#its like i forget every morning
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this is an everyday occurrence for me. 😂
crazy how that stuff works
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Ty for 400!
It may be 1:30am, but honestly, I just felt like I wanted to write this. Thank you for 400 followers!! That's crazy. I'm super thankful, and honestly, it means a lot to me! <3 super excited for more to come, I hope my moodboards rn are up to standards!
I'm not tagging anyone this time since I don't want to disturb everyone every time I write one of these. Just know all my mooties and idols r amazing, and I love them. You guys know who you are, ily 💕
Just a boring text post for this milestone post cuz I can't be bothered rn ahh
Teeny Itty bitty vent in tags since I can't get my life tghtr rn erm! Don't feel pressured to read it, idrc ig?? 😭😭
#lil vent i will most def regret in the morning#im not quitting just tired ig? social media and my lack of motivation r just dragging me thru the mud brutally and thats why im slow postin#i literally cannot handle seeing pepple from discord that despise me from when i used to gossip and a bunch of stuff on there#im gonna prob delete the song req stuff in my inbox. im so done w it. js like the event prizes#i want to still provide the full prizes#but its so much work and im unmotivated so ill do it eventually :(#i dont rlly think ill makr an event anyrime soon cuz it kind sucks aaahh#my moots nd friends on here the only reason i havent quit bc im burnt out by myself i only live off the interactions i have on here#i dont know what else to say i just wanna like forget any accounts on anywhere from me every existed cuz im not a good decision maker at al#i'll be normal in the morning probably hahaaha#tysm for the support anyway
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having to explain to people things like. if i have to go out to do something and run errands i need to have it all mapped out and planned w like. at least a week in advance. and if i go out that day i cannot do anything else because That will be it. if i have multiple commitments that cannot be put on the same day i need one full day in between those commitments so i can rest and be recharged for that next thing otherwise i might have a breakdown in the middle of the street (again) and then That will render me unable to function for like a whole three days. and then people look at me like i choose to live like this?
#txt#audhd tag#just venting a little#its crazy because ppl around me are like I understand your limitations However why dont you-#So you dont understand my limitations?#like okay yeah i understand that it must be Weird for people that are not Inside my brain and hard to understand that i PHYSICALLY CANNOT>#do things that they dont even think about. alright! but to sit and tell me Yeah we get it! but then try to either fix it or >#> come up w a New Incredible Way To Fix Me as if half of what i talk abt w my therapist isnt Exactly This#like yeah i dont fucking like it either. i wish i could do shit like other ppl do. i wish i could remember things.#i wish i didnt feel exhausted all the time i wish simply leaving my bed wasnt the most difficult task every single morning#but it pisses me OFF when people try to talk me through these Limitations i have that They Understand<3 like. can you be accommodating or no#one of my closest friends and oldest friends since i was like 5 had her bday on friday and she ljterally messaged me like#Hi we r having something w my family but theyre rly loud and extremist on the right wing side and i barely wanna be here u dont have 2 come>#> but i wanted to invite u anyway so u dont think ur being left out! and i was like Yayy nice thank u bc lbr i probably wouldnt go anyway.#and she KNOWS that. and she literally was talking to me like she alwahs does and That felt accommodating and understanding and i felt loved#cut to my mom last night trying to make me feel guilty for not going because Shes my friend and i should have gone anyway.#i told her off and she backtracked but thats still innmy head like. that shit is so irritating#okay sorry vent over im just aboht to get my period so this is making me sick#want to yell into the void and forget about it. Hits post
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yknow what ive seen a lot of "gaster and chara fucking hated each other" headcanons but ive seen very little of the opposite. which to me is kinda sad bc imo its a better, more fun interpretation.
i like to imagine gaster looked at this hurt, traumatized child and saw a bit of himself in them. and so he offered them advice.
yall know the smile theory? that smiling make monsters stronger in a way? that it can stave off death, even if for a short while, etc? that *thats* the significance of it, the reason why its so tied to gaster? that could very well be the reason chara is known for their smile, too.
i nean- theyre a child who was so badly hurt they were practically obsessed with the concept of finality—a state in which they are too powerful to be hurt by anyone. i can see them not smiling almost at all when they first fell (what is there to smile about?) until they hear from gaster that a smile is protection. when you smile, others cant hurt you as bad. a smile is like armor. he smiles to stay safe because he knows all thats out there, all thats capable of harm.
and from then on chara smiles no matter what. they smile and laugh through the wordt moments. because they know now this is their armor. their protection.
i rhink they would admire gaster. his efforts for monsterkind, his advice to them. i think theyd see him as someone trustworthy (in my own personal headcanon, he knew about their and asriels plan. not fully, i mean, but he knew the lengths chara could go to. and the only reason he knew was because he would do the same. chara told him because they saw a kindred spirit)
i like to think gaster is crushed post charas death. i also like to think that, if chara remembers gaster after their "revival", *then* they would have issues. we know nothing about gaster canonically, sure, but in my own headcanon and theory world, the things he does make less and kess sense to chara, align less with their worldview and their beliefs. and only then do they clash with him. because at first he was someone they genuinely loved, someone they admired.
anyway, i think gaster thought of them almost as family. he cared for them deeply, always ready to give advice or comfort or teach them or. really anything. they would sit and talk for hours about the world and their personal philosophies and findings. i want gaster, like the dreemurrs, to be part of the loving world chara never got to experience on the surface rather than yet another enemy. you know?
#might be a lil disjointed its like 5 am#i generally think of gaster as someone with a lot of love to give. its not that he cant hate. he just. feels its better to love#and he loves this child as his own. and asriel too ofc. i think those two called him uncle#and hed let them play in his lab (supervised n away from dangerous shit)#and when their parents told them they couldnt do that anymore hed stabd in the open doorway and go#“oh no. the door is wide open. i sure do hope no children go through this wide open door into my lab. gosh that would be horrible”#and theyd giggle and go through and hed cover for them every time#i like to rhink he taught chara piano#i think they talked a lot about humanity. i think he saw the war and therefore chara does t understand how he can be so nice to them#theyre human. doesnt he hate humanity? doesnt he hate what they did to him? to all monsterkind?#and he shakes his head and says those who did those things are no longer alive. it would be wrong to blame a people with no memory of a war#for its existence and its consequences. and even those who started it he barely blames. he knows what fear can do#chara doesnt understand how someone could be sk devoid of anger and of hatred and gaster tries to show them such things sre not necessary#anyway yeah i think they have long and deep conversations. which is kinda funny when you consider#gaster is (at the time) the smartest monster in the underground. authority on all things scientific and having live through years innumerabl#and his conversation partner is like. 10#he respects them nonetheless and its so foreign to them. and they love their conversations even if they dont agree#because they are allowed to state beliefs without being hurt for it#anyway i gotta stop yapping i needa sleep#undertale#chara undertale#gaster undertale#finking#i feel like im forgetting to tag smthn. if i am ig ill lament that in the morning or smthn
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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Had an ADHD assessment a few years ago and the fuckwit that assessed me said, as a direct quote, "You're too smart to have ADHD." Like that's not any type of paraphrasing, that stupid fucking statement is burned in my brain forever and has been since I heard it.
I talked to my psychiatrist about getting a referral to a different psychologist for assessment, and she agreed and sent it in.
Today I got a call that said they don't agree that I need reassessment, and I'm welcome to pursue it elsewhere, but they won't provide reassessment. Which is just.
I don't even know where to start with that one. I just needed to get it out. I'm so tired.
#'we really dont think youre adhd so were not even going to let you pay to check again'#WHAT#thats an option?#they can just say that they really dont think its a problem for me so they wont waste their time?#the first fuckwit that assessed me said im too fucking smart to have adhd!!#thats not a fucking compliment and every professional ive spoken to since then has said 'yesh thats not right tey for reassessment'#i just had to write this down because#this morning i was showering before work and they called me and left a message#so i checked the message right before work cuz i saw it was them and i assumed they wanted to set up the reassessment#because i got a referral. but theur message literally just said that bullshit#and because it was right before work i had to pack that away#because trying to deal with that in addition to a shift at fucking mcdonalds wouldve killed me#but because i set it aside i just keep forgetting about it. so i needed to write this down to remind myself#that this is my life and this is the bullshit i get to deal with in this life#im so tired. i dont even know what to say here. what to think or anything#'youre too smart to have adhd. we're so sure of that that we're not gonna check again. waste someone else's time. bye!'#i wish the world worked the way healthcare 'professionals' think it works#what a beautiful world it would be. you could lose weight just by trying and when you lose weight all of your health problems disappear!#you cant have any mental health problems if you are smart or seem kinda normal or are a woman#i am resisting the urge to. i don't even know. i want to do something angry and destructive but i don't even care#at least now i dont have to drive two hours and pay $160 just to be told that i am too smart to have problems#and actually all of my problems are due to my anxiety and the fact that im female#god i wish that was the case. ill go on t if it makes my problems valid. would you like that?#what do i have to do to convince people i have problems? i will fully physically transition to be taken more seriously#would that help?? would that fucking help???????????????#anyway. i was about to say i wish i wasnt mentally ill. but i dont#being mentally ill is chill. its like a roommate that lives up there and weve lived together awhile so its chill#the only problem are the idiots they pay to deal with mental illness. at this point i dont think they have qualifications#theyre just bringing in men off the street. and theyre the real problem. goodnight folks#dont have the audacity to be mentally ill in this economy. its not worth it
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Get out of here you heathen!
light began to filter through the trees, the rising sun growing brighter and brighter each passing moment. the world was mostly still asleep, except for those few early birds including this lovely little bakery.
"kiki honey, could you check on the sourdough loaves, they should be done now" sayaka calls out across their small establishment.
"in a minute natto, im trying to get these croissants rolled perfectly!" toge yells back, tongue sticking out in concentration as he meticulously rolls up the dough.
"i don't know why you're always so determined to make the perfect croissant, people enjoy the homemade look you know" sayaka can't help but sigh fondly and roll her eyes at the other.
"you'll never understand my pursuit of perfection, just admit it already, you're content being an amateur!" he boasts, tone light with amusement.
"yeah yeah whatever you say you croissant visionary" sayaka crosses the kitchen to take out the sourdough herself, not wanting it to burn. in a blur of baking and bickering, they are soon ready to open up shop. after a small argument over who gets to flip the sign, which toge won much to sayaka's chagrin, they are open for business!
"goooooood morning wonderful people! ive come to get my usual spicy noodle doughnut!" bursting though the door, same time as always, is one of their usual customers.
"we don't have those you numbskull, stop asking for them!" sayaka automatically shoots him down, used to his incessant insistence for one.
"why are your combos always so gross yuuji?" toge's disgusted face says it all as he joins them from the kitchen.
"well you guys are just lame that you never have them" he pouts, crossing his arms dramatically.
"get the man his fruit tart and sandwich would you kiki" sayaka, unrelenting in the face of his doe eyes, continues to stock the display case. in no time yuuji is settled at a table with his food, watching the couple bustle around setting up last minute things for the day. "so yuu, what are you doing after work today?" sayaka askes joining him at the table with a cup of steaming coffee.
"im going to visit megs down at florist to grab a late lunch but after that i'm wide open!" yuuji explains, a happy glint in his eyes.
"well would you like to catch a moive with me? i heard they're showing a sequel of that one movie we watched last week" she offers, a mischievous look in her eyes.
"you mean that one star shit movie we randomly found? there's a sequel?? im totally in, i need to see how this is gonna end" he immediately agrees, nodding sagely as he does.
"sweet! i'll pick you up at 6:30 then, be ready!" standing up she points at him knowingly before retreating back behind the counter as another customer walks in.
"you got it boss, see you then!" yuuji sends her a salute, which she rolls her eyes at, before he's slipping out the door to go to his own job.
the movie was terrible by the way, just the way they like it. and they might have made fun of it the whole way home.
#inumaki toge#inumaki x oc#sayaka#togoldlilya#to: sayaka#itadori yuuji#lapslock intended#collage by me#my loves#bakery au#tried something new this time!#i think they could run a sick bakery#toge and saya bicker like every morning lol#dont burn the sourdough again toge!!!#he is the croissant master though#don't you forget#saya and yuuji love to watch bad movies#its a hobby of theirs#in every universe they are best friends#toge likes to join them sometimes#its fun to make fun of stuff after all#they totally have inside jokes after this#their bakery menu would be so good#mmmm im hungry for a fruit tart now#not bated#dwdw#inumura au
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theres no better place for my ichi ringtone to go off than during my exam tbh
#snap chats#i DO NOT want to talk about my exam <- is gonna talk about it#i get bad physiological reactions to tests itd be hilarious if it wasnt annoying#i hate taking tests cause ill know the answers 100% but then i go to take the official test and i 👁️👁️ i forget literally everything#LIKE AS IM FILLING IN THE ANSWERS I KNOW ITS WRONG BUT MY BRAIN JUTS REFUSES TO PUT THE RIGHT ONE#I REMEMBER THE INFO I JUST CANT PUT THEM IN THE RIGHT SPOTS I GET SO NERVOUS AND FOR WHAT i hate tests.#theres nothing i can do tests have been my bane for years and ill just have to live with my educators thinking im stupid <- i am#anyway. during my exam yeah. quiet-ass room and then you hear my dork-ass ringtone go off like HELP I WAS JUST 👁️👁️#now the whole classroom knows youre a dweeb. jk no one at my school knows rgg its fine#anyway im upset and im fighting every demon telling me to go to the bar and get a drink#NO. BAD SNAP. BAD COPING MECHANISM. YOU ALSO HAVE NO MONEY ENOUGH#i have my last class of the day in twenty minutes i wanna curl up in a ball instead but thats not how life works now is it so BYE#wait can i talk bout my morning cause it was goofy#i called up my doc to get my DRUGS refilled and she was lookin over my doc like#'my man you have too much testosterone' My Sister In Christ No The Fuck I Don't LMAO if i hear one more 'sorry ma'am' i just might lose it#funny world innit.. ok my class starting soon thats all i wanted to share LMAO BYE
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I love it when i accidentally stay up on the night im supposed to be catching up on sleep it totallly doesnt make me feel horrible all week long
#talk post#i love this blog i want to live here#I cant!!! i just cant!!! go to bed at a normal fucking time istg#but noooooo the wild grinders wiki no some stupid bullshit no one has ever cared about before#WHEN I DONT GET ENOUGH SLEEP MY MENTAL HEALTH GETS WAY WORSE!!!!! IF I DONT FIX IT WE ARE GOING TO GET TOO SILLY#(yelling at a mirror)#seriously bothers me tho that Im always worried about how intense my negative feelings have been lately#and im like “oh ill just get more sleep” and then immediately fuck it up the next night making me tired all week#making me feel SO bad in the mornings and at night and increasing my paranoia and other such thoughts#and in trying to tune it all out just forget about it again leading to me fucking it up again#this is a bit dramatic its only happened 2 weeks in a row#but that feels like a lot because thats like 10 nights where i felt like i blinked and i had to wake up and go to school#and not only deal with my shitty social skills but the results of said thing#and also try to fight the thoughts that are like “this shits pointless im not doing this” LIKE PLEASE pretend to be normal for one year#and also that one teacher i have who demands every students attention while he teaches like i already finished the work sheet shut it#like i do well in that class just let me do what i want im not being distracting like girl i have at least an 87 dw about me#PLUS most of the time im not even on my phone he just really wants me to look at the board but girl as i said I ALREADY DID WHATS ON THERE#i feel like i never get to relax but i do all the time so i dont know what i mean#i keep saying “its ok as long as i can bury all my thoughts and just keep going while filling what free time i have with things i enjoy”#but things only work for so long#i hate the passage of time#anyawy erm wrong my guitar is in my mind (stupid ass guitar riff)#walks over to my bed and trips on the way falling asleep on the floor#ramble#hit post
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god that "morning people are an oppressive class" post annoys me in some way i cant. quite. ugh
#toy txt post#it doesnt feel quite right to me...........#maybe im just a Morning Person. lol. lmao even#idk how much that is true vs in high school i felt very much like a morning person bc#i was taking my adderall with coffee and then it would all wear off right at the end of the day and id crash soooo hard and have like.#anxiety attacks every night and just be generally overstimulated and irritable as hell#which is mostly managed now by me trying to be smarter about caffeine consumption (amount + when) and on a lower dose of adderall#but it does feel like a lot of that shit mentioned would be adequately covered by like. being able to take time off work to go to the#doctor etc. idk#im half joking these days when i ID as a morning person but legally none of you are allowed to get up my ass about it🔪#bc of the nocturnal bullshit i pulled on second shift for like 3yrs after everything around me decided to start closing early after the#pandemic hit even tho theyve re lifted every other miniscule precaution they ever enforced#probably bc no one wants to work night shift at the grocery store for like 12$ an hour. fucking offer better pay idiots#god even when i was a package handler working the super inconvenient hours of 3am-like. 9. 10am(inconvenient my ass that was ideal hours.)#the main reasons ppl left for other jobs: hours suck and they got offered better pay. they cant adjust the hours. so they shouldve#increased the pay to retain. and maybe have more structured start and end times that were less up in the air#like all the drivers leave at 9am so if theres anything left on the truck thatll be for tomorrow. since that fuckin happened anyway. idk.#honestly wouldve been more important to me to have consistent start times cos thats one of the things that pissed me off about that job was#like youd go in and before you left youd have to ask what the start time would be tomorrow cos they kept jumping all over the place by like#15min increments and like its once thing to do it on occasion to try to deal with like Bad Weather but it was like fucking Daily#and sometimes theyd write it on the little whiteboard. but sometimes they wouldnt. and sometimes theyd write it on the little whiteboard#and leave it up there forget to erase it and it would still be there but they told you as you walked out actually its not 4:30 tmrrw its 3#idk. i know the main real reason i miss it is cause it was part time and the day ended at like 9am usually
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i say this every single time i take my meds. but its crazy how adderall fixes me
#EVERY TIMEEEEEEEEE WHEN WILL I LEARN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#every time i have a weekend where i sleep in late -> forget to take my meds bc i usually take them in the morning-> go into a slump of#not getting out of bed/not doing chores etc etc -> feel like shit bc im not taking care of myself -> thinking I'll be like this forever#-> remember i have medication to take -> one hour later im like. Okie Let's Take Care Of The Things I Need To Do ^_^#ITS CRAZY HOW IT WORKS. EVERY TIME. I LOVE PHARMACEUTICALS#emily.docx
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hey so um aside from like, art posts i want to take another break from this site a bit. ive been fucking rotting my brain with it and wasting my time there constantly checking in and yeah thats fucking unhealthy im wasting my time and making my already horrid attention span even worse. if anything im on discord most of the time even if i dont respond right away. if you notice me like, late night posting when im tired feel free to send me a friendly ask to remind me and nudge me off but ill try to not let that happen.
ive also been slipping into bad thoughts on occasion again and i barely caught myself impulsively oversharing abt it again - even if i did mention it briefly at some parts i could've been rambling abt it elsewhere or to myself only making me feel worse which...is not good. i gotta get better and before school starts again i wanna get at least the tiniest bit better. this isn't anyone else's fault, just me placing priorities in the wrong places. but um yeah. im still around ofc!!! and i love talking i want to talk about stuff i like a lot!! im very happy to have ppl to talk about club penguin with... but ya ! ill try to not. check in here every 5 fucking seconds on god damn impulse
#like im even more shut in and unfocused on the real world now#which. im almost always im constantly trying to escape reality usually but now its kinda like. bad bad.#and also bc i dont sleep well i constantly feel dazy.#i forget to drink or eat properly sometimes and i feel just horrible and dismissive but#theres other issues here abt that i wont discuss. too personal#you dont need to know that. not like its some dark secret like you dont need to know shit i have going on with my family or whatever#a short break and i already feel like every day is possibly a day wasted...like today#today i promise to myself to go to sleep around 1 am and not 3-4 am#and progress slowly with that#and not beat myself over not being productive/doing what i wanted#today ALL DAY i REALLY wanted to play skyrim but now its too late for it...#i wasted 2 hrs in the morning waiting bc i desperately wanted to avoid talking to a visitor...#its a mess!!!#a lot of it i blame to unmedicated adhd but also me just. not regulating shit well. wrong priorities. and addictive website design lmfao.
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I did so many chores today and it's not even 10am please clap
#i got 10 hours of sleep so maybe going to bed earlier is the smart move. 😬#im like. always a little tired or ready to pass out except for around bed time when i get#well i can get either cranky but unable to sleep OR i get human mental zoomies and restless legs and have to DO SOEMTHIGN NOW DODITDOIEDOIT#any way i feel like crying bcus i had to email my boss and ask for a day off that i usually work like.#p much every day since i started working there ive worked morning on Thursdays but thats the onky day my dr has off#this month before my sleep test so i need to see my doctor to have a form filled out otherwise its like.#300$ for round trip#if i forget the paper work im just going to have to take the bus (and taxis once in london) and cry
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got s excited about getting my f4 card that forgot to take meds. will spend the next working day thinking about magnus archives and wanting to go back before i listened to season 3
#me yapping#i was SO productive yesterday because i took my meds for the first time in forever on weekends#only to forget them compeltely today morning#tma#god i miss not understanding SHIT about tma#dont get me wrong i love every season a lot but there was something about “wtf is going on” in the first two that gets me#i guess it because its the most light hearted in comparison in tone of otehr seasons (yet probably most tragic)#like sasha and tim feel like spring air to me its warm and fresh and pleasant to think about#and later seasons cast feel more like very cold sea breeze#its so more....solemn i guess???#i love them but. take me back to the fluff era and grumpy jon please
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The perusing thru photo gallery strikes again. ! Bad
#got reminded of a halloween party i went 2 with friends#and how they dropped me off back at home early to fuck#and how crushed i was because it was genuinely such a fun night. like i felt so good#because i was like. yay!!! i have friends and im spending time with my friends i love my friends!!!!#and all 3 of us r sitting by the campfire and im pouring my heart out saying how much i valued them#and how much it meant to me to have them in my life as ppl i could be myself around#and just knowing thst the sentiment wasnt reciprocated the same and tht they#at thst point werent really thinking about me anymore is lik#okay. okayg. its fine. im fine about it#i was so embarrassed asking for 10 more minutes there with them. i didnt wanna go but they clearly didnt wsnt me around anymore#every time we hung out after that it only got worse. ogufvhh.#i genuinely think they only invited me out because i was like. idk 'amusing'#but not in a 'you are our friend and are funny and we like having you around'#but like throwing peanuts at a caged circus animal.#one of them did the others makeup. looked real nice#later in the night i asked him to do mine too bc i thought it would be fun/i never play arohnd with makeup#and he doesnt tske it serious. just absolutely fucks my face up with mascara and everything#looking back on that now really cements just how blind i was to how they actually saw me#i was thoroughly duped. fuck my derp life.#ow.err#sorry for diary entry posting again its 1am im tired and i need to write this down so I don't forget it happened to me#maybe ill delete it in the morning and actually writr abt it in my journal idk
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It's amazing how I keep agreeing to do more shit for a job that keeps leaving me so anxious and frustrated I could cry
#like i like one of my managers but she forgot to put my shifts on this weeks schedule. which would be fine because its the same every week#except recently theyve started giving me saturday shifts#and so now im paralyzed with fear that i have a saturday shift i dont know about and have to cancel the date plans i just made and have#started to get excited about. ill text her in the morning but how the fuck do you forget to put one of your staff on the schedule
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