#its not bad to have any disorder! no disorder makes you a monster or a bad person!

[radinclus-not-radqueer]

Often, the feeling of "I feel like I should have this disorder" is actually you subconsciously being in denial about having that disorder. If you "feel like you should have" autism, ADHD, OCD, BPD, or any other disorder/disability - look into the symptoms of those disorders! Don't instantly jump to "I must be transabled", because many ex-transabled people actually just had those disorders and were in denial about it. If you don't have that disorder, that's perfectly fine, but it's always a good thing to look into, instead of immediately going to harmful labels. There's nothing wrong with having any disorder or disability, no disorder or disability is scary or evil!

[hollowblxxd]

Its been one hell of a long time since ive rambled about something so heres my rambles on mouthwashing and how i think everyone kinda seeing some stuff wrong.

This is mostly a focus on the situation between Anya and Jimmy unfortunately, and also my opinion on Curly and the innocence he has and the weight he carries. I understand the game doesn't go in depth on what happened between Anya and Jimmy but I think the subtle-ness of the games speaks more volumes than any dialogue. Basically in my head, given how Anya acts around Jimmy, I think the truth behind what happens its more long-term. That they were "together" in obviously a very abusive way. Jimmy constantly gaslighting, belittling then lovebombing, etc. etc. manipulating Anya into believing she had to be with him. I think the "one worse monster that doesnt define us" is the one moment in the relationship where Jimmy "took it too far" (the SA and possibly threat with a gun). I remember seeing another post of Curly being a metaphor for the future baby they would have together and seeing how Anya acts literally seems like a timid broken wife of an abuser. She too scared and guilty to work on the child she hates looking at and Jimmy is "forced" to do it, continuing to berate her for "not doing her job" (aka being a nurse OR being a mother.) I feel like that alone tells you how their relationship is. Anya isn't just a one-time victim but a LONG TERM VICTIM of the constant mental, emotional AND physical abuse at the hands of Jim. It doesn't wipe clean the one thing he did because they were "dating", Im not at all using this as a justification for anything at all but I suppose Im putting it in prespective. Because it leads into my next part with Curly. Everyone doesnt know what to think of Curly, good bad, whatever. I remember I was also mad to when I first found out about what Jimmy did and I was in fact mad at Curly for not doing more. But then I genuinely thought about it. Imagine you are literally hearing this for the first time, imagine you didnt even know Anya and Jimmy were "in a relationship", imagine if you did know they were a thing but didnt know what was going on behind closed doors, imagine if this was a one time event and the person you thought you knew was actually just a bad person. Imagine. Having not even a DAY, A DAY TO PROCESS THAT. Imagine if you had your own mental disorders that making it hard to process heavy emotions and now your stuck with this and you dont know what to do Imagine. Thats what Curly had to go thru. I understand why people are mad that Curly didnt do more, but in the end I want to personally believe that it such a complicated situation. That Anya and Jimmy seemed like they were on good terms, that maybe they were okay but they werent because behind closed door or when they were alone, Jimmy was eating Anya alive like some predatory parasite. Its a lot to process and Curly didnt have time to process it. He didn't have time to process that his friend was a monster, that his crew was unsafe, that HE had bad judgement, that maybe HE TOO was a BAD PERSON for NOT SEEING IT SOONER. Sometimes bad things happen and you dont know and you had to hold that guilty forever. Curly isn't a bad person, hes jsut a PERSON, a person going thru and being the sole person responsible for a LOT of literal possible blood on his hands. Hes trying so fucking hard to tread this all lightly to protect everyone. I don't think at all that Curly was trying to protect Jimmy. I think he was trying to protect his crew. Hes trying to be a good captain and sometimes that doesnt mean just fucking putting an axe thru Jimmy's head. Anya doesnt need to see that, Daisuke doesn't need to see that, Im sure Swansea would have volunteered but Curly wouldnt want to turn Swansea into a fucking MURDERER after all the years he spent being an honest man. Anya is already guilty and broken, Daisuke is innocent and young, Swansea is trying so hard to be on the good side of life. Curly is delicately balancing EVERYTHING. ITS ALL ON HIM HE TOOK THIS RESPONSIBILITY AND IT HURTS.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

THANK YOU for pointing out that killer probably wouldn't be diagnosed with DID bc he was an adult when all the bullshit happened

As a system I am honestly kinda tired of people saying he has DID especially since alot of them can't even tell you what it means

Of course. I’ve heard from both singlets (people who aren’t systems) and systems both for and against the idea of Killer having DID/OSDD1/being a system/being plural, and as im not a system, im not gonna comment on or control how systems choose to interpret or headcanon Killer.

But I am of the belief that misinformation should avoid being spread—both of Killer’s canon (not only purely on the basis of not being true, but because if people start believing Killer is canonically a system/has DID/OSDD1 and also is a literal serial killer, that has an understandably bad rep but it may cause people to harass or spread rumors about rahafwabas that aren’t true), and of already misunderstood stigmatized disorders. It also has fantasy themes such as magic, souls, monsters, time travel, Resetting, coming back from the dead multiple times, etc.

Killer is a character involved in themes of heavy abuse (captivity, high control groups, kidnapping, labor trafficking, cult elements, organized crime, etc) and these are all elements that require nuance and care in depicting seriously and respectively—which can be hard to do while also having to keep in mind stigma surrounding the idea of “murderous” or “evil” alter(s)—because these types of abusive controlling environments very often require victims to partake in illegal or harmful acts and behaviors to survive. And this can also very easily to maladaptive coping mechanisms that aren’t easily understood or pretty.

So im of the opinion that if people want to write killer as if he is plural/system and aren’t one themselves, they should both do research and speak to any plurals/systems willing to help them out—and in the actual writing, avoid using terms associated with the actual disorders such as DID, OSDD1, alter, host, persecutor, etc.

Not only because 1. killer was an adult when the trauma and abuse happened, so therefore he’s unlikely to be professionally diagnosed with those disorders even if he shows symptoms and presentations similar to them, and 2. killer himself wouldn’t know what he has and wouldn’t use those terms in relation to himself and his experiences.

He is not in any position to seek diagnosis or treatment or support —under Nightmare and with Chara, he is surviving. He may have a chance of that with Color and the Chromatic Crew in the Omega Timeline, but again—unless this is deliberately an AU where all this trauma happened and stuff when he was an actual child—he likely wouldn’t be diagnosed with it.

So instead it’d be best to focus on his lived experiences regardless of what dissociative disorder one decides to write him with—and use the terms he applies to himself or ones he may apply to himself, such as his numbered hierarchical understanding of his SOUL and its Stages (either something he came up with to make sense of his own experiences, or something that was decided for him by external forces such as Chara or Nightmare.) and perhaps use words like “my stage(s),” “my other,” “my other half,” “when I’m like that,” etc.

And if the topic of Killer having DID ever comes up in the story, such as another character asking him or another Stage if he has it, dont feel the need to confirm it. Not only because Killer himself likely wouldn’t know, but also because he likely doesn’t exactly fit the full criteria for a diagnosis in a canon adjacent story where he was an adult when it all happened.

Of course that’s my opinion, not really important in the grand scheme of things—im not a system—but there it is. Systems, as always, can add and chime in as they wish—and correct any misinformation or misunderstanding if they want.

[venomsrealgf]

Hiii!

I was wondering if u can do hazard dating fem!reader who was in a really bad abusive relationship that she’s having a ptsd attack but thank fully hazards there to comfort reader 🫶

If ur uncomfortable doing this that’s ok!

Omg hey hey hey. Thank you so much for the request! I had a very fun (not) time writing this because the subject is horrible but i had fun making the abuser eat absolute shit tho. If anyone is suffering from an abusive relationship please tell a trusted loved one, i know it is very hard with all the manipulation and everything but you are strong! and you can survive! You can also vent to me if you need to :) TW: Depression, Eating disorder mention, abusive ex, Story will go into detail with mental/physical abuse. PTSD attack, anxiety attack. I have never experienced PTSD attacks or seen anyone having them so i had to go off on what google offers. Sorry if its badly written!!

NOT PROOF READ!!! (3.5k words i think.) - She doesn’t know how this one big sweet hunk of a man had managed to slither his way past her walls. She thought her defenses would be good enough, she thought no one could ever get past them again. But here she is, walking hand in hand with him. He was chattering about his latest adventure with the phreak gang, being so enthusiastic while explaining every little detail. She loved to listen to him, she actually preferred that as well. She was not the one to open up easily about anything, not about her feelings, her needs, nothing. In the past she was in a relationship with this one guy she fell in love with madly. She would have done anything for him, she really loved him. And at first it seemed like he loved her as much too, their relationship was perfect. They were the sweethearts of their college, the perfect couple, always the prom king and queen. He would spoil her with gifts and compliments, he would take her on expensive dates and bring her along on family trips. Everything was just perfect… Then it all changed in a blink. He would stop showering her with compliments and gifts, obviously she wasn’t with him for the gifts and luxuries… But she also wasn’t with him for those cruel insults he would throw her way. He would insult anything she did, he would negatively comment on her appearance and weight. ‘Why aren’t you taking care of your skin as well as Stacey does? I can already see pimples forming on your cheek.’ ‘You should really start hitting the gym. You’ve gained a bit of weight. I don’t wanna be seen with a pig.’ ‘Get yourself together, I have standards to keep up.’ He would always compare her to the other popular girls, those who were the spoiled rotten kind girls. Blondes with green and blue eyes, having the latest designer clothing and bags. All of this really damaged her self-esteem, she couldn’t look at herself in the mirror anymore. All she would see was this hideous monster with all the flaws and imperfections. Worst of all was the fact she knew she should leave him, but every time she tried talking to him he would fire back at her, manipulating her into thinking she needed him and that he was only trying to help her take “better” care of herself. ‘No one would want you in that state, I'm the only one who still wants to help you!’ ‘Please. Do you seriously think any guy would want a pig like you? Be happy I'm even allowing you to stand so close to me.’

And she believed him…

She stayed together with him for at least a year after his cruel personality came to be. Though the insults were not the only problem. It didn’t take long for him to pick up on partying and drinking again with his friends. He would go out to parties, rarely taking her with him, he would make out with other women and sometimes even have one night stands with them. The audacity he had to bring them to HIS house where she also lived. It hurt her so much to see him with another woman. The first time it happened she confronted him the next morning after the random girl had left, she cried out yelling at him. “How could you do this to me???!!” The answer she was met with was a slap to her face. Her eyes wide as she held her cheek, afraid to even look at him again. He started yelling back at her, throwing his hands around in frustration. After many times of asking her to look at him he had enough and took hold of her shoulders forcing her to look at him with her shock filled gaze. “How am I supposed to live with a ridiculous girlfriend who can’t take care of herself AND can’t even fill my needs huh?!!” He yelled at her face, pushing her down on the floor, rubbing the bridge of his nose in frustration. She quickly scrambled away from him, jumping straight into her bed, crying into her pillow. Never in her life did she think he would lay his hands on her, hurt her like that. She doesn’t know why she didn’t just leave right then and there, maybe it was the months of manipulation at that point that still kept her under the roof. Or maybe it was the fact he had also gone as far as to threaten her if she ever left him. She was truly stuck and scared for her life. Her mentality had been scarred for good, she was depressed, she felt lifeless. She wanted to die, she wanted out of this situation. Her eyes were dull, no life behind them. She had developed eating disorders due to his comments and she had stopped taking care of herself all together. Her head was filled with nothing except self destructive thoughts and the need to escape this hell. The emotional abuse continued, and was even worse now. He kept on cheating on her with girls to satisfy his own needs, not bothering to even touch her in any way anymore. In his words she was too hideous to even look at. Not that she really cared honestly, she was glad he didn’t pay any attention to her, but still for some reason he didn’t kick her out. As she was one night scrolling through a social platform, looking at everyones happy lives, imagining hers could be like that as well had shen ever met her bf. She decided to go on his account, see what she was up to, what she saw made her heart break even more than it already was. He was posting a lot about her, acting as if he was her savior, making himself seem like an angel. So this is why he sometimes asked her to pose for a picture, the only

times he would give her small kisses or act sweet, the little hope she had began to get, vanished in an instant. She was only a pawn for him to use, she was a prisoner .It was during a shopping trip that the very thing she had been wishing for finally happened. Her bf had decided to take her out shopping for the first time in months, tired of seeing her in the same pair of clothes. She looked at the clothes in the thrift store, yeah he wouldn’t take her to expensive places anymore, apparently she wasn’t worth more than a few bucks to him. Not that she really cared anymore, she was never worth anything to begin with. After the very short shopping session they walked out of the store. She wasn’t really looking where she was walking and accidentally bumped into someone much bigger than her. She fell down on her ass, dropping her bag in the process. “Oh shit! My bad lassie-” The voice said, clearly someone Scottish. She looked up and oh lord the sight she saw. A very tall and frankly very muscular guy. He had blonde hair, his jawline was strong. He had a very stylish leather jacket on him, he was also pretty much half cybernetic. And his eyes… those beautiful orange-ish eyes, so full of life and energy… the complete opposite of hers. She was about to open her mouth and apologize but was cut off by her boyfriend. “Don’t apologize man, she should’ve been looking ahead.” Her boyfriend scoffed, taking hold of her arm and lifting her up rather harshly. “Cmon, apologize to him.” He demanded of her, giving her that look, she knew she would be in trouble later. “I-Im so sorry mister.. It was m-my bad.” She struggled with her words, not used to talking with other people. “It’s al’right. But are ya okay las?” He asked, one eyebrow raised a little bit after witnessing the way that man talked to her. She was surprised. Someone worried about her? Someone asking if she was okay? No no… He must be talking to her boyfriend. She was about to answer again but was stopped with a hard grip on her shoulder, making her wince. “She’s alright. Now go on mate, don't stick your nose into business that ain’t yours.” Her boyfriend said, turning her around to walk off. “Ay, wait up just a second here lass. Yer partner obviously ain’t feeling too well. And based on what I’ve seen by a minute I don’t think yer treatin’ her correct.” He said, stepping closer,

stopping her boyfriend by holding onto his shoulder. “Get your fucking hand off me. She is perfectly fine with me, right babe?” Her bf asked, threateningly. She stared between her boyfriend and the stranger. This could be her chance to escape from his constant torment and abuse, but the thought lingered, his threats made her hesitate a lot. ‘No no… (Name) this is your time. Who cares about his threats, you NEED to get out.’ Her mind would yell at her. “No.. No i'm not fine! He has been tormenting me for ages… I-I need help, please!” She said loudly, escaping from his grasp, her heart beating so fast. “You little fucking bitch! I’ll kill you-” He yelled out, about to punch her, only to be stopped by the strangers hand grasping his wrist. “Will you shut yer pus and get lost dafty.” He said, the threat evident in his voice. Her boyfriend stared at the stranger, his eyes wide. He let out a yell and went to punch the stranger, only to be met by a cybernetic hand to the face, knocking him out cold immediately. She gasped, looking away from the scene, afraid. “Sorry about that wee yin. Had to teach that scabby lass a lesson. Ya alright?” He turned to stare at her, keeping his distance, not wanting to scare the poor girl more. “I- thank you… Thank you so much…” She cried out. “It was nothin’ Could tell he wasn’t treatin’ ya right. The name’s Hazard, what about yus?” The man said, holding out a hand to give a gentle shake, if she wanted to of course. “(Name..)” She gave a weak smile, accepting the handshake.

- That all happened a good two years ago. It took a lot of time for her to open up to the idea of dating again. Hazard never pushed her into anything, nor did he really talk about wanting to be in a relationship with her directly. Of course from the day he met her, he already felt a certain pull towards her. Half a year after they met and started regularly hanging out his feelings truly became clear to him. She on the other hand felt safe for the first time in her life after they began hanging out, but the fear of it all going wrong again made her very scared and wary of everything they did together. It took her a good year before she realized she liked him, she didn’t know if she should pursue her feelings, and talk to him about him. She didn’t even know if he felt the same, she didn’t know if he would want to date someone as scared and vulnerable as her. After a long talk and feelings shared they shared a deep and meaningful hug, and they began dating slowly but surely. He assured her that every step of the way he would respect her boundaries, he would never initiate anything between them, she would have all the power. She respected that, a lot. A few months into their relationship she was ready to open up more about her past with her ex. She told him how he treated her, how her mental health suffered greatly because of him. How she was still struggling with her self esteem and mental problems because his words and actions would forever haunt her. Hazard listened through everything, gave her warm hugs whenever she started breaking down while explaining her story. Telling her it was never her fault and that her imperfections were what made her beautiful. He helped her get onto her feet, helped her with her eating disorder, getting her back to a healthy weight slowly but surely. Her hair got longer and more healthy, her bones slowly getting covered and her skin becoming more colorful. She still struggled with nightmares to this day, but whenever she woke up in tears he was there to wipe them away and calm her down. At the half year mark of their relationship she finally got the courage to kiss him, to let him hold her in a more intimate way, she loved every second of it. It had been so.. so very long since someone had loved her like Hazard did. He never went further than kissing her sweetly, he never even touched her unless she guided his hand somewhere on her body.

Her thoughts got cut off by Hazard patting her on the shoulder, pointing at the cafe they were supposed to eat at. She smiled at him and they went inside, ordering their food and going outside to eat. “Ay. I’m gonna go use the restroom real quick’ ait bonny?” Hazard smiled at her, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. “Of course darling, I'll wait out here.” She smiled at him, watching as he got up and headed into the cafe. She stared at the scenery around her, looking at all the people walking around and socializing with each other. She felt so happy with Hazard, she felt lucky that she bumped into him when she did, otherwise she feels she would still be trapped or in the worst case scenario dead. As she bit into her croissant, not really paying attention to her surroundings her ears picked up a familiar voice, her heart stopped for a moment, her eyes widening in panic. That voice… no no.. it can’t be. It can't be! She raised her gaze just slightly to see her abusive ex talking with his now possible partner. A really hot one at that, obviously he would only go for the model type girls. She stared for a moment, a mistake she would soon come to regret as his gaze wandered before landing onto her. His mood shifted, happiness turning into anger. She knew that gaze. The look he would always give her whenever he was angry or disappointed with her, the gaze he had when he laid his hands on her. He said something to the girl before walking towards her. No no no no! She panicked, immediately opening her phone and typing a panicked message to Hazard, hoping he would notice it quick enough. Her heart was racing, her anxiety skyrocketing, all the bad memories crashing down around her in an instant. She flinched as she felt a hand slam down in front of her, she almost dropped her phone in the process too but held it close. “Look what we have here. Little piggy out here eating all by herself. Still haven’t been able to let go of the treats huh? No wonder you’ve gained so much weight again!” He laughed mockingly. She couldn’t answer, she couldn’t look at him, the only thing she could do was sit completely still, eyes glued to the ground, shaking. He got irritated fast by her ignoring him, he took hold of her jaw, forcing her face to turn to him.

She screamed out alerting all the other people nearby, some of them continued on and some just stared. “Look at me when I'm talking to you bitch!” He spat at her. She refused to listen to him, this angered her ex and he was about to say something again, only to be lifted off of her into the air. She stared as Hazard held him up high by the collar of his jacket, anger filling her usually sweet and collected boyfriend. A look she had never seen before, and didn’t want to ever either. Her mind blocked out everything he yelled at her ex, she had stopped looking too, she held her head in her hands, her body shaking uncontrollably, she was about to have a breakdown. She heard the sound of a hard punch being thrown at someone and then a table getting smashed. Some people trying to get in between the fight and stop it. And as quickly as it all started it ended. Her ex was bruised and bloody on the ground, his now current girlfriend trying to wake him up, yelling profanities at Hazard. “Haud yer wheesht hackit. Yer boyfriend had it comin’ should’ve never come close to (name) again.” Hazard scoffed, before turning to (Name), seeing her in such a state broke his heart. “Come on bonny, let’s get outta here.” He said. She could only slowly nod as he took hold of her hand leading her away. The car ride was long and silent, Hazard kept looking at her, wanting to make small talk but he could tell she was in a bad place right now. As they finally arrived home she immediately got out of the car and ran inside her apartment, Hazard quickly following after. The moment she got inside her bedroom she fell to her knees breaking down completely, all the panic and years worth of memories breaking free. She cried out loudly, curling up into a small defensive ball, her body shaking like crazy. She couldn’t breathe, all she could hear and see were the memories. She could only hear her ex’s hurtful words, she could only feel the pain he inflicted on her. She was completely dissociated from the real world, being kept as a prisoner in her own memories. A few seconds felt like minutes to her. She was sweating profusely, her heart thumping against her chest.

Hazard ran into her bedroom, kneeling next to her, he didn’t know what to do. He had never seen this before, sure she had small episodes here and then but this was different. This was so much different. He tried to give her shoulder a reassuring squeeze but was met by her body twitching violently at the touch and her screaming out.

“STOP! DON’T HURT ME PLEASE!” She would yell, thinking Hazard was her ex. “No no no.. Bonny… It’s just me, you’re fine, you’re alright… I’m here.” Hazard spoke in such a sweet tone, trying to get her to calm down at least a little bit. She was still sobbing, still curled up not responsive. He didn’t give up, he talked to her through it all, he didn’t touch her, he didn’t want to trigger another reaction from her. He just talked, he told her about their old memories together having fun and laughing at stupid things. He talked to her about his gang, the things they do and the embarrassing memories of himself.

She was starting to calm down just slightly, her shaking becoming minimal, her loud cries turning into small sobs here and there. He would praise her for doing so good, for being a strong survivor. It had been almost an hour since her episode began and she was finally beginning to calm down enough for her body to relax. She wasn’t curled up into a tight ball anymore, she was still lying on the floor though, still unable to look at him.

“Yer doin’ so good wee yin. I’m proud of ya.” Hazard smiled, breathing out a sigh of relief.

“H-hazard..?” She mumbled out weakly, lifting herself up just slightly to look at him.

“Yeah bonny? I’m here, whateva you need I’ll get it for ya” Hazard said.

“D-Don’t leave me… please just.. just hold me.” She begged.

He didn’t need to be told twice, he didn’t even need to answer as his hands found themselves around her waist, pulling her into his embrace. She sat on his lap, her face in his bare chest, listening to his calm heartbeat, the warmth of his skin soothing her. His hands rubbed her back lovingly, whispering quiet praises into her ear. Her sobs disappeared completely, her body was now relaxed, her heart no longer racing and thumping against her chest. She could feel herself succumbing to fatigue, her vision slowly blacking.

“Tired.. I'm so tired…” She mumbled against his chest.

“I got ya. Let’s get into bed a‘right hun.” Hazard said, as he lifted her from the ground, holding her close.

He got into bed, still holding her close to her, having her almost on top of him. He pulled the covers over her and stared at the top of her head, giving her a small kiss to calm her down more. “Im never leaving yer side alright? Sleep well bonny.” He mumbled, still giving gentle rubs on her back. She felt safe, she could sleep without worrying about anything. She knew Hazard was a good man, she let sleep take her into dreamland. And for the first time in a long long time she did not see nightmares. She only saw Hazard in her dreams, she saw dreams of their future, living out their days together in happiness. A smile decorated her face, a sight that made Hazard's heart jump in happiness. He truly loved this woman to bits, he would do anything for her, Anything.

- our little green flag bf.

[slightlyhozy]

“Through the Cold, I’ll Find my Way Back to You.”

Chapter 2: “All my love and terror, balanced there between those eyes.”

Characters: Púca! Andrew Hozier-Byrne x Original Female Character

Summary: Maisie Quinn, after inheriting a home in Ireland from her late grandmother, slowly learns a dark past about the land in which it was built on.

Word Count - 2,098

Warnings - None except for animal death and descriptions of their bodies

A/N - I’m still learning how to write longer chapters, I will get better!

That day, I had looked into whatever the hell this Púca was. Seeing that it wasn’t necessarily a danger in any stories made my anxiety ease, which was a bit embarrassing since I didn’t even believe that it existed.

Closing my laptop, I looked around my new bedroom, the wooden floors were effortlessly dusty and cracked. Grunting, I opened my laptop again, in pursuit of finding someone in the area to install new flooring in certain rooms.

Settling was getting easier despite the fact Mary was the only person I really knew, On a good note, I already had a form in for a commission out in Dublin; they wanted me to paint a mural in the lobby of their office building. I figured the best way to go about living in a new country was to make connections anyway.

——————————————————————

That night, I lay with Lenny in my arms, surrounded by blankets, as some movie played. I pressed a kiss on his head as we cuddled. My mind kept drifting back to the monster, my mind constantly justifying why it wasn’t real; I knew it wasn’t real. I thought about the property and area surrounding it; there were never any bad vibes; it always seemed normal.

While thoughts scurried around my head, a familiar scratch caught me off guard, making me jump. The fox.

My head turned to the door, sighing, I was tempted to go and feed the fox. Thinking back to my conversation with Elsie, interfering with wildlife really wasn’t a good idea. I had just moved here, I should at least put the effort into making a good impression, if not to anyone in particular.

As my dog growled, his attention turned to the door, and I began to pet him in an attempt to calm him down. I understood he tended to be protective of me but never like this, over an animal. “Lenny, shhh.” Scratching behind his ears, he whimpered towards the door, moving to lay back beside me.

Trying to focus on the movie, I could hear the creature outside screaming for attention, it was borderline eerie. I continued to sit, it wasn’t my place to feed it, that was the fox’s job.

After ten minutes, I couldn't handle it anymore. Turning off the TV, I stood up and walked to the stairs, going up to my bedroom for the night.

——————————————————————

I grumbled, pulling weeds from the gravel of the garden. I had been at it for hours now, only joined by the sound of Van Morrison singing in my ears and the chirps of birds in the trees. Other than the labor, it was therapeutic.

Sitting back, I took a swig of water, looking around the garden. The weather had been nice, it was early September, so the weather had started getting colder than it was before. The sky was white, and the trees were less vibrant. As I pulled out the invasive plants, my eyebrows raised as my eyes fell on a small mouse.

The furry rodent in question was undoubtedly dead, but the only injury was a bloody wound on its side. As I continued to pull weeds, 3 more bodies were found. Initially, I believed that there was a cat that lurked in my garden, but then also the lack of injury or puncture to the bodies made no sense. I felt as though I was turning into a skeptic or just feeling the effects of my disorder. Before I could spiral, I was brought back to life by a bird call.

Looking up into the tree, I immediately recognized the black stripe along its eyes, much like a bandit’s mask. Oh. It was a shrike, I wasn’t even aware they had those in Ireland. Internally, I thanked myself for having a bird phase, otherwise, I would be sent into a phase of paranoia over dead mice. Still, I was puzzled around the fact that the mice weren’t eaten, simply impaled, then dropped.

I wasn’t too sure what could be wrong with the animals in the area, perhaps there’s a disease spreading amongst species. I wasn’t informed enough to really have a clue, but it was almost creepy.

While I pondered, another bird flew next to perch beside the shrike. After a moment, the two began to squawk and fight with eachother, their beaks clashing. Not being interested in watching what could happen to the smaller bird picking a fight with a brutal predator, I collected my garden tools and water bottle, making my way back to the house.

Lenny was sniffing around the yard as I cleared out the mouse corpses, like I had the other animal on my porch. The sun was slowly setting, and all I could think about was getting a proper drink and starting on a personal art project, the subject of which is still a mystery to me.

——————————————————————

Over the next few nights, the fox seemed to only get more aggressive. I frowned as I stared at my front door, this time, a dead rabbit was left. Did it think that I ran out of food? The rabbit itself would be unedible if I even wanted to eat it, it was completely squished, presumably roadkill. The wood along the door had been scratched, deep. A shiver ran up my spine as my finger reached out to trace the marks, the light inner wood going about half an inch deep. I wasn’t even sure how it was possible, but I also knew that I would now have to invest in new flooring and a door.

I was a bit worried that it would attack me if I didn’t feed it; with no evidence to back this up, any creak or sound outside would make me jump. When I slept, I dreamt of it attacking me or Lenny. So now, after three nights of ignoring the animal, I decided to give in.

It was almost one in the morning, finally, my couch had been installed, freeing me from the pain of having to haul my long limbs off the ground. With a small tub of ice cream in my hand, I was binge-watching Breaking Bad. The sound of Walter White monologing went through one ear, out the other as I anxiously awaited the arrival of the fox. I was almost worried it wouldn’t come. Why was I worried? Why wouldn’t I want it gone?

As if it were summoned, a familiar squaking woke me from my thoughts, immediately sending me to pause my show and put my ice cream somewhere Lenny couldn’t reach. I shushed him with my finger to my lips. As I went to look through the window. To my expectations, the small animal stood on the top of the steps, its green eyes gleaming under the poarch light.

Afraid of any chances of Lenny putting himself in danger, I led the dog to the study, shutting him inside, the door muffling his barks and growls.

In the kitchen, I worked to fix a wet bowl of dog food and a scoop of pumpkin purée on top. Opening the door, the fox stood expectantly. I set the bowl down, quickly moving to shut the glass door so I could see it eat. Again, it’s eyes stalked me as it ate eagerly, as if I had starved it. Perhaps it couldn’t hunt, wouldn’t…? If it couldn’t, where were these dead animals coming from?

——————————————————————

Fresh air. Fresh air was what I needed, space, was what I needed.

The morning after the encounter with the fox, I decided to go to the beach with Lenny. Throwing on a grey knit sweater, black jeans, boots, and a beanie, I clip on Lenny’s leash, his tail wagging faster than it had in a long time. As I go outside, I make sure to clean up the brutalized hedgehog left on my porch, the guts splattered across my porch. As I cleaned up the insides, visibly unhappy, I simultaneously fought Lenny back from eating it.

Smelling the sea was a specific kind of nostalgia, the beach itself wasn’t too different than some back in Washington. The air kisses my cheeks as I fight it, the clashing waves soothing my ears. I clutched the leash, hoping he wouldn’t try and run along the beach.

I felt grateful that there was no one in the morning, just me, my coffee, and my dog. I wonder if I was becoming a loner, back home, I seemed to be going out every day, with friends and making them as well. Now, all I had available was Mary. As much as I enjoyed some alone time, I wondered how long it would take until it became too lonely for me, I wondered how long it would be until I found a routine with my work, more clients, and when I would meet local artists.

Taking in the scent again, I closed my eyes, the cool wind making me feel more grounded and alive than I had in a year. Keeping them closed, I continued to walk into what seemed to be a never-ending path, curving around the water.

As if enjoying my solitude was too much, my eyes scrunched up as my shoulder was bumped. My eyes shot open as I helplessly watched my coffee cup fall against the sand, the contents leaking into the grains. Lenny immediately went to investigate, sniffing and licking the spill.

After picking up the cup, I look up the figure that disrupted my walk. He was tall. Around 9 inches taller than me, his nose and cheeks were a dusty pink from the cold, the coloration obvious from the cold weather.

His beard was nicely groomed, but his hair was messy and greasy.  Above his pronounced cheekbone, there was a small, healing cut across the skin. His eyes were cold and endless, not kind but not uninviting. Where the hell did he even come from?

“Sorry… Uh, I wasn’t paying attention. I wasn’t too sure why I was apologizing, according to my therapist, it was one of my weakest traits. The stranger stepped back, sizing me up.

He didn’t reply, I could hear Lenny by my side, growling lowly. “Really, sorry, he’s just protective... I promise he’s a good dog.”

“It’s alright.” His voice was deep, rich, and smooth like honey, he was hansome in general, just unsettling. He brushed a gloved hand through his brown curls, his green eyes following me.

I wasn’t sure what to do, I was pretty desperate for interactions, and he only seemed 10 years older than me at most. “Nice weather?” I cringed at my terrible use of small talk.

“Alright. Cold.”

“I mean, it usually is... cold.” Awkwardly, I itched at my neck, unsure what to do. “I’m Maisie.” I held my hand out, his eyes just darting to stare at it, not accepting it.

“Andrew. Are you American?”

I swallowed nervously, I didn’t want to come off as an uneducated, arrogant American prick. “Uh, well, yes, I just moved in... I live over..east..” My arm extended to point towards my home.

“I know.” My face immediately grew concerned, he knew? How?

“What do you mean?”

He didn’t reply.

“Andrew… Do you live around here? Or do you like, drive down here for walks.” His brows furrow, as if I were asking something invasive.

“I live near here, I like water.” His hand reaches up to scratch at the scab forming on his face, I notice how one of his glove fingers has the tip torn off.

I nod along awkwardly, maybe he didn’t get out much? “Yeah, me too... It’s nice to live this close to the ocean.” He doesn't answer again. “I lived in Seattle, so I was really far away from the ocean, sometimes, we’d go visit family on the coast.”

His brows furrow. “Where’s that?”

“Washington? Uh, it’s in the Pacific Northwest of America; Kurt Cobain was born there.” He seemed clueless. “Oh…” My face furrows with concern as I see blood, almost black, start to drip down his face. “You…your scab… It’s kind of..” I try to point it out casually, not trying to be rude.

Moving his hand away, Andrew moves to lick his finger, his brows raising. “Oh,” He doesn’t seem too concerned with the color of his blood as he observes it. “Habit.”

“Right,” As I am about to speak more, my phone rings—the flooring installers I had been talking to. “Oh, sorry, I need to take this.” I whisper to him as I back up, pressing my phone to my ear. He just gives me a weak wave as I turn away, waiting for my turn in the cue.

As I turned back around not even a minute later to say goodbye, he was gone. Andrew. The weirdest and one of the rudest men I had ever met.

A/N: ANDREW DOESNT STAY LIKE THIS THE WHOLE TIME I PROMISE HE ISNT BORING

[boneyardbob]

Whoops I said I’d post this like three days ago my bad. Head canons for the masks in Marble Hornets! I may post a bunch of shorter stuff that are general headcanons soon. Also if you want more details on this lmk I’d love to dive deeper @forgottenporkbun @monszsterz

Here's my headcanons for the masks. Honestly I could go on like a huge, rambling essay about why I think these things, my inspo for these ideas, down to the details of what they feel like and how they work but Imma try and keep this short. I plan to put all that other stuff in my fics anyway and if you're reading this you'll probably wanna read my MH fics so you'll figure it out eventually. The idea that Tim and Brian made their mask with stuff from Hobby Lobby is REALLY funny but I have to stick with the idea the masks are gifts from The Operator (TO). Tim got his in college because if he was given it at any point while in the hospital, it would probably be found and taken away. TO waited until Tim was free before gifting it. Its when their "relationship" begun. TO switched from this unfamiliar, constantly looming monster into this warped guardian angel. This is obviously very fleeting because by the time Jay runs into Tim in MH, he's forgotten this entirely, or repressed it, and is back to viewing TO how he did his entire childhood.

During the tail end of college, while filming Alex's project, is when this Masked Era began and it ended for an unknown reason a quarter of the way into MH. My timeline isn't great but roughly that's the situation we're talking about. This is when we get all those videos of Masky and Hoody stalking Jay and Alex. I don't think I could fully call Tim and TO's relationship that of worship but that's the closest I can get. Tim knew what he was dealing with was some kind of unimaginable creature, but it could feel human emotions FOR HIM. At least if he listened. If Tim did what TO wanted, then in return he got benefits. At some point he understood TO needed him-either to keep living or to stay grounded to earth, and things got a little extra toxic. I imagine its a LOT like the Fears and their respective Avatars in TMA. I use you to get food, I give you powers that make it easier for you to get food, win win.

These benefits were really only accessed when wearing his mask. The more he wore it and the more work he put in for TO, the better things got. At the very least it instantly cleared up his lungs so he could breathe easily, he no longer suffered from migraines, he didn't have any hallucinations that weren't purposeful messages from TO, and most debilitating affects from mental disorders were gone so he wouldn't feel depressed or anxious. Fuck if I had a magical mask that made me neurotypical and took away my chronic illness I'd kill people in the woods too/j. More benefits were added on with time like growing stronger, healing faster, its kinda giving the vampires from Twilight ngl. My RP partner and I make a LOT of Twilight vampire jokes about them. It also spiraled Tim into a euphoric mania, giving him the energy and desire to sprint around the woods all hours of the night. This was an addictive sensation that had him craving his mask. He had to share it with someone.

His closest (and really only) friend at the time was Brian so he opened up to him about it and eventually got him involved. Because of Tim's medication and natural resilience to TO he eventually got OUT of this cult-like situation but Brian couldn't. He got to the point he was constantly under that mask and if he took it off for long enough, he'd probably suffocate and die. This explains why he ends up homeless, constantly in his mask state, and seems to have uncanny abilities. He just disappears into thin air, he seems to be doing physically GREAT despite living on a mattress in the woods with no source of food or money, and we only ever hear him cough. That ties back into my idea their vocal cords melt due to the TO disease. He can take the mask off for short bits of time. Its not like an astronauts helmet, more so an oxygen tank while hiking a tall mountain.

[imagine-shenanigans]

I'm getting back into the swing of things for writing, so here's some random safe for work headcanons because I've been reading an obscene amount of x reader content (Please go check out Aggre(g/v)ation by llama goddess, and Saving Three Ex-cell-ent skeletons by recklessly caffeinated on ao3 because I got brain worms babey.)

Also since its been awhile since I've written something on this blog, remember that these are stream of consciousness teehee <3

(General tws: references (but not explicitly said) to past consumption of humans, ED/Disordered eating and mental health issues, au-typical violence references, etc)

Word Count: 2.2k words ish

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Horrortale!Sans (Skull) x Reader Misc SFW Headcanons

My favorite thing is when people portray sans in any light as either Just A Little Guy or as Fuckin Huge and Skull is a Big Boy <333 he's easily 7 feet tall, and Built Fucking Different.

Monsters can't like, completely and utterly alter the type of monster they are, so you won't see a Bunny Monster turn into a Moldsmal but its very widely understood that magic reflects the soul reflects the mind reflects the body - so its not really something where monsters experience dysphoria as much? Like if a monster is afab, but realizes they're trans and a guy, it may take awhile to transition - and they may need some help via magic other than their own - but it's really normal in comparison.

Unfortunately, the positive aspects of the whole "mind/soul/body" equation in that you'll eventually look how you want so long as you put the effort into changing every day can also be blocked by trauma and "scarring" to the soul. It's pretty rare in the canon universe, but for Horrortale monsters its damn near exclusive - when you have to do anything you can to survive, adaptation to your environment makes you a hell of a lot scarier in compenstation.

Skull is one such monster where if it weren't for his injury, he'd be a complete 180 from the typical monsters you see. But because of it, it makes it harder to control his magic because he can't think straight. It takes him longer to form sentences, takes him longer to process words sometimes, or even read. He gets light sensitivity really bad, and because his body change wasn't by his choice, but by an unfortunate way of being injured while in a traumatic situation, Skull, no matter how much better he gets, will never fully go back to what he was before.

He's extremely self-conscious about his size and his looks, not to mention his mental capacity. He knows and can think about what he's doing, his mind has never lost that sharpness or intellect. He can strip a machine down to parts and put it back together or put it to other use in minutes, but if you ask him to write it down or explain it he's going to have one hell of a time and he'll probably leave the experience worse than he went into it.

Similarly, if he does want to talk, in one of his rare moods where he's explaining what he's doing out loud to you, he could go on for hours, but suddenly hit a block where the words don't work right.

Be patient with him when this happens. He doesn't like it, and even though it can be frustrating at times, like if you're trying to decide something for dinner or write up a grocery list, he really is doing his best.

Sign language is a good alternative when the words don't want to come out but he's still able to communicate - writing can be one sided, but sometimes thats all he can do too.

When an idea strikes the both of you one day to just draw what he's thinking, Skull could fucking kiss you senseless when you hand him a white board and a dry erase marker. Words may not be making sense in his brain but he can picture what he wants in those moments so this is the perfect compromise between the two for communication.

Skull is his name now, so even though he was once Sans, Skull is what he picked as the reclamation of all that's happened to him. A name that he picked to get him through it day by day but its also a reminder of where he's been and where he'll go. That said... it's also a name he initially picked as a form of self harm to some degree, a mocking reference to his own injury that hindered him.

So while he'll probably never change his name again... he appreciates it when you call him pet names. It's a reminder that you love him enough to do so, while also giving himself a break from the constant reminder. He particularly loves when you call him your "Big old teddy bear" because... god he does not feel like it sometimes.

Get it its a reference to some of the fandom calling him Bear and I love that name for him a lot too

Due to the past, he has some Big Issues With Food, constantly bouncing back and forth between feast and famine.

He has some issues with meat at times - on bad days certain textures and tastes just remind him of the bad times in his life where survival was such a tightrope walk that just imagining eating it makes him sick.

A very "safe food" house, where the two of you stock up on your safe foods and have a cupboard dedicated to it for days you can't stand anything else.

Some days, Skull is content for the two of you to eat at the kitchen table or to watch TV in the living room while you two eat from separate bowls/plates, and he can eat fairly freely, not particularly caring who eats how much or in what order.

Others... other days he anxiously watches to make sure you've had a serving before he gets his, or, more likely, he brings the full pan/a single platter to the table, and the two of you share the same food, taking bites in turn so he can make sure you're getting enough to eat.

King of cooking. It makes him feel better to have full say of what goes into the meals, and honestly the man is an excellent cook. If you insist on helping him cook, it's a 50/50 on whether he gives you this smug little smile and sets you up on the counter top so he can look at you while he cooks, or if he actually lets you help.

He feels out of control if he can't cook, so even on special occasions he's still going to be cooking himself, unless you feel the Urge To Cook or you two order out.

Even then, please just go over with him what you did step by step and tell him what fully went in it - he trusts you implicitly and he's unlikely to outright ask... but it always helps ease his mind when you walk him through what you did just so he can feel less guilty.

Cuddler.

Big fucking cuddler.

Sitting on the couch alone? Not for long. Skull appears? Bam. you're in his lap, his claws smoothing across your skin and through your hair, purring up a storm as he settles his chin on the top of your head and closes his eyes.

If you're watching TV, he's only ever going to pay half attention if he's got you in his lap, half-snoozing in a very light doze as he basks in your presence, and half listening for danger/to the TV depending on the day.

He ADORES when you read to him. He loves it when you talk, and when he gets to listen to storytime while you talk? Best. Day. Ever.

Loves how small you are in comparison to him - something he never thought he'd be comfortable with at first, just based on the idea alone, but in practice he loves being completely wrapped around you and making sure you're safe. You're his personal teddy bear, no matter how many times you call him that yourself.

Jetpacking/Him being the little spoon is... unlikely. He's got some damn broad shoulders and chest, and he's not super happy with the idea of your limbs inside of him no matter if its on purpose or not.

If you want to hold him, he's definitely okay with that (although he does prefer to hold you) as long as you're touching him. You'll just have to let him set his head in your lap, or rest against your chest as he snuggles you chest to... well not chest, so more chest-to-skull and chest-to-legs with how he holds you. He's very beefy and has presence but he's about half the weight most people expect, despite the fact that it should be obvious because he's a skeleton.

He lets out the most broken whimper-whine-purr when you gently kiss the cracks on his skull, close to the gaping wound there. Don't actually touch inside or press too close to the wound itself, because that's genuinely very uncomfortable in the way it would be if he were human and had a missing eye and you touched the inside of the socket to see what it felt like. Just overall a bad experience so Don't Do That No Matter What The Intrusive Thoughts Say, although he'd let you do it in a heartbeat if you asked him

Absolutely whipped. Skull will do anything and everything you say if you just look at him just like that - just like he's your everything, like you love him without bounds and without exception. Puppy eyes also work.

He's a goddamn simp is what he is,

You'll just be minding your own business and you'll look over and catch him staring at you like you've hung the moon and the stars just to provide him with a small amount of your light during the nighttime. He looks at you with such adoration that it hurts.

Sometimes it looks a little freaky like, before you've come to automatically understand his expressions but goddamnit its so hard not to fall in love with him even just by a little more when he loves you so fucking much.

Kissies? Kissies for Skull? Please?

man FIENDS for kissies.

Once he's more comfortable giving affection unprompted you can barely keep his fucking hands off of you. He goes from "I Can And Will Nuzzle You And Pull You Into My Lap But That's It" to "No Kissies? No Snuggles? No Love For Skull? Oh! Jail! Jail For Datemate! Jail For Datemate For One Thousand Years!"

He straight up just hangs off of your clothing while staring at you until you give him a kiss or a hug. He'll come up to you and just bury his face into your neck while purring, or nuzzle your hair, but then moments later pout at you while wrapping his arms around your middle and burying his face into your stomach until you give up whatever youre doing and pay attention to him.

He doesn't do it often But By God Does He Get His Way When He Does.

He's also the type to just like, spend the entire day giving you small pecks on the lips and cheeks and forehead, and then snuggle you at night, and then the next day he'll be way less clingy. You take it in stride and then he just out of the blue dips you in the fucking moonlight and kisses you senseless.

The bastard.

Circling back to pet names, he thinks the nickname Teddybear/Bear is cute and he likes it, but call him My Love/Love/Dear Heart/something else dripping with affection and he's cupping your face in his hands and staring at you adoringly while he rubs your cheek with his claw.

Surprise him with new ones and he'll turn positively blue in the face while smiling like a fool

Surprise him with silly ones and he'll be even more in love while laughing. call him your little chicken nugget and he cant stop smiling and chuckling for a few hours. God. He'll dream of kissing you under the moonlight if you make a pun out of it.

(Brief aside here so I can avoid the text character limit "per block" but I prefer doing bullet point lists for these so anyway continue on)

Pet names always depend on the person, so whatever his one for you depends on you as a person (thats the easy way out for me) but he prefers just one pet name. (Aside from like. Babe being thrown in sometimes yknow)

He'll start with one pet name and see how you react to it - he prefers cute ones like Kitten, Bunny, Lovebird, etc. Something small and cute and adorable - though he changes it up depending on what you respond best to, because while the majority of the reason he calls you a pet name is out of affection, he still calls you pet names to see you get flustered.

On days he's feeling better, he gets more sassy he's gonna include more puns. Or teasing. Example - if he calls you lovebird, or some sort of bird-based nickname? Fuckin. He's calling you pigeon to see how you react.

Bunny? Hare-brain

Kitten? Fuzzball

If its an animal/bird/etc that he calls you in terms of nicknames, he might even refer to you as the scientific name of the animal, or a breed in that category because he thinks its funny to watch you fully stop in your tracks and process what he's just said.

Picks you up at any given opportunity.

Puddle? Oh dear, he should make sure your shoes don't get wet. Better princess carry you.

About to miss an appointment? Thrown over a shoulder.

Just feels like it? Get Scooped Idiot. Okay i have Way More Thoughts but I'm already at 2k because I have no impulse control so byeeeee come request more xreader stuff from me

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

Animation-twitter, animation video essay youtube, etc. would probably be better off if they assumed every upcoming animated movie was going to be CRAP.

The director of INSIDE OUT 2, Kelsey Mann, has talked a bit about the picture recently. After all, it's out in less than two months... And immediately, so much of what he's saying is either being misread or quoted out of context. Something something Anxiety is going to be "the villain", something something they cut characters Shame and Guilt out of the movie because they felt it was too heavy, something something-

And we've got other people freaking out that Pixar showed 35 minutes of it at CinemaCon... LIKE... What's THE issue? Pixar has done that before! CinemaCon attendees were treated to half-hour chunks of Pixar movies in the past, like MONSTERS UNIVERSITY. When TOY STORY 3 was coming out, Pixar prepared a cut of the movie that ended just as the toys were escaping Sunnyside Daycare... to show to college campuses across the country a month before release.

Y'all need to calm down.

This movie isn't even out. We don't know how it'll tell its story exactly. Maybe there's more here than it seems? Maybe Anxiety will be an antagonist in the sense that she's doing what she feels is right, or is straight-up malevolent. I doubt it's the latter, that would be kind of... Not nuanced? For a sequel to INSIDE OUT? Having Anxiety just be an evil scheming bad guy just doesn't seem like it'll happen, nor is it a good idea. I think director Kelsey Mann meant that by her kicking the other emotions out of the main control room, she'll be the "big bad" of the movie. Why she kicks those emotions out could be related to how anxiety tends to work within the human brain. Taking control of your brain, thinking that it's steering you to make the right decision, making you cautious of dangers more so than "Fear" does. Pixar movies have had antagonists in the past that aren't necessarily evil, they just think what they're doing is right.

I also doubt that Pixar would let out a movie that flat-out stigmatizes people who suffer from anxiety disorders, such as myself. Maybe the Shame and Guilt characters were cut from the movie because director Mann, writer Meg LeFauve, and several others just didn't like the direction the story was going with them in it. Maybe it was too depressing for THEM, not because of any concerns for kids in the audience. People tend to associate Pixar with "tearjerking storylines", maybe it's possible that this went WAY TOO FAR at one point? I don't know, neither do you. Pixar's team isn't Disney Animation's leadership. Pete Docter is less controlling than John Lasseter based on everything I see and hear, but there are probably still some ground rules and some do's-and-don'ts. But I think it was ultimately down to the director not enjoying making the film back when it had these characters in it. As a writer/creator myself, I sometimes pull back when I feel something I'm making is causing ME lose the drive to make the thing in the first place. Maybe it hit too close to home for Mann, LeFauve, someone- Just a few variables, ya know? Not just "Pixar is too afraid to be sad", "Disney's telling them what to do", etc. etc.

Maybe animated movies shouldn't have this kind of pre-release thing... How about, just... Movie title, release date, BOOM. Nothing else. No interviews with the filmmakers and cast, no nothing... Wanna know more? You have to see it when it comes out! Put that in big letters in the teaser trailer!

But if they did that, twitter and the YouTube Animation Opinion Industrial Complex would sound the alarm: "They're not saying anything... IS THIS MOVIE IN TROUBLE???"

(sarcasm for those last two sets of sentences)

You can't win. And watch... It'll come out, and it'll be disliked for some weird reason. Probably because it isn't... PUSS IN BOOTS 2 or whatever. While the rest of the world goes, "Yeah, that's was pretty solid." And said population streams it on Disney+ a gazillion times. I'm not part of this "animation fandom" thing, quite frankly I don't even know what half of these people want most of the time. It seems like every movie is an oncoming stinker to them, and it ends up being a stinker. Sometimes the worst thing ever made, a work of evil. You know I still see people raging over that completely harmless CHIP N' DALE RESCUE RANGERS movie from two years back? The fuck is that all about?

I get that INSIDE OUT is a sequel to a beloved Pixar movie, I get that the original movie means a lot to so many people. I love it myself. At the same time, I'm not gonna be weird about a sequel I never even wanted until the day they announced it. Okay, if it isn't very good, I'll just go on with my life. But we're not even there yet... It's not out... This is the only INSIDE OUT sequel. Now if we were coming up on an INSIDE OUT 3, and INSIDE OUT 2 managed to somehow upset everybody? Then I'd somewhat understand...

Others will dole out their dislike of recent Pixar movies as their reason, but you know me... I feel each Pixar movie - for the most part - is a statement of its filmmaking team. Not a Mr. Pixar person coming up with each and every movie. (That was Lasseter in a sense, lol.) If "animation is cinema", then you oughta look at these movies as director-driven. I feel the other way around reduces the films to a brand, and not the people who actually make them. INSIDE OUT is first and foremost a Pete Docter-directed film... Made at Pixar. Not a "Pixar film". Pixar isn't a person nor is it a collective, it's a place. It should be judged on how functions as a movie and as a sequel to INSIDE OUT, not up against other movies made at the studio by other people. Like I'm not here for THE INCREDIBLES or UP, I'm here for an INSIDE OUT sequel. I know, that's a very radical opinion to have. Silly me!

I just don't get it... I'm just gonna do it the old-fashioned way... I'm going to see the movie, and hope that I like it or get something out of it.

[ibusukiss]

Boueibu Rewatch

Thursday's for the Boys! 11

Happy Kiss! Episodes 4-6

Episode 4

If ep 2 established HK as my favorite season, ep 4 was the cherry on top

i wonder if gora gave nanao the OK to bring a floating tray and tea into the onsen

idk if its a writing thing or a culture thing or what but i feel like i can understand all the monsters' problems in HK, but in s1 and s2 some of them feel completely abstract

UGHHH the plot point of Ichiro worrying abt the time capsule and knowing that nanao would read his letter is so *chef's kiss* they build up to it so well!!!!!!!!!! AAAGHH I LOVE PLOT

ichiro "no youthful passion" bro your character song is called Dash Dash Dash so idk what ur talking about

the funny thing about this season is it only hints at the seitokai being rich, and here it only says that Taiju's family owns a construction company, which isnt the megacorp richboy son vibes i get from s1 seitokai - i always assumed caerula adamas were MUCH richer than edelstein but only bc they made their wealth more explicit in s1? I think by making it implied in this season they made the seitokai's families seem more like blue collar ceo's rather than megacorp ceo's

i will ALWAYS headcanon that Taishi cleaned up his act bc he was trying to act more like Nanao so Ichiro would like him

THIS is what I'm talking about - by trying to write fanservice they have fully surpassed the queerbait IMO and fully just wrote that Ichiro has a crush on Nanao

i assume Kyochan wasnt trying to be sus when he tucked the photo into his pocket but this moment the first time i watched it was very 'HOLY FUCK THEYRE KEEPING SECRETS FROM EACHOTHER OHH THE INTRIGUE OHHH MY GOD" which i suppose is something the seitokai do in this season later!

I just remember when this was coming out feeling so much unbridled joy from how cheesy this season is - it gave me so much serotonin LMAO

Ata as a little kid with his black bob makes me insane - wym he had a slutty black bob as an elementary schooler??????

Serenity you already said this but I must reiterate that it is WILD that Kyoata have eachother's contact info and seem to text often enough that its not strange for Kyotaro to text Ata out of the blue - they deffo arent nearly as estranged as Kinatsu were

Episode 5 (CW: discussion of eating disorders and weight stigma)

We have now entered what I think of as the 4-episode lull of HK where the episodes dont hit as hard - not bad in any sense but theyre just not as iconic as 1-4 or 9-12

*midori gets up on their soapbox*

I have a lot of thoughts about Maasa. I dont normally have such a strong headcanon for a character - but their whole arc feel so strongly to me like the story of a trans person who has a lot of complicated feelings about their body. While that's CLEARLY not what the writers intended it is how I choose to interpret their character bc 1. i have to put my dirty trans hands on everything and 2. to me - Maasa's story is uncomfortable and poorly written otherwise

some context: I have a lot of Complicated Feelings about weight stigma/body image and spend FARRR too much time learning about the science of dieting and eating disorders, so naturally I am gonna take this episode WAY more seriously than intended - youve been warned LOL

While my bar for anime is extremely low, I am pleasantly surprised at how this ep handles talking about weight with the exception of Maasa's diet. It has always looked explicitly like disordered eating - full restriction of fats/sugars is Very extreme and dangerous, and completely goes against the 'as long as you're healthy' sentiment the episode promotes - I take issue with that mindset anyway bc 1. why should only 'healthy' people have bodies that are excused from criticism/ridicule and 2. who gets to decide what 'healthy' looks like? does healthy imply thinness? to some people, yes! But regardless, extremely restrictive diets aren't 'healthy' anyway, so no dice there, HK.

And Ata is right! People do resent those who represent the opposite of their greatest fears! The implication here being that most people's greatest fear is being fat - and therefore bully the guy who will absolutely never be fat. While I dont think anyone should bully anyone about their body, this messaging makes fatness out to be the enemy in a way that I'm not in love with :/ This ep doesn't address the relentless, institutionally-ordained negative messaging that people receive about fat bodies, which definitely fuels the need on a personal level to bite back at those who those messages dont apply to - not an excuse of course, but a much-needed explanation.

It just feels strange that the episode that is saying 'dont bully this guy because his body is a certain way' is also saying 'we support your decision to make everyone in the school fat because it's your greatest fear and youre lashing out at your peers because of it' ? I know, I know, it's not that deep, the writers weren't thinking about this shit.

*midori steps down from their soapbox*

i love the detail of Taishi wiping the steam off his glasses

now i want ramen T_T

Episode 6

Ata's umbrella has always FASCINATED me - bc i think the writers were just making him seem overly-fancy, but it reads gothic lolita??? So is he a prep or a goth??? what does he dress like outside of school??!?!? I must know!!!!!!

Taishi recites fun facts to self-soothe

Umbrella guy is me trying to make conversation at work lmao

It's interesting that Taiju and Maasa are taken aback by Ata talking about not wanting to carry the 'umbrellas of commoners', maybe theres a bit of Furanui's influence in there? and it's not normal for him to think like that?

LMAOOO I forgot about the bit with Nanao distracting umbrella guy, thats such a good bit

Ata 'likes spending time at home' PERFECT for my headcanon that he has social anxiety

Taiju wanting to stay longer bc Ata's not leaving bc he's worried Ata is taking this whole thing too seriously and needs to babysit a bit longer

'its hard to care when it's raining' PERFECT for my headcanon that Kyotaro has depression

I project a lot on these characters if you couldnt tell

[ms-all-sunday]

w7 robin is creepy. most creepy thing about her is how she refuses to react to any of it. like the most creepy reveal ive ever seen in anything is that robin doesnt even need to be put in seastone handcuffs to listen to the government. shes either completely nonreacting in a way that makes you feel intensely uncomfortable or reacting like she's seen a monster right in front of her that you cant see but shes convinced is there.

when i call robin creepy in water 7 im doing it with the knowledge shes coming off as creepy because she has personality disorders and ptsd, and shes in a triggering situation for her that is partially her fault and partially the governments, (like i genuinely think w7 is the best possible representation of being triggered ive ever seen, i really do fucking intensely relate to robin.)

i think the reason i feel so comfortable in calling her creepy on this blog despite the fact i have never been comfortable doing so in reference to any other character with that level of trauma is that the reason she's creepy in water 7 is not from a point of alienation?

i always used to think "having a mentally ill person be bad means they get nagito komaedaed" and what i meant by that is they get alienated from the narrative. its a thought i had specifically after seeing persona 5s akechi play out (that game should on paper be way more sympathetic and not alienating towards akechi than it is) and it was the best representation ive seen of someone being bad and mentally ill that i had seen up until that point, but he still gets nagito komaedaed.

as in, i feel he gets alienated from the audiences perspective and you are supposed to view him as a horror monster rather than a character. akechi is kind of like progressive nagito komaeda.

so when i call robin creepy, i mean that in the sense i don't think her perspective gets alienated from the audience. (in the nagito komaeda way) i think you're supposed to always view her as a friend and someone close to you. which i think is where the good horror comes from in regards to how she acts in water 7. you fundamentally couldn't have the horror of her situation impact you as much as it does in w7, without the understanding extended to her.

the story water 7 is about a lot of things, but most of them can be captured in "when mentally ill people do bad things because they're mentally ill" and i struggle really bad when i'm perceived as creepy or monstrous because of how i act in regards to my mental illness, being able to conceptualize someone seeing me as creepy even when they love me and are close to me or even because of it helps with that a lot. and there's naunce to it too, because in canon robin also has people perceiving her as a literal demon child and that from other people is coming from a horrible place.

this also leads me into how great of a title "demon child" is for her, because she allows herself to be defined by that trauma for the majority of her life and the title reflects that. both how she lets other people define her by it and herself.

[left-for-carrion]

roach's intro post :3c

blog tags:

roach's killer - gore/snuff stuff. block if you don't want to see that

roach's scars - sh stuff, please block this tag if you don't wish to see that sort of thing

roach's mutt - stuff about me being a mutt/petplay

roach's angel - stuff about me being an angel

roach's god - stuff about me being a god/my worshippers

roach's rambles - just random stuff not particularly kink related

roach's doctor - med kink stuff

roach's stalker - stalking fantasy stuff

roach's robot - robotic kink stuff

DNI:

Minors, please don't get me arrested dudes

Pro-contact zoophiles [petplay/people who identify as animals are welcome]

Pro-contact pedophiles [ageplay, fauxcest, incest welcome]

Racists

People who sexualize disorders they don't have

RadFem

Homophobes/LGBTQ+ophobes

Transphobes

Anti-therian/anti-kin

Zionists

People who support Israel/Are against Palestine

!Warning!

This blog is fucking heavy, sh, gore, stalker stuff, ect. exists here.

Don't like, don't look. Don't say I didn't warn you. Buzz off if you don't wanna be friends or exist peacefully with me.

I will continuously edit this, so always check if there's something you wanna know or feel free to ask, I don't bite [without permission]

I'm Roach on this blog, usually Opium on anon. If you came looking and see this, hi, you found me <3

I'm the god of mutilation of the self and others, your angel [if you want] and a mutt that needs to be put down.

I'm really off-putting and aware of it, just not sure how to fix it, I apologize :']

Also askgame masterpost: [everything I'm particapting in atm]

About me:

I'm 22, an adult, so no minors please. At all. I don't wanna get arresteddddddd- I use it/its only agender, pansexual, poly. Don't they/them me if you know me. I'm NOT HUMAN IN ANY WAY. In RP, I will absolutely describe myself as a monster/angel/whatever is related. If that's not your thing, then lemme know, but don't refer to me as human outside of rp.

Fultist, come worship me <3

Not dating anyone and open to anyone even if I am. [Although, if you want me all to yourself, you better tell me quick <3]

I'm mainly T4T, but not exclusively

Always open to roleplay

Fantasy/Scene stalker and stalkee [CNC]

Very lapsed Catholic, so things will have that religous flavor, sorry-

An absolute slut for fighting kinks <3 [please fight me, please kill me-]

I do do pictures/nudes, only in DMs and with mutuals. Mutuals, feel free to make requests <3<3<3

I have ADHD, BPD, severe anxiety, and several undiagnosed things. I am nonverbal irl.

I use Discord, if you wanna talk on an alt social media

Feel free to DM me anything, anything at all, and asks are always open

I'm a service dom, a service sub, and anything harsh we do will be full of fondness because I'm insane and down bad for anyone that gives me attention. Still insanely messed up depending on the thing, but it'll be full of love <3

Also, you can guess at what my anatomy is, I switch with every post. Anything goes, just your personal preference I guess. Dick, cock, hole, whatever. I don't really care.

Kinks list:

[Faves in bold] 

[Not complete, anything not in limits is open]

[What I’m craving has ♡ next to it]

Fighting/Arena/Ring ♡

Worship

Cannibalism

Petplay

Robot/Objectum*

Medical

Intoxication

Fauxcest [Sibling/parent <3]

Public Sex

Plushie Transformation

Role reversal ♡

Overstimulation

Edging

Piss, anything related to piss ♡

Stalker/Stalking ♡

Woundfucking ♡

Snuff ♡

Body modification

CNC [The word rape is allowed, I don't personally use it much however]

Object Insertion

Knife Play ♡

Forcemasc [not receiving, just love turning people <3]

Forcefem [Also not receiving <3]

Primal [Pred, although idm prey]

Limits:

[you can still follow if you like these, I just don't wanna do anything related to them]

[All of these are hard, I have no soft boundaries as of this post, so no negotiations]

Detrans from a non-trans person [if you’re trans, welcome <3]

Human Pregnancy

Race play

Orientation play

I do participate in fandom, I know I know, so disappointing, so occasionally I reblog/talk about things from:

Hannibal NBC

Ultrakill

Vocaloid [Purely for Miku <3]

Portal 1 & 2

Wowowowowowowow you made it to the end, ily <3 Thank you for reading :3

[talesfromtheshatterhome]

"War"

November is Mens Mental Health Month apparently, so I wanted to make a thing about that. The theme was Ultramen-tal health.

Navigating mental health can feel like navigating a battlefield. Through stigmas around people with mental illness and then there's also the conditioning that most men grow up with that you're supposed to just bottle up your emotions and be strong and tough it out whatever it is. And that leads to a lot of people not getting the treatment or help or even just guidance that they need. It leads to people not asking for help before it's too late.

This stigma is toxic and challenging for those who struggle with mental health (addictions, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts) and there are a couple of statistics that is like to share to help showcase how important this month should be for them and, of course, others.

“Men account for about 10% of patients with bulimia or anorexia.”

“Over 6 million men suffer from depression per year.”

“More than 3 million men in the US have panic disorder, agoraphobia (an anxiety disorder where they perceive their environment to be unsafe with no easy way to escape) or any other phobia.”

“Approximately 3.5 million people in the U.S. have been diagnosed with schizophrenia and 90% of those who are diagnosed by age 30 are men."

No this isn't to draw attention away from or distract from the overall mental health of people in general. Everybody needs support and this post is for everyone. It's no shame to need help. There's no disgrace in seeking help or treatment. This world's hard and the monsters will beat you down if you let them. A lot of people don't realize how bad things are. That it doesn't matter if you're in a good situation or a bad situation mental health is just another aspect of health. Its important to take care of yourself and of each other.

[biribaa]

bpd anon again. respectfully, and apologies for the bluntness, but its still weird as fuck to treat the behaviors and traits that come directly from an already stigmatized personality disorder and turn them into a scary "twisted romance" or whatever, especially for a romantic fantasy. even if its not your intention, it still comes across as VERY fetishizing, and it makes a LOT of people uncomfortable. I myself have the flavor of bpd that makes me look VERY similar to the typical yandere! (unstable mood, extremely clingy, destructive behaviors, etc) and its led to some of the people I meet to either think the worst of me because of my behaviors, or think its "hot" and view me as their ideal "yandere partner." because even if you can separate them, a lot of people don't.

sure, there's people with bpd out there that don't mind the yandere trope and in fact embrace/reclaim it. I did that myself for a while. but at the end of the day it is still a VERY harmful trope that HAS affected how people view bpd. I myself stopped identifying with the trope bc it just led me into more spirals of me being an awful person- bc thats how it's treated, whether it's out of hatred or fetishization. I don't think you have ill intentions by any means I'm just. Trying to educate you on a matter that is incredibly important to me yk. I don't mean to traumadump I'm just trying to illustrate how the trope has caused harm to people like me. it genuinely pisses me off to no end to see people post about traits and behaviors that I've struggled with for YEARS, apply them to fictional characters, and treat them like this "morbidly attractive" thing for their own romantic fantasy. it feels really gross.

because again, you may be able to separate them, but the yandere trope still takes a lot from bpd. and as a result it has harmed people with the disorder whether it be by other people viewing them as such, or the bpd person themselves thinking they're a monster because of this trope that exaggerates their behaviors and traits, further contributing to the stigma around an ALREADY SITGMATIZED disorder. it's almost like how the trope of "evil split personality" has contributed to the stigma surrounding people with DID and other similar disorders. it's great you can separate fiction from reality, but that doesn't the effect it's already HAD on reality. you remember that "irl yandere girl" case ?? yeah that's an extreme case of what happens when a trope based off a mental illness becomes popular 😭

I apologize again if this came across as aggressive or like an attack. lemme reiterate I don't think you have any ill intentions and I especially don't think you're a bad person. I'm just trying to genuinely educate you on a serious topic like this. I am just tired and upset and Im not very rational when Im feeling like that :') ur welcome to disregard everything I said and continue on with ur life, as I obviously have no control over what you do. but at least give it some consideration, please.

Alright, I will think about it and thank you anon for spending ur time to write this to educate me.

I still like the trope but I dont want to contribute to that stigma. So with all you gave me I will think of a way to prevent readers romanticize it themselves(maybe put mor warnings about it? Not sure but im open to suggestions jddhdjjdjeh)

Again im sorry my content made you uncomfortable, and youre not traumadumping at all so dont worry and im sorry for what happened to you. I will be more considered in the power my words hold.

[callsign-owl]

No Regrets

This is a continuation of The Incident - Immediate Aftermath

London, United Kingdom - November 2018

The door to Owl's flat swung open with a creak, revealing the cluttered interior. He stepped inside and he tossed his keys onto the coffee table, where they landed with a dull thud. The apartment was as he had left it—a disordered mess that he found comforting in its familiarity.  Owl had just been released from custody after being granted bail.

Only moments later, there was a sharp knock at the door. Owl glanced over his shoulder, knowing exactly who it was before he even opened it. Percival stood on the threshold, his demeanor a mix of urgency and exhaustion. Without waiting for an invitation, Percival stepped inside, his gaze sweeping over the disarray before landing on Owl.

"*redacted*," Percival began, his voice strained with a mixture of relief and frustration. "We need to talk. Properly this time." It was the first time since Percival's birthday party where they could actually talk without being monitored.

Owl sighed, kicking a pile of clothes aside to clear a path to the couch. "Sure, Percy," he replied, settling into the worn leather couch. "Go ahead. Get it off your chest."

Percival remained standing, arms crossed as he tried to find the right words. "I just... I can't wrap my head around this. You don't seem to realize the gravity of what you've done."

Owl met his brother's gaze with unsettling calmness. "I know exactly what I did," he said, his tone flat. "I got rid of a tyrant. I ended a lifetime of misery. I saw an opportunity and took it."

"You killed our father, *redacted*!" Percival's voice rose, echoing off the walls. "Do you understand that? You killed him. And now you're acting like it's nothing."

Owl shrugged, leaning back into the couch as if the weight of his actions were inconsequential. "He had it coming. You know it as well as I do. The man was a monster."

"But you took his life!" Percival shot back, pacing the room, his frustration palpable. "You can't just erase someone like that and expect everything to be okay. This isn't some game, *redacted*!"

Owl remained silent for a moment, studying the ceiling as if seeking answers in its cracks. Then he spoke, his voice steady and detached. " He was never going to change."

Percival paused, his expression shifting to one of exasperated disbelief. "And you don't feel anything? No regret? No guilt?"

Owl's lips curled into a humorless smile. "Relief," he admitted. "That's all. Relief that he's gone, that I won't have to suffer from him anymore."

The words hung in the air between them. "Relief?" Percival repeated, slightly exasperated. "You feel relieved?"

Owl shrugged again. "Yes relieved."

"But murder,?" Percival searched  for any hint of remorse in Owl's eyes.

Owl met Percival's gaze, unwavering. "I know you want me to feel bad about this. But I can't. I won't apologize for what I did and I most certainly won't pretend I'm sorry that he's gone."

Percival stared at Owl, searching for some trace of the brother he thought he knew. But the man before him was different, darker—an unsettling mix of indifference and satisfaction. It sent a chill down Percival's spine. He shook his head, trying to comprehend the transformation. "And you think this was the solution? Killing him? You didn't solve anything, Owl. You're facing murder charges. This will ruin you and your future."

Owl leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. "I never had a future and even if I did, it died with him. Now, at least, I can breathe. You have no idea what it's like, Percy. You were always the golden child."

Percival shook his head, his frustration palpable. "You think it was easy for me? Being the 'golden child' wasn't some gift. It was a burden. I had to be perfect, make no mistakes, live up to his impossible standards. And you—" he paused, the words coming out harsher than intended—"You got to be yourself."

"Be myself?" Owl laughed bitterly, the sound harsh and hollow in the small apartment. "Being myself meant I was a disappointment. A failure. You know as well as I do that I was never good enough for him."

Percival ran a hand through his hair, his eyes filled with a mixture of anger and sympathy. "I know he was hard on you. He was hard on both of us, albeit in different ways. But killing him—it's something you'll have to live with for the rest of your life."

"Good," Owl replied, his voice steady and unflinching. "It's better than living with him."

"At what cost?" Percival pressed. "This isn't freedom. This is destruction. You've destroyed everything. Your career, your future, even yourself."

Owl looked away, his eyes tracing the messy contours of his cluttered apartment. "As if I had anything left to lose in the first place."

Percival watched his brother, searching for a way to reach him, to pull him back from the brink. But the Owl he once knew seemed lost, replaced by someone hardened and irrevocably changed.

"Look," Percival finally said, his tone resigned but determined, "we need to figure out what to do next. We can't just wait for them to lock you up. We need a plan.You may not care about your future, but I do. I'm not giving up on you."

The Story continues here

[closetdbisexual]

what do you imagine barry's childhood was like

(this is partly childhood and then also teenage years + military sorry. i got really excited explaining it because i imagine it in a very elaborate way.)

well i think it was very lonely and isolating for him . his mother is entirely out of the picture - i imagine dead, rather than divorce. if they had a decent relationship or she was still around, he would probably end up mentioning her at some point. but he has no strive for a maternal figure either, suggesting she did not neglect him or remain alive, yet distant from his life. so, probably dead. his father either doesnt talk about her, or talks about her too much.

in a strict military family, he's the youngest of however many sons there are. his brother probably went into the military as well, and was favored by their father. barry's father clearly does not care for him as much, annoyed by his shyness. barry did not like him. he wants to impress him, but continues to fail. strangely, he doesn't have any real jealousy towards his brother. barry might hold a grudge, feel resentful, but he's not a jealous person. he's left feeling considerably unloved and neglected by john sr. though, leaving him to search for fatherly approval elsewhere.

john sr. is cold, strict, and an alcoholic. barry doesnt like to drink much anymore.

at school, he's unpopular and unimportant. he doesn't get particularly good grades, he's painfully awkward, he doesn't contribute anything important. probably few friends, if any. i don't think he has any serious friendships here, nor a girlfriend. he could play baseball in high school though. football would probably be more realistic, but i like baseball because it correlates to john jr., ok?

i actually imagine he'd be treated very poorly at school. hes sweet and shy, but autism wasn't a known diagnosis then, and he's probably already developed a violent streak from fuches' training (ill talk about fuches in a second). he comes across as aggressive, awkward, and stupid. he doesnt feel accepted here. the people here arent like him. they dont get it.

but fuches gets it. fuches is there from when hes 5 years old, becoming a more and more frequent presence in his life as he ages. fuches is...like an uncle to him. (like a father to him, but he doesn't understand that yet.) fuches is understanding of how shy he is, fuches is kind, fuches can get away with what he wants. he's like the cool uncle of the family. he tells stories about him and john sr. in the war, and barry wants to be like him. he slips him beer when john sr. isn't looking. he teaches him to shoot glass bottles, and takes him out hunting. he's a bit cruel sometimes, a bit harsh, pressuring barry, but he has good intentions, right? he makes barry feel loved. barry trusts him. barry goes into the military, full of the propaganda he's been fed and a desire to impress his father(s).

as soon as he can, barry joins the military. for once in his life, he feels accepted by his peers. he's a good shot, trained already by fuches. he's a really good shot. theyre impressed by him. people his age, impressed by him. who act like they love him. who act like theyre friends. barry is accepted for his violence, and if he keeps doing that, theyll love him more. he sends letters to fuches. he's eager to serve, eager to help. eager to be praised. barry learns to mask here, learns to copy the way the other marines act. i dont see enough people discuss how barry clearly masks around other marines, like chris. around this time is when his mental disorder starts showing symptoms - i'm not sure what i think he has, but it involves (often grandiose) delusions and dissociation. as things get more stressful, it gets worse. he's violent, and he can't help it. it's like he loses control of himself. its like hes a monster. he just wants to kill the bad guys. theyre the bad guys, hes the good guy. and bad people have to die. this is how its explained to him, and he doesnt question it. hes trusting of authority. but he ends up killing the good guy, and now hes the bad guy, and he has to go.

the period of time between barry being discharged and then becoming a hitman (around half a year, if i remember correctly) is particularly interesting to me. this period of time, where he is a war criminal, dangerous, scared, deeply suicidal, lost, no purpose, marked, etc etc. they gave him help for a while. they sent him to a hospital. gave him a psychiatrist. it didnt really help. only fuches visited him. after a bit, they let him go from the hospital too, claiming he was fine, he wasnt a danger, he was normal now. he was fine. this is a huge example of just one way the government fails its veterans, how the state of mental health care fails them, how they let a young man go off into the world knowing he could still be dangerous and traumatized purely because they didnt want to care for him anymore.

his father doesnt show up for him. is he dead, or just disappointed? thats up to you. fuches is there, though. fuches is there to help him. to save him. to give him a purpose. barry doesnt need a purpose. he needs love. approval. his violence was once praised, but now, reviled. but fuches tells him it can still be useful. he can still kill the bad guys. itll be profitable and itll help the world and nobody will even know. everyday he is being manipulated. barry is in such a weakened state, so damaged and shocked and scared, that he accepts it. because at least fuches loves him, right? and maybe this is just who he is. maybe hes just a killer. at least he can be a good one, though. at least he can help the world somehow.

maybe if he destroys enough bad in the world, itll make up for who he is. maybe if he just does what hes told, someone will love him. maybe his father will finally see him and be proud.

[uter-us]

i agree and disagree with this! i totally agree that its not right to paint people with these disorders as inherently being monsters and assholes and evil villains, as if its in the diagnostic criteria that we are all irredeemable and worthless people lol! i definitely believe that its wrong to write cluster b's off from the get go for having the disorder (although -- coming someone with bpd! -- i don't think it's wrong to be wary (and educated) of what the disorder can entail).

what i very much disagree with is the last sentence. before, when you listed "rude, uncaring, grouchy, negative, explosive, impolite, difficult, needy, controlling, etc," i definitely relate to some of these, but its important that I also remind myself that nobody owes me patience or understanding when i behave that way. (maybe an argument can be made that my parents owe me some patience as they chose to parent me, but im 100% sure that at the very least everyone besides them don't owe me that.)

yes, people can be patient with people who have depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, or any other more well understood mental illness, but that actually does not mean they can be patient with us. sometimes they might leave or distance themselves or even lash out in frustration because of this! our symptoms and behaviors are different to those other disorders (hence why we have a different diagnosis) and some people can handle "irritable and snappy" (like you said), but that doesn't mean they can (or should!!!!) handle explosive and inappropriate anger, or grandiosity, or aggression-- all symptoms in one or more of the cluster b disorders you listed.

its unfortunate, but the symptoms of personality disorders can make maintaining relationships in a healthy manner very difficult, because while not always intentional, our behaviors can and do hurt others.(this dysfunction can be why we choose to heal and change!). if our behaviors make friends/relationships/whoever leave (or mad or impatient or whatever else they feel), that says nothing to their mental health advocacy, or general care for people with mental illness. they are allowed to leave for any reason, even small ones, even over one thing, even over something that doesn't seem that bad. patience and understanding is wonderful to be given (and wonderful to give!) but won't (and shouldn't) be unconditional. there are some behaviors people are able to accept, or accept temporarily, and others they can't ever. some people can be patient with certain dysfunction, and others can't for the very same actions.

i don't want the people in my life to feel they can't step away from me for any reason (genuinely, any reason), even permanently. so when i read things like, "if someone can be patient with x, they can be patient with us," it worries me that it will accidentally send a message that pressures people to endure things they aren't equipped and able to, or even should handle.

if someone out there is reading this and is anxious to leave a mentally ill person, maybe one who's symptoms could be manifesting in harmful ways, you do not have to stay. you can be as impatient and angry and sad and upset as you want, and feel those feelings. you don't have to wait around for someone to heal and change and get better, even if you love and care about them, if its too much for you to handle, this is your sign to leave or make a plan to. if it's abusive, here are resources below:

How to Prepare Financially to Leave an Abusive Relationship

Helplines in Europe

Women Against Abuse Resources Page

8 Resources That Offer Help for Domestic Violence

the thing that gets me the most about ableism against pd’s is that ppl will be like “these disorders make you an ASSHOLE!!!!” and then turn around and pretend that other disorders can’t and don’t make you act shitty.

depression and anxiety can make you irritable and snappy. they can cause you to refuse to listen to people and to be distant and withdrawn. they can cause you to seem angry, bitchy, rude, uncaring, etc.

ptsd causes an array of difficulties in forming meaningful relationships. it pretty much shakes up your entire worldview and sense of self a lot of the time. ptsd can cause you to get angry often. it can cause you to yell and scream. it can cause you to withdraw from others, run away, or cut them out. it can cause general changes in demeanor and more cynical worldviews. it can make you seem grouchy, negative, explosive, impolite, difficult, needy, controlling, etc.

and yet when people with personality disorders have symptoms of that nature, suddenly we are irredeemable monsters. when it’s npd, bpd, hpd, or aspd instead of ptsd or depression and anxiety, people suddenly and magically lose the ability to be understanding.

mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. i firmly believe that. hurting others is never justified simply because you have any disorder.

but if you can be patient with people who have depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, or any other more well understood mental illness, you can be patient with us.