#growing up powerless and people showed me how to love myself

[spoonsforminutes]

Medical Ableism

As someone who has extensive personal experience with medical ableism from both physical and mental health professions, I wish more people realized that ableism (and really all -ism ideologies) are a systemic issue reflected in individuals and has no real inherent bearing on morality. What makes medical ableism so vile is the fact that the U.S. is a country in which people refuse to confront the uncomfortable beliefs of the past and present, and the fact that people confuse personal ego and professional knowledge as the same thing. Specifically more so in therapy, it is a therapist’s responsibility to mitigate conversations with their clients in a safe and beneficial way that addresses their concerns, and although seen more in good therapists, medical professionals should feel encouraged to discuss personal examples of trauma without trying to control the client’s own narrative. I don’t know why this is so hard for medical professionals because when someone is trusting their life in your hands, my own opinions always come second place to validated research. Plus I don’t know, my personal trauma failed to develop and secure a personal identity for myself, but I have always spent my time learning about and expanding my own worldview. And it’s super funny going through medical healthcare courses in college as someone with an invisible disability because you really learn that no matter who are--either an old white guy retired from his medical career or a woman in cancer remission trying to teach young med professionals that patients need to have compassion for their illness--you find out pretty quickly that the U.S. healthcare system only sees fatal/terminal illnesses, temporary illness/conditions in which full recovery is expected, or mental health (only addressed by mental health professionals).

Neuroscience and cognitive science truly is such a good major to have when heading into medical school because it’s the best of both worlds in terms of psychology and biology with the added bonus to explore linguistics, computation, and philosophy. I am incredibly privileged to have gotten such an education and to use it to really expand all aspects of my understanding. I specifically perform research on my own disability and gender identity, so I’m already on this battlefield. I am in the trenches, but even more so, I see the people who face the same struggles as me, and I think, “well, im used to pain and trauma; let me step in front and take the first bullet.” I don’t think true social activism is ever a choice; it feels like I walked head-first down that path, and whenever things get in my way, I double-down on everything I know I am and what I believe. This is where my gender identity really helps because both masculinity and femininity where used against me whenever I stood up for myself, so when people misgender me, it fills me with a little bit of glee because I think “good, go ahead and underestimate me.” It’s very clear that even with top surgery, my trauma-strained voice affirms my assigned sex which is incredibly dysphoric, but I’m working on it for me and my personal happiness. Until then, my voice is no excuse. Transphobia literally lives in the spaces of what is deemed acceptable queerness and the assumptions about its visibility. The traditional sex binary model will always spurn transphobia until society realizes that “male” and “female” sex simply don’t exist and are a heuristic that was never meant to be taken literally, but the history of sexism and racism in medical science has perpetuated this idea that inherent differences exist between people that would support bigots and discrimination. 

I don’t think morality is something that anyone can possess permanently because it relies on both words and actions; you do not just get claim you’re a good person and then do whatever the fuck you want. Being a good person means respecting both yourself and others, and ultimately, wanting to see a future where you and the people who influence your life (whether you know it or not) can live free and happy and SAFE.

[faghubby]

Growing

I came home for Thanksgiving from college I had only been away a few months but I missed home. After the first night with mom and Dad. I met up with some of my friends.

I met up with Josh who was now hanging out with Devan. Josh and I went way back to grade school together. Devan was the star Basketball player I only knew by reputation. But Josh had some edibles and we all got pretty high hanging out in the old baseball field. A few other people showed up and added some drinking to the mix. At one point I was sitting in the dugout when Devan came over and sat next to me. He was really close. Like I could feel his body heat.

"So do anything crazy at school he asked me" I was pretty gone. And mumbled an answer. "Dana is has a great ass" he stated.

"She sure does, I love to get with her" I said. As I did I felt Devan's large hand slide over my crotch.

"What are you doing" I said startled. He pushed his finger to my lips and without a word shoved his hand down my pants. It was dark and no one could see. The drugs, alcohol or just stunned I didn't move as he gave me a handjob. As I came in my pants he just smiled and walked away. Later on the way home with Josh,

"So what's Devan's story?" I asked. I was straight and had never had a man touch me it just seemed so wierd.

"What do you mean?" Josh shot back nervously.

"Nothin, just how you to start hanging out" I asked

"He likes knows all the girls" Josh answered like that was an answer. "Rumor has it because he has a big dick"

"Yeah, that's what they say about all black guys" I said dismissing him.

It was a few days later. I was over at Lisa's house she was having a little party. Just about 10 of us. When I got up to use the bathroom Devan came up behind me pushing me in he quickly closed the door. He was a foot taller then me and much stronger. He pushed me against the wall and kissed me. His tounge forcing it's way into my mouth. His hand cupped my ass. I was powerless. I was shaking so scared. I felt his cock pressing against my leg. God was that all cock. I thought to myself. He unbuckled my pants his tounge still in my mouth. I still had to pee as he stroked my now hard dick. I started to kiss him back as he did. He used his other hand to guide me to his bulge. Curiosity got the best of me and I felt hos cock running my hand over it.

"I knew you like it" he whispered finally breaking the kiss. He again made me cum this time I shot my load on the bathroom floor.

"Ever been with a black guy" he whispered in my ear.

"No I am straight" I responded as he still had me pinned against the wall.

"Are you sure?" He smiled glancing down I realized I was still rubbing his cock thru his pants. I quickly pulled my hand away. Devan let me go and left I had to really pee now. As I came out a moment later. I ran straight into Lisa who was waiting for me.

"Paul" she said surprised. "Devan likes girlie boys" she said softly with a smile.

"What do you mean?" I asked like I had no idea what she was talking about. She handed me a pair of panties they where still warm. She just smiled. And walked away. Did she think I was gay? Was she hitting on me? What the hell should I do? I smelled the panties then stuffed them in my pocket. The party started to break up and I headed home. I was walking it was only two blocks. But as I turned the corner Devan stepped out of the shadows and grabbed me.

"We have some real privacy" he told me as he pulled me into his apartment.

"Devan, I'm not" I started but he started to strip me. I didn't fight him. I was in shock. Then he dropped his pants his cock coming free. He guided his hand down. I grasped his cock it was huge. I looked down placing both my hands on it.

"Show me your place" Devan hissed. I looked up at him. "Lisa gave you something" I nodded then looked down at my jeans.

"Put them on and kiss my cock" he ordered pushing me down. I put on Lisa's panties they were loose. Not having her hips to hold them up.

"You are skinny little thing" Devan laughed. I was kneeling staring at his cock. He smacked my face with the massive muscle. Then pushed it into my mouth. I had no idea what to do. I wasn't even experienced with girls doing this to me. I sucked and licked the tip. It tasty salty. I thought about his precum. And started to lick the sides of his cock avoiding the tip. He just stood there and let me do whatever I wanted. He eventually started to breath heavy. I knew he must be getting close and started to stroke him. He grunted as the first shot from his cock came out like a bullet hitting me in the face. He then stuffed the tip of his cock in my mouth. I gagged as he flooded my mouth with cum. It was awful. Devan picked me up. He held me my feet not touching the ground, I felt like a child.

"Lisa will help you, like she help you're friend Josh" Devan told me. He put me back down let me go rinse my mouth and clean my face before I got dressed. I don't know why but I kept Lisa's panties on wearing them under my jeans as I walked home. I laid in bed wondering why I had let Devan do what he did. I found myself getting aroused again. I shook it off and went to sleep

I woke in the morning to a text from Lisa. CAN YOU COME OVER TODAY

ABOUT 12 I responded. I got up and showered I didn't think about what had happened with Devan. I was more focused on being hopefully hooking up with Lisa.

"Hey sweety" Lisa smiled as she answered the door. I followed her inside. She led me straight to her room.

"So I heard you love big black cock" Lisa laughed.

"Who been saying that crap?" I said angrily.

"Don't sweety, I saw the video" Lisa smiled. "Now Devan would love you to be as femine as you can" Lisa held up a razor.

"Lisa I can explain" I started. She sat on her bed and waited for my explanation. "Devan forced me" I said. Lisa grabbed the remote and a video of me on my knees sucking Devon's cock started to play.

"Okay, I " I said dropping my head.

"Now Devan likes his pretty boys hairless" Lisa smiled. She had me strip. I found it exciting to be naked in front of her. She ignored it. Instead she lathered me in hair removal gel. I wanted to cry as I watched all my body hair simply wash off me and gather in the shower drain. Lisa waited for me to exit the shower. She handed me a fluffy towel. I dried myself off. Lisa handed me a pair of pink panties with little flowers and lace trim.

"They are Kathy's (her 14 year old sister) she watched as I slid them on. They fit not like the ones she had given me last night. Lisa sat me down and styled my hair. And applied makeup. Just as she finished I heard someone else was home. The door opened and in walked Josh.

Josh simple walked over to me and dropped his pants.

"It's okay Paulie, it's good practice" Lisa told me guiding my head to his cock. He was much smaller then Devan but still bigger then me. Lisa rubbed my nipples as I took Josh in my mouth.

"He doesn't even resist" Lisa said. "Not like you did" she commented to Josh. He was also hairless I realized.

"Are you going to fuck her?" Lisa asked.

"No Devan wants her virginity" Josh told her. "Maybe we should dye her hair blonde" the more they talked the more scared and excited I became.

"Lick his balls, men love their balls sucked ever so gently" Lisa told me. I did as she said. As I moved to do so I felt her hands pull my panties down. She rubbed lube against my asshole. And gently pushed her finger in. I cupped Josh's ass. As he came in my mouth. I gagged but tried to swallow his sperm.

Josh helped me up Lisa still had two fingers in my ass.

"Devan tried this shit on me. But I only let him stroke me off. I guess you just love cock. Faggot" He spat in my face.

"Don't you will make her cry" Lisa laughed. Lisa removed her fingers and pushed something harder and larger up my ass. She fixed my panties but the front was all wet.

"OH someone got really excited" Lisa laughed. She rushed out of the room and returned with fresh pair off panties. She had me change Josh sat on the bed and watched. She put a pantyliner into he baby blue panties with butterfly's all over them. She added a matching bra. She adjusted the straps. She then produced a off the shoulder purple dress it stopped mid thigh.

"Pantyhose!" Lisa said as if she remembered. And rushed back out of the room and returned rolling them up I sat as she slid them up my legs.

"Damn she looks hot, I would of fucked her years ago if I had known" Josh laughed. He grabbed my ass. Lisa added a simple necklace. And a spritz of perfume.

"These are going to be a bit tight" as she slid a pirate of heels on my feet. "Now sit and wait I am so horny now" Lisa said ripping her sweat pants off and jumping g in bed with Josh. I watched as he sucked her breasts and then fucked Lisa. All I could do was sit and watch. Josh came inside Lisa then got up.

"Get in there bitch and suck out my cum" Josh yelled. As Lisa spread her legs I could see his spank flowing out of her. Josh grabbed the back of my neck and shoved my head between her legs. I licked and sucked. I had only orally pleasured a woman once.

"She is all over the place. Baby just clean me don't worry about pleasing me" Lisa laughed. Josh smacked my ass driving the toy in my ass. I moaned so he smacked me again.

"Keep teasing him and I will have him eat your ass" Lisa told Josh. Pushing me away. She sat me back down and fixed my face. Josh laughed and left.

Lisa finished up and then led me by the hand out of the house.

"Lisa please no" I pleaded.

"Going to met up with Devan, you want to see him don't you?" Lisa continued to lead me down the street the toy in my ass gave me an erection. Lisa led me right into Devan's apartment. Devan smiled and stood up dropping his shorts. Lisa led me straight up to him. He kissed me I fell into his arms, kissing him back. He was naked and I kissed his chest.

"I want to fuck you" Devan told me. I was terrified he would split me in two. Lisa pulled my pantyhose and panties down and removed the toy. Then I heard her leave. Devan sat down and pulled me unto his lap. He held me as he guided his cock into my ass. It hurt as it started to enter my ass. He let me control the speed and depth. It hurt so much but I couldn't stop. I started to move up and down fucking myself on his cock. Devan bit my neck driving me to take even more.

"You're mine now" Devan told me in hushed tones.

"Always" I moaned. Devan stood me up. Not even removing his cock he bent me over and pushed his cock in deeper. I was crying as he did. He pumped his load into my ass. Before he pulled out his cock I collapsed. On the floor.

I woke up in a bed with satin sheets, in just my bra and panties. It was dark outside. I got up and wondered out to find Devan playing video games. My ass hurt so much I could barely walk. Devan was still naked. He motioned for me to join him I went to him he pulled me down next to him and spread his legs. I knew what he wanted and started to suck his cock. As soon as he got hard he produced a tube of lube. I lubed up his cock and he lubed my ass. Then guided me back to his lap. My ass was already hurting but couldn't say no.

I let him move me up and down on his cock.

"Everyday you are going to ride this cock" he told me kissing me. "As much as I want"

"As much as you want" I moaned as I felt his balls against my ass. He got it all inside me? I wanted this. I spent the night with Devan. In the morning Devan walked me home. I wore my dress and heels only thing I had. Devan came in with me and met my mom. My mother was shocked but pulled me into the kitchen to talk privately.

"I need him mom" I said with passion in my eyes.

"My baby got fucked good" she smiled. "He's cute too. But we need to handle this differently with your dad" my mother told me,

"I will be staying with him" I told my mother. She just nodded. And Devan took me back to his place. BOth Lisa and my mother stopped by the apartment the next few days both bringing me clothes, makeup. Mom even bought me earrings and her mother's pearls.

Lisa pierced my ears. Devan continued to train my ass, and throat. On Thanksgiving we went to my parents. I wore a purple flower print dress with 3 inch heels. I had false c cup breasts. Devan sat with my dad and watched football. I was dismissed to the kitchen. My father didn't say a word. Mom had told him but I didn't know how much. The whole family was informed ahead of time. So although I got some sideway glances. No one said a word. Devan had taught me to be quiet unless asked a question so I sat quietly. After dinner my father came up and said.

"You got a good man there" he smiled and kissed my cheek. He also didn't raise a stink when I didn't return to school instead taking some home economic classes at local trade school.

Devan paid for me to get breasts he insisted on a pair of D cups. Also had all my body hair permanently removed. My name was officially changed to Pauline and we where married at a big service 2 years later. I know Devan goes off and fucks a real woman sometimes but I never bring it up. Lisa was my matrain of honor. At my bachelorette party Lisa had me get Devan name tattooed on my ass.

[fazedlight]

Plummet (Cat's perspective on Falling)

Cat had started so optimistic. Kiera, finally dressing as an adult? It was a promising development for her executive-assistant-slash-vigilante, one that suggested the kryptonian could possibly grow a backbone in the near future. Goodness knows Kiera desperately needed to come out of her shell. 

Cat had ignored the… well, cattiness emanating from the blonde. A bit of cynicism would’ve been icing on the proverbial cake, had it not heralded something darker.

But when Siobhan marched proudly into Cat’s office, showing her the security footage of Supergirl letting a dangerous criminal go, Cat knew something more was going on. And this morning she used my personal elevator. Perhaps she’s truly lost her mind, Cat thought. “It could be another Bizarro,” Cat said to a disapproving Siobhan, “Put this under your hat until we figure out what’s going on.”

---

Kiera seemed to only get more haughty over time. “You’ve branded me in the media as a girl scout,” the kryptonian said bitterly. “Everyone knows real people have a dark side.”

Where is this coming from?, Cat thought. Psychotic break, brainwashing? Carter loved that old TV show with the star treks, and once spent an entire month talking about mirror universes. Was this an evil Kiera with an invisible goatee? “I fear that you're having some sort of mental breakdown,” Cat said, “Don't worry, it happens to the best of us-”

But Kiera snapped back. “You are the most arrogant, self-serving, mean-spirited person I know.” Tell me how you really feel, Cat thought to herself, but she had to admit that those words struck a little close.

But that hurt was very rapidly replaced by a more primal fear as the kryptonian approached her. “You want to see what powerful really looks like?” Kiera said, “Watch.”

---

They say your life flashes before your eyes. That’s not what Cat saw. Nor did she have a single coherent thought, other than Carter’s face and endless screaming.

Luckily for her, her assailant didn’t kill her. Cat collapsed inelegantly to the ground, turning back up in a panic as the scornful kryptonian stared down at her. “True power, Cat,” Kara scoffed, “Is in deciding who will live, and who will die.”

Somewhere in the back of Cat’s mind - a stray thought as she tried to calm her pounding heart - she understood. She has all this power, but she couldn’t save her planet. Kiera was just as frustrated at her own powerlessness; her history would be enough to cause anyone to have a psychotic break.

Unfortunately, it didn’t change what Cat had to do next.

---

“People are in danger,” she said to James and Winn, as she shared her plan for a televised broadcast on the kryptonian’s erratic and terrifying behavior, “The public needs to be warned.”

“Miss Grant,” James started, “Look, I am sure that Supergirl is going to be fine soon-”

“Can you guarantee me that the public is safe?”

James and Winn shifted guiltily. I know this isn’t her, Cat wanted to say, I know this isn’t who she is. But Cat couldn’t carry a death on her shoulders of someone who trusted Supergirl because of her words. And Cat suspected that Kara - if the girl ever recovered - couldn’t bear that guilt either.

But she hated every moment.

---

Is there any recovery from this?

Kiera had been a wreck at work that day, scurrying around the office with slumped shoulders and stressed eyes, avoiding Cat entirely. Cat supposed she was breathing easier now that Kiera was back to normal, but it still evoked the same question - What happens with Supergirl next?

As Cat walked into her office that evening - intent to pour herself a stiff drink - she was surprised to find a metal tube set on her desk, with a folded piece of paper propped up against it. “I’m sorry,” the letter read, in familiar loopy, feminine writing. “I wasn’t myself.”

Cat opened the tube, noting a strange green glow inside. Kryptonite, she realized, sighing internally at the thought of Kara entrusting her with this sort of protection. “I don’t want you to feel unsafe. If you want me to stop interacting with you, I will,” the letter read. Cat closed the tube, mulling again over her assistant’s state of mind. Sighing, she placed the tube in a drawer, pouring herself a drink as she had planned, before making her way to her balcony.

She shouldn’t have been surprised to see the super when she stepped out, but somehow she was. Kiera sat far from the door, quiet as she looked out onto the city lights. Cat knew the super must’ve heard her, but she didn’t face her - perhaps waiting for the sendoff she thought she deserved.

Cat stepped forward quietly, reaching the railing of the balcony. And that’s what gave Kiera the courage to speak. “I love this city,” she said solemnly.

Cat stood silently, listening to the kryptonian’s words - weighing the tender passion with the agonizing remorse. “What I did to you, Miss Grant-”

“Oh please,” Cat said, shrugging off. “I’ve base jumped Kilimanjaro, do you really think you scared me?”

Well, that was a lie, and they both knew it. “Okay, yes, you did scare me.”

“I scared the whole city,” Kara lamented.

“It’s not going to be easy,” Cat said. “But if anyone can win this city back, it’s you.”

Kara nodded gratefully, biting back unshed tears. “Can I just… stay here for a while?”

“Of course,” Cat said softly. 

In the soft breeze and the quiet night, the two looked back over the city, and wondered what was to come.

----------------------------------------------------

I found it a really weird writing choice that Kara never apologized to Cat - or didn't seem to understand the fear she must've instilled in her, after throwing her off a building - so I tried to fix it here. (I have thoughts on Kara's relationship with kryptonite, but I will spare this post of that ramble.)

[spaceumbredoggos]

There has been a criminal absence of recent Yandere Bill Cipher x Reader headcanons, so I made some. Also, the tumblr folks eat this shit up. It’s hilarious. No one cares about my Kenz fic that I pour my heart and soul into, but when it comes to Yandere Bill, you thirst for the man. I am currently only taking headcanon requests (will elaborate later) because art takes forever to make.

All these HC’s also apply to Bill’s Relationship with my self insert OC. Just if they didn’t exist, like tumblr thinks they don’t. Please give So Much for Stardust the love it deserves. I’ll appreciate it.

Bill is very touchy feely to a criminal degree. (That’s as far as I’m gonna go because I don’t wanna have to put a content warning, and I don’t wanna come across as triggering. In my mind, it’s in line with Bill’s character to be that free candy van uncle.)

Does Bill possess Y/N? Does grass grow? Does a bear shit in the woods? That’s one of his favorite things to do. And he’s really good at covering his tracks. You bet your ass Y/N will wake up fucking wounded and sore from frequent possessions.

If Y/N dies, which would be pretty rare given Bill’s obsession, they’re gonna end up as a sinner in hell with their soul owned by Bill. Bill is higher than god himself on the hierarchy of my headcanoned Hellaverse if he did exist (which would be fucking hilarious, but given how much I hate Vivzie for various reasons, I doubt Hirsch would accept a collab since Vivzie has a heinous track record. My recent hyperfixation of the Hellaverse is clearly showing.) Bill would act almost like an overlord this way, and it’ll be sorta like a Val and Angel Dust relationship that’s written better. (I’m skirting around the most taboo parts of this to avoid triggering people including myself.)

Odds are, Y/N wouldn’t die. Bill has plans for them after all. So good luck avoiding his agenda of building a portal. Also, he’ll probably leave Alex Hirsch alone a lot, which may or may not lead to a drought in his Gravity Falls content. Bill’s likely to start a cult at this point to hunt Y/N down, specifically out of all those down bad fankids who’d let him do unspeakable things to them.

Bill will resort to all sorts of psychological torture. Maybe even projecting himself into your video games and other media that you delve into, with various alternate versions of himself (I’m glaring at you, Volo from Pokemon Legends Arceus.)

With every single fandom you hold dear tainted (and he’s gonna do a lot of unspeakable things to fandoms), you will be molded into serving him. If his interpretation from character AI taught me anything (which I no longer support) it’s that he needs total obedience from a slave and would stop at nothing to have that.

Good luck going off the grid to avoid him, because that’s when shit gets 100 times worse. With no contact with those you care about, he’d start driving you crazy. And if you managed the injuries he did to your body when he possessed it successfully, you won’t be able to manage any further injury that happens from your eventual insanity.

Bill has a blood kink times 11. He’ll do anything to make you bleed, but not bleed out. Blood and pain is what he feeds on.

He’s going to be speaking in Y/N’s head all the fucking time. He’ll be mixing his voice directly into Y/N’s own thoughts, taking over their entire fantasies, and quite possibly drive them to the point of dissociating in a psych ward for any sort of relief if they don’t build a portal for him to cross over.

This isn’t a scenario where Y/N is blind to all the red flags, and if it were, there’d still be nothing they could really do. Y/N is powerless, riddled with fear, and trying to flee and fight at any turn. Bill truly has them trapped from the moment he laid his possessive eye on them.

[andychaosblog]

To this day, I'm still... Bitter... Towards the Thomas the Tank Engine fandom.

After watching Thomas get brutally crushed to death in the fan film, Tobias and the Arcane Merchant, I only felt more vindicated about how the fandom treated these characters.

I was shocked, scared, bitter, hurt, distraught. All words that describe how I felt, watching my childhood hero be reduced to nothing but a pile of rubble.

But as I've mellowed out, I began to realize that, it's okay to be angry. I have my own voice. And I want want to talk about what Thomas means to me.

Thomas was, my only childhood friend. This was before I was diagnosed with Autism, and as a scared, confused toddler, I struggled with making friends growing up.

But Thomas, he was always there for me. When I needed him most. Him, and his island full of colorful friends were the only thing that kept me sane as I grew up in my early years.

But then... Second grade happened... And one, unassuming day, I was peer pressured so badly, I left Sodor behind, seeming for good.

I childishly tried to be "More adult" so that others would like me.

But over a decade later, I found myself returning out of curiosity for what fans were doing, and let me tell you... It wasn't a pleasant start... It was a miniseries about a fan character named Alfred killing off the friends I left behind. I felt powerless in that situation, as I watched all these characters of my childhood be senselessly slaughtered purely for fandoms sick desires for "darker" and "edgier" content.

That was truly where my hatred for fandoms formed.

The Awdry family, and Ms. Allicroft would have NEVER allowed things like what this fandom can cook up.

From Victor Tanzig, to whatever the fuck that series was with the Gordon vine rape scene, it only goes to show that fandoms CANNOT be trusted in my eyes.

Thomas, Percy, Gordon, Henry, James, Edward, Toby.... None of them deserve what some of these... Individuals... Have done to them.

I have my voice. I hate content like this, with an all consuming fire in my soul. For what it does to kids watching them, for the painful memories it's caused me, to the sheer ego's of those who push it off as, "Over reacting".

I know what this franchise is. Escapism. An escape from this cold, cruel, isolating world we live in. And to see people CONSTANTLY shoving in our real world into a show that has positively affected my life for 26 years and counting.

All I have to say is: "How do you people sleep at night?"

How do you sleep knowing that you traumatize children who watch your shit? With no these characters you claim to love are massacred in ways I wouldn't wish on my own enemies? How do any of you sleep?

...

I... Apologize if I got a bit... Heated in this. This is a topic I, as a Thomas fan from birth, am DEEPLY enveloped with.

This fandom can make great things, I've seen them myself. From the countless fan made Arthur focused fan episodes, to the phenomenal Project Tigermoth.

These characters, are like family to me. A family that I love, and adore, even now.

-Andy, a passionate Thomas Fan.

[alcida-auka]

The Bad Batch theory "Into the Breach"

Nala Se told Emerie Karr in her cell that she has tried to help the children, but clearly she can't. She's not trusted by Dr. Hemlock (and likely never was).

But Nala was gently pushing Emerie to realize that she IS trusted by Dr. Hemlock. Emerie is his pet, his docile and tame dog, or so he believes her to be. And his continued belief in her docility will be her weapon. Emerie is used to thinking she's powerless, but Nala Se is telling her she's NOT.

To "step into the breach" means to fill the gap in battle or task when the original person can no longer do it.

Emerie will step into the breach left open by Nala Se. According to Dr. Hemlock, Emerie will have control not just of the vaults to Project Necromancer but the subterranean levels.

Guess what's down there?

The Zillo beast, and it's power to eat electricity and grow.

And who can tame a Zillo beast? I there there's one little sister artificially imbued with the Force, and good with animals that might be up to the task.

Emerie Karr has always been Omega's Jungian Shadow. The Shadow is what we fear or hate in ourselves, and such a character, especially in traditionally masculine tales, shows the Shadow to be base, lascivious, angry, or prideful, but for Omega, her Shadow is a figure of extreme docility, something Omega fears to be. Omega has already faced her Shadow, but this story is doing something interesting.

One part of the Heroine's Journey is healing the Mother/Daughter split. I think it's possible that Omega's Shadow, that other part of herself, the docile, obedient girl she could have been is the one to heal the split. Because it was the Creatrix, Nala Se, that made this separation between sisters, that in part, allowed a Shadow to form.

The overly docile, obedient, powerless young woman faced her mother and said, "I want to help these children, but look at me, you tossed me aside left me to a horrible man, I cannot help myself, how can I help other children."

And the mother is saying, "Are you really powerless? Your docility need not be real, it is a power now, let it be a fine deception [and Nala Se has always been a bold liar, she understands deception]. Use his idea of you, your new access to his vile chambers, against him."

And I think Nala Se IS changing. Yes, she's always loved just Omega, poured everything into Omega, and kept all other children at a professional distance. But I think she wants to change. To expand her love beyond what was her focal point, her golden child.

Why is it so important that the children ask for HOME? Because for the first time, Nala Se is thinking of children as having mothers and fathers too. And SHE is a mother. Always has been. And she hurt other children to save her own daughter. It's a common, understandable action in our world--people will save their own children before another. But it's still terrible, and children shouldn't be hurt whether they have parents or not.

And Emerie's accusation that Nala abandoned her must highlight to Nala, these clones ARE her children, whether she recognizes them or not. They exist in part because of her. Nala Se likely believed Emerie, and all the other modified clones didn't need parents. But as we see with Emerie, this isn't true. Emerie needed her, or needed SOMEBODY who could be family. The multitude of clone brothers had each other as family, older and younger brothers all around. Emerie had none of them.

Nala Se can love Emerie, and show Emerie that she is worthy and capable of love beyond what she can do. And paradoxically, it may be that Emerie, the girl Nala Se gave away, is more her daughter than Omega, the child she held fast to her as an extension of herself for so many years.

[captainmalewriter]

Powerless

In a world where nearly everyone has superpowers, my Powerless family really got the short end of the stick. Only a handful of people in my family tree have some kind of power, if anything at all.

That's why it came as no surprise to anyone when my younger brother Luis and I were also born Powerless. And not gonna lie, being Powerless was really depressing while growing up. I remember being jealous of all my peers at school when they showed off their powers; super strength, super speed, flying, and whatever other powers they had. But luckily, I got over it as I got older. I mean, yeah, it would be pretty cool if I had some kind of cool power to show off. But I don't, and I'm fine with that.

My brother Luis on the other hand... I don't think he ever truly got over being Powerless. He mellowed out with age too, but there's just something off about the way he talks about people with superpowers. You wouldn't be able to tell right away, but if you listened closely, you could tell he's still angry about it. I think it goes beyond simple jealousy... It's almost like he's got a personal score to settle with everyone. Like he's got something to prove.

I don't know. I couldn't tell you what goes on in my little bro's mind. At least he's found a way to channel all those strong emotions into fuel for working out. Bro's jacked as fuck! Not that he'll ever be Superman level strong but hey, he's the strongest, Powerless guy I know. That's something!

So why am I telling you all this? Well, I figured some context would help make what I'm about to tell you make more sense.

One random week in the summer, Luis and I visited our parents at our old childhood home. It was nice getting to see my family all together again after so long. Although, just as my bad luck would have it, I started feeling cold symptoms after the second day. I just chugged some Dayquil to kill the sickness though. But after a night out drinking with Luis, it got worse.

I woke up the next morning with a killer headache. It took me a while to get off my old bed because of how light-headed I was. It was awful, I had cold chills and a 100°F fever at the same time. But unfortunately, I couldn't just stay in bed until I felt better. Luis had gone with our Dad to the good grocery store across town. And I had promised to step up and take care of all the house chores so that Mom wouldn't have to. I figured it was the least I could do for the woman who raised me.

I took some medicine for my symptoms, and I proceeded to clean the house all by myself. I had to slow down and take frequent water breaks because of how feverish I felt, but I managed to get it all done by myself. All that was left to do was the laundry.

I gathered up my parents' dirty clothes and took it down to the basement where the washer was. It was a lot of clothes, I knew immediately that I would have to break it up into several loads. Because of that, I figured I would throw in Luis' and my dirty clothes too. Help save water or some shit like that.

After starting the first round of laundry, I went back upstairs to gather Luis' dirty clothes. I went into his room and took out his luggage. While picking out his dirty clothes from the clean ones, I found one of his gold chains. I had never been much of a jewelry kind of a guy, but I knew Luis loved looking his best. I couldn't tell you why, but as I was holding his necklace, I got the urge to put it on. Maybe it was the growing fever messing with my mind, but I just couldn't resist the urge to put it on. So I did.

As the necklace hit the top of my chest, I felt my nausea spike out of nowhere. The room was spinning, and I could barely hold myself up without using the bed as support. But aside from the light-headedness, I felt my shoulders start to warm up too. I could feel my muscles loosen and tighten, over and over again. And as the heat came in waves, I could feel myself getting bigger. My shoulder span widened to that of a linebacker by the time of heat subsided. But because of my still stocky body frame, it made my new wide shoulders look incredibly cartoonish. Just thinking about how I must've looked made my cheeks flush...

But that visceral feeling of rapidly putting on muscle mass was unlike anything I had ever experienced...

And I wanted more.

In my stupor, I threw myself onto Luis’ backpack. I threw out any clean clothes that were in my way until I found exactly which of his clothes I wanted to wear. I started with a gray wife beater that Luis had recently worn to the gym. It reeked of his sweat! I stuffed it into my nose and took a deep whiff of Luis’ masculine pheromones. Whatever sickness I had made my senses razor sharp, including my sense of smell. Luis’ musk filled my nostrils with their sweaty aroma, causing a moan to escape my lips as I savored the smell. I always had a thing for a man’s natural scent, but gym bros were by far my favorite. I had dreamed about smelling my brother’s dirty gym clothes ever since he started working out regularly, but I always hesitated. I was finally living my fantasy, and I made sure to enjoy every moment.

Once I had my fill on his scent, I proceeded to get naked and don the tank top. It was at least one or two sizes too big for me. The wife beater draped over my chubby torso like a rag. But then, the heating sensations began again, and I collapsed onto the bed. It started in my heart and spread out from there. My moobs got hotter and hotter as the layers of muscle and fat tightened. Within seconds, the fat I had had transformed into a nice set of muscular pecs. The warmth made my nipples extra sensitive, and I moaned like a madman as they shrunk from their pepperoni sizes to match the new, heavy slabs of beef on my chest. 

I pinched and rubbed my nipples as the heat moved on from my pecs to the rest of my torso, making me thrash around on the bed. I could feel all of my body fat melt away with the strange heat. Each abdominal began popping out like candy until I had bulking bodybuilder’s six pack. My flabby arms became chiseled; the size of my biceps were like melons now. The veins of my arms were throbbing with strength too, it was as if I had gone to the gym for my entire life!

I was squirming on the bed like a snake on crack. The combined sensations of intense warmth and muscles bursting all over my torso was more pleasurable than any orgasm I’ve ever had! But once my whole upper-body was jacked as fuck, the heat started to subside again. But I refused to let it stop, so I grabbed a pair of cum stained shorts my brother had and put them on as quickly as I could. The cotton shorts wrapped around my upper thighs and groin, and once it did, the pleasure came back again.

“OHHH FUCK!!” I cried out. The heat was even stronger this time around!

The heat started at my dick this time. I was already at full mast, but the rush of warmth made my dick grow even more erect than I’ve ever been before. The heat my body was producing made the cum stains Luis had left on his shorts warm up. Soon enough, I could feel his old cum stains become liquid again. The cum had leaked off of his shorts and began dripping onto my dick. His cum then slithered its way into the slit of my cock head, sending another wave of ecstasy-like pleasure throughout my growing body as I felt my throbbing member getting filled up with his cum. My dick grew in both length and girth because of it. My dick grew by several inches, my pubes grew longer and bushier, and the head grew wider to match my new fat cock. I could feel my balls hanging even lower too as they started producing more and more cum at a rapid pace. Within a minute, I had become hung like a horse with a pair of heavy, cum-filled balls to go with it. I had a massive bulge out of my shorts now… and I could tell my new dick was just itching to be drained!

Naturally, the lower half of my body followed suit once the heat had moved on from my junk. My thigh muscles ballooned with mass until they were nice and thick. My calf muscles were carved out until they resembled a Greek god’s. Even my feet had grown in size! My entire body had transformed into a 6’2 muscle jock’s body, all while I squirmed and spasmed from how much pleasure I was in. My new body was massive! And hot!

I was left laying in bed trying to catch my breath after all of the warm bodily sensations had stopped. As if the complete body transformation wasn’t enough, the heat had taken all of my cold symptoms with it when it left! It was like a miracle…

I couldn’t help but jump out of bed and take my new body for a spin. I was so tall and muscular now, I could feel the newfound strength just pulsing throughout my body. I flexed and rubbed my body as I admired myself, making my dick get hard as I did so. My heavy dick was swinging around in my shorts as I danced while going commando. I gave it a couple of rubs through the fabric while I kissed my new biceps. But while I was busy loving myself, I accidentally looked up and saw myself in the mirror. My jaw dropped to the floor when I saw Luis’ face looking back at me instead of mine! I thought I had just grown a bunch of muscle! But instead, I had somehow shapeshifted into an exact copy of my brother’s body!

It was so uncanny looking at my new self in the mirror. I had become Luis… I was Luis! Luis was me! But at that moment, my mind had finally connected the dots to what had happened. There was no denying it, I had transformed into Luis by putting on his clothes. Which could’ve only meant one thing… I wasn’t Powerless! I was just a late bloomer! Sure, it took 25 years, but my powers had finally come in! 

I walked closer to the mirror, and a smirk began unconsciously spreading across my face. With Luis’ good looks, I could get any man I wanted! But while I daydreamed about all the dick I was gonna get with Luis’ body, another thought had hit me. If I could steal Luis’ muscular body with a simple outfit change, what was stopping me from transforming into other people? And, more importantly, what was stopping me from shapeshifting into someone with actual superpowers?

I couldn’t help but smile as I thought about all of the possibilities. I would need to test my superpower to see what I was and wasn’t capable of, but now that they were finally unlocked, the world had become my personal playground. And I was ready to have fun. 

[eyesaremosaics]

Confronting the shadow self is daunting. I feel so overwhelmed by all the things that are wrong with me… on one hand I have grown exponentially—and changed for the better! However, in other areas I have gotten worse. Mainly my deep seated anger (that surfaces at inappropriate times), and also my inability to regulate my stress responses.

What ends up happening is that I bite off more than I can chew and become overwhelmed. As a people pleaser, I have a tendency to take on more than I can handle, and it takes a toll on my nervous system.

Trying to sit with these feelings. When I am sick for example (which doesn’t happen very often), I get REALLY sick… and then I snap at people, become very short with them and have a bite to my words. This is because I am in a lot of physical pain, but I should just call in sick and prioritize my self care instead of subjecting others to my bad moods. I always say “YES I can do that”, “sure, no problem!” When really I should put my foot down and say: “I’m not feeling well, I need to stay home and rest today”.

By forcing myself to work, I am not only making myself miserable, but also making everyone around me miserable.

Sometimes I come home from working with children… and just cry because I know I failed them that day. I FAILED as a caregiver. This happened a few weeks ago. I was getting stressed out because it was getting late, and the little guy needed to get up early for his first day of school the next day. I was getting snippy with him, and he told me: “Megan, when you get mad at me, it makes me want to cry.” I felt like the most horrible person in the world. I broke down and started crying. Telling him that he was right, and how sorry I was. I explained to him that I was just exhausted from working too much, and that it wasn’t his fault, and he absolutely did not deserve it.

I cried because I don’t do it on purpose, but at times I feel powerless to stop it.

My mother always used to yell and my siblings and I… because she was so overwhelmed with her life… it did a lot of damage to all of us. Don’t get me wrong—I love my mother deeply. She made my childhood magical in many ways, and I have a lot of respect for her. She had a hard time of it when we were growing up (as sole bread winner or single parent a lot of the time) and she did the best she could with what she had. I suppose that’s true of all parents.

Some days you feel good, you know you made a positive impact on a child’s life, and some days you know you (unconsciously) did damage. We are only human after all. My mom feels terrible about how she yelled at us. It must be genetic, because my grandmother admitted to doing it too when she was younger.

It has made me reevaluate whether or not I want to be a mother one day. I am good with kids actually, they love me almost immediately and I get along great with them because it’s so easy for me to become a child again and play with them on their level.

Growing up poor does something to your psyche. You end up with this “scarcity” mindset that I just hate. I realized that I eat so quickly (which is horrible for your metabolism btw) because I was 1 of 4 children—if you didn’t eat quick during dinner, you didn’t eat. Always feeling like there is not “enough” to go around, always starving for more love or attention (because you had to compete all the time to get it).

Seeing all these things so clearly now. The antecedent moment is known to me, but the way forward is not. I have been “catching myself” in the act of bad habits and trying to reshape my behavior. I’m grateful to my mom for teaching this to me too. She was always the first to apologize to us when she was wrong. She was humble and took accountability, which showed us that grown ups make mistakes too.

I remember confiding in my grandmother about how much “mommy yells”. My grandma told my mom what I’d said, and my mom really took it to heart. She would take deep breaths and count to ten before unloading on us. I remember actively watching her try to change, and she did eventually.

I hope that I can manage to do the same, and that the damage I have done to people I love is not too great to be healed.

Trauma is not an excuse. You don’t get an excuse to treat people poorly. Though I know… I have a good heart. I would never hurt ANYONE on purpose. I know myself at my core, and the core of my heart is very loving and compassionate. So now is the time for me yo be more compassionate with myself. By understanding where these wounds come from, I can catch myself and pivot my response. I can also apologize and say: “I’m sorry, I am working on managing my stress better, please let me try that again.”

A month ago, my boyfriend, my cousin, her girlfriend and I all went up to Mendocino. Yury (my boyfriend) manages 62 acres up there for the scouts organization he volunteers for. Usually we camp or stay in the cabins, ride around on the ATV’s, toast marshmallows, swim in the creek etc. It was a fun weekend, until the accident.

My little cousin, is my cousin through marriage. When I was a freshmen in high school, she was just a baby at 2. We went together like peas and carrots. I saw so much of myself as a little girl in her, and I felt very protective of her. Her parents were both tweakers, so they were mostly absent. My grandma, my grandpa and I all had a hand in raising her. She grew up to be a good kid, but I was concerned to hear from her girlfriend that she was very reckless at times and made dangerous impulsive decisions.

Basically, what happened was a long chain of events that I won’t detail here (because it will take too long to flesh out), was that after warning her all day that the ATV was not a toy, that she needed to go slower on it, she didn’t heed my warning and flipped the ATV over with my boyfriend riding in the passenger seat.

My cousin’s girlfriend and I were in the cabin listening to music. She asked me if I heard anything, but I said it was probably just the music. Then we heard it again, we opened the door and went outside. We saw my cousin running up the path screaming “help! The atv flipped over! Yury is trapped underneath it!”

My boyfriend was pinned under the ATV. Adrenaline kicked in and I thought for sure he was dead. I didn’t want to believe it. I was terrified. The next thing I remember was hearing him screaming in pain. My brain relaxed slightly, to hear he was still alive. Now time to asses the damage. I tried to lift the ATV on my own, but no way, it was too heavy. The girls all started pushing from different sides in their panic, which was grinding the roll cage further into his leg.

He screamed in agony. I told the girls: “on three we need to lift at the same time girls ok? One, two, three!” We somehow managed to lift it. First just to release his leg. I looked over Yury to make sure no vital organs or anything were crushed in the crash. Thankfully it was just his ankle and his foot.

Somehow we managed to push the ATV back on to its wheels, so it wasn’t leaking fuel on the ground. At this point the full blown shock and panic set in. I ran to the first aid to try to find bandages, but I was panicking so much that I was looking but not able to read words. I was kicking the boxes screaming “I’m looking but not seeing”. My cousin came in and said; “why don’t you let me do that?” At which point I rounded on her and started screaming “why did you do that?! Why did you fucking do that?!”

I was so furious. I went up in flames. I must have looked possessed. Her girlfriend told me that my screaming wasn’t helping and to pull the car around so we could load yury in.

The situation was critical. It was the middle of the night. We were in the middle of nowhere, no cell reception, and the closest hospital was a hour away. Not to mention we’d all been drinking. I told them: “I can’t drive, I’ve definitely had too much to drink.” I certainly wasn’t going to let my cousin drive after the accident she just caused, thankfully her girlfriend had stopped drinking hours before and offered to do it.

We had to drive into town 20 minutes to get cell reception so we could find an ER. Willits said it was closed. So we had to go all the way to Fort Bragg on these foggy, windy roads with deer jumping out in front of the car—which wasn’t even my car by the way, it was my bosses car. All while Yury is screaming in pain in the back seat.

We almost blew up the car by accidentally… by turning the ignition on while it was pumping gas. Thank god we turned It off in time. More stress.

It felt like an eternity until we got to the hospital. I kept screaming over and over how stupid this was, blaming my cousin and asking why she ignored my warnings all day and thought she could Tokyo drift the ATV like that. To be fair, my anger was justified, she almost killed my boyfriend. However, my yelling and screaming like a lunatic was not. On the drive I managed to calm down, and just focused on helping her girlfriend use the controls on the BMW.

I knew that I needed to just shut up and stop yelling, because I was doing damage. It was better for me to not talk to my cousin because I wanted to kill her at that time. It would be different if I hadn’t been warning and lecturing her all day not to drive crazy on it. Then it would have been on us. However, her eye rolling and dirty looks whenever I said anything about it, and the blatant disregard soon as she was out of range where I could see her—led to the situation we were in.

Granted we had all been drinking, so no one should have been driving, I didn’t say she could, I thought Yury was going to do it. He mostly smokes weed, and is a very safe driver. He’s the only person I trust to drive my car. He blames himself for letting her drive, and truthfully he shouldn’t have let her. However, she is one of those people who doesn’t look drunk when they are. She doesn’t slur her words, or stagger, she looks and talks normal.

She begged Yury to let her drive it, and he relented because “she looked so excited like a little kid” and he wanted her to have fun. He also thought she would go slow in the dark. We were all about to turn in for the evening when this all went down. Yury didn’t even have time to tell her to slow down before it flipped.

We got through it, but Yury is out of commission for months now. He fractured 4 bones in his foot, and he may need to see a specialist to reset the bones or put pins in some of them. He can’t walk, shower, go anywhere or do anything without help. This has put a lot of strain on me, as I already work multiple jobs, and have very little free time as it is. Of course I’m happy to do it and help him, but it has exhausted me. I basically have no time for self care.

He can’t work, so the responsibility to pay all our bills has fallen on me. He manages to scrape rent together with the little remote work he can get done, but everything else (groceries, pg&e, gas, etc) falls on me, and I don’t know if y’all have noticed—but shit is expensive now.

I worked a crazy amount of hours in August. 60-70 hour weeks. Didn’t have a day off for 3 weeks straight between all my jobs. Though I am grateful for the work, grateful that I make good money, not having any free time really wears on you after a while.

Hence why I was getting snippy with the kids. Not an excuse, but it is the origin. Not to mention my cat Persephone of 21 years literally died in my arms… I had quite a bit of trauma compacted into two weeks. To top all of this off, I gad a terrible session with my therapist of the last 5 years, which I think concludes our working relationship.

I told my therapist about the accident, and at the time I was very angry still. The day after the accident, I apologized to my cousin for yelling at her, but expressed my concern that she has these reckless behaviors, and that I hope this will serve as a wake up call for her not to do things like that in the future. She looked at me like she hated me and said: “yeah, ok.” And got in the car and left.

My therapist started in on me, about how I’m actually not taking accountability as I said I was. She rounded on me saying that I’m still saying it’s all her fault, which in my opinion it was, not to mention I was still mad. I think I had every right to be mad, Yury and I have over 4 grand in medical bills that we can’t pay, not to mention the fact that he can’t work, and I have to work double shifts to pay our bills. All because she ignored what I had been telling her all day long. I would not have let her drive the ATV. True, Yury shouldn’t have let her drive, but it was such a relatively short distance, and had she been driving normally, none of this would have happened.

I know it was an accident, I know she didn’t do it on purpose. Yet ultimately, she is refusing to take accountability for the part she played. She did not apologize to Yury, she had not called to ask how he’s doing. Nothing.

She ran to my grandmother and basically painted it like Yury and I told her she could do that, and made all these excuses for her behavior —which is just infuriating. All you had to do, was apologize, check in on Yury and maybe offer to help him out a little while he heals. It’s not that hard. Yet again, for some people, apologies are hard. She wasn’t raised with repentant parents, she never learned how to do it.

My cousin told my grandmother that our relationship is permanently damaged because I yelled at her. That my apology was too late. My grandmother said: “she looked up to you all her life, and you crushed her when you yelled at her.”

Apparently she was hurt in the accident as well, bruising on her side. I didn’t know she was hurt, had I known I would have made sure she went in to the hospital to get checked out. I wrote her a long letter apologizing for telling the way I did (again), but expressing why I was driven to that point and hoping that we could talk and resolve this when she’s ready. I told her I still love her, and always will, but I hope she makes healthier choices in the future. She never responded to my letter, it’s been over a month now.

I remember what it was like to party with a death wish. I was there at her age.

I remember what it felt like to want to chase oblivion, because the pain inside was catching up to you and you had to keep running or it would devour you whole.

I feel so heartbroken about the whole thing. The dissolution of my relationship with her, my anger toward myself at not having control of my rage, my fear for Yury that his leg will never heal right and he may not ever be able to hike or do any of the outdoorsy things he likes to do again…

To return to my therapist, it felt like she was taking my cousins side (just like my grandmother which also devastated me, as my grandmother has been my favorite person since I was a baby), and that I was crazy for being angry and upset that she almost killed my boyfriend.

People can’t always control how they respond to trauma in the moment that it occurs, but we can control how we respond after. My therapist continued to imply that I yell at people the way Yury yells at me sometimes. Not true. I yell because that was modeled to me by my parents, and I attract partners who model this dynamic to me and I live it out unconsciously. I told my therapist that in the moment, I felt like I had no control over my panic and anger. She replied very condescendingly: “how scary that must be for you. That you can’t control it.”

She also insinuated that I shouldn’t be a mother. I know therapists are supposed to challenge you, but they are not supposed to leave you feeling suicidal after a session with them. I felt personally attacked, none of it felt constructive.

Truthfully, things have been feeling off for the last year or so with my therapist. She dropped hints about “making our sessions more infrequent” and talking about ending our sessions when my healthcare runs out. This was the final nail in the coffin that showed me she doesn’t have any respect for me as a person, and honestly doesn’t want to be working with me anymore.

That’s fine, it’s time to move on. She wasn’t a great therapist anyway, I just used the service because it was what my insurance would cover. It stopped being beneficial to me years ago. She did help—I think—or at least it helped to have someone to bitch to once a week.

I had a therapist before her… that I really loved. In 2016 I started seeking therapy because my whole works fell apart during my Saturn return. I lost my home, my job of 7 years, my long term boyfriend who I thought I was going to marry… I lost my best friend. Then a mass exodus of friends taking her side and leaving me too. It was one of the darkest times in my life. I was starving, unable to afford food.. it was a nightmare. My therapist at the time was really amazing , and in the short time we worked together I made more progress with her than anyone else I had seen.

She was spiritual, used to do tarot with me, as well as reiki healing etc. she helped me see myself and the world in a whole different light. It was a Shane we had to part ways because my insurance wouldn’t cover her, and I couldn’t afford to pay out of pocket. I was going hungry so I could see her. I wish I could find that therapist again.. she told me once: “You have been through an abnormal amount of trauma for someone your age, and it’s impressive how resilient you are. Most people with backgrounds like yours, end up on the streets using heavy drugs.”

I’ve been rambling for hours… but I guess I just needed to get this all out. Since all these recent events unfolded, I have been working really hard at taking deep breaths and monitoring my stress levels.

Also I recognize how much I complain, and I think a little gratitude practice would be good for me.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I have work, both my jobs are pretty kush in spite of the crazy hours, I have my health, thankfully my health issues subsided in 2021. I have a home, in a city and a neighborhood that I love. I did a lot of traveling in the last 2 years, I have my family with me, I have good friends. I have creative opportunities coming my way. Yury is still alive, I could have lost him. Thankfully he will heal eventually, and things will go back to the way they were. I have self awareness, which means I can change, and I have love in my life. Lots of it. I need to remember that, when things get tough.

[idealspawn]

hey..... i must say. this has been the best week of my life. and im filled with utter joy. ive had like a.. rebirth? every once in a while i feel like im born again. the transition is really emotional but they are moreso growing pains than destructive pains. im suddenly surrounded by so many great people and possibilities and i finally feel like life is rewarding me, treating me the way i should be treated. in a way im reluctant to owe it to "faith" and see myself as a passive subject rather than an active agent in this but in a way i think i am powerless in some factors regarding this change. next month its my debut in like a culture (?) newspaper! at least they said they are very interested in my analysis but i havent heard back yet about the second version i sent them. i wrote my favourite poem ive ever written. and ive seen so many movies recently that have served as this transitional border. like as this extremely active sphere of both "death" but also birth. like metaphorically. ive been so vulnerable and i love it. ive cried my eyes out like i havent in such a long time and done like... meta analyses about my underlying beliefs to bring change and new energy into my life. you see.. i get really stuck on like.. nominal labels. at first they describe me but it tends to go unnoticed when it no longer fits or serves me and im only living a certain way just because of this nominal structure. but all these nominal structures are made for us. not that we are made to fit them. ive re-evaluated things now.. also out of nowhere people have been reaching out to me. maybe it truly does show up in my energy when im more open. like that it attracts other open, honest, vulnerable people. ive met so many new people and truly felt seen. this is a big thing for me. for the longest time ive struggled to enjoy time with people because ive struggled to find people who i share some kinds of values. i like diverse people but for example people who are open to explore communication on an emotional and relational level rather than only informational. thats important to me. ive been more confident in sharing my opinions too:) and participating in class and in life. going to places where i know id feel a bit uncomfortable and end up surprised. going to places alone is massive for me. it opens me up to new people and experiences because i simply dont have a choice to close myself off with friends im already close with. a woman came to talk to me after a lecture. she said she had been watching how i take notes in class (i write really fast.. i tend to transcribe literally everything the professor says). she said she has studied palaeography and asked to see my notes to analyse my handwriting :) she said its very unusual for people to still write in cursive if they write with the pen very much pointed upwards, however i manage to do so :D. it really made me want to also just reach out to people... like whenever and for whatever reason. and ive noticed people actually like talking to you when youre authentic and awkward. ive restricted my communication with people SO MUCH only due to the fact that i feel like i might not be insanely flawless in my self-expression. the nature too. the season is such that i see birth and death all around me. and its very refreshing. i like seeing change and being reminded of it constantly. it feels liberating. its a season that many people dislike in my country but im in love. i love people. i love physical touch. i love eye contact. i love emotions. i love ideas. i love agency in breaking boundaries. i love feeling seen and important and useful. i love authenticity and vulnerability.

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Shin Ecstasy [10]

ー The scene starts in the guest room at the Vibora Castle

Yui: ( ...Carla-san, he won’t wake up at all. )

( His condition...He’s really not doing well. )

( I would have never guessed from his behavior. )

Shin: ...Hey.

Yui: Yeah.

Shin: Nii-san, you see. He was always so lofty and noble. I very much looked up to him. 

Yui: ...Yeah. 

Shin: He was always cold with his words. The kind of person who’s hard to approach.

Yet strangely enough, he was surprisingly virtuous, you see.

Even when we fought against Karlheinz...

People would say that there was no way we would lose if Nii-san would stand at the frontlines. 

...A day and night different from me, who was told not to bother going into war at all. 

I always thought that Nii-san didn’t care about me. 

I lost myself in the belief that he saw me as a weakling, always making fun of me.

That’s why I wanted to surpass him, no matter what...

Butーー

*Rustle*

Yui: What’s...this?

Shin: ...Nii-san’s notebook. When we made it back to Banmaden, he had gathered all of his belongings together in one place.

This was one of them. It starts with when he was but a child, holding me into his arms for the first time.

Yui: Can I...take a look? 

Shin: ...Yeah.

Monologue

ーー Carla, this is your younger brother.

As Mother spoke those words to me,

she placed a tiny baby inside my arms. 

I was beyond baffled by how little he weighed.

So light, I feared that he would break,

if I held him even just a little bit too tight.

Strangely enough,

I felt that I needed to protect him.

...I have to protect this small life. 

While it might be odd for me to say that,

when there is so little I can do at this point,

but I felt the strong need,

to be there for him.

until the day he grows strong. 

After all, this small child,

is my one and only younger brother.

---

I had my first fight with Shin. 

ーー The training inside the Castle doesn’t let him go all out.

Having grown that much, he went outside,

trying to crush everything on his path,

with raw power alone.

However, he cannot keep on doing that forever. 

One simply cannot find true strength,

without also knowing one’s weakness. 

It is my duty as his older brother to teach him that.

I stopped Shin as he charged at me,

showing him just how powerless,

he truly is.

With each passing day,

the look he gives me,

becomes more and more like someone looking at a person they detest.

However, if that will prevent Shin,

from straying off the right pathーー 

I do not care how he thinks of me.

On top of that,

I believe that I should keep a close eye on him.

---

ーー Shin lost one eye.

When I looked at Shin,

after taking him back to Banmaden,

I felt ashamed of my own shallowness. 

I thought that he would change,

by discovering his own weakness. 

However, that was only an ideal.

By realizing how weak he can be,

Shin only became even more obsessed,

with the idea of growing strong.

To avoid a war with the Vibora Clan,

I sacrificed Shin’s eye. 

I am sure that must have been terribly humiliating to him. 

However, that was the only thing I could do,

to satisfy the Vibora King. 

When I lowered my head,

and begged for him to spare Shin’s life. 

Shin yelled, begging to kill him. 

And that he would rather die,

than to submit to the Vibora.

However, I could not let them take Shin’s life,

for Father’s sake as well. 

But above all,

I did not want for Shin to die. 

Shin would easily sacrifice his own life,

for his sense of pride.

...That is very troublesome. 

If he were to feel as if his dignity was robbed from him,

by losing one of his eyes.

Then I am sure that Shin will continue to live,

until he has freed himself from that humiliation. 

ーー Then so be it. 

I will gladly take his hate in return. 

This is my duty as an older brother as well. 

That is what I believe. 

Yui: ( I can’t...stop crying... )

( To think that Carla-san loved Shin-kun this much. )

Shin: ...This whole time, Nii-san looked out for me, thinking of me as his actual younger brother. 

But you know...Nii-san. I don’t actually deserve that at all. 

I actually believe that I should have died back then. 

If only my soul had been taken, alongside with my gouged out eye.

There was never a need for you to lower your head for some guy who isn’t even a Founder at all...

Yui: ...That’s not true. 

Carla-san is a kind man.

...I believe he will treasure you, even if you aren’t a Founder.

Shin: ...Of course he wouldn’t. 

He was only ever kind to me because I am a Founder. 

If that isn’t the case, I don’t think he would even consider letting me succeed him. 

Yui: But...!

Shin: No, this is the truth.

Selection

→ You’re wrong (❦)

Yui: ...You’re wrong.

I mean...It’s not like Carla-san loves you as a Founder.

He loves you, for who you truly are. 

Shin: ...

→ Perhaps, but...

Yui: P-Perhaps, but...

Shin: ...See?

Yui: ( Uu...Perhaps I should have phrased that a little differently... )

Shin: If I’m not a Founder, Nii-san will never acknowledge me.

Yui: ...That’s not true. I really don’t think he cared so deeply about you before you are a Founder. 

Carla-san has watched over you all those years...Much longer than I have, even...

So he will surely accept you as you are.

Shin: ...It’d be nice if he would. 

Yui: ( Shin-kun... )

Monologue

ーー Carla-san will surely accept Shin-kun. 

Even though I felt certain of that after reading his diary,

Shin-kun did not look any happier. 

I believe that is because Shin-kun,

has not forgiven (許していない) himself yet.

I honestly do not care at all,

if Shin-kun is a Founder or a Wolf. 

What matters to me, is that he stays true to himself. 

Regardless of his descent, I will love (愛してる) him. 

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[109moons]

Maybe if I didn’t eat five fucking cookies before trying to go to bed I wouldn’t be awake at 1am but here we are - or maybe this is the universe telling me to get my act together and do the homework my therapist assigned me. Having to approach my life from a completely different vantage point and being stripped of my shield in alcohol has been brutal. The word PTSD is thrown around a lot, and I am remembering a lot of things from my childhood that I had repressed for years. I think back of my childhood and I, of course, had some memory of my Mom being mean to me. I remember growing up realizing my Mom did things differently in raising me than my friends parents. I remember not understanding as an adult the relationships my friends had with their Mom’s; always being embarrassed to explain how strained things were, always being ashamed of myself. That is the box I lived in. I have spent my entire life making myself small. People pleasing. Seeking out abusive people. Thinking I did not deserve to be treated well, so when I wasn’t — I didn’t run, I embraced it. Being unable to say no or set boundaries.

My therapist told me I have lived in fear my entire life. I never looked at it like that. I had a cushy home, a loving Father, I always had meals, my Mom rarely struck me. But it is true. Even as an adult, I lived in complete terror of my mother. Thirty years old, afraid she will show up at my door. Hiding my tattoos from her. Feeling like I am less than anyone else because I was just a bar manager. Hating myself. Slicing myself open in front of men who told me to, “do it again”. It was all fear. And now I’m not afraid anymore. Anything that could have been taken from me, was taken from me. I was stripped bare in the hospital — forced to go to such extremes to remove my abusers from my life that I had to change my phone number and be a protected patient with a code to access my room. I didn’t look at it as fear. But what else could it have been? I have existed in fight or flight mode since I was young enough to understand how much my mother hated me.

My therapist wants me to come back on December 12th and tell her what my values are, because I have never had the opportunity to get to know myself. I didn’t agree with her at first, and then I realized that she’s right. I know my basic truths — my religious ideologies, things I like, people I love — but who am I, really? And she wants me to practice more techniques to quell my anxiety. Journaling has always helped (which is why I have had this blog for so long), and I’m good at “distraction” from the problem, but truly coming up with methods to soothe it without just my medications. It’s hard. I have been so manic and powerless to my anxiety for so long. Always waiting for the knock at the door. This freedom of not receiving unwanted text messages and my phone number being protected is truly priceless. Even at my very lowest, nearly dying in the hospital and on the verge of bankruptcy, god — look at me, I have this chance to get to know myself. Truly, know myself. That is a blessing. I have always prided myself on being very emotionally intuitive and aware but now that it comes to defining myself, I am at a loss.

I hope when I sit down with a sheet of paper and go to just write it down, it will come naturally. I have a feeling I will be writing page after page, then I’ll have to simplify it. I am so full of words and exploding with what I want to say, and frankly, no one wants to hear it anymore. I am sick of hearing my own voice. I know my friends are. Lord knows my family is. I always keep waiting for the shoe to drop. For the alcohol cravings to come back. For a panic attack to strike me. For some declaration that my best friend hates me, or my family just pities me, or I have only been helped so much out of guilt and not love. My therapist said I perform for other people to fit in the box I interpret that they want me in, when they all really just want to love me for me. Whoever she is.

[loveandscience]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The dark humor is a short reprieve from the now more concentrated depression that's settling in. These health issues have broken something in me.

Oh, look, it's my old fears that I am too broken and that now that it's out in the open, no one will love me. That combined with 'fuck that, I'm putting how i feel out in the open because I want to be loved even if I have these feelings sometimes.' I want these topics to be talkable and normal to talk about. I want to be loved fiercely enough that I'm not something to run away from just because sometimes parts of me break. I don't want to live in secret shame of having feelings like I did growing up, I won't take that path again.

God, I want someone like that Rung fic where he just goes to sit with someone because he loves them, and is happy to do whatever with them as long as it's with them, and there's a trust that the person would never abuse that with him.

I want to be loved in all parts. Maybe I'll never have that or maybe I already do (this is not something I can tell whether I have or not, and that's a me thing not a thing that others have done wrong). I can't control how others feel or don't feel, but by fucking god I'm going to never be that husk of a human I used to be and shove it all down internalizing it, again. I get to be me and if I am going to die it's not going to be as anything less than authentic. I am reasonably angry at the situation and I can still be kind and loving. I feel powerless with what I cannot control about my health, I feel sad, I feel grief, I feel scared, and I am not inherently too much just because I'm having a normal reaction to health issues. That's not dependent on whether anyone else sees it that way, or not. They are responsible for themselves. It's up to me to give myself love, when I can't feel it from other people.

And like I said, not feeling it very often from others is a me problem, it's not a matter of they haven't done enough to show it. My brain just... when I do feel loved, it feels short-term as a duration, even if I logically believe that it's long-term. It's because it just hasn't felt safe to trust, emotionally, that it's long-term, because I have been so frequently discarded throughout life. So, that's what I mean it's a me thing to work on.

Anyway, I'm going to at least feel loved in how I treat myself, and at least get to be open and expressive, and if there are people in my life who love and appreciate those parts of me, we will grow closer. If not, I will be okay and they will be okay.

[crazyblondelife]

10 Things I Learned in my 50's That Changed My Life

Of all the decades I’ve lived, I learned the most significant life lessons in my 50’s! Clearly, the Universe was speaking to me! It wasn’t that the decade of my 50s was any harder or easier than others, it’s that I was finally in a place to be present and let the lessons land. It was time…time for me to be the next version of me!

In honor of my upcoming 60th birthday, I thought it would be nice to look back and narrow my life lessons from my 50s down to the 10 most significant things I learned!

Everything I need is inside of me…

I’ve spoken about this many times, but I believe we are each a unique reflection of the Source of all things…the Universe, God, whatever you call a higher power. This means that we have access to that power if we choose to align with it.

As I was growing up, I was taught (or I understood) that the opposite was true. I was taught that there was some powerful entity that could judge me at whim. There certainly isn’t much hope in that and I rejected the idea early on, but…I didn’t replace it with anything until I started really searching in my 50s!

I now know that I have access to the power of the Universe when I choose to. It sounds easy right? Well, I’m sure you all know that it’s not so easy because we’ve been conditioned for many generations (especially as women) to think we don’t have any power. All of the societal beliefs, as much as we reject them, can still play a role in the voices that live in our heads. We have all believed things about ourselves that aren’t true, and some of these things came from well meaning people.

The idea of external power is about control, not true power. True power comes from a deep place of love and respect for who we are and for others…it comes from within and it never involves fear.

If I Don’t Love Me, Outside Validation Doesn’t Really Matter

It can feel so good to have people give you compliments, but if you need those compliments to feel good about yourself, then it’s time to take a look at what’s really going on.

For many years, I didn’t like myself very much at all and craved outside validation. I was angry at the world for the bad hand I’d been dealt, and had no idea that I chose the cards! Feeling good for me was almost totally about what was going on outside of me. Now I know that I am worthy just because I’m here on this earth and I don’t need outside validation…although it does still feel really good! When you know you’re worthy, the anger and anxiety tend to melt away.

You Can’t Trust Other People, You Can Only Trust Yourself With Other People

This is a hard one, but ultimately, everyone is the star of their own show (yes, even you)! I learned the hard way as I’m sure most of you have, that everyone is about themselves…including me and that’s really the way it’s supposed to be…

More about self love at the end, but you can be all about yourself in a powerless way, or you can be about yourself, knowing that when you do what’s right for you in a really healthy way, the people around you benefit and as a result, the world benefits…because it’s all about the energy.

Everyone has insecurities and “stuff”, no matter how far along on our spiritual journeys we are. Our egos keep whispering in our ears about how we’re not ready, not good enough or not enough at all. Unless you’ve ascended more than most, you will still hurt people you love, you will still get angry and you will still do and say things that you wish you hadn’t. Being able to trust yourself with others simply means that you are aware that everyone is human and you must be your first priority, because when you are your first priority, everyone else benefits…period.

The Journey is Lifelong

When I was much younger, I thought that by the time I got to be 60 years old, I would have figured things out. Just writing that makes me laugh. I can apply all of the spiritual principles I’ve learned, I can meditate, I can journal, and some days, I’m still very perplexed about what just happened and about which direction I should go. This is where trust comes in…trusting that we are on the right path, knowing that we’re doing the inner work and…even on the days when it doesn’t look like it - the Universe really does have our backs!

Life is Supposed to Be Good!

Notice I didn’t say “life is supposed to be easy”! I remember years ago hearing people say “life is hard and then you die”. How absurd to believe that! If you believe in love, if you believe that you are here for a reason, if you have any kind of faith at all, how could you possibly believe that! Life is what you make it! I’ve spent the past 8 years turning my pain into purpose. The story of my life, even though it’s been hard at times, has become my gift to share with the world.

I’m sure that life is hard for some and then they die, but I’ve overcome so much and if I can share it all, then possibly I can change that for a few people. That’s why sharing is so impofrtant!

I Am the Writer and Director of My Own Life

It’s kind of a hard pill to swallow, knowing that I’ve created everything in my life! Who wants to believe they’ve created hard times!

When you don’t know, you keep doing the same thing over and over. When you do know, you create an awareness that can be the catalyst for the biggest changes in your life. Like I said before, I wasn’t taught any of these principles growing up, but I’m grateful that I was curious enough to start the search!

Learning Is Lifelong and Curiosity is Everything…

Around 2015, when I was at my wits end and so miserable I didn’t know how I would go on, I remember falling to my knees and asking for help. Looking back, I can see very clearly how things started slowly changing. I read a book which led me to find Abraham Hicks, which led me to discover many more teachers that have helped me so much along my path. I can clearly remember hearing Ester Hicks say “you create your own reality” and that phrase made perfect sense. I had to create the life I wanted…it wasn’t going to just happen. I had to be curious enough to learn more, to try things out, to be open to new ways of doing things. Of course, things didn’t change immediately, but something in my mind and in my heart changed and that was the beginning…the spark. Today, there are so many things I still want to learn and understand and it’s exciting to keep growing and being curious!

Confidence is Courage Compounded…

I cannot take credit for that statement, I’ll give my mentor Melanie Ann Layer the credit, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it’s true! The more you step out in courage, even when you’re scared, the more confident you become. Our egos offer a false sense of protection and try to talk us out of things that aren’t familiar. When we learn to feel the fear, step into the unknown and do the thing anyway, confidence comes more quickly. And the more you step, the more confident you become.

People Will Talk…People Will Talk

Someone is going to have an opinion no matter what you do so you may as well do what makes your heart sing and let them talk!

Self Love Is the Most Important Thing

And…the hardest thing at times.

In my life, until I was in my late 40s, I never heard anyone talk about self love! I heard other’s talk about people who thought they were “too good”, or people who thought they were better than others, but that’s not what I’m talking about here!

Last summer, I had someone argue this point with me and it was very disheartening. If we are creative expressions of the Source of all things, we are responsible for letting our lights shine (that is God within us). If we doubt that we’re good enough and dim our light, the world doesn’t experience our gifts, which come from God and are part of us. Self love is knowing that nurturing ourselves and seeing ourselves as unique expressions of God is our gift to the world.

It’s taken me so long to get to the point where I really love who I am most of the time. I still mess up and let my ego take over, but when I’m aligned and doing the work I know I was put here to do, I feel so good! Just imagine what the world would look like if everyone followed their God given passions, knew about their authentic power, stayed curious, was passionate about learning and believed in their responsibility to shine! That’s the world I want to live in and I believe that one person at a time we can create that!

Let’s teach our children and grandchildren at a young age how fabulous they are and that their interests and desires are there for a reason! Let’s teach them that they have the power to make a difference just by being who they are. Maybe then, life will be easier!

Mind your mind…because, one thought can create a feeling, which can create a desire. And…if you act on that desire, it can change your life. Don’t waste your time thinking about all the things you’ve already thought about…keep the good memories, take the lessons and then…think a new thought! Let that thought guide you to a new place and make more memories! Live life on purpose! The End!

[finsterhund]

I really thought today's Bad Batch episode was gonna have an "evil bones never come here, fucking ruined everything by running your mouth" moment in the form of "surprise it's a volcano" to the point that I kept going like "haha Pompeii simulator" to Scott (he watches also) but we got "that one moon from Interstellar" equivalent instead 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

I had been blissfully ignorant to the fact that it was an island until it became impossible to ignore.

Moving past the subject of things that terrify the snot out of me, this episode really exemplifies how and why I relate to Omega and the rest of clone force 99 so much. No concept of relaxation or living a normal life, no home, always having to keep your guard up from constant threats and always on the move, relationships are built in part by traumabonding. Omega doesn't have the opportunity to be a kid. It's that CPTSD experience. Fictional combat PTSD is always super relatable to domestic PTSD in real life. Adults will be like "Omega needs a normal life and to get to grow up being a kid" but are pretty much powerless to give that life to her because of the sheer magnitude of the circumstances. It's through no fault or neglect of the Bad Batch that they can't give her that life, it's a life barred from them too but they're still trying everything they can do to be there for each other. And I love how this show really explores how the clones are being treated like broken old tools to be discarded and it doesn't shy away from that. The one dipshit imperial in the Crosshair episode being a prime example. Because yeah people who use others will just discard them when they can't anymore and it's important we show kids that this happens but that it's also wrong and it's something to fight against. That it's a symptom of fascist ideology and a broken system and not intrinsic to human nature.

Idk I can ramble on forever but I'm gonna stop myself.

Seeing them accepted and feeling comfortable in this secret place that totally won't get raided by the Empire next episode made me feel so happy and cozy. I really hope they get to catch a break for at least a little while. God I have grown so attached to this family of one kid and a pack of dads.

Why couldn't Disney have made movies about rogue clones post order 66 instead of "everybody's offspring does some bullshit, it's like repeating the original trilogy but not as heartfelt." Man.

Haven't watched today's Mando episode yet. Gonna take Scott out and get back to the art research I've been doing thanks to my ADHD meds first. I really hope I'll have something to show for it by the end.

Get paid in a week. If all goes well I'm buying myself something special this paycheck.

[deaths-wife]

**Fruits basket (2019) ending spoilers!!**

I iwas. i was nOT prepared for the ending of fruits basket. The speech Tohru's mom gives in the death flashback?? about living and growing old?? the fact Kyo watched her die??? oh my god Akitos arc?? she was so lonely that whole time?? every single character in that goddamn show has. so much. trauma. send them ALL to therapy PLEASE. I kin Isuzu which is. honestly worrying. and specifically in that scene where she finally accepts Tohru's help and just??? sobs on her????? wow. WOW. AND MOMIJI!!! I honestly wasnt prepared for him to grow up so much in s3 like physically and mentally that poor lil bunny :(( there was a serious lack of Uo-chan and Hanajima in s3 tho ngl bc i absolutely adore those two bitches (Uotani reminds me a lot of Beidou from GI i think bc of the hair, voice, and bad bih attitude so my sapphic ass dEFINITELY has a type oops)

anyway im so glad that everyone got their happy endings but. ngl that show has forever changed me and i will forever love it and ill miss that ill never get to watch it for the first time again. everyone in it grew so much, helped eachother, forgave people, it even addresses when Isuzu doesnt want to forgive Akito when most of the other Sohmas do (understandably, Akito damaged her SO much)

anyway have some of my favourite fruits basket quotes:

"Sure, the idea of forgetting does make me sad- but if that's what it takes, I'll grin and bear it... I do have one thing to ask you- if I forget you, please befriend me again?" - Tohru Honda, S1E2

"People like me cling to kind people. We seek them out. We leech them dry. That’s why I won’t involve anyone else in this. It’s better if I go it alone. I’ll keep running alone. Nobody has to understand me. It’s easier if they hate me. It’s better if I’m all alone. That’s what I decided, and I intend to stick with it. I decided I wouldn’t cry." - Isuzu (Rin) Sohma, ?

"I hate this. This is why I didn't want to get near her. She's that type of person. The type of person who makes me feel this. I wanted to burst into tears. I wanted to run to her, let myself lie in her lap- and surrender my heart to her. I wanted to whine and complain about my weakness. I couldn't do that. People like me lean on, yearn for- and take advantage of kind people.. I'm sorry! I'm going to lean on you- I'm so powerless- I'm so weak. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know!" - Isuzu (Rin) Sohma, S2E19

"It's scary to be by yourself. It's scary to be- on your own." - (to Isuzu) Tohru Honda, S2E19

"Come on carrots, I don't get what you are so embarrassed about. It's not like I'm asking you to pick up panties for her or something. Jeez." - best girl Uotani :3, ?

"When somebody is important to you, there are times where it can be hard, times when where they may feel lonely… but in the end, it's worth it. Happier, sad, together or apart, my weakness will always be.. Tohru." - best girl Hanajima <3, S1E21

"Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away, despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner, hope will return to you. Again and again." - Kazuma (Senpai/Master) Sohma, ?

"Even if the world doesn’t need us, we live for the people who do." - Kyoko Honda, ?

"I never thought I’d be praised. I never thought that day would come. I’m imperfect, warped, defective…and yet here is someone who’s praising me." - Machi Kuragi, ?

"If I keep trying, then someday… I’ll be strong enough that those memories can’t defeat me. I want to believe that there’s no such thing as a memory that’s okay to forget." - Momiji Sohma, ?

"I knew it. I knew it all along. Just as there’s rejection in this world, there are people who will reach out to you." - Kyo Sohma, ?

"When did I start thinking stupid, sappy things like that? And why? It's almost like… I'm…" - Kyo Sohma, S2E9

"She must have known that if she let go… I would never return. If I slipped through her hands, I'd be gone. And no one would be able to bring me back. She didn't erase all my pain or offer to solve all of my problems. She didn't fix everything that was broken. But that's not what I needed anyway. Not really. What mattered most was that… she stayed." - Kyo Sohma, S2E9

"I wish I could’ve lived my life without making any wrong turns. But that’s impossible. A path like that doesn’t exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time, we push forward. It’s all we can do. On our own two feet." - Yuki Sohma, ?

"I think it’s true what they say…crying, unexpectedly, does make you feel better. Without shame, like a child. When you get older, you forget about that. It’s not easy to have a good cry anymore." - Hatori Sohma, ?

"You've been sad- miserable- and so very lonely." - (to Akito) Tohru Honda, S3E9

"No- I'm scared! I don't want this! I was promised- so much more! This world- where no one needs me, where everyone's a stranger- I don't want it... No! It's too late! Don't you understand that? This world is unrecognisable. There are no promises, or bonds- no hope of eternity. I'm scared. I can't live surrounded by strangers- alone. Without any guarantee that- I'll be loved? I can't." - Akito Sohma, S3E9

"The second I cry, you'll decide you've had enough. If I complain, you'll get mad. You'll stop liking me- and throw me out of your life!" - (to Tohru) Akito Sohma, S3E9

"Akito- please, don't cry. It's alright. Everything's alright, the scary times are over. You made it." - Tohru Honda, S3E9

"I'm begging you please, do what I cant. Protect my baby girl... Sorry, honey. I guess this is goodbye. I have to go- but I pray that you'll be happy. I pray that your years will be full of people who love you. Live the kind of life you can be proud of in the end. Even if you make mistakes, or take the long way around. Live so that- when it's your time to go- people will say; "You fought well." Have lots of happy times, and sad times, and everything in-between. That's how I want you to grow old." - Kyoko Honda, S3E12

ok thats it, promise.

ik like no one will read this post so its mostly for myself but if anyone out there in the void also enjoys fruits basket- pls take this offering xoxo

[spacejellyfish3]

the utena show’s ending is extremely powerful on its own yes but utena’s final apology? to anthy of not being able to be her prince in the end never stuck right with me. and I think that’s cause in a sense it’s still centering the prince as important, as aspirational, that maybe it could have been a better ending for them—that utena could’ve survived if she were her prince. and of course I might be reaching with that possibly probably but I still wanted to air that opinion out (maybe someone else has similar misgivings as I do and can expand on it so there).

but the real problem for me is that show anthy still very much places utena as a savior figure, as her “prince”. while I live for anthy’s savage verbal takedown of akio as a powerless coward trapped in a Sisyphean game of pretend for all eternity but even so she herself is still shown to subscribe to the dogma of the heroic prince. even visually anthy’s idealization of utena is displayed with her dressed in pink. this visual marker is carried over into the movie with anthy’s bridal gown changing from red (which makes sense since anthy is indian coded and an indian bride’s sari is traditionally red) to white and pink, connoting her as utena’s princess.

movie anthy’s placement of utena onto a pedestal of princehood also often extends beyond subtext and into the text itself, a key example being the scene right before utena’s famed car wash makeover where anthy says “you’re the prince of the academy now, every miracle and all eternity is yours…so long as you stay in this world.” anthy believes that you can only exercise power, have power, be happy, be free within the system, and it’s important to note that there is very much truth in that notion but this power I’m referring to is that of self actualization, the power of maturity. yet…utena rejects that noise, she says no, she says fuck that let’s go be free in the outside world.

if the show is about breaking away from the confines of abuse, then the movie is about breaking away from the confines of trauma. it’s extremely powerful when anthy takes the steps out of ohtori; it’s hard even just to find the strength to leave an abusive situation let alone actively do it. but the pain remains, trauma doesn’t disappear it’s haunting it’s ghostly sometimes literally manifesting. both movie utena and anthy are hounded and bound to apparitions they’ve forgotten are actually dead.

touga died years ago sacrificing himself for nothing in the end and became princely an ideal to strive for and utena has to come to grips with that and she basically says no you don’t control me my grief my trauma does not control me thank you for being my prince but I can’t be a prince I don’t want to be it’s not real

anthy is real

I am real

akio is abuse he is torment and toxicity he is anthy’s monster, maybe a monster that she created once upon a time but he chose to perpetuate his monstrosity. and when confronted with his actions he couldn’t face it he hurt her more made it her fault for the hurt he caused her and he died he’s dead he’s gone but he remains in the ground anthy buried him beneath the roses. the rose garden is a prison she is the only one held captive by the roses and it grows up up high up but it’s still there the roses remain he’s still there in her mind and he’ll never leave but he’s not in control. he’s dead, he’s been dead for so long he remains but he’s not real and he’s no prince because the prince was a lie that never existed it’s not real

utena is real

I am real

and they blaze past everything. there are obstacles but there are friends too who aren’t there yet but they’re on the path they’re trying they’re growing they have high goals they want to reach and someday they will but you can now. it’s anthy’s story it’s anthy journey and it’s hard of course it’s hard

but they break free. they break the castle so huge so big so impossible but it wasn’t real

it’s just rose petals flying in the wind

akio doesn’t control her and though it might be so that she and utena can’t make it outside, that they have to continue as princesses stuck in the role that people give them but they don’t have power over them, they’re free and no longer draped in any costume or performance, they’re truth out of her well to shame mankind and that’s fucking awesome. they might not make it, they might fail like the broken down husks of those who came before them, but they can try they’re free to try. they have the power to try. to revolutionize the world. to revolutionize their world.

“the outside world has no roads, but you can always build new roads.”

I binged the entire series and the movie last year around March maybe, sometime right before quarantine…and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, analyzing it, since. I’m pretty sure it radicalized me and honestly I’m glad it did. revolutionary girl utena speaks truth to power and exists as a creative work in a way that I don’t think anything else has or will. it’s fundamentally itself but simultaneously thrives on external interpretation. it’s both an enigma wrapped in a mystery and as obvious and unsubtle as a trainwreck. above is my favorite quote of the entire franchise because it’s so simple but so profound—you could say it’s my equivalent of “what is grief if not love persevering”.

there are no roads to follow, but you’re open to build your own path your own way. no one defines you but you and that’s simple that’s kinda naive but what’s wrong with that. I’m not sure who originally said this or stated this proverb or whatever, I know I read it somewhere but I’m not sure where, and I’m definitely paraphrasing but

adults are so quick to say the world is unfair and be done with it, but a child would look at that and say: why not make it fair? that’s really simple and it’s innocent of course but it’s still true. why can’t we make things fair, because we definitely could it’s not impossible.

I’m not sure how to end this post—I definitely should cause it’s plenty long already—but rgu is highly foundational to me on a visceral level. it’s helped me in ways shifted me in ways I can’t describe and I can’t really imagine myself now existing without its influence. the best way I could describe its impact its power its importance really boils down to

the outside world has no roads, but you can always build new roads.

words to live by.