off of school grounds, deleted all her photos and videos of us and then she threatened to press charges on the police. she only didn't get arrested because the police here are. corrupt and take bribes.

all four girls are still attending school and 3/4 are in my class. that was the most traumatic experience ive ever had.

OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK ???? OH SHES INSANE THATS. IM SO SORRY WHAT THE HELL

[uniwolfcorn]

Buttermilk

(It's been a while since I've posted anything fic related, so I hope y'all enjoy this one! And thanks to @jacksonstarkiller for helping me piece this together <3🧡💛❤️💚💙)

—————————————————

It was another Saturday morning.

Jefferson woke up early & snuck down to the kitchen. He flicked on the lights & fired up the griddle. Oh the sweet scents that would dance in the air, the sizzle of the griddle, the patter of the boys' feet rushing down the stairs, & the bright, brilliant beams across their little faces as they were served the delicious delicacy.

The laughter of the boys & Lucy still rang in his mind.

It was... perfect.

—————————————————

Jefferson had been back home for a few weeks now, but it felt like a few minutes.

One moment, they were little children; - then the next, they weren't children anymore.

Alan had an accident recently. He had been put into a medical coma. The doctors said he would be laid up for a while - a few months at best.

Jefferson was in a morning rush & was running a bit behind. He was expecting a group of Tracys, already on bedside duty. But when he arrived at Alan's room, no one else was there. Perhaps he left earlier than he thought. Seems like he was always losing tracks of time.

The family had been leaving gifts of recovery for the baby of their pack. Jefferson observed the various trinkets.

A mini rocket model from Scott, astronomy books from John, hand-crafted cards by Virgil, starfish stuffies from Gordon, fresh roses from Penelope, a chaperone cap from Parker, a holographic star projector built by Mike & Brains, his favorite socks & blanket from Grandma, even some balloons blown by MAX.

Jefferson sighed as he rubbed his boy's hand. He had to catch himself from flinching whenever his thumb rolled over the IV needle.

What could he give?

Once he arrived home, he entered the kitchen. His shoes squeaked from the glossy flooring - he remembered how the floor once creaked with wood. But surely, baking pancakes wouldn't be so bad.

Right?

"Uh boys," echoed through the kitchen as he was searching through the cabinets. "Where's the griddle?"

"We, um..." Scott replied with a clear wince of regret. "We got rid of it when you left..."

A comforting hand lay on his shoulder with a gentle squeeze.

"Son, it's okay." They shared a soft embrace.

"You at least wrote down your recipe somewhere, right?"

You could just hear a glass shattering as Jefferson's eyes shot open.

Turns out that being lost in space for 8 years had made his cooking skills a bit... rusty.

The pan's too hot, too cold; not enough oil - too much oil; the batter's too thin, too thick; use the first pancake, too many of them at once!

Every single attempt to recreate the fluffy buttery goodness only resulted in sticky, crumbly, & sometimes scorched messes. Week after week was met with failure.

On one particular morning, things seemed to finally piece together.

"Hey, dad. How's it going?" Virgil's hologram hovered over his father's shoulder.

"So far, so good!" He listed with admittedly an amusing beam of pride. "I pre-heated the pan, I didn't over-mix the batter, I didn't use a spoon or an electric mixer, I used the right amount of ingredients & the right ingredients, & I set the stove on medium - high."

"That's great, dad. But..."

Virgil noticed one, little, little problem.

"You did grease the pan, right?"

"..."

"SHIET!"

"Wait wait wait dad, don't do -"

He frantically scrapped at the pan - rolling lumps & scraps of pancakes. Smoke bellowed & nearly triggered the alarm. Brittle & burnt bundles of burnt batter & bread went flying into the trash. The pan clattered in the sink as steam sizzles from the rushing water.

"That."

Tears rolled down his face.

"Dad?"

The only answer was a shaky sigh. He tossed down his apron, sulked away to his room, and shut the door.

There was a soft knock.

"Jefferson?" Sally entered.

He was curled up into a ball of regret. His knees were tucked in tight, & his hands covered his soaked face.

"Honey, it's just a couple of mistakes."

"It feels like that's the only thing I've been making."

"Jefferson -"

"Who was the one that left them for 8 years? Who was the one that couldn't keep them safe from the Hood? Who was the person who flew in that blizzard? Who was the person who couldn't save her? I am. It was all my fault."

There was a stilted silence.

"I just want this to be perfect."

"Son, remember when Scotty made his first cake for Father's Day? He dropped it on the ground & made a huge mess. He cried his little eyes out & thought he ruined Father's Day. But do you remember what you told him?"

"Son, it's okay. Sometimes this stuff happens and nothing is ever perfect in life. But you didn't ruin anything for me, because I know that you're doing the best you can."

"There was a reason why Lucy married you. She didn't see you as someone who needed to be fixed. But as someone who loved her & would be the best person for not just her, not just for the boys, but for himself."

Sally gripped his shoulder with a strong but gentle & firm hold.

"Alan doesn't care if it's perfect. He'll love it because it's from you."

"Maybe... maybe you're right."

"Kiddo, I'm always right." They shared laughter & a warm embrace.

"Thanks, mom."

"No problem. Get some rest, dear."

Night had fallen. Everyone had gone to bed, except Jefferson. The island was in a set of melancholy calm, but his mind was still whirling. He tried to fight against his workaholic-engined brain; he tossed & turned in bed, but his efforts of rest weren't working. He stared at his ceiling in fatigued defeat.

Another memory wandered into his mind.

He remembered that Lucy had a knack for photography. She was always behind the camera, capturing every precious little moment to treasure forever.

Maybe she could help.

He dug under his bed through various boxes & other little nick-nacks. Soon, he found his treasure. Within a large crate laid a trove of photo albums & frames; what lay in the center was an old camera.

He dawned his apron & began to cook again.

—————————————————

The next morning, Jefferson returned to the hospital. He delicately carried a gift box in his hands. He asked the front desk if he could see Alan. The receptionist thoroughly checked the contents. Jefferson got a few passing eyebrows, but was allowed to visit nonetheless.

He strolled down the hall, his heart was racing in his chest. The next door was his son's room. There was a hint of hesitation, but the words of his mother ringed in his mind.

He took a deep breath, & entered inside.

"Alan?" His voice was an audible whisper.

The said blonde stirred from his slumber, as his little eyes fluttered open.

"Hey, dad."

"How are you feeling, Sprout?"

"Still feeling sucky, but a little less sucky today." His gaze gradually rolled to the box in his father's hands. "Is that for me?"

"Just for you, Sprout."

Jefferson carefully perched the gift in his son's arms. Alan opened the lid & peered inside.

Pancakes; slightly crude in shape - definitely were supposed to be stars. Burnt browns & blacks rigidly lined the crust.

Alan took a meek little nibble.

Immediately his taste-buds were overwhelmed with flavors of crude variety & the ashy texture of the scorched crust didn't quite help either.

"Tastes... great..." He sheepishly squeaked with a thumbs-up.

"They can't taste that bad."

The clear gag makes him regret that statement.

"It tastes like burnt cardboard!"

"More like burnt rubber that was run over by the Mole."

The hospital had never heard more humble laughter than now.

[hecksupremechips]

Ive referenced this tale a few times but I think because it’s easter Saturday and I’m a fed up little shit this year, it’s time I tell the story of THE easter saturday

So to establish a few things to anyone who wasn’t raised as a damn catholic, easter saturday mass is kinda infamous for just being the worst. First off, it often starts later, like at 8. Secondly, it lasts forever. Normal mass will have a reading from the bible, a responsorial psalm, and then a second reading. This mass has 7 readings and yes, there is a responsorial psalm between each of them. If you’re lucky, the priest will decide to only do like 3 readings and then just move on. And the last few things about easter saturday mass is that for the part with all the readings, all the lights are out and everyone has to hold a candle. Symbolizes some shit about everyone being lost without jesus or some shit idk. And there’s a part after communion where anyone who wants to be confirmed into the catholic church can do so

Most people don’t go to easter saturday mass because really why would you, but around the time I was a teenager my family always went on saturday instead of sunday just cuz we didn’t wanna get up early and also cuz easter sunday is like the biggest day of the year and it’s crowded as absolute fuck it’s awful. And I mean, we never really had to deal with too much bullshit cuz the priest cut down the readings and often didn’t even bother playing music cuz no one wanted to be there lol. It was a pretty good deal

Enter THE easter saturday. I believe I was 17 and I still had to go to church but I was very much not having it anymore lol. And we were gonna do the usual late mass but a little special curveball came along. My sisters ex boyfriend, let’s call him Gary, decided he wanted to become catholic. Why. And when you get confirmed you need a confirmation sponsor, aka someone who’s already been confirmed, to be there with you. And he asked my sister to do it. Which is pretty weird cuz they had this complicated on again off again relationship but like, I’m pretty damn sure they weren’t dating at the time??? Why the fuck would you ask your ex girlfriend to be your fucking CONFIRMATION SPONSOR of all things that’s so bizarre lol

What’s even more bizarre is the fact that my parents decided to show up to support him. Gary was the ideal guy, good country boy, good ball player, with a good head on his shoulders. They definitely loved him more than my sister did and like still to this day talk about him all the time even though both him and my sister have moved on 😟. So fine okay this is what we’re doing, we were gonna go to stupid easter saturday mass anyways, we may as well support Gary in this catholic journey shit because we’re obsessed with him I guess. Whatever. But to make things EVEN WEIRDER, my fucking GRANDMA decides to come too. To support my sisters ex boyfriend. Because she thinks he’s the greatest guy since sliced bread and because she’s a hardcore catholic who loses her shit over new members of the church. So fucking. It’s me, my parents, and my grandma driving an hour and a half to the city to see this guy get confirmed. At least we won’t have to go to church in the morning

So we get there to this honestly very beautiful church like it’s one of those really old big city churches with massive stained glass windows and like 8 sets of pews and columns and shit. We meet up with Gary’s family, theres like 7 of them and none are catholic btw so they had no idea what to expect from this experience. Oh how I wish I could’ve saved them. We all try to sit together in one pew for some reason and it’s like very crowded and we have no room, something that was very unnecessary cuz we were literally in an almost completely empty church. Before the mass even starts, I’m getting lightheaded and sweating bullets from how cramped everything is, and cuz I was wearing "fancy clothes" aka a pink sweater and black joggers covered in lint cuz I was having an identity crisis and this was my fashion taste lol. I obviously didn’t wanna be there was just a lot of hostility towards me from everyone cuz I’m. You know. A fairy 🙊 and a bitch lol. So I feel a meltdown coming and I’m literally crying so I go to sit in this tiny pew kinda in the shadows where no one can see me. My dad joins in too so we’re just in this private spot away from the families

Then the mass finally starts. We go outside and get our candles lit in a big fire and sing a damn song and go to sit down in the pitch black church. We have the typical intro and. Then. This fucking like 25 year old altar boy gives a basic summary of the events of easter. We all know the hell out of them, we don’t need a reminder, but we get one anyway. This should’ve been like a reading that maybe lasted 2 minutes maximum. But no, no, Catholics don’t want you to have it easy and short. You came to easter saturday mass, and Buddy, you’re getting that goddamn easter saturday mass

This man. Sang, the entire summary. In that awkward chanty singing style that priests do sometimes. And it lasted, according to my watch, for 20 minutes. 20 minutes of this guy in this pitch black church with his face ominously illuminated by the candle he’s holding in his shaking hand just. Singing on the fly. The entire church is completely quiet the entire time and to make it worse he kinda just kept repeating the same point over and over he was like THIS IS THE NIIIIIGHT OHHHHH HOOOOOLYYYY NIGHT WHERE JEEEEESSUUUUUSSS DIIIEEED OHHHHHHH HE IS THE SON OF GOD, WHO IS ALSOOOOO CHRIST AND HIS NAME IS JESUUUUSSS CHRIST. I’m not even exaggerating here good god I wish I was. It was that bad. I was kinda just in that zoned out trance you enter whenever you’re at a church and you’re bored to death but at like the 10 minute mark I realized this man was STILL GOING and I just. I fucking lost it I couldn’t breathe I was very thankful the lights were out cuz I was absolutely dying. Even my dad, who’s so insanely catholic it’s creepy, started playing on his phone in the middle of it. And we had to sit there. And this was the BEGINNING, we still had god knows how long left of this thing

Finally, the altar boy stops singing and then probably went to go drown himself afterwards because how the fuck to you come back from that. The infamous readings start and ofc they do all 7 of them, why wouldn’t they. And the psalms in between were like 10 verses each and they of course sang every single one. And it was like some poor college kid who just looooves jesus so much singing and she. Couldnt sing for shit. And there was like piano and idk, a tambourine probably. I blacked out halfway through and just accepted that I was actually just gonna die in this church, I’d never ever escape. This is my life for the rest of time

And we couldn’t just leave is the thing. Not just cuz my family is so toxically devout, but cuz the one thing we were here for still had yet to happen. The fucking confirmation. How long did we have to wait before we got there? 2 and a half hours. And do you know how long it took? Less than 10 minutes. All for this stupid Gary, stupid fucking Gary who decided he just HAD to be catholic, we waited just for him. His poor family showed up for him, there were children man. Like, hyper, preschool aged children who had to sit through that. And then at 3 hours it finally ended and I just. Couldnt feel anything anymore. I looked at these people and I just wanted them all to feel the pain of a thousand deaths for making me sit through that shit. I literally suffered more than Jesus Christ

Gary, I hate you. You are nothing. You’re gonna love being catholic you stupid stupid shit stain

[kerizaret]

since ur interested ill send a picture of gerald by the end of today probably!! depends on how fast i can get things done

and omg was popo a pillow pet??? and borys and nana are such lovely names too!! even when u were tiny your art still had so much personality, it’s lovely that you have records of how far youve come and how long youve been at it :3

giving them birthdays is so real . im sure some of my oldest plushies have them as well that ive just completely forgotten 💀 but which one is the one that has a birthday in a few days?? i know i already owe you a little art but id love to celebrate their bday somehow even though thats probably very silly haha

Yay!! Can't wait!!!

AND YES!! Popo was and STILL IS!! my pillow pet together with his sister Mumu!!

That's them :D

I also still have Borys! He is Big and was the biggest for some time so he was the King. And also the Dad (we have A LOT of dog plushies...)

Nana is at our grandma's for safekeeping along with many we simply didnt have space for 😭😭 (also it's a him which is funny to me)

And AWWWH THANK YOU! I keep all my old art!! Unless I gave it to someone. I have a whole box of old sketchbooks and full folders of loose papers from my drawings from all ages! Nor counting the folders my parents keep from where we were even younger 😭😭 art has always kind of been there!

AHDHAH you don't need to celebrate his bday (I also forgot them all, only have the ones I have written there 😭) HAHSH but here he is!!

This tiny guy's name is Dazzy and his bday is recorded as 4th August 2007 apparently! Funny that it's a few days before my own! He's been with me since like first grades of primary school, CHANGED GENDERS, joined me during a surgery AND lost his older brother twice only for him to come back different HDHS. God there's there's many stories to tell. It would take me a whole day I swear

Yes the hoodie is OBLIGATORY

[iantimony]

tuesday!

listening: like everyone and their mother i listened to the new hozier songs this week. they're fine! i dont have any particularly strong feelings about them either way yet, i think i need to relisten to them a few times for it to really get processed, but they were good enough that i'll certainly listen again. i also went and relistened to wasteland, baby because of it and that album still slaps. also, this cherry wine cover:

is very good. i also relistened to the staves' album dead & born & grown because i realized i have windows facing west hehe. what else...my partner's citypop playlist was my music for driving home from the airport on sunday? i wont link that one i'm not sure if it's public or not. and then gym playlist this week was just one of the spotify-made mixes that kinda slams tbh, very early-00s to 10s metal/emo music lol

i've also gotten back into twilight mirage after a bajillion years. it's good! none of the characters really stick in my head besides tender sky and fourteen fifteen unfortunately but hopefully as i listen more they'll become more distinct entities in my head.

reading: i finished the birthday of the world while i was visiting my grandma for spring break!

"solitude": hmmm. this one was interesting. it left me with a lot of questions but i think that might have been the point. 6/10.

"old music and the slave woman": i think i might have benefited from more background, i was mostly able to piece together the factions but i definitely had to puzzle over it a bit. apparently there are a lot of links to stories in another collection, four ways to forgiveness, and i'm thinking that i might have wanted to read those first. 4/10.

"the birthday of the world": title story! felt very different from all the other stories in the book, probably because this one and the following novella are the only two set outside of the hainish universe. i liked it. no strong feelings in any particular direction, i don't think. 5/10.

"paradises lost": the novella! i LOVED this one. i dont know if i was somehow exposed to it as a kid, or i learned about generation ships as a story concept from somewhere else, but i often thought about writing a short story about what religion on a generation ship would look like and turns out what i was envisioning already exists. the concept of the cult of bliss felt very realistic and almost obvious in hindsight as something that was bound to happen. i know it's left open on purpose but i reallllly want to know what happened to the ship after it left. i really loved the themes of this one. 9/10.

watching: i watched an episode of the mystery show 'vera' with my grandma when i was visiting lol. it was cute! very kitschy, genre fodder! i liked it! i was very confused because the closing quip/shot seemed to be about the titular character...shoplifting a jacket or something???? like she asked her coworker if she looked any different and he was like ? and she was like ok great and the final shot is her sitting in her car seat and annoyedly ripping the tag off her jacket, so like, ???? not sure if that's a Thing that people know just from watching a lot of it but shrug.

making: iiiiii did not work on my knitting project at all LOL but i did make my neocities site! here she is! still very in progress but hey :D

misc: trip to visit grandma/s and family went fine! everyone is doing well. back to the grind this week.

oh so the gift from my SO: he likes metalworking and similar things so he made me this necklace!

it is, apparently, titanium with embedded sapphire ball bearings! the ball bearings glow in the dark after UV exposure and they're the prettiest shade of teal, it's also a very satisfying fidget texture-wise. he asked me a few months ago what my favorite constellation is and i went "......cassiopeia i guess?? why???" "oh no reason" this was the reason. it's very nice i love it so much

finally, ive started noting down my workout stuff on my dreamwidth page as well! i thought it could be cool to keep track of what weights i'm using over time, what exercises i like and don't like, etc. so that's on there tagged as gains. huzzah

[wc-wild-rewrite]

Forest of Secrets reread! Honestly, i really like this one! Specifics will be at the end in the My Thoughts section but overall, 9/10

Too much weird abelistic pity though

Prolouge

Again, stretching the "bracken-colored" defintion here

Shoutout to Graypool for taking them in and keeping quiet for so long, must've been hard

Rip mosskit though

Chapter 1

3 days after the chapter 30 windclan fight

Its the gathering again, still leafbare

Atleast these two arent bickering again

Ah, exposition of the last book, we meet again

Windclan has lost an elder, wonder which one

Wow two expositions in one scene

Theres that very 2009 ... again

Oh, ive learnt it was actually 2003

Chapter 2

Again, very storyteller explanation from Ravenpaw, though it comes off far more intentional this time

Im glad Ravenpaw's doing alright

Deadfoot!!! My guy!! Love him

Chapter 3

Oh fuck sake not Spottedleaf again

This prophecy better make sense bc i do not remember water having anything to damn well do with this book

Chapter 4

Aww, bracken standing up for his mentor. He shouldnt, considering the training neglect, but its the thought that counts

I dont think im physically disabled enough to dictate the use of 'crippled' but :/

Yellowfang!!

Fireheart i dont think you get the right to feel bad about her injury when shes perfectly fine with her new path, can we have less pity please

"For Cinderpaw, crippled" again. Can we not.

See now Fireheart sees where Grey's coming from

Mistyfoot's aware of them, interesting

"Isnt she great" yeah, she is, i agree with you greystripe

Mistyfoot is shockingly calm about this. I can picture her as butch if she was anthro.

Chapter 5

Oh god, more exposition

Brackenpaw is not ginger, why is he described as ginger and not bracken colored!

Oh no they did the same for thornpaw

But that does mean they must be 6 moons by now

"For thunderclan, anyway" lmao

Polite to bring prey when meeting another clan, or elders specifically?

Chapter 6

Oo, badass grandma

Bluestar getting awfully defensive there

I like the 'thistles and thorns' as a swear

Chapter 7

Haha brokentail's being bullied by kits, serves the bastard right

Even darkstripe finds it funny

Ok damn why is fireheart so mad about this

For once i agree with darkstripe, kits werent doing anything wrong

Oof the kittypet explanation is like explaining hes adopted

"A helpless cat like blind brokentail" thats still a kit-murdering dictator, my guy

"Anxious that cloudkit may have hurt the injured cinderpaw" ok jesus fucking christ shes nearly a grown cat a kitten isnt gonna hurt her can we stop the coddling

Chapter 8

They know the term rubbish

Aww, cloud being a little teacher to ash and fern, thats cute. Cloudtail med cat au sounds interesting

Hm, brackenpaw catching a bird that nearly flew away with a jump. Foreshadowing?

Taking ol' tyranny grandpa out for a walk, eh darkstripe?

Chapter 9

I like dappletail, shes so nice

Is tigerclaw already meeting up with bloodclan? Or the remainders of brokenstar's rogues?

Princess my beloved your so enthusiastic

Chapter 10

Completely unnecessary chapter cut, but ok

Goldenflower is expecting, and already decently along, seemingly

Chapter 11

Uh oh, flooded river

I gotta admit, tigerclaw's a good deputy when hes not being evil

Greystripe has river-based trauma

Chapter 12

Crookedstar is not as soft of a leader as i thought he was

I dont like leopardfur or blackclaw

Loving graypool tho

Yeah its breaking the code but technically the code says about not letting kits die and starvation is a cause of death so theres arguments to be made their still within code

Chapter 13

I like this clan mingling, its nice

Stonefur seems like a cool guy, i like him

Oh greystripe

Chapter 14

Oh cloudkit, your tracking skills are impressive but you gotta keep that mouth shut, buddy

Chapter 15

Longtail swaggered towards him

I really like the arc 1 elders, their so fun

I like that we get to see tigerclaw being nice for a minute, even though hes definitely conspiring

Chapter 16

Almost been another moon

Tigerclaw's either really good at acting or he didnt actually expect it to break, maybe he realised fireheart's death would look too suspicious?

Chapter 17

Longtail saves the day

God i love yellowfang and her adopted kits

Wow, even tigerclaw approves of her being the medicine cat

Chapter 18

Time for the gathering, 3 days have passed

Chapter 19

I dont like Nightstar

Good job, Brackenpaw!

Chapter 20

Deadfoot nooo

Yay, morningflower!

Dont drag fireheart into this

Ok, yeah, bluestar kin reveal, but can we focus on Yellowfang saying "adopted clan?" Thats adorable

Chapter 21

Hell yeah, Brackenfur! I love him so much

Oh, poor greystripe, silverstream's death scene hurts to read

And cinderpaw! Poor girl did her best

I like how tigerclaw is just utterly shocked, he didnt see this coming

Chapter 22

Ah, goldenflower had her kits! Welcome, bramble and tawny

Speckletail shut up, wheres mistlekit?

Good to see Goldenflower's had a change of heart

Aww cinderpaw noo

Interesting that tigerclaw respects medicine cats so much

God i love yellowfang so much

Ah, theres the kin reveal

Chapter 23

God, bluestar's explanation is chilling, i can feel her suffering

Oh, great, sandstorm's back to hating them

Chapter 24

Two days since silverstream's death

Ah, willowpelt's expecting. And theres that ol' whitestorm discourse

In cloud's defense, has anyone actually told him the code?

I think Cloudpaw has been adopted by the elders

Chapter 25

Princess!!! And cloudpaw's growing on me, i think i like him

Chapter 26

Always love more cinderpelt and yellowfang content

Half moon ceremony, yay

Cinderpaw gave a joyful wiggle!!!

I love cinderpaw so much, but someone get this girl in therapy

Fireheart can we stop the pity when shes clearly very happy

Ah, heres tigerclaw's big traitor moment

Chapter 27

Brokenstar you coniving mangy bastard

Yeah, go Thornpaw!

Tigerstar giving his evil monologue there, love that for him

Chapter 28

Pin the bastard!

Oh no, bluestar, you good?

And whats this! Riverclan with a steel chair!

Au where tigerclaw just fuckin bleeds out while being pinned

Darkstripe and Longtail stay, smart move, you two

Ok, good, dustpelt's not a complete asshole, then

Chapter 29

Au where brokentail joins thunderclan

Also yikes his death was dark

Im pretty sure thats not how yewberries kill, though

How do you scratch your tounge?

Spottedleaf really said do not be afraid, ok biblically accurate angel cat

"Oh spottedleaf" wheres that "we're really in it now' meme

Chapter 30

Whitestorm being great as always

I like the crowfood being used as an omen

Aww, goldenflower considering them as her own

Ough, poor fireheart (and greystripe)

My thoughts

9/10, definitely much better than the second one. Too much abelistic pity, though, so a point removed. I don't have any complaints for this book aside from that, really. Spottedleaf was mildly less prevelant this time, which is good. Tigerclaw's evil reveal and exit were cool, and silverstream's death hurt me way more than i thought it would. Overall, good.

[saekkas]

OML I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN A WHILEE, HI RINNN HOW ARE YOU?? :3 my exams are over (yay!) Waiting for results rn (>:( no yay) BUT AT LEAST I'M FREE NOW HEHAHDHA, how's dorms? Anything interesting happen lately?（☆/＞u＜/) just came back from playing a horrendous football match (we lost 💔) but other than that, I'm pretty dandy on this fine day 😹🙏 what about you? :D- 🍁

hiii dearest !! oh my !! congratulations on a job well done !!! sending you a cake and party streamers woot wooottt i'm sure you've done amazing !! please don't stress over the results :< you're now free to enjoy life again hehe

ah condolences on the football match `(*>﹏<*)′ i'm sure you'll win next time ♪(´▽｀) are you one of the starters on the team? if so, that's so cool !! i've always been shit at football so whenever i see anyone playing i get starry eyed hehe (●ˇ∀ˇ●)

as for me: i have been thrown around like a punching bag (courtesy of college, life, and everything in between) but hey other than that (lol) ive been very swell <33 hmm i'm not an interesting person overall but: (a) my dorm room has been overrun by ants and (b) i have taken up swimming (bcz at age 20, i already feel like a grandma fr)

[alienaiver]

3, 7 and 8 for the asks~

tyty for sending one in !! 🧡🧡

3 has already been asked howEVER this is a pretty amazing excuse to mention three more movies 👀🫡🤓 so im going with the end of evangelion, suzume no tojimari and koe no katachi !!! ✨ they all mean THE WORLD to me as well!! (tho beware of some of the heavy themes !!) 🧡

7. what scares you the most and why?

honestly this is super hard 👀 besides the usual phobia kind of thing where im terrified of ladybugs and spiders, i think losing myself is the scariest thing ! i was veRY lost in my youth and due to that i have like a 7-8 year gap where i barely remember anything and i had no idea who i was and that was absolutely terrifying!!! ive found myself again and i dont think id manage if i lost my way (that much) again! its a bit dark sorry!!! 🧡

8. any reacquiring dreams?

i dont have a lot of different ones anymore but as a kid i always had a very specific dream about a inuit mythical creature that sometimes still comes to me! a few times a month i also dream about my grandma in a very specific room of her house, drinking coffee. all she does is nod and smile when i tell her of my life, and sip her coffee! its strange and always completely quiet as i walk from my great grandmas apartment to her house. i always wonder where the noise is, bcos being above the arctic circle means sled dogs, but they never make a sound as i walk and theres no other humans. whales swim in the skies, and even though its clearly winter i am never cold! my great-grandma had a taxidermy fox that, upon leaving her apartment, comes to life to walk next to me. its very strange and during the dream i never think 'ah. its this one' its only when i wake up i recognize it. so weird !!! i take it as a sign that shes watching over me, and analyze the dream using inuit traditional dream analysis! ✨

thank you for sending these in, i hope you have a wonderful day !!! 🥰✨

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

344 of 2023

WHAT WAS YOUR LAST:

Beverage = Coca Cola.

Phone call = my husband, from work.

Text message = something from my bank.

Song you listened to = My Way by Limp Bizkit.

Time you cried = in April, when I heard bad news from work.

HAVE YOU EVER:

Dated someone twice = I don't really understand this question, dating is utterly baffling to me.

Been cheated on = yes, by my first ex. He was even open about it.

Kissed someone & regretted it = no, not really. I rarely kiss people anyway.

Lost someone special = yes, my grandma. She passed away from lung cancer.

Been depressed = yes, I had one serious episode when I stopped getting up from bed.

Been drunk and threw up = no, I don't throw up.

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS:

black

neon green

purple

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend = not really. I maintained all old friendships, though.

Fallen out of love = no. My love is very stable.

Laughed until you cried = many times. Last time from the thread on this forum, about replacing one word in a song title with "fart" 😂

Met someone who changed you = no. It happened many years ago.

Found out who your true friends were = no, I found it out earlier.

Found out someone was talking about you = yeah, quite a few times.

Kissed anyone on your fb friend’s list = I don't have Facebook.

GENERAL:

How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life = I don't have FB, but if I did, I wouldn't add random strangers.

Are you happy = in general, yes. With some details of my life, no.

Do you have any pets = yes, two cats.

Do you want to change your name = no, I like my name, even though it's boring and common in my area.

What did you do for your last birthday = existing and getting older :P

What time did you wake up today = before 7am.

What were you doing at midnight last night = sleeping.

Name something you CANNOT wait for = another vacation, or another road trip.

Last time you saw your Mother = in July, we live pretty far from my parents.

What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = I'd have a perfect health.

What are you listening to right now = nothing, just watching a domcumentary about buying houses in TV.

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom = Yeah, but probably not in person.

What’s getting on your nerves right now = nothing in particular.

Most visited webpage = priyom.org, sigidwiki.com, kiwisdr.com, Tumblr and two forums.

Nicknames = Jelle or Jelle-tje.

Relationship Status = married.

Zodiac sign = Taurus.

Gender? = male.

Elementary? = yes.

Middle School = yes.

High School = yes.

Hair colour = natural brown, currently red.

Long or short = short.

Height = 180cm / 5'11

Do you have a crush on someone? = kind of, but I don't think it's romantic. 48: What do you like about yourself? = I'm not judgemental. 49 Piercings = eight in total: three in left ear, two in right ear (one removed, though), snakebites and left eyebrow.

Tattoos = two, one on each forearm.

Righty or lefty = kinda ambidextrous, used to be left-handed, but then I got a nerve damage so my right hand took over some functions.

FIRSTS :

First crush = one male rapper lol. He's Dutch.

First piercing = left ear.

First best friend = a girl named Martina.

First sport you joined = basketball, I used to be a semi-professional player.

First vacation = can't remember.

First car = never had a car on my own, but Renault Clio IV.

RIGHT NOW:

Eating = nothing.

Drinking = nothing.

I’m about to = chill because I have too much time today.

Listening to = some TV program.

Waiting for = having the possibility to see this man.

YOUR FUTURE :

Want kids? = no.

Get Married? = I'm already married.

Career? = the same as I have now, heavy rolling stock electrician. I love my job.

WHICH IS BETTER :

Lips or eyes = eyes.

Hugs or kisses = hugs, if ever.

Shorter or taller = doesn't matter.

Older or Younger = doesn't matter.

Romantic or spontaneous = spontaneous.

Nice stomach or nice arms = who cares.

Sensitive or loud = a bit of both maybe?

Hook-up or relationship = relationship, I'm not a hook-up person.

Trouble maker or hesitant = a bit of both, too.

HAVE YOU EVER :

Kissed a stranger = no.

Drank hard liquor = yes.

Lost glasses/contacts = yes.

Sex on first date = no.

Broken someone’s heart = yes.

Had your own heart broken = yes.

Been arrested = no.

Turned someone down = yes.

Cried when someone died = yes.

Fallen for a friend? = yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

Yourself = not much.

Miracles = yes.

Love at first sight = nope.

Heaven = I'm doubtful.

Santa Claus = lol yes and no :P

Kiss on the first date = I believe in kissing when you're ready for it.

Angels = yeah, in form of some humans. And cats <3

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

Had more than one bf/gf?= yes, I had three relationships.

Did you sing today? = no, unless singing in my head counts :P

Ever cheated on somebody? = no. I can't even imagine doing it.

If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = before 2021 so maybe I could prevent my brain damage.

If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = 24th July I think, going for our vacation :D

Are you afraid of falling in love with somebody else? = no. My love is not really romantic anyway, or at least I think so.

Posting this as 100 truths? = pff.

[uselessbutfunny]

Yo My People

TW:Eating Disorders And Other mental

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I wanna talk about this for a sec, Eating Disorders have been a huge part of my life since before I was born and I wanna share with you my journey (that is not even close to finished)

I am 156 kg, I have an eating disorder called Binge/Compulsive eating disorder

My grandma was anorexic and she pushed it on to my mom who was also anorexic.

I grew up knowing this because my mom never wanted to hide from me that she struggled

I knew that Eating Disorders were bad and that I should avoid them but then I got hospitalized for a suicide attempt and I was roommates with an anorexic depressed girl, Let's call her Emily (obviously not her real name) Emily was so depressed and I could see how she suffered but I found myself wanting her skin and bones body type...then one day I was sitting with her and another girl from a different room who suffered from severe clinical depression. We talked about our bodies and you have to understand, I never had a thin body type, I was born a big baby and I've been big my whole life. Anyway, Emily told us her story qnd how she realized she was quote on quote "fat"...and I found myself feeling inadequate and fat and disgusting...

That was the beginning of a long ass journey. I spent 73 days in the hospital and it was already my secound hospitalization. On my third hospitalization is when I was met face to face with Bulimia through my (at the time) best friend...let's call her Annabelle, Annabelle was bulimic and again, I saw Anna suffer so so much but I, again, found myself wanting her type of body l...I was 13 by then

I struggled with my weight, trying everything to lose weight but all the weight I would throw up or starve myself to lose came back to Me..I was getting really depressed qnd angry at my body

Fast forward to 16

I started to give up...I had an all or nothing mindset..either I lost weight or I gained it...there were no other options, then, following a trauma in school, I started to eat to calm myself down...

I ate and ate and stopped going to gym, I was so broken and in so much emotional pain that I collapsed qnd went back into the hospital for the 4-8 th time, where I gained even more weight.

Fast forward again to age 20...

My weight skyrocketed and i started to see the effects on my body, my knees are weaker and my back is more painful. It also effected other things, like, my clothes are more expensive cause they are custom made, my food was more expensive cause i eat more. My self Esteem was absolutly aweful and i had never hated myself more

So, i started, 1 month ago, to start the change. Im seeing a dietitian, i go to gym and im generally trying to change my life in a healthier way.

This is the beginning of something...this is the end of me the way ive always known myself

Im not saying this to make people jealous or because im magically cured

I still cant look in a mirror

I still have a BMI of over 40

I still hate myself

But i know that if i hold on qnd keep working for a healthier me...ill find hope

In this blog i shall post updates from my weightloss journey qnd my jpurney to a healthier mind

Remember: H.O.P.E means Hold On, Pain Ends