#its time for me to tell my mom that i should go to therapy!!

[astronomyloveraster]

Wow I'm so tired of school to the point where I actually teared up and started thanking god that there won't be school tomorrow because the mayor just announced it.

[voulezloux]

.

[gooboogy]

I really hope someday I'm not living paycheck to paycheck. It would be so nice to have a savings. Maybe even be able to travel to somewhere cool and exotic like my backyard

[lovsome]

im gonna start going to therapy again

[sevenangrybees]

i guess the question is just what do i do now

[kooksbunnnn]

Lost cause? 4: Can my happiness ever last?

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook× Female!Reader

Genre: Established relationship/ marriage, angst, heartbreak, makeout and kissing mentions, INFIDELITY. Panic attacks (TRIGGER WARNING). Pregnancy (do not read if this content triggers you) also, 18+, This is purely a work of FICTION please take it as FICTION only. Therapy and psychological conversations. Tears, guilt, regret and hope maybe?

Word counts: 10.1k approx

Summary: You always wondered, how would your life turn out to be if you and Jungkook had a baby? So, when you finally conceive and decide to tell your husband that you are pregnant, you didn't expect him to drop this bomb on you. You never would've thought that the surprise you planned would end up in agonized tears because of the shock your husband brings you. 

Authors note: Hello, my lovely readers, or should I call you all my bunnnnys? It sounds cute to me hehe, its a cute little name for my kooksbunnnn family, the readers who wait for me, love me, and read the stories I write. Thank you for waiting so patiently, ily guys. Here's chapter 4, I got a little carried away with words, hence the 10k 👉👈 sorry for the long wait once again, enjoy the chapter now. Bye-bye!

Previous chapter

___________________________________________

Seriously breathe louder Ross

You giggle watching an Instagram reel of a scene from friends where a pregnant Rachel snaps at Ross, who was just standing as you put another grape into your mouth from the container Jungkook packed for you with washed grapes.

As you scroll through the comments on the mentioned reel, you can't help but read some of the comments,

Comment: Rachel has such pretty hair.

True. You always wanted to try her hairstyles.

Comment: people should appreciate how the writers gave every female character a different kind of motherhood and different experiences, and it’s beautiful how they portrayed every feeling. Also, I can't imagine how one of them had a miscarriage in real.

Miscarriage. This word itself makes your body shiver with fear, and you immediately feel your throat get heavy. You shake your head at this and scroll further, not wanting to cry for the 6th time on the same day.

Comment: Being pregnant is a magical experience, sure, but it's a whole ass rollercoaster of emotions, and you won't be ready for the amount of mood swings that come with it.

Yea, No shit.

Comment: I love how Rachel had a character development nobody ever expected.

Mhm. True.

Comment: Can’t believe how they ended up together even after Ross cheated on her.

That got personal, guess it was time to delete Instagram.

Month 6 and a half, day 188 since that night and you’re surprisingly alive. The night your heart got broken and you didn't think you would make it through 2 months of life.

More like, you didn't think you could make it alone, without Jungkook. Technically? Yes, you couldn't live without seeing him or hearing him for the start of your pregnancy and now he is always around you.

Always around. Helping you sit, eat, drink, lie, puke, pee, and all this while being at his respectable distance from you.

“Cut yourself some slack, you're growing someone inside you. It's okay to be dependent while you're going through so much..” that's what your mom said when you asked her about your future and if it was a mistake going through with this.

Looking back to her advice from weeks ago you feel like you are being a little hard on yourself. Therapy. Sonograms. Lamaze classes, doctor appointments, morning-afternoon-evening sickness, hormones, mood swings, and whatnot. You feel excited for your baby to come into the world but would it be wrong if you said you were scared?

When you asked these questions to the people around you these were the answers:

Mom: “Yes honey, of course, it’s okay to be scared. Your life will change, and sometimes you feel like you won't know what you’re doing, but trust me having kids is a tiring but very beautiful experience.”

Dad: “Sweetie, it's completely normal. Your mom used to freak out a lot as well when she had you. We’re here for you, it's all gonna be okay.

Namjoon’s wife, Binna: “I have seen my sister go through it and I am gonna be honest, it is difficult and the delivery is gonna be tough but the results make it all worth it. I am so excited to start my family one day, too!”

Jin’s wife: “It's a little nerve-wracking, to be honest, but it's the best thing Y/N, trust me I have never cried harder than when I saw that my test results were not accurate, I was heartbroken. Trust me, this is the best thing that would happen to you.”

Namjoon, Jin, and Jimin in different words but similar contexts: “I don't know much about how you're feeling right now so I can't say I understand but trust me, I’ll be by your side and our dumb little brother’s side always. We’re a family, Y/N.”

Hobi and Taehyung came together while you and Jungkook were having dinner: We have seen our sisters and relatives go through pregnancy, and it honestly looks so overwhelming. We respect women more every day. We’re here always, just one call away.” They had said with smiles on their faces.

Yoongi: “I am not good with words or comforting people, Y/N, but I just wanna assure you that I am always here. All of us will be there for you both. It's not gonna be easy for you, mentally or body-wise, but never feel alone. You’re our family and always will be, no matter what.” He said, patting you like you were a kid while Jungkook sniffled sitting by your side in your sitting area.

The most common advice everyone gave was: Be easy with yourself, mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’re going through a lot.

And it was true. You and Jungkook have been working on your relationship’s progress ever since your first session, and somehow it was going pretty well. You had dinner together and he made sure he attended the sonography sessions and therapy sessions with you.

You had regular sessions together and Ms. Shin recommended you both try talking about the future ahead. No definite planning, just talking about the options.

Wall paints, cradles, toys, shopping, diaper brands, baby food, everything you could see in the future around your baby. Since the biggest reason for fixing your relationship was because of your baby, you needed to familiarize yourself sitting around talking about the little person gluing you both together.

So you both decided to have dinner together daily and decided to make a pre-baby diary while eating. Yes, it was Jungkook’s idea. It's been 8 days since the last therapy session and you have already listed the paint options for the baby’s room, went maternity clothes shopping with your husband and browsed some cradle options.

All was well, right?

On the outside, yes. In your ovaries? No.

The lingering attraction you so badly tried to avoid for the past week is still lingering in the air around you. You roll your eyes as you feel embarrassment creep up your neck at how dumb you have been behaving around your husband.

You feel emotional, horny and everything at once. Absolutely mental.

♡♡♡

“I don't think I am normal anymore.”

The therapist watches you utter the sentence with a manic like chuckle. She must be thinking you're insane. You notice how her hand freezes for a mini second and then continues to pass you the glass filled with water.

“My question, however, Mrs Jeon, was how did your weekend shopping go, but you can still go on. Why would you think such a thought?” Your therapist calmly asks you after waiting for your response to her earlier question for a good minute.

You finally take the glass of water in her hand stretched towards you after muttering a low ‘thankyou’.

After what happened with you and Jungkook and his damn damp hair, you were freaking out. One moment you were feeling like you could cry out of embarrassment but the next moment you wanted to make out with him in the kitchen while he wore his white dress shirt and those grey joggers you always loved.

Okay. You know this is weird, hence the embarrassment. Duh?! Earlier you weren't able to control the urges you felt, the mood swings, the craving, and now?! This fucking arousal.

You made an appointment with your doctor as soon as you woke up the following morning, hoping she would prescribe some pills or any kind of medications to reduce the arousal you felt but it didn’t help you much because there was no way of completely avoiding that.

The doctor didn’t suggest you take the pills that might’ve helped you because you already had a lot of mood swings and anxiety episodes, those pills could’ve worsened them. She makes sense, a lot of sense but only when you thought about it with a cool head.

But at that moment, while she was telling you all that? It's just safe to say you can grit your anger in between your teeth.

Now you were sitting in front of your therapist hoping she would help you reverse the psychology or something which would help you not feel horny for your husband.

‘Your husband who betrayed you and was now trying to make up for what he did which you were okay with and hoping for everything to be better one fucking day ago but now you feel like you wanna kiss him so badly it makes you dizzy’

It was like a mantra, hecheatedhecheatedhecheated, so that you don't pull him in to kiss the shit out of his cute little face.

When you say the same things you thought, your therapist nodded her head noting something down in her notepad. Maybe she thought you were mental.

“Mrs Jeon, I would suggest you control your sexual urges towards your husband by trying to remove yourself from the room he’s in. Considering he doesn’t sleep with you, but if he does-“ but you cut her sentence in the middle by whispering quickly in his defense.

“No-no he doesn't, he sleeps outside in the lobby.” You shake your head not making eye contact, feeling somehow guilty of your husband's daily discomfort.

“And it's completely okay, Mrs. Jeon, to have your space and have some distance. It doesn't make you a bad person.”

Damn, she is good. You need to give her great ratings. You look up at her and watch as she nods her head with a small smile making you feel at ease.

“Did you talk about this issue with Mr. Jeon?” She asks you, and you shake your head slightly. Why do you feel guilty, and what do you feel guilty of most importantly? Nodding to your reaction, she says, “Would you like to discuss why?”

“Would that even change anything?” You say with a huff a second after she finishes her sentence, frustration evident on your face.

Shrugging she says, “It might make things clearer..” her eyes slowly crinkled due to her hair falling in her eyes. Flicking it away she looks at you slightly tilting her head. “Isn't this what you chose, Mrs Jeon? Being honest is what your relationship needs at this point, isn’t it?

Sighing you realize how you might be running away from things, after all, you chose this journey. You both did and somehow you feel you might be turning into an obstacle towards a better family life, yourself.

Turning your head towards the plant in the room’s corner, you speak with a distant voice, “I don't know, All that I have gathered from the problems I have had in my life is that I could win any kind of battle if it were against my mind but if it's my heart I am fighting against? It's a fucking lost cause.”

“What do you think is the reason you would be fighting your heart, Mrs jeon?”

You scoff whipping your head towards her, eyes glistening. Digging your nails before saying what you feel just on the tip of your tongue,

“I love him.”

There's a pause, followed by your therapist humming.

“I love him so much I wanna forgive him and try to make things better but..”

“But..?”

Another pause. A suffocating one.

“I can't seem to do that to myself or my kid. What kind of an example would I be if I give in to something that's not right?!” After you notice how your expressions change into a frustrated scowl in the tiny mirror behind your therapist's head you feel your tears start to fall off.

“I am sorry.” You say sniffling and somehow embarrassed of your feelings taking over you.

“It's okay, Mrs. Jeon, here..” she offered you the tissue kept on her desk, and you wiped your tears chuckling at your situation.

How did your life get to where it was? You have no absolute fucking clue.

♡♡♡

You wince minutely when you reminisce how your last session went with Ms. Shin.

One moment you were crying because you can't forget the night he told you that he cheated on you and one moment you cried because you wanna hug him and then cry into his chest about how your hormones wanted you to kiss him but you can't because then you would cry about how you shouldn't be feeling like this about someone who betrayed you, then again you cry because you can't forget how he betrayed you.

It's like a frustrating cycle. A cycle you wanna throw off of a freaking dam to let it drown and maybe rust when the water starts to break the metal. Maybe that would help break it because there was no way in hell you could succeed in breaking it.

Not to mention how you have to pee every minute of the day and then crave pickles with some honey on them while sitting on the toilet seat.

Sounds tasty, right? Yeah, you shake your head in a quick no too as soon as you step outside and think how pickles would rather taste better with peanut butter on it.

As you deal with your tears and the spasmodic hand stomping on the pillow or table around you to let go of the kissy-kissy thoughts in your head, your husband stays clueless.

Not clueless about the hormones, na-ah.

Just the fact that you stare at him before you slap your hand on the table, or thump down the cup on the table too harshly for anyone to not notice. He tried to ask you if you felt okay. But ended up getting yelled at for not leaving you alone.

You once yelled at him for leaving the windows open which you asked to be left open, saying he should’ve known better when to close them.

This looks cute in shows and movies of how cute the mother-to-be looks yelling at a clueless husband but you on the other hand feel bad for making him feel actually at fault when he has been trying his best to make you feel comfortable.

What does he do after getting yelled at? He apologizes, does what you asked or yelled at him to do, and leaves. He still comes back and eats the dinner your mother made with you and your dad helping her out.

You feel terrible for how you are behaving around him, the worst part being that he takes everything you do and say to him without even reacting ever so slightly. You tried living life with him normally but you can’t forget the thought that lingers in the back of your head; that the favorite part of living your life with him was the affection, the touches.

It's frustrating to say the least that you haven't even hugged him in the last few months, you know that there is a reason behind the distance but since your mind tells you to create boundaries and try things again, your heart doesn’t understand how someone could try to make things better from a distance. Especially you and Jungkook.

He did everything according to how you needed without you telling him. Your childhood therapist once told you no matter how perfect a person tried to be there are certain situations where you can’t control the things the universe decides for you. She said that when you were having trouble accepting that you were the reason one of your ex-best friends changed schools, stating that you made her feel insecure. You had no idea.

So you accepted your fate, then and now as well. Doing things as they go in the flow. You had a discussion with your parents about how you are supposed to be having dinner with Jungkook as advised by your therapist so your mom and dad eat their dinner by 7 o’clock as advised by their doctors while you accompany them by having your soup or tea.

They thought it was a good idea so you agreed to do it.

By 9 o’clock or quarter to 9 Jungkook enters and you have your dinner and the discussion you are supposed to have about the baby.

It has been 15 minutes since your mom and dad went to their room after insisting on sitting with you while you wait for Jungkook to be back. You have your phone in your hand which starts to buzz with Jungkook’s name on the screen with the bunny emoji.

Picking up with a smile you answer to his voice.

God, you missed him.

Yep, you said it.

Picking up he seems like he is on the way and is trying to get his phone back from someone. “Hyung give me my phone back, hold his hands Yoongi hyung, hey-!” yes he was snatching his phone back.

You can hear a bunch of yelling noises in the background and you recognize the screaming voice immediately, Jimin. You shake your head at the chaos and smile putting a grape in your mouth.

“Hey, Y/N I am sorry I am a little late, I just wanted to ask if it's okay with me to bring Jimin and Yoongi Hyung over to your parent's house we have a bit of a situation on our hands.”

“Yeah, of course, kook, it's okay. Is everything okay though?”

Silence.

“Hello?”

“What did you call me?”

Your eyes widen at how you didn't even realize how normal this felt to you. You haven't called him Kook ever since you cried in his car after your first therapy session, always walking on eggshells.

“Y/N?”

Courage. Squeezing your fist and eyes shut you say,

“I called you k-kook. Is that not okay?”

Your leg starts to shake not knowing what to say next.

“No! Fuck, I mean it's more than okay. You know what? Let's not talk about it I don't wanna jinx it.” You can hear him smile and you can't help but widen your smile. It has been so long since you smiled this wide and you somehow feel better.

You repeat the words in your head, Don't feel guilty Y/N, go with it. Go with the flow. Cut yourself some slack. You’re going through a lot, be easy on yourself.

You smile and hear him chuckle before-

“Oh, no hyung not in my car ugh, we’ll be there in 5 minutes Y/N, I’ll reheat the food when I get there don't worry. Yoongi Hyung push his head out the window please-” And he hangs up.

Smiling at the chaotic phone call, you get up to check on your mom and dad if they are still up, wanting to tell them about the guests coming over. But since they were soundly asleep with the nightlights on, you switch them off, regulate the fan's speed, and take the phone from your sleeping-snoring mom’s hand plugging it to the charger and checking if they had water around them.

After checking up on your parents you close the door to their room and walk towards the kitchen to drink some water. Even the small activities could make a pregnant lady tired and the jug in your room was empty so you walked slowly towards the fridge. The pain getting better but still evident in your lower back which makes you put a hand on your back while you open the refrigerator.

Suddenly you spot a Harley bike model Jungkook gifted your father when he came home to meet your parents for the first time. Your father was really happy seeing the model, him being a Harley fan. If age didn't play a role in life your father would've still been traveling with your mom like those couples you saw in uni.

You remember how you and Jungkook loved to travel on his bike, you holding onto him as if your life depended on it, hair flowing from under the helmet and him accelerating the bike through the streets, hills, and empty roads leading to the cabin the whole group planned to visit during his and Namjoon’s collective birthday celebration.

Damn, you were so in love. Still are, and will probably always be.

The group has always been there for you, they're like the family you never knew you needed until they came into your life. The chaos was a part of your life, the screams, the teasing, the weekend game nights, the celebrations, movie nights which turned into everybody and their girlfriends crashing in the lobby on the mattresses Jungkook bought for the night stays.

You remember what the situation was when you met him for the first time six years ago.

♡♡♡

“Damnit Tae, jump outta here.” You argue with Taehyung as the three of you look out the window of your room.

“Fuck no. Are you mental? I’ll die if I jump out of here.” Taehyung says whisper yelling at your roommate, Aera, who rolls her eyes at her dramatic “friend” panicking with wide eyes.

“No, you won't, don’t be dramatic.” You scoff as you push him slightly in the windows direction.

“It's a whole ass floor Y/N, the fuck is wrong with you?” He scowls at you as he regains balance panicking.

“Maybe we should call Jungkook.”

“Jungkook? Jeon Jungkook with that loud-ass bike? Nice. Sneaking a boy out of our room with the help of another boy. Fan-fucking-tastic, Taehyung.” You clap two times with a straight face.

“Guys,” your friend giggles as she tries to focus on the main topic in the room, while Taehyung goes back to sit on your roommate’s bed.

“I think he is right, Y/N, we could at least get help from JK.”

“Mhm, help in getting kicked out.” You mumble not so quietly earning yourself a middle finger from Taehyung and an eyeroll from Aera.

“Fine, do whatever you want.” You say rolling your eyes.

The thing was you were only partly nervous because of your forced eviction but also because you had never met Jungkook, the campus crush. More like the crush of every girl who saw him on his bike. You were not one of them, at least you wouldn't admit that but you wouldn't deny that he was a pretty face to look at and a very hot piece of ass to stare at. The proportions of that man were totally insane.

Tiny waist, big- biteable chest, broad shoulders, thick thighs, luscious hair locks, biceps people could hang on, the all-black outfit, and the very contrasting facial features. If he wore a helmet people wouldn't imagine how the guy had big doe boba eyes and a cute mole under his lips, skin better than half of the girls who spent so much on products. He always had that glint in his eyes making him seem so innocent, innocent but with a physique that can crush people.

You never talked to him so you don't know how he sounds or if he is a rude person. You just know he is Taehyung’s friend whom he hangs out with around the campus.

While you thought about how Jungkook might or might not be your crush, Taehyung called him and you all got up to sneak him out of the house.

“Wait you don't need to come if you don't want to Y/N,” Aera said after looking around the hallways and telling Taehyung to tiptoe downstairs since her aunt’s room was on the same floor as yours.

“H-Huh? N-no I wanna go as well. So that if she wakes up I can tell her we both went out to get some fresh air while the guys ran away y-you know? “

You said. Terrible at lying. You wanted to see the man coming to save his friend.

Your friend was in a hurry sneaking her fuck buddy out so she didn't pay attention to what you said and how you said it. A total stuttering mess.

Walking out of the house you never imagined him to be so..so..so tasty. Thats the only words that come to your mind. He parked his bike at a safe distance because of how much noise it made and approached you guys.

The image in your hand was like the 480p version of how beautiful and ethereal he was but in reality, he had tattoos. Tattoos! Not even a small one, a whole arm that stretched inside his white sleeveless tee.

You thanked the cloth gods for making this particular article of clothing because you needed to see how hot men you would want to eat up looked in it.

“Told you, you would need my help.” He smirks as Taehyung walks past him only turning around to come back and give Aera a quick kiss and then running away again, making her blush.

“Run dumbass, their landlord would skewer us on her cane,” Taehyung says and you chuckle at how exaggerated he made Aera’s aunt sound. At your chuckle, Jungkook looks at you and you pause mid-laugh when you notice him looking at you.

“Hi, I’m Jungkook.” He extends his hand towards you and you blush not knowing how to respond to his raspy voice.

“Yeah, I know you.” You say staring at him with heat on your cheeks and immediately kick yourself mentally.

You sound like a fucking creep. I know you? seriously?

He smiles, “..and you are..?

“Oh I’m so sorry, I didn't mean to be rude I’m Y/N, Hi heh.” You extend your hand to shake his and he whispers your name under his breath eyes still looking into yours.

“Hi Y/N, you’re very pretty.” While he rubs his thumb on your already heating skin making it burst into flames as he rubs it again.

“Kook!” Taehyung yells and you break the eye contact, taking your hand back.

“It's okay don't be sorry, I didn't find you rude rather, I found you cute.” He says as you look at him again. You think it was an imagination of your beauty-struck head or maybe it was due to dark but..did he just check you out?

You give him a confused look at what he said, making him chuckle. He sounds so deliciously hot and raspy. God.

“That you know who I am, considering how you’re always in the art studio. I found it cute.” He says with a smile leaning slightly towards your face and you lean back at the same time he leans in. He stays towering over you and maybe notices your expressions. You just hope he didn't notice how red your cheeks might be.

Does he know about the art studio? Only people close to you knew about it.

Seeing your wide eyes, he straightens up to his original height and chuckles. He sounds so good, it reaches inside you and you knew that you were fucked.

“Kook?” You didn't even notice when Taehyung came back to drag his friend back. Slapping his shoulder and then sprinting towards the bike again.

“Kook, let's go. She switched on some kind of light in her room oh god. She’ll beat your and my asses collectively.” Taehyung yells waving his friends over.

“Hey we’re gonna be in the beat party as well, Y/N lets go,” Aera speaks from the driveway of her aunt's house, slowly retrieving her steps.

But you were stuck. Stuck on how his bunny teeth played with the piercing on his lips. Not being able to bear eye contact with him, you flicked your eyes away.

When Taehyung yelled again from a distance, Jungkook responded with a ‘yea yea coming’ while stepping backward with his white sleeveless tee sticking to his body.

Generally, you didn't like summers but you were so glad it was hot enough that he decided to wear a sleeveless outfit, for you to ogle his tattoos.

Taehyung and Aera were already away from the both of you, Taehyung at a safer distance from the house and Aera still waiting for you at the house hoping her aunt just woke up for her nightly washroom trips and didn't see you guys with these beautiful men.

With a smile on his face, he stepped back facing you. Clicking his tongue twice to get your attention, you looked at him to immediately regret locking eyes with him. He winked at you and said, “See you around, sweetheart.”

You swear you saw his eyes flitting to your lips and then to your skirt that was flowing with the slight wind in the surroundings before he turned around and ran towards his panicking friend.

You knew he was casually flirting and was out of your league. And since you didn't believe your luck would suddenly turn out to be on your side you didn't think of his wink as something more than something casual.

But goddamnit, the crush you never admitted to, was finally admitted in your heart.

♡♡♡

You smile as you pick the model in your hand at the fond memories of how you tried so hard to remain just friends with the guy even though he hung out with you daily, accompanied you in your art studio confirming he knew about you before meeting you. You never knew your friendship could be more than what it was but maybe growing up and getting jobs made you want to prioritize yourself and your wants, so you decided to tell him how you felt but he beat you to it three days before you planned on confessing.

“Sorry sweetheart, wanted to kiss you as my girlfriend on Valentine's Day without the fear of rejection in the back of my brain.” That's what he said before he kissed the living daylights out of you on the gazebo at your favorite park.

You smile remembering how he took you to the park saying the cherry blossoms were blooming early that year, you believed him nodding with excitement and you went along with him running and holding hands. Reaching there you were sad that no blossoms were blooming but then he gave you the promise ring he ordered from the vintage store you loved so much. You knew it cost him a lot but when you asked him about it he just chuckled deeply avoiding that question and before you could pick that topic again he kneeled on one knee and asked you to be his girlfriend officially.

You smile at the memories and keep the bike model back on the shelf, the flashback coming to a halt as you come back to the living room when your phone buzzes with your husband's name on it.

He didn't ring the doorbell nowadays to be cautious in case your parents were asleep. So you went to the door and opened it already expecting Jimin leaning on Jungkook’s shoulders while Yoongi just snickered at his younger brother, seeming unconscious but Jimin was very much awake, also very very drunk as he clung to Yoongi telling him everything was going to be okay. Jungkook held three bags as he gave you a sheepish smile at his Hyungs’ behavior.

“Yes, Yes, Jimin. It's gonna be okay.” Yoongi held Jimin very firmly while giving you a small smile before asking where to put him so that he could blubber nonsense somewhere your neighbors wouldn't hear.

Jungkook chuckles and leads them to the guest room while muttering a ‘hi’, looking at you from head to toe as if checking if you had any injuries.

“Hi,” you whisper, enough for him to catch your voice.

“How was your day?” You ask trying to take the bags from his hand but he tilts his body giving you a look that says ‘Really?’.

Sighing with a smile, you close the door and follow him inside.

“It was good- Oh shit the guest room door is locked. Wait hyung let me get the key” he put the bags on the counter while a grunting Yoongi held a wobbly Jimin in his hands.

“Wow realized it so soon,” Yoongi says sarcastically l as Jimin looks at you with a smile on his face. Gasping dramatically, he removes himself from his brother's shoulders and comes towards you, slightly tilted, but he somehow reaches you.

“I can see your baby.” Your eyes widen at what he said and you scoff a laugh as Jimin kneels down in front of your belly.

“He means you’re showing, and he is noticing that now, only, he sounds creepy as fuck.” Yoongi walks back to the sofa and sits down with a long sigh.

“May I please?” He says as hovers his hands over your belly with big puppy eyes and you chuckle at how patiently he wants you to answer.

“Yes, Jimin you may.” You say with a laugh and he whispers to your tummy hovering his hand above it like it's a crystal ball.

“Hi tiny person, I am Jimin, your godfather..” he giggles at the end of his sentence while you hear Yoongi chuckle from the couch.

“The fuck? When did we decide that hyung?” Jungkook stands next to you with keys hanging from his fingers, narrowed gaze focused on his elder brother.

“Shhhhhh” Jimin shushes Jungkook loudly almost spitting on your belly. You laugh as he looks pointedly at Jungkook.

“You don’t get to decide that. Dumbass.” Jimin slurs out and tries to get up grabbing the trousers Jungkook wore, almost making him fall over with his weight.

“Hyung, fuck you’re heavy when drunk.”

“I fucking know right? I don’t know how that happens..” Yoongi mumbles typing something on his phone, stretching his neck sideways to pop the strained muscle.

Jungkook stumbles while you also try to help him balance Jimin by bending slightly to keep a hand on his shoulders, but then you remove it as Jungkook whispers ‘I got him I got him’ assuringly not wanting you to take any strain.

Smiling to yourself you walk over to the couch adjacent to where Yoongi was sitting, asking if he needed water or anything like that.

“Nah I’m good. Thanks.” He waves his hand as he keeps his phone aside watching how Jungkook manages to drag Jimin back.

“...You’ll look good in a tutu as well..” Jimin says to Jungkook poking a finger to his sides continuously. “You know a white one with stars on it, I’ll gift it to the baby so that you can match your outfits then” Jungkook rolls his eyes in annoyance as Jimin’s voice fades into the guest room Jungkook opens for him to sleep in.

“Let me go check up on him yeah?” Yoongi says softly getting up from the couch, picking up a banana on the way to the guest room. Raising one of his brows and the fruit in the air as if asking for permission to eat it. You tilt your head with narrowed eyes passing on the message, ‘You have to ask?’

He smiles slightly shrugging and heads towards the guest room while pealing the banana.

“Jungkook, is he under control now or still wobbly- oh, fuck no-“ Yoongi asks from outside of the room but then pauses in his tracks as you hear Jungkook whine slightly out of disgust and you immediately get up feeling a slight ache in your lower back due to the hurry.

“Is everything okay?” You ask concern evident in your eyes.

Yoongi chuckles and moves away from the door, shaking his head. “Not gonna eat this now, sorry, Y/N.” He says, still laughing.

“Oh no did he-“Before you could say something Jungkook stomps his way out of the guest room and you immediately feel nausea entering you seeing your husband's sleeve covered in vomit.

“Hyung could you please help me heat the food? I’m gonna go take a shower, sorry hyungie just please-“ he continues walking towards the common bathroom at the end of the hall.

“Sure” Yoongi chuckles moving towards the fridge.

“I’ll help you..” you take a step towards the crockery cupboard.

“No, I’m fine. I’ll do it, you sit.” He says pausing you midway.

“No Yoongi lemme help..” you say but he just points the small spoon towards the island chair.

“It's okay Y/N I’ll do it.” He says nodding while opening the Tupperware filled with the various side dishes and the tofu-miso stew.

“I just don't wanna trouble you Yoongi, thanks though.” You say giving up on offering help as he heats the food one by one in the microwave.

“Oh it's not for free, I am taking the godfather’s title in exchange for this.” He smirks glancing at the room Jimin slept in.

“Yeah okay, try beating Jimin for the title. You chuckle looking in the same direction for a second and then at the man heating up the food. While he just gives you a small laugh while warming up the rice in the cooker, mumbling, “We’ll see who wins.”

You smile and pat your feet on the ground in a rhythm as Yoongi places the food on the kitchen island. You feel guilty for making him do this but he has already rejected your help three times so there was no point in arguing over it.

“Y/N?” Yoongi whispers looking at a plate in his hand.

“Yea?”

“I know it's none of my business and I should not even say something about this but can I just say it's really nice that you’re trying again?” He says lifting his head to look at your reaction to what he said.

You feel yourself freeze, this is the first time you had a conversation about your situation with Jungkook, the cheating, and the decision to try again. You sure talked about the pregnancy and yes there was always that lingering awkwardness in the air but this was new.

“Yea..” you sigh looking at your lap for a second and then lifting your head to give him a soft smile.

“Not everyone is lucky enough to get a chance to revive their relationship.” He says still looking at the plate while tracing the pattern on it with his index finger.

You know that his relationship ended badly, you knew how much he loved his girlfriend, you know he acts like it's okay but his dark circles tell another story, you know he looks thin and exhausted all the time but acts like it's nothing.

You know it's not nothing.

“Yoongi, I am sorry about-“But before you could finish your sentence he laughs almost in pain.

“It's okay Y/N, it's done, she is gone. She is happy without me and I can't change that.” He says and you feel your heart break at how small he sounds.

“It sucks but it's true.” He says softly, half to you half to himself, still trying to process his grief over the relationship he lost. After an uncomfortable pause, he continues.

“I saw him Y/N,” he points his chin in the direction of the washroom Jungkook was taking a shower in when you look at him confused at the change of topic.

“..and don't think I am taking his side 'cause he is like a brother to me but I say this honestly, he was devastated while he was away from you.” You just stare at him with eyes round and wide not expecting this conversation to go this way.

“He forgot to eat and sleep, just kept asking Jin Hyung and me if we saw you or if any other of guys saw you.” He says while you look at him nervously talking about the topic, picking his nails.

“Do you remember the time you were at the hospital due to your abdominal pain?” You nod at his question feeling your throat tighten up uncomfortably so you divert your gaze down at the plate with little blue flowers printed on the ceramic.

“He ran to the hospital since his car was still parked at your previous address.” Your eyes widen and you whip your head toward the man standing in front of you.

What does he mean he ran?

“What?” You whisper.

“Taehyung had a night shift and he was alone at the apartment. I tried to tell him to wait for me to pick him up when he called to ask if Taehyung left office or not, but he just hung up saying it would take too long.”

“So he ran to you.” You feel your throat tighten as humanly possible, eyes burning.

Wasn’t Taehyung’s house almost double times the way compared to your route connecting your house to the hospital? You can't even comprehend how he felt when you didn't even talk to him that day.

Shouldn’t you feel like he deserved to feel like that? Shouldn't you say that he did that to himself? That was what you should've said right? But your heart thumps harder every second making your eyes spill the tears gathering in them.

You remember Jungkook was really out of breath and was also wearing different slippers that day.

“Since it was pretty late, he couldn't even book a cab quickly..” Yoongi looks at you and notices how your gaze is zeroed onto him and immediately understands your expressions.

“Hey, I am not trying to make you feel bad or something like that, what he did and what you guys decided is totally none of my business but I just wanted to tell you that giving a second chance is not easy and I really wish things work out for your relationship. I really appreciate you both working through so much stress you know? I can see what his vision meant when he wanted to quit last month.”

“What?” You whisper

“No no, he doesn't want to quit now, I mean after what you both decided Namjoon talked to Mr. Park and handled it..” when Yoongi doesn’t see you respond to whatever he said he realizes that you look lost.

“You don't know, do you?”

“Don't know what?” You whisper again, heart racing. Why do you feel you're not gonna like what he is gonna say?

There is a pause, a very uncomfortable pause. He visibly scans your face and inhales sharply as if deciding against or in favor of telling you about the whole situation.

You clench your pajama pants into your fists as your hand rests on your lap. The kitchen felt stuffy all of a sudden. This might seem like an overreaction but your body feels defensive all of a sudden, deciding between running away or ripping the bandaid off.

Deciding on the latter you ask,

“Yoongi, please tell me?” You request softly and at your almost inaudible request, Yoongi sighs, giving up. He shuts his eyes for a second and then looks up smiling sadly at you.

You hold your breath.

“Um, he was promoted to be the next VP of the agency, and uh..” he rubs the back of his neck looking away, avoiding the eye contact with you.

“And he rejected it?” You whisper and Yoongi nods, still not looking at you.

“The job required him to give more time into his job, more hours away from home. From you and her.” He looks at you and then points his chin in your tummy’s direction.

“So when they told him the details about the hours and the business trips, he immediately refused. Since he was the most eligible person for the job, the CEO, Mr Park..” he says,

“Mr. Park.” You say at the same time nodding.

“Yes, Mr. Park tried convincing him saying he’ll adjust according to your due date and whatever changes Kook would want to his schedule but this kid..” Yoongi chuckles shaking his head, “..rejected it, saying if he had to quit the job he would do it but he would not add onto whatever hours he was working.”

“Then suddenly..” Yoongi picks up a tangerine from the fruit bowl and starts peeling it.

“He came up with an idea of actually quitting in order to give more time to you and your child, so when Namjoon said and I quote, ‘Y/N is gonna kill you if you do that, she knows how much you worked for this’ Jungkook said that you both decided mutually that rejecting the promotion was okay and you were okay with whatever he decided about his job. Which…looking at you right now doesn't seem like it.” Yoongi looks at you with a hesitant expression, offering you the peeled fruit.

You feel your ears heat up and not out of good reason, you are actually mad at him. You were hearing all of this for the first time and you can't believe he backed off from the job he got offered after working so hard. The reason he used to work his ass off, extra time, no holidays, always punctual, not caring about his meals and whatnot, and then just fucking backed off?

"When was this?" You say gritting your teeth, eyes glistening with angry tears, eyes still on Yoongi.

You take the piece of fruit from his hand and shove it in your mouth, eyes red with tears in them.

“Y/N..”

“Why didn't he tell me? And wait a minute he said it was a mutual decision?! What the hell?”

“Y/N, he must have had a reason for saying so, he did explain the reasons and it sounded like he gave it a lot of thought. “

“Don’t you mean WE gave it a lot of thought? hah.” You say chuckling bitterly, swallowing the fruit, your hand going through your hair in frustration as you face the direction where your husband showers unaware of the angry volcano on the other side of the bathroom door.

“What the hell is wrong with him?!” You almost scream but lower your voice remembering your parents are asleep, immediately looking around warily and Yoongi does the same, with similar expressions on his face.

“Sorry, I just feel so mad right now.” You say squeezing your eyes shut, speaking through your teeth.

“I guess you should talk to him,” he says looking at you softly.

“You’re damn right I will-“ you say

“But not now, privately, okay?”

You look at him breathing heavily, cheeks wet with tears, his eyes pleading to not lose your calm immediately. You look at his anger and countless emotions swirling in your mind, nose flaring.

“Ah, okay fine.” You say throwing your hands in frustration, coming back to wipe the tears off your cheeks.

The next few minutes Yoongi tried not to talk about anything and you just swirled your spoon in the spoon Yoongi served for you. He constantly made sure you were sipping the soup, giving you water, and peeling another tangerine for you.

He almost sighed in relief when the bathroom door clicked open and Jungkook came out of the washroom. The steam rushed out of the white-tiled space along with a drippy Jungkook and a goddamned towel around his waist.

You feel madder now. Is that even a word? You don't care because that's how you feel. Madder.

Remember when you said how your emotions were on a roll these days? Yea. It was an understatement because the moment you saw your husband with that damned towel hanging low on his hips your anger turned into angry horniness, you wished, only for a second, but wished Yoongi wasn't here so that you could straddle the half-naked guy and ask him about the stupid decision he made.

Although Jungkook had immediately rushed into the room to get some clothes on him it was enough to make your ovaries light up on fire. You're mad and horny, two things that don't go well for you. Especially not in this state.

"Hey guys I am sorry, I had to wash off all that puke stench. Why didn't you guys start eating yet?"

"I don't know maybe you took very long to shower." You snap at your husband and he freezes in his tracks to get the plate.

"Y/N, I was there for only 10 mins."

“I don't know, felt like 10 years."aAt your tone Jungkook looks at you concerned and then at Yoongi who watches awkwardly, the whole scene unfolding in front of him.

"Guys you know what I think I am gonna head home, I have eaten with Jimin earlier and need sleep."

“No- yoongi eat please-“ you request feeling guilty for making him awkward.

“Yes hyung, please finish your dinner.” Jungkook says, looking at his hyung but then flicking his gaze back at you.

“No no its really okay.” Yoongi says, already walking away from the island.

"Okay, hyung." He says after a second his eyes wandering back to you observing your sour mood. Eyebrows furrowed with thought while you just chewed on the rice mixed with the curry not looking at Jungkook after waving to Yoongi.

Yoongi walks towards the doorway with slow steps, the footsteps echoing along with the tinkled spoon made inside the curry bowl. He grabs the keys and walks towards the two of you, giving you a nod and patting Jungkook’s back.

"Take care Y/N and you too, kook." He stares two seconds longer at the younger male and then nods at him. Jungkook gets up halfway to which Yoongi waves in a signal for Jungkook to not bother seeing him off.

The door clicks shut leaving you and Jungkook in silence.

"Y/N wha-"

"Eat, Jungkook."

At your stern tone, Jungkook flinches and just resumes eating in silence. Silence for almost 10 minutes. 10 slow and irritating minutes. It was like the clock ticked 10 seconds forward and then 40 seconds backward. The silence added to the awkwardness you both felt, making the time more unbearable.

Again, did you mention slow?

All the thoughts come back to your mind, every emotion holding your neck in a chokehold, everything that you’ve felt since the day started comes back. The conversation with your mom about how she asked you if you wanted to move back in with ever, you thought your mom wanted you to leave so you cried. All the emotions you felt then catching up to you.

The thoughts of being alone with him made you happy and cry at the same time in the afternoon while you finished working on the report your seniors asked you to finish before your leave started. You feel all the emotions you felt while rewatching the notebook in the evening before dinner. You feel all the emotions at once, those emotions which you felt when Jungkook called you from his car and, also when he called you from his office to check if you had your medicine.

The emotions of frustration and anger when Yoongi told you about the job offer and how your husband rejected it. The thoughts about something bad happening to your child come back and make your head dizzy. It's too much at the same time. You're happy that he is eating his food in silence because if he did say anything before you finish, you might actually run to the bathroom to vomit all of your emotions.

After minutes of frustration and anger and sadness and silence, you finally got up and almost threw the plate in the sink, Jungkook tried to get your plate but you just brushed past him huffing finally making Jungkook ask you the question you didn't want to hear and hear at the same time.

You wanted to talk to him about the whole thing and didn't at the same time. You were on an emotional rollercoaster, and Jungkook was gonna be the bird that hit the coaster blades, getting hurt.

"Y/N did I do something wrong?"

"Oh, do you do anything right these days Jungkook? I don't think so." You chuckle throwing the glass of water into the sink thankfully not breaking it.

Turning towards your husband, you immediately regret saying what you said because he just looks like a kicked puppy. Big eyes filled with gloss, nose red, and wobbly chin. His features make you feel like the worst human being on this planet.

"Y/N, I am sorry for whatever it is but can you tell me what's wrong?" He whispers looking- no, pleading with his eyes as you stand like a wall in front of him.

"You tell me, did you do anything to make me feel stupid and pathetic recently?" You say pointedly. Venom. Pure venom.

"Baby.."

"Don’t. Don't call me that." You say firmly.

"Shit- I am sorry Y/N please tell me what happened..wait-" You push yourself away from the counter instantly feeling the pain in your lower back.

“Bab- Y/N wait.” He rushes to your side holding one of your hands and one holding your waist, giving you support but somehow his touch stings, in the best way. You hate your mind and heart. You just hate it.

“No, I can walk myself I am not a toddler.” He doesn't let go of your hand even though you tell him to, he helps you walk towards your room. You try to tell him that you can walk alone but he doesn't listen instead he just hums or mutters 'I know' and it infuriates you more.

Why isn’t he saying anything? You’re literally acting like a spoiled kid right now.

Opening the door he walks you inside the room and helps you sit on the bed. As you take heavy breaths placing a hand on your chest you feel how rapidly your heart raced.

Removing the lid of the glass sitting on your nightstand, he helps you sip some of the liquid. You feel tears in your eyes and when he removes the glass from your lips he just smiles sadly at you and wipes the tears from your face with his thumb.

Leaning into his touch you say, "Why are you okay with me being like this to you?"

Okay, that's a dumb question ask Jeon Y/N, you're mad at him but just looking at him you feel like you are treating him like shit for something he doesn't deserve. Of course, he cheated on you, of course, you want to not love him because of that, and of course, your heart aches when you think of the betrayal but can you ever unlove him? Can you ever hurt him knowing you're gonna hurt him and not feel bad? Can you ever just look at him and feel nothing for him? Can you ever not love him?

Your head feels buzzed and when he speaks and your anger explodes.

"I deserve it, baby." You scrunch his t-shirt in your hand and pull him towards you, making him almost fall on you but he regains his balance by placing one of his hands on the comforter. With wide eyes, he just stares at you and the way your eyes brim with fresh tears. He tilts his head as if feeling guilty for the tears but you don't let him say anything.

"Why?" At this he looks at you confused.

The other tattooed hand finds its way on top of your wrist holding his t-shirt and you feel your sanity fly away for a second but at his confused expression, you feel your anger come back.

"Y/N what-" he sputters with big eyes

"Why did you reject the job offer?" you finally say.

Pin. Drop. Silence.

"What?" he breathes out.

"You think you can make that big of a decision by yourself? " you say sniffling.

"How did you-"

"How did I know? How about, why didn't I know?" You raise your voice slightly, and he shuts the door so that your parents don't get their sleep interrupted, tilting slightly towards the entrance, your bed not being that far from the door.

"Y/N I am sorr-" you cut him off mid sentence.

"Sorry? How many things are gonna be okay just because you apologize Jungkook?! It was your dream, you worked so hard for it.." you say feeling tears spill out of your eyes and when he just looks down at your lap with his lips twisted in a straight line guiltily, you can't help but yell at him a bit, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

You didn't realize when your hand shifted from the t-shirt's neckline to his neck. You realize that only when his eyes shut for a second at the feeling of your hands on his face, the other hand coming to sit on top of the comforter on the other side of your body. Holding onto his face you asked him the question with big teary eyes, wet cheeks, and a wobbly chin.

"Tell me, kook?"

Sighing he answers, "Baby, they wanted me to go away."

"Don't lie to me, Jungkook, please. Yoongi told me they were ready to fix the schedule according to you -"

"And you think they were gonna do that for me forever?" He asks.

"Why did you say that I agreed then? Why did you lie? Why didn't you come talk to me? Do you think I wouldn't have understood or that you think it's not important for me to know?"

"Would you have let me quit if I wanted to?" He asked instantly.

You pause. Dammit.

"You see? That's why I didn't tell you. You're already handling so many responsibilities, I didn't wanna worry you more." He says, eyes turning soft.

You look at him. Eyes looking at him trying to find dishonesty, the thing was, Jungkook doesn't lie. Even after he did what he did, he came out to you truthfully. It hurt but you're where you are because he was honest. It's the bare minimum, honesty, but its rare. At least in your experience. But not with Jungkook. He can't lie.

"They were willing to change my schedule for me only until she is born.." he says looking at your tummy and then lifting his eyes to look at you.

"..I can't risk being away from you again. It might sound like I am lying but Y/N, baby, I don't wanna be away from you even for a single second. I wanna prove myself to be worthy of a second chance. I wanna be worthy of you and her. I can’t imagine my life even for a second without you or her. You can push me all you want, you can yell at me all you want but don't tell me that I should've chosen a job and not my family. I know I don’t have an answer for why I did what.." he pauses gulps and continues.

"...I did, I myself don't know why I did it, and trust me if I could turn back the time I would. But baby..." he puts his hand on yours that is resting on his cheek waiting for a second, barely visible, but he waits for some kind of negative reaction to him touching you. When he senses none, he continues,

"...I love you, and I will love you for my whole life, I will love you and my family until I breathe. I am so sorry for fucking things up but I want to fix them, I can fix them, we will fix it. Just don't please.." he squeezes his eyes shut slightly squeezing your hand as well.

"... don't ask me to go away from you. I can't live away from you. I would quit my job if that's what it takes to be with my family, to take care of my family, to take care of you, and to take care of us. Please tell me I can be with you, can you please tell me you don’t want me to go away? Pleas- “

You tell him exactly that, but not verbally because wasn’t it ironic how he feels sorry for not knowing why he did what he did when you don't even think of any second thoughts before you do what you do, without knowing why.

Lips crashing on his, you shut him up with an answer you feel him absorbing inside him. He freezes when you kiss him, his breath stuttering when you move your lips against him. You squeeze his t-shirt in desperate need, and you feel him flutter his eyelids against your cheekbones, your tears mixing with his, and he kisses you back.

Does it last? Does your happiness last? No.

As soon as he moves his lips, you hear him sniffle and break the kiss. His eyes are still red, and his cheeks are slightly wet as well. He sniffles again, but the only sound you can hear is your heartbreaking because he moves away.

Away from the bed. Away from the comforter. Away from the kiss. Away from you.

He gets up and takes a step back, shaking his head, eyes squeezed shut. He curses under his breath as if regaining his composure while you just stare at the space where he was sitting earlier.

“I- I am sorry, Y/N. I shouldn't, I can't. I am really sorry, I shouldn't. I just shouldn't. I am sorry.”

And he leaves the room, shutting the door, not completely but leaving it slightly ajar. It's just like he does always. You hear the kitchen tap opening. He probably is doing the dishes. You hear everything from outside the door, but you feel like there's radio silence in your room.

A low beep-like sound ringing in your ears, embarrassment? Hurt? Love? Anger? Betrayal? Pain? Need? Desire? You feel so much at once, and you don't know what to do with it. This is getting so much more fucked and somehow you both find new ways to make this way tougher than anyone can imagine.

After some time, you hear the lights outside click off, and you can't help but wish he came to you. He does, but only to keep a fresh glass of water on the nightstand. He wishes you good night in a whisper, glancing once at your face and then,

...leaves.

Well, shit.

___________________________________________

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[damagedcoda6669]

how did youknow youbhad bpd? what were the main "symptoms" ?? soryif it comes off as personal or uncomfy you dont hsveto answer

(im rlly rlly rlly autistic abt bpd PREPARE 4 AN ENTIRE BIBLE ABT HOW I DISCOVERED I HAD IT)

ive exhibited symptoms of bpd my entire life (it usually starts 2 present in childhood or early adulthood, it comes from childhood abuse/neglect) i only started 2 notice something was wrong in my tweens/early teens, when malachi became my favorite person and every1 was calling me mentally ill and weird and obsessive. ive known my entire life i was neurodivergent (first started therapy at 6 or 7, diagnosed with bipolar + autism + adhd + depression + anxiety RLLY early on) but there was something else that felt wrong 2 me. at that age i didnt rlly know what 2 search 4 or who 2 talk 2, so i just went on google and searched "love disorders" and obsessive love disorder came up (which isnt even in the DSM iirc) and i posted on google plus saying i likely had that and was shot down IMMEDIATELY 4 "self diagnosing" so i didnt revisit it again until a few years later.

after my breakup in 2021 i felt like it hurt WAY MORE than was normal. i stumbled across a video abt bpd during that time period and it resonated with me way 2 much. im impulsive, i have angry outbursts, im constantly suicidal, i self harm, i have extreme mood swings, i dont know who i am and ive always just mirrored other ppl, i dissociate, i have black and white thinking, i view ppl as all good or all bad and i split, i have consistently unstable relationships, i get attached 2 ppl more than i should be, and i have a paralyzing, nauseating fear of abandonment. i have every symptom in the diagnostic criteria.

i brought up the possibility of me having bpd with my mom i think (i had no one else 2 go 2 becuz all of my friends abandoned me and my parents took away my internet access) and i was shot down again, with my mom saying the CLASSIC "(insert family member) has bpd and shes crazy. ur normal. stop pretending theres something wrong with u. if u had bpd u'd be vindictive and petty and evil. do u think ur those things?"

once i figured out how 2 get my internet access back, maryland dude forced the bpd label on2 me becuz he wanted 2 explain my "abusive" behaviors (he was abusing me but tried 2 gaslight me in2 thinking i had a victim complex and that it was the other way around) and i became uncomfortable with the label becuz he made it seem like if i had bpd then i was a bad person. i continued researching the disorder becuz it still resonated with me even though i was now insecure abt it.

i became comfortable with the label again after he abandoned me, and i brought it up with my therapist. my therapist would HEAVILY DENY that i had bpd, telling me that "if u had bpd u would be attempting suicide 4 attention" "u fit the diagnostic criteria but ur autistic so all of ur symptoms can just be attributed 2 autism srry" "ive had clients with bpd and if u were like them u wouldve had an outburst in my office and be yelling at me by now" and she would even smile at me whenever i brought up my bpd becuz she thought it was funny that i thought i had it, i think. the first time i brought it up with her she told me "its rlly irresponsible 2 self diagnose after reading liek two articles online abt some extreme disorder becuz u think ur broken. ur not broken. dont self diagnose with bpd" and i had to EXPLAIN 2 HER that i wasnt self diagnosing and that id researched it in depth 4 years actually and that she was making assumptions. horribly ableist towards ppl with cluster b disorders, this is a MASSIVE RED FLAG but i didnt switch therapists becuz i was still living with my parents at this point and i felt out of control in every aspect of my life 4 this reason, i didnt even see switching therapists as an option.

then in 2023, while i was homeless, i got evaulated by a psychiatrist. i discussed my bpd with him and finally got diagnosed. i told my therapist i was diagnosed with bpd and she said something like "well im not always gonna be able 2 catch everything" BUT I WAS TELLING U ABT MY BPD 4 MONTHS!!!!! so glad i dont have that therapist anymore but now i dont have one at all, so liek.. hrmmm >:c

im gonna end this by saying.. self diagnosis is valid!!! its so hard 2 get a bpd diagnosis becuz its so demonized and stigmatized, that even those in the mental health system r ableist towards the disorder and those who have it. diagnosis is not always an option with disorders like bpd, and thats so frustrating. its so hard 2 find help becuz every1 thinks ur crazy. but ur not crazy!!! i love all my fellow bpders, i know how agonizing and it is 2 live this tormented life. if u suspect u have bpd, the bpd community welcomes u and supports u!!! and i do 2 :3

[thatbitchery]

Jordan Peterson says there's a pandemic of 'careless therapy' in the west and I fully agree. The idea is most psychology and psychiatry practices especially in the west are married by the early 70s *You Are Okay Just The Way You Are* flimsy surface level self esteem boost bullshit that isn't helping anyone. Why is this even important - it is absolute bs. The amount of people that I have known to be in therapy for YEARS and the only thing that changes is their self concept is actually scary, because western therapists are taught in the Wokeism bs of self affirming pumped up dumb ideologies that do not help.

You pay for problem solving.

The reason you pay someone is to solve a problem you have, not just diagnose it. Yes your therapist telling you you have PTSD is good for you yay now you have a name for it BUT if they don't tell you how to deal with it what was the point of the diagnosis?? Nothing has changed you still suffer you just have a name for it. Most of you will talk to me about *I started going to therapy* and the only thing you do in that little room is talking about your past- what's the point??? You already know your past, if they are not giving you solutions wrap it up and find a therapist that actually knows what they are doing and isnt marred by the egoistical western approach to life of me myself and. Even back in uni my Psychology professors were the most careless of the bunch, trying so hard to not get canceled soieting around things that actually affect life trying to reinforce the idea that all you need is to believe in yourself. Everyone that doesn't agree with you is toxic and you should be able to scream at your parents and bosses and get away with it because you have a right to opinion- I even skipped those classes. Took me changing my therapist 4 times to land to my now realistic stoic therapist that actually tells you the truth (she's in her late 50s, so maybe there's that).

If the people you are paying to solve your problems are not telling you how to solve those problems- you fire them. If your therapist is sounding like something a 15 year old tiktoker would say you fire them and find your money's worth. If your money is on the table you get solutions. Knowing you have daddy issues is great- now how do you deal with that? Will they give you practical solutions to do on your days to day basis?? Do these solutions make sense in a realistic POV?? Does your therapist telling you you should be able to express yourself so shouting at your mom when you live in her house is okay make sense to you??? Is it even realistic?? She is trying to not lose her license so she'll tell you what she needs to say to keep it, but if it's not helping you what's the point?? It's not like it's 10£ that you can just burn is it??

If you do not see actual tangible results that are not only in your head in two months you fire them and move on. It's crazy how everyone in my dms has a therapist but doesn't know how to deal with things so simple because all you do is sit in a cozy little room for an hour and talk about your past. Its YOUR past you already know it what's the point of paying all that to trauma dump when you can do it online for free??

Mentorship is the ONLY space you can go home without seeing results because it's free. You do not pay your mentor and you should be grateful for their time. When it comes to everyone else, your money on the table means results. If you've had a life coach for more than two months and you can not see real time tangible results you fire them and find another, that's wasting your money and time. Felling good will not make you a millionaire will it? If your dietician doesn't hand you a meal plan within your budget that gives you results in two months you fire them.

Results. And feelings are not results. *I feel better about myself now and understand where my pain is coming from* good for you, now what. What's next. Now what??? How is that helpful. *I'm okay I'm just autistic* good for you I know the relief of finding out you are not the problem, your brain is . Now what. What next. How will you live with that and still achieve your goals?? Whats next?

This is why in my books,Behavioral Therapy (CBT / DBT) are the most practical forms of therapy. Actual solutions. Actual tools for your day to day living. Not just talking and diagnosing (these are helpful yes) but actual solutions that work. How will knowing you have CPTSD help if you do not have the tools to deal with it? What's the point??) it's just a name.

Careless psychology is a pandemic, and a waste of time, money and energy. If you do not have actual tangible real time solutions in a month fire them and hire a stoic life coach. It's better.

Solutions. That's what money is for- buying solutions.

Podcast

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[bau-drabbles]

a/n: inspired from all the prev posts!

your insta but you're dating aaron hotchner part 2 :")

part 1, 3, 4

liked by kate.callahan, the.davidrossi and 497 others

y/n_xo: look at my faves 🫶🥹.... and then there's aaron

view all 211 comments

its.emilyp: jumpscare warning next time 😨

d.morgan: nah he looks like he's concocting some evil plan

penny.garcia: he looks like he's going to steal christmas

reid.gram: he looks like he kidnapped my mom and held her hostage somewhere 😦

itsjj: just smile and wave, kids. smile and wave 🥲

d.morgan: crop him out next time fr 🙏

a.hotch: i'll crop you out of the team

d.morgan: say less 😍😮‍💨 least ion have an ugly smile

a.hotch: what smile? you just bare your teeth

y/n_xo: oh 😭

liked by penny.garcia, reid.gram and 489 others

y/n_xo: meme jack really quickly 🫣

view all 278 comments

reid.gram: jack is me when hotch is asking me to get to the point even though my point was the whole theory 🙂

penny.garcia: omg me when he tells me to search something more quickly even though i'm already working high speed 🙂

itsjj: me when he plants more files on my desk even though i'm drowning in the last ones 🙂

its.emilyp: he's me that one time hotch did "team building" and then proceeded to complain the whole time 🙂

d.morgan: me when i made one mistake and he held it against me for months but goes on about forgiving and how its important to move on 🙂

the.davidrossi: me looking at him ogling @/y/n_xo for months and then passionately disagreeing he was in love

y/n_xo: so i'm sensing some of you need therapy 🧍‍♀️

a.hotch: all of you are dead to me

liked by its.emilyp, itsjj and 524 others

y/n_xo: i really got replaced 💔

view all 200 comments

the.davidrossi: WHERE are you finding these???

itsjj: so... who's the wife in the relationship? 🤔

its.emilyp: it's rossi for sure

reid.gram: i would say hotch. the angle of the selfie says it all

d.morgan: nah it gotta be rossi, he types and cooks like a mom. sometimes he even be smelling like one

the.davidrossi: all of you are out of my will

d.morgan: i complimented your cooking and this is the attitude i get? choke

its.emilyp: you're probably immortal at this point, poisoning and sucking the life out of other people so you can drive us to insanity which would inevitably lead us to our doom. but i see right through you 😒

itsjj: sweetheart we need to stop watching horror movies at night time, okay?

a.hotch: it's not what it looks like!

y/n_xo: i don't know if i should cry or be disgusted >:(

a.hotch: baby, i haven't cheated. i promise you ❤

y/n_xo: omg could you imagine if you did with rossi? 💀

the.davidrossi: what is that supposed to mean? 🤨

reid.gram: she means you're old and embarrassing. and maybe even disgusting 🤷‍♂️

y/n_xo: i will physically mutilate you and feed you to wild dogs

itsjj: thanks for that, my kids are crying

liked by the.davidrossi, a.hotch and 478 others

y/n_xo: my bae 😍

view all 234 comments

reid.gram: we literally have a pending case right now y/n

y/n_xo: okay? he's still a bae 😍

reid.gram: awww really? hope you guys find out you're related 😍🤞

penny.garcia: well... at least we know those frown lines are removable 😌

reid.gram: in a time like this, his frown lines are what matters to you? imagine if he was dead

itsjj: omg imagine he was and you guys were discussing his frown lines. i'd resurrect and haunt everyone on this thread

reid.gram: don't worry, your cheeto breath would give you away instantly 🤢

penny.garcia: all i'm saying is i'd want to make sure our boss got a nice makeover one last time in the coffin. and you can't do that if you have bad indentations on your forehead 💗💗

itsjj: this alone should give you employee of the year 😍

a.hotch: i think we need to have a serious talk

d.morgan: seeing hotch not angry makes me feel deeply uncomfortable

its.emilyp: no cause same. someone poke him and see if he's alive

y/n_xo: you'd think i'd kill him? 😡

its.emilyp: if you did, there'd be no one between us would there? 😏

y/n_xo: 😳

a.hotch: i'm wide awake, thank you 😠

its.emilyp: its like he's still with us 😢 i can almost feel his presence 💔

[void-wolfie]

Family Ties

summary: you decide it's finally come out to your parents.

pairing: Jenna Ortega x fem!Reader

tw: homophobia/biphobia, angst

words: 2.26k

a/n: it's my birthday, yay! here is a slightly birthday-themed post. this one hits me a bit hard but mostly because it largely stems from my own insecurities. anyways, y'all love your angst, so I figured I would supply.

*I am not paying for y'alls therapy, reader discretion is advised

You sat in your car outside the small two-story house. Its brown walls and open windows seemed to mock you, tall and daunting. Of course, it wasn’t the house that set your nerves on edge, your anxiety growing the longer you sat, it was what lay inside. Your parents.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Jenna asked, watching you worriedly from the passenger seat.

No. You didn’t want to do this. You’d rather go back home and binge-watch TV with Jenna for the rest of the night. But what would life be if not for making hard choices?

“Not really. But I need to.” You grimaced, thinking about what horrors the night might bring.

“I’ll be right here the whole time,” Jenna interlocked your fingers with hers, doing her best to reassure you.

“Thank you, baby,” You brought her hand to your lips, kissing the back of her knuckles.

You knocked on the front door, pushing it open without waiting for anyone to answer it. It was your childhood home after all, and you knew your parents wouldn’t mind.

“Mom? Dad?” You stepped into the hallway, Jenna following just behind you.

“y/n?” Your mom appeared from around the corner, your dad just a few steps behind her.

“How are you, baby?” She held out her arms for a hug, which you fell into.

“I’m alright,”

“Good! Happy birthday, sweetheart.”

“Thanks, Mom,”

She finally let you go, her eyes catching Jenna standing just over your shoulder. “Jenna, darling, so good to see you again!”

You let the two of them do their thing while you greeted your dad.

He pulled you in for a hug, patting you on the back, "Happy birthday, kiddo,"

"Thanks, Dad,"

Your dad was more on the quiet side, unlike your mom who was very much a social butterfly. He was usually the more relaxed one, which you often found comfort in.

The sound of conversation mixed with that of clinking silverware. Dinner had been served and everyone was catching up. Your parents were currently talking off your girlfriend’s ear, interrogating her on her up-and-coming projects.

But you weren't paying them any attention. Your eyes were dead set on the table, lost in your own world of thoughts. Would they be mad? Disappointed? Upset? Of course, they would be upset, this was going against everything they believed in... Would they call you names, or just shun you altogether? Would they throw you out? Cut you off? Not that you relied on them much anymore financially, but still, they were your parents...

"Earth to y/n, hello?" Your name being called brought you back from your spiraling thoughts. You looked up to find everyone looking in your direction. Jenna was shooting you a worried look, her hand intertwining with yours underneath the table.

"Oh, sorry," you apologized, hoping to brush off the awkwardness that clung to the air.

"Where'd you go, kiddo? We lost ya there for a second," your dad said with a chuckle, taking another bite of his food.

"Just thinking," you squeezed Jenna's hand, hoping your parents wouldn't notice how anxious you were. Your knee was bouncing up and down under the table, you nearly felt sick from all the worrying.

"Thinking about what?" Your mom asked.

Of course, she wanted to know. Ever so the nosy one, always needing to be in everyone's business.

"Um," should you tell them now? You looked at Jenna, wishing you could read her mind and know what she was thinking, but she only looked at you with that same curious glance.

Fuck it. What do you have to lose... besides everything... "Actually, I- um. There's something I want to tell you both..."

You could practically feel the blood pumping through your veins, your hands shaking violently under the table. Your heart felt like it might burst from how fast it was beating. It's now or never...

"Okay?" Your parents exchanged curious glances, the two of them wondering what could possibly be so important to have you acting so oddly.

Fuck. Where to start? What to say? Your mind was reeling. Everything felt like it was too much. But you had to do this, you couldn't avoid it forever.

You took a deep breath in an attempt to calm your nerves, but that didn't stop the words from rushing out of your mouth, "Jenna and I are dating. We've been in a relationship for two years now."

The room was dead silent. The only noise coming from the rain outside and the air conditioner quietly whirring in the background.

Both you and Jenna were eyeing your parents, waiting for some kind of reaction.

"What?"

Both your parents wore blank expressions. You almost wished they weren't, that they'd have some kind of emotion on their face, that way you could tell if they were upset or not. But a blank face was debatably better than an angry one.

"I'm dating Jenna." You said it again, not nearly as fast this time and with a little more confidence.

More silence. It hung in the air like a thick smog, suffocating you as it squeezed the breath from your lungs. The longer you had to wait the less you could sit still, nearly shaking in your chair out of anticipation.

"Is this a joke?" Your mom’s voice held a dangerous tone, one you'd learned meant trouble over the years.

"No." You made sure to keep your voice flat, hiding how you truly felt inside.

You knew what was coming. Despite your hopes that they might actually care, that they might actually love you, you knew the truth. Your parents would never accept someone like you as their daughter. You would've been better off if you'd told them you were a murderer.

"Get out." Your mother refused to meet your eyes, staring down at her plate instead. She had said it quietly and calmly, but you could see past that cool exterior, you could see the storm raging inside. She was furious.

"What?" Jenna spoke up, looking between your mother and father.

She couldn’t believe it. Your parents had always been so welcoming, so warm to her. You had always acted like such a happy family, and she was just going to kick you out?

Your mom’s eyes snapped up, glaring daggers at Jenna, "I said. Get. Out."

You could feel the tension in the air, thick as it filled up the room. Time to go.

"Come on, Jenna." You stood up, hoping you could pull Jenna from the house before things got too ugly, "If they don't love me for me, that's fine."

You noticed your father wince at the comment, his gaze dropping to the ground. Part of you wondered if he shared your mother's beliefs, if he hated you as well. He has always been the more levelheaded one, maybe there was hope for him.

"No." Jenna stood up, her eyes were still trained on your mother with a fury like you'd never seen before.

"Jenna, don't." You tried to stop her, but you could tell from the determined look on her face she didn't care.

"Are you really that shallow? You'll shun your daughter completely, all because of who she loves?"

"I'll not have a daughter who's a-"

"Who's a what? Say it," Jenna was challenging her now, daring her to say that forbidden word.

"You're a disgrace, you know that?" Your moms’ eyes darted over to you, "It's a sin and you're going to hell."

You scoffed, trying to act strong despite the tears in your eyes and the ache in your chest, "that’s fine, as long as I don't have to hear your bigoted comments for the rest of eternity."

Your mom shot up from the table, her chair sliding backward across the tile. Despite the look of rage, her eyes were watering as well, "How could you do this to me? To us?!"

"Do this to you...? Do you really think I started dating her because I wanted to hurt you?" Your vision was blurred from the tears silently streaming down your face. Your hands clenched as you tried to bottle up your rampant emotions. Everything was going to shit.

"Are you? Because from here, that's exactly what it looks like-"

"No! I would never try and hurt you. You told me to find someone that makes me happy, she makes me happy!"

"I said go find a nice boy to make you happy! Not to go practice sacrilege!”

"Are you insane? Do you even hear yourself?" Jenna jumped in, standing in front of you protectively.

You pulled Jenna back beside you, taking a step closer to your mother, "Let me spell it out for you. I'm bisexual. It's not something I can choose. It's who I am, it's in my DNA. I love Jenna and that's not changing any time soon. And I love you, you’re my mom, you raised me and cared for me, and taught me everything I know. But a real mother wouldn't disown me for being me."

It all happened so fast. Before you even knew what was happening you were on the floor, a red handprint staining your cheek.

You were in shock. Your hand cupping the forming red mark. She slapped you. She actually slapped you...

When you finally focused back on the situation, Jenna was kneeling in front of you. Her eyes were swimming with so many different emotions, but you couldn't miss her little concerned pout. You melted into her hands, how they cupped your face so gently as she examined the mark.

At the flip of a switch, her face contorted. What once was full of worry and concern had been taken over by hate and rage. It scared you.

Jenna spun around, wildly flinging insults at your mother. A shouting match had started, but you weren’t listening. All you could see was the image of your mother slapping you, repeating in your head over and over. Her face was full of so much hate and anger. How could someone who was supposed to love you do something so horrid?

You stood up, shaking off the shock and your spiraling thoughts.

“We’re leaving.” You stated simply, interrupting their screaming. You grabbed Jenna’s hand, lacing your fingers together as you pulled her towards the door with you.

You stood in the doorway, a nagging feeling sitting in the pit of your gut. You had more you wanted to say, but should you? Your mother made it more than clear she wasn’t willing to listen, that she was more than fine abandoning you.

You pushed yourself out the door without another word, walking through the rain. You handed Jenna the car keys, silently asking her to drive home. She took them without saying anything, understanding what you were asking.

Neither you nor Jenna said anything as you got into the car, the two of you still comprehending the nightmare that had just happened.

"Please take me home," you asked softly, ignoring the tears falling down your face.

You had been in the shower for over an hour now. It wasn’t abnormal for you to take long showers, but never this long. Jenna was worried.

The warm water had long since turned cold, leaving you shivering on the tile floor. Your head was buried in your arms, your knees pulled up to your chest. The sound of the water running effectively drowning out the sounds of your sobs.

You were heartbroken.

Your whole life there was this belief that your family would love you no matter what, that they would accept you for who you were. It’s still true, but after the scene at your parent’s house… your idea of family had been fundamentally shifted. Your parents weren’t your family anymore.

There was a knock on the bathroom door, “You alright in there, baby?” Jenna’s voice echoed throughout the bathroom.

You took a deep breath, trying to stop the crying, “Fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Your voice came out shaky and hoarse. Jenna could tell you’d been crying from the other side of the door; if your voice hadn’t given it away the sound of you sobbing when she opened the door would have been.

Jenna wanted nothing more than to hug you tight, kiss your forehead and wipe away the tears. But she knew you needed some space. She closed the bathroom door and waited back on your bed, her patience wearing thin as worry settled in.

The minute you were out of the shower and done changing, you could see it. You looked like a mess. Bloodshot eyes stared back at you in the mirror. Your nose and cheeks were red from all the crying. Your chest ached and your throat felt like it was on fire.

The second you were out of the bathroom Jenna was already staring at you. The way you looked so hurt, eyes bloodshot and shoulders slumped, it broke her heart. You deserved better.

You didn’t say anything, just walking up to her silently and falling into her arms. You were fresh out of tears, with nothing left to give. You just wanted the pain to go away.

Jenna pulled you onto the bed with her, letting you cuddle up into her arms. It wasn’t long before you were asleep, the exhaustion from the day having worn you out. Jenna held you a little bit tighter against her chest before falling asleep herself. She silently hoped that you knew, even if your parents didn’t, she loved you more than she would ever be able to articulate.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 3, Episode 8, Part 4: "Let The Games Begin", the part where Lorelai says that if Jess was trapped inside her burning house she would save her shoes first

Lorelai Gilmore, you are no Jack Pearson. I won't complete that thought, even though I'm feeling nice and mean and I totally should.

Scene: Lorelai and Rory are discussing the upcoming road trip to New Haven with the Gilmore Grands. Rory forgot to pack. Lorelai goes into panic mode. Rory questions why she needs to pack her entire closet for a short road trip. Lorelai recounts a family vacation story from her childhood that would be best unpacked in a lengthy therapy session, frets that her mother will lecture them for under-packing, starts rummaging through Rory's dresser. Rory catches Lorelai making a double entendre about a meaty taco and declares it was dirty. The show makes another dig at New Haven after Lorelai brings home a pamphlet about Exciting Things to Do In New Haven but it's only a few pages long.

You sound surprised, as if ya'll aren't wearing heavy coats and long sleeves in the spring and summer. I swear there's something in the drinking water affecting everyone's thyroids in this town, they can't regulate their body temperatures.

Could anyone tell I'm stalling here? Classic Salty.

Rory: Mom, stop rummaging through my shit. Awwwe. Even Evil Villains like Lorelai Gilmore get the blues. I'm surprised she decided to go on this road trip to Yale instead of sending Rory off alone with the Grands, that way she'd have the house and Dean Forrester to herself the entire day. Since Dean's sexual stamina only extends to 1-2 minutes, they could have had sex hundreds of times in a day.

Two quips that sprang to mind (couldn't decided which one was better): The only words Lorelai is thinking about right now are "Dean" and "Shower". Lorelai thinks Jess removed Rory's bracelet while they're in the shower together? Jess could only hope.

Excuse me for a moment... *deep inhale*

I went into the Tumblr gifs library and looked up "peaceful". Here is a nice, presumably not-evil, Peaceful Bunny.

So not only does Jess commit attempted vehicular homicide, and steal Quarters on a String, he steals said QOAS by forcibly ripping them directly off the wrists of poor unsuspsecting delicate young ladies.

Nice try. You think you're so slick, but you're not, Slick Gilly.

You all don't understand the effort it takes for me to break down a scene like this without taking the cowards way out and simply rage quitting (which I have done before). I have to come up with multiple lines of witty, cutting commentary about what is unfolding before me, when all I want to do is KEYBORD SMASH. SO, YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL!! ITS A FREE COUNTRY ISNT IT! BALD EAGLE BASEBALL APPLE PIE! (Deep inhale) sagfshafgahfgasvxzcywtryqwuhajlkansjbkfagsfyafvabsfvsdgr2347527q2y4q#&$T%#^%^#*U@(%)&@tGSHFBSHFSVAGFSFS FUCKYOULORELAIGILMORE#^&#^%&#^WGHFSHGAS@$%@^@

Thank for reminding the audience the reason why Lorelai thinks Jess should, ya know, die painfully and slowly. He was mouthy once. (the Netflix captions borked the line; Rory also said "and wrecked my car", but as if that makes Lorelai's treatment of Future Nephew any more justifable).

I am told that in a later season, Lorelai bemoans the fact that unlike Dean, Jess never offered to change her water bottle for her. NOW WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? YOU'RE ABOUT TO WISH HIM A FIREY DEATH. AND WHEN HE WAS (FORCIBLY) APPOINTED TO CLEAN YOUR GUTTERS YOU DIDN'T WANT HIS HELP..

Lorelai practically moans this, lol. We know "Change the water bottle" can mean two very different things. You ain't so slick, Slick Gilly.

Welcome to Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation Theater! See, here's the thing Slick Gilly, I watched an entire frigging episode about you accusing Jess of being a thief, it was called Lost and Found and it took me four frigging centuries to finish, I'm quite sure I have concrete evidence that you have accused him of stealing things. I am Jess Mariano's defense attorney and I will see you in court. Bring Rory too, she should also start getting used to what a court room looks like.

Rory, honey. Sweetie. Sugar bear. It's best you don't wish for a crystal ball. Just strap in to the rollercoaster that is dating Jess Mariano while living with your mother, and pray.

See, here's the thing Slick Gilly, I watched an entire frigging episode about you not letting Jess enter your house, it was called Swan Song and it will take me four frigging centuries to rewatch it.

This "Jess talks in grunts" shtick is getting old and moldy.

So not only does Jess commit attempted vehicular homicide, steal Quarters on a String, and steal said QOAS by forcibly ripipng them directly off the wrists of poor unsuspsecting delicate young ladies, but he's also an arsonist, and not only is he an arsonist, he's such a bad one that he'll apparently be killed by his handiwork? (he also can't be trusted to clean gutters). He was probably trying to off himself instead of live in Stars Hollow for another minute. Can we recall another time Rory tried to play this same grim hypothetical with her mom? Does Rory, like Jess, also have some kind of firey death wish? I mean, who can blame either of them. *twinkly flashback music to early season 2*

I notice Pigtails didn't say "my daughter" this time, either. Sorry Rory. Maybe try playing a third time until she answers with "Some form of human life." Lorelai lies to Rory's face that she "promised you before and am promising you again that I will cut "this kid" some slack." Alright, I ran through my 30 screen shots, let's stuff this scene in a sack and throw it into the lake with Shane and her swan family.

Rory: "You're just waiting for the day I break up with Jess." Lorelai The Villain: "Did I like Dean? Yes. Did I worry less when you were with dean? Yes! I never expected you to be with Dean forever. I don't expect you to be with Jess forever." What a pile of rancid baloney. Maybe he won't be with Rory forever, but 13 years later Jess becomes her nephew and will be a part of her family forever and I will never, ever, ever stop loving that. What JUSTICE.

When I hit my lowest of low valleys listening to this wretched woman spew her many lies and Gilly-Nonsense, It's often the only thing that makes me smile.

[meenawrites]

Humanized Spider: Pt 3

So I've made my peace that I'm not getting work done until I get this all out of my system. 

SO

Ronal's leading Spider's physical therapy, he goes on patrol walks with Tonowari through the village. 

The Metkayina seeing both their leaders doting on this kid just kind of accept it, like they trust them and their judgment and I mean the kid's smile is infectious, people kind of wait for him to smile and are like awwwww (because I said so, he should be loved damnit)

Neytiri still isn't allowed anywhere near him or even within his line of sight. She's definitely calmed down since her altercation with Ronal and has been using this time to reflect on herself, especially with Neteyam's clear protectiveness of the boy and Kiri honestly not really talking to her. Hearing what he's been through and what state he was in really put things in perspective for her and she spends a lot of time communing with Eywa in the cove of ancestors and just thinking over her past with Spider. I'd like to think she realizes how her trauma has allowed her to mistreat a child, but yeah. 

Jake doesn't have as many prohibitions on him of seeing the boy, but he avoids him a lot tbh. Guilt is eating away at him and he can't bear to look at Spider, nor his kids tbh cause they're all so angry with both parents, except Tuk (cause she doesn't really get it).

Aonung also starts kind of taking Spider around with him (I haven't forgotten about him). He was pretty reluctant at first about the human but when his mom of all people went all mama bear over him he was like, well there's no reason for me to be reticent then. His big bro senses are tingling every time he sees Spider now and he's just like must protect, he's so SMOL.

Kiri and Spider spend a lot of alone time together, which doesn't go unnoticed by Ronal and Tonowari (and Neteyam, he knows what's up). They're always holding each other in some way or Spider just kind of shoves his head into her shoulder when he wants attention. She takes him out to the reef and shows him everything she's wanted to show him since the moment she got here. Sometimes they just do activities in silence, basking in the other's presence, other times they'll just talk back and forth nonstop for hours. Kiri makes sure to kiss his growing hair every night and run her fingers through it or pulling at his curls and watching them bounce back up so he knows she loves them. 

Eventually, Kiri does confess to him. I'd like to imagine it's during a night where she's snatched Spider away from Neteyam's protective grasp and takes him out on her ikran for a night flight. Spider's has always loved Pandora's night sky and the stars so she gives it to him. He leans back into her and reaches his hands into the sky as if he could touch them and he looks more carefree than she's seen him since he came back. They land atop one of the few trees near Awa'atlu and settle back against its branches. She tells him she wants to talk to him about something and the seriousness of her expression sobers him up quickly. She says it kind of haltingly, and talks in a bit of a circle before she gets frustrated with herself and just kind of yells, "I LOVE YOU!" then immediately slaps her hands to her mouth, peering at him through her lashes. Spider is just completely slack-jawed and speechless. Like he legit can't believe this is real and actually slaps himself across the face, which serves only to jostle his mask painfully and Kiri hurries to grab his face like what the hell are you doing. And then Spider just starts laughing, his hands coming to cover her own. He can't stop laughing but he's also crying (happy tears yall) and knocks his masked forehead against her own and it comes out of him like an animal that's finally been released from its cage, "I love you, Kiri, so much, since I met you" and BAM adorable beans. I'm trying really hard not to slip into writing a fic rn so moving on. 

Spider's pretty much fully recovered by this point and Ronal and Tonowari finally take him aside and seriously ask him if they can adopt him. Well, Ronal kind of just declares they're adopting him and Tonowari has to correct her and is like, "only if you would permit it. We'd like to officially take you in as family." At this point Spider's cried more than he thinks he has in his entire life during his time with the Metkayina clan but he's still surprised when he tears up again and is just like, "are you serious? Really? Like adopt me like you're my parents?" He obviously can't believe it. And Tonowari's like, "yes, we'd like to be your spirit parents." Spider looks to Ronal for confirmation and wildly wonders if this is some sick joke but she looks just about as serious as he's ever seen her. And he just full on cries. Ronal can't hold back anymore and just pulls him to her side and lets him cry while Tonowari lays a hand on the back of his neck. 

But before officially being adopted, Spider thinks it's time to get some closure with the Sully's. So he has Neteyam ask Neytiri and Jake if they'd be willing to meet with him. It's Neytiri who says yes first, surprising all of them. Neteyam is quick to give a lecture to his parents, the first ever and it feels good tbh, about how they've treated Spider, how Neteyam feels about it, and that he cannot stand by and watch as they mistreat him any longer. He's been obedient for a lot of things, but he's choosing to take a stand against this officially. Obviously all the kids side with him. Tuk doesn't really understand what's going on but she adds in her two cents of, "I love Spider I don't want to see him hurt, please don't hurt him."

They go to meet Spider who has Ronal and Tonowari at his back at their insistence. Ronal is fuming and is dying to say something but she respects her new son's wishes. Tonowari is also angry obviously but he's just happy the kid has agreed and he can try to make up for how he has been treated. Spider flinches when he sees Neytiri but he forces himself to stay sitting. Jake can barely look at him but Neytiri actually looks him head on, and for the first time, he doesn't see a trace of dislike in her gaze, just an eerie calm and an edge of softness that's never been directed at him before. 

Spider takes the lead first. He's spent a lot of time thinking about his past and his relationship with the Sully's (or lack thereof) and a lot of Kiri, Neteyam, Tonowari, Ronal, and even Lo'ak (in a clumsy but endearing way) constantly telling him that he had deserved to be treated better, that who his parents were and had done wasn't his fault, that he was worthy, that it was wrong of them to leave him with the RDA. He couldn't really accept it at first, even vehemently denied it saying he understood. And while his understanding of their actions being motivated by trauma and stuff remained the same, he'd finally come to accept that he had deserved better. And he says as much to the two of them. It's nerve-wracking as hell, but it feels amazing to say, to finally express to them how hurt he felt by Neytiri's dislike for him, how awful it had been to have Jake be kind to him but pull away when it began to feel like anything. I lowkey think Jake starts crying tbh while Neytiri just listens calmly and takes everything in.

When he's done, Neytiri speaks first and wholeheartedly apologizes to him, not averting her gaze or anything. She says that he's right, that her experiences clouded her judgment and hardened her heart against him unfairly. It had drawn a thick veil over her eyes and she'd never tried to see him for who he was and not his blood. She makes no excuses for the way she treated him and says she doesn't dare ask for his forgiveness because she doesn't deserve it. She ignored one of the Great Mother's most important teachings and that will weigh on her always. She doesn't apologize for cutting him on the ship because she did what she felt needed to be done to save her daughter. And frankly Spider agrees which has Ronal about to go off in protest, but Spider smiles at her and she backs down reluctantly. Neytiri apologizes for everything else though and swears to Eywa that she will never do or say anything to consciously hurt Spider again, which seriously shocks him. An oath to Eywa is a big deal after all. He almost chokes up because of it. And then actually does when she says, "I see you" and he can feel she really does. 

Jake frankly has no words but tries his best to blubber through an apology about keeping him at arms length, not making sure he as cared for better, for leaving him behind and never attempting to rescue him. I'm not super invested in his apology as I'm writing this rn so I'm gonna skip past it but yeah. 

Spider steals himself then because he's about to admit something big to them. He's already told his new parents and they've coached him on how best to broach the subject. So he tells them that he knows they don't want to hear about Quarritch but it goes hand in hand with their treatment of his and his overall lack of adult care in his life. He explains with some difficulty what was done to him by the RDA, that Quarritch pulled him out of the torture, gave him more care than he'd ever received before and had been the first adult to genuinely care for his life despite how messed up that was. And then he admits to having saved Quarritch, that he made that split second decision because he couldn't just sit and let the only person who'd ever really cared about him drown. Neytiri is shocked to her core. She wants to run and scream but she sees Spider now, truly, and made an oath to Eywa, so she can't help but face up to the fact that this development was her fault. In her fear of how Spider would turn out like his father, she'd inadvertently contributed to this decision. In not going back for him and just taking Kiri with her and leaving, she had created this situation. So she doesn't get mad, doesn't feel like she's allowed to and apologizes to him again, but makes sure he knows that if she ever sees Quarritch again, she will kill him with no hesitation. 

AND THAT'S THAT YALL! For now anyway, I'd accept any asks about this AU (would love to receive some) because I've had a lot of fun writing this even if it hurts me. Spider is adopted by Tonowari and Ronal, recovers, finds his place in the village. Kiri and him go public and Kiri's ready to beat up anyone who says anything about it. Lo'ak is shook and Neteyam's just like FINALLY. Spider and Neteyam are closer than they've ever been. Obviously shit's gonna happen since the RDA is gone but Spider finally feels like he's rooted somewhere, like he's okay and doesn't only have to rely on himself to take care of himself. He's got a family now who fusses over him obsessively. He's about to become a big brother. The love of his life LOVES HIM BACK! And he starts wearing his hair mostly curly and finds his own sense of identity, no longer trying to copy Jake or try so hard to fit in. 

I'd like to say he's eventually blessed by Eywa and can breathe their air BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT! But yeah that's enough for now. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED!

PS Ronal and Tonowari begin making him a new songcord.

[sniffanimal]

I think one thing to remember about (some presentations of) ADHD is that it isn't always a literal internal dialogue of "That task is overwhelming/too hard/too many steps/unrewarding so I won't do it". For me, it's more like the idea of doing that task slides off my brain like butter in a hot pan. I will look at an overwhelming task and before I even finish the thought of "I should do that" my brain shakes like an etch a sketch and I've already forgotten it.

This particularly pissed my mom off when I was a kid because it's hard for me to see a sink full of dishes and associate that with "I need to do dishes", or she'd tell me to vacuum but because I wasn't immediately looking at a vacuum, I'd forget to do it. ADHD was weirdly very quiet for me, because I just wouldn't see things that overwhelmed me!

I'm now an adult who has lived on my own (/with another ADHD roommate) for 8 years now, been through therapy, and am medicated, so under the readmore I'll put some ways I combat this clear-cache process my brain does.

(obligatory im not a therapist or a doctor or anything so make sure you're consulting with those folks before doing anything major with your life. I have ADHD and have been treated for it, as well as I teach kids how to manage their neurodiversity as a job)

"I just can't remember to do something that I need to do regularly." This sucks to hear, but the answer really is routines. Routines are essential for helping manage sanity and overwhelm and keeping your house in order. And I know, firsthand, that ADHDers struggle with forming routines, but here's my major tips: scaffold. Scaffolding, or chaining, or stacking or any other name refers to picking something you already do at a set time (it's easiest if it's something you HAVE to do, like go to work or wake up in the morning, etc), and pairing your new routine task with that. And also its important to only try adding one thing to a routine at a time. Don't try to start showering, brushing your teeth, packing tomorrow's lunch, setting out clothes for the morning, reading, journalling, and doing yoga before bed all at once. Start with just brushing your teeth before you go to bed every day for like 2 weeks. Once you're solid on doing that, start adding in something else! People kinda hate on the book bc it's full of platitudes but I really liked a lot of the stuff in Atomic Habits by James Clear for setting new habits.

"I can't remember to do something that I don't need to do regularly. It's hard because I can't work it into a routine." It is not a shameful thing to need to make different visual or physical reminder for when you need to do things. Two things I particularly struggle with is turning the A/C off when I leave a room, or turning the oven off when I'm done using it. For the former, I have a small card I laminated that says 'turn off heat' that I velcro to the thermostat. When I turn the A/C on, I take the card and put it in my pocket or on my shirt or hair or somewhere where I will have it with me so that I can see the card later and remember to turn it off. For the latter, I have a necklace that I put a little tag on it that says 'OVEN' on it. When I turn the oven on, I put the necklace on, and it stays on until I turn the oven off and can take the necklace off. Try creating environmental things that work for you! I've seen people put their meds next to the canned cat food because their cats would remind them to feed them, and they would see their meds then and remember to take them!

"My working memory is really poor, I forget what I was doing in the middle of doing it." This is a kind of hard one to work on without just actively doing things in your life, but something I find that kinda helps me is doing puzzles! I'm not a big jigsaw puzzle person, but I love sudoku, pictogram, and crosswords (and some of the other things like wordle etc.) Logic puzzles are another good way to work on needing to hold something in your working memory. Puzzle video games like Portal are also good for exercising your working memory. Working memory is a bit like a muscle, and needs to be stretched to hone as a skill. When you're in the middle of one task, and another one comes up, having a pen and paper ALWAYS handy makes it easy to jot down a reminder about something you need to do later. This is often called a 'parking lot', and works well for me!

Closing notes: 2 other books to check out are How to ADHD by jessica mccabe, and The Anti-planner by Dani Donovan. The former is extremely good for an overview of what living with ADHD and working with your brain is like, and the latter is actionable activities to help with breaking tasks into more manageable formats.

[luxxtuxx]

Could you do headcanons for MGHP with an s/o that has a service dog? And having to deal with ppl being shitty and trying to get the dog’s attention and petting it and stuff?

(Love ur writing!!)

Funky Headcanon time :)

Im going to assume you mean Miles, Gwen, Hobie, And Pavitr. If I'm wrong dm me or send me this again with the right names and I will get it right for you my friend :D

~~~~

Backstory: You Have Major Anxiety (Causing You To Often Have Panic Attacks Out Of Nowhere) And You Have Autism And Need Deep Compression Therapy. You have a husky service dog to help you and if it gets bad. Your dog is fully trained, But some people just can't listen or respect the rules of service animals

Miles:

He tries to first explain to them that what they are doing is dangerous to you. One Karen couldn't get it through her head and kept telling you to let her son pet the dog. Miles gently stopped the boy and explained to the boy that when a dog has a vest on like that to not disrupt it. He didn't get mad when the boy asked why he just explained "You know when Spiderman has his mask on and he is protecting us?" the kid nods. Miles smiles "When a doggy has a vest like that, it's like that person's personal spider man and needs to help them." The little boy makes an 'OOH' noise and then asked "And the puppy beats up villains?" Miles chuckles "Kind of, they have villains on the inside and the puppy stops the villains from hurting them." the little boy nods "So I should not pet doggies in vests because they need to be like Spiderman" Miles nods "Yeah you got it little man" the Boy went to his mom "We no Pet Spider Puppies!" he cheered sweetly

Hobie:

He was not as gentle When the kid tried to pet your husky. he simply picked up the child "OI, Don't touch the dog mate" he set the child down. When the child started screaming and its mother ran over screaming at you for 'Being such an entitled little bitch for not letting a little kid pet a dog.' Hobie starts arguing with the women. You start panicking, You lay down and tap the top of your chest rapidly and say "Pressure" to tell your service dog what was happening, it immediately laid on your chest grounding you. He points to you and said "that's why your kid can't pet the mutt If it was getting pets from your grubby tike it would have maybe caused her to have a full-blown fuckin' panic attack" The Karen storms off her son

Gwen:

She picked up the child "Hey little man, let's not pet the puppy okay?" The boy pouts "But my mommy said I could!" gwen hums "Does your mommy own the puppy?" he paused "Well nooo, BUT I WANNA PET IT" He yelled. Gwen looked at him "But you could hurt someone or yourself, And we don't want that right?" He shook his head no. "What if next time you wanna pet a puppy, you ask the person walking the puppy so we make sure everyone stays safe" The boy nods and runs off. Soon he came back with his mom, and she seemed pissed "DID YOU SAY MY DOG COULDNT PET THE DOG?" Gwen stood up handing you her ice cream cone. "Yes, I did. It's a service dog, It's not meant to be played with" She crossed her arm at the Karen. The Karen started whistling and snapping her fingers trying to get the dog's attention. Luckily the dog wasn't working that second and was more focused on her pup cup. Gwen started whistling and snapping in the karens face "You don't like that, do you? Then don't do it to that dog." The Karen storms off pissed off.

Pavitr:

He was so sweet about it, *Sob* He told the boy about how when a puppy is working it's like a police officer. He asked the boy if would he want to distract a police officer, and the boy shook his head, no, Pavi smiles at him "Then don't distract a puppy in a vest. Think of it this way, if you see something in a vest like that don't distract it" The boy nods and when his mom came to yell at him, Pavi smiles "You can communicate your feelings like a normal being without screaming at someone. So you can calm down and talk to us normally or this conversation is over" When she didn't calm down Pavitr just took you and the husky and walked away not fighting people today

[superpixie42]

Saw my mom today for what is likely the last time in a while

it sucked the whole time. Last time should have been Saturday -- except that I had put our plans (family symphony event downtown) in my phone for Sunday so when i got a "???" text from her Saturday at 1145 I was PISSED because

Why didnt she text me that morning to help me remember? I have two kids and am in the middle of moving wtf.

Why did she wait until i was 45 minutes late and then send a message with NO helpful information?

Anyway the kids were ok with the symphony but since (for me) it was so last minute I forgot to bring with her spare car key (which I still had) and more importantly the Jury Summons which was sent to our address instead of her new one. So made plans to see her today so I could give her those things.

Decided to go to the park with the kids because I just dont have the energy today to try and carry a conversation all the way through dinner. She parked at the house but stayed in her car the whole time I got the kids ready because she didnt tell me she was there. Fine, I get it, you hate my husband SO MUCH you wont even come to the door. Then we get to the park and she is almost actively refusing to talk to me. ZERO questions about the move, zero questions when I told her *my car got hit by a deer this week*, and just generally avoidant. Then when I finally decided enough was enough (at 85* and 90% humidity) and we needed to go home my daughter started begging her to come with to our house. I told my mom I would keep her up to date on our progress west and that I love her. She said she loved me too and then immediately turned to go back to her car. No Be Safe. No hug. No Hope It Goes Well. No Call If You Need Anything.

Thankfully Rosie was hungry so I was able to distract her with food quickly so she didn't spend too long begging for Nana to come with - after the symphony Saturday it took almost 30 minutes for her to drop it.

This whole thing has made the last six months just so incredibly tiring and sucky. I spent four months in therapy to figure out how to move this relationship forward and she has never once acknowledged any wrongdoing or missteps or even that she hurt me in any way. I suddenly feel like I have some weird insight into divorce: how do you keep a relationship going when it feels like the person you were IN a relationship with isn't there anymore? How do you balance wanting to respect what that relationship was while also moving forward knowing it will never be like that again and honestly not being sure you WANT it to be like that since it wasn't that fucking great, apparently. And it's not just me, but my kids are trying to deal with it too, and its not fair to them at all.

Two more sleeps and then it's off to Nebraska and putting all of this behind me for as long as I can.

[carriagelamp]

Early Spring (March - April) Books

My main takeaway from the books I read over the past couple months that by god if you're going to do something, at least commit to the bit. I would say the books I liked the most this month were the "cheesy" ones or the oddballs, and my least favourite were just... profoundly average. So basic and uninterested in its own premise as to be offensive. At least if you're over-the-top you're making me feel something! Which is more than I can say for some of the books on my list...

Dumplin’

I’ve seen this book frequently in bookstores, and I know it was fairly popular at the time so after my mom watched the film and recommended it to me I decided it was about time to read it properly. 

The plot follows Willowdean, a fat girl who is generally fairly comfortable in her skin — or who has always seen herself as such. But with her former pageant queen mom getting into the latest pageant season, her best friend getting more and more involved in romance, and Will finding herself enamoured with a coworker she is struggling more and more with complicated feelings about how she views herself and how others view her. In an effort to fight back against it, she decides to sign up for the most recent pageant.

It was decent! I can’t really complain. I got the audiobook and it was fairly chill, low-stakes listening. High school drama is never my first choice, but there were enough good things about this book. My biggest complaint is that the ending was very anticlimactic. This is the sort of book where I want the big, cliche, over-the-top satisfying finale! It's about misfits taking over a small town beauty pageant!! I want it in the style of Hairspray or Legally Blonde or something!!! But the book was so painfully self-aware that it really tripped itself up in “therapy talk” and "realistic" endings that just took the wind out of its sails, rather than asking what the satisfying ending is. Still, worth the read if you enjoy a YA coming of age story.

Fence v1

Christ all mighty folks. I feel like I’m being gaslit here. This comic had some rave reviews on goodreads so I grabbed the first couple books from the library and it’s? actually just awful? I figured, hey, this will probably be done in the style of a sports manga, right? I enjoy a sports manga from time to time, especially a queer one. And you can tell that that’s what it’s inspired by. But holy SHIT is it boring. Like the art is AGONIZING. It’s stiff and uninspired and emotionless. I’ve read manga that’s managed to make the fucking board game go look like a high-stakes action adventure, and this book managed to make TEENAGERS WITH SWORDS boring as hell. I don't know enough about the author to tell if this is indicative of her usual work, or if the fault lays in just the blandest art imaginable but seriously, what the fuck. Don’t read this. I’m gonna go reread Haikyuu instead and remind myself that some people know how to draw sports scenes that are capable of making me feel things. Jesus.

Fullmetal Alchemist

A reread ♥ I stumbled across an FMA fanfiction by pure chance at the beginning of March and it made me dig out my books and reread the first few volumes. Always a cozy story to return to. If you've never taken the time to read Fullmetal Alchemist... honestly I'm not sure what rock you've been living under but you should do it. An unshakeable classic for a REASON

Home of the Brave

I picked this one up because I really enjoyed Applegate’s free verse novel Odder and I heard this one was written in a similar style. I knocked it out in a single day, it was a very quick read but a very heartfelt story. I can't say that I think everything about it was done perfectly, but for the style and intended audience, it was pretty solid. Made you look at things from a different perspective, had some really heart-wrenching realities to consider, and a lot of feel-good heart.

It followed Kek, a young immigrant from Sudan who has come to live with his aunt since his father and brother were killed and his mother is missing. It explores Kek’s adjustment to living in the United States, how the trauma continues to affect him, and how he begins to make friends — with a neighbour living with a foster family, an old woman, and her cow.

Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid v1

I’ve seen gifs of this around, and found a copy of it in the used bookstore so I figured… why not. Is it a good book? No. Not sure I'd bother reading the second, but it was weird enough to have made it worth reading. If nothing else, the premise was strange, art took me by surprised at time, and managed to make me chuckle along from time to time.

Kobayashi helps out a dragon who is now determined to live with her and help her out in an effort to seduce her repay her kindness. The story starts with the dragon being completely heartbroken that Kobayashi would honest rather just take the train on her commute rather than ride a dragon to work because scales are frankly uncomfortable.

Murder Most Puzzling

A fun little book of brainteasers! Each mystery includes a short story description (based around a private detective and her harried assistant) along with hand-drawn art. Between these two things, you’re supposed to deduce who the culprit of each crime is, with all the answers in the back of the book. It was pretty to look at and fun to work through, especially with a friend.

My Happy Marriage v1

Quite enjoyed this one! Is it a really well-written book? No. It’s very simple. But the plot is exactly the sort of sweet, cheesy story that I enjoy.

A very Cinderella-esque story, Miyo is from a noble-born family but suffers under her abusive family: an indifferent father, a cruel step-mother, and a selfish, haughty step-sister. She is treated even worse than a servant, and has resigned herself to existing like a meek, cringing shadow in her own home — her lack of magic that people in her class are expected to have makes her feel like this is entirely earned and inescapable. The story kicks off when she is callously married off to a young nobleman who is notorious for scaring away brides within days; he is said to be cold and cruel. Miyo is perfectly prepared for this new home to be no different than her last home...

Old-Fashioned Cupcake with Cappuccino 

A sequel to Old-Fashioned Cupcake, in which Nozue and Togawa begin to navigate the more complicated aspects of a relationship that has progressed beyond outings as friends and casual dates, to spending nights and a growing interest in living together. A homophobic society and their own hang-ups make this a complicated topic to navigate and there’s a lot of ups and downs, but it’s ultimately just as sweet as the first part.

Railsea

My favourite read from spring so far — absolutely deranged, I’m going to have to read more by this author. I saw a tumblr post that described this as a dystopian Moby Dick novel crossed with Treasure Island… with giant mutant moles rather than whales and trains instead of ships. Frankly, if that doesn’t also grab you by the throat and make you want to read it, I don’t know what to tell you. The author’s writing style is very distinct, and mimics what you expect from something like Moby Dick or Treasure Island, and he doesn’t bother holding your hand as he introduces this strange world to you. The world-building is really top tier, it’s completely bizarre and yet it feels very natural once you see how it works. The underlying themes are also just breath-taking. It was a masterfully written book and just a pure delight, especially once the second half kicks off.

The Serpent and the Wings of Night

Speaking of books that got rave reviews and that I feel are gaslighting me…

This came to me highly recommended and the goodread reviews seemed to agree… and guys, just wholly shit. Pure opposite of Railsea. Boring trite language, world-building that made absolutely no fucking sense, and characterization that felt like negative space. A pure void of characterization that sucked my entire will to live into it like a black hole. Like, this book so clearly did not actually give a shit about its own premise and didn't make a single effort to create a cohesive world or narrative... it leaned on tired tropes so heavily that it creaked. I had a couple mutuals that got to listen to me liveblog this and I couldn’t get through more than a couple paragraphs without losing my shit. Complete garbage, clearly riding on the coattails of A Court of Thorns and Roses without understanding what actually made that series compelling. I absolutely did not finish this book. The little bit I did read nearly killed me.

Heaven Official's Blessing (TGCF) v6

I continue to be completely enamoured with Heaven Official’s Blessing. The only reason I’m not tearing through these books faster is because a) I don’t want it to end and b) it keeps making me want to stop and write fanfiction about it instead. Getting to learn more about Xie Lian's past, the fall of Xianle, and the complete collapse of his life was just... ouch. My heart. Had to stop and cry about Xie Lian and Hua Cheng a LOT during this one folks.

The Wild Robot Protects

The third installment of Roz’s life on her island with her son, Brightwing, and her various animal friends. This time a deadly tide is sweeping through the ocean, killing any living thing that comes in contact with it, putting enormous strain on the resources of the island as animals try to move inland to escape it. Roz takes it upon herself to venture north and find the cause of this tide.

It was… meh. A middling book. Not bad, good for kids who are enjoying this series, a good lesson about how pollution, the inter-connectivity of nature, and marine conservation. But given how good the first two books in the series were, I was a bit disappointed with this one. It felt long winded and boring, with nothing of note actually happening until literally the last couple chapters.