#its such a pain to throw tho
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I hadn't realized I still had 16 days of vacation to take by the end of the year (they don't roll over, unfortunately) which means I had only taken barely four up until now, not counting some early Fridays we got this summer. No wonder I'm tired.
I'm gonna go hang out at the studio tomorrow and work on finishing up pots/pumpkins and making slip sample tiles. Maybe I'll take my little tripod and take some time lapse videos throwing stuff, I haven't done that in a few years. Maybe i'll make a poll for the first time and ask what yall are interested in seeing?
#arting#pottery#i also apparently have 40 POUNDS of porcelain on my shelf#so uh#im thinking i start to do something with that#its such a pain to throw tho#and i havent thrown in it like 5 years#but i need to use it bc that shits expensive#i should also be getting the rest of my dry materials in the mail today too#so i may try measuring and mixing that up tomorrow with an old school balance scale#but yeah like#should i make a poll#would that be helpful
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i'm sooooo starved for Smeech content/headcanons/fics/etcetcetc in this fandom, like he is such an enigma of a creature to me (affectionate as I shove him into a microwave). He's a Yordle so he might have been around in Zaun for centuries, ever since its foundation. Maybe he's seen first hand how Piltover's pet Heimerdinger rises to the top, and yet spends his time as a councelor ignoring every single problem in Zaun. Heck I can totally see him resenting Heimerdinger to a murderous degree for that; a Yordle traitor who gets a nice academic status for himself and builds his glorious city of progress, but never uses all that power to help the other Yordles in Zaun. (I didn't even spot a single Yordle in Piltover while scavenging the backgrounds on my rewatches!!)
Considering how new Shimmer is in the series' universe by Yordle lifespan standards, that means Smeech hasn't been inhaling it for more than a bunch of years. What was his life before?? When did he decide to start replacing his limbs with machinery, to make himself stronger and feared by Zaunites? When did he become a chembaron?? Chemtech is older than Shimmer, so he might have been a cyborg way before the events of the series, but it's fascinating (and sad, not gonna lie) to me that despite being possibly older than any of the other authority figures in Zaun, he has never managed to rise to Heimerdinger's level. No wonder he's such a rage-filled poisonous critter, no wonder he wants to take the throne of Zaun at any cost, to be "the one smiling in the end". And yet, despite all of his efforts, he is still fueled by and addicted to Shimmer, created by Silco's goons. Forced to depend on a creation of humans, in his pursuit to become stronger than them.
(also while I'm not a fan of episode 7's happy AU universe cuz it all feels like simplifying and undermining the complexity of Piltover's oppression in favor of an easy good ending, it DOES make me wonder how Smeech's life would have turned out in a universe without Shimmer? We don't see any of the Chembarons in the ep 7 universe so it makes me curious)
#arcane#arcane season 2#smeech#ME FEELING EMOTIONAL ABOUT THE RAT BASTARD MORE AT 10#he commits atrocities and osha violations in the regular but also i wanna scratch his cheeks#been tryina figure out headcanons of his past in my head but its tricky cuz RIOT I WANT MORE LORE I WANT ANSWERS#i cant help but hc that he is afraid of physical pain due to something mega traumatic in the past. hence his fear of the grey etc#or if not physical pain then the process of choking and dying itself. or losing his empire#like he gives me such 'cornered beaten up animal lashing out' vibes sometimes. he is always tryina hide his fear and any sign of weakness#maybe he was in Stillwater for sometime?? and we know what being locked in the dark can do to a Yordle#or he was tortured by gangs/rivals/enforcers etcetc and he never wants to go through that utter helplessness and humiliation again#Sevika refuses his offer?? he FIGHTS TO THE END HE AINT RUNNING#also Shimmer augments your senses and makes you more battle crazy so i imagine it lessens physical pain too?#in his head which is the only place he cant replace with machinery#STILL NOT AN EXCUSE TO THROW MY BOI HEENOT UNDER THE BUS THO smeech aint getting the number 1 boss mug#piltover do better. because of your reign the zaunite yordles are turning feral
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for people who have anxiety but live alone anyway: how do u deal with the panic? I live with 2 other people and still have bubble burst moments of random fear that only gets soothed by putting myself in someone else's eyeline. what do you do when the catastrophising starts???
#my body has a lot of random weird pain frkm 26 years of bad things and every time im like#i should have written a will its really happening this time im about to drop dead#so i skitter around the house to stand close enough to someone else that theyd hear me if i fall over LMAO#insane behavior i know. i have a mountain of medical anxiety bc of my grandparents#but like i cant even wrap my head around what id do if i felt that way and was alone 24/7 at home#panic forever???#who makes you eat and shower bc its sure not MY executive function keeping me alive on the bad days LOL#id wither away if i lived alone i think#kinda sad my life went a way where thats never going to happen tho. to the end of wanting to know who id be#how would i dress and act and decorate?? eat?? what kind of dishes would i get. throw blankets too#what would i learn abt myself etc its an iteration of me that will likely never happen bc im happily married#hmmm#ur always going to wonder about the lifestyles you didnt have. thats normal#but it does make me wonder what i would have been like if i had friends and my own space#oh to be a fag making out with his friends in the privacy of his own home#or maybe thats just how i feel bc were literally married and have never been able to afford to live alone Together lol
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// Still taking a lil break as I recover from the hells burning inside my stomach from this acute gastritis and hives.
I realised that maybe I'm just becoming the devil I'm supposed to be XD reddened skin and infernal insides 🙃
#ooc#tbd#srsly tho its been really fucking painful the worst pain ive had in my life i went to the ED over it#the meds are sloooowly helping but i just need go destress and rest ✌️#love you all and im looking forward to throwing Haarlep back at you in a couple more days
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ive been violently nauseous for 3 hours now (coming up on 4) and no meds are helping and i cant go back to sleep and now they're doing construction next door again and i think i may cry my eyes out
#it is also. the death anniversary of my mother so i am kind of not okay right now and i just put 2+2 together on that again#cause my brain loves to just..throw that information out this time of year bc its so fuckin painful of memories and feelings and ough#I know the nauseas probably emotional#i cant wait for bestie to get here tn ):#bunny rambles#i feel so ill today and i know i will be okay just OUGHGHGHGH#this is genuinely the worst part ofa thjs recovery is the way its overlapping with Insane amounts of emotional pain#i will be ok tho genuinely just.. wah. gonna turn off my phone for a little and just zone out on tv i think
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Me, the other night: "I may be going through a fuck of a life situation, but it could always be worse if I broke a flower pot in the shower again."
Me, today, waking up with a swollen and painful mouth infection:
#im in too much pain to find a better react#im so fucking tired#when will life stop throwing me multiple curveballs?? i dont even know how to juggle!!#im just getting hit in the face with each curveball. and it feels like it today too holy shit#im in the middle of teeth alignments for treating my tmj pain idk how im gonna go thru another root canal#my first root canal was only preceeded by hot/cold sensitivity. it never got swollen or hot#im so exhausted man. at least the regular dentist can see me today and hopefully give me antibiotics#im on immunosuppressants so i was crying this morning like damn im gonna have to go to the er for this i wont survive the weekend#im so upset tho it took me forever to fill my last prescription. so dont jinx it but i might still need to keep that er plan on hold#the good thing ab that tho is my back mri is tomorrow which is at the local er so i can do the mri and walk right over if needed#i just dont understand how this could happen i brush and floss after everything i eat or drink (so at least 3 times a day. thoroughly.)#bad genetics and stress strikes again i guess#vent#Cori.exe#Post.exe#god and i spent the last 2 days stress picking my face too so i look ROUGH right now#everything sucks lol#its right over where my wisdom tooth would have been too so like. way back there. im gonna be drinking soup for weeks#rip coris jaw. never had a chance
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/ ITS FINALLY HAPPENING FOLKS- c.onstantine is coming s o o n
#;ooc#ooc#HE'S COMINGGGGGGG WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 😭😭😭😭😭#if i recall correctly we are two years apart from the jp server#TWO YEARS..... BUT HE IS FINALLY COMING#IN ALL HIS STANDING MAN EMOJI GLORY-#i cant believe ill have him on my main account like#-cries in between my hands-#and im talking as if I'll get him BUT HEY! we gotta manifest 🙏#may everyone who plans to roll for him gets 5 copies amen 🙏#i love c.onstantine so much im im im im im#but then it hit me-- i cant throw all my savings because- RULER M.ORIARTY IS ALSO COMING-#c.harlie too but i feel like i can get him anytime for some reason; since hes quite popular im sure he'll drop more times in banners (?)#its going to be a pain to arrange my support team now bc- ody is my current main rider; but Constantine is also a rider#and i think i have billy on the special slot; AGH!#me holding my 47429743891103847 favorite characters: I CANT PICK ONE THEY ARE ALL FAVORITES#w.akamori wait for me.... -grabs his ahoge for emotional support-#I ALSI FINALLY GOT A.SHWATTHAMA! with the free 4 star ticket#i was really debating to pick him or n.ero-#i always keep delaying poor n.ero bc i feel like she drops more often on banners even tho i still dont have her#as for my savings on my jp account-- we dont talk about those 👹#-staring off the window at beautiful e.dmond d.antes that i did not get coughs-#I USED ALL MY M.OCTE AND C.AMAZOTZ SAVINGS TOO- SO IM BALD NOW#i also debated on nito my beloved for the free 4star but i thought i had her so i was like mmmm#i do have her but only on my jp account
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SORRY TO TAKE SUCH A HARD LEFT BUT HOW DO YOU THINK JO FOUND OUT ARAKAWA WAS DEAD
IM GOING TO SCREAM IF I TRY TO THINK ABOUT THAT NOOOOO I GOTTA GET BACK TO YOU IN 5-7 BUSINESS DAYS WITH THAT ONE............
#snap chats#id shit and cry if aoki was the one that told him in a condescending/bitchy way yk what i mean#like as if to jab at jo like 'oh dont worry about dealing with dad- since you were too incompetent to do it i had someone else handle it'#not that word for word im SURE but yk what i mean. just GENERALLY thats the energy#the timing of this ask is soooo funny i was just talkin to my twit friend bout arasawa#and how youve been inspiring me to draw it more again as of late and this is NOT helping !!!! i am ADDING IT to my LIST#cause i want to be in pain i guess (;´༎ຶ▽༎ຶ`) I JUST SEE IT SO CLEARLY IN MY HEAD EGUUUGHH#im still gonna chew on the idea of How tho im still gonna chew on it cause i have other stuff lined up Obvi but..... OUGH PAIN...#verrrrry awkward when i post a thing in liek an hour cause that shit gon be a lil cute so then i just got this in the back of my dome ☠️☠️#thank you........#throwing up as i remember aoki being like 'you're acting strange lately' brb#OUUGHHGH dying.#LIKE IM JUST THINKIG OF ALL THE EMOTIONS JO WOULDVE BEEN FEELING- /ESP/ IF HE WAS IN FRONT OF AOKI#how would he even cope... i mean judging by the eye scene Not Well butu OUUGHvLKJVALKJ#ITS THE CONFLICTED FEELINGS AGAIN CAUSE LIKE he SHOUULDNT care as much as he does right...#arakawa was just his boss... but if THAT was the case why not take him out when jo was first asked too.....#aoki is his priority in life right...... arakawa wasn't supposed to be anyone important BUT THEN HE DID BECOME IMPORTANT#making myself throw up#anyway this is why jo shouldve been allowed to rip tendo to shreds. in my humble opinion. <- sobbing#NAWWW IT THE WAY I HAVE TO GO OUT WITH MY SIS RIGHT AFTER THIS WELKFJALFKJLKVJ#I CANT BE NORMALLLLL
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#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted#and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i#think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god.#and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind#and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind#splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt#and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d#some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard#as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not#and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and#more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this#and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make#things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill#laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop#with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out#itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄#unrelated
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istg one of these days.......
#ya know that post thats like texting lesbians: its throw bowling balls down the stairs day u better be game#one of my fave posts ever in the world#anyway my lesbian flatmate texts like the straight female friend part of that post and i love her but its killing me#its endearing but its so hard not to read it as flirty stoppitttt im already dedicating so much work to repressing this little crush 😭#ALSO THAT POST THATS LIKE FLIRTING W GIRLS WILL HAVE U ADDING :3 TO UR TEXTS literally so true but I dont think she means it like that 😭😭#like she talks to everyone that way I remember when I first met her me + my ex spent ages trying to work out if she was gay#bc we were so sure she had a gay vibe but every text felt like it was pointing the other way..... the vindication when I found out she WAS#anyway my resolve weakens with every 😘 emoji like im already thinking abt it dont give me any more ideas !!!!#its not even embarrassing anymore like how am i supposed to exist near someone like her WITHOUT ever having a gay thought#so im not sorry if she sees this. i take rejection like a champ dont be shy#but genuinely tho i dont think shes interested shes just cute like that. and idw make things weird cuz we're still living together next yr#itd be suchh a pain if i made things awkward right when we need to find a place. and anyway my best case is our 3rd flatmates WORST#i wouldnt do that to him god forbid#buuuut...... nope ok enough of that im going back to bed its almost 1am#this is what HAPPENS when u have insomnia tuning into the crazy radio every night#need to get onto dating apps and find smth new to distract me before this gets out of hand....... buttttt i dont want to >:|#its ok my patience is infinite i like playing the long game. i was into my ex for 2 and a half years before i made any moves#i can wait this one out too either itll happen eventually or itll pass. we're good#ok thats GOODNIGHT from me if u read this far wow ur nosy arent u...... jk ily sleep well everyone#muah all round#.diaries
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what no one tells you about autism is that befriending a new autistic person is a process of learning their own unique language of love. are they comfortable with eye contact? physical touch? hugs or no hugs? special interest? what textures do they like? should we converse about the special interest or just spend some time with limited conversation just vibing in each other’s company? for neurotypicals there’s like this boring standardized List of Rules that you Have to Follow Or Else! but for my autistic friends out there the rules don’t apply!! they way they connect is each so unique and personal to them that the discovery of getting to know a new person ceases to be this laborious task of following Social Rules until you get comfortable enough to do away with them, but with autistic ppl you get to throw away the stupid rule book right from the get go and embark on a personal adventure of friendship anew, like there’s a secret language you’re uncovering and evey time you successfully connect you feel that magic of blossoming friendship tenfold. shoutout to all my autistic homies out there, you’re not weird, you’re not a burden, there’s nothing wrong with the way that you specifically connect with others and actually i have decided that it is beautiful ✨ ✨
what no one tells you about being autistic is people just don’t like you. maybe you make friends, but they get tired of you fast. even if you’re not actively bullied, your peers just…. don’t pay attention to you. something about you is offputting and weird to mostly everyone, and you literally cannot stop it no matter how hard you try.
#kinda debated whether i should reblog with this addition#i didnt want to take a away from the pain of how hard it can be to connect or invalidate it#im a support worker and i just started with a new autistic client#and the first session just reminded me how much i love autism#like i mean that i really do love it#maybe its just my adhd talking but following social convention feels like walking with bees in my shoes sometimes#i know what the rules are and what im SUPPOSED to do but doing it is ugh#avoiding hyperactivity in conversation feels like clamping my joy and small talk is understimulating as hell#speaking the normal social language leaves me run down and drained sometimes#but then i make another autistic friend#and even tho ive met and befriended plenty of autistic ppl before its new and novel every time#and i love that 💜 i seriously do#we get to throw away the mask together and invent a whole new language of love#it’s my favourite thing in the world#the thought that y’all might start to dislike yourselves bc of the way NTs or allistics perceive you is heartbreaking 💔#if they can’t see the beauty in this it’s their loss bestie 💜#i am so so sorry that ppl treat you like you’re too much or too weird or whatever#but i love you and i want you to know there will be people who love you for who you are not despite it 💜#so sending this message to those who need it#but if you just wanted your pain validated as i suspect OP does#i see you and im sorry this sucks and im sorry that ppl react that way my heart goes out to you 💜
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The absolute hell that is having a binder that is too small for you
#im so glad i have no real life atm bc otherwise this would kill me#i can go about two hours before my lungs feel like theyre merging with my stomach and i have to stop#literally have to#not bc i want to but bc i will literally throw up if i try#or start crying from pain#anyway my new binders are on their way but silly little worrier me waited perhaps a tad too long for this#dw guys tho i AM otherwise fine#or at least. functioning as per usual.#anyway shout out to my mum who doesnt get it bc i had to try and dance around the conversation for ten minutes#whilst being in a lot of discomfort/pain and also 100% NOT wanting to have that conversation with her#like mum pls you always go on about how i never ask for help and now that i do its all “are you okay whats happening tell me everything im#worried this is so out of character for you“ GIRL YOU WONDER WHY IM ALWAYS SHUTTING UP AROUND YOU???#this got away from me#i have a bit of pent up anger#its called vague posting FOR A REASON#moss' madness
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You know? Life is so exceptionally unfair.
#to think I wake up frightened in the middle of the night#I wake up due to stomach pain cause I’m about to throw up and I wake up simultaneously shaking so bad#because of my exam#to think I only sleep like 3 hours or so every night just to study for the remaining time#to think I eat such limited food just so I could study#while all these people do none of that and yet#they knew the answers#they found the exam okay#and yet despite me rewriting the textbook#despite me sacrificing so much just for these stupid exams#it’s not fair.#life isn’t fair yeah BUT ITS ALWAYS MORE UNFAIR TO ME#like what the HELL#dora daily#I promise like what the hell this is insane#I get it my social life is trash and has been snowballing but PLEASE let me have ONE THING#JUST THOSE STUPID EXAMS THAT HAPPEN TWICE A YEAR#only that#it’s all I ask for yet it is something I can not even have anyways#I have no words#like it’s so bad the gagging now#I can literally taste the bile every time I’d try to eat I almost throw up my entire guts#even tho there’s nothing in my stomach anyways#and I don’t even need to be eating to gag it’s literally every time I do anything it happens#honestly I’m not even mad or upset this is an objective complaint#like objectively I should be mad but really ? I’ve given up on fairness towards me so long ago that I am not surprised#like this is so expected bc when do I ever get anything good happen to me#that’s right NEVER
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my period finally came after being 3 weeks late but at what cost,,,
#genuinely had a moment of panic at the start where I wondered if I was pregnant as if thats not biologically impossible aksjdkd#then I just got anxious and weirded out by it being so late#because normally my period is VERY predictable#but ig having my obgyn shove her tools up into my cervix and uterus to put in my iud finally put shit in motion#but god…#the cramps are Not Good this time besties#I actually broke out a heating pad for this bitch#and the worst part of my cramps isn’t even the pain tho that sucks a lot too#its the fact that I always feel like I need to take a shit when in reality its just my muscles throwing a tantrum
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Lowkey wish I had more brewskis but idk I think they might be giving me headaches. I think low alc content booze makes my head hurt lmfao
#rambling#vodka may make me sick but its like a 5-10% chance. probs lower#lil drinks like beer or seltzers or shit have a significantly higher chance of leaving me 7 ways of fucked up#head hurt belly hurt throw up aches and pains. the whole 9#i love the company of a beer tho. its complicated
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i'm literally so dumb
#i ignored my leg pain while i still had insurance and then it got really bad and i kept ignoring it??#like yeah i can totes treat this at home#even tho i didn't know what was causing it#anyway i figured out its nerve pain im pretty sure#the femoral cutaneous nerve#ginseng is helping a bit for rn which i lucked into when i thought it was muscle pain and i was looking for over the counter muscle relaxan#apparently it helps with nerve pain tho#its the only thing making it bearable#anyway#this is nowhere near as scary as my eye problems so its a good time to figure it out ig#and the eye treatment isn't as expensive as a feared at least short term#so hopefully i can deal with whatever is causing this#i never had an injury but apparently endo can cause it possibly or something else compressing the nerve#i think a pinched nerve could do it but im p sure that would have cleared up in the past four years lol#actually now that i think abt it i did throw out my back rlly bad several years ago? so maybe there was an injury idk#i never thought abt back injury as the source of leg pain but apparently it is#hopefully a chiropractor can fix me 👍#and t#THEN i can finally chill#but tbh im not worried abt this bc im still relieved abt the other thing#the pain is wicked bad sometimes but i can still walk lol#and now that i figured out its serious i can get it dealt with#i suppose the pain level should have clued me in but i genuinely thought i was doing it to myself from stress#like hypertension or something lol
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