#its like i have no permanent physicality until i see myself

[odysseys-blood]

anyone else regularly kinda forget how they look until they see themselves in the mirror

[apoloadonisandnarcissus]

The Missing Piece

@rey-jake-therapist and I have been brainstorming and theorizing about what went down at the finale between Sauron and Galadriel.

From my part, I’ll suspend my dislike for the cringeworthy dialogue and the evil theatrics, because, personally, I didn’t like that scene (sorry) and I think it was badly-executed and that’s what causing the trouble here. The show focused more on spectacle than on the emotional weight of that scene, making it look as if Sauron was only manipulating and deceiving her (he wanted the rings and nothing more), and that Galadriel had no inner conflict whatsoever (she stops when she sees Halbrand, but it's for 2 minutes tops). 

Many of you have already mentioned how Sauron forced Galadriel to bind herself to him (by stabbing her with Morgoth’s iron crown) and that his plan was to make her a Ringwraith (like the Nazgûl of the Nine), but she jumped off a cliff (I will always hate this, sorry).

When I first presented my theory that Galadriel would be wounded by Morgoth’s iron crown at the finale and during her fight with Sauron (you can laugh at it, now), I also speculated that she would be left in a state similar to Frodo’s in “Fellowship of the Ring”, when he was injured by a Morgul blade (also forged by Sauron). And this wound will never heal, meaning she’s now bound to the darkness and to Sauron forever (or until she arrives at Valinor at the very end of the story). I have nothing to add here. 

In “Fellowship of the Ring”, when the Witch-king of Angmar stabs Frodo (at the ruins of the Tower of Amon Sûl), the blade dissolved soon afterwards, and a fragment of it remained within Frodo’s wound, working its way towards his heart and threatening to turn him into a ringwraith. He was saved by Elrond at Rivendell, when he was able to remove the shard and heal the wound, but each year on the anniversary of receiving the injury, Frodo became seriously ill, and only his departure to Valinor offered a permanent cure.  

Morgoth’s crown wasn’t missing anything (I believe), but it was created and used by Morgoth himself, meaning it’s power and dark magic is much stronger than in the Morgul-blades Sauron gave to the Nazgûl. Dealing with this will be, probably, Galadriel’s plot in Season 3, and kick-out her “Lady of the Light” arc. Because we all know the "final" result of this wound for Galadriel:

There seems to be a piece missing to complete this puzzle, emotional-wise, and provide this scene with that emotional weight that's lacking. And it always goes back to the “crack theory” of “it was Sauron on that tent scene of 2x07, and not Elrond”.

I’m aware some like this theory, some don’t (mostly because they believe the showrunners would never go there). I’ve already presented enough evidence on why it’s actually Sauron on that scene, so I won’t repeat myself here. If anything, 2x08 provide us with even more clues.

Adar's Death

Adar's death scene in 2x08 appears to parallel a scene we already saw on "Rings of Power". And I'm not talking about the opening scene of 2x01, which is the obvious answer.

In 1x06, when Halbrand/Sauron wants to kill Adar, for the first time, in the middle of the woods, but is stopped from doing so by Galadriel. During this scene, Adar tries to make sense of why this "mortal man" wants to kill him:

"A woman? A child?" Adar asks Halbrand/Sauron.

At this moment, in particular, this interaction was meant to be a clue towards Halbrand’s true identity (“he is Sauron”), because of Adar being the one responsible for destroying his previous physical form in betrayal. Halbrand wants to kill Adar with a spear (Sauron’s weapon of choice). 

However, in 2x07, Adar really does causes pain to the woman (she-elf) that Sauron loves. At the Battle of Eregion, Adar displays Galadriel trapped in a cage, and has one of his Orcs pierce and bled her neck with... a spear. 

And how does Sauron have Adar killed, at the end? In the middle of woods, like he meant to in 1x06. Using his children to cause him pain, and kill him. And Sauron does it in front of Galadriel, the woman he loves and was, previously, hurt by Adar. 

There are more references to 1x06 in 2x08, because when Sauron appears as Halbrand, he repeats to Galadriel his words to her in those same woods he wished to kill Adar.

Hence: this parallel can mean that Sauron, in fact, witnessed Adar flaunting and hurting Galadriel on the battlefield. I actually joked with @rey-jake-therapist about Adar being toasted after he pulled that off, because there was no way Sauron would let him get away with hurting his Queen... and I was right. 

We know, Sauron was at the walls of Eregion at the time, with Celebrimbor and the guards, and they all saw the arrival of the Elven army led by Elrond. And, yet, the show has given us no reaction from Sauron’s part on what was happening to Galadriel, after he spent an entire season obsessing over her. 

Glûg's death

Glûg’s death has "well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions" vibes for having betrayed Adar and sided with Sauron, instead.

At first, I thought this plot of having Sauron just talk to the Orcs and gain their loyalty so easily was kind of stupid. But when discussing it with @rey-jake-therapist, we got more insight.

Tolkien never specifically wrote about the Orcs lifespans: we know they aren’t immortal like the moriondor (Adar and the other Elves corrupted by Morgoth) and they reproduce like every other “humanoid” being. Meaning, Glûg has never met Sauron before, and has only heard the tales. He was already suspicious that Adar was sacrificing the Orcs for nothing, with other Orcs believing he was chasing a ghost. Well, when Glûg meets Sauron for the first time, he’s shocked to discover that he’s not terrible or cruel like he was told, but rather “nice” and soft-spoken (even asking his name). And, so, Glûg has the confirmation that Adar was, in fact, wrong and killing off his children for nothing... (well, he came to regret that at the end). 

However, Glûg is the one who places a blade at Galadriel’s neck during the “Adar and Elrond tent scene” in 2x07, and we see Elrond’s reaction to it. And so, if Adar was to give the order, it would have been Glûg who would kill Galadriel in that scene.

More: when “Elrond” taunts Adar about sacrificing the Orcs’ lives, the camera lingers on Glûg’s reaction... and guess who’s the first to side with Sauron in the next episode, and strike the first blow against Adar? 

In 2x08, Sauron kills Glûg after Galadriel throws herself off a cliff and he believes her dead.

Many assume this was done in a rage fit, but this isn’t Sauron’s character. And he already lost control with Celebrimbor in this episode and that’s why, according to Charlie Vickers, he cries in that scene: Sauron recalls his time at Morgoth’s side and doesn’t want to end up destructive and nihilist like his master was.

So I would argue the “rage fit” explanation is not it. Could it be, that Sauron - who is always gaslighting others and in self-denial trying to find justifications for his own actions and project them onto others (as Celebrimbor told him in 2x07) - kills Glûg because this Orc was the last being he saw threatening Galadriel’s life? And projects his own guilt onto him? And how could he know that, unless he was the “Elrond” in the room? Because Sauron is powerful, but he isn’t able to see everything just yet. 

Where do we go from here? 

With this insane among of clues and evidence, and how everything falls into place, there is no way the person in that tent with Adar is Elrond. Because if it is, there are plot holes the size of black holes in the story. If it's in fact Sauron everything fall into place and makes sense. And it would also explain the lack of "emotional weight" on their scene at the finale.

Season 3: there is the possibility the show might hold on to this reveal for next season. Since in 2x08, we see Sauron brutally killing both Celebrimbor and Adar, and later stabbing Galadriel, revealing this plot twist to the audience could be a little “WTF” and even lose its meaning. And it wouldn’t match the vibe they were going for with Sauron’s character in 2x08, especially since Sauron and Celebrimbor was the core of Season 2;

Ambiguous or "abandoned plot": this is my concern.

[hearts4werka]

NNN day 5 | Whispers Of Madness

summary: ever since one unfortunate day, you havent felt the same mentally. The dark entity that now permanently stabled a special place in your mind, making you go more insane with each passing minute. Whenever you try to reach out for help to the one person you trust, being your best friend matthew he always argues that nothing is actually there and your brain is messing with you but you know more than youve lead onto. Are you going to finally shatter and possibly lead to murder, or maybe finally banish the evil living inside of you?

warnings: ANGST, demon possession, dark entity, murders, mental health issues, satanic language, dark topics, suicide, police involvement, heavy language, blood everywhere, choking, skin bruising, mysterious black goop, viewers advisory is supervised! Proceed continue reading caution!

authors note: somehow we’ve made it to day 5 of consistently posting fics wohoo !! This one took me a portion of my time and this week has been pretty busy for me so I’m surprised I got this far, hope yall enjoy this bc I surely did writing it

no nut november | masterlist | guestlist

Ever since that unfortunate night, I have never felt the same mentally nor physically. A constant demonic voice mocking my every move and slowly driving me towards insanity, flashes of a dark entity remain stuck and impossible to get out of my mind, making me want gouge my eyes out to escape through death. Sometimes i dont even recognize myself in the mirror, just noticing each and every one of the changes in my physical apperance as well as my behavior and I think if others noticed them too or do am I the old me to them? or have I never actually changed and my mind can somehow create physical forms of different versions of me on its own?

- The night of the incident

I slowly stirr awake in the middle of the night due to strange noises my ears keep picking up, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand I glance out the window to see nothing but pitch-black ahead of me. The soft moonlight being the only available source of light pouring into the room, my eyes scan the dark room for a possible source behind the strange noises. Its almost like whispering but not human whispers in particular, almost like a demonic voice... yeah no, demons dont exist so there no such possibility. Just to be sure Im not going completely insane I do a double check but now looking harder into the dark to try and justify the source of the noise is nothing harmless.

Thats until I see something dark looming in the corner of my room.

It appears to be a shadow but with a dark and demonic energy radiating off it, my eyes scan the whole silhouette and get stuck on a pair of brigh red eyes staring down at me becomes imprinted in my mind permanently which sends a cold chill down my whole body, making me rise in awareness and fear, my body immediately waking and becoming completely stiff, my abilty to move vanishing from my grasp of control. The dark shadow figure starts to step closer to me and my instincts kick in, subconsciously backing away from the proximity of the red-eyed creature as it stands at the foot of it. "W-who are you?" I shakingly breath out, my mind becoming consumed with fear and theories that this could possibly be the end of my life.

The red-eyed figure doesnt make a sound or a single move, my breathing now labored and heavy as it continues to stare down at my shaking form. Feeling completely vulnarble and defendless, it’s like theres no escape and I've been trapped, even cornered in the dark depths of my mind. "Agite... Tenebrae... Abyssi..." I hear a faint demonic whisper, identical to the ones I've heard before and realize where its coming from. Suddenly I get a shock down my whole body, almost as if a feeling of being possesed or something possibly entering my soul and attaching itself to it.

I convince my overthinking mind its nothing and Im just imagining things now, this is not real. Demons dont exist and they surely can't possess you, right? it cant be real, its not. Shaking my head to throw away any possible negative thoughts left behind and lay my head back down on my pillow, attempting to sleep of the demonic energy I still feel coursing through my veins. My mind manages to slowly drift off to sleep, my eye lids falling heavy as I slip into unconsciousness but the demonic whispers still remaining surrounding the shell of my ears.

- A month after the incident - Present day

A sudden snap of Matt’s fingers in front of my face kicks me out of the negative energy in my mind, him giving me an unamused expression and sighing. “You seriously weren’t paying attention again?” He annoyingly huffs, his lips becoming a thin line as his arms cross over his chest. “I’m sorry, I was just-“ while I am in the middle of my sentence and want to explain myself, the demonic whispers cut me off and start whispering in my ear until I look around and see him. The red-eyes creature. No matter how hard I want to take my eyes away from him, they just refuse to move alongside with my body. Just becoming frozen all of a sudden, “What? Are you good?” He stammered visibly shadowed with concern, his eyes darting around the room to find the spot my eyes are stuck on but is met with a simple empty room.

“What are you staring at?” He pondered, still in desperate search to find something I could possibly be staring at with such horror contouring my features. My breath starts to become more deep and shaky, the same feeling I felt coursing through my veins every time it appears, it’s almost like it’s making its appearance known before hand. Matt finally snaps me back to reality, jerking one of my shoulders to give him a response to his worried questions, when I look at Matt’s face and back where it was standing. It’s gone. It’s not there anymore. “Where did it go?” I mumbled with a trembling bottom lip, becoming tense and more aware of my surroundings. “What do you mean by ‘where did it go’ ? You’re fucking freaking me out Eli.” He inquired, still anxiously looking around before moving closer to me. Immediately noticing me tense up for some reason he doesn’t have the knowledge of and I just wouldn’t speak about it.

“It’s fucking not there anymore! It’s gone, again!” I clutch Matt’s arm into my chest, seeking any comfort and safeness I could get a grasp on. The whispers start again, this time approaching me closer until I feel a faint icy breath breathe down my neck which makes me flinch. “ǨḐlēʃ-tū yǫur crēāṭōr, ǝLizaʊƃth…” my hands immediately go to cover my ears, the satanic words echoing in my head and bouncing off every wall, almost delivering me a headache. Under my breath I keep begging it to stop, to release me from the hellish cage it’s trapped me in against my will just to torment and demolish all that’s left of my soul that it hasn’t destroyed yet. My mental health wasnt the best before and it just got worse after, I reached out for help to everyone I could but they either called me schizophrenic or ‘completely gone off the rockers’ by professionals, refusing to help me and ignore the actual issue.

“Is it this again? Seriously Eli, you have to stop scaring me like that!” He argues, becoming slightly annoyed. No matter how much I tell him about this mister lurking in the shadows, he just says ‘you need to get some professional help or go to a psychiatrist’ but when I tell him the stories regarding the ‘getting professional help’ that they ignore me and don’t believe demons actually have a possibility of existing. “You didn’t believe in this demon shit and always denied it, why do you suddenly act like you got possessed by a damn demon or something?” In that moment it hits me, the realization and theory of being actually possessed by a demon hits my head and if we’re an object I would possibly get a concussion.

“I’m not! It’s just that… oh, forget it. It’s gone now so it doesn’t matter.” I state, taking a deep breath to wash away all of the emotions I’ve been feeling at once in a single moment. It’s shocking how much my body can take and has taken ever since it appeared in my life, or does it? Maybe my mind likes to think and make it seem like I’m doing good but in reality I’m loosing my mind completely? When is it going to end? How do I make it end? Questions rise in my head as I start to overthink and get my anxiety to an impossible level. “Eli, what the fuck has been happening with you? You seem completely psychotic like those possessed girls in horror movies.”

“I-I don’t know what I am at this point, please just go home and stay safe. I’ve scared you enough already I don’t want to give you a heart attack” I breathe out, gesturing for him to go away as I my ears perk up with the demonic soft whispers coming back, the dark figure standing right in front of me. I immediately cover my ears as the whispers get louder and louder, suddenly I feel a pair of cold hands wrap around my neck and pure force starting to pull me upwards into the air. I become short on breath as Matt freaks out and quickly runs over to my body in the air, now being face to face with the black figure. My arms immediately attempt to remove the arms off my neck for more air but it only tightens its grip, Matt pulls at my feet but it’s not much affective. The red gloomy eyes staring into my soul and twisting my insides with the dark energy possessing my body.

The world around me becomes silent and I can’t hear whats happening around me. “Ǩo ǃàdêr ȯf Ḑoom, ʔou Ƀhall kjømbāť ʔo ʃiln Ǫne ȯf ḏhe ʔeḥples ȯf Ꮑȯvær lǟv or ʔe ťæpt ǝn ḟi ʃhyād ǷārtǤ, ȯy ʗhǯice ElizǞbeth. ȶime Ƀ is spiraling ȯut…” the sentence constantly keeps being repeated until my ears start to bleed but I don’t feel blood coming out of my ears, some kind of cold black goop starts to escape through my ears as I finally get released. Falling back onto the ground with a loud thud and coughing hysterically, the pain and bruises spreading across my body as well as deep purple marks saturate my neck. I feel this sudden urge, something driving me up to my breaking point, willing to do anything to escape this hell.

Matthew quickly runs over to me, examining my body and the bruises left as horror and concern fill his features. “A-are you okay? Are you bleeding anywhere?- oh fuck!” He stammered, noticing the mysterious black goop coming out of my ears. His eyes were so focused on my body he didn’t notice it at first, seeking as if he couldn’t handle all of this happening at once and neither was I but he was scared out of his mind when I was left with no emotions in my face. My mind backtracks to the demonic words spoken to me and somehow I feel I know what to do, I don’t feel like myself anymore. It’s like I’m some kind of puppet in a show being controlled on how I’m supposed to act, I pick myself up and walk towards the kitchen while ignoring the concerned questions falling from Matt’s mouth.

I can’t believe I’m actually doing this but I can’t live like this anymore, he follows behind me and into the kitchen. My body starts to almost move on its own as if someone else had full control over it, reaching into the drawer where all of my knifes are kept and pick up the sharpest blade I own. Rising it into the air and turning to face Matthew, his anxiety immediately spikes to ungodly levels as he puts his now trembling hands. “What are you doing with that? Elizabeth, put it down!” Desperate demands leave his mouth in attempt to make me out down the possible weapon in my possession but I don’t listen, as much as I don’t want to do it, I might be my only way of escaping.

I charge at Matthew and stab him in the chest multiple times as hysteric cries leave my mouth while he screams bloody. His blood squirts all over my clothes and stain them, he falls to the ground and quickly I jump on top of him to weight him down and deliver a stab to immobile his arms, more blood covers our clothes, faces and the floor all together as I continue to cry out apologizes and explanations. “I’m sorry… I have to do this, I’m so sorry, Matt I’m sorry but I have to…” I cry out as blood and tears run my cheeks, to end the miserable pain he is experiencing I swing high into the air, gripping the handle of the bloody knife with both of my hands before apologizing for the last time and plunge the knife through his head which kills him in an instant.

My hands finally detach from the knife and immediately go up to my face, wiping off the blood and pouring tears from my face. Loud sobs fall from my mouth at what I have done, I just killed my best friend. Out of pure cold blood I killed my best friend, I-I’m a monster, a psychopath and everything fucked up. I am the demon… the demonic figure whispers another sentence in the weird language it has been using ever since trying to communicate to me but now it sounds more evil, like curses stuck to my name by the black shadow and following me around anywhere I go. “Ǫne lǻst stȅp ǵhǵn ɓe dǿne, ȵaM Ƀǿ̃e ȅt Ƀe ǵhǵe ȶǿ Ƿȯrld ȩfree, hāv ǵʍоḏ tɼȯ ḏon sǿlf ɴǿw. Ḕdǿn ḥesīṭȅte, ȅLīzǝbeth.”

The same feeling of knowledge runs down my spine, realizing what I’ll have to do next in order to be set free. My hands go back and take the knife out of Matthew’s dead body and line the sharp tip with where my heart lies, I close my eyes shut and with one swing I plunge the cold bloody knife into my heart. My body falling down next to Matthew’s already dead one, hearing the faint sirens of police in the distance as I slip into unconsciousness but by the time they make it to the kitchen, my body disappeared and only with the bloody knife left on the ground. It was evident two people have been killed in the process regarding the blood bath that was created but no matter how long or how hard they searched for my body, it was just gone. Almost as if a dark entity dragged it down with them to the deepest pits of hell…

Guestlist!

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[anonymous-starling]

I don’t even know what’s real anymore, I don’t want to fight forever

TW!!

I’ve got no memories. No proof. Nothing outside of me and my system who doesn’t talk me and my screwed up body. This is the only evidence, and this evidence has been tainted.

Sometimes I’m really afraid that I was just born messed up and twisted… in preschool, when I was 4, I specifically remember just wanting to fawn and submit to people. Other children. In games. But it was deeper than that to me. I would’ve been willing to let people drag my limp body and do whatever the heck they wanted to it. What kind of 4 year old is like that? Willing to be abused and treated like an object?

And still today.. Gosh I hate talking about this, because who would believe me? Ever since my chronic pain down there (pain that feels like a ghost is molesting me 24/7 and I spend my whole life in bed now screaming from every tiny little trigger) began to increase so did this.. other thing. This gut feeling. This silent understanding without even having to address it… this “understanding” (with nothing to back it up) that somebody, a long time ago, intentionally created my pain through a very specific and methodical pattern of grooming and molest, and made it so that my tiny little body would result in needing him to SA me to relieve the pain. Like some twisted reverse psychology thing but it’s physical. And he made it so that something would trigger the pain to turn on, and the only way for it to be turned off is for me to allow him to SA me again. Note: I have NO memory of anything like this every happening. My childhood is a blended blur. I have had the most stupid vivid nightmares of it, and even some of our persecutors reenact it in them.. and in every nightmare, the perpetrator— whoever it is— follows that same specific method to create this mind-control/programmed-like response. It’s horrific.

In these nightmares, all he has to do now is say a word or a phrase or wave his hand a certain way and bam. I dissociate. Or bam. I’m uncontrollably needing him. Or bam. I collapse— still conscious but unable to move or see or hear clearly. And the things he does in these dreams to first create the pain… to make me need him. To activate it so that it’ll go off someday and make me need to go back to him so he can relieve it. ITS STUPID AND HORRIBLE AND RIDICULOUS AND I HATE MYSELF.

And something in me swears that’s what my pain is today— it’s been eating my life away since it started. I had to leave school, dance, I can’t work, I can’t even hang out with my family anymore, I stay in bed screaming at the top of my lungs. And I have to physically FIGHT myself not to put myself in vulnerable positions where I could potentially be abducted and trafficked, cause it’s like my body knows that’s where I’m supposed to be. I’m supposed to be there. And until I give in, the pain will only worsen. It feels like withdraw. It feels like this mysterious person in this event I have no memory of created this addiction in my tiny little body that needs the abuse, and without it, I got through permanent withdraw, and I need the SA to happen again to survive.

but it’s not real.

I hate it and I hate myself and I have no memory of the SA or anything so I don’t know if anything ever happened at all— what if I was just born totally f‘ed up???? I can’t do this anymore— I’ve been fighting against this pain for years and it’s getting worse, and it won’t stop till I give in and submit to it.

I feel like a machine that was programmed to return to a s*xually abusive situation or system against my will, but because I’m programmed to do it, I do it willingly, and if I fight against it, I malfunction completely and it’ll be the end of me- I have to give in. I feel like a moth that can’t help but fly into fire because it’s like it’s brain is being mind-controlled by the fire and even if it doesn’t want to burn, it will, because it can’t control it. She’s unwillingly willingly going in.

I’m a stupid DOG with a shock collar fastened around its neck, and someone out there is zapping it, saying come home, but I can’t give in. UGH I HAVE TO.

I can’t fight forever. I’m scared. What if I was just born messed up? WHat if the SA isn’t real and no one did this to me??? Any time I try to accept that or someone suggests that, I get so dizzy physically ill— I overheat and shake and almost vomit.

Im sorry. I’m sorry for all of this.

and this man… there’s a man who I don’t even have the memory of the times he came to stay with me and my father. He’s surely innocent. He’s no one. Yet I feel this overwhelming horrible force that needs me to message him. I haven’t had any interaction with him in over ten years. We were maybe 6. I have to physically fight myself from contacting him.. just to say hi.. I need to do it. I can’t fight it anymore. I’m gonna do it. What’s the harm? He’s absolutely innocent. Otherwise there’s be signs. I convinced myself of all of this. I’m not a survivor.

[autisticlancemcclain]

fic rec friday 24

welcome to the twenty-third fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.  

1. i won’t fight you by angelbolt

Lance… Lance noticed. It was little things, it was Hunk and Pidge trying to take the bulk of group projects they were paired up in, it was the hand that stayed up in the air after he was called on, anticipating his wrong answer. Iverson constantly comparing him to Keith, even after he was kicked out because Iverson told him Shiro was dead and he punched him in the face, giving him his permanent swollen eye (Which he fucking deserved, thank you, Keith).

✦

Lance deals with some shit.

hurt/comfort fics always have been and always will be the head and shoulders of this fandom, and there is a REASON for that. quiet pain that is soothed with quiet affection....shit makes you lose your mind. there’s one line in this fic that always makes me pause for a moment to fully take it in: “You’re everything. You’re the moon and stars.” not the sun, not the sky, but the moon and stars...bc thats lance!! lance is the satellite!! he sees himself as lesser and second-best but he is instrumental! he always has been!! and keith has always known!!

2. color of boom by angelbolt

Lance’s breath hitches and smooths out, arm tightening. Keith touches his knuckles, turns his head so their noses bump. He considers counting all the freckles spread across Lance’s face until he woke up, then remembers he’s already done it. Somewhere around fifty. It's also a hell of a reach.

He takes a breath to brace himself and carefully brings his hand up to cup Lance’s jaw, sweeping his thumb over his cheek bone. It doesn’t take long for him to give a small snort, eyelashes fluttering. Blink.

His gaze is unfocused but he grins softly, “Good morning, birthday boy.”

Keith can’t help mirroring it despite himself because it feels so good to hear, “Hey.”

✦

it's keith's birthday and everything is happy and good

this fic is soft and sweet. it inspired my own birthday fic for keith just because i read it and i thought to myself yeah. this is what keith deserves. i adore fics where the team just has the space and time to love and celebrate each other!! like hell yes!!

3. What It Is Lonely People Seek by MonocerusRex

After weeks of suffering Keith discovers his Galra side has a physiological need for touch after Lance gives him a hug that rocks his world. Hoping to hide this embarrassing condition from the rest of the team Keith enlists Lance's help fulfilling this need, and lots and lots and lots of cuddles ensue.

literally 9k of the touch-starved be-close-to-survive trope. exquisite. i miss galra keith fics and this scratched an itch fr. medium burn fully of smushy softness!! yes please!!

4. Sweet Touch (you’re given me too much to feel) by MonocerusRex

Keith wrecks his shoulder and needs physical therapy. Unfortunately for him, the best masseuse in this galaxy happens to be a certain loud-mouthed blue paladin.

the massage trope is so stupid and awkward and embarrassing its literally my favourite. but truly my favourite part of the fic is imagining how the rest of the team is handling these two fools lol.  the straight up idea of the teams reaction to this is KILLING me. like klance has so much sexual tension that it makes sense for them to start dating fast, but imagine thinking these two assholes hated each other, and then in a couple days you’re like oh, okay, they’re friends now, that’s new, and a couple days later they’re CUDDLING on the FUCKING COUCH? i’d lose my shit fr 💀

5. when size matters by @jilliancares [EXPLICIT]

“Okay, but like… how big?” Pidge says, looking analytical now. “Like, guestimating, how big is this thing?”

“This is his hand,” Lance says, curling one fist on the table. He looks between his friends expectantly. They both nod. “And this is where it ends,” Lance says, raising his other hand an approximate length off the table.

Hunk’s mouth drops open. Pidge’s eyes bulge out of her head.

“Keith?” Hunk whisper-screams. “Our Keith?”

“That would kill a person,” Pidge mumbles.

Or: Keith has a monster cock and Lance is Ready™ for the fucking of his life.

size queen lance is the funniest thing in the world to me, and also its objectively true. dorky college au + banter + plus situationship klance thats actually in love + garrison trio?? how does jillian nail the teen movie klance every time. i do not know but i will always be grateful

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!  

[girl4music]

NICOLE: “Waverly! Waverly!”

*groaning in pain*

DARK ANGEL WAVERLY: “Go home, Nicole Haught. This is none of your concern.”

NICOLE: “None of my concern? You're gonna be my wife.”

DARK ANGEL WAVERLY: “The gate must close, once and for all. And I must be the one to do it.”

NICOLE: “I got left behind before, and I'm not doing that again. Where you go, I go, remember?”

DARK ANGEL WAVERLY: “The Garden is not for your kind. Human.”

NICOLE: “No.”

DARK ANGEL WAVERLY: “I am the Guardian. I am the fail-safe. I must protect the Ghost River Triangle.”

NICOLE: “What about Wynonna?”

DARK ANGEL WAVERLY: “The Champion. The only one who can wield the sword. But she has served enough.”

NICOLE: “Okay, okay, let’s figure this out. I am the Sheriff of Purgatory. Let me extend my watch over all the Ghost River Triangle, in every realm. Let me be the Guardian for all of us, supernatural and human.”

DARK ANGEL WAVERLY: “You’d sacrifice your life to become the Shield?”

NICOLE: “Every day until the end of eternity if it meant keeping you safe.”

DARK ANGEL WAVERLY: “Well, I have already broken the rules once… for John Henry Holliday.”

NICOLE: “Yeah, see? It feels kind of good now and then, right? So what’s one more? Look in the book. Your story is my story.”

DARK ANGEL WAVERLY: “The book was ill begotten. It belongs to the Garden, as do I.”

NICOLE: “Please, just look.

*Dark Angel Waverly looks in the book and gasps*

Am I in there? Are we?”

DARK ANGEL WAVERLY: “It would be a steep price to pay. You’d be bound to the Ghost River Triangle. You could never leave.”

NICOLE: “Everything I love is already here.

*Nicole gets zapped*

I swear to be bound to the Ghost River Triangle for all of my days. I swear to be patient and just, for there is no other way. I swear my life to protecting the Ghost River Triangle. I am the Angel’s Shield.”

*Nicole gets zapped away and falls hard to the ground. Dark Angel Waverly transforms into Waverly and throws the book into the gate to the Garden*

WAVERLY: “NICOLE!

*rushes to her*

Nicole! Baby. Nicole. Come on, Nicole, please. Hey.

*Waverly kisses her. Nicole awakens to kiss her back. Suddenly feels a searing pain in the back of her neck*

What’s wrong?

*checks her neck and sees the mark of the Angel’s Shield branded on her skin like an unhealed tattoo*

Oh, sweetheart. You sacrificed yourself for me.”

NICOLE: “Don’t oversell it, baby. I only committed to a permanent staycation with my girl.”

*they kiss*

I am literally bawling my eyes out right now. That was so beautiful and powerful and just exceptional writing. I don’t even know what to say to express myself but I know one thing’s for sure… This is the greatest WLW relationship that I have seen since Xena and Gabrielle. The declarations of love were just as strong and substantial. The chemistry was off the fucking charts. The emotional connection was really significant. And because Xena and Gabrielle weren’t allowed to be physically intimate - I dare to say that this would be what I would see between them if they were. Because I have never seen any other two actresses depict such a strong, realistic and raw dynamic between them since. But I guess I can’t truly say that anymore because DomKat are really something special.

This was a really beautiful moment between them. I’d take emotional intimacy any day over sexual intimacy. But it’s certainly an achievement that they have both because Xena and Gabrielle didn’t and couldn’t have it even though you could feel the passion between them. Therefore knew that it was right for them to be lovers.

And I never ever want to see Dark Angel Waverly again. She was fucking terrifying as a celestial being. And it wasn’t like Dark Willow. It wasn’t born out of grief or loss or death (thank god) but it was disturbing. This… thing… had absolutely no empathy in her/it. All she/it cared about was her/its responsibility to Guard. But yeah, fuck destiny if the humanity is destroyed. For the greater good or for the greater evil. Fuck off. Dark Willow might have been a villain but least you could still tell that it was Willow under that costume. Someone that could be reached because there was still humanity in her. Still somebody that felt emotion. With Dark Angel Waverly it was like Waverly’s entire personality had been wiped over. All we love about her. It actually took Nicole sacrificing herself to bring her back. To make her get off those stairs and care again.

I suppose that is the price you pay for being an angel and an angel’s lover. Where Waverly goes, Nicole goes.

I am so glad that I decided to take a chance on this show. I have found WLW representation worth my time and attention. And now my undying support.

Consider me part of the WayHaught shipper fandom from this point onwards and WayHaught an additional OTP along with Xabrielle, Tillow and Calliette. And if you know anymore supernatural genre shows with significant WLW representation in them where they last for the whole or a majority of the show - tell me. I don’t mind if it’s not maintext. Subtext is more my thing anyway. But if it’s subtext - no queerbaiting! Don’t recommend non-canon ships like the overrated SuperCorp or SwanQueen. I am really not interested!

Until then, I will consume as much WayHaught and DomKat official media or fan creations as possible.

Please excuse me. I now have a wedding to watch.

[justices-blade]

ooc; TOA Anniversary Munday!

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is.

Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing!

Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together.

tagging: you :)

Name: leo

Pronouns: he/him

Birthday (no year): :)

Where are you from? What is your time zone?: yes. cest (gmt+2)

Roleplay experience: 12 years total, 10 years on and off on tumblr

Got any pets? i had a bunch of fish at various times in my life but the last hag of a molly murdered all her tankmates it was a whole thing

Favorite time of year: autumn

Some interests and things you like: dnd, drawing, gaming, a bit of cosplay. i like frogs :) and rock.

Some funfacts & trivia about you: - i once kneed myself in the eye on accident - ive made 47+ ocs just for ffxiv - funny character voices are my passion - i either go completely silent or get really loud while gaming. i also make actually physically wounded noises when my character gets hit

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play? ffxiv, apex legends, flight rising, honkai star rail, enstars, soulsborne, splatoon. its a list of all time for sure

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: ghost/bug, spiritomb/armarouge

How did you get into Fire Emblem? was really into smash bros for a while and got interested in fire emblem. my friend had a copy of awakening and i watched her play, and when i asked my dad to get me path of radiance when he was in the us he got radiant dawn instead

What Fire Emblem games have you played? the gba ones, tellius, the 3ds ones and engage

First Fire Emblem game: radiant dawn

Favorite Fire Emblem game: also radiant dawn

Any Fire Emblem crushes? i dont do crushes but pandreo? ephraim also makes me feel profoundly unwell. also call me brendan reed because limstella,

If you’ve played the following games, who was your first S support? - Awakening: stahl - Fates: niles - Three Houses: idk tbh - Engage: pandreo

Favorite Fire Emblem class: thief, mage

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class? thief (high skl/spd/res/mag, dogshit con def and hp, normal str)

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation? golden deer

If you were an Engage character, which Emblem would you Engage with? micaiah or byleth

How did you find TOA? saw it here and there while scrolling fe tags on tumblr... was scrolling the tellius one and saw an active leonardo??? and i was missing tumblr rp at the time and i was like okay sure why the hell not (i would write edward regardless though)

Current TOA muses: edward, chad, denning

Who was your first TOA muse? If you don’t have them anymore, could you see yourself picking them up again? edward has taken up permanent residence in my brain since i was 14 he is NOT leaving

Have you had any other TOA muses? im at three and im staying with these three until further notice ✌️

Do you think you have a type of character you gravitate towards? little guys and pensive freaks. theres closer descriptions of my archetypes but this is good enough

What do you believe you enjoy writing the most? hmhmhm. i like themes of belonging and not-belonging i think? places and people with which you feel at home, places you feel adrift and lost and that disconnect where it falls apart. i also really like unreliable narration, horror and that unsettling slightly delusional tonal dissonance when i have occasion to whip it out to maximum effect :)

Favorite TOA-related memory: keras kai elephas was so damn fun to me i need to stress this. first lore event really hit and solidified that i definitely want to stay!!

Got any delusions that didn’t see the light of day in TOA that you’d like to share? wil boey kliff and jean. are At My Door. theyre not getting in anytime soon but Hey.

[likes-words-and-shrimp]

Chapters: 7/7 Fandom: Tales of Symphonia Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Colette Brunel/Lloyd Irving Characters: Lloyd Irving, Colette Brunel, Genis Sage, Raine Sage, Zelos Wilder, Sheena Fujibayashi, Regal Bryant, Presea Combatir, Kratos Aurion, Yuan Ka-Fai, Dirk (Tales of Symphonia), Frank Brunel Additional Tags: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Post-Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Wingfic, Eventual Romance, Mutual Pining, Self-Acceptance, Happy Ending, POV Multiple, Body Horror, Transformation Words: 36,180 Summary:

Lloyd had never been too fond of his wings. But they were still useful, and convenient when they needed to be. It only made sense to use what he had. Until his wings changed one night, and became permanent, with real feathers attached to bone. And they were heavy.

Looking back on 2023, I think one fic I'm really proud of writing is this one, a multichapter Symphonia fic I was able to complete, with a focus on Lloyd and his wings taking on a different transformation. It's seven chapters of Lloyd and Colette dealing with the painful and difficult changes, but also the rest of the party helping them on this new shift in their journey. If you decide to read it, I hope you enjoy!

Just have some more additional thoughts for this fic under the cut:

Since this year for Colloyd Week was going to be its 5th year running, and it was also Symphonia's 20th anniversary, me and @frayed-symphony wanted to do something a bit more special with the prompts this time. We decided to bring back some prompts from previous weeks while still using a new quote day and the usual free day. (Here's the prompt list with her art which everyone should see) With that in mind, I also wanted to do something a bit different for myself writing-wise, and tell a story over the course of each of the prompts!

The tidbit about mana wings eventually becoming more feathered versions is actually a bit of lore taken from the Kratos novel. Essentially, if an angel uses it for too long, the wings will become a permanent part of the body, the mana solidifying into feathers. That's why we see a lot of angels in Welgaia floating about with feathered wings, and explains why Kratos, Yuan and Mithos don't keep theirs out consistently. And the reason for the title, it's from the Lloyd's Thoughts on Angels skit because I thought it would be fun to make all those angelic issues relevant for this fic.

I really wanted to use this bit of canon lore for Lloyd, and whether it's an effect of his unique Exsphere, or anything else, his wings succumb to the same transformation. But, well, it's more than just the wings changing here.

I also wanted to play more with Lloyd's self-consciousness here and the guilt he probably still carries with him when he failed to notice Colette suffering in time. Lloyd is also the unifying force for the party where he helps inspire and lift them up from each member's own troubles, but I also wanted to see this reversed while Lloyd is going through his own baggage and past traumas. It was also more interesting to write about Lloyd going through physical changes the way Colette did in the game and have that comfort role-reversed.

A lot of this fic was a learning process! The wings in Symphonia are just a favorite aesthetic for me, and learning about how they can change was really intriguing, so much of this fic centered around the Wings prompt. I was also planning on having everyone play a part with the Soulmates prompt, which I felt was fitting for Symphonia's anniversary year. Much of the later half of the story came as it went, like with the focus on Dirk, and the very last chapter that's a few years in the future, where Lloyd has a better handle on who he is now.

Change itself is also something I just wanted to focus on overall; how we change as people, or how our loved ones change over time. And sometimes change is frightening, but it can also be exciting and learning to accept and welcome it can also feel rewarding in the end. I think I wanted to show that in this fic, though how well I succeeded kinda depends on the reading, and maybe I was heavy-handed with the wings metaphor haha.

But also, I just wanted to write a longer cute ship fic of my OTP. That's another reason. :D

Compared to most chaptered fics, this isn't very long, but I like that it's contained enough at just over 36k. I still have other Symphonia WIPs I want to finish, but I'm really proud of completing this one, and a big thank you to those who've read and commented on this fic! Symphonia has always been special to me and I'm glad I could celebrate both the game and my favorite ship this way.

Around the new year, I'll probably make a Symphonic fic recs list for stories I've read this year. If you read this far, hope you'll look forward to it!

[arcticdementor]

TLDR: I wouldn’t recommend it, except for it’s maybe being amongst the most important films of the Century, and 100% necessary pre-watching if you plan to visit India. NSFW, NSFL, Warnings for everything humanly possible, refused rating, beyond NC-17, contender for scariest/most disturbing film ever made, IRL Infohazard, IRL Lovecraftian Horror, IRL Spiritual danger, might be a crime to view/own/recommend in Europe, probably read the review first.

…

It is said by the wise anons of 4Chan and Twitter that one can never be truly Fascist until they watch the first season of the anime series K-On. 

…

Only by immersing oneself in Japanese sentimentality can one see an approximation of what Victorian and Edwardian sentimentality was, and why Fascists were willing to fight so hard against the sudden imposition of Weimar’s Proto-21st-century culture and conditions.

…

In that case then, the “Nature Doc” India: The Worst Country on Earth, also known simply by the Anti-Indian Racial slur Pajeets (Akin to Cunts, Kikes, or Niggers), is a film much more unique than simply being the first AI Feature Film and the first proof of concept that an Amatuer with AI can now compete with Hollywood… or atleast with the BBC and Michael Moore. Made by the mysterious creator known only as “Thames”, It is the immediate opposite and ideological complement of K-On.  If the light of K-On’s innocence does not permanently kill your egalitarian universalist values and sense of human brotherhood, convincing you that some people and ways of life are uniquely worth fighting for, then, for the purposes of analogy, Pajeets’ pitch black horror would almost certainly convince you there are certainly some uniquely worth fighting against.

…

It is a testament to the writer’s extraordinarily refined sense of racist 4Chan humor that the film remains as watchable as it, indeed the raw quantity of racist humour and ironic references required to stomach any of these realities is almost certainly why so much of this is vaguely felt but almost entirely unknown and certainly unexpressed in the West.  Even then, by the time we reach the title card, precisely at minute 3, I wouldn’t be shocked if a great number of viewers had already turned off the film in sheer physical revulsion. Many who make it that far report turning it off by minute 16.  I’ve watched it in its entirety multiple times now. And still I find myself intuitively bracing for cuts and edits… not specific cuts and edits, but in general. Any shot that lasts too long creates a brief window of comfortable familiarity, and resultant nervous anticipation… knowing that safety will end any second. However those who bear through to reach the title and hear the inspired musical choice of Open Your Eyes by Guano Ape soon see the sight of men touching live high-voltage wires, dead bodies floating in the Ganges, dozens of deaths of stupidity, multiple rapes, scatalogical and hygenic horrors straining comprehenision, and even worse things I cannot bring myself to describe.

…

And, oh yes, it is all real. Artificial intelligence has only been used to digitally draw David Attenborough from his aged retirement, and add a few humorous cartoon-ish stills. Thames has assembled presumably hours of viral videos, internet memes, 4chan gross-out clips, liveleak clips, documentary footage, TikTok videos, and news stories to make this film. I recognize many of the clips, stories, and “cultural curiosities” having seen them make the rounds on Twitter and 4Chan to memery and disgust.

…

Thames has just assembled it all into a feature film length package so violently racist it is doubtful the likes of Goebels, Bull Connor, or the racist terrorist factions of Revisionist Ultra-Zionism such as Rabbi Yitzhak Shapira or Moche Orbach, have ever produced its approximation. The humor and conceit of the BBC nature documentary format, as well as his technical and literary mastery of the 2000s-2010s environmentalist polemic, merely serve as the artistic structure for perhaps the most uninterruptedly hateful film ever produced.

…

And this is why I think the film is artistically significant. Setting aside Thames’ Attenboroughian auditory appeal to abhorrence and animosity, as a connoisseur of horror films and shock productions I can't really think of anything so unbroken in its aesthetic hatefulness, its visual vitriol and verisimilitude of valueless violence. The pestilence of it! I’ve never seen such gross gangrenous gutter gore portrayed so unflinchingly and unbrokenly.

…

However aside from the depressing damage to the environment, epidemiology, world cuisine, animal welfare, and the gag reflexes of the poor viewer… the most disturbing part of the documentary is the Sexual violence: against woman, child, man, and beast.  I have never seen a documentary with so much real footage of real rape and sexual assault. I’ve seen footage of sexual assaults, one cannot peruse Twitter or 4Chan without the seeing the newest outrages, likewise the presentation of real criminal sexual assaults in documentaries is not unheard of, but on top of everything else you see in the documentary, if the cruel and unhygienic horrors imposed on animals and wallowed in by men did not tempt you to shut off the film, the sexual horrors certainly might.

…

Why make this the first film reviewed on Anarchonomicon if we don’t count Macbeth 2015 and Blackberry (neither of which anyone read). Am I just scoring points in my unending quest to become the great curator of Forbidden Knowledge, to gain clout amongst extremiscists and connoisseur of the callous?  Maybe… but I think there’s something more here. The Shocking is necessarily the surprising, and the disturbing is necessarily the confusing.

…

Meanwhile surgeons and anatomists do not find gore disgusting, they might find violence or jump scares difficult… but they’re used to bodies coming apart. Seeing it happen vividly on film doesn’t violate their intuitive subconscious expectations and models of the world the way it does for most people. Likewise veterans of major wars (notably several of Napoleon’s Marshals) have been noted to seemingly ignore gunshots or grievous wounds even to themselves the second they find they’re non-fatal. They’ve seen it countless times before and it’s merely a nuisance for it to have afflicted them as opposed to others. Likewise farmers, butchers, paramedics, and horror fans are often shockingly calm in comparable medical emergencies even when it’s themselves. So if even gunshot wounds and maimed limbs can be ignorable discomforts to those already familiar with their like, in the immediate second and even first person… How is it so much visceral shock, horror, and lasting disturbance can be attained through a screen… depicting archival and documentary footage!

…

This isn’t some great violation of all expectations and norms. When Samara crawls out of the TV Screen at the end of The Ring after an hour and half of built up tension and filmic and narrative tricks to get your mind feeling threatened and expecting a violation of all laws of physics, whilst employing every editing and pacing technique to subtly trick your mind into fleetingly thinking that she’s crawled out of your TV and she’s coming for you! That provokes a lesser reaction in most people.

…

Whereas India: TWCoE has people shutting off the video before the Title and opening song at minute 3. For archival and cellphone footage! Nothing fictional, no jump scares, no ghosts coming out of the TV itself, no tricks or spooky artificial atmosphere. The only filmic conceit: an AI voice changer meant to make the subject matter funnier, more tolerable, more intellectually distant. “It’s disgusting” Do you react to footage of farm animals in manure covered barns this way? What about photos of roadkill or decaying animals carcasses? I see both all the time on long bicycles rides through the country. I showed this to a family member who immediately wanted to turn it off… she regularly watches horror movies of the most disgusting violence, the film Ready or Not which she considered a fun horror/comedy, had a scene in which a woman shot in the hand falls into a “gore pit” of animal carcasses, and must crawl over the decaying flesh using her mangled bleeding hand to escape (it is a genuinely fun/funny movie). Yet she could endure that laughing and wincing, but not this.

…

This has been the state of a country of 1.4 billion, comprising 1 in 6 human beings on earth, for the entirety of your life. Why is this shocking? Why is this surprising?  What overwhelmingly massive truth has been purposefully concealed from you, such that this experience is maybe amongst the most violently unpleasant and soulshaking experiences a western can endure without leaving their living room?

…

But whereas most countries and societies are improving… India is one of the few countries in which such metrics are getting worse. Indian height and penis sizes are shrinking, both proxies for nutrition as well as exposure to pollution and parasites. Indian civilization is quite literally “degenerate”, they are physically deteriorating before our very eyes. And while I cannot bring myself to describe the hygenic horrors, one need not watch much of the documentary to more than sufficiently understand why.

…

Egalitarian minded Westerners, even after accepting that IQ stats measure meaningful differences within national and ethnic groups, or who accept many of the tests and proxies for intelligence, protest that if the average IQ was so low as the international scores suggest, then low IQ societies would not be able to function at all, that they’d go about in a violent, horrifying, screaming, shit-covered madness…  Such Egalitarian minded westerners react less than happily when you point out that they in fact do so go about.

…

The dark truth is that morality, cleanliness, and almost all ordinary exercises of will and judgement necessary for any human functionality, are all IQ tests. Very simple and easy IQ tests… but ones which billions of people are incapable of. Indeed according to many classical western definitions of “person” the bottom 1-2 billion are not “people”. If you define “man” as the moral or rational animal then these are not men. Many dissident linguists have noted many sub-Saharan languages do not have any functional way to express abstractions and indeed the concept of promises or other moral commitments are alien to the tribes who speak them, or only are expressed through elaborate metaphors taught to them by white missionaries.

…

But Whilst Africa has countless slums equally as horrifying, as of yet the population density is such that the Africans are not universally forced into the urban and sprawling horrors we see in india. Whilst they pollute at comparable rates, one may still see large areas that are tribal, post-tribal, and suitably primitive such that the median African settlement is not sickly and decaying as what is witnessed in India, primevally wild Africans still go in states of relatively noble health, analogous to the beautiful wildlife of Africa, they are not yet past the population density event horizon of becoming the sort of decaying hive societies beset by cults of Nurgle, which we witness in India. Median Height, intelligence and Penis size is not yet shrinking. Indeed the much maligned African Warlord, acting as apex predator, serves to keep various regions and populations thinned to a less than truly horrifying state of health. In India, and as Egyptian and other commentators have noted, in an expanding suite of countries, we see the true nightmare scenario of the modern state just barely existing in an anarcho-tyrannical form able to sustain and regulate the human organism well past the point of degeneration, and able to prevent the wars and violence so desperately needed to restore the slow march of IQ and other markers of genetic and physical fitness.

…

The violent discomfort and horror felt by the Western egalitarian at India: The Worst Country on Earth which is not felt upon viewing Pigs wallowing in manure or seeing roadkill or animals dead in equally bizarre, miserable or stupid manners, The reason we recoil at the sexual horrors of India but feel relatively little for the incest sexual assault and worse that occurs in the animal kingdom… is because the Western Egalitarian is trained to identify with the brown foreigner, in many instances even beyond their identification with their own ethnicity or race. In their religious and now post-religious ecstasies, purity spirals, and consciousness raising, in their more than decade of moral instruction under the priesthood of the public school teachers, and the legacy priesthood of the lamb of God; in their daily prayers and religious contemplations of diverse television, film, and media, the modern westerners are taught the belief in the universal moral merit, intelligence, worthiness, and nobility of man irrespective of race, religion, sexuality, and creed… it is not simply A moral good, but THE moral good. The Axiom upon which all civilization, moral worthiness, and hope of salvation rests. At the moment of death their passing or failing the final judgement of God or “History” depends on how sincerely they earnestly believed, in spite of the constant knawing of evidence, in this universal equality and brotherhood. India: The Worst Country on Earth inflicts violence of a spiritual and metaphysical variety upon the westerner. If only Samara was crawling out of their TV to kill their physical body, they might die cursing a white girl and their salvation would be assured. Instead India: TWCoE attacks their very soul. The Westerner MUST identity with the foreigner. MUST empathize. MUST psychically place themselves in the Indian’s shoes. MUST Imagine themselves one and the same.

…

They MUST empathize, and their gag reflexes must activate and they must feel their skin crawl as if beset by parasites and sexual diseases welcomed in through a million disgusting wallowing practices. They cannot do what Hundreds of millions of high caste indians and upper class third worlders do every day: Stop Empathizing. Stop looking on them as your fellow man, and instead look upon them as revolting stupid bottom feeding animals, akin to diseased racoons or possums…or various mamilians who wallow in their own filth, or seek their missing nutrition in the droppings of more noble creatures such as the bovine. For to stop empathizing, so the western thinks, to stop believing “there is only one race the human race” or “that all men are created equal” would be to abandon all that is good and true and transcendent in this world. Except for the what is obvious to plainly see: it is neither good, nor true, nor transcendent.

…

Of course if one disagrees, and still believes in the universal egalitarian brotherhood… they can just Watch the Movie. 

…

In the end I can guarantee you the most offended by this film or this review will be a white westerner. Intelligent and upper-class people from the third world are very aware of the decayed state of their lower-classes and keenly aware of the Caste, ethnic, class, and genealogical differences that separate them from those horrific masses. Amongst the intelligent aristocratic upper-classes of more decayed countries they develop very specific exclusionist identities to describe their separateness from the masses about them (mostly accurately, some are delusional… but none who read this blog). Ironically the people who suffer the most racial panic upon accepting HBD ideas are intelligent mixed race westerners who, in the egalitarian doublespeak of the west, never have anyone to tell them that they actually are exceptional or actually can achieve great things, or actually should feel empowered and confident… as opposed to all the fake empowerment, fake expectations, and fake encouragement we pour upon the 75 IQ illiterate urban criminal classes.  One need only speak to people in commonwealth countries to see many of the most opposed to mass immigration are earlier waves of Immigrants who had to pass a higher standard and were of that aristocratic upper class, and now don’t want the people they’ve escaped following them to the west.

…

But the most significant impact of the film, which is already showing a surprisingly viral interest, is going to be on Western political discussions around diversity and Immigration. “This is what we’re importing” as the warning goes.  But beyond that the wider politics of disgust, and its relation to conservative, fascist, ethno-exclusionist and other right wing politics is a long established phenomenon. A film this vomitously moving, cannot but become a modern staple of the online right. Like K-On it too immediately sums up the worldview of far-right politics to be ignored I may have been the first to write a review of this film, and I am almost certainly the best. But I will not be the last.

[yuribeam]

hey hello, sorry if this will be rude but wow your last post dude

hrt is NOT "like trying antidepressants" holy shit why are you spreading such an innacurate information

every hormonal medication doing fucked up shit, like don't you hear about all problems that cis women obtain after using oral contraception, for example? all health problems that tgirls get?

hrt is not like hell yeah give a shot and then just stop using it if it won't fit, nothing serious will get you i promise ;)

sorry again but as a trans on hrt MYSELF i'm a little confused by this attitude

my comparison to antidepressants was not in a literal medical sense. I meant HRT should be destigmatized and considered neutrally as a potential tool you can use that may or may not improve your health.

I very clearly say you should be fully informed of the risks.

I am not saying there are no permanent changes, I am saying you will not be immediately and completely transformed overnight like a werewolf and you can stop taking the medication at any point, assuming your hormone-producing bits have not been surgically removed. Obviously some changes can come quickly and it varies person to person. Obviously some changes can stick after you go off it. See again, informed of the risks.

I am on hormonal medication myself. I am aware of its physical and mental effects. I have tried dozens of other medications too. I have been fucked up by various meds in the past, including some long term side effects. I am disabled with complex medical problems, so believe me, I am familiar. However, in every case I weighed the risks and decided with my doctors to try them because I killed the gatekeeper of earning through suffering in my head and gave myself permission to try.

There's a huge transphobic narrative that HRT is unlike any other medication and should not follow that same process of informed consent, and that trans people should wait years and years agonizing lest they mutilate their bodies, and the sentiment of that post was intended to counter the internalization of that which causes many trans people to suffer for years thinking they're not trans enough to try medication, which most people picked up on.

It was not to give medical information on how HRT works, just to say that it is a process you can have some level of control over.

HRT very obviously has risks. I think everyone is well aware of that. Changes can obviously be permanent, but by and large they are gradual changes, not flipping a magical sex change switch.

I am not encouraging people to go try HRT for kicks and giggles without knowing the risks. I'm emphasizing that it's a personal decision that they should be empowered to make just like any other healthcare decision.

It takes years for a puberty to "complete." You know how people complain it's been months or years and they've barely seen any changes or still don't "pass" Going off low dose HRT after a few weeks or months most often doesn't mean you're forever gonna look like a man or a woman now, or that you can never try it again (in the case of informed consent access).

At a certain point, HRT kinda is just give it a shot and see if it fits. Not give it a shot if it passed your mind once or as a first step in exploring your gender, no one is saying that, but if you've been agonizing over whether you're allowed to try it, you should give yourself permission to explore the option. You have to pull the trigger eventually, which is what I'm saying, not to fire blindly. There will always be a degree of uncertainty with any medication until you see how it works for you and your body.

If it's something you want, you are informed of the risks and have accepted that your mileage may vary, and preferably have medical supervision for safety reasons (although I recognize that is a privilege for trans people in many places) you should give yourself permission to try it.

[ninamewrites]

Excerpt from “Memoirs of a Slut”

I had always thought of myself as strong. Not strong as in physically, of course, but mentally. I come from a long line of fierce Italian women, and thought of that as my shield against the world. I came from a childhood of my great grandmothers taking the slippers off their gnarled feet and beating you with them.

The first time I met Mike was in seventh grade. I took to calling him Michael just because I thought it sounded more sophisticated and he hated it. There was nothing attractive or likeable or even good about him. His stomach distended over the waistband of his pants and his face was, even then, permanently marked with acne scars. I was sure, and thought I didn’t know at the time would eventually happen, a girl would find his humor and ways endearing but to me, it was painful. Everything he said and everything he did made me instantly angry. Perhaps that’s why I did it. Because a challenge to me was like a great burning in my chest, one I couldn’t ignore, and the image of what he could be, what I could make him into, settled in my mind and wouldn’t leave. I was the kind of girl who could see through what he was, and make him something different. So I tried.

It started off slow. I introduced him to literature and art, begging him to have some semblance of culture. I shook my head whenever he pulled out his card games and looked away whenever improper grammar spilled from his crooked teeth. I sucked on my teeth watching him eat with his mouth pressed into the food, shoulders hunched above his ears like a wild dog.

On a school field trip, I ignored him and sat in a tree for hours, watching birds flit past the sky and stayed until the cool air brought goosebumps to my skin. He found me, as I knew he would, and I beckoned him closer into the trees. I was something to show him, and I saw the almost predatory glint in his eyes. Leading him through the grass, I suddenly stopped short and let him catch up with me. On the ground beside my shoes lay a dead bird, maggots rolling their way through its flesh. It’s decomposition had made the life around it, the grass and the dirt grow dry, and flies warmed in a cloud around its wings. It’s neck was broken, its beak spread wide, insects curled besides its tongue. Michael looked at me then, and understood that I wasn’t like the other girls. I was fearless and abrasive and unapologetically myself. He saw that, and at the time, he welcomed it.

The first several times he asked me to be his girlfriend, I refused. When I finally did agree, it wasn’t because he had done anything different or because I had changed my mind. I had made my point that I was unpredictable. He took to following me around, joining the art club and moving his way into my favor.

I was better than him. I didn’t love him but loved my station above him, a thing I could hold over him without ever actually speaking the words. I loved his duty to worship me simply because when people looked at us, they wondered why I was with him. To worship me, as a queen and as a person worth worshipping. I would tell him I loved him and that no, I wasn’t embarrassed of him. But I was. Because I was me and he was painfully and unapologetically himself.

[spoonsforminutes]

Medical Ableism

As someone who has extensive personal experience with medical ableism from both physical and mental health professions, I wish more people realized that ableism (and really all -ism ideologies) are a systemic issue reflected in individuals and has no real inherent bearing on morality. What makes medical ableism so vile is the fact that the U.S. is a country in which people refuse to confront the uncomfortable beliefs of the past and present, and the fact that people confuse personal ego and professional knowledge as the same thing. Specifically more so in therapy, it is a therapist’s responsibility to mitigate conversations with their clients in a safe and beneficial way that addresses their concerns, and although seen more in good therapists, medical professionals should feel encouraged to discuss personal examples of trauma without trying to control the client’s own narrative. I don’t know why this is so hard for medical professionals because when someone is trusting their life in your hands, my own opinions always come second place to validated research. Plus I don’t know, my personal trauma failed to develop and secure a personal identity for myself, but I have always spent my time learning about and expanding my own worldview. And it’s super funny going through medical healthcare courses in college as someone with an invisible disability because you really learn that no matter who are--either an old white guy retired from his medical career or a woman in cancer remission trying to teach young med professionals that patients need to have compassion for their illness--you find out pretty quickly that the U.S. healthcare system only sees fatal/terminal illnesses, temporary illness/conditions in which full recovery is expected, or mental health (only addressed by mental health professionals).

Neuroscience and cognitive science truly is such a good major to have when heading into medical school because it’s the best of both worlds in terms of psychology and biology with the added bonus to explore linguistics, computation, and philosophy. I am incredibly privileged to have gotten such an education and to use it to really expand all aspects of my understanding. I specifically perform research on my own disability and gender identity, so I’m already on this battlefield. I am in the trenches, but even more so, I see the people who face the same struggles as me, and I think, “well, im used to pain and trauma; let me step in front and take the first bullet.” I don’t think true social activism is ever a choice; it feels like I walked head-first down that path, and whenever things get in my way, I double-down on everything I know I am and what I believe. This is where my gender identity really helps because both masculinity and femininity where used against me whenever I stood up for myself, so when people misgender me, it fills me with a little bit of glee because I think “good, go ahead and underestimate me.” It’s very clear that even with top surgery, my trauma-strained voice affirms my assigned sex which is incredibly dysphoric, but I’m working on it for me and my personal happiness. Until then, my voice is no excuse. Transphobia literally lives in the spaces of what is deemed acceptable queerness and the assumptions about its visibility. The traditional sex binary model will always spurn transphobia until society realizes that “male” and “female” sex simply don’t exist and are a heuristic that was never meant to be taken literally, but the history of sexism and racism in medical science has perpetuated this idea that inherent differences exist between people that would support bigots and discrimination. 

I don’t think morality is something that anyone can possess permanently because it relies on both words and actions; you do not just get claim you’re a good person and then do whatever the fuck you want. Being a good person means respecting both yourself and others, and ultimately, wanting to see a future where you and the people who influence your life (whether you know it or not) can live free and happy and SAFE.

[bmpmp3]

i guess “wobbly” isn’t totally the right way to describe what’s going on with my art, a better descriptor might be a sort of “double vision” created through an inevitability turned into an intentionality

(sorry im very sick rn and my sick brain accidentally wrote some barely readable essay about my own artistic techniques orz under da cut)

i think a large part of the reason i gravitate towards drawing analogue vs digital nowadays (ignoring the fact that i have spatial issues and i can keep track of proportions much easier on paper than on a screen) is that like, at least in my experience (growing up on deviantart LOL) traditional art, while being less popular online (at least, growing up on deviantart it was), also allowed way more room for visual mistakes and imperfections than digital art did. i think sometimes, at least for me, having an undo button ended up putting a weird perfectionism on me instead of being a useful tool orz

YOU MAY have noticed my double/triple lines in my linework, especially in long, uninterrupted lines, that’s what i mean by inevitability turned intentionality: its a sort of “line correction” like one would do when doing a rough sketch except for some ungodly reason i do it during my very permanent inking stage LOL jk jk its actually several very good reasons: you know how many artists find their rough sketches look better than their final linework? part of that is because your eyes bring in all the competing sketchy lines together as one cohesive sort of “vibe” of a line, making it look exactly how your brain thinks it should look to be “correct”

another reason is that, going back to the spatial issues, the dysgraphia is inevitable and i will always end up strange, jerky lines no matter the sketch stage or the ink stage, no matter how careful i am no matter how careless, its something that’s stuck with me for 24 years and i can usually write my b’s and d’s without a reference nowadays (the z’s are still questionable) but it’s always present - SO i’ve found, especially in the past couple years, embracing it is vital

hold on, here’s some examples of my double lines:

THIS drawing around the legs is a REALLY clear example lol

you can see what happened, the red lines are what i attempted to draw first, my dysgraphia then caught up to me half way through bringing in those big wobbles, and then i added the blue lines as a sort of corrective buffer

this one had a LOT, the orange lines were likely what were drawn first. you can kind of tell that i tend to ink from the face first because as i get to the body i get more tired and the more corrective lines need to be drawn LOL

of course there’s exceptions: i think with this girl I hadn’t done any warmup sketching (just drawing vague circles and swirls and lines or maybe a blobby creature doodle LOL) and my hands were hashtag unsteady hjdskfjds

of course when i said inevitiability turned intentionality, i do mean that part of it is done intentionally: on purpose. that’s part of embracing it: it really does just look good and feel good to draw like this. like here i can’t remember or tell which lines were drawn first, i just know it felt right where i placed all my doublelines

i think that’s why i had to stop doing digital art for a while, it tends to not be super conducive to this style of drawing, or at least i haven’t quite gotten the hang of it (despite doing digital art since i was 10 LOL). i remember like 90% of the stuff i would draw digitally, instead of letting my doublelines through i would just ctrl+z and redraw the line 3000000 times until it was “perfect” orz a fools errand that created way more work for myself and was nawt great for my drawing health (both physically and mentally very exhausting). i hope someday i can work out some techniques im happy with that make digital art feel as easy as analogue art has become for me

my chosen medium for colouring in traditonal art also helps i think, i originally gravitated towards watercolour because it was faster and easier on the hands than pencil crayons (especially as a person with this many ocs with black and brown hair LOL my pencil crayons were STUBS while the other colours were nearly untouched) but it also allows for you to get SLOPPY with it LOL painting outside the lines feels SO good and right and not painful WOULD RECOMMEND. plus, i think you can see it in my drawing of Su up there with her brown hair, because to build up deeper colours in watercolour i find it easiest to do it in layers + i cant mimic the brushstrokes very easily, i end up with these sort of simple gradations around all my drawings which i think has a similar i-liked-the-rough-sketch-best effect that the doublelines have, the weird aura tricks the brain into filling in the blanks

of course my lineart style is not super conducive for digital art colouring, paintbucket filling this shit is a NIGHTMARE jkgdfldsjhfkds that’s another thing i gotta do a lot of experimentation with..............

anyway WHAT im trying to say is sometimes the best thing you can do for your art is let your arms draw the way they want to. (also im tricking your eyes into seeing the best version of my art with my fuzzy colouring and double-lined inking. bmpmp3′s trick hee hee)

[thisdreamplace]

hi dream. I forgot my anon name because it’s been a while lol. over time, I’ve completely let go of manifesting. I don’t believe in it. I hope it’s okay to still ask for advice despite that. I’ve been trying to figure out how to solve my problems on my own now without wishing & hoping, you know? so I wanted some advice. it’s pretty light lol. it’s about my hair. for some reason, my natural hair is really ugly. at least, on me it is. it’s naturally curly but it just doesn’t look right. however, if I get it permanently straightened like I used to, it hurts really bad, I actually gets bruises on my scalp from it…. but at least it would finally look pretty. (also, just in case someone takes it wrong. natural hair is beautiful. just not on me. my hair specifically is NOT it. 😭 I’m only speaking for me. in fact, seeing other natural haired people inspired me to try & keep my hair but I just can’t handle it now). what do you think I should do to solve it? endure the pain once or every two months to get a perm? or keep trying until I figure out how to finally make my natural hair look good? the problem is, my hair will keep looking terrible until I figure it out. it even looks bad in a ponytail. It even crossed my mind to shave my head but my mom said it would be a regretful decision. I don’t know. hair is a big part of appearance so I was trying to glow up but it holds me back.

I’m also struggling with body hair 😒. everything burns. I got a free laser hair removal device, the problem? it hurts. even shaving causes my legs to burn. I’ve avoided shaving because 2 weeks ago, I tried it & my legs burned really bad. I still felt it 2 days later. do you have any recommendations on body hair removal ? it feels like hell on my legs lol but I have to do something because I’ll be wearing shorts for things I do, starting next week. 🥲

I guess I’m on a glow up journey now. it almost feels relieving because my life is kind of in my hands now. I’m trying to give myself a chance without all the bs that used to float through my mind.

I think my name was 😵‍💫 anon or 😵 anon. I hope summer was fun for you. It has been so eventful for me, even today. I’m just learning to take each day at a time. I can only control what I can do now.

hiiiii 😵‍💫 anon!! its always a pleasure to hear from you again~

i say def dont mess around and get any more perms, its totally not worth it as it causes you physical pain. really, its kind of about getting used to the hair u naturally have and learning how to work with it, and finding out what products work best for you help as well. at the end of the day your hair isnt ugly, you just see it that way on yourself. which is a pill you probably wont want to swallow, but its just your perception of it. which is fine, you dont have to like it.

tbh for body hair removal, ive really loved and enjoyed waxes. maybe try the natural sugar wax at home and see how it goes for you!

im glad that youre choosing to do things that feel good to you, thats the most important thing!!

where im living now, winter just passed and im really happy for it. i like winter, but i can only bear it for so long. im really happy its spring now here~

taking each day at a time is all you can do, and its the best thing to do. i know things will look up for you 😵‍💫 anon! choosing to focus on making yourself feel good is always the best way to start

[chris-durand]

Social Media Comm Blog #1

Tumblr Blog #1

Although there has been an extreme rise in how social media affects our everyday lives, I do remember a time before apps like Instagram and Snapchat came into my peripheral. It wasn’t until the early 2010s that I first took notice of social media in its current form. Some could argue that communicating with strangers on Roblox or using AOL chatrooms was the original social media, and they’d be correct. However, the evolution from then up until now has shown a vast growth in its influence on society. Defining social media in basic terms would oversimplify a complicated and diverse way of communicating, but, using a more detailed definition could lead to issues in the future. If social media and online communication change in a way that has not been foreseen, a singular basic definition cannot be tied to something so impermanent. Therefore, social media’s definition can only be defined by its most current status, which is everchanging. I personally define social media as a platform of communication used between civilians, corporate bodies, and most recently artificial intelligence to spread information (and misinformation) on the World Wide Web.

My first introduction to social media was via Instagram in 2012 when the company first went public. Although it was a hot new craze, Instagram had the same novelty feeling as any other useless app on an early-generation iPhone/iPod. As years went on, however, Instagram became a permanent staple in how we communicate and view one another. Then came Snapchat, a video-sharing and messaging app that had a feature where all public posts had a shelf life of twenty-four hours before disappearing. Over the subsequent decade (2013-2023), Snapchat became a cesspool of people who garnered clout and social status by romanticizing their own lives, which is a phenomenon that has plagued people my age for years. From my experience, nothing good ever happens on Snapchat. 

I see myself as being a very socially conscious user of social media, limiting my time on the internet and doing everything in my power to not get bogged down by the microcosm social media algorithms have curated for me. I am constantly deleting and redownloading apps, a struggle I have been fighting since making my first Instagram account back in grade school. While I am able to limit my own use significantly, those who can’t should not be blamed for insane average screen times and constant internet usage. I use social media in passing, whereas others may use it as an escape or alternative to the physical world. Many people born in the late 1990s to early 2000s are children of the internet and have inadvertently been the driving force behind social media’s explosion. It has been curated for us by people and industries who had no foresight as to what their ideas would do to our brains and culture. Now everyone has ADHD, and that’s real. 

I am anti social media. I have no actual use for it other than using it as a form of entertainment when I’m bored (i.e. Instagram Reels, Twitter feed). However, I can recognize that there are many ways to use social media for productive purposes. I would like to understand this new facet of life that I have grown up with and fought against. In many ways, I have been indoctrinated, pandered to, and have had the agency to use the internet freely taken from me without the very obvious presence of an algorithm choosing what I see (and what I don’t see). I would like this class to give me a larger perspective as to what social media can do for me and how it can be used for something other than consumption or political propaganda.

[getris]

Things seem to be heavier lately, even small simple tasks like going for a short walk or getting changed just feel so much more draining and exhausting.

My sleep has gotten so bad that I'm sometimes going 3 full days without a wink of sleep, and my eating is worse, at the moment I cant stomach anything at all and if I do its only small bites or if I cook a full meal I immediately feel full and physically sick and end up throwing it away, in the last months I've dropped a total of around 14kg in weight and it still continues to gradually drop day by day.

I am constantly agitated or angry to the point where I want to scream and punch something until my knuckles turn to mush, I'd never do that to anyone or around anyone, despite being angry and frustrated/agitated id never directly take it out on another person, but I just feel permanently trapped in my own head and its been like this for the last year and it only seems to be getting worse, I could reach out to friends but every time I do, either I cant explain it the way I need to for them to understand how serious it is and I end up feeling misunderstood which makes me feel even worse than before or the friends I have care so little that they just don't really react when I tell them, so either option feels like shit and just makes me feel like an idiot for even being open about it, that's why I'm posting here I guess.

The thing I hate the most is I have been through so much shit in my life that I feel like I have an unlimited amount of shit I can put up with without doing anything stupid, but these last months have left me with a genuinely unsettling feeling that I don't have a lot of time left, sometimes I sit there and fantasize about ending my life, or thinking about all of the different ways I could do it without it being obvious that I did it by choice.

Its the worst at night when there's nothing left in the day to distract myself with, at night it seems like my mind doubles down on all of these different scenarios or thoughts, I try to think about the future but I've reached a point where I seriously do not see a future, I can't imagine getting back into work, meeting someone I like, learning to drive or even getting a place of my own regardless of how cheap and shitty it is, which ends up making me not even want to bother trying with the small things like why should I bother exercising when there wont be a benefit to it, in the end ill just give up on myself completely at some point and burn bridges with everyone I know just to make it easier.