#its tragedy time my friends
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miscellaneous au doodles + a VERY self indulgent song lyric comic :D
+ extra evil comic below the cut :
"chil!" "don't look at me like that..."
#ill be honest this is all so self indulgent that its embarrassing but whatever. peace and love. i will live my truth#yes the song lyric comic is childhood friends t4t chilchuck + his wife. what of it.#yes i also put chilaios. SUE ME OKAY#anyways im really proud of that first comic i think i did the format justice#also to the fellow filipinos out there i salute to you all#if anyone who doesnt speak filipino google translates the song and talks to me about it i will uhhhhhh. kiss you <- joking#(BUT I DO ENCOURAGE TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT I WILL SCREAM)#now time for actual tags#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#<- technically#chilchuck#chilchuck tims#should i tag his wife? ill tag his wife#chilchuck's wife#laios touden#not gonna tag the others in the first comic cause theyre not the focus#chilaios#<- feed on angst with me. play with me in this space.#by the by im slightly dissatisfied with how i drew that evil comic i think it looks a little weird but i love the concept of it#i mean none of you have any context except for my friend whos working on this au with me but. i prommy that its good#oh yeah i should probably tag this au huh#[ tragedy au ]#<- dont worry about the name. d. dont worry about it.#PRAYING BEGGING PLEADING THAT THIS WILL POST PROPERLY THIS TIME
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Why bother? (Why bother?) It's gonna hurt me. (It's gonna hurt me.) It's gonna kill when- (Why bother!) -You desert me! (Gonna hurt me!)
Set after Nightmare. Laios is reminiscing and contemplating.
#laishuro#laios touden#i make a lot of jokes on here since part of the fun of this blog for me is limiting myself to only expressing ideas via drawings#as much as I can to try to see what I can try to convey in the limited time I have to draw each day which is sometimes like 15minutes#but laios idea of who shuro was to him and who he continues to be and how it ties into his own feelings of self worth and self hatred#not to mention being so thoroughly defined by having never been indulged before by the men in his life#are so compelling to me#and then of course you mix in toshiros own mind prisons#and their established dynamic of him begrudgingly putting up with him because he feels he has to and bc hes cursed with obedience#whilst laios genuinely thinks shuro does it because he likes it and likes laios because why else would anyone act like that#when everyone else in his life has not hesitated to Let Him Know#this is what is so fun about relationships like this…forever passing by each other’s true feelings like ships in the night#sometimes i get embarassed how deep i get for some of the characters in this series it really is that deep sometimes but not always#but WHATEVER#i never even engaged in or was interested in shipping the several years i read dunmeshi EXCEPT laishuro lol#which i sadistically wanted to stay one sided and miserable forever. I rarely get fed such genuinely fraught dynamics as their one in manga#so i became obsessed#and walked through the desert alone for 40 years and then checked in as anime started airing that other people ship this and gaf#and decided to unleash the jokes and ideas that my like 2 friend who like anime previously suffered alone as though they were jesus christ#now tho as much as I still enjoy tragedy and pain and emotional suffering I’ve let love and peace and requited fulfilled yaoi into my life#with laishuro. and its great!#my comics
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watched brokeback mountain yesterday.... mid as fuck. i think it wouldve played out a lot better if the main characters were yuri and jimmy from yarichin bitch club. do u see my vision?
#brokeback mountain#yarichin bitch club#yarichin b club#toru fujisaki#yuri ayato#ybc#ybc jimmy#yuritoru#idk their fuckin ship name#im a gay male im allowed to say brokeback mountain actually fucking sucks#i get what its doing yknow time period repression tragedy wrong time wrong place BUT GODDD I JUST DONT CARE#I DONT CARE IT SUCKS AND CHEATING TURNS ME OFF SO BAD#its like good in a technical skill way okay its a well made movie but my enjoyment was a solid 2/10 i could only watch it wif my friends#main way this could be improved is if the main characters were jimmy and yuri#if yuri and jimmy were doing this shit.... lets just say they wouldnt be hatecrimed to death for being gay#theyd be begged to leave town purely bc theyre both batshit insane and jimmy would accidentally kill 17 people via homemade cookie poisoning#draws#**obama voice** just to be queer. i traced over screenshots for this shitpost. that is all
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"They were never really that close pre-death" "Dick was mean to Jason before warming up" etc etc are the worst Dick&Jason takes possible. Why would you even say that about them
#my dc posting#jason todd#dick grayson#robin#jaybin#discowing#<- bc its abt that time period#my favourite interpretation of them is well. they were the og batsiblings. the first ones to meet n develop that bond out of all of them#they went from strangers to friends to brothers in my mind. but dc is stupid and wont give me that#and fandom is dumb bc they keep pulling this shit of dick having misplaced his anger towards jason or being cold towards him and its like#why would you write that. like in my personal opinion its literally just not good??#like straight up its just a bad decision for their relationship#the point that makes jason's death so sad is that he was loved. he was happy. its what makes it a fucking tragedy#but noooo dick was horrible to jason. source? uhh trust me bro. are there any benefits or point to this being in the story? uhhhh well uh#(no no there arent)#it adds nothinggggg of value its such a bad take i hate ittt#give me jaybin & dick being brothers or give me death#n im not saying i want them to have been perfect or non complicated or anything but just. this slander wears at me ._.
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What if Lance was present during the Void Shard cutscene?
Marlon was obviously worried but didn't show much reactions to the news, since he's not a wizard and he probably spends little time in the Badlands, but Lance would be much more familiar both with what is happening there and the meaning behind the shard itself. He'd be an interesting addition to the event.
I'm not even sure Marlon and Magnus are aware how massive and strong Apophis is after the cutscene, they seem to act like it's just a bigger serpent and not the king of all the corrupted monsters in the Badlands. It's possible that whatever teams will be sent to fight Apophis will be in great danger simply for severely underestimating the monster even after the farmer warns them (in part because they also underestimate the farmer).
Lance is more familiar with the monsters there (and he researches monsters for a living), he'd probably ask a lot more questions about the much larger and stronger serpent the farmer battled for once. I assume he's at least be interested in how much larger the serpent was and farmer's answer will shock him at lot more. After all he spent a lot of time fighting in the Badlands and he never encountered anything like that.
So he would also be curious about where this serpent was when the farmer fought it, at least to make sure both him and his colleagues can at least not stumble upon the monster unprepared. The fact that Apophis is hiding in a place adventurers never reach is also something Marlon and Magnus never learned, again probably because they are not very familiar with the Badlands, not in the same way someone who fights there weekly would be. And Lance would be able to understand just how weird that is by remembering how deep in the Badlands he himself reached. Apophis seems to always be just barely out of reach for adventurers to meet him, why didn't he ever left his territory to go after the ones who got close to the boneyard?
And finally he would have more to say about the shard itself. He's more familiar with the void magic and the corruption happening in the Badlands than Marlon, so he'll understand how dangerous and unusual that shard is as soon as he'll see it. He's also probably not trained in communicating with the elementals like Magnus is, but he probably understands enough about it to ask more questions. And he'll definitely discuss more with Marlon what the shard shattering means. Or at least he'll try but Magnus will probably rush them both to the Ministry.
Since he can visit the Ministry as a wizard he'll leave with Magnus I assume. And although he'll probably be forbidden to talk about the Ministry's decision he'll still give a few for hints than Magnus. Like mentioning that he's worried or how unusual Apophis is even for the Badlands or something.
(This would mean he'd also be more familiar with the shard's energy and when the farmer will end up with the Seal of Silence on them he'll be more aware with what that means and panic more about it. After all, whoever is responsible for the Corruption not only took a personal interest in the farmer but also forces them to not talk about anything relating to it. The farmer could get tortured every few days for all Lance knows and he wouldn't be able to do anything about it, or even know about it since the farmer can't even ask for help. And if the shard self destructed when Magnus tried to learn more about it who's to say the Seal won't kill the farmer if Lance starts asking them questions about it? It's a lot more dramatic this way :D Imagine the worry and the guilt for not being able to protect the farmer🤤)
#so i unlocked the event once with lance in the guild when i bought the shard to marlon#found it now in my notes#of course its possible that marlon and magnus asked the farmer a lot more questions than what we see on screen#but the event feels really urgent and it seems magnus left really fast after the shard self destructed#not sure they had time to ask the farmer about too many details#lance and magnus panicking about the seal and what happens to the farmer#watching the farmer closely and imagining every bruise and every time the farmer is stressed as a sign of some huge tragedy#thats happening to their friend without them knowing about it#all while the farmer visits qi weekly and grows hundreds of blue melons for him#its a very funny idea#the farmer isnt even aware of how much they worry their friends#sve headcanon#sve theory#sve lance
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#Am i evil for wanting to sacrifice pa kent sometimes#love him hes great hes done his job with clark#but i always toyed with the idea of clark getting grief for development later in life#i dont think any of his adoptive parents should die well into him being an established superman#but what i do think is one of his parents dying would do him a service in his later years character wise#pa kent is generally agreed upon to be the most sacrificial ( sorry pa kent.. )#a time in clarks life where his father is gone and he just has his mother to look after seems like it would be#a refreshing pov for him to remember what he has left in this world...#there are all sorts of iterations btw. some where both parents die at the same time from tragedy (car crash)#or where one dies#i personally love superman: braniac where clark fails to save his father as a young superman#which shows him..not even a superman can save everyone - a rude awakening. so its just him and his mother.#while i do think of making the braniac origin my canon definitively i also love the pa kent interactions w clarks league friends#like that one time batman visited and they chatted was nice ( standing )#we will see! will probably sacrifice pa kent i mean if a comic origin story did it + a movie i meannnn.#but that means i would have to rework how clark comes back 2 life in death of su.perman#also last point here: clarks a mamas boy i love him being the young son taking care of his ma ( sighs wistfully at MOS scenes when he visit
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what makes minedai even sadder is that we never rlly see daigo try to build a bond with anyone else like he did with mine it rlly shows how badly it effected him like yeah he reached out to shinada in y5 but that’s rlly it and he probably would wanna leave him alone after that and not involve him in any yakuza stuff so i don’t think they would’ve hung out or anything like that afterwards. All he rlly had were saejima and majima but they were more like babysitters than anything, wish we saw more of their dynamic tho like we did with majima and daigo in dead souls since that was fun and we were lowkey robbed but in canon he’s just as lonely as he was before majimas promise to kiryu. And mine is the only person he really had a meaningful relationship with romantic or not they were still really close and we don’t see that again with daigo ever (from what i recall after y3) ok sorry for rambling LMFAO
even with shinada, he reached out to him more so out of 'duty' and trying to make up for the misfortune that befell him because of yakuza than wanting to rekindle any kind of friendship they might have had in high school (though it sounds more like they were just acquaintances if shinada needing a second to remember who daigo was is anything), so yah i doubt they really had any kind of bond afterwards
dead souls really was the only time after Y3 where we got to see daigo be more sociable with someone, but its as you say majima and saejima are more like retainers than close friends
#snap chats#you can tell i was into fire emblem when the first term that comes to my mind to call majima and saejima was 'retainers' omfg#but yeah ..... depressing ....#does make me wonder who daigo was on the phone with during the rggo story though. like clearly daigo has friends#apparently. we just never see or hear of them. tho ig it is implied those were his friends from the y2 era. as mine said flarkjla#REGARDLESS yeah after y3 daigo just feels depressing to watch#i think its just because he really has to do everything on his own now#but not even have a friend to just chill with at the end of the day- like the technical work is whatever. for the most part#THATS stressful obvi so to not have anyone to really be personable with thats probably the dire part. imo.#cause yk the world could suck but as long as you have that One Person to just relax with then its ok but with mine gone. 🧍♂️#probably doesnt help that like. during the 'flashback' segment of y3 where we get to see daigo sitting with kiryu and nakahara#we see him all cheery and bein a lil jokester and just. A Happy Dude#granted this is barely a year or two into being chairman so The Horrors Havent Set In relatively but still ... i miss his smile ..#every time i think of daigo post-mine i think of those like. tragedies or accounts of people where its like#'after X's friend/lover died they never found another again' like thats the vibe i always get#he really packed it up and never got close with anyone else again and it makes me want to throw up#y4 widow arc still good tho it makes me chortle
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the longer i sit with it the more it really gets me how nobody ever really mentions obito and rin before obito's reveal in shippuden. kakashi vaguely mentions his old friends and i think other characters allude to the tragedy of kakashi's past but rin and obito themselves are lost to time. something about that is so fucking haunting and so gutting. you would think it would be a pretty big deal that two kids from the same class died within a year of each other, but the nine tails attack probably wiped so much clean that nobody could really carry the grief... still, when we see their class in flashbacks, we recognise almost everyone else, so... there's something really sad and hopeless about their absence...
there's a lot a LOT to say about it from a lot of different angles and i don't really feel like going into meta posting territory i just have big feelings about it you know? and to me i guess obito encapsulates a lot of the anger. for the people who get left behind and forgotten. and that can mean a lot of things
#two of my classmates died on separate occassions in short span of time in high school and i wont claim that grief because#i didnt know either of them well but i did feel a lot of anger and overwhelming hopelessness. that life keeps relentlessly going on#even when people get left behind#it feels so unfair and so painful... there are so many more aspects to it though as well#like people who are left behind in other ways due to circumstance or class or race or etc etc- often a combination of those factors#and obito as a kid reminds me a lot of a good friend i had when i was little who was late to class every day#because of those outside circumstances#and again someone in high school who i was late WITH every day. because ya#and i feel very big about that. and about rins death as something so fucking preventable#the tragedy also of baby teacher minato who was so so not ready to be in charge of anyone. but. that's something else#anyway i guess i just really feel a connection with that anger and despair#sorru was watching niji and felt fucking insane about it#obito and rin are like two sides of one thing. maybe of one person. of one concept#part of why i'm so so crazy about obito being trans is because i see him as also using rin's memory as a conduit for#his anger and grief about his own lost younger self. hence: baby obito is also a little girl#i think they are best friends. its so important. idk none of this is wider narrative meta#its just my feelings about them in particular#haunting dead girl and the ghost who has to carry on and can't rest
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Time for me to be completely changed as a person! *just watched falsettos*
#the klock keeps ticking#oh dude we’re so back oh its so back#how am i supposed to live my life after this how am i supposed to go on#its funny cuz ive seen this damn show actually a thousand times i know it forward and backwards#and i dont really cry ever in general and ive become so familiar with falsettos that i dont cry anymore#but it still has the ability to destroy some deep part of me every single time in a new way#I will stay firm in my belief that its the greatest piece of media ever made#if i ever get to see falsettos on broadway (pipe dream ik) like#thatd be it for me man like how the hell are you supposed to leave and drive home after that akdnsk#i cant remember the last time i watched either i think it mightve been like. when i first moved into my old apartment 😳#and ive gone through quite a bit of shit since then and im smarter. i think#so yeah it hit me very hard this time i always stick to something different#im very much wrecked about this fucking family lets just say that#lets just say ‘shes cooked for some 200 guests i know we’re not that many actually we’re 7’#really hit different this time KID DO YOU KNOW HOW PROUD I AM#DONT KNOW WHY BUT HE LOOKS LIKE MARVIN#so so good so lovingly written and performed so real and beautiful and tragic FUCKKKK#yeah basically prepare for me to write like 50 essays for a few days about all the characters every song every lyric every sound yeah#falsettos is probably deadass the reason im like this it shaped me so much#just like. the ending of tragedy that was so unexpected and unfair#and it looks at the fucking homophobic shits who preached all about this being just desserts for the perverted behavior#and it says ‘this man could’ve kept that unhappy heterosexual life and avoided all of this but he chose the one that killed him because#it made him feel like himself it made him happy despite how brief it was and hed choose this route in every universe’#just a piece of art that is so true to queerness i dont think anything else has instilled a sense of pride in me like falsettos has#the tight knit family marvin tries so hard to keep together is falling apart worse and worse with each attempt#but once marvin is happy and loves himself and is loved by others the family ends up growing and sticking together naturally#aaughhh yeah ahahaha yeah man everyone please love your friends so genuinely love yourself and keep going 🥰
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What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)
"Jane, did you ever stop to think that... if anything happened to me, I mean anything bad, there wouldn't be any money for you? I wouldn't be here to sign the checks. You wouldn't even have pocket money. Did you ever think of that?"
"Yeah, I've thought about that."
#what ever happened to baby jane?#american cinema#robert aldrich#1962#joan crawford#bette davis#lukas heller#henry farrell#victor buono#wesley addy#bert freed#maidie norman#anna lee#marjorie bennett#anne barton#dave willock#robert cornthwaite#barbara merrill#julie allred#gina gillespie#frank de vol#revisiting after a long long time. watching this as a teen (too many moons ago) it was Joan that bewitched me; i was deeply taken by her‚#fell a little in love even. coming back to it now and I'm baffled how i slept on Bette's performance‚ arguably the showier and more#rewarding (from an actors pov). she's ott and grotesque but there's real depth to the role too‚ she delivers with nuance and there's levels#to the character‚ tragedy too (the completely unexpected way she says the line 'You mean all this time we could have been friends?' is#beautiful). also Buono?? I'd honestly kind of forgotten that there was anyone else in this film but Bette and Joan but my god‚ in his first#major film role‚ he's amazing! and funny! easy to forget just how funny this film is‚ in amongst the horror and the sadness and the waste#of it all. beautiful little film‚ i know it has its followers and is appreciated as a high camp classic‚ but it's honestly so much more#than just that too. Aldrich (truly one of The great genre directors) does wonders with sharp‚ unforgiving black and white photography#(beautifully contrasted with the soft warmer footage of younger J and B from their hollywood heyday). masterfully constructed too
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in honor of our favorite 33 to 100000+ year old unemployed terrorist’s birthday (korean time), i present to you: puzzleshipping time loop au where yami yuugi gets worse instead of better from s0.
ok so we all know that the Gang(TM) got through some shit throughout the story, where they are pretty close to dying. a lot.
how consider, instead of making it through barely, they dont. (gets shot multiple times-)
ok but more specifically yuugi dies from the strain of shadow games and stress or a mishap in those games. and yami PANICS HE PANICS SO HARD PRAYING TO EVERY GOD THAT YUUGI DIDNT DIE AND THEN THE MAGIC OF THE PUZZLE ACTIVATES AND YAMI IS BACK IN TIME AND SAVES YUUGI and everyone gets out safe and sounds and sane :)
Except It Keeps Happening. Yuugi Keeps Dying. Yami Keeps Turning Back Time.
he can get it right if he just had another chance. he wont let yuugi die again. that wont happen and they would make it to the end of their journey this time-
Yuugi Dies To A Bully. (one more chance. please. i can make this right-)
Yuugi Dies To Silfer. (no please i not like this hes my partner i cant go on without him-)
Yuugi Dies To Marik. (NO NO THIS CANNOT STAND I WONT LET IT REMAIN THIS WAY-)
yami gets more desperate, protective, and unhinged as the cast makes it through their journey. he gets jumpy, withdrawn, and snaps at anything that might seem like a threat. his already tense relationship with kaiba because more testy as he loses trust in those around him other than yuugi’s close friends. hes also more violent and harsh, not really giving up penalty games like he does in the transition to duel monsters.
yuugi is scared of yami. he never quite got over it even with his friends’ acceptance of yami. but he also knows yami is scared and he cant pinpoint why exactly other than its related to protecting him. but hes also scared to ask because what if yami snaps at him. he doesnt want yami to hurt anymore but also doesnt want him to hurt anyone else.
eventually, the continuous use of extremely taxing magic starts eroding away at both of their souls. cracks form in yami’s soul room first. stair start crumbling and doors are barely holding on. yami slowly starts losing himself and he knows it, but he also cant let yuugi die. the cracks reach yuugi’s soul room after a while. a few of the toys start showing wear, board games losing pieces, cracks in the walls. thats when yami comes clean.
its a terrifying and heartwrenching experience for both the yuugis and the rest of their friends. Yuugi has been dying. These games are dangerous and they haven’t been making it through them like they thought. the only reason why yami kept going and pursuing his memories? because yuugi keeps encouraging him to find himself and he thinks he can protect yuugi better next time. and because he thinks that once hes gone, yuugi will be safe again.
they figure it out though. they make sure yuugi stays safe. why do they keep going? because yami deserves to know who he is, and yuugi is willing to risk his life to get there. as he already had, but this time it will actually be different.
and yami learns an important lesson on friendship, learning when to ask for help, and communication. and then we have the rest of normal canon just with yami’s major ptsd and a slower to warm yami who is still willing to burn someone to the ground in like season 4.
how does this relate to orv? idk man i just think time loop and go “omg yjh vibes fr fr” i think it would be an interesting parallel between yami and yjh, they just match in my brain for some reason. doesnt quite follow yjh’s character arc tho LOL
anyway i like angsty time loop aus as much as i like silly time loop aus. they just have so much potential. here i just wanted yami to suffer :)
anyway back to silly au ideas
#yugioh#yami yuugi#yugioh au#puzzleshipping#ok yall need to understand that orv was like pivotal to my life literally changed my brain chemistry#yugioh might be my childhood but i think about orv so much#idek how a yugioh orv crossover would happen because i feel like orv fusions or crossovers just dont end well often#so we have this instead#also read omniscient reader#its really really good#yes i have Issues as my friends like to say#i feel like i could have expressed the emotions i imagine yami and yuugi feeling better but i also lack the writing skills for that#pls read past my shitty writing and feel the inherent horror and tragedy that i was trying to go for#i like time loops :)#and the feeling that nothing changes even if you go back in time to change it again and again and again and again-#link click vibes fr fr but that isnt related to this
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took a bunch of clothes to my mom's to wash them since my washing machine is still down and she said 'ill do it dw about it' and threw my favourite white top in with the colours. i no longer have a favourite white top :)
#and i cant even be mad at her because her husband is dead#lol and lmao#anyway the top is now the ugliest greyish minty colour and it looks horrible#normally i wouldnt mind. like there were two white tops and the other also got dyed and idc#but this one had a more unique idc shape? whatever you call that. and it was one of the very few crop tops#that really made me feel good about my body. like not even 'ok i guess i dont look like something that crawled out of a garbage bin'#but genuinely 'good'#and it feels so stupid to be this upset over such a small thing but i feel like ive been at the very limit for the last few days#with everyone fucking crying around me#that this genuinely feels like a tragedy to me rn lol#anyway im being nice and i keep saying its no big deal and nvm but ig you can see that im upset#so now SHE'S mad that I'M mad even tho im not even being a bitch about it im just Sad lol#kms#anyway i feel like shit and it all feels so overwhelming and to think that ill have to spend the long weekend in may here too#my dad and his gf will be at my place in wrocław going to concerts cause there's some sort of festival#all my friends will be chilling and having fun#and i cant even go to prague or vice versa because ill have to be here. having the time of my life with my mother and my grandpa#losing my mind and getting panick attacks in the bathroom lol
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watching playthrough of Amphipolis and Brasidas’ death for.... research....reasons....and whoever played this had Alexios and Brasidas at odds with each other. Arguing about loyalty before the battle. I cannot see this as them not just fighting about loyalty to Sparta, but some slight between each other. I want to shove them in a room and give them the time to talk things out.
#When Alexios asks to prove his loyalty he has this look of desperation#and my smut brain engaged. Like no Adrian this is not the time. This is a TRAGEDY. Alexios can't just fix this by [REDACTED]#I thought we were friends? Yeah uh they are more than friends.#ONE OF THE OPTIONS IS TO SAY I AM LOYAL TO YOU instead of I am loyal to Sparta.#I don't think I've ever had this option WHAT#I AM HEARTBROKEN. MY STOMACH PHYSICALLY HURTS. I MIGHT PUKE.#also wearing the ares armor? I see we are pregaming for the post-death rage that overtakes Alexios#I always have Alexios put on that armor and just cut across Greece.#then I get sad and think this is not what Brasidas would have wanted so I restart the game. Again.#I can only finish the game as Kassandra. I become far too hopeless with Alexios. There is too much grief.#a bad day for athens a glorious day for sparta? BOY ARE YOU WRONG#its a bad day my friend#you want war? no deimos I want you to go to therapy.#I take everything so personally? Yeah I'll show you personally.#deimos my beloved#Shut the everliving fuck up#I wish they made it a possibility to choose whether to chase Kleon or to return to Brasidas side.#I wish they had made a choice where you kidnap Brasidas and he kicks and screams but lives.#you can hate me all you want my love but you will not die today#Sparta does not deserve your loyalty#ok sorry but I just had a lot of feelings for the 10000th time
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everyone is always distancing themselves from me and i cant help but feel like im just deeply pathetic
#3/6 of my close friends from hs haven't talked to me. like talked to me properly in months#i havent hung out with 2 of them in a year#and the third one and i hung out TWICE this year#in 2022 we hung out like 8 times or something#i get that theyre busy but theyre not too busy to make new friends and travel and party?#so theyre just too busy for me.#and it's like ok so you reach out first!#and I've tried and failed#the conversations are so dry. the plans always fall through because something comes up#why does everyone always LEAVE#and its like 'always' is very black and white because the 3 remaining close friends haven't left#yet.#they haven't left yet but they probably will too!#and it's like ok well thats jumping to a conclusion. second unhelpful thinking style.#but then what about my parents? what about them when they find out im gay and kick me to the curb?#what about my older sister who'll sneer and glare at me in disgust like she has in the past?#what about my younger sister who needs to think about her own financial situation and will obviously side with my parents?#i was born and my life has been a tragedy since i took my first breath because my mother didn't want me and my father was disappointed#z.post
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i was having so many upset thoughts all day and now i’m tired and the thoughts have kinda faded but i’m still thinking about how much i hate this country
#deadliest shooting of this year happened a couple days ago and the ONLY person i have seen say a single word about it is my mom#she texted me a news article. that’s it#18 people. one of them was 14yrs old. its like no one even notices anymore#and how can we? when it happens every other day. 1 shooting is a tragedy…. 1000 shootings is just another day#i know a lot of people who go to college in that town. none of them were killed. but how many people cannot say the same#how many siblings parents friends partners lost someone. and this happens every day. Every day#and it’s just a matter of time until someone i know IS a victim in a shooting. horrifying to think but it’s truth#anyways. i hate guns so much. i will always always always be pro gun control. i just cannot accept this
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truly a lot of my dreams are complete full-fledged narratives and they're excellent. Many a times have i wanted to kill myself upon waking up and realizing the excellent manga i just read didn't exist. Ive written them down but its not the same i have to actually work to make them real & full fledged. But the concepts are always insane.
#like the family drama i read in my dreams two nights ago#in between hyperrealistic dreams about my friends & roommates informing me i have deep mental issues and see things that are not real#(i was seeing the night sky even though it was daytime and the moon kept of getting bigger and moving around)#i was then informed this was because i had been neutered (looked down and i had a scar but also my body was that of a cat so i was like ah)#(cats get neutered all the time so i guess its normal)#and that since id been spayed i had a hormonal imbalance that made me hallucinate things so i had to be put on an insane amount of meds#at which point the dream turned to a very well structured commercial about a pill-dispensing machine#“for young women who want to be well-organized about their health & beauty”#the family drama in question was called the tragedy of the moon family#and it was specifically about the transfer of patriarchal power as a form of libidinal energy#it slapped honestly
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