#its just natural for you to pick up other peoples habits and motions

[haveihitanerve]

No okay but you guys don’t understand- the way SFTH bois are always always whether on purpose or not, in sync is everything I’ve ever wanted in life its so fucking cute-

Like when they’re doing expert, obviously the three are trying their best to be together, or mimic the same thing the previous person has gesticulated

But also- when they’re casually sitting in the wings, on opposite sides, watching the main stage, they’ll lean together in sync

They’ll cross their legs at the same time

Sam and Luke push back their hair together

AJ and Luke lean in the same direction when they laugh

Tom and Sam dip their heads to hide a laugh or disappointed at the same time

They follow hand movements, step backwards together, blend and flow around each other with such perfect synchronization you think its scripted

[starchaserdreams]

Erm, hello!

I am an aspiring writer. I have these stories in my head that I love and want to write about. But when I try, it's the absolute worst shit I've ever seen in my life.

Sorry, what I'm trying to ask is, any tips for younger writers who have no idea what they're doing...?

Hi! I have no idea what I'm doing ever, but I'll try to answer as best as I can. I'll start with generic advice, then say what works for me specifically. Sorry this got so long.

We're all kind of fumbling through life. The writing habits that I have have come from three sources:

a) hearing what other people do and building from them. I'm always in one writers group or another (currently I'm in a local writers group, and I'm regularly involved with two different NaNoWriMo groups in November, one locally and one virtually) and I've picked up a lot from them

b) a metric fuckton of trial and error. Because while part (a) is great some of the time, most of the things that work for other people don't work for me. I can't set a strict schedule at the same time everyday. I can't edit for a long time after I write.

c) NaNoWriMo (see link) helped me SO MUCH. I don't think everything can be written that way, but in terms of getting a handle on your own voice, preventing yourself from stopping to edit, and letting the story flow on its own, NaNo is amazing. It's a great starting point. Editing can come later, once the words are done on the page.

If you're unfamiliar, it's a (totally free) event that happens in November every year where everyone tries to write 50,000 words of a brand new novel in the span of one month. That's 1,667 words per day, so there isn't much time to stop and edit as you go. You just keep going. It's a competition against yourself rather than anyone else, to see if you can accomplish the task. It's also a community based event, so you can commiserate with other writers about the bad and celebrate with them about the good.

They have smaller events in April and July, but to really get the feel of it, November is when it's a party (or a rollercoaster, either way). I went to write-ins in cafes, bars, grocery stores, on the subway, etc. The event is a whole vibe, and now they have in person events again (they paused for covid). If you want to stay virtual, they have that too!

And as for what works for me:

1.

This most certainly wouldn't work for everyone, but it's my current strategy:

I think best when I'm in motion. By far. So most of my storyboarding I do while walking or driving, and I dictate into the notes app on my phone.

I do most of my dialogue this way too, because speaking it out loud makes it feel more like a conversation and more natural. I won't dictate the narration, but I'll include action tags. So it comes out like "Anthony: *flings door open, eyes wide* what in blazes are you doing??" (I add punctuation later)

Then when I get home, I often have several thousand words of notes to work from. My notes file for my last fic was 30k words, almost all of which had been dictated. It's a lot. It might sound daunting.

But it was done while out for a walk or drive, so it felt easy and effortless. And then when it came time to actually write, I got 48,000 words of a first draft done in 8 days (about 15k of which was just copy pasted from the outline. The whole time it felt like cheating and using guidelines to write the actual story, but it was all my original work, just done at different times.

2.

Keep writing as an exciting treat rather than a chore.

I've started to create little writers retreats for myself. My friends and I rented an AirBnB for two nights this winter, where the entire goal was reading and writing. Sure there was sitting around the fire talking and eating good food, but we built it up so that the writing was the exciting part. It worked SO WELL. We did writing activities together too, not just staring at a word doc. We did character studies and made little AUs to imagine our characters in.

A friend and I took a six hour road trip for another writers retreat too. We spent the 12 hours (RT) in the car talking about our stories and characters. We'd started with dozens of prompts so we'd have enough material, and we never ran out. Then we took rest stops at gas stations and restaurants and did little 15 minute writing sprints. It really got me fired up. I wrote 6,000 words over the two days of that retreat!

Keeping writing fun can be big things (my sister and I did a writers retreat like that in Hawaii) or little things (I always treat myself to a donut and a coffee on Sunday mornings and then have a leisurely morning in the cafe writing).

I can't say if any of this will work for you, because I can't even say whether it'll still work for *me* in a few years. But I hope it's food for thought!

Anyway this is like one million words long so sorry about that, hope it was interesting.

[amit-ahuja]

Boosting Mental Clarity: How Yoga Helps Sharpen Focus and Calm the Mind

One of the top benefits of joining yoga classes near me is the incredible mental clarity it can bring. In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with the constant flood of information and tasks.

Yoga offers a moment of peace where you can disconnect from the noise and reconnect with your inner self. By focusing on your breath and the movements of your body, you shift your attention away from daily distractions and into the present moment. This practice of mindfulness sharpens your focus, helping you clear mental clutter and think more clearly throughout the day.

The calming effects of yoga also work wonders on stress levels. When you participate in yoga classes near me, you’re taught how to breathe deeply and rhythmically, which activates the body’s relaxation response. This means less tension, fewer headaches, and a clearer mind.

Yoga’s combination of movement and meditation also helps reduce anxiety, making it easier to approach challenges with a calm, collected mindset. Whether you’re dealing with work pressure, personal issues, or simply feeling frazzled, yoga provides a refreshing mental reset that leaves you more centered and focused.

Physical Flexibility Gains: Stretching the Limits of Your Body for Better Health

Let’s face it, most of us aren’t as flexible as we’d like to be. Thankfully, yoga is one of the best ways to gradually increase flexibility.

When you join yoga classes near me, you’ll notice how each session works your muscles and joints, stretching and lengthening them in ways you didn’t think possible. Flexibility isn’t just about being able to touch your toes—it’s about improving your body’s overall range of motion, which leads to better posture, fewer aches and pains, and a reduced risk of injury.

Yoga poses, or asanas, are designed to target different muscle groups, from your hamstrings and hips to your shoulders and spine. As you progress in your practice, you’ll notice that movements that once felt challenging start to come naturally.

This isn’t just about physical change—it’s about becoming more in tune with your body’s capabilities and respecting its limits. With regular practice in yoga classes near me, your flexibility will improve, but so will your balance, coordination, and overall physical confidence.

The beauty of yoga is that there’s no pressure to be “perfect” at it. You progress at your own pace, and everyone’s body is different. What matters most is that you’re making small improvements over time. And the more flexible you become, the easier it will be to perform everyday tasks with ease, from bending over to pick something up to reaching for items on high shelves.

Building a Healthy Routine: Why Consistency in Yoga Enhances Overall Well-Being

Creating a healthy routine is one of the greatest challenges for many people, but yoga can be the anchor that helps you stay consistent. When you commit to regular yoga classes near me, you’re not only setting aside time for your physical health but also for your mental and emotional well-being. The key to seeing lasting benefits from yoga is consistency. It’s not about being perfect every day; it’s about showing up for yourself regularly, whether you’re feeling on top of the world or a little low.

A consistent yoga practice helps regulate your sleep patterns, improve digestion, and boost your energy levels. Yoga’s focus on breath control and relaxation techniques also means that you’ll be better equipped to manage stress and maintain a sense of calm throughout the day. Plus, having a set schedule for your yoga classes gives you something to look forward to. It becomes a part of your routine that you can rely on, providing structure and balance to your week.

As you make yoga a habit, you’ll start to notice the ripple effects it has on other areas of your life. You may find yourself eating healthier, drinking more water, or prioritizing sleep. Yoga promotes mindfulness, and this awareness often leads to more intentional choices that support your overall well-being. So, when you commit to attending yoga classes near me regularly, you’re investing in your long-term health and happiness.

Social Connection Through Yoga: Meeting Like-Minded Individuals in Your Local Community

One of the unexpected perks of joining yoga classes near me is the sense of community it fosters. While yoga is often seen as an individual practice, many people find that it’s also a great way to meet new friends and connect with like-minded individuals. When you attend classes regularly, you begin to see familiar faces, and over time, you build relationships with fellow students and instructors.

There’s something special about sharing a space with people who are all there for similar reasons—whether it’s to de-stress, improve their flexibility, or find a moment of peace in their day. Yoga studios often cultivate a welcoming, inclusive atmosphere where everyone is encouraged to be themselves, no matter their skill level. This sense of belonging can be incredibly motivating, especially when you’re working toward personal goals or trying to stay consistent with your practice.

Beyond the yoga mat, many studios offer social events, workshops, and community gatherings, giving you even more opportunities to connect. You may find yourself forming friendships with people you might not have met otherwise. These connections can be a source of support, encouragement, and inspiration as you continue on your yoga journey. Plus, practicing yoga with others can make the experience more fun and less intimidating—especially if you’re new to it.

Attending yoga classes near me isn’t just about the physical practice; it’s also about being part of a community that values wellness, mindfulness, and self-care. Whether you’re looking for accountability partners, new friends, or simply a welcoming environment, yoga can provide all of that and more.

In summary, the top benefits of joining yoga classes near me go beyond just improving your flexibility. From boosting your mental clarity to fostering a sense of community, yoga offers countless rewards that enhance both your physical and emotional well-being.

As you build a consistent practice, you’ll find that the benefits continue to unfold, leaving you feeling more centered, connected, and healthier overall. So, if you’re ready to stretch your limits—both mentally and physically—consider exploring a local yoga class and see how it can positively transform your life.

[beyondspaceandstars]

The Knife

Relationship: Bucky Barnes x Reader Warnings: SMUT, NSFW, fingering, knifeplay/knife kink, dirty talk, slight degradation, slight metal arm kink, definite finger and hand kink - 18+, minors DNI Summary: Seeing Bucky casually flip and twirl knives really does something for you. And he happily indulges the fantasy. A/N: Alright I’ve never really written a bit of any kind of particular kink but I mean, come on, of course I had to try. I am super aware this is not the most original idea but I still wanted to add my take on it. p.s. i forgot to do an initial tag list portion on this because i am not used to having one but i will fix that for the next lmao i am sorry

Masterlist

You thought you were going to explode as you walked into the kitchen. Standing in the middle there was Bucky mindlessly flipping one of the knives in his hand — of course, it had to be the metal hand — as he cooked dinner, watching the food simmer away.

He looked so casual as he lingered at the stove, twirling the knife between his fingers. He was doing little tricks, tossing it in the air and catching the handle of it perfectly. It was just so effortless — and made you unbelievably wet.

Truly, this wasn’t a super uncommon thing to come home to. As some people bit their nails or played with the ends of their hair, Bucky twirled kitchen knives. While a habit you’ve now come to… appreciate, it certainly startled you the first time he did it. He had thought nothing of it, much like the position he was in now, as he played around with the knife. While the naturalness of his motions was quite a sad habit he had been forced to pick up, he seemed more comfortable with it. Almost treating it like some special talent or party trick. As for you, it was just a fucking turn-on.

You couldn’t pull your eyes away from the knife and your boyfriend’s moving hand as you slipped off your shoes. You placed your purse down gently, slipping off your coat. Bucky turned around as he heard your movement.

"Hey, doll," he greeted you with a warm smile, the knife not stilling. He never missed a beat.

Your words were losing you as you watched him keep up his motions but now he leaned against the kitchen counter, across from you. You had apparently been hypnotized in the motions because Bucky was giving you an odd look, eventually breaking you out of your phase as he asked, "Are you okay?"

You blinked in surprise, forcing your eyes away from the weapon and to his beautiful, concerned face. You gave a small smile. "Yeah, sorry," you chuckled, walking over to the stove to inspect what was on the menu. "Long day," you added, waving a hand in dismissal.

"Yeah?" He hummed. "Something got your mind occupied?"

You picked up a spoon to stir around the vegetables. You were about to respond, trying to shake off your initial feelings when a body was suddenly pressed against your back. You gasped at him, at the surprising force he possessed. He practically towered over you. His breath was heavy as he leaned down, his lips just grazing over your skin. One hand suddenly came to your hip while the other, holding the knife still now, pressed the side of it to your skin. You just about jumped at the sudden action.

"I-I’m fine," you mumbled, trying to ignore the cool metal pressing to your hot skin. Trying to ignore how it went directly to your core. Trying to ignore the god damn wetness pooling —

"What’s got you worked up, baby?" Bucky asked. You could pretty much hear the fake frown he wore, acting all innocent. While you two had never talked about any sort of weapon play, or really many kinks to begin with, he must have seen the lust encompassing your eyes.

As he waited for an answer, Bucky trailed the side of the knife up and down your arm, cautiously and slowly, letting the metal cool you. His other hand gripped your hip tighter. You let out a sigh at his touches, unable to really keep yourself together anymore.

"It’s- It’s the-," you lost your train of thought as Bucky’s free hand came up under your shirt, caressing your side gently. He moved the knife to begin tracing your collarbones obvious by that little bit of neckline skin peeking out from your blouse. It was surprising but earned him a moan from your lips. Bucky chuckled darkly, placing a soft kiss on your neck.

"It’s the knife, isn’t it?" He asked, finishing your sentence for you. There was just a hint of mocking in his tone which didn’t help the wetness still forming between your thighs.

Weakly and just as pathetically, you nodded. It was all you could do — you couldn’t trust your voice.

Bucky seemed to like that as he began pressing on. The hand under your shirt slowly made its way down your torso to the buttoning of your jeans. He popped them free and wasted no time dipping two fingers into you. You yelped at intrusion while he moaned at the wetness soaking his fingers. He pumped them steadily, making little flicking motions every now and then.

The knife on the other hand was still near your neck, making weak little traces, being dragged over your hot skin. Nothing was enough to hurt you and Bucky was sure skilled with quick reflexes, always prepared for the little jolts your body gave as he continued fingering you.

"So wet for me," Bucky mumbled, picking up the thrusting of his fingers. "And all from me twirling a knife. How pathetic, don’t you think? It’s a knife, doll. A weapon. Could slice through anything and yet it turns you on?"

You let out a small whimper as he forced you to fully press against him. Your bodies were practically cemented together. You felt him getting hard making you so desperately want to help him out but there was no way out of this. Your mind was a daze as he never let up with fingering you. The coolness from the knife still rested on your skin sending shameless shivers across your body.

Your orgasm was building up now as his motions picked up. Without much warning, he decided to add his thumb to mix, moving in tight circles on your clit. That forced a surprise moan from you, making Bucky chuckle.

"F-Feels so good," you mumbled, your eyes fluttering close as you leaned your head back to rest it on Bucky’s shoulder.

Exposing more skin for his access, his lips attached to your neck, kissing and nipping at it. The knife now began moving slowly, delicately, down the valley of your breasts and to the rest of your torso. You groaned at the movement, the scandalousness of it. The absolute danger this held but the total trust you had in Bucky.

"Yeah?" Bucky hummed. "What feels good? My fingers?" he gave a rough thrust for emphasis making you jolt. "Or the knife?" The weapon stopped just above where his hands were disappearing into your jeans. You weakly lifted your head and glanced down, really seeing now the sudden contrast between his loving fingers and the haunting knife. It made you nearly lose your mind as you let out a groan, feeling your orgasm just approaching.

"Hmm," Bucky hummed, following your gaze. He seemed to pick up words where you were failing. "I think it’s the knife. I think my dirty girl likes the danger. Likes seeing me handle it. Right, doll? Isn’t that it? That’s what got you soaking my fucking hand?"

You gasped at his words. They were just doing enough for you, borderline too much. You wanted to practically thrust away but that was not happening.

"B-Bucky-," you whimpered. You were right on that edge and Bucky knew it as he picked up the motions. The pressure on your clit from his thumb movements got stronger as his pumping didn’t let up.

"Come on, doll," Bucky’s voice had dropped, almost panting behind you. He was fully turned on but completely consumed with you. "Cum for me, honey." His arms were just barely keeping you standing. Without him, you were crumbling.

Determined to get you just there, Bucky pressed the tip of the knife to your lower stomach. It didn’t do any harm but the action was just thrilling enough that you couldn’t stop yourself. Your orgasm plunged through you as you let out screams full of Bucky’s name and incomprehensible moans.

Your boyfriend was chuckling lowly watching you squirm under his touch. He threw the knife on the counter, fully gripping your hip with his now free metal hand as his fingers and thumb continued working you through the pleasure.

"Please, Bucky — " you groaned, "Too — Too much."

He gave a couple of last pumps, letting your wetness totally coat him, before removing his hand from your pants. You nearly fell forward but Bucky was quick to grab you. As you caught your breath, he went back to planting sweet kisses along your neck.

"That’s it, doll," he mumbled against your skin. "So good for me. So dirty, baby. Getting turned on from my knife…" He let out breathy laughs as you pulled yourself out of your dazed, orgasmic state.

"Don’t-," you chuckled, shaking your head. You were finally thinking clearly again, almost embarrassed by how far you had succumbed to him. All because of a fucking knife.

"Don’t what?" His hands left your body, allowing you to readjust to your regular standing position. As if nothing happened, you turned back to the food still cooking away — luckily not burned. But Bucky wasn’t quick to leave this alone. "Don’t talk about how my girl has a knife kink?"

You gasped, "Bucky!" You shot him a look as he went back to leaning against the counter. His arms were folded, looking so cocky and proud now. That flirty grin was playing his lips as his eyes raked over you, shamelessly. You could still see his erection poking through his pants but you opted to ignore it, turning back to the food. He wasn’t getting anything now if he was going to tease you about what had just happened.

"Why didn’t you tell me, doll?" Bucky finally asked, sounding much nicer.

You refused to look at him again. Your eyes were set on the sautéed vegetables. "It’s just… I don’t know. Figured you’d find it weird or something."

Bucky sighed. A metal hand came to your arm, rubbing gently. "Never think that, honey. I love exploring this stuff with you. I gotta know what my girl likes if I wanna keep her happy, right?" You could tell he was smiling widely at you. His words were making you blush uncontrollably.

You nodded, "I’ll try to remember that."

"Good," Bucky said as he came up behind you again. The motion too familiar from just seconds ago. "Now… Is there any other things that you like I should know about?"

A shiver went down your spine. You glanced at the metal hand laying softly on your hip. "I do wonder about your arm."

"My arm?"

"Mhm," you confirmed. "I wonder if it vibrates."

Bucky let out the wildest, deepest groan. "You’re going to be the death of me."

[ober-affen-geil]

Top ten Autistic experiences as described by me, a self-diagnosed autistic

A list I put together to try to shed some light on some of the ways autistic people think/work. Partially for the allistics out there and partially for people who may suspect they are autistic and are looking for resources to help with self-diagnosis. (Here is a collection of further resources and here is the test I used to self-diagnose.)

Stimming - I don't stim in the “stereotypical” manner (flapping or other obvious hand motions), but I do do it. I mostly stim by running the edge of my earring back against my fingertips in order from thumb to pinky, both sides. I also do it with the fingernails of my opposite hand. I used to run my fingernails along the outer rim of my nostrils in the same order before I got my ears pierced. Singing, humming, and whistling are vocal stims for me, especially whistling (which has unfortunately mostly stopped because of COVID, it’s difficult to whistle through a mask.) I also stim in ways that are maybe familiar to neurotypicals or other neurodivergents since they are common “nervous habits”: bouncing my leg, running my tongue over my teeth, twirling my hair, and tapping my fingertips together in a rhythm. 

Masking - this is maybe tricky to explain or understand, especially since its something I do so naturally I have difficulty figuring out if I'm doing it or not. For me it mostly takes the form of molding myself to the person I'm talking to. I'm "masking" by doing this because I'm performing "normality" in the way the person I'm talking to is most comfortable or familiar with. It's something I picked up without even knowing I was doing it, based on cues from a young age that I was doing something "wrong" by reacting a certain way. "Masking" is every effort that goes into "not doing it wrong" in front of people. This can mean phrasing things in certain ways for certain people, using idioms or phrases you don't fully understand because the other person does, deliberately overreacting from your standpoint to perform emotion you think is wanted from you, or censoring your own initial reaction to something because you know it's not "appropriate". This is mentally and physically exhausting if you do it for a long time or with a lot of people at once. (At the risk of overstepping, I would say that “masking” is very similar to deliberately “passing”; making the choice to lean into someone’s perception of you as a certain race, gender, sexuality, religion, etc, in order to get societal acceptance. In fact I might go so far to call masking “passing for neurotypical”. It is all-consuming, exhausting, and traumatizing.)

Eye contact - for me it's more about...I feel like there's rules that I don't know? I dislike it and it makes me uncomfortable because it feels extremely intimate and I can't "mask" properly while holding it. I also don't know how to hold it “the right way” during casual conversation. I am, however, excellent at staring contests because it does have a firm structure and rules that I understand.

Hyperfixation - just...overwhelming obsession with a specific thing. Could be topic, song, artist, movie, show, actor, animal, whatever it is you feel like you must know everything about it immediately. If you can't find an episode or a book it feels devastating. A song can run on a loop in your head endlessly, and you have zero issues with listening to it again and again. Writing the lyrics down everywhere you can. Envisioning scenarios where you are on a talk/trivia show specifically for your interest.

Patterns - this is most often associated with math, but it applies to everything. For me, it comes out mostly in the arts; analyzing stories for parallels and narrative tropes. I connect things most people don't for some reason, I'm very good at logic puzzles because I know and recognize patterns easily. Finding continuity errors or easter eggs in shows and movies is also something I excel at.

Sensory sensitivity - this applies to. So much. Certain noises grate to the point of physical pain, most consistently for me fire alarms and sirens at close proximity. I have texture sensitivity with my food, I need whatever I'm eating to be mostly homogeneous in texture or it will trigger my gag reflex, literally. That means fruit pies, chunky sauce, fruit in yogurt or baked goods, or specific foods like bananas that have too many textures in them. If it's something like a burger, I need to take the ingredients apart and eat then separately in order to get it down. Physical sensations like fabric texture matter A Lot. But also for me hem edges. I cannot wear three quarter length sleeves or pants, the hemline against my calves or forearms bothers me too much. Physical touch from another person is uncomfortable because it's as if an airhorn is sounding in my ear. I am overtly Aware of every point of contact, the person may as well be saying "arm, arm, arm" directly into my ear at full volume the entire time. (This does not mean I dislike touch, it just means I’m more sensitive to it and I have an easier time if it’s on my terms. To extend the airhorn metaphor, imagine everyone around you sounding them at random vs you holding one and sounding it yourself.)

Change Bad - I don't know how to explain this one other than I Don't Like Change. I dislike being introduced to new music through any method other than "organic" background sound, once I learn a route I can really only drive that one route, things need to be done a Certain Way that I have deemed Correct otherwise I feel uncomfortable, etc.

Social cues - I am actually extremely good at reading cues and body language, partially because I am reliant on them to mask "properly". It also may be one of my fixations, but most of the time I am hyper aware of any cue from the other person that I might need to react to. This may be different for other autistic people of course, depending on their special interests and their ability or inclination to mask. (If this sounds like a trauma response, it is! Masking is traumatic! Fun fact! And it’s constant! I’ve been masking for decades! It fucked me up a bit! Surprise!)

Emotional relateability - there are some things that I just Do Not Understand. I am much more logic based than I've found most people to be; it means that I'm able to offer understanding easily because I am simply not bothered by things that other people might be. In my case, it means people come to me for advice because they feel I can be objective. For others it can result in much more negative consequences or reactions, see the Autistic Robot/Alien Trope for example.

Literalism - I mean this is pretty self explanatory in my opinion. I describe it as not having a "dimmer switch", for me it's either all or nothing. Analog or digital. Whole numbers or infinity. Black and white or every shade of grey possible. And honestly, I'm going to choose the less exhausting option every time. I don't often lie not because I can't, but because I don't see the point in it. I don't often express a sentiment or make a promise that I don't *mean* 100 percent, because what else are promises for? It's really just that simple.

[crguang]

Reincarnation reader with Ajak based off the song past lives kesha

this was insane and i wanted to write more but my brain is fried at the moment😵‍💫 its 8am please forgive the potential mistakes

Memories of you still plagued her mind centuries after your passing. The way your lips would travel along her jaw in a steady but infuriating pace, teasing her patient nature. How you looked in the early morning through her sleep filled eyes, your warm smile still obvious even through the blurriness as she slowly adjusted to the sudden sunlight in the room. The feeling of your fingers on her skin, your touch shy but curious after her heartfelt confession. Moments shared together often replayed in her mind, serving as a cruel reminder that humans were fleeting, enjoyable but impermanent and fragile. She had been warned before. Arishem had told her not to get attached to this planet or its inhabitants, yet here she was, disappointing him for the first time in millions of years. She should have known better. This was her punishment : countless images of the love she held for you paired with the crushing feeling of it ending too soon.

Ajak wasn’t someone to dwell on the past. Her position as the Eternals’ spiritual leader required her to think well into the future and it was something that became a habit in her personal life as well, but at times it felt like the memories of you overpowered all the others, so vivid in her mind she could almost feel your mouth on her cheek before she went to bed, smell your perfume in her home after a long day spent outside, hear your distant laughter whenever she would accidentally cut herself while making dinner. It was intoxicatingly bittersweet. To have lived such memorable years by your side meant the world to her, and she would cling to the ghost of you until it was time for her to leave this planet.

Ajak had picked up a few habits from you and still practiced them so much time later. You were an early riser, sometimes nudging her awake so she would accompany you on your walk. It was something she enjoyed deeply, witnessing life slowly get into motion as the time passed and people finally woke up, your hand holding her securely against the chill winds of the early morning. Ajak decided to keep it up even after you were gone, a fleeting comfort of the instants you shared together, and over the centuries, it just stuck. The town she was currently passing through wasn’t a very big one, and she liked it that way. She didn’t miss the commotions of the city.

The wind on her cheeks felt nice, and so did the occasional background chatter between locals as she passed them, observing the shops and buildings with no real intention of entering any of them. These walks brought her a kind of inner peace that she desperately needed. The sight of what seemed like one of the few coffee shops in town caught her eye because of the cute advertisement of a cat hand drawn on the big window. At least it looked like a cat, it was a bit poorly drawn but adorable nonetheless. Maybe a child made it? The shop looked like a two in one, one part coffeeshop and the other a small bookstore. Ajak checked her watch. The store should be open judging by the schedule on the door, and she was never one to refuse an opportunity to read.

A small bell chimed as she walked in. Her eyes almost lit up when she took in scent of fresh books and pastries. This must be a popular spot during the day, but it was almost completely empty that morning, save for a couple seated at a table, softly conversing with each other as to not disturb the peace. Ajak walked around the shelves, tracing the spines of a few books with her fingers until she found one that looked particularly interesting. She skimmed it, turning the pages with a hum. It was rather thick, so it would last her at least a few days. Settling on buying it, she spent another couple minutes browsing the shelves to satisfy her own curiosity.

She decided to stick with the one book, turning it over in her hands as she walked towards the counter. Her eyes glanced to the various pastries on display behind cleaned glass, debating whether or not she should get one just to taste.

“Sorry, I’ll be there in a second.” The voice came from the back, gentle and soft spoken.

She didn’t mind the wait. It only took a minute before the cashier walked through the back doors to stand behind the counter. They looked up at her with a polite smile and suddenly Ajak was back in that tiny room centuries ago in the middle of the night, when the world was asleep and the sound of your excited chatter was the only thing reaching her ears like the most alluring melody. The thin covers were up to your lap, allowing her a full view of your bare chest and the peculiar birthmark that laid there. A tilt of the cashier’s head in slight confusion at her frozen state and she felt your palm on her stomach as you pouted at her, reproaching her to not be listening.

“Is everything…?”

Her hand in your hair as she kissed you in apology. The lovesick smile on your lips breaking the kiss, the trail of your fingers up to her cheek. Your body warmth spreading to hers when you pulled her impossibly closer. It all came back to her in an instant, freezing her in place and digging up feelings she had buried under layers of blind loyalty for her own sake. It was you, standing in front of her behind that counter, looking at her with a small frown on your lips, talking to her to make sure she was feeling fine. The voice didn’t match, not really, but Ajak would remember your face even if Arishem decided to erase her memories alongside her family’s after the emergence.

“Did you mean to buy that book?” You asked again, glancing to the grip she had on the tome.

Ajak blinked. Recalling her surroundings, she swallowed harshly and put down the book on the counter with a nod. Your name tag had a different name than the one she sometimes called at night. Another look at your features and she hoped biting the inside of her cheek would somehow keep her fingers from shaking. You smiled at her, scanning the item before announcing the price. Ajak couldn’t even thank you as she paid, grabbing the bag you had put the book in seconds ago and walking out the store.

Her eyes shut as soon as she leaned on the wall of the building, a shaky breath escaping her lips. All she could see was the vivid images of you, tormenting her, mocking her, until her hand closed into a fist. God, she had lost it. Memories were one thing but to start seeing you on strangers’ faces… It took her a few minutes but Ajak eventually regained her composure, replacing strands of hair back behind her ears. Walking past the shop again, glancing through the big glass window at your turned back behind the counter, she decided to come back tomorrow and see if she had truly lost her mind.

Ajak could barely sleep that night and when morning came, she tried to still the annoying, loud beating of her chest. It wasn’t like her to be nervous, and she didn’t like the feeling at all. You greeted her when she walked in, neutral expression changing for a welcoming one. Ajak didn’t feel well.

“Oh, hi,” you smiled at her as you arranged the pastries behind the glass. “Did you finish that book already?”

Your tone was teasing. It was a pretty thick book. Ajak matched your smile even if she felt nauseous.

“No, just wanted to try the croissants,” she replied, hoping her voice didn’t sound too unnatural.

“Well, I’ve been told they were some of the best in town. Not to brag.”

That was how it started, with Ajak deciding to extend her stay and visiting the shop almost every day. If she was honest with herself, she considered spending the entire day in that store, pretending to read or snack on the food but this was so much at once. You weren’t the one she fell in love with years ago, of course, that would be impossible. Ajak knew it was you, though. The sparkle in your eyes when she would mention the outdoors, something you had always enjoyed with her, was indistinguishable. She learned a few new things about you as if she was rediscovering who you were. After a few weeks of her talking to you in the mornings, undisturbed by the few customers that were often there, Ajak also knew she wouldn’t be leaving this town anytime soon. And when you laughed loudly at something she said, covering your mouth and glancing around to make sure you didn’t bother anyone, still giggling under your breath, she knew she was falling in love all over again.

[moonlitceleste]

marinette dupain-cheng’s guide to picking up cute guys

A/N: Chez Vous is real in the DC universe; it’s described as a restaurant but I decided to use it as the name of the café because I didn’t want to come up with one myself. It translates to “at your house,” which basically implies “make yourself at home.”

thanks to @ramos123 for being my beta reader! <3

ao3

“Bet.”

Marinette slapped a crisp 20-dollar bill onto the wooden table with enough force to slosh around the brown liquid in the cup sitting before Alya’s smirking face.

Chez Vous was the name of the café they had been sitting in for the past fifteen minutes. The place had a nice ambience, the quiet chatter of customers and aromatic smells combining to make what was an unusually cozy atmosphere considering the location.

Gotham wasn’t exactly known for being hospitable, but she supposed the fact that it was clearly fashioned after Parisian cafés contributed to the homey feel. It vaguely reminded her of her parents’ bakery as well, so it certainly lived up to its name.

Perhaps it was this sense of familiarity that had her and Alya reminiscing on how far they’d come. It hadn’t been that long since lycée or université—the two were only 22 and 23, respectively—but recalling the good times they’d shared was always fun to do.

Of course, their friendship had momentary blips (ahem, Lila), but the two had managed to sort out their problems eventually. Now that Alya had become more attuned to Marinette’s boundaries and there were no pressing superhero secrets to keep, they knew how to both ground and challenge each other in positive ways. Which was exactly what had caused Marinette to get herself into this situation.

While chattering about their lycée days, Alya poked fun at her once again for what had transpired on the day of the Animan akuma. How could she ever forget that while secretly masquerading as a superhero and locking her best friends in an empty gorilla habitat together, she had somehow helped them end up in a relationship? And now the two were engaged.

This topic somehow lead to Adrien and the stupid puns he spewed both in superhero and civilian form. Alya was insistent that Marinette was charmed by them at some point, to which she replied, No way! They were horrible. Even I could do better.

It was with twinkling eyes that her best friend asked “Bet?” and well, Marinette was never one to back down from a challenge. So after pulling out some spare cash from her purse and setting it down in front of Alya, she raised a brow.

A wicked smirk grew on her best friend’s face, and any lesser person would have faltered, but Marinette was prepared for anything that could possibly be thrown at her.

“Fine. If you’re so confident, I dare you to use a pick-up line on… him.”

As if on cue, the bell at the top of the glass-paneled wooden door jingled, and Marinette followed Alya’s pointed finger right on time to see a very attractive man walk through.

He had a confident stride, but not an arrogant one—his aura was one of someone who was assured and knew exactly what they were capable of.

Despite his seemingly laid-back disposition, she didn’t fail to notice how his eyes darted around the room cautiously, the same habit she had gotten used to doing after she had been given the Ladybug Miraculous. Then again, this was Gotham, so being on constant guard was only natural.

One thumb was hooked in the pocket of his jeans while the other moved up to ruffle his hair, and wow did he have nice hair.

It was perfectly coiffed, and if she didn’t have experience with hairstyling due to her career she would’ve thought it was as effortless as it looked. Most models would kill for the natural luster his locks seemed to have, and even from a distance she could tell that anyone who decided to run their fingers through his hair would be met with softness.

And she didn’t even want to get started on his face. From his glowing skin to his strong jaw and pretty eyes, she refused to believe someone so attractive could be real. It was unfair, really.

“...inette? Marinette? You good there, girl?”

A snap in front of her face broke Marinette out of her stupor, and she offered an instinctual yelp in response.

“What?”

Alya’s eyes twinkled knowingly, and Marinette shifted anxiously in her seat.

“You sure you weren’t checking him out?”

“Alya!”

Said girl let out a mischievous cackle at her hissed response.

“Now get over there!” she said, waving her hands around in a shooing motion.

Marinette glanced over to the line, where the man was no doubt giving the barista his order.

From what she could tell he was just about done, and she watched as he shuffled through his wallet to hand the barista a bill. But rather than proceed normally as most client-worker interactions would, his payment was met with wide eyes and flailing hands.

Marinette was much too far to discern what was being said, but from context clues she could deduct that he had just handed the barista quite a sizable amount. She had already guessed he was well-off from simply observing the quality of his clothes, but this was near confirmation.

It wasn’t as if status or wealth mattered much to her, but she did have a tendency to be wary of higher-class people due to past experiences with them. Being around them really wasn’t as pleasant as it seemed.

Her musing was interrupted when the man suddenly moved, relocating to the waiting line. There was her chance.

Marinette pushed herself out of her seat, steeling herself and lifting her chin high. This was no biggie. All she had to do was somehow convince this gorgeous man to give her his number by making a crappy pick-up line and a pun on the spot. It wasn’t anything she hadn’t done before, but this felt different, probably because it was a total stranger she was about to attempt it on.

She felt Alya’s gaze trailing after her with each step, and Marinette reminded herself that she absolutely had to succeed or she would never hear the end of it.

The closer she got, however, the more her confidence died. Apparently she had made a major miscalculation while gauging her probability of success, because she hadn’t accounted for the brain spasm she was currently having. Why, oh why did he have to be so cute?

Marinette had the sinking feeling that she was about to majorly embarrass herself, but she was determined to win. Screw embarrassment—she was Marinette Dupain-Cheng. All the trouble she had gotten into with Alix and Kim as kids had prepared her for this very moment. Nothing mattered besides victory.

So she sauntered up confidently, stopping right in front of her target.

“Hey, you must be Batman’s sidekick.”

“What?”

The man’s head snapped towards her, and Marinette didn’t fail to notice the subtle defensive stance he took. Years of hero experience had made her more perceptive towards these things—it was part of the job, after all. She filed the information away in the back of her mind, making a mental note to dissect all that later. Her priority was winning the bet—and oh, right, she still had to finish that pick-up line.

“...because you’re Robin my heart.”

The quip was accompanied by an uncharacteristically roguish smile, à la Chat Noir. She’d give herself a solid 10/10 points on delivery.

Her target seemed to agree with the verdict, because after a split second of shocked silence, he burst into full-bodied laughter.

The instantaneous shift in demeanor nearly caught her off-guard, but she was too occupied by the bright smile on his face and his melodic chuckle to notice. It was light and carefree, and she couldn’t help but crack a small smile as a result.

The only problem was that the laughter didn’t end, though, and she felt her face heat up more as the seconds ticked by.

Oh, Kwami.

Marinette buried her face into her hands with a soft groan, wishing the ground could just open up and swallow her whole.

She knew it wasn’t the greatest pick-up line ever, but she didn’t think her attempt warranted that much amusement.

The laugher ceased abruptly, and she peeked through her fingers in time to see the man quickly sober up.

“Sorry, I wasn’t laughing at you!”

A pause.

“Okay, not exactly. I just—wow, that was a great pick-up line.”

She slowly lowered her hands, though she kept her head down to peer at him through her lashes.

“Did it work?”

He chuckled and offered her a bright smile that made her blush like a high schooler with a massive crush.

“Yeah, you can tell your friend over there that you won your bet.”

If it was even possible, she turned redder.

“What? How…”

At the mention of Alya, Marinette sent a quick glance to their café table only to find that she was doing absolutely nothing to hide her rapt attention. She quickly caught on to the fact that they were looking her way and sent a very obvious thumbs-up and wink.

Oh, I am so going to kill her later!

But Marinette’s momentary vexation made way for embarrassment as the gravity of the situation hit her.

“I guess I wasn’t exactly subtle, huh?”

“Yeah,” the handsome stranger shrugged. “You probably could have been more discreet. But I liked it.”

“Okay, that’s the second time you’ve said that, but I have a hard time believing you. You can’t possibly tell me that you actually enjoy puns.”

“So I’m guessing I shouldn’t tell you that meeting you was a fortuitous aster?”

“Aster? As in the opposite of disaster?” she wrinkled her nose.

“You got it!”

Marinette rolled her eyes in exasperation, though the upwards tug at the corner of her lips betrayed her true feelings.

“Careful there, or you’ll be the one Robin my heart.”

She’d never admit to it, but she flushed a tiny bit before straightening up in realization. Hey, she was supposed to be the one doing the wooing here!

But before she could open her mouth to respond, her companion beat her to it.

“Since you’re stealing something so dear to me, I think it’s only fair that I get my thief’s name in exchange.”

He was clever, she had to admit.

“Marinette,” she proffered.

“Dick.”

She blinked in surprise at the seemingly random obscenity before it clicked.

“Oh, that’s your name!”

The words tumbled forward, and once she realized what she had said, Marinette tried to frantically backpedal. Her spilled apologies didn’t seem to be necessary, though, because that mesmerizing laugh came back.

“No, it’s fine, I get that a lot,” he breathed between chuckles.

She brightened immediately, glad she hadn’t offended him or embarrassed herself too much.

“Well, since I’m already taking something from you, may I steal your number as well?”

“Only if I can do the same.”

Her inquiry was met with a grin, and the two exchanged phones to type in their respective numbers. Marinette’s found its way back into her hand shortly after, and moments after she pocketed it the call of “medium espresso and beignets!” broke the quiet ambience.

“Well, that’s my order,” Dick said, words weighted by a silent apology. “I’d love to stay and chat, but I have a few things I need to take care of. Maybe we can meet up later this week?”

The end of his sentence lilted up in hope, and Marinette found her chest warming with affection.

“I’d like that.”

She bid him goodbye with a smile and a wave and quickly tacked on an “I’ll text you later!” in afterthought.

She’d forever deny squealing giddily as she unceremoniously dragged Alya out from her seat and through the café doors, but the sound didn’t escape Dick’s attention—or his enhanced hearing, courtesy of Bat-Tech.

As he watched her leave with Alya, a smile slowly spread across his face at the thought of seeing her again.

Yeah, he sighed to himself. She’s definitely Robin my heart.

-

PERMANENT TAGLIST *@astoriaandromeda @avengerthewarrior *@bluesimani @enternalempires @flower-girll @freesportspalacesalad @glastwime859 @h1sss @heart-charming @iloontjeboontje @jayjayspixiepop @jalaluvsu @kitsunebell @maskedpainter @moongoddesskiana @nathleigh @no-username2544 @too0bsessedformyowngood @ultimatetornshipper

[bumblesimagines]

Green Thumb

Part 2

Request: Yes or No

For anyone confused, (Y/N) was around 17 when he fought the Avengers and was taken in and now he's 18-19. Lowkey a filler to develop/show (Y/N)'s relationship with Laura and Clint

~

You stared up at the large wooden house, a soft breeze blowing by that made you tugged down the sleeves of the sweater you were wearing. Clint turned off the engine of his motorcycle, looking up at you. You furrowed your brows and turned towards him, glancing at the darkening sky.

"What is this place?" You asked, watching him curiously Clint stood beside him, gazing fondly at the house. He looked at you with a gentle smile.

"My home."

"Home?"

"Yep, home. The only other people who know about this place are Fury and Natasha." Clint revealed, making your brows raise. You looked back at the house. It was homey for sure. Far from the city with nature surrounding it. A perfect place to raise a family and live a quiet life. You bit your bottom lip, gently wrapping your arms around yourself. 

"So, why’d you bring me here?" You asked. If it was such a big secret that not even Tony or Steve knew about it, why would he share it with you? You weren’t even part of the team. You were just a child that they had to take in. Clint placed a gentle hand on your back.

"You need some fresh air and a break from the shit back at the tower. Come meet my wife and kids." Clint said, walking towards the house. You slowly followed, still unsure about the whole thing. You didn’t know why Clint trusted you so much. Not even a couple weeks back, you had attempted killing him and the Avengers. You had heard Tony mention Clint having a habit of taking in strays so you assumed you were just another person Clint wanted to help. The aroma of food filled your senses, making you let out a soft hum. Clint had heard it, chuckling as he stepped into his home. You followed, noticing the pictures on the walls and scattered drawings. 

"Laura, I’m home!" Clint called out into the house, following the light from the kitchen. You noticed some legos laying around, looking up as a woman approached Clint and greeted him with a kiss.

"How was work?" She asked softly, smiling. You could see two kids looking at you curiously from the table. Clint smiled back at his wife, gently stroking her long hair. 

"It was fine, honey. I brought a guest." Clint motioned towards you. Laura looked at you, humming softly. Her smile widened as she faced you.

"You must be (Y/N). Welcome to the Barton Farm." Laura giggled softly, placing a hand on her belly. Your gaze dropped down, noticing her barely visible bump. Laura followed your gaze, chuckling softly.

"We’re- Well, more like Natasha is hoping for a little girl." Laura smiled, glancing at Clint when he placed a gentle hand on her bump. She looked back at (Y/N), motioning to the table. 

"Come join us."

You walked with Laura to the greenhouse, glancing over at Tony and Steve as they talked.

"How was your first mission?" Laura asked, smiling widely as she gazed at you curiously. You were supposed to go on a mission when your training was complete but nevertheless, it had been quite exciting. You smiled, looking forward.

"It was.. Good. It didn't go as planned, obviously, but there wasn't much of a plan to begin with. Clint's definitely holding a grudge against the runner." You chuckled, opening the door to the greenhouse and stepping inside. Some new flowers had been added.

"I don't blame him." Laura said, giggling as she pulled up a chair. She sat down, letting out a sigh of relief. Laura rested her hands on her belly, watching you with a gentle gaze.

"The girl.. The girl made Hulk lose his shit and made the others see stuff." You told her, picking up a pot with a venus flytrap inside. You gently ran your finger over the plant, watching it open.

"Did she get to you?"

"No, I.. I stopped her before she could do anything to me. Natasha seemed pretty shaken up by what she saw." You looked back at her, frowning softly. You had never seen Natasha look so broken inside. Whatever she had seen, it had definitely triggered some bad memories. You wondered what Wanda would've made you see. The orphanage? The fight with the Avengers?

"Clint mentioned you had to work on your people skills." Laura recalled, laughing softly as she tilted her head. "What's that about?"

"I might've choked.. A few people."

"Might've?" Laura repeated, raising her brows. You placed the pot down, letting out a soft sigh as you stared down at the venus flytrap.

"What's on your mind, sweetheart?" Laura asked softly, noticing the change. You gently pushed the pot back into its spot beside the other plants, shrugging lightly.

"Not that long ago, I was in their spot. Wanda and Pietro.. Two young metas trying to survive. With my powers, I could have seriously injured someone and-"

"But you didn't, did you? We're all standing on this plot of land, living and breathing." Laura stood up from the chair, holding onto it as she regained her balance. She walked towards you, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder.

"You were a frightened kid on survival mode. You were doing whatever you could to protect yourself." Laura said, gaze softening.

"Obviously, I could never hurt Thor or Hulk but... I almost crushed and suffocated everyone else. Tony had to work on his suit, Natasha and Clint had bruises for days.. Steve did that weird staring thing like a fucking camera whenever I was in the room." You reached forward, running a finger over the leaf of a plant and watching it grow.

"Look at yourself." Laura motioned to the plants. "You have full control of your powers. You know your limits. You're.. Mother Nature's son! Like, almost literally her son."

"I'm your son." You muttered, keeping your gaze on the plants. Laura stayed quiet, almost frozen in place. She slowly smiled, nodding as she blinked away tears.

"Yeah.. Yeah, you are. You're my son. You're a Barton." Laura said softly, sniffling softly. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm gonna go see if Stark is willing to check out the tractor. Holler if you need anything." Laura said, turning around. She left the greenhouse, walking back towards the house. You thought about her words, knowing what she said was true but things could've gone differently if you had been in full control of your powers during the confrontation with the Avengers. Clint had still offered you support despite it all.

You brought your knees close to your chest, hearing the sounds of the Avengers grunting and talking on the floor below. The overgrown vines in the abandoned building wrapped around the corner you were in, providing cover.

"Hey, kid? You up here?"

"Barton, what the hell are-"

"Shut up, Tony." You furrowed your brows, hearing sluggish footsteps on the floor you were at.

"This isn't the greatest hiding spot, kid." The voice, 'Clint', had gotten closer. He was most likely standing infront of you, the vines being the only thing keeping you from seeing him.

"Look, I know you're scared. I know the orphanage probably wasn't great either, but we can help you. I can help you. You can trust me." Clint assured softly. You swallowed, reaching out and touching the vines. They parted, letting you peer up at Clint. He offered a tired smile, extending his hand to you.

"You just made Laura the happiest woman alive." You turned towards Clint, chuckling softly. Clint pushed himself off the doorway, stepping inside.

"Must be nice to finally feel happy for once." You replied, grinning.

"Oh, trust me, you should've seen her face when I proposed." Clint chuckled, looking over the greenhouse. He hummed.

"Maybe I should get into gardening." He muttered, arms crossing as he looked over the different flowers. You watched him.

"You'll be busy with missions."

"I don't plan on sticking around for long, if I'm honest. I want to retire and be with my kids more. The hero life isn't forever for some people. Keep that in mind, (N/N)."

"You're gonna leave the team?" You asked, frowning. You knew Clint had been thinking about it. Especially with a third kid on the way that would come at any moment.

"I got lucky but.. The thought of leaving Laura alone with three young kids, a barely legal adult, and a big plot of land.." Clint sighed, shaking his head as he gently tapped his finger against the table.

"I don't want to be an absent father and miss out on big achievements. I owe it to Laura and you guys." Clint explained softly. You understood. None of the other Avengers were parents yet. Clint dying meant fatherless kids and a widow. He had a lot more to lose.

"I'll always be here if you need advice or more training. I just won't be on the field with you." Clint placed his hands on your shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze before he leaned in and gave you a hug. You hugged him back, eyes shutting. You weren't sure how you'd be on the field without Clint there to support you. Being beside him brought you comfort and reassurance.

"You'll be an amazing Avenger, (Y/N). I know it." Clint whispered, leaning back and smiling softly.

"Will you be my number 1 fan?" You asked with a grin.

"I'm afraid the top three spots are already taken but I'll happily be your fourth biggest fan." Clint laughed softly, turning his head when Laura called for him and you.

"Come on, let's see what the boss wants." He said playfully, turning around and walking out. You followed, noticing Nick Fury standing on the porch. He gave you a nod before entering the house.

"What's he doing here?" You asked, looking at Clint. Clint shrugged, letting out a deep sigh as you walked up the steps.

"We're about to find out."

[writings-of-a-hufflepuff]

Pheromones

Fandom: Mass Effect

Collection/Series: N/A

Pairing: Selene Shepard x Garrus Vakarian

Writer: @writings-of-a-hufflepuff​ aka @hufflepuffing-all-day-long​

Rating: T - Suggestive themes but nothing NSFW

Warnings: N/A? I think (if i’m wrong let me know!)

Summary: Selene’s a little confused about something Javik says to her, she naturally asks her Turian boyfriend about it. 

Notes: Based off this conversation with Javik. I’ve never actually written Shakarian stuff in all my years of loving the ship. But, with Mass Effect: LE taking over my life, why not? 

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“So...Javik said something really...weird when I went to see him earlier.” 

It had been a long day; finding out Cerberus was turning people at Sanctuary into husks, seeing Miranda again, stopping her father from killing Oriana...it had taken a toll and then to come back and have a really bizarre conversation with their Prothean teammate? Well, Selene Shepard was glad to be back in a pair of yoga pants and a large jumper. 

If Selene was completely honest with herself she was exhausted. The war was taking its toll on her, all the responsibility that lay on her shoulders only seemed to be lightened by the support of her team and most importantly, Garrus. Her cybernetics had been bright and bold across her skin as of late, a sure sign that she was running out of steam. Despite the exhaustion, Javik's words weighed on her mind, confusing, curious and just a reminder of how alien he really was. 

Garrus came out of her, no, their shower, towel around his cowl, visor, no longer obscuring his face for once. God, it is so utterly domestic between the two of them now and something in her aches with the awareness that this might all be cut short, that domestic might never be a long term option for them. She hopes it will, hopes silently that they’ll get to retire somewhere, have a couple of kids, a varren or two, and life out their days into old age. 

“Weird? Weird to humans or...just weird?” The dual tone of his voice rings with curiosity. It had taken her two whole years of missions with him for her to actually get a good grasp on his subharmonics and even now there were things her weak human ears couldn’t quite pick up on, or even hear at all. 

She thought for a moment as Garrus sat down next to her on the bed, nuzzling his face between her shoulder and neck like he always did. It was something she’d taken as a turian sign of affection, the way his plates scratched at her skin and mandibles fluttered across her shoulder, she could only compare it to a human placing kisses down. A nuzzling that he never failed to do, whether they were standing and he had to bend over or they were sitting or lying down. 

Leaning into him with her eyes closed, she traces a hand across the plates on the back of his neck. “I...think it's just weird? He said he could tell we were ‘joined’ because of my...pheromones…” 

Garrus froze in his nuzzling, pulling back with his face plates drawn together, mandibles fluttering in confusion. “Well, yeah? I scent you all the time, been doing it since you agreed to be a one turian kind of woman. I thought...I mean I smell like you too…?”

“Scenting? I what?” Selene was decidedly confused, Garrus didn’t smell like her at all. In fact, the little scent that he had was of the more metallic and engine grease kind from spending all his time tinkering with things or modifying his sniper rifle. She certainly didn’t smell like him, not to her nose anyway. 

She pressed her face into his cowl and took a big, over exaggerated sniff. Nothing. He didn’t even smell like her shampoo or the jasmine soap she’d managed to find on the Citadel. Just...Garrus. 

Garrus chuckled, three fingered hand cupping her cheek, filed down talons grazing carefully across her skin to smooth out the furrow between her eyebrows.  

“Oh, right, you humans and your terrible sense of smell. Cute.” His grin flared his mandibles out wide, sharp teeth on show in a display of good humour.

“Garrus!” He liked getting a rise out of her, enjoyed seeing the pale skin of her cheeks turn as red as a Palaven sunset, something Turians just could not do. It was always so distinctly human, glaringly alien, but adorable. Not that many people would describe the Commander Shepard as adorable, but most people weren’t in a committed relationship with her...or he hoped most people weren’t. 

“Honey, it’s normal. We sleep together, we make love,” She groaned a little at the word choice as he returned to nuzzling underneath her neck, talons moving up and down her back in soothing motions, “we shower together, we go on every mission together, we spar together…” Selene can’t help the little moan that leaves her mouth as his breath warms across her skin before that tongue of his, blue and ridiculously dexterous, carves a path over her shoulder and up her throat, lingering on a spot behind her jaw that he knows all too well. 

“And turians are kind of known for scenting their partners.” 

“What does that even mean? Scenting? Like a cat? Are you marking your territory?” She’s never taken Garrus for being possessive, in fact, he was decidedly cool under pressure whenever someone decided to try it on with her. Occasionally he’d shift in a way that told people to back off, pressing his chest to her back, but that was only in instances where the person didn‘t know when to quit. Usually an overzealous asari or persistent human. The idea of him marking his territory, or even seeing her that way was kind of out of character to her, he just wasn’t like that. They were equals in everything they did. He was her person and she was his, one of them wasn’t more dominant in the relationship, they were partners. 

“Yes and no. You're not my territory, honey, don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you're a one turian kind of woman, but I trust you and I know you can handle yourself. It’s a habit really, an instinct. I’m surprised you don’t know, you do it too.”

It’s a relief to hear him say that. While she finds Garrus ridiculously hot when he goes all bad boy vigilante turian on someone, the raw power he exudes is something else entirely, something different that starts a fire in her belly, she also doesn’t want to be seen as an object or possession. 

“I do?” They’ve gravitated, as they always do, towards each other. Selene finds herself curled up in Garrus’ lap, arms wrapped around his cowl and nose pressed to the junction of his neck, pressing light little kisses there had become a favourite pastime of hers. Calming, soothing. 

“Mmm...all the time, that little nuzzling thing you’re doing?” She pulls back, startled, eyebrows almost comically high and red still tinting her cheeks, “Yeah, I thought you were just a little possessive, but maybe this is one of those interspecies miscommunication things, huh?”  

“I...oh.” She curls back into his neck, bashful in a way no one else sees. Garrus enjoys seeing her like this, out of her element but trusting, seeking comfort in him even as he’s the source of her embarrassment. Their relationship is unconventional and with it has come embarrassment and nerves from both sides, but it’s the trust in him, and his trust in her that’s made it work, that makes it worthwhile. 

He runs his fingers through the red of her hair, the strands soft and silky, a sensation that he still finds fascinating all this time on and one that he knows she finds soothing. He can only compare it to how he feels when she caresses underneath his fringe. 

“So is that why that C-Sec officer stopped flirting with me every chance he got?” She thinks of the dark brown turian, bright orange markings across his face. Before she’d seen Garrus again, before they’d rekindled their relationship, he’d been determined to flirt with her, no matter how many times she politely turned him down. He’d since stopped, his tone always overly polite and formal, nervous even. She’d assumed Bailey had given him a dressing down, but...maybe not. 

“Mmm, probably.” His chest rumbles with the hum, soothing and deep, reverberations running through her, “Most turians aren’t going to flirt with a taken woman, ever seen two turians get into a proper fist fight? It’s more claws and teeth than anything else.” No turian wanted to get into a fight over someone they had a passing fancy for, that Garrus knew for a fact, best to leave someone alone if they were clearly in a relationship.

“Would you? If someone tried it on?” She’s curious, deeply so. Part of her wants to know he would, but part of her wants to know that he’d think about it, and take his time to decide if it was necessary. Garrus had always had a bit of a temper, quick and righteous and determined to put things right. But, he’d mellowed with age, with her nagging him and convincing him to spare people who’d wronged him and others. He was more calculating these days. 

“Depends.” A hand falls to her waist, circles being rubbed into the skin underneath her jumper, absent minded and soothing as his blue eyes look to the skylight above her bed, staring out at the stars. Contemplating his next words.

“On?” She leans up to press a kiss underneath his chin, the soft exposed skin tempting her.

“Do you want me to? How badly are they trying to get into your pants? Are you in danger? Do you need me to? Is it someone I know and despise?” His voice rumbles in his throat, she feels the vibrations against her lips and ringing through her ears. That was something about being with a turian that she loved, the subharmonics were soothing to her ear, the rumble that always seemed to roll through his body was comforting. She wouldn’t call it a purr, mostly because Garrus would fix her with that look, narrowed eyes, mandibles drawn tight against his face. He’d probably go back to calibrating the guns for a week or two straight. God, she hated that. 

“Are you telling me you wouldn’t fight for my honour?” She’s teasing him, but she can still feel him tense up. Her lack of subharmonics tended to confuse him whenever she joked and he couldn’t see her face. 

Taking pity on him Selene pulls back so he can see the amused little smirk that tugs at the corner of her mouth, freckles scrunching up across her cheeks and nose. 

“I...you’re messing with me aren’t you?” There’a a palpable sigh of relief from him as his shoulders relax and he rolls his neck before pinning her with a playful glare, huffing through his nose at her. He’s the only person she can truly be playful with and she knows he enjoys it, the closeness of their relationship isn’t lost on either of them. He makes her feel less tired, more alive, younger, even if it's for a brief moment before reality crashes back down again. 

“Yeah, just a little, big guy.” She tugs his face down gently by a scarred mandible, he follows easily, putting himself in reach so that she can press a kiss to his cheek, across the blue colony markings that are oh so familiar to her. Affection with Garrus is easy: “I love you, but I don’t need you tearing someone’s throat out for me...unless it’s Kai Leng, you can tear his throat out.” 

The assassin was a thorn in her side and she was close to snapping, her usual restraint and desire to talk things through was failing. She wouldn’t negotiate or talk with Kai Leng. If she finally got the chance...well, he probably wouldn’t be recognisable afterwards. 

“Oh, I'm tempted, believe me. There’s nothing I'd like more than to put every ounce of my anger and hatred into beating Kai Leng into a bloody pulp. Buuuut, I think you deserve the satisfaction yourself.”

“I love you, you know that right? Even if I'm walking around stinking like a turian vigilante.” She caresses the lengths of his crest and underneath, scratching short nails against the soft skin there and the purr, because it is a purr, that rumbles from his chest is almost as satisfying as the thought of finally getting revenge on Kai Leng.

“Reaper Advisor actually.” He brushes his cheek against hers, hard plates brushing against soft skin, gently, not hard enough to chafe or rub. “I love you too, even if I'm walking around stinking like a self-sacrificing human spectre.”

[notnctu]

cupid’s arrow - h.rj | 7 days

━ sweet greetings from the 7 days fluff series 

genre ❥ slight angst, fluff !!  details ❥ college!au, friends to lovers!au, genderneutral!reader ━ where renjun makes a bet to get you to fall in love with him.  warnings ❥ explicit language, light banter word count ❥ 7.1k  synopsis ❥ The silly boy has no idea what he’s gotten himself into when he makes a bet with his arrogant friend to get you to fall in love with him. Renjun never intends to confess, mainly because his past unrequited loves have demolished his confidence. So a low stakes gamble causes him a great deal of stress and pride, wishing that it was as easy as striking you with Cupid’s Arrow. While he wants your feelings to develop organically, he actually doesn’t know what he’d do if you did end up liking him back. Because to him, you have always been someone unattainable and out of his reach  taglist ❥ @yourmagnanimousholiness​ ; @lovelycharm05​ ; @watermelonxes​ ; @jaehyunsjasmine​ ; @mjlkau​​ <3

a/n ❥ this is author doie ❀!! uhh this came out a little more angsty than i had planned it to be.. anyways its been a long time coming and we’re still working on the requests hehehe uhh keep an eye out for some blog updates bc we are starting school soon :) thanks for sticking with us so far! lots of love for everyone<3

Huang Renjun catches a glimpse of your enchanting figure across the lecture hall and how you effortlessly slide into your usual seat near the front. The tap against the tiny turnout table with your pen, ruffling your hair to only have it fall back in place beautifully, and aura alone suffocates him.

In a three hundred person lecture, all he sees is you. The only person in the room who has his undivided attention and while it might be entirely infatuation by your attractiveness, the mutual friends you two share describe you having a heart of gold.

A heart that is impenetrable. Strong, sturdy, shining metal that no one has been able to get through, but Renjun thinks that it’s because you can tell someone is undeserving. Keen and observant eyes, it’s a good thing that his stares don’t linger for long.

As he walks down the descending steps to sit in the row behind you, he remembers a very drunk night over the past weekend and an idiotic bet that has him punching himself. He wishes that he never agreed, but the liquid pride in him could not bite his tongue.

“(Y/N)?” His friend scorns and Renjun slaps his forehead at the slip of your name. Truthfully, the alcohol is messing with his head and he’s saying things that are no longer in his control. But how could he have possibly let the one secret he holds to himself out into the small crowd.

He mumbles profanities underneath his breath, trying to limit light from hurting his blurry vision, and rubbing his throbbing temples. “Yes, (Y/N).” There is no confidence in his voice at the whisper of your name.

“Dude, (Y/N) is way out of your league.” The headache just doesn’t have an end. He knows this; there is no way you’d ever bat an eyelash at him first. Renjun just likes things that are impossible to him, a poor habit of his.

“I bet I could get (Y/N) to get with me first before you ever can.” Then, Renjun’s eyes shoot open wide and the view of the arrogance laughing in the dimness slowly boils his blood.

Renjun may seem like the weaker link to pick on, but he is not one to give up a fight. While his friend has an advantage, the last thing Renjun would want is for you to fall for a horrendous two faced personality.

He’ll charm your pants off and when he gets what he wants: the victory and your vulnerability, he’ll hurt you. Would you be able to see past his fake genuineness or actually fall for the person he plays so well? Renjun can’t let anyone hurt you if he can prevent it.

“I bet that I can get (Y/N) to fall in love with me.” Renjun stumbles to stand up proudly, making himself bolder and more intimidating. Nevertheless, the drowsiness intoxicates him and he can barely keep his line of vision focused.

He sees the disgusting smirk on his friend’s face and a hand extends out for Renjun to shake. “Okay. Let’s bet on it. If you can’t get (Y/N) to fall in love with you, they’ll be mine and you can’t speak to them ever again.”

“Nice use of claiming someone who barely knows you exist.” The alcohol didn’t take away Renjun’s sharp sarcasm and the constant rolling of his eyes.

Renjun truly has no confidence at the game he decided to engage in, his only motive is to protect you from a bad guy. He wouldn’t even know how to handle the potential chance that you could like him back, did you have the ability to do so?

He never had the intention to confess to you, his heart has been broken all too much already by unrequited loves from his past. And if he had to be honest with himself, his admiration for you has become so strong that even he’s afraid to be someone to taint it.

What are the odds that the entire row behind you is already filled? Renjun’s throat closes when he sees the empty seat right next to you and the professor starting up his presentation. Other students push past him to hurry into empty seats before lecture begins, and his own feet pick him up toward you.

Like a magnetic pull, you attract him with an inexplicable force so naturally. Clearing his throat, he swallows the anxiousness that blocks him from speaking. 

“Is this seat taken?”

This is it. This is the first of many looks you two will share, and Renjun’s heart pounds at his chest to wait for your eyes to meet his own for more than a second.

As if the room falls silent and everything is in slow motion, Renjun captures the very image when you blink up at him with beautiful dazzling gentleness and the utter sugar of your lips curling upwards. And he’s stunned, hoping it doesn’t show on his face.

“No.” It’s a simple reply and nothing worth jumping out of joy about, but he tries so hard to hold back the growing smile of your acknowledgement. You are being polite, but something inside of him feels giddy and like static running through his veins.

“Thanks.” Dropping his bag, he enters the seat carefully and sits with his hands folded together on the tiny table.

You examine the attentive boy, as his focus is trained on the lecture slides and the unprepared professor messing with his mic. Chuckling, “you don’t take notes?”

Renjun is surprised at your sudden interaction, completely blindsided by your friendliness. He wasn’t sure how well that would have worked, but your curiosity speaks for you. “I actually forgot my laptop today.” The heavy device sits in his bag at his feet, but he doesn’t dare take it out after the lie.

The soft ‘oh’ that falls from your mouth is too cute and Renjun clears his throat to bring him back from his daydreams of you. Looking apologetic, he shrugs and pretends to gear his attention back to the professor, who finally starts the long awaited class.

“I can send you my notes for the day, if you’d like.” The kindness in your voice does not go unnoticed, in fact, it causes Renjun to hold onto it for a little longer to fuel his undying crush for you.

“I’d love that—” Perhaps he shouldn’t have used the word love for the strictly friendly gesture. “—you’re a lifesaver. Uh, how should I refer to you as?” Playing dumb is his only way to get to you, for now.

“(Y/N). And you?” You hand your phone toward him with social media popped up to input his user handle.

Renjun introduces himself as his sweaty fingers type, and he wonders if he should have polished up any photos that may have you steering away from him. However when he returns your device, the smile that lights up your face allows him to breathe easily.

“I knew you sounded familiar. You’re friends with Jaemin, right?” Your whisper grows soft as you multitask to make conversation and jot down a few important bullet points from the slides. Renjun tries hard to dissect the information as well, but the boring tone of his professor is nothing compared to his crush finally having conversation with him.

“We’re housemates along with two other people.” His body is able to relax now that he’s broken the wall of introductions. You carry yourself to be more intimidating than you actually are.

When he peeks back over at your concentrated expression, your lip is hidden by your top row of teeth and your quick eyes dart between the monitor and your page. How are you so good at literally everything?

“A small world.” He picks up your every word, “well Renjun, since this class has basically ruined my life, would it be too much to ask if you’re down to study with me?” And despite the fluorescent lights being absolutely dull, they still dust your eyes with an enticing glitter.

He must have been staring for too long because you start your sentence of doubt, but Renjun stammers over his response. The professor isn’t quite happy with the small overlap of chatter and shoots a glare at the two of you.

That’s definitely not a good way to start, but it’s memorable. Renjun motions for your pen, and scribbles in his own font the answer to your offer:

I’d love that :)

Then, his heart soars back into the clouds once again at the grin that settles and your written response:  

Me too <3

How does one get someone to fall for them? If Renjun knew, he wouldn’t still be single and infatuated with someone too good for him. He wishes that it’s as simple as the myths make it out to be, where all Cupid had to do was draw his bow and launch a loving arrow that pierces through the heart — an instant love.

But playing Cupid himself is harder than anticipated. He has no handy tools to assist him with his goals. He just has himself, lacks luster and is invisible. Can he be more painfully boring?

And he looks at you with literal hearts in his eyes. An excitement that awaits him, the true meaning of a head turner. That is you. And all he can offer is his mere presence.

“So how did you and Jaemin meet?” Looking up from your blinding laptop screen, Renjun feels the light tap underneath the table from your foot. He chuckles at the subtly adorable affection, and your own way of showing it.

This has to be the third round of study sessions you two shared, and bit by bit, he falls more and more for you despite it needing to be the other way around. The captivating get-to-know you conversation of favorites all down to your aspirations and goals.

The intelligence of you, your wisdom, your perspective. While he did not have this insight before, knowing it now only makes you more alluring. He can’t believe you’re even sitting with him in his shared living room, just the two of you.

“We met at orientation. He’s persistent.” Renjun laughs lightly and you smile in return, nodding along with his statement.

“Wish I met you guys at orientation. I was never the one to reach out to people first until college forced me out of my shell.” He hopes his ears didn’t deceive him, but Renjun had to do a double take: you said you guys, which includes him, right? You wish you had met him earlier?

But the latter shocks him a bit. If he recalls your first meeting, you were the one curious enough to continue speaking to him. “I would have never guessed.”

“Really?” There is a notable light in your eyes as you tilt your head. “I don’t seem shy?”

“Not at all…” He has to stop himself from going on an incredible tangent about how greatly outspoken you are, it gives away too much on how observant he’s been.  

“I’m good at hiding it then.” You examine the soft shade of pink on the tips of his ears and his averting shy gazes. “What are you good at hiding?”

Your question leaves him speechless and gripping at any ends of answers. There are a number of ways he can go about it, but the truth is not one of them.

What is he good at hiding? His unconditional affection for you. He’s good at concealing every heavy heart beat at your smallest actions. He’s good at keeping a regretful secret bet.

But as those options pop into his head, he doesn’t want to say any of them. So, he opts for a white lie instead and hopes that the hesitation doesn’t sell him out for being a nervous wreck.

“I’m good at hiding what I fear.” You blink at him, clearly intrigued to want to know more.

“You do seem pretty fearless, Huang Renjun.” There is a brief exchange of eye contact and Renjun swears that his pounding heart can be heard in the silence. A smirk on your lips as you return to your work, he’s warm inside from the usage of his full name. And you don’t even realize the effect you have over him.

“So, you and (Y/N) are close. How did that start?” Jaemin jumps onto Renjun’s neatly made bed. The covers are now ruffled and tossed from the impact.

Jaemin isn’t home very often, but in the rare times he has been, it’s always during the study sessions with you. The first time you came over, Jaemin tried not to talk up a storm from seeing a familiar face. He respects Renjun’s relationships, so he tried his best to keep from prying at the boy.

“You finally want to know?” Renjun scoffs lightheartedly, punching his housemate lightly on the shoulder as he swivels around in his chair. With an excited wide smile, Jaemin tugs at his friend’s arm as an endearing sign of persistence. “Okay, okay. We have the same class.”

“(Y/N) really approached you in a three hundred student lecture?” A tone of disbelief settles in Jaemin’s rhetorical question. He cocks an eyebrow, waiting for Renjun to tell some truth.

“Not exactly. I sat next to them and a conversation just happened.” Renjun shrugs as if it’s nothing big, as if it hadn’t been for your curiosity that started this blossoming relationship.

“Spare me the details.” Jaemin sits up to hold Renjun by his shoulders. The pressure feels oddly crushing, like a whole weight dropping on him. Jaemin stares him dead in the eyes. “What are your motives, Huang Renjun?”

His mouth hangs slightly open from the question. “I can’t be friends with (Y/N)?” Almost defensively, Renjun furrows his eyebrows at his friend, but he can tell Jaemin has caught onto his lie.

“I heard that you made a bet with a certain shithead.” Jaemin rolls his eyes at remembering their horrible mutual, a crime to even consider him as a friend. He drops his heavy hands from Renjun’s shoulders and falls back onto the mattress.  

The alarming expression of grave danger, Renjun is screwed. He gulps the gathered saliva in the back of his mouth, searching for a plausible explanation. “I was drunk.” He slaps his forehead at the stupid reasoning as Jaemin shoots upright to begin scolding him.

“Let me explain,” Renjun covers his mouth to halt Jaemin’s excessive nagging. “I like (Y/N), that’s how the bet even came alive. I slipped up and then he was saying all this stuff about (Y/N) being out of my league.”

“Which is true.” Jaemin adds, quite muffled but doesn’t slip past Renjun.

Renjun glares and thanks him sarcastically. “I made the bet to protect (Y/N) from him. He was provoking me by saying that he can get (Y/N) first and since I was heavily intoxicated, I didn’t think before I spoke.”

Jaemin holds Renjun warmly, seeing that his friend needed a hug from the saddened memory. It’s all too obvious how regretful Renjun feels. “So I’m trying my best at carrying the bet because there’s too much at stake.”

A chill runs down his spine remembering the consequences. He just can’t fail. Jaemin pulls away and lightly pats Renjun’s hair. “Cupid has made you into a fool for your crush.”

“He’s made me into a bigger one for thinking I could get my crush to like me back.” Renjun sighs in defeat and groans loudly. Why does this frustrate him so much? Perhaps it’s the lack of ability to actually get someone to like him back.

Renjun has been single for his entire life, not by choice. He’s done the movie cliches of a confession: a bouquet of roses, a poster, a night under the stars. And not one has ever accepted his feelings. He doesn’t blame any of them since he still struggles with finding things to love about himself. What is there to love about him? He can’t seem to find any redeeming qualities worth mentioning.

But you. You, alone, is simply worth an honorable mention. And now that it’s been well over a month of your friendship, he can confirm that you’re everything he’s ever wanted and more.

“Why don’t you start by being (Y/N)’s friend first? Love doesn’t just happen in an instant, no offense to Cupid or anything. I mean.. isn’t it all just a myth anyways?” Jaemin picks Renjun’s falling chin and he can see the glossy eyes of sadness. They swim with frustration and guilt.

Like an epiphany, Jaemin gave Renjun a starting place. For weeks, Renjun racked his brain for an easy solution out of it all. In reality, he didn’t need any wicked form of magic for foul play. He just wants to be by your side for as long as you allow. And a part of him is scared for you to like him back.

You’ve always been too out of his reach. Standing on a pedestal, you’re something unattainable. It’s lucky that you even bat an eyelash at him. He’s admired you all too much, Renjun won’t actually know what to do if you ever did like him back.

This all stems from his inner insecurities, like a recurring thought: what is there to like about him? Or is he even good enough for you?

If someone had warned him that love could become this confusing, he would’ve sacrificed his heart for something less complicated. To feel. To love. Renjun wishes he can remove the love bow that pierced through his chest.

On a random Friday night, Renjun’s phone rings with an unexpected caller ID. He pauses the song he’s been listening to for the past hour to pick up.

“Renjun! I’m sad and drunk right now.” Your voice is incredibly slurred and he can barely hear you with the loud background noise. “Can you come pick me up?”

“Are you over on Third Ave. again?” He despises that place. A house on the corner of Third Avenue right off the interstate from campus that throws weekly parties. These parties are overcrowded with creeps and cheap booze. Unfortunately, you’re favorite place to run away to.

This isn’t his first time coming to get you. Over the past few months of your established friendship, you’ve sent him numerous amounts of drunk texts calling for him. This is the first time you actually called, preluding to a really rough night you’ve been having.

You sigh into the receiver, “you remembered.” like you’re on the verge of tears, he can hear the quiver in your tiny voice.

“I have your location, idiot.” Renjun smiles at your silly drunk reactions, finding you more enduring from the innocence. “I’ll be there in a blink.”

“Okay, I’ll close my eyes so I can open them to you.” You giggle before hanging up and Renjun can’t keep the widest grin off of his face. He’s rushing out his door, not wanting to wait another second to see you.

One thing Renjun realized after finally growing close enough to you is that through all his infatuation, you’re still a human. While he thinks of you in a sparkling cascading glitter waterfall, you’re made of the same softness that Renjun has. You’re not perfect and he needed to stop idolizing you as if you’re some shiny trophy.

No, he’s learned that he needed to love you for who you truly are. And the moment he broke down your layers, the glass tears that fell from your cheeks were real. The pain through your confident façade, Renjun needed to love you at your lowest.

He saw you for you, not the attractive person from his lecture he drooled months over. You are the exact reality that movies are afraid to portray. You’re courageous, chic, charming. But you’re also shy, soft spoken, and silly. You’re like waking up during dawn and marveling in the silence of a sleeping society. You’re also like smiles on a sunny day and living in the moment.

Renjun is lovestruck, wildly in love with all that you are. The only thing that brings down his spirits is the lingering bet he made several months ago and he hates how it’s always gnawing at him. It’s like an echo, bouncing off the walls of his mind. He can’t shake it off. Most of the time, he tries to focus the moment in front of him, but it has him tossing and turning in the middle of the night.

Without much surprise, you stand in front of the overflowing party house with eyes cutely squeezed shut. A friend by your side to wait with you. “Open your eyes.” Renjun yells as windows roll down and he double parks the car.

Your eyes gleam in the darkness and bidding your friend a quick goodbye, you jump into the familiar vehicle and embrace your good friend with a longing hug. Renjun chuckles at your adorable actions, patting your shoulder lightly. Despite the cheerful welcome, the mood immediately shifts when he hears your tiny sniffs and feels the tears on his shirt.

“C’mon, your favorite ice cream flavor is waiting for you at my place.” As he whispers positive affirmations, you can only cry harder into his chest. “You’re not feeling too good tonight, are you?”

It’s way too obvious of a question to ask, he knows. Truthfully, he didn’t know what to say and comforting is not his strongest skill without it turning it into a life lesson. He knows what you need, just someone to acknowledge how you’re feeling and to listen.

“I’m feeling the worst tonight. I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe later?” You pull away from his arms, even if he isn’t ready to let you go. He helps buckle your seatbelt and wipe any remaining wetness on your cheeks.

Your hand briefly touches Renjun’s which causes the boy to freeze at the sudden action. Your hazy smile is unclear, but you lean into him before he can process all the randomness. A kiss on his cheek, the most delicate feeling of lips on skin.

Renjun explodes inside, like hazardous fireworks on a cloudy night. He wants to enjoy it, but his circumstances make it difficult for him to. “Thanks for coming to get me.” Your body slumps back onto the seat, a pout on your lower lip. Renjun shifts awkwardly in his seat, buckling his seatbelt to begin the ride home. He can’t find the words to say.

You’re being too casual about what had just happened, as if you’re ignoring it all. Or you simply have no control over anything that you’re doing. “Let me tell you a secret, Injunie.” The sugarcoated nickname. You’re definitely too drunk at the moment, and whatever you do now will be long forgotten the next morning.

Renjun still doesn’t say anything, relishing in the kiss on the cheek just seconds ago. His fingers lightly touch his face, grazing upon the very part your lips came in contact with. He’s truly through the moon and— “I used to have the biggest crush on Jaemin.” Renjun abruptly steps on the brakes, whipping the both of you in your seats.

His heart is falling, it’s plummeting and he can’t do anything to save it. “I really didn’t expect such a surprised reaction.”

Renjun clears his throat. “I’m just caught off guard.” Not a lie, he really wasn’t expecting a confession and his heart to break right at this moment. “Why Jaemin?”

He knows why Jaemin. He’s a social butterfly with no caution to the wind and a heart made of pure kindness. A welcoming friendly figure that won’t hesitate to feed into someone’s need for words of affirmation. Not to mention, Jaemin has a good few inches above him and looks of a poster kpop idol. Of course, you liked Jaemin.

“He has such a good heart. I guess I just like guys who think of me first, as selfish as that sounds. I don’t prioritize myself, so it would be nice if someone else did.” You fiddle your thumbs and Renjun is impatiently tapping his fingers against the wheel.

The red traffic light before you enacts two different feelings. Renjun wants this ride to end as fast as possible. You want this ride to last forever.

“But, Jaemin is seeing someone.”

Your head ducks down and out the window at the shining streetlamps; you know very well about Jaemin’s love life. “I didn’t expect anything from him. I just liked him for him. He came to pick me up every time I would ask, I guess I have a thing for guys who do that.”

Renjun tightens his grip, heart pounding at your statement. You peer up to look at your friend in the lack of light. His glasses sit low on his nose bridge, a soft cotton shirt hugs his torso, and pajama pants that clad his legs. A mess bed of hair as the cherry on top.

After Jaemin, you swore to yourself that you wouldn’t fall for anyone so easily. All of that was thrown out the window the very first night Renjun came to your saving. Despite contrary belief, your heart is not as impenetrable as people make you out to be. And as tough as you can be, it was too hard not to be the slightest interested in him.

Ever since your first meeting, Renjun has always been cool and collected. He’s a hothead at his best, but too playful for any serious damage. Renjun reminds you of yourself. Like a huge impenetrable wall built against any trouble to enter, he is as guarded as you are. He’s timid, and while you had tried your best to hide your own, Renjun simply embraces that part of him.

Renjun stayed after every tearful night. He’s helped you through every difficult study guide, if anything he saved your failing grade.

Renjun puts you first throughout anything; asking if you want the booth seat at restaurants, strategically walking on the outer side so you can avoid driving cars, always has your favorite snacks without you asking. Every tiny gesture, may you be slightly delusional, seemed as if he loved you. And if he did, you wouldn’t mind one bit because you wanted to love him back.

“What about you? We’ve never really talked about our love lives before.” You speak up in the silence, Rejun being awfully quiet tonight. He hopes you don’t blame him, but everything has been too overwhelming. He is no longer sure on what he wants to do or how to react.

“My love life is too sad to talk about.” He’s never wanted to talk about it with you, in case he’d slip up and say something too revealing. “It’s a long list of unrequited loves. I’ve given up on professing my feelings to someone at this point.”

“What would have to happen to get you to confess?” Your eyes coin a mischievous twinkle.

Renjun feels his palms grow sweaty, a bit nervous with this conversation topic. 

“Something catastrophic.”

Something catastrophic did end up happening. Renjun wishes he could disappear, or if he runs away, would anyone notice?

He stands behind your fuming stance. In any other given situation, Renjun would be more than flattered that you’re standing up for him. However in this case, you’re making a fool out of yourself on his behalf.

“Oh, so you haven’t told (Y/N) about the bet?” Of all the nights Renjun decides to accompany you on a Friday evening, he runs until the one person he never wanted to come within ten feet to.

Truthfully, the night was going well. He ran into a few of his other acquaintances from his club, others from his classes. You held onto his arm the moment you two entered the party, afraid to lose this precious boy in the dense crowd. People walked by and expressed how cute you two looked together.

You poured him drinks that will make his head throb and you busted dance moves that made his heart throb. You were the epitome of a fun time, like an explosion of positive endorphins. Your toothy smiles. Your bright electrified eyes. Your sweet laughter. This was the last beautiful image he had of you before everything came falling apart.

“What bet?” You quickly turn around to face Renjun. His hand scratches the back of his neck and his gaze stays staring at his own feet. Your throat grows tight from Renjun’s hesitation.

“He made a bet with me that he could get you to fall in love with him.” Please stop talking, Renjun begs in his thoughts. He tightens his fist, unable to form words to speak. The thumping of the loud music makes it hard to focus.

“He—” Shaky voice and stuttering… even you are having doubts of Renjun’s character. “He wouldn’t do that.” Your eyes bounce between him and Renjun.

“I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you don't know him very well then.” Renjun’s arrogant friend crosses his arms coolly, a smug smirk unfolding on his face.

“It’s true, (Y/N). I did make the bet and I regret it every waking day.” Renjun finally speaks up, but you’re out the door before he can continue.

There isn’t another thought in his head when he’s running after you; you’re already so far down the road. The secret was bound to be revealed, but he wasn’t ready for it. He was never going to be ready for this day because his first mistake was making the bet to begin with.

He should have thought about you. He should have just swallowed his pride and talked his friend out of it. Was that a choice? Could he have just done that instead of letting it fester into such a problem?

Out of breath and out of mind, Renjun calls out your name. When you spin on your heels to walk toward him, his heart reaches for you. However, you push at his chest and he almost falls backwards.

You’re angry, more than angry. You’re upset. You have every right to be. “What were you thinking, Renjun?” There is a small crack in your voice and he can see your tear stained cheeks under the moonlight. “Am I even your friend? All this time… you had an agenda. Were your actions all fake, then? You wanted to manipulate me into falling in love with you?”

Your words are hitting like large bricks. You are questioning the past five months of your friendship and everything Renjun has ever done for you. A false reality, Renjun didn’t actually give a damn about you. He wanted to prove some odd male status. Could you be any more blind?

“Please let me explain… I was drunk out of my mind that night and the bet I made was stupid. It was before proper evaluation. Does it make it okay? No, I understand that.” Renjun speaks with his hands, clearly panicked and frazzled by the way they waved around in the air. “The bet… I did it to protect you from that guy. I didn’t want him to hurt you.”

“So you hurt me instead?” If someone were to listen closely, they would be able to hear the shattering of two hearts tonight. On this late evening, two hearts are broken under the moon and stars.

But it’s pitiful because the arrow that struck Renjun remains intact. He still loves you, which is why it pains him so much to where he can’t breathe. The information in his head is scattered, like an alarm blaring through his empty brain.

All he knows is that he loves you. You are the one thing he’s afraid of losing. From the first words you two exchanged, his fear that he hid all too well is and always will be losing you.

“That was not my intention ever. I never wanted to hurt you.” Renjun takes a step closer, but you take one back.

“Well you did because your little bet… it worked. I love you, Renjun, so congratulations.” There is bitterness and an inexplicable amount of heartbreak that lace your venomous confession.

All of his life, he thought that if one person liked him back, he’d be the happiest person in the world. Possibly confused at how to proceed with the information, but definitely glad that someone could see any redeeming characteristics in him.

But he feels all the opposite. Your confession keeps his heart broken. If anything, it puzzles him more. “How..? Why would you ever like me?” There were no tricks, no attempts at flirtation, nothing out of bounds of being your friend. He just had himself. And if anyone in the universe were to like him, he’d never expect it would be you.

You groan, growing more infuriated at Renjun. “Because you’re everything I wish I could be. You’re level-headed and insightful. You’re calm and cool, without any necessary arrogance. The way you make me feel… I feel important to you, at least, I thought I was.” Your voice continues to drop softer and softer, “how could I not like you?”

The butterflies could not come at a better time. Hearing you compliment him when he found it difficult to look past his own self deprecation, he’s beyond any levels of shock. Nevertheless, he feels apologetic and knew that this is all too good to be true.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N), for making that terrible bet. But, I need you to know one thing: our friendship was genuine. All I’ve ever wanted these past months is to make sure your sweet smile stays resting on your beautiful face.”

“Why? You didn’t know me! You used me for some … pride gamble. I was nothing to you the day you made that bet.” You shout harsh words at him, and Renjun can’t hold back any longer.

This is what he meant by something catastrophic. When he’s pushed to the edge of a cliff, all his buttons are pressed aggressively. Everything falling apart. The loose ends coming undone all too quickly to grapple. He never wanted it to come to this.

“That-That’s not true! I loved you long before that regretful night! You mean every single moment of happiness to me. You’re every ray of sunshine that kisses my skin, every blue sky that reminds me of good days. You mean everything to me.” Genuine words pour from his lips, hoping that you’ll understand what’s left of his heart.

“You’re confessing?” You gasp, practically dazed at the amount of metaphors he compared you to. “Something catastrophic.” A small moment of recollection and a mumble under your breath, you’re understanding what he meant by the phrase he used several nights ago.

“Yes because I can't lose you. I’m a mess of feelings at the moment, but I just know that I’m scared to wake up to days without you in them.” Renjun pleads, the night air causing goosebumps to rise on his arms. His eyes are full of melancholy and fear as he waits for your response.

And you want to forgive him, but would that mean your heart is being too easy? You feel lingering pain, but your eyes reflect Renjun. “To think I thought you were pretty fearless.” Scoffing, you roll your eyes at him and are completely unsure what to do next.

Nevertheless, you’ve wanted someone like Renjun at some point in your life. You hoped for better days and those didn’t start happening until you two met. Renjun went from being your distant study partner to being your number one person to call. He’s wiped more tears than any boy has.

The difference between Renjun and Jaemin is while Jaemin is known to have an extravagantly warm presence, Renjun’s is hidden underneath all the quietness. Like a breakthrough, getting through Renjun felt like getting through to yourself. You needed him to aid in your own self love.

All you’ve ever wanted is to be seen and Renjun saw you.

“I forgive you.” Renjun can finally breathe and rest his tense muscles. But when he reaches for your hand, you take it away. “But it doesn’t mean we are okay. I’ll approach you when I’m ready.”

It’s not easy to love as it’s not easy to pretend that everything can go back to normal after being hurt. You need him to understand that, would he wait for you? The many others before didn’t.

“Okay.” That is all he can say, in the midst of a defeat, he still wishes that you’d stay by his side. But he wrestles that desire with transparency and having organic feelings. Nonetheless, he values the latter. If you did really somehow manage to love him, you’ll come back when you’re ready. He knows. He understands. He sees you through and through.

And he watches you disappear back into the house to find a friend to drive you home. He loves you, but love can also be consequential.

It’s already midway into the school semester and not that Renjun is counting or anything, but it’s been practically a whole month since the night at the party. He’s done nothing, except sigh in despair and reminisce about the memories before they were ruined.

While Jaemin’s efforts to console him are much appreciated, it doesn’t do much for the fact that you haven’t acknowledged Renjun’s existence for a whole thirty days.

And although he’ll wait a lifetime for you, the question of when he should move on ponders his clouded thoughts. His intensively agonizing desire of wanting to be by your side has dwindled down now. Renjun just wants to see you happy.

“Hey Cupid,” It’s a newly despised nickname coined by the one and only person who knows how to push at Renjun’s buttons — Lee Haechan. Haechan knocks obnoxiously at his door and does not wait around to hear an answer, “get your sad face out here.”

“Go away, Haechan. I’m not in the mood.” As Renjun mindlessly skims over his calendar for important dates, he is pained by the reminder of your upcoming birthday. You had marked it yourself a while back and specifically told Renjun that his attendance is entirely mandatory.

Times have changed now, right? You’ve been radio silent for weeks and as much as he hates to say this to himself: you probably don’t remember making such an assertion. Why would you? You’re most likely not thinking about him anymore anyways and maybe that’s for the better.

“Hey! Lovestruck Asshole, I’m not going to tell you again. Get that arrow out of your ass and come outside now.” Just the demand alone in Haechan’s voice irritates Renjun enough to where he’s storming to open his door.

But what it reveals is not the smirk of his annoying housemate, instead, it is the image of the very first time Renjun ever laid eyes on you and the moment Cupid’s Arrow struck right through his heart. It’s a rush of nostalgia that surges through his veins.

You sit with a hand underneath your chin and elbow pressing into a flat surface for support. The dazed stare of daydream as you’re unaware of your surroundings, yet still waiting for something exciting to catch your attention. And just how lovely you look in the softest rose colored shirt and how your lips, still barely glistening from a quick swipe of your tongue, are slightly agape into an expressionless rest.

All before your eyes trail to the distraction of another body entering the room and for a brief second, make eye contact with Renjun as he’s all the more astonished by your grace. Then like a scene that’s imprinted in his head too clearly, your gaze drops back down to the floor and you’re back to your inner thoughts.

As if the pierced arrow in his heart is triggered, Renjun rediscovers the feelings of a newfound infatuation — a crush. Though baseless except in regards to physical attraction, he’s nonetheless amazed by how quickly you take his breath away… again.

Unlike the first memory, you actually speak to him as you’re now familiar with the starry eyed boy. “It’s been a while.”

The color in your voice that he’s missed hearing is pure music. He clears his throat as if he’s afraid of his own vocal chords breaking from nervousness.

“H-Hey, yeah. It’s been a while.” Renjun repeats dumbfounded that you’re even sitting in his shared living room.

“How have you been?” There you are being polite, but the giddiness still runs like static through his veins at being asked about his well being.

“Lost.” He blurts out the first word that comes to mind. Perhaps, he should stop using words with such heavy implications to friendly gestures. Your head immediately pops up and he scrambles to correct himself. “I mean I’ve been distracted lately.”

“Sadness really does take its course.” You tread lightly, testing the waters with a small grin. The atmosphere is oddly comforting, like feeling you can’t quite replace.

Renjun looks rather rough around the edges, but you don’t blame him since you did show up unannounced. However, the glint in his eyes is much of a delight to see. The way his small mouth curves into the tiniest smile and the gentleness in his regular cadence remind you of past long days full of laughter. The best part of them all — you spent them together.

“My birthday is coming up soon.” Jumping straight to the point of your visit, you stand up to approach him. “I plan to host a small party… and I remember saying a while back that your attendance is mandatory.”

Renjun catches his breath in his throat and he could run gleeful laps around the room if it isn’t for the poorly spaced complex. “So are you still down, Huang Renjun?”

“I’d love that.” He smiles greatly at your offer and as simple as that, your arms wrap around his torso into a long awaited embrace.

“Me too.” You mumble into his shirt and take a deep breath of his lavender scented detergent, “I’m ready. I’m ready to have you in my life. I’m ready to laugh with you. I’m ready to lay in your company. I’m ready to give you my heart.”

As you finish your last sentence, his arms wrap around you too and pull you into a tighter hold. “You have always had mine.”

Renjun can finally remove the arrow that unforgivingly stayed stuck in his heart for the longest time. Your reciprocated love fills up the hole that is left behind. He can now love you with a full and whole heart.

[takaraphoenix]

Three Crows and a Goat

Fandom: Shadow and Bone / Grishaverse

Tags: m/m, character introspect, kind of fluff, jealousy, Asexual Kaz

Main Pairing: Kaz/Jesper

Summary: Kaz Brekker wasn't an emotional man, at least not when it came to expressing his emotions. He rather showed it. Like by getting his partner an Emotional Support Goat.

Links: On AO3 / On FFNet

--

Kaz Brekker wouldn't consider himself a emotional man. That wasn't to say he didn't have emotions; he simply preferred not to broadcast them, or to say them out loud. He was a controlled man, a man who always had control – over himself, his emotions, any situation at hand.

He had been informed that while that made him brilliant at his job, it made him questionable at best as a romantic partner. He wasn't one for physical signs of affection either. Human touch came... hard to him. Very rarely and only with those he truly trusted and loved. So any touch at all was already a huge sign of his affections. Still, when his eyes would wander and he saw other couples, hanging all over each other, constantly touching. It made his skin crawl. And it on occasion woke a strange sense of guilt – not an emotion Kaz experienced too often.

His partner didn't mind. He knew Kaz, knew who Kaz was – and that was who Jesper loved. The whole package, all of it, all of him. Baggage, quirks, issues and all. They had found their own ways of handling some things; Kaz' dislike of touch extended to a sexual level. It wasn't something he desired, even though he was close to Jesper, close enough to touch him on occasions, in reassurance, gently. Not sexually. For long, he had thought those two were linked, the same; he disliked touch, so of course did the thought of touching someone intimately not sit right with him. It was only after he had... fallen in love, that he had come to realize that these two things were not entirely the same, because even when he felt the urge to touch Jesper, it was never in such a manner.

And even that, Jesper was okay with. He'd had such a soft look on his face when he had assured Kaz of that. Yet Kaz knew Jesper was a sexual creature, he was a physical person. And so they had come to an agreement, regarding that. As long as it was purely sex – no emotion, no repeats, no personal details exchanged – Jesper was free to lay with whoever he liked.

On occasion, very rare occasions, Kaz found himself doubtful. Doubtful whether this was enough for Jesper. Because Jesper was not like Kaz – he was an emotional person. He was expressive in his emotions. Affectionate. Perhaps not in the traditional sense either, but still.

All of these factors culminated in Kaz Brekker, feared and respected throughout all of Ketterdam, carrying a fluffy baby goat through the streets. If any of his enemies could see him now-

He tried to carry the fluffy baby goat with as much dignity as he could, but there was very little dignity in carrying a fluffy baby goat. The only thing that kept him going was knowing what the goat was for. He knew both Jesper and Inej had thrown him suspicious and surprised looks when he had volunteered to get the goat; that was a job far beneath Kaz Brekker. There was a reason.

Because Kaz was not too good at showing his emotions. And because Jesper was very expressive in showing what he was feeling at all times. And because Kaz knew what the goat was for.

/break\

On the train, seeing Jesper just completely lose it and have a meltdown, Kaz knew most other partners would have gone over there to comfort him personally, hold him close in a tight, soothing embrace. Kiss him, hold him, make him feel safe. Kaz knew how to do the last of those and on occasions the first two, but this was different. This was on a different level.

"I need you to calm down. Hug the goat, shut the hell up!"

At first, Jesper looked startled. Him and Inej had both suspected the goat to be bait, to be a sacrifice if push came to shove. With furrowed brows did Jesper pick up the goat and gently caress it before hugging it tightly. Kaz could hear him whisper a startled so soft before he wrapped himself around the small furred creature. Fully and completely wrapped around the goat.

Kaz sat stiff, watching with wary eyes. Watching the gentle touch as Jesper caressed the fur, buried his face in the goat's neck, hugging it with both arms. The longer he hugged the goat, the more he calmed down. Physical contact soothed him. This comforted him. And Kaz knew that. He also knew he wouldn't be comfortable trading places with the goat, being hugged with so much intensity, two arms wound tightly, face buried in a neck, full body contact. The thought was overwhelming.

And so Kaz Brekker had gone and organized a goat. A small, soft goat. The one the woman he had gotten it from had assured him was the cutest of the goats. So Jesper would have something, something soft and warm and reassuring. Something to hug.

Perhaps Kaz was not the typical kind of partner, perhaps he couldn't offer Jesper the same things others could. But he was Kaz Brekker and he knew how to make the things he could do count.

The smirk spreading over his lips was pleased and satisfied as he watched his partner calm down enough to get up and get his gun out and shoot with pure, raw precision at any danger threatening them from the outside.

/break\

Kaz ran his hands over his cane. Over the mended parts. It was a love-language in itself, the way Jesper had fixed the cane. Theirs was a subtle way of showing each other their affection, but that did not make it any less strong. Like his hands, his eyes wandered. They were on a ship, about to leave for Ketterdam again. Return home. This mission had been a huge failure all around. Perhaps not a full failure, considering they had seen the 'saint' with their own eyes. Had seen the Sun Summoner, the light, the power, the... miracle. Kaz was not a believer, yet did religion not stop being religion when it was physical and graspable? The girl sitting opposite him was not some fabled saint in some religious tomb to be prayed at. She was no Sun Summoner or Sankta Alina, she was a lost girl. She was a lost girl, a scared girl, as he had seen so many before in his life.

The supposed saint sat between her friend and Inej. Inej, who had barely been able to tear her eyes off Alina since they had met her. There was awe and wonder in Inej's eyes, in a way Kaz had never seen before. Even as she was speaking with Jesper, she could hardly look away from Alina.

"The friends we made along the way."

Kaz quirked an eyebrow at that, looking more intensely at Mal and Alina. They truly expected to keep those two, didn't they? No. Lost girl or not, Kaz wasn't in the habit of keep every stray they met. Though, admittedly, he did invest in one of a kind and there was probably nothing more unique than the Sun Summoner herself. It would make Inej happy, that was for sure.

"I'm talking about Milo," clarified Jesper indignantly when Alina looked to be getting a big head.

"Who's Milo?" wanted Mal to know, confusion all over his face.

It was Inej who rolled her eyes, albeit affectionately. "No one you need to concern yourselves with."

That only made Jesper look even more offended. The goat was supposed to serve one purpose; get Jesper through the train ride safely. Instead, he had... grown attached to the animal. Named it. Bonded with it. Kept bringing it up. Kaz Brekker was not a jealous person in nature – he knew what was his and he made sure they were always clear in what that meant. Yet, inexplicably so, he felt jealous of a goat. A ridiculous motion that he most definitely could not allow anyone to know about. What was, perhaps, even more ridiculous was what followed.

"Mister Brekker. Your... special delivery, sir."

Kaz arched an eyebrow and turned toward the voice. "About time. The ship is about to leave."

He put as much displeasure into his words as possible, though he still took the bag of coins from his belt and handed it over to the young woman, in exchange for... a rope. Jesper next to him gasped m a high-pitched manner as he turned and saw what was on the other end of the rope.

"Milo!" Jesper's voice was loud, drawing unwanted attention and earning a pointed glare from Kaz, causing him to immediately drop his voice. "But how—Where-Why? I thought our funds were dwindled, why would you-?"

As he spoke, or rather rambled in broken half-sentences, he picked up the goat, hugging it close and kissing its head. Kaz made a face at that, though subtly so. Though he may not understand why Jesper felt that way about this creature, he knew the goat was making him happy. Otherwise, Jesper would not have kept bringing it up all the time.

"It seemed like a worthy investment," dismissed Kaz shortly.

Inej was hiding a smile and... Mal made a loud sound. "The goat! The goat that helped me escape!"

He lunged forward and started petting the goat too, much to everyone's surprise. "You too? How?"

"There, in that necklace around its neck, was a bullet. I used it to break my chains. To escape. A good boy, aren't you? Such a good boy!" Mal laughed, ruffling the goat's fur.

"His name is Milo and he is the best boy," agreed Jesper eagerly, petting Milo's flank.

"Milo, is it? Pretty boy," Mal was nearly cooing at that. "How do you know him?"

As Jesper launched into a retelling of how they had first crossed the fold, the other three were left simply staring at them. At least Kaz wasn't the only one watching them in mild disturbance. When Kaz turned a little, Alina had taken a seat next to him.

"You two are a very... different couple," whispered Alina curiously.

"I doubt that is any of your business," stated Kaz just a little coldly.

He wasn't one for chitchat either. Though he had to admit, he was mildly impressed that she had picked up on it. Most people who met Kaz and Jesper didn't realize what they were, that they were partners beyond their work. Perhaps there was a potential to Alina, even beyond being a Sun Summoner. She could be useful. Not that he was making any definite decisions, though he had to admit that it would bring Inej joy. And, looking at Jesper and Mal bonding over a goat, all Kaz saw was yet another argument Jesper and Inej would use to try and convince him to keep Mal and Alina.

"This is very thoughtful of you," continued Alina, not minding him, the smallest smile on her lips.

Kaz opted to ignore her. Perhaps then she would go away. Or stop irritating him. She surely seemed to fit in with them, he mused as he looked back toward Jesper, Mal and the goat.

"Oh. Oh, I'll go and find him something to eat," suggested Mal eagerly. "He deserves it."

Jesper handed the rope over to Mal and let the other lead Milo away. Instead, he turned toward Kaz, basically beaming at him. That expression surely was worth the money spent. Kaz swallowed down the smile fighting its way up onto his own lips. No such things, certainly not in public. Instead, he slowly reached out and rested his hand on Jesper's, holding it gently. If possible, the smile on Jesper's lips brightened even more.

~*~ The End ~*~

[mylovelies-docx]

Silent Lovers

Inspired by THIS post. 

Just a cute little fluffy piece I wrote. It hasn’t been proofed, so any mistakes are mine. 

Word Count: 2350

Warnings: None. Tooth-rotting fluff!

You fell in love with him just a little bit more every day.

His actions, his mannerisms, the glimmer in his eyes spoke of a man infinitely amused and in awe of the universe around him despite everything it had put him through. Poe Dameron may have been the Resistance’s best pilot, but he was also the reason so many people joined in the fight. Including you.

_____________

You had seen him buying galactic fruit from a bazaar on an allied planet that you had called home for years. His insignia emblazoned jacket marked him as a good guy, but his smile marked him as a kind man. His straight white teeth were easily visible, and his deep smile lines indicated a lifetime of grins.

You were too far away to hear their conversation, but you could tell that the stall owner was quite taken with him. They were laughing boisterously and exchanging quips rapid fire, pulling others around them into the conversation. The gravity of Poe Dameron sucked you in as well, and you orbited the outskirts of the group.

Poe was recruiting new members to his cause using only his charisma and charm. He never faltered on reasons to join and never stumbled through the sales pitch. He was confident in himself and his ability to sell the war efforts to this small group of traders and civilians. He succeeded, too.

You gained passage on a cargo ship heading to the Resistance base to supply yourself as a new recruit. Working as a mechanic for most of your life lent itself as a boon to your placement on base, and having sufficient flight and combat skills meant you could also be a substitute pilot on missions when required. But with so many X-wings coming in damaged and in need of repair after skirmishes with the First Order, your feet were planted firmly on the ground. Which was alright by you since all of your new friends were fellow mechanics or mission control crew.

It was also fine by you since you were able to discreetly observe Poe Dameron in his natural element as Commander and pilot. There were so many talented mechanics that you weren’t able to gain access to Poe’s X-wing, and therefore you were unable to get to know him up close. But you were content to watch from the sidelines and learn who he was by watching his interactions with others.

___________________

He had a smile or a special handshake with nearly everyone when things were calm. You could tell that he genuinely enjoyed speaking with and knowing everyone he worked with; whether that be the droids helping to repair his ship or the runners that brought out rations who were too young to fight. You enjoyed seeing his smile, since it was the first little thing you fell in love with.

Poe also had a habit of singing - quite loudly - when he was working on a task and feeling particularly playful. He was actually a good singer, but when Snap or Jessika gave him a look to shut up, he purposefully sang off key and out of tune to irritate them further. They would just roll their eyes and pretend to be annoyed, but they smiled when they looked away. Poe noticed these smiles and grinned even wider when he caught them.

Poe had even gotten his little droid, BB-8, to beep along with him. Poe would start whistling a tune and BB-8 would pick up right alongside him. It was cute to see the droid sway back and forth while it was ‘singing’, but your focus was drawn to the sound of Poe’s voice as he started up the chorus.

Whether or not his singing was out of contentment or playfulness, you loved to hear it. You often hummed along to yourself, five or six stations away on the opposite side of the hangar, far out of reach of Poe’s ears and eyes.

You loved to hear him sing, because that meant everything was okay for the moment. Your heart skipped a beat every time you caught even a note.

__________________

The constantly tousled brown curls that rested on Poe’s head were disastrous to your heart, as well. Anxious or nervous, laughing or silly, Poe was notorious for running his hands through his hair and shaking out the curls. You saw him do this on many occasions, unfortunately they were mostly out of stress and fear. 

Before an important mission, Poe would give his team a pep talk and try to instill a fearlessness in them. He would be serious and stoic, resting a hand on someone’s shoulder and pointing and motioning with the other. He would clap twice then rub his hands together feverishly, dismissing his squadron and turning his focus onto preparing himself. Poe would take a deep breath with his hands on his hips, then on the exhale scrub his hands frantically through his hair. His face was always set in a determined expression, but you could tell by the chaotic set of his curls how anxious he really was.

On one such ritual, Poe caught you staring from across the hangar. You froze for a second, mentally berating yourself for watching him for too long. 

Heart in your throat and stomach somewhere around your knees, you gave a weak smile and two thumbs up. Your first interaction with the man you were silently in love with.

Poe gave a little huff of laughter and mimicked your gesture. With a small grin on his lips and in seemingly better spirits, he climbed into his X-wing and pulled a helmet over his beautifully disheveled hair.

                                                            ******

Poe Dameron knew a lot of people, but he didn’t know you. You, who he’d never seen before until that day. You were cute in an unassuming way; flushed cheeks and messy hair, grease stains on your clothes and face. The little thumbs up you had given him was enough to get him in his cockpit and out into the fray. You had no idea how much he had needed encouragement from someone other than himself in that moment.

After that mission, Poe took to watching you. You didn’t know each other, but he liked to think he knew you just by observing. 

He fell in love with you a little bit more every day. 

Your expressions, your posture, your smile that lit up a room and illuminated everything within its path. You may have been one of the best mechanics on base, but you were also one of the loveliest people Poe had never met.

______________

Poe was not typically shy; he had a loud mouth, a hot temper, and no impulse control. But when it came to you, he was a nervous wreck. Every time he got up the courage to introduce himself, someone either came along and roped him into a mission or you were so busy that you didn’t hear him clearing his throat behind you. (Those times were mortifying: Snap and Jess would chortle unabashedly at his misfortune, dying over the way he would ring his hands behind his back as he waited for you to turn around and notice him. Poe only ever stuck around for a few seconds until his courage was gone, but those few seconds were embarrassing.) He couldn’t bring himself to interrupt your work when you were so invested.

Your eyebrows would furrow together and create a little line right in the middle, tempting Poe to smooth it out; your mouth would curl up like you had witnessed something distasteful, begging Poe to give you something more to your liking, but sometimes you’d bite your lower lip and stick your tongue out in concentration, sending Poe’s blood careening through every vein; you would be hunched so far over your work bench that you basically had your chin pressed against the table, but Poe loved the way your face softened as you finally figured out what was wrong with the part in your hands.

One time, Poe sat huddled in the hangar with a group of pilots, waiting on the sudden storm to pass so that they could go out and train, when he noticed you run off into the rain. He sat mesmerized with a goofy grin on his mouth as he saw you fling your arms open and raise your face into the oncoming water. Your eyes were closed and your mouth was open in a wide smile full of pretty teeth. You spun in a circle a few times and nearly lost your balance, sending you into a fit of giggles that, unbeknownst to you, Poe joined in on. 

Jessika shoved an elbow into Snap’s waist when she caught their Commander with such a gooey expression. They both gave each other a look and brought Poe back into the conversation.

                                                           ******

You really didn’t know what to do with yourself anymore. Poe was all you could think of in your spare time and you ran the risk every day that he would catch you watching him again. But you couldn’t help it; he was just so handsome and good. You couldn’t get over this stupid, silent crush no matter how hard you fought it.

He doesn’t even know who you are, just that you’re some nerfherder that he caught staring at him.

A few months had passed since that happened, and you were no closer to knowing Poe on a personal level. Interestingly enough, though, Jessika Pava and Snap Wexley were becoming fast friends of yours. You were a bit intimidated at first, but they were both nice and funny, so you quickly let down your guard and hung out with them. They often brought up Poe, which made your cheeks warm everytime. You didn’t miss the knowing looks they gave you when you turned your face down and away from their prying eyes.

_________

It was an uncommonly windy day on D’Qar, so all of the pilots were grounded and unable to practice maneuvers. Everyone was resting on or against a pile of supply crates in the hangar, chatting and having a good time. You didn’t want to interrupt them, but you needed some materials from the crate that Jessika was situated on. Since you knew her and knew she wouldn’t be bothered by your interruption, you made your way over to the group quietly.

Poe was standing beside Snap on Jess’s other side, so you sidled up behind her and whispered in her ear:

“Boo.”

Jessika jolted off of the box and whirled around to face you. You were laughing so hard that you were bent over at the waist with tears collecting in the corners of your eyes. You couldn’t stop yourself from seizing the prime opportunity.

“Maker! You scared me half to death!” Jessika scolded, wagging a finger at you. Her heart was still racing, but she couldn’t help but chuckle at your antics.

“I know, I’m sorry,” you apologized, wiping away the tears that were threatening to fall. “I couldn’t help myself.”

You were still grinning from ear to ear and huffing out little breaths of laughter, causing Poe’s heart to constrict in his chest at the sight. You were so cute it hurt.

You were so close it hurt. You weren’t looking at him, but he could see your face up close for the first time, and it took his breath away. He had seen a million beautiful people across the galaxy, but there was something about you that was special in a way that none of them had been.

Jessika glanced quickly away from your smiling face to catch Poe with his mouth slightly open and eyes wide with longing. Finally, she had gotten these two idiots within speaking distance.

“Whatever: I forgive you. By the way…” Jessika said. Her eyes darted towards Poe, and yours followed along. Your breath stuttered out of your lungs as Jess grabbed Poe by the arm and tugged him closer. “Have you met Commander Dameron?”

Jessika released Poe’s arm and shoved him closer towards you. Poe nearly stumbled over his feet at the sudden pressure. He turned to give Jess a quick glare, but faced you again immediately. Your eyes were wide and your face was either still flushed from laughter or from nerves; either way, Poe was enamored.

“Poe,” he introduced. He extended an open palm towards you, hoping like hell that it wasn’t sweaty. His heart was racing, but a crooked grin stretched across one side of his face in anticipation.

“I know,” you replied, extending your hand in return. You cringed at your reply, pausing your hand on its way to meet his. You made a quick finger blaster with that same hand to point out that you had caught your slip. Poe chuckled adoringly at this gesture and proceeded to clasp hands when yours returned to the correct position.

You were absolutely horrified by what came out of your mouth and whatever the Maker your hand just did. Your social anxiety was at an all time high right now, and you weren’t making it any easier on yourself. You were shaky and you just knew that your underarms were pouring liquid, so you kept your one arm extended to shake Poe’s hand and the other crossed over your chest to grasp your opposite bicep. Even through the nerves, you could feel how warm his hand was.

Poe had a large and calloused hand, proof of all the years he had spent fighting. It radiated heat into your own palm and you didn’t know whose hand was providing all the sweat. Despite the awkwardness you had shoehorned into this meeting, you were thankful that it was finally happening.

“(Y/N),” you supplied.

“I know,” Poe grinned.

You had both fallen in love from a distance and now had the opportunity to fall in love up close and personal, building on top of the foundation you had both laid together silently and without the other’s notice.

You were no longer silent lovers, appreciating and admiring from afar, but finally intimate acquaintances. 

[terrific-togekiss]

Rewriting Sonic Characters into other Continuities: Cosmo The Seedrian

With the 18th anniversary of Sonic X not too long ago, many fond memories of the anime started to resurface, as a question begun to ponder...

What if Cosmo The Seedrian was in other Sonic related media?

She was one of the most memorable parts of the show in my opinion, mostly due Season 3 of Sonic X being an original story. With that out of the way, let's get started!

These are just rough ideas and I would love to see some feedback!

Classic!Cosmo: About a month after the events of Sonic CD, Little Planet appears above Never Lake for its monthly visit to Earth. Sonic and Tails decide to visit and are surprised to find a growing population of plant people known as Seedrians.

As it turns out, Dr. Robotnik used the power of the Time Stones to reverse the Seedrians into the Miracle Planet flowers and seeds, before they had a chance to fight back.

Now that Dr. Robotnik is gone, they live in peace and praise the blue hedgehog that saved their people.

As Sonic is enjoying the festivities, Tails bumps into a shy Seedrian known as Cosmo. They become quick friends, bonding over sciences (Cosmo is more a botany genius in this continuity) and Tails even takes her for flight on the Tornado.

Sonic and Tails promise to visit her every time Little Planet comes back to Earth, to see their new friend.

This Cosmo is more quiet and keeps to herself, but the moment you get to know her she talks all the time.

Modern!Cosmo: The Cosmo of this era is a lot older and more independent, as she now leaves Little Planet on her to explore the Earth more, fascinated by this planet.

I'm addition to other Seedrians being NPCs in any open world Sonic games.

This becomes a running theme for Sonic games where she's off exploring and being in awe of the planet's flora, or just hanging with either Tails, Cream or Amy.

During Sonic Heroes, she would form a team with Might, Ray and herself. Since the three of them love nature so much and would be known as Team Naturals. Mighty being Power, Ray being Flight and Cosmo being Speed. The Team Blast involving the three of them homing attacking a series of giant seed bombs.

In Sonic Riders, she has an extreme gear board called "Mother Nature's Embrace", when you unlock her.

During Sonic Unleashed, her and Tails were testing Gaia energy on the local flora and fauna, to see if stopping Dark Gaia was the only cure to possessed people.

With small lovey dovey moments between her and Tails in the games, since we all know about the mandates. Or just a friendship if they're that strict and carry over to other characters.

During Sonic Generations, she's the NPC for the stage "Tidal Tempest" from Sonic CD and remarks if Sonic found the Time Stones again, if Classic Sonic saved her.

During Sonic Forces, she's in charge of food production in the Resistance, due to her power over plants.

The Cosmo of the Modern Sonic games is more akin to her in Sonic X, except with higher self esteem and doesn't have motion sickness. She can be rather clumsy, very kind, gentle and quiet, with a preference for not fighting unless necessary and a bit of a temper. She has a huge passion for botany and medicinal sciences, with gardening being a hobby of hers.

Unfortunately, she doesn't always know her own strength, as Seedrians are born with tremendous strength for housework and helping environments.

SatAM!Cosmo: A ship full of an alien species is soaring through the galaxy, with one mission in mind: find a new home.

They are known as Seedrians.

Once they arrive on a planet that reminds them of the a Mobius Strip in its composition, only to be attacked by robots.

Dr. Robotnik intercepted the space ship transmission and plans to roboticize these innocent aliens.

The Freedom Fighters intervene later on and are only able to save the kids, as the adults are all roboticized into robots. That destroy nature, ironically enough.

Cosmo becomes quick friends with the Freedom Fighters, relating on being orphans and absent parents that are now robotic slaves.

She doesn't really get out on the field like the rest of them, but she does help liven things up for the other kids at Knothole.

Underground!Cosmo: A forest spirit that takes a liking to music along with her sisters, as Sonic Underground makes their trek through Mobius.

I can see a single episode where Robotnik wants to use their powers as ornaments for a fancy gala... only for Sonic, Manic and Sonia to show up and save the day.

Fleetway!Cosmo: There is a legend of a race of warriors that travel across time itself collecting the finest flora, knowing of their extinction in the present day.

They are known as Seedrians.

These legends are found on Miracle Planet... a home to them for a couple of centuries.

Dr. Eggman of course desires this time travel technology for himself and for better use than "flower collecting."

Unlike the time Eggman gained control over all time via the Omni Viewer, he uses the time traveling alien technology to make up a fake history of him as an ancient, prophesied warrior to all of Mobius.

(It's also revealed that the Seedrians disappeared mysteriously and Cosmo has been working like crazy to carry on their work and find her people)

Only for Cosmo and the Freedom Fighters to put a stop to Eggman.

The Cosmo of this continuity is a lot more business oriented and moves from one task to the other, with little time for not following a structure. Underneath it all, is a scared girl that just wants to see her family again, that would never wish anything like that on others.

She bonds with Knuckles over losing your people and spends most visits with him.

Archie!Cosmo: In the Pre-Super Genesis Wave Universe, The Seedrians are seen as a myth to all of Mobius. Mostly due to Little Planet only appearing above Never Lake once a year every month.

The people Albion know of their existence, due to the Time Stones and The Seedrians both being a closely guarded of theirs.

The Seedrians of this continuity are more of a race of peace keepers and warriors, training under Nicholas O'Tyme and the mysterious Knights of Kronos.

Cosmo's father, Lucas develops a curiosity for Mobius and leaves with many other Seedrians to discuss alliances. With Lucas and his wife Earthia meeting the Acorn Kingdom.

Which goes as well as you would think.

Only for Dr. Robotnik to show up he seizes his grip over the planet.

Cosmo and her sister Galaxina go into hiding, along with many other children of the Seedrian adults. Earthia calls upon the powers of nature to to create an entire island, that exists outside of time.

Dr. Robotnik picks up the strange energy waves and attacks the island. With The Freedom Fighters showing up and turning the tide of battle on Robotnik.

Cosmo and Galaxina join the Freedom Fighters, with Cosmo becoming quick friends with Sally due to looking up her confidence and being in a similar situation, but choosing to stand for what's right.

Galaxina is more a mathematics genius and becomes good friends with Rotor and doesn't always get along with Antoine since he always wants play hero and she prefers a more grounded approach to things.

The Cosmo of this universe loves to explore, is a botany and medicinal genius and has a habit of casually mentioning random historical events, due to expose to the Time Stones. She's very kind to others and comes off as very quiet, but doesn't stop talking when you get to know her.

Due to her plant like nature and physiology, she loves Rock and Roll music, leading to her bonding with Sonic.

Her and Tails have a bit of thing going on, but are both shy around it and Tails doesn't have the best experience with relationships. The two of them hookup during Sonic's voyage/"death" in space with Tails' parents being in full support.

A rift is formed between her and her father, as him and many other Seedrians want to keep and redesign Robotnik's technology, while she sees it as ghosts of a rather scary past.

She also discovers the Krudzu and her kind nature surprising leads to her quelling the Krudzu, turning it on the side of the Freedom Fighters.

After the Super Genesis Wave, Cosmo is a resident of Little Planet that leaves to help the Freedom Fighters fight Dr. Eggman. Her personality is more or less the same as the old universe. Her parents stay back and organize Seedrian-Earth relations.

Nicole causes her to remember various events from the old universe like helping prepare for Bunnie and Antoine's wedding, the disagreements with her father, when she first kissed Tails, "befriending" the Krudzu and almost dying by saving most of Knothole and turning into a Chaos energy filled Tree.

[ambssssssssss]

ao3 link

Kara soared high above the city she had called home for the last several years, just as she had done every morning since she first arrived in National City. Her first flights around the city had been thrilling, the adrenaline of using the abilities she had denied to herself for so long filling her being with the same sunlight that powered those special abilities. She had used the flights for an escape while she’d been in college, a way to remove herself from the pressure or fitting in and taking tests and trying to act human. It was all too much sometimes. Kara needed a moment to herself to just breathe in, to close her eyes and listen to the sound of the city she loved and pretend that she didn’t feel like there was something missing. 

As Kara got older, and her presence in National City was noticed more, the nature of her flights changed. No longer was flying over the city too high up for anyone to see an escape but rather a commitment. She couldn’t slip into dark jeans and a black hoodie to disappear against the night sky anymore, especially not after she saved that plane. Now she dons a blue suit and red cape and flies just high enough that the people below can see her and take comfort in the symbol she wore on her chest. Kara took these flights so that the city could be safe, could feel safe. 

It was a habit more than anything else to patrol the city now. When Supergirl had first arrived on the scene, it seemed like there was a new villain in the city every week and all of them had some kind of vendetta against Supergirl, or against her mother or father. Kara fought against them all, absorbed the words of hate that they spewed on her family name and tucked the anger and pain away until she was sure that no one could tell how much of those emotions she carried around with her. Then she stepped out of her Supergirl persona, slipped on a carefully constructed silver ring with a band of red on the inside, and went about her day as Kara Danvers, the longest-running assistant to Cat Grant ever and current reporter attempting to make her way in the world. 

Kara’s days were planned out almost to the minute. She woke up with the sun, basked in the glow of the golden lights for a moment to let her body absorb the strength of its rays, and then slipped her special ring on to go about her day. She arrived at CatCo just early enough to make people think she had to rush to get there on time, made her way into the daily content meetings with acting CEO of CatCo, and Kara’s ex, James and the various heads of departments. Around mid-morning, Kara would duck out of CatCo in the name of a coffee run or chasing down a lead to complete her daily morning patrol, and then she would go back to work and try to act like she didn’t miss the power she felt when she wasn’t wearing her ring. 

Kara’s ring was the first and only time she had applied her vast scientific knowledge to a project on earth. She had made it in the name of fitting in as a normal teenage girl, not an alien from a dead planet who was stronger than almost any other person on earth. The list of people who were stronger than Kara shrank just a little bit each time she was able to use her powers without restraint. The ring was made out of an aluminum alloy mixed with a very small amount of lead that was intended to keep Kal from looking too closely and seeing what the ring housed. 

The inside of the band was hollow to allow for an amount of material very carefully constructed to keep Kara appearing as a normal human without causing her any pain. To get the material, Kara had very carefully extracted the radiation from a sliver of kryptonite Jeremiah had stolen for her, and then separated the radiation generated from the piece of Krypton reacting to earth’s yellow sun from the residual solar energy of Rao that was left in the ore. Kara then tested the amount of red solar radiation she could withstand before she was left completely powerless. Inside the ring she had enough of this modified kryptonite to render her mostly human, unable to fly or use her freeze breath or heat vision, and leaving her as strong as the average gym goer. Most importantly, the modified kryptonite didn’t affect her senses so that Kara could still see, hear, or smell danger coming from far enough away that she could take her ring off in time to be prepared for whatever was coming. The substance only worked if it was pressed directly against her skin, which was why the underside of the ring was covered in it. After being on Earth for so long, as long as she spent a good amount of time each day without the ring on, her powers would return almost instantly. 

Kara’s life was...predictable. The most interesting thing she encountered most days, baring an alien induced apocalypse, was the increasingly awkward flirtatious encounters that Mike seemed to find her in. Mon-El, Mike now that he was mostly settled on Earth, had landed outside of National City in a Kryptonian pod three years ago. Kara had found his pod and taken him to the DEO, the secret government agency where Kara’s sister Alex and their friend J’onn worked. When Mon-El awoke a few days later, he was immediately enamored by Kara, but Kara never returned his feelings. 

Mon-El wasn’t very accepting when Kara informed him that her efforts to help him settle on Earth, getting him a job, teaching him to control his powers, and helping him find an apartment, were simply examples of Kara being friendly and not Kara expressing any sort of attraction to Mon-El. Part of his confusion stemmed from the fact that he was the Prince of Daxam and as such had never been rejected before in his life. Kara told herself that the rest of his confusion came from a misunderstanding of human dating practices. 

Kara might have been tempted to give him points for persistence if she believed that she was the only one Mon-El was pursuing, but Mike was well known as the office flirt. It wouldn’t have changed anything for Kara either way. Every encounter with Mike left Kara wishing that she had gotten him a job literally anywhere else in the city, maybe even in a different city all together. Their encounters were stifled and always lasted too long in Kara’s opinion. 

In everything that she did, Kara felt like she was simply drifting through her life. She wasn’t flying anymore, no direction to go in and no light in the distance for her to set her sights on. She simply hovered and let the motions of her life flow through her. 

The longer this went on, the harder it was for Kara to ignore that feeling that there was something missing. 

“Supergirl, we need you at the DEO.” J'onn voice sounded in the comms device Kara had in her ear. Kara pressed her finger to the device and replied in an affirmative before changing her course to take her to the DEO city base. 

“What’s going on?” Kara asked as she approached where J’onn and Kara’s best friend Winn were standing around the wide table in the center of what Kara had always thought of as the command center. She looked for the third member of the team who usually awaited Kara’s arrival there as well, but there was no sign of her sister. “Where’s Alex?”

A look passed between J’onn and Winn that immediately had Kara’s nerves standing on edge. 

“What happened?” Her voice was as strong as the steel that she was often credited as being made of. 

“Alex went on a reconnaissance mission late last night.” J’onn crossed his arms over his chest as he made eye contact with Kara. “She missed her 3 o’clock check in, and every check in since.” 

“Where is she?” 

“We last tracked her signal approaching a half mile away from the target of her mission,” Winn directed Kara’s attention to the map that was up on the monitors before them. Two markers were shining on the screen, one red and one green. Kara’s eyes narrowed as she looked at the map. 

“Kryptonite?” she asked. The green marker was rarely used to indicate anything else as most enemies were marked in black. “She was tracking a kryptonite signature.” 

“She was, which was why we didn’t call you before now,” J’onn supplied. “But I’m afraid there’s more.” 

“The signature came from the old Luthor Mansion 15 miles outside of the city.” Winn said regretfully. Kara felt her spine stiffen. 

“There aren’t any Luthors anymore.” 

Her voice was cold with regret and guilt and blame, both for herself and for Mon-El, at the reminder of the greatest loss Kara had suffered since coming to Earth. 

Three years ago, Lena Luthor had come to National City with the ambitious dream of turning her family name and company into a force for good. She felt like she had to make up for all the damage that her brother had caused in his one-man war against Superman. Kara had been drawn to her from the moment they met. Professional interviews had turned to casual cups of coffee, and then brunches, and then lunches that lasted so long they ended up having dinner as well. Then it was Lena on her couch at game nights and Lena in her kitchen in the mornings and Kara falling hard and fast for the woman that every thought was a monster simply because of her last name. 

Then it was the Daxamite invasion and Lena was the only reason that Mon-El survived the atmosphere irradiated with lead. Lena was the only reason that the city had survived that attack and she was the only person that Kara couldn’t save. 

In the chaos of the invasion and Kara’s fight against Superman and then Queen Rhea, Lillian Luthor had kidnapped Lena, again. Kara had searched high and low, checking every known Luthor property and even a few that she only knew about because she was Lena’s best friend. Kara searched for two years without finding even a hint of the Luthors until Lex showed up in National City. 

Kara had fought him off, driven by a desperate need to find Lena and save her because it had been two years but Kara’s hadn’t diminished in the slightest. Lex had mocked her, picked at her failure to save Lena before it was too late. Kara’s blood boiled at the realization that Lena was well and truly gone, somewhere that Kara couldn’t hope to bring her back from. The dead could only be mourned, not rescued. 

Kara had taken her anger out on Lex, his experimental powers no match for the force of Kara’s rage and regret. He didn’t stand a chance against her. Kara didn’t regret anything about that encounter, but she wished that it could have done something to bring Lena back to her. Six months ago, Kara had finally accepted the truth and stopped looking. 

“Alex, she wanted to clear it before she brought you in on this,” J’onn explained. “She wanted to have an answer for what was happening before she brought up the Luthors. With Lillian in jail, Lex gone, and Lena…” He trailed off as Kara looked away. “Her signal went out exactly half a mile from the Mansion and the kryptonite signature is gone.” 

“So, you think she found it but, what? Set off a boobytrap and got stuck?” Kara knew her tone wasn’t one that she should take with her boss but she didn’t really care at that moment. She’d apologize later. 

“We don’t know.” J’onn looked at the map again. “But we do know that you are the only one who ever had any real success against the Luthors. If something is going on there, you’re the only one who can stop it.” 

“I need to set up a cover with James,” Kara said, turning and striding towards the window to take off towards CatCo. “I’ll be back in half an hour, ready to go.” 

~

After establishing an alibi with James, narrowly avoiding another flirting attempt by Mike, Kara returned to the DEO. She double checked the coordinates for the Mansion and set off in the direction, intent on getting her sister back safe and sound. She’d already lost too much to the Luthors, she wouldn’t lose the other person who mattered most to her. 

Kara flew to the point where Alex’s signal had gone out and found only the empty driveway that led to the doors of the Mansion. She landed and pulled her day clothes on as she approached the house proper. Alex’s motorcycle was parked outside the front door, the black helmet hanging off the handle bars. Kara frowned at the sight. Alex clearly wasn’t expecting to find anything worthy of taking back to the DEO, otherwise she would have brought a car, but she had found something. There wasn’t any evidence of a fight where Alex’s signal dropped off the map and it looked like Alex had been able to walk into the Mansion perfectly unharmed. 

Curious, Kara pressed her finger to the comms device in her ear. She heard only static. 

Keeping her modified ring in her pocket so that she would go into the Mansion fully powered, Kara moved past her sister’s bike and stepped through the door. 

The inside of the Mansion was...cleaner than Kara was expecting it to be. This had been one of the first places Kara had checked in her search for Lena years ago and she clearly remembered that the Mansion had been covered in layer upon layer of dust and crime. The furniture had been covered in dirty white sheets and Kara’s feet had left a path through the grime on the floor. Now, the floor was so clean that Kara could see her reflection on the polished marble and the sheets draped over the furniture were a pristine, sharp white. 

Kara concentrated her hearing but she couldn’t hear anything around the Mansion at all. A quick scan with her x-ray vision showed that the walls were lined with lead. That was different than the last time Kara had been there. How had she been unaware of such a major renovation of a Luthor property this close to her home city? Shaking off the unnerving feeling that she was being watched, Kara continued further into the house. 

She checked all the rooms on the first floor and found no evidence of life in all but the kitchen. The kitchen was fully stocked and furnished with gleaming state of the art fixtures. Kara’s anxiety about this situation increased even more as she reached the top of the grand staircase and her ears picked up on a faint buzzing noise coming from down the hall. It was the soft hum of electricity overlapping with the louder hum of some kind of machinery. Kara followed the sound down the hall until she found a partially open doorway. 

After checking to see if she could see through the door - she couldn’t - Kara gently pushed the door just a little bit until it opened enough that she could see inside. 

“Alex!” Kara called out as she saw her sister laying on a cot  just inside the room. She looked unharmed, a quick scan over her revealing no cuts of broken bones. Her heart rate was normal, not shallow or elevated and she stirred as Kara called her name. 

“Kara?” Alex blinked sleepily and then sat up right, suddenly wide awake. “Kara, you can’t be here.” 

“Alex, c’mon, of course I was going to come for you,” Kara attempted to move closer to her sister and was barred from getting too close by a shimmering blue forcefield that Kara collided with. “What the hell?” 

“Kara, it’s-it’s too much to explain but I need you to trust me and go.” Alex stood up and placed her hand on the forcefield that separated them. “Please, Kara. Go.” 

“I’m not leaving you here, Alex. You’re a prisoner!” Kara attempted to push the forcefield but was forced back with surprisingly gentle pressure. 

“I’m not, really. She wouldn’t hurt me, Kara. And I know she doesn’t want to hurt you and that’s why you have to go.” 

“No, I’m not going anywhere without you!” 

“Kara-” Alex cut herself off and turned away like she was bracing herself for something awful a second before Kara felt the power of true kryptonite wash through her being, stronger than she had ever felt it before. 

The force of the radiation on her skin brought Kara to her knees and then further to the ground as she released a series of high pitched grunts and groans. She was dimly aware of Alex calling her name, apologizing for something, before her mind registered another sound. A voice that she hadn’t heard in almost three years but one that sent Kara’s heart racing in a way that had nothing to do with the pain wracking her body. 

“Hope, activate the cleansing protocol.” 

“Yes Miss Luthor.” 

There was a shimmer of blue tinted light around Kara and then she felt the warmth of artificial sun rays casted over her body but she ignored both in favor of lifting her head to find the source of that voice. When her eyes finally found their target, Kara was helpless against the tears that welled. 

“Lena…” Her name escaped Kara as barely more than an astonished whisper. Lena was standing on the other side of Kara, barely in the room past the doorway and yet Kara felt as if Lena was the only one in the room. “It’s really you?” 

“Hello, Kara,” Lena said and it was her voice, yes, but it was empty. There was no warmth in Lena’s eyes, no fondness in the way her lips formed Kara’s name. Lena’s face was carefully blank as she gazed at Kara, eyes roaming like she was trying to take in every inch of Kara at once. 

“Lena,” Kara repeated her name. There were so many things that she wanted to say, secrets that she had wanted to tell Lena three years ago but thought she would never get the chance to say, but still Kara hesitated. This was Lena, casual Lena that Kara only got to see once Lena had deemed her trustworthy enough. Lena with her hair down in its natural waves and wearing a cardigan and sweats rather than her work attire. Lena in socks instead of heals and with her natural pink lips on display. This was Kara’s favorite Lena. 

But this was also Lena with green veins running along her skin and glowing eyes that were so close and yet so far away from her natural color. 

This Lena was Kara’s kryptonite in every sense of the word. 

“Kara,” Alex called out, making Kara suddenly remember that it wasn’t just her and Lena in the room staring at one another in silence. Kara turned to her sister. She didn’t know what expression was on her face but it was one that seemed to cause Alex’s concern to rise. “Kara, I’m going to help her.” 

“Alex, she’s…” Kara couldn’t even begin to describe what she thought was happening with Lena. 

“I know, Kara, I know.” Alex looked at her sister with the same gentle understanding that she had two years ago, when Kara finally broke down and admitted that she had been in love with Lena and never told her. “But she’s going to be okay. We found her in time.” 

Kara didn’t like the implications of Alex’s statement and turned back to where Lena was still lingering in the doorway. 

“The kryptonite signature that the DEO picked up,” Kara said in a shaking voice. “That was you?” 

Lena nodded once, short and sharp like the movement hurt. “I’ve been trying to break through the dome Lex placed over me for months. I could only hold the breach for thirty seconds before it closed again.” 

“Lex, he used really advanced alien technology here.” Alex chimed in with a wide gesture at the dome that covered her and the one that covered Kara. 

“He didn’t want anyone finding me and he knew I wouldn’t leave like this,” Lena took a step back so she was standing in the doorway. Kara took an instinctive step forward like she was going to keep Lena from leaving. “Not when I would be hurting you just by being in the same room as you.”

“You could never hurt me, Lena.” Kara said certainly. Lena scoffed softly. 

“I think the kryptonite poisoning you just endured proves that I can,” Lena smiled sadly. “Even when I don’t want to.” 

“That isn’t your fault, Lena.” Kara tried to take another step forward but was thwarted by the dome around her. She put her hands against the surface and clenched her fists in frustration. “Please, Lena, take this down.” 

“I can’t, Kara,” Lena shook her head and took an involuntary step forward. Kara could see the same desire that she had, to take Lena in her arms and never let her go, reflected in Lena’s eyes. “I won’t hurt you like that. Lex has already killed me, I won’t let him do the same to you.” 

“You aren’t going to die from this.” Alex said fiercely. “We can figure out what Lex did to you.” 

“We don’t have enough time Alex,” Lena spoke sharply and then nearly doubled over as an intense coughing fit ripped through her lungs. “I called you here to say goodbye, not to save me.” 

“You should have known that I wouldn’t accept that,” Alex replied and then looked pointedly at Kara. “And neither would she.” 

“You are not going to die, Lena. I won’t let you.” 

“Kara, it’s only a matter of ti-” 

“No! No, I’m not losing you again, Lena.” The tears that had been building in Kara’s eyes since she set her sights on Lena again began to fall. Kara didn’t bother trying to wipe them away. “I’ve already lost you twice. When your mother took you and then again when Lex attacked National City and said that you were…” Kara swallowed harshly, unable to say the word. “I’m not doing that again. I won’t fail you again.” 

Silence reigned for a long moment after Kara’s proclamation. Tears still fell from Kara’s eyes but she refused to tear her gaze away from Lena. She was certain that for the first time in her life, Kara’s expression matched the brokenness she felt inside. She was sure that Alex was wearing that concerned older sister expression that she always wore when Kara revealed even a hint of the pain she carried, but Kara only cared for Lena’s expression. Lena who looked just as broken as Kara felt. 

“Kara, no, none of this is your fault.” Kara almost smiled at seeing that the first thing Lena chose to address was Kara’s very last statement. “There was no way you could have found me, Lex made sure of that. He was even crazier than he was before.” 

“I should have looked harder, searched more. I should have found you.” 

“You did find me,” Lena’s smile was watery. “I don’t have much time left, I know that, but I’m glad I got to spend some of it with you, even like this.” 

“I can help you, Lena,” Kara reached into her pocket and pulled out her power dampening ring. “I’ve removed the radiation from kryptonite before. I can do it again.” 

“What is that?” Lena asked, taking a hesitant step forward. Kara offered a reassuring smile. 

“Let me send it through the barrier and you can see for yourself.” Kara waited until Lena had nodded, moved a few paces back so she wasn’t entirely in the room, and then ordered Hope to drop the barrier for less than a second. The barrier was back up a moment later and Lena came into the room again to pick up the ring that Kara had slid in her direction. 

As she walked, Kara studied Lena’s movement. Every motion was followed by a concealed grimace. It was clear that every second Lena was upright was another second that she was in pain. Kara felt the anger and guilt swell within her to previously unreached levels. Anger at Lex for doing this to his sister and anger at herself for letting it happen, guilt that she hadn’t found Lena sooner. 

“Is this kryptonite?” Lena asked after a few moments of examining the ring. 

“It used to be,” Kara answered. “I needed something to help dampen my powers so I could blend in better.” That was another web to untangle, the fact that Lex had probably told Lena her secret, but they could deal with that after all this was over. “Jeremiah got some kryptonite for me to work with and I removed the radiation, leaving the ore raw. I used simulated red sunlight to replicate the power of Rao and played around with solar energy and radiation until I found a level that would dampen my powers but not remove them.” 

“I knew you were brilliant, Kara, but that is…” Lena trailed off. Despite the tenseness of the situation, Kara felt herself blush at the praise. “Amazing.” 

“I can remove the radiation from the kryptonite that’s in your veins,” Kara said confidently, forcing her voice not to shake. “From there, you should be able to flush the residue out with a blood transfusion.” 

“I’m afraid it won’t be that simple,” Lena said, fingering the ring in her hand like it was a precious item. “Lex didn’t just inject me with kryptonite, Kara. He injected something into my bone marrow. I don’t have kryptonite in my blood, my blood is kryptonite.” 

“Well, fuck.” Kara surprised everyone in the room, including herself, with the expletive. “Sorry, I just-” 

“No, fuck about sums it up,” Lena joked softly. 

“I can still help you,” Kara said after a moment. Lena offered her a smile that was almost as warm as the ones she used to send Kara’s direction on a daily basis. Kara ached at the thought. 

“It’s nice to see that your optimism hasn’t faded.” Kara had half a mind to tell Lena that it was stubbornness that was fueling her, not optimism. “But I’m not sure what you could do. I’ve done every test I can think of, and there’s been a lot of them, but nothing has worked. I’ve tried to neutralize the kryptonite with red sunlight, but that didn’t affect anything. I tried to flush it out with yellow sun light, and again nothing. I’ve taken every sample, and run every test, but nothing has worked.” 

“And you don’t metabolize things like Kryptonians, and even though kryptonite isn’t inherently deadly to humans, it is still radiation.” Alex picked up, obviously having heard Lena’s explanation before. “Too much of anything can hurt a human.” 

“This kryptonite blood that I’m producing, it’s flawed somehow. Lex’s formula didn’t rewrite all of the blood cells correctly. My working hypothesis is that the kryptonite he put in my bone marrow is basically acting like a fast growing cancer. I don’t have enough normal blood cells to fight it off.” 

“And the longer you’re exposed, the worse it gets.” 

“How long have you been like this?” Kara asked, halfway afraid of the answer. 

“A year.” Lena answered. Kara looked away from her, unable to stand the guilt that washed over her. That’s what Lex had meant, six months ago during their battle. When he said that Kara had been too late, he hadn’t meant that Lena was dead but that she was dying and there was nothing Kara could do to save her. “I don’t think I’ve got more than a month left.” 

“There has to be something we can do,” Alex was pacing furiously across her dome. For a moment, Kara wondered why Alex was in a protective dome as well but then she realized that Lena wouldn’t be willing to expose her kryptonite laced self to anyone who might come into contact with Kara. She had already said that that was the reason that she hadn’t attempted to leave the mansion. 

“There’s nothing. I can’t flush it out of my system with a little sunlight, Alex.” Lena’s tone was biting but her shoulders dropped immediately and Alex accepted her silent apology with a barely there nod. 

Lena was right. Her body was producing the kryptonite, not just fighting it off.  They couldn’t target the symptoms to get rid of it like an infection. Lena described it as a cancer and cancers had to be attacked at the source. But wouldn’t a Kryptonian cancer require a Kryptonian cure? 

A sudden thought struck Kara. A very, very risky idea came to mind, one that Kara wasn’t sure would work but if it did...it had to be worth a try, at least. 

“If the problem is in your bone marrow,” Kara said, breaking up the argument that Alex and Lena had gotten into. Both women turned to look at her. “Then maybe my bone marrow is the solution.” 

“Kara, what are you talking about?” Alex asked. Kara stared at Lena and could almost see the moment that Kara’s idea struck Lena’s brain. 

“A bone marrow transplant.” Lena said. “My human blood, if there’s any of it left, can’t fight off the kryptonite because I can’t process the solar energy to expel it from my body. But if I had Kryptonian blood…” 

“Would that work?” Kara directed the question to Alex, as the only medical doctor in the room. 

“I don’t know,” Alex answered. “We’d need to test it before we did any kind of transplant, pull samples from you both and see how they interact and even if it does work, it’ll be painful.” Alex knew that Lena already understood how painful kryptonite poisoning was to Kara, so she didn’t bother to elaborate on that. 

“I’m already in pain,” Lena said, resigned. “I can handle it.” 

“But there could be side effects to a transplant like this,” Alex said warningly. “Human and alien blood generally don’t mix well, not to mention trying to type match the two of you.” Alex bit her lip. 

“I can have Hope run a simulation on possible side effects after we have samples,” Lena said. Her gaze was focused on Kara, her eyes filled with so much longing that it took everything in Kara to keep her from fighting her way out of her little bubble. “It’s worth looking into, at least.” 

“If we go to the Red Lab, I should be able to get the samples from both of you without putting myself or Kara at risk.” Alex said to Lena, waiting until she nodded. 

“Hope, activate mobile protection.” 

“Yes Miss Luthor.” The same robotic voice that Kara had heard earlier but not really paid attention too spoke again. The bubble around Kara wavered for a moment and then repositioned around Kara so she was standing in the direct center of it. 

“The dome will move with you now,” Lena said to the Danvers sisters. “Follow me.” 

~

The Red Lab turned out to be a room with lighting fixtures that all simulated red sunlight. It didn’t seem to have much of an effect on Lena, but Kara was completely powerless for the first time in a long while. She had blown out her powers in an effort to vent her frustration right after Lena was taken but had been careful not to do so again since. A part of her would always be ready to fly to Lena’s aide, even when Kara didn’t think Lena would be calling for her. 

Alex collected the bone marrow sample from Kara first before donning the protective suit that Lena insisted she wear to collect the sample from Lena. Lena had opted to take something that would knock her out for the collection process while Kara had simply switched to yellow sun lamps to recover after Alex had withdrawn the needle. Collecting the sample hurt like hell but Kara wasn’t willing to let Lena out of her sight for even a moment. 

“She’s strong Kara,” Alex said as she began analyzing the samples she had taken from both women. “She’ll make it through this.” 

“She’s been through so much, Alex. If I hadn’t left her alone that day, she would never have to go through this.” 

“You don’t know that.”  Alex turned from the samples to look at her sister, who was lying on a medical bed and staring across the space that separated her and Lena as if it were a great chasm that even Supergirl didn’t dare attempt to cross. “Lex would have found some other way to get to her. He is the one that did this to her, he deserves the blame.” 

Kara didn’t respond. Alex knew that her sister didn’t believe her but she let the matter drop for now. They could all play the blame game when Lena wasn’t in danger of dying and Kara finally worked up the courage to tell her how she felt. 

Alex had always known that there was something different about Kara’s friendship with Lena. Different in a good way, Alex knew that even before she fully trusted Lena. Lena had breathed a new life into Kara. Lena with Kara was warmth and light and such a strong sense of rightness that Alex wouldn’t have been able to disapprove even if she wanted to. She and Maggie had once made a bet that Kara and Lena would get together eventually. Before they lost Lena, Maggie had said that she would be surprised if Kara and Lena weren’t already together and were just keeping it a secret for the time being. Alex had laughed at the time but after Lena disappeared she had started to wonder about that. 

She wondered what Maggie would say if she were there with them. Last Alex had heard, Maggie was working as a detective in Gotham, on the fast track for lieutenant. Alex was proud of her and it didn’t hurt to think about her so much anymore. 

Alex had plenty of time to observe her sister over the last three years that Lena had been away. She saw that light in Kara growing dimmer each day as another search for Lena led to nothing but empty estates. She watched Kara become a shell of herself. Sister nights happened less frequently. Game nights were basically a thing of the past these days. Kara worked at CatCo but some of her drive was gone. She saved the day as Supergirl but the city had noticed that their shining beacon of hope had lost some of her rigor. It was easy to see the signs once Alex had started to look for them and so she was unsurprised when Kara broke down in her arms on the one year anniversary of Lena’s kidnapping.  

Kara had such a capacity for love and she had met her equal in that endeavor in Lena. Alex would make sure that both of them got the chance to share their love with one another. Even if she had to resurrect Lex Luthor to do it, she would find a cure for Lena. 

As Alex set about working on the solution and instructed Hope to begin running her simulation, Lena’s pain medication began to wear off and she opened her eyes to find Kara looking directly at her from across the room. 

Truthfully, when Lena had managed to break through the protective dome Lex had created over her, she wasn’t expecting such a quick response. She wasn’t expecting any response really, the message that she had intended to send to the DEO remained unsent. The dome had closed before Lena could manage a direct pathway to the three people that she wanted to receive the message. She had no idea that the DEO had satellites that constantly scanned the globe for kryptonite until Alex showed up at the front door of the Mansion. 

She should have known that it would only be a matter of time before Kara showed up as well. Where one Danvers sister went, the other inevitably followed. 

Lena had been thinking about the day she would see Kara again for so long that it had seemed an impossibility. Lena rarely got what she wished for and she wanted to see Kara again more than anything. Kara had been a constant, grounding present in Lena’s life three years ago even with the secret of Kara’s alter-ego hanging between them. Whenever Lena needed an escape from the pressure of being Lena Luthor, CEO of L-Corp, the Good Luthor, the Bad Luthor, or any other moniker that people bestowed on her, she knew she could find a safe haven with Kara. 

With Kara, Lena didn’t have to fit herself into any specific mold. There were no expectations with Kara. Lena could just be. Lena had realized how much she had come to rely on such a reprieve until it was ripped from her. This past year had been especially bad, knowing that she was only a half hour away from the person she wanted to see most but also knowing that she couldn’t go to Kara even if the protective dome wasn’t in place. She wouldn’t subject Kara to that kind of pain if she could avoid it and she hated that their first interaction in three years was marred with the pain of kryptonite poisoning inflicted on Kara by Lena’s mere presence in the room. 

Lena met Kara’s eyes across the gap that separated them and if she wasn’t lying down, the force of Kara’s emotions would likely have brought Lena to her knees. Kara’s eyes had always been so expressive, the one thing that Kara couldn’t school into a certain look even when she approached Lena as Supergirl. Kara’s eyes gave her away every time which is why Lena hadn’t been surprised when Lex revealed Kara’s secret. She had known for a long time and was simply waiting for Kara to trust her enough to reveal it herself. Kara’s eyes had not lost their intensity in the past three years. If anything, all the emotions that Lena used to tell herself were just wishful thinking on her part where there in spades. 

Before, Lena could only see the barest hints of the feelings she had for Kara being returned. Just a moment where it looked like Kara wanted to kiss Lena just as much as Lena wanted to kiss Kara. Then the moment would pass and Lena was positive that she had imagined that the moment was ever there in the first place. Now, Lena could see everything in Kara’s eyes. 

The blue of Kara’s iris was clouded in pain and guilt, so much of it that Lena was certain that there would always be a part of Kara who would never forgive herself for not protecting Lena. Lena would have to work on that with her, she needed Kara to understand that Lena didn’t blame her in the slightest, nor does she hate Kara for not finding her before. She’ll tell Kara everything, will be relentless in her love until Kara accepts that she hasn’t lost Lena. Because behind the pain and guilt, Lena can see the longing that Kara holds within. There’s so much in Kara’s eyes but the most powerful of all is the love there and that’s the part that gives Lena the strength to make it through the next part of all of this. She needs to get better, she needs to be able to touch Kara again. She needs to show Kara how she feels. Words won’t be enough, but they’re all she has at the moment. 

“Kara,” Lena says in a whisper. It’s almost too low, she thinks, for Kara to hear without her powers, but Kara seems to come alive at the sound of her name coming from Lena. “Kara…” 

“I know,” Kara replies just as soft. Lena wonders what Kara can see in her own eyes. Lena knows that she’s not holding anything back, the effort of doing so would take too much out of her and she doesn’t want to sleep through this. Not if there’s a chance that this is the last time she’ll see Kara. “I know, Lena. Me too.” 

It’s not enough to encompass the strength of Lena’s emotions, but she feels the relief wash over her anyhow. Kara knows, she sees in Lena all the things that Lena sees in Kara and if Lena doesn’t make it through her treatment, that would be enough to send her to the next life with a smile on her face. 

“Tell me something,” Lena requests a moment later. She and Kara are still gazing at each other, both refusing to look away. 

“What do you want to hear about?” 

“Everything,” Lena says. “I’ve missed so much. I want to hear it all.” 

Kara starts talking then, telling Lena all about what she had missed in the last three years. Kara’s stories are varied and not always connected to one another but Lena hangs on to every word. She smiles when Kara speaks with pride in her voice about the articles that she had written, about her continued fight for alien amnesty. She glares when Kara mentions Mon-El and then finds herself smiling at Kara’s obvious annoyance with the man and resolves that if she ever sees Mon-El again, she’ll let him know exactly where he can shove his unwanted affections. She laughs when Kara talks about some of the more ridiculous saves she had made as Supergirl and feels her heart clench painfully when Kara glosses over the encounters that were actually a threat to her life. Kara talks about songs that have come out and shows that she thinks Lena would like and every part of Lena aches to hold this amazing woman close to her and breath her in. 

Alex and Hope are still running tests by the time Kara finishes her stories of the last three years, so Kara switches tracks to talking about all the things they could do in the next three years. 

It seemed that Kara had accumulated quite the bucket list in the time that Lena had been gone. They were going to travel the world together, Kara decided, first this world and then they’d hop on over to Earth-1 and do it all over again. Kara would take a sabbatical from both CatCo and Supergirl so she could just be with Lena. Then after their travels, they’d come back to National City and Kara would pick back up as a reporter but maybe not for CatCo anymore. Maybe she’d want to branch out by then. It wouldn’t matter so much because she’d be well on her way to winning a Pulitzer so she could get a job anywhere. And Lena, she could go back to the labs again. L-Corp was barely a shadow of its former glory but Lena could restore it and make it even better than before. Then she’d win a Nobel Prize. 

Then, once Kara and Lena’s careers were both where they wanted it to be, they’d get married and settle down in a house outside the city. One with huge windows and lots of space for family and friends to be there. It would have to be well protected because Kara didn’t think she could simply walk away from being Supergirl, but it would be theirs. Somewhere they could raise a family if they wanted too, or somewhere they could simply be together. 

“I think we should at least go on a date before we start talking about marriage,” Lena said with a watery chuckle. Her body was exhausted, as it normally was after a year of having kryptonite for blood, but she forced herself to stay awake. “No need for such a rush.” 

“We’ve wasted enough time already,” Kara disagreed but she was smiling warmly. Lena felt the ever present desire to reach for Kara tug painfully at her heart. “But you’re right. We could get married tomorrow or ten years from now. I’d be happy either way as long as I get to be with you.” 

“Me too,” Lena felt her eyes begin to close and forced them back open. 

“It’s okay, honey,” Kara told her and Lena practically melted at the pet name that rolled off Kara’s tongue. “Rest, we’ll talk more later.” 

“Promise?” Lena didn’t need to open her eyes to know that Kara was wearing that soft smile that Lena had only ever seen directed at her. 

“I promise.” 

Eased by the knowledge that Kara was only a few feet away, Lena fell into her first easy sleep in three years. 

~

Lena awoke sometime later when Hope’s electronic voice filled the Red Lab. 

“Simulation successful. Ratio for Kryptonian to Human bone marrow donation found. Side effects: temporary Kryptonian blood cells will result in temporary Kryptonian abilities. Including sensitivity to kryptonite.” 

“Will we be able to flush the kryptonite from Lena’s blood stream without harming her?” Alex asked the artificial intelligence as she looked at the simulation results that Hope had brought up on the monitor before her. 

“Affirmative,” Hope answered. “Exposure to yellow solar radiation will extrapolate the kryptonite from Miss Luthor just as it would for any natural born Kryptonian. Warning: this process is likely to be extremely painful due to the amount of kryptonite currently within Miss Luthor’s bloodstream.” 

“How long would it take?” Kara asked. Lena searched for Kara around the room and found that the other woman was standing close to her sister. They must have merged their bubbles together. The thought nearly made Lena giggle in her exhaustion. 

“Full decontamination will take approximately 48 hours under a constant yellow sun.” 

“We’ll be able to do that here?” 

“Yes,” Lena spoke up, alerting both Davers sisters to her waking. They both turned to her, Kara taking an instinctive step forward until she remembered that she wouldn’t be able to reach Lena and she halted her motions. “The lights around the whole room can switch from red to yellow with a command.” 

“Lena,” Kara said softly. Their eyes met and Lena was hit with the sudden realization that she was seeing all of Kara in that moment. Kara was wearing her day clothes but her hair was down and she didn’t have her glasses on. Even the silver ring that she always wore was gone. This wasn’t Kara Danvers or Supergirl but the woman who inhabited them both. Kara Zor-El. 

“I’m okay,” Lena replied. “Better than okay, if this works.” 

“It will,” Alex and Kara said at the same time, both of their voices ringing with confidence. Lena smiled at the unfailing faith of the Danvers and wondered what she did to deserve such heroes coming to her rescue. She wouldn’t dwell on it though, she would just be happy that they were here and that they had found a way to save her. 

“Okay,” Lena smiled. “Then let’s do it.” 

“Lena, are you sure?” Kara asked, her concern written plainly across the delicate features of her face. “This isn’t going to be an easy process. It’s going to hurt.” 

“It’s worth it,” Lena said surely. 

“It’s dangerous.” 

“I’m already dying, darling,” Lena said. She almost wanted to take it back when she saw Kara flinch at the word but she pressed on. “If this is my only chance to get to...to live again, I’m going to take it.” Even if the kryptonite wasn’t slowly killing her, Lena wouldn’t have really been alive. Not without Kara, who made her feel like life was worth living, who made her feel like love was worth it. Without Kara, Lena was simply surviving. 

“Okay,” Kara agreed after a moment of staring into Lena’s eyes. “Alex, what do you need to do this?” 

“Another bone marrow sample from you Kara,” Alex said. “I have enough of Lena’s left to get the ratio right, but I’ll need more of yours. The ratio isn’t quite even but since Lena’s human, after the kryptonite is gone her blood should return to normal on it’s own.” 

“Okay, let’s do it.” Kara moved back over to the bed that she had used before and removed her top before settling on her side again, facing Lena’s bed. Despite the skin on display, Kara’s modesty only protected by the bra covering her chest, Lena kept her gaze focused on Kara’s face as Alex extracted another sample of bone marrow from the base of her spine. 

The extraction process took longer the second time around because Alex needed a larger sample than she had before, but Kara hardly flinched from the pain. It made Lena wonder just how Kara’s pain tolerance truly was. There was no denying that Kara was physically strong but Lena wasn’t sure how that translated to the pain she endured. She’d seen Supergirl stumble back from a blow before and grit her teeth as she called upon her strength, but she can’t remember ever seeing any outward evidence to suggest that Kara was in pain unless there was kryptonite involved. 

“Okay,” Alex said minutes later, after Kara’s sample had been added to the bone marrow that would be injected back into Lena. Kara had pulled her top back on and was sitting up on her bed now with her gaze still fixed surely on Lena. “We’ll need to give you about an hour to generate enough Kryptonian blood cells to start the process and then we’ll switch the lights to yellow to start the decontamination.” 

Lena nodded her understanding of the procedure and held still while Alex donned the protective suit and left her bubble of protection to approach Lena. The miracle cure administered, the only thing the three women could do was wait. 

They didn’t speak during the first hour while they waited for Lena to be able to flush the poison from her system. Kara had many things that she wanted to say, but they were things meant for only Lena to hear. Apologies and declarations and promises that Kara would do anything in her power to keep. Alex simply kept quiet while she monitored Lena’s vitals while occasionally checking on her sister. Lena didn’t speak because everything she thought about saying sounded like a goodbye and she knew that Kara would refuse to listen to anything that resembled Lena giving up. 

There was no sound in the room that wasn’t mechanical in nature until Lena let out a pained groan. It was just past the hour mark and the kryptonite in her system was finally reacting to the new blood cells she was generating. Her green veins were glowing stronger now and Lena curled in on herself. 

“Hope, activate the yellow lights.” Kara’s order was followed in an instant and the room was bathed in yellow light. Lena continued to write in pain on her bed and Kara placed her hands on the dome that held her in place. “Hope, let me out.” 

“Negative. Kryptonite levels around Miss Luthor -” 

“I don’t care, let me out.” Kara repeated the order, pushing harder against the force field that kept her from getting to Lena. 

“Kara-” the name escaped Lena in a sharp gasp of pain. “Kara it hurts.” 

“I know, honey, I know,” Kara said soothingly. “I’m right here, Lena. You’ll be okay.” 

Kara was on her feet then, standing with her hands pressed against the inner wall of the boundary that kept her from Lena. She clenched her fists and beat them against the unforgiving surface, helpless to the tears that fell from her eyes. She knew it would be agony for Lena to go through this process but she hadn’t accounted for the torture it would be to watch Lena suffer and be unable to comfort her. Kara beat against the wall again and then abruptly, the wall was gone. 

Kara stumbled forward and caught herself on the edge of Lena’s bed. There was still ambient kryptonite around Lena, but it was nothing that Kara couldn’t withstand since the yellow sun lamps were on. 

“I’m here, Lena. I’m right here,” Kara lifted Lena’s body from the bed and moved her over just enough that Kara could lay beside her. Her own pain from the kryptonite coursing through Lena’s body increased but Kara pushed it away and drew Lena close against her chest. “I’ve got you, honey.” 

“Kara, you can’t be here,” Lena protested with a feeble attempt to pull away. 

“Shush, I’m not going anywhere. Just let me hold you, Lena. Please.” 

Lena wanted to protest but it felt so good to be in Kara’s arms again. Kara still smelled like sunshine and vanilla and Lena wanted to drown in her. Kara’s arms were firm around her and she spoke with her lips pressed against Lena’s forehead as she begged Lena to let her stay and Lena realized that Kara needed this just as much as Lena did. She wouldn’t let Lena suffer through this alone, not if there was something she could do to help her, even if it was just to hold Lena’s trembling body in her arms until the pain was gone. 

Lena relented with a nod and settled into Kara’s embrace, hiding her face in the crook of Kara’s neck in an attempt to muffle her cries as her body finally began to fight back against the poison within her bones. 

The next 48 hours were the longest of Kara’s life. Lena had succumbed to the pain in her body two hours after they switched to the yellow sun lamps and had been limp in Kara’s arms ever since. She would shift occasionally as the aches and pains in her body shifted, always pressing closer to Kara like she thought that if she could get close enough, all her pain would go away. Kara held Lena close through all of it, alternating between rubbing soothing circles on Lena’s back and carding her fingers through Lena’s hair. Sometimes when Lena shifted against, Kara would whisper soothing words into her hair or press kisses to her hairline until Lena settled again. Most of the time, Kara held Lena silence and prayed to Rao, begging him to end Lena’s pain as soon as possible. 

She was dimly aware of Alex setting up some sort of alert system and then leaving the lab for several hours, but Kara was too focused on Lena to really care about anything else going on. The green was fading from Lena’s skin at an excruciatingly slow pace, but fading nonetheless. After six hours, the ambient kryptonite around Lena had decreased enough that Kara couldn’t feel it affecting her anymore, which she took as a good sign. Kara considered getting out of the bed at that point so that Lena could be better exposed to the yellow sun lamps, but whenever Kara tried to move out of their embrace Lena would stir and pull her closer. Kara stayed awake for the first 24 hours, not letting herself go to sleep until Alex was back in the lab so that she could be sure there was someone there, just in case. 

“Winn and J’onn are working on bringing down the dome from the outside,” Alex said once she had returned from the lab. “I’ve got Hope helping them where she can but I think the dome was meant to keep the kryptonite from being discovered, not Lena. She should be able to walk out of here once all the kryptonite is gone.” 

“Thanks, Alex,” Kara said to her sister. 

“You love her,” Alex said in response, moving closer to the bed that currently held Kara and the still unconscious Lena. “I saw how much losing her the first time destroyed you. I wasn’t about to let that happen again.” 

“I’m sorry I’ve kinda disappeared on you for the past few years,” Kara apologized. Sure, Kara had been around, but she and Alex were both aware that just because Kara was physically with her sister didn’t mean she was mentally there as well. 

“You were grieving, I understood, and you were still there when I needed you,” Alex swallowed against the emotion in her throat. “She’s got a long way to go Kara, and she’s going to need you every step of the way.” 

“I’ll be here, even when she tried to push me away.” 

“But will you let her be there for you?” 

“What?” Kara’s brow furrowed in the familiar crinkle. Alex rolled her eyes and nudged her sister’s shoulder gently, the one that Lena wasn’t using as a pillow. 

“Don’t give me that, Kara. You’ve blamed yourself for her disappearance from the beginning and I know you’ve been thinking about all the pain she could have avoided if you’d just kept looking.” Kara looked away, unable to meet her sisters’ eyes. “But we both know that none of this is your fault. You won’t be able to help Lena until you accept that she doesn’t blame you.” 

“How do you know she doesn’t?” 

“We talked about it,” Alex shrugged. “I was here for like six hours before I even realized that I had missed a check in. Lena knew she was dying and all she wanted to do was make sure that you wouldn’t blame yourself for it. That woman would give you the moon if you asked for it.” 

“I just want her,” Kara admitted softly. “I always have, but I was too scared to admit it before.” 

“Given what the two of you were talking about earlier, I’m certain she wants you too,” Alex smirked as her sister blushed. “I was literally two feet away for that entire conversation, of course I heard.” 

“You don’t, y’know, disapprove?” Kara asked nervously. 

“Lena is so much more than her family name, I couldn’t see that in the beginning but I do now. And even if I did still have a problem, I’d get over it. You love her and I trust your judgement.” 

“You’re the best sister ever,” Kara said seriously. Alex smiled and smoothed Kara’s hair with her hand. 

“I know,” Kara chuckled. “Now get some sleep. It’s been three years since you got a decent night of sleep.” 

Kara nodded and shifted slightly so she could tuck her nose against Lena’s hair, filling her senses with everything Lena before she let her eyes drift closed safe in the knowledge that Alex wouldn’t let anything happen to them. 

When Kara awoke sometime later, it was to the sound of quiet chatter around her and the smell of pizza wafting through the lab. 

“Hey, Kara,” Winn smiled at her from where he and Alex had been looking at something on the monitor when he noticed that she was awake. “We were able to bring down the dome from the outside. Lena left a backdoor that we could use when she first hacked it.” 

“Good,” Kara smiled back and then turned her gaze to where Lena was still resting against her side. “How long was I asleep?” 

“About 8 hours, Lena’s got another 16 to go before she’ll wake up, we think.” Alex gestured to the monitor that she and Winn were looking at. Kara squinted slightly to use her enhanced vision to read the monitor without getting out of the bed. She breathed a sigh of relief when she noticed that Lena’s vitals had improved greatly and the projected decontamination percentage was hovering around 60. “Most of the kryptonite has been replaced with regular Kryptonian blood which should hopefully repair any internal damage that she sustained over the past year.” 

“How long will she have the Kryptonian blood in her system?” 

“We estimate about three days past the decontamination is when her blood will start to go back to normal. Her body is only producing the Kryptonian blood cells because it’s being forced to thanks to an isotope that Lena invented while attempting to cure herself.” 

“So, roughly five days and her body will be back to normal?” Kara looked back down at Lena, taking in the movement of her chest with every breath and listening to the way their hearts almost beat in tandem. 

“I don’t think she should move before then, just in case, but yes.” Alex smiled as Winn moved over to grab a paper plate loaded with pizza and presented it to Kara like one might hand over an Olympic medal. 

“Five days, and then I can take her home.” Kara spoke softly, mostly to herself and Lena alone. She ducked her head down low to press a kiss against Lena’s forehead. Lena shifted slightly at the contact, nuzzling closer to Kara. 

Winn, recognizing that Kara wouldn’t be moving from the bed anytime soon, rolled a convenient tray nearby over to the bed and arranged it so that Kara would be able to eat her pizza without letting go of Lena. 

“I can’t wait until she wakes up,” Winn said softly, excitement burning in his eyes. Kara had almost forgotten that Lena and Winn had been well on their way to being good friends without Kara in the middle when Lena had been taken. “I’ve missed her.” 

“Me, too.” Kara offered her friend a warm smile as he squeezed her shoulder and then backed away. 

Kara ate her pizza slowly and then returned to studying Lena in the quiet of the lab. Alex and Winn both retreated to nearby rooms to get some sleep, with instructions given to Hope to alert them if anything changed in the lab. Kara remained in the bed with Lena, softly stroking over her hair and back in random patterns until sleep eventually claimed her again as well. 

When Kara next awoke, it was to the feeling of soft fingertips brushing across the features of her face. Kara’s eyes opened and she was met with what was possibly the most beautiful sight in any universe, Lena awake and sitting up enough to lean over Kara slightly, her eyes naturally bright and her lips pulled into a soft smile. 

“Lena,” Kara said the name on an exhale, one hand finding Lena’s waist and the other reaching to cup her face. Lena’s smile brightened. 

“Hello, darling,” Lena returned. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you, too,” Kara felt the tears forming in her eyes and was once again helpless against them. She swore that she hadn’t cried this many times in the span of three days since she first arrived on Earth, but she just couldn’t help it. Lena was here, alive, in her arms and looking at Kara like she was the most precious object Lena had ever seen and Kara’s entire being sobbed with relief. “You’re really here?” 

“I am,” Lena promised. “I’m so sorry I left you, Kara. I never wanted to.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Kara said vehemently. “I shouldn’t have left you alone.” Lena frowned and brought their foreheads to rest together, stroking Kara’s cheek with her thumb and catching the stray tears that fell. 

“If I don’t get to blame myself, neither do you,” Lena said with quiet determination. “I don’t blame you for any of this. It was my mother and Lex who did this to me, to us.” 

“I promised that I would always protect you,” Kara said desperately. 

“You did, you’re the reason they didn’t kill me outright. Lex knew how I felt about you and he was more than willing to use it against me.” Lena continued softly stroking Kara’s cheek as she lifted her head and kissed Kara’s forehead. “Don’t you dare think about pulling away from me now, Kara Zor-El.” 

“I should have told you about that, too,” Kara admitted softly. “You deserved to hear it from me.” 

“If it makes you feel better, Lex didn’t tell me that. I already knew.” Lena chuckled softly as Kara pulled away slightly and looked at Lena in surprise. “Darling, you told me that you flew to my office on a bus.” 

“That...wasn’t my best moment.” 

“No kidding,” Lena had the very strong urge to connect their lips but she stomped it down. There would be time for that later and she didn’t want their first kiss to be tainted by the memory of Lena’s time away. “But that wasn’t really what gave it away.” 

“What did then?” Kara asked curiously. She was moving her thumb in a circle against Lena’s hip in a motion that was absent minded but one that Lena was acutely aware of. 

“There were a lot of little things that had me wondering, but I knew for sure when you rescued me from Lillian and Cyborg Superman.” Lena offered Kara a warm smile. “You were the only one who believed in me no matter what, and when you showed up as Supergirl with that same certainty, I just knew.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kara asked, her tone curious and absent any hint of accusation. 

“I wanted you to trust me enough to tell me yourself.” Lena looked away, suddenly shy. “I was hoping that when you did finally come clean, we would talk about us.” 

“We would have,” Kara said surely. “I think that’s part of why I was still waiting. I already felt so strongly about you but I was scared that you wouldn’t feel the same way. I used my secret identity as a way of avoiding us being anything more than friends.” 

“I would say it was effective, but I think we’ve always been more than friends.” Lena said with a soft smile. Kara chuckled and nodded in agreement. There had always been a sense of something more between them, even if they’d never acknowledge it before. 

“I was going to tell you, after the invasion force was gone. I went to your office right after it was over, but you were already gone.” Kara leaned into the touch when Lena shifted her grip slightly to cup Kara’s cheek. “I’m glad that you know. I don’t want to have any secrets from you.” 

“I feel the same,” Lena blinked sleepily at Kara for a moment. “I don’t want to go back to sleep.” 

“But you need to,” Kara guided Lena back into her arms, positioning them so that they lay side by side, facing one another. Kara rested one arm across Lena’s hip and wound the other one beneath the pillow. Lena shuffled closer and tucked her nose into the crook of Kara’s neck, returning Kara’s embrace. “So sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.” 

“Promise?” Lena smiled against Kara’s neck when she felt the lips pressed against her forehead slip into a soft smile. 

“Promise.” 

~

Just as Alex predicted, it was another five days before Lena was strong enough to leave the mansion. She still felt fairly weak now that both the kryptonite and Kryptonian blood had left her system so she had leaned heavily on Kara as they made their way out of the mansion. Lena wanted to walk out of the mansion on her own and then get to the boundary that Lex had set before she let Kara fly them back into the city. Whether it was a matter of pride or of Lena showing herself that she was stronger than whatever Lex had done to her, Kara didn’t know, but she supported Lena the whole way. Once they reached the boundary, Lena all but collapsed into Kara’s arms. Kara picked up Lena and cradled her to her chest to fly them back to Kara’s loft without bothering to change into her Supergirl seat. It was the middle of the night, she probably wouldn’t be seen and even if she was, Kara didn’t care. All she cared about was getting Lena home. 

Kara placed Lena back on her feet after they landed in Kara’s living room and stood quietly as Lena observed her home. She knew that Lena was looking for anything that was different from the last time she had been there and wondered what she saw. Kara stayed silent when Lena carefully moved away from her and ran her hand along the soft blanket that rested across the back of Kara’s couch. Kara smiled at the action. The blanket was one that Lena had gotten as a bit of a joke, claiming that Kara didn’t have a soft enough blanket for her delicate sensibilities. Lena had taken to snuggling in that blanket with Kara when they’d had movie nights together, the soft material covering both of their laps as they sat closer together than friends strictly should. 

“You kept it,” Lena said softly. 

“Of course,” Kara stepped up behind Lena and wrapped her arms around Lena’s waist from behind. Her smile turned soft when Lena leaned back into the embrace and covered Kara’s hand on her stomach with one of her own. “I was hoping we’d get to have another movie night.” 

“We will,” Lena promised. Kara kissed her forehead. “Kara?” 

“Hmm?” 

“I need a shower.” 

“Okay,” Kara agreed easily, pressing another kiss to Lena’s forehead. 

“I…” Lena hesitated for a moment. The truth was that she could probably manage a shower on her own but she wasn’t ready to be away from Kara for that long. The longer she was around Kara, the more scared Lena became that she hadn’t been rescued at all. “Can you help me?” 

“Of course,” Kara agreed immediately. “Whatever you need Lena, I’m here for you.” 

Lena nodded and stretched up to kiss Kara’s cheek rather than voice her thanks. Kara understood anyway and offered Lena a smile as she took her hand and led her towards the bathroom. They paused in the bedroom long enough for Kara to grab both of them clean clothes to sleep in and then they were in Kara’s small bathroom with the door closed. 

Kara reached to turn on the shower and had Lena test the temperature before helping Lena undress. Her hands were soft and sure as they moved across Lena’s body, her eyes never lingering for long enough to make Lena uncomfortable even Lena was unable to offer the same courtesy to Kara. Kara undressed herself quickly and Lena drank in the sight of every inch. Her eyes roamed over Kara’s form unabashedly and she saw the flush rise along Kara’s chest as she noticed. 

“Come here, baby,” Kara requested softly, holding her hand out to Lena. Lena placed her hand in Kara’s and let herself be pulled closer until their bare bodies were pressed together. “You can touch me, Lena,” Kara whispered in her ear. “I won’t disappear.” 

“What if none of this is real?” Lena asked in a voice softer than a whisper. “It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve dreamed of seeing you like this.” 

“It is real, Lena. I’m here and I’m as real as you are.” Kara promised. “Listen to my heart beat, feel the warmth of my body.” 

Lena placed her ear against Kara’s chest and closed her eyes, soaking in all that Kara had to offer, from the sound of the heart beat in her ear to the softness of Kara’s skin against hers to the warmth that filled her being. This had to be real. It had never felt like this in a dream before. 

“You’re real?” 

“I’m real,” Kara said. “I’m real and I’m yours.” 

“I love you, Kara.” Lena said, pulling away so she could look Kara in the eyes as she spoke the words that had been threatening to burst from her chest since she first saw Kara again at the mansion. 

“I love you, too, Lena.” Kara returned the words with a smile. “I will always be madly in love with you.” 

Lena leaned up, closing the miniscule distance between them. Her words danced across Kara’s lips when she spoke again. 

“Show me.” 

Kara did. 

She pressed their lips together reverently, pulling Lena closer until they were one and the same. Her hands traced gentle paths against Lena’s skin, pressing her love deep until Lena was sure that she could feel it in her bones. Their lips moved together in a dance that seemed to be second nature, as if it was something that they were always meant to share with one another. Lena whimpered against Kara’s mouth, overwhelmed by the promises Kara whispered into her skin. She wasn’t aware that she was crying until Kara was pulling away to wipe her tears from her cheeks. 

“I’ve got you, Lena. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” 

Lena nodded mutely and let Kara pull her into the shower. The hot beat against Lena’s skin soothingly, no match for the heat that left trails of fire and goosebumps across the surface as Kara gently washed Lena’s body. Kara’s hands massaged the soap into Lena’s skin, massaging her tired muscles at the same time. Lena had to brace a hand against the wall to keep her knees from buckling under the weight of Kara’s devotion. 

Kara showed the same love and care as she washed Lena’s hair. Lena then leaned against the shower wall as Kara quickly washed her own hair and body and then stepped into Kara’s space before Kara could reach to turn off the water. She didn’t say anything as she wrapped her arms around Kara and pressed close, shivering as their bodies slid together under the water. Kara returned the embrace without a moment of hesitation, pressing soothing kisses into Lena’s hair and whispering assurances in her ear as Lena silently cried against her shoulder. 

They stayed like that until the water ran cold and Lena was shivering in Kara’s arms, both from the temperature and from her building desire to return the gentle affections Kara bestowed on her. Kara led them from the shower and tried Lena’s body with a towel before wrapping her up. Before Kara could reach for the clothes to help Lena get dressed. 

“Don’t please,” Lena requested, hating the way her voice trembled. “I need to feel you.” 

“Okay,” Kara set the clothes back down and finished drying herself and Lena off before leading them into the bedroom. 

Lena dropped her towel and settled into Kara’s bed, taking comfort knowing that she was surrounded by Kara's scent as the woman herself went around the apartment to turn off lights, close the windows, and make sure the door was locked. Lena had no idea how late it was but she didn’t care much. She’d been in a near constant state of exhaustion since she’d been rid of the kryptonite in her body. 

Kara climbed into bed after what seemed like hours to Lena but had probably been only a matter of seconds. She pulled Lena into her arms and kissed her softly, moving their lips languidly together. Lena revelled in the pressure of their bodies pressed together. Being like this with Kara felt more like home than anything else ever had. 

Kara doesn’t protest when Lena angles her head to deep their kiss or when Lena sits up and shifts to straddle Kara’s waist. She simply holds Lena’s hips and kisses back until Lena pulls away, breathless, with desire pooling low in her belly. 

“Are you sure?” Kara asks, chest heaving. Lena doesn’t even think about saying no. She’s wanted this, wanted Kara for so long that even though she’s certain that she’s not dreaming anymore, it still feels like a dream come true. 

“I’m sure,” Lena responds. “I love you.” 

“I love you.” 

Kara’s bright smile is pressed against Lena’s lips and they lose themselves to each other. Lena runs her hands along Kara’s body, learning the places that make Kara sigh when she runs her fingers over them and the ones that make her gasp when her lips and teeth follow the same paths. She listens to her own name falling from Kara’s lips like a prayer and is helpless to the way her body trembles when Kara worships her in kind. 

They move together through the night, learning all the things about each other that they should have learned three years ago. Lena climbs higher and higher under Kara’s ministrations, her only thought dedicated to making sure Kara feels the same euphoria until they both collapse into each other’s embrace just as the sun rises. 

“I wouldn’t have waited so long if I’d known it would be that good,” Kara jokes softly, her head pressed against Lena’s neck. Lena chuckles and presses her fingers into Kara’s hair, scratching lightly at her scalp. 

“We have plenty of time now, don’t we?” 

Kara’s smile is pressed into the soft skin above Lena’s pulse point as she answers. 

“We do. We have forever.” 

“Forever,” Lena hummed softly, running her free hand across Kara’s arm. She liked the sound of that, Lena thought, as she watched the sky outside the window fade from pink to blue. 

Forever in the arms of the woman she loved most. That was better than anything Lena could have ever dreamed up on her own. 

[aconstantstateofbladerunner]

101 Open MHA Gen Prompts

I had a very long ask game where people gave me fake titles and I came up with fic ideas to go with them.  Multiple people asked to use some of them as prompts, and some of my friends have lately maligned the lack of gen prompts out there, so I decided to compile them all into a single post.  Almost all of these are gen, aka not shipping, but you can do what you want I’m not your boss.  Everything is free and open to use WITH CREDIT, so have fun with my word vomit.

1. In Dreams I Had the Sun - Being the number one hero isn’t all it’a cracked up to be, Toshinori realizes early on

2. The Chainlink Fence that Held the Ocean - In his new book post-retirement, All Might opens up about his regrets, struggles with mental health, and his issues with the hero system as a whole.  The backlash is swift and intense.

3. Welcome to the Loud Silence - After an injury, Izuku is rendered deaf.

4. Water Since Turned Red - After a villain attack nearly kills All Might, the beach where Izuku used to go to find comfort now feels tainted.

5. all scrap left untouched is bound together - A group hero students who failed the provincial license exam for the third time, effectively ending their careers before they start, get together to take revenge on UA’s first years who beat them out.

6. You’ve saved more more times than you know - Times All Might saved people without his powers, just by being a cool, nice dude.

7. No Amount of Tragedy Can Justify Your Actions - A dying All for One tries to justify his centuries of cruelty to an uncaring Toshinori.

8. To Leave a Cage Locked - One for All is conscious and has a will of its own, one that doesn’t always line up with Izuku’s wellbeing.

9. Okay, who let in the Kraken? - Izuku is the reincarnation of an ancient eldritch horror.

10. keep us alive up above - Izuku and Shigaraki get trapped together somewhere.  Izuku knows he needs the villain’s help to survive and escape, but the other would rather they both die.

11. The world will revolve around me neither less - The ebbs and flows of AFO’s influence over the years.

12. More Roulette, Not Russian - Kids get their quirks swapped.

13. Patron Saints - Toshinori teaches a class about pre-quirk superhero comic characters and their influence.

14. Don't Come Back - Touya Todoroki’s first few weeks after a severe injury resulted in his father abandoning him.

15. The Blessed and the Fool - Toshinori meets up with a few of his ua classmates after retiring.

16. Not Your Sacrifice - Some of the other kids have started adopting some of Izuku’s self sacrificing habits and the teachers are concerned.

17. Break in the Storm - Villains use a power outage as an opening to break into ua.

18. One Day Those Consequences Will Finally Catch Up - Even though the teachers don’t take her concerns seriously, Inko saves every piece of evidence regarding people hurting her son.

19. a garden in their eyes - Izuku meets a fan who got injured after trying to step into a villain fight, just like he did, and it makes him question some things.

20. what could have been, if not for you - After Inko divorces him, Hisashi’s goes to the press to say All Might stole his wife and son.

21. Promised Misery - All Might finds out the severity of Bakugou’s bullying, and warns him he’s on thin ice with him.

22. Fly Up Higher, Blossom Brighter - Izuku has to write a paper for middle school about being positive, intercut with all the bullshit he has to deal with.

23. Libre Me from Hell - One of Izuku’s new quirks is spiral related.

24. No One to Blame but Yourself - Izuku’s kindness doesn’t extend to murderers, tragic backstory or not.

25. At Its Finest - Izuku accidentally gets involved in a hero commission coverup.

26. A Rising Issue - Izuku starts developing more severe side effects of his injuries.  He’s convinced he’s under the influence of a quirk, while the adults thing he’s finally gone too far hurting himself.

27. What you are in the Dark - Izuku usually keeps most of his anger to himself until he can’t.

28. nowhere to go - Inko moves into UA after their home was destroyed.

29. Something Without - My theory about the 2 OFA vestiges that are blurred out is they don’t approve of izuku as a successor.  Izuku tries to figure out why. 

30. Walking with a Ghost - Toshinori joins the OFA dreams while he’s in a coma.  He gets to reunite with nana, and is more open to Izuku about his past and feelings.  Part of his starts to wonder if it’s worth waking up, since he will die and join the others eventually.

31. Death By Crying - Izuku is affected by a quirk that will suffocate him if he expresses any emotion.

32. Justice is Subjective - The hero commission gets to Shigaraki before AFO does.  

33. Undo / Underdog - Death loop fic.  Izuku keeps reliving the day he met all might after being killed by the sludge villain.  he has to find a way to break the loop and survive, but he gets s little weaker every time he restarts.

34. Like Wildfire - A rumor that Izuku is All Might’s bio son picks up steam, and the characters have to decide whether to deny it but risk suspicion or play along and add a new layer to the lies protecting one for all.

35. Once Upon A December - All Might and Inko actually met in the past trope.

36. Some Legends Are Told - All Might’s first interview post-retirement.

37. Will The Real Mentor Please Stand Up - Aizawa considers himself the better teacher, but a lot of the kids seem to like All Might more.

38. I don't want the cure, I want the POISON! - Inko is killed in a hit and run, and Izuku becomes desperate to find the killer.

39. I will kill my heart before I dance on stage for these bigots - Izuku is interviewed as a rising star of UA, and the interviewer brings in some of his old bullies because they claimed to be his friends from middle school.  Izuku does not play along.

40. Split Ends - A quirk gives Izuku brief visions of what would have happened if he made different decisions.

41. Dreamless Sleep - A One for All dream leaves Izuku with a cryptic half-warning, and he desperately experiments to try and figure out how to trigger the visions to get the rest of it.

42. toxic flowers and pretty blades - Young Inko escapes the constricting life of her cruel wealthy family by becoming a vigilante.

43. The Suns we Orbit - Some of the other teachers believe Izuku is too codependent on Toshinori, and separate them for a time.

44. Submerged - Similar to those buried alive fics only someone’s in a box at the bottom of the ocean.

45. Deprive - Izuku also loses his stomach to an injury, and struggles to adjust to the necessary lifestyle changes.

46. The ashes fall like snow - Post Kamino cleanup.

47. Home will always be here - Inko cares for Izuku after he’s sent home due to “trouble at work study” but he refuses to clarify what that means.

48. Playing Favorites - A look at several times where Izuku was punished, while Bakugou got off scot free.

49. Elusive Dreams - Some kind of training or issue forces the kids to stay away for several consecutive day, and they start losing it.

50. Fracture - Izuku struggles through physical therapy after a severe injury that leaves his hero career in question.

51. Starlight, Starbright - Space cadet au

52. Someone in Your Corner - Gran Torino looking after Nana, Toshi, and finally Izuku through the years.

53. I cast magic missile into the darkness - Generic “the gang plays d&d” fic.

54. One Month At A Time - Izuku breaks a limb, and has to let in heal naturally over the course of several months.

55. Head Above Water - Izuku runs out of his pain meds and can’t get access to more doses for a while, so he has to endure not only the pain, but the withdrawal symptoms.

56. Are you going to leave a path to trace - All Might uses a new strategy to try and get Izuku to be less self sacrificial: what about all the young kids who are going to look up to him?

57. The View from Halfway Down - Izuku realizes that a risky move has just landed him with a potentially life threatening injury, but the fight it still going.

58. The Dust Bites Back - A villain All Might defeated early in his career is back and out for revenge.

59. The Absence of your Worth - Nighteye thinks he’s put together a rock solid case for why izuku isn’t worthy of One for All.  All Might’s response is to ask if he has something against quirkless people.

60. Behind the Screens Nobody is Afraid - All Might explains some of the context of his most popular hero videos to Izuku.  They are much more tragic than the media has spun them in hindsight.

61. Under the Light of the Moon - Someone gets turned into a werewolf.  And I ain’t talking the wattpad piss shit.  I’m talking full-on back-breaking monstrous transformations into a bloodthirsty abomination set to Bad Moon Rising.

62. some dreams were made to be broken - Bakugou crosses a line and finally gets expelled.

63. You Say You're Into Closure - Izuku finally beats Bakugou in a one on one fight fair and square, but Bakugou is a sore loser.

64. Something or Someone Missing - AU’s memories of Izuku get wiped, but those closest to him can’t help but feel an absence.

65. Too Little Too Late - Izuku’s father returns to find he’s been replaced.

66. Collecting Dust - Inko goes through the stuff Izuku didn’t take to the dorms.

67. Where the souls of wanderers go - Toshi meets up with a retired hero support group.

68. Fragility of Trust - Suspected traitor au

69. no one answered - Izuku is trapped in a cell in a building that’s collapsing in slow motion due to a quirk.

70. Eye of the Storm - One of the other kids has a panic attack for the first time between public appearances.  izuku has never seen from from the outside.

71. To Whom It May Concern - The kids find a mysterious collection of letters from previous students hidden in the ceiling of the classroom.  Some are ominous, some are incomprehensible.  Aizawa has no answers.  They enthusiastically go to try and solve the mystery within, but that excitement quickly diminishes the more they find out.

72. Of Popsicles and Ponytails - All Might gets in a discussion with the other teachers about whether the Clark Kent glasses thing would actually work.  All Might bets them it does, so he goes around town with no disguise other than his hair being up, and no one bats an eye.

73. All Men are Not Born Equal - Word gets out to the public that izuku used to be quirkless.  Everyone finds out just how deep anti-quirkless sentiments run when some begin to question whether a quirkless kid should be at ua, regardless of whether or not he has a quirk now.

74. Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies - Something about encountering death in person for the first time being the dividing line between child and adult.

75. Sins of the Father - All for One has had many children over the centuries, and has made numerous attempts to groom them into the ideal heir with several different methods.  None of them worked though.

76. Where The Dead Come To Rest - The kids come home after a long, grueling mission where they saw some shit, and are too tired to process what they went through.  They take off their gear for plain clothes, then sit in the common room in silence long into the night, not wanting to open themselves up but also not wanting to be alone.

77. Rivalry - Nighteye tries to pit Izuku and Mirio against one another.  It goes right over Mirio’s head, but Izuku becomes convinced the other boy is in on Nighteye’s plan to wear him down until he gives up One for All.

78. A Subtle Language - All Might and Nana never said out loud that they loved each other, but little things told them that they did.  All Might hopes to pass a similar love down to his own successor.  But Izuku is very different than himself as a kid, and he needs to learn a new subtle language of affection.

79. It’s Gone - One for All stops working one day.

80. A Sight For Sore Eyes - All Might looking after Izuku in the aftermath of the second movie.

81. Loose Lips (sink ships) - Bakugou blurts out something about One for All during a rage, so the rest of the class jump on him and Izuku for answers.

82. No Expectations - Word gets out that All Might is going to choose a successor.  None of the theories or speculation online resemble Izuku in the slightest.

83. Eden was Only a Garden - Izuku gets hit with a quirk that erases some of his most traumatic memories, but in doing so loses part of who he is.

84. Run it Down - With all Izuku’s new quirks and his incredible skill, some of the other students with similar powers (Iida, Sero, Uraraka) start to feel like izuku is upstaging them.  And it affects their friendship.

85. Fool's Gold - Bakugou grows even more jealous of Izuku having One for All, and his relationship with All Might.  He thinks that if he could just prove himself to be more worthy, All Might would change his mind and name him his successor.  But in reality, he ends up jeopardizing the relationship they already have.

86. somewhere down the road - The final deadline for Nighteye’s predictions passes, and All Might lives.  He debates telling Izuku, as even though it would be a weight off the boy’s mind, he doesn’t want to jinx it.  He will still die eventually after all.

87. Just For You - All Might has certain rules and boundaries for fan interactions that he completely ignores for Izuku.

88. if these walls could talk (their whispers would be maddening) - Montage of training accidents in a ‘cursed’ ua gym

89. If Only I Could... - Nighteye tells Mirio about One for All, including that he thinks he’s more deserving than Izuku and he plans to pressure him into giving it up.  Mirio struggles with the knowledge that his mentor, someone he respected more than anything, only saw him as a replacement for All Might, meanwhile watching Izuku strain under the pressure of that mentor’s impossible expectations.

90. This is a Test Designed to Provoke an Emotional Response - shameless Blade Runner AU

91. Once and for All - Retelling of the Superman story “What’s So Funny About Truth, Justice, and the American Way?” with All Might.  Some new heroes use much more aggressive and violent tactics against villains while also upstaging All Might.  That, and there general approval from the public cause All Might to question his moral code.

92. Sitting In The Rain - Tsuyu likes to just sit out in the rain sometimes.  Not do anything, just sit there.  Some friends decide to join her.

93. At Sundown - Mysterious creatures start attacking ua every night.  The gang works tirelessly during the day to find the cause and a solution, while defending their school and each other at night.

94. The 1000th time's the charm - Uraraka has been practicing a new move in secret but they just can’t get it right.  She wants it to be perfect before showing it off.  But one attempt gets her seriously hurt while training alone at night in one of the gyms, and she’s too hurt to get up to the phone to call for help.

95. Sunflower Seeds - All Might attempts to start a garden as a new hobby.

96. What It Means To Be Human - Sun god Toshi starts living among people.

97. Eyes on Me - All Might teaches Izuku some unarmed fighting moves to defend himself from bullies.

98. one remains - Izuku has developed all but one of the quirks he’s slated to, and he has no idea what it will be.  Anxiety ensues.

99. Come Back Home - Izuku vanishes from campus and everyone assumes he was kidnapped, but in reality he ran away to try and clear his head after a depressive spiral.  He goes by train as far away as he can until he comes to his senses and calls the others.

100. I Won - Izuku accidentally managed to kill Shigaraki during a skirmish, and while everyone around him praises his heroics, he struggles to deal with the fact that he killed someone.

101. Ivory Tower - All Might grapples with how much izuku suffered as a quirkless person, how he could have done more for quirkless rights in his time as a hero, and how now people may not care as much because he’s retired.

Reminder to credit me if you use any of these prompts, and a special thanks to everyone who submitted titles!

[fruitlicense]

I have a theory about one of the reasons why Lupin left Tonks in Deathly Hallows - if you look at his past, Remus Lupin has never really learned to live without moving or running, so when the chance comes to settle in one place, he doesn’t quite know how to cope.

We start with when he’s bitten by Fenrir Greyback. Remus was just under five years old, so this is effectively the beginning of his life besides some hazy childhood memories. He’s a werewolf now, which he has to keep secret, so his life can never really be “normal” again. He and his parents move a lot, because they can’t let anyone close enough to find out. Remus’ early childhood is marked by movement and secrets, because if he’s not literally moving homes, he’s moving around the people he knows, eventually avoiding them altogether by becoming homeschooled.

When Remus goes to Hogwarts, he’s not moving as much in a literal sense, since Gryffindor Tower is kind of his home base now. However, he’s still sitting on a secret that’s a little too big for him, and as a result, he’s moving around his roommates, trying to balance being friends and keeping them in the dark. This is a constant for him - he can’t take a break from hiding his lycanthropy. It’s always in the back of his mind.

When the Marauders find out, I think it’s interesting that their acceptance is characterized by their willingness and ability to “run” with Remus in a sense. Part of their friendship is being the school pranksters, going out on secret missions with the cloak and Map to help them stay steps ahead of everyone else and run or hide if they need to. When they become Animagi, they literally change themselves to keep up with Remus as he runs. They’ve stayed by his side as a human, running around together to cause mischief, and now they can keep pace with him as the wolf as well. Their willingness to change something as intrinsic as the ways they move shows how much the Marauders care about Remus and about each other in general.

When school ends, the war hits, and Remus joins the Order of the Phoenix, the moving, running, and hiding become more literal and more pervasive in his life. He’s part of an illegal underground organization that’s fighting a supremacist terror group, and his colleagues are getting murdered around him. Post-graduation for him isn’t a time to go to college, find a job, or find a more permanent place to live. He’s fighting Death Eaters, jumping from safe house to safe house, and dropping off the grid for long periods of time to live amongst the werewolves (presumably - I don’t have much canon basis for all of this beyond what we know of the second Order and assuming it functions much like the first). As a marginalized group, the other werewolves don’t have jobs or homes either. The nature of the way their condition is treated in the wizarding world means that they always have to keep moving, or else risk injury, imprisonment, and/or death. At this point in Remus' life,  the rule is keep moving and keep your secrets or die. Settling in one place is a death sentence, as the Potters find out.

After Voldemort is defeated the first time, Remus has to deal with the fallout of the war and what it did to his friends and family, and he also has to deal with trying to create a life for himself. His demons have increased in number - he’s not just running from his wolfish side now. He’s got the ghosts of James, Lily, and Peter to reckon with, as well as the specter of Sirius Black. He has to keep moving from job to job and place to place, not only because his lycanthropy means long-term employment is hard to find and requires him to find safe places to transform, but also because he doesn’t want his guilt and grief to catch up to him. We can assume that he doesn’t have a steady income or place to stay during this time, and it’s very likely that he has been homeless for periods of time. When Dumbledore finds him in that cottage in Yorkshire, the way it’s described - “tumbledown,” “semi-derelict” - makes me wonder if it’s a squat instead of a home, and Dumbledore just catches him at a short stopping point.

When Remus returns to Hogwarts, he’s again in one physical place, but he’s still moving a lot. He’s hiding his lycanthropy from the students and possibly some/most of the staff, so his personal life is still full of secrets. In addition, his job as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor doesn’t really lend itself to a calm career. He’s teaching his students about defensive spells and Dark creatures, and since a lot of his qualifications probably come from his experience of the first war, his daily routine is permanently linked to his trauma. Most importantly, he’s also hiding a lot of his history from Harry, because the central threat in Prisoner of Azkaban is tied directly to his backstory. He’s still moving around in a more figurative way, trying not to stay still long enough for someone to pick up on his patterns and expose him. When his secrets catch up to him, he becomes more erratic, forgetting his Wolfsbane Potion and expressing willingness to kill Peter Pettigrew without a second thought, a departure from his usual cool-headedness. He’s back in the mindset of the war, dropping everything at signs of danger and covering his tracks to move on to a new place, and Sirius, now an ally and friend once again, is keeping pace with him. “Together?” “I think so.”

When Snape exposes Remus’ lycanthropy to the school, he has to start moving again. We don’t know where he is between leaving Hogwarts and joining the Order again once it gets restarted, but we can infer that he probably experiences another year of itinerant living as he jumps from job to job and place to place. When he does “settle” (comparatively), he comes back to Grimmauld Place, but he’s clearly in a war mindset once again, and half the time he’s on missions and not even present in the house. Just because he’s apparently the Order member most frequently there with Sirius doesn’t mean that he’s present all that much, because Sirius can’t keep pace with him anymore. He’s being blocked by Dumbledore and is physically and emotionally stagnant while under house arrest, and we know by now that Remus must always keep moving to survive.

Order of the Phoenix is a turning point for Remus. With Sirius’ death, he finally outpaces his childhood - the last person who he was close to as a young man is now dead. Remus is effectively the last living Marauder (at this point, I would argue that Peter Pettigrew’s betrayal has removed him from Remus’ list of people he cares about and who care for him). It’s also when he meets Tonks, and their relationship grows from one of coworkers to friends to lovers in unseen scenes during and between Order of the Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince. She’s kind of a weird choice if you’re picking someone to sort of settle Remus and slow his pace, since I wouldn’t describe her as mellow exactly, but the fact of the matter is that Remus’ growing relationship with Tonks is an obstacle to his habit of movement. She keeps pace with him at first as a colleague/friend like the Marauders did, but her pace changes with her feelings, and she wants Remus to slow down with her. Tonks is stubborn and adamant about what she feels, and in her outburst after Bill Weasley is attacked by Fenrir Greyback, we see that she’s not willing to let Remus try to breeze past his feelings for her. She plants herself right in the middle of his path, and he’s forced to either stop or destroy her as he tries to push past.

Here’s the thing - Remus doesn’t want to stop moving, and we see him resist it, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing to slow down. If we parallel his habit of movement with his lycanthropy (since they’re already linked), we can infer that just as being a werewolf has left him scarred and in pain, constant movement takes a toll on him. Just because he’s lived this way his whole life doesn’t automatically make it healthy. The secrecy and isolation don’t make him happy, and they are directly tied to how much faster he’s moving compared to everyone else - trying to outpace the ghosts. Tonks, in directly blocking his path, is essentially staging an intervention to bring him back to a speed that his loved ones can keep up with. He still has her, Harry, and the Order, just as long as he stops trying to convince himself he’s better off alone and outrunning the dead.

The problem with this is that, as physics tells us, it’s not easy to stop an object that has had a set path of motion for most of its existence. Remus isn’t used to slowing or stopping, and he’s antsy to run again. The things he’s been trying to avoid catch up to him - self-doubt and self-hatred about his lycanthropy and its effects on his life, the need for adrenaline and movement that the wars have acclimated him to. When he feels like it’s all too much to handle, he falls back into his old track of movement in a hunt for something known and familiar. Even Harry notices this, comparing Remus to Sirius and accusing them both of wanting to be daredevils. Remus is trying to get back to the pace he ran at with the Marauders, but Harry argues that that’s not the pace Remus’ family needs him to be at. 

The only way for Remus to be content is to copy what Tonks showed him how to do - stand his ground and face the ghosts head-on. He has to go back home and learn to live a slower life if he wants to have a family, and he does want that. When asked what he would say to Harry on Potterwatch, he makes it clear that he is thankful for Harry’s intervention, and his later joy at Teddy’s birth is infectious. He fucks it all up initially, but Remus does eventually come to the understanding that the way he was living - constantly moving to stay ahead of his secrets and regret - wasn’t sustainable. He’s willing to try, and I only wish we’d gotten to see the just-barely-a-month he got to slow down with Teddy and Tonks.

The Battle of Hogwarts, in a way, proves my point about movement. Remus is forced to drag himself out of family life and back into the mindset of the war, and in a very Marauder-like impulse, Tonks decides to join him at his pace this time. I won’t say they doomed themselves, because the battle required them to exist at the pace of war, and they didn’t have a choice if they wanted to keep their loved ones safe. However, it is undeniable that it is the running that killed them. The movement of war is deadly, and this time, it hit the people we were wishing the most to escape it.

TLDR: Remus Lupin has lived his whole life trying to outrun his personal demons, and his behavior at Grimmauld Place in Deathly Hallows was a deeply shitty reaction to feeling out of his depth when living a slower life.

Sources:

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

https://www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/remus-lupin 

https://www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/werewolves

(Sorry this is so messy! I was excited to write it and put it on paper as if I was speaking it in a sort of tangled stream of consciousness. I hope I got my point across okay!)