#it is also. the death anniversary of my mother so i am kind of not okay right now and i just put 2+2 together on that again

[bunnyboy-juice]

ive been violently nauseous for 3 hours now (coming up on 4) and no meds are helping and i cant go back to sleep and now they're doing construction next door again and i think i may cry my eyes out

[sweetyyhippyy]

Meeting Mom. Eddie Munson x Fem! Reader. *Fluff*

Summary: Eddie tells his girlfriend about his mom for the first time. He also takes her to go visit her on an important date.

Word Count: 1.6k

TW: Mention of Eddie smoking weed. Eddie talking about his mom and some cute stories about her. Eddie obviously being sad about his mom being gone. Eddie and reader being at a cemetary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The storm had knocked out the whole apartment complex's power, luckily Eddie decided to stay the night with her to keep her company and keep her safe- he would use any excuse to spend the night with her.

She shuffles back into her room, turning her flashlight off once it lands on Eddie in her bed, an ashtray laying on his stomach and a half smoked blunt between his lips.

The ember end of the blunt guides her back to the bed, laying next to Eddie and resting her head on his shoulder.

Eddie takes one more large hit before coughing heavily. “Shit.” He mutters once his lungs fill with clean air. Putting the small stub in the glass tray and placing it on the bedside table.

She giggles against his warm skin, looking up at him. “You alright there, Smokey?” She teases.

He huffs out a laugh as he settles into bed with his girlfriend’s bed with her, resting his arm around her shoulder. “I’m testing out a new strand Rick got. It’s a little strong but good.”

She hums happily against him, kissing the pale skin. “Can I ask you something?”

“If you were a worm, yes I would still love you. I’d love you a little less, but I would still love you.”

She giggles at his response, playfully pushing his side. “Not that question you dweeb. And good to know you would love me less if I was a worm.” She scoffs.

Eddie chuckles deeply, stamping out the end of the blunt in the ashtray. “What do you want to know?”

She flips onto her stomach, lightly touching his undershirt. “The other day when I came over, you were talking about going to Crawford and you sounded sad. Was everything okay?”

The room grows quiet for a while, just low thumps coming from the apartment above hers.

“I’m sorry, did I bring up something I wasn’t supposed to?” She asks, breaking the silence in the room.

“Oh, no baby, no. It’s just um… you just overheard kind of a deep conversation.”

“I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“It’s okay, baby.” He says. “Um… the anniversary of my mom’s death is next weekend, so I’m going to go visit her at the cemetery.”

Eddie never talked about his mom with her, it was one of the walls that he still had up. She understood that it was a hard subject and she never pried. The only thing that she knew was that her name was Elizabeth and she had big curly dark brown hair, just like his.

“Aww, baby I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” She moves up the bed, kissing his cheek softly.

“I think she would have liked you.” He smiles to himself warmly, touching her lower back, drawing small circles under her shirt. “She, uh,” He laughs to himself. “She liked to paint and draw. I would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes- I was a bad sleeper as a kid- I think I got it from her, because she would be in the kitchen at like 3 am with all of her paintbrushes, her paints, and canvases. She liked to paint nature a lot, like the woods in our backyard and if she took me to the park in our neighborhood, she would paint the field that was next to it, it was full of these yellow flowers she loved. Yellow was her favorite color.” He was glad that the room was dark because he could feel tears fill his eyes.

“That’s where you get your love artistic stuff from, hm?” She says, touching his face softly, hearing the sadness in his tone.

“Yeah. She tried to teach me how to paint stuff, but I was better at painting the linoleum floor in the kitchen.” He laughs deep from his belly. “She started to teach me how to draw, and that I was good at. She would get so excited when I would draw stuff on her Mother’s Day cards or her birthday cards. There was one Christmas, it was the Christmas before… before she passed… I worked on this picture of these yellow flowers that had this like pink trim or something around it. I surprised her with the picture and she loved it, she put it in a frame, hung it on the wall in her and my dad’s bedroom.” Eddie sniffles, tears now rolling down his cheeks.

“Oh, honey.” She whispers, kissing his cheek.

Eddie wipes his eyes, clearing the hoarseness that was in his throat. “She loved it. She kept all the shit I drew for her. After my dad got locked up and Wayne came to get me, I found this huge box with all the cards and drawings I did for her. I was such an angry little shit head at that time, I wanted to throw it in the trashcan and burn it. But Wayne put it in the back of his truck and took it with us, he has it somewhere in the trailer.” He stays quiet for a few seconds before sniffling. “I loved her so much… she was my best friend.”

The lights flick back on, making her jump slightly. The lights illuminate Eddie’s wet brown eyes, his dark eyelashes damp from his tears.

She swipes her thumb across his cheek, her other hand wiping the single tear rolling down his cheek. “Thank you for telling me about her. I can tell where you got that big, loving heart from.”

Eddie nods his head, smiling at her. “Can I ask you something?”

“About you being a worm?” She jokes, trying to take the heaviness off his heart.

Eddie laughs, his round eyes scanning her face slowly, looking at every little detail carefully. “Do you want to take the ride with me to go see her? Introduce you guys to each other?”

“Oh, Eddie.” She coos. “You really want to?”

“Yeah, I think it’s time for you to meet her. The only two women I’ve loved in my whole life.”

Her heart flutters at his words, making her own eyes water. “I would love to come.”

***

Elizabeth “Lizzie” Munson. Loving sister, daughter, wife, and “mommy” Born: May 2, 1939. Died August 28, 1972

“Hey, mom.” Eddie smiles, taking the dead flowers from the hole next to her headstone and replacing them with new ones. “I brought someone for you to meet.” He turns to look at his girlfriend, motioning her to come closer.

She smiles at Eddie before walking next to him, laying her own flowers that she bought down. “Hi.” She says, looking at the picture of her etched into the headstone. “Wow, you do look a lot like her.” She says to Eddie, smiling fondly at the black and white picture.

Eddie chuckles, sitting on the green grass below them. “Yeah, everyone said that I stole her entire face. My dad’s genes didn’t stand a chance. Here, come sit.” He pats a spot next to him.

“Hold on, I have one thing I wanted to show her, if you don’t mind.” She says, digging into her back pocket.

Eddie raises an eyebrow at her in confusion.

She unfolds the long wrinkled piece of paper, flattening it out as best she can against her leg. “Eddie told me about how you taught him how to draw. He’s drawn a lot of pictures for me since we’ve been together, and I keep everything just like you did. He told me about this picture that you were so proud of him doing and I asked Wayne to find it for me.” She bends down, placing the paper right under the headstone and grabbing a few rocks on top to weigh it down. “I wanted you to see it again.”

Eddie peeks over her shoulder, seeing the drawing he did back Christmas 1971 of the yellow and pink flowers he drew for her. He bites his bottom lip to keep it from wobbling while he openly cried. “Babe.”

She turns to look at him, her own eyes wet too. “I wanted it to be a surprise. For both of you.” She sits next to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

Eddie wraps his arms around her, kissing the top of her head. “Thank you, sweetheart.”

She lifts her head up and kisses his jaw lovingly. “Of course.” She says softly. “You know, for you only being 6 when you drew that, you were really good.”

Eddie smiles warmly, looking at his girlfriend. “Been a long time since I drew stuff like that. After my mom died, I started doing ‘darker’ stuff. Characters I would come up with and stuff when I started doing stuff with D&D, writing campaigns was easier when I had faces to names. Then when you came along, started drawing stuff for you and my art got happier. You made me happier than I had been since I lost my mom.”

Her heart fluttered in her chest at his last sentence, somehow falling more in love with him. “I’m glad I can make you happier, baby. I always want to make you as happy as I can. You deserve to be happy.”

***

“Put your trash in here, I’ll go throw it in the trash.” She holds open the paper bag they brought their picnic lunch in, throwing the discarded items in.

“Thank you, baby. Why don’t we head out? It’s going to start getting cold soon.” Eddie says.

“Yeah, okay. I”ll meet you at the car.” She smiles as she stands up, turning toward the headstone. “It was nice to meet you, Mrs. Munson. Hopefully I can come back soon. I’ll take care of your boy.”

Eddie watches as she walks away, warmly smiling at her. “In case you couldn’t tell, I’m planning on marrying her, mom. She’s the right one.”

[baldursgate3tempobsessed]

K follow me Astarion just sees tav like loving on children wherever they go and hes like?????

And tavs like ive always wanted my own child but i didn't wabt to ask you with every

This sends poor starion into a crisis does he was children how many

I think I have followed you. Let's see!

So for this one we got a lil time jump, ambiguous and vague setting and timelines with game spoilers present. M/F pairing because that is my go to and pregnancy is mentioned. Vampiric pregnancy also so there is some weirdness there (i made it up no idea if it's dnd accurate). Vague Tav backstory of a wonderful mother and going off to become a cleric.

~

Astarion was well used to your antics by this point. You had a severe lack of instincts linked to self-preservation, which led to a consistent pattern of doing, frankly, stupid shit. Stupid, but kind. Nothing that Astarion hadn't adapted to, after nearly two years of being attached at the hip you became pretty attuned to your lover's personality.

He could even go as far as to say that he had grown to love your annoying predilection for pious morality. Perhaps he loved talking you out of certain virtuous dangers more, but still. He appreciated who you were, he adored who you were. But Astarion was no saint, despite his insistence on attaching himself to one.

Which is exactly why he was far from amused when you signed him up to babysit a couple of brats. All for acquittances he barely cared about.

But you at least had the good grace to look guilty, "I didn't mean to! But she looked so tired and she said their anniversary was coming up and it's not like we got anything for their wedding-"

That was a nice try, one that Astarion wasn't falling for, "We didn't know of their existence when they got married darling. Just because I can't remember their names doesn't mean you can trick me."

"I'm not trying to trick you!" You whined, arms crossed as you pouted. It sure felt like a trick, especially when Astarion knew that you were well-aware how easily he fell for your sulking. Adorable little monster that you were, "It's only three kids and a baby for one night, it won't be that bad! You don't even have to help-"

Astarion rolled his eyes as he sat next to you on the bed, "I didn't say I wouldn't help."

That seemed to do the trick to get the pout off of your face. You perked up immediately, looking at him like you couldn't quite believe it, "Really?"

"Yes, really," Astarion sighed as you tugged you closer. Sure he liked to bitch, but he really would do anything for you. Even extremely annoying things like this, "I'm not going to sit back and feed you to the wolves."

"They're not wolves! The oldest is barely five," You laughed as you let him manhandle you, settling you into his lap, "And I am sorry, I really wasn't thinking. I promise it won't happen again."

Astarion doubted that, not when he was well-versed of your weak spot for children. No matter where you went you couldn't help but fawn over them, not to mention the insane lengths you would go to keep any child safe. It was a complete and utter blind spot, your kindness extending to them all, even the little scam artists and hellions.

It was sweet, if not extremely worrying at first. Astarion had been terrified of you finding out his past. The things that he had been forced to do, the innocents whose lives he had destroyed. But not only did you find out, you were forced to see it. Both of you were, and it had been worse than anything Astarion could have imagined. He had always found a slight comfort knowing that those he captured would at least die quickly, that at the very least they wouldn't suffer the same agonizing fate as he, just an agonizing death. But no, even that small comfort had been a lie. The horror of finding them all down there has yet to be matched. He had never felt more self-loathing, more pure disgust than the moment he had found those children, tortured and pale, all because of him.

How you didn't see him for the wretched thing he was after all that, Astarion wasn't sure. But he was grateful. You were too good for him. A fact that he was devastatingly aware of, but that wasn't going to stop him from keeping you.

He still thinks about it on occasion, despite the fact that he had done all he could to right his wrongs. They all at least had a chance now to have a life worth living, Astarion could only hope that it would be used. Their future was out of his hands now, a small comfort.

But despite his complicated feelings towards children, he was more than capable of handling them for one evening. And in all honesty, he truly didn't have to do much. He was on self-mandated baby duty, because of course you had to help out the infant that would scream bloody murder unless it was being held. Keeping her tucked against him was a move of self-preservation, if he ever wanted to retain his hearing.

Most of the night was spent amused as he watched you entertain a gaggle of toddlers. You were so... creative with the ways you could defuse their antics. It came to you so naturally, nearly like you were a born mother yourself. It wasn't exactly surprising that you were fantastic with children, he had seen it time and time again. Arabella, Mol, Yenna, all of which still wrote you letters, visited occasionally. Staying forever attached, even from a distance.

Now that Astarion thought about it, it was odd that you weren't a mother. Odder still that you hadn't never even brought up the possibility of having children together. You were usually so open with your wants and always encouraging the same from him. Just one more thing he loved about you. But... why hadn't it been mentioned? Astarion had always assumed it was because you didn't truly want any of your own, that you enjoyed their fun innocence while avoiding the more laborious responsibility of raising them.

Though watching you take care of them all, changing diapers and negotiating silly arguments with a soft smile of your face had him rethinking his assumption.

"You're good with them," Astarion said eventually after you had successfully set the older three down for the night, the baby still stubbornly clinging to him, "I don't think there's a child we've met that doesn't adore you."

You laughed quietly, walking over to kiss him softly on the cheek. Your eyes wandered to the sleeping infant in his arms, still holding a piece of his shirt in it's little fist, "You don't seem to be too bad with them either."

"Newborns don't know any better," Astarion dismissed as he tried to put her down in their borrowed crib. Tried and failed, considering how the thing immediately started to whine the second he attempted to pry it's little hand away.

Oh for fuck's sake. Astarion wasn't even going to try and argue. Instead he unbuttoned his shirt and let it fall into the crib with her, seemingly doing the trick of stopping her from waking completely.

When he turned back you were staring at him with soft eyes, looking lovestruck at the simple act of him laying a child down, "Looks like she has pretty good taste to me."

"I don't think your judgment should be trusted," Astarion huffed as he walked over to you, grabbing your hand to drag you to the bedroom. He glanced back at you, his heart nearly skipping a beat from the sweet way you kept looking at him. It had his mind wandering again, those questions still nagging him.

Questions that he didn't have the courage to ask until dead of night, when he had you half asleep against his bare chest, "Have you ever thought of having children?"

He hadn't meant to blurt that out in the middle of the night, but Astarion apparently had a knack for starting important conversations at inconvenient times. Not that you minded.

You just cuddled into him closer, nodding against him with a sigh, "I've always wanted my own children. My own mother, Gods bless her soul, made it all sound so magical. Pregnancy, the early years, puberty, all of it. She loved it all. And I guess it rubbed off on me. It used to be all I could think about, before real life got in the way."

Astarion listened, a little annoyed at himself for not putting the pieces together sooner. You had talked so lovingly about your late parents, how you always wanted to be like your mother. Of course you would want children. How had he not connected the dots?

"But then I went off to the temple," You continued, "I completed my training, went off into the world to do good, blah, blah, blah. You know the story."

"So you grew out of the idea?" Astarion asked.

"Not exactly," You admitted, sounding a little guilty, "But I would never ask that of you love, it's not something you have to worry about."

That-what?

Astarion stared down at you, brow furrowed, "What do you mean?"

"I mean I know that the topic of children is... difficult for you. Considering everything you've been through-"

"I think you mean to say everything I've inflicted on others," Astarion interrupted, unwilling to allow himself grace. Especially when it came to the children of the Gur, "It was much worse for them than me."

You nodded, knowing better than to try and fight him on that particular topic, "I understand, but my point is that I can live without them. You're all I need."

It was comforting to hear, an immediate balm to a brand new set of insecurities that Astarion hadn't been prepared for. But even so... he hated the idea of you sacrificing even more for him. It felt wrong, "But-"

"But nothing," You interrupted softly, setting a quick kiss to his mouth, I'm serious Astarion, you don't need to worry. I'm happy, I love you, and everything is fine."

"I love you too," Astarion murmured, at a loss to say anything else. But the conversation didn't end there.

Astarion couldn't stop thinking about it, even long after the temporary children were sent back home. ou seemed so... sure that he didn't want children, and a week ago he probably would have agreed. But that was back before he knew that he was actively keeping you away from something you wanted. Something you had dreamed about since you were a child. And it felt wrong to be the reason for that, so, so wrong.

He didn't even know if his true feelings on the matter were real. He didn't want children for many of the same reasons he never wanted a partner. The attachment to another was dangerous, he was beyond unequipped to deal with others, let alone care for them, and the entire ideology behind love was ripe for manipulation and heart break. But then he met you and everything changed. Suddenly, caring for another didn't feel like a weakness, it felt like the strongest aspect of his entire self. Taking care of you wasn't an unwanted duty, it was intimacy. Something that he now craved. If all of those steadfast ideals could fall apart simply through meeting you, whose to say he could even trust himself when it came the thoughts around having a child?

Would having one truly be so bad? A little piece of the two of you, alive in the world? And perhaps children were annoying but... Astarion would be lying if he said he didn't have a soft spot for them. He had kept his distance before, but now he was fully confident that he wasn't a danger, no with Cazador burned to nothing bus ash and his own bloodlust well controlled. And it's not as if he was incapable of being a father, worse men than him did it everyday.

It was a confusing place to be, this tightwire of indecisiveness. Confusing enough for him to start a bit of research. He was vaguely aware that it was possible for his kind to breed, but finding out the details was disheartening, to say the least. First he had to parse out the different horror stories of babes eating their way out of their mother's wombs with actual facts, which wasn't exactly pleasant. But the truth was that it was more than possible for the two of you to have child together. It had the potential to either be as noneventful as any pregnancy, with the cavate that the babe coming out looking slightly... dead wouldn't be a permanent state of being. Or it could be as risky as carrying a child could be, with pains and complications galore, even legitimate worries of internal bleeding from the wretched thing prematurely growing claws. Not to mention the occasional, intense blood lust that could occur, an experience that Astarion would prefer you didn't have to go to.

Looking into the reality of the choice didn't help as much as he had assumed it would. If anything it just made the whole situation more real. Even if he wasn't a vampiric spawn, childbirth was risky. Maybe not as risky for you considering how Astarion would move the heavens and hells to get you the best care possible, but still. The thought of you passing, leaving him alone with the child you wanted and would never see, would destroy him. Completely and utterly.

But then again... there was the magical alternative of everything working out just fine. The two of you were both beyond lucky in that regard, considering how you'd overcome mind flayer parasites and fought and won against a near god. It was more than possible that everything would be fine, that you would have a beautiful pregnancy that would end in an even more amazing child. Then two would become three, a family of his very own.

That... didn't sound too bad. Astarion was torn. On one hand, he was almost certain that he was willing to go through with it. Not just because he loved you and wanted you to be happy, though it was the main reason. But also because... he could be a part in making something good. A child that would never suffer the way he did, the way countless others had. One who would be loved, who would have the help they needed for their inevitable unholy hungers. Someone precious for the two of you to fret over, to adore and care for. He... wanted that. Or at least he would if you still did. Now if he could just figure out how to bring it up, maybe something could actually happen.

But luckily enough for him, you did the job for him. He had been pouring over another book dedicated to recording the births of Dhampirs in the area, only to be distracted by you loudly sighing behind him.

"What's wrong love?" Astarion asked, his eyes still scanning the page in front of him.

"Oh I don't know," You sighed, rounding the corner to sit on the edge of his desk, "I just can't help but wonder when you're going to explain why you've suddenly become obsessed with parenting books. And..."

You trailed off, ignoring his surprised expression to read the cover of what was in front of him, "'Vampiric and Mortal Love & The Spawn They Create'. It's not exactly your usual reading material."

Part of Astarion wanted to be surprised that you had already figured him out. He had at least been trying to hide things from you slightly, not that it mattered when you could read him like a book. And he supposed that blatantly reading things like this in front of you would eventually have an effect, even if he tried to obscure the titles.

But that didn't stop him from stuttering through a response, "Well-I, okay. I've just been thinking about options lately. Which you can't really do if you don't understand what they are. Hence the books."

You frowned at him, one leg crossed over the other, "Star, I already told you that you don't need to worry-"

"But I want to worry," Astarion interrupted, deciding that ripping the band-aid off would be the best course of action, "And if there is something I can be doing to make you happier than I should at least consider it."

"I'm not going to force you into this for that," You said softly, reaching out to twine his fingers against yours, "This isn't the kind of thing you do just for someone else."

Astarion was aware of that, there was an important truth to your words. But... "What if it wasn't just for you?"

You paused, your brow furrowed as you stared at him, "What do you mean?"

"I mean what if, and consider this purely hypothetical, what if I wanted one as well. What then?" It was as far from hypothetical as Astarion could get, but by the look on your face it didn't seemed like that needed to be clarified.

You swallowed, looking just shy of hopeful as you played with his hand, "I... well. I guess in that case we would have a lot to talk about."

That wasn't quite the answer he was looking for. He pressed on, "So if in theory, I did want one. Would... you still be interested in having one?"

With me?

He left that part unsaid as he waited for an answer, uncharacteristically nervous as you mulled it over. But you were smiling, bright and wide, giving his hand a little squeeze as you spoke, "I think that would be the only scenario where I would want it. If that's something you wanted."

"I think it is," Astarion answered honestly, done with being coy, "I don't know how, I... I'm not quite sure how I feel about you carrying something that could be dangerous. But... in general yes. I think I want this. I do want this. With you and only you. Whenever your ready."

The next part Astarion did see coming, his arms already open by the time you launched yourself at him. You straddled his lap, kissing every part of his face as you babbled, "We can wait! It doesn't need to be now but-I just-yes! Adoption, childbirth, I don't care. All I need is to have them with you. That's all I want."

"And that I can give," Astarion laughed, delighted at your reaction. He still had concerns, plenty of them in fact, but they were hard to consider when the woman he adored was so ecstatic.

He gripped your chin, chuckling at the whine you let out for him interrupting your onslaught of affection. You didn't have to wait long, not when he directed your mouth against his, kissing you deeply as a new wave of exciting, and slightly nauseating feelings worked through him.

He didn't know exactly what was going to happen in the future. He had no idea if he would be a good father, but he knew that he would try his damndest. He didn't know how the two of you would even procure a child, but he did no one thing.

With you by his side, it would work out. All of it, no matter how hard the road turned out to be. And that was all that mattered.

[lurkingshan]

Every You, Every Me

Story 3

A mechanic! Not my Last Twilight trauma

Actually, now that he's stood up and I see this black tshirt and coveralls taken halfway down, his look is more Payu than Mhok

HE'S COMING TO ME

Okay listen, who put these mismatched hair extensions on this boy I just wanna talk 🔪

FIAT!!! I missed him

I continue to recognize but not be able to place most of the background music in this show, it's driving me nuts

What's with all these March 19s... no way

Are you telling me he's been stalking this kid at the graveyard for years on his mother's death anniversary? And he asked the mom’s dead spirit to bless their union before he even talked to him?? You a weirdo for this, X

He's never even talked to him all these years but he says he likes him. Love at first sight, I guess. "His mismatched hair extensions have bewitched me body and soul"

Btw why has this kid Namping had the exact same haircut for so many years, seems unlikely

I have no theory on the significance of their family members changing universe to universe but I am noting it

Does the little brother get a side romance in this one? They have two whole eps this time they're getting ambitious

This Bad Buddy style phone flirting across the balcony/window is very good

There's a real ominous vibe happening here, something is def going on that we don't know about

Well, that sure was a wholly unnecessary full body lift 😏

I think I would have preferred they use the time to go deeper on the main pair in this story rather than squeeze in a side couple, but this is a Thai BL, so

Something very charming about X getting excited and hitting his head on the undercarriage of the car

The extensions look better in this almost kiss scene god bless (btw that was mean, Namping)

The chemistry!! When they let them flirt these two are excellent

Hmmm Namping is P' here, but he def wasn't older in the last story, what does it meeeeeeean

"Stop asking" boy what are you hiding

Sexiest back hug of all time in BL?? Perhaps

Man, what the hell happened to Namping? Crying during sex and then disappearing on X and sobbing as he leaves. Why can't he tell X what's going on?? (and also me, please tell me). This all feels really needlessly cruel and I am struggling to imagine a scenario that would excuse it.

Welp! Ton showing up after a time skip alone, wearing all black, carrying a box sure doesn't bode well

The way they are dragging this secret out has officially become irritating. Just say what the fuck is going on.

Well, at least Namping knows he's a coward. Ffs. I cannot imagine how he justified leaving X in such an abrupt way, telling him nothing, leaving him waiting, knowing he will never come back. A terminal illness is not a good excuse for what he did to him, especially because his supposed reason was not wanting to be selfish. But his choices here were far more selfish and cruel than telling the truth and staying to be happy while he could.

This show is not really what I expected based on the way people talk about it. It's not all that light, for one. I've heard it described as being a fun speed run of fanfic tropes, but it's pretty dramatic (in the sense of dealing with heavier themes), and this last story at least was very melodramatic. It's the kind of maudlin terminal illness plot line you'd see in a decades-old drama. I guess that's the idea? We're just running through classic tropes, including some that have been all but retired. I still don't know if or how these different universes are meant to connect, or what to make of these characters. Should I view each iteration as separate from the ones before, or am I meant to think of these as the same souls repeating lives? It's interesting for sure.

[lightdancingwords]

Crossroads of the Heart - Part One of ?

Pairings: CJ Braxton x Y/N Female reader Series Summary: Y/N is a psychology major assigned to shadow CJ at The Stand, unaware he's the one who basically saved her life four years before. CJ is unaware that she's the one who left a notable impact on him over the phone four years ago. As they navigate the work at The Stand, they develop a spark that demands revelation and connection.

Word Count: 3,145

Tags/Warnings: Angst (so much angst), depression, mentions self-unaliving (sorry!), passing of parent

A/N: Comments, Likes, Reblogs, Kind feedback are always highly appreciated. Please let me know if you want to be added to the tag list! Evidently my muse won't shut up, so here we go! A new story in a new setting! I hope you all enjoy!

Note: The poem is obviously from Taylor Swift's "Snow On The Beach"! I do not claim it, only used it for the sake of the story! In fact, it inspired a bit of this series!

Dividers: credit to @saradika-graphics

Chapter One: Four Years Ago

“The Stand, teen helpline, how can I help you tonight?” CJ said automatically as soon as he picked up the phone ringing by his desk.

Y/N hesitated. Did she actually dare to speak? Did she dare to try and get help? The silence stretched out, and she wasn’t sure how to begin.

“I—I’m sorry, this was a mistake,” she finally said.

“It's okay,” CJ said. “Let’s take a breath. Why did you call?” The soft tone was comforting.

Y/N closed her eyes tight, trying to articulate her messed up feelings. She sniffed and wiped away a tear. “Um… l-last year, my mom died. And today was…” She couldn’t even say it.

“The anniversary?” CJ said gently, having a suspicion of what she was driving at.

“Yeah,” she whispered into the phone. “It’s also my birthday.” The tears began to spill unhindered. “Yay… happy birthday, right?”

“Birthdays can be tough,” CJ said empathetically. “Especially if it reminds you of a loss. Do you have any plans for the day, maybe distract yourself?”

“N-not really,” she admitted.

“It’s okay. Sometimes the best distraction is just talking to someone. You’re not alone—you’ve got me,” CJ said, giving a small smile, even though he knew she couldn’t see it.

“No offense, but you’re paid to do this,” she replied. “Doesn’t quite make it altruistic of you.”

“True, I am paid to listen,” CJ said, “But it still doesn't mean I’m just going to be going through the motions. And I’m sure I’m not the only one at The Stand who actually cares about a little more than a paycheck.”

Y/N winced. He was trying to be nice and she just kept wrecking it. She sniffed again and whispered, “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” CJ said, still talking in a soft and soothing tone. “I won’t try to guilt you for feeling the things you do, and I’m not going to expect you to be over your mother’s death immediately.”

“You’d be the first then,” she said bitterly. “My father already remarried.”

CJ could tell she’s holding back some bitter feelings. “I'm assuming he did it quite quickly?” CJ sighed.

“Yeah, pretty much.” She sniffed, wished she could stop crying. “Tried to get me to come to the wedding and I didn’t want to. Instead of talking to me, he… he threatened my college fund. Because god forbid Henry L/N actually bother to talk to his daughter. Or grieve with her. Or even just… or even wish me a happy birthday.”

CJ couldn’t help but to feel a little bit of anger towards her father for how he behaved towards her. “Sounds like he's a real piece of work,” CJ said. “No wonder he had to go and remarry immediately. He probably can't deal with being alone.”

That actually got a chuckle out of her. “God, no. He’s absolutely helpless when it takes to taking care of anything.”

“Let me guess,” CJ said, giving a small chuckle as well. “Your mom did all the housework, cooking, grocery shopping, and general upkeep.”

“She even fixed the cars,” she said, and there was a tinge of awe and respect for her late mother.

“It sounds like your mom was quite the woman,” CJ said, “I’m sorry for your loss, and the... unfortunate change in your relationship with your father. That can make things complicated.”

“It… it wouldn’t be so bad if my father just pretended to care. He doesn’t even do that.” She let out a long sigh. “He wants me to study business so I can excel and all that crap.”

“Sounds like he’s just planning his next inheritance,” CJ said, “What about you? What do you want to study?”

Rachel was silent for a moment. “Um. This is going to sound dumb.” She cleared her throat. “I want to be a writer.”

“A writer? I think that sounds great!" CJ said quickly, giving an encouraging little laugh. “Don’t let your dad convince you to do something that's just going to make him look good. You should be able to decide what path is best for you, not just something that makes your parent proud of you.”

“I don’t even know I’m any good,” she said, protesting weakly.

“Well the only way to find out is to try,” CJ said with a soft smile, “Are you currently trying to pursue writing? Or is your dad pressuring you not to?”

She hesitated again. “I…” She bit her lip. “You know the college newspaper? The Explorer?”

“Yeah?” CJ said, recognizing the name of the student-run local newspaper. “What about it?”

“They’re having a contest.” She picked at a piece of lint on her blanket. “I… didn’t tell my father but I sent in a submission for a poem. I find out tomorrow if I win.”

“Well,” CJ said with a soft smile, not wanting to get her hopes up just in case. “I hope you win. It sounds like he’s not been very supportive of your writing—did he just tell you not to pursue it at all?”

“Basically, he said I should live with my feet on the ground and not in the clouds,” she said with a scoff.

“Well, I think he’s wrong,” CJ said quickly. “You should be able to chase your dreams, and if he doesn’t support you, I’m sure there’s tons of other people out there who would love to take his place. I bet you’re a wonderful writer, and I wouldn’t be shocked if you win.”

“You don’t even know what I wrote,” she argued half-heatedly. “How could you be so sure of that?”

“Well, I just have a hunch,” CJ said. “You’re articulate, and I’m sure your poem is full of emotion. Do you mind telling me what your poem is about?”

“It’s about what seems to be impossible, like snow on the beach. Seeing something so special and rare and incredible,” she said timidly, feeling a bit embarrassed to tell him about it.

CJ was intrigued by this, and he could appreciate the poetic quality. “That sounds like an amazing subject,” he encouraged. “When did you write this poem? I’m sure you’ve worked hard on it.”

“It was something I worked on for the last few months,” she admitted. “I kept trying it over and over. I sent in the final draft just hours shy of the deadline. I just wanted it to be perfect.”

“Well, I think your hard work shows,” CJ said. “I just have this gut feeling that it’ll be good enough—and even if it’s not, you can always just keep improving. You know what they say: Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

She chuckled. “I could easily counter that supposedly God built the world in six days. But I get your point.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not sure about how long it took for the world to be built,” CJ said, amused at her remark. “But what I meant was, you can’t create something amazing instantly—you have to just keep working on it. And from the way you’ve described this poem, it seems like you’ve put your heart and soul into making it.”

“I did,” she said softly. “My mom was the dreamer. She was an amazing artist. Actually duplicated the look of the stag from Bambi. And she did it from memory.”

“That sounds like quite the talent,” CJ said, impressed. “Did you ever take after her? Do you do any art?”

“I can do Hangman stick people really well,” she said by way of answer.

CJ gave a little chuckle in response to her answer. “So what are your plans for tomorrow?” CJ asked. “I assume you’ll be checking to see if you won the contest?”

“Definitely that,” she said. “They announce the winners in the morning edition so I may just be up with the birds at why-six-o-clock and run to the nearest newsstand.”

CJ chuckled at her description. “Just hearing you say that makes me think even more that you’re going to do really well. What are you going to do if you do win?”

“Um, you mean besides faint?” she asked.

CJ gave a small laugh. “That’s one way to react, I guess,” he said. “If you were to win, would you consider continuing to pursue writing and submitting other works for contests in the future?”

Evidently that never occurred to her. “I… I don’t know. I didn’t even think that far.”

CJ gave a soft smile. “Well, I think it’d be great if you did,’ he said. “Whether it’s writing poetry, essays, short stories—whatever takes your fancy, I think you should consider submitting for more contests. I bet you’d do really well.”

She smiled faintly. “Maybe.” She paused, then said, “I guess I just didn’t think beyond just making it past today.”

CJ seemed to take notice of the hint of sadness in her voice. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I know being stuck in the present is something a lot of people go through—it’s easy to fall into the mindset of just surviving every day.”

“It’s… it’s been really hard.” Did she dare tell him? Should she? It would change everything for her, even as far as her whole life.

CJ could tell that there’s more going on here, but given that it was her decision, he was not going to force her to tell him anything just yet. “Can I ask you a quick question?”

“Um. Sure.”

“Does anyone else know about this poem you sent it?” CJ asked.

“No… just you,” she admitted.

“Can I make a request?” he said.

Rachel blinked. “Sure… I guess.”

“Since it seems like you care a lot about this poem…” he started to say. “Would you mind reading it to me?”

That surprised her. “You want to hear the poem?”

“If that’s okay with you,” CJ said. “I’d love to hear the poem you've been working on.”

After a long moment of astonishment, some rustling of papers could be heard. Then she took deep breath.

“One night, a few moons ago I saw flecks of what could’ve been lights But it might have been you Passing by unbeknownst to me Life is emotionally abusive And time can’t stop me quite like you did And it’s like snow at the beach Weird but fuckin’ beautiful Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful You wanting me tonight feels impossible But it’s coming down, no sound, it’s all around I searched the aurora borealis green I’ve never seen someone lit from within Burning out my periphery It’s fine to take it until you make it Til you do, til it’s true”

CJ was completely immersed in the poem. It’s not his usual fare—usually the poems he heard from the helpline were full of hopeless feelings and misery, nothing like the more optimistic tone of this one. It’s almost like it was meant to be read out loud—it had the perfect rhythm and flow.

“Wow…” he finally said, his soft smile growing wider. “That was incredible.”

Rachel found herself blushing, glad he can’t see her through the phone. “Thank you,” she said shyly.

“Honestly,” CJ said earnestly. “If you do win, I hope you stick with writing poetry. It makes me happy that there are still some people out there who want to try and see the world through a brighter perspective.” He paused. “Is it really okay if I ask another question?”

“I’ll think about it,” she said in regards to the first part, about continuing poetry. “And um, sure, ask.”

“Are you open to my honest opinion on the poem?”

She hesitated, then went for it. “Yes.”

“Well...” CJ took a deep breath, hesitating on how he should phrase what he wanted to say. “I know you said you were trying to get it right, but I just wanted to let you know—I think that it’s perfect already. It doesn’t need to be edited or made better—it’s already flawless.”

Her breath caught in her throat. “I… wow. That… that was really nice of you.”

“It's honest,” he said. “And I just think that you should know that.”

She smiled shakily, then glanced down at her lap. “Can… can I tell you something?”

CJ’s smile widens, giving an encouraging nod. “Of course, I’m all ears.”

She cleared her throat, deciding to be fully honest. “I… I didn’t know what was going to happen w-when I called The Stand. I was… just in a bad spot and scaring myself.”

CJ didn’t let on the fact that he could’ve guessed that, considering the state she was in when she first started talking to him. “Well, I’m glad you called—even if you didn’t know it was going to help you. But are you still in that bad spot? You said you were frightening yourself—what do you mean by that?”

There was a long, quiet pause. “I… I was thinking of… of ending it.”

CJ can’t help but feel concerned and a little shocked when he heard that. “You were considering...” He trails off, not being able to say it.

She sniffed and let out a shaky breath. “Yeah…. I even… I even got a bottle of… something.”

His body tensed a bit when she said that. “Can I be honest with you?”

“…yeah,” she answered softly. Hesitant as to what he would say.

He took deep breath. “That really terrifies me. I don’t want that to be a path that you go down, because that’s the path where the light gets shut off forever—and it sounds like you have so much light left to show the world. What made you think about ending it?”

The tears came at once, flooding her vision. “I was just…” Her voice shook, thick with emotion. “I was just so tired of hurting. I’m all alone here at the college and… it just feels dark.”

CJ was heartbroken to heard her like this. He knew that there were probably many more students like this out there—lost, sad, and alone. He’s experienced plenty of dark days himself, though never quite to this point.

“I know the feeling," he said solemnly. “I know the feeling when it feels like it’s just going to hurt forever, and when it seems like the walls are closing in around you.”

“That’s why I called,” she whispered over the phone. “It felt like I was drowning.”

“Well, I’m glad you called,” CJ said quickly. “Because if you didn’t, you might have actually gone through with...”

He trails off, not wanting to say the words out loud like she did, not wanting to put the idea in her mind.

“The thing is—I know you’re in a really dark spot right now,” he continued softly. “But it really seems like you have the potential to do incredible things if you hang in there. You’ve got to give yourself another chance, just like this poem.”

“I don’t know if I can do that,” she admitted shakily. “It just feels really lonely and dark. I don’t have friends here. Hell, even the guy I’m crushing on doesn’t even know I’m alive.”

“Yeah, it does sound like you’re in a pretty bad spot,” CJ admitted, sympathizing with her about the lack of friends. “And you’re saying you have a crush on a guy but he doesn’t even know who you are?”

“Yeah.” She wiped at the tears on her cheeks. “He’s in my English 203 class.”

“And what’s so special about him that makes you have a crush on him?” CJ asked, trying to understand.

“He’s… he’s got this smile that seriously lights up a room,” she said hesitatingly. If she knew she was talking to the very guy she was crushing on, Y/N would’ve fainted. Or screamed and hung up.

“And he’s in your English class? He must be pretty smart then, right?”

“I think so anyway,” she said. “He’s got this self-deprecation thing going on, as though he feels he isn’t.”

CJ laughed at this—it sounded a lot like his own way of coping. “I get it,” he said with a sympathetic laugh, though he didn’t reveal that that’s how he saw himself as well.

“And he’s got a nice smile as well, and he’s smart?” he continued, trying to imagine who could fit this description so perfectly.

“Yeah… and really nice. He’s usually the first to jump up and help if the professor asks for it,” she said. “I like that. He’s not even doing it to butter her up either.”

“And he’s kind? It sounds almost like you’re not even talking about a college student, but some angelic being,” he teased, his curiosity growing as they discuss this unknown man. “Like something out of a fairy tale.

“Well, it’s pretty obvious why you have a crush on this guy—he sounds like the full package,” he said.

“Yeah,” she said with a despondent sigh.

“Listen,” CJ said gently, “maybe he doesn’t know you like him. He could be crushing on you too and you both aren’t aware of it.”

She let out a soft laugh. “You mean like a rom-com?”

“Yeah! You never know.” He smiled a bit. “You’ve got a lot going on for you… don’t give up, please.”

Y/N took a shaky breath, sniffled, and wiped her eyes. “Thank you,” she said shakily, her voice thick with emotion.

“For what?” CJ asked, his voice low and soft. “For listening. I know it won’t fix everything, but… it helped me,” Y/N whispered. “Thank you.”

CJ felt his heart clench. She sounded like a sweet girl who was just in a bad spot. If it hadn’t been against the rules, he would reach out to her outside of the helpline, be a friend, hell, maybe even date her because she sounded so incredible.

“You’re very welcome,” he whispered. “If you ever need to talk to someone… we’re here. I’m here.”

Y/N smiled tremulously. “I’ll remember that.” She took another breath. “Thank you, again…. G-goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” he whispered.

The line went quiet. CJ hated himself so much in that moment. He didn’t get her name. He didn’t know who the guy in English 203 she was talking about, her crush. He… didn’t even get her phone number.

The next morning, he went out and grabbed a copy of The Explorer to see if the girl won. He saw her poem, Snow On The Beach, as the winner. But no name. They only put her initials. He cut it out, framed it no less, and kept it by his desk at The Stand.

Absurdly, for the next four years, he would obsessively answer every call, wondering if it was her. He never forgot her.

And when Y/N came into The Stand for her practicum, he didn’t know it was her—and she didn’t know it was him.

To be continued….

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[arkivsantorina]

When the Dragon Howls (6)

When the Dragon Howls Chapter Six

Characters - Cregan Stark x OC (Maera Velaryon), Aegon II Targaryen, Aemond Targaryen

Summary - Maera Velaryon feels consumed by the obsessive clutches of her uncles. A wolf from Winterfell could potentially be the one strong enough to confront the dragons.

Word Count - 2,956

Warnings - 18+ Minors DNI. Typical Targaryen relationships.

A/N - I'm testing out a different format for the post. Let me know if you like it or if you want the previous format. I feel like this makes the dialogue more organized.

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The next few days were relatively uneventful. The tourney came and went without any deaths, just a few injuries. Maera was so preoccupied with her thoughts that she would not be able to describe those days if anyone were to ask her.  It was the final night of festivities for the anniversary of her grandsire’s reign. Maera knew she had to make an appearance and interact with everyone. It was her duty as a princess of the realm yet she was having trouble focusing on anything except her fight with Aemond and the comfort Cregan had provided her. Just thinking of how kind, how sweet, how understanding he was in the Godswood places a smile on her face that is hard to wipe away. 

Maera was finishing readying herself for the feast that night when her mother entered her chambers. Rhaenyra dismissed Maera’s maids, wanting to talk to her daughter in private. The young princess watched her mother’s reflection in her dressing table’s mirror as Rhaenyra approached. “You did not need to dismiss my maids. My hair is not yet done.” Maera said with a slight pout.

Rhaenyra smiled at her daughter. She took the brush that was resting on the dressing table and began to run it through her daughter's hair. Moments like this made Rhaenyra miss her mother even more. She knew that Aemma would have loved Maera as much as Viserys does. Her daughter deserved to have her grandmother, her true grandmother here. If Aemma hadn’t passed and Alicent hadn’t married Rhaenyra’s father, Rhaenyra wouldn’t have had to worry about her half-brothers chasing after Maera. She had heard about the altercation between her daughter and Aemond. Rhaenyra was furious. Daemon even more so. It took a lot of yelling, pleading, and bribery in order to keep Daemon in their chambers when the news reached them. All he wanted to do was take Aemond’s other eye and the boy’s hands. Deep down, Rhaenyra had wanted her husband to go after the boy. It was getting harder and harder to protect Maera. She had wanted to let her daughter choose her own husband, something that Rhaenyra had not been graced with for her first marriage, but Rhaenyra now feared that Aemond would do something drastic in order to make Maera his wife. It also wasn’t impossible that her father could be convinced to marry Aemond to Maera in order to settle the rift between her and Alicent. Rhaenyra wouldn’t let that be her daughter’s fate. She caught Maera’s eye in the mirror. “I wanted to speak with you. I heard about what happened in the Godswood. Why did you not come to me as soon as it happened?”

Maera looked down as she played with her fingers. A bit ashamed, she couldn’t look at her mother as she formulated a response to Rhaenyra’s question. “I did not feel the situation warranted your involvement. Aemond has not bothered me since then. I believe it was just empty threats. You have enough to worry about while we are in the Red Keep. Handling this myself meant that you could relax.”

Rhaenyra’s face softened. Her daughter truly had her mother’s heart. “My sweet girl,” Rhaenyra murmured as she kissed the top of Maera’s head. “I always want to know everything that happens to you: good or bad. I am your mother and as your mother, it is my duty to worry about you. I will take care of everything that you need. I will always help you, even when you do not wish for my help. Your entire family is here for you. In fact, Daemon had to be held back so that he wouldn’t kill Aemond. As much as I detest the boy, I do not want Daemon to become a kinslayer.”

A smile slowly spreads across Maera’s face. Knowing that her mother is not angry at her for not immediately revealing what happened in the Godswood is comforting. The fact that Daemon was so willing to come to her defense warms her heart as well. She decides to reveal more to Rhaenyra. “I believed that I didn’t need your help because someone already had.”

Her mother stops braiding Maera’s hair due to her surprise. She had not been told of anyone coming to her daughter’s aid. Rhaenyra needs to know who it was. They deserve a reward. Not many people would stand against the son of the king, even if it was for a princess. “Oh? Who was this savior?” Rhaenyra had a good idea of who would be brave enough to do so.

“Lord Cregan Stark was entering the Godswood in order to pray to the gods when he came across Aemond and I arguing. He stepped in and Aemond left. Then he offered to walk me to my chambers. I didn’t want to be alone in case Aemond came to see me. Instead, Lord Cregan kept me company. He told me many stories about the North. Many of which I had never read before in books.”

Maera may not have noticed that she was smiling as she spoke but Rhaenyra certainly did. Maybe this was the answer to the problem of Aemond. If Rhaenyra could secure a betrothal between Maera and Cregan, her daughter would be safe from Rhaenyra’s younger brother. She just had to be careful of how she addressed this. Being too blunt may startle Maera or lead her to believe that her mother was teasing her. “It sounds like you were lucky that Lord Stark showed up. Not many noblemen would interrupt an argument between two members of the royal family for fear of losing their heads. He must have become a friend of yours during his time spent in the Red Keep if he stepped in. Your brothers speak highly of his demeanor and skill when they are in the training yard together. It seems that Lord Stark is quite different from the stories that I have heard.”

“I think he is much more friendly than the rumors make him out to be. He was so attentive in the Godswood. Never has a nobleman been more concerned with my well-being than he was. I very much want my future husband to be like him.”

Rhaenyra rolls her eyes ducking her head so that Maera cannot see her do so. Her daughter seems to be quite oblivious to the fact that Cregan Stark is interested. Rhaenyra decides that she needs to plant the seed of thought in Maera’s mind. “Lord Stark is unmarried. He would be a good choice for a husband. A strong man from a noble house in the largest region of the Seven Kingdoms. Quite handsome as well. I approve of the match. Have you thought of him as a potential partner? Spend time with him at the feast. Share a couple dances. Your heart will know if you can grow to love him as a husband” She places the finishing touches on the braids in her daughter's hair and takes Maera's hand. "Come. It is time to make our way to the Great Hall. Daemon and the boys will join us there."

Maera was looking out across the hall from her seat at the high table. Everything around her was luxuriously decorated. The mood was jovial. The entirety of the Seven Kingdom’s nobility was gathered to celebrate. She had shared a few dances with her brothers and Daemon. Even her grandsire had gathered enough energy to share a dance with her. She had enjoyed it as he twirled her around and shared stories of her mother’s childhood.

At the moment, Maera was resting after Luke had trampled her feet on the last dance. She watched as he danced with Rhaena and sent a silent prayer to the gods that her feet fared much better. Maera made a mental note to discuss dancing lessons for the boy once her family returned to Dragonstone. She pulled away from watching her brother as Baela put her hand on Maera’s arm in order to draw her attention. Baela nods her head in the direction of where most of the Northmen sat. “Lord Stark has been watching you all night.”

When Maera looked in the direction that Baela had nodded to, sure enough, Cregan Stark had his eyes on her. Maera smiled and raised her glass to Cregan from across the hall. If he had caught her and Baela whispering about him, she would try to cover it up in greeting. The man cocked his head and raised his glass in response, a smirk gracing his lips. The words of her mother from earlier this evening played over and over in Maera’s head. She had thought Lord Cregan to be unattainable for whatever reason; never actually evaluating him as a potential match and instead comparing her suitors to him. Cregan stood from his seat after he finished his silent toast to Maera and made his way over to the high table. She turned to Baela with wide eyes. “Is he really coming this way?”

Baela snorted in amusement. “I don’t believe you to be blind Maera. Of course, he is coming this way. Lord Stark is the only man who has made his way up to you this evening. Not with the stares father and Aemond have been sending those who so much as look in your direction. It seems that the wolf is immune.”

Before Maera can respond, she looks up to see that Cregan has made his way up to them. She greets him. “Lord Cregan. Are you enjoying the feast?”

“Very much so, my lady. It could only be better if I had someone to dance with.”

“I’m sure that many ladies would happily dance with you if you were to ask them.”

Cregan smiles. “Yet you are the only one I want. Will you do me the honor of sharing a dance with me?”

Maera agrees with Baela. Cregan Stark is much too similar to a wolf. The way he was able to stalk his prey and corner her was lupine in nature. Regardless of his uncanny similarities to the sigil of his house, Maera agrees to share a dance with him. She makes her way around the high table and takes Cregan’s offered hand. He leads her into the center of the hall and they disappear into the throng of dancers. 

They spend their first dance in compatible silence. By the second dance, Cregan speaks up. “My lady, you are radiant tonight. I find it hard not to fall to my knees at the mere sight of you.”

Maera’s heart flutters at the compliment. The way Cregan compliments her as he stares into her eyes, rather than let himself rake them up and down her body as other lords are prone to do make Maera feel the sincerity of his words.  It gives her the confidence to truly pursue him. She has seen how other noblewomen tease the men that chase after them, so she decides to try to emulate their actions. “That would be quite improper. Though I would have no objections, I believe that the rest of my grandsire’s guests may be quite appalled. You would give credence to their rumors of northern savagery.”

Cregan lets out a loud burst of laughter, drawing the attention of the surrounding couples. He brushes away their looks of disturbance. The young lord smiles down at Maera and teasingly squeezes her hip. “It seems that you do know how to have fun. I was worried that you were wrapped up in courtly etiquette. Your brothers had shared stories about you not always being the most proper noblewoman with me but I had yet to see for myself, my lady. I like it.”

“You asked my brothers about me? I shudder to think of the stories they shared.”

“You had captured my attention. I wanted to know more about you.”

“You could have just asked me.”

“Ah, but when has there been a good moment for me to get you alone. I wouldn’t want our conversation to have been interrupted. I have noticed during my short time here that both of your uncles have the uncanny ability to separate you from any man that you are around.”

This time Maera is the one smirking. “You believe that you are any different?”

“My lady, I know that I am different. I will not be deterred from taking what I want.”

“Maera. If I am what you want then you should at least be calling me by my name.”

“Very well, Maera. If I am allowed to call you by your name then you should call me by mine.” Cregan pulled Maera closer to him.

“Cregan!” Shrieked Maera in surprise.

“That's it. Much better than being called ‘my lord’”.

Distracted by their conversation, Maera had not noticed that their dance had ended nor had she noticed that Cregan had maneuvered them to the doors that led out to the moonlit garden, unnoticed by everyone else in the hall. He pulled her hand to where he could place a kiss on it. “Maera, would you join me for a stroll through the garden?” With her nod of agreement, Cregan pulled her out into the garden.

Halfway through their walk, Maera found herself pressed against an ivy-covered fence. The rough surface was digging into her back yet Maera could pay it no mind. All she could focus on right now was the feel of Cregan’s body pressed against hers. Her lips were captured by his. She could taste the wine from earlier this evening. It wasn’t her first kiss but it was certainly her most memorable. Maera whined in disappointment as Cregan pulled away, however, her breath was stolen from her as Cregan moved his lips to kiss her neck. He bit her pulse point causing Maera to press further into his body. She gripped his shoulders to steady herself. “Cregan…”

“Yes, Maera? Tell me what you want. You are a princess. It is my duty to serve you. I will do whatever you ask of me.”

Maera was delirious. She had never been in a situation like this before. “I…I don’t know. Just don’t hurt me.”

“Maera. I would never hurt you. Trust me. You will very much like what I plan on doing to you."

With her approval, Cregan wrapped one of her legs around his waist. One of his hands slipped under her skirts and wandered up her thigh. His mouth moved from her neck and down until he reached her chest. With one more glance up to his princess to make sure she was comfortable with his actions, Cregan unlaced the bodice of her dress. He took one of her breasts into his mouth, his second hand going up to the other so as to not neglect it. Maera gasped. She arched against him and clutched his hair. “Cregan! By the gods!”

Cregan released her breast and smirked up at Maera. “The gods have nothing to do with this, princess. Only you and I.” He returned back to her chest, wanting to continue making Maera feel good enough to tug on his hair again. His hand that was under Maera’s skirts moved higher up until he reached her centre. With adept and practiced hands, he slowly circled between her thighs, right where he knew would bring her the most pleasure. 

Maera’s breath hitched at the unfamiliar sensation. “More. I want more.” Cregan gave no indication that he had heard her until she felt one of his fingers enter her. His thumb continued to circle her clit to make the intrusion more bearable. Not that it was needed, she was quite wet for him already. When he felt Maera relax, Cregan added a second finger and cocked them in a come hither motion. This elicited the loudest moan from Maera thus far. “Please, Cregan. Don’t stop.” He complied had moved his fingers faster until Maera was pulled over the edge. She came screaming his name. Cregan captured her mouth in a long and passionate kiss so as to swallow her moans.

Maera felt Cregan remove his fingers from her. This was the best thing she has ever felt. Nights alone in her bed were nothing compared to this. Her legs were shaking from the pleasure Cregan had bestowed upon her. She clutched his shoulders for support, unsure that she could even stand on her own. Cregan certainly wasn’t going to complain. Nothing was better than the feeling of her pressed against him. It also boosted his ego to know that he was able to make her feel so overcome by the pleasure that she was unable to even stand on her own. 

After steadying her, Cregan kissed Maera once more as he laced back up her bodice. “I believe we have been away from the feast long enough. They may send people out looking for us if we return soon.”

Maera tried to protest. She saw the bulge in Cregan’s trousers. She wanted to make him feel as good as he made her feel just now. “But you have not gotten your release yet Cregan. I do not want to be selfish.”

Cregan smiled. He was so happy that he had a princess begging to satisfy him, especially one as beautiful as Maera. Unfortunately, or fortunately, he was a smart enough man to know how to quit when ahead. He wasn’t going to risk the punishment for him or Maera if they were caught. “I know how to take care of myself. You go first. That way it will be less obvious that we were out here together. I will follow you a little later.”

Maera pushed forward and placed a brief kiss on Cregan’s cheek. “Thank you.” She whispered before heading back into the hall. Little did the two of them know that a certain one-eyed prince had seen the whole thing.

A/N - Happy Valentine's Day! Here is some Maera/Cregan smut as a gift. It was my first time writing smut so I'm sorry if it is utterly horrible.

[panakinthedisco]

As the world lay in shambles by the sudden outbreak of a disease called cordyceps brain infection, society is broken, the government is on the rubble where a world became lawless and violent. But even chaos is prevalent, some are persistent to find a vaccine, though it is deemed impossible and hopeless due to the overwhelming mutation.

Kannika Suriya-Neuman, the only child of two known Medical professors took part with the cause - becoming the first pioneers who tried to find the vaccine, ten years after the outbreak. With her parents, Phillip Neuman and Anna Suriya, the tumultuous journey to find a cure becomes, metaphorically speaking, the search for a holy grail that can end the virus once and for all. Their team that consisted of surviving doctors and medicine majors from different prestigious universities across America took part in a seemingly impossible cause.

Even though there is progress, a group of syndicates that are formed has other things in mind. For years living in a world without law or governance, the idea to take power in a lawless country will be gone if a vaccine is created. The Citadel whose ideology is protecting the society they created is now in a threat to the vaccine so they did the unthinkable, pulverize the whole operation.

By the massacre of Kannika's colleagues along with her mother who sacrificed her life by saving people, the search for the cure becomes thin up until a revolutionary group by the name The Fireflies steps in to protect the remaining survivors.

But the quest of the cure becomes hopeless for another ten years. Kannika, now thirty eight years old, is beginning to believe that the world she's living in is going to rot along with the decaying corpses of the clickers and runners. Until, Marlene, one of The Fireflies, tells her about a young girl who might be the answer to the prolonged cure.

Hope begins to shine in the horizon as Kannika sets the journey to find the young girl who is said to be immune from the virus. In between crossroads and that small hope that she hid in her heart, a man with a cold heart comes to her with tenderness and begs to be indulged by that love that he couldn't even remember. Kannika finds herself with Joel Miller, a man whose life is enveloped in regrets and sadness. But Kannika is in thin ice as Joel would take a bullet for the young girl that he grows to love as his own child.

A child over the future of many generations.

While for Kannika with a gun in her hand pointing to her lover, she silently hopes from the darkest corner of her mind that Joel should've pulled the trigger.

pairings: joel miller x original character / original characters x canon characters

warnings: major character deaths (oop!), smut, violence, brief mentions of SA (will state in the chapter) and gore.

author's notes: this is a slowburn romance for kannika and joel. also, as much i want to make this as a reader x joel, kannika neuman has a special in my heart soooooo sorry y'all! this fic will stick to some parts of the canon (series and video game) but act one and act two is full canon divergence. basically making my own lore.

other notes: most of the graphics of this fic are made by me unless its stated.

translated version/s: i've got a spanish translation for this fic in wattpad. you can check it out in here [CLICK HERE]

collateral damage gif banner: made by @alderaandors <3

AVAILABLE ON WATTPAD & AO3

ACT ONE | INFERNO (sets in ten years after outbreak)

001 . . . . fungi

002 . . . . sense of normalcy

003 . . . . happy anniversary!

004 . . . . breaking dawn

005 . . . . the holy grail

006 . . . . alternate universe

007 . . . . i am, i am, i am

008 . . . . all things must pass

009 . . . . sense of kindness

010 . . . . whiskey and fate

011 . . . . machiavellian

012 . . . . a little light

013 . . . . tortured soul

014 . . . . the punisher

015 . . . . not now, not ever

ACT TWO | PURGATORIO (sets in eleven years after outbreak)

016 . . . . a path ahead

017 . . .. happiness is a warm gun

ACT THREE | PARADISO (sets in twenty years after outbreak)

SEE BELOW THE SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS OR YOU CAN VISIT MY ACCOUNT.

☆ MASTERLIST | NAVIGATION | SOCIALS | SIGN OFF BANNER MADE BY. @ALDERAANDORS ☆

[rkmoon]

Writeblr intro! (Let's do this right this time)

Hallo! I'm Revan. 25. A he/him enby. Living in the Philippines. AuHD. I'm a writer, (sometimes a) digital artist and microbiology student. I have a lot of writing projects (some of them fanfic but shhh) and I am flirting the idea of serializing them somewhere on the internet soon, so you may read them someday! Please don't feel scared to talk to me or tag me! I love talking. If you give me a chance I'll never shut up jhfbjhbfjbf

One of my goals is to be a prolific writer and if I start listing down what Im working on it'll be too much information haha so let me just say what projects are kind of close to finished right now.

(I write queer speculative fiction btw. If it ain't queer, I didn't write it lol)

My works

Project Shapeshift

Genre: Queer, Contemporary Drama

Length: ~30K (Could become longer)

Status: Draft 2 Ongoing

Tag: #projectshapeshift

Ariel Reyes hasn't been happy in a long time.

As a university drop-out working under a terrible boss, his life had been filled with work, work, and working even harder to please Gina, his live-in girlfriend. When Gina tells him she wants to move in a better apartment, he decides to find a second job to pay for it, even though he already felt drained to the bone. On a moment of weakness on the death anniversary of his mother, he prays to the agimat she had passed onto him for strength, only to wake up baffled in the morning, for he had gained the ability to turn into a woman.

One might think it would have be disturbing, but instead it was... refreshing.

And so it kickstarts Ariel's journey into finding their true self, rekindling old dreams, and turning his life around to grasp at their own definition of happiness.

Project Heartless

Genre: Queer, Dystopian Fantasy, Horror

Length: 118K

Status: Draft 3 - Waiting for Beta

Tag: #projectheartless

The Heartless are empty of morals– just as nonexistent as their heart.

That was what Rainier Sandoval had been taught at an early age. As an Inner City dweller, the barbarism in the Outer District, where the Heartless thrived, was hard to imagine. But when his own heart was stolen and crushed on his twenty-fifth birthday, he was exiled to that very place, forced to see for himself.

He had thought he was prepared, but the expectations were so horribly different from the reality. Conspiracies were afoot, and the more he stayed in Outer District, the more he realized he had been lied to his entire life. 

The monsters he was taught to fear might be Angel City's only hope against threats lurking beyond its borders. In a twist of fate, they might also be Rainier's only hope against his own inner demons.

(I will be adding to this intro as new projects come up! :D)

[christinesficrecs]

I might be drowning in lost fic requests. 🤦🏻‍♀️ If you can help I would REALLY appreciate it. ❤️

Stiles started dating this really abusive guy, he cut off all contact with the pack, his dad Etc and the guy moves them away (maybe Chicago). Stiles eventually leaves him and goes back home and it turns out the pack and his dad have been trying to find him.

Lost River (never reached the sea) by scribespirare | 13.2K | Mature Three years Stiles has been gone. Three years, and then out of the blue he shows up on Derek's front porch, bloody and bruised and in need.

I am looking for a fic where there's the monster of the week (it's maybe an incubus?) and it shifts to look like stiles. It convinces derek to not turn him into the rest of the pack. Derek agrees just to be able to be with 'stiles.' scott i think figures it out? And tells derek that it would have slowly killed him.

Derek hates touch because of Kate and flinches whenever someone touches him. But Stiles does this thing where he never touches Derek, instead he lets his hand hover around him, allowing for Derek to initiate the contact if he wants to. Oh! And Cora’s alive and I’m pretty sure the one who notices this. She ends up confronting Stiles about it at some point. I know it’s pretty short, just one chapter/ a one-shot, and around 5,000 words. I think, I could be wrong.

i see that you've come so far [just like them old stars] by crossroadswrite | 2.3K But her big brother’s unwillingness to touch anyone, like he thinks he doesn’t deserve it isn’t the only thing she notices. She also notices how Stiles doesn’t touch him. Everyone reaches for Derek in some form or another, but Stiles- Stiles is something different altogether because he reaches for Derek but he never makes contact.

Hi! Could you please help me find this fic where Derek is an alpha but of like the whole town I think? Or something. Stiles keeps getting into trouble or losing control (or something) and he goes to stay with Derek for a few weeks to help him behave/get focused because hes the alpha. Derek helps him focus better on his homework and runs exercises with him to burn off excess energy and misses him when he goes back to his dad's. That's all I remember, sorry its so vague.

Do you know of a fixk where derek and Stiles kill Gerard together but when chris ask them about it they act surprised he did? I dont know anything other than this so sorry

Basically it's young Derek x Stiles, Derek is part of the basketball team and they end up going on like a trip for a basketball game. Stiles tags along and they end up staying at a motel (they share a room). At some point it's Stiles’ Mothers death anniversary and Derek brings him fast food back from his jog. And I'm like 90% certain that there's like a bonfire at the back of the motel and Derek brings out his guitar infront of everyone and starts singing abt his crush on Stiles.

Okay sooo, young Derek x Stiles but the hale family are still alive. There's this whole thing about them both promising to have a starwars marathon. Derek also draws a lot in this sketchbook thing, he's like rlly private abt it but stiles ends up looking in it and finding a drawing of both him and Derek. Then Derek kind of wolfs out? He like loses control a bit and is afraid of hurting Stiles. OH! And then there's another bit where theyre playfighting in the Hales' kitchen and Derek pins Stiles down and stiles gets really embarrassed abt it. And then at the end there's like a really cute line abt their hearts beating as one 🥺🥺

Hey! I hope you or your followers can help me out but I've been wracking my brain on this one for awhile trying to remember this fic where everyone loses their memory of Stiles' existence but this is where I get fuzzy on the details. All I can remember is that Stiles returns to his house and his dad threatens him because he doesn't recognize him and so he ends up at Derek's. IIRC, Derek doesn't actually recognize him either (he might reveal this right away or later?) but helps him anyhow?

Hi! Ive been trying to find this fic, it was a amnesia type fic and I believe Derek went to visit his family who live out of state, he planned on finally telling them about Stiles but hes in an accident, loses his memories, and his family starts trying to set him up on dates(?). I think some of his family were wellknown or famous or someone told Stiles about Derek going out and Stiles just assumes he'd wanted out of the relationship but didnt want to tell him. Its mostly the summary I remember😅

Hi, I'm looking for a fic where young Stiles meets Derek in the woods as a werewolf, helps him get back home, to thank Stiles he writes him a letter and Derek replies that they become pen pals. That's what I remember that's how it starts. thank you!

[muiltifandomnerd]

Adventures of Chika Hanabusa: The Restoration of Earth

Disclaimer: This book follows the events of Percy Jackson and Heros of Olympus fanfic, this fanfic will not include Trails of Apollo, The Kane Chronicles, and Magnus Chase.

Chapter 16: Meeting Chika’s Parents

Reyna PoV

As I walked across the legionnaire, everybody was training. I'm glad that they were still disciplined while I was gone. Frank and Hazel were discussing their training, and they stared at me as I stood across from them. Frank seems more confident and composed with his posture up and his bulky body standing tall, he is not the same shy teenager anymore. Hazel has also become queenlier with the purple chiton and her curly cinnamon-like hair tied in a similar braid to mine. It was kind of adorable that they were holding hands, so I'm assuming that they have become a couple.

“Hey Reyna, Welcome back officially, how was the quest?” Hazel shakes my hand and looks at me with compassion with a small smile. The sunlight does highlight her dark skin pretty well.

“The quest was just a waste of time, but I did manage to stop my mother's Greek form from causing any more problems. Chika made it out safely, but Hyun has been exposed as a spy for the Titan Army in the past. Which led to me banishing her, she will survive and might even find a new home." Frank and Hazel look down at the ground, probably disappointed with her actions. Hyun was one of the few who never looked down on Frank and Hazel for their status, even though she wasn't close to them. I am disappointed with her since she caused the deaths of Camp Jupiter, but she was one of the first friends I had in Camp Jupiter.

"The important thing is that everybody was safe and not killed. Is there any other news that you want to share?" Frank asked while Hazel stared at me with uncertainty, why is Hazel looking at me like that?

“I was thinking about spending the spring semester at the mortal world and then I will be back as Praetor." Hazel did a small smile and hugged me while Frank just closed his eyes and did a proud smirk.

"Honestly Reyna, you do deserve this break than the rest of us, you hold this camp together while we have the Earth Mother herself. Now it is our turn to look after our comrades” Frank says with an understanding tone while Hazel puts her hand on Frank’s shoulder.

"Don't worry after I am done with the spring semester, I will come back as Praetor. I just wanted to explore the mortal world and what it's like to be normal. Plus, I’m going with Chika, whom I trust very well, and she offered to let me stay at her place. So, I already got a plan of where I’m staying while I go to school.” Hazel and Frank look on in approval and give me a thumbs up.

“I do want to meet Chika, maybe you should invite her to the next anniversary party. She seems like a nice girl.” Hazel says out of curiosity. It will be ironic if Chika and Hazel become friends considering their parents’ history and the fact that Chika holds our biggest enemy inside her.

“Sure, I will ask her about it, you will like her. She’s a kind and trustworthy person and she has inner strength. She did help Hyun and I survive the quest.”

"I'm sure she will be cool to hang out with," Frank says and then offers a nod of approval once I walk back to my office. I'm not going to unpack from the pouch since I will be leaving soon. I'm both excited and a bit anxious since I will stay at Chika’s father’s home,  I will be a good guest in his home. I put my robotic hounds and give them a rubber ball to play with.

Chika and her father, Isshin Hanabusa were waiting in front of my office. How did her father get here so soon, I thought I would be him at night.

“Nice to meet you again Reyna, I hope that you will enjoy your stay at our home. I am lucky that Demeter is helping us travel without monster interference, she's waiting outside as we speak." Isshin explained. I got my magical pouch that had all my clothes and other necessities, and I followed them outside to meet Lady Demeter. She was wearing jeans and green flannel, while her long dark was free flowing and not tied up. Lady Demeter is a gorgeous woman and I have no doubts that Chika inherits her beauty. I am curious why will Lady Demeter help transport us.

“Are you ready little ones, I can’t wait to help my family make dinner." Lady Demeter says in a typically motherly manner. Lady Demeter is very fascinating, I'm glad that she's the only goddess I must deal with. At least she doesn't try to kill demigods. Chika, Isshin, and I gathered around the goddess, and we were transported in golden green light. This doesn't feel too bad, my body doesn’t feel evaporated like with Hyun’s shadow travel. We are transported to a two-story house that is painted white with an armchair out of the front. We also saw a barn full of farm animals like chickens, horses, pigs, sheep, etc. And there was a huge land for a lot of crops.

The sky was turning evening when it reached a dark blue color and there was a beautiful sunset.

“I want to talk to you privately Daughter of Bellona. Can you spare a couple of minutes?” Lady Demeter asks while Chika and her father, Isshin, look at each other. Lady Demeter shoots a look at Isshin and Isshin gently moves Chika back to the house.

"Now that they are gone, I just want to say that I'm grateful that you look after my daughter and teach her how to survive on a quest. Don't be afraid to ask my assistance." Lady Demeter bows to me and I'm surprised by Lady Demeter's humility.

“The honor is mine, Lady Demeter. You should feel proud that your daughter honors your bloodline.” I bowed back to her.

"I don't care if she honors my name or bloodline. Just want her safe and happy like any mother would. She doesn't need to go on quests to gain my love and appreciation. She doesn't need to be a special hero like Hercules, I'm content with the fact that my children will have the freedom to choose their destiny and not be tied to prophecies. You can say that I'm my children's biggest cheerleader." Chika is truly lucky to have a warm-hearted goddess like Demeter as a mother. If only other gods felt the same way for their children, then the Titan War would never happen. Lady Demeter is truly special. I felt tears coming to my eyes and Demeter hugged me.

“It’s ok child, you have been strong for a long time. We gods are truly grateful for your sacrifices, your mother should at least give you a lot of money for your hard work. Just remember that you are cherished and loved by others. Never be afraid of finding love. Now then I bet my wonderful daughter made some delicious food for us. Come, it's getting late." I'm very surprised that she hugs me and I wipe my tears away quickly. Why did tears come out of my eyes from Demeter words, I must control my body, or else I will be seen as weak. I am a Preator of New Rome; I must be strong.

As we walked inside Chika’s home, at the wooden dinner table, there was an oven-baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn. How did they prepare this in such a short time?

“As you may be wondering why the food was ready quickly. I may have helped from this special lady over there before we picked you girls up.” Demeter points to herself and then waves at Chika and Reyna with a cheeky smile.

"So anyway Reyna, what is it like to be the 'Queen' of New Rome," Isshin asked in curiosity while Lady Demeter and Chika consumed their chicken and mashed potatoes like pigs. Isshin silently chuckles while they eat. I'm not going to lie, seeing both Chika and Lady Demeter stuffed themselves is very amusing. Chika and Lady Demeter looked at each other and blushed in embarrassment.

"Sorry Dad, this food is good. I will try to control myself." Demeter silently agrees with her.

"Sorry, my devouring habits are unbecoming of a goddess. We did a good job together Isshin." Demeter says as her face is red with embarrassment.

“I don’t want you to get a stomachache alright, we are safe from monsters," Isshin says in a calm voice. I'm guessing Isshin finds this amusing.

"Anyway, being a Preator is a huge responsibility like being a president. I have to make sure our society is running smoothly, make sure campers don't break the laws, make new rules as time goes one, make sure our military is strong, make sure our gods are honored, etc. Despite the countless responsibilities, I'm just glad that I can give back to other demigods and make sure everybody has a home" I explained, and  Lady Demeter looked down on the food, processing what I just say.

"I'm wondering if there are adults that took this responsibility, seems very heavy for a teenager," Isshin says cautiously.

“The adults are retiring veterans, it is up to the younger generation to keep the camp.” Both Lady Demeter and Isshin stare at me in uneasiness, but they hold their tongue.

"We gods do owe demigods our gratitude. Anyway, I must talk to Chika privately after this meal." Lady Demeter says, and Chika looks a bit anxious. Isshin seems to be a bit cautious but understanding.

“Thank you, Lady Demeter, and Isshin Hanabusa, for having me in your home," I say with gratitude.

“No problem, Reyna, we are happy to provide this lighthearted moment for you. Especially for having a stressful position” Isshin says. I had my plate and I chewed on the corn, mashed potatoes, and the chicken. The corn was a bit burnt in the ends, but not enough to ruin it for me. The mashed potatoes were very smooth, and you can taste the potatoes. The chicken was cooked at the right temperature, and it is not undercooked or burnt, this may be one of the best meals I have had in a while. I’m grateful for the dinner and I don’t mind staying here for a couple of months.

“I don’t mind having this moment and I did enjoy your cooking Mr. Hanabusa and Lady Demeter. I will be honored if you let me stay at spring?”

“We do need extra help on the farm, and it seems you have the right muscles to do many tasks at the farm. But yeah, I don’t mind you staying here for Spring. My daughter will appreciate that, isn’t that right Chika” Isshin winked at Chika and Lady Demeter did a teasing smile while Chika's face went very red.

“Sure…I don't mind…sharing this house…with my…good friend…Rey-Reyna "Chika strutted madly while Lady Demeter and Isshin cast a knowing look at each other. I hope Chika is ok with this, but she did offer anyway. I may have to ask her what she thinks of me, the way that she stutters is a bit concerning, I hope I didn't intimidate her by accident. I do like spending time with her, she's a welcome presence in my life.

"Well, it is decided, congratulations Reyna for joining this farm and our family," Isshin says in a high voice and Lady Demeter chuckles madly.

“Way to be subtle Dad.” Chika looks embarrassed.

"Hey, daughter, your friend over there seems like a responsible and strong girl. I'm grateful that Reyna protects you for the quest and she has my eternal gratitude for that." Isshin says cheerfully and Lady Demeter looks on in approval.

“I agree Isshin, it seems our daughter is very fond of her, and I trust her over any deity to look after her.” Lady Demeter cast a knowing mischievous smirk at Chika while Chika rubs the back of her head nervously. This family seems nice, even with a goddess in it. I don’t mind getting to know Chika’s family very well. I wonder if I will have a family like that someday. All I can do now is make Camp Jupiter safe and prepare other demigods for the worst so that they feel safe to have their legacies. That is my biggest in life, to make sure the demigod race can at least have a semi-normal life and die peacefully. The night passed while I finished my delicious meal and Chika and Isshin decided to do the dishes together. Once that is done, Isshin shows the guest room, with a small desk and a big bed covered with a huge white blanket. I just decided to lay in the guest bed for a bit and suddenly I feel a bit tired, but not enough to fall asleep. I wonder what Lady Demeter wants to talk to Chika, the only thing I can think of is the whole Gaia situation. Does Lady Demeter know about it and will she help Chika with it? I guess I will ask Chika about tomorrow, for now, I will rest for a bit.

[demon-of-the-ancient-world]

Athelstan + Lagertha friendship headcanons

Sigh. Here we go again. I'm almost as unhealthy about these two as I am about him and Ragnar. Only reason I'm not doing hcs about Them is because I'm pretty sure it's all been said before.

Sort of inspired by @procrastinatingsoicanreadfanfics 's hcs here (which came in response to an ask of mine so...I'm just adding to this very long ago discussion I guess)

it's (too) long so under the cut:

So I headcanon their relationship as being slightly on the antagonistic side when they first meet and for the first little while of Athelstan being their slave

Athelstan is more than a little afraid of her

But a little in awe of her too

She's definitely not as warm towards him as Ragnar is to begin with. He's a disruption to their otherwise pretty straightforward lives, a stranger, and someone she has a hard time trusting

Also gets Fed Up with how little knowledge he has about how to help run a farm

She *does* care about him deep down, just tends to be more stern towards him

I have this idea that at some point some farmer neighbour or somebody starts harassing him or giving him crap for something that isn't his fault, maybe pushing him around a little, and Lagertha sees it and goes OFF on the guy

Like, goes full mama bear mode and Athelstan is so very stunned

And then very matter of factly goes back to her work and he's like wait wait what now

After that is when he really starts wishing they could just be friends

She teaches him to knit

And later years down the line they have knit and chat nights

(often to complain about whatever Nonsense Ragnar is up to)

His food experience is a little different from hers but I like to think they exchange cooking tips

And herbal medicine tips

Honestly? He's a bit of a simp

Not in a gross way, more of a "my friend is just so awesome and I'm kind of obsessed with their whole vibe please listen to how great they are" kind of way

will absolutely tell other people how cool she is if they don't already know

(Obviously he loves Ragnar too, but Ragnar isn't 'cool.' Ragnar thinks he's cool, but let's be honest he is. kind of a dork.)

Any time she gets a new boyfriend after being split from Ragnar he will hype her up to whoever it is so hard as long as they aren't a creep

And if they are he tells her straight up because I think he's got a good sense of people

& she knows he's right in those (rare) cases, because he's normally very supportive of her doing whatever tf she wants in terms of new lovers, so when even he's like "nah something's up with this one" she respects his judgement

Likewise, she'll try to hook him up with singles in Kattegat

In an attempt to be sneaky but he KNOWS what she's up to

Honestly? They fight really well alongside each other. Like they tend to be pretty well in sync even in the chaos of a battle

She has definitely saved his ass in MANY times

But he's made his fair share of saves as well, some surprising

Including one time when he saw an archer from a distance before she did and just yeeted himself full force on top of her knocking her aside before either of them could be hit

He worries over her after battles though, and has definitely helped her with injuries before

One time somebody asks them if they're together now after she left Ragnar, and after a stunned silence they both just crack up laughing

They both mourn Gyda on the anniversary of her death. Every year.

At first it's separately in their own private ways, without each other knowing, but one year she quietly reminds him what day it is and when he tells her he already knows she's so touched and surprised, not knowing he remembered

She can be such a mom with him sometimes

And honestly like, in a totally not-unhealthy way, Athelstan doesn't want to acknowledge it but deep down he sees her as the closest thing to a mother figure he's got

I think she doesn't really realize how deep their friendship actually goes

Until they have some semi-intoxicated emotional heart-to-heart at 2 am and end up crying and hugging the whole works

Ragnar finds them and is Very confused since this is very out of character for them both

None of them ever bring this up again

[not-that-blog]

So I have major death anxiety and my way of dealing with that is planning, a lot of planning and trying to prepare myself for the fact that when people die, it is going to absolutely fucking suck and I am going to hate it and it will rock my entire world all over again.

And I don't know her umblr despite knowing that I used to follow her on my original account, but I follow Berklie on TikTok and her dad just died and there's one where she mentions how she's mad at her brother again for dying and leaving her to face the funeral decisions alone.

And it hit me with the hardest fear that I had not considered actually....

How much will I hate my disowned sibling when we lose our mother.

How much will I hate him when I have to bury my father.

How will the three of us who actually 'talk' do when we have to bury either or both of our parents.

What happens when I lose my sister?

Like, tbh, we always thought that I would go first, but actually it looks like I am going to be the one who successfully fights death until I make it to my 90's or higher because honestly... I actually have a will to live not just not die…

But my sister also has a potential brain bleed and has had a stroke and is at high risk of stroke and all I can think is that at any moment my sister could die and she doesn't talk to me and I am clueless to what she would want tbh.

Similarly with my little brother, but mostly bc he does mixed martial arts and I worry about the impacts of yo-yo dieting for weight classes and head injuries for him... plus he still lives with our parents and that's just not a healthy environment. I moved out of that house and stopped having seizures every fucking day so that tells you a lot.

And the disowned sibling? The one who cut us off and us in return went 'cool, we're deadbolting it behind you asshole.'… I dread his return in any of those circumstances.

But if he returns for our younger siblings in the very very distant future, bc idc how much I fight with my younger sibling being an asshole too he's not allowed to die anytime before his 70's at least... I will lose my shit at him.

Our sister, I'll shut up a bit.

Our mother, I'll give him some shit but let him grieve.

My father? If he shows up there I'll tell him that I don't care about his grief there or whatever, he can fuck off, he can cry over his direct family members only, but for mine and our little brothers only piece of fucked up family? He's not welcome and he can go back to the abusive Hamilton fuckers he chose.

But I think with my father, who probably won't stubbornly kick it anytime soon but if he does...

Potentially the shirt he married my mother in. It's the kind of sentiment he would like because as much as I am team 'they should have gotten divorced years ago', they've been together coming towards 40yrs (I think mum was mid twenties when they met and she's 60 in February), married for 19/20 in September? I can't remember if I was 5 or 6 when they got married, but I think it's 20 this year bc mum was talking about going to Tassie for their 20th wedding anniversary.

My mother is probably getting dressed in something pink, flowy, long and floral. And she wants to buried, but also under a plant. So if I can, her headstone will be made so that I can put a rose bush on it. She refuses cremation so I can't just seperate her into necklaces and give people memorial plants. I will do memorial plants anyway for her, she'll get a little memorial plaque in a personal rose garden when I have a permanent place.

If my father doesn't go in his wedding shirt, probably something with coloured birds or a car on it. I have several shirts in mind he could go in, but I would also want to make essentially in memorial bears or blankets or something.

Because as much as my parents suck, I do actually care and believe they're good people at heart and I have seen that in them... they're just severely fucked up from some horrific levels of trauma and both are actually at risk of alzheimers, mum genetically and dad from all the head traumas and drugs. He's already dealing with major cognitive declines, it's just the curse of he's always been so fucking smart with a photographic memory and a decent enough amount of social skills from growing up rural that he hides it too well from medical teams and he's going to be so far gone before it shows up in testing. Because I haven't recognised my father in 5-6 years so, it's just painful.

I'm also responsible for everything now.

My sister has walked out and gone NC.

My younger brother is the kind of autistic that doesn't cope with it at all and I am actually completely terrified for what his response to grief will eventually be.

Our other brother has been gone for a long time and I am aware that if he shows up while I'm grieving I will lose my shit at him because the rage is there....

But I am the oldest child of my mother's second marriage and my father's oldest child.

I'm the one who's been designated to go through and remove things on behalf of both of my parents that they either: 1. Don't want the other to find. 2. Don't want the other to accidentally toss because it's valuable in some way and they both acknowledge occasionally that the house is affected by their hoarding habits.

I'm going to be responsible for burying my parents and I have never been so heartbroken and relieved to realise that I am going to be doing it alone.

Although realising this, I am going to sort out my own life insurance and funeral arrangements soon bc fuck leaving that stress to my loved ones.

[latenightsleuth]

Chuckie Mauk Jr - UNSOLVED MURDER 1986

(Image: https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/13366202/charles-b-mauk )

Article below from Macon.com:

Childhood friend offers $100,000 reward in 1986 slaying of 13-year-old in Warner Robins

BY BECKY PURSER MAY 24, 2020 08:00 AM

Chuckie Mauk SPECIAL TO THE TELEGRAPH

WARNER ROBINS

The unsolved murder of 13-year-old Chuckie Mauk in 1986 still haunts childhood friend Jason Cranford.

“The night he was shot, we’d all been riding our bicycles jumping this rail he’d built,” said Cranford, who now lives in Colorado. “I probably saw him about 30 minutes before he got shot.

“We were all riding our bicycles home. We split ways. I went to my house, and he went to the store,” he said.

Chuckie, a gregarious, blue-eyed teenager, was found face down in a pool of blood near that neighborhood grocery store where he’d ridden his bicycle to get some candy and gum about 8:15 p.m. Feb. 17, 1986. The gum and the store receipt were still in his hand.

“He got shot and a few minutes later, a couple of my other friends knocked on my bedroom window and told me what happened,” Cranford said.

On the anniversary of Chuckie’s death earlier this year, Cranford said he was deeply touched by a Facebook posting about Chuckie by another childhood friend.

That post, coupled with the fact that Cranford now has a 13-year-old son of his own, motivated Cranford to reconnect with nearly 30 childhood friends who also were shaken by Chuckie’s killing.

They agreed that something had to be done, and Cranford, who had the means, said he decided to offer up a $100,000 reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the killer.

Cathy Miller, Chuckie’s mom, connected Cranford with Fox News host and Macon native Nancy Grace, who launched her new show “Crime Stories with Nancy Grace” on Fox Nation earlier this year with an episode about the slaying.

Grace connected Cranford with CSI Atlanta, which created a reward fund with the $100,000 Cranford fronted, and established a tip line to ferret through information and relay that to Houston County sheriff’s investigators.

“I would like to find out who did it because Cathy Miller, Chuck’s mom, is getting older now, and we would really like to see her get some peace with this before she passes away,” Cranford said. “And the other issue is all the kids that lived in that neighborhood — there’s close to 30 of us — and it scarred all of us for life.

“We were never the same after that. It was all of our first experiences with death ... It’s something we’ve never forgotten our whole lives. So, I’d like to give all the kids in that neighborhood peace, too; satisfaction,” he said.

Cranford became fast friends with Chuckie in the third grade at Russell Elementary School. They were also in school together at Warner Robins Junior High School.

“He was great,” Cranford said. “He was probably the best BMX bicycle rider in our neighborhood.

“He was just fearless. He’d jump any ramp. He’d dirt jump. He was a just a brave little kid,” Cranford said.

Chanda Burch, whose Facebook post moved Cranford, said Chuckie was the first person she met as a new student in the fourth-grade at Russell Elementary School. They were also in the same junior high school.

“This was the kind of boy he was: He would walk me home from school every day and my house was a lot further than his house, and he’d walk me home and then he walked back to his house,” Burch said. “We would stop at the corner store and he would buy me a blow pop every day.”

They were childhood sweethearts.

“Back then, we didn’t have technology. So, we were always writing notes to each other, and he kept every note that I wrote him,” Burch said.

He kept those notes in his bedroom in a big jar that he later hid because he didn’t want his mom to read them, Burch said. But where they were hidden is unknown.

She, Cranford, other childhood friends and Chuckie’s mother were among those featured in the “Crime Stories with Nancy Grace” episode.

“It’s something that we’ve all been living with for 30-something years and we couldn’t do anything as children,” Burch said. “We were helpless. There’s nothing you could do, and we didn’t know what to do.

“And now, we’re older, we feel like like if the community could get together to keep pushing, and hopefully pushing the cops to do something, or just somebody to speak up and finally say something. It’s been so long. And it would just be beneficial and kind of therapeutic for everybody if we could just figure this out and do something, bring this person to justice,” she said.

The CSI Atlanta tip line can be reached by phone at 404-325-4646, or by email at CSIATLANTA@cbs46.com.

(Image: https://www.crimeonline.com/2020/04/21/chuckie-mauk-will-newly-discovered-details-crack-case-of-little-leaguer-gunned-down-after-buying-bubble-gum/ )

[kimmimaru]

Putting this under the cut as its kind of Rebirth spoilers? But...maybe not? Since everyone's already seen the scene in Remake I suppose. I dunno, just to cover my ass I'm sticking it under a cut. There is a lot of talk about real person death, so if that's not for you, don't read.

So in Rebirth we get the 'joy' of reliving Ifalna's death scene. So, there I am, playing the game, enjoying myself and having a good ol' time when bam! I get to remember that I also no longer have a mother. So...fun times. People say that crying is healthy blah blah but seriously, it gets boring and I hate it. I do not enjoy feeling like shit lol. Grief is awful and I don't reccomend it. Does it ever go away? Probably not, its been years since my mum died and its still there. I know Cloud's mum dies too, but it doesn't bother as much as Ifalna's, I think maybe thats because of the context surrounding it tbh, you're so taken up with the burning of Nibelheim, its not as impactful as a small child sobbing over her mum's corpse. It probably also doesn't help that Mother's day wasn't that long ago and neither was the anniversary of my mum's death? Makes it that much closer I suppose. And my mum's birthday is due soon...just genrally a bad time of year for it lol. On the subject of parent deaths in Rebirth: Nanaki's dad...now I cried so hard in the OG during that scene. When all you hear is the soft music and that mournful howl, its devestating but Rebirth was eh about it. They could, and should, have done that better tbh. Og's version was way better, the lack of voices was way more impactful.

[mojput-mypath]

OPERATION: TRANSFORMATION /// OPERACIJA: TRANSFORMACIJA

THE ISSUE

A year ago, was when I first experienced a strange change in my birthmark. I call it "my birthmark" because I was born with it and always felt it special. I was a new born baby, and half of my tiny head was covered in this huge birthmark of a purplish colour. I was told it was a "mother's wish." I hope it came true, mommy!

It got infected without any obvious reason. I was trying to keep it healthy, but nothing was helping until I used an antibiotic-infused cream. This repeated several times, so I got worried and went to get it checked. It took an entire year of specialist check-ups and opinions until I was suggested to simply remove the whole birthmark.

It was not suggested it was malignant, and it turned out it was not, but the changes were inexplicably strange, and Western medicine judged it to be removed. I simply felt it should be done. I got an appointment for the operation, and that was it.

I suddenly realised I was somehow not ready for it, it all happened so quickly, and it was all too soon. I had no idea how long the recovery would take, and what exactly would be done.

The rescheduling became a complex process of having to change several appointments. It took about 3 hours walking from door to door to end up having 2 date changes until a final date was appointed to me.

Only later, did I realize that the final date of the surgery was exactly on the 2-year anniversary of my father's death. I kept wondering at the Universe and its great sense of humour.

I remembered my dad showing me a much smaller purplish skin change coming up on his head, as he joked that he has developed the same birthmark as mine. We were connected by something again.

The same evening, we watched a film at home. There was a notion of receiving a tickle from a ghost — when something unusual happens, that reminds you of a deceased person. This was my huge ghost tickle.

I have not forgotten the date. That is for sure. Now it is even more etched into my consciousness.

THE SURGERY

The date came, and I went to the hospital. If you can say a surgery went well — it went really well. Everything was really, really nice — the head shaving was fun, the preparation was easy; all the nurses, and different doctors introduced themselves and made me feel really safe and comfortable.

They have removed the birthmark, but as it is quite big (cca. 4x4cm), so it needed some extra skin to cover it, it was transplanted from my collarbone area.

After the surgery, like in the movies, I cried, "More morphine!" and it was provided. I stayed in the hospital until the evening and was then taken home.

The next week I was mostly drugged up on painkillers. It took me another week to gather my strength back. This being the fourth week, I am slowly going back to normal.

To begin with, I could not do any of my usual practice. I could do only one. I would do my silent mantra japa, it would knock me out, and I would sleep soundly. Any other practice of any kind: breathing, other mantra meditations, holding mudras - I would just feel it so intently in the cut places.

I had to somehow accept I could not do any. It was not easy to let go of my attachment to my practice.

THE COPING

The doctor, with all conviction, informed me I would be doing yoga in 2 weeks. A month later - I am far from doing yoga. I can do a limited number of simple movements. But my mobility, stamina, and strength are improving every day.

For a moment, it was a weak body and delicate mind. My ability to manage people, thoughts, problems also diminished. My nervous system became very soft. Much more delicate than usual.

Definitely not an easy experience. Filled with jokes and fun to ease the hardship — of course! With enormous support from my partner, my mom, family and friends.

THE LEARNING

What I learned is that life sometimes slows you down for no apparent reason. The slowing down seems to be a pain, but in the current circumstances, it was a long-due (mental) rest for me.

What may be the hardest for me is to let go — to let go of work and responsibilities. To let go of assisting others, let go of being involved in everything, let go of being available, of being active.

Now, I am actively finding ways how to transfer attention from everything and everyone else and put myself as priority, until the moment comes, when I am ready to be there for others in full, and not half or quarter capacity.

THE REWARD

As I was bedridden, I could not travel. Rarely when Gurudev comes to Europe that I am not there. Yet somehow, he manages to stay close. My sister showed him my picture just after the surgery, a very dear friend and colleague told him about me, and finally another yogi buddy made it possible for him to say hello and wave at me on video. In that moment I felt as if something touched me sharply – directly in the heart. I could feel it became bigger and more open. As if taking a long breath in after holding your breath under water. It felt invigorating.

Another very dear friend just contacted me out of the blue, and suggested I go for a particular therapy session, and I did (for those who know, it was CST). That gave me such an energy boost in such a short time. I could start going out for walks.

And finally, I had the opportunity to help (as translator) for the New Year’s program. I could sit and rest and meditate with Gurudev every day.

It is just miraculous how nature provides and nurtures whenever it’s needed. I had family and friends visit, when I was well enough to spend time with them, but could not go out yet. My partner got sick at the exact moment I was already able to cater to him.

If I could imagine, plan and draw every moment of life, I could not do it as perfectly as life makes it. An experience, a learning behind every little thing. A flow of events and care whenever it is needed. Miraculous.

Happy holidays to you all. Enjoy the last few days of the beautiful rest with all its experiences.

_______________________________________________________

PROBLEM

Prije godinu dana, prvi put sam doživjela čudnu promjenu na svom madežu. Zovem ga "moj madež" jer sam rođena s njim i uvijek sam ga osjećala posebnim. Bila sam novorođenče, a polovina moje male glavice bila je prekrivena ovim ogromnim madežom ljubičaste boje. Rečeno mi je da je to "mamina želja." Nadam se da se ostvarila, mamice!

Upalio se bez očiglednog razloga. Pokušavala sam ga održavati zdravim, ali ništa nije pomoglo sve dok nisam koristila kremu s antibioticima. To se ponovilo nekoliko puta, pa sam se zabrinula i odlučila provjeriti. Prošla su cijela godina specijalističkih pregleda i mišljenja dok mi nisu predložili da jednostavno uklonim cijeli madež.

Nije sugerirano da je zloćudan, i ispostavilo se da nije, ali promjene su neobjašnjivo čudne, pa je zapadna medicina preporučila uklanjanje. Osjećala sam da to treba učiniti. Dobila sam termin za operaciju, i to je bilo to.

Naglo sam shvatila da nisam bila spremna za to, sve se dogodilo tako brzo. Nisam imala pojma koliko će oporavak trajati i što će točno biti učinjeno.

Ponovno zakazivanje postalo je složen proces promjene nekoliko termina. Trebalo mi je oko 3 sata hodanja od vrata do vrata kako bih promijenila 2 datuma prije nego što mi je određen konačni datum.

Tek kasnije sam shvatila da je datum operacije bio točno na drugu godišnjicu smrti mog oca. Promatrala sam univerzum i njegov veliki smisao za humor.

Sjećam se kako mi je tata pokazao mnogo manju promjenu purpurne boje koja mu se pojavila na glavi, šalio se da je razvio isti madež kao i ja. Ponovno smo bili povezani nečim.

Iste večeri, gledali smo film kod kuće. Pojavila se ta ideja dobivanja poruke od duha - kada se nešto neobično dogodi, a podsjeća vas na preminulu osobu. To je bila jedna velika poruka od duha.

Nisam zaboravila datum. To je sigurno. Sada je još dublje urezan u moju svijest.

OPERACIJA

Datum je došao, otišla sam u bolnicu. Ako mogu reći da je operacija prošla dobro - prošla je stvarno dobro. Sve je bilo stvarno, stvarno lijepo - brijanje glave bilo je zabavno, priprema je bila laka; svi medicinski radnici, sestre i različiti liječnici predstavili su se i učinili da se osjećam stvarno sigurno i ugodno.

Uklonjen je madež, ali budući da je prilično velik (cca. 4x4 cm), trebalo je malo dodatne kože da ga prekrije, presađena s područja ključne kosti.

Nakon operacije, kao u filmovima, plakala sam: "Još morfija!" i dobila sam ga. Ostala sam u bolnici do večeri, a zatim su me odvezli kući.

Sljedeći tjedan većinu vremena provela sam pod utjecajem analgetika. Trebalo mi je još jedan tjedan da skupim snagu. Sada je četvrti tjedan, polako se vraćam u normalu.

Na početku nisam mogla raditi svoje uobičajene prakse. Mogla sam raditi samo jednu stvar - tihu mantru japa. Bilo koji drugi oblik prakse: disanje, druge mantre meditacije, držanje mudri - osjećala sam to intenzivno na mjestima rezanja.

Nekako sam morala prihvatiti da ne mogu raditi ništa drugo. Nije bilo lako pustiti vezanost za svoju praksu.

NOŠENJE S POSLJEDICAMA

Doktorica mi je s uvjerenjem rekla da ću raditi jogu za 2 tjedna.

Još nisam sposobna za jogu. Mogu raditi ograničen broj jednostavnih pokreta. Kapacitet se povećava svakim danom.

Sve u svemu - slabo tijelo i delikatan um. S obzirom da je glava bila podvrgnuta operaciji, moja sposobnost suočavanja s ljudima, mislima, problemima također se smanjila. Moj živčani sustav postao je vrlo osjetljiv. Mnogo osjetljiviji nego inače.

Definitivno nije bilo lako iskustvo. Ispunjeno šalama i zabavom kako bi se olakšao napor - naravno! S ogromnom podrškom od partnera, mame i obitelji, osjećala sam se zaista voljenom i maženom.

UČENJE

Ono što sam naučila je da život ponekad usporava bez očitog razloga. Usporavanje se čini bolnim, ali u trenutnim okolnostima to je dugoočekivani (mentalni) odmor za mene.

Ono što mi je možda najteže je pustiti - otpustiti posao i odgovornosti. Otpustiti pomoć drugima, odustati od sudjelovanja u svemu, odustati od dostupnosti, od biti stalno aktivna.

Sada aktivno tražim načine kako preusmjeriti pažnju sa svega i svih drugih i postaviti sebe kao prioritet, sve do trenutka kad budem spremna biti tu za druge u punom kapacitetu, a ne samo na pola ili četvrt.

NAGRADA

Kako sam ležala, nisam mogla putovati. Rijetko kad Gurudev dođe u Europu, a da ja nisam tamo. Sestra mu je pokazala moju sliku odmah nakon operacije, draga prijateljica i kolegica mu je pričala o meni, a drugi prijatelj yogi mu je omogućio da me pozdravi i mahne na video pozivu. U tom trenu sam osjetila nešto oštro - ravno u srce. Osjećala sam se osvježeno kao da sam udahnula nakon zadržavanja daha pod vodom.

Još jedan dragi prijatelj me kontaktirao iznenada i predložio da idem na određenu terapiju (za one koji znaju, bila je to CST). To mi je dalo energetski poticaj u jako kratkom vremenu. Mogla sam izaći vani, šetati.

Na kraju, imala sam priliku pomoći (kao prevoditelj) na online programu za Novu godinu. Mogla sam sjediti, odmarati se i meditirati s Gurudevom svaki dan.

To je jednostavno čudesno kako priroda pruža i njeguje kad god je potrebno. Imala sam posjete obitelji i prijatelja kad sam bila dovoljno dobro da provedem vrijeme s njima, ali još uvijek nisam mogla izlaziti. Moj partner je obolio u točno onom trenutku kada sam već bila sposobna brinuti se za njega.

Da mogu zamisliti i nacrtati svaki trenutak, ne bih ga mogla nacrtati savršenije nego što to život čini. Iskustvo, učenje iza svake male stvari. Savršeni tijek događaja i briga kad god je potrebno. Čudesno.

Sretan blagdani svima. Uživajte u posljednjim danima predivnog odmora sa svim iskustvima koje donosi.

[myawesomebeautifullife]

I can love me better than you can

This week is the release of Miley Cyrus’ new album titled Endless Summer Vacation! I’m so excited for this album! Plus she is doing a disneyplus special with singing The Climb! Like 2013 Miley would probably be saying that yes hell as frozen over. I am excited to be playing this album on replay.

Anyways, yeah I’ve had another melt down. This time it’s about my appearance and age and the stage I am at in life. My normal inner inspirational speech this time isn’t healing it. Like I’m thinking the correct thoughts but the inspirational effect isn’t there. 

As I am writing this I am realizing that this month is the 4th anniversary of my Mother’s death. Yeah this is probably somehow connected. The reason why I am even on here is because as I was laying in bed I was thinking about life and a random memory of my Mom came up and I just started flooding with tears.

The memory. Once when I was young I remember I was sleeping in my mom’s bed and waking up the next finding myself in my bed. She had told me brother had a nightmare. It just reminded of other times of when I was super scared and she was there for me. 

The last couple of months of her life was not great for anyone. I feel deep inside that she knew her time was coming and had given up on life. While the rest of us didn’t quite feel that or were in denial. The reality is my Mom had the ability to make a decent recovery. She just had a such a real negative outlook on life and it was so annoying and aggravating. I was being pushed to my limits. A twenty something year old having to choose between taking care of their parent or sacrificing being a twenty year old. That is something that doesn’t sit well. No one has a right to judge that twenty year old who had no life experience and running only on survival mode.

I truly believe my Mother was a narcissus. Wow I can’t believe I’ve actually written the words out. They say they are created because the child doesn’t get right nurture from their parents so they seek it externally and when they have kids they see them not as individuals but extensions of themselves and what they can do to serve them. The story checks out. My grandparents were quite dysfunctional and relied on my Mom to raise her FIVE other siblings.

I’m not going to lie. It’s hard to hear people talk great about my Mom. Yeah it’s true she did amazing things but she was also a bitch to her kids. My Mom was a control freak. We were the victims of it, My dad, my siblings, and many family members. My Mom, since having the stroke, now had to rely on the people who she made her victims to help her. Let me tell you. It’s not pretty at all. I was pushed to my limits. I remember one time she was screaming her head off and I went into my bathroom and fell the floor crying and texting Sami that I just couldn’t take it anymore. Poor Sami. I can only image getting a text saying “I can’t take it anymore.” The stroke show me a side of my Mom that I knew was there but wish it wasn’t.

This is why when these small memories float by and give me hopes and glimpse that she wasn’t a narcissus but maybe just a really hurt person. Because it would mean she really is capable of love and the love that was there was truly authentic. It breaks my heart so much. They say a narcissus only loves on conditions. What can you do for them?! Love is treating someone with kindness and respect. Love is wanting the best for someone no matter what. Love is accepting someone for who they are and allowing them the space to grow. My Mom made great sacrifices for her children and people she cared about. However the way my Mother spoke and treated me wasn’t great. I always had in the back of my mind even when I younger that this isn’t how you treat someone when you say you love them.

Idk what the answer is. She must have been able to feel love. I do believe she loved me. Once time I had asked her a question and she looked at me and gasps and answer “what?!” I asked her what she thought I said and she thought I had said “Mom do you love me?” Her reaction was defiantly real. If she didn’t love me she wouldn’t had been shocked. But she really did know how to cut deep with her words. How to leave someone feeling very little about themselves. 

I’m also split because it’s just so unfair that I have to go through life without my Mom. I wish she was here. I miss her so much. I don’t understand why things had to play out like this. 

Mom I do believe you loved and cared for me. However mom, I can love me better than you can.