#its not her fault I respect it im not going to cross boundaries but i cant handle rejection at all when i need attention this badly. pls

[phagodyke]

one of my friends cancelled plans today bc he accidentally doubled booked which is fine like I shouldve remembered he might be busy anyway so I suggested me n the other remaining friend do smth else but he just cancelled too and bc I've been in so much pain this week I've missed out on my usual thurs gym social and also hanging out w two other friends yesterday bc I was too sick to travel and had to get off the train and my roomie won't even look at me bc her social battery is low which is okay im used to that and I probably won't physically be able to go to the gym tomorrow either but man I'm so fucking lonely and still in pain I can't do this.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw for csa, nightmares and flashbacks, csa detail

I just wanna vent

Last night I had a horrible nightmare of getting raped. It lasted for a long time and I'm still shaken from it. It brought back many flashbacks when I woke up. Idk why but even tho it was my mom who sa me, whenever I have a nightmare of sa (which happens a lot) my mom is never the rapist? Like its either my dad or a random person. Which is weird cuz my dad never sa'ed me. Sure he did constantly commented on my body ("your ass is growing, you're growing up!") Which make me feel uncomfortable. And one time he peeked through the toilet when i was using it to see if im on my phone, which was also weird but like he ddint mean to be inapp he just wanted to make sure i wasnt on my phone. But he never really did anything physical. Anyways the nightmare brought back shitty memories. I can still feel her lips and hands on me. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself, I feel like im dirty and gross for it. Ik it's not my fault but I just can't help feeling ashamed. My mom doesn't sa me anymore but she kinda does like.lower forms of it. Like slapping my ass or touching it, but that's normal right? I mean, I don't think she really means it in an inappropriate way, like she might just think it's a cute way of showing affection. My family is really physically affectionate after all, even my dad do that. Idk man I just feel so weird rn. I feel like I wanna get away from my body, like I don't belong in this thing. I wanna rip my skin off just to feel like she's never touched me. I wish she never did this to me, I wish we were a perfect family like how other ppl think we are. Worst part is they act so nice, they're good parents. It's just when I think of my childhood it's pretty messed up. I just keep trying to push down these feelings and ignore them so I can live in this fantasy of having perfect parents, but lately it's been becoming harder to do it. Thanks for listening, I hope u guys have a great day <3

- 💛

Hi 💛,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through, as well as the dream you had. While you said your dad didn't outright SA you like your mom did, it sounds like he's still made inappropriate comments towards you and touches your butt. Please know that these things are unacceptable and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

It can be confusing when we dream of scenarios that are a bit different from our actual trauma, and it's natural to wonder why these details are changed in the dream. Sometimes our brains experiment with different dynamics to see how that changes the situation. Because for example there is quite a big difference between being raped by a stranger and being raped by your mom, and perhaps entertaining the idea of it being a stranger is a way to navigate and understand the dynamic between you and your mom. But sometimes its more symbolic or metaphorical. For example, if you dream about your dad being the perpetrator, perhaps it could symbolize the ways he makes you feel uncomfortable in your own body. Especially with trauma, it's natural for dreams to be a way to process and make sense of your experiences.

While it's okay for families to be physically affectionate, it must come with a certain level of care and respect for others' boundaries, which sounds absent in your family dynamic. It sounds like your family crosses physical and sexual boundaries under the guise of "normal" affection. Normalizing this behavior is what enables the abuse to continue. Please know that your body is yours and you deserve the right to say who can or cannot interact with it.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can best help you process your trauma, the dreams you've been having, and equip you with useful coping tools that you can take with you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[sorry-i-ship-drarry]

Hold my hand

Prompt used - holding hands

The door bell rang over and over again indicating whoever it was at the door was impatient enough to not even let harry cross the hallway properly.

" IM COMING. For fucks sake " harry yelled as he shoved ice cream into the fridge and running towards the door but the doorbell hadn't ceased.

" Merlin's sake what is - draco ?" Harry gave draco a confused look but draco had already made himself comfortable to roll his eyes and just barge in without saying a word to harry.

" what are you doing here ?" Harry asked as he followed draco into the bedroom.

" mer- just tell me what are you doing - why are you taking out my clothes ? Draco tell me what's going on right now !" Harry announced

Draco turned around carrying 2 pair of sweater, a jacket and a jeans with socks "hello to you too and we're going out " draco shoved all the clothes he had managed to take out into Harry's hands.

" no draco, I'm not but you are going out of my house " harry said as he dropped the clothes on the bed.

" harry if you're a stubborn man so man I , deal with it. Were going out, get dressed " draco ordered.

" yes you are-"

" no I'm not-"

" no-"

" yes potter. Shut up " draco shoved the clothes into Harry's hand again.

" what makes you think I want to go out ?" Harry asked as he dropped the clothes on the bed yet again and crossed his arms.

" because I'm saying so. Now get over your sulking ass we're going " Draco ordered

" draco I don't want to okay - I know you guys think I'm still sulking over Ginny but I'm not. I respected her decision and it's fine " harry said as he walked out of the room and into the kitchen with draco following him.

" you are. Look at the fucking amount of ice cream in your fridge -"

" stop snooping around " harry bellowed as he shut the fridges door on draco's face.

" potter look I don't care but your friends does. I know breaking up with Ginny was a hard thing but get over it. It's been months. Hell even she's worried about you. You haven't been out with your friend's much and they care for you okay " draco told him as he sat down at the kitchen isle watching harry shove things angrily into drawers . It was a partial lie , out of everyone draco was the one who cared the most but his ego was inflated enough to not give in yet .

" and you don't care ?" Harry's movements came to a halt just for a second before it began again as if he was making sure he heard him right

" I - it doesn't matter. I'm here now and look- there's a great place i want to take you . You'll have fun I promise. Five minutes in and you don't enjoy yourself I'll watch that horror movie with you as a torture for me okay. It's really been months since anyone Hung with you last and I'll win the bet of making you get out of the house. I could use some money " draco tried to diffuse the tension with his stupid joke

" well Draco I'd suggest you take your money back because you'll lose and don't you all have better things to do than bet over me " harry said as now he got out of the kitchen and entered the living room and started fluffing the pillows. Draco followed him and redid the pillows himself with harry glaring at him.

" well once the malfoy's bet, they don't back out. Harry just one night. If you don't enjoy I'll do that -"

" I heard you and as appealing as your offer is I won't " harry replied but before harry could've picked up next pillow he was turned around with a jerk and now faced draco.

" one time , one night harry. You know I won't offer such thing ever again. I'll even buy you that expensive Chocolate cake you like so much and on our way back I'll buy you ice creams. Just one night . One time " draco basically begged harry and with so much of a sigh, he gave in.

" where are we going then ?" Harry asked . Draco jumped up in excitement which only for a moment harry found endearing before draco collected himself and spoke " its a surprise but dress in warm clothes " harry with an eyeroll went inside and got ready.

15 minutes later harry and draco apparated to the ice skating rink, Hermione and Ron with pansy and Blaise were already waiting there.

" kids, hand over the money " draco said as he clapped his hands

" I thought you were kidding " harry mumbled rubbing his hands together, already feeling the cold starting to set on him. As if Draco had noticed harry getting cold, he swiftly casted a warming spell, much to Harry's suprise but whispered a small thanks.

" don't tell me you bribed him with sex " Blaise groaned as he handed over draco the money. Blush spread over draco's cheeks but harry just assumed it was because they were here.

" as exceptional as that offer would be for you, not everyone is like that Blaise. Some people get easily bribed with ice creams " draco explained shoving the money in his pocket

" who's idea was this ?" Harry asked finally

" mine " draco replied grinning

" wow fancy seeing you using your exceptionally dim witted brain for once " harry sarcastically replied. Draco rolled his eyes while everyone enjoyed that sarcastic harry was back.

Soon enough they had put on skates and almost all of them were going in the rink but draco.

" you're not coming !?" Harry asked simply as he stood without support

" no- what - no yeah - yeah I just need uh some time " draco's face looked almost pale. Harry watched Draco for a moment, analysing his expressions when he realised

" oh my god, you don't know how to do this, do you !! Draco " harry cackled at Draco

" it's not easy okay " draco sneered at him

" it's still hilarious " harry laughed harder

" easy for you to say potter , fucking great at everything " draco sneered at him. It took them a moment to realise that draco had used the same tone from years ago. They both chuckled at the recollection of the forgotten memories.

" I'll help you but you're still going to buy me more ice cream" harry said as he offered his hand to draco. Hesitantly draco took Harry's hand clutched it tight and stood up next to harry .

" draco you're crushing my fingers " harry whined

" well you signed up for this harry " draco snapped lightly but loosened his grip on Harry's hand and finally got into the rink.

" let me lead the way okay. Don't leave my hand alright. Stop spreading your legs " harry guided him slowly in the rink

" wow so illuminating. If this was some other circumstances I'm sure you would've said the opposite " Draco rolled his eyes. Harry blushed out of embarrassment maybe or the fact that it may have been true but the strange reaction on Harry's face made him retract his statement " I'm spending a lot of time with Blaise. You can understand " and harry nodded understandably.

" try not to - no don't move your feet that way - yes closer - perfect " when Draco finally got the hang of how the legs work he finally left the boundaries and they moved a little to the center.

" now, shall I leave your hand-"

" no " draco shouted

" for someone who I'm teaching, you sure are bossy " harry rolled his eyes

" and you knew this about me when you become friend's with me so technically you're at fault harry " draco beamed. Harry shook his head smiling because it was true.

" you have to try to- okay you're slowly going to leave my hand and you'll take a slide forward. I'll be right by your side okay- you can do it okay " harry assured draco. Draco looked at him with fearful eyes but nodded and slowly harry left draco's hand. When harry had completely left draco's hand and draco was standing on his own, harry clapped his hands in encouragement . Draco looked up for a moment, his arms spread out in air for invisible boundaries to hold onto but he was still afraid. He almost took a step forward when his leg slipped a little to the right

" HARRY, HOLD MY HAND " he shrieked but it was too late, he had already grabbed Harry's hand and had completely slipped over the ground . Harry was now laying on top of draco cackling who himself was laughing incredibly hard .

" you're blocking my air potter " draco laughed at harry . Harry immediately rolled over to the floor next to him and waited for the laughter to die out.

" look at these Little babies laughing at their miseries " pansy commented as she swiftly passed by harry and draco but they didn't stop laughing.

It was 5 minutes later when their laugh slowly died out and now were just simply smiling at each other.

" you had take me down with you " harry narrowed his eyes in a comical way.

" well potter if you must know , malfoy's don't take the fall alone. They take everyone down with them " draco smiled at harry . Harry shook his head and stared up at the ceiling of the rink when harry finally sat up and pulled draco up to sit with him.

" come on , we'll try again " harry said as he finally with much difficulty stood up

" oh no I'm fine potter. I'd much rather slide on the floor like Weasley than actually doing it again " Draco looked up at him . Harry looked behind him to see Hermione practically dragging Ron. Harry shook at the absurdity of his two friends in love. He turned around to see Draco watching him.

" last try. Come on , It was your idea and malfoy's don't give up do they " harry raised an eyebrow knowingly. Draco rolled his eyes but with Harry's help finally stood up too.

" you're never using the malfoy's line on me ever again " draco said as he dusted off the snow from his clothes.

" I will if I have to. Now let's try again" harry said and draco nodded.

When harry noticed draco's hesitation, he lifted draco's face by his chin to look up at his face

" don't you trust me . Now . Hold my hand " harry again offered his hand and this time Draco took it without hesitation and slowly they started skating again.

" I can't believe you suggested all of them something you're terrible at " harry deemed

" well harry sometimes you gotta do shit for people who matter to you, don't you. At least it got you out of the house and you seem to be enjoying it so much considering you laughed so hard when we fell down, so I'll say it's all worth it. Now tell me how do you keep the balance- what - why are you looking at me like that? " Draco asked him furrowing his eyebrows.

" no reason " harry replied fondly with a warm smile.

" I tell you draco, I don't know about malfoy's but draco is a very nice friend. Now look how I do this " harry said as he pointed his feets on the ice

" draco- you're not doing it - draco - look - dr-what ?" Harry asked when he noticed draco was smiling sadly at harry

" no reason " he blinked and watched how harry did it, smile spreading across his face.

Harry and Draco were the last ones to leave the rink after some fail attempts of teaching draco but slowly with practice draco did get the hang of it . Both of them were overjoyed when he did it.

As promised draco bought harry ice cream on his way back to his house. That night draco stayed at Harry's place talking about everything and nothing all at once. When Draco had finally dozed off, harry realised it was 3 in the morning. It was the first time ever since Ginny when time passed unknowningly. Harry fondly looked at the sleeping figure on his shoulder and smiled with appreciation.

That night when the same flutter returned in Harry's heart which made it skip a beat, he decided this time he won't fuck it up. He realised that maybe, just maybe love can also be found in another person. And that person was none other than the annoying draco malfoy.

" stupid git " harry smiled at Draco and soon enough, too fell asleep on the couch with draco.

Recent side prompts -

Habits of my heart | hair dyes and braids

Day 6 - pinned | Day 8 - Ms.mitons

Requests open

[communistcanuck]

Cross examination

I don’t usually do personal posts but of course if a personal subject becomes politicized then you better believe I am going to step into the ring so here we go: Here is post of some I had just followed very recently that is in fact talking about me:   ___________________________________________ The Internet is Weird So early this morning I was so frustrated and so fed up with life.  Im in the process of trying to move because the lease at my current apartment is up on the first of July (Saturday).  To top off this move, my company shut down last week and I haven’t seen my last check as of 8:38 am this morning.  So I was beyond frustrated when my car wouldn’t start.  I was so frustrated that I put my pride aside and even posted my cash app in hope of some financial help here from my followers, granted I didn’t expect anything but I had nothin to lose.  I posted my link and asked if anyone could.  A follower messages me and says that he would love to help me but he doesn’t know how to navigate around his cellular device.  I thank him for trying but Im not about to teach you your phone, asking was enough and that you tried was enough for me as well so I thank ed him and let it go.  He then messages me and says that he could use a video of me strip teasing.  Okay, wait… So you think that since Im posting about a financial, emotional, and material hardship that gives you a right to prey on me like that. I hate men sometimes. But its my fault because I should have known not to ask people on the internet for shit, or give them a reason to try to exploit me because I don’t know these people. Sorry had to get this off my chest.  ____________________________________________________ Unlike this post I will post the entire transcript of our conversation below with of course only me named: _________________________________________________   communistcanuckHey just came across your Tumblr, just wanted to say you are stunning and I like that there is some political content on your Tumblr, beauty comes in so many different forms and you are such a spectacular example for the world!!Last Wednesday at 9:01AM  R:Thanks!!!Yesterday at 1:05 AM communistcanuck: It was my pleasure to try to give back something considering you have shared your beauty so freely. communistcanuck: Just saw the message and I would like to help but the tumblr message isn't very clear on how I could help out, or at least I am not tech saavy enough to figure out what to do. communistcanuck: The message about your car not starting and you needing money that is. R:Thank you for even considering... but it was just my cash app communistcanuck: OIC an app, I should have guessed the one platform I am probably the least familiar with as I have only had a cell phone for less then a year or at least the last time I had a cell phone before the one I currently have apps didn't even exist....heck Iphones didn't even exist the last time I had a smartphone! R:Omg lol 💀😭 communistcanuck: Too bad your pictures are awesome I would so be willing to buy a video of you doing a strip tease le Sigh R:I don't do that. communistcanuck: Cool I totally understand that as well communistcanuck: That was my hormones getting hopeful, but I am not interested in making some one do what they are not comfortable with, basic communist principles really. R:I understand. Thank you for respecting boundaries communistcanuck: Of course, here's hoping things turn around for you!! ________________________________________________________

1st off the message that I saw only mentioned that her car wouldn’t start and that she was moving soon : in fact before that she hadn’t made a post for the last 6 days and to top it off that original post was removed or edited, regardless the above exchange is copy and pasted with only her name removed as she does not name me in her post, what I call into question is whether she was exploited at all: 1: she hasn’t done something for me and not get paid for it, I did not receive anything nor did I take anything of her’s virtual or material against her consent. 2: I did not use what limited knowledge I had of her financial situation to pay less then what I have paid before for other times I have given money on Tumblr in exchange for exemplary creative pornography, I made a suggestion for a striptease video, but did not force any parameters on what that striptease would contain. 3:I said I would be willing to buy a video, not “could use it” the former clearly puts me where I belong as a consumer while the latter suggest I am some sort of hub for virtual porn. 4: She is confusing the way the capitalist system forces people into negotiating ones labour in exchange for money and the way average working people try to deal with the social pressures that system puts on them, she degrades sex work along with expressing misandry with this confusion, an individual offer to help becomes the very force that exploits: as it should be clear by her own testimony this force was already weighing down on her well before I had even started the correspondence nor have I done anything to leverage my position to force her to do anything. 5:Maintaining her security does not mean putting my security at risk: you want people to send you money, how about you find a way to that so that I don’t have to download something I cant find on a google search unlike Paypal, bank account E Transfer, Amazon account: all of which I have used for payments to people(not corporations or pimps, other then of course the omnipresent pimp of them all: the banking sector) and am quite comfortable with using. I guess she would rather burn bridges by accusing me of being a predator, lastly I am just going to highlight that it is TUMBLR itself that makes connections by calling such connections: following, chew on that systemic enabling and enforcing of society roles and stigmas on individuals Vs it’s so called positive connotation when used en mass!!  Yup I un-followed her in a heart beat after that last post, never the less maybe some one might read this and weigh in through the shit-posting fog of this site and comment on my analysis of the situation.  

[whenithink-dontspeak]

11.12.17

i dont know what  im doing

i feel like im just floating here. i am happy at least i think i am. i have the guy that ive been pining over, the guy that ive loved the guy that has my heart and soul. i know i belong to him and he belongs to me i know this. or at least i think i do. the things that i feel for him are something else. nothing else matters when i have him in my life.  i dont know if that should be a good thing or what but all i know is that i dont want to lose him again. but hes not ready for all that.  its been two weeks? i think since his last relationship ended. he was with her for almost two year. she had him she had my him. and he loved her. he was with her. and that is all my fault yes i realize this. and in any other situation i wouldsay fuck it and not care. but his stupid ass is different. his stupid cute sweet funny smart caring intense ass is different. i love him. ive always loved him. even when i didnt want to admit it the most, ive loved him. and i probably always will. he is the one that i actually want to be with for the rest of my life. i want to marry him, i want to live with him and go to bed with him i want to say good night instead of good bye to him. i want him to be the one i wake up to in the morning and kiss with the gross stale morning breath. i want to start a family with this man. hes been the only one to influence my life and heart in that way. if you were to ask anyone in my life within the last 2 years about me having kids or being married, they will all tell you ive been spewing out that im just going to be the fun aunt that travels the world, and shows up drunk to holidays with a different boyfriend and some exotic story because i thought thats were my life was going. and it still very well might. i dont know how he feels about me still yet. and if i find out he even still has a little speckle of love for his ex i might break. i dont know what it is about him. and why he has this effect on me. if he does still have feelings for her, then i have to let him go. she made him happy he was happy. thats all i want for him. i would love if i could be the one to truly and forever make him happy. that is what i want. but if there is someone out there that would be better at that than me then i want that for him. but i want to try my best to do that. i love him. i have all these strong feeling that i want to pour out to him. and i cant. i want to respect that he just out of a serious relationship.and i dont know how to not cross boundaries. ive already told him ive loved him again. he makes my head feel like i have nothing more except sparkly sweet cupcakes and cotton candy in there. i just want to speed things up and have him be mine already like fully mine. i want to be with him, completely. im tired of waiting. i want to spend the rest of my life watching this nerd play his videogames. i want to have arguments and fights with him i want to the most amazing sex with him again. i want him. i love this fucking nerd. im watching this guy play assassins creed in his gamecave and it makes me happy. how is watching someone else play and not having any real interaction make someone happy. but he does i look over aat his little video stream of him and i cant help but work the muscles in my face into even a slight smile. he has this on me. goddammit derek i love you dude.  

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 12

Everyone needs sex sometimes. If you think on the whole, you realize that society/we give a lot of mixed messages about sex. Some groups take the chaste till marriage approach..while others,  even in the same house will glorify sex and having multiple partners. So the way you act to your parents might be very different from how you act with your friends. I always felt like sex was a big deal and that when you have sex with someone it means your in love. I feel that inner six year old... Oh anyway I feel ready to be sexual, and explore, respecting my boundaries, and strengthening them. Its just scary because when it becomes a thing that people attach ideas to and have tension around, there's just all this extra shit. Noooo I wonder who I can love I want to love someone. I really really want someone I can love. I want to love someone. Most people shy away. Maybe its true that I sent them away in my sadness without realizing what I was doing. I want someone to care for :( I want to hold their head and give them kisses when they're sad. I love them!! I have all this love for you. For you for you! It makes me feel good too but its for you. For you For you for you!! This is part of my research for my independent short story novel. Or maybe I should make a compilation of short stories covering various topic. My original thought was that I wanted to write a book telling stories from the perspective of an all-knowing consciousness that loses itself in the stories of peoples life and seeing how they string together to create the ending, which I want to make like, this Gaia utopia Isaac Asimov beautiful place, where the consciousness has begun to come back together instead of dividing apart like it was for the whole book before it. That's my idea but I'm uncertain of how to go about executing it. This seltzer is my lifeline. If I was to start from where I am now, I would be writing stories about things I know in my current life. I still want to write about food and my feelings around it. I think once I learn more psychic insight into the collective conscious, maybe then I will have more material to work with I went to the hospital when I was 16 because I collapsed in the street. Didn't see it coming. I had never been as thin as I was then. Part of me still misses her, everybody wanted to rescue me then because I was about to collapse. When I actually did my mom told me it was inconvenient for her. When the doctors wanted to keep me overnight because of my low heart rate, my mom screamed and threw a fit in the hallways of the hospital. I just lay in the bed, cold even under 4 blankets. It was terrible. My mom would hate me for destroying her self-concept once again, if she read it. I am bitter, but the account is 100%accurate I didn't embellish it. I'm 21 now And I still have struggles to write about inside because so kind of can't accept that those memories happened, even though I remember them and I was there. I went too the hospital because of my own behavior. God did not attempt to strike me down with an affliction, and I did it to myself. I can't go on without that being known. I don't care I fucked up, I did it. Racial tension is at an all time high. For most of my life, I have chosen pacifism and passive aggression as my decorum for most situations. So it would make my sense to make sense in seeing how we could all live in a post-racial utopia, and very briefly I tried to argue people on it but then I realized that as a mixed-race but white-looking young woman who has never experienced racial discrimination that interfered with my life...well I just didn't get it you know? I still worry about the militant nature of some of my friends but..ah fuck it. I talk like that about shit too, but just different shit. There are far bigger problems in the world than my love life. I can't help it but sometimes its all I can do to think about sex and holding hands, and someone telling me that everything I think is awful about me is what makes me beautiful I have been getting into vibes. Maybe that sounds stupid and I feel kind of stupid even though it wasn't my fault that everyone in my immediate family cares more about reputation and appearance and fitting in than your actual feelings. But as I let myself accept the feelings that I have..I realize that it totally crosses the boundaries of space and time because I am living in a world that came together over such a long period of time, so many different forces energies metals minerals have gone into this world, the ideas of so many people are spread out in front of me in these giant modern monolith constructions. Everyone's ideas went into that sheet of that metal, into that insulation. I can feel everything. I can feel completely when I do it. At least I think I can. Also I get flashes of the future all the time. I wonder if this is good or if I'm just looking into the future out of fear. I can't help the images that come to me. As more is spelled out to me... Some of these just feel right and like what I've always wanted. I have this image of myself as a pop star that I used to focus on as a little kid. I would go and be alone so I could listen to Hilary duff and imagine it was me who got the free ride and the record deal. So I still wonder if its a good thing or a bad thing I can feel everything and this is what I'm thinking, feelings are vibrations that transcend space and time. This is also what I'm thinking I can feel the overly romantic nature of boys past by. My heart is really set on Jonathan. Oops I meant to save that for later. Anyway Yeah your appearance does make a difference I'm not here to tell you it doesn't when it does. But more than superficial beauty, your appearance is an indication of your inner state. Anyone can see through a poised expression if they want to. Like that tv show black mirror. I always fantasize that everyone is reading what I write and its changing their lives. Im late for class.  Jesus i am so obsessed with Jonathan. The following is my attempt to describe a strange notion: I felt like I had a negative imprint of a male lover who was a musician. First it was duke. I really hate the idea of me having to see him. I don't want to see him. Ever. Anyway so that was over and my supernatural visions were definitely not imagined. On my way to that one show at Brooklyn bazaar, I just felt this huge thing. The only way I can describe it is as being a continuation of things I had felt with duke and other guys, mostly jack. And Ursula. And I felt it all for Jonathan. He looks like, sparkly and enticing when I look at him I've got you now clean How can this be dist Escape dist Cygnet clean My tears clean You have to be dist Universal instrumental dist Julia's a rock star dist