#its just because its 'new' and new things are very anxiety inducing for me
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i should read more. i want to start thinking of more narrative ideas because i want to make more comics but for comics to be made there needs to be some kind of background narrative. but i havent read a book in years and the best way to understand how to make stories is to read stories. i have a bunch of books that i bought that i do want to read soon! id also like to find some cool comic books to get ideas and understand comic cadence and all that. i just need to do it
#its just because its 'new' and new things are very anxiety inducing for me#but ive been taking small steps to overcome the fear of new media lately i think#ive been actually going through my 'watch later' on youtube and watching new videos#than just rewatching stuff from my saved playlists over and over#so ill get there! eventually#life with seag
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Sebastian Stan
Words Natty Kasambala
Beloved for Captain America, I, Tonya, and his recent Emmy-nominated role in Pam & Tommy, Stan reflects on a career shaped by diverse characters. Now, with A Different Man and The Apprentice, he’s exploring deep questions about identity, ambition, and the complexities of portraying one of America’s most influential (and controversial) men, Donald Trump
Sebastian Stan wears Rag & Bone throughout. Photography Jim Goldberg
The first time Sebastian Stan tried acting, he hated it. At 9 or 10 years old, he played a Romanian orphan in an Austrian film called 71 Fragments of a Chronology of Chance (1994). Between the waiting around, night shoots, and general pressure-cooker energy, the whole experience had been pretty anxiety-inducing. “I think the idea of a set was just really terrifying,” he recalls. The 42-year-old mainstay admits to being a Leo, but a rather reluctant one, he says, not that extroverted or hypersocial. “I know my mom always thought I was creative simply because I would impersonate the people in our family, or birds or whatever I would see around me.” Nowadays, when he does speak, it’s with the compelling ease of someone who’s spent equal time commanding impressive rooms and in their own head trying to crack the great questions of the world – sounding off passionately about the perils of social media (“there’s so much noise in today’s world”) or the last incredible film he watched (Sing Sing and it was “pure heart”).
Born in Romania and raised in Vienna until he was 12, it wasn’t until immigrating to America as a preteen that Stan found his way back to the craft at all. Attending Stagedoor Manor summer camp aged 15, in the Catskill mountains of upstate New York, his spark was reignited. “That place was really magical and made me fall in love with (acting again); I couldn’t think of anything else as exciting to me as performing was,” he says. “Some of it was about not ever being sure of what to be when I grew up. I kept thinking that you could be a lot of things if you did this.”
So far, he’s been a wayward socialite, a cannibal, a space surgeon, a ski patrol villain, a heavy metal drummer, a supernatural student and a World War II veteran turned brainwashed Soviet operative, to n ame but a few. He’s not an actor you’ll find in the same role twice. With that said, his name has reached household status through a decade-long Marvel stint, with the two films Stan finds himself at the helm of this year being his most ambitious forays yet. 33 years on from his awkward beginning, the actor’s commitment to film appears to still be very much in bloom. “I think I’m at a point in my life where I’m trying to understand things on a deeper level,” he explains. “I can’t say I know everything, you’re always growing, always having to explore. I think it’s important to stay curious, to stay in a certain degree of healthy discomfort… I want to be part of important storytelling that’s asking important questions and reflecting our time.”
In A Different Man, an A24 production directed by Aaron Schimberg, Stan takes on the role of an aspiring actor called Edward with neurofibromatosis, a genetic condition that results in the extensive growth of benign tumours. He undergoes a clinical trial that cures him of his physical symptoms, but his new life turns out to be far from what he dreamed for himself. It’s a winding surrealist investigation into the social impacts of disability, alienation, representation and self-image: its gaze is unflinching, its narrative self-referential and its humour pitch-black. Stan has already won the Silver Bear for Best Leading Performance at the Berlin Film Festival for A Different Man.
The second release, The Apprentice, follows a wildly different arc. Directed by Iranian-Danish filmmaker Ali Abbasi, it tracks a young Trump as he falls under the nefarious mentorship of infamous legislator Roy Cohn. Dubbed ‘an American Horror Story’, it’s a sobering yet deeply entertaining snapshot of the making of one of America’s most influential men. Yet even within the dynamic, prescient story, the actor’s take on Trump is subtle and human, and the tone of the film is less moralising and more matter of fact.
Though the narratives of these two projects are starkly different, you can’t help but find the common threads. Both are set in New York and document a transformation, and both centre a feverish pursuit of some ideal imagined self. A Different Man was filmed back in 2022, and The Apprentice only wrapped in February of this year, but Stan agrees it’s a curious double-header. “I’m weirdly finding parallels between them that I never thought I would. Identity, self-truth, self-abandonment. This idea that we’re always chasing in America, whether it’s image or status or an inability to accept failure and to take ownership over mistakes.”
For the Trump film, that real-life denial was almost the ending of their work of fiction. After years of false starts, Trump’s legal team attempted to block the film’s release in the US altogether and they struggled to find a distributor willing to take on the risk of pissing off a potential President. “For to edit it and get it to Cannes in some finished version itself in five months was just insane. There was no idea if the movie was going to come out,” Stan says. On an individual level, the task felt equally murky and intimidating at first. “You’re trying to tell a story about somebody that’s so famous, who everyone has an opinion about: either extreme love and adoration or hate and animosity. And everyone’s got a version of the guy, so you think, well what do I…” he shrugs, “how do I find my way into it?” Ultimately, they landed on this film as a means of peeling back the layers of one of the most polarising figures of our time. It’s less caricature and more character study as it explores his relationship with his father, his ambitions, the man he was before the slogans and affectations.
Executive producer Amy Baer has spoken about the choice to call on a non-American director to provide a new lens on the intricacies of American culture, propaganda and patriotism. With Stan’s own immigrant story, his perspective adds another dimension to that prism too. Memories of walking down Fifth Avenue in awe and wonder as a kid, staring up at all the big buildings – he tapped into a hunger and drive to portray early Trump as a young man desperately trying to be a part of The Club. “I guess with my experience coming to this country, it was communicated to me even from Eastern Europe that this is the place where you can make something of yourself, you can have a good idea… and you could just succeed,” Stan says. The Apprentice asks, “but at what cost? What happens to a person’s humanity?”
Throughout the film, you witness Trump espousing about “bringing back New York”, even remarking on Reagan’s campaign slogan ‘Let’s Make America Great Again’ towards the end, an ideology he would go on to repurpose for his own candidacy. It’s a fascinating yet depressing origin story of a nationalistic rhetoric that echoes today as a Trojan horse for corruption and greed. “It’s complicated. That’s why I think there’s value in exploring it,” Stan urges. “This American Dream idea is a really powerful driving force that also comes with consequences.”
Perhaps the most complex part was the toxic relationship with his sometimes-partner-in-crime played staggeringly by Jeremy Strong. “I think he was the best partner I’ve ever had in anything I’ve worked on,” Stan declares with a smile. “You know when you’re standing in front of a fire and you feel the heat of it and there’s crackling in the air? That’s how it felt.” Amidst quite a gruelling, isolating filming schedule, it’s the aspect Stan speaks about most fondly.
Clothing Fendi, Necklace & Bracelet Cartier, Boots Givenchy
Swinging between dominant and intimate, transactional and paternal, from comical to devastating, both stayed in character throughout the shoot and undertook a colossal amount of research to be prepared for infinite possible improvised routes. “Creatively, makes things interesting is when you’re not in control. You do all this preparation to be prepared to be surprised,” Stan says. Shot documentary-style in moments, Abbasi might give each of them notes in private to shift the tone of a scene, and they’d find themselves responding instinctively within their roles. “The only way you can achieve that is if, to some degree, you find that person in you. And I can certainly tell you,” he pauses briefly to consider his landing. “There is a version of Trump that existed in me. And I’ll make the argument that there’s a version of Trump that exists in all of us. And that part of our job, part of our interest, should be figuring out what that is. I think we have to acknowledge and expose the things in us that are not so easy to admit, in order to further protect the things we need to fight for. You can’t ignore it.”
In that moment, it’s clear that it’s an argument as true of our discourse on Trump as it is of Stan’s other role in A Different Man. His character Edward is driven to obsession and madness when he witnesses the thriving life of a person with the same disfigurement he was quick to shed, the very thing he believed to be the root of all his misfortune. Right before his transformation, Edward has been ignoring a leak in his ceiling for weeks, and the damage is getting worse. When he’s finally forced to call for a repair, the super arrives and is appalled at how bad he’s allowed it to get. He tells Edward frustratedly, “you should have fixed this sooner”. In that moment, it feels as though he’s talking about a hundred things at once. From Edward’s own issues with doubt and self-acceptance that cling to him even when he is no longer ‘different’ to our own society’s discomfort with, and the misunderstanding of disability altogether. We cannot be afraid to look.
“Edward makes a decision that he thinks is going to improve his life, but he’s not making it for himself. He’s making it because he’s watched other people and he’s grown up in a society that’s told him this is what works,” Stan explains. “Essentially, he abandons himself and he spirals down trying to further live with that painful acknowledgement. I think we have to be conscious of when we’re making decisions that go against who we are and what we truly want.”
In true indie style, squeezing in around the schedule of their makeup artist who was on another project at the same time, Stan had some hours to kill most mornings in prosthetics before filming which he’d spend navigating the city he calls home: “one of the gifts that I was given which I’m very grateful for was the experience that I had walking around New York City as Edward.” With reactions to him ranging from invisibility to hypervisibility, it shifted his entire understanding.
“I’ve been there like everybody else thinking, oh, if I had that. Or you see someone on Instagram and you’re like, oh my God, look at that life, they have the best life; you get caught up in these things.” It’s both reassuring and a little disheartening that, unlike his superhuman alter ego, a star like Stan is still not immune to the very human insecurities us civilians face of joy-stealing comparisons. “There’s this idea I’ve been thinking about a lot with my therapist actually,” he laughs. “He was saying ‘I am me and you are you.’ I was like… yeah! But you forget. We have to understand our own experience and then understand someone else’s. But we have to try to understand it not through our own emotional… vomit.”
When I ask Sebastian what he does for fun, to unbecome his characters and shed their existential weight, he cites reading (mostly non-fiction) and travel (to see other cultures). “I always feel like I’m not learning enough,” he laughs. You get the sense that this year is a juncture for Stan, always revered for being grounded and likeable, but perhaps waiting for opportunities like these to enrich and express other sides of himself as an actor and voice within culture. “Both of these films came at an interesting time where I’m thinking about if I’m at mid-life, this second half of my life. What is it that I want to be a part of and one day look back and be proud of?”
And that’s not to say fun is off the table for Stan. He’s passionate about laughter as a release in a difficult world. “I think it’s just as important, we have to protect humour,” he tells me with an urgency. “I love comedies, romantic comedies, action.” In fact, there’s a top-secret action movie passion project that he has in the works and hopes will come together in the right way. “There are also things in Marvel I want to do and explore with ol’ Bucky Barnes,” he smiles, presumably in reference to the new Marvel film Thunderbolts, slated for a 2025 release, in which he stars alongside Florence Pugh, Harrison Ford and David Harbour. “Otherwise I just want to keep learning how to be a human being. I’m telling you,” he laughs, “I feel like it’s pretty hard.”
Photography Jim Goldberg Styling Reuben Esser Production Hyperion LA Hair Jamie Taylor using Augustinus Bader Hair Erica Adams Represented by A-Frame Agency
#Sebastian Stan#Port Magazine#Photoshoot#Interview#The Apprentice#A Different Man#Marvel#Bucky Barnes#mrs-stans
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I just made myself a cup of a new tea, one from a set that a friend sent me. I was super curious to try it with and without milk in it, so after I take a sip without, I'm going to add milk to my tea.
That may seem like such an inane little story to post on a blog, unless you have an eating disorder. I'm sure many of you know what a big deal milk in tea can be, and what an important act of self-love it is.
It was poured into many of our ears, approaching teenhood in the mid-2000's, not to "drink our calories." For those of us whose restriction was weight-based, many of us practiced filling ourselves with water, with our coffee black and unsweetened whether that was how we liked it or not, and with tea that never contained milk.
Like many people who've struggled with binge eating and with restriction, I struggle with creating anxiety-inducing rules about when is okay to eat, especially if I'm between meals and worrying if I should allow myself a snack, or if it's okay to quench my thirst with anything other than water. This is especially true between meals. For some reason my brain has accepted the "extra" caloric intake as part of a meal, but still balks at the idea of introducing these things independently into non-meal parts of the day. I would like to note that my chronic illness and my body's reaction to food has also influenced this weird relationship between me and my favorite treats, such as a piece of candy, or a beverage that might happen to contain a greater-than-zero calorie count.
But tonight, before bed, I want to try this tea. And it sounds like one that'd be super tasty with milk, as it has cocoa powder and vanilla in the blend. So I let my tea cool in the room with me as I type this, telling myself that I can get up and go back for milk after I taste it.
Now I have gone to the kitchen.
Now I have poured in a splash of milk and tasted. It's soy milk, as regular milk sometimes hurts my stomach and I don't want my sleep to be disrupted. Due to my chronic illness, this is still something I have to think about, and I'll be honest, I hate it. Things like this make it so hard to tell myself I can let go of my food fears, because my brain knows that some of my food fears will turn out to have validity, and so what if they all do?
Now I have poured in another splash. Tasted.
Now I have poured in a third, much larger splash. Tasted.
Oh, this is it. This tea tastes like a warm dessert. But now it's too cool, so I need to microwave it back to its best heat. I used to not want to microwave my food. As a teen I heard a hippie say that microwaves destroy the nutrients in your food because the radiation breaks down their molecular structure. This is absolutely false. In fact, it's been disproven that microwaves break down nutrients any more than other methods of heating food, but for a long time I believed it. And even after I learned the truth, I still found it hard to convince myself it was okay to use microwaves for a very long time.
I have just finished my tea in my room. I took the time to identify that I wanted it. I took the time to truly taste it in several different ways, consider how I felt I wanted it and bring it to those specifications. It wasn't planned for any specific time or day, but I agreed to give myself this the way I wanted it anyway. I've been drinking my coffee with milk every morning, too. I actually like black coffee, but I like it better with milk. And I give myself things throughout the day that I enjoy, to enhance my experience of my existence. Life is hard, and it's okay to allow yourself, to the fullest extent you can, the small joys that bring you through the day.
I wanted to share this with you. I hope you don't feel the crushing weight of morality when staring at a bottle of regular soda and the sugar-free, when you wake up with your morning coffee, when your self-care regimen includes a cup of tea. I hope you practice actively giving yourself the love you need this week. And I hope you give it to yourself exactly the way you need it.
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headcanons behind fic: brother texting habits referenced in long & short
Chay holds up his phone sheepishly. “Also, your brother texted me. We’re invited to dinner.” Kim’s smile drops. He doesn’t need to ask which brother. “Did he type that out, or just send an emoji with a question mark?”
ngl, had i realized how much i'd expand this series, this is actually a scene i'd cut or at least heavily rework. it's the weakest scene of the story and its execution has only felt more clunky as time passes. hindsight! that said, i don't regret the scene either because the headcanons behind the premise of that scene are very near and dear to my heart, namely the texting rituals of Khun, Kinn, and Kim :D
the boys have a system to their texting. it's not anything as concrete as a code, that'd be far too dangerous and anxiety inducing. their system, naturally, revolves primarily around giving hints to Korn's mood without outright saying anything:
firstly, all brother invites to things go through Khun, because Khun's invites will only ever be invites and Kim's 'no's will only ever be 'no's.
anytime Korn demands Khun or Kinn (usually Kinn) drag Kim to a family thing for him go through Kinn, and 'Kinn's requests are always phrased as a question Kim can refuse. Kim once tells Kinn he'll show up if Kinn orders him to (because he doesn't actually want to get Kinn into trouble if Korn's being esp insistent), and Kinn smiles and tells him "thank you" and never ever once orders Kim join them, because Kim asked not to be involved in the family business and Kinn will take on any burden to keep Kim free of it.
Kinn passes along how insistent Korn's being through the overall tone and vibe of his messages, usually indicated by how much of it he types out. requests Kim join official functions sound like a formal invitation printed on a card, requests Kim indulge Korn playing family are much closer to Kinn's standard texting style;
because, and this is a silly headcanon i will have forever, Kinn fucking loves emojis. you know his whole "this could've been an email" vibe when he shoots that guy in the head ep1? same vibes except much cuter. Kinn thinks emojis are adorable and efficiency perfected. why send "thank you" when the 👍 emoji is right there? a picture's worth a thousand words and 🫂 is a thousand warm ones. he could send "wanna check out that new coffee shop by the studio next tuesday for brunch? their menu is 60% sprinkles so i'm sure you'll love it" but ☕🧋🎙️❔👑2️⃣🗓️🕦🍬👉💕💕‼️ is so much quicker. the only reason why Kinn's texts aren't 87% cute stickers is because he hasn't yet realized they come preprogrammed in his phone.
("do you think he speaks in hieroglyphics because he's secretly ancient?" Kim asks one day.
"how old does it make you to understand him then?" Khun snarks back.)
((Kim leaves Khun on read for a week.))
some bonus thoughts: Khun's a spam texter of the highest order. every one text is sent across 3.5 texts minimum. Kinn only ever sends one (1) text. if Kinn's replying to multiple messages in one go, he separates his responses in indv bullet points (if he's feeling petty towards Khun, he responds to every one of Khun's messages individually).
(Kinn's multiple messages to Chay in long & short are absolutely because he's watching Kim's live. for all Kim's snooping, he has somehow missed that Kinn has every alert and then some set for Wik news and while he can't make every live, he plans his breaks around them and even moved a meeting once.)
also, while Kinn pretends he's threatening/blackmailing with these baby Kim pics, this is 100% him taking advantage of the situation to gush about cute baby brother with a fellow Kim AppreciatorTM. Kinn has the cutest little brother, and he's gotta keep up with news of baby brother's current shenanigans somehow 😤👏 Khun is guilty of similar crimes ofc.
(Kim suffers older brothers so much.)
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Youre..its...Dynamight!
~ bakugou katsuki x reader ~ tags/cw: aged up bakugou, anxiety, established realtionships, home business girl boss, cute lil baby dynamight fan meeting his hero. ~ wc: 870
Katsuki was the one who mentioned working from home. He was the one who suggested turning the spare room into your studio and working out of the comfort of your own home.
"It's not like were using it for anything, and I don't plan on filling it with little ones anytime soon." He poked your belly as to emphasise the point.
“Plus, it’ll be good for your anxiety” and despite his flat tone and lack of concern for the space you would be taking up, your heart squeezed at how caring he was. he knew it was tough on you going into work some days, when the anxiety would grip you by the throat and slam you back into bed. The dark shadow of pandemic induced agoraphobia taking over your desire to be in the world of the living, and you felt so guilty taking days off, having a lower income than your boyfriend even though he reminded you every single time you paid of something that he was kind of loaded and didn’t need to struggle through (you could never let him do that, at least not while you weren’t married and ready to be a home maker) so you turned that spare room into your own workspace and after weeks of renovating and redecorating, you were finally open the public, well select few of the public.
You had been open for a while now, your clientele steadily increasing and so did your bank account, but it was the initial surprise of having your clients face drop upon seeing pro hero Dynamight lounging on the couch in his sweats, playing video games. You enjoyed the surprise and shock completely taking over them as they stammered trying to piece the puzzle together.
“You’re- is that - huh?” were the usual string of words that bringing new clients over for a consult is always interesting.
You don’t think Katsuki fully understand the impact he has on people, especially when he’s just lounging around watching tv or emailing companies, all very mundane not pro hero things. (he knows but he doesn’t care. it’s his house why should he change his behaviour for people he’ll see for two seconds) but it was your latest consultation that had you loving your newest work space.
It was a simple consultation, only half an hour to discuss price and appointment times but your client had to bring along her little one due to school being off for holidays. She had given you enough warning, asking if it was okay if her six year old tagged along because her babysitter had flaked and this was the only time she had free. It wasn't an issue for you, offering the little one a hot chocolate and cookies as you and their mother talked.
You hear Katsuki come home halfway through the appointment. He would usually walk into your voice and greet you with a kiss before heading to the shower or his office but you had put up the little sign to signify that you had a client and would be busy for a bit.
The jingle of keys and heavy footfalls of his boot clad feet alert the little one to another visitor. Your eyes flick over to them, hot chocolate clutched tightly in their tiny hands as their head turns to the door and only then do you notice the Dynamight t-shirt. Eyes scanning over the rest of their outfit you clock the socks and shoes and their little backpack in the corner all adorned with your fiancé's face.
"Do they like Dynamight?" you ask the mother quietly, trying not to alert them to the mention of their favourite hero.
"Like?" the mother scoffs. "That's all they talk about. It's Dynamight this, Dynamight that. I've just about had enough of that name." her laugh is soft as she looks over at her child, fondness and slight annoyance lingering in her eyes.
You nod in understanding, biting down on your lip to supress a smile. "You might just hate me for this but-" you turn your head towards the door.
"Baby, can you come in please." you call to Katsuki.
"Angel, I'm too tired so if you want it you're gonna have to- ohh," Katsuki is whining as he walks down the hall but stop his sentence as he spots the kid sitting at the end of your desk.
You watch as little one freezes. Their eyes growing wide and jaw dropping as they see their hero steps into the doorway. You catch Bakugou's gaze, smiling at him before nodding towards the shocked child sitting a few feet from you.
"It's… it's…." their voice is small as they follow Katsuki around the room. "You're Dynamight." they whisper.
"Hi, bud." 'Suki waves and drops into a squat to talk to the little one.
"You're… mum, it's him." they whisper, tiny hands curling in their shirt.
The mother turns to you, eyes wide as she reaches for her phone. "How did you- is he your- how?"
"fiancé ." You laugh softly. "I'm sorry, i should have given you a warning."
She shakes her head, attention now on her fawning child. "You just made me mother of the year."
a/n: cute bakugou content that i never finished from July last year
#bakugo katuski#bakugou imagines#bakugou katsuki#katsuki bakugou#bnha bakugou#bakugo x reader#katsuki bakugo mha#bnha katsuki#katsuki fluff#this was in my drafts
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my (admittedly not very good or coherent) thoughts on wind and truth so far, divided by characters and kind of organized by storyline?
not all of us can read that fast, wind and truth spoilers up to chapter 80 below
- I love adolin and yanagawn's friendship, they are so important to me. he's teaching him towers and theyre genuinely friends and he got noura to begrudgingly approve and gah. I love them dearly. I would like lift to be able to talk to yanagawn again too. adolin trying to learn everyones name is so emotionally intelligent of him. I love that that one guard (hmask?) got to tell adolin that he saved his son, sweetest moment ever. me son you!!!!!! adolin is so much smarter than so many characters (and readers) seem to think he is, his head for battle strategy is almost unmatched and he's an incredible leader. may aladar is an icon and notum coming to help was very satisfying. his growing bond with maya is not only healing her but its healing my heart. I dont know if in the future they can bond like aliveEye spren and person can but that would be neat. adolin would make a fantastic edgedancer.
- sigzil the man the myth the legend himself is crushing it with an awful situation in narak. his plot is the most anxiety inducing to me because they are not getting shit for help and the everstorm is literally parked right there. the engineering being key to his strategy is very cool to me because no one else is doing anything like that. also, vienta being able to calculate the lashing force and distance needed to kill one of the new fused (forgot their names. the belt guys) is epic and theyre such a duo.
- venli and co. in the chasms is going to play into the battle for narak most definitely. chasmfiends being chill with them is so awesome and cool. chasmfiend pov chapter when. pure tones of roshar save the day? also want rlain reuniting with these listeners so he can a) see his friends and the remnants of his people and b) chew them out for letting him go be a spy with absolutely no protest
- dalinar is getting on my nerves, I understand he's under a lot of pressure but he's being such a dick to the stormfather. in character yes but MAN do I wish both of them were better at communicating. the spiritual realm storyline is very interesting and the way he's going about it is putting me in physical pain.
- loving the navani time but I low key miss the scientific toxic lovers thing she had going on with raboniel. I dont see how she puts up with dalinar, because he's a blundering ape. also, I share adolin's opinions about oathbringer's publication of the razing of rathalas.
- little gav is a revenge hungry angel but an angel nonetheless
- CHANA DAVAR CANON???????
- shallan has grown so much and I'm so proud of her :) I love getting details about her backstory and I love that formless wasnt a one and done defeat. she has to keep fighting her. just as veil was created to hold difficult memories I think radiant was created to battle shallan's imposter syndrome and self confidence issues. it would be cool if radiant was also integrated by the end of the book, but at this point its clear shallan still needs her. great investigating of the ghostbloods and ba ado mishram. it pleases me. dalinar take notes.
- rlain making a soul projection of him and renarin kissing and renarin being like holy shit we do NOT have time to address this was so funny. I love them too. my weird little autistic queers. they're so othered from their respective peoples that theyre each other's people. shallan is tired of their flirting after literally 1 second. they're meant to be. rlainarin canon I love gay people (and trans people. shout out that one trans blacksmith in azimir and that one person that desperately wanted to talk to the sibling and was immediately like "so what is not being male or female like")
- kaladin's journey of self care here sure seems like the way to swearing the fifth ideal, and syl being on her own journey that way is so so fantastic. spren learning how not to live for their radiants is very poetic to me in a way I can't explain right now because tired. nale gets on my fucking NERVES. I know people that argue like that and I hate hate hate them. whats up with the wind? want more info about the old gods of roshar, made directly from adonalsium. sequence with kaladin dancing with syl and the wind is absolutely gorgeous. kaladin's realization that szeth is like tien instead of like himself was heartbreaking and a great example of dramatic irony. the observant reader (me) sees him treating szeth as a man who chose to fight instead of a boy who was forced to (because reader gets the exact years ago and the ages and such) and goes NO KALADIN NO
- szeth is becoming one of my favorite characters. I love knowing about his backstory as well. the culture of shinovar is so interesting to me. the splashes? stone being sacred? the Farmer, their monasteries (I LOVE monasteries), the ritual of pilgrimage? adding and subtracting? love it all. also szeth being like "thank you kaladin I can finally off myself" and kaladin being like "no?????????" was kind of hilarious. his spren is a piece of shit. I really dislike that highspren. most unhelpful spren ever. also, is the voice odium or an unmade or the stones (like the wind) or a secret fourth thing? (edit: I haven't read much further but I'm an idiot, its obviously ishar because of the spren) I have such feelings about szeth but you need to just know them as I project them from my heart to yours.
- jasnah kholin the love of my life has finally broken up with my competition (Wit) and she's also figured out that the ships dont actually have soldiers in them which is so so smart. back to the scholar roots. best leaders are always academics (like sigzil) or genuinely caring people (like adolin and kaladin) (dalinar watch your back. however, I acknowledge that he cares). jasnah is the smartest person in this damn book and her pointing out her own fallacies and internally discussing the effects of her as a general and knowing how everything about her affects how she is percieved a role model for women all over eastern roshar shows it. I appreciate jasnah freeing slaves and learning from her mistakes and actually trying and stuff but its upsetting that this is definitely brandon's extent of addressing lighteyed privelage and displaying that complex relationship. I have read very very good fanfiction about this, in which it was good to see that other people agreed that "bridgeboy" is a much more offensive nickname than "princeling" (because of the power imbalance and racial connotations of "boy")
- why are we doing hemalurgy on roshar rn. (also aluminum negating investiture everywhere is cool and awesome.) moash is really only one letter away from marsh. also, I'm losing hope for a redemption arc for him. can't tell if its good or bad narrative for a story with overarching morals of second chances to have moash not be redeemed. on one hand, it's not realistic to redeem everyone. on the other, I don't think he's beyond redemption and I think it would tie up that storyline in a nice little bow. but in real life, nothing ends in a nice bow like that. teft's story ended beautifully, and its tragic he died, but he had reached the end. I think its interesting when characters are purposefully killed off before completing their arc or veer in a different direction because it leaves the audience unsatisfied and feels more empty and like a real untimely death. my feelings about moash are complex, but as someone invested in these characters I want him to be redeemed
#I must get my thoughts out there I'm so sorry#wind and truth#wind and truth spoilers#stormlight archive#my blorbos from my shows
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juice induced hill depression. Back on meds again and hopefully going to get in touch with a new psych who can prescribe me something else. Have been very tired and unjoyful the past week but better now and playing modded Skyrim, initially just to make my oc in it but then just kept slamming more thangs in there. Mod that puts bunny rabbits everywhere. Also is there a mod that adds cute animal ears/suits as wearables or one that even makes the girl armor less sucks. Like im either fully leaning into the immersion breaking for self indulgence sake or im getting rid of the annoying shit.
visiting mom in Vegas earlier this month was nice except for the part where I hate Vegas. I know im not great with travel and settling into places can be a tough one for my brain but also my god it’s just evil there. Brilliantly so but still evil. I would have loved to enjoy the scenery surrounding the place more as deserts are just very beautiful and fascinating places but at no point during the day was the temperature less than a full hundred degrees Fahrenheit. It barely dropped during the night either. Between that and varying physical ailments (Oof Ouch My Digestive Sensitivities Lol) (Oof Ouch My Tendons Lol) (Oof Ouch The Agony Caused By Using Stairs Lol) it was the perfect conditions to be a miserable pile when I wanted to be with my family. As sad I was to part ways again I was not sorry to leave that place. Gained a new appreciation for changing up what I eat randomly to keep my body on its toes. At one point mom brought us to a pub and her husband asked for Diet Pepsi while I asked for regular Pepsi. Visually there’s no difference so we got handed the others pepsi and swapped. And then later after he refilled his Diet Pepsi another waiter came up and wordlessly refilled mine as well. With Diet Pepsi. Wasn’t even asked. Fucking stunned. Also went to a near dead mall that was nice anyway
stuck on brain zaps as a symptom of Specifically antidepressants withdrawal. There’s some things describing them as “mini seizures” in function. To me it’s like the body noticing the usual isn’t happening for some reason so it tries to jumpstart the brain into working good like before. universities I can go to with my theories. Back in and at it this week, hopefully to remain consistent for longer than before which will also likely help with the depression and anxiety. More people should just put stuff in their blood if they can
it can be embarrassing to express your misery more clearly to someone, specifying the fact fact thoughts running through your head. But then again it’s only embarrassing because your mind convinced you so, and will convince you that holding it in is also cruel and selfish. Finding it funny that animals probably don’t have as complex spirals and bouts of depression because they dont have a language to articulate to themselves in their own heads that something is awful in a very specific and contradicting way. Or actually no because there is still pattern recognition but that’s more a paranoia learned thing. Is there an animal that can randomly, for seemingly no reason evident to anyone including itself, experience crushing dread and self doubt. Is there an animal that feels shame besides man
had a tilt table test that was embarrassing too but for much more clear concrete reasons. Somehow didn’t know about that second part, and did complain through most of the first part because Oof Ouch Everything Hurts Lol. REALLY did not know the iv thing and had to once again sadly state that no, It has to go in the hand . I will say the experience was funny in the second part from the other ways because my first reaction was literally just “Uh Oh.” The moment I realized it was going to get worse. all I know is my blood pressure stayed consistent throughout, I don’t know what else im gonna hear about it. Hopefully something helpful.
is setting up an ABLE account difficult? Can anybody do it? It’s an issue dealt with by a lot of people but I should at least try to find a way to save money from benefits for the future or in case some stupid medical shit happens that the health won’t cover. I just looked up and saw Vinny sleeping while propping lubics head up with his foot. Hoping I can enjoy things normally again shortly,
8/26/2024, Still better than july
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Scared Vi
The thing I was finally able to put into a thought and into words after staring at gifs for 2 hours straight: throughout all the post-timeskip Arcane Vi is fucking scared of everything that's going on around her. AND she's on the brink of losing it pretty often. I need to rewatch (no idea when I'll be brave enough to ride this rollercoaster again) but I didn't notice it while watching, because, WELL, there was already TOO MUCH to take in, so some more subtle details escaped me. I've caught that Vi is very vulnerable in her honesty, openness and straightforwardness, but that wasn't all to it, and it bothered me! Because all three don't ooze the vulnerability 24/7 and that's what Vi looks like to me nearly all the time!
So I was wondering.
And here's the answer. She's been suddenly released out of her cell into the world that is now completely unknown to her. Yes the air of freedom is great, and she enjoys it, but at the same time there's always this frightened undertone.
She's constantly on the edge.
Not in the least because when things that used to be familiar, like your home, ones you used to know like the back of your hand, change but not completely, it's the worst trap of all, the most confusing and anxiety inducing. How much of what you remember is still the same? How much changed? Can you trust its exterior even if it looks the same? Or would it betray you in the worst possible moment? How do new things work? How do they work WITH the old things? I've experienced it once coming back to my former workplace that changed quite a lot but no one bothered to fill me in so I was piecing together the information for a YEAR. And I might not be the brightest but I'm not dumb either. I'm pretty good with systems. It was BAD.
So I can't imagine how much worse and disoriented Vi must have felt. And Caitlyn took her out of jail to SHOW HER AROUND. Having no idea how the world Vi used to know so well changed just in several years. So she's on a look out all the time. And her eyes, her expression betrays her put up exterior of confidence and maybe even arrogance, leaking this anxiety and straight up fear almost all the time.
She looks like a frightened, lost little girl. And when she doesn't, she looks like a desperate teenage girl who tries to punch her way out of every problem because she's backed into a corner and that's the only way she knows, even if it never helps. (No seriously, the only time it helped was against Silco's thugs and EVEN THEN they weren't completely dealt with and kept causing problems straight up to the bridge fighting scene. Vi's fists kept her alive and safer but they never SOLVED anything.)
I think the way she looks just SCREAMS fear and anxiety when she and Powder/Jinx fight back to back after the torch scene. Jinx looks like she's completely in her element, she knows these guys, she's been in situations like this time after time. It's habitual. She's very confident and almost careless there, moves freely, she knows what she's doing. She might even enjoy it. Vi, on the opposite... Vi, who's all about loose body language, free movement and such - nearly curls up into a ball against Jinx's back, keeping her fists and elbows close to herself. Vi NEVER looked like this again, I think. I... believe she was the most thrown off kilter back then. She finally found her most treasured and the only remaining piece of her past - her sister, and sure, lil Powpow changed, she had to survive, but she's still Vi's little sister!
Right?..
Wrong. Powder-Jinx back then is the quintessence of the trap Zaun is to Vi now: familiar pieces are all there, they're recognizable even if a bit changed, but you never know what lurks under the surface.
And gods does Jinx just demolish every last bit of the ground Vi was standing on. It's not even when Jinx goes full on unhinged, it's when she simply starts blasting bullets all around. When she fights and she's confident in what she does. Vi doesn't know this girl. Vi doesn't know this gang flying around. I bet she doesn't even know this TECHNOLOGY because the world made a whole leap technologically while she was stuck in her cell isolated from pretty much everything. It's like a literal time skip for her. And she doesn't know what to trust, so she can't trust anything no matter how much she wants to. And she HAS to want it, because she looked genuinely hopeful fresh out of Stillwater. Before she saw what her home turned into. Silco really did bring the monster out of it, not just himself or Jinx or shimmer junkies. The whole city. So Vi looks small, and frightened, and I think she's even panicking back in that scene.
She's ready to snap at any moment.
It's very interesting to me, because she looks tough and very mentally healthy on the surface but boooy are there mountains hidden underneath.
Vi does snap, actually. Several times. Her voice cracks as she's trying to convince Ekko she's THE Vi, same she used to be. She charges at Sevika TWICE. I think second time was much worse btw. She literally downs a drink IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT - I don't think it was out of mental stability. And, well, the cry in the end. She won, and it helped nothing again. Even her mental state. Another fragile moment with Vi is the way she looks around her sister. Vi is confident and action-charged by nature, she's energetic and isn't shy to take up space. So she never looks small... except when she's around Jinx. She's drowning in guilt, and this guilt is spilling out.
Interestingly enough, scenes when Vi DOESN'T have this scared/guilty/anxious/desperate look is around Cait. She's either playful, or actually confident, or even RELAXED. Which is... wow, all things considered. Part of it is a put up facade, of course, but only in the beginning. The ship sails itself huh...
A lot of people pointed out Caitlyn is about future in Vi's life centered around the past, but I think what's more important is that Cait is about the present. Plus, she's a familiar - an enforcer, a topside - turned unfamiliar in a GOOD way.
Gods once again I'm baffled at the level Arcane is thought through. These are subtle, small details, expressions that aren't exposed or accentuated like many other ones. They are underlying, but once you notice them it's a whole new tapestry unfolding right before your eyes.
As you can see, I'm very normal about Arcane and Vi in particular, yup, totally cool 😌👌✨
#yes I've watched Arcane just like a week ago what of it#sorry if it's been mentioned multiple times by now#I only watched several essays on YT and none talked about this#so#I'm kinda hyperfixated on Vi as you can probably see#this insane amount of work the creative team put into the characters#gods I'm so glad I can witness this masterpiece#arcane#vi arcane#jinx arcane#caitlyn kiramman#caitlyn arcane
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Writer Questionnaire
Thank you for the tag @phoenixradiant and @mk-writes-stuff!
About how long have you had your writing tumblr/writeblr?
I created this blog at the end of 2022 but went inactive for a big portion of 2023.
What led you to create it?
I was already working on my WIP, which I want to publish one day. I was worried that people wouldn't be interested in what I was making, so my partner (@persnickety-peahen) suggested that I should make a tumblr to see how people would react to my ideas.
What’s your favourite thing about the writeblr community?
I enjoy seeing how people are able to bring their characters and their settings to life. I really enjoy reading the snippets of other people's work.
What’s one thing you’d like your mutuals to know about you?
I'm always willing to talk, whether about writing or something else entirely. Just a warning though, I have a tendency to ramble
Is there anything you’d like to see more of on your dash?
Worldbuilding! I know I'm a bit of a lore fanatic, but I want to see some huge exposition posts from my mutuals too!
Which wips or writing projects are you noodling about, lately?
I really only have the one WIP, The Testaments, but I have bits and pieces from all over the planned series bouncing around in my head. I just finished a big paper and so I'm hoping to get back to writing Book 1 soon!
How long have you been working on them?
I suppose that depends? Working on it as in actually sitting down and plotting things out, or just scribbling in my notebooks? I'd say probably about 5 years now.
Do you remember what inspired them/what got you started?
It was a few things, just random ideas that sort of conglomerated into Narul. Then I started making a world for him to live in.
How much time, in your best estimation, do you spend thinking about them?
Very often, can't really say how much, I have a tendency to imagine scenes in my head. Basically whenever I'm listening to music, I'm likely thinking about Testaments.
When someone asks the dreaded, “what do you write about,” question, what do you usually say?
It depends on who I'm talking to. I say its fantasy but based on the ancient near-east/Mediterranean rather than Europe. If its someone that is familiar with that region/period I usually go into a bit more of a spiel about how Narul is in part inspired by characters like Gilgamesh but with the opposite of Hubris.
Name any characters you created. side characters, protagonists, antagonists, characters who’ve never been written, your first original abomination; whomever you’d like!
I'll go with Bop. Bop was a once terrifying wind spirit that now resides inside of a hammer. They are at once incredibly wise and ancient and very naïve. I created them as an immortal friend for Narul. What if the One Ring was a just a chill non-binary pal?
Who’s the most unhinged?
Zatar, though Batricca is a close second (Great Grandson and Great Grandma, crazy violence runs in the family).
Who comes the most naturally for you to write?
Narul is pretty easy to write, because in a lot of ways he's representative of my own anxiety. But I also find that writing spirits and scenery comes really naturally to me.
Do you ever cringe at them?
Not really. Istek's flirtation is probably the most cringey thing that a character does and even then its more funny than anything. Ninma can be an annoying little brat, but is not cringe inducing,
How much control do you feel you have over your characters? do they ever “write themselves,” refuse to cooperate, or do things you didn’t expect? to what degree? are some less cooperative than others?
I'm not really sure. I'd say I'm pretty in control of my characters, if only because I have most of the serious plotted out. But sometimes new characters appear or characters just do something because it feels right in the moment, I suppose you could say in those instances that they write themselves.
Do you enjoy people asking questions about your characters? and do you have a preferred means of receiving said questions? for example, as asks, as replies, as reblogs, as tag notes, as comments on ao3, etc.
I love answering questions about my characters and world. I have a couple questions I need to get to (I just need to finish my conlang post). Send asks, tags, replies, reblogs, anything!
What makes you want to follow another writeblr account? do you follow ‘em as you see ‘em, or take time scoping out the blog to make sure you align with its content? do you follow based on wips, or vibes?
I tend to look for writeblr intros and read them over. If the story seems compelling, I'll follow. Pretty simple. Alternatively if someone follows me I tend to follow them back.
What makes you decide against following?
No content on their blogs, certain political/social ideas (no terfs), I don't tend to read a lot of fanfic (not to say that it isn't totally valid) so I don't tend to follow blogs that are solely based around fanfic rather than original content.
Do you interact with non-mutuals often?
Not really? I wouldn't mind interacting more though!
Do your mutuals’ characters occupy space in your noodle?
A few will occasionally seep into my thoughts. I will admit though, I am terrible at remembering the names of my mutuals characters, especially when I take long breaks. Djek and Izjik from @illarian-rambling appear in my head every once in a while. To tell you the truth though, I tend to think more about the worlds and settings of my mutuals rather than their characters.
Tagging @willtheweaver, @elsie-writes, @elizaellwrites, @roach-pizza, and leaving it open!
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SEVEN DAYS | PREVIEW
pairing: jeon jungkook x reader
genre: beach town au / fluff, angst, eventual smut
word count: 1,755
description: You thought that it was just going to be be a normal vacation to the beach. Seven days of hanging out with your parents before moving away for grad school. It was supposed to be that simple. However, when you meet a local boy that wants to show you how life is lived by the water, you don't realize just how quickly you can be dragged under.
note: Hello, everyone. It’s been a very long time since I’ve posted anything writing related on this account, but getting back into things that made me happy has really been helping me. I know it says multi parts and this is just a preview, and I’m not the most reliable person ever lol. But I just want to put some creativity back into the world, and this is a story I wanted to write years ago that is just now coming to fruition. Thanks for all the support!
Day 01: Sand Dollar Budget
Day 02: Shark Teeth Over Seashells
Day 03: Jason's Woods
Day 04: Legend of the Lighthouse
Day 05: New Moon
Day 06: Lightning in a Bottle
Day 07: Lost at Sea
“Are you gonna stay underneath that umbrella the entire time?”
Your jaw clenched, toes nestling themselves further into the sand, as if that would somehow anchor you in place. The constant crash of the waves in front of you had induced an almost trance-like state, so the sound of your mother’s voice had thrown you off completely.
“You know I don’t like the sun,” You responded, turning to face your parents who were just a few feet away, relaxing in their lawn chairs. “It’s hot, and I enjoy the ocean a lot more when I don’t have to squint while looking at it.”
“It’s called sunglasses.” Your mom tapped her face, showing off the simple fix to your complaint. “And the sun kind of comes with the territory of being in Florida, dear.”
“Yeah, yeah,” You mumbled.
“Go in the water then. You haven’t been in all day. You’re gonna waste your whole time here.”
You sighed heavily. Wasn’t the point of vacation to spend it in whatever way you found pleasurable? And if for you that was relaxing beneath the shade, what was so wrong with that? Plus… your fear of the ocean and all of its infinite surprises lurking beneath might also possibly be a factor. You were from a landlocked state, after all. Did she forget that your closest interaction with the ocean until now was through pictures?
Though, when you really thought about it, maybe being dragged away by some possible sea creature with sharp teeth would save you from the pit of anxiety you had been drowning in for some time now.
Colorado to California.
In just two weeks you were going to be moving states away from all you had ever known. No friends, family or even acquaintances waiting for you on the other side. Of course, you knew you should be grateful for this opportunity. It was a prestigious program that was tough to get into. But regardless of understanding your lucky position, it didn’t change the festering fear clouding your head. Fear that was apparently so strong, it was actually driving you into thinking a shark attack might be ideal.
Only dramatics of course, because your next move was standing up to proclaim, “Fine, I’ll be at the pool.”
“Not what I meant, but better than nothing.” You couldn’t see your mother’s eyes, but you knew they were rolling into the back of her head.
You fought your way up the sandy hills. Each step having your feet slipping beneath the grains. And after a lifetime of this you finally made it to the wooden dock that led from the private beach to the beach house you were staying at for the next seven days.
It was a beautiful sage-green house that stood on top of wooden stilts, and an outside staircase that brought you up to the front door. It was only one of many that stood in an endless line down the beach front as far as the eye could see in either direction.
You got interrupted in your admiration of the different houses as you did an awkward run across the blazing hot wooden path. Definitely should’ve grabbed your flip-flops, you thought to yourself.
“Ow, ow, fuckin’ motherfuck,” You whispered as you finally landed back on a patch of grass on the other side of wooden planks. You breathed a sigh of relief as you dug your feet into the cool dirt before walking towards the back of the collection of beach houses, where a community pool was.
Most of these houses were owned by snowbirds who only lived in Florida during the fall and winter when the northern states became too cold. This left hundreds of houses all over the south of the state open to people from everywhere in the country to have a little week of ocean paradise.
Paradise.
That is what you needed to treat this trip like. No worries about moving and having to start over. Just being here in this moment for the short amount of time that you were here. You decided that was going to be your new mindset moving forward as you opened the gate to the pool.
The pool was quite large, but there was a group already huddled up in one corner of the shallow end. You counted two boys and two girls as you scanned for an open lawn chair to lay your things down.
You couldn’t help but notice how attractive they were as you started to take off your bathing suit cover. It was only amplified as you got closer while wading down the steps into the water. You were lost in this thought when the group suddenly turned to face you. You froze up just expecting a simple friendly wave of acknowledgment. However, that was thrown out of the window when one of the group began to drift towards you.
“Hey, nice to meet you!” One of the boys said as he extended his hand while you settled waist deep into the water.
“Oh, nice to meet you as well.” You shook his hand, not used to such sudden introductions.
“Jesus, Jimin. What’ve we told you about ambushing people like that?” One of the girls said, lightly smacking his shoulder. “Sorry about him. He was never taught manners. My name’s Reina.” She smiled.
“How the hell’s that any different than what I just did?” The boy, apparently named Jimin, asked while crossing his arms in annoyance.
“Well you already broke the ice without giving her a second to breathe, so I had to.”
Jimin looked like he was about to say something back until the other boy in the group came up and looped both of his arms around their necks, pulling them closer together. “Alright now lovebirds, you’re scaring the tourists.”
Ah, that explains their playful squabbling. “Oh, you guys are dating. You look super cute together,” You said.
Jimin immediately stood up taller, grabbing Reina closer. “Yeah, I accidentally caught a fishing hook in her hand when we were fourteen and she’s just been tagging along ever since.” He smiled, peppering kisses on her cheek.
“Well, it showed me how bad at fishing he is, so I knew he wasn’t gonna be one of those guys out on the boat for hours ignoring their girlfriend.” She grinned during the insult before getting her head dunked underwater.
“I’m gonna kill you!” She yelled as she swam towards Jimin who was already jetting towards the deep end of the pool.
“That’s what you get!” He laughed as she caught up with him and began splashing at him.
You smiled watching them together. You weren’t lying when you said they looked cute together. Though your smile faded after a few seconds, because seeing them reminded you of your own situation. Not only was the idea of grad school itself weighing you down, but it had actually been the downfall of your longest relationship. After you found out you were accepted into the program in California a few months back, things took a turn for the worse in your love life. He was not able to see a future in a long distance relationship spanning a few states, so unfortunately you had to call it quits after three years of being together. You started to dwell on these thoughts when you were thankfully snapped out of it by the guy who had tried to stop Jimin and Reina’s bickering a few minutes prior.
“Sorry about them. Taunting each other is their favorite hobby. I’m Namjoon, by the way.” He smiled, dimples popping out as the sun reflected off his almost platinum blonde hair.
“No, it’s no problem. It’s pretty cute actually.”
He shook his head. “Trust me, the charm wears off after more than a decade of having to watch it.”
Wow, a decade, you thought to yourself. And the comment actually made you remember something. “Oh, that reminds me. You called me a tourist.”
His eyes went a little wide as an apologetic look crossed his face. “Sorry, totally didn’t mean for that to sound rude. I know some people can complain about tourists, but we love meeting you guys.”
“No, no, I wasn’t mad about that,” You said, waving off his concern. “I just meant that means you guys actually live around here full time.”
“Born and raised by the water, baby.” He raised his beer.
The last person you hadn’t been introduced to yet then swam over towards the two of you. “Well, except for me. I’m Lisa, by the way… It’s actually my last full day before we’re heading back home.” She looked sad as she said that, lips pursing as it set in that her time here was almost over.
However, it looked like some people had not seemed to realize she was almost set to leave, because immediately Namjoon turned towards her, mouth open.
“Oh my god, I forgot you were leaving tomorrow! It feels like you just got here like two days ago.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Lisa said, dipping her head beneath the water for a few seconds.
“Well, this will absolutely not be how you spend your last night in this town.” Namjoon stood up, making his way up the stairs so that he could stand over everyone in the pool. “Announcement!”
“Yes, oh great leader,” Jimin yelled from the deep end of the pool, where he and Reina seemed to have made up.
“It’s Lisa’s last night, so I have an idea.”
“Oh, oh, oh!” Reina explained as she began kicking her way back to the shallow end. “Jungkook’s band plays at Blue Tiger tonight after he gets off his shift at the marina.”
Namjoon clapped his hands together. “Read my mind Reina!”
Everyone got immediately excited and began pulling themselves out of the water.
“Jungkook?” You asked, still standing in the pool.
When you asked about this mystery man, some of the members of the group looked at each other and gave a strange smile.
“Uhm, just another one of our friends that lives here too.” Namjoon suddenly reached his hand down to you, silently asking for you to take it. “He’s really good. Wanna join?”
You were surprised by the offer, since you had only met these people ten minutes ago. But you thought to yourself, this was exactly the type of thing you needed to distract yourself from all the stresses from your life. Plus, this Jungkook character sounded intriguing enough.
With that, you reached up for Namjoon’s inviting hand. “Sure.”
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mmkay i'm almost done with ina may's guide to childbirth, which i thought i wasn't gonna read bc too crunchy for me... but it turns out i am a little bit susceptible to crunchy content lol. i want to do some THINKING ALOUD about BIRTH under the cut.
after doing lots of reading (not just this book lol) i think i want to try for an unmedicated birth with minimal interventions. "try" being the key word because i also want to keep things very flexible and be able to respond to what i'm feeling in the moment. it seems like one of the surest ways to be disappointed or lightly traumatized by your birth experience is to go in with a rigid or overly idealized plan and then feel blindsided when things go sideways and you have to suddenly deviate from the version of birth you'd been really invested in. i am totally willing to get an epidural if i find contractions unbearable or to have an emergency c-section if it becomes medically necessary or to be induced if i am way overdue. but i also feel like... idk. i am not someone who takes a lot of pride in my Ability to Weather Pain or anything and i don't want to try unmedicated birth as way of Proving Something to myself or others. but i feel like, if i look into my heart, i kind of want to see what that experience is like and i want to see if i can use these different kinds of tools to reframe my understanding of what's happening to me in a way that feels empowering instead of "oh my god the worst thing imaginable is being inflicted upon me."
i have some complicated feelings i want to untangle around this, but i think the core of it is that my pregnancy loss and surgery last summer really fucked with my head, and a big reason was because the process was so intensely medicalized, felt so out of my control, and was handled with a painful lack of sensitivity by several of the medical providers i interacted with. that experience would've been shitty enough on its own, but it also happened to come at the end of a highly medicalized conception process where i spent months having my body obsessively monitored and scanned and tested, and where i spent a ton of time stuck in a pretty dark place in my head feeling like my body was fucked up in some way and incapable of doing this thing i wanted it to do so badly. idk man it really messed with my head. and then when i got pregnant again, the first trimester was just this terrible haze of bloodwork and transvaginal ultrasounds and intense surges of dread/anxiety every time i had to go in for a new test or scan. i know that some of that was necessary! the IUI process was necessary, the surgery was necessary, the monitoring to make sure i didn't have another ectopic was necessary. but now i am 34 weeks into a healthy, low-risk pregnancy and i don't think there is any reason to believe that birth must be a highly medicalized experience for me. i feel this tentative but real desire to give my body a chance to at least try this thing that it may only get to do once. i also feel keenly interested in the emotional and intellectual work of preparing my mind/body for birth. i want to understand in detail what's going to happen to my body and i want to approach the experience itself from a place of curiosity rather than fear. i want to practice ways of reframing birth as a process that animals' bodies naturally know how to do rather than a pathological condition that needs to be intensely monitored and managed. i want to experiment with different tools for calming my body/mind. i also know that i want to be able to move around for the entire labor process! for some reason this is the thing i feel most absolutely sure about... like i'm MUCH iffier on the whole experiencing intense pain thing lol but i'm absolutely sure that i want to be able to change position, walk around, move, etc., for as long as possible.
i also feel like my SIL's experience was a little bit illuminating for me. she was SO terrified of giving birth, like crying and having panic attacks about it for weeks leading up to the event, and ended up having just about every medical intervention you can have short of an emergency c-section. all of those things were meant to ease her anxiety/make labor simpler and faster, but instead they just resulted in a really long, scary, kinda traumatic birth experience that really freaked me out. so like, idk, i may have to have the exact same cascade of interventions she did! i can't predict how it's going to go or how i'm going to feel. but i think that maybe just doing the work of preparing for an unmedicated birth will stand me in good stead even if i choose or am required to go a different direction. like i think if i can really do the work of understanding what's going to happen and respecting the intensity of that experience without fearing it, i will probably feel better about whatever happens even if i do decide to get an epidural or discover i have to have a c-section. idk if i've articulated that well but it's like... part of what was so traumatic about the pregnancy loss was just like, feeling like i had no options, no time to think about it, and no possible positive outcome, and also feeling very afraid and grief-stricken and overwhelmed by how fast everything happened. and in that case i really did not have that many options - like it was always going to end sadly and it was probably always going to end in surgery. but now i am facing a different situation where there are a whole range of positive outcomes before me and also a number of meaningful choices that i get to make for myself. and i want to make them. i want to choose to try one thing, and then if things change i want to choose to try something else, and i want to feel like i understand all the choices available to me and am making a decision for myself instead of wholly handing it over over to the doctors. idk. lots more to think about but! i think one good thing is that i was feeling quite scared of birth before doing all this reading, partly because my SIL's labor was kinda scary/intense to hear about from the outside, and now i am feeling quite excited about having this human experience because i have a better understanding of what the process actually entails and what i can do to manage my emotions around it. i think it will be uhh not Fun lol, but i think it will be meaningful and i am deeply curious about what it will be like to go through it. so! so.
(also fundamentally i just get to have my own ideas about what i want to try!!! i get to try something even if other people are like wow i would never make that choice. the things i am curious about do not have to be things anyone else is interested in or curious about!!)
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Geno collection part 2: quick doodles version. I’ve been holding off on posting this one because i wanted to write my usual yearly blurb summary underneath but i’ve been struggling to put it into words which is a new one for loquacious me. What to say about geno…
Normally i’m very logical about my favorites - i know exactly why i picked them and there's a list of reasons. This time left me confused. One minute i’m insisting i’m not going to root for pittsburgh, even though its my city, and i'll only do ONE drawing of sid as a homage. But then there's this photo of some dude sitting on the boards in a blue jersey - you can’t even see his face it’s all about the Attitude and his posture - and it’s the most compelling hockey photo i’ve seen yet. Who is this guy, how the fuck is he so sexy, he's just SITTING, he's not even skating? And then i find out his name (and whoops it’s that guy i already decided to hate, guess i have to rethink my snap decision), and then i start noticing things. And noticing more things, and reading old blogs, and more, and more…
And next thing i know ive got over 271 doodles in my sketchesdone folder, and a favorite that was never supposed to be a favorite, and also a new sculpting project.
So. Why? his expressions are a joy to draw. he looks like he escaped from an animated film. He's got that elusive quality where half of what i want to draw is physical and the other half is in his movements, and body language, and personality. It drives me crazy because i am terrible at capturing that second half so i’m never fully happy with any of my doodles. That glow of personality, the look in his eyes - how the fuck do you draw that? I don’t know.
His body alone is also interesting - unique proportions. He's long, with lots of muscle, but also soft? I could cry over it probably. Actually i just study, and study, and want to throw my computer at the wall when i get it wrong in my art yet again for the thousandth time.
He's funny. But he's sneaky about it. If you dont pay much attention he seems like this kind of slapstick guy. But underneath the surface goofball he almost miserly keeps to himself how sly his humor can be. You get the feeling that he doesn't miss much, even if he doesn't comment on it. Yet even that's hilarious - how in some interviews it's obvious he's mentally checked out. All so you're thrown for a loop when in other interviews he's the most vivacious guy in the room. Which is the real evgeni? only he knows. :P well, and obviously the lucky few who know him personally.
I have a small confession. I’ve been sending him art. Look - the missing the playoffs thing happened - and i was suddenly overcome with concern that they might not get as much fanmail as usual. And that was so sad. And then i realized i had all these drawings. And a printer. I could send fanmail. (i have only sent famail once before. this was a very anxiety inducing undertaking) Normally i don’t like the subject of my art seeing my art, it’s just supposed to be for us. But i carefully picked out each drawing - mostly the ones that were more badass or powerful in the traditionally masculine sports sense. I definitely avoided any of the thirsty ones (duh) and tried not to use any of the more personal ones of his face where it was obvious i was just drawing him instead of him as a hockey star. And tried to be respectful and desperately hoping my art wouldn’t accidentally insult him somehow or be inappropriate. i have zero idea if i succeeded and it only worries me sometimes.
So there you go. The year of geno. \o/ nothing in this list has any logic to it
#really i have no other excuse it must be magic#this is the gas leak year except it's just me discovering evgeni malkin for the first time despite living in the same city for a decade#2023#seriously i had SO MANY drawings to choose from this year#and it's all of his face#im gonna get into hockey i said#im gonna use hockey action shots to practice anatomy and gesture i said#and then i go and draw genos face 100 times just so i can learn things like the exact angle of his cheekbones#so useful#his bottom lip is my kryptonite
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Big Post #1
okay so!! its the end of december, and that means i'm going to write an update on how things have b33n for me!! i'll try to separate this into thr33 categories, christmas stuff, life updates for us collectively, and some purrsonal things about me (this is all going to be pretty sad and is going to be put at the bottom of the post with warning before it shows up! click off if you don't want to read that.)
alright, so starting with christmas, it was great!!! we got literally everything we could have asked for... we got a few books, new clothes, and a new hoodie! (our old hoodie was kind of coming undone.) our "really fucking big one" was a oculus quest 3... we've b33n playing the new batman game on it! it has b33n alot of fun and i might write a full review for it and post it here.. we also got almost every godzilla funko pop from the 70th anniversary wave, our godfather was very awesome for that.
okay! this is stuff about our collective life and how things have b33n for us. (scroll down if you just want to s33 personal stuff from me.) but we've b33n very inconsistent these past few months. sometimes we f33l really happy and sometimes we can't even get out of bed. it is a very weird f33ling, and i kind of wish we were medicated. we've slowly b33n getting school related things done, and we've had alot of fun spending time with the people we care about, but recently theres b33n a kind of dreadful looming her that makes us stressed the hell out! what a purrfect transition into-
EVERYTHING PAST THIS POINT IS TALKING ABOUT MY SHITTY LESBIAN SITUATIONSHIP!!! DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT!! have a good day, and i love all of mew :DD
my personal stuff that's b33n going on! the long and short of it is that it has b33n incredibly bittersw33t, with it being great, or really fucking terrible sometimes. i won't really say names because i think that should be counted as private but i will talk about it all here. over the past couple months someone that drifted away from me came back, and we've b33n doing well again. they have their own issues i've b33n trying to help with, but i think my personal bias towards them clouds my ability to give good advice.
for context, this person (i'll call them j) is my favorite person (insane reveal that we have bpd!) and we were dating for a while, before she eventually broke up with me, because there was some serious stuff i n33ded to work on! i ended up doing that, and we started talking again. i still really like her. i think she still really likes me too, or at least i like to tell myself that in hopes she will s33 what she saw in me again! i think it is hopeless though. she has a girlfriend that for a while wasn't very good for her; i still think she's bad, BUT j talked to her about the issues and is going to try to better herself and what she does, from what i'm aware.
i don't think she will, but i'm also not even sure if she is actually going to try that!! i know they talked about it but i'm not sure if they are actually going to better themselves, because they were never willing before, what would make them willing now?
i f33l disgusting and gross for f33ling jealous about still wanting to be close to j, even though she's told me before that she still cares about me, but i worry if it is even true. she is a people pleaser, after all. it makes me worried that she is just saying things that will make me f33l better and not actually how she f33ls, even though its unlikely.
i she knows i won't stop loving her, even if it is pathetic to say.
if you read this far, thank you for putting up with my bpd induced anxiety about someone i love! on a positive note, i've b33n playing through the classic sonic games! they are fun.
once again, thank mew all for reading this, even if you skimmed!! i love everyone and everything, and all of you deserve to be happy!!! i hope you all had a good holiday season, and here's to a good 2025! (it is going to be a doozy of a year!)
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✨Fanfic soulmate AU idea for Merthur✨
Hi, hey, hello.
So. Here’s the thing: this idea has been literally living in my mind rent free and it has developed into a sort of monster idea at this rate. I NEED this thing out so maybe someone actually competent at writing can pick it up and make me very very happy. So. So. So. I’m gonna divide this post in three parts to make it more understandable and all that, starting with the world building.
World building 🌎
I know what you are thinking. “Oh, soulmate au, must be very straightforward and boring” NO MY FRIEND.
Usually, in a soulmate au, a superior divine power (be it a god, the universe, or whatever) chooses the characters partners without their intervention. In this world, the characters are the ones who choose their soulmate.
“What?” Yeah. Hear me out.
In this world magic not only exists, but it’s also widely accepted and integrated in society. That includes practices such as marriage, which can be accomplished in three different ways.
Your usual magicless ceremony, though in this world is not as popular as,
Emotional-bonding ceremony. Pretty self explanatory, I think, but nevertheless, is about bonding emotionally with your partner, which means people can feel what the other is feeling. Is believed that this bond allows for a deeper connection in the relationship. And then there’s the most rare one,
The soul-bond ceremony. Like I said, extremely rare. This is mostly because of a series of different reasons, but is also considered the most important marriage bond you could ever have, if you do, and is widely romanticized. Soul-bonded pairs, because of this, are deeply respected, to the point that separating them is considered a grave violation.
Some of the reasons why soul-bondings are extremely rare:
a. It doesn’t work for everyone. What I mean with this, is that just being in love with someone isn’t enough. The soul bond requires not only a deep mutual understanding, but a love that transcends the body. In a matter of speaking, your soul has to be in love with the other person's soul.
b. It’s not enough if you do happen to love that person that way, but the same kind of love it’s not returned. It needs to be mutual.
c. It cannot be forced. You can’t make an arranged marriage with a soul-bonding ceremony. If the people involved aren’t willing and don’t feel like that, the magic simply won’t take. And finally,
d. Not that many go for it? I mean, the prospect of a soul bond is daunting as it is but on top of that, this ceremony is not as simple as that. As the name itself tells you, this is a soul-bonding ceremony. You are literally uniting your souls. That’s not only permanent, my friend, it will also transcend your mortal life and bleed into the next. Do you have any idea how desperately and profoundly in love you have to be to go for it? Yeah, exactly.
As you probably noticed, yes, this is where the chosen soulmate thing comes into play 😏.
Reincarnation exists in this world, but mostly, people can never know if they are reincarnations or new souls… unless, of course, the had a soul-bond from a past life.
People really don’t get flashbacks or memories if they do happen to be reincarnations, soulmate or not. There’s no such thing as a soulmark but the universe does have its ways to push people that are supposed to be close together.
You know when you are about to go on a trip, add all these thing to your baggage, and feel like you have everything you need, except… no. Not quite so. There’s something missing. You turn around your room, even search the bathroom, but for the life of you, you can’t figure it out. The feeling it’s maddening, anxiety inducing, really. What is missing?
And then, you can’t wait anymore and need to leave, so you do. You get to your hotel, and, while unpacking, it hits you. Suddenly you know exactly what you left behind and, yes, it turns out to be something you very much need.
That feeling, that nagging at the back of your brain, it’s how it feels to be reborn soul-bonded. Not that people can recognize it easily. Besides that, there’s the hunches. Sudden strong feelings that say “yeah, if I do this, if I go down this path, I’ll get closer to finding this thing I need, even if I don’t know what it is yet”. It’s slow working, but people always get there. Eventually. It only takes one look for your soul to sing in recognition.
Also, just because they are soulmates doesn’t mean they immediately fall in love. They are still strangers to each other. It’s more like, meeting someone and having the perfect comfort that if you work for it, give it your all, you will find a love like no other at the other side.
Engagements are also done with magic, usually. The practice is as sort of more formal promise, because once a person is magically engaged to another, any magic done in a ceremony (marriage) that isn’t done with the person you are engaged with simply won’t take.
Not only that, but if you happen to already be married (either with an emotional bond or a soul bond) and try to get engaged, the magic won’t take either. This means that if you are a reincarnated soul with a soulmate, you might find something new about yourself at your engagement ceremony lol.
Unless you happen to do a magicless ceremony I guess, but like I said, it’s really not the preferred thing.
Arthur in this AU 👑
After laying down the basics, who’s Arthur in this AU, within my head?
He’s the crown prince of a kingdom (it can be Britain if you wish, or a modern Camelot, idk, it really doesn’t matter) and he’s about to go through his engagement ceremony. *gasps*
Is an arranged marriage, of course. If you write this, you can choose whoever you like to be the woman at the other side, but either way it’s not gonna last.
Arthur, of course, isn’t happy about it but knows this is his duty and all. Never mind the constant feeling that he’s doing something he really shouldn’t be doing, or the feeling of guilt he doesn’t understand.
The ceremony is a public affair. Nobility, high society and royalty are all there to witness the event as expected, including journalists to document the event. Then the ceremony begins, Gaius, the Court Sorcerer to King Uther, doing the spell casting. Except, it doesn’t take.
The guests, who had been silently expectant, suddenly start quietly murmuring. What’s happening?
Uther frowns, going to Gaius, wanting an explanation. Calmly, Gaius tells him that the engagement won’t be possible, since the magic bounced against Arthur. The murmuring gets louder. Is the prince already engaged? Married? Oh, my!
Uther turns to his son, red in the face, screaming “what have you done?!” But Arthur is just as confused as everyone else. He says as much.
Gaius intervenes, telling the king there’s no point in being mad at Arthur, since the soul bond was clearly done in a past life.
Now people are really going nuts with this. Soul bond? It’s rare of course, but do you have any idea how many centuries it has been since a noble, let alone a royal, was soul-bonded? Let alone the crown prince?
Arthur can feel his heart beat out of his chest.
.
This is pretty much the only clear scene I have in my head, so, yeah. I also played with the idea of having a sort of soul-tracking spell that lets you see who’s at the other side of the soul bond as if it was tv and make everyone look at Merlin and realize it’s him but I wouldn’t know how to make it work. If you can, I might kiss you.
Merlin in this AU 🧔🏻🪄
So, you probably noticed Gaius being Court Sorcerer to king Uther there, didn’t you. It will be relevant here.
Court Sorcerers and monarchs in this world work as a team. Usually, when a new king is crowned, a new court sorcerer will be named, and this sorcerer will be the most powerful one of the same generation as the will-be-king. Sometimes, they'll meet before the kingship, sometimes after. There aren’t really any hard rules about that.
The new Court Sorcerer prospect is not obliged to say yes, but it is considered a high honor. Not that Merlin in particular wanted to.
Merlin is not only the most powerful of his generation, but also the most powerful to be born in centuries. This is not surprising, since it doesn’t matter if he’s reincarnated or not, Merlin is always going to be the most powerful one. But I digress.
He was found by Gaius, when he was 17, barely getting out of school. He explained the process: he would go trough training, and when the time came, he’ll take his place.
Merlin really wanted to say no. He almost did, but something stopped him. A hunch, a feeling that, maybe, just maybe, saying yes would be worth it. The feeling was strong enough for him to doubt his original stance, and then, to yield.
And so, the man would spend years under Gaius’s tutelage on all things magic and royal customs and etiquette, these days being closer to his thirties (somewhere between 25 and 29 years old). And everything would be perfectly fine if he hadn’t had the most curious dream.
You see, I said that people usually don’t remember their past lives but Merlin is a bit different. He’s pretty sure this was a past life.
In the memory, he’s running through the woods. He runs, runs, runs, feeling the heartbreak, the pain, the tears running down his face.
Modern Merlin doesn’t know it, but his past self would dare to soul bond with prince Arthur of Camelot, even knowing he wasn’t his to have. They did it because they wanted something only theirs, for once. Something no one could take away. But, as was usual when it came to duty, prince Arthur would be forced to marry eventually. And that day was that day.
So Merlin runs. Eventually, he reaches a hidden stone cellar, abandoned a while ago. He goes in it, burying the precious item within. He buries it because he knows no one must ever find it. The gods only know what would happen if the nobles or, gods forbid, the king figured out what they’ve done. So he buries his dreams and hopes, protects them with magic so they are not eroded and damaged by the earth, enchants the cellar so it doesn’t fall apart on top of it, no matter how much time passes.
A sudden fear paralyzes him. What if he tried to recover it and didn’t find it? No. That wasn’t an option. He was being a fool, he knew. He would never get the item back. But just in case, he needed to make sure that he could.
And so, the Merlin of the past didn’t know it, but, the spell might have worked too well. The point was to brand the location in his brain, but he’s so desperate, so scared, he doesn’t realize he branded it in his soul.
Modern Merlin wonders at this memory, wonders at the sudden necessity to go look for the item. But the thing isn’t there anymore, is it? It probably never was. It was just a dream.
And yet, before he knows it, he’s already looking, something he can’t name driving him forward. He feels ridiculous, set for disappointment, but he can’t stop. He walks as if he knows where he’s going.
His heart stops when he sees the beat down entrance of the cellar. It goes up to his throat when he goes without stopping to the specific place the item was hidden. He chokes on it when he knows not only where it is, but how deep it was buried.
And then, it’s in his hand.
The ring is simple, but beautiful. A gold band with elegant Celtic runes. Merlin looks at it, fascinated. He can feel the magic embedded in it. Soul-bonding magic.
He gasps. It is believed that touching a soul-bonding item that’s not yours is bad luck, but he has the all encompassing feeling that this ring is his.
Now, within the library he seats with Will and tries to pretend there isn’t a necklace around his neck with a ring hanging from it, hidden under his clothes.
Finishing thoughts 💭
If you write this in a slow burn, longish fic, with angst but also mostly softness and drama from an external threat I would love you forever. Bonus points if you use third pov, specially with the media. I love when that’s included with characters that are supposed to be public. I mean, people gushing about the fairy tale with prince Arthur on twitter? Newspapers documenting what’s happening? Yes please. External pov is the best.
Super extra points if you write it without miscommunication being the center of the angst and the fic. Forget kissing you, I would soul bond with you.
Anyway that’s it. It’s pretty long, but hopefully someone feels as excited as I do about this AU and picks it up. If you do, don’t forget to leave the link in the comments ❤️.
#bbc merlin#merlin#Merthur#Merthur fic#fanfic idea#fic idea#Merthur fanfic#Arthur pendragon#merlin emrys#this idea has been HAUNTING ME I SWEAR#Is it obvious with how long this post is?#i just keep thinking about Arthur suddenly looking at Merlin and forgetting how to breath bc holy that man’s gorgeous#and the media going crazy bc the crown prince being soul bonded to a man? talk about unexpected#and then everyone and their mother shipping it so hard they are trending on Tumblr for a full month with gifs and everything#and Merlin seducing the hell out of Arthur and Arthur trying to pretend he isn’t helpless against it#uuughhhhh#king arthur#camelot
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Diary of a Junebug
A light shower of spring rain for the sprigs of lavender lotuses and night sorrel
The Misty Range Woodlands is a planet, though many see it as a giant greenhouse - and they’re not wrong. It’s home to all kinds of rare and unusual plants that seem to only exist here, and so great care is taken to ensure that they remain as bountiful as ever.
Not surprisingly, it’s one of those places where you have to make reservations far in advance in order to visit. Thankfully, I have connections, so we got a good deal on one of their resorts thanks to the Epiphany since they’re here on a mission. What I didn’t expect was to also run into Jamie, Aislinn, and the Linnea squad, so that was nice. Jamie had been hoping to meet up with the Epiphany crew, especially since she hadn’t met Meiying and Hongxia in person yet.
As for why we’re all here, it’s to take a hands-on class on how to take care of lavender lotuses and night sorrel. Not too long ago, those two plants have been discovered outside of the Misty Range Woodlands, most which are native to those areas but were considered unknown until recently. And it turns out that there’s some growing near the camp, which is a pretty big deal.
Even if it wasn’t required, I still would’ve signed up for this class out of curiosity if someone suggested it to me. I think it’s fun to take random classes to learn something new without the pressure of having to be good or worry about grades - sometimes you’re just curious and want to try something out because it looks interesting.
Who knows, maybe you’ll find yourself enjoying the experience far more than you expected, which then leads you to wanting to take a deeper dive into it. That’s how I got into things like mechanical keyboard building, which I knew nothing about until I got one of my own and wanted to customize it after seeing a bunch of pretty and aesthetic pics on social media. Sometimes you just see something that looks pretty and you’re like I want that.
But really, making your workspace pretty while still functional helps a lot with your productivity. I mean, who wouldn’t want a nice looking desk that sparks joy when you look at it? Why must everything look so plain under the guise of professionalism? What’s wrong with having some color or design to show a bit of personality and make things a bit more visually interesting?
Maybe it’s just me, but having a mechanical keyboard makes me more motivated to get work done. They’re just so satisfying to type with, especially with the right key caps that look and sound nice - basically, it’s a sensory thing. A flat keyboard just doesn’t hit the same anymore.
Anyway, so learning about lavender lotuses and night sorrel’s kinda like that in terms of starting out with little to no knowledge about it, to now wanting to take a deep dive after learning a bit about the basics. I’m no plant expert by any means - I know a lot of people who deserve that title far more, though expert doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of their expertise - but I have picked up a lot of interesting tidbits over the years.
It helps to know someone who’s not only well versed, but also passionate about the subject. I find that they’re the ones who are more than happy to talk about it, teach about it, and just share their enthusiasm in general. Meiying and Nabil are two plant experts - though for very different reasons/fields - who easily fall into that category, so it’s no surprise that people often turn to them for advice.
In fact, Meiying was invited as a guest lecturer for this course since night sorrel - and moon sorrel, which is kinda related/under the same plant family - is native to Qiangshou. Both are used for its medicinal qualities related to improving sleep and reducing headaches induced by stress and anxiety. Along with having studied the plants extensively, Meiying also has firsthand experience on the medicinal effects. Over there, they use it in herbal teas, usually one whole sprig if taken before bed, or a handful of petals if taken for headaches.
Now that I think about it, I do remember seeing some night sorrel growing along the Crimson Maple River - she even pointed it out to us along with a million other unique plants that grow there. There were even a few sprigs hanging on one of the windows of her place, probably something they usually have on hand when needed.
So that was fun learning about, as well as a much needed break from an informative, though just as interesting, series of classes. Plus, Meiying’s good at explaining things as well as keeping the audience engaged, even when she sometimes goes off tangents, which I think adds to the charm.
Even though she never intended to be a lecturer, people back at home just assumed she’d be good at it because she knows so much about topics that most would consider niche - not to mention how clearly and thoroughly she explains things. Her first go at teaching a class kinda came out of nowhere - personal recommendations, one which happened to come from Hongxia’s sister-in-law.
What was the subject? Sex education. Because a lot of adults are lacking in that, which isn’t really surprising. Why Meiying specifically? Because she gets quite a few customers who are looking for some natural or herbal thing to increase their sex drive. Also, on the opposite end with people trying to suppress their sex drive, and maybe even induce abortions. Then there’s some who think they can treat STDs without having to see a doctor, probably because they’re ashamed and assume they can hide it.
Being an apothecary sure brings a lot of unusual cases, so it’s no wonder that Meiying picked up on a lot of different things. Although her official title’s an apothecary, people have referred to her as a detective, medical assistant, IT person, secretary, pharmacist, teacher, botanist, consultant, just to name a few. Still, even though she’s considered a jack of all trades, she considers herself first and foremost an apothecary, someone who just happens to be fascinated with medicine - not just in terms of treating an ailment, but also the process of making it and the pharmacology behind it.
Seeing Aislinn again was a nice surprise - same for the Linnea Squad too. Aislinn and Jamie are here to visit a friend and the Linnea Squad tagged along at almost the last minute. Basically, there’s shot going down with Linnea’s family, so Jamie’s taking them under her wing again until that drama dies down. Linnea already blocked at least 20 calls since we got here, which is a lot. Like, don’t they have anything better to do than to harass someone who’s not even involved?
She already made her stance clear by standing up against them and she absolutely doesn’t regret her decision. The other members - Florina, Nash, and Shirin - stood with her in solidarity, not just because she’s their leader, but because they had their own reasons for becoming disillusioned with the International Sanguine Watchdogs Army. Many have accused them of biting the hands that fed them, especially since they’re the reason why they’re still alive today, but that’s obviously their way of saving face.
In short, it’s a fucking mess that they’re lucky to get out of relatively unscathed, mainly because Linnea has one sympathetic family member who was willing to put their neck out for them. Linnea’s able to keep in contact with him, which is how she got the heads up about the current situation. She doesn’t know too much about the specifics other than it’s another one of those things that kept being swept under the rug until it piles up and now it’s blowing up in their faces. The older she got, the more she noticed that stuff like that was a regular occurrence, which is very problematic.
However, she did learn something that might be a bit of hopeful news from her adoptive brother Lauge regarding someone the squad assumed was dead. The squad broke ties with the International Sanguine Watchdogs Army for various reasons, and the annihilation - yes, that’s the word they used - of their comrade Altti’s squad along with countless others proved to be the last straw. Linnea and Altti were assigned to work together on an ill fated mission, resulting in him being the only survivor of a failed retreat.
The Linnea Squad barely escaped themselves, and Altti would’ve been killed too if Jet hadn’t insisted on saving him. By then, Linnea and Florina had grown fed up with the higher ups and their questionable decisions. Sure, things can get unpredictable and go from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye, but straight up sacrificing your own people just to send a message and then playing them up to be martyrs is taking things way too far.
Like, damn, it’s basically an extreme case of if I can’t have this, then no one can. It’s like someone throwing a fit when they lose a game, except instead of flipping the game board, they just bombed the hell out of it. Then they declare it a victory because everyone’s dead, therefore, no one can object. No wonder Linnea and the others bailed out - I too would be like fuck this shit, I’m out, bye.
So for a time, Altti accompanied the Linnea Squad. He initially butted heads with them, mainly because he was older and wasn’t too happy with having to work with a bunch of kids, especially two who technically outranked him. Jet was the one who managed to get him and his squad to cooperate and see them as equals. When the higher ups brushed the tragedy aside like some cold statistic, the Linnea Squad stood in solidarity with Altti when he protested against their indifference. They didn’t expect a domino effect to follow afterwards, though they now know that it was bound to happen eventually.
Then in the span of a few weeks, the Linnea Squad lost three comrades - Altti, Jet, and Gabe. However, Altti didn’t walk out like the other two, and his status remains unknown, but presumed dead. Linnea was warned by her brother that the Sanguine Watchdogs was planning to seize the entire Sanguine Jurisdiction, which meant that the squad had to flee the country if they want to survive. For context, the main city is right in the center, so the closest border is about a 6 hour drive - even longer and more treacherous when you’re most likely traveling on foot most of the time, as well as trying to evade the military.
They were almost at the border when disaster struck, forcing the squad to split up in order to improve their chances of escaping. Linnea and Florina went north, Jet and Gabe east, Altti, Nash, and Shirin west. The westbound group was caught in a crossfire when riots broke out in the surrounding cities, forcing the higher ups to resort to extreme measures similar to what happened with Altti’s squad.
Nash and Shirin got separated and they barely escaped thanks to a civilian who was believed to be the last person who saw Altti before he disappeared in the chaos. As the riots escalated, the guys realized they had to make a difficult decision with Nash insisting that they not leave until they find Altti because it’s what Jet would have done while Shirin felt that they were wasting valuable time, even if he agreed that it wouldn’t be right to leave without him.
In the end, Lauge came in and practically dragged them out of the city despite their protests. He managed to reunite the rest of the squad at the border of Sanguine. Despite the risks, he wanted to see them off since it’ll probably be the last time he’ll ever see them face to face. Of course, the Linnea Squad was reluctant to leave when one of them’s missing, but Lauge told them that there was no turning back. If they refuse, their days will be numbered - no exaggeration, this is what happens when you live in a war zone.
Linnea had no choice but to do as he said, though she made him promise to do whatever he can to find Altti and help him out in any way he can. She says Lauge always keeps his word, which is why he’s the only family member she can trust at this point. A lot of people went missing and are presumed dead, so there’s a high chance that Altti is one of them, as much as she hates to admit it. Even so, he and all the other victims deserved better than to just be some “unfortunate casualty”, a term the army likes to throw around that Linnea’s grown to despise.
So there is finally a bit of hopeful intel coming from Lauge that suggests Altti survived the riots. He had heard some rumors here and there, but it wasn’t until recently when he came across concrete evidence that finally settled that matter. It’s still not much to go on since Altti’s current status remains unknown, but at least they now know that he escaped the riots and retreated south. Lauge plans to search the areas where he might have gone and hopefully uncover more information.
While the squad remains realistic, they really hope that they’ll be able to reunite with Altti. It’s bad enough having Jet and Gabe walk out on them - and that whole thing is just a mess. All Florina can say is that it’s for the best if they keep out of each other’s way, though they can’t keep that up forever. They agree that Jet means well, but he often fails to consider the bigger picture, which they fear will lead to his downfall. It’s still a bit of a sensitive subject for Linnea, but sooner or later, she and Jet will have to face each other and work things out.
The classes have provided a welcome distraction for the Linnea Squad - good thing there were enough open spots to squeeze them in. Nash isn’t certain, but he’s pretty sure he’s seen night sorrel in his hometown, or maybe it was moon sorrel, which looks similar. Meiying and the instructors don’t think he’s mistaken since both flowers have distinctive colors - shades of blue and purple, kinda like a galaxy. Yeah, that’s something that would leave an impression. Even though Nash’s hometown is in ruins and likely occupied by the Sanguine Watchdogs, it’s likely that there might be some night or moon sorrel growing in the ruins, so it’s worth looking into. Looks like getting into the class was meant to be.
Then there’s lavender lotuses, which are native to the Misty Range Woodlands. So far, there’s no known sightings of them outside of the planet. They have many uses - potions, perfumes, vitamin supplements, kombucha, and soups. Along with being a good source of vitamin C, they also help relieve stomachaches and reduce anxiety. While lavender lotus products are relatively common in these parts, they’re pretty much unknown outside of the Arrowroot Orbit - meaning, places like planet Earth. So they’re using this course to introduce the outside world to this otherworldly flower that’s basically their version of a dandelion.
Even though there’s a lot to learn about night sorrel and lavender lotuses, I don’t feel that overwhelmed. I mean, it’s a lot of information, though the hands-on stuff and Meiying’s interlude kept things engaging while also breaking up the monotony of just sitting through a bunch of lectures and video modules.
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Sunday 7:
1. Had a job interview with a company I'd really like to work for but I'm not optimistic. But I did get to wear a tie, so that was nice...
2. Thank you Amazon for helping me confuse my Dunning-Kruger effect neighbour once again. He's only sure of the 2 AR-15s he keeps by his door, the one in the garage, and the paranoia-induced security system that ate lots of cash... oh, and he's sure that the FedEx guy should go back to Tacoma(the FedEx guy is African-American). Charming, right?
3. Oh and if you really want to start a war with your neighbours without firing a shot, lower the deck on your lawnmower for a tighter cut on your shared front lawn. I mean, nothing says passive-aggressive middle aged white guy like that!
4. One nice thing about May, in the northern climates: soft butter season has returned! (If you know, you know!)
5. I have 2 gigs booked so far this summer, which is nice. And some dental work done locally, because I can't afford the trip down to have it done right elsewhere but I can charge a new bandage crown for the one that outlived its life expectations by a lot. Capitalism is great, isn't it?
6. To be honest, I'm not doing very well upstairs. Same shit: I feel miserable, added anxiety about money, and no relief in sight. Toss in really bad body dysmorphia, and I'm a fucking delight, for sure.
7. Seriously though: it's really awesome to see yall doing amazing things, glimmering like beautiful diamonds in a muddy river. It's inspiring to see those things, to see the love shining through. Thank you for them, and much love yall!
Just keep me where the light is...
#me#this is my life#dadlife#exhausted#washington state#but seriously#my stomach is killing me#and i dont even know anymore#thanks for listening#body dysmorphia
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