#its not confusing at all trust me
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it is real bunnysuit hours, happy new year~
#mistral scribbles#oc#bunnysuit#dragon girl#demon girl#angel girl#hehe#im gonna draw so many bunnysuits this year#they're so FUN#also I finally designed a sister for cynthia#her name's cinder#cyn and cin#its not confusing at all trust me
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If you could be anyone of your teammates who would it be and why? Panthers Cut.
#evan rodrigues#tomĆ”Å” nosek#aleksander barkov#matthew tkachuk#sam bennett#sam reinhart#jonah gadjovich#florida panthers#2425#ābarkyā ābarky hes the bestā āmatthew tkachukā ābarky!ā āits gotta be barkyā ācap!ā ābarky!ā one of these things its not like the other#anyone with sense and love for their captain BARKY hes in his hometown!!! versus terribly whipped husband sasha going maffhew :)#āmatthew tkachuk. you guys know why...ā ???#NO COME BACK SAY YOUR GODDAMN REASON#GENUINELY BAFFLING#YOU CANT JUST SAY THESE THINGS AND NOT PROVIDE AN EXPLANATION#global series is just the 1619 couples getaway#āid wanna be barky in (uses all his brainpower) TA-PPARAā oh bless him he cant roll his rs#also sweetheart did you confuse tappara for tampere did you mean tampere you know his hometown not the liiga team#it just gets funnier#maffhew āsasha giggled at me for a whole hour trying to pronounce finnish city names so trust ill keep doing itā tkachuk#also mr finland... oh samuel...
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What in the toxic yaoiā¦..
#anthonn gremminger#marionetta#tonny marionetta#sahed marionetta#ringillusion#sahed x tonny#sahonny#bro itās when I like tonny with sahed and julia more than sahed and julia together#maybe cause tonny is one of my favorite characters ever#pls pls pls plot twist where sahed actually likes Tonny but he confuses his feelings with julia as romance#PLS PLS ITāLL BE SO COOL#TOXIC YAOI THEY R EVERYTHING TO ME#or julia and tonnyā¦ā¦. i will settle for themā¦#I finished reading all the released chapters#ITS THE WAY TONNY MAKES HER FEEL SAFE#is tonny fully innocent nah#i donāt trust him completely but he can do no wrong š /j#heāll protect her RAHHHH#Itās doomed het or toxic yaoi with me ig#or that strange doomed polycule#OH AND DOOMED YURI (Kamjul / Rainflower)
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can the mtt commit more crimes that just murder please i know theyre the MURDER time trio but ppppleasse,,,, please,,,,,,
they'd be terrible to be next to on the highway. horror's going 160 mph amd has long past gone over the speed limit. dust's out for BLOOD and by blood i mean your tires. he's somehow sniping those round rubber wheels from the high moving vehicle with the precision of a master fruit ninja player. if your car explodes or flips over in the process that's not his fault. and then to make matters worse for everyone on the highway killer's in the backseat scratching up the doors and windows of your car with a knife everytime horror gets close to another car and oops he accidentally just disfigured your face also did i mention theyre all drunk during this
ok so theyve all got the classic face WHY DONT THEY ABUSE IT!!!! horror gets to do a little paper mache to cover up his head hole and then wearing glasses. killer i dont know what the FUCK he can do to get rid of his perpetual tears but let's just pretend that theyre conveniently gone for now. and then all dust has to do is put down his hood! anyways identity theft is cool. imagine how much they could totally fuck up classic's reputation with this. set up fake tinder profiles and then scam people for their credit card info/free dates (while ordering every expensive thing) and stealing wallets. walking into various grillby's's around the multiverse and telling terrible jokes. like ACTUALLY bad jokes. and then of course just being a huge piece of shit at the bar. god theres so many things they could do pretending to be classic. which one of us is hikaru looking ahh except the only difference between the three is the color of the stains on their clothes (either gray (dust) black (killer) or red. well faded red (horror))
ROBBERY!!!! ROBBERIES PLURAL!!!??? train robbery gas station robbery bank robbery GOVERNMENT robbery (what would you rob the government for?? documents??? idk) anyways. mtt robbing a train except its just a really shitty plan and they dont know jackshit about what theyre doing. killer's taken over the conductor's cabin and now he is booking it. how fast are trains allowed to go idk but the maximum. anyways meanwhile horror's on the tracks fucking up the rails with his strength or whatever (listen i know he's weak but picking and choosing what hcs i believe in is my art) and dust is there to teleport him away before the train crashes into him and turns him into a trolley problem victim. and then of course that shit doesnt fucking work and the train just ends up flipping over and catching on fire or something (killer survives because of course he does he's killer). and then in the end dust just has to flip the entire train over and they just stroll into the part that actually HAS the money
and then they go out and get ice cream. sometimes the murderers need to take a break from murdering and just do NORMAL crime yk???
#dragging this absolutely ancient draft out of the trenches because i've been having a scene in my head that fits this#i mean not REALLY related to this since its not a crime. more like him reckless abandon of life! their own lives! yeah they die#imagining.... trio driving around in the mountains. dust's driving ans horror's in the passenger and killer's in the back seat because he i#and dust just starts speeding up like...... much more than he really should be in the fucking mountains#and killer points it out and now all of a sudden horror is absolutely terrified LMAOOOO trying to get dust to slow down#and then they crash. but if there's no one more determined in the world killer can always load a save and theyre alive again#and dust is STILL speeding when they come back even with the knowledge that they die and horror's still terrified#but dust just tells him to calm down and loosen up a little bit!!! theyll come back afterwards anyways and they dont even die in pain#and after a few more deaths horrors just like. ugh. fine. you know what FINE ILL GO ALONG WITH IT#he says as he starts laughing along with dust because man!! the feeling of looking out at nature right before they die in a blaze of glory#is GREAT!!!! and then you know something something horrordust have trust in killer to bring them back after they all die#something something horror is willing to give up his usual reservations to have fun with the other two#and its so fun afterwards.... because nobody but them gets hurt!!! dust and horror wouldnt wanna hurt anyone after their au lore#and killer has no reason to in this scenario. so it all works out for them!! the only people getting hurt are them and lowkey they deservei#the sans in the au is probably sooo confused as to why the world is reloading even though theres no human doing so š killer you GOOF#theyve probably all died so many times but only they remember it. soooo cute.... only they get to see each other at their weakest ššš#killer absolutely abuses the save point when theyre all together i just knowww ittttt sooooo well#he wants everything to continue not restart or go back??? ok but everything IS continuous with these two#not like they stay doing one thing over and over anyways so its not really perpetual. anyways dust and horror would get bored along with hi#if they just kept doing the exact same thing over and over trying to find every possible ending. nahhhh#triglycercule this is sooo unhealthy none of them would do this!! ok well they make each other worse who said it was ever gonna be healthy#screw EVERYONE in the violet banquet discord server who indulged me in my trio waltz dancing in a field of flowers at 3 am. brainrot now...#this scene i described in tags totally happened in my trio meet each other fic btw. just that it hasn't gotten to this point at ALL yet šš#tricule rant#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#sans au#utmv
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so often i see people try to downplay violet and minervas relationship like it wasnt Real enough or was some Inferior Romance that her relationship with clementine could Never compare to, and i find it so annoying and boring
she LOVED minerva!! and its okay that she did!! she was her first love!! childhood best friends turned girlfriends!! seeing her being so heartbroken and miserable about what happened to minnie, how deeply and desperately she missed her, hugging that bed frame so pathetically. but clementine makes her CARE again. makes her LOVE again. slowly violet becomes comfortable with the idea of opening her heart up to people again, after trying so hard not to because the pain of losing people she cared about was too much to bear (especially when she blamed herself for them being gone)
then she learns minnie didnt die. shes falling in love with clem while grappling with the fact that minnie might still be out there??
then she meets minnie in the woods. but minnie has changed just like she has. theyre both different people now. and slowly violet is forced to come to terms with the fact that the person she loved so deeply isnt that person anymore??
violet at the beginning mourning minerva and blaming herself, to shooting her to save clems life. she LOVED minerva once, but she doesnt like the person she is now. and shes not gonna let her hurt anyone else she cares about. shes done mourning her by the time they get to the bridge, only crying out for tenn
like idk i just find their relationship evolution to be so interesting and sad as shit. the fact that they once loved each other so much and it has now come to this?? but violet makes her choice and she Chooses clementine, because she admires and loves clementine, probably similar to the way she used to admire and love minerva if the way she talked about her is any indication
i just think "i never thought i would ever feel this way again" is way more interesting than "wow minnie Never made me feel like This"
#violet makes minnie a stronger character literally Just by being there#the way vi and minnie and clem all bounce off each other is so fucking good#CLEM SLEEPING IN MINNIES BED IS NOT AN ACCIDENT#clem has essentially replaced her. and minnie is seething about it. because she wanted them all to follow her to the delta#but instead theyre following clementine. who she sees as a threat to their lives. when in reality the real threat is her and the delta#now its minnie who is sad and lost and doesnt know how to grapple with it#instead doing what she can to save herself. even if it means hurting the people she cares about#and violet HATES THAT!! and shes willing to fight to save the people she loves#even if it means hurting someone she used to care about more than anything#she places that shot so perfectly. she doesnt WANT to hurt minnie. but she wasnt gonna let her hurt clementine either#she may have loved minnie once. partially blames herself for what happened to her. but theyre both different now. and she loves clementine#LIKE IDK that evolution is just so good and makes the clemvi romance even more strong??? violet knows Exactly what and who she wants#so by downplaying the vinerva romance it inherently makes her choice to choose clem weaker??#the more she loved minnie the harder that choice was. and she chose clementine#anyway this is why the clem vi minnie boat fight makes me bark like a wild beast#either i see people try to downplay her love for minerva OR they overhype it and act like she never got over her#when her getting over minnie is the whole point!! taken vi trusted her bc she LIED to her about sophie!! and clem broke her trust#god shes so heartbroken and confused in that cell get her out of there!!!!! vi i'll save you every time!!!!!!#thinking about clemviminnie instead of working what else is new#twdg#violentine#vinerva
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Incredibly self-indulgent quick sketch of the ot3 rare pair (trio?) that is Jean/ Neil/ Andrew; cause I feel like y'all ain't seeing the vision lol
If it ends up winning the poll maybe I'll get around to cleaning this up a bit and adding color and such, but for now this is all we get šš¦š¦š¦āā¬š
#digital art#ao3#all for the game#the foxhole court#fan art#drawing#aftg#aftg fanart#neil josten#andrew minyard#jean moreau#andrew x neil#andrew x jean#neil x jean#andrew x neil x jean#crack ship#rarepair#ot3#Deals With Devils#sketch#consider the possibilities#i love andriel as much as the next guy#but imagine for me neil#who wants to experiment with their new found sexuality that he is still struggling to understand#and who feels safest when they have someone they trust their to watch their back#and who has said repetedly they feel safest in jeans arms (as well as under andrews watchful eyes)#and so in an attempt to make them feel safer/more secure/ (and to further explore their new and confusing feelings) he asks Jean to help him#and andrew who has already called jean 'interesting' after their one brief meeting and who just wants neil to feel good/safe#figures its fine as long as jean doesnt touch him and keeps neils hands busy too#but then finds themself looking š at jean a bit too much during and starts crushing on him too.
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thinking abt what you said with house viewing Benny as a son and Iām obsessed. Like. The man spent most of his life before the war presumably alone, and then after the bombs fell he was alone again, save for AI he himself devised. Then he decides to pull in some Tribes, and one kid shows promise! So sure, treat him well, train him, groom him to be his protege, then next thing you know UH OH heās got developing paternal feelings towards this guy. Wanting some semblance of a family when the time has long since passed, yet fostering that feeling all the same seems so accurate for him. Benny meanwhile only views him as a boss, and not a particularly good one at that. makes me wonder how House mustāve felt when he found out about Bennys plans
I view it as House blames only himself for this, cause he kind of does in canon (strap in this is a long one).
When reflecting on the issue of Benny, House chastises himself first and foremost for not acting quickly enough when it comes to priming Benny. He describes Benny as being ambitious, ruthless and capable; compliments coming from a man like House. House has an ego and while he is logical enough to understand there was never any evidence Benny saw him as a father-figure, he lacks the humility to admit he let his own views on his relationship with Benny blind him to the activities happening behind the scenes.
I doubt that House was as aware as he makes out about what Benny was doing, he knew early on but certainly not early enough to stop Benny from hacking and obtaining a securitron along with getting the chip in the first place. I take it he was distracted by all the possibilities he was calculating of Vegas' success and growth with him steering and Benny as the new figure head, not because of any normal affection for Benny but the admiration of his capabilities. It's to be noted that House believed menial incentives (likely caps, booze, basic needs, etc..) were enough to keep Benny tame like the other Chairmen but, as evidenced by the Omertas and Mortimer in the WGS, this is not enough when it comes to more driven Vegas citizens. This implies he still undervalued Benny and created a space in which Benny felt the need to rebel.
House in my eyes is not sentimental in the traditional sense. I can imagine his pride was severely scorned as someone he certainly deemed dumber than him was, albeit only for a little, able to out-gambit him. It would definitely hit home seeing how his brother also betrayed him but I feel like that's why he's so apathetic when he tells the Courier to do as they see fit with Benny. I doubt the way he terrorized his brother brought him any emotional satisfaction other than a "Now who's in charge!" ego boost. Putting that same emotional intensity towards Benny isn't worth it because who does it benefit? Wasted time, wasted planning, and most importantly wasted potential are all he gets from continuing to be hands-on with Benny. I say the closest example is not being able to throw out old toys due to the memories attached but knowing it's necessary as they are broken or just taking up space for new ones, and then asking someone else to do it so you don't need to get caught up in the feelings of throwing something you put so much effort into. It's not Benny House cares about in my mind, not in a way that sounds healthy to any non-emotionally constipated individual, but what he could've represented for him, which is why he so quickly offers the same position to the Courier.
As for Benny's view on all of this, it was a long time coming. Benny didn't and doesn't believe House is a completely shitty boss. He admires what he's been shown and admits House knows how to run the strip, but disagrees with the directions. Ideologically, House is an anarcho-capitalist while Benny is just an anarchist. House wants to run the strip to profit, though money is not what he's concerned with being rich with anymore. Benny wants a free state that he wishes to become a place for the people, except for the Chairmen who would be on top (I like to remind people that Benny's motives were selfish but not for personal gain/power as was it for the people he actually saw as family). Benny was never looking for a father but a future. He was not interested in being adopted, or having the chairmen adopted, as bigger names still overshadowed in House's legacy.
Truly, it's easiest to summarize as House feeling strongly and thinking positively enough of Benny to start incorporating him into the future of Vegas (a huge honor actually) while Benny was so disillusioned by House's ego and indifference that he thought the only way Vegas could be the future is with House gone.
#tdlr House saw Benny as the perfect face of his Legacy while Benny saw his legacy as a stagnant mosquito infested pond#its more complex as house certainly would of been irate if he hadn't known and the courier came to kick benny's ass#but more someone being mad youre fucking with their things#i likely thing that even in a more traditional father son relationship House is conditional and would force Benny to confrom more to his#standards as I also believe the Chairmen are more tightly monitered due to bennys unique relation to house and being the first tribe#so itd be smothering and oppressive for someone like Benny even though imposing his beliefs and standards would be how House shows affectio#and fatherly praise which would result in Benny probably wanting to act out even more. like the only way a father son dynamic is healthy an#works is if house would relent some control and show he sees benny as an equal which would never happen cause its house but its still tragi#to me cause house has that longing for something more personal to him than Vegas and tries to fill it with progress cause its rather hard#to create those bonds in the state he is in and benny was the closest thing to that and even that he inadvertently ruined#but on benny house kinda ruined him cause the chairmen for all intents and purposes liked and trusted benny as a leader after bingo who#benny really only killed because of the illusions of grandeur house put into a young impressionable mind and how bingo refused to hear him#not to absolve him of his wrongdoings and being a dick but benny didnt just attack bingo he challenged him and won and in the end while#nostalgic none of the chairmen choose to leave and go back to the old way which says something cause they can leave#this is long and honestly should a seperate post on benny cause i have thoughts on him and how more people need to add his all roads traits#to get a cohesive picture of how hed really act#benny gecko#benny fnv#fallout#fallout new vegas#robert edwin house#mr house fnv#mr house#ask#anon#sorry if this is confusing I have very indepth thoughts on all aspects and possibilites on how unhealthy and power inbalancey anything#with house would be but this is so interesting cause its oddly vulnerable for house of all people to disclose this to the courier
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I have so many varied and fun WIPs I could work on but my brain continues to scream āBE WEIRD ABOUT CHILDBIRTH! SURELY YOU WONāT WEIRD ANYONE OUT IF YOU KEEP WRITING ABOUT CHILDBIRTH!ā and Iād like it to sTOP
#I HAVE TOKOPHOBIA CHILDBIRTH AND PREGNANCY IN GENERAL REPULSE ME#(not to be confused with āI find it repulsiveā ā its natural and plenty of people find it beautiful and more power to āem! me personallyā¦)#BUT I CANāT STOP THINKING ABOUT MARIO RUSHING TO HIS WIFEāS BEDSIDE AND FRANTICALLY TRYING TO HELP HER RELAX#WHEN IN FACT SHE IS ALREADY RELAXED AND HE NEEDS BREATHING EXERCISES MORE THAN SHE DOES#AND THE MENTAL AND PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION THEY BOTH UNDERGO AS THE HOURS TICK BY AND THE PAIN GETS WORSE#PEACH HURTING AND ANXIOUS AND FRANKLY KINDA TERRIFIED BUT BLINDLY LEANING ON AND TRUSTING HER HUSBAND WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT#AND OF COURSE HE REFUSES TO LET HER DOWN BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HEāS FRAZZLED HEāS NOT GOING TO LET HER GO THROUGH THIS ALONE#AND AND AND#PEACH TREMBLING AND WEEPING IN RELIEF WHEN SHEāS HANDED HER LITTLE GIRL AND FEELS HER TAKE HER FIRST BREATHS AND HEARS HER FIRST CRIES#MARIO PEPPERING HER FACE IN KISSES AND JUST REPEATING ābrava! brava! brava!ā BECAUSE HIS WIFE IS SO STRONG AND SO INCREDIBLE#AND IT DOESNāT REALLY HIT HIM UNTIL THEIR BABYāS ALL CLEANED AND SWADDLED AND HEāS HOLDING HER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND HE JUST#STARTS FUCKING BAWLING#AND WHISPERING TO HER IN HIS NATIVE TONGUE ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER AND HOW HEāS SO HAPPY TO MEET HER AND HEāS GONNA PROTECT HER#THE IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH! THE FIRST SLEEPLESS HOURS AND DAYS! NAVIGATING IT ALL TOGETHER AND IT BRINGS THEM EVEN CLOSER#WHY AM I LIKE THIS#I SEE PREGNANT BELLIES OR NEWBORN BABIES IRL AND IāM LIKE āš¤¢ā#BUT WHEN ITāS MY OTPS I AM LITERALLY OBSESSED#WHY#MAKE IT MAKE SENSE ššš
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oc ask game for Adam and Estrella!
betrayal and skin
oooo ty for the ask!!!
betrayal: both adam and estrella experiences betrayal differently; estrella was betrayed by her former husband, as he promised to be there for her and eva but never acted upon those promises. adam was the one to betray someone, specifically his many lovers. heās even betrayed one of his contractees, and as much as he hates to admit it, he regrets it every single time.
skin: stella is p comfortable w her current self, at least in terms of her body. their feelings towards their morals are constantly changing, but thats a different can of worms i might open one day. as for adam, heās constantly trying to fight an urge heās never able to hold back for long. lilith can deal w this urge a lot better than him. but the more adam lets the urges take over, the more he loses the humanity heās been fighting to keep for about two decades.
#interview box#ocs#unholy gift#estrella cruz#adam doe#ask game#adam sucks and he KNOWS he sucks#but he doesnāt do anything to change that#and trust me estrella sucks too and she goes back and forth in trying to improve and spiraling down again#xe was actually doing pretty well before xe met seth#seth was not the sole reason they spiraled though dont get me wrong#(if anyone is confused on why im using multiple sets of prns for stella -#- its bc she uses any and all prns)#also sry this took a bit to get out!!!#a bit rambly#<- putting this here bc why not#i need to use that tag more š
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#finally ended the relationship that took all my health and happiness from me :)#many lessons learned#unfortunate that I am so nosey as to know about the constant lies but I would probably still be trapped otherwise#like actually insane that the person i trusted most in the world can speak about me like that#but i know itās really nothing to do with me it just sucks#couldnt lie FOR me so outed me as a sex worker but 100% fine with lying ABOUT me behind my back#if you are reading this and are confused thats even worse btw#i thought it would be difficult but you have made it very very easy#i am thankful for that much#x#8 years of my life wasted i wish we never met#all the signs were there the first time and i still came back and hung around like an idiot#i feel a need to try to warn ykw but i dont think he will listen / i will just make him paranoid. so#i still wanted to cohabit but obviously this is impossible if you cannot be honest with yourself#but sure leave me with nothing except resentment and resign yourself to misery. cool dude#i stood by your side when it got hard for you & when it got hard for me you abandoned me. fuck you forever never speak to me again#iām ngl this relationship has made me so averse to labelling myself as a femme because this butch acts like a man#it was so hard to keep that to myself for the entire relationship but i can say it now#(breathes a giant sigh of relief)#thereās just soooo muchā¦#always an excuse#its so tiring its so old. my main feeling around all of this is just a bottomless fucking pit of disappointment#like how is ur response to me saying its over that you have shitty partner disorder lmfao#ughhh sorry i treated you like absolute shit for 6+ years i had no choice because i suck#please be serious. actually dont its easier to leave when you live in genuine fucking delusion#BYEEEEE
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honestly why donāt we as a culture have much more of an understanding of healthy fear and self protection/advocacy about doctors and medical care, people bristle at the idea that you wouldnāt trust a doctor fully, but there are many many cases of medical malpractice, doctors with big egos, dismissive doctors, or even just miscommunication and misunderstanding that can cost people a lot of money, their health, or their lives. like it seems so obvious when i lay it out but people, both who work for the hospital/insurance, and everyone else, really do not like when you act with trepidation and uncertainty around getting your body literally cut open and given many drugs. it is so frustrating and confusing
#navigating medical care makes me crazyyyyyyyy#i donāt literally know how to communicate whatās wrong with me itās so confusing#and i largely feel so uncared for by doctors and medical staff#without even getting into the whole insurance debacle im having right now#which would be going entirely unaddressed if i wasnāt acting as if i didnāt trust anyone involved to do thier job at all#because literally over and over again they have proven to me they will not#im not being like malicious or mean to any of them#its just genuinely fucking ridiculous#55555
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mmmm i found canis through this local comic shop. and the irony is that the volumes are sold outttttt....... let me have them pleeeeease
#sighhh. i should go to bed.#hey so you should read canis#its a very short story. if you want the Main thing its 3 volumes.#from what i can understand there's a sequel thats about side characters that's kind of standalone so#but yeah its like. super short. read all of it in like 5 hours.#im so tired ok goodnight#chris noises#canis#people online said its confusing. its not confusing at all trust me.#its so obvious about what it is and what it wants to be that i find it kind of hard to believe people didnt understand it#maybe im pretentious idk#its a genuinely good read i enjoyed it so much#aahhh i could feel my brain molecules changing as i was reading its sooo good
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up all night thinking ab him sneaking glances my way
#im follow requesting his insta today š¤ššš#its like 5am but i feel refreshed after 6 hours and if i sleep more im gonna be groggy#i need 6 or 12 hrs of sleep to feel good theres no inbetween#or maybe cause ive been up all night thinking ab him lowkey#cause i fumbled twice when he tried to talk to me cause i panicked and got confused why he was talking to me#complimented me. and i ignored it cause my head was killing me and i barely heard him#he said whats up. and i looked away bc i thought he was tslking to someone else when he was staring at me straight on š#but bro we're gonna talk today trust like we'll say hi or smth ykwim ill even wave to him#hes so good at sneaking glances ngl cause if i wasnt focused on trying to catch him i would not have noticed#like its so quick but when u pay attention its so obvious#post#erics tag#kindividual posting
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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okay its going under a readmore bc its messy and a lot, i'll try to keep it succinct though. CW for some discussion of the ongoing g.enocide and things around that topic
so one of the friends is someone I've really respected and admired because they're a very intelligent well-spoken and kind-hearted individual. i've really been impressed with how they think about things and with their ability to write really fantastic essays (that they often share with this friend group because they're in school and enjoy sharing their work with us because a lot of us are interested in the things they write about). about a year ago, this person went through the process of converting to j.udaism and we were all very excited (and continue to be happy) for them. they've been really happy with the process and the community they've found and it's been really good for them.
however! this person has since stated they are a z.ionist! and they've said that it just means that j.ewish people should live in i.srael, it doesn't mean they support the i.df or what is happening in p.alestine currently. but I'm just... baffled at how they can think that non-p.alestinians occupying the country could EVER be done peacefully. it has ALWAYS been colonization. it was never going to be done in a peaceful manner.
do j.ewish people deserve a safe place to exist? absolutely! but I do not think, ESPECIALLY now, that that safe place can ever be located in p.alestine. I'm not the most educated or well-read individual, I've done a bit of reading over the past few months but my memory is shoddy and I consistently forget almost everything I've read, but as far as I can tell, this has been a non-peaceful occupation (...can occupation ever really be done peacefully in reality? i doubt it.) from the very beginning. p.alestinians were being kicked out of their houses from the start.
and to add onto the messiness of this all, I am the only i.ndigenous person in the entire group. I am the only one coming at this from an i.ndigenous perspective. and because of my perspective, I am ALWAYS going to be on the side of the population that first lived and existed in a place. i am always on the side of l.and back, i am always on the side of the first peoples. anything less would be essentially agreeing with colonization.
so it is just incredibly uncomfortable to be the only i.ndigenous person in this group while the rest of the group has discussed and expressed sympathy with this person for holding self-professed z.ionist beliefs (I do not believe this person has done the right reading to fully understand what they are saying, which is so strange because they are usually so good about educating themself). and I feel like if I try to say anything to argue or simply question this person, I'm going to rock the boat too much and make Everyone uncomfortable and the entire thing will blow up and fall apart around me. so my options seem to be either: a) say something, b) say nothing and stay in the group, or c) say nothing and quietly leave the group. none of which feel like good options!
and it sucks so much because there are people I genuinely do like in this group, and I've liked this one person and respected them since I met them, but they're really .... showing themself to be an unsafe person at the end of the day. I keep feeling like maybe I'm not seeing something or maybe I'm missing something, but I've looked at this from multiple angles and while I do absolutely see where they're coming from and even sympathise with some of it, I disagree with them on a fundamental level.
(also it seems really fucked up for them to be newly converted to j.udaism and endorsing what is essentially colonization and lowkey ignoring the fact that PEOPLE ARE BEING GENOCIDED RIGHT NOW so maybe we should not be discussing "but where are all the j.ewish ppl going to live :(" until the bullets and bombs stop at the very least(????????), while I've been indigenous and dealing with the consequences of attempted (and still ongoing!) genocide and colonization my entire life)
#its all so unbelievably fucked up and uncomfortable#and I think that the other ppl in the group do not like... see the flaw in what this individual is saying#because they are !!! not !!! i.ndigenous !!!! they are all completely white !!!!#i'm just. head in my heads clawing my hands down my face. so ... i dont have a word for this actually#its like. fear mixed with anger mixed with hurt mixed with confusion and shock and horror that these ppl are being this way#also not all of them have engaged in the convos so i dont know everyones opinions on the situation#it just. i dont know. i dont know! its so fucked up#dandy.cmd#vent //#ask to tag#i won't be discussing this sort of thing regularly here btw fdjskl this is a one-off probably#i just needed to get it off my chest and put it somewhere because i don't know what to do#and i can't talk about it on my other account bc i have some of the ppl following me there#and here i only have one person following me and if u see this hi You are okay !!! u are not part of this fdsjkl and u can dm me#but i do not think u have done anything wrong and im not lumping u in with these people#i can explain things more to u if u want though because man alive its all so tangled and messed up#but u and a couple others are not people who are making me uncomfortable bc i trust you and havent seen those two others engage#so i'm just kind of sitting here like. hm. idk what to do. and i dont want to bring it up w you randomly fdshgjkl
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Here's an analysis on gonta that I really like
https://www.tumblr.com/unweavinglies/624144216037244928/gonta-gokuhara-character-analysis-when-a-genius?source=share
YES I've seen this analysis around before it's very good. Although I don't necessarily agree with all of it, I really appreciate the depth OP went into with it, its really well written and thought out!
#pluto answers#I kinda disagree about himiko babying gonta in trial 4.. i always interpreted that part as her saying that to herself#that gonta happened to hear (next to her) and got confused that way#Also I feel like ch2 kokichi gonta dynamic is a teensy bit more nuanced than āgonta was completely going along with kokichiā#because yes he was aware and all for kokichi's plan to trade motives#but he did not realize that was happening at the insect meet n greet... and kokichi still said some pretty cruel things about him#to the others there#Its important to me that Gonta is still naive and very implicitly trusting of others which causes him to get fucked over sometimes#And that youre not āstupidā if you dont immediately understand things because youve had no exposure to normal society for 10 years#but they're right that gonta is MUCH smarter than a lot of people give him credit for#so overall. good post
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