#its not like i WANT to die im too scared for that but im also too scared to do any real living so whats the point
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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#??????????????????#????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#i dont know what to doooooooooooo i dont know what to do w my life.....#i dont wanna go to college im way too stupid for that and also its insane like#im scared i dont like anything enough to make it worth it. not even biology#thats like 5 years idk and i fucking hate school.... i think id kill myself if i had to go back to somerhing remotely similar#idk thats scary.....#my plan b was getting a job and i rlly tried but im a pussy . i only started to go out and do stuff like last year. and im an adult !!#i feel like i fucked something up at some point in my life cuz like this is insane#im stuck in limbo. like theres something wrong and its not the autism#bites a cinderblock bites a cinderblock#man im so fucking scared everyday i feel like im going insane . i cant even imagine me doing anything#theres something wrong w me cuz thats like not normal . i dont wanna die in my bed but everything else scares me#fucked up if true#uh#vent#its funny af tagging my posts w vent but i tag them so u can block them or whatever#FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK IF ONLY REDBULL ACTUALLY DID SHIT TO ME . THEN ID BE FIXED#FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I JUST WANT AN ENERGY DRINK THAT WORKS PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE PLEASE GOD#PLEASE PEKASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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#cw vent#maybe i stayed up too late but suddenly i feel like crying#like really badly#i tried very hard today#but im still so scared#of everything#im being watched. i am absolutely sure im being watched#i can feel somebodys presence over my shoulder now and they can probably read what im typing#its been like this for so long#and#as im typing this it has been the sixteenth of juky for about two hours#twenty two hours left until my birthday#i will be sixteen#that is scaring me so much#i haven't progressed since i was maybe eleven#i still can't take care of mysekf. i shouldn't ve admitting to this but i genuinely can't do basic actions#i constantly forget to keep my body in a safe state. my hair is so messy. i get tok focused on other stuff and most of the time i just#forget to shower#i am genuinely so disgusting and unhygienic. i know this and want to fix it#but also.. i just wish i was like just an internet person#if i didn't have to eat or maintain my body i think id be a much happier person#im scared#how can i possibly be turning 16. i haven't even learnt how to eat food yet#most meals i can't eat without gagging or feeling like vomiting#i don't know why im typing all this out#for a while i was okay with it being my birthday soon. because i thought i would finally get attention and love from others#but im starting to realise that probably will not be happening#:[#why am i typing this out. my head hurts#and im gonna die
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I made some bunbys + design notes
No idea what I wanna do with them, I was just mainly having fun. They're siblings because of course they are. I might wanna try to draw them as anthros and as regular bunnies too later,, also I thought it'd be fun to name them very typical bunny names
#i like them#i want to make them suffer kind of. maybe. probably#also the curse of making sibling characters when you have a sibling for me is that they always end up just being me and my sister combined#into two weird little guys#in terms of personality and dynamic#anyways i was thinking of having angel die because#having ur older sibling you heavily rely on and admire ripped away from you has always been kind of interesting for me to explore in ocs#for no reason at all haha. totally#ANYWAYS#cinnamon's natural hair color is probably close to the brown markings on her fur. or maybe its both of her pattern colors. not sure#murl draws#murls ocs#oc#artists on tumblr#original character#art#my art#i hate tags wtf else do i put#bunny#sure whatever#dont ask me where their bunny feet begin and their human legs end. i dont know..#i gained too much knowledge abt bunny breeds whioe choosing what to make them btw#i like french lops bc they were made from breeding english lops w flemish giants apparently#and flemish giants freak me out in a fascinating sorta way#a rabbit should NOT be massive dude. what the hell. im scared
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there's a point at which someone's fear of being a dick wraps back around to them just being a dick anyways
#im side-eyeing those who reblogged my post on ethnocentrism and missed the point#but im also thinking about the tags i saw on being too scared to comment on fic#the first is being ~too scared~ to write cultures other than their own#(1. my point was people should be learning *as they watch the show* not just when they write#2. i just. jfC. stop saying youre too scared to *try* to write from another culture/POV different from your own as tho its a *good* thing)#the second is just annoying/frustrating because being too scared to participate in community is how community's die#i dont want to be dismissive of cancel culture because i do know the stories and there is always indv cases of a person ready to be a dick#but like. its just *not* a thing most people have to be worried about. very likely you're just not big enough to have that concern.#anxiety's no joke but like. u dont just accept the anxiety as the excuse. you have to challenge it. i've been there but u cant feed it.#and i dont want to sound dismissive of that anxiety but im really frustrated with seeing people throw that excuse around#without considering how their fear-based attitudes/actions come off in turn#such as not showing fandom creatives any appreciation for fear of saying the ~wrong~ thing#which comes off as creatives' stuff seeming to be ignored completely or otherwise very discouraging silence#when the only rule for tags/comments is to treat others the way you wish to be treated and apologize if you accidentally tread a toe#and being more worried about accidentally stepping on a theoretical persons toe than interested in showing actual people gratitude#like? pretty sure im not the only one side-eyeing that like ''have u really considered this feeling/logic????''#again: its not saying that anxiety isnt a dick or easy to dismiss but i am saying maybe challenge it or at least reflect on it#i just#blahh#the commenting thing is way more mild than the other but tags arent for that conversation and i need a much better brain space for that one
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its like im a sailor and i hear the most beautiful voice in the world. i follow it to a siren who looks demonic and hungry, so i sail away. but then i hear the beautiful voice again and surely THIS TIME it won’t be an evil creature who wants to devour me. so i sail back and the hungry siren is still waiting. so i sail away. but get this. i’m hearing the voice again
#HE KEEPS TEXTING ME AND IM TOO SCARED TO REPLY OR BLOCK HIM 😭#im under some kind of thrall. i hate this man. hes been making me feel like this for six years#i miss him tho :( i also want him to die#im trying to rationalize that im mourning what could have been and not what was#ik its less of a love for him and more of what could have been but man. rationalizing doesnt make me feel rational#i think i need to be put down
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me: okay we need to clean
stupid brain: i dont want to clean i only want to look at fish
me: if we clean we can get more fish
stupid brain: GO GO GO LETS CLEAN LETS GO
#petco has their tank sale rn...#got a 10 gal for a betta and a 20 long for an eventual river setup with hillstream loachies#i have a 10 gal in backup already but its got so much crust on it i think it's better off as a quarantine tank#i mean. at least if the replacement is 12$ thats like less than i bought that tank USED from a neighborhood store lol#ok wait no i think i got it for 10. but anyway. new tnak for almost the same price as an old crusty one#ive been scouring fb marketplace for used tanks and its hard finding one without some sort of drawback#anyway i listened to fish history while i cleaned im just going to use this hyperfixation to my advantage while its in the forefront#ive had aquarium hyperfixation come and go several times now so i think its safe to say itll be a recurring fixture#and therefore its safe to actually get tanks and not worry about dropping it later#this is all after a shrimp disaster...im just determined to do things better#also panicking bc i have 200000 scuds in my shrimp tank and i need something that eats them STAT#i dont mind the scuds and i dont rlly wanna just kill them but my shrimp just had a massive die off and i dont want them competing rn#my poor shrimpies ):#dont leave veggies in the tank for too long. even if they are tiny#also clean the tank BEFORE the shrimps have their babies and ur too scared to clean#also. have a backup air pump for the filter#you can see the series of events that went wrong ):#dullblogging
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girl why is EVERYONE being cavalier about this. i just found out i literaly was sitting 3 feet across from someone who was symptomatic with covid for 2 hours yesterday. she was masked and i was wearing an n95 but that is not a guarantee that i didn’t get it. I was exposed 30ish hours ago but if i got it it hasn’t incubated yet probably so i May n out be symptomatic yet but i could be. and my family who made my life a LIVING HELL back in 2020 and 2021 over being afraid i would give them covid suddenly don’t give a single shit about it when this is the most significant way i have ever been exposed. they think im being irrational and don’t habe patience for me panicking over it and not wanting to go be around them and act like everything is normal. um maybe im panicking for good fucking reason because i don’t want to get you sick and i don’t want to be sick myself? like someone please tell me im not fucking crazy im about to lose my shit
#purrs#i shut myself in the bathroom when i found out and its been an hour and i haven’t come out and i don’t want to. like why would i fucking do#that. im scared shitless why is your reaction to say im being too much this isn’t an irrational mental illness fear this is LITERALLY covid.#like what the fuck. i know i have reasons to be confident i don’t have it but i also have reasons to act like i do and take every#precaution. why are YOU of all people making me feel like shit for wanting to protect you. lol#delete later#like it’s bad enough that no one cares about covid anymore and i feel like a freak every day for still caring about it and being scared of i#it now when i do actually get exposed it isn’t a big deal to anyone but me. ok. do you want me to get dizzy again and pass out and die. do#YOU want to die. because that’s kinda what we’re risking right now as small as that risk may be. like we dont know what causes long covid an#and i dont want to find out by being the unlucky person who gets it or by being the reason someone i love suffers for the rest of their life
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BARBIE MOVIE AND PIKMIN 4 BEING RELEASED ON THE SAME DAY I J REALIZED THAT I MIGHT ACTUALLY EXPLODE INTO A MILLION PEICESSS OMFGG !!!
#AHH OMFG IM SO EXICTED FOR BOTH OF THEM I MIGHT DIE#also was rly worried i wldnt be able to see the barbie movie in cinemas#but my cousins will b in the uk at the time so i can go with them an have my uncle take us or smth#tbh the biggest issue was tht it wldnt b appropriate for my sister and im not fucking asking my dad to go take me to the barbie movie#(mum doenst do cinemas but im not fucking asking her regardless)#but that solved that teehee#IM SO HYPE im gonna go see the movie and then stay im my room going pikmin mode for 14 days straight#also relaszed today that within the span of four days across the spiderverse is releasing i have the anniversy of a rly traumatic incident#and i have an exam so thats. funn !!! •__•#idk if im going to see spiderverse 2 when it comes out tho i would want too#and its beore the exam so its not like an issue of being ditsracted by like. wanting to go see it right after the exam#(bc i was rly scared tht wld b an issue w tears of the kingdom but i i dont have any exams that day)#but its more of a thing of. hmm i dont tend to do well around the time of that anniversy.#and my exam is like. the day after hhmmghfg. thats so greattt#idk well like. i cant do anything about that ig. might explode into a million peices /neg over that#whatever i will have to b a little baby and b like heyy can u guys be extra rly rly niceys to me pleaseee 2 my friends abt it#bc tht might help. bc the power of freindship love can do anything hashtag mlp. whateverss#flappy rambles#ask 2 tag
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After almost 17 literal years, I'm finally planning to buy myself a new computer. Just waiting to get my income tax money in March. The dinosaur is still in decent working condition, but it's time to let her rest. She's served me very well over the past decade and a half, and it's going to be the hardest thing giving her up. But at this point it's time to upgrade
#tbh I really dont want to but Im tired of being scared that ''todays the day she doesnt work anymore'' each time I press the power button#and I've had to keep buying accessories to make my pc function like a normal one#the best example is the little internet router I had to buy to connect to the internet without the ethernet cable being plugged in#and the mini dvd player I needed to download the driver for said router because the player built into my pc doesn't work anymore#also my copy of windows 7 on the pc 'isn't genuine'' as the notifications always say so that causes issues#and my datemate's new drawing tablet isn't compatible with my dinosaur for basically no considerable reason other than that#so yeah its time to upgrade#now I could get a laptop. however they die too quickly for my liking/are too fragile#so I'm going to get another tower#aiming to get one with a lit of storage space so I can animate and do video edits#and so I can play games#like webkinz lmao#literally the whole time I've had my pc webkinz never ran properly on it. always takes FOREVER to load any aspect of the site#other sites it has no trouble with#and other computers never had trouble running webkinz#but my pc does#so now I can pkay that game again#and I can finally use my steam account to play more age appropriate stuff as well#sam's rants about life
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god i am not doing well
#its hard for me to even type this shit out because it scares me to acknowledge it#ive written a lot and deleted it over and over because it makes it too real#but to be honest i cant imagine a future for myself#its not like i WANT to die im too scared for that but im also too scared to do any real living so whats the point#im not gonna do anything. of course im not gonna do anything#i just wish i could give shit about myself in a way other than just terror at the thought of dying#i know im capable of it ive had great times andmade great progress in the last few years. i know i have#i cant remember it exacly now but i know ive felt better#but ive lost a lot of progress i feel like#and i knowwww i know its not linear like that its not REALLY like im 14 again but it feels like it#my meds havent fully kicked in yet. once they do it will get easier#it has to
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Had a very bad day Gotta eat gravel
#had to work a shift with only one other coworker and we were in this same position last weekend too and so like last time#he had this Moment where like as we locked up he was yelling very frustratedly about an annoying customer#which is fair but lol we dont know each other well enough for him to yell and rant like that to me like i get it but#god i hate yelling and just felt like shit and wanted to die#then tonight i was legitimately kinda scared cuz uh liiike. he had a lot more little Moments#i think like some kid dropped something and it broke and he had to clean it up and he got frustrated#and like. went in the back where the custom framing shit is and there was loud banging with a hammer and glass shattering#and he went back and did this multiple times and customers heard it too and were like uhhh 😰#i was already in a bad mood coming in and this really didnt help its honestly a miracle i didnt start having a meltdown#i guess ive just had to deal with so many man babies at home that all i can do is look at them like a disappointed parent and ask if they#would like me to take them to daycare#so yeah that was fun i uh dont like this guy hes always wearing very cutesy clothes and all i can think of is the bit where its like#‘there is nothing little about your things’#also i got money problems and keep getting fast food cuz i got eating problems and theres not much here i can eat and obviously#buying food so much wastes money so i was gonna try to make a sandwich today and like we dont have half the shit needed#and the bread was moldy obviously and theres so many bugs in the house cuz ive been too busy to clean and my sister was here#and the cat is here and my mom does everything wrong and then i spilled water everywhere and everything just went wrong#im also in a horrible place mentally doing so so bad so unbelievably stressed rn#just like. im repressing very bad and literally procrastinating having feelings like everything is going so wrong but i cant feel bad#because i dont have time for that so ill feel bad later when i escape which surely will happen someday ahahaha fuuuck#dont know whats real anymore maybe ive made everything up maybe the abuse is just me being dramatic maybe im the worst child in the world
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Cat Tumblr Dashboard Simulator
🖋️ meowful-musings Follow
🕊️ birdwatching Follow
what's wrong with dry food??? my humans feed me it all the time and i think it's fine
💀 elusivehider-deactivated948204
op wheres the natural feeding option
🌲 outdoorsy Follow
you guys are getting fed?
#im a barn cat so maybe im missing something here #meowtthew don't look
7,192 notes
☀️ pawsitive-affurmations Follow
ITS OKAY TO BE A MOGGIE
ITS OKAY TO BE A MOGGIE
YOU ARE NOT LESS VALID IF YOU ARE NOT A SPECIFIC PEDIGREE!!!!!
☀️ pawsitive-affurmations Follow
extra special shout out to cats who have "common" coat colors. grey tabbies and black cats i am rubbing against your head affectionately <3
🪤 m0usetrap01 Follow
as a grey tabby i really needed to hear this :"3
#i feel like i never see positivity posts for moggies even tho we're the most common type of cat....
154,688 notes
🎵 rage-against-the-meowchine Follow
i cant believe there are cats ACTUALLY advocating for kittens to be separated from their mothers before 12 weeks??? kittens still need to learn how to interact with other cats before being placed into their furever home omg you guys know you're advocating for undersocialized and aggressive cats right
❤️ loving-paws284 Follow
um op some of us??? matured early??????? i was separated from my mother at 7 weeks and i turned out fine... interesting how you assume that kittens being separated from their mothers at a younger age will lead to the degeneracy of the next generation...hmm i wonder where i've heard that before...
🐈 fluffy-the-cat Follow
OP got bit too hard during a play-fight as a kitten and it shows XD
🐟 tunafeesh Follow
also op have you ever considered that just because somecat is kind of scared and unable to deal with strange cats or humans, it doesn't mean they don't deserve to be adopted?? you sound like a vet psyop honestly
🎵 rage-against-the-meowchine Follow
oh meow god saying that kittens should be fully weaned before leaving their mother is NOT veterinarian rhetoric and i never said that they deserve to be euthanized!!! my mother literally died when i was 3 weeks old and it seriously messed up my development so stop putting words in my mouth, thanks
anyway friendly reminder that underweaned kittens are prone to illness and often struggle with basic cat behaviors like litterbox usage, and in some nyavinces it's even considered kitten abuse
#discourse #cant believe "kitten abuse is bad" is controversial now
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🍃 naturalliving Follow
BORN TO DIE
WORLD IS A FUCK
猫神 Kill Em All 1989
I am trash cat
410,757,864,530 DEAD BIRDS
#outdoorliving #outdoorcats please interact #outdoorcat friendly
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🎣 salmonpurina Follow
can't believe cats are uncritically reblogging that born to die world is a fuck post. i know it's funny but op is literally an outdoor cat truther
#like cmon now you just have to go to their blog #lulu speaks
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💀 tabbystripes-deactivated098712
gentle reminder that pushing cups off the table is not cute and can cause a lot of distress in your human!!!! gentle reminder that our teeth and claws can easily hurt them more than they can hurt us!!!!
🐰 evil-tabbystripes Follow
evil reminder that the cup should always be pushed off the table. evil reminder that you should always bite and claw at your human no matter what. you can do whatever you want forever
💀 tabbystripes-deactivated098712
make your own pawst
💀 laser-point-deactivated8574721
umm i know a tomcat who did that and his human ended up putting him down so...
👬🏻 nyasunaruenjoyer Follow
Nyaverage shelter cat behavior
#not nyaruto #re-nyab #pickles shut up
545,460 notes
🌈 nyaoi-warrior Follow
saw two male cats sleeping together on the porch today. homeow behavior imo
💡 discourse-meows Follow
hey um what the fuck??? it's really not okay of you to go assuming other cat's sexualities, especially cats you don't even know???? as a queer cat i'm VERYY uncomfortable. real-ass cats didn't consent to your nyaoi fetish, thanks
🌈 nyaoi-warrior Follow
1. i was making. a joak
2. i'm literally gay???
#literally what's your pawblem
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🎩 amazingcatshow12 Follow
reblog if you've ever caught the laser pointer
🎩 amazingcatshow12 Follow
i know you fuckers are lying
🍭 gaykittens Follow
this tom hasn't caught the laser pointer
🎩 amazingcatshow12 Follow
shut the heull up
988,653 notes
🐾 b-e-a-n-t-o-e-s Follow
grey toebeans >>>>>>>>> pink toebeans and don't let the haters make you believe otherwise
🐁 ladymouser Follow
op shut the fuck up ALL toebeans are beautiful!!! just bc you're miserable and insecure doesn't mean you can bring others down based on things they can't control
🐾 b-e-a-n-t-o-e-s Follow
oh so the cat-human separationist wants to preach to us
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maybe i WILL get to move back home
#the bin#i talked to my mom and things might go ok but idk#i just have to wait and see but i desperately hope i can move. i need to see a doctor so bad. my whole body feels horrible all the time#and my tooth has gotten so much worse. i can deal with it if thres an end date. i cant deal with it indefinitely. and i cant afford to get#it fixed without insurance. i would rather die than deal with this shit for another however long i have to i CAN NOT do that#esp bc i would need to go to work while experiencing it. idk. im shaky literally ALL the time and my insides alwyas hurt and my joints#hurt so much too. and half the time im at work my chest hurts and i cant see straight. i cant fuckin do this anymorew.#apparently my dad might be getting a new job so their landlord might be more willing to renew but idk. she said she should know on april 1st#which isnt that far away but idk. i mean. its not impossible theyll renew. who knows. i hope so.#i know at keast thst i have a way to get there if there is a place for me to live so thats good. my health cant take this anymore. and im#also not able to emotionally. idk what other option i have but. god. its hard enough as is. im having like a perpetual panic attack since i#found out i probs wont get to move. im tryna be optimistic. i dont think im physically capable of staying here any longer#it was hard enough to stay herenthis extra yearm ive been having breakdowns repeatedly over it. and my physical health keeps worsening#i miss my little sister. i wanna be able to see the people i care about. theres so few people in the world i enjoy being around and i dont#get to see them ever. instead i have to see my second least favorite person in the world in order to even just get groceries#hhhh. i want the time to pass so i can know for sure but i also desperately dont wnat it to cause im so scared itll be bad news#whatever. i will hope and believe that itll work out until i know that it wont. hhhhh. worst case scenario i guess ill just have to save up#and figure out moving there later on but like. i was really happy to NOT have to worry abt rent or working so i could focus on my health and#then i could go back that that stuff. oh well
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I reached fuxkinf 30 tags 😭
the way he’s shaking oh my god kit he’s so nervous i actually feel like crying just — that whole interaction, the laugh, the tears; everything is so vividly thick with emotion oh my GOD
And he cracks a small smile thinking he might cry too?! OH baby i am 😭😭 then he fucking says it ‘you told me to do it scared’ GOOOOOD KIT THAT FUXKING CALLBACK 😭😭 WHAT IT MEANS 😭😭 how he’s listened to you all this time, how he’s carried that lesson with him for YEARS 😭😭
So he’s asking u to marry him scared. That you’d say no. That he’s stutterz godgodgodgodgod *head in hands*
and when reader asks have you asked me ? And he’s like, he was gonna have a speech THEN GETS CHOKED UP ABT IT ARE U SRS RN I THINK IM IN LOVE W HIM 😭😭😭😭 and he’s like ‘maybe ill have to save it for later’ oh GOOOD he rlly would do that. I think he’s just so the type to prepare these things and have it all he thrown to the side in the last minute 😭
And its so real so true. You not needing anything else but just him asking it. To hear him say it. Ih god the devotion
And and and an ddint even get me started when he takes your hand, still shaky, runs his thumb across ur ring finger 🥺 dont eeeeven get me started there ill cry aksmdkdnn and he says ‘ok ill do it’ oh my fod biggest dork ever i love him
GET ON WITH IT HAJIME 😭😭😭😭
Then he kisses where the ring would be 😭🥺😭😭 then looks up at you even while youre scared 😭😭😭 will you marry me murmured into your knuckles oh my god ig my gohs skisbssinsiensincjrnd im gonna pass oUTTTG
Holding himself uprigjt to kiss u properly? Oh i would rusjsjdjdjdjdndn
And their banTER AFTER. How he places the rinf on you. THE BAAAANTERRRRR
His eyes are so soft that you knkw theyre for you <- ARE U KIDDING ME RN . RU FUCKING KIDDING ME RN 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 im waging wars for him . Flinging myself across the ocean
KIIIIIT I LOVED THIS SO MICH as you can tell lol im barely coherent but like . I loved this so much i have no words
you told me to do it scared
Iwaizumi was sixteen when he lost all of his fear.
He doesn’t really remember exactly what it was that the two of you were talking about, or when, but he remembers how his voice echoed in the alleyway home — the shortcut, he called it.
Iwaizumi remembers rambling and he remembers that you let him; you were never one to cut him off. He was a good listener, as it could be especially hard to get a word in around people like his group of friends, but you?
Around you? He couldn’t shut up.
He was rambling on and on about something — he forgets what, but it was big for his sixteen-year-old self. Nerve-wracking.
“Are you done?” he remembers you asking, side-eyeing him as you walked.
“Uh, yeah. I’m done.”
“Great. What are you even worried about, Hajime?”
(He still doesn’t know what. It turns out that you were right, and it was so insignificant that he can’t even remember what was bothering him to this day.)
“I don’t know. Rejection. Failure—“
“Oh, please,” you scoffed. “Yes, because Hajime Iwaizumi is known for failing.”
He furrowed his brows. “Don’t be mad that I’m nervous.”
“Scared, Haji.”
“I’m not—“
(You gave him a look and he shut his mouth.)
“So what?” he asked then, dropping his hands in his pockets. You never really knew why he was so good with you, why he talked so much — you never dared question it. “How do I get over it and just do it?”
You smile, shaking your head.
“You don’t get over it. You do it scared.”
“What?”
“Fake it ‘til ya make it, Haji.”
(Iwaizumi doesn’t remember what he did, but he knows he did it terrified; he did it well, too. Passed the test, won the game, cleared the hurdle, got the job. Whatever it was.)
Iwaizumi was sixteen when he lost all of his fear. He’s twenty-eight when it all comes crawling back.
By now, he’s more than a decade older with a bunch of fearlessness under his belt, from spiders put back outside to funny noises in the yard. He’s carding his fingers through your hair on the couch you both picked out, and he hasn’t been this scared in a really, really long time.
(Probably not since you told him that he just needed to do it.)
Iwaizumi is scared because, for the first time in the three months he’s been carrying your ring in his pocket, he really wants to fucking give it to you.
He’s always wanted to — no shit, it’s why he bought it — but tonight is the first time he wants to ask you. He doesn’t just want to picture it on your finger, he wants to feel it against his hand when he holds yours.
The same movie you’ve seen four times plays on the TV. You’re leaned right against him; your eyes are heavy, you’ve yawned a few times.
Half of him wants to do it, half of him knows it’s late.
It’s just — it’s you in his shirt, in his sweatpants, in his arms. He has been yours for way too long to not have done this sooner, but neither of you have ever been in a rush to do anything.
Until now, half past midnight on your long weekend and all he wants to do is plan a wedding.
Iwaizumi can’t even sit in his imagination for long, because soon enough you’re sitting up with a look of confusion and you’re lifting his hoodie up, putting a hand over his heart.
“What?” he says, half a breath and half a laugh.
You look … concerned. He can’t tell whether he thinks it’s cute or distressing. “You don’t feel that?”
“Feel what?”
“Hajime, your heart is racing.”
“Is it?” he asks. He sets his hand beside yours. “Nope, don’t feel it.”
You roll your eyes, yanking his sweater back down as you sit at his side. “Well, something is making you two steps away from arresting right here. Spill before I call an ambulance.”
“It’s nothing, seriously. Watch the movie, will you?”
“But I’m nosy, damnit. Don’t you know me at all?”
God, so fucking well. Somehow, not well enough. Tell me more. Tell me everything I already know.
“It’s nothing!”
“Hajime,” you say, and finally your voice is stern. “Whatever you want to say, you know I could never be mad at you for it.”
Iwaizumi takes a deep breath. The box in his pocket feels like it’s made of fucking lead.
“I—“
“Stop. It.”
(He does. He stands up instead.)
“Okay, wait,” you start again, “I didn’t mean leave.”
“Give me a second, damn,” he groans, dusting off his pants, checking it’s still there. Of course it’s still there, but if it wasn’t, this would be bad.
Iwaizumi knows you deserve a thousand flowers and a candle-lit beach, and maybe he’ll give you both. But he’s neck-deep and the water is rising; it’s now or within the next hour, really.
“Hey, are you alright? You’re pale,”
“I’m fine,” he reassures you. Iwaizumi kneels in front of the couch.
“Hajime,” you say again, face contorted in worry. “Seriously, are you—?”
You don’t just trail off, you jump off the road.
In one of his hands is a box. A small one, fitting for a ring. His other hand rests on your knee.
“Are you—“
“—dead serious? Yeah,” he says, sounding way less strong than he looks. “I am.”
He opens the little box, showing you what’s inside. It’s in your colour, a pretty diamond glistening beneath the warm light of your table lamp and the movie. You swear you even mentioned that shape once, probably years ago.
“No,”
“Yeah,” he says, “yes.”
“Are you serious?” you whisper, feeling your tears jerk to the surface, rimming your eyes. You rest a hand on his.
He’s shaking.
“Hajime,” you laugh, wiping a hand under your eye. “You’re shaking.”
He sighs.
“I know,” he nods. Iwaizumi cracks a small smile — he thinks he might cry, too. “You told me to do it scared.”
Your brows furrow and unfurrow in the matter of a few seconds. Yeah, you did say that.
(You were sixteen and talking about less major things, but you did say that.)
“So I’m doing it,” he finishes. “Scared.”
“Scared of what?”
He shrugs. “That I’d stutter when I ask you to marry me. Or that you’d say no.”
You smile. “Have you asked me?”
“Not yet. I was gonna make a speech, but I,” he slows. He stops — he has to, he’s getting choked up. “I might have to save it for later.”
“I don’t want a speech, I wanna hear you say it.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” he says. Iwaizumi takes your hand in his shaking hold, his thumb swiping over the top of your ring finger. “I’m gonna do it now.”
“Get on with it, Hajime.”
You’re unmistakably excited.
Iwaizumi kisses where the ring will be if you tell him yes. Scared and all, he looks up at you.
(He speaks the words you’ve been waiting for into your skin. Will you marry me? murmured into your knuckles.
You don’t even tell him yes. Not coherently, anyway.)
You throw yourself into his chest and he has to hold himself up against the coffee table behind him to kiss you upright.
“Yes,” you answer again, over and over. “Even if you were scared to ask.”
“It just means I love you, doesn’t it?” he murmurs, taking your hand and moving it back in front of him. He slips your ring onto your finger. “Just scared on the off chance you were gonna spit in my face—“
“Shut up,”
“Hey, don’t talk to your fiancé like that.” Iwaizumi hesitates, looking up from the ring to your face. His eyes are so soft that you know they’re for you. “That has a ring to it, doesn’t it?”
“Fiancé,” you repeat. Husband to be.
“Yeah. That does sound pretty good, doesn’t it?”
“Just imagine how I think fiancée sounds, honey.”
“And look — you didn’t even stutter.”
“Oh, come o—“
“Careful what you say, now. Happy fiancée, happy life, Hajime.”
“I don’t think that’s the saying, but okay.”
note; tagging @shotorus because this is your man :3 happy late birthday sel!
#pls read this#hq!!#hajime#oh my god kit. oh my god. KIT. the way i cried reading this. and for u to dedicate this to me too oh my god im actually BAWLINGN#the title alone has me by the throat i swear to god!!!!!! i love premises like that.#him rambling and you let him? oh my heart cant take this cANNOT and the idea of exceptions !!! of acting diff around you oh GOD#how he’s a listener w his friends but w you wont shut up ?!?!! IM ACHINF . i love that so much and is such a darling resd on him 😭#i truly think he’d only be super talkative w people hes super close to/feels safe being that way with 😭#i also think he looks calm and put together all the time bur is lowkey a worryrat and srsly considers EVERYTHING. 😭 i think he’s like oikawa#and i love how he cant even remember what it was — bc it was that insignificant !!! EXACTLY !!!#also calling him haji? PRICELESS . my heart will burst and die . my absolute FAVOURITE nickname for him oh my god#whatever it was — he did it terrified <- KIT PLS I LOVE THAT SO MUCH . i looove that . because hajime is an image of tenacity for me#he persists and persists despite being scared . despite it being hard . oh ym fod your characterisation of him here i could actially cry#YOU ARE SO RIGHT about spiders and noises . he is def the guy to call 😭 goes out w a slipper for roaches too 😭😭#but my god seeing him scared now at 28 its !!!!!! doing smth to me !!!!! aching my heart !!!! twisting it#and FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 3 MOS HE’S CARRYING THE RING AND HE RLLY WANTS TO GIVE IT TO YOU HelllOOOUGHHHH ?!?!! IM FUCKING CRYINF#no shiTTTY UTS WHY HE BOUGHT IR 😭 he doesnt just want to picture it he wants to feel it <- oh my god kit if i could just . please . CRYING .#you in everything that is him and him being yours for way too long oUGH i loved that line sk much kit gonna have it tattooed on my ribcage#half past midnight on your long weekend and all he wants to do is plan your wedding 😭😭😭😭😭😭#and how he cant tell whether you look cute or distressing . UR HONOUR HES IN LOVE jakdjd i adore the bits abt his heart racing too😭😭😭😭#its so cute and reader is so sweet and hajime is soooooo hajime 😭😭😭 how he’s so nervous oh my god please give him to me#‘is it ? nope dont feel it’ PFTTTT TKAMSKDJD LOSER snjxjd kit u know how much i love ur dialogue aksnjd their banter and chemistry is so cur#cute* & omg how he knows u so fuckif well. sometimes not enough. tell him more . everythinf he alr knows . oh god#if intimacy could be explained in a single paragraph kit. it would be that. sjznsjd hes so nervous i want to squish him#how he checks if its still there?!?! give me a sec dammit?? ph my god and how he truly wants to give u more bc u deserve more but HE CANT#HE JUST CANT HELP IT . HES SRSLY THINKING FK IT . hes neck deep and the water is rising 😭😭😭😭#and the exchange if disbelief oh my god kit i love love love raw moments snd this feels so real . so unrehearsed . UGH IM IN LOVE WITH THIS#the fuckin BOX WHILE HIS Hnd rests on ur knee oh my fod illc ry ‘dead serious’ he answers too quickly akdjsj less strong than he looks!!!#im crying . the shape the diamond the everythinf akxnjs the thought he put into it for you oh god i could CRY .#the gradual transition to tears !!!!! even when you’re saying the same thinf ‘are you serious?’ oh god i could cry i am actually crying
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Mr I'm so hot I'll just send a cute selfie and expect people to respond with anything other than "on my way"
#He is soooo cute. But I don't think that does him justice#Oh it's after hours can I be faggy in my tags real quick#I don't think he's ready for the flowery prose I'd hit him with if I could but MAN#Is he captivating.... absolutely fucking all encompassing.#I could devour him whole. Two bites max.#Stunning... I'm completely enamored by him#I am often left speechless by him. Just a look. I lock eyes with him and the words die in my chest because I don't need to say anything#It's SO GAY.... god.... sometimes I'm like I know I'm not being normal#And he's like it's fine. Honey is it??? Is it??? Or am I just scaring you so much you don't know what to say?#I reel myself in a lot. He would tell me not to but I gotta take it slow. He would also tell me not to do that either lol#I think most of all I appreciate him. And I'd like the chance to appreciate the rest of him too#I want to kiss all the cobwebbed parts of you. I want you to feel me sinking into your flesh.#Like its.... a very visceral feeling. I've never felt like that before. It's very strange to me#And not because it's him but because it's *me*#And I find that hard to get across to him sometimes but he just smiles and im like. Head empty. Only boy#God he smiles and im like !!!#Kissing him when he smiles!!! God. Fuck. I gotta keep this guy.
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