#and I think that the other ppl in the group do not like... see the flaw in what this individual is saying
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I've seen a lot of posts (and reblogged/queued a few as you might've seen) abt the HP game recently which I'm assuming means it dropped? Anyway I don't want to put this in the tags of posts by jewish people as I don't want to add onto those even in tag form as a gentile and reblogging someone else's post that says to unfollow me if you support the game doesn't feel direct enough, so I'm making my own post for it:
Please unfollow/block me if you plan on playing this game.
Yes, pirating counts. I don't want you here. If you don't care about the safety of jewish people enough to do the bare minimum of not fucking playing this game then I'm begging you to reevaluate. If you still are into HP in the year 2023 then I don't know how to help you.
Hating nazis and terfs is not enough. You have to love transfem and jewish people more than you claim to hate their oppressors and that starts with shit like this. So once again: If you plan on playing this game because you still can't let go of a franchise the support of which directly harms the people you think you care about then never talk to or interact with me again please.
#I mean I think I've been clear enough with the choice of posts i reblog abt this but yeah. official statement i guess.#oppressed groups don't need you to hate their oppressor they need you to love them unapologetically#like i've gotten into arguments abt this game irl a couple of times and i'll do it again i just don't see how 'please care abt others'#is such a wild statement for some ppl#marshall's thoughts
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20/10 stars little guy
#me (scrounging undetected autist whose ideal fashion sense is ''if i have to be seen at all: shrouded'') seeing encanto the other month.....#and on top of it all i LOVE slice of life. encanto being so focused on What It's About that there's so much of that + character / dynamic#also part of what i loved abt pixar luca. ppl like ''simple story but not a problem :)'' like YEAH thank god it's Also so slice of lifey#2021 what a year lol. though again i only Just saw encanto....tfw Studio Creative Control backs off a bit more than usual: Joy & Wonders#anyway i knew going in bruno wasn't an antagonist (fine if he was though b/c slay & b/c scapegoats can do whatever they want)#knew i'd love him b/c again Scapegoat shows up & i'm the Amazing Showstopping Totally Unique Never The Same gif on loop#but what a delight even beyond those expectations lol. love again how Focused the movie is on What It's About & Thee Points it makes#the Characters / Dynamics & the Metaphor & the plot stays right with all of that. the focus & importance re: thee scapegoats....#& bruno being disabled like whole layer of Yay Yay Yay spamming. that even when He's Back we're reminded he's not ''normal now'' or w/e#(i.e. presenting that as The Good Ending for the disabled outcast. vs just being embraced as part of the group again & accepted As He Is)#meanwhile was like hmm chat is there queercoding do we think? like is he queer: Yes. but is there coding? hmm#sure isn't cishet coded though. but i was also having the thought like fellas is it gay to [higher tenor tessitura or w/e] lol#made me go ''do i know this voice? ok do i know this name / face / actor? (i have never seen anything ever / bad w/names/faces/voices)''#indeed was like yeah haven't seen this; heard of this; seen it once ages ago no way i remember more than like 0.6 details#then from ''ohh haha I'm A Mammal That Cares....yeah i hear that'' to ''omg CHI-CHI RODRIGUEZ???? ;;0;;'' waaah fantastic revelation lmao#also the way Literal Future Seer ability was externalized to make it more wrangleable for plot is so impressive & fun & excellent#got a lot of [i like this thing i saw a lot] i got to say....guess i can do that w/the sideblog i made for one drawing i made last night#encanto 2021#bruno madrigal#also the way bruno is so Nervous + Hiding / Bold + Big Personality like yes ha ha ha Yes....tamped down as ''too much'' experience#also the [stuttering stumbling muttering mumbling] line: i fr nigh wept upon going back over a moment like what am i hearing here?#& realizing the answer was: it's bruno quietly stuttering a moment during this one line (& then (& then (& then)) i saw you) ;;;mm;;;#hang onnn....the first scapegoat who's driven off being Disabled is so real so ;m; that again they're like so he got Weirder; Okay ;;m;;#that we get jorge thumbs up nobody having an Aside to be like [ugh; this guy] or Anything. augh always have too much to say for 30 tags#fabric drape there sure not accurate but i was like okay if i try to really reference that i'm not getting this done tonight
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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1 thing that drives me crazy abt certain characterizations of Sasuke is when he’s so submissive.. some of you have never been in a relationship w someone who has a personality disorder and spent too much time alone growing up and it shows. those abrasive goth bitches don’t just back down they’re STUBBORN 😭 also I don’t understand how this happens when like 90% of the show is Naruto going ‘Sasuke I LOVE YOU and I’ll never stop chasing you!’ and Sasuke responding with ‘I’m going to murder you if you keep bothering me. We have different goals.’
#Sasuke#I don’t necessarily consider Sasuke abrasive bc :-) <3 but since other characters don’t like him. he comes off that way a lot of the time#and it’s actually bc I think Sasuke is so sweet that I see him as more authoritative/dominant?#like he takes charge in the chuunin exams and does his best to take care of naruto and Sakura#and he takes protects naruto during the battle w Haku#and when naruto is hungry he risks failing ninja school to feed him bc everyone should be fed! it’s the right thing to do! he’s so sweet…#he groups Karin juugo and suigetsu and ik ppl hate on him for telling Karin not to get in the way#which was assholeish but shows that he can be strict and doesn’t play around when it comes to what he wants
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People coo over other members mental health and make fake ass awareness posts and infantilize taemin and jonghyun for their mental issues and use them for trauma p*rn but when it comes to jinki who's ALWAYS had mental issues of his own and who's always struggled from very early on to the point where he had to take frequent breaks, it's crickets. As if his substance abuse issues also literally didn't start at a young age due to his mental health. And as if his big health hiatus recently wasn't also probably in part due to his mental health falling apart yet again. I'm so sick of these fake ass people who pick and choose which expression of symptoms deserves positive attention and care
one thing that always rubbed me off the wrong way is how the gp esem and (sometimes!) fans failed to realize that even if he was legally an adult, he wasn't yk fully an adult yet, like i don't think it was normal for a 19 years old to be under that kind of scrutiny or yk have that kind of responsibility for others. (just like it wasn't for the other members, they were really young when they debuted, esp ofc tm but its also scary to think mh & kb were just 16 too and jjong was barely 18)
i know i always bring up his leader position for everything, but! that being coupled up with him being the oldest of the group put him in a certain spot with certain standards he had to follow and all yk the usual leader protocol it comes with it, like his mistakes are just his but the members' mistakes are his too (idt this is still entirely true but yk its still there in the small things) etc like he wasn't allowed to act his own age and i think this is why there are no discussions abt his mental health or no one really takes it seriously esp his 2012 ia bcs everytime someone brings it up it always ends with jinki failed to be responsible kind of feeling and that's how his past substance abuse issues are discussed too
'he should've know better bcs he's oldest' like come awn
#also before yk i think the 2017 impacted the group ofc but u can see how the other members aren't blamed for it but when#theres some kind of controversy coming from the other members ppl start saying but jk this jk that like last july that's how ppl acted#and its also ableism btw like u said it better his symptoms dont fit in the yk right box#idk if ur familiar with it but a pratical example is that the bear white actor and how ppl started to act when they come to know he goes to#rehab#asks#anon#answered#shawoltwt#this ask is so old im sorry... i like to sleep in my free days... gotta stop doing that
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the thing that gets me abt religious ppl is they'll demand u respect their religion & that religion hating your existence but they won't respect ur right to be like yea my belief says god isn't real so thats a dumb reason for hating other people or ye ok then ur god is homophobic thats kinda shitty they go APESHIT like. it goes both ways? like they can say i hate gay ppl bc of my religion but when a gay person says well i dont respect that religion bc it doesnt respect me its ww3. I'm not walking on eggshells for people who are too quick to condemn me to hell
#likeeee. ppl have been homophobic to me bc 'their religion condemns it' but i cant be like ok well then fuck ur religion?#but they can say okay fuck you and be hateful and intolerant like that?#why do i tolerate u if u wont tolerate me? im just#like to me as an atheist/agnostic im like. hearing that something i dont even think is real is why u hate me as a person is so insane#like 'its unnatural and wrong bc my religion says so' like ok. why does that have to affect me as someone who doesnt follow said religion#jusr wish more religious ppl were as understanding and non judgemental as they claim they are??#like ur gna say that shit to me? u think god likes that ur speaking for him rn? u rly see urself on the same level as god?#u think YOU can judge others? embarrassing#*smacks own ass* this baby can fit so much religious trauma#i love religion sm for some ppl but then other aspects of it im like why cant yall just modify this as society progresses#them books old as hell them writers didn't even know electricity but ur talking their word abt an entire group of ppl being wrong & evil?#i like when religious ppl apply the teachings to modern society & take into account how shit has changed#when ppl take the good parts of religion and focus on them and bring that religious warmth w them where they go is so nice#(my friends<333)#like they live by them teachings and are good ppl but dc abt divorce or abortion or gays bc society has changed & ppl ultimately deserve#control of their own bodies and shouldnt have to be trapped in bad partnerships#& girls who love other women and dont agree w the typical 'woman serve men' that a lot of religious old folk got goin on#if u can modify some stuff in the religious books whats stopping u extending that grace to literal people just being who they are
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how many times do we gotta go over it man. thought crime isn't real. it's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having some reflex reaction to stimuli in a way that is out of your control. the question isn't what you think or how you feel, but what you do. do you act upon those thoughts? do you harm others bc of your feelings? that's where you draw the line. keep it in your brain. vent it out in some personal way like a journal or a password locked blog. it's okay i promise
#saw a post abt sex repulsion that i mostly agreed with#until op said being disgusted by like. other people having sex is wrong#and like. i agree that if this is your knee jerk reaction you might need to look into it#but sometimes. it really is just disgust of the idea. like it's none of my business but i still find it unpleasant to see or think about#and as someone who feels guilty constantly abt everything. this is actually smth i don't feel guilty over#bc it's just an emotion and like i can't really help it. but also. I'm not hurting anyone by cringing on the inside#i don't think guilting people for feeling a negative emotion is gonna make them unlearn it i think you're just gonna make them feel awful -#- over a very normal human experience (aka. emotions). all this would lead to is ppl hating themselves for smth they can't help#it's not that deep i just got very mad at that phrasing lol esp bc it was aimed at teenagers#a group that is way more vulnerable to this sort of shit in part due to already experiencing emotions more intensely#tldr: don't do that shit man. encourage positive behavior not thought policing
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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I appreciate the dedication to preserving niches but im too bored with the concept of labels and ultimately uncaring towards circlejerk communities and maintaining a "lifestyle", perhaps at this point of burnout uncaring towards aesthetics altogether, to be able to meaningfully participate.
#i appreciate them from far away though and i like Looking at them but ultimately i just cant feel kinship#or a passion to try to join any one specific group#sorry for being a sigma lone wolf or whatever#i like to stay informed on j fashion and such but sometimes some of the conversations i see...i cant help but think...#who cares...? well clearly there are ppl who do. and i respect that. i just cant get myself fully invested#of course as always i have my opinions of other ppl but im not attached to customizing my irl avatar enough to participate myself#i do envy people who can care to maintain a style and participate in the lifestyle#anything any purpose any pleasure you can attach yourself to is worthy. not beyond criticism but worthy nonetheless
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~
#they speak!#it's probably just the illness that's making me extra irritable but like.#roommate kept coming up to me this morning going oh did i wake you up? i'm sorry if i did. did i do that or no? i'm really sorry.#and i kept telling him to stop saying sorry because i didn't have the brain power to phrase#'you could've been more considerate of your volume but you also have the right to use the common space so it's whatever'#but he said it to me again before i went to my room just now and it's like. ok. shut up.#if you actually cared that much u would've just been quieter in the first place actually.#anyways. annoyed. there were some annoying customers in the store today but it was whatever.#i feel like my fucks to give had already worn out with all the ppl in my social circle/my parents and the recent ongoings of that#[redacted] was being passive aggressive to me in the group chat and it's like. ok! idk what u want from me.#and i'm grateful for them for coming over and helping me with cleaning last week#and it's those sorts of actions that let me know they care and want good things for me#but like. i haaaate telling them anything because even innocuous non-private things get turned into judgement with them.#also. more and more i can feel how i'm drifting away from h and now with retrospect i can see how we mutually hurt each other :)#i keep coming back to this one period where i really wanted to take them to try dimsum and they kept saying they were too scared to try it#and in their new friend group they regularly go out n get dimsum together. which on the surface is like. why didn't you want to go with /me#i told you i wanted to share what i liked and i would explain what things were and i could do the talking and you still said no#but it's also very much a reflection of how i always rolled over and enabled them. i never challenged them. i was always passive.#i also feel like i'm heavily neglecting e and a recently and i can tell how the physical distance is affecting us and idk. it's weird.#anyways. another post that should've been a journal entry! lol!#when [redacted] helped with cleaning they also buried my journal under my like#300 packets of sesame candies and i can't be bothered to dig it out. also my bandaids are missing now. <3#ik this also sounds passive aggressive but genuinely appreciate the help i just kinda hate how they think hidin everything in boxes is good#'we need to get you some more storage boxes and containers!!' actually i think that will be the opposite of helpful.#i need everything visible and on open surfaces so i can 1) remember they exist for me to use and 2) not have barriers for me to get to them
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Man there's nothing wrong with genderbends as a concept but there's something lowkey infuriating about this fandom's tendency to take canonically gay (or at least, MLM) male characters and genderbend them into women like. Is that not at least a little bit uncomfortable for anyone else here or is it just me
#esp since like for example you never see it happen to any of the female/sapphic characters#could just be bc TF's cast is overwhelmingly male and thus ppl want to even the gender ratio a little#but like. ppl spend more time genderbending male characters into women than they do making content for canon women including the sapphics#discourse#like idk sometimes if the art is really good or if i'm in a really good mood i'm like 'yeah this is fine. i admit i like it'#but then there's other times where i'm like. did you rly think it was a good idea to turn a canon gay man into a woman in your AU#like. really really?#idk it's just one of those things where as a baseline i understand genderbend and even enjoy them myself#it's just in this fandom specifically where the way ppl do it sometimes. feels uncomfortable. or at least poorly thought out#that or it's just me getting annoyed by ppl going 'omg i love TF women' and then making 0 content for them#and then complaining that there's not enough female characters#like okay you literally dont even pay attention to the women who are there and just make fanart of men and m/m stuff#kinda feels like you should either put your money where your mouth is or stop complaining about it#or maybe start supporting franchises that actually have even gender balances instead of inventing representation#that only exists in your brain/friend group and the ppl actually making shows (or watching them) dgaf about
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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end
#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask#december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery#and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc#and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh#every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night#oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes#and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester#and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu#oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well#and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also#pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc#so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal#honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know#like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc#but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated#also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm#is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is#incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship#so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year#at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately#i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new#my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper#and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been#like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare#idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling#and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa
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so much
#so much has happened so much to say#friend who i spoke about in past REALLY pissed me off at my pole showcase#i do pole dancing and we had a showcase and ahe invited herself last minute on the day#which whatev u kno i was like ok shes making an effort to support me#then she goes and pulls me out of the crowd to tell me she wants to leave and my bf is gonna take her home#i was so upset cuz we had plans and i told her to her face what she did was rude#immediately starts back tracking. i dont trust like that.#it took me being visibly upset before you think about how your actions affect others??#not my bf telling u no he wants to stay bc i want to stay??#anyway fuck her. sick of puttng energy into her just to get disrespected again and again#back on my fucking no friends arc#but i love my bf. i really do.#i was upset w him too tbh but we talked it out and man is just a bit of a fucking pushover#i was like if youre not gonna defend and stand up for me i dont want to be with you. its important to me that i know youre on my side#i shouldnt have had to have handled that. you shouldve told her no and been done with it#and he said he did but i was like i had to come out. i had to say no. i shouldnt have had to have done that#missed out on the big group photo cuz of it#but pole is really fun my instructor reckons i can move to interprep abt halfway thru next term soooo exciting!!#i graded 2 combos yesterday#upside down flip both sides and climbing to the top of the pole#she got me to do a tuck spin too but i really need to work on my tucks#my wrists are instable so the tucks are extremely hard cuz if i fuck them up they HURT#lol#stefan is meeting my parents this week lol#and theyve invited him to christmas...#he doesnt like christmas and normally spends it w ppl w no families so idk if hell come#like truthfully i want him there but if hes not ready hes not ready i cant force him#i understand its a big thing and like overwhelming n what not#well see how he goes meeting them first#oh i love him
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I'm very weary of narratives and dynamics that paint people of color as like bullies, or intolerant/bigoted, or anything of the sort against white characters cause it's not that we're infallible either within specific communities or as a collective but like...idk like I feel like we're usually in these roles more often than not (its ESP Black women and girls, and Dark skin women and girls even moreso) like, esp when shows tout themselves as progressive cause knowing how Fandoms roll esp in regards to bleeding into actors off screen I just know there are people like going the hell in, because even when they're not bad people at all or just like a fleshed out human beings let them do one thing wrong, or do something fans don't like, people never shut the fuck up about it (look at Meredith and Amelia from Grey's vs Maggie and Bailey, esp in like the second half of the Grey's run) meanwhile white characters can never do anything wrong ever even when they're very much in the wrong which hmmm does that not also sound like real life?
#tbh this is about a lot of shows but I keep seeing clips of that show heartbreak high#and it's this lesbian couple I think and one is white and autistic and the other one is Asian#and I always see clips of the asian girl being very like abelist and mean and people talking about her#which she seems to always be ragging on her gf one way or another which obviously no one should be doing that#but again there's always an implication that we as woc are always the aggressor or mean#and it's like why did you make that choice#of you've actually seen it tell me if I'm wrong#but it's like I kind of can't unsee this dynamic it happens a lot in television and film#it's like when people wanna do this Black people vs LGBT ppl very much ignoring all the people with both identities#but also acting as if Black people are just so intolerant that we don't know any better or could even be supportive if not a part of#these groups#I'm sure this applies to other groups too I'm just speaking on my own experiences at this second#idk if I'm making sense it's like 3 am#random
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Vent/grief
#hhhhh it always feels weird going into the notes on an old post and seeing a person i knew who passed away#like just a random old fandom post#we werent close but like. it was nice always seeing that person at meetups and feeling welcomed by them#(since i was the newcomer there for college)#i was miserable but i still really miss that time in my life and think about all the ppl i met there all the time#fuck im crying lol i wish id been better friends with literally anyone there but especially that person too#fucking social anxiety and people dying young and moving back and forth from college ugh#i wish i did a ton of things differently#i hate not being an outgoing social person#but thats how my family raised me - to be introverted and quiet bc im the weird one in this stupid rural town back at home#i had a taste at freedom and all i did was take a sip rather than the whole drink#its really hard looking back and judging myself tho bc i know i was really going through a lot w mental and physical health#but if i knew it was only going to get worse i wouldve pushed myself harder#i miss that person and everyone else i met there and its hard feeling like im not allowed to grieve for a person i hardly knew#i always feel like an outsider no matter where i am or the people im around#i dont have history with anyone so its like. how tf do u start over new when everyone else already knows each other#all the small moments of momentarily feeling like a part of a group meant so much to me#anyway im ugly crying now i gotta try to do something else#vent#personal#delete later / /#ShitPost.exe
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