#its probably actually been longer than 7 years at this point

[team-pace]

I never uploaded this progress image but here's a new years pic from 2016 and the one from this year!

[apoloadonisandnarcissus]

Let's talk Galadriel x Sauron Sexy Times (Freudian symbolism)

@rey-jake-therapist inspired me to write this, and then a few other users started to question about it. Buckle up, this is going to be wild.

According to Tolkien legendarium, can Sauron and Galadriel "do it"? The short answer is: yes. As long as Sauron is in physical form, it's entirely possible. And he can even get her pregnant, too (but it would cost him). Not only that, but they might have already done it back in Season 1, actually.

The long answer is more complicated. Why? Eldar customs, probably decreet by the Valar. I already talked about this shortly in this post. Tolkien’s writings about wedding, love and sex among the Eldar (Elves) can be found in “Morgoth’s Ring, Part III. The Later Quenta Silmarillion: (II) The Second Phase: Laws and Customs among the Eldar.”

Right away, Tolkien makes a distinction between Elves and Men: according to him, Men are horny as hell. Elves not so much: they like sex (the act): "the union of love is indeed to them great delight and joy." Casual sex is a no; and for the Eldar sex = marriage. So much so, that a couple is considered married if they exchange vows to the Valar (Tolkien never specified these vows, only that Manwë is mentioned) and have sex (no feast or celebration required): this usually happens when the couple is in flight, and exile, and wandering. 

All textual evidence seems to point out that the purpose of this act is to have children: 

“. . . the act of procreation, being of a will and desire shared and indeed controlled by the fëa [soul], was achieved at the speed of other conscious and willful acts of delight or of making. It was one of the acts of chief delight, in process and in memory, in an Elvish life, but its intensity alone provided its importance, not its time or length: it could not have been endured for a great length of time, without disastrous "expense" . . . it is longer and of more intense delight in Elves than in Men: too intense to be long endured.”

Elves, usually, don’t have many children (Fëanor being the exception: he had 7 sons), because they spent a lot of both their body (hröa) and soul (fëa) creating them, and Elven pregnancies can last from 1 year up to 100 years (wild). They don’t need a magical pregnancy test, because both parents know when a child was conceived. This date is also the day they celebrate their birthdays (and not the day when they were actually born). They also don’t have children during war time.

The eternal bond (= marriage; because divorce is forbidden) between Elves happens during sex; when they have sex for the first time their bodies and souls become one (= “union of souls”), and it’s a more intense physical and spiritual experience than for Men. Elves who have not had that union together have not yet established that incredible bond.

After children, the Elves also lose interest in having sex all together, and devote themselves to “higher pursuits”. Meaning, once children are born, the couple is now celibate: with the exercise of the power (of generation), the desire soon ceases, and the mind turns to other things... they have many other urgues of the body and of mind which their nature urges them to fulfill.

According to Tolkien, "Elf libidos" only last for a period of one to several hundred years (in their immortal lives). And they look back at the memory of this time with nostalgia. By nature, Tolkien writes that the Elves are seldom swayed by the desires of the body only, but are by nature continent and steadfast. Meaning: they are able to control their urges.

Now, here's the catch.

Sauron, being a fallen Maia of Melkor, doesn't care about any of this. He doesn’t follow the Valar rules, and he hates the Eldar.

In "Unfinished Tales", Tolkien does point out Galadriel as an exception to all of these rules: Celeborn was the lover of Galadriel, who she later wedded. Again, Tolkien doesn’t goes into details here, so we don’t know if “lover” was purely romantic (kissing, for instance) or full-on sexual, really. Either way, it’s been established in “Rings of Power” just how “alien” she is among her kin, overall. And she is a rebellious spirit, going against Gil-galad, her High King, on several occasions, and against the Valar themselves.

Well, she ended up marrying Celeborn after him being her lover, but they only had Celebrían thousands of year later, though. And “Rings of Power” also created another question mark here, because Galadriel only mentions her husband one time: he saw her dancing, they got married, he went to war, and she never saw him again. In the lore, Galadriel and Celeborn, being royalty, most likely had a feast (ceremony). So… does this mean that in “Rings of Power” canon, Galadriel never had her “union of souls” with Celeborn? And that explains why she fell in love with Halbrand/Mairon?

In the lore, we also the have the “little” detail of Elves only having “libido” for a short period of time in their immortal lives.

This is sexual awakening right here. We’ve seen Galadriel being proud, strong-willed and rebellious, but in this scene she looks like a “teenager” (even though she’s thousands of years old, already). Mairon made her speechless with that look. And we also see Galadriel flirting with him after this.

But in “Rings of Power”, Sauron and Galadriel had their “blood marriage ritual” too, and this was their “union of souls”.

Now, we need to look at what Tolkien created in his legendarium: where sex = children, and, most likely, any sexual act that goes against that is frowned upon (consider a corruption to Eru’s creation).

But Mairon, being corrupted by Melkor, doesn’t have any problems in indulging in sexual acts what don’t result in any children (conceiving a child would also cause him to bind himself to his physical form at the time, and he probably doesn’t want that). Galadriel herself isn’t on the mindset for children, also, and she already rebelled against the Valar, herself.

Tolkien estate said no sex scenes, but we sure had a lot of sexual innuendo going on between Galadriel and Mairon, ever since Season 1:

First with Halbrand aka Repentant Mairon: with whim Galadriel had her “sexual awakening”. He pulls her out of the water, and she’s pretty much naked before his eyes. I already wrote a post about the physical attraction between them, so I won’t get into that here.

Freudian symbolism is associated with sex representations, and was developed by both Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung (dreams can reveal a person’s deepest unconscious wishes and desires), but it has been widely used in pop culture and cinema to illustrate several ideas.

Why is this sneaky bastard grinning about?

Well, in Freudian symbolism the mouth is also a symbol for the female genitals, while the spoon is a phallic symbol. The act of eating symbolizes sexual intercourse (= interaction between male and female symbols). What’s why Mairon is grinning: he’s fantasizing all kind of sexual scenarios here.  

In Freudian Symbolism, knifes/daggers/lances/swords (any object resembling the penis in shape or that can be used to penetrate the body and cause injury) are phallic symbols. Meaning, they represent the penis. An erection (in which the penis raises itself against the force of gravity) is usually represented in connection with an air element (it can be ballons, airplanes, missiles, rockets, flying, snakes, etc.).  

The Freudian symbolism behind this scene? Mairon has a boner, and Galadriel is touching it.

Recently, this scene has been talked about a lot (in reference to Celeborn being called a "silver clam"), but that's not the only symbolism happening in here:

The Númenórean smiths tease Mairon, and ask him how close is he with the "she-elf." This Maia is eating ("sexual intercourse") clams, here. Worldwide, the clam is a clitoral symbol, meaning it represents the female genitalia. What does this means? Eating Galadriel out is, probably, what Mairon wants.

Jealous Mairon peacocking for dominance:

Galadriel is right in front of his salad handling all of these swords (phallic symbol). And he wants to assert his dominance, here. The only “sword” she’ll be handling around here is his. And he’s the best at it, too.

Then, in Season 2:

Right off the bat, Sauron is using a snake themed armor. In Freudian symbolism, the snake is also a phallic symbol, representing sexuality, temptation, and erection; and also repressed sexual desires. Sure this is meant to illustrate him as the "great deceiver", but it’s possible to “kill two birds with one stone”, and he only uses this armor in this particular scene.

Now, we have to forget the fight, and concentrate on the dialogue and the symbolism here. 

It has already been noted by many fellow fans that this fight is meant to illustrate Galadriel and Sauron history in Season 1 (the places where Sauron injures Galadriel). And I agree: the entire fight scene was Sauron taunting Galadriel with their shared past. 

Fighting tactics speaking this whole move is very strange. Symbolically, it's pretty much on the nose, as they say: a crown (clitoral symbol) penetrating a sword (phallic symbol) = sexual intercourse. And Sauron does this very aggressively and right in front of her face. Then, he spins the crown and one sword in on his shoulder, and the other on Galadriel’s = they are joined.

Want details? Galadriel is on top (just like Tolkien intended), and then Mairon becomes “the lost king who could ride you” to finish.

And then we have Sauron sounding his most aroused and unhinged yet, while saying these words, with this expression on his face: 

The next dialogue is Galadriel accusing him of everything between them (back in Season 1) being a lie, and another of his illusions. To which he replies (with Halbrand’s voice): 

Then, enters Halbrand: he speaks to her almost whispering, a bit breathless, too, like a lover, and Charlie puts emphasize in two bits of his dialogue: “at your side” and “that feeling”.  And the expression on his face: Halbrand looks desperate, tormented, yearning and nostalgic.

Which makes me ask the question: if this fight is meant to illustrate their past history... does this mean that these two have been sexually intimate already!? 

Where, you might ask? In Eregion, of course. Where we have Mairon naked on a bed being healed, and both he and Galadriel stayed there, according to Elrond in 2x01, “for weeks” (which might suggest a whole month or more).

Some time after his “healing” and being working with Celebrimbor, we also see Mairon getting “touchier” with Galadriel, and whispering on her ear. What changed? When and why did he got so comfortable doing this?

We, the audience, assume that Mairon goes immediately to Celebrimbor’s forge after he wakes up, but is that true?

Celebrimbor asks him “shouldn’t you be resting?”. This can imply he had already awakened from the healing and he should be getting some rest instead of wandering around. And Galadriel, being in love with him, would surely want to be in the room when that happens. But he’s searching for her, instead. And the last scene we saw from Galadriel, was her and Elrond in the room where Mairon was being healed by the Elves.

And this is when they start to look at each other more passionately, too, like actual lovers (and not "just friends"):

Not only that, but he was already planning on forging two rings (surely, one for himself and other for Galadriel). In Elven tradition, the betrothals exchange two silver rings (in this case it would be mithril).

This would also provide a new layer to Sauron commanding his (new) Orcs to destroy Eregion right in front of Galadriel, to get a reaction out of her. He’s petty like that.

This could also explain Charlotte Brändström’s words of how Halbrand “really seduced her”, and how much in love with him Galadriel is.

Galadriel heartbreak on 1x08 and Season 2

Galadriel went through all seven stages of grief in Season 2, concerning Halbrand aka Sauron. We saw her crying or on the verge of tears. She was heartbroken, believing she was deceived, and all that she experienced with Halbrand was a lie. And she wanted to kill the motherf*cker, all by herself, until the bitter end. Do you have something to hide there, Gal? She even thrown Elrond under the bus with Adar in 2x06 just to get a chance to do it.

It has been noticed by some fellow fans, that Galadriel would, often, touch her lower stomach whenever having visions from Nenya, and we saw her planting seeds, too. This highly implies fertility. Now, this doesn’t mean she’s actually pregnant, mind you! But it can symbolize previous sexual acts.

It’s also worth mentioning that, in Freudian symbolism, jewels (such as rings) represent a beloved person.

What is Galadriel so afraid of? Wasn’t Halbrand “only a friend”? 

When Sauron appears in 2x08, Galadriel is absolutely terrified, unable to move. She’s not scared of him, per say; she dreads that he might still be on Halbrand form, and she isn't certain on how she would react to that. But he’s in Annatar form, and she doesn’t have any emotional connection to it. Still, she’s only able to attack him when he had his back turned on her. And then, her expression when she sees Halbrand is very telling:

Sauron and Mirdania

Of course the “great deceiver” who manages to “deceive even himself” got himself a Galadriel doppelgänger when he returned to Eregion to put his “rings of power” masterplan in motion. And he only gets touchy with her whenever he thinks of Galadriel.  

He also disposed of Mirdania when Adar arrived at Eregion (with Galadriel herself on a cage).

This whole business with Mirdania is something physical on Sauron’s part, because he sees the resemblance with Galadriel. And the fact that he touches her so tenderly is interesting to say the least, because (1) we’ve seen Sauron hating being touched throughout Season 2 (even by Mirdania herself), and (2) he’s an immortal spirit from the Unseen world (Maia); he doesn’t actually have any of these needs... Unless he's remembering touching Galadriel herself, and his sexual desire for her.

And what's the last injury that Sauron inflicts on Galadriel on their 2x08 fight?

Full-on penetration. And he doesn't go gentle with it, either. And it ends with him literally ejaculating (blood) inside of her (chest), aka blood binding.

This is pretty much what Tolkien wrote in “Unfinished Tales”, except the lover here is Halbrand/Mairon/Sauron, and he wants commitment (marriage).

Galadriel denies him in Season 1, and again in Season 2. And then, he forces them to bind together, all the same. This could also explain why Sauron was so certain she would actually bind herself to him, in spite of all the evil stuff he has done in Eregion. 

And we have this “lovely” description of Sauron during his war with the Elves (which will be Season 3):

Now Sauron's lust and pride increased, until he knew no bounds, and he determined to make himself master of all things in Middle-earth, and to destroy the Elves, and to compass if he might, the downfall of Númenor. He brooked no freedom nor any rivalry, and he named himself Lord of the Earth. A mask he still could wear so that if he wished he might deceive the eyes of Men, seeming to them wise and fair.

Sauron’s lust will know no bounds in Season 3, good to know. He already bore a hole in Galadriel for the rest of him to slither in, so, only Eru knowns what kind of mind palace shenanigans will he be up to… symbolically.

[hollowdeath]

professor potter

pairing: harry james potter x fem!reader AU (18+)

summary: 2 years after the war, harry accepted a position as a substitute professor at hogwarts and recognized you from his years as a student. old feelings come to the surface as you both try to remain professional to keep his position safe.

content warning: slight teacher/student dynamic (they used to be classmates, reader is 18+), mostly slow burn & angst. smut mostly doesn't happen til the end (masturbation, penetration)

word count: 12.5k

a/n: wrote this for fun between working on requests! thank you to everyone who sends them in, they're so good and i'm excited to post more soon! just another fluffy, angsty harry fic taking place in school w a hint of smut...kinda similar to my last one but thats ok ! as always not exactly book/movie/canon accurate i apologize !

it's your first day of your last year at hogwarts, and you're probably the only student here that's not completely thrilled to be back. young witches and wizards running around you in the halls with their robes dragging on the ground, completely in awe with each other at the architecture and moving portraits.

you have to admit, if hogwarts does anything right, it's the ambience. probably the only thing you'll miss after leaving this year is the magic castle itself, particularly the library and your dorm room, which have been your sanctuaries for the past 7 years. there's just no place in the world, even the wizarding world, you've found, that quite compares to hogwarts.

but no, unfortunately, not even the grandiose castle of every young wizard's dream was enough to make you want to stay here even a day longer than you had to. and trust, you were counting down the days.

there was a lot that went into your disdain for the school. after the war in your 5th year, nothing had been the same. sure, the building was restored to its original form and even had some upgrades installed, but the energy within the walls felt so…unsettling.

it had been more than 2 and half years since then, and most students who remember the war well had either graduated or moved on from it. you, however, continued to feel the effects of it every day.

you've had a lot of personal struggles since then mentally, which affects your social life. you've overheard your friends talking about how they don't feel like you're the same person and you inevitably bring them down. it wasn't long after that they stopped talking to you completely. you didn't bother to rekindle the connection; you were ready to leave this place behind anyways, what was the point in faking a friendship for another year?

even without all that, you truly just hated your classes. you actually used to be a scholar student in your day, consistently making the top of the headmaster's list every year until the war. and you still loved headmaster mcgonagall, of course, you don't think that'd ever change, it was mainly the other professors that gave you a hard time. once you showed signs of struggling and burn out, it was like they just completely gave up on you and moved on to the next eager, bright-eyed bushy-tailed 1st year to dote on.

no matter, because again, you were ready to leave for a variety of reasons. even if you had loved your professors and graduated at the top of the class, you still had no friends to celebrate with. and even if you had those so-called "friends" back in your life, you still felt completely alone with them.

and so you laid in bed, the same bed you've had for 7 years now, retracting the ornate trim on the ceiling like you have a million nights before.

you decided to look back at your schedule once more, floating the paper out of its folder in your bag and towards your open hand. you read through it slowly, but nothing had changed. pretty much the worst line up of classes you've had so far. particularly your least anticipated course, defense against the dark arts.

at this point, you'd had more than enough when it came to the dark arts. those death eaters nearly killed you in that war, and actually did manage to kill too many of your classmates and teachers in the process. you saw your second home crumble in front of you, classrooms you grew up in completely leveled and the bridge burned to the ground, so much death and destruction over nothing but power. you resented the dark magic in this world.

sighing, you set the paper down on your bedside table and roll over, attempting to fall asleep. you have plenty of early classes this year and don't look forward to having to wake up with the sun to make it to them on time.

you're wasting time in the bathroom just before your defense against the dark arts, your last class of the day, when your peace is interrupted by a group of girls who come in giggling and talking rapidly amongst each other. from inside your stall you can't help but tune into their gossip. it's the only thing you could hear and, who cares, you could use some good drama.

you tried to dissect their conversation but they were constantly talking over each other, squealing, giggling, and you couldn't understand a thing. after a few moments of craning your neck towards the door to get a better listen, one girl's voice stood out amongst the rest as she asked, "okay, but, who's going to try and flirt with potter first?" her question was followed by many desperate "me!" "me!" "me!"s, a wave of giggling following.

potter. there's no way…

the bells begin ringing, signaling your next class is starting soon, and the girls go rushing out of the bathroom together. you slowly open the stall door and walk to the closest mirror. pale, like you've seen a ghost.

they couldn't possibly be talking about harry potter, right?

just his name had become plenty famous in its own right. the boy who lived; the boy who lived twice. you hadn't heard his name mentioned in a long time, though that's not hard when you've hardly interacted with anyone here in a long time.

you remembered harry from your years before the war that you had shared with him. he was 2 years ahead of you, so it wasn't often you had the chance to speak with him, but he was pretty much as legendary as one student could be at hogwarts. however, whenever you did manage to have a conversation with him, you always thought he was cute. really cute.

okay, so maybe you had a ginormous crush on him your entire time at hogwarts. but so did pretty much every other girl. but you didn't just think he was cute, you admired his gentle nature and timid personality. despite his heroic and outright dangerous adventures, he was always so kind, so humble…

the bells begin ringing again, meaning you're now late to class. "shit." you mutter, grabbing your bag and stumbling through the bathroom door.

you're jogging to your dark arts class with a racing mind, still wondering why those girls would mention potter's name so randomly.

you turn the corner and see the classroom door is already closed. "shit." you mutter again, stomping your foot. now you have to open the heavy doors and draw everyone's attention towards you, quite literally the last thing in the world you want right now.

sighing, you push open one of the doors, making the loudest noises you've ever heard echo throughout the silent classroom. you walk in and, as expected, all eyes are on you.

you grit your teeth and close the door behind you, making your way towards an empty seat in the middle of the room. the silence lingers as your footsteps hit the ground, trying your best not to make eye contact with anyone. you hear a few snickers and whispers coming from behind, and you can already tell it's your old friend group. you roll your eyes, sighing as you drop your weight into the creaky wooden seat.

you hadn't realized, but headmaster mcgonagall was at the front of the room. you noticed once she continued talking, looking up to see her smiling at you. you returned it. you love how she's always liked you despite your grades slipping lately.

you quickly look back down at your hands as people begin to turn away from you, drawing their attention back to mcgonagall as she continues to introduce the class.

"like i was saying, class, we apologize for the change this semester and hope you'll be understanding of us as we navigate this situation carefully. i suspect you'll all be respectful and courteous to our guest as he donates his time to hogwarts and to you, our students."

you look back up, a confused look on your face. what change? what situation? what guest?

it didn't take you long to connect the dots. it's like everything was in slow motion. the girls talking in the bathroom, the guest, the reason all the front rows of seats in class were completely filled with girls…

"please, class, welcome hogwarts' very own, mr. harry james potter."

all at once, your eyes landed on harry, who had been sitting to the side, obscured from your vision by several girls and a pillar. as he walks towards mcgonagall, eager applause erupt from the girls and the boys offer mediocre claps. you're too stunned to react, watching harry intently as he shakes mcgonagall's hand with that same timid smile.

you can hardly believe your eyes. what is going on? why is he here? and how the hell does he look even better now than he did 2 years ago?

"thank you, headmaster mcgonagall," harry says shyly, turning to the students. his eyes immediately fall on you. you try to convince yourself he's looking just in front of you or even past you, but you can feel his stare into your eyes. its the only thing that breaks you out of your shock.

you blink a few times and slump into your seat, feeling your blood run cold at harry's eye contact. he looks down at the desk he's standing at and shuffles a few papers. you sink even lower into your chair. this can't be good.

"uh, well, hello…everyone," harry says awkwardly, earning some flirtatious giggles from the girls just ahead of you. "it's a pleasure to be here, really, despite the circumstances. uh, i'm sure as some of you know…i've been very close with the weasley family for years and feel devastated for bill– uh, professor weasley, that is," harry corrects himself nervously, clearing his throat and glancing at his papers again.

"and when he reached out to me personally, specifically me out of anyone, to teach in his place for this semester, i couldn't say no to him. so, while it's a real honor to be here with you all, please know it's just for this semester and then professor weasley will be back to continue with the lesson plan in the spring," harry explains, looking around the room yet always letting his eyes land on you specifically with a lingering gaze.

harry goes into the schedule for the semester, the skills you'll be learning, and, well, you can't really focus on what else because you're just completely lost in your own head.

harry potter, the harry potter, is your professor for an entire semester.

you were completely dumbfounded. he couldn't hardly be older than 20 years old at this point. he had only left hogwarts just 2 years prior, yet he looked so different. though the glasses and hair stayed relatively the same, he had matured in the face. a slight beard, defined smile lines, and he'd definitely spent some time in the gym…

seeing him in a button up with his old gryffindor tie on drove you mad. is he really getting you worked up in the middle of class by just standing there? you feel like you're 14 again, staring him down in the courtyard from behind a tree.

it doesn't help that you swear he keeps looking at you. specifically you. his gaze is unmistakable at this point, it can't be a coincidence.

you try to stop yourself from having these thoughts and physical reactions. if he's going to be your professor for an entire semester you have to get over this silly crush that was never going to work out anyway. though you're soon turning 19, it makes no difference if he's working with the school, it would never be allowed…

what are you even saying? as if anything would ever happen except in your dreams. all you're going to do is lust for him until christmas and then he'll be gone again, his name nothing but a spoken legend again.

before you can process all he's said, harry announces that everyone's free to leave once you grab a textbook from him. girls are immediately standing up and running to get in line, and the boys are rolling their eyes as they sluggishly follow behind.

you're inevitably the last one, getting a headache as you listen to girls try to ask harry all kinds of questions for a bit of his attention. he mostly just gives simple answers or laughs them off, referring back to the class or the textbook he was handing them in some way to change the subject.

mcgonagall eventually shoos the girls away, which harry thanks her for in a low tone. he hands a book to each of the boys in front of you before it comes down to you. as the boy in front of you is being escorted away by mcgonagall, you briefly catch harry putting the library card of your book inside the front cover before he closes it.

your eyes connect as he hands the book to you, but he doesn't let go. your heart instantly flutters.

"it's nice to see you again, [y/n]," he says softly, letting the weight of the book fall in your hands.

the way he says your name has you frozen in place. his pretty blue eyes have stayed just as mesmerizing. it takes a moment before you're able to wrap the book in your arms, offering him a friendly smile as you softly reply, "you too, harry…"

you're quickly making your way back to your room with the biggest, cheesiest smile plastered on your face. he remembered you. you had barely ever interacted with harry, only a handful of times as far as you could remember, and you were sure he had completely forgotten about you, or at least forgotten your name. you tried to chalk it up to him having access to the attendance records of the class and reading over your name, but you still felt like a giddy school girl skipping along day dreaming about her crush.

when you got back to your dorm, you set the class textbook down on your desk and went to turn around before looking back at it longingly. harry had just put the library card back in the book before handing it off to you. you were most likely crazy, but something inside you was insanely curious to see if he had done something to the card.

you slowly opened the book and took the card out, a blank piece of cardstock except for a fresh label printed at the top. you sigh, almost putting it back before seeing something on the card catch the shimmer of the light.

you give the card a curious look. you turn it in your hands towards the light, trying to see what's on it. before giving up in frustration, a thought comes into your brain.

no…

you dig into your luggage, still unpacked from the day prior, looking for your old ink and quill. once you find them you come back to the card, setting it on your desk as you open the ink pot. you dip your quill in the ink and touch it to the spot you noticed earlier.

as you watched, the ink collected into letters and numbers, forming a message across the dotted lines of the check out columns. you were stunned. harry actually wrote to you in disappearing ink? you thought you were delusional thinking it was a possibility, but here was the proof plain as day:

[y/n],

hagrid's, 8:30pm

harry

you kept rereading the lines over and over before they slowly disappeared, fading away into the paper. you stood back in pure disbelief. what does this mean? obviously it means he wants to meet with you, but for the life of you you just can't figure out why. you two barely knew one another personally, it had been two years since you'd seen or heard of each other again, and now he's secretly inviting you to hagrid's after hours using disappearing ink? as your substitute professor, too…

from 5-8 pm you mainly paced around your room in both lingering disbelief and unbridled excitement. though you had no idea why harry had invited you out in secret, you were anxious just to be in his presence at his request.

you spent forever deciding on your outfit, feeling a bit silly for putting so much effort into this suspicious rendezvous that you were still clueless about.

sneaking out had become somewhat natural to you over the years. you knew all the blind spots of the castle and could hear a prefect coming from a mile away. you were out of your room and walking down to hagrid's completely unnoticed in less than 10 minutes.

on your way down the hill, your mind is racing with possibilities of what this meeting could entail.

arriving at hagrid's hut, you admire the warm glow of the windows and intoxicating smell coming from the smoking chimney – a mix of wood and garlic. hagrid's pumpkins are just beginning to plump up, his yard scattered with overgrown vines.

as you walk up to the door, a wave of anxiety hits you. knocking seems like the most impossible task in the world all of a sudden.

you steady your breathing, let your heart rate slow, and knock before you have the chance to stop yourself.

a few seconds of some rustling can be heard behind the door before it swings open. harry greets you with a warm smile. no longer dressed for class, harry looks quite adorable in a comfy sweater and baggy jeans standing before you in the hut.

"[y/n], you got my message," he says, clearly impressed. you couldn't believe this was real. he really did leave you that note on purpose. just hearing him acknowledge it made your heart race all over again.

"i-i did," you say in shock, searching his expression for an answer to all your questions. why are you here?

harry gestures for you to come in. "well, join me, please," he insists. you politely smile and enter the hut, the smell of food making your mouth water immediately. "smells amazing in here," you comment under your breath.

harry closes the door, looking back at you with a shy smile. "oh, thank you. it's for us, actually." he tells you, nodding his head towards the dining table.

completely set up with a tablecloth, harry has food plated for the two of you on the tiny table, along with tea still steaming on the stove.

"if you don't mind, of course," he checks with you, his voice soft and unsure. you look back at harry, barely able to grasp what's happening before you reply, "of course,"

he suppresses a grin as he gestures to the table once more. "please," he prompts you. you hand him your bag and jacket before taking your seat at the table, admiring the food he prepared for you. you're still lost in thought when harry asks, "tea?" holding the kettle from the stove.

"please, thank you," you reply. he pours you both cups of tea before bringing them to the table with a smile on his face.

as you're eating you notice a record playing in the corner you hadn't heard earlier. it fills the space nicely as you both take your first bites of dinner. "hope you like it, i wasn't sure what to make," he says nervously.

wiping your lips with a napkin, you simply tell him, "it's lovely,"

after another moment or so, harry sits back in his chair. "so…[y/n]..." he sighs. hearing him say your name like that makes your brain fuzzy for just a second before he speaks again. "you're probably, um, wondering why…"

you stifle a laugh at his stalling, getting a hint of confidence as you interrupt him. "wondering why professor potter secretly invited me to have a home cooked dinner with him?"

harry goes still, his eyes searching your expression as a blush grows over his cheeks. he swallows nervously, blinking and shaking his head before attempting to respond. "u-um, yeah, that,"

smirking, enjoying his nerves, you wait for his explanation with your arms crossed and a raised brow. he clears his throat and diverts his eyes from your gaze. he takes a sip of tea before smacking his lips and looking back at you.

"i just, i haven't seen you…" he starts, eyes softening at you. "i-i know we didn't talk much, but…i always cared for you." the last part was hard for harry to get out, a weight lifting off his shoulders in the process.

you were blushing, but more than that you were sweating. this is like something you would dream about as a kid. hell, even just earlier today…

"when i saw you today…in class…" he seemed uncomfortable referencing that. "i just…a lot of memories came back to me," his hands move with him nervously as he speaks.

he sighs and stands up, his body language clearly stressed. you haven't said a word, you simply can't. what could you possibly say?

harry's facing the fireplace, his head in his hands. "look, i just, now that i'm your professor this semester i just think…" he takes a moment to find the words before turning to you. "i had a crush on you. okay? there. god damn it," harry huffs angrily, rolling his head back as he throws his hands down.

"i had a crush on you for like 3 years, it was stupid, and i don't want it to affect my teaching with you. so…i guess i practically set up a fucking date to tell you this, sent hagrid away for the evening for nothing…" he gestures to the table, sighing in defeat.

you're stunned into silence, to say the least. there aren't words to describe what's going on in your head at this moment.

after a moment harry looks back at you, his gaze softening once again. "[y/n]...please understand i wouldn't be telling you any of this unless i thought there was another way i could deal with it. when i saw you today…it was like i was 16 again," a small smile creeps onto his face before he wipes it away.

"and if i didn't tell you now, it's all i would've thought about when i saw you, so…yeah. there." harry says with a huff, avoiding eye contact with you.

before you can even process what's going on, your body reacts for you. you stand up, walking over to harry, getting his attention off the floor. he looks at you almost with fear in his eyes at how close you are. you sigh shakily before speaking.

"harry…u-um, professor potter…" you correct yourself. "please, just, harry…for now at least," harry insisted, his eyes apologetic.

"harry…" you say, suppressing a grin. "you don't have to worry. really…um, it was definitely mutual, to put it lightly…"

harry gives you a surprised look. "really?"

you roll your eyes, taking a step away from him and towards the fire, enjoying the warmth. "harry, you forget who you are sometimes. essentially every girl i knew had a crush on you at one point."

harry's a little flustered at this statement, also taking a step closer to the fire, and towards you. "i-i wouldn't say that, i was definitely not that lucky back in the day," he jokes.

"so those girls that were practically all over you during class today…?" you tease him. "'oh, professor potter, what can i do to get a good grade?'" you mock their voices, giving him puppy dog eyes as you lean towards him before laughing and turning towards the fire. "is that not luck?" you ask with your arms crossed, a smirk hiding your slight jealousy.

harry's silent for a few moments before you look over at him. you see his eyes dark and fixated on you for just a second before he blinks and shakes his head at you, also turning to the fire. "please. they're children. they crush on any slightly older guy they see."

you roll your eyes again at his denial. "some of them were my age, well on their way to being 19. but, whatever you say."

the fire crackles in front of you two, filling the space and creating a warm glow. "besides…none of them are you." harry says. you look over at him, and he's lost staring at the fire. he feels you looking at him and quickly corrects himself. "i mean, nobody was like you, at least to me, back then…" he trails off awkwardly, wincing at his own choice of words.

you adore his nervous antics. he's just the same sweet, timid boy you remember, except he's a bit taller with a 5 o'clock shadow and looks gorgeous in the glow of a fireplace right now.

"i've really mucked this night up, haven't i? i was supposed to tell you about the crush calmly and professionally, with no inappropriate comments, and send you on your way into the night with your first reading in the textbook…" harry sighs, giving you a pathetic look.

"well…" you start. "your first mistake was probably leaving me a secret note, and cooking me a wonderful dinner," you gesture towards the table. harry lets out a pathetic laugh, shaking his head. "yeah, probably."

you don't know why you feel the need to, but you instinctively grab for harry's hand. he gives you a surprised, scared look.

you try to reassure him with a soft smile. "harry, i appreciate you telling me. i hope it can make this semester easier for you."

harry smiles in return, but it's not genuine. he looks like he's holding back from letting you know how he really feels.

regardless, he invited you two to finish up your food, laughing as you both attempted to resume casual conversation without the awkward air.

surprisingly, the two of you naturally begin to talk up a storm, reminiscing on memories and catching up on what's happened since then. harry tells you about his career as an auror and his experiences that lead him to being able to teach defense against the dark arts. when professor weasley's wife had died of sudden illness, the only person he wanted to take his place was harry.

you're hesitant to tell him about your lack of eventful news, practically hiding your face in embarrassment as you admit that your grades have been suffering since the war.

harry put a reassuring hand on your knee, his chair pushed closer to you. you had both long since finished dinner and just talked, enjoying the fire as harry continued to feed it wood every so often.

you looked up at him, melting at how adorable his tired eyes looked through his glasses. "i get it. trust me." he tells you. his voice puts you at ease, and you don't feel quite as embarrassed as before.

"maybe this semester i could help you. if you'd like, of course," harry offers. you smile. "of course."

as you're slowly making your way towards the door to leave, harry watches you search through your bag to find chapstick. as you're putting it on, he continues to watch you. you sneak a glance at him, his face soft and full of admiration.

"you know, if i may say, in the least inappropriate manner possible…" he says with a laugh, causing you to laugh with him. "you have truly only gotten more beautiful after all this time, [y/n]."

looking over at him, you can feel your face form a cheesy grin with blushing cheeks. "well, thank you, that's very kind," you say, putting your chapstick away and taking another step towards the door. "but, really, i should be saying the same about you."

harry waves you away, but you notice the smile planted on his cheeks. "please," he says sarcastically.

he reaches for the door to open it for you, and finds himself rather close to you by accident. you smile up at him, and he nervously steps back.

"u-uh, thank you for coming tonight, really, even if it was a bit weird…" harry says, an embarrassed laugh following. giggling with him, you take a step outside. "it was nice. but, no more invisible ink. just ask me from now on, okay?" you ask, still giggling at him.

harry shakes his head at himself. "will do."

you give him a warm smile before reaching in for a one-arm hug, resting your head on harry's shoulder for just a second before pulling back. "i'll see you tomorrow, professor potter." 

enjoying the shocked and flustered look on his face, you walk away still laughing, making your way up the hill and towards the castle. you heard the door shut behind you quickly after you left, but could feel harry's lingering eyes following you through the window the entire way back.

that night you're laying in bed trying to convince yourself everything that just happened wasn't a dream. if it weren't for your full stomach and muddy shoes sitting by your door you might've convinced yourself it really was all an illusion. rather than dreading the next day of classes, you're actually excited to wake up as it only means you'll see harry sooner.

though you're not sure exactly why. yes you'd had a friendly conversation with him tonight after he admitted his feelings towards you, which still hasn't quite settled in yet…but what happens now? he's still your professor for the next 5 months minimum, and you both know you used to like each other. harry might feel better getting it off his chest, but you were perfectly fine keeping that secret to yourself like you always had. if anything, now it's the only thing you're going to think about every day.

rolling over, you try to fall asleep without thinking about harry too much.

it had been a few weeks since you met with harry that night in hagrid's hut, and things were going…okay, so far.

well, to be completely honest, you had utterly fallen back into your crush on harry harder than you ever had before.

and you tried to stop yourself this time. really, you did. working with harry in class and then stopping by his office at least 3 times a week for his help in other classes was a lot of time to be spending with a professor, and you rather despised just how fast harry made your heart beat or how easily his eyes could distract you.

so you tried your best to convince yourself it was lingering feelings from your past self, even trying to have a crush on other boys in your year to distract your brain. that failed miserably. none of those boys were attractive or interesting on their own, especially in comparison to professor potter…

but you couldn't fool yourself. you still felt the same butterflies seeing harry now like you did in 5th year. when he's talking to you in the quiet of his office, reading your textbook to you, you feel like the only two people in the world. when he fixes your hands to hold the wand properly, or moves your arm for you in the correct pattern to cast a spell, you can't focus for the rest of class. if his eyes linger on you just a bit too long during one of his lectures, a knowing smile growing on his face, you melt in your seat.

there was no denying it. you liked him more now than you ever had before. maybe it's just the sheer amount of time you've spent with him this past month or so, but your feelings for him had never been this strong in the past. there were days where he was quite literally the only thing you thought about, or at least wanted to think about. though you were doing better in your other classes, it was only because of him. you spent barely any outside time putting effort into these classes because, ultimately, you were completely distracted by harry.

and not just the idea of him, but particularly the growing tension you had noticed between you two recently.

you also tried to convince yourself that this was going on in your head. but there were just too many instances of prolonged eye contact, harry sitting a bit too close to you during your tutoring sessions, and lingering hands on your skin that made you question if harry maybe wasn't entirely over his crush either…

not that you tried to make it easy for him. since the semester started, you've been taking some extra time each morning to perfect your hair/makeup, put on your favorite perfumes on days you knew you'd be close to harry, and would even change your outfit completely when going to study with him outside of your school robes to give you a boost of confidence.

not that you needed the boost. lately you could only feel confident in yourself and nothing less. something about learning your life long crush who seemed so unattainable also had feelings for you, and could possibly still, made you feel untouchable. not to mention that any girl you heard talk about him or swoon over him in class just made you laugh to yourself; they had no idea you were with him alone for hours every week goofing off together as he attempted to help you study.

this confidence made its way into other parts of your day outside of harry as well. you were talking more in class, making a few new friends, even going to parties and outings just for the fun of it. you were actually enjoying your time at hogwarts instead of dreading every day. not all because of harry, but it definitely didn't hurt to consider him a friend.

a friend. a professor. an old classmate. a crush. a temporary fixation. your relationship to harry, in your mind, seemed so complicated and sometimes incredibly frustrating. especially when he seemed to flirt with you so subtly. you couldn't stand the, 'is he, isn't he' thoughts. but, at the same time, it just made you more motivated to push the limits to see how he responded.

of course it started with looking good, enjoying his reaction seeing you each day with a small smile and blushing cheeks. then it was making flirtatious jokes and purposefully giving him innocent looks while he rambled about whatever subject to get him flustered and distracted. and, lately, you've stepped it up by wearing shorter and shorter skirts whenever you stop by his office, and have even caught him looking at your legs a number of times when he thinks you're not paying attention.

all this to say, there was definitely tension.

you had to admit you felt a bit guilty, you knew harry valued his position as a substitute professor and was enjoying his time there, and you would feel awful if anything ever happened to cost him this position. he told you about his crush specifically to alleviate it, and your only goal this semester has been to do the opposite.

but, at the same time, you wouldn't act this way if harry didn't also create tension between you two. he also made overtly flirty jokes and comments, even seeming a tad bit jealous whenever you mentioned another boy during your time together. and you weren't stupid, you could tell when he wore the cologne you complimented one time when you were around or had even changed from his school clothes before you came to see him. there was definitely something unspoken going on between the two of you, but you were both afraid of crossing that line and making things complicated. besides, if anything, you both seemed to enjoy this game you were playing of teasing each other in private and then acting normally during class as student and teacher.

honestly, you found it to be insanely erotic, and were more turned on in class than any other time you were with harry due to the secretive nature of everything. his longing gaze as you walk in, his nervous glances towards specifically you, the shift in his voice from talking to one student to talking to you, it was all so subtle yet in plain view. something about wanting what you can't have only made you want it more.

on this particular day, you had been with harry for over two hours studying for an exam for a class you had been struggling with all semester, even with harry's help. you were frustrated, laying your head in your arms with your textbook in front of you, groaning as harry chuckled at you. 

"c'mon, [y/n], you've got this. i mean, you did just fine on this last practice test, better than you have all semester really," harry comments, pulling the paper out of your folder. you lift your head up, giving him a mean look. "i got a 75. barely." you deadpan.

"yes, and that's better than what you have been getting." harry stated, trying to hide a smirk. you throw a crumpled up paper at him. "stop, that's not funny," you whine, also trying to hide your laugh.

chuckling, harry stands up and walks towards the bookshelf in his office. "look, i'm just trying to be encouraging here," he says over his shoulder as he scans the rows of books.

you try to get back to your work, but you're just so utterly confused and upset that you close the book with a huff and lean back in your seat with an exasperated expression. harry hears this and turns to you, giving you a sympathetic smile.

he walks back over, picking up the book in front of you and setting it in your bag. "here, we can be done for today. it's not good to push yourself past your limit."

you sigh as you push back the urge to tear up. "sometimes i just feel so stupid," you say in a soft, despondent voice, staring off into the window across from harry's desk.

harry's watching you intently, and nearly drops to his knees as he crouches beside your chair and catches your eyes in his. "hey, you're not stupid. quite the opposite, actually." he says with a genuine voice. you look away, still not believing him.

"really, [y/n], and i'm not saying this as your professor. back in school i was constantly listening to hermione go on and on about your intelligence and class rank. she was incredibly impressed and slightly envious that someone 2 years below her was actually providing some competition at this school." harry says with a laugh.

you can't help but blush like crazy at this confession. hermione had been your academic inspiration for all of your time at hogwarts, and even still now despite your declining lack of effort. you'd had quite a few conversations with her in the past about classes and certain books or authors you both enjoyed, but had no idea she thought that highly of you.

mulling over this information in your head, harry continued to grab your attention with a soft smile and loving eyes. "you're not stupid. different things are harder for different people. you'll get there, and i'll help you. okay?" he asks.

you smile back at him. "okay."

slowly packing up to leave, you and harry both take your time to gather your supplies as you chat about your respective plans for the weekend. you casually mention a party you were thinking of going to. harry perks up at this. "a party?" he asks, a twinge of concern laced in his voice.

you give him a look. "yeah, ever heard of it?" you ask sarcastically, laughing to yourself. "i guess it's one of the slytherin boys' birthdays, or something like that," you wave off, throwing your bag over your shoulder. "apparently it's going to be massive,"

harry continues looking at you with a hint of concern. "well, just…be safe, yeah?" harry comments, his voice uneasy. you laugh at him again, looking at him incredulously. "yes, professor potter, i'll be careful," you tease him. you know harry gets a little squirmy when you call him that outside of class, and it never fails to make you feel powerful.

"besides, i heard the theme is dress to impress, so you already know i'm gonna look so good," you joke, flipping your hair dramatically. harry's tenseness breaks, letting out a chuckle. "well, still. just…be safe." is all he manages to say as you walk with him to the door.

saying your goodbyes as you separate down the hall, you can still feel harry's eyes on you until you disappear around the corner.

the night of the party, you were still unsure if you wanted to go. when a couple girls from class saw you and asked if you were going, they ended up convincing you to come with them. so, you got changed into a flashy dress that fit you well, fixed up your hair and makeup a bit, and met them in the courtyard to walk to the slytherin common room together. they obsessively commented on your outfit, telling you just how good you looked and letting you know you'd have no problem finding a guy to snog tonight.

but, you don't want any guy tonight. if anything, you were walking slowly through the hallways hoping by some chance that harry would cross your path and see just how good you looked. but you knew you weren't that lucky.

upon arriving at the party, drinks are immediately pushed into your and your friends' hands. they were right about the party being massive, as every square foot of the slytherin common room was packed with slightly tipsy students of all ages dancing to the loud music. you had barely finished your first drink before your friends dragged you over to do shots with them, wincing at the burn it left in your throat afterwards.

as the night goes on, you're eventually separated from all the girls you came with. not on purpose, some of them were playing drinking games, some were dancing, and one had even left the party with a guy she was completely into. no hard feelings, everyone was just doing their own thing. you had a few shouting-over-the-music conversations with a couple classmates and drank another cup of the mysterious alcoholic punch being served before deciding to head back to your room. you informed one of your friends, who asked if you wanted her to come with you, but you insisted she stay.

entering the hallway is extremely sobering. the loud music and colorful lights made it easy to ignore the growing drunken sensation, but you were now nervously navigating the halls of hogwarts, slightly intoxicated, attempting to warm yourself up with your hands over your arms. you hadn't even thought to bring a jacket, of course, so you were shivering as you made your way back to your room.

not long after leaving the party, you turn the corner and come face to face with another person. a boy a year under you, though you couldn't remember his name or anything else about him. you're a bit startled, not expecting to see anyone else, but politely apologize and attempt to walk around him.

"hey. you were at the party, right?" he asks, stepping in front of you to prevent you from leaving. you're slightly annoyed by him already, but your intoxicated state makes you bite your tongue. "yeah, just on my way back to my room," you try to end the conversation there, taking another step to get around him.

but he gets in your way again, stepping even closer to you this time. "what's the rush? y'know you had every guy talkin' in there tonight? sure would be nice to take home the prize," he slurs into your face, your nose scrunching at his alcoholic breath. god, this kid's way more wasted than you.

"excuse me?" you scoff, turning your face away from him. he tries to put his hand on your waist but you slap it away as hard as you can, causing him to wince and give you an angry look. "i suggest you leave me the fuck alone," you announce firmly, stancing your feet apart as you get ready to defend yourself further.

just as this guy's about to try again, this time his hands going for your neck, a voice from down the hall echoes loudly, scaring you both. "hey!"

you both turn, and it's harry.

"i would further suggest you leave her alone, mr. williams," he announces as he swiftly walks towards you. the kid laughs him off. "mind your business, huh, potter? this doesn't involve you," he continues to slur, looking like he wants to fight as harry walks up to him, chest to chest.

"it does now. leave and you'll be lucky i don't have you expelled or rather arrested for sexually assaulting a fellow student on campus grounds after hours, while intoxicated might i add," harry spits at him, his eyes full of disgust and rage.

the kid falters a bit, but the alcohol still has him acting cocky, getting in harry's face. "yeah? or what," he asks daringly.

you get between them and put your wand, hidden in your dress, against the kid's throat, making him stiff with wide eyes. "touch him and i will gladly get expelled for hurting you in ways you couldn't even conceive of in your fucking nightmares. do you understand? get the fuck out of here!" you nearly shout at the kid, causing him to turn and run.

you sigh a breath of relief, but quickly begin to feel the anxiety return as you bring your wand down and look at harry.

you can feel your body shaking with anger and fear, and also shivering from how cold you hadn't realized you'd gotten. your cheeks were flushed, your breathing uneven, and nearly on the verge of tears. harry's eyes were still angry, but he gave you a sympathetic look. he promptly took off his jacket and wrapped it around your shivering frame, enveloping you in a hug in the process. it's hard not to let the tears flow just a bit as you rest your head in his chest. you felt so vulnerable with him in that moment.

"here, let's get you back to your room, yeah?" harry says softly, turning your shoulders and guiding you down the hall. you realize you had sobered up during the ordeal, your eyes focusing and walking straightening out as you follow the corridors. once harry begins guiding you down your hallway, you slow to look up at him with a curious expression.

"how do you know where my room is?"

harry's a bit stunned by your question, searching for an answer before you began to think more. "and, wait," you stop walking and turn to him. "how did you even find me?" you ask breathlessly. harry continues to look guilty as he searches for an answer. smirking, you pull his jacket on you closer.

"professor potter, if i didn't know better, i'd say you were watching me tonight," you tease him in a flirty voice. "surely that's not the case, is it?"

harry looks around you two nervously, clearly starting to feel anxious for his actions. all you could do was smirk. you knew he still liked you.

harry sighs, avoiding your eye contact with a completely red face. "look, i just had a bad feeling about that party, okay?" he says simply. you continue to stare at him with a knowing look. "i couldn't sleep tonight knowing something could've happened to you. something like that fucking kid…" harry gets worked up just thinking about it again before stopping himself and calming down. "i'm sorry. it was wrong of me, and completely inappropriate."

your smirk drops into a soft smile. you can't help but feel your stomach erupt into butterflies hearing him admit he was watching you tonight specifically to make sure you were safe.

you softly put your hand to his cheek, causing him to look at you. he looks apologetic, concerned, and sad, his eyes searching yours as he slightly leans into your touch.

"thank you, harry." you say just above a whisper, your voice genuine and loving.

he sighs again, a bit relieved, a bit sad. his hand goes for yours, holding it for just a moment before he gives it back to you, letting go as he looks towards your door.

"well," he starts off, his voice cracking. "i'll leave you here for the night,"

smiling, you nod and take a step towards your door. you slip his jacket off of you and hand it back to him with a grateful, warm smile. he returns the smile as you're opening your door and waving goodbye at him.

as you're getting ready for bed, you replay the events of tonight over and over. you imagine harry watching you leave your room without you having any clue, meeting up with your friends, leaving the party in a daze, attempting to escape that guy before harry decided he had to step in and protect you.

you felt a bit silly for ever thinking harry's crush on you had stopped. even his subtle clues weren't very subtle thinking back now. maybe back in year 5 you assumed you were crazy for thinking he was looking at you funny, but now, nearing 3 years later, and learning he's liked you the whole time, you couldn't deny his longing gaze.

laying in bed, you decided you had to properly thank harry in some way for tonight, and you knew exactly how.

the next day, you paid a special visit to diagon alley with a friend to buy something special for harry. when she asked why you would ever possibly buy something like that for yourself, you make up some story about needing it for a class. she doesn't believe you, but goes along with it anyway and continues to have fun with you on your sunday out shopping.

you head towards his office in the afternoon when he usually spends his time grading assignments and working on the following week's lesson plan. you practically had his schedule memorized after coming to study with him so often.

softly knocking on the door, harry lets out a, "come in,"

you enter the office and he smiles at you immediately before it falters, his eyes then landing on the wrapped box in your hands. "surprise," you say with a shy voice.

he lets out a huff, looking back at you with a disbelieving expression. "[y/n]..." he carries off.

"it's just a little something," you say as you walk towards his desk, setting it down carefully in front of him. "a thank you, for last night," you tell him.

his eyes move back and forth from the box to your eyes, not knowing what to say. a few moments pass before he stands. "[y/n], i can't accept this…" he sighs. "what i did last night, i mean…it shouldn't have happened that way," he says curtly.

you tilt your head to catch his gaze, giving him a warm smile. "you did nothing wrong," you reassure him. you gesture to the gift. "please," you insist.

harry's shoulders relax, giving you an embarrassed smile as he slides the box closer to him, admiring the wrapping. "this is gorgeous, did you do this?" he asks, pointing at the sparkly ribbon and personalized name card. you proudly smile and nod your head.

harry admires it for another moment before carefully untying the ribbon and lifting the lid off the box. he gasps at what he sees.

a signed, hardcover, gold leaf detailed first edition defense against the dark arts textbook from his favorite auror. he had talked to you about seeing it at the bookshop but not wanting to spend the money or not having the place to display it or whatever his excuse was. you had taken note of this comment and when you saw it wasn't as expensive as harry had made it seem you knew it was perfect.

"[y/n]...you didn't…" he utters, practically falling back in his chair as he continues to stare at the cover. you giggle fondly at his reaction. "go ahead, open it up," you tell him excitedly. he can hardly move, but he eventually takes the book out of the box and admires it in his hands. he flips the cover open, sees the signature, and smiles. then, he looks at the inside of the cover and his expression drops.

"i had it personalized, if that's okay with you," you ask anxiously. on the inside of the leather bound cover you had a pressing engraved that said 'harry james potter'.

harry's in shock, his fingers running across the pressing softly. "[y/n], this is…" he trails off, continuing to admire the book as he flips through it, landing back on the inside cover, admiring his name once more.

"thank you." harry says, looking at you with so much love in his eyes it makes your heart burst. it was worth every penny seeing him in awe in front of you like this.

"well, thank you," you respond, smiling, holding your arms behind your back.

harry abruptly stands up, stepping around his desk and pulling you in for a desperate hug. you're a bit surprised, your arms wrapping around his waist as he continues to pull you closer and closer.

after a minute or so of the most comforting hug you've experienced outside of last night in that hallway, harry separates from you only slightly to look down at you. your faces are close enough to feel the breath of the other person.

you just want to tell him, 'fuck it, who cares, nobody's here, just kiss me, please, release this tension', but before you can even consider it, harry breaks the silence.

"i still love you," he says so softly, his face wincing as the words fall from his lips. your breath hitches. love?

"fuck," harry mutters, almost stepping away from you until you pull him closer to you, putting your lips close enough to his they're nearly touching. "please. kiss me. just kiss me. please." you practically beg, your hand finding its way to harry's neck.

"[y/n], we can't, i can't–" "just once, please, maybe it'll stop if we just, please…" you interrupt him, hoping he understands what you're implying, your noses rubbing together.

harry takes a few moments before practically whimpering as he connects your lips to his, wrapping you in his arms tightly. you immediately melt into him, letting the kiss consume you as your hands pull harry closer to you.

it only takes a few seconds before harry has you up on his desk, his hands gripping your ass under your skirt. the cold of the wood on your exposed skin makes you gasp, and harry's tongue quickly slips past your lips.

it's everything you imagined, and the fact that this is happening in his office is just making you even more turned on. you had played this scenario in your head so many times, and it hardly felt real once it was actually happening. and on the desk you spent so many hours at, pining over him and fantasizing him taking you like he is right now.

after a few minutes of making out and needy groping through your clothes, harry pulls away breathlessly. opening your eyes you see he's completely flushed, his hair slightly messy as he nervously takes his hands off you.

you awkwardly clear your throat, your hands falling to your sides and resting back on the desk. harry takes a step away, straightening his tie and fixing his hair. you hop off his desk and adjust your skirt.

the silence between you is awkward, but there's just nothing to say. the kiss only left you wanting more, of course, it was pointless to ever hope it would quell your feelings in some way.

"well," harry begins, his voice shaky and quiet. "that didn't work."

you let out a nervous laugh, coughing to cover it up. "yeah…sorry." you mumble.

harry sighs. "no, i'm sorry. i'm technically your superior, i shouldn't be doing this to you. leading you on, flirting with you, for fuck's sake, following you around after hours…"

you shake your head. "look, i'm not kissing professor potter, okay? i like you, harry. i've liked you since i was 13. i don't want to ruin your position here either, and i'll stop if that's what you truly want…" you choke up just a bit before swallowing it back. "but, just, please, stop blaming yourself. i want this, too."

the silence returns, harry clearly thinking over what you said as his eyes stare off beside you. you're anxiously shifting your weight, watching his face get lost in his own thoughts.

"i can't risk this job," harry says finally. "i don't give a shit about the money, pay me everything in the world i would still want you…" he mumbles. you feel your stomach drop at this sentiment. you want him so, so badly. but… 

"but…" harry says.

you smile at him sadly, knowing what's coming. "i can't let down bill, or mcgonagall, or any professors or students here who may actually still like me," he says with a dry laugh. "if we ever got caught, and i just know we would, and what would happen to you…i just–" "i know, harry," you interrupt him, taking a small step towards him.

he smiles at you sadly as well. "and i agree. it's not worth it. well, you're worth it, of course…" you say shyly, diverting your gaze before continuing. "but, it's too risky. you deserve to finish out this semester without that hanging over your head, y'know?"

harry stares at you lovingly, no attempt to hide his adoration for you in this moment. "you're truly incredible. you know that?" harry comments softly.

you respond by blushing and crossing your arms. he hums softly, his smile taking over his cheeks. "thank you, really, for everything, if things were any different, i wish…" harry stumbles. you smile at him again. "i know."

harry returns to his gift, admiring the book in his hands over and over before putting it on the bookshelf next to his desk. he admires it there for a while as well before thanking you again.

as you're getting ready to leave, harry stops you for a moment. "if you don't mind, i'd still love to help you in your other classes. and, just, remain friendly in general still, if possible…"

you melt again at his soft demeanor. harry's such a sweetheart it's heartbreaking. all you want is to kiss him again. it's all you've wanted since he stopped.

"of course."

it's the end of the semester, and you have mixed feelings about it. on one hand you're dying for a break from classes. you've done the best you have in years this semester, and it's exhausted you. but you're incredibly grateful, for a lot of things. your new friends, your rediscovered love for hogwarts and magic in general, your overall improved attitude and mentality.

with special thanks to a certain substitute professor…

harry. this semester was definitely a rollercoaster for you when it came to harry. though, towards the end, things fell into place a bit more as you both accepted and embraced your odd, yet effective routine. professional student-professor relationship in public; smitten, teasingly love-sick old classmates in the comfort of his office walls. nothing further than lingering hands, loving stares, and the occasional compliment towing the line of what's inappropriate and what isn't.

though the dynamic wasn't ideal, you grew to love it for what it was. a simple, longing love that wasn't exactly unspoken anymore, but sure felt like it each passing day as you both pretended that kiss never happened.

that kiss. you swear you think about it every day. you long for harry to grab you like that again, to slip his tongue past your lips again…sometimes, late at night, it's all you can think about. sometimes just the thought of it makes you need to touch yourself, remembering how desperate he was for you, the feeling of his lips on yours, sitting on his desk in his office, just the image of it from outside of your own perspective could bring you to your orgasm alone in your room.

to say you were anxiously counting down the days until classes were over and harry technically wasn't employed with hogwarts anymore was an understatement. though you hadn't spoken about it with him, you felt it was okay to maybe consider that he would want to continue things further with you once his substitution was over. you kept your guard up as you knew he could still be uncomfortable with it while you were a student in general. but a large portion of you was practically praying that wasn't the case. you physically couldn't resist him much longer.

you were staying on campus for christmas this year, mostly just to savor your last holiday here, but also to continue seeing harry if possible.

it was the last day of classes, and you learned you passed all your exams with flying colors. you showed up to dark arts class early to inform harry excitedly, and he congratulated you with the same level of excitement.

"i knew you could do it! i told you you were smart." he beams. "i am so, so proud of you, [y/n]."

you want to hug him so badly, he's helped you so much this semester, you wouldn't have cared enough to try and get these kinds of grades without his guidance. but it's too public, and the risk is too high, so you just settle on an awkward high five and laugh emptily.

as other students walk in, you both pretend the moment never happened, and you sit in your seat without looking up from the floor.

the class is simple and rather uneventful as it's mostly everyone's last class of the semester. harry actually hands out christmas cookies hagrid made for everyone, and they're mediocre in taste, but the designs are so adorable you can't resist finishing it.

harry gives you all a speech thanking the class for trusting him to teach this semester, and for being respectful of him and professor weasley's lessons. he talks about how he's always thought about being a professor, but actually ended up despising the paperwork, and just missed his old job, which caused the class to chuckle with him.

he dismissed everyone with a happy christmas, specifically towards you, of course.

your heart aches a little as you leave the classroom and head to your room. you're going to miss harry as a professor, even if it caused complications in other aspects, it was inspiring to see him be so intelligent, helpful, and supportive in class. of course you were biased, you always found him to be amazing, but something about watching him teach a young wizard how to do a spell correctly for the first time just made you admire him so deeply.

you decided to rest for the night, knowing harry would be here for at least another day to collect all his items and clean the classroom up for professor weasley. you could talk to him then, what exactly about you weren't sure just yet, but you knew you had to tie up these loose ends before they drove you mad.

the next afternoon, you're practically one of the only students roaming the halls. most everyone leaves the first day of break to go home, and by christmas there's only a handful of students left.

arriving at harry's office door, you admire it one last time. your little sanctuary away from the world.

you knock, but to your dismay, there's no answer.

you knock again, a bit louder, but still, nothing. you decide to peak in, and notice how barren the desk looks from afar.

fuck. there's no way harry's left without speaking to you first.

you quickly walk to the dark arts classroom just down the hall, hoping he's cleaning and organizing it, but find it empty and dark. your heart sinks. he's gone.

you slowly walk back to your room, deciding you'll grab your coat and visit hagrid to see if harry's with him there. you try not to let your disappointment overcome you, there's still a chance you could talk to him…

entering your room, you immediately head for your coat rack by the window. you start to slip it on when you hear your door close, knowing you left it open on purpose to quickly leave.

you turn around, and it's harry.

you gasp, immediately dropping the coat and running to him, jumping into a hug. he laughs at your reaction, but embraces you nonetheless.

"hi, love," he says softly, resting his head on top of yours. you could hardly contain yourself at the pet name. it communicated so much to you with so little effort.

you look up at him, barely able to believe what's happening. harry looks at you knowingly. this unspoken tension. it was going to be the death of you.

as harry begins leaning in, you crash your lips together with his, immediately engulfing him into a heated, wanting, needing kiss.

harry's more than happy to give in to you. it's clear he's thought about this just as much as you have. he finished all his professor duties as soon as he could so he could officially, finally, be yours.

you guide harry to your bed, pushing him onto it as he gives you an impressed look, clearly intrigued by your repressed desperation.

you crawl onto his lap, immediately pulling him back into the kiss. harry's hands are all over you, finally, after fantasizing about it every night in this very same bed for months.

the kiss is desperate, full of moaning and getting sloppier by the minute. harry's squeezing and slapping your ass so hard you whimper in his arms, your hands gripping his button up tightly.

"fuck, [y/n], need you so bad, please," harry moans into your kiss, his hands sliding up your back. you reach to take your shirt off, left in just a bra and tiny skirt, as you start untying his tie and unbuttoning his shirt.

harry's staring at you with hunger in his eyes. "do you even understand how badly i've wanted you? you and these fucking skirts, you must think i'm stupid." he growls, pulling at the hem of your skirt. you blush and stifle a giggle, overwhelmed with how insanely hot you found this to be.

"think that's funny? you think it was funny when i had to stand in class all day and not stare at your perfect legs through your robe? anytime i gave a lecture and just looking at you turned you into a needy slut," harry grabs your hair, turning your attention to him as he unbuttons the rest of his shirt with his other hand. "was that fun for you, hm? did you enjoy teasing me all semester?"

you can't say anything. all you can do is nod. you were so turned on you could hardly think straight.

"i bet it was," he says, examining your desperate expression, his words dripping with desire.

he pulls you in for another kiss, and you help him take off his shirt. his skin was warm, soft, and his shoulders were broad. you moved your lips to his neck, leaving an obvious bite just below his collar to finally mark what was yours.

harry groans, his hands reaching behind your back to swiftly undo your bra. he helps pull it off of you, marveling at your chest. "beautiful," he tells you before attaching his lips to your skin. you hold his head against you, savoring the feeling and sight of harry leaving hickeys along the soft skin of your boobs.

his hand cups one softly as his tongue circles your nipple, watching you through his glasses as you melt into his hands. "harry…" you moan, your hand running through his soft hair.

he continues, starting to suck on your nipple softly with closed eyes, his other hand pulling up your skirt to feel your wetness through your panties.

you immediately whimper and lean into harry's touch, desperate for this for so long. "f-fuck," you stutter breathlessly.

harry smiles, taking his lips off of you to look up at your blushing face. "so wet already," he smirks.

you cover his face with your hands, embarrassed, giggling, continuing to further lean into his hand for pleasure.

he laughs and removes your hands, his eyes full of lust just looking at you in his lap.

"i need you, now," he insists, pushing you further onto his growing erection through his slacks. you let out a breathy moan feeling just how hard he is already. he's just as desperate as you've been for him.

"is that okay?" he asks carefully, watching for your reaction. you laugh a bit. "please. i've waited long enough." you joke.

you help harry take his pants and boxers off, as well as your skirt and panties, leaving you both naked in your room.

he sat back down on the bed, and invited you into his lap again. "just like this is perfect," he says, guiding your hips and admiring your body as you sit with his cock between you two, your eyes barely able to look away from it.

harry pulls you in for a kiss, his hands traveling over your body and stopping at your pussy again, his hand feeling just how wet you are. he moans into your kiss along with you and begins to slip his fingers inside of you, slowly, letting you react to him.

harry pushes further and further into you until you're practically riding his hand, your kiss barely kept together with you bouncing, desperate for more. "please," you insist, your hand gently grasping for his precum soaked cock.

harry smiles, gently pulling his fingers away before letting you guide yourself onto him. slowly at first, you enjoy the feeling of harry's cock stretching you open, whimpering as he watches you intently, his hands supporting your hips. eventually you feel yourself take him completely, your hips flush with his as you start to slowly grind your hips up and down.

harry's a mess, barely able to hold himself together just watching you adjust to his cock. your face twisting in pleasure, your soft whimpers, the tight feeling of your pussy squeezing around him, it was almost too much already.

"fuck, baby," harry's moaning, his hands gripping your hips for sanity. you can't help but giggle, you just love seeing him like this for you after dreaming about it for so long. he's so lost in pleasure already, his jaw slack and eyes dropping.

"i-i'm already, fuck [y/n], you're just so," harry can barely get the words out. hearing him moan your name so filthily motivated you to move your hips quicker, letting your tits bounce in his face as you continued to pick up speed.

"fuck, fuck, fuck," harry's panicking, you can tell he's already trying to hold back his orgasm. you find it extremely hot just how quickly you can bring him to this point. so hot it brings you closer to your orgasm with him, putting your hands on his face to look up at you.

"you feel so fucking good, harry," you tell him, your head rolling back in pleasure. he's in awe of you, his eyes memorizing every single inch of you as you continue to ride him.

"please, please, can you, um…" he takes a second between his words to moan. "please, can you call me professor potter…" he asks, clearly embarrassed by the request.

you rub his blushing cheeks between your hands, his question only making you more turned on. you loved knowing he was just as into the teacher/student dynamic as you had been.

"your cock feels so…so fucking good inside of me, professor potter," you moan, resting your forehead against harry's as you slow your pace, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of him.

harry's eyes roll back, sinful moans escaping his lips as his head falls forward, watching you ride him slowly as he begins slightly thrusting up into you. he looks back up at your eyes, exasperated. "i'm gonna cum if you don't stop," he quietly warns you, clearly feeling a bit guilty at his eagerness.

you smile. "please, please cum for me professor. i've been such a good girl for you this semester, haven't i?" you tease him. 

harry groans pathetically. "so, so good," his eyes are closed, his face twisting with each thrust. "then cum for me, please, give it to me," you beg him, your hands gripping his shoulders as you feel your stomach tensing from your own orgasm.

harry's eyes pop open, his gaze on you softening as his hands find your waist, gripping onto you desperately. "[y/n]..." he moans your name again, and you can feel yourself tipping over the edge. your pace becomes a bit slower as your legs start shaking.

harry moans as he starts to spill inside of you, the warm sensation fueling your orgasm as you both hold onto each other tightly, riding out your highs together.

after a few moments of slow grinding and weak kissing, you carefully stand up from your position on harry's lap. you guide him to your bathroom, where you help each other clean up, with a few more inevitable kisses and longing hugs along the way.

you get dressed into different clothes, and offer harry some as well. he declines, instead putting his clothes back on as he tells you he has to bring all his supplies back to his house.

you help him button his shirt back up and tie his tie before pushing yourself to ask the dreaded question you didn't want to know the answer to.

"so," you say softly. "what now?"

harry looks down at you lovingly, but he isn't quite smiling. "well, i'm no longer employed here," he states. you nod your head slowly, allowing him to continue.

"so, while it's not technically wrong, i'd still like to try and take this off campus, if possible," harry chuckles.

you give him a surprised look. "you want to see me again?" you ask quietly. harry can't help but laugh at you, kissing your forehead as he holds your cheek.

"you have no idea," is all he says before he leans in for another kiss, holding you close, knowing you're finally his.

[binniebakery]

lights off

College AU Bestfriend!Beomgyu x Gn!Reader .. not exactly fluff! kinda suggestive? ♡ Warnings: thunder? rain? ig being in the dark? my first time writing kissing .. my first time actually writing ANYTHING so it might be bad im so sorry guys ♡ A/N: this is my first little fic (if you could call it that)! i literally hate it but i think i got the point across LOLL regardless i hope someone will enjoy please lmk what you think <3 lowercase intended + not proofread ~

7:32 pm. sighing softly, you placed your phone that was softly playing your favorite tunes back down on the small table over your lap. you tapped your pencil on the table in frustration as you once again for the fifth time readjusted your legs on the bed of your best friend's bedroom. time was going by excruciatingly slow and it didnt help that this math problem was taking you a million years to solve. the sun had already set outside and heading back to your dorm seemed less favorable by the minute. hearing a soft shuffle from the other side of the room you looked up at your best friend. rain began to patter outside. looks like you'll be staying for longer than you intended. beomgyu, who had his deep-colored headphones on was moving his head to the music as he wrote down notes from his study guide. his hair softly wrapped around his features most attractively. you began to mentally trace the lines of his nose, his eyes… his lips.. the dim lighting of the room adding more charm to his aura. "y/n..? are you okay? i could feel you burning holes into my head." beomgyu said as he shook off his headphones to fully put his attention was on you. snapped out of your daze, you mentally kicked yourself as you felt embarrassment creep onto your cheeks. how long had you been staring at him for..? "sorry gyu. if i was staring i didnt mean to" you softly laughed, trying to seem nonchalant and cool about the situation. beomgyu, seeing your embarrassment, chuckled at your reaction. "youre okay, i know you look at me because im cute" he grinned and you rolled your eyes. "oh shut up! you know i was daydreaming. i cant focus on this assignment anyways, its too hard. i think im gonna just finish it tomorrow." you smiled as you threw a pillow at him. he was always cheeky when he had the opportunity. anything to see you react. "daydreaming? so you do think im cute?" he grinned wider after recovering from your pillow attack. you huffed and placed the table that was on your lap onto the ground. "you know youre so-.. ugh and what if i do think you're cute?! what would you even do about it, huh?" you retaliated as you sat on the edge of his bed, now fully facing him. you faked a pout as you were feeling a bit bolder than usual today. your homework giving you enough pent-up rage to have the energy to give in to his bickering.

"okay well i dont know how much truth there is to that but if you really meant that id probably kiss you." your eyes widened at his response. you see beomgyu's face turn into an unreadable expression. he hadnt realized you were only half joking and fully meant the compliment, but it was too late and by the time he caught wind that you were actually flustered he felt his stomach flip. even he was shocked by his own words. he slipped. had he said too much? after a few seconds of silence that felt like minutes. the rain outside seemed to get louder. his eyes finally met yours and you looked away. you felt your heart pounding at the thought of you saying too much. both of you overthinking the situation and awkwardness that you both never have had before taking place. you and beomgyu have never had an awkward moment like this. normally you both laugh things off but this time felt different. "you trust me right?" his voice sounded sincere. this tone was rare for you to hear from him but you knew immediately he was being genuine with his question. "h- huh? yeah of course.. why?" you responded. "okay well.." you noticed beomgyu was now fiddling with his headphones, it seemed like he was turning all the gears in his head to get out what he wanted to say. "y/n.. theres a chance you may have not been telling the truth but if you were- look regardless if you meant it, i meant what i said." you could feel your stomach turning. he hardly flirted with you but when he did it always felt different from his usual teasing. you never said anything though, in fear of ruining your friendship. yet you always thought about what it would be like if he also returned the feelings you felt.

the room's atmosphere seemed to change. suddenly you were both hyper-aware of his neon led light being the only source of light aside from his computer. your playlist had stopped and the silence felt unbearable. in one swift move, he stood up, and turned off the led light on his wall.

the room was a lot darker now, his computer screen's light being the only way of telling you what he was going to do next. you watched as he plopped down next to you. he was so close that you could see the slight tinge of pink on his ears. your senses began to be filled with the light scent of his cologne. "i.. look- the only way i can say or do this is if the lights are off- im not trying to be weird its just you make me so nervous.. i cant look at you." he mumbled as he looked at your hands resting on your lap. it was so dark and both your hearts were racing. "gyu.. " was all you could muster with his hands now softly on yours.

"can i…" beomgyu began as he leaned in closer, only centimeters away from your face. his eyes staring intently into yours. he had this look of pure admiration, nervousness and love. it was all too surreal. realizing what he was asking, you silently nodded as you stared at his lips. he pressed his forehead on yours, the thick tension in the air causing your body to tingle in anticipation. as you felt his hair softly tickle your features from him leaning in, your lips connected. he kissed you oh so softly as he held your cheek gently. your hands, as if moving on their own, were softly placed on his arms. his lips softly moving along your own. he was patient. it felt as if he was waiting for you to respond, unsure if what he was doing was okay with you. you moved your head to the side slightly to deepen the kiss, causing him to sigh. it was all he needed to know you felt the same. his hands moved to your waist as you settled your fingers into his long hair. softly pushing him towards you to intensify the kiss. all that could be heard was the rain outside aside from the soft exchange of sighs and hands roaming. "ive liked you for so long.. you have no idea.." he began between kisses. it was all passionate, slow, and tender as if he was handling you like glass. his hands pulled your waist impossibly closer to his. he separated first, leaving you craving for more. "trust me, i liked you so much i was so scared you didnt feel the same way despite you teasing me the way you did." you chuckled as you pecked his cheek. "you drive me insane.." he softly spoke. "y/n, every time i tried to say something.. my brain just went to mush.. its so bad i swear. i could only be this confident with the lights off.." beomgyu laughed as his eyes began to trail your facial features. he was admiring every curve and feature, and at that point, both your faces were impossibly red. "gyu.. can you just.. kiss me again..?" your voice came out hardly a whisper. "i like you so much i feel like im going insane from the way you just confessed." he smiled fondly at your words and nodded, leaning in once again. as soon as your lips touched you could both practically feel the electricity pouring through your bodies. as if on cue, thunder struck the moment you connected again. your arms wrapped impossibly tight around him, slightly tugging and playing with his hair. his arms remained at your waist, slightly circling over the shirt you wore. you could feel the warmth of his fingers through the fabric.

his tongue slightly swiped along your lips for permission, and you parted your lips in response. having his tongue explore your mouth had your brain going numb. time felt like it had stopped, with just the rain as your only witness to the quiet whispers and confessions that only you two could hear. when you both finally were running out of breath, you separated with beomgyu looking into your eyes. you stared back, lips equally as glossy as his. "are you.. going back to your dorm yet?" thunder struck once again, as if responding to his question. you smiled. "its raining a little too hard dont you think?" beomgyu chuckled, realizing how silly his question was. "yeah. youre right, i think you should stay." you bit your lip as you pulled off each other, both of you immediately missing the warmth. beomgyu shook his head fixing his now fluffed hair thanks to you as he ran his fingers through. he then stood up to turn the led light he had turned off previously back on. "so.. how about we watch a movie?" he spoke as the light clicked. you could almost burst into laughter from the question given the events that just happened a minute prior. give it to choi beomgyu, your best friend, to turn a situation less awkward by simply being his charismatic self. the personality you fell for since day one of knowing him.

"sure gyu, but.." you trailed off, shy about what you were about to say next. honestly, could this get any more awkward? "yeah?" he turned to you and tilted his head in that attractive way he does. "leave the lights off." you looked at him with a shy smile. he flushed at your words. and for the last time again, lightning struck. "yeah.. lights off" he replied, led light clicking once again.

[scorchedthesnake]

All There Is.

On March 7, 2011, I arrived fairly reluctantly to a dilapidated block of 27th Street and queued up for some show my friend John O’Malley was working on. All I knew was that I was going to “chase sexy dancers around a warehouse” or something like that, and it all sounded ridiculous. I couldn’t have known then that my life was about to be changed: that I was going to find the synthesis of many of my niche intellectual interests; that I’d fall in love and have my heart broken, repeatedly; that I’d gain an appreciation for an entire new wing of the arts; that I’d make friends who would reshape my heart and my life; that I’d launch into a social media venture that would secure me a major career change. What if I had known any of this would happen?

It’s incredible to me that nearly fourteen years have passed since that day. Fourteen years is longer than any romantic relationship I’ve had, longer than any job, longer than any program in a university. Longer than my time in a cult. Other than swimming, which I’ve done for 35 years, it’s the longest commitment I’ve ever had to enthusiasm for anything. And it strikes me as especially incredible because at the outset, it was likely to be a very, very temporary thing. A six-week limited engagement, to test the waters and hopefully succeed enough to fill out the first lease, so there were long-term ambitions, but by no means was radical success guaranteed. But as the Boston run had prefigured, the show indeed hit at just the right time, and just the right place, and became electric. 

Why It Worked

As we come to the end, I want to think for a bit about precisely why that happened. Over the past year, there’s been some space to debate the reasons for Sleep No More’s success versus the alleged failures, or at least disappointments, of The Burnt City; and what this might mean for the possibility of Life and Trust repeating the achievements of its predecessor. The opening of Life and Trust has also opened some debate over which entities can most appropriately lay claim to the credit: the creative partner, Punchdrunk, or the producing partner, Emursive. It’s clear that you don’t get a nearly 14 year smash hit without an extremely productive relationship, even if it is, and always has been, replete with tension and conflicts. That creative tension is probably one of the very ingredients of success, as the artistic vision must be brought into balance with a sustainably profitable operating plan.  

But to think that elements like “great choreography” or “murky narrative” or “efficient management” are really behind what made Sleep No More a phenomenon is to both drastically miss the point and bark up the wrong trees. The conditions for Sleep No More’s success, in my view, are the combination of two main elements: first, the concept of the intellectual property itself; and second, the timing of the show’s opening into a specific cultural and media environment.

When The Burnt City opened, early audiences felt like something was missing. In my review I wrote that

“desire is not a currency here. At SNM and TDM, there is a sultry suggestiveness amongst the characters and between them and the audience. At The Burnt City, everyone is too busy being dead, being robots, being dead robots or sacrificing their children to uncaring gods to have much space for suggestive glances and come-hither looks.”

It remains clear as day that the allure of Sleep No More, and its lasting value as entertainment, stems from, frankly, its sexiness. The show was unrepentantly horny from minute one – and, it has to be said: not because of its nudity. The nudity, in fact, is found in some of the least erotic sequences in the show. The atmosphere, however, is sexually charged and ready to pop: that it never really does, that the “orgy” is more violent than sexual, that the sex is mostly suggested, or suspected, is the actual magic here. 

Naturally, this has led to some real difficulties over the long run. On the one hand, audiences, well removed from just immersive enthusiasts and Shakespeare nerds, took heed of the motto “fortune favors the bold” and did some reprehensible things; management was slow to support and better protect performers from the worst of these offenses. Further, the culture of sexual expression in 2011, libertine and aggressive coming out of the preceding recession, gave way, in concert with generational change, to newer, more conservative attitudes. At launch, Sleep No More was a millennial playpen; it now lives in a Gen Z world, alongside films devoid of sex, opposition to sexual content as some sort of impediment to plot, and the anodyne world of the reiterative superhero industrial complex. 

But sexual suggestiveness is what made the whole place sizzle, whether we like to confess that or not. Sure, the worldbuilding is engrossing, the dancing frenetic, the soundscape exquisite – but this whole time, people have been going for vibes. And the vibes, especially in those crazy first few years, were laced with the possibility that sexual adventure could be right around the corner – even when, the whole time, it really wasn’t. As a byproduct of the tension between the art and the entertainment of it, it’s extremely flattering for us as fans to act like we are unmoved by our erotic imaginaries and only compelled by our allegedly higher aesthetic and critical impulses. The broad success of the show – its ability to cater to people other than us nerds – and the party culture that has accompanied it, show this to be an error. 

It’s why The Burnt City just wouldn’t last – a beautiful and meaningful show for sure, but not very fun. Not sexy. Life and Trust suffers from this a bit less, but has another problem that Sleep No More never had to contend with: it’s not cool. And this is the thing that really made it possible for Sleep No More to run and run and run: it was, and is, extremely cool.

How SNM got to be cool is the big question – it was certainly by design, but relied massively on timing, luck, and the right media mix in the launch period. First, it had novelty on its side. Very few people had ever seen anything like this (sorry Boston, you’re not people! But at least in this case, for once, you were definitely tastemakers). Second, the show relied at launch on word-of-mouth and celebrity interest, using principles that we now understand as influencer marketing. Remember, at the time: Instagram was only a few months old and not yet ubiquitous. The show cultivated a reputation as dark, sexy and mysterious, and the mask meant the famous could go along for the ride. In those early days I remember: Leonardo DiCaprio, Orlando Bloom, Paris Hilton, Matt Damon (standing in line like a normie), Elijah Wood. Lauren Ambrose walking up and inquiring about entry. It was only a matter of time until there was critical mass of celebrity exposures for it to hit headlines, and sure enough: Neil Patrick Harris’ long excited rant on Regis and Kelly marked the show’s true arrival. Smartly, there weren’t even ads. There was barely a presence on the major social media platform of the time (Facebook). This wasn’t a show for plain people, it was a show for people in the know about what was cool and unique in New York – and that mythology of scarcity and exclusivity worked wonders.

By comparison, on the day ticket sales launched for Life and Trust, there were a couple hundred immersive theater geeks lined up at Conwell Coffee House to buy them. That’s not a fault of that show – the media environment is completely different now; the Coffee House was smartly pre-launched and pitched to influencers to build interest and intrigue, but: without the novelty factor, this has all had a dull impact. Is it cool to anyone to know what “another mask show from the producers of Sleep No More” is, in the year 2025? Hardly. Whereas SNM had its wheels greased, Life and Trust has an uphill battle for cultural relevance and mindshare. At least The Burnt City had a long-cultivated community of Punchdrunk die hards in place for it, and as the creative side, a certain amount of house loyalty that Emursive now has to earn on their own.

This Fandom

The relationship of Sleep No More to its fan community, is, obviously, a topic I care a great deal about. I have never been part of a fandom before. I did not intend to create a fan community of any kind when I launched this blog, and fortunately we had other early Tumblrs that took on that role. The great beauty of the early years on Tumblr was that the platform allowed each enthusiast to create whatever kind of appreciation worked best for them. In my case, the joy in that came from curation and collection. Others showcased beautiful fan art, others wrote vivid recaps, others answered questions and cultivated community. And, importantly, Tumblr allowed everyone to do so at whatever periodicity worked best for them.

I can’t take credit for the idea of being a Sleep No More fan on Tumblr. That is owed to whoever it was that created fuckyeahsleepnomore (remember when the archetypical Tumblr was named in that format, fuckyeahwhatever? Fuckyeahpaulzivkovich, fuckyeahwillseefried, fuckyeahnatecartershair, we could have driven it into the dirt if we wanted). Some of the things I did on this blog became paradigmatic conventions of being a fan on Tumblr: pick a name with some textual significance to the show; write some stuff; repost from the tags and try to find other enthusiasts. I think the other thing that happened, significantly for the emergence of our fandom, was that my proximity to the show strengthened the notion that being an online friend to the show could gain you access to the people involved.

I came into my close relationship with the production through a mixture of early arrival, connections, a certain amount of goodwill from the blog, and, it has to be said, some gay men’s privilege. Jenny Weinbloom spotted me early as a frequent visitor. John O’Malley facilitated some introductions. My pre-Scorched essay “A Sword Between Banquo and Me” made the rounds over email. After my fourth show, I became really comfortable talking to performers, particularly after the Saturday late show when everyone gathered in Manderley until 4am. When the first round of new cast arrived, it included two people I had previous connections with: I had met William Popp at a swim practice, and my best friend had worked with Tony Bordonaro on a soap opera. We were all young gay New Yorkers and our lives already intersected substantially. So it didn’t seem so weird that we were at parties together outside of the show, occasionally hanging out, and having very casual, friendly relations.

In those early days, there were basically no boundaries, and the kind of access early fans had to the show and the performers would really stun fans who’ve come in since, say, 2016 or so. It was magical, and problematic. No one really knew how to navigate being at the epicenter of a cultural phenomenon, and the early fans were along for the ride. As dancers, the cast weren’t particularly attuned (and neither was I) to the vicissitudes of Broadway stagedoor fan culture, and to the extent that crept in slowly, began to make plain how unsustainable that chummy closeness was; more recently, conventions of East Asian fan behaviors, gifting in particular, has also come over. All of this feels alien to me, but I think the lesson there is that 2011-2013 was just an extremely abnormal time, a kind of whiplash from the sudden fame of the show (which did not, directly and personally, extend to its cast, whom the show kept extremely shrouded).

Sleep No More learned how to program for loyalty very, very late in the game. The Salons, which I’ve been to, and the roundtables, which I have not, have been really wonderful gestures toward community engagement that would have been unthinkable in the early years, and Ilana Gilovich deserves tremendous credit for championing and moderating these events. In my own personal case, I’ve had small but meaningful gestures over the years: the invitation to the MIT Media Lab experiment, some helpful assistance from the Box Office (though not here at the end!); a warm welcome back at the end of my long unemployment. But the chief benefit of being a fanboy was never anything that came from the production, it was that I made friends of performers and staff, and that gave me a currency in the early and middle years that I greatly enjoyed. It’s almost fully spent now.

Tumblr’s deletion of pornography largely killed the platform, and the latter generation of Tumblr fans gradually moved into the Second Age of their fandom like I had when this blog first concluded in 2014. Over the past year of repeated extensions, permit issues, and complicated preemptive mourning, I’ve dipped my toe into the new homestead of Sleep No More fandom, which is now on Discord. Whereas Tumblr was petty and cruel, the Discord tends to be prudish and overprotective; but these differences are generational as opposed to platform-oriented, and are the product of a fandom reacting to a different kind of relationship with the admired object than what we had in the early years. The Discord is also deliberately and explicitly communitarian, which is something else extremely alien to me, and very much the opposite of the egotism of the Tumblr era, but has been a great comfort for its participants through a year of confusion and uncertainty. For my part, I have found peace and joy in seeing the fandom grow well beyond me and develop mores that I just don’t understand. That means progress has come along.

My chief regret over all the years is the tendency of fans to be excessively deferential to the show. Far too eager to not offend, far too unwilling to criticize. It’s okay to say something isn’t good, or that you don’t like a performance. It may shock people to know this, but in my one conversation with Maxine Doyle, she herself commented that the show had not been good that night. It happens, and it’s useless to shine the apple of pretending otherwise. Nor do we get points for white-knighting for Emursive’s miserable management, or trying to rationalize terrible creative decisions like axing all the Manderley characters. Our fondness for something is well-reflected in our ability to articulate flaws, errors and poor choices, and I wish we had all been better about this all along. 

What it all meant for me

The Discord’s moderation has suggested that it will be deleted some time after the show closes; and so Tumblr’s longevity in the post-porn era is truly its most astonishing feature. This means that, barring another upheaval or change of ownership, this blog will endure on the internet as a relic of what Sleep No More was. If you go back to the beginning and read it forward, you will get the fragmentary tale of one very naive, overenthusiastic ex-academic moving to New York City and living out his own little Bildungsroman inside an immersive theater production. I am really pleased that so many of you came along for the ride, and that these confessions of my younger self – embarrassing as they often now are when I look back at them – can do a good job of telling someone why Sleep No More meant so much to so many people.

Over the past year, I’ve tried to add more detail to my personal experience of the show, and be a little more upfront about what was going on than I could be at the time. For as much as I wish I could claim to be an extremely intellectually even observer of the show and the culture around it, I feel it’s more fair to reveal that in fact, the main driver behind much of my love for this show was that I met a boy, he broke my heart, and I stuck around to let it really scorch me. None of this diminishes what the show meant; is it not the very essence of the show itself? “And then one day, he went away. And I thought I’d die. But I didn’t. And when I didn’t, I said to myself, is that all there is to love?”

Somewhere, back in the day, in an interview I know I listened to but could not possibly source, Felix Barrett said something along the lines of: every visitor to the show should fall in love at least once while inside. And I think he’s absolutely right, and I think every single fan of the show, in their heart, has done so. Hopefully not with the contours of my own experience exactly, but it’s the essence of it. I know I am compelled by powerful scoring, dramatic lighting, dynamic movement, and intelligent intertextuality. But I fall in love with a kind and gentle heart, and a generous spirit that is on a journey and eager to share it. And I encountered quite a few of these over our many years together in the hotel.

I’m also acutely aware that this blog itself played a major role in giving me the life I have today. The job I landed in 2014 was a corporate social media role – one that I landed in part by talking about the work I had done on this blog. I also talked in the interviews about my enthusiasm for the show, and how it had given me a sense of meaning, belonging, and purpose to my intellection. I talked about the struggle my year of unemployment had been with unvarnished honesty, and my manager later told me that was what had clinched it. I learned the kind of storytelling I did in that search here, on Tumblr, talking about this show.

For nearly fourteen years, thinking and writing about this show, and this mode of performance, has been the most satisfying intellectual enterprise I have ever engaged in – far better than all that grad school. I could not have known at the outset that this is where all my critical faculties would be fully engaged, or that several of my obscure interests, my fondness for Arthur Schnitzler or for Thomas Mann, would be extremely relevant. Now, as we begin to look forward, I know that this activity does not end here with the closing of the show. I hope to continue, both in remembrance of what we all experienced, and in anticipation of successor productions in this format, to think and write about this kind of immersive theater. The difference will be that the mask will be off, and I will be writing as Evan, not as Scorched the Snake. 

Saying goodbye to fourteen years of Sleep No More means saying goodbye to several full chapters of my life, and to all of my life in New York City thus far. It is saying goodbye to earlier versions of myself, to someone who was afraid to have to push his way through a crowd, afraid to talk to strangers in bars, afraid to gaze deeply into someone’s eyes, afraid to express desire. To someone not yet open to all the range of creativity that this show and its people have introduced me to. To someone who did not yet know all the brilliant and loving souls who made it all possible. But I am happy to say goodbye to those versions of me; the one I am now is so much richer, so much wiser, so much more connected to a beautiful world than I had ever been before. 

We have had such a wonderful time. The show’s closure is about to tear a giant hole in my life, my habits, and frankly, my personality. I cannot wait to figure out what I will do to fill that void, what insanely enriching and engrossing thing I will feel pulled to next. If there is one paramount lesson of this whole experience, it is that my enthusiasm for something will take me on great voyages when I trust it. We all now just have to trust it.

In just a few days, we will gather for three nights of celebration of this world we’ve made and shared together. In the early hours of Sunday, January 12, we will each exit the McKittrick Hotel for the last time, stepping out into the cold of night, but not into darkness. The streets of town, paved with stars, will glisten and glow before us as we walk away toward our next adventures, forever changed, and permanently enchanted by our friends, our loves and our losses.

“How strange it was, how sweet and strange, there was never a dream to compare.”

[amtrak12]

On Lucifer S5, Michael, and God (but mostly God)

(See end notes for disclaimers)

I did a Twitter poll about which Lucifer meta I should write up first, and I actually got responses! \0/ 4 out of 7 people wanted to see my thoughts on Michael, God, and S5 first, so let's do this :P

Thesis statement: Michael played the long con and pushed God into retiring.

The Evidence:

Michael plays off people's fears -- that's his power -- and he can bring out the fears of both humans and angels alike. (Which is very interesting because Lucifer's desire power doesn't have the same pull on celestials, and Amenadiel can only freeze time for mortals.) So, if Michael's power worked on his siblings, then who's to say he couldn't play on God's fears as well?

God admitted -- in actual words spoken in S5 -- that he was scared he was losing his powers. And then, of course, that plot point went exactly nowhere and seemed to have no bearing on why he retired -- but still, God admitted to being afraid!

Well, I'm taking that evidence and proposing that Michael manipulated this fear and amped it up the same way he amped up Amenadiel's and Chloe's fears. When Michael positioned himself to be the next God, he wasn't just taking advantage of Dad's retirement. He'd been planning the move for a long time.

What makes this theory particularly interesting is that for Michael's plan to work, God has to be afraid of something. Michael can't invent fears, just like Lucifer can't invent desires. But how could God be scared of anything? Why would he fear he was losing his powers? It makes no sense, right? Because he's God who's supposed to be all-knowing and all-powerful.

My theory, and the one I've written into my Can We Keep Her fic, is that God can only see all of time and space when he's in that universe to witness it. The second he retires to his wife's universe, he no longer knows what's happening on Earth. Now, let's take that to the next logical step. God can see the future (or predicts it ala Uriel because he sees everything in the present and knows everything about the past -- unclear which it is from the show). But if he can truly see EVERYTHING, then he should know that he retires one day. Instead, he's scared he's losing his powers. That implies that God can't see his own retirement. And he can't see it because he switches universes. Everything after he retires is a black hole of nothing to him, and he has no idea why. That would be terrifying to someone who has always known everything, who's always been in control of everything. If God can't see the future anymore, and he doesn't realize it's because he retires to another universe, then he would absolutely be scared that he was losing his powers. Especially as time passed and that black hole of nothing got closer and closer and the future he could see grew smaller and smaller until all that was left was the present day.

Now, God probably stopped seeing the full future LONG before S5 and long before Michael began manipulating him. Exactly, when he noticed depends on how much of the future he can see at any one time. Given that free will exists to make the future malleable, he probably can't see indefinitely into the future. So, he might not have noticed anything was off until like, idk, maybe a hundred years out? A hundred twenty? And when he saw the nothingness on the horizon, he probably just figured the future was in flux more than normal. Nothing to be concerned about. :)

But then he gets, let's say, 40 years out and that black hole has only drawn closer. Nothing has replaced it. There still isn't any future. NOW he starts worrying. Maybe, he thinks, maybe he should interfere and take some direct action again. Because something must be wrong with Earth that's affecting the future. He doesn't think it's his powers yet. No, a balance is off in the universe if its not progressing the way God expected it to.

So, he sends Amenadiel down to bless the Deckers with Chloe (oh yes! We're connecting all the dots now because why the hell not?). God puts Chloe on Earth to speed up Lucifer's realization that he can help the souls stuck in Hell. ("evil shall be released", remember?) God could afford to be patient before -- he and the angels are immortal beings after all, and Hell is purposefully designed to make time irrelevant. Guilt and torment doesn't compound in Hell the way it does when alive on Earth because nothing new ever happens in Hell. It runs on loops, offering a person chance after chance to make things right. Plus Hell runs out of sync with Earth. Time moves faster in Hell which lets the loops repeat even more. A soul trapped in Hell could have a thousand years of opportunities to get out while only a month has passed on Earth. It's an attempt to have family and friends arrive in Heaven more or less together instead of spending eons apart.

But the systems must not be working anymore. They're (seemingly) running out of future, and God can't afford to be patient anymore. So he interferes, Chloe is born, and it works! God can see the timeline shift, he can see the changes in Lucifer -- but the future is still black. THAT'S when he gets truly scared and fears that he might be the real problem, that he might be losing his powers. And this is when Michael steps in to start manipulating that fear, before S5 but not before Lucifer meets Chloe. I don't believe Michael was manipulating things for decades, because I don't think God's fear was strong enough for Michael to sense until the last couple of years. But once dear old Dad showed weakness, Michael -- the one who's never had the power he thinks he deserves -- absolutely pounced on it, whispering lies in his ear, making offhand comments about God losing his grip on the world, but framing them as concern. You know the drill.

Now, this theory falls apart entirely if you believe God is not only omnipresent but also truly all powerful and can do anything he wants with a snap of his fingers. If that's your belief, then I guess God was just faking being scared he was losing his powers in S5? He was play-acting to manipulate everyone because he wanted Michael and Lucifer to go to war? (and therefore wanted Remiel to be wiped from existence like Uriel???) Like I guess that's an interpretation? A bit convoluted and renders the story pointless, though, imo. Why would S5 exist -- why would the entire show exist -- if God truly planned and controlled everything and no one else had any power over the narrative?

Especially because the second biggest theme of the entire series, right behind anyone can be redeemed, was the theme that angels were just as flawed as humans. Powers and immortality didn't actually separate angels from humans as much as angels wanted to believe. They weren't fundamentally different or better than humans. At our core, the show said, angels and humans were the same.

And God. This theme extends to God as Amenadiel realized in S5. God is as flawed and prone to mistakes as humans. That's what makes him interesting! And these flaws create story. Instead of an all powerful being manipulating everyone like puppets, you're telling a story about a parent who fucked up and let his kids down. A story of someone trying and failing to balance work (being God) and home (the angels, the Goddess of All Creation). Where plans, however carefully constructed, don't always work out the way you believed they would. All universal concepts applicable to our every day lives! There's a reason religions like the Greeks and Romans wrote their gods with human flaws. Because ultimately every story (and yes religion is story brought to life by faith) is crafted to reflect us as human beings, to explore aspects of our desires and fears and relationships. Because if it doesn't do that, then what is the point? How is it even a story?

So yes, I believe God was flawed in Lucifer. He made mistakes. He was scared, and ultimately his powers came with limitations just like everyone else has. One of his sons took advantage of those limitations and preyed on his fears until God believed he should step down. And when God caught on to what had happened (because I believe he did realize Michael had manipulated him before the end), he still chose to step down because he realized not having his powers wasn't as terrifying as he'd thought, and because he missed his wife. But he didn't retire as a perfect God. That wasn't his character arc. He still made mistakes. He continued to believe it was best not to interfere, that his children should stumble and figure things out for themselves -- even though children learn through examples and guidance more than anything else. (There's letting your child try and fail on their own and then there's never giving them the tools to stand on their own to begin with.) God retires without a succession plan because, despite confessions and apologies and heartfelt I love yous, in the end he still chooses to be God rather than a father. And I personally think that makes him very flawed.

Disclaimers:

*During my entire first watch of the show, Lucifer rode the knife's edge between being a garbage show I was embarrassed to be watching and a canon soulmate AU I couldn't stop obsessing over. Clearly we landed firmly in the obsession camp, but I've avoided all cast and crew interviews to keep it that way. Sometimes behind-the-scenes footage/interviews are incredible and useful. Other times, they can utterly ruin the show. Lucifer seemed like it would have a high chance of the latter so I prefer to stick with aired episodes. If it wasn't explicitly stated in canon somewhere (and even if it was sometimes), then it's still up for interpretation.

*This fandom seems allergic to meta or at least to posting it publicly on an easily searchable site, so apologies if I'm retreading old ground. I've been studying fandom opinions via reading AO3 fic in chronological order, but I'm still in the S2 era, so I have no idea what S5 theories have already been floated by others.

All that being said.... What are your takes on God's retirement or Michael potentially orchestrating it? I fully admit there's some reaching with connecting Chloe to God not being able to see the future past his retirement. It never crossed my mind until I was writing this up properly, but I kind of like it??? Besides, ideas can't bake properly in a vacuum, so let's chat about your own takes! I love meta discussions! <3

[mamadarama]

same anon here to elaborate on some of the cats (and other pets) in the story:

every member of knights has a descendant of little john/nyaitsu. (only one i have details on atm: izuleo have a big fat cat named king richard who's dumb as rocks[though they both insist otherwise] and spoiled rotten. they didn't know it was a girl until after she was named that. later on they got another cat who they named maid marian before finding out that was a boy. their names have not been changed regardless)

shu adopted a Fancy Pedigree Sphinx (he makes it little sweaters/outfits to keep it warm). mika has a skrunkly black cat he found in a dumpster (alternatively, also thought it could be cool to give him one of those patchwork cats, where the pigmentation on their face is like. split down the middle yanno). anywho these cats are Bonded for Life

tetohina have a Stupid Male Orange Tabby. tetora thinks the cat is a Fierce Warrior while hinata calls it a stinky dum dum (affectionately)

kohiiai actually have three pets. first was the bunny, then the tarantula hiiro brought home a day later, then a while after that, kohaku found a stray kitten in an alleyway and brought it home (by this point hiiro has adjusted to the idea of domesticated pets, and it helps that the kitten was also on the streets [just like him ;;]) kohaku and the cat are both found regularly napping in weird locations (open to suggestions on cat breeds!! i keep going back and forth on what it should be,, i liked the idea of bingus, but also like the idea of fluffy,, currently tentatively thinking oriental long hair maybe? idk. kitten with ear too big for he gotdam head)

subaru (+the rest of trickstar by extension) has a direct descendant of daikichi

similarly, koga has at least one or two corgis, if not a direct descendant of leon. also probably like a bajillion foster dogs. hes using the rockstar money to care for as many dogs as possible

souma still has kamegorou. turtles live a long time,, (also maybe one or two horses as well)

given your Cat Knowledge, i'd love to hear your thoughts on these, or any other characters who you think should have cats! :3

Aaahh thats so cute . i can totally imagine leo having a cat named king richard thats just like that, if someone told me him and izumi have that exact cat back in italy i wouldnt even question it id just take it as fact

you could give kohaku a purebred, but it wouldnt be that realistic to do that. finding a purebred stray/feral at all, much less finding one alive, is so unlikely that the only thing keeping me from saying its impossible is my personal adversity to making absolute claims like that on the possibility of some bizarre freak situation. all strays and ferals are moggies/randombreds, any purebreds you see in shelters are animals surrendered by their owners (its rare, ive been rehabbing cats for 6-7 years now and its only happened 3 times)

however that doesnt mean you cant give him a unique cat !! mutations and weird patterns happen all the time in stray and feral populations . the bobtail gene is pretty common in japanese colonies (at least more common than it is in america) so you could give him a bobtail cat? i think a little high white calico bobtail would suit him :^)

but of course realism doesnt really matter too much, hell i have purebreds in catstars au and theyre all ferals

also hiiro would have either a tarantula or a stick bug or both. idk i can imagine him absolutely adoring stick and leaf bugs for how they look like sticks and leaves , he thinks its charming

depending on how far in the future were talking souma might still have saigoudon. souma grew up with him so its safe to assume theyre around the same age, meaning saigoudon is around 20 years old. horses can live up to 30 and occasionally even longer so theyve still got plenty time left together. if he moves out of his parents house maybe hed get his own horse though

the twins definitely have their own cats and tetora definitely tells young children that meet their cat that its part tiger.

SHU HAVING A HAIRLESS BREED IS SO REAL he would love having a pet he can make clothes for its too perfect . the split face marking youre talking about is most common in tortoiseshell cats , that would be perfect for mika :D

with daikichi and leon im almost certain theyre both fixed because koga and subaru are responsible dog owners but subaru would definitely stick with shibas . i can picture koga either with another corgi or adopting a shepard mix of some kind ..... when he retires hed probably start fostering dogs but until then hed probably be busy with life and stick with only one dog so he can devote all his attention to that one . fostering more than one or two dogs at a time is kind of a full time thing (believe me my step grandmother fosters dogs and owns 11) he definitely volunteers at some sort of animal place, either domestic or exotics or whatever he just loves animals in general (thinking abt the guinea pig card..... )

[return-to-ravenbrooks]

This is the [REDACTED] check-in with Mr. Woodhart. I, Trinity Bales, am the interviewer as usual. Would you please state your full name and age for the records?

Yes, it’s Damien Percy WoodHart, age 23.

Thank you. How are you today, Damien?

I’m alright. Work was work, but we already know that.

Right, shall we get into it then?

Of course! I’m ready when you are, Ms. Bales.

Have you attended any “meetings” since our last check-in, Damien?

Yes, I have. It was a shorter one than usual, actually. They’ve been getting shorter lately. I’m suspecting it has something to do with me, but I can’t be certain since I’ve been in attendance for years. This one didn’t include much beyond the average chatter about the town and about the “new blasphemous god”’s behavior.

I see… How has…that been going as of late?

You mean Zach? Ah, he’s alright. As alright as he can be, all things considered. I’ve been keeping him out of their sights as best I can, but you can only do so much in a small town.

Right, I can only imagine with the- wandering. Is it fair to assume his continued denial of any involvement in the woods is- less than accurate?

Any assertions he has made regarding that are factual, I can promise you that. It’s not as if he’s even capable of lying about it, his situation ensures that. I’m sorry, Ms. Bales, but Zach is not an avenue for you to explore accurately. I’m sure you’re referring to his. Nights out.

I'm not referring to lies from his perspective, Damien. I am referring to the reality of the events.

The reality of the matter is that even if he is out there in his condition, it’s not of his own volition. The others are terrified of him. He keeps them inside some nights. I just help him in the instances he doesn’t quite complete his route.

Right. …And about the circumstances regarding the damages to the Grocer's?

An outburst. He wasn’t doing well there, and I did my best to help him calm down, but I’m not one to keep him under surveillance 24/7. It was partially my fault it got to that point, but he. Well. He has some right to be upset, honestly.

Care to elaborate?

… Well, if I had to describe it, he wasn’t always in the headspace to work. His mind wanders as much as he does. Behaviors he can’t always control, general distractions, everything you already probably know. But the work seemed to exacerbate it. He was more tired when he came home, and he seemed more easy to anger. Work can indeed do that. Imagining how it would be if I wasn’t working is sometimes very appealing… My- My point is, he didn’t enjoy the position, and he had resentment for it.

If you don't mind my further prodding, how does that make it at all your fault?

… I mean in the sense that it’s my job to help him. I didn’t help him enough in that instance. I apologize, I didn’t clarify.

I see. Well, from the way he speaks about them, the sleeping pills aren't having much effect. Have you seen anything, however?

Sigh I think they’re proving useless, in all honesty. All it seems to do is accelerate his nights. Not even getting him sluggish. He falls asleep faster, so it happens faster. I think that all it relies on is his sleep state.

Hm.

… I suppose that means that he’ll be perpetually tired until I figure out how to reverse this. The townsfolk are not a helpful bunch, but I’m planning on going back to the library tomorrow.

Damien, you're an intelligent man, how open are you to- an experiment?

Absolutely not. I’ve not enough research to do anything as drastic as that!

No no, nothing intense. But you mentioned thinking the transformation is tied to his sleep state correct?

Yes, I did.

And, previously, we attempted to adjust it with more sleep, correct?

That would be accurate, yes…

Well, what if we attempted the other direction? Longer hours awake and conscious?

… I’m… not entirely sure if that would be good for Zach, at least in this state. I can try to give him a more consistent, spaced sleep schedule, but its a touchy subject with him.

I can tell… I can't be sure it will help, but perhaps even recommending things like coffee to help stay awake at work might help, if only a little. I know you only want what's safest for him. We do too, I promise, but to find the formula for what's best, sometimes we have to take some leaps of faith. Sadly, there aren't any books on fixing- his condition.

… I’ll look into some possible options for keeping him awake in intervals. It’ll be a shift, one that he can hopefully adjust to within a week.

Wonderful, and hopefully, we can reconvene in our next check-in. Unless, of course, anything happens which needs a sooner meeting.

Hopefully. I’m hoping there are no scenes about me at the next meeting. They used to be so frequent…

That reminds me… any updates on Crow Face?

… He’s. He sure is Crow Face. He does an awful lot of staring at me…

Any more- uh.. attacks?

No, nothing of note with him has happened since- … Well, since he got my parents.

…I see. …How is the condition of your coin? Or- coins if what Zach mentioned is correct.

It’s just fine. I’ve not had any streaks of luck lately, I don’t think there’s anything to be concerned about for the time being.

Good, good. Finally, have you checked in with Mr. And Mrs. Carrion as of recently? Are there any updates on their- mental states?

I have some minor progress for both of them, Mrs. Carrion moreso. It’s a bit difficult to get much done, but it’s fine. I’m just worried about some of the points I’m going to have to make to them eventually.

Well, I can promise we're working to find information ourselves on the matter. The sooner we can find a way to help you two the better for Ravenbrooks. And the work you're doing helps more than I think you realize. And…I'm sure if Zach could know more about it all, he'd say the same.

I’d give most anything for him to have all this reversed. For him to have a restful night. I’m not going to stop until that happens.

Neither will we. Is it fair to assume you'll be open for the same check in time in two weeks?

Unless I have an emergency appointment, we’re all set.

Wonderful. Thank you again for your time, Damien.

[sirhyst]

WASH DAY: (ft. black!longhair!gn!reader x dad!fukuzawa, brother!ranpo, bf!Poe, sister!yosano, sister!kyoka, kunikida)

Note: that’s a lot of people but reader has a fuck tone of hair and I already struggle washing my (3c) hair and it’s not even that long 💀 so imagine black!reader’s afro down their back. Even though I’m black, I’ve never specifically written for a black reader but I’ve been wanting to write this for so long. hair type is not specified, it’s whatever hair type you have ✊

————————————————————————-

Since you’ve been living with Fukuzawa, he’s helped you with growing out your hair again

When he first met you, you obviously weren’t taking good care of it so he knew someone who could help with your hair type

He knew that was what came with adopting someone with your hair type and just wants you to love your hair and be happy with it

He even takes the time to learn how to take care of your hair because that’s perfect for family bonding

Fast forward to today, your Afro is down your back when it’s flat ironed and in its natural state it’s at your shoulder, so it obviously requires all hands on deck

(For those who don’t know sometimes our hair looks shorter than it actually is, so it might look like it’s at our shoulders but straightened out it could be longer; TLDR: shrinkage is a bitch)

There is a day scheduled, yes an entire day, just for your hair.

Each of the team is assigned a section to make sure each section of your hair gets proper attention it needs

It’s a little chaotic at first because it is 6 people plus yourself working on your head, but chaos is the family name with you lot so you work through it

Who does the best job?

Rating each characters hair care ability:

Fukuzawa: 10/10

Kind of nervous even after all these years

If you have sensitive scalp, he is extra gentle with your hair

He’s practically directing everyone on what to do

Ranpo: 7/10

He gets distracted easily while washing his section of your hair

It’s not that he doesn’t care, he’s just fascinated with the texture

If your curls come out more he will literally stand there looking at your curl pattern like 😯

Overall, he does a thorough job, but sometimes you have to make sure that the shampoo and conditioner are fully washed out of his section

Definitely whines that his arms are starting to hurt but Fukuzawa splashes water him to shut him up

Kyouka: 8/10

Just like ranpo she’d also be fascinated with your curl pattern, but she does a good job at washing even on her first wash day

-2 point because sometimes she accidentally pulls on your hair to hard

She’s still learning obviously, so she hasn’t mastered platting that section of your hair so sometimes her section gets a little tangled from a failed attempt

Just need to comb it out again afterwards so, no big deal

Yosano: 9/10

Auntie Yosano is so precise

She’s super gentle with your hair especially if you have a sensitive scalp

Extra points because she massages the conditioner into your hair

Sometimes when she’s presses down to hard with the rat-tail comb when parting your hair and that shit hurts but she massages the spot to soothe your head

Poe: 9/10

So you and Poe haven’t been dating long, so this is his first wash day

You warned him that it takes along time especially since you have a lot of hair on your head, but he doesn’t mind at all

He actually has a lot of fun and is glad he gets to help you with your hair

You’ve probably taught Poe how to oil your hair so he takes pride in his oiling skills.

Poe is a huge nerd and acts like he’s the hot shit just because he can braid your hair in cornrows or in two (which valid that shit is so difficult. I still can’t braid my own hair, somebody help)

Deducting points because the first time around, in his panicked state he put a little too much oil in your hair afterwards 💀

Kunikida: 10/10

He’s similar to fukuzawa and yosano

He’s very precise and puts the exact amount of shampoo and conditioner you need for his section

He always makes note of what shampoo and conditioner dries your hair or which one works well for you

If Fukuzawa isn’t supervising the situation you and Kunikida probably end up arguing over something, because it’s always something with you two

Aside from the yelling, he’s very gentle with your hair

He also knows how to braid your hair in cornrows and bonus points because he never does them to tight that they hurt

He knows everything about hair porosity and all that info it’s shocking but not really because it is kunikida

As I mentioned, sometimes Kyouka struggles with putting her section into a little twist to separate it, so Kunikida do it for her or show her how to twist your hair properly

Kunikida is a god at detangling your hair, he’s shockingly is so gentle you forget he’s working in your head.

Post-washing hair care

As mentioned before, Poe and Yosano usually help with putting oils and creams in your hair afterwards, especially if you’re twisting it.

For protective styles, kunikida or Fukuzawa usually does it, but Yosano parts your hair perfectly

If the hairstyle you want is more complex fukuzawa will find someone else to do your hair for you (or if you know how to do your own hair he’ll leave it to you)

If you two get a second alone, Poe will gently touch your hair and compliment you endlessly (why would you expect anything less from him)

Poe also randomly touches your hair because he loves the texture on his fingers

some people either let their hair air dry or blow dry it, so if you choose to blow dry it, kunikida will do it for you

Yosano has tried to blow dry your hair but she did to many rounds on a single piece and almost burned you

If you are like me and have a fear of having heat in your hair (cowards unite), Kunikida will blow dry your hair on low heat, yes it will take infinitely times longer but your comfort is more important

Kyoka likes to play around with your hair especially with you have it in twists.

She likes putting it in a little ponytail

Poe is foaming at the mouth if you leave your hair out in an Afro because you look so hot 😭 (as a matter fact his on his knees regardless of what hairstyle you do, my man is completely whipped, he is literally that “I believe in *insert* supremacy” meme)

Overall wash day with these guys is super fun

Obviously this is about black!reader with long hair, but if you decide you want to change it up like cutting it really short or locking it, all of them are so supportive of you.

————————————————————————-

[heartstringsduet]

Thanks for creating this Weekend WIP ask @welcometololaland . Guess who's not just wide awake at 5 am and half-blindly misunderstanding this is not a ask game but a fill-in thing? OOPS. SORRY thanks for tagging me @rmd-writes @alrightbuckaroo @lemonlyman-dotcom For Writers

1. WIP List: First Aid (Lying fools trying to fix the other)

Let Me Part 5 (D/s verse) TK turning 30 collab with @strandnreyes New Year's Day (meeting over and over on new years) Fathers (daddy issues the fic) 5 things Carlos isn't good at Christmassy short?

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest? First Aid. 120k that might be cut down or...expanded? but like 100k for sure will end up published.

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest? See above. Want to take some time away from more than 50k projects after this. Good luck Michelle.

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

Right now TK turning 30 is a wonderful reprieve because it doesn't really have a plot and I love written character deep-dives. But also, seeing the finish line of First Aid really made me sit down and enjoy writing it again.

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

Ugh don't want to be a one-trick pony but First Aid has a lot of things that intimidate me. Like making both of them recognizable despite some very different circumstances for them. But also keeping all plot-points and the pacing and the OCs consistent and in line? UGH.

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why? See above. Added pressure for me thinking no one will like it because it really does have flawed characters and a lot of lying and back and forth and drama baby drama. Maybe people won't like the finished thing as much as the snippets. Maybe I will be disappointed by the response.. Maybe maybe maybe

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why? For longer fics or fics that mean much to me I do ask betas and they are TREMENDOUS helps and just a joy to me. I am in awe of all of you, taking the time to help make something shine more. <3 Still considering asking someone to sensitivity read First Aid but feel like 120k might a bit too much to ask of someone. So maybe I will ask for feedback once I update instead and hope I don't offend anyone and am open to criticism. Or maybe if you read this and want to be a sensitivity reader particularly for representation of Latino characters, would love that <3

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block? Oh some have been on hiatus more like. like the 5 things Carlos can't do or the Fathers one. I really like what I have there so far but then other projects get in the way. First Aid definitely had some writer's block moments so I wrote other things like Let Me in between.

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

Well, First Aid has a few OCs actually and none of them totally the ones everyone will love. But I do like writing Arturo, as a cousin to Carlos, even if he definitely won't be liked much.

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

Let Me series for sure. That's just where the 5% sexual frustration I feel a year goes lol.

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

First Aid is like a dark pool of angst. Whoops. Let Me isn't without its fair share of hurt/comfort though.

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)? Fathers. I try to be very close to the source material to explore the relationship of TK and his father and Carlos and Owen through the lense of Carlos and how it changes over time.

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)? My weaknessss. I guess First Aid though. Trying to do some of New York justic,e but ultimately won't probably.

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

Well for the sheer length and plot and time: First Aid.

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why? See above and see my doubts about First Aid. 😶

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

I WISH. I wish I dreamt about people other than my former high school friends?

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't? The new part of the Let Me series deals with grief and self-harm in a very specific scenario of being in a relationship with Dom/sub dynamics. I think that's fascinating and I wanted to write that part for a while.

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour? Did i mention the angst part? But I guess 5 things Carlos isn't good at

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process? Yes! TK turns 30 is actually about so many relationships TK has outside of the romantic one. I LOVE that. Since I have more experience with friendships than even family ties, and deep-dive into my own psyche way too much, I think this one is really challenging and fun.

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

I ave like 10k minimum of First Aid that is all different versions of the characters and scenarios that make no sense anymore. Also, coming up with 5 fun things Carlos can't do wasn't that easy. he is TALENTED. I tag @decafdino @ambiguouspenny @carlos-in-glasses @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut @lightningboltreader @noxsoulmate @chaotictarlos @louis-ii-reyes-strand @carlos-tk @ladytessa74 @freneticfloetry @orchidscript

[moongothic]

(It's actually for 4 hours from official release on shuesa).

But, do you think Croc know about "Vegapunk press release" and try to find pluton? Do you think pluton actually some ship like noa or something?

It was revealed and confirmed to us all the way back in Chapter 352 that Pluton is a WARSHIP (thus there being blueprints for it that were passed down from shipwright to shipwright on the shipwright island)

We don't know how much Crocodile knows about Pluton and whether or not he realized it was a ship and not just a magic gun, though personally I wouldn't be surprised if he did know it was a ship.

This got a bit longer than I wanted it to so I'm putting it under the cut, there be chapter 1113 spoilers so be warned

Now it has been revealed to us that the OP world is sinking into the ocean, but what we can't say for sure if this is a "natural phenomena", or if it's something the Gorosei and Imu are allowing to happen if not straight up trying to cause.

Like there has been some hinting through out OP so far to suggest that the sea level might be rising and may have been higher in the past. Many have pointed out how multiple locations through out the series have been built high up (like Alubarna, Water 7, even the Flower Capital in Wano, parts of Dressrosa, etc) in a way that could survive high water levels (especially strange in cases like Alubarna mind you) (also see the Tenryuubito living on top of the Red Line far far above where the ocean could reach them, a place that was once the home of the Lunarians). Additionally there have been nods to the idea that the ocean as we know it has been changing on its own for years; the ocean creeping in on the giant river in Alabasta, the Agua Lagunas getting worse and worse each year, and although it happened at the same time Lulutia was destroyed we did see the ocean creeping in on Kamabakka Queendom and taking away their sandy beaches. There's also something to be said about all the natural structures through out the OP worls that just seem to spout near infinite amounts of water constantly into the world (Water 7 and Wano)

I'm sure we're going to find out in the next chapter which it is, but either way, there's probably two options here; that either the sea level rising is a natural disaster that has happened in the past and is merely about to happen again like an ice age, or the World Government is somehow behind it.

And yeah, with stuff like this

It's kind of natural for people to jump to the assumption that the Gorosei may want to commit genocide with a biblical Great Flood to maintain their status quo. My thing is that if they had the ability to just flush the unwanted down the drain whenever they want, then why bother wanting to create new ancient weapons like the Mother Flame, why bother wanting to obtain Robin and potentially the ancient weapons that're already out there? Like they won't need those weapons if they can just cause a flood whenever

To me, it'd make more sense if the coming flood is an unavoidable natural disaster, one the Gorosei know is coming, and they're just going to let it happen. It'll just help them get rid of the unwanted easier, and the survivors will be easy to then control and rule over with Buster Calls and whatever weapons of mass destruction they might have; "the Great Cleansing" V. Nusjuro mentioned here being them actively wiping out people and islands for their own benefit instead of a flood doing it for them

But who knows, maybe the flood is something the Gorosei are making happen (or maybe they have the power to prevent it but intentionally aren't doing anything to stop it). Like I said, I'm sure we're finding out next chapter.

ANYWAYS, BACK TO CROCODILE

So we don't know what his deal is. He wanted enough military might to oppose the World Government, but what for? Most One Piece villians have wanted gigantic militaries for themselves, some because they want to become Pirate King and know they need that much power to fulfill that dream, others for seemingly no reason.

But why did Crocodile want enough power to oppose the WG?

Who the fuck knows, it's a giant mystery.

Like I doubt Crocodile wanted Pluton just to survive the flood on a big ol' ship though, like there's plenty of ships out there and with his money surely he'd be able to custom build a giant ship if he wanted to. But if Crocodile had somehow found out and knew about the coming flood, and if it is somehow caused by the WG, then sure, if he wanted to obtain Pluton to stop the WG that could add up. Or maybe he wanted the weapon just to get revenge on Whitebeard and become Pirate King

Literally could be anything, no way to know what, we just have to wait and see (=torture)

[mountain-lion-gremlin]

a good reason to leave for me:

i honestly think it would be safer for me and therians to not be in the same space sometimes haha. P-shifting isn't safe for many and it can really hurt others.

Although I would love to stay, I know that it's probably safer for everyone to no longer teach it and keep to myself about things that involve how to shift and such.

P-shifting isn't a joke and can harm people who suffer from mental issues and other things of that sort. Its just not safe to teach in a large public space. It's something only some can stomach and be safe while doing. Plus some communities that are too unregulated exist and may mess with people's reality and how they perceive it. Some are too open to allow people to start p-shifting right off the bat and it's just too dangerous that way. (including those that say "oh just wait you will shift eventually but you cant control it at all" those are even worse.)

Theres a very good reason why newer communities are very apprehensive about teaching, or telling, or allowing new people who know nothing about it just hop in and start shifting. Usually if you are coming to the "learning" community (as in, you are following steps laid out by others to understand your identity) there is guidelines, there are warnings, etc. It's just too risky to not follow these guidelines and not listen to the warnings.

Dont start p-shifting right when you find out. Take the time to start a journal. Understand that what you are getting into isn't something that will make you cool or quirky. You risk your mental health if you are not careful. You have to be born to be a p-shifter. You must first mental shift before you can even think about p-shifting. P-shifting is not easy and will take years to even get to a point where you start getting somewhere physically.

The list goes on. When someone who is teaching shifting slacks in saying these things, you can harm someone. It takes a very long time to even get to the point where you may be ready to p-shift. Some never will p-shift. You have to accept these realities too. Not to mention how some older guides, although effective, can be so incredibly risky. (Such as completely shutting out the world and being an animal 24/7. Some people just take it too far and do it too early and ruin themselves.) Its just not worth it sometimes.

Thats why I'm leaving Tumblr. Too open, not safe for neither me nor others looking in. I know I usually don't have these sorts of posts, but I just saw someone in an anon saying how unstable their reality and they were after lurking in the community and it just.... its just so hard to see. Nobody deserves that sort of mental torture. Sometimes I forget that p-shifting actually can be dangerous to some if nobody teaches how important it is to regulate yourself, check in on yourself, and remember that p-shifting isn't for the faint of heart.

It's only for those who have spent so much time over years of their journey, exploring themselves, askong questions, taking breaks, questioning themselves so many times, and checking in, to finally be able to claim that they are able to p-shift. (There is so much more to it than that obviously.) My fourth year of shifting is coming up, and after so long I might be ready to leave the online community permanently and start my journey. (of physically shifting i mean. I spend more time teaching others rather than doing the practice itself right now lol. When i say p-shifting im trying to refer to the whole process, but really talking about the mental shifting and phantom shifting etc. Sorry if its been unclear, many know the whole community as "p-shifters" when in reality "p-shifters" are only those who havw actually preformed a p-shift. I havent yet in my conscious memory so i just call myself a shifter or nonhuman.)

Please be safe. Please, if you are curious about the p-shifting community, remember that it is a mixed bag and not for everyone. As always any community can be a mixed bag, but p-shifting "learning" communities can spiral and be too lax on the warnings and importance of these warnings.

Thats all. (make sure to read all tags fully too.)

[loregoddess]

When I complete Spirit of Justice, I want to know what you'd like to see in a possible Ace Attorney 7. I know you mentioned you had ideas sometime before and I'm almost at the point where nothing is a spoiler in this series. It's quite exciting! I'll probably have a few ideas of my own for the next entry too. Is it possible Capcom is gearing up for that, since Investigations 2 got localized? If so then... Well. I think I'll have something to look forward to. 💖

Oh definitely, I feel like the fact that Capcom's managed to port all of AA onto current consoles, and even both AAI games managed to make it globally (and significantly more accessible than they had been) gives me a lot of hope we get AA news sometime soon(ish). Capcom's been doing fairly well thanks to RE4 Remake from what I've heard, and the announcement of Okami 2 at the Game Awards was entirely unexpected (I had just assumed Okami was one of Capcom's one-hit wonders, given how Okamiden kinda flopped despite being a decent game in its own right, like Capcom more or less treated Okami like Ghost Trick, a really excellent and beloved game that will not be part of a longer series), so like? Anything's possible.

Now, for what I would like to see in a potential AA7...

The shortest answer possible to "what would I, personally, like to see in AA7" would be a resolution to the loose ends left by AA4 (and 5 and 6, but those loose ends are mostly only loose bc of the loose ends in 4). I want the Forbidden Gavin Backstory (and also for a certain character to get a chance to fucking grieve, and also for the whole Apollo and Trucy are siblings and Phoenix and Lamiroir haven't told them yet thing to uh, finally be resolved, and also for Athena to get some more time as a main character, and...a whole list of smaller things honestly). Realistically I think there's a slightly higher chance of the Lamiroir-Apollo-Trucy family dynamite being A Thing in 7, but this is Capcom and I know their basement is filled with unresolved plot lines and forgotten characters (from games other than AA as well).

But like, the vast majority of my time spent during the height of my AA obsession was going over AA4 trying to figure out what the resolution would have been if the writing team hadn't been changed drastically. Me and a friend of mine spent a ton of time discussing theories and swapping story ideas. So, needless to say, what I personally would be most interested in is the lost story threads surrounding Klavier (I was very, very unwell about him see).

Although there's bits and pieces from 5 and 6 I wouldn't mind expanded either (I'm still so miffed about Clay's death, I'm sorry have the writers seen what spacesuits are like? what they're made of? there's no way that teeny tiny little pathetic excuse of a pocket knife stabbed his heart through a spacesuit. Capcom fight me). AHEM, but realistically? After all these years like, I'm fine to neutral w/ whatever I was dissatisfied with in 5 and 6, there wasn't anything (aside from that stupid little pocket knife) that bothered me enough to stick around in my memory, or, if I do remember it, still bothers me vehemently.

Now, will Capcom return to old plotlines, or will they go batshit and try something new? Well, who knows. I'm a tangential fan to Capcom's Resident Evil series, and have watched RE roller coaster in terms of characters and plotline management, sometimes abandoning beloved characters, sometimes coming back to plot lines or characters no one remembered, so as far as I'm concerned, anything's fair game for any of their flagship series.

Now, I have a ton of documents (theories, notes, story and character ideas, etc.) from the height of my AA obsession circa 2017-18, which this ask prompted me to go and revisit to see what past me was up to, and found I actually wrote up several outlines for potential "AA7 stories" where I did basically just write in everything I personally want (in varying degrees of detail per case). But while I think I had good story outlines (actually I had a ton of fun reading the final outline I had labeled as "the best" and maybe I'll turn it into a whole fic if I ever decide to replay/watch the entire AA series so I can brush up on the lore and characterization), I know it's probably very far off from what we'll get for AA7 realistically.

And like? I'll probably be happy with whatever we do get, even if I don't get my long-desired resolution to AA4. It's been so long...

Anyhow, I'd also absolutely love to hear what you'd like to see in AA7, or just ideas for future AA stuff, once you finish AA6 (I will be very curious about your thoughts on the game as well). It's been a while since I talked AA, due mostly to burnout, but I still have a lot of love for the series, kinda remember the spark I used to have for it, and it's been fun getting a fresh perspective from your posts about your experience with the series.

[mariska]

sad progressive disability ramble under the read more sorry for using this blog as a public health diary again it's just been. A Lot. and i don't currently have the body strength to physically write in my journal with a pen/pencil

been like three days in a row now i think where i have been forcibly woken up because my left leg, specifically my calf and thighs and toes but mostly calf, went into a sudden severe So Painful That You Can't Even Scream About It And Just Kind Of Sob And Groan Involuntarily dystonia attack while i was still asleep and then it just continues lingering as really bad super tight muscle pain for the rest of the day even with the help of multiple prescription meds i have that very slightly help prevent another full-on dystonia attack. im so tired. its been like this for a very large portion of my life but it used to happen like once or twice a year before this year and now i'm getting lucky if it doesn't happen more than once a week. on top of the reproductive organ system pain that has gotten so bad this whole year too that i essentially no longer have any days in a month where i am not experiencing Extreme debilitating pain and cramps and am pretty much just On My Period in some part of the whole cycle thing 24/7.

i am like. im just. im too tired dude. i really think i've reached a point so far beyond any kind of pain threshold limit of what i can deal/live with at this point it's absolutely terrifying. i'm trying so so so hard to "take it one day at a time" but i can't even take it one hour at a time or 5 minutes at a time it feels like my body is legitimately completely failing on me. i wish i could remember what it felt like being somewhat less physically disabled when i was a kid thru my tweens and very early teens. that feels like a completely different person and life separated from my present day self now. i used to wake up without a nausea inducing headache sometimes. i can't even imagine what that must have been like.

genuinely sorry to be making bummer posts on here about my health decline, tried to tell myself yrs ago that i should probably not do that cause i truly do not want to make anyone else feel miserable reading my life updates that are very much not positive and filled with health related fear. it's just like. god, ok, im sorry again in advance i don't mean for this to sound at all defeatist or completely pessimistic, but in a purely logical This Is Just What Every Day Of Life Has Been For Me way i feel like i'm running out of time. in general. in life. very specifically because of how fast everything has declined with my health this whole year and the past few months specifically. i keep going to sleep whenever im able to in the middle of the night feeling absolutely terrified that my body will just suddenly fail on me totally while i'm sleeping and i'll just die. i cannot stress enough how much I Do Not Want That To Happen To Me At The Age Of 27 but like. wtf am i supposed to do. about all of this. im already doing the max of whatever i can, i have dr's appointments scheduled as scared as i am about actually going to them for multiple reasons, i have medications prescribed to me that do help a bit with my more muscle and connective tissue related pain problems, im trying so hard to keep it together (mostly for my moms honestly because they love me and care about me way more than i love or care about myself but thats just The Severe Clinical Depression speaking or whatever) but it doesn't matter because my body refuses to try with me anyways. i am. so. tired. i don't think any amount of rest or naps or sleep will ever improve how tired i feel all the time ever again truly. i think its just This Tired And Exhausted And Burned Out Forever Now. i am. indescribably sad.

[all-seeing-ifer]

Saying this with full awareness that this is so, so low down on the ranking of Bad Things About Angel Season 4, and tbh if the season as a whole was good this wouldn't even be an actual grievance it would probably just be another silly buffyverse plot hole that we can point and giggle at. But I've been trying to figure out the actual chronology of the season (for fic reasons) and I think this is actually going to be my cause of death.

Like ok. Generally speaking the narrative of the Buffyverse shows is told roughly in real time, with each episode taking place around the episode's real life air date. Even the more heavily serialised season 7 of Buffy (THIS IS A SURPRISE TOOL THAT WILL HELP US LATER) roughly follows this kind of timeline. It has enough direct references to the passage of time, such as the start of the school year, christmas etc. for us to plot that out. Even when it gets more serialised in the second half, it still feels like there's plenty of dead space in between episodes where they're just training the potentials, trying to make a plan to fight the First, and so on.

Then we have Angel season 4. Now, we know that "Deep Down" takes place three months after "Tomorrow", which assuming that "Tomorrow" is set somewhere around its May airdate, puts "Deep Down" in around August/September 2002. We also know that "Home" takes place at the same time as "End of Days"/"Chosen", which take place in around May 2003. Meaning that season 4 takes place over the course of about nine months.

HOWEVAR. In "Players" Gunn states that everything from "Apocalypse, Now-ish" up until that episode (which is about half the season) has happened over the course of "a couple of weeks". Which raises the question, where the fuck did the rest of the time go? The most obvious solution would probably be to say that Jasmine was just in charge of LA for way longer than the month it took for those episodes to air, but nope! "Orpheus" has to happen between the Buffy episodes "Lies My Parents Told Me" and "Dirty Girls" on account of Willow's cameo, and "Dirty Girls" really marks the point in season 7 where the one-to-one real-world/in-show timeline breaks down (as it often does towards the end of a season) and everything from that point onwards seems to happen over the course of about a week tops.

And saying that the first six episodes of season 4 are just spread out over a longer period of time also only gets you so far, because all the episodes from "House Always Wins" to "Apocalypse, Now-ish" follow pretty directly on from each other. Which means the only way to make it make sense is if either a) the first three episodes of season 4 are spread out over like. six months. or b) "Tomorrow" actually happens way later than its real life airdate, which I guess is possible - I don't think there's any in-show evidence that is has to happen around the same time as the Dark Willow arc - but does mean that now the whole season 3 timeline is a bit fucked up.

And to be clear I probably wouldn't care about this at all if it weren't for the fact that the Buffyverse timeline is normally extremely one-to-one and extremely easy to follow, and then Angel season 4 is like a fucking hydrogen bomb just destroying the whole thing

[verfound]

MINIFIC: Oct. 23: Day 7: Cats & Bats (MLB, Lukanette, DLM AU)

For @lovebugs-and-snakecharmers October Minific Challenge 2023.

Read on Ao3

To Feel Alive Again: Day 7: Cats & Bats

“…twinkle, twinkle, little bat,” Luka sang despondently, staring at the same water spot on the ceiling that he’d been staring at for a few hours now.  His fingers moved almost listlessly over his guitar, picking out the rudimentary tune he’d learned so many years ago now.  It had probably been the very first song he’d actually learned, back when he was still in diapers and his ma had first placed a guitar in his grubby hands.  It was so deeply ingrained in his bones by this point.  He should be able to play it in his sleep.

…he hadn’t actually touched his guitar in a while, though.  Years.  Not since Mendeleiev had fished him out of the ocean after his dad’s plane had gone down.

He’d never actually thought he’d get to play with the old man.  Jagged had never owned him in life, and Luka had always tried to avoid the livelier circles in death.  It was easier that way, not mingling with the living.  Keeping your connections to that world sparse.  Getting to reap Jagged Stone – posing as his guitarist and playing with him on what would become his last plane ride – had been…surreal.  Definitely unexpected.  A gift he still wasn’t sure he was grateful for, even all these years later.

It had also been the last straw – or string, if you would.

Luka had replaced the strings the saltwater had warped, stuck Claire II in the corner of his room, and hadn’t touched her since.

“How I wonder what you’re at,” he sighed, his fingers stilling on the strings again.  It had been too long.  The willingness to play – the need – was there, but his fingers were so damn stiff.  He’d been at it for a few hours now, ever since he’d come home from…well.  His job, technically.  Because he’d dropped Pip off and gone straight to his reap, and that song that had been teasing at his mind since he’d seen Marinette at that café still hadn’t left him alone.

…it had been teasing him a lot longer than that, if he was honest.  He was just…usually better at ignoring it.  He was usually better at ignoring a lot of things these days.

“Luka Couffaine’s just a big ol’ softie…”

Maybe Marinette was right.  Maybe he was going soft.

It had just been too much today, though, so after a quick shower he had sat down with a notebook and tried to scribble down some notes.  They had been a jumbled, confused mess, though.  Nothing had sounded right, and thinking that was because paper sounded like nothing at all he had gone to retrieve his guitar.  It had been so out of tune, though, and then he’d felt too rusty to produce anything coherent, so he’d just…dropped back on his couch, staring at the ceiling as he ran through basic drills.  Rudimentary songs.

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat, how I wonder what you’re at…

“Oh, Luuuukaaaaa!”

He jumped, nearly dropping his guitar at the sudden pounding on his door.  He glared as the annoying voice called again, still dragging his name out.  Fucking Théo.

In some ways, the guy made him think of his old best friend.  In all the ways that grated on him with not enough of the ways that mattered.

“What the hell do you want?” he groused, rubbing at his eyes as he opened the door.  Théo grinned at him from the other side.  It took Luka a moment to realize he was holding a black cat to his chest: it blended in to his sweater almost completely, save for the white patch on its belly.  “And what the hell are you doing with that?”

“What?” Théo asked, frowning.  “You’re a dog walker.  Can’t I be a cat walker?”

“…that’s not a thing,” Luka said, his eyebrows lifting above where he was pinching at his sinuses.  “That sounds so dumb, Théo.  Who the hell would want a cat walker?”

“You have your side hustles,” Théo scoffed, slapping a yellow post-it against his chest.  Luka’s eyebrow rose as he glanced down at it.  “Let me have mine.  Ladies love cats, I’ll have you know.”

“They love cats,” Luka said, looking at the post-it.  Early morning reap tomorrow – scheduled before breakfast.  Well, at least that cleared up the rest of his day.  “They don’t love you.”

“You wound me, Couffaine,” Théo sniffed.  “And here I am, doing you a favor, making sure you don’t miss your – oi!”

Luka slammed the door in his face, cutting him off.  He turned around and leaned against the door, staring at the post-it.  The address was close to Fred and Marinette’s.  Maybe he could swing by after.  Catch them on the way to breakfast.  Walk with he…them.

“It’s bad manners, Luka!” Théo snapped.  Luka rolled his eyes and thumped his fist against the door.

“Fuck off, Barbot!”