#its such a difficult thing yk?
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if you are someone like me who has trouble processing life events/mental health stuff create an oc. like. make a guy who's entire story is yours, who knows every inch of your suffering b/c they are you but maybe all their troubles stem from being in an intergalactic war with goob noobs or something. hurt them in terrible ways so that you dont hurt yourself.
#spacie spoinks#fiction is a good way to explore things that are difficult to deal with i do it all the time with my ocs!!#i mean this wont work for everyone#but making an oc who i just constantly take my pain and suffering out on#is something i find very cathartic#also hes not real!!#i made him up!!#hes like just a vessel for my own suffering#a copy of me and what i think i deserve#but will never actually give myself#yk?#also yes make the character you essentially but also keep a certain distance from them in your mind so#that you know that they are you but not *entirely*#its a really hard thing for me to explain#but when i think about my self harm oc i feel bad for him#b/c hes me and we share the same story but different circumstances#hes me but also his own person#and when i think about what hes gone thru i feel sad and sympathetic#and so i end up feeling that way about me too#b/c we didnt deserve 2 go thru any of it#especially good for suicidal ideation#which is something i struggle with a lot
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oc tober day 10: personality. this is my character cirillo toscani, he used to be an actual stage actor, then was forced to become a nepotism baby businessman (part of one of the families that used to be so rich they ran like All trade in fantasy eurasia + north africa but they are all gradually losing power in recent years. ie the past several centuries), but he got fired from that too so now he is just a regular liar. though he gradually obtained more values over time due to a genuinely compassionate heart, he has spent his entire life being manipulated and guilt tripped by others, still being pretty spineless in the present day. he's also a social chameleon who can blend into any group and displays completely different personalities depending on context, which is why I drew him here as an actor waiting for his cue
#not as happy with this drawing bc i wanted to do something a little more complex but ended up having to rush it#sorry king.. i think its still like ok though#my ocs#my art#bweirdOCtober#character who is trans and also a huge liar but it's like. thats the one real thing about him yk. like he didnt transition#until after leaving his family. just a fun fact about him#also it made it a lot more difficult for anyone to track him down lol so that was a bonus#he is my second favorite character after rocio btw so i feel bad making him sound like such a terrible person but 1 he low key is#2 it would take forever to go into all the nuances lol so ig just trust me on this#hes usually just trying to make everyone happy + needs to be put in a position where he realizes it cant be done yk
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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i think your hat post is really cool and interesting but susan’s hat is a cat and i will die on this hill
this is true!!! when i was talking about the modern human hats not resembling animals i meant all of these ones
(excluding the minerva-bots and finn of course)
#wait. wait. i just thought something#finn wearing his bear hat -> bc it makes him feel connected to the humans#and martin & the hiders (that old woman with the tiger at least) not wearing hats bc they don't feel that personal connection w/ the island#ok this is so obvious but i just think comparing and contrasting finn and martin is so interesting#but i don't think martin really was a hider. i don't think he felt particularly connected to any ideology or viewpoint in particular#he's a floater#yk#martin is so interesting#i dont like the amnesia theory or whatever (that martin also lost his memory in some capacity)#like to me its just that. he was able to commit enough to start a family but not committed enough to go back to them#after being seperated & having freedom#& he just super duper avoids thinking about it bc it makes him feel guilty. but not guilty enough to do anything about it#like when he said he doesn't like thinking about minerva cause it stresses him out that doesn't come across as 'can't remember'#it very much comes across as 'nah im not gonna expend energy into thinking about something emotionally difficult'#like if he actually tried to be a dad to finn he'd have to face all the time he spent not looking for him. instd of just avoiding it all#like where's the fun in making him less Complicated. you know?#whenever finn is in the vicinity martin's always tryna get out of there as fast as possible 😭#i guess that could also just be seen as him trying to avoid the consequences of his actions (like when he's worried finns gonna try to rip#his arm off lmao) but i personally interpret it all as a guilt thing too#none of this is related to the ask but yea 🫣
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like at some point your well-intentioned "genshin theories" are just you displaying bigoted beliefs lol..
#personal#the thing is i get it! most of the times its not inttntional!!#and thats fine yk! we all make mistakes and when we've been raised w this shit ingrained into us ofc we'll instinctively fall back on it#even if we are trying our very very hardest to unlearn all of it!!#and its especially gonna be difficult for kids who are just trying to engage w the stories they like#and havent really developed their literary comprehension skills!!#but all of that unintentional ignorance does not change the fact that bigotry is bigotry and its hurtful#hence why i like this blog being small and focused on poc#and why im exceptionally wary of yt genpact fans that i dont know#bc the amount of unintentional racism there is tiring to deal with and i dont want to play educator all the time yk!#like w this dumbass game i dont want to play teacher for people who dont know how to be normal abt asian people#f criti
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TaTr is real and good. <- have a whole story in its head that would NOT fucking happen in canon.
#show doesnt give us anything my brain fills in the gaps#itd I GUESS be an AU but in my heart and mind its real jus lemme have this#Tenn gets re encoded as a service drone after the incident with the SIR units. tallests would rather put the blame on her than admit fault.#They get sent to moo ping 10 not as a prisoner just to work there (i go back on forth on what her specific job is. BUT its low profile.)#something like a custodian. tenn takes it as best she can but she DOES have a bit of that dramatic i want to get revenge feels.#like they've just lost their mission through no fault of her own. its a difficult time for her as she starts to kinda...question things.#like the way the world (or the only one she knows) works around her. but she also knows there isnt much they can do yk.#eventually she meets Tak there. who IS there as a prisoner.#i think theyd bond over the way theyre both victims of circumstance. and how they couldnt do anything to get where they were when meeting.#but hey. maybe being at your own rock bottom isnt too bad if someone's on the same level.#one thing leads to another they start their own “resistance” BUT really it is just them chilling in space.#theres lots of gaps BUT. but....shhh lemme have this i know its corny and would NOT fucking happen but they make me giggle happy smile.#ZIM SPEAKS#oh also mimi is included too. mimi is their emotional support kitty.#kitty mimi is forever i luv her FOREVER.#also i use they/she for tenn jst so theres no confusion ^_^!
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i'm sure no ones shocked to find out i am yet again downloading more sims 3 cc
#yk when you spend hours downloading cc (for any sims game) and then when you actually open the game its like you have 3 things to pick from#and you're like HOWWW???#thats how i was when i opened my sims 3 game and had little to no makeup / contacts / freckles/beauty marks#so i decided to download some more and yet again i've spent an hour just downloading more hairs and clothes#im downloading some lipsticks rn tho#and i downloaded a few contacts and freckles/beauty marks already#i already made a sim the other day but i forgot how difficult uni is in ts3#so i was kinda thinking about making a sim to play the store world legacy with#i think it'd be fun#i've never played with a single store world b4 because when i was big into ts3 i was like 8-11#and i didn't know you could download the worlds for free#but now i got them all so!#time to experience them all for the first time :)#and hopefully make a cute new sim too#maybe i'll give them a cat/dog#i haven't made a pet recently either#i love ts3 sm if it keeps running smooth and i manage to get a decent sims style i might never go back to ts4#i say that now but i probably will#i just think ts3 is 10x more fun once you build up a decent sized cc folder#anyway back to dling cc weeeeeeee
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I made her a bad card and called it a day
#like i always feel bad bc i think of how things like this will hurt her#bc shes still a person yk#but then she does shit to hurt me all the time and im a person#its so difficult out here god damn .#im gonna spam tag bc her bday is in less than three days#ill delete them after i promise#jude runs polls#jude has mommy issues
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the undying urge to go and recreate most of my ocs in ts2...
#and if i DID recreate them. who knows maybe i would add them to my MtMoi rotation... 🤭🤭🤭#honestly thinking of Leo being in strangetown with Roo while Roo fancies up Ajay is so juicy like.#i mean yk.. technically with how roo looks in ts2. its evident that this takes place LONGGG after him and leos little situationship#but i would still bend timelines and rules just so i can make leo A LITTLE jealous of Roo and Ajays little thing.. :3#hero would be a little difficult to implement what with her curses... i would prolly have to put a graveyard behind her house so it gets-#-haunted by ghosts...#nirvana and onias designs would get SOOO brutally butchered... 😔#anyways back to rdr2#yapping
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Hm.
#i need to get to writing a. dissertation on kaletu i think. just thinking abt the fact that this has been on my to do list.#but oooh boy that is NOT going to be an easy read also i can imagine.#(i mean. to me its not difficult but like ik that w the type of char he is? & the things he’s done?#the fact he’s really morally reprehensible? hence why i dont categorize him as a proper oc? yeah)#(but i still DO wanna write this to give ppl a full idea what he’s like. at least for one verse o mine. yk the one im most fixated on)#(aka N|.S|.R verse but yeah. in time tho i also am gonna write on him for other verses)#(given he’s always in ishtar’s backstory regardless of the verse. for deeply personal reasons obvs. but yk)#(anyway i m. rambling on. but im just tacking this onto the…#the list of ‘things ima write that wont be easy reads but i feel i wanna do & are important’
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halpp im playing this game and ig theres like 2 gamemodes. and in the original one you r always a man but im playing the other newer one (which is harder mainlybc the wiki is entirely focused around the other one skull) and im a woman (bc u get to make yr own character). and one small thang that ig they didnt fully think abt is that i got my husband pregnant
#WE DID IT ! MEDIEVAL POLISH MPREG !#its a fun game tho i think its still early access? medieval dynasty if anyone was interested#it semiscratches my itch for a like. town builder where you also know the individual residents and can talk to them and like watch them gro#over time and have families andALso you get to build the town#the social stuff isnt that robust rly but yk. i gets it#in my dream world there exists a very very boring game where each resident has like a defined personality and you can like.have unique#interactions w them. and also you can make a town#but thats probably impossible bc i dont want it 2 be like. Characters per se#well like. how do explain#id be fine if it was characters but id want them to like. age and eventually die and like. in my minds eye this thing goes for ages like.#maybe it passes on to an heir or maybe. oooo itd be fun if u were just like. an immortal thang who jsut decided to hang out in this village#or wtvr. but ya. but itd be like. yk...#in my ideal world you could also be a little matchmaker and influence their decisions but obv thatd be a bit of an issue 4 like. youd have#to have a lott of flexibility and stuff. itd be difficult. so.#basically idt itll ever be made but itis like my dream
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I'm never being nice to anyone ever again btw
#post posting#i used be kinda mean in like middle school#i really didnt like talking to people so i would like roll my eyes at them and ignore people#but in highschool after quarantine i decided i should probably be nicer#and now im generally a much happier person#its better to be nice to people even when they make it difficult#and i stand by that#but since im a girl or whatever#cis men tend to think im completely obsessed with them just because i was nice to them a few times#and like. i get The Thing. yk.#but just cause i smiled at you does not mean im in love with you
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also again to ppl who know me and folks who dont anyway, i still like u regardless of if we're mutuals or not so, genuinely sorry it feels like this year i'm kinda more unhinged and unstable than usual. believe me i know, and idk. trying to put into words. it is getting easier to talk about mental health, i think roleplaying and writing again really has made that easier for me to communicate certain feelings and going ons in my head, i guess i just dont like people being in the crossfire. so if i ever say any crazy shit in the spur of any kind of breakdown anywhere, do know i WILL be fine, i often end up fine, i just again, way more unstable than usual and for that im super sorry. a lot of folks have been very kind about it, and it means a lot, i guess what im tryna say is that this might be by new norm for a bit and i bitterly accept this and do whatever i can. i just want to preface that no one is in any capacity to feel responsible for me. if i say something crazy DO assume im working it out and im trying to get it together, dont feel bad for me ykwim. just be like. Damn that guys losing his mind. sucks. because i PROMISE you ill be fine.
#warning cuz yeah#maybe like 3 breakdowns back to back between normal moods#little bit embarassing#ik nobody laughing at me for being fucked in the head but its still a little mortifying to see the things i say sometimes when im out of it#think of it as me just experiencing a lapse in judgement tbh#cuz thats not how i think about things. its actually so much better than that i just yk#anyway yea im like a tiger in an enclosure. if im losing my shit just kinda idk. aint much you can do and thats completely ok#its just a liiiittle difficult to cope recently but i got my things. i do come back from it
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for some reason I've never had the urge to sh through cutting? i've done it maybe twice and both times it just felt :/. it's not that i'm afraid of blood or pain or something, in practice i'm fine with either and probably have something of a fascination, but it's just? never felt satisfying? and this isn't a complaint really its just. Odd, i guess? like. i feel like my brain should at least get some sort of satisfaction from it but it just. Doesn't.
#what ive always done as a kid is beat something/myself up#sorry childhood bedroom door you deserved better#i guess thats a sensory-seeking thing?#idk.#id bring this up to my therapist but uh.#she got uncomfortable if i ever went deeper than that i was a little sad that week#so. havent been to her in years#also my friend fucked her daughter and was said daughters lesbian awakening and the therapist does Not know any of that#and its a little difficult to be emotionally vulnerable when you know that about them yk#and theres like. No other therapist in town that doesnt just boil my issues down to The Trans Thing#at least this lady just wouldnt acknowledge it except if i asked for the papers i needed for transitional healthcare#so.#love the south
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being a creator who takes forever to yield any turnout because they spend way too much time perfecting, critiquing, and changing things is valid. being a creator who doesn't necessarily have a ball creating but the ends justify the means is valid >:(
#nobody said it wasnt lmao#other than the people who are this creator#aka me#and im sure plenty of others#so i share words of encouragement#writing is so fun but also so difficult#i rewrite the same paragraph atleast 3-4 times before i settle and move on#bc art is an extension of yourself yk#so i feel like its either a carefree thing that you do with v little roadblocks#or something that you tirelessly work to perfect#and both are amazing and valid and cool !!!
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i do fr need to work on differentiating between "actually middleclass" and "doesnt live paycheck to paycheck" lmao bc that is something i struggle with... obviously ik i have more in common with like. even somebody whos fr middleclass disney vacations every year. I know i have more in common with them than i do with bezos but god at least i dont have to see bezos being annoying in front of me every day KJANDJKLNLJD
#bc its like this. i obviously have way more contempt for a billionaire. obviously. but ive never met an actual billionaire yfm. and i Have#met middleclass ppl and A lot not all but a lot. are so insufferable and ikkkk not all of them or whatever but like. i constantly got shit#for being poor from middle class kids and like. ik im supposed to be class solidarity with them bc were all poor when compared to a#billionaire but goddd fucking damn they make it difficult . ik its like well the upperclass Wants the lowerclass and middleclass to be at#eachothers throats bc it means they dont pay attention to the upperclass walking over the both of them. i knowwww. but i can multitask#major in hating rich people minor in hating the middleclass...#THIS ISNT RLY RELATEDFTO THE LAST POST AT ALL i just have a lot of like. complicated feelings abt classism basicallyy.#like. i wouldnt wish poverty on anybody it fucking sucks. but as a kid i did sometimes fantasize abt swapping lives with my classmates who#had more money than me Not even bc i wanted to live their life but just so they would like. see the apartments i lived in and see the room#i shared with both of my siblings (weeman didnt exist yet lmao) and just like. look in the fridge. bc i just rly wanted ppl to get it lol..#there was this one assignment that was like. wants vs needs and ppl kept putting needs as like. A big backyard. vacation once a year. my ow#personal bedroom etc and ik they were kids but it was like. insanely frustrating to have these kids who had like. never had to live without#Wants. yk. bc then i would just write down like. food. shelter. water. thats it lmao i even had clothes as a want instead of a need. and#they were making fun of me bc my list was so short and its like . look man i have gone without these three things on multiple occasions. yk#and now i try to be like. its good that there are ppl who have never experienced that i dont want ppl to have to experience that especially#like. that was in 4th grade lol. i was 9. i shouldnt have been worrying abt bills and stuff and none of my classmates knew anything abt tha#and thats a Good thing they shouldnt have. but theres this selfish part of me that wishes they did KANDJNS bc its so insanely isolating to#have ppl like. interrogating you abt why your shoes are so worndown or why your winter jacket is too small yk. and you cant say 'my family#cant afford better/new ones' bc they dont even understand what money is. yk. IDK. im just very sensitive abt these kinds of things KANDNW..#perhaps a bit too oversensitive at times but yk. im working on it and im working on not being spiteful abt it bc like. yes it was isolating#but it was a good thing that the kids didnt relate to it yk. kids shouldnt relate to that and i shouldnt have felt that way bc no kid shoul#im also Ik i bring it up constantly but im still so mad abt that time my friends heard me say Yeah i have to go to court against my dad nex#wednesday . and they didnt say anything and then one of them went Ughhh my dad wont buy me the newest iphone hes buying me the newest#samsung instead But i have an iphone app that i spent 50 dollars on that wont transfer !!!!!! and then she endedup getting the iphone#anyways. sry ikk its grudge and i need to let it go but im still peeved... brinn there are people that are dying .#and also now i know that like. a lot of the other kids in my class Did understand and were just like. posturing. yk. a few of those kids#were from the same neighborhood as me lmao i was just too autistic to realize we werent supposed to be honest 💀 but yes. sry for this like#manifesto i am just thinking out loud..... well not bc this is text famously a written form of communication but we all understand. anyways
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