#its more like. lacking in experience outside of a certain setting

[wifeguycyclonus]

Orion Pax is naive, he’s just not naive the way ppl seem to think he is

[electraslight]

heyo, its been a long time since i did an analysis!! this time on a more controversial subject: Rook Blonko. And how I think he was robbed.

When you actually look at the way Rook is written in omniverse, they dont give him very much to work with. like revvonaganders and their culture are cool, but rook feels so underdeveloped as a person outside of his culture. hes kind of a gwen in a way; hes got bare minimum flaws but he's treated like hes in the right when hes doing something actually flawed. hes never condemned for treating ben the way he does and he doesnt even have a consistent arc. he doesnt feel like a teenager, he doesnt feel like he has any sort of character progression, hes just kinda there, and his lack of depth in character-to-character situations is only amplified by the lack of holding him accountable for negative traits he possesses, instead punishing ben or ignoring the behavior. Instead of writing a scenario where Rook is in the right and ben is in the wrong, or showing rook behaving poorly and have him learn from his actions, i can hardly think of a time where rook was shown to be wrong for his treatment of ben.

For example in a scenario where Ben is keeping personal information from Ben, and rook wants to know it for the sake of their partnership, instead of portraying Ben in the wrong properly by showing his keeping of said information being harmful to the public or his friendship to rook, or have the information be personally important to rook making Ben's keeping of it harmful, instead rook has scoured Ben's file for all information and is asking about something that is of no matter to him entirely because he doesn't know it. He pesters Ben incessantly even when Ben has told him firmly no. Tjis is a recurring issue, where it seems like the story wants rook to be right but is ignoring context and the way he goes about it.

This would be an aggravating issue but ignorable if rook had anything resembling a consistent arc, but he doesn't. the conflict of rook idolizing ben and meeting him and realizing hes not what rook thought he was is interesting, but its always treated as if bens in the wrong for not living up to rooks expectations. rook overstepping his boundaries with ben due to being a huge fan and maybe cultural differences is interesting, but its never portrayed as a flaw on rooks end, more like bens fault for keeping the information. his struggle with his culture and staying connected with it, his conflict with his father about his career path, his relationships to his siblings, him slowly watching revvonah be plundered for its resources as the series goes on, i love that, thats genuinely interesting. but they never talk about it outside of those episodes. rook is in the wrong often and it brings up a lot of interesting questions about him as a person, but they dont talk about that in favor of treating him as bens babysitter, or setting up a joke where ben is the punchline.

It's disappointing to me that rook was never given the attention he deserved. Like i said, there's a lot of good stuff in his framework that's just begging to be explored, but his lack of an arc makes him feel so one note after a while and really dampens his relationship with ben. Since rook is not a character on the same level as ben, he feels less like an equal like they tried to illustrate and more of a plot device. They even threw away the most interesting conflict between ben and rook; rook being book smart and ben being street smart, experience over training. Ben and Rook hardly ever have issues based on this other than rook misunderstanding a joke. This is why rook and ben feel like such a flat relationship to me.

all of this to say: rook fans. Please, for the love of god, work your magic. He's got all the pieces there, and i am certain you can do something special in fanworks about him. Don't let the show being lackluster hold you down.

[youremyheaven]

Rahu & Ketu: The Mystery of Being

TW: abuse, rape, murder, abduction, childhood trauma, violence

The more I study Nodal energy, the more I realise how truly hard it is to remain within its influence, it escapes your grip or eludes you so easily and I think even Nodal natives feel this way, its really hard to have a stable/consistent self image or strong identity because with Rahu you are sooo many different things and your energy is dispersed completely (Rahu being the "head") and with Ketu, you're in the dark completely so you feel unable to identify with anything permanently i.e you outgrow things quickly (Ketu being the "body"). Both Rahu & Ketu are malefics and generally considered to be inauspicious but please don't be discouraged!!

The reason why they're considered inauspicious is because Rahu creates excessive immersion in the material realm as these natives are always looking out of themselves/seeking external things to centre themselves around. Since they're stuck in the head (literally) they're unable to be grounded or tethered. This causes overindulgence and gluttony. They might seem greedy on the outside but truly this is driven by their boundary-less nature where they literally do not know when to stop, nothing feels "enough" for them, they never feel "full". Since they're so vastly spacious internally, they can accommodate a lot, this makes them very tolerant and accepting of virtually every one and every kind of experience. But this internal spaciousness also means that they feel empty, just because its hard to "fill up" all that space and feel "fulfilled". This causes them to overexert themselves and go above & beyond. They do this just because they can. This is why they're such obsessive lovers. They have so much space, so much to hold, they need a great deal of stimulation just to feel normal. In social settings they may come across as very hyper, very loud, very extra, always doing the most, eager to please everyone (its similar but different to Jupiter energy). This over-attachment to the physical or sensorial realm means that its hard for them to transcend beyond it to attain true spiritual liberation. They can never fully let go because its very scary to be cut off that way. Its like floating in space, nothing to hold on to, no gravity, nothing to fall on, you can't stay still, its all very disorienting.

The reason Ketu is considered inauspicious is because it causes extreme detachment from everything. These natives don't have a strong sense of self, they feel themselves dissolve almost and they're always wandering in search of something to connect to. This complete lack of attachment to anything material or concrete means that these natives lack grounding. In order to care about something you have to be firmly rooted in reality and Ketuvians struggle with this because they're never fully here. They may intellectually understand or support social causes but its a torso without a head, which means they dont have the energy to be committed to sustaining interest in anything. They're the type of people who go through a lot of different "phases". One can only transcend if one is connected to life in the first place, these natives aren't. It DOES make spiritual understanding easier and Ketu is considered one of the most spiritual planets but it is difficult to be rooted or grounded in this or be disciplined about it because like I said Ketu is detached. They inherently understand certain spiritual truths but its very rare (unless other positive placements are present) for these natives to fully immerse themselves in spiritual pursuits.

(table by me😎hehe)

Its very interesting to me that none of the Nodal naks have the purushartha ("motivation") of Moksha (liberation). All 6 naks are evenly split between Artha, Kama & Dharma.

This again points to how even though Nodal influence helps one grasp spiritual concepts better and naturally embody certain spiritual truths, these natives are not motivated by it.

But often what happens is that these natives are unable to enjoy or benefit from their successes. Their lives are full of ups and downs. The shadowy nature of the planets and the fact that the lack of physical existence of these planets creates a very "boundary less" energy that makes them susceptible to every kind of influence, good and bad.

Pierce Brosnan- Ardra Moon

Pierce Brosnan’s hardships pretty much started at the very beginning. Born into a poor family in rural Ireland, he was swiftly abandoned by his father, who he would only go on to meet once. His mother was forced to send him to live with his grandparents while she worked as a nurse in England, then his aunt and uncle, and then onto a boarding house. His mother visited twice a year until he could move to England at age 11, at which point he became the focus of school bullies.

In 1980, Brosnan married Cassandra Harris and adopted the 3 children of her late-husband, adding one more to the mix for good measure. But in 1991, Cassandra died in his arms after a 4 year battle with ovarian cancer, which would later go on to take the life of their 41 year old daughter Charlotte in 2013. By then, he had become estranged from his son Chris, who had a major drug problem resulting in fights, thefts, and 2 drunk-driving crashes in 2 years. The crashes may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, as Brosnan had already narrowly avoided losing his son Sean at 13, after Sean’s cousin drunkenly drove off a 200-foot cliff. In 2015, the $18-million Malibu home he lived in caught fire and sustained $1 million in damages.

Kelsey Grammar, Shatabhisha Sun, Mars in Ashwini, Ketu in Ardra

Kelsey Grammer’s troubles started early in life, with his parents splitting up when he was just two years old. His mother’s parents took them in, and helped raise Kelsey until he was 12, when his grandfather died of cancer. The following year, his father was murdered by a home intruder who had started a fire, all in front of his new family.

Then in 1975, Grammer’s 18 year old sister Karen was abducted, raped, and murdered by four men who left her for dead. Sadly, Karen had enough strength to make it to a nearby house, where bloody handprints revealed she was attempting to ring the door. The house was empty. Kelsey identified his sister’s body one week later. 2 years later, both of his half-brothers died in a scuba diving accident.

Shockingly, Grammer has appeared at the parole hearings of the last remaining member of the gang who killed his sister. In 2014, he spoke directly to the killer at the hearing, stating “You could not have come to a better person in the world than me to advocate for someone who has made some bad choices. I accept your apology. I forgive you. However, I cannot give your release my endorsement. To give that a blessing would be a betrayal of my sister’s life.

Nicki Minaj- Mula Stellium (Mercury, Venus & Ketu)

Throughout her childhood, Minaj had to contend with her abusive, drug-addicted father, who would regularly beat her mother, punch holes in the walls, get arrested, and sell their possessions for drug money. At one point, he attempted to kill her mother by lighting the house on fire. Despite all this, the pair are still together, and Dad apparently isn’t too happy when she tells that story. To this, she says “It’s the price you pay when you abuse drugs and alcohol. Maybe one day your daughter will be famous and talk to every magazine about it, so think about that, dads out there who want to be crazy.” Nicki is currently married to a paedophile and convicted rapist so there's that as well.

Terrence Howard, Mula Moon, Ashwini Venus conjunct Saturn

Terrence Howard suffered physical abuse not only at the hands of his father, but his mother as well. When he was two, he witnessed his father stab a man to death, for which he was convicted of manslaughter. His mother raised him until his father was released, at which point they divorced, and he was sent to live with his grandparents. At age 16, Howard had himself legally emancipated, moved to New York, and lived off welfare while he tried to make it as an actor. While that was undoubtedly one of the hardest decisions he will ever make, it seems it was the right one.

Jennifer Hudson, Shatabhisha Moon

In 2008, Jennifer Hudson's mother, Darnell Donnerson (57) and her brother, Jason (29) were shot to death by her estranged brother-in-law, William Balfour. Hudson's nephew, Julian (7), was reported missing, but found three days later dead of multiple gunshot wounds.

Roy Orbison, Ashwini Sun, Jupiter in Mula & Ketu in Ardra

In 1966, Roy Orbison's wife, Claudette Frady, was killed when the couple were riding motorcycles. She was hit by a semi truck and killed instantly. Just two years later, Orbison's house burned down, killing two of his three sons. In 1973, his older brother, Grady, was killed in an auto accident while traveling to spend thanksgiving with Orbison.

Shania Twain, Magha Sun, Mars in Swati She was born into poverty with five siblings in rural Canada. Throughout her childhood, she endured and witnessed abuse to her mother from her stepfather, who lived with the family. Aside from the abuse, her family often didn't have money to have food for lunch or shoes for the winter. Even more tragic, her parents were killed in a car accident when she was 22 years old, and Twain began singing gigs to provide for her siblings. She told Oprah Winfrey in a sit-down interview, "Coming from where I came from, it was unimaginable to ever be wealthy. That was just too far out of my reach." She then went on to become one of the best selling female pop and country artists of all time.

Ashley Judd, Ashwini Sun & Mercury, Magha Jupiter & Ascendant

This actress comes from a famous family, with both her mother and half-sister being country music artists. Judd’s parents divorced when she was four, and she moved all around the southern United States while her mother sought success, attending over a dozen schools. Judd is the survivor of three sexual assaults, and one of these awful instances resulted in an unwanted pregnancy, which Judd terminated. The harmful treatment didn’t stop there. Judd alleges that she was also sexually harassed by Harvey Weinstein, whom she later sued.

Christina Aguilera, Mula Sun

Christina’s father Fausto worked for the US Army, meaning that the family moved around a lot, even going as far as Japan. On top of this lack of stability, her father emotionally and physically abused her. Her parents divorced when Aguilera was six, and she subsequently became estranged from her father. Aguilera used music to escape her turbulent home life, and her talent was obvious from a young age. This talent took her far, and she is now one of the highest-selling artists in the history of music.

Reza Pahlavi and his wife, Princess Soraya, Ardra Stellium (sun, mercury & venus)

Soraya was his favourite wife and supposedly his "true love", but since she was infertile and he had no sons from his other marriage, he had to divorce her to marry another woman, Farah Pahlavi, Ardra Moon, Magha Rising (who did end up giving him 2 sons out of 4 children). Soraya lived in Paris following their divorce and did fall in love again but she did not live a very happy life (her partner died in a plane crash). Farah Pahlavi's reign as Queen was cut short by the Iranian revolution following which both Reza & Farah were exiled from their own country, they lived in many places, Reza passed away 2 years into exile and Farah has since lived in obscurity in the United States. 2 out of her 4 children committed suicide and it is widely assumed that the family has gone broke.

Tragedy can happen to anyone and no nakshatra or planet will protect or prevent it but Rahu influence creates sudden gains and losses. What is quickly gained is also quickly lost. This is why Rahu is deeply connected to entertainment because not only is the entertainment industry entirely illusory, it also does not guarantee anything. You're a glorified freelancer basically. If you're not wise, you can lose everything in minutes. There is so much temptation all around you, you're surrounded by so many false promises and its very easy to lose yourself in all of it. We often see celebrities and idolize their easy lives but very very very few get to be stars their whole lives and live lives of convenience and comfort. For 90& of people its a very scary, tragic, difficult experience of immense highs and lows.

Nodal success feels dissatisfactory because Nodal people are unable to ground themselves in anything solid (unless other aspects that can do this are present) its very very easy for them to lose themselves in Maya or to be so completely detached that they do the necessary "maintenance" work that it takes to be a fully involved human being in anything.

Many say that the reason Farah Pahlavi's life was so tragic was because she took Princess Soraya's rightful place and Soraya's sadness had "cursed" Reza & Farah's marriage. that's stuff of urban myth but don't you think its interesting that a woman who wasn't of noble birth, rose to the ranks of Queen at the age of 21, lived a life of luxury very few can even conceive of and produced 2 male heirs!! which is all that the King wanted🙄🙄but ultimately none of it mattered? Reza having an "heir" made no difference because the Iranian Revolution overthrew the monarchy, they had to leave their palace, their luxuries, their maids and servants and every kind of comfort behind to live like nobodies in exile. They watched their treasury grow smaller and smaller year after year and obviously, no one was used to "working" so nobody got a job to take care of themselves or the others (I mean Farah and her 4 kids btw). They can never go back to their homeland or regain what was once lost. They're in a position that very few (other exiled royals) can relate to. They are socially and culturally isolated. All of these are Nodal themes.

Another Princess with nodal placements and a similarly tragic life is Princess Diana, Ardra Sun & Mercury with Moon conjunct Ketu

There are many royals who've lived more moderate lives or less tragic lives. Having it all and losing it all is a very Nodal theme.

It reminds me of SUGA's Interlude by Halsey (Swati stellium) where she sings:

I been trying all my life To separate the time In between the having it all And giving it up, yeah (Hey) I wonder what's in store If I don't love it anymore (Hey) Step between the having it all And giving it up, yeah (Hey)

Success is a very illusory experience for these natives. Its like trying to build sandcastles on the shore. I am by no means suggesting that Nodal people can't be successful, just that if they depend on "success" to give their life meaning, they're setting themselves up for failure. You ruin anything you singlehandedly obsess over, its important to know when to stop, when to withdraw.

These natives tend to go to extremes just to feel something

Zayn Malik- Shatabhisha Rising and Gigi Hadid- Ashwini Sun & Rising

idk anything about their sex life together but if we're to go by the songs then its 👀 giving bdsm

After that horrendous Revati video that Claire did years ago (and has deleted since I think) people associate BDSM, sexual deviancy and all around freakish behaviour with Revatis but you know who is actually crazy in bed? Nodal people

pornography impacts the brain much like an addictive drug by triggering ever-increasing amounts of dopamine. Over time, the brain builds up a tolerance to the excess dopamine and requires either more access or more extreme content (or sometimes both) to achieve that same level of perceived pleasure. In short, when viewing pornography, your brain gets less pleasure while wanting more, often causing desensitization and an escalation in behavior.

Kanye West, Venus & Mars in Ashwini

Kanye West's first encounter with sexual desire came during early childhood, fueling a dependency on sex that would set in during adulthood. “My dad had a Playboy left out at age 5 and it’s affected almost every choice I made for the rest of my life," West told Elle in 2019. "From age 5 till now, having to kick the habit and it just presents itself in the open like it's OK and I stand up and say, ‘No, it's not OK.’” The singer also credited his faith in God with helping him overcome his struggles. James Franco, Ashwini Sun

Actor James Franco developed an addiction to sex while he was recovering from an addiction to alcohol. On The Jess Cagle Podcast, he admitted to sleeping with students who were attending an acting school he previously ran. “It’s such a powerful drug,” he said. “I got hooked on it for 20 more years. The insidious part of that is that I stayed sober from alcohol all that time.” Since 2016, Franco has been in recovery from sex addiction and continues to work towards a healthy lifestyle.

Billie Eilish, Mula Stellium (Sun, mercury & ketu)

Billie Eilish went through her own struggles with pornography addiction after viewing her first pornographic video at only 11 years old. In an interview on The Howard Stern Show, the "Bad Guy" singer said she used to watch porn to feel like "one of the guys," but has since distanced herself from it entirely. "I think it really destroyed my brain and I feel incredibly devastated that I was exposed to so much porn,"

Charlie Sheen, Mula Moon

he is a pretty well known sex addict and sexual assaulter :/

Michael Douglas, Mula Moon

He's been candid about his struggles with alcohol and sex addiction. Michael even went so far as to say that his throat cancer was caused by performing oral sex on so many women.

Every good thing can be "bad" if its used as a coping mechanism and this includes sex.

Ketuvians are like black holes that absorb all the light, they have to suck everything in. They absorb easily but they don't feel rooted in anything beyond a short period of time. many say that Nodal natives have no moral compass or that they're thrill chasers or that they're not "good people" but honestly Nodal energies are just really hard to master. some people turn it into art, or work or something else where they can channel their obsessive energies fully without holding back. compartmentalizing things is hard for these natives so its important to have areas where you can go all out whilst exercising some modicum of boundary or balance in others.

Maladaptive daydreaming is another big struggle for Nodal people. they're also prone to nihilism and cynicism because they can't enjoy life in the same way as they need a lot of stimulation (they're desensitized to ordinary levels of stimulation of any kind). This means they struggle to find meaning in life. Apathy is their natural state of being. Its just hard to care because in order to care you have to be firmly rooted which Nodal people are not.

This is a quote by Werner Herzog, Ardra Moon who is a filmmaker known for his nihilism and scepticism.

Dos Passos did not have any major placements in any Nodal naks save for his Mars in Mula and Rahu in Shatabhisha but I thought his quote by him really explained things

The real danger of Nodal influence is the indifference and apathy that its natives experience. But Nodal influence is such that you have no place in reality, you exist in the shadows, you live behind the curtain, when your whole life is one long tunnel its hard to "care" or be immersed enough to fully take in their feelings. Nodal natives experience emotional impermanence which means that if you do not actively see proof of or feel a particular emotion, you believe it does not exist. they have to consistently see "proof" of your love for them to believe you. they seldom believe that the feelings others have for them are "real". they think they are the only constant in their life.

its hard for these natives to be passive and consume something without interacting with it. Moon dominants thrive in passivity whereas Rahuvians need to become one with that thing to truly experience it. Ketu also craves this sort of complete union but its different since Ketu pulls you into themselves whereas Rahu wants to pull themselves into you.

Nodal influence creates natives with a very nebulous self-perception and identity. They do not know who they are, they are a mystery even to themselves. Do you ever talk to a guy and think that he has no personality because its hard for him to list favourites or describe what he likes or dislikes etc? He probably has Ketuvian influence. Ketu people try on new aesthetics/personalities like its a makeover game, for a couple of months they'll have a hippie phase, now they're emo, later they're into retro glam or whatever. they like to try on different personas to see which one they like the best, i know this sounds kind of creepy?? but its truly because Ketu natives lack identity and rely on external things to give them a sense of self. This is why they're very uninvolved in the lives of others. They cannot give themselves too much because they dont know enough about themselves to "give" to others.

In vedic mythology, at the beginning of time when the devas and asuras churned the ocean of milk to extract from it the amrita (the elixir of immortality) Mohini, the female avatar of Vishnu, started distributing amrita to the devas. However, one of the asuras, Svarbhanu, sat in the row of devas and drank the amrita. Surya and Chandra noticed him and they informed Mohini; however, by that time, Svarbhanu had already become immortal. Vishnu, as Mohini, cut off Svarbhanu's head with his discus. Svarbhanu, henceforth referred to as Rahu and Ketu, could not die, but his head was separated from his body; his head came to be known as Rahu, while his body came to be known as Ketu. 

Pertaining to this origin story, I have noticed how people with Nodal influence seldom benefit from "nourishing energy". This could mean they were neglected as children, lacked a good family environment, were abused or taken advantage of by others in their life (all of this is also subject to other placements in ones chart). Svarbhanu was a demon who temporarily became immortal because of a mistake. Like I mentioned with fame and success before, these natives struggle to "maintain" what they achieve, especially because their early lives were marked with deprivation of some sort. This could also mean absent parent figures. But there is a sense of "you shouldn't have been where you were".

Rahu energy manifests often as a very manic hyperactive energy

Ranveer Singh is the best example I could think of. He is known in the media for being an eccentric, hyperactive, loud cokehead lmao

He has Ardra Sun, Shatabhisha Moon

Ketu energy is more detached, more reserved, still weird and chaotic but overall less "hyper"

This interview with Lady Gaga is a good example, usually the people being interviewed are walking or moving around and trying to pretend its not scripted but she just sat there for the whole thing lol

Gaga has both Rahu & Ketu influence

She has Rahu in Ashwini in 1h as well as Swati Moon conjunct Ketu

i know i said last time ill make a post about the positive manifestations of nodal influence but its gonna have to wait a little longer 😬😬these are just some things i observed and i thought i should share them. hope this was informative.

[porcelainseashore]

Ghosts from the Past (2)

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Agent! Leon Kennedy x Dancer! Informant! Fem! Reader

Summary: 7 years after leaving behind everything you’ve known, you’re suddenly thrust into facing a ghost from your past, Leon. Navigating where you stand with him brings up old memories, painful truths and countless questions. At the same time, you have to deal with a bunch of strange occurrences at your dance company. Set after Resident Evil 4 Remake.

Warnings: 18+ Swearing, Recreational Drug Use, Alcohol, Eventual Smut, No (Y/N), Canon-Typical Horror and Violence, Blood, Injury, Torture, Infection, Medical Experiments, Psychological Trauma, Nightmares

Content: Post-Resident Evil 4, Exes to Lovers, Partners to Lovers, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lack of Communication, Romance, Fluff

Author's Note: This chapter is a lot more dialogue-heavy to set up the scenes for the next ones. It was originally going to be angstier, but my heart wouldn’t let me. Oops. I hope you still like it though.

AO3 Link

Chapter 2: Baptism

Outside the embassy, Leon hailed for a cab to get to the bar. The journey there was in complete awkward silence, except for the occasional question raised by the cab driver, who quizzed you on why you were headed to such an unsavory place. Somehow he could tell that Leon didn’t quite belong and cautioned about certain areas being unsafe for tourists. Leon just snorted in response, while you laughed inwardly at the irony of his cover story, where he was meant to be your American tourist friend embarking on a Eurotrip.

To be honest, it really wasn’t as bad as people made it out to be. Berlin was a smaller city and felt safer than New York. However, you still carried around that Swiss Army knife Leon had won and given to you back in the day wherever you went, just in case. You ran the tip of your finger along its metallic surface in your pocket. The world could be cruel to little girls after all.

As you exited from the cab, you were greeted by a lively, eclectic neighborhood, sprinkled with night markets, kebab and shisha shops, independent art spaces and late night bars. The buildings were noticeably more rundown than Mitte, the district you had traveled from, and the community a lot edgier. With both of you now dressed casually, you had no problem blending into the midnight crowd.

You swung open the doors of an unmarked establishment and found yourselves shrouded in thick wafts of cigarette smoke upon entering. Leon frowned, coughing as he swatted the air in front of him. Even though you were used to smoking being allowed pretty much everywhere in Germany, your eyes still watered as you pressed up against and squeezed past the mass of bodies in the dimly-lit, dingy bar. The smell on your clothes and hair would take days to get rid of later. It was noisy and chaotic, with nearly every inch of the space occupied by chatty, drunk customers, some more boisterous than the others. You were lucky to find a small, rickety table with two precarious-looking stools at the extreme corner of the room.

Setting your coat and day bag down on one of the stools to claim it, you folded your arms, turned to Leon and remarked, “So… an agent, huh?”

He waved his hand dismissively. “Whiskey first. Then, we’ll talk.”

You rolled your eyes at his standoffish reply, wondering what his problem was. After all these years where he had led you to assume he was dead, and with the circumstances both of you had found each other in, this was the kind of attitude he took with you? A prickling feeling of agitation grew in your chest as you pushed past him, storming towards the bar in annoyance.

Upon approaching it, you breathed out a sigh of relief when you saw that you knew the bartender who was on shift tonight. He usually popped a little extra into your drinks whenever he sensed you had a shitty day. Tonight was no exception.

“Zwei doppelte Kurze Whiskey.” (Two double shots of whiskey.) You raised two fingers at him to spell out your order.

He grunted out an acknowledgement as he got to work, filling two empty glasses with the fiery amber liquor, one glass topped up significantly more than the other.

“Macht er dir Probleme?” (Is he giving you any trouble?) He asked, without looking up from pouring the shots. It seemed like he had noticed your little commotion with Leon from just before.

“Aktuell nicht,” (Not for now.) you answered guardedly.

At this point, Leon had caught up to you, watching as the bartender placed the glass with more whiskey on the counter top in front of you and the one with less before Leon. 

Leon huffed at the slight and shook his head. “I’ll take the bottle too.”

The bartender eyed him suspiciously as he plonked the whiskey bottle on the counter loudly, like there was an unspoken competition going on between them.

“Here,” Leon mentioned coolly, sliding a couple of euro bills along the counter to pay for all the drinks. “Keep the change.”

You sighed at the childish display before you, giving the bartender an apologetic look as you took your glass without a word, and settled in at the small table you had informally reserved earlier. The people around you were far more interested in drinking than any conversation you were about to have. Occasionally a fight started, but those responsible were easily cleared out by the staff. 

There should be no issues with privacy here, you thought, as you downed your first round of drinks simultaneously with Leon.

The sharp alcohol burned your throat, warming you from the inside. You noticed Leon wincing as he brought the glass to his cut lip, finishing its contents in one clean gulp and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Did he get hurt in the field? You wondered, but chose not to question it, instead pouring yourself another shot as Leon did likewise.

Frustrated by the ongoing silence between the two of you and Leon’s seeming reluctance to speak, you decided to break the dead air, stating sarcastically, “Anything else you need before we get started? Room service? A hot bath, perhaps?”

He threw back another shot, twisting his lips into a wry smile. “Hm, don’t tempt me.”

“Leon, what happened? All these years… I thought you had died.” You were getting tired of this game and wanted an honest exchange for once.

“I did,” he replied softly.

“Huh?”

Averting his gaze quickly, he shifted in his seat uncomfortably. “It doesn’t matter.” 

But you wanted answers. You needed to know what had been haunting him too. “It does to me.”

You reached out to him cautiously, but just as your fingers ghosted the back of his hand, he moved it away, his voice turning cold as ice. “Look, I don’t know what you’re expecting, but it’s been a long time-”

His reaction took you by surprise as you interjected defensively, “Yeah, I can count.” 

A long time? If anyone should be able to comprehend that, you were more than qualified.

“I’m not the same guy you used to know back then,” he continued, as if he hadn’t heard you.

“And I’m not the same girl you knew either,” you countered, in a mixture of anger and confusion. He was talking to you like he was blaming you for something. It wasn’t fair and you weren’t going to put up with it anymore. “Stop avoiding the question, Leon.”

“Still as stubborn as hell though,” he muttered.

Your blood boiled at his non-answer. “Is this some kind of joke to you?” You seethed, raising your voice. “I mourned you. The past 7 years. I heard nothing. Your parents heard nothing.” You emphasized each point, taking another shot afterwards to calm your nerves. Your face scrunched up in response to the harsh bite of the liquor. “And now this?”

He paused for a moment, fiddling with the empty glass in his hands, before hesitantly responding, “I got out of Raccoon City. Then, the government asked me to work for them.”

You caught the drift of what he was implying when he stressed the word ‘asked’, like it wasn’t by choice. But you didn’t understand what hold they had on him.

“That’s all you need to know.” Placing his glass back down on the table, he took a swig from the bottle itself this time. The few sentences he gave you had taken a toll on him.

“Why? How did they-”

“The rest is classified,” he snapped through gritted teeth, as a form of warning not to push it any further.

You slumped back in your chair in defeat, realizing that you weren’t much closer to understanding him and what he had gone through.

“Why did you join Silje’s company?” Leon questioned out of the blue, his tone filled with resentment, so much so that you bit your lip in reflex as guilt seeped into your heart.

“After you… die-disappeared, I-I didn’t know what else to do.” You cast your eyes downwards, your voice choking up with emotion as the memories you had suppressed came flooding back, like a gaping wound in your side. 

“I had to leave. Everything just-” you paused, clenching your fists so hard that you could see the imprints of your fingernails against your palms. “-reminded me of you.”

At this, his stony gaze faltered slightly and a look of despondence slowly spread across his face. 

“You could have gone anywhere else, but you just had to choose her, didn’t you?” He uttered somewhat accusingly. “You really shouldn’t get involved in this.”

“A bit too late for that,” you argued. Did he think you couldn’t hold your own?

“You can still walk away,” he offered.

Shaking your head, you peered back at him defiantly. “I’m not leaving you.”

“That’s what you said last time,” he retorted bitterly, his brows etched together in a frown. “Look at how that turned out.”

Your mouth ran dry, and it felt as if you had been given a tight slap across your cheek. 

So this was what it was all about? He still faulted you for what happened in the past? The most troubling thing was that you had nothing to say to that. You truly held yourself accountable for whatever that had gone wrong.

“Is this why you want to get rid of me?” It came out as a bare whisper.

He shrugged impassively, unable to meet your eyes like he was hiding something. “It’s just better this way.”

Your mind was going round in circles as you were put on the spot. However, something inside you kept rebelling against what Leon had to say. You couldn’t abandon him again. Not like this, even though he claimed it was the better route to take. Didn’t he once tell you to trust him to make his own decisions? Then, he should offer you the same courtesy. You weren’t about to throw in the towel and give up now.

So instead of running away like he expected you to, you pushed back. “No.”

Leon narrowed his eyes. “What?”

“I said no,” you repeated again resolutely. “We have a job to do. I’m helping you to infiltrate this base whether you like it or not.”

His lips were drawn into a thin line as he brooded quietly in the corner, but he continued to hear you out.

“Once that’s done, we can go back to our own separate lives if you want,” you stated. “Just like how it was.” 

A fair compromise. Although deep down you hoped it wouldn’t mark the end of your interactions with Leon. Well, you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it.

After a while of considering your suggestion, he agreed warily, “Ok.”

His gaze was impenetrable while both of you drank in silence. At some point, you decided to call it a night, since you had an early start with him tomorrow to go over your next plan of action. It was drizzling when you came out of the bar, the water droplets falling on your face like a baptism of a new chapter. You had made your bed, now you had to lie in it.

As Leon called for another cab to take him back to where he was staying, you left without a word, walking on your own to the nearest U-Bahn station. He watched you until you were just a tiny speck in his vision, lost amongst the sea of people and glowing street lights.

━━━━━━━━━━━

You and Leon were standing in front of the dining table of his service apartment, a mess of papers sprawled across every surface. He rested his curled fingers under his chin, eyeing the diagrams and notes scribbled on the sheets like a hawk, analyzing them for any obvious patterns.

He picked up a report that you had drafted recently. “So Silje told you all of this?”

You yawned and sipped at the instant coffee Leon had offered you when you had arrived. It was a couple of hours earlier than when you were normally up, as you’d have to head over to the theater to train after this meeting. You had pushed away whatever thoughts you had resulting from the conversation with Leon last night to the back of your mind, in favor of professionalism. Afterall, it wasn’t your first rodeo pretending things were fine, and neither was it Leon’s.

“Some of it, yes. Though in her own way of speaking in riddles,” you explained. “The rest I had overheard or tailed her without her knowing.”

“Are you sure you weren’t spotted?” It sounded like a mixture of concern and him questioning your abilities, the latter of which irritated you a little.

“If I was, would I still be standing here?” You stated brusquely.

“Fair enough.”

You pointed at the blueprint map again, tracing the outlines of your markings with your fingers as you explained, “From what I gathered, the site has two main sections beyond the theater space. The upper levels are easily accessible, but shaped like a labyrinth. I haven’t explored everything yet, but if my gut feeling is right, I would say that the entrance leading further down might be all the way over here.” You tapped at the red circle with a question mark drawn on the map.

“The lower levels are only accessible via keycard. Obviously Silje has one, but there must be others too,” you reasoned. 

“That said, I’ve seen her bringing in the same man more than once. Business type, probably in his 60s, speaking German with a Swiss accent.” Then, you proceeded to describe his outward appearance in further detail.

“Silje always passed him off as being part of the company board. I doubt it though,” you shrugged.

Leon hummed in response, and the corners of his mouth turned slightly upward, as if he was trying to hold back a smile. It was the first sign of approval he showed you since you had reconnected.

As he thumbed through the rest of the papers, he cocked his head to the side, tapping his fingers on the table absentmindedly. “One thing I don’t get from this is why she’s confided in you.”

You nipped your lip, swallowing anxiously, as you were afraid of disclosing what you might have committed yourself to. 

“She wanted to offer me a gift,” you whispered.

“A gift?” He tensed up noticeably at the word. “Did you accept?”

“Um… yes?” You replied uneasily, but tried to persuade him that nothing else had happened yet. “She only told me it would come soon.”

The drumming of his fingers on the table stopped abruptly, as he gripped the edge of it, clenching his jaw as he spoke, “Why the fuck would you do something like that?”

“I-I thought it would help,” you stuttered, caught off-guard by the sudden shift in his mood.

“What exactly has Bergmann told you about this case?” He hissed.

“That Silje was suspected of harboring some bioterrorists.”

You flinched as he cursed a second time loudly, before muttering a quick, “Excuse me for a minute.” With that, he darted out of the room into the hallway to make a call.

So here you were, left alone without answers again. The secrecy surrounding the entire mission and Leon’s erratic behavior was starting to grate on you, but there wasn’t much you could do about it.

Past the hallway, out of sight and earshot, Leon had connected with Hunnigan on comms.

“Leon,” she greeted. “Any news?”

“Our old friend, the Plaga,” he stated. “Seems like our suspicions might be right.”

“You have the source to back that up?” She asked out of habit, even though she already knew the answer.

“I went through the documents. I’m not 100%, but it’s close.”

He detailed an abnormality that stood out during the investigations. “A few days ago, some people on site experienced temporary psychotic episodes where their veins turned black, but reverted back to normal after.”

“That’s aligning with whatever intel we’ve already picked up. It could be a new strain of the Plaga,” he concluded.

Hunnigan nodded. “We’ll require a sample for the labs when you’re in the base. Anything you need me to do?”

“Run some files on any surviving Los Iluminados members. Focus on trade routes with Germany,” he requested. “The informant mentioned Silje entertaining a particular ‘business partner’ on a regular basis.”

“On it.” She typed away furiously at a computer keyboard off-screen.

“Another thing,” Leon commented. “Why wasn’t the informant told about the real nature of this situation?” 

“That was under Bergmann’s discretion.” 

He scoffed derisively. “She’s putting her in danger. The informant has no idea what she’s risking here. Silje just offered her the ‘gift’ and you and I know what that means.”

“Leon, you know the rules,” Hunnigan sighed sympathetically. “We don’t really have much say in this jurisdiction.”

“What do you mean? She reports to HQ!”

“Yeah, and they’ve given her free reign,” she explained, without batting an eyelid.

“In-fucking-credible.” He rolled his eyes.

“You need to press on. The informant has the best chance of getting you in,” she reasoned, giving pause and contemplating her next choice of words before speaking. “I would suggest not getting too attached to her.”

“I’m not,” Leon deadpanned, despite the look on Hunnigan’s face, like she didn’t believe him. 

“At the rate this is going, she may not be around long enough to do her job,” he clarified.

“You know we have a cure for that,” she rebutted. “The girl will be fine.”

He pursed his lips, changing the subject. “Hm, just send me the updates later.”

With that, he shut off his comms device and headed back into the living room, only to be accosted by your snide remark, “Let me guess, another convo that’s classified?”

His mouth twisted into a smirk. “Not quite.”

“Whatever Bergmann has been feeding you is bullshit,” he began. “We’ve been suspecting that the theater is being used as a front for developing a new batch of bioweapons they’re about to ship into the US.”

Your eyes widened at the newfound information. The whole time you had assumed that Silje was just providing a safehouse, not a full-on experimentation chamber. But with the recent events that had occurred, you should have considered it earlier.

“So the labs must be underground.” He thumped the pad of his index finger on the sketchings of the lower levels of the site on the map. “And they’re not just hiding people down there.”

Casting over a solemn glance, he revealed, “I’m telling you this, because you need to be careful.”

“And stop making deals you shouldn’t be making,” he warned.

You let the words sink in. “I see,” you nodded slowly. “Thanks, I… appreciate that.”

“The minute you feel something is off, or your veins start to darken, you contact me straight away and get the hell outta there. Understood?”

“Ok, I will,” you promised.

On the one hand, you were grateful that Leon had the courtesy to inform you about what you were getting into, but on the other, you were scared of what was to come. You had heard about the Terragrigia Panic and the B.O.W.s that devastated the floating city a year ago. The gruesome scenes were splashed across the news for weeks. Would the same happen here?

As if he could read your mind, Leon placed a hand on your shoulder to reassure you. “I won’t let them get you.”

“I trust you.” You said it as if it was clear as day.

His eyes bore into yours and his hand made its way towards your cheek, but stopped short in midair, a hair’s breadth away from touching your skin. Then, it fell to the side as he turned away, like he was ashamed of what had just transpired.

You cleared your throat in awkwardness, trying to recall the next point on the meeting agenda. Ah yes, Till.

Till was a fence you got to know from the parties you frequented. He was a friend of a friend of a… you got the idea. At first, you bought your drugs from his minions in the clubs, but then became a regular client of his the moment you started your informant career.

“As requested, I’ve arranged a meeting with Till.” You grabbed your day bag from the seat you had left it on. “He operates out of a nightclub that has a pretty strict door policy. So you’ll have to look the part.”

Leon raised an eyebrow. “Which would be?”

You sighed, unsure of how this would go down. “Um, your usual black get-up will do,” you mentioned tentatively. Unzipping your bag, which unveiled a sneak peek of its contents, you peered back at him. Here goes nothing. “So are you a more of a latex or leather kind of guy?”

What you would have given to permanently capture the look of shock on Leon’s face.

“Are you fucking serious?” He blurted out.

Perhaps you should make the decision for him then. Giving him a once over, you identified a common theme with his casual leather jacket and fingerless gloves. 

“I’m guessing leather,” you discerned, rummaging through your bag for a studded harness and tossing it over to him.

He caught the chunky material in his hands, looking at it with apprehension whilst shaking his head.

Fishing out a translucent, black crop top, you displayed it in front of Leon as you walked over to him. “Maybe over this and a pair of leather boxers.”

He grimaced. “No.”

Well, he sure wasn’t making your job easy. “I’ll be doing most of the ass-kissing at the door,” you argued. “You just have to wear this and keep your mouth shut.”

Please go along with it, you prayed. There was only so much magic you could pull to get him in at the club door.

Examining the outfit you had picked out for him gingerly, he muttered, “Jesus Christ, you’ve gotta be kidding me.”

At least he wasn’t protesting any further.

“I’ll meet you there at 4 in the morning on Sunday,” you reminded him. “You’d better have something substantial to trade with.”

“That’s the least of my concerns right now,” he grumbled, to which you snickered in amusement before departing for the theater.

[unsanctioned-if]

I'm curious about the cast. Can you tell us more about them?

I’m so sorry this answer comes so late. One of the reasons for that is that, while I’ve had a good idea of the main cast and their personalities etc. from the get-go, things do change and shape as I write and I didn’t want to give out a bunch of information that I’d later change haha.

But at this point I feel like I’ve done enough work on them individually to be able to give a proper answer!

I’ll be including the characters that are set as ��main cast” in the intro post (Cirern, Muir, Wren, Astra, Azora and Kirin) plus 3 additional characters that might end up being part of the main cast. Or not, I’m not sure yet. All I know is that they will appear, be important to some part of the story and that at least one of them will have a romance route option.

I’ll also include which characters are romanceable 😊

Cirern

Cirern might seem distant, coming and going on his own terms and keeping his interactions with the MC as short as he can. But like anyone, he has certain fondness for things and might end up saying more than he planned to when faced with particular questions or observations.

During his years at court, Cirern was known for being brilliant and polite, with an arrogance that would shine through only among his closest. He was seen either as a leader nor a follower, and luckily lacked the ambition that might otherwise make him an open enemy to Aíos’ crown. But little did those people know that his ambition was merely well hidden.

Those who knew him would describe him as lively with sudden bouts of melancholy, of thriving among people until he’d wordlessly withdraw without explanation. When the MC meets him, little seems to remain of the man he once was described as. But spending 19 years in someone’s presence is bound to draw out sides you might not expect to ever see.

Muir (RO)

When the MC first meets Muir, he is a dreamy child with curious eyes that seem to hold the universe itself. But as Muir settles into his skin those qualities begin to dim, and his strange sense of wonder turns into awkwardness and uncertainty, and eventually hardens him into a stoic and quiet adult.

Muir is simultaneously hardened to the outside world and very new to it. He doesn’t relish the prospect of talking to strangers or getting involved in business that doesn’t have to do with his and the MC’s goal. Your relationship with him is shaped and explored in chapter 1 and continues from chapter 2; it can be close or distant, but there is something inherent in his existence that ties him to you regardless of how either of you view each other.

Wren (RO)

Wren is a student at the Institute of Arcane Arts and is recognized by many of its teachers as one of its most promising minds. They come from a line of respected spellweavers who have become one of the most reputable houses in Aíos even with their shrouded and mysterious history.

Wren themself, while armed with a sharp mind that’s been honed by years of diligent study, lacks the experience of life outside of high, safe walls – both the walls of their family home and those belonging to the Institute. They would rather spend more time thinking than doing and is not always tolerant of people who can’t see things from their point of view. They can also be suave (or at least, attempt to be) and might show a very different (aka flirty) side if they take a liking to someone.

Azora (RO)

A young woman with a fascination for the arcane – moreso because of what it could do for her and her cause than any interest in the arcane itself.

Azora embodies many traits that humans are looked down on for by the elves – impatience and impulsivity, for one. But she is likewise willing to learn and holds strong beliefs that fuel her decisions. Most would call her charming albeit stubborn with a self-sacrificial streak when it comes to the things she believes in (for better or for worse).

She struggles with reconciling what she has been taught with what she comes to learn, what that means for her perceived purpose. Her own mind has made her its enemy, and she often relies on others to a potentially harmful extent when doubt creeps in.

Kirin (RO)

Kirin is quiet as a shadow and moves much like one, too, walking in and out of your life as he pleases. He is devoted to his beliefs and for all intents and purposes, he seems devoted to serve you, as well.

He is practical but also idealistic when it comes to his faith and what he does for that faith. But the nature of his order is vague and difficult to grasp for someone not directly linked to them.

Kirin’s personality is hard to pin down since he seems to hide much of it beneath his purpose, just like how he hides his face behind his mask. He is calm, though; sometimes eerily so, and often finds amusement in situations where people might find such amusement distasteful. (Although there’s much more I could share, I can’t do it without spoilers, sorry!)

Astra (RO)

As a vampire, Astra can be described as having little regard for mortal lives, and it’s not beyond her to manipulate and scheme to nudge things in the direction she wants them to go. Sometimes that means feasting on the blood of the unsuspecting, and sometimes that is extended to a grander vision and goal.

Although she can be cruel, she is also fiercely loyal to those she’s close with and trusts. Beneath her exterior, something darker and more unpredictable simmers, though she rarely allows that side of her to show.

Rhalyf (RO)

Rhalyf is an Ekkeran hunter from the far north. His job is to track down unsanctioned spellweavers and to protect people from forces of magic that would do them harm.

Most view ekkerans as a bitter, cold people, but Rhalyf is quite the opposite. The hardship he has endured has only strengthened his belief in trying to create a kinder world. And to him, that means exterminating cursed magic, including yours.

Eéithn

Pixies like Eéithn is a rare sight in Aíos’ so called civilized parts. A person who encounters a pixie might count themselves lucky to experience something most could only imagine, but such triumph would be short-lived if they’re not careful when dealing with pixies and their love for trickery.

Whether Eéithn is different from his fellow pixies or embodies all the same qualities that the stories warn about is something the MC will have to determine for themselves. He can seem as sweet as he can seem cruel and might cooperate one moment only to switch allegiances the next.

One thing is for certain, though; like most living creatures, he is desperate to survive.

??? (RO?)

A cryn woman with bright eyes that don't seem quite right. (I really can't say more about her right now.)

Thank you so much for the ask!

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #62 – Mammoths at the Gates by Nghi Vo

This is the latest in my now-extremely-belated attempt to read all the nominees for Best Novella from this year’s Hugos (only need to hunt down a copy of Seeds of Mercury somewhere now!) It was a well-done, enjoyable read – nothing to change your life but, frankly, would have been far more deserving of the prize than Thornhedge was.

This is the fourth in the Singing Hills Cycle, following the itinerant archivist-monk Cleric Chih as they travel across a vaguely Chinese fantasy setting collecting histories and folktales to be collected into the monastery archives. After nearly three years walking the earth, they return to the titalur monastery itself to discover Cleric Thien, a very senior cleric and their own mentor, has died in the intern. Of more pressing concern, two members of their family are outside the gates – one of them a corporal in the Imperial Army with her command of two war-mammoths – demanding their body turned over to buried with their family and ancestors instead of interned in the monastery catacombs. And if that wasn’t enough of a complication Myriad Virtues, Thien’s companion neixin, has been driven to self-mutilation and a total withdrawal by her grief. It is, needless to say, an eventful funeral.

For all that, it’s not a particularly exciting novella, let alone an action-packed one. It’s very much, and very consciously, About Grief in a few different ways. Compared to earlier stories in the series, the narrative is far simpler, with none of the playing around with framing devices, unreliable narrators, or stories-within-stories that have kind of been the cycle’s trademark until now. The freed up space is instead used to make Chih far more of an actual character than they have been previously, rather than just a cipher to experience the narrative happening around them.

I do find myself slightly annoyed at the book because having set out such a genuinely messy and compelling conflict – both on the level of ‘who gets to decide what funerary traditions to follow and where the body is kept, the religious institution or the aristocratic family?’ being the sort of thing that has absolutely started wars, and with ‘who decides how someone should be remembered and grieved, their family or the people they choice to build a life with’ being a theme with a certain amount of contemporary resonance even without the whole thing where clerics are universally refereed to as they/them and Thien’s granddaughters kept insistently referring to them as a man – the book gave itself an easy way out on several different levels. But that’s just me being irritated it isn’t a different story entirely – this is a gentle, elegiac story; the central emotion is the melancholy of quietly organizing a loved one’s things after they’ve passed. On that level it works quite well and is even beautiful at points.

I’ve said before that this series would adapt near-perfectly into a high budget miniseries with a 40-60 minute episode per novella, and I stand by that. If anything, it feels like it’s only getting more true. It does feel like a bit of a loss, though – maybe I’m remembering it as more than it was, but I think Empress of Salt and Fortune had a level of thematic and narrative ambition that all of its sequels have kind of lacked. This and Into the Riverlands especially feel like they exist in a different and...shallower? Simpler? Clearer? Register than the first two entries in the Cycle.

Ah well. It would have to far a long way before it was even in the conversation for most disappointing book I read because of a Hugo nomination. On balance, lovely read with a dog cuddled up beside you on the sofa.

[thestupidhelmet]

I'm disappointed That '90s Show isn't getting its third season. I wanted to see the end of that story, which very likely would've/could've wrapped in a 16-episode season 3. Instead, we've got an unfinished show -- like an unfinished fic (those are so frustrating).

I accepted (or viewed) it as its own show outside of That '70s Show. I enjoyed what we got, and seeing more of (mostly) in-character Red and Kitty in their relationship was a particular treat.

I can only speak for me, but I I think the reason T9S ultimately didn't garner enough of an audience is multifactorial.

1) It tried to appeal to T7S fans' nostalgia while also trying to get brand new fans for a show full of new characters (save Red and Kitty) as principals. This middle ground approach made the show neither fish nor fowl.

2) That '70s Show experimented with ideas new to network sitcoms: regular fantasy sequences, regular pot circles, and characters with emotional depth and psychological complexity who are also funny. It has a certain quirkiness -- along with approaching the 1970s setting in a non-gimmicky way; rather, depicting the sociopolitical and economic issues of the '70s seriously.

While the quirkiness remained for many sessions, the commitment the 1970s setting faded -- although the time period continued to remain relevant to the characters' core throughout and to plots through at least season 4, albeit to a lesser extent than seasons 1 and 2.

3) The writing on That '90s Show didn't go deeply enough. '90s references abound, but they're not essential to the who the characters are and the show's plots. The '90s setting is fun window dressing, but if removed, the characters' personalities wouldn't be affected. They're written closer to modern teens who have an affinity for '90s teen culture, not as actual'90s teenagers.

The characters (new to the show) don't have the same level of stakes as those from T7S, whether as an individual or in their relationships. Nothing is necessarily wrong with having lower stakes, but teenagers tend to experience everything intensely, whether or not that intensity reflects what they're actually going through.

For comparison, in T7S we've got the characters' first experiences with sex -- or adding sexual connection to their relationships -- treated seriously and realistically while also deriving humor from these character-developing stories. After Jackie and Kelso consummate their relationship, for example, Jackie's so afraid of losing him that she acts servile in "That Wrestling Show" -- a complete reversal of her behavior so far but substantiated by the writing. Feminist Donna makes Jackie aware of her faulty thinking, which Jackie interprets very much in-character and seizes back control of her relationship with Kelso.

In T9S, Leia and Jay's first time having sex is depicted as cartoonish -- and as an actual cartoon. In writing, form follows function. The emotional stakes are very low for Leia and Jay, which the cartoon device both represents and confirms. While Jay's revelation in the following episode that all the sex he had before Leia was meaningless shows depth, it doesn't lead to any changes for the couple. Jay had already made the shift in season 1 from being a womanizer to a monogamist.

In T7S, Eric and Donna having sex the first time in season 2 is huge for both of them. Donna has trust issues because of her parents' relationship to sex, how they use it to manipulate each other, their lack of boundaries in regard to keeping their sex life private from Donna. She's afraid that adding sex to her relationship with Eric will destroy it.

Once Donna feels secure about her parents' relationship, she feels secure enough to have sex with Eric. For him, connecting with her that way is very deep and meaningful. It's not just the fact he's having sex but having sex with her. The love Eric feels for Donna is very evident and moving during the scene where he kisses her neck and begins to undress her.

In the following episode, however, we learn that Eric and Donna had two very different experiences during their first time. Eric is emotionally high from a) having sex and b) connecting with Donna sexually. Donna, however, didn't orgasm. Worse, she felt so disconnected from Eric while they had sex that she disassociated. Likely because she was terrified and Eric didn't check in with her and remain emotional present for her. He also orgasmed quicky, which is a realistic detail for a male teenager who'd built up this moment in his mind for over a year.

Their relationship is negatively affected by their lack of communication during sex and afterward. They both end up feeling miserable. Eric feels humiliated when he learns the truth of Donna's experience from a secondary source, which is ultimately the result of Jackie's gossipy nature. But Jackie, as ever being the font of experiential wisdom in certain areas, tells Eric his first-time performance was normal -- as a way of taking responsibility and making correction for her not keeping Donna's truth to herself.

The emotional and relationship stakes in this storyline are high. They're depicted as such, and that creates an emotional connection in the audience.

Moving away from sex (mostly), Hyde's home life in season 1 is depicted as precarious. We learn that his father abandoned him almost ten years ago and that his mother is an alcoholic who's had many sexual relationships and exposed Hyde to most of them. We also learn that Hyde's mom has left him for stretches of time regularly.

He grows up in poverty. The state of his house, its furniture, and the TV is proof of that, along with the fact he has six dollars and some cents total at Christmas to buy a gift for Donna.

In "Career Day," we get a glimpse of how Edna treats Hyde. She either doesn't view or doesn't care that Hyde was a child (and still is at seventeen, albeit old enough by then as not to be completely dependent on her for survival) when she exposed him to her sexual partners and provided/provides no parental stability. She acts entitled to her narcissistic behavior, which unfortunately often goes with being an addict. She constantly equates him with his father, the man who abandoned him to the abuse and neglect of his alcoholic and selfish mother. She clearly expects him to take on the responsibilities of a husband in all ways but sex from the time Hyde is nine. She's transferred her resentment of Bud onto Hyde.

That's enough emotional trauma for any kid, but in "Prom Night" and "Punk Chick," Edna's abusiveness is expressed through her words to him whenever he leaves the house. His sarcasm (at times biting) is clearly inherited from her. His paranoid belief in conspiracy theories also stems from having the two people (i.e. his parents) responsible for his physical survival and emotional well-being creating an unsafe, unpredictable environment. His passive aggressiveness, (which is a lesser part of his characterization until season 5 when the writers intensified it to serve the season's final arc / plot) is inherited from his mother, as well

Then his mother abandons him. He's seventeen. His father's nowhere to be found. His uncle's in prison. He has no family. If Eric and the Formans hadn't taken him in, he would've ended up in prison himself or dead.

Once he does move in with the Formans, we learn even more about his home life with Edna. He lived in a house full of vermin. He was not fed properly ... and his mother hit him, implied to be a regular occurrence.

His emotional defenses are totally understandable. But "Prom Night" establishes that he cares so much about the vulnerable, even for people whose personality he finds abrasive and unlikeable, that he'll put his own comfort and safety aside to help and protect them. This is his core, and it's reconfirmed in the last episode of season 1.

In "The Good Son," he doesn't act entitled to the Formans' help. He's grateful and shows himself to be the opposite of what his mother always accused him of: being lazy like his father. He does chores around the house happily and without expectation of reward. It's his way of "earning his keep".

But when Eric gets jealous of Red and Kitty's positive acknowledgement of Hyde, Eric acts out by bouncing a bowling ball in the living room, with the unforeseen result of destroying the TV. Red is furious. Hyde, out of gratitude for Eric's friendship and being the reason he has a safe home, takes responsibility -- which could result in him becoming homeless vs. Eric being punished relatively benignly. Hyde again sacrifices his safety to protect someone else, this time his best friend.

All of the above about Hyde happens in season 1 and is depicted throughout a portion of its episodes. One season. A handful of episodes. Plot is created organically from the characters, and the plot -- in turn -- affects the characters organically. Humor rises organically from the characters and plots as to be informed by them rather than the characters and plot being manipulated to fit a punchline.

The depth of writing in T7S creates a significant emotional connection with the show's characters in the audience. This depth is what's lacking in That '90s Show despite its pleasures.

Leia, Gwen, Nikki, Nate, Jay, and Ozzie had the potential to become emotionally complex characters. The first few layers are there, but the writing needed to go much deeper -- at least for me -- for a deeper emotional connection to the characters. The emotional stakes had to be higher.

Accepting that T7S S4 Jackie and Kelso are Jay's parents, that Jackie and Kelso divorced twice and Kelso had a child with Brooke during one of them -- or that impregnating Brooke was the cause of the first divorce -- Jay would not have grown into a carbon copy of his father. He would've been a completely different character, affected by his parents' personalities and toxic relationship. I could write a meta about what I believe Jay's personality actually should have been according to the facts of his upbringing.

Nikki is, for me, the most deeply portrayed character. I think the credit goes to the actress for that, not the writing. She has a nuance to her performance the other younger actors lack.

Leia and Gwen, from T9S's first episode (and through season 1), have a massive amount of chemistry that season two (particularly the second half) intentionally dismantles. I'm not saying all the characters in every show evarrrr need to be LGBTQ+ in some way, but Leia's unhappiness in Chicago in the '90s could've had a much deeper, higher stakes reason than T9S gives us (which pushed the limits of my belief).

Leia being bisexual or gay and hiding this fact at her old school would have explained her misery believably, as she's written and depicted in T9S S1 E1. Discovering Gwen through Gwen's window (queue the Melissa Etheridge song if you want; it was released in '93😅), the freedom of expression Gwen displays, the obvious attraction Leia experiences to both (which doesn't have to be romantic or sexual and canonically isn't) -- with different writers (or Netflix allowing it because they can and have made mandates to showrunners about LGBTQ+ content in the past) -- a perfect set up.

I absolutely would've written Leia as bisexual or gay and Gwen as being gay. In the '90s, a teen discovering their sexuality doesn't fit heteronormative society was much harder than it is for teens today (and it's still difficult). Pushing the LGBTQ+ rep to a side character who is barely depicted as a character in season 1 is a safe choice. Making the protagonist not straight in a '90s setting would have opened the storylines and upped the emotional stakes.

As Cosima from Orphan Black says, her sexuality isn't the most interesting part of her. This would (and should) also be true for Leia and Gwen. But Gwen being out to her family and friends would've helped a very-much-in-the-closet Leia navigate her understanding of her sexual orientation and given her a group of people who accepted her vs. what she experienced at home: having to hide an essential part of herself to be safe and accepted.

Had That '90s Show taken writing risks instead of writing to the middle, it could have been a successful descendant of That '70s Show. The essence of T7S, at its best, is having emotionally complex characters, significant stakes, humor arising organically from the first two items listed, integrating the '70s setting into the characters' essence and plots, and innovating with the fantasy sequences -- which weren't all '70s references but the characters imagining scenarios for themselves and other characters (e.g., Red joining the circle; "I am Whipped-Cream Head. Fear me") -- and the 360 circle scenes.

The essence of T9S should've been, imo, to innovate not imitate. If Jackie/Kelso are together in that version, then write the consequences of that seriously for Jay. Kelso in T7S is clearly a product of his upbringing. We hear a lot about his family dynamics but meet his father only once and only one brother out of his six siblings. Jay would not be a Kelso clone -- but I'll save further discussion on that for another meta.

[that-dreaming-dragon]

Archetropy

In some way, I see archetropy as embodying one's own symbolism. Or is it perhaps becoming a symbol yourself? To take on a role, to be in the framework, to embody or identify in some way with a archetype, trope. Compare to being something monstrous, or mythical, or celestial, to have a archetrope feels like to wholly embrace and live being something, and a bit more. It gets a bit fuzzy and there has been discussion of how having archetropal identity can share similarity to having conceptual identity. Yet, the distinction is there, for one is a solid identity, being it, or existing alongside it (conceptual alterhumanity), and the other is something more like symbolic or metaphorical relationship (archetropal alterhumanity).

If I were to say I have a solid relationship with orange or dream, I'd call those conceptual alterhumanity. For me, Mew, ninja, and Affinity Weaver (name pending) are the roles, archetype that I have, took on, or is already. They are not solid identity, but almost like a lifestyle, something that has a shape, a hole which I myself fill in.

In the case of Mew, it's the mythical, whimsical, cryptid nature of Mew. But it's also a sort of special side character in a game that isn't all powerful like the big L Legendary pokemon, yet it fills its own niche. The little mischievousness are also tied in, and a flavor of chaos. I am not a Mew, or identify with mew, but because of all these attribute that I have, my impression of what Mew is, the role Mew filled, which I myself have, Mew is a paratype-archetrope (or, paratrope) to me.

I feel like ninja is self-explanatory. This is definitely one of those chicken-or-egg situation. Is it because of my Naruto hearttype being a potential past life that I have this something with the archetype of being a ninja? Or is it something more generic, a past life outside of Naruto, which I'd suspect to be some sort of Japanese warrior, potentially a shinobi. And it's not just ninja, I have a penchant for stealth genre game, sometimes you are some sort of assassin, sometimes you are some thief. I guess ninja wrap those two up neatly into a single package.

What is Affinity Weaver?

It is something I already embody and live by. I have a self-made title, 糸編むの夢化竜, Thread-weaving Dream Dragon. The thread in question, currently English translation is much lacking and doesn't translate well at all, possibly due to not having such a cultural concept. I'm talking about yuanfen, Wikipedia translate it as "fateful coincidence", a concept in Chinese (and other Asian culture that has Chinese root, potentially Buddhist root) that talks of one's potential connection in life that was due to past lives, like a seed that's planted, a web that had been woven over centuries. I like to talk about it a lot in my earlier alterhuman community life, and I really wish to introduce the concept more in a more official setting, it is such a wonderful concept. Some may thought of only "fate" or "destiny", or even "soulmate", and they are all kinda touching a bit on the concept that is yuanfen. It's like trying to translate certain Chinese word into English, the complexity within a single or two characters is so difficult to express, even with a dozen English word used, it still can't really encompass the whole thing. Yuanfen is like that. I had wrote a bit on my view of how it is very prominant within alterhumanity, and just in general what it could be. I will transcribe it over to tumblr and dreamwidth at a later date, or write up a new one.

What I do on the regular, is that I connect others. If someone express a need for specific sub-communities, and I happen to know or are in them, I try to get them a invite into those spaces. Or if some folks share similarity, if not identical experience, I try to connect them to each other. Sometimes it is me learning niche word and to toss them at people should they need it, but that's something the community already do. Sometimes it's simply me sitting down with someone, and help them figure out their alterhumanity, in their appearance, or any possible way they connect to something. These all seem like something any community member does, but I'd like to think that I especially embody the role of being someone that Connects others. In a punny sort of way, perhaps that's why I enjoy and like Othercon and Otherconnect so much. Maybe I can jokingly call it a Otherconnect archetrope.

Really though, if English weren't the community's primary language, or if it were to be more accessible, I'd probably call myself a Yuan Connector archetroper. Or just have my title directly used, ("Fate") Thread-Weaver archetroper.

[spandexinspace]

Hello if you have the time simply put who are brainiacs family members.. and like how are they related? I never knew he had relations of any kind but im picking up the house of brainiac event but twitter has pushed me down a rabbit hole and now im trying to piece together brainiacs family tree. I am in no way an expert in comics or well read in anything im searching things up but idk what different universes/ dimensions/ timelines mean and who/what is canon. thx 💜

So I made this family tree a few years, which is still largely accurate but I still kinda want to remake at some point. Still, a decent visualiser for now.

I think it's important to note that we don't really know what is and isn't canon right now. We will probably have a better idea of it come June-July, but at the moment everything is a little all over the place and it may also remain that way. Comics.

The ones we know are relevant to Williamson's story are Brainiac and, as per the most recent issue, the pre-Zero Hour version of Brainiac 5. I'm also reasonably certain we'll see Vril II and Brainiac 3.

But, the full-ish list:

Kaja Dox and her unnamed mother - Appeared in Humphries' Green Lanterns in a story set "10 billion years ago". We don't actually know if they're supposed to be related to the others, but we can probably assume as much.

Brainiac/Vril Dox (I) - Big man himself. You know him. Man of many faces and origins. Brainiac 12 and 13 are upgraded versions of him.

Vril Dox II - Brainiac's son. Initially adopted, later either a biological son or clone artificially aged into adulthood. In both versions granted as a boon to Brainiac by Colu's machine overlords.

Techne - Brainiac's clone daughter as introduced during Convergence. Maybe canon. Maybe not the child of the main universe's Brainiac.

Unnamed siblings - Techne had several mutated siblings who Brainiac appeared to have used for experiments. The same has been implied to be true for Vril. They're dead.

Project Alien Farm - A clone made out of Brainiac and Lex Luthor's DNA, probably meant to be a parallell to Superboy/Kon El. Had the misfortune of being born a few months before Flashpoint and hasn't been seen since.

Indigo/Brainiac 8 - An artificial being supposedly created by Brainiac 6 to go back in time to aid Brainiac in his mission. We've never seen Brainiac 6 in canon and she kind of just existed in her own corner with the Outsiders and Titans.

Pran Dox - Formerly the son of Vril Dox II. Only ever appeared in narration, we can assume he doesn't exist now.

Lyrl Dox/Brainiac 3 - The more canon son of Vril Dox II.

This is where things get a little spicy timeline-wise. There are essentially five different versions of the future of the DC universe. Each one is its own universe, but has been the canon future of the main universe before. Like this:

The first timeline is the pre-Zero Hour version, the second the post-Zero Hour/Earth-247, the third Earth-Prime, the fourth is an divergent version of the pre-Zero Hour, and the fourth is post-Rebirth. These characters exist within these timelines:

Kajz Dox (both versions of the pre-Zero Hour timeline) - The son of either Lyrl or Pran. Both have been canon.

Brainiac 4 (post-Zero Hour/Earth-247) - An unnamed female child of Lyrl.

Unnamed female Coluan (Earth-Prime) - A character who appeared for two pages in one comic. Probably Lyrl's daughter.

Post-Rebirth lacks a version of Brainiac 4. Among other things.

Querl Dox/Brainiac 5 - Exists in every timeline/universe. The great-great-grandson of Brainiac, by various means.

There are a couple of other characters who can sort of be considered members of the family, but they're not super relevant at this stage.

I don't know how understandable all that is, feel free to shoot me another ask if you want me to clarify anything.

[kivaember]

woe walter/michigan be upon thee

(this is set during their furlong dynamics years, before walter fucks off to parts unknown and michigan jumps ship to balam, so they're like mid to late 20s here)

The air was thick with the smell of carbonite and smoke, a faint, greyish haze layered over the wreckage of the Balam outpost Walter's team had been sent in to destroy. It was on some backwater planet in the middle of some nowhere system that lacked any and all strategic value. Furlong and Balam had been squabbling over the ownership of this planet for decades, if only because it was one of the very, very, very rare few that naturally had an atmosphere compatible with human life. No cost to terraform.

Of course, they were terraforming it in its own way. Walter surveyed the charred out ruins before him, breathing in the smoky air as he waited for the all clear from higher command. A few Furlong MTs were ambling around, ensuring Balam reinforcements weren't going to come leaping out of the bushes, but Walter was pretty certain that was going to be it for the day. Balam were too busy snarled up with Arquebus back in the solar system to focus overly much on this waste of a planet.

(Meanwhile, Furlong were expertly staying out of that nasty squabble, allowing themselves to focus on these so-called 'unimportant' planets to swallow into its ever growing pile of assets. Furlong wasn't the richest or the largest corporation, but it was the most cunning and scheming, and always willing to play the long game to assure its success)

Walter leaned back, resting against the opened hatch door of his AC. He was sitting outside of it, the Core's slightly elongated rear giving him a somewhat comfortable ledge to sit on outside of his cockpit. Smoky air or not, he preferred sitting outside of his AC if he had to wait. The cockpit was too stifling.

He scoffed quietly. Imagine that: an AC pilot that hated piloting.

But that was how he was. He always did things out of necessity, rather than any personal want. The few selfish decisions he took could be counted on one hand, his life given towards a goal that no one except a precious few could hope to understand or grasp. He felt his mood start to shift, and dug into the front pocket of his flight suit to pull out a packet of cigarettes.

Which was when Michigan decided to show up.

LIGERTAIL, a quad-legged AC that lived up to Furlong Dynamic's maxim of 'you can't have too many rockets', came to a halt beside Walter's far more basic LOADER ZERO, an AC constructed out of repurposed and salvaged AC parts. One of the perks of being with Furlong was that it expected its pilots to source their own AC - which was also one of the downsides, as Walter, being working class scum, would never have been able to do such a thing if he didn't have Carla acting as a scrapper queen in Ganymede's slums.

But it meant Furlong didn't complain about his salvaged AC. They weren't big into the advertisement game when it came to their in-house AC squad, not like with Balam and Arquebus that commercialised them to an insane degree (some of them even had merchandise), so, so long as he did his job and did it well, Walter could pilot a goddamn forklift into battle if he wanted.

Hence LOADER ZERO. A bit of an inside joke with himself.

"Walter!" Michigan yelled once he'd climbed out of his own AC, standing atop of LIGERTAIL's shoulder and giving him a hearty wave. "Got a spare?"

Only one thing he'd be asking for. Walter wordlessly lifted up his cigarette pack, and Michigan whooped.

Like the lunatic that he was, Michigan jumped the gap between their two ACs - a considerable one, since even despite Michigan parking as close as possible, the quad-legged bodyplan of LIGERTAIL made it cumbersome to stand abreast of another AC. But Michigan managed it, as always, and Walter watched with heavy-lidded eyes as Michigan traversed LOADER ZERO's Core with well-trodden experience until he could sit down beside him.

"Phew! Nothing like an easy mission, huh?" Michigan asked as he accepted an offere cigarette. "Got a light?"

"Yeah."

There was a pause as Walter lit up both their cigarettes, both of them taking a moment to breathe in deep and exhale, their smoke fading into the hazy grey air. A few clouds were starting to gather, Walter noticed detachedly. He wondered if it rained on this planet, and if so, what kind.

"Head sheds want us to plant the flag and hold this location for a few days," Michigan said conversationally. "Dunno why. The outpost's just a bunch of charred bricks now. How many times have we blown this shithole up? Ten? Eleven?"

"This would be the thirteenth time," Walter answered. "Balam might let it go for now, though."

"Probably." Michigan drew in deep from his cigarette, and paused as he tried to puff out smoke rings. He failed, but he kept on trying. "Damn. Can never get this right."

"You're not moving your tongue right."

"Oh?" Predictably, Michigan leered at him, waggling eyebrows and all. "Wanna show me what to do with my tongue?"

"Sure." Walter put his cigarette back in his mouth, but kept his hand covering it, hiding his smirk from view. "Curl it back towards your throat and choke on it."

Michigan wasn't insulted. He laughed obnoxiously, like Walter knew he would, and flicked some of his ash at him. "Cheeky shit. Let's see you blow a smoke ring, then."

Slowly, Walter pulled his cigarette from his mouth, and blew a perfect ring right into Michigan's face.

"Ugh..." Michigan waved it away, stifling a quiet cough as he did so. "Show off."

They fell into a companionable silence. After two more cigarettes, where Michigan began to make somewhat recognisable smoke rings, albeit heavily deformed, Walter flicked away the stubbed ends of his and asked: "What're your plans after this?"

"Depends what you mean by 'this'." Michigan pulled his knee towards him, resting his arm across the top of it. "After the all clear?"

"Sure."

"Crawl into my pathetic pit that I've got to call a 'bed' here and try to pretend I'm not on this dreary shithole of a planet." Despite Michigan's words, he sounded quite cheerful about this. "Been weeks since I had a waffle... I'm getting withdrawals."

"Right. It's the waffles you miss." Knowing Michigan, he probably was missing the waffles over the other basic amenities denied to them here. "Not the hot showers, or those disgusting matcha lattes you keep buying."

"There's something wrong with your fucked up tongue if you hate matcha lattes," Michigan sniffed, but he neatly sidestepped the well-worn, mundane argument. "Why'd you ask anyways?"

"I'm also planning on crawling into my pathetic pit I've got to call a bed after this," Walter said, his tone dull. "Was wondering if you'd want to join me."

Michigan didn't say anything at first. He was giving him a somewhat exasperated yet fondly amused look, his mouth curved into a crooked half-grin.

"...how many years have we been doing this?" Michigan asked rhetorically. "You still make propositions like you're reading off the back of a cereal packet."

"Yet it works every time on you, so clearly you find it charming." Walter wasn't the type to be romantic or pretty up his words, and Michigan knew that, so he didn't bother trying. "Are you going to join me or not?"

"Sure, I haven't got anything better to do."

Simple and straightforward. Walter watched as Michigan stubbed out his cigarette on LOADER ZERO's pitted hull and tossed it away, the tiny stub vanishing almost immediately from view.

"And, it's my favourite activity..." Michigan continued in a low, sultry purr, slanting a heated look his way. Walter just stared flatly at him. "S'always fun wrecking that composure of yours."

"So you've said many times," Walter said, unruffled. In his mind, his reactions during sex were their own private thing, and nothing to get flustered about - no matter how much Michigan tried to get him embarrassed about it. "Is this you asking me to be extra loud?"

Michigan threw his hands up. "Impossible. You're impossible. What do I see in you?"

Walter shrugged, because he genuinely had no idea. He was emotionally distant, curt and didn't bother with niceities, yet for some incomprehensible reason, Michigan sought him out every time, stuck by his side, goaded him and encouraged him, fucked him senseless yet offered very awkward yet genuine comfort the few times Walter's mask slipped. Michigan, strangely, actually cared about Walter in a way no one really had before, and he wasn't getting anything useful in return.

It was a mystery, but Walter had long since concluded that Michigan was kind of touched in the head. He was an executive's son, raised with a silver spoon in his mouth yet willingly disowned himself to rub shoulders with the grunts, climbing his way through the ranks from the very bottom. He had to already be crazy to do something like that, let alone imprint on Walter despite having enough charisma and good looks to hook up with basically anyone else of his choosing.

"I think you're a masochist," Walter joked, but not really.

"Yeah, probably," Michigan agreed easily. "I dunno. I think I just like difficult challenges."

Walter hummed vaguely, acknowledging that point, and dug out another cigarette. He lit it up, taking in a long drag, before holding it out for Michigan.

"I hope you're having fun with it," Walter murmured, as Michigan accepted the cigarette and took his own drag. "Most people would get bored by now."

"Hah! I'm not most people!" Michigan guffawed, his laughter obnoxious as always. "You ever known me to back down from a challenge? Course not! I'll wear you down eventually."

"Maybe."

But probably not. Walter's dedication to his mission was unwavering, and his thing with Michigan had always been a somewhat selfish indulgence that was always going to be temporary. Yet, sitting here, sharing a smoke, chatting about inconsequential things, it was easy to forget in the moment. Easy to forget about the Coral, the looming mission, the future atrocity he'll commit, one that'll condem him to hell no matter what.

Michigan handed him back the cigarette, and Walter watched the burning end, how the white paper crinkled into black ash as it smouldered.

But he forgot only briefly. One day, Walter will have to cut this singular tie off. He wasn't going to drag Michigan into his mission, to burn alongside with him. In a way, maybe that was the only way Walter could show his care for him, to keep him away from the road to hell Walter was going to walk.

It'd be for the best. But for now-

He smoked his cigarette and blew smoke rings, watching Michigan's handsome visage from the corner of his eye and pretended he was just a taciturn pilot of no importance, poorly flirting with his academy friend and knowing he'll end up in his bed by the end of the day, one way or another.

Even Walter was human, and even he wanted a pleasant memory to hold in his mind, when he eventually cast himself into the hellfire.

[the-forests-blessing]

Chapter 23

Sunlight dapples in through the swaying branches of the old willow. Its yellow leaves tremble and depart with a delicate pluck from the drooping limbs, falling atop an ocean of healthy green grass below. The warm light rouses our sleeping author from his nap, as well as the sweet aroma of wildflowers and honey being carried by the wind. Lukas groans in annoyance, nestling his face away into his blanket from the breaching light. 

     So bright… Weird... This doesn't feel like my blanket either. Lukas breathes in, finding that the blanket carries a strange earthy scent as well. 

     …Wait a second.

     Lukas’ eyes snap open, quickly registering that, yes, he is indeed outside, before sitting up and looking around wildly. 

     When did I fall asleep?!

     He looks down now, his startled gaze resting upon the heavy moss pelt that the Admin seemingly draped over him after he'd fallen asleep. 

     Oh right.

     Lukas rubs at his eyes a bit, ridding himself of the blurriness to better scan his surroundings. His heart sinks with realization that Admin is nowhere to be seen. From beneath the weeping willow, he cannot see the outside world. He maneuvers onto his knees before coming to a stand, grabbing his satchel as well as the cloak and bringing it along with him, bundling the heap of moss and leaves up in his arms as he exits the base of the tree.

     Passing through the drape of leaves, he's out in the open once again, Lukas notices just how much the sun has descended the sky. He glances down at the watch on his left wrist, frowning at himself for wasting so much precious daylight sleeping! Those four hours of sleep last night did nothing to keep him well rested. He facepalms, dragging the hand down his face and draws his lips into a thin line as he looks around. The meadow is calm, glowing in the evening sun. Finally his search stops to his far right, spotting a certain someone not so far in the distance.

     A deep sigh of relief. He approaches casually, Lukas shows no signs of caution as he walks towards the Admin. He finds the deity sitting down in the grass a few blocks distance away from the willow. With the setting sun, the shadows of the evergreens now dominate the landscape, casting a blanket of darkness over the grass. 

     The air gets colder as Lukas gets closer. Coming to a stop just a few blocks away from the Admin, he begins to feel goosebumps rise atop his skin, from his arms to his shoulders, then around the back of his neck. The dark blue forest god doesn’t look at him, nor greet him in any sort of way, but Lukas is experienced enough to know the deity is aware of his presence. In front of the Admin is a pond, beautified by lily pads, no doubt full of life in the spring and summer. The most it looks now is calm and cold. 

     “Admin?” Lukas finally speaks softly, concerned for the lack of greeting. There is no response, just the deity staring out towards the pond. Stepping closer, Lukas notices now he’s criss-crossed with his cheek held in one hand, his elbow resting on his knee. A look that the human himself is familiar with, usually accompanied by feelings of internal conflict; at least from his own experience. He takes one step closer, his voice hushing even softer as he mutters, “you okay?” 

     Without so much as a blink of an eye, Lukas feels himself being warped, his vision blurring until he’s standing back at the front of the forest’s treeline. Shocked, he gasps and looks down to see the mossy cape he once held has disappeared, then looks behind himself to see his friend glaring down at him, his sturdy leather armor now adorned by the moss once more. The Admin reaches forward, giving Lukas’ back an encouraging push towards the exit of the forest, but the author’s feet clump up the pine needles and dirt with the refusal to move. 

     “What? That’s it? You’re just gonna push me out?” Lukas asks, a bit offended by the light shove. Using his powers to make them appear in his own hands, the Admin takes hold of his own journal and quill, writing up a quick, ‘Late. Time to go.’ Lukas reads it, but he’s still giving his friend a dismissive eye roll. “You know, I’m no professional, but I’m pretty sure there’s kinder ways of telling someone it’s time to leave than to lead them directly to the door and try to push them out.” 

     The Admin’s glare narrows, his intimidating eyes staring Lukas down, but having no effect on the stubborn little human. Knowing this, the Admin emits a frustrated growl and averts his glowing gaze, then crosses his arms, matching Lukas’ stubbornness. 

     “What’s gotten into you? I thought we had a good day today.” Lukas questions pointedly, feeling concerned, as well as a bit hurt by his friend’s sudden change in behavior. The Admin huffs, his frown deepening, then he takes out his writing utensils once more, writing out, ‘Today is good. But time to go.’

     Lukas feels… conflicted about all this. Maybe he wanted to do more archery practice? Or maybe he’s upset that I fell asleep… There’s no way to tell, not with how standoffish the Admin is currently being. He doesn’t seem willing to talk much, let alone make eye contact either. Lukas feels crestfallen by this, but he tries not to make it apparent. Instead, he merely nods. “Well… Alright then. Let’s meet up again tomorrow, and I promise, I’ll work on all the archery stuff more. I think I’m really starting to get the hang of it.” 

     Lukas is relieved when his friend responds with a thumbs up, no matter how grumpy he looks. Lukas has learned after much experience that the frown seems like sort of a default expression for the forest dweller regardless of mood. So he smiles, sighing softly before making his move and closing the distance between himself and the Admin. He’s begun to really look forward to these hugs. They provide the most wonderful feeling; a sense of belonging, especially when he feels those big arms wrap back around him. 

     But there is a pause… The Admin tenses up as Lukas shows his efforts for affection, making the blond falter, but not relent. After a few seconds the hug is thankfully returned and the tension dissipates… But Lukas can’t help but feel like there’s something wrong. 

     Lukas pulls away now, giving his friend one last soft smile before gesturing a small wave. “See you tomorrow,” he says. He’s not even turned around yet and the Admin has suddenly vanished. Lukas startles at the flash of white that engulfs the man’s body, then the darkness that swallows his form and blinks him out of sight. All that remained is a flurry of dark petals that smoldered in blue flame until disappearing, unfortunately before Lukas had the chance to reach out his hand in an attempt to catch one. 

     The human lingers for a few moments, clearly disheartened before turning fully and exiting the forest. Hopefully the Admin won’t be feeling so grumpy tomorrow. 

     Before Lukas has the chance to walk up the steps of the BeacInn, he’s halted by a familiar voice approaching him from the street. The blond turns his head to see the vest wearing hunter himself, Jack, approaching him with an expression Lukas can already tell is going to lead to questioning. 

     “Hey, Jack… Hhhow’s it goin?” Lukas pulls the door open, chiming the bell but stopping in the doorway. 

     “Keep on going, we can talk in the lobby,” Jack’s gruff voice says as he approaches the taller male, splaying a hand out over the wood of the door and holding it open for Lukas to enter freely, then Jack follows suit. “Have a seat on one of those chairs over there will yuh?” Jack asks and Lukas, a little confused, complies to the request. 

     The BeacInn has a cozy little lobby waiting room, something Lukas always imagined people from all over the world may have once filled, sitting together by the fireplace with stories of their travels that led them here to BeaconTown. Now though, every time he enters, the space is completely void of life. As Lukas sits down and Jack follows, the name-lacking front desk receptionist peers curiously over the counter.

     When Lukas sits, he’s a little weirded-out to find Jack sitting down directly in front of him on the coffee table arranged between the one couch and a few cushioned chairs. Lukas restrains the urge to flinch away when the man’s large, calloused hands gently grasp his scarred jaw, turning his head to, you guessed it, peer deeply into the bruised eye which Lukas now shuts to avoid eye contact.

     “I swear it’s nothing-” 

     “Lying won’t get you anywhere with me. You may have fooled Radar, but I have eyes like a hawk, kid.” Jack’s voice is deep with a serious tone that makes Lukas' skin crawl. Does he? Lukas wonders. That left eye seems awfully cloudy. Jack relents his hold and sits back, crossing his scarred arms and giving Lukas a look of expectation. “You really are elusive like an ocelot. I’ve been looking everywhere for you. What in all the worlds happened the other day?”

     “Jack, I really don’t want to–”

     “Nuh-uh. Nope.” Jack sits forward a bit, closing in on the reluctant blond. “You tell me exactly who did this to you.”

     Lukas’ mouth opens for a moment, then closes, averting his gaze. “Jack.. I really don’t know if I should talk about it. I think it would be better if we just left it in the past. I’m okay now, seriously.” 

     “Did he do this to you?” Jack says with a low growl, his scarred eyes narrowing with unspoken anger. 

     “He?” Lukas tries to play up his ignorance. These people will clearly never believe him when he says it was not the Admin who did th–

     “Aiden.” Jack whispers. “Did he do this to you?”

     …Okay, color Lukas surprised. He wasn’t expecting that name to drop from Jack’s mouth. The author’s eyes widened with shock, his teal eyes searching Jack’s own discolored ones in a moment of telling silence. Jack’s nose wrinkles and his face twists, reaffirming his anger.

     “I knew it. I knew we shouldn’t have let him take off. I knew he was going back to mess with you.” Jack thuds his closed fist against his own thigh in frustration. 

     “W-wait… You… Know how much of a creep that guy is?” Lukas asks.

     Jack scoffs out a laugh. “ Know? Creators, Lukas, imagine dealing with the guy for the past eight years. Aiden is a walking-talking thorn in people's boots. Petra’s mind may be a bit too lost for her own good, but the rest of us can see what a lunatic that Aiden is. A real wolf in sheep's clothing.” Jack sighs with a shake of his head. “I’m sorry you’ve gotten yourself tangled up in such an outrageous mess.” 

     Well… At least now Lukas knows Jack is one of the most sane people here in town. His trust in him has built itself up slowly overtime, although it never grew so much in such a short time, with such few words between the conversation still. 

     “So… What happened after Aiden re-grouped?” Lukas asks curiously. 

     “Well at first, he told us he was just going to go test one of the nearby traps we laid out. I wasn’t so keen on letting him go alone, but Petra is Petra. She makes the decisions. When he got back, I could tell something had happened. Petra, though,” he shakes his head, “always too damn lost in her own thoughts to notice what’s going on with the people around her. I was worried sick about you when we got back and saw you weren’t there. Aiden suggested you’d probably been too much of a scaredy cat and went home. Is that what happened after he hurt you?”

     Lukas feels like he’s just been hit by a minecart full of information. Aiden came back to him clearly looking for a fight, Petra is too lost in her own thoughts to care, whatever that means. But Jack noticed and worried for his safety… There has been no guilt eating away at him, believing these people did not truly care what happened to him after they’d noticed he was missing. Seems that’s not all it cracked up to be. At least not with Jack. 

     “Yeah..” Lukas glances away, finding it difficult to lie to the man while looking him in the eyes. 

     “What led up to him hitting you? What did he say?”

     Lukas winces at that. “He just said to stop trying to get involved with his group, which, I’m really not trying to. He didn’t believe me when I said that, and, well… Gave me a shove and my ocelot, Dewey, really didn’t like that. So Dewey gave him a swipe and I just… Creators, I couldn’t stop myself, Jack. Aiden kicked him and it was like my body moved on its own. Next thing I knew my fist was colliding with Aiden’s face. Then he hit back and I-” his voice softened, “ran back here to town.” 

     Jack looks furious hearing all this, although he doesn’t have much to say in response. He looks pensive, deep in thought. 

     “...Why do you care about me?” Lukas can’t help but ask him. The two retain eye contact for a few seconds before Jack is looking down into his own lap, his hands clasping together and laying atop his knees as his head hangs low. Lukas can’t see his entire face, but he caught a glimpse of the deep frown within his grizzly beard.

     “I’ve lost a lot of people I care about in my life. Good people. I’ve seen what evil looks like, and Aiden… He’s a product of it, I can just… feel it. But you, I can tell you’re a good person, Lukas… I’ve seen what horrible things people can do to each other. Things I cannot bear to stomach witnessing again. That is why I care. I don’t want to see you end up facing up against the demons. They will always win, no matter what.” 

     Lukas isn’t quite sure what to make of that. There’s an incredible weight to Jack’s words that has the blond flowing with questions. “Jeez… I don't ever see myself getting tangled up in something like that. That’s what heroes are for, right?” 

     The hunters voice turns grim as he stares into Lukas' eyes. “...Not even the greatest heroes always survive against the evils of our world.” Jack reaches out, laying his hand atop Lukas’ shoulder and gives it a strong grip. Jack gives him a light shake as he speaks. “Promise me you’ll take care of yourself for the last month of your visit.”

     Lukas affirms with a nod. “I promise.”

     Jack relieves his hold before coming to a stand. “Don’t go looking for trouble, Lukas. Stick to what you know, and stay close to those you trust.” And with that, he turns, but just before he begins walking away, Lukas comes to a stand and blurts out the man’s name. Jack turns, eyeing the author curiously.

     “Please don’t tell anyone about this, Jack. Aiden can’t find out that you know. And please don’t tell Petra.” Lukas gently pleads. “All it will do will stir up more trouble, and I want to avoid that at all costs.” 

     Jack’s listening, keeping his head turned towards his shoulder but he doesn’t look at Lukas. He deliberates on that request for a few moments before nodding. “You have my word, Lukas. But if anything happens, know that you’re safe with me, or even that goofy little guy Radar too.” 

     With that, the door chimes and Jack’s warm presence leaves the building. Lukas lingers in his spot for a couple seconds before he himself comes to a stand, sighing and sticking his hands in his pockets. Just before he’s able to escape the lobby, the receptionist girl peeks her head around the corner.

     “What was all that about?” She asks. 

     Lukas doesn’t spare a glance at her. “Oh, you know, business. Work. All that fun stuff,” he says as he walks up the nearby stairs. The girl doesn’t respond, fixing Lukas with a concerned look before glancing back at the front entrance. 

     Tomorrow comes and goes, and just as the previous day, Admin seems to be too distracted in his own thoughts to really pay as close attention to his little visitor as he usually does. During archery practice, Lukas notices how he keeps himself isolated to the forest’s shadows despite possessing the natural ability to come stand beside him out in the sun. The man keeps to himself, arms crossed and avoiding. 

     The third day, Lukas begins to really feel like he’s done something wrong. During another writing session beneath the willow tree, the ecologist asks Admin if there’s anything he’s done to upset him, just to be sure , but the man always shakes his head, often keeping his gaze averted whenever Lukas is talking. It’s a complete change to what he’s been used to for the past couple weeks. If Admin isn’t walking directly in front of him, he’s usually keeping his eyes glued to him. Lukas can feel it.

     Even with that small reassurance, Lukas cannot stop the knot of anxiety tying his insides up. On the fourth day, he’s hitting more and more bullseyes on the targets, even beginning to walk while he focuses on a target and shoots. Practicing while moving is a bit new and still sort of awkward, but he’s confident he’ll get the hang of it. He’s already made incredible progress so far, and in such a short span of time! He remembers some people taking months of classes to master the art of archery.

     Who knows, maybe he's always had the heart of a potential marksman; he just never knew it. 

     He looks to Admin for praise, but the gloomy look on the man’s features sets an uneasy feeling in Lukas’ heart. Admin always looks gloomy, sure, but there’s been plenty of moments where Lukas is able to get a smirk out of him. Maybe even make him scoff and roll his eyes. Or the few rare times he’s been able to make him smile. His smile is the most gentle Lukas has ever seen on another person. A smile that looks so shy and uncertain, while being the brightest and happiest at the same time. 

     It’s something Lukas would describe as precious, and creators, what he would do to make him smile again. 

     The fifth day Lukas comes with Dewey and a bundle full of frosted honey biscuits. Admin greets him in their usual meeting spot and Lukas is absolutely delighted to see Berry has decided to join the party for the day. The little allay has been absent for the past few days. Whenever Lukas would ask of its whereabouts, the Admin would just shrug and look away. He’s not sure if he’s serious, or hiding something. Lukas doesn’t see a reason for Admin to lie about Berry’s location. 

     Either way, he’s happy he gets to spend time with the three of his most cherished friends. And ever since the discovery of his feelings, he’s feeling more and more antsy to return to the woods, no matter what kind of mood Admin is in, Lukas just really wants to see him. 

     Even after these past few days, he still has no clue what to do with these feelings, if they are truly what he believes them to be. It’s hard to think of romantic things, because most of the time those thoughts end up embarrassing Lukas to the point where he’s hidden himself beneath his pillow in an attempt to hide from them. Hugging Admin feels amazing, but they only just started that. He can’t help but feel… selfish wanting more. So soon no less. 

     The more he read up on these emotions, the more he came to address a huge issue he never considered. A feeling some people call “touch-starved”, which the more Lukas read up on, the more he felt he related to the feeling and learned that, when finally experiencing positive forms of physical contact, it can elicit these types of emotions. Those love-sick fuzzy feelings. To yearn for more of that feeling, and to feel shy for it when around the person who feels right. 

     Why… Just why did it have to be the Admin though?

     The person who’s past remains a mystery… And those people here in town who want him dead. And no one will tell him why. 

     It’s becoming more and more obvious though, that if Lukas is to ever… indulge in these feelings, then he has to learn exactly who he’s wanting to build that type of bond with. That’s if the Admin even wants him that way in return, which to Lukas, sounds a bit too good to be true. He said he liked him, but even with his high hopes, Lukas knows it is not in the way he himself feels for Admin. 

     Which leads to the biggest question. Who on earth does he ask for a backstory from first? Both sides seem unwilling to talk. The tension between the hunters and the Admin seems terribly one-sided, doesn’t it? Admin doesn’t seem to really care about them, showing little concern when Lukas described all of Aiden’s intentions. It just seems so ridiculous to endlessly hunt for something that quite literally cannot be caught. Well… or so Lukas thinks. For this reason, Lukas can understand why that would frustrate the hunters to no end, but creators, how long have they been at it again? 

     What could have possibly happened to keep this intense hunt this active after so long? 

     Just… Who is Admin to these people? 

     Lukas has thought this many times over the course of his time in BeaconTown, but only now with his newfound feelings does he truly feel the need to finally put his foot down and demand answers. …That is still a bit anxiety-inducing to think about though, so…

     Today Lukas spends his time in the forest really focusing on his ecological studies, finding that he’d completely gone off course over the past week. So distracted in learning how to shoot his bow, and teaching Admin how to rediscover his ability to write. October has finally arrived, and with the pressure of this final month closing in, Lukas feels more driven to fill out the rest of his journal now more than ever.

     Berry joined him today while Admin kept his distance walking behind the lively author and his party of two. Lukas has begun to expect the Admin’s distance. Admin seems… uncomfortable around him sometimes. He’s even grown hesitant to accept the ecologist’s cookies and other treats he offers as his gratitude for friendship. 

     Lukas’ heart weighs heavy in his chest. Seeing the distance that has grown between them reminds him of when they’d first started to get to know each other. Admin isn’t using his powers to push Lukas away though, and he still accepts his hugs, but there is a level of unspoken confliction on the deity’s features that makes Lukas linger, gazing curiously at him before turning back to whatever it is he’s journaling about. 

     “You’ve been awfully quiet recently,” Lukas mutters.

     The wind blows, causing the massive pines looming above them to sway and move with the flow of the gusts. Cold weather keeps Lukas bundled up and Dewey’s pelt looking extra puffy. The three of them stand by the forest’s entrance again, just far enough in to keep out of sight, and for Admin to remain in the shadows. Lukas scuffs his boot in the dirt, his gloved hands in his peacoat pockets. He looks up, a little uncertain.

     “Admin, are you sure everything is okay? You keep saying it is, but I don’t know…” The author shrugs and looks off into the dense forest foliage. “I just can’t help but worry. Your feelings matter to me too, you know. That’s what friends are supposed to do. We look out for each other.” After saying that, the Admin’s glowing gaze softens, resting warmly on the human who keeps his gaze averted. 

     “You know you can tell me anything… ” Lukas looks back at him, worried, but still hopeful for a response that may lead him to better understanding. The Admin doesn’t budge though. The only thing he does in response to that is expel a very heavy sigh through his nose. 

     Lukas winces, an uncontrollable surge of thoughts and questions flooding his mind. Ask him. Ask him about his past. Ask him why this is happening!

     A heavy step forward. 

     Dewey keeps to his spot, his emerald eyes wide and focused as the towering deity closes in. Lukas stiffens, staring him in the eyes as the deity reaches out towards his face, his glove, torn with years of use, hesitating right by the human’s pink cheeks before brushing against his ear. Lukas blinks as he’s then presented with a truly unexpected sight. As if he’d plucked it from his hair, a flower is held in the Admin’s hand, held out in front of Lukas’ face in a delicate offering.

     Lukas reaches out, taking the tiny flower into his own gloved hand and examining it closely. It’s a species he’s never seen before! A beautiful blue, glowing with the forest’s radiance. It’s star-like in shape, with five little oval petals that turn whiter the closer they get to the pistil. The ecologist’s eyes light up with wonder, floored with the unbelievable gift.

     “Woooah… What kind of flower is this? Wait a minute– how did you do that?” Lukas asks, then pauses and shakes his head. “Wait no, that’s a dumb question.” He looks back at the Admin, feeling that sweet fuzzy feeling again. Lukas sighs, smiling softly at the gift– then he gets an idea. “Oh!” Lukas reaches up, tucking the flower up behind his own ear. “Check it out, we’re matching!” He says joyously, looking up at the little feather charm that the Admin keeps in his hair. 

     Finally, in what feels like forever, Lukas is able to get the slightest smile from the other man. Even if it’s quick, he can see the way his scarred lips tugged upward faintly. It’s something that pulls Lukas in instantly. 

     From the forest entryway, Dewey watches his owner share another hug with this Admin guy. The ocelot sits impatiently, his tail flicking over his paws as he waits for Lukas to just get this over with . The big cat yawns, glancing away and staring off into the bushes. Strange. That little blue bird was just here with them a little while ago. Where did it stray off to? 

     The sound of Lukas’ sudden groan of dismay catches the ocelot’s attention, looking back at the pair now. Dewey’s whiskers twitch, finding humor in watching the most entertaining scene of the taller blue human using his hand to mess up his owner’s hair, just to make him whine and complain. Now you know how it feels, Dewey thinks. It’s funny, especially knowing how long Lukas spends in the bathroom grooming himself up for the day.

     When Lukas returns to Dewey’s side, he’s a completely pink in the face, grumbling mess. Dewey looks back to where Admin was and sees that he’s vanished. The ocelot doesn’t linger on it, instead trotting after Lukas with his long spotted tail held high, happy to finally return home after a fun day of sunbathing and blue bird chasing. 

     Lukas spends the walk back to town inspecting the flower the Admin gave him. He’s still pondering the flower’s existence, wondering if this is the product of something Admin culminated right before his very eyes, or if this is something that he has yet to stumble upon while walking in the Admin’s forest. The deity did say with a grand gesture that the forest is big , and that Lukas still has lots to see. He wonders just how much he’s still somehow missing out on. 

     By the time he’s making it back to his room, he’s already making a split second decision. “Oh Dewey, we got an entirely new specimen to examine. You know what that means?” Lukas asks his scowling ocelot. Yes, Dewey knows what that means, but the ecologist announces it out loud joyously anyways. “Study time!” 

     He drops some stuff off in his room and gathers other belongings before he’s leaving again, Dewey following him out the door to the library once again. At this point, Dewey expects nothing less from his easily predictable owner. The quiet evening has befallen BeaconTown making the two ocelots extra cautious in the dark as they make their way to the old building. 

     Opening the door, Lukas takes a peek inside. “Hmmm…” He’s looking for one person in particular, hoping Radar isn’t working today. From the looks of it, the coast is entirely clear, welcoming Dewey and his owner into the wonderfully vacant halls of endless literature. “Sweet, the place is all ours buddy.” Lukas says as he lays his satchel down atop one of the desks in the middle of great halls. 

      Squeak!

     Lukas freezes, then glances down at Dewey with a confused look. “Did you just sneeze?” He asks. Dewey’s ears pin back and he gives his friend an offended looking shake of his head. Lukas looks back down at his satchel curiously, lifting the bag just enough to open its flap and take a peek inside. 

     “Wha-?!” The author’s expression lights up with shock, staring down into his bag and finding a certain little blue sprite wedged between books and the front of his bag. “Berry?!” Lukas is completely taken aback. He quickly reaches in, gently cusping beneath the squished spirit and pulling it up and out of the bag. The allay shakes itself off and floats upward, then takes a look around at its entirely new surroundings.

     “Berry what on earth are you doing?” Lukas asks with urgency. He takes one fearful look at the front door, then lowers his voice into a hushed whisper. “You can’t be hiding in my satchel like that! What if someone were to see you? And what about Admin? He must be looking for you by now.”

     Berry ignores him, seemingly too enchanted in the entirely new world it’s been accidentally introduced to. Lukas and Dewey watch the allay float aimlessly, its crystally  eyes wide with awe taking in something that isn’t trees and foliage. Lukas and Dewey both share a concerned glance with each other and that’s when Lukas decides to follow the wandering allay.

     “You’ve never been around something like this, have you?” Lukas asks as he approaches his little spirit friend. The allay turns and gives a shake of its head before returning to its bout of adventure, zooming away from Lukas quickly now, zipping in and out of isles of books, even passing through some of the spaces between the shelves. Lukas continues following, finding it incredibly easy to keep an eye on Berry’s whereabouts thanks to the blue glow that illuminates its darker surroundings. 

     “Sooo have you been in the forest your whole life then?” Lukas asks, jogging up to the little critter that’s stopped to examine an elegant looking globe sitting on top of one of the back tables. Berry looks up at him, shakes its head, then keeps wandering. “Wait, really? Oh– hey, slow down!” Dewey hops up on top of one of the tables to get a front row seat of his owner chasing after his little blue bird. 

     “Where else did you live before? Does that mean you haven’t always known Admin? Holy crap, I can’t believe I haven’t even thought of this yet!” Lukas starts talking aimlessly, enough to make Berry stop and give him an annoyed look. “What? Hey, it’s not like either of you really talk to me about this sort of stuff. Imagine being me, a guy who has all these listeners, but being the only one doing the talking.” 

     With that, Berry gives itself a few thoughtful taps at its chin, looking around in search of something. Then, the creature zooms away from Lukas, Dewey’s eyes growing wide and his tail thrashing with playful intent as the allay comes close to where he’s sitting on the desk, but ignores him. Instead, Berry begins searching around through Lukas’ belongings, sticking itself inside his satchel. Lukas makes it to the table just in time to see the little sprite struggle to pull a hefty book from his bag. He doesn’t hesitate to help the poor thing, pulling the book out just to find–

     “My dictionary? What do you want that for?” The last time anyone else has used his dictionary was when Admin used his powers to pull it from the confines of his bag during their first official meeting. The way he made the words on the pages glow, his first attempt at communication that Lukas is thankful he didn’t repeat. Lukas enjoys seeing Admin practice his writing abilities rather than using his powers to talk to him. 

     Lukas pulls up a seat next to his friends, watching curiously as Berry flips through page… after page… after page. The little allay settles down on its belly. Looks like it's taking its time searching for something… “You can read?” No response, of course. Lukas is constantly in a state of awe, somehow discovering more and more about his new friends even after all this time spent with them. Allay's are beings of pure magic, why should he be shocked it can read?

     While Berry looks through his dictionary, Lukas himself gets to work studying the flower the Admin gave him. He places the specimen gently beside his journal, staring closely at the way the petals still glow with life, even without the presence of roots or water to keep it alive. He recalls the leaf he plucked one of the very first visits he came into the forest, and how Admin seemed pretty upset with the value of life lost once Lukas pulled the leaf from its bush.

      He was so weary of me back then… Lukas thinks to himself as he writes. The Admin’s distance comes to mind once again, making the author sigh and lay his quill down. He grabs the tiny flower again, holding it up to get a close look. Its petals glitter in its own gentle illumination. It reminds Lukas of the blue aura that emits from the bark of the trees, or the mushrooms deeper in the Admin’s forest.

     For now, he takes his attention to one of his books on the world’s flora. Just as he thought, there is absolutely no documentation on this flower, making Lukas wonder as he closes the book again. Am I the first to ever hold something like this? 

     The flower’s gentle glow reflects in Lukas’ teal eyes as he stares at the beauty and aetherly elegance the flower brings. He can't help but blush thinking about the fact that the Admin himself gave him a flower. That's... A romantic thing to do... Right? Or maybe he's looking way too into it. Either way, the flower makes him feel so warm and, with the reminder that it's from the Admin, he feels a sense of safety and peace derive from its glow. Feeling safe with Admin, and at peace when he's by his side.

      It’s like a little blessing. To be the first person to ever hold this precious gift is a blessing. A blessing from none other than the forest itself. 

     Lukas picks up his quill again. Holding the flower, he turns his attention to the top of the page of this entirely new entry. “The Forest’s Blessing” , he calls it, deciding that’s a suitable enough name for the flower for now. 

     In the calm quiet of the night, the only sounds heard in the library are that of pages flipping, quill tapping, and the occasional sigh as Dewey readjusts his sleeping position. Lukas is just about finished with his new entry when the sound of hurried tapping to his left catches his attention. To his right, black ears perk and green eyes slowly open, both ocelots looking to Berry who taps at a special word in the dictionary. 

     “Capture…?” Lukas says with sudden confusion. “What do you mean by capture, Berry?” The allay lifts itself up off the desk a bit just enough to pat itself. “...You capture?” The little sprite shakes its head. “You… were captured?” Then lots of nodding. “Captured? By who? …Oh! You know what?” Lukas pulls out a new sheet of paper. “This might be easier for you. I’ll do what I did for Admin and write down all the letters in the alphabet, and you spell out what you’re trying to say.” 

     Once that is said and done, the allay approaches the paper, looking over the letters before lowering itself and tapping the letter ‘I’. “Okay…” Lukas writes down ‘I’. Then ‘L’... ‘G’... ‘R’...

     Huh... It can read, but it can't spell things off the top of its head.

     “Uhh… Ilgr?” Lukas eyes the 'word' with confusion. “Ilgr… Ilgr… Wait…” He lights up, looking back at Berry. “Do you mean illager?” The allay nods excitedly, even throwing its little paws up in the air in joyous celebration. “Illagers captured you?” 

     Berry nods its head.

     Spelling out a new word, the next one that is formulated is ‘SAVE’.

     ”Save. Admin… saved you from illagers who captured you?” With that, Berry quickly nods more and more.

     Lukas diverts his gaze away from the allay. So… Admin saved Berry from illagers who had captured it.  That in itself is rather scary, knowing what illagers do to allays once they are captured. They harness their magic for evil, the evoker illagers channeling their dark magic to turn allays into devilish little vex. The thought of Berry being one of those fowl little things... Lukas shudders.

     “How did Admin save you?”

     The next half hour is spent back and forth watching and writing. Eventually, the story Berry paints becomes clearer, and what Lukas gathers is something both heartwarming, and utterly terrifying. 

     Apparently Berry wasn’t the only one stuck in a cage, being held captive along with a couple other rare animals from uncommon biomes like parrots, pandas, and even a few frogs. What illagers would want to do with these animals? He has no idea. Lukas felt a heavy pang of remorse for the poor animals, as well as Berry too. Allays are extremely rare because of the illagers decades worth of damage to the population. 

     Lukas is so fixated on all of Berry’s choices of letters, as well as the silly little gestures the intelligent little sprite is able to perform to supply further description. Wagon… Caged… Traversing through the deep forest… Only to be stopped by an unseen force. The illagers teleported out in the blink of an eye, only leaving the wagon and its imprisoned victims. Berry isn’t the best at spelling out what it’s trying to say, but it seems to at least know the words it's looking for. 

     ‘Mobs’ and ‘released’ being two more words Lukas had to work towards because of the allay’s lack of ability to put words together unless its right in front of it. 

     “So… From what I’ve gathered here,” Lukas holds the sheet up and gestures towards it while eyeing Berry closely. “You were captured by illagers. The illagers took a wrong turn and traveled through the Admin’s forest. Admin found them, booted them out, and released you and the others.” Berry does an excited flutter, twisting up in the air and raising its arms with an elated chirp. 

     “That was really kind of him,” Lukas says softly. His fondness for the Admin only grows knowing this information; that he’s put more effort into saving not just the forest and what lies within, but even the innocent outsiders that venture in. 

      Kind of like me… Lukas smiles at that, recalling with a blush of embarrassment just how ridiculous it must have been to come across such a hopeless and lost human stuck in a hole of all things.

     The allay nods with another happy chirr. 

     “So you decided to stick around with him after that, huh?” Lukas lays his elbows down on the table now, relaxing with a sigh as he rests his head in his hands and watches his little allay friend take out the same old cat toy it so adorably stole from him before. The mouse rattles as Berry shakes it with another joyous nod. The little sprite is very happy, clearly. Dewey’s eyes widen and he sits his head up at the sound of the mouse, watching it intently as it rattles in the allay’s tiny paws. 

     “Deweyyy…” Lukas warns before the ocelot gets any bright ideas. Dewey fixes him with a glare, flattening his ears and lowering his head. Lukas knows better than anyone that his ocelot is only pouting. “Ohh… Don’t be like that now. You two can share the mouse. Afterall, Berry’s never had a toy to play with.” 

     As Lukas talks, Berry comes closer to the cat. Dewey fixes the allay with a glare, thwapping his tail irritably against the hardwood of the table. To his and Lukas’ shock combined, Berry settles right down against the ocelot’s fuzzy white belly. Dewey stares wide eyed as Berry gets cozy against his pudge of soft fur, and Lukas cannot stop the “awhhh” of adoration that makes Dewey flick his eyes back at his owner, glaring daggers. 

     “Oh stop it with all the mean looks, Dew. Come on, don’t you think the little guy is cute too?” Lukas gives his ocelot a reassuring pet, petting from the little forehead tuft, down the long black stripe on his back, then stopping right where the allay lays against Dewey’s fluff. Lukas smiles, giving the little critter a pet too. “You guys make a pretty adorable pair.” 

     Dewey isn’t quite sure about that. Berry closes its eyes in a happy expression, meanwhile Dewey just sighs and lays his head back down in a futile attempt to ignore all the unwanted attention from the two. Although… Dewey is reluctant to acknowledge the little blue bird's persistent closeness, what with the way it loves to follow or chase Dewey in the forest, or even settle down beside him while he’s attempting to enjoy a relaxing sunbath alone. 

     Lukas’ attention eventually averts back to his journal. The author writing about his new findings, no doubt about it. Dewey emits a heavy sigh again, glancing back at the allay holding his mouse toy close as it too settles in for a nap. The ocelot's long tail moves, wrapping around the little sprite like a blanket. Dewey moves his head closer and adjusts to embrace the allay tighter. 

     As much as Lukas loves Berry’s company, he knows that prolonged time spent here in BeaconTown puts more than just the two of them at risk. The moon hangs high up in the sky, nearing the midnight hours when Lukas rouses the two from their nap and tells Berry it's time to go. 

     “I’ll walk with you back to the forest, but we have to be quick, okay? Not only are there monsters out in the field by now, but there’s bound to be hunters hiding behind any corner. We’ll have to watch our backs.” 

     Lukas keeps Berry held close to his chest as the three escape through the broken wall in town. It was strange… As he was passing through, he noticed there to be a new crafting table nearby, as well as a chest that Lukas didn’t feel inclined to open. Not his stuff, not his business. But there were some new blocks that looked to be patching up the wall now. That is a bit worrisome. The last thing he wants to deal with is those bad-mannered guards at BeaconTown’s front gate whenever he goes in and out every day.

     The field isn’t exactly a cake walk either. Lukas stays weary of a zombie that groans and trudges through the grass to his right a chunk or so away. To his left is not one… but two enderman. Jeez, now that would cause some serious trouble if he were to ever find himself battling it out with two of those with nothing but a bow and arrow. Not only is he inexperienced with fighting actual monsters, but from his knowledge of enderman, it’s practically impossible to hit them with ranged weapons. 

     Suddenly, Berry begins squirming in his arms. Lukas startles, looking down at the struggling spirit, instinctively letting the little creature go. The allay floats down, disappearing into the tall grass before zooming forward, closing the distance between itself and the forest much faster than Lukas could while walking, so he speeds up. He follows the blue light that illuminates the grass until it bursts from the green stalks and flutters directly into the safety of the overshadowed treeline. 

     Lukas and Dewey stop at the entrance. “Do you know the rest of the way?” He asks, a bit worried to let the little guy go in all by itself. The allay nods, reassuring Lukas. “Well… Alright. But you go straight to Admin, okay? He must have noticed your absence by now.” Another nod, and Berry takes off. Lukas watches it go, its blue light floating up and down, evading the foliage, fading… then disappearing completely. 

     Lukas breathes a heavy sigh, relaxing now that he knows Berry will be okay. The tension eases from his body, inviting more than enough room for exhaustion to finally weigh in. “Come on, Dew. Let’s head back to the room for the night.” 

     Elsewhere…

     “Did you see that?” 

     “See what?”

     "That!"

     "What?"

     “The blue thingy!” 

     “Oh for the love of– give me the damn spyglass.”

     In the far, far distance, high above the sleeping town, standing atop the handle of the sword-like tower, two hunters are posted at their stations. Maya swipes the spyglass from Gill, giving him a scowl before turning her attention back to the far distant field. Taking a peek into the spyglass, she gets a view of the ‘blue thingy’ Gill spotted… as well as a familiar blond nuisance and his hostile wild cat. 

     “No freakin’ way. It’s that Lukas guy…” 

     “Really?”

     “No, Gill, I’m lying to you.” 

     “Oh! …Really?”

     “No dumbass, why would I say it's Lukas and not mean it? You got a brain, use it!” Gill doesn’t say anything in response, instead clasps his mouth shut and keeps silent as he watches Maya return to the spyglass. “He’s following that blue light… But… It’s way too small to tell what it is.”

     “Blue light? You think it could be that same thing we’ve seen in the Admin’s stolen woods?”

     “Sure looks like it. We better report this to Petra, ASAP.” 

     “Oh man. Guess Aiden wasn’t losing it after all. He’s going to have a party telling Petra he was right all along.”

     “Right on. Let's go!”

[arcstral]

When all is said and done, Kris doesn’t linger long; quick to duck out of sight as shadows do—with an ulterior motive this time to boot. For all that not a single physical trace of one’s experiences follows them out of the arena, whether they be scars from minor and fatal wounds alike or residue from, say, an entire bog’s worth of noxious sludge, still he feels compelled to scrub himself down until the memories no longer grate as harshly. Until it is less jarring to see the lack of visible change to his appearance between entering the illusion and leaving it. Subjected to drowning, getting skewered, and needing to be rescued by an ally on not one but two different occasions, he’s not at all proud of this particular performance.

(Is he ever, though? His sole saving grace is that no one who matters had been watching. ...He hopes.)

Some time later, it's with azure hair still damp and a change of clothes thrown on—favoring his old tunic and trousers rather than the student uniform—that he approaches the staircase to the second floor dormitories. Ascending the steps and slipping down the hall towards a certain door while all is still relatively quiet in the day's aftermath, knuckles raised as if to knock but pausing before they can commit proper.

...The worst that can happen is no one being on the other side. One, two, three raps against the wood in quick succession; a beat passing before he calls out next. “It's me, sire. Can I... come in?”

As a commander the need for patience is undisputed; an overeager or self-serving tactic cannot hope to outwit the enemy, to turn the tide of battle, or even to weather the storm of reconstruction that follows in the footsteps of every difficult war. In Marth, fifth king of Altea and first king of the Archanea Alliance, so then must the quality of patience be ingrained and stamped.

Even if he is hard pressed to remember its necessity now.

A sigh leaves him. He cannot find comfort in a silence without the unsung shadow to arrange himself in it. The return of a knight to a king is as much a return to normalcy; to stability, to security, and to all the quiet, gentle things that span between the two of them in particular. With distance judged always too long whenever they should be set apart. In that way, he waits restlessly in his chambers, pristine on the outside looking in - to those none the wiser and at a distance - yet revealing his own mind by the anxious tap of his foot against the floorboards. The quill in his hand that scrawls heavily across the page without the regular lightness of a feather.

Once more, albeit not for the second or third or fourth time, another sigh pushes from him. It is a training exercise that reserves his royal guard, he reminds himself, only and just a simulation - the matter of too-real swords and too-real tomes. Not real deaths. His brows lower on the disturbance of his own worried making. And yet even so, even in consideration of all those things. . .is a battle still not a battle?

Then there it is; a series of knocks which rouses him to his feet, a movement between rising and jumping nearly able to be called flight:

"Yes, of course–one moment!"

In his scramble to answer, to meet Kris and to return one knight to the rightful place he should be - at Marth's side - the king is markedly disheveled upon opening the door. Tousled hair, eyes bright, collar askew; all deemed dim to the radiant smile of relief and welcome he wears. "Kris. Please come in and sit wherever you like. You've returned from the arena I take it? It would please me to hear of your stories if any. As you were occupied by that training, I too was—"

The chatter stops abruptly, on his sheepish look directed toward the cluttered state of his possessions and chambers. ". . .occupied."

[steddiebang]

Made of Light

Author: @hitlikehammers l Artist: @Becomingfoxes Posting on Tuesday, October 3

Soulmates are anything but de rigueur in polite society—more like foolish nonsense, fairytale child’s play: embarrassments. Inconvenient, at best. But the people who have them, and still seek them out; who believe despite the odds, who still commit to finding them and binding their souls to them despite the naysaying and the backlash? Those people know the truth. Because Soulmates? Don’t force love. Aren’t bound without choice. Are built on pure potential, of proportions never fathomed—and certainly never found—outside those so-called ‘old fashioned’ Bonds. They are the potential to protect love. To save love. To save the lives that kind of ineffable love holds more than just dear; holds as essential. Some people even say they can almost change the whole world, defy the laws of physics and nature, but then—even among the believers: those stories are relegated to legend, at best. And so: this is the story of two boys from Indiana who—dodging dangers and demons and near-death experiences—wound up in a love never seen before, somehow writing out the kind of legend no one ever dared to dream.

Keep reading for a sneak preview!

“Stevie.”

And Steve hums, and turns his face to kiss Eddie’s palm, to ground him because he knows Eddie’s distress, just like he knows Eddie’s bone-shaking affection, the warp and weft of his genuinely soul-deep devotion, made and chosen and given all on his own. 

However long he’s already known it to be as much, he’s committed to it skin-to-bone and deeper, now. Which is why he…he can’t stop from saying what comes next. Whatever good it probably won’t, can’t, even fucking do:

“Don’t be a hero down there,” Eddie whispers, because that’s part of the fear; that his choice will be right, is so fucking right but his making or his giving will be lacking, his reaching or his saving will be useless and he’ll lose the man he loves; he’ll lose and he won’t be able to survive it.

Because for all the shit he’s survived thus far? That’ll be the thing that does him in. 

“Don’t be a hero, today,” Eddie breathes and it’s shaky. Fuck, his pulse is shaky, heart trembling in its cage. 

“You mean, like for real, or,” and Eddie knows how Steve’s going to spin this, because he knows Steve, because his brow is quirked and Eddie’s not sure Steve will ever get over the thing that’s about to leave his mouth but Steve’s voice is gentle, soft and honey-warm and his touch is the way you know the world is real, so it’s more an actual question, more a roundabout reminder to self-reflect on Eddie’s own ask when Steve finishes: 

“Or is it more like how you interpreted that exact same set of instructions?”

Eddie whines, because he can’t help it. The scars aren’t aching this morning, they never have as much as anyone had expected, had healed quicker and cleaner than any measure would have guessed but Eddie’d never questioned the one stroke of luck he might have gotten that wasn’t a family of misfits and a love he’d never dreamed of—so maybe it’s just not a day for the scar tissue to start pulling weird and anxious, angry. 

Or maybe it’s just because the fear in him’s too big for…literally anything else. 

“Steve…” he leans in, and Steve’s hands try to keep holding him but Eddie’s burrowing into Steve’s neck, and Steve shifts to hold him close just there as Eddie whimpers, pleads, doesn’t shy from either as it all rips through deep from his chest:

“I can’t lose you,” Eddie whispers but it’s firm, it’s unshakable, because it’s simple like the cells that contract all on their own inside the fibers of his heart are simple, but miraculous, and almost inexplicable except without them there’d be nothing. “I cannot fucking lose you, I can’t—“

“I know,” and the thing is, when Eddie meets Steve’s eyes, he’s certain Steve does. Know. He’s absolutely fucking certain that Steve knows, not just how true and vital and deep it is.  “I know.”

He knows—Eddie hears the unspoken underpinning clear as day—because he feels the same way, and the trembling-terrified wretch-of-a-pump in Eddie’s chest still fucking soars to hear it. To feel it. 

To know. 

“Don’t leave me,” Eddie adds, begs, just in case. Like a backup. Insurance for this absolute necessity he has just to have. 

“Never,” Steve promises when there’s no way to promise, except he doesn’t hesitate. And his eyes don’t even hold the slightest hint of a doubt. Impossible. 

But true. 

Read more on October 3!

[sometimeslapine]

It's not about quantity, it's about quality. Even if they arent the same scale, I'm sure I'm not alone in saying they would be appreciated.

And I'll be honest, engaging in a dialog about kink that is just ping ponging ideas back and forth sounds fun. Sometimes you don't need one massive work to lay out like a blanket to cover all the reasons and facets and quirks you like about a certain kink. Sometimes you don't even need a patch work quilt that you build upon. Sometimes you've earned the Worlds Worst Bonus from your job at the Cotton Ball Factory and you're just throwing little ball after ball at the topic, not caring where they land or if you've hit the same aspects again and again, and then you look back and see you've done a pretty good job covering the topic anyway.

Even if you aren't writing a novel, with your art you do a great job of making kink... I hesitate to say Feel Real but you make it Make Sense in a Real Way. Like of course if you lived in a world with Boob Growth Lotion, you can't just rub it in with your hands or else you'll get Boob Hands and that's Fun because Of Course that would happen. And I just kinda wanna see what you can cook up if you didn't have to find a way to visualize and show and make it look good.

bit of a delayed response to this one while turning over possible replies in my head... struggling to explain a few more conceptual blocks. writing's always been a weird subject matter for me, in one way or another. pls bear with me

so like. comparatively, inflation kink fics span back a good two decades, at least. there's an established pool of tropes, visual metaphors, ideal pacing or story beats to hit, tones or themes that set the mood, key phrases that really get at the brain, and points of finality that overall mesh really well for a good story. not to say there's no originalities to be had in this space anymore, but there's a lotta prior work to draw from, were i to need assistance filling a void in a sentence or two.

but the thing is, with the more nonsensical stuff like That Comic Thing You're Referring To, there isn't a lot of pre-existing stuff i can reference! i often find that i completely lack the language framework needed to put those weirder scenarios into words. i'm just making it up as i go, after all! and so drawing it out in some loose manner becomes infinitely easier than trying to capture all the nuances of it in a paragraph or two, because i get to lean a bit heavily on the storytelling mechanic of "Show, Don't Tell" as support.

though these scenarios being physically sketched-out-on-paper may end up leaving them a bit more concise than intended in their delivery, i'd like to think the concept i'm exploring's still getting conveyed effectively (even if i can't put the scenario to art in the way I'm /fully/ hoping to, whether due to the limits of my artistic skill, or just other general constraints of anatomy & form in a physical space) because ironically, despite a "concise" delivery, a drawing still remains open-ended enough to have its blanks filled in by the viewer's own preferences/themes/biases in enjoyment (in the same weird way the sketch of a piece can sometimes look more visually interesting & carry more emotion than that piece's finished lineart would) with the open-ended nature guiding one's thoughts to what potential fun lies outside the final panel. as you experience art, art experiences you, etc. etc. etc.

as for making it feel "real", honestly sometimes it's less about realism and more about exploring the fun and wild "consequences of over-indulgency" (said with as much love and appreciation as possible, just so we're clear!!); it's acknowledging the dangers of going wild with a Topical That Changes You without hesitation, it's of not thinking it through before leaping directly into in the path of that TF raygun beam, it's of playing with dangerous and ancient magicks because the spellbook had funny drawings that poked at the kinky parts of your psyche, it's of getting too lost in the sauce to have an escape plan.

consequences, for lack of any better word, can help ground fantasies into something more tangible! makes it feel more Real, despite very much being weird fantasy nonsense at its heart

anyway. run-on-sentences and streams of consciousness aside, i appreciate that my weird brand of nonsense is enjoyed all the same

[hector-vasquez]

hector vasquez- istj - the logistician

i- introverted 

despite his job involving being around people the vast majority of the time, hector enjoys the aspect of his job that involves not interacting with people. working in an emergency room, he finds that a lot of the time the emotions of family members or friends might interfere with his ability to treat the patient, so he’s not very good at beside manners because he’s more absorbed with the task at hand. engaging with these people is usually limited to giving an update on the person being treated, asking about medical history, or asking for consent to do something and that’s about the extent of the interactions he likes to have.

he does find talking to people draining, it would be much preferable to him if he could just work without ever having to talk, but he knows that’s not possible. with his coworkers it’s a different story because he knows they understand what he has to get done and even then he doesn’t like for those exchanges to be particularly long. his job takes place in a very fast-paced environment, there’s better things to do than sit around and chat.

s- sensing

hector relies a lot on his past experiences to figure out what’s going on in the present. this applies to his life outside of work too, when he’s confused by something going on he draws on what he’s seen before. this isn’t always the most reliable for him because sometimes he only ends up getting confused further, which is frustrating for both him and the other person involved in the situation. predominantly at present, this issue comes up in his dating life, or lack thereof. sometimes hector will be out at a bar, talking to another patron, and completely fail to notice that the person he’s having a conversation with isi very blatantly flirting with him. 

this could be attributed to his lack of interest in dating, it’s just not something that’s ever really interested him. so, when he is in these situations he tends to look at experiences in the past when he’s been talking to another person at a bar, which he interpreted as just a friendly interaction. if the other person gets upset or ends up leaving with little to no acknowledgement of him, he tends to feel frustrated or hurt. what he thought was a conversation going out well turned out to not be and he doesn’t understand why.

t- thinking

hector spends a lot of his time analyzing what he’s experienced and thinking about how he can apply it to things in the future. almost everything he goes through he treats as a sort of learning experience, a guide for himself and how to act. this is especially helpful in his work because he can usually determine what’s going on with a patient fairly quickly, with only a small margin of error. this also allows him to be able to treat them faster, which is his goal most of the time, making sure that no one gets worse or dies on his watch. of course, this goal isn’t always achievable, but he likes to strive for it.

he approaches his life, both inside and outside of his work, in a pretty no-nonsense manner. there are certain things that he doesn’t feel are worth engaging in, like drugs or gambling. he can understand alcohol for the social aspect if nothing else, but other addictive behaviors just seem like a waste of time. 

j- judging

it’s very important to him that he has a set schedule to live his life by, this is the primary way that hector organizes himself. while his work doesn’t always have the most regular schedule, he is able to adapt to it with little frustration. he kind of considers being on-call a part of his routine, just because what he’s doing at any given time has the potential to be put on hold. at first it was difficult for him to get a handle on just because it was outside of his typical ways of thinking, but he’s gotten to a point where he doesn’t mind it.

if you looked at where he keeps his documents or really anywhere in his apartment, you would see that everything has its own place. hector finds that keeping everything in an organized manner provides him with peace of mind in his otherwise hectic life. he also prefers to get things like chores done at the earliest convenience, there’s never dishes in his sink or a buildup of clothes in his laundry.

strengths

detail oriented, present-focused, realistic, observant, practical

weaknesses

judgemental, subjective, stubborn, by the book, tactless

fictional characters with this personality

miguel o’hara (spider-man: across the spider-verse), amity blight (the owl house), ross geller (friends), joel miller (the last of us), officer k/ “joe” (bladerunner: 2049), avatar kyoshi (avatar: the last airbender)

[starswallowingsea]

Book Review: Kaikeyi by Vaishnavi Patel

I ended up giving this book a 3/5 star rating based on just a craft perspective but as soon as I finished reading I ended up looking at reviews by Hindus online and well. Let's discuss below the cut.

So Kaikeyi is a retelling of the Ramayana from the perspective of Queen Kaikeyi. The Ramayana is a very important text in Hinduism and thus, assuming that Patel grew up in a Hindu household, one would expect her to be familiar with it in the same way I, as someone who grew up in a Catholic household, am familiar with the Bible.

Before I get into all of that, I would like to actually talk about the content of the book, since I am the target audience as an outsider to Hinduism looking to learn more about the stories that make up its foundations. I don't know anything about the Ramayana and I found this retelling to be very off, at least from a historical perspective.

One of the biggest issues I have with historical books is that authors really love to put their modern, 21st century views and ideals onto the narrative. It happens on all sides of the political spectrum and as a historian it makes me want to tear my hair out. I know it's unavoidable that our own perspectives shape how we write, but I wish that more people would take a step back and see how their ideas of feminism, in this case anyway, would actually have looked in the time period their book is set in.

Kaikeyi is the third wife of Dasharath and gives birth to his second son, Bharata, whom has been promised upon their wedding to ascend the throne. Kaushalya, Dasharath's first wife, also gave birth to his first son, Rama, of whom the Ramayana is actually focused on. However, while their children are growing up, we get a lot lot lot of the pushing of 21st century ideals in a historical setting. Kaikeyi is very invested in the ideas of women's rights which is fine? I guess? But it is very very hard for me to believe a woman of her standing, quite literally as the Queen of her nation, would be so class conscious and care this much about the average woman in her country without much reason.

Every single time Kaikeyi devolves into a rant about the Patriarchy and Feminism, it feels like this book would have been better suited to a modern retelling of the Ramayana rather than a historical one, though I can imagine it would still come with a lot of the same baggage re: an apparent lack of understanding of anything in the original Epic. The whole thing feels forced and like if Kaikeyi doesn't care about all women then she can't be a feminist character or reclamation or a "girl's girl" as the kids on tiktok are saying these days I think. Honestly I'd rather have a meaningful examination of her biases that are certain to actually be there if she were written to be like a person rather than a perfect ideal of Patel's feminism.

The first 2/3 of the book also felt like everything was just handed to Kaikeyi on a silver platter with very minimal pushback which just made her such an unbearable character to be in the headspace of for that period. I feel a lot of that space could have just been used better to show her stubbornness in the face of adversity that shines towards the end of the novel rather than just. Letting her passively have all of her goals handed to her with very minimal work on her part.

As a reading experience, the last 150 or so pages were probably the best to read as Kaikeyi's actions finally have real, tangible consequences for her but this is also the point where I saw a lot of Hindu readers had such an issue with this retelling of the Ramayana. Rama being portrayed as a misogynistic, war hungry prince and the erasure of Ravana's history of raping and kidnapping women were the two biggest points of contention for Hindu reviewers. I don't see why either of these changes were necessary to adapt this story for a modern, Western audience. By doing this, I believe Patel, intentionally or not, is playing into colonialist narratives about Hinduism rather than fighting them. It's also a disservice to present the Ramayana this way to both Hindu and non-Hindu readers, given that Hindus will be able to spot all the changes and disregard them, and non-Hindus are none the wiser to all the liberties Patel took with her retelling and are bound to spout them as fact if they don't look into the original.

I'd probably skip this book unless you're really into hashtag girlboss feminism retellings of fairy tales and myths, since so many of them miss the point of the original story. I can see the potential here for Patel as an author and am on the fence about trying her book coming out next month as the writing itself wasn't awful, but I'm not sure if I trust her with another myth retelling. At the very least, I suppose I can thank Patel for making me interested in reading the Ramayana at some point in the near future, so this review might have an update eventually.