#its too late at night to eat!
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Girl help I just realized I didn't eat anything today. Oh well.
#mango man speaks#im not gonna do it either.#lol.#its too late at night to eat!#and my grandparents would probably get angry if i made like. a hot pocket.#and honestly. idk why but recently hot pockets have been tasting bad for me.#which sucks because theyre like basically the only thing i eat that isnt fast food or sweets.#so i am simply just going to not. eat.
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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meowzers
#hey guys i made a little freak. thoughts?#hes got ghost fish friends :)#and hes a catboy#ALSO WTF IS IT WITH ME AND LIKE..#FISHERMEN LATELY. FIRST GUY NOW THIS FUCKER WTH#uhm but he basically came to be bc i was like “damn i rlly want to make more original art....” and the first thing that came out of my hand#was a catboy. not gonna read into it too deeply.#i dont have any proper explantation for the fish... the idea is that he ?? eats them and then magics them into big ghost fish and idk#its cool in my head!! im just so bad at formulating my thoughts in a way that makes any sense at all 😭#my art#dizzyoriginals#oc#idk what he does with the fish. maybe theyre friends of his. maybe its like a they give him their life and he gives them new life or smth.#a give and take back and forth kinda thing- listen these r late night rambles.#also i just love the cartoony ass fish skeletons in cartoons n stuff. theyre so dear to me. i wanted to draw em#cw eyestrain#eyestrain
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Hm. Oh no
#my periodical depressive slumps! wuh oh!#idk feeling very down lately. the. gestures. everything. does not help#im like. so stressed rn the past few days have not been great#i miss having close friends i think#crane screams#ive been feeling bad physically too and idk if its bc ive been off my meds for almost a month or judt bc my eating habits have been awful#genuinely idk what constitutes as a healthy meal anymore. realizing açai bowls are probably not super healthy despite having fruit#head in hands. whatever. i can blame my slump on my lack of medication(its not even a mental health med)#see this is why bluesky scares me. how am i supposed to ramble on in a place no one will see over there#thank you tmblr tags ily tmblr tags#ok whatever#good night
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filled with dread i need to get up i wanted to take a nap ive been luing in bed for an hour its such a nice day out i want to clean my room and do my schoolwork and feel alive but i just feel so so scared and tired
#started having a panic attack last night and did not complete the cycle of it#bc i realized i was freaking out over nothing so i think maybe my brain is just like. hung up#i dont know. i keep shedding hair everywhere and its either because#im not eating properly or im constantly stressed over literally nothing#i feel actually honest to god out of body. like what do i even do. i have got to get back on my antidepressant i think adderall alone#is not cutting it#and i keep forgetting to even take that!!#forgetting or dreading the idea of swallowing pills so bad#that i just avoid it until its too late in the day#its already too late in the day today
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fucking thrips stupid idiot pests i hate them
#i didnt even know there were any on my monstera#my cat just stopped trying to eat it#and over one night these stupid pests do an incredible amount of damage#plant looked fine yesterday#today theres a bunch of very large brown spots :(#i can find empathy for mosquitoes#most things really#i kind of like aphids even though theyre a major pest#weevils too#bc at least aphids have an interesting way of reproducing#and weevils look funny#tbf i know nothing about thrips#other than that theyve killed an ungodly amount of plants in this house and are almost impossible to fully get rid of#if you have hundreds of plants like we do#and ik they like the heat#so ive been finding some around my plants lately#but never with a lot of a damage#so its fine i can deal with that#but this?#what the fuck#i officially hate them forever#mine
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i just think they are always on the kitchen floor you know what i mean. like they’ve lived in this shoebox flat two months now but can’t be fucked to buy any furniture all they’ve got is a scratchy red sofa and some bookshelves and as a table they’re using a flipped-over cardboard box that’s got peeling tape and ‘records books other shit’ written on the side in blue marker it’s waterlogged and has mug rings on both sides and that’s all they have so they’re just sitting on the kitchen floor sleep-rumpled in pjs eating their toast in the morning and sitting on the kitchen floor in silence after moons and missions covered w dirt and blood and bruises and some nights they’re sitting on the kitchen floor passing a bottle of cheap liquor between them and they’re laughing and listening to records and sharing a joint and the window is open w a breeze coming through and also sometimes they’re sitting on the kitchen floor eating cereal in the middle of the night w their knees touching sneaking little glances at each other and other times they are fucking on that kitchen floor and other other times they are just quietly saying i love you. on the kitchen floor.
#r/s#also sometimes the kitchen counters too. those too.#sorry sorry this post is just my every waking thought lately it’s just like#pls ignore me it’s not me it’s the kitchen floor it’s the notes that were meant to be for the siken prompts i never managed to finish its#literally . like they’re just on the kitchen floor havent you ever sat on the kitchen floor w someone you love eating cereal in the#middle of the night do you even. do you even know what that does to a person do you even CARE what ive been feeling#fucking christ!!!!!!!!#anyway was sitting on the kitchen floor last night eating indian takeout on the phone w my best friend who lives across the country it#just does something to a girl.#oh also s keeps little pillows and blankets on hand bc the hard tiles hurt r’s joints .. if u even care ..
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on the one hand i want to try for a second wind to stay up and get really into something but on the other hand im sleepy and im pretty sure my husband went to bed without me so i honestly might as well
#back in godot learning thingssssssss#trying to do anything i can to distract myself from the abysmal lack of work ive been able to find lately LOL#genuinely ive had 1 commission in the last 2 weeks like its so joever im so hungry#not to be like “the economy” but man i used to be doing upwards of 20 coms a week when i was really nuts#making a couple grand a month etc#but shits gone so to pieces between ai and the cost of living crisis that like i get no work anymore at all ever#the bone deep resistance i have to having to get another shitty day job is insane tho after what the last one did to me#idk but ive been losing a ton of sleep over it lately and ive been having nightmares every night again#so i guess i really gotta solve that sooner rather than later. esp bc we cant buy groceries indefinitely like this#ive cut back to eating cereal in the morning and then something for dinner after having a really good streak of eating 3 hardy meals a day#which sucks but what can you do#gotta stop being a big fat failure if i want to eat like a. not failure. a succeeder#ig theres the ego of it too bc coms have been my fulltime job for years so like the dead dropoff lately is so#what if it ends tomorrow right. what if it ends next week. what if it doesnt end until next year#what if it never ends and im just unemployed sitting on my ass pretending i still have a career doing what i love#which is already what it feels like bc ive been scrounging for pennies to put food on the table for months now#like idk man. its joever let it go let it die. but that means getting a shit fucking job somewhere and god i do not want to LOL#i wont have the energy to do anything anymore and im such a brittle person this time of year anyway#whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr#im gunna try to sleep bye o/
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Oc thots on da mind alwayssss
#thinking about vrai going from “ill never take a life” to “leave no one left to tell the story”#vrai put a special value on life because of how much he saw it snuffed out as a kid#when he started merc work hed only agree to do some sneaking around and stealing jobs#eventually agreed to do some “rough them up” jobs#at the beginning of the game hes willing to hurt people in a way that lasts#then hurt them in a way thats DEFINITELY deadly but he walks away before he can actually see them die because hye maybe they survived right?#long as he doesnt SEE them die from the injuries theyre totally fine right!!! theyre alive and he has never killed anyone#the first time he outright kills people is during the heist trying to get injured jackie out alive#headshot after headshot and he swears he'll never do it again#but as the clock ticks down and the chip slowly eats away at him... why shouldnt he?#if theyre in his way why shouldn't he kill them? they know what theyre getting into the same way he does#this is just the rule of the world and he was naive to put it off for so long#the sinner man gig def fucked him up. like. really fucking bad#sobered him up but its already too late for him. too fucking late and he wonders what his mother would think and say if she saw him now#and if a gods out there he hopes when (not if) he dies that they can forgive him. if only a little#he wants to be good so bad but hes not. hes a mercenary in night fuckin city. he couldnt be good if he tried.#and god knows he tried#Vrai Fike#[ RJ ]#[ RJ'S OCS ]
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you guys should know that rodrick smokes weed
#he started smoking cigarettes at 13 okay he's a farm kid#not a lot of weed#but definitely a joint before bed#and his community often asks him to stop in and he'll take a puff before he does mass and host#he has this very strong opinion that jesus would have smoked weed too#rodrick: its good for my back#also rodrick: keeps sneaking into the kitchen and eating pie way too late into the night
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im so fucked forever- [remembers things always look the worst when ur in the throes of it and this too shall pass] oh ok so i need to welcome chill into my life. im gonna go play crash my car does anyone want in
#beetlespeak#beetlediaries#im so frustrated bc ive been working all day all week for nothing & im too exhausted to finish eating & i should just take a nap to feel#better but its so late in the day and im so exhausted that ill wake up in the middle of the night and wont be able to fall back asleep and#then itll be 2 hours til i have to get up and babysit again anyways. fuck my stupid baka lifeeeeeee mannnnn#i have stuff i really wanna do but i cant & havent been able to in days. actually being invested in something again & its strangling me#ok. its fine. sorry for complaining. lets all go play crash my car
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Just got a notification for 500 likes! Thank you for all who leave a little like, and especially thank you to those who leave tags or comments! It's nice to see people enjoying what I make :)💖 I will start scheduling some reblogs at some point, since I do not have any finished new posts. I am working on some things though! just very slowly due to other things in my life ;)
#500 likes yahoo!#I quite like likes actually its like 'someone liked this' and Im here like (⊙.⊙)?? really? neat!#currently writing some pirate kissies and some p&p au oneshot thingy which is kicking my ass#it just keeps growing? like girl they are eating dinner stop typing more!!#also I am so so so sorry that i dont react to peoples' sweet tags and comments!!#I just get so excited when I get them I cease to function and wake up days later feeling like its too late to do so lol#anyway I should create a talking tag so people can filter it out at some point but rn I am tired#so good night to ya'll <3
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youtube
Aw screw it, why not post this here
Decided to try my hand at making AMVs
#Youtube#One Piece#portgas d. ace#portgas d ace#one piece ace#asl brothers#fire fist ace#yamace#inkyvideotag#they make me want to eat drywall#they're so special to me#its only a youtube link because it wouldn't let me upload it onto here otherwise. said it was too big#i couldn't get this out of my head#had to make it or i would explode#fun fact#i stayed up until 2am last night finishing it#didn't realize how late it was until i started to feel like i was going to fall over#marineford#edits#edit#amv
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I should be asleep but I got so agitated over the pictures I managed to flare up my knee again .-.
#i cant take the pain meds on an empty stomach#I'm not in the mood to eat right now#its too late in the night#ugh#thoughts thoughts thoughts
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Guy at late night pizza place, waiting for ranch, was cute. So I squeezed the sauce too hard and it literally exploded over myself and the entire store. I mean it literally hit the walls. Covered my entire body except my hat. Might kms. Fr fr.
#I'm going to kms#i hope no one sees this post#why am i posting this#delete later#also cause i worked a late night shift no one's home who i can complain too#and i had to take off my jacket scarf ect and was going to walk home#and it started raining as soon as i left the pizza place#and my glasses broke off my face like#like yesterday but still like#i could literally cry dawg#i am getting home at 1 am covered in ranch#ahshgdgdv#LIFE IS SO SHIT LMAO#cant even be mad its too funny#I'm going to get high and eat a poptart god speed
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#Stayed up too late last night and so far staying up later tonight#My sleep cycle is gonna be so fucked#I just#I woke up late this morning and only got one and a half meals and now im hungry#And i feel bad about the idea of eating because i brushed my teeth recently#Which is such a weird hangup to have but its so frustrating#And if i dont eat i might not sleep and ill probably have the same problem tomorrow too#I just hate these weirdly specific hangups i get sometimes#Like i always want to time my tooth brushing and eating to maximize the amount of time my teeth are clean#And if i could let go of feeling like that's important i would probably brush my teeth more tbh#But its such an automatic thing i often don't realize its happening
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