#we will see! will probably sacrifice pa kent i mean if a comic origin story did it + a movie i meannnn.

[supurman]

[althor42]

Fixing the DCEU

So, I’ve been putting a lot of thought into how I’d fix the DCEU. Well, not fix it, so much as go back in time and stop the madness. A lot’s been said about what’s gone wrong, but I wanted to put my mark on how they could have done things correctly. My beta hpwot added some commentary as well.

I’ve fit this within certain constraints based on what DC has given us so far:

Man of Steel still kicks things off.

Jason Todd dies.

Wonder Woman is almost entirely unchanged.

There is a climactic fight between Batman and Superman.

Superman seems to die.

Eventually: Justice League

Man of Steel isn’t a terrible way to kick thing’s off, but there’s some things to fix about it.

Don’t have Clark watch Johnathan Kent die for no reason, for one. By all means, give him a struggle to maintain anonymity as his parents have asked of him, but letting your father die is pretty unsympathetic for a movie hero, especially Superman. Have Superman accept at least some of the weight of responsibility for the many deaths from the invasion. Yes, he was a newb to that kind of action, but he acted rashly, and his actions led to collateral damage; this is a man who values human life, and he should hate that he wasn’t better. Also like, let Superman smile every now and then. The point of this movie is to answer the question of why does Clark Kent become Superman, and it does, barely.

Alternatively, hpwot has posited the following for a revised Man of Steel:

___

How to do Man of Steel?  

Give a very brief prologue on Krypton: They have chosen not to use Zod’s doomsday machine at the sacrifice of their own people.  Zod is imprisoned; Clark is sent off into space.

Man of steel shouldn’t just be setting up the moral backbone for Superman’s character arc, it should be setting a moral backbone for the entire DCEU so we can play the other characters off of that theme.  Start with a bullied super kid.  The movie did this bit right. Superman knows what it is like to be weak, even if it’s only because he must hide that he is strong.  Give a bit right after the bully is gone when we see some feat of strength that tells us that the only reason he is bullyable is because he allows it.  One of the most important things to do in the first act is to show where he gets his first sense of right versus wrong.  He gets it from his parents.  I want to open with a very young Superkid getting bullied before we jump to a Superteen who is struggling so hard not to lash out.  He’s still bullied, but he’s not the only one and he struggles with whether that’s his problem or not.  

The thing is we only have one movie, and we don’t want it to be a mess, so we need to introduce the villains early on.  Zod and co. reach Earth in the cut between super kid and superteen.  They have the same general goals as in the original, but they don’t have everything that they’re going to need.  It’s going to have to take time with this primitive human technology.  They realize they’re going to have their work cut out for them, but Zod was a general, and he’s a planner, and he can make things work.  They just need to stay in the shadows until the right time.  

Cut back to superteen who’s just starting to lash out.  It sets the stage for his moral arc.  

Cut back to Zod and Co.  They have an underground lair and they have a host of henchmen who think that the Kryptonians are gods.  But they aren’t just any old henchmen, we discover that at least one of them is the CEO of ACME or whatever major corporation.  This also serves as foreshadowing for Clark being a god among men.  We need something to tie in these two story lines, so give them a broad over-reaching plot and some small part of it creeps into Smallville.  Something that seems mundane, but it starts a moral problem that the Kent’s are faced with.  

Start a mini one-act story line that focuses on Super teen learning by his parents actions and guidance what it means to be a good person and what it truly means to be strong.  I’m seeing something involving someone else who needs protecting, a stirring moral speech from Pa Kent and Ma Kent standing up for what’s right at a key moment showing both strength of character and humility.  Super teen goes back to school and he’s realized that there’s something he can do.  Superteen becomes a defender of the week in his school, but he doesn’t do it with super strength or laser vision, he does it with kindness and occasionally by becoming a punching bag.  Afterall, he can’t be hurt, even if his ego can be bruised.  But something more, he has the hope that the people doing wrong can change and become better.  All of this will have to be done with a minimalist touch.  Every single part of Act one is going to need to be done with as little dialogue and whatnot as you can manage, because you’ve got a lot to fit in.  Say a lot with a little.  The only point where you can slow down a bit is the moral backbone scene.

Okay, that was a lot.  Let’s pick up the pace a bit.  Superman is moving out of Smallville for Metropolis.  Hugs and kisses.  An admonishment not to let the big city erase his roots.  You get a scene of getting introduced to the bullpen at Daily Planet.  “Why did you decide to become a reporter?” “The press is the guardian of freedom.”  (This will be important contrast for later) This is not the bumbling Clark Kent of the comics who’s Human Suit showed what he thought of the everyman, this is the man of quiet moral strength and humility that he learned to be from his parents in Act one.  Clark sets out for the first time as a visibly superhuman wearing the Superman getup his mother made him.  Classic “Look, up in the sky,” but with a twist.  Is it a drone? Some sort of marketing stunt?  

Cut to Zod, where plans are almost complete.  Everything else is almost complete and then they’ll just need one more thing before they can turn on their doomsday machine.  But that one last thing can’t be gotten from the shadows.  As soon as everything else is in place they will show the people’s of the world their god… cue breaking news in the background about Superman.  

Cut to Louis showing Clark the ropes.  First item on the agenda, find out everything they can about Superman while simultaneously trying to work on Louis’s other project, investigating the strange things ACME Co’s been up to. (Lois is skeptical that Superman is as good as he seems, so that she can be won over later). Get a bit of chemistry going with a contrast of Louis’ fast paced chaotic work method to Clark’s slower more methodical work process.  

Cut to a montage of Superman, learning the ropes of being a superhero.  Contrast the fast paced nature of being a superhero who can hear crime happening everywhere to Louis from the previous scene.  Introduce Superman’s thou shalt not kill.  Bullet ricochet’s off his chest (Holes in his costume) and hits the gunman.  Superman get’s very flustered and rushes him to the hospital.  We want to show that Superman believes the villains can become something better.  He has a faith in humanity and therefore any death is a tragedy.

Cut back to Louis and Clark.  Louis uses Clark as a sounding board as she’s working on the Superman case.  “What if there are more of him?” “What if he’s the only one?” A bit of sadness in his voice.  Phone call: Louis’ source from the ACME case calls, says there’s a warehouse with something she needs to see.  That sounds dangerous.  Shouldn’t Clark come too?  Nope, only she can know who the source is.  Clark considers following at a distance, but then, breaking news: a break in at a military base by superpower wielding villains who are stealing the McGuffin.  

Superman sets off, and manages to trace them down to a warehouse… Inside is the spaceship Zod landed in in the beginning, only it’s been heavily modded. Superman confronts them.  Zod tells Superman that they’re of the same people.  And reveals his plan, asks Superman to join them.  That’s when Louis gets dragged in by henchpersons, she’s been caught snooping.  “Louis?” Superman says in a moment of carelessness.  Tensions mount, a fight ensues, Superman get’s his ass handed to him.  Kicking and screaming, Louis gets loaded into the spaceship which takes off to a spot high above metropolis where it will start doing it’s thing.  It doesn’t affect the entire world at once.  But we see an energy field that probably goes out across several states.  There is a resonance building in the ground, and we don’t want to find out what happens when it covers the entire world.  Superman gets back on his feet.

Final act, Superman must choose between saving Louis or the world, does both, and then comes the whole climactic fight where he has to kill Zod in order to stop him from killing civilians thing, which we have now earned, and his anguish afterwards feels like it came from somewhere.  

Closing?  Superman’s helping a little old lady cross the street.  He’s a bit sombre after recent events but he’s happy to help.  He goes home to his tiny apartment, dressed as Clark once more.  He is surprised to see Louis sitting in his only chair, a pad and pencil in hand.  “I have some questions for you Clark.”

___

So that’s a copule ways to do Superman. We’re going to need another movie to show us how Superman’s super heroic aspirations match up with the real world. But first, Batman.

A big problem with Batman V. Superman was that it showed us this maniac as Batman, and expected us to root for him, giving him the ridiculous ‘Martha’ redemption at the end. But why should we care about this creep’s redemption? Just because you say he’s Batman? No, first you need us to love Batman, which isn’t hard. He’s the goddamn Batman.

We start with a post-Dick Grayson’s Robin Batman.There is no origin story here. Nightwing is off doing his own thing in Gotham, and we see a Batman that people are starting to get worried about. He’s getting tougher and tougher on crime, and he’s starting to cross boundaries. He’s not happy as Batman. He’s not happy as Bruce Wayne. The only time we see him crack a smile is when Alfred is in the room, or when he’s meeting up with Nightwing. Adopting Dick as Bruce Wayne, and mentoring him as Batman were the best things he’s ever done, but that chapter’s closed. Gotham may be better off than when he started, but the fight is never over, and Batman is throwing himself harder and harder at the city’s problems trying to put them to rest once and for all. It gets to a point where Nightwing announces that he’s leaving Gotham city ___(Maybe he’s going away to college, he’s decided on a school that’s far away.  I like the idea of showing that unlike Bruce, he has more in his life than just being a superhero).___ He says that other city’s need protectors of their own, but they both know that he just doesn’t want to watch Batman destroy himself.

Somewhere in the background, some of the early events in Man of Steel are making the news.

Cut to: Some big villain caused disaster. Lives are lost, Batman can’t always save the day. But just because he couldn’t save them, doesn’t mean he won’t bring the responsible parties to justice. He throws himself into it, glad to have a problem he can bring his whole self to bear on. At the end of the day, a greater disaster is averted, the perpetrators are brought to justice, but he knows that there was someone pulling their strings. Someone who he has fought before. Someone he has captured, only to be let loose again: the Joker. Too bad the Joker is nowhere to be found. ___(Either Harley Quinn is in this one and is captured, or she is in the second one and gets captured, seting up her character for Suicide Squad.)___

The movie ends with Bruce driving out into the countryside. He’s on the phone with Dick, who’s still worried. But Bruce isn’t; he’s got a mission. On the seat next to him is a profile on an orphan who’s parents were lost in the earlier disaster, sent to a group home after all the fights he’s been in. We close on Bruce Wayne meeting Jason Todd.

Next up is Wonder Woman. That movie was pretty close to perfect. I’m sure there’s things to nit-pick about it, but it’s a strong addition to the DCEU, and is good as is. The only thing is, for reasons that will be clear later on, we make one addition to Thymescira: at least one Amazonian has the gift of foresight.

Next is another Batman movie, and we’re in the wake of the devastation of the fight between Titan’s that was the climax of Man of Steel. A lot of Bruce’s focus is on his company for a change, but there’s plenty to do as Batman with all the chaos that the destruction has brought. Meanwhile, he’s got a rookie Robin to train up. Here we see Batman being downright paternal and maybe even downright happy, through that gruff and guarded exterior. It’s clear that being a role model, trying to show Jason how to do things right, brings out the best in him.

Batman doesn’t like the destruction wrought in the fight between Superman and Zod. He knows that the bulk of the blame falls on Zod and his compatriots, but he can’t help but think ill of Superman, who couldn’t pull the fight out of the city fast enough ___(He spent all that time trying to save Louis, because he had the hubris to think he could save everyone)___ He is still haunted by the collapse of Wayne Tower. Jason though, is excited about Superman, seeing him as a force of good in the world. Again, news of Superman’s deeds are sprinkled in the background of the movie, but this isn’t a movie about Superman, this is a movie about Batman and the new Robin. Mysteries abound, crimes need to be solved, and Batman is taking things slow with training his new apprentice. Robin’s safety is his highest priority.

But eventually, all signs point to the Joker, not just that he’s back in town, but that he’s at the center of all of the recent troubles. Batman is adamant, Robin stays in the bat cave for this one. But Robin knows exactly who it was behind the disaster that killed his parents, and he’s not content to stay at home. They fight over it, but no way in hell is Batman going to let Robin indulge himself in a quest for vengeance.

Eventually, Batman catches the Joker. I’ll leave the details up to an actual script writer. But he finds the Joker covered in blood, and there’s something in his possession that sends a chill through Batman: the ‘R' of Robin’s costume. The Joker is gleeful in giving him the gory details of Jason Todd’s death, and Batman beats him savagely, to within an inch of his life. It is only that same ‘R’, and the man he wanted to be for Jason, that keep him from crossing that line.

___(For this, look into the 5 Act Tragedy as an appropriate structure.)____

((There are those that defend the BvS movie’s odd pacing, saying that it follows the five act structure, and audiences just aren’t used to it. Moviebob has a video on youtube, Really That Bad, wherein he takes a few minutes to explain why that doesn’t add up because a. it just doesn’t, and b. that movie’s just a mess.))

Next we have Superman again; a Superman who is trying to define who he is as a hero, and how he can be most effective for the world. He flies around, saving people. He stops bank robberies, he puts out house fires, he responds to natural disasters. But there’s always so much he can’t do, and it weighs on him. Meanwhile, the world is trying to make sense of what it means to have a Superman in the world. Honestly, a lot of this can be done in montage.

At the same time, we see him as Clark Kent. The goofy but earnest reporter, who’s still trying to make a difference by putting pen to paper. But even in his civilian life, that’s not enough for Clark, and he volunteers as a Big Brother. Enter down-on-his-luck kid from a broken home: Jimmy Olsen. Because even as he explores what it means to be a god-amongst-men, he also wants to explore what it means to be a good man. (Yes, from a utilitarian standpoint, any volunteer hours Clark Kent puts in should just be as Superman, but Clark having a rich personal life has always been a gimme from the the beginning of Superman).

He’s finding himself, becoming the Boy Scout we all know and love, dedicated to truth and justice, but what does that mean for a 21st century Superman? Does justice refer to stopping crime, or to a broader social justice, and what does truth mean to a man who has to lie every day? But meanwhile there are things in this world that feel bigger than Superman. There’s a war on, and he goes to protect the civilians. And when he can’t save them all, he goes on a rampage, destroying nearby military hardware.

Now there is real lash-back. It is one thing for Superman to save people, it is another for him to take military action. The UN is resolute. Superman can be an actor in our world, but he cannot act in matters between nations. Superman accepts this decree; he is reluctant, but he is not here to be a tyrant. And yet, with Superman on a leash, travesty happens in the midst of war, and countless lives are loss. Superman knows he could have prevented it, but he didn’t, and that makes him responsible.

Over the course of less than one day, he destroys the responsible nation’s capacity to wage war, going after all of their hardware. Not a drop of blood is spilled, but a definite message is sent, and he backs it up by flying himself back to the UN to give a decree of his own. War is over on the planet Earth. Nations can stockpile whatever weapons and soldiers they want, but they will regret it if they ever use them.

___(I think this would also have to be a five act tragedy.  The announcement at the end is the Transformation.)____

Next is another Wonder Woman movie, the events that made her start losing her faith in humanity. We see her facing much the same dilemma as Superman: how do you save humanity from itself. Wonder Woman is powerful, but she can’t quite destroy an army in a day. So she goes where she can, does what she can. Saves as many innocent, and plenty of not-so-innocent, lives as she can.

At some point, her mother shows up, hoping to bring her daughter home. She brings some warriors with her, so we get a nice Amazonian fight scene in whatever war zone. But Hippolyta entreats her daughter: Ares is dead, and still mankind wars with itself. But no, says Diana, there is still so much good in them that can be saved. She encourages her mother to see more of mankind, to look for the good. Meanwhile, Diana has a war to fight.

She wins, time and again, but it’s never enough, and every day saps at her belief that there is anything worth saving. Vietnam and Korea are decent wars for her to throw herself into, but there’s plenty for the movie to choose from. Eventually, she saves the day in a big way. Everything seems to be going well, maybe it even looks like peace is on the horizon, but mankind falls down on the job again, tragedy ensues, and she can’t for the life of her see what she’s actually accomplished. She doesn’t put down her sword at the end of the movie, but you can see that she is on that path.

___(This wonder woman movie would be another 5 Act Tragedy)___

((A running theme for these second instalments))

Now the stage is set for Batman V Superman. We have a Batman who’s been brought to the brink of despair and is still teetering. We have a Superman who tried to be a Boy Scout, wanted to be a Boy Scout, but is leaning on the edge of tyranny. We have a Wonder Woman who’s giving up. We have world governments who have good reason to be terrified of Superman, and would be willing to do any crazy thing to find a way to neutralize him as needed. Enter Lex Luther. He doesn’t give a damn about about what it means to have gods amongst men. Neither is he insane, but sure, Silicon Valley Tech Billionaire is a good modern take. He’s charismatic on the outside, but he is cold and calculating in truth, and he wants one thing: money. The traditional weapon’s industry has tanked in the wake of Superman’s ultimatum, even as all the money is going into finding ways to stop Superman…just in case. Lex has bought up all available cheap stocks in the Military Industrial Complex, and all he needs to make it worth a fortune is the death of Superman.

So begins Lex Luther’s plans within plans to bring about his demise. One of which, yes, is to create a goliath creature of some sort, (just not Doomsday because there’s already a lot packed in, and the fans are going to want him to get a proper showing later down the line). Another is to pit Batman Vs Superman. He’s even got people watching Barry Allen, just in case. He doesn’t need to blow up congress, (and let’s face it, would Superman even answer to a summons at this point?), he just needs a good pitch for why Lexcorp is the best company to find an anti-Superman contingency.

Meanwhile, Diana is not interfering in the world of man. She has lost her hope for us. She is cutting her ties, and plans to return to Thymescira. But instead her mother comes to her again, this time with a message. Something terrible is coming to our world; prophecy says so. The world needs it’s gods again, and it’s Diana’s job to assemble a new Pantheon. Diana is reluctant. She has seen too much of man’s cruelty. She thought she could save us, but she doesn’t think it will ever get better, her mother had been right in the first place. They do not deserve saving. But no, says her mother, Diana, you were right. Your only fault lay in trying to save humanity on your own. (And yes, a part of Diana still knew the good of man. Why else would she work to curate a museum, preserving the beautiful and amazing work’s we’ve created over time?)

Eventually, Batman and Superman have their big throw down. Batman has been aimed at Superman by Lex, true, but his paranoia of Superman turning on humanity is not entirely artificial. Superman’s own actions have fed this drive. Meanwhile, Lex has found a way to manipulate Superman. Not Martha, but Jimmy. And in the end, when Batman has him at his mercy, he begs, “Save Jimmy. He’s just a kid, and Luther is going to kill him.”

Here is where Batman sees the humanity in Superman. Not because their mother’s have the same name, but because they have both sought to nurture and guide a child. And where Batman failed with Jason, it is not too late for them to save Jimmy.

Jimmy is saved, but not!Doomsday attacks, and Diana watches on TV as a god fights back, a god with an ally. She feels the call to battle.

Once again, Superman flies not!Doomsday into space, and is hit with a nuke, but his destroyed body remains in orbit, while not!Doomsday returns to Earth, and so we have the seeming death of Superman. Meanwhile, Wonder Woman takes up the kryptonite spear and, while Bruce distracts the beast, she slays it.

A conflicted world mourns the death of their protector. Diana approaches Bruce; trouble is coming, and she wants to gather others to help face it.  The world prepares for war now that the Superman Deterrent is gone.

Next up is Suicide Squad. It may have been a garbage fire of a movie, but it had a pretty good concept. First of all, you need Amanda Waller to make some goddamn sense. She’s not building a team to fight Superman. That’s not the point of a suicide squad. The point is to send them places where you need deniability, places where no one would volunteer to go, and yes, into situations where you need some incredible people. The Enchantress and her brother get their hearts destroyed before the movie starts, because there’s no good sense in keeping those around.

Next, you have to justify why Harley Quinn was put on the team. Her character was the one good thing about the movie, but her being there didn’t make much sense when her skills were basically just being reasonably good at violence. The movie didn’t capitalize on the fact that she is a disciple of the Joker; she’s a brilliant manipulator, tactician, and technical expert in all things mayhem. It’s still a stretch, but at least now we’re justifying our suspension of disbelief.

Now give them an enemy. Remember that your main characters are bad guys, so you have to put them against some really heinous people. Give them hostages; plenty of important people to get the powerful forces at play, but also squishy civilians to tear at our heartstrings. Make sure we know that the villains will kill the women and children first, to keep their most valuable hostages for last.

Then set the Suicide Squad loose. Fun ensues. 

Next up is a Cyborg movie. The Flash already has a series on the CW. We don’t need another origin for him. We all even know what Aquaman’s all about. Ezra Miller and Jason Momoa are great choices for casting, and I’m excited to see them, but it’s someone else turn. It’s time to make the world fall in love with a little known hero, because if DC can’t do that, then what are they even playing at?

I’ll be honest, I know next to nothing about Cyborg. The point of this movie is the man though, not the machine. Show us who he is, why he is, and why we should love him for doing what he does. Just remember that this is about a fledgling hero, who’s trying to find himself in a post-Superman world. The movie ends with a knock on the door. A tired but triumphant Cyborg goes to answer it. Cut to black as the Wonder Woman theme plays.

Now you can pull out the Justice League story. Open the movie with some kind of renewed focus on a what it means to live post-Superman. Where Cyborg focused on a micro-level, show us the global scale of the problem. But, the audience already knows that Superman’s coming back, no need to be coy about it, so make him the first hero we see, as his body reenter’s atmosphere and crash lands in a field somewhere.

Batman goes off to have his dick-measuring contest with Aquaman, and Diana goes to recruit the Flash. She’s starting to see the pantheon that her mother spoke of her building. Superman is once again faced with the decision of whether or not to be Superman, because yeah, things got pretty messed up the last time he tried.

Eventually though, the big bad comes. Give us a memorable villain, big enough to justify the existence of the Justice League, but not so big that they won’t have worse to face later on.

And then you’re off! Throw in Flash and Aquaman movies at some point. Explore the complex world that’s been built. Have fun.

[tessatechaitea]

Superman: Year One: Book One

I can't wait to find out why Superman shoved Jim Gordon's head up his ass!

Jonathan Kent isn't a kind and generous man who wanted to take care of a baby. I mean, maybe he was but what does it even matter if something else is manipulating his actions?

Do audiences enjoy stories where characters are manipulated by Gods or destiny to become the thing they're meant to become to do the thing they're meant to do or is this just writers being too lazy to let a story tell itself along the way? My view of audiences would be severely diminished if it could get any lower and also if I were to believe they preferred stories about Chosen Ones rather than regular people who rise to the occasion to do something heroic. What makes a story better if we learn that the hero was always meant to be the hero? Isn't it more rewarding to have heroes like Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee who struggled to do what was right with no guarantee that they were cosmically destined to succeed? The only thing this whole idea that there has to be some thing (or Thing) manipulating events from behind the curtain is remove free will from the hero's actions, thus making the hero nothing more than an automaton programmed to succeed. Jonathan brings the baby home and Martha is all, "Whelp! I guess we have a kid now! Praise Jesus!" And Jon is all, "Praise Jesus and his might rocket ship from Heaven!" And both of them feel slightly guilty because of all the times they cursed God for giving them faulty reproductive organs. Jon and Martha are still young so at least they can pretend that they kept faith that God would provide them a child. But I bet if they had been creeping up on the age of Abraham when he finally boinked the help, they would have fucked up God's plan too! Jon and Martha quickly begin calling each other Ma and Pa because why not? It's not like anybody is going to somehow come along and take their new space baby away from them! They found it and so it's as good as theirs. It's not like Kansas has any laws on the books that say you can't keep a baby you found in a field that fell out of the sky in an alien rocket ship. Are there? Probably not, right? And even if there are, nobody in town seems to question where the fuck Jon and Martha got a kid.

Oh yeah. I'm supposed to believe Clark can feel hot oatmeal. What flavor is it? Kryptonite? I mean, it is green.

Stupid penis! Every time I turn the page, it keeps thinking we're going to see thick chicks on space motorcycles with their tits flopping out and huge bushes streaming out from between their thighs! This isn't Heavy Metal, you stupid organ! I blame my brain for constantly thinking while reading this, "This comic book magazine sure would be better with more tits." Between being a toddler and the first day of high school, nothing important happens. I mean, some important things probably happen. Like Clark's first wet dream. But Frank Miller doesn't think that's important enough to make the story. I don't know why. I want to see Ma asking Kent why he hid his sheets out in the field and also why he was re=plastering the ceiling of his bedroom. In high school, all the kids start talking about how amazing Clark Kent is. But he hangs out with the fat kid and the goth kid and the other kids that are probably losers in ways that I can't tell by John Romita Jr's art. They all just kind of look like John Romita Jr people. I think they others are misfits because one wears glasses and the other one is black and the other one is Latino. That just means they don't fit in with the white rural farm kids, I guess? I don't know how high school works in rural America. I grew up in Silicon Valley. Our nerds were the white kids who played Dungeons and Dragons. Our popular kids were the Filipinos who were style conscious when most of us still weren't wearing deodorant or washing our hair regularly enough. I would see them hanging out at lunch and think, "How do they get their hair to stay so high and look so good?!" If only I had known that part of that answer was simply, "They wash it regularly," maybe I wouldn't have been a big misfit loser jerk! Clark sees the bullies picking on little Pete Ross (you have to say that in a high-pitched sneering voice. Unless you don't want to be a bully. Do you not want to be a bully?) and decides, "Enough is enough!" Even though he's not supposed to stand out or else the government will take him away to do experiments on him, he has to end the rash of bullying at Smallville High School! This looks like a job for Clark Kent! I don't think he's decided to call himself Superboy yet. Apparently nobody in town knows how to stop a bunch of asshole kids from bullying other kids. It's just one of those Earth problems that can't be solved by Earthlings! It must be Clark Kent's destiny to stop bullying once and for all! And that's what Clark does. He takes the novel approach that nobody thought of and asks the bullies, "Hey? Could you stop picking on my friends?" Sure, that doesn't work. They just see it as Clark starting a fight. So they oblige him and throw a few punches. Clark blocks one and the bully's wrist breaks. So now the bullies realize they can't win and stop bullying! Yay! Except they don't. They just bully even harder because why not? They're shitting on other people because their life is shit. Why would they not increase the shitting if something happened in their life to make their life even shittier?! Something like Clark "Break a Boy's Bones" Kent!

Why do they seem so happy about Carlos being called a spic and getting his tooth knocked out?! Fucking asshole weirdos!

Lana tells Clark she has a plan to stop the bullies. Her plan involves journalism! She has pictures of the bullies assaulting the weirdos and she thinks they can get the police to listen to them. But the goth weirdo overhears their plans and he's a big weirdo traitor! I guess if he snitches on the weirdos, he doesn't get beat up. I bet he's going to become a supervillain some day. When Lana leaves her house at night thinking she's going to meet Clark, she's set upon by the bullies! They steal her pictures and threaten to rape her. These aren't just bullies! They're criminal psychopaths and I'm sorry I tried to understand their bully behavior earlier! I was thinking, "Maybe this story will be about the ambiguities of youth and how hard it is to navigate the world between childhood and adulthood, especially when you have serious issues with your parents and home life and self-esteem!" Instead I should have been thinking, "Clark and the weirdos are Good with a capital "G" and the bullies are Evil with a capital "E"! Hopefully the story will make this explicit so that I can truly just hate the bullies and not mind when Clark drowns them in the reservoir! And the best way for a narrative to help me understand how evil they are is if they commit attempted rape!" Whew! I sure am glad to know that whatever Clark does to them now, they totally deserve it! I'd hate for Clark to have to come up with a real life solution that stops the bullying and teaches the bullies how to cope with their own problems without resorting to small violences against other kids! After saving Lana from being raped, Clark seems to insinuate that maybe Lana should fuck him as thanks. He's all, "Let me court you!" And she's all, "Whatever." And he's all, "Sleep tight!" And she's all, "Yeah. Sure. I'll sleep. Tight." I think that means she's going to masturbate? I'm not good at sexual innuendo but I figured it must be because the very next panel begins like this:

That's definitely sexual innuendo!

Kent forgets that he's supposed to be stopping the bullies because he starts dating Lana. They sneak off and Clark closes his eyes and pulls out his penis and is all, "Just touch it Lana!" And she's all, "Mmmph mmph mmmph!" And he's all, "Please! Just touch it!" And she's all, "Mmph mmmph mmph!" And he opens his eyes and realizes his penis is in Lana's mouth and he blows her brains all over the field with his load. Later, after my fantasy is concluded, I return to the actual story where they only kiss. Lame. After high school ends, Clark joins the navy. But not after banging Lana Lang all night! And that's not something I made up! It's right there in the comic book! Superman: Year One: Book One Rating: It was a bit treacly but not super bad. Ha ha!. But I still don't know if the bullies ever got their comeuppance! Was I supposed to be satisfied with Clark bloodying a few noses and then saying to Lana, "We'll use reporting to get them good!"? How disappointing!