#its just 5 am and i was meant to go to bed at like 11

[mashmouths]

skipping class but staying on campus to do work for. another class. bc i said i'd have it done before friday bc i'm scared of telling profs no so now i have to read all of robinson crusoe this weekend and watch the nbc pilot of the crusoe series on top of finishing the 2 late essays bc i deluded myself into believing i have a chance of finishing this annotated bibliography in 2 hours. without half the books i'm citing. tee hee <3

[schlattslonghairytoes]

pictures and pizza📸 🌃 🌹

personal assistant reader x boss schlatt

schlatt forgets something important. again. how will he make it up to you?

working for schlatt was easy

getting every thing done meant you guys could kinda just hang out

you two were getting along great, you were basically friends, except you cooked for him, cleaned, and kept his schedule moving

and you were beginning to love it

but not everything can be perfect

there was one thing about schlatt that was very hard to deal with

schlatt is really fucking stubborn and no diss, a bit lazy

like omfg it was getting old

if he didnt want to do something, or better yet, didnt want to get out of bed!

there was no use, you had no chance of convincing him

but that is your job, and you were damn good at it

it was 10am, as that was the set time you and schlatt decided work began. he had gifted you a key to his apartment after one morning, where you had to call his little sister to let you in, you thought schlatt was dead.

he just fell asleep with headphones on.

anywho, you let yourself in and tidyed up the living room, because the night before schlatt promised you he would be up and ready at 10, he had an extremely important meeting at 11 that was kinda far.

like he could not miss this.

so you trusted him, you also hated barging into his room, it felt like a total invasion of privacy to you, schlatt didnt care when you did it, but to you it was the end of the world

so you waited.

and waited

until you knew he would not make it on time if he wasnt up.

so you mustered up all your courage and knocked on his door.

... silence

by then you gave up and opened the door, and oh lord if you werent mad at him it wouldve been the cutest thing youve ever seen

he was spread across his bed, limbs and blankets everywhere, and jambo and garlic bread (i am not writing REACTED every time.) were cuddled up on top of him. jambo curled up in his left arm, and garlic bread sprawled across his right leg

for a moment you forgot you were mad at him, he looked so handsome, yet so adorable, his mouth was open, and he was snoring softly, and honestly drooling a bit

you pulled out your phone and took a picture, wanting to make it your lockscreen but too scared he would see it. you hearted the picture in your camera roll before opening youtube

you connected your phone to his speaker in the room, and searched "morning bugle call" and hit play on full volume

jambo and garlic bread went flying off of schlatt as he sat up and slapped his hands over his ears "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT" you were wheezing on the floor at that point

when you finally stopped laughing you locked in and turned of the sound, then frowned slightly at him "up and at it, we were supposed to leave 30 minutes ago, you have 5 minutes to get ready. your outfit is picked and hung in the closet, lets go." and you shut his door and sat waiting on the couch

he was out in 4 minutes and 26 seconds. you handed him the breakfast you got him and made your way out the door silently.

"toots, im so sorry, i know i said i would wake up, i swear i set an alarm, c'mon dont be mad at me doll. i promise it wont happen again." he followed hot on your tail, almost chasing you.

like if someone saw they might be worried your about to be abducted.

you sighed and got in the drivers seat of your car, you wanted him to eat so you decided he could be the passenger princess for once

"schlatt this is the third time this week, im not mad, like this is literally my job, but it throws the whole day off, its whatever, eat your breakfast so you dont pass out at the meeting." the meeting was in new jersey and you didnt want to hear schlatts bitching the whole way

you turned up the music and hoped he would be quiet

schlatt on the other hand was rethinking his entire being

how could he let you down again, all he wants is for you to love and want your job, and hes already jepordizing that. for the span of the 30 minute car ride he hatched a plan.

after his four hour meeting he was drained, he waited to see your car pull up and get him, but you were taking an abnormally long time, he was getting worried

but those fears subsided quickly when he recived a text from you

"im gonna kms johnny. why the fuck did you have to have a meeting in new fucking jersey. traffic is insane, be there in 30 minutes pls dont die to a homeless man."

that certainly made him feel better, he searched for a near by store or cafe, but when he found a flower shop he knew that it was redemption time

you on the other hand wanted to throw yourself off of a freeway.

the traffic leaving the city to new jersey was insane, why on a thursday at 430 was traffic slower than joe biden falling off a bike? dont have the answer to that one

but this drive gave you time to think, it wasnt schlatts fault he had trouble waking up, and when traffic got so bad you could literally park, you went on amazon and bought him an alarm clock

one that will for sure wake him up, problem solved. now you could relax. night changes played on aux (rip liam 🥲) and you could think about the man you were ten minutes away from picking up

you opened your phone to see the picture from this morning, you decided so what if he sees, this picture ment the world to you, even though schlatt had been in your life for nearing a month, you knew he'd somehow be apart of it forever

schlatt stood outside of a coffee shop you told him to wait at, holding stuff that could possibly help fix his mistake.

when your car pulled up he started to get nervous, what if he got the wrong flowers, or they didnt make your coffee right, but those doubts melted away when your car came to a hault

you watched him open his door and hand you a large bouquet of flowers and a cold brew. overwhelmed at first you didnt realise what you were holding. you placed the cup into your cup holder and looked at the flowers infront of you

it was made up of roses, lilys, sweetpeas, carnations, alstroemerias, daphnes at the bottom you think?, ruscus, dusty millers, and eucalyptus.

you didnt even know this many pretty flowers existed, after placing the boquet on your lap, you reached over and threw your arms around schlatt

"johnny what is this!" you exclaim, voice muffled my his neck, suprised he wraps his arms around your waist and holds you close

"thought you deserved a gift after i fucked up this morning" he sighs, whichmakes you pull away, but you place a hand on his cheek, slightly scratching his beard with your nails

"oh jay, i wasnt even really mad, this is the nicest thing anyones every done for me" you look at him in awe as he leans into your touch.

"yeah but i feel bad, m' gonna make it up to you, tonight your comin' over, were gonna watch 10 things i hate about you, play mario kart, and order pizza, dont ever let me break your trust again, sound good toots?" his smirk cut right through your heart

oh he looked so kissable right now

that night was spent cuddled up on his couch, playing wii games, forcing schlatt to watch rom coms, and stuffing your faces with pizza

he made you feel like you were in a rom com

that was only just beginning

[rosainta]

Team Fortress 2: 12 Flash Fiction Excerpts

('ms pauling' by makani on DeviantArt: https://www.deviantart.com/makani/art/ms-pauling-208768568)

(Author's Notes (A/N) at the end. For now, enjoy these slices of TF2 writing cake, baked with the batter of my mind!) * * *

1 "The Runner's a Fool."

[Written 10-3-2024]

Scout’s heart was bursting as he ran through the underbrush.

He didn’t look back; he couldn’t. Not after what he saw. If he had known sooner, he might not have spent so much energy trying to woo her...

Maybe he wouldn’t have made such a fool of himself.

2 "Player of The Heart."

[Written 10-3-2024]

“Fine, one more time”, he grumbled.

Pauling gleamed as she turned to the tape player. Changing the song to something more romantic, she hummed along and placed herself into his arms. They began to sway with the music.

Sniper felt his heart racing, but his thoughts raced quicker.

He wondered: would the one he really loved be into this too?

3 "Long Overdue."

[Written 10-3-2024]

Spy knew what he had to do.

He sat down next to the crying boy, gently putting a hand on his back. “Screw off!” the younger yelled, pushing him away.

Seeing him like this broke him; it did every time. But he took a deep breath and said what he should have all those years ago:

“I am sorry, Scout.”

4 "What Happens if You Feed the Machine? (Or In This Case, Water It?)"

[Written 10-3-2024]

“Yer no fun, lad!”

“Come on now, you know how I’ve been goin’ dry...”

“What’s one bottle a’ scrumpy goin’ to do to you?”

“Well, let’s see here. How many eyeballs o’ yours do my teleporters teleport per use?”

“Er, one.”

“Well, expect that to be one less the next time ‘round, pardner.”

He chuckled, and in an instant, he gulped it all down.

5 "Soldier's Solace."

[Written 11-3-2024]

Soldier stared at the grand moon from the roof of the base.

After the day’s fighting and bread teleporting, the other mercenaries were off to bed. But Soldier remained, smiling contentedly from under his helmet without another care in the world.

Somehow, he knew that right then and for as long as he dreamed, everything would be alright.

6 "Буквы говорят о любви."

[Written 12-3-2024]

If Heavy learned one thing in all his years of studying Russian literature, it was that writing wasn’t something you did; it was something you became.

So, picking up the ink pen, he let his hand go and embodied with all he had what meant most to him.

“It is time I tell you, Doktor.”

7 "Like The Warmth of a Fireplace."

[Written 13-3-2024]

Pyro looked at Engineer as a child does a Mall Santa, clapping. “Huddah, huddah!”

“Okay, one more, just for you.”

The technician took a deep breath and began to strum on the old guitar, his low voice singing a song of pink skies. Pyro swayed to the beat in bliss.

And, with every hum, the two grew closer.

8 "A Smile Means A Million Words, That Is Until You Speak."

[Written 14-3-2024]

Scout liked sketching.

While words weren’t his forte, art allowed him to express what he felt but could never say. He licked his lips, furrowed his eyebrows, and furiously scratched at the page with a pencil. Every detail, every form-- they had to be perfect.

When he was done, he proudly smiled at his creation.

And it smiled back.

BONUS!

As he admired his creation, he didn’t notice Sniper approaching him.

“And just what are you scribblin' off today, mate?”

Scout snapped around, flustered. He wasn't expecting company, and especially not from him.

“A-ah, hey, Snipes!", he blurted out. "It's nothing, really. Just another drawing of Spy screwin’ those... stupid French bread swords, whatever ya' call 'em.”

As he stammered an excuse, his face slowly turning red, he didn’t realize that his creation's rough, sketched face-- a picture of the marksman himself!-- was peaking through the corner of the sketchbook in the crook of his arm. Sniper paused for a moment as he stared at the work in awe, its own happily gazing back at him. Then, snapping out of his trance, he wordlessly turned back to smile at the younger man.

“You’ve got some talent, kid," he said, softly. "Please, don’t waste it.”

Then, quick as he came, he ambled away.

Scout was left standing, bewildered, and admittedly a bit confused, and he slowly turned back to look back at his drawing.

He traced the rough face of the man, looking wistfully with a tinge of giddiness in his eyes.

“If only you knew...", he whispered to himself without thinking. "Maybe then I could draw you like one of my French girls.”

Then, upon realizing the stupidity of his own remark (and of its disgusting, Spy-related... Frenchness), he immediately gagged.

“Ew, crap, no!”

Somewhere in the distance, Spy instinctively rolled his eyes.

9 "I Feel Olive!"

[Written 15-3-2024]

Medic pinched his nose, a low groan rumbling from him.

"What is wrong, Doktor? You seem stressed", Heavy asked, concernedly lifting his nose from his book.

Medic turned to him, tired eyes smiling weakly. "Ah, it iz nothing. Just... ze dull, useless legal documents. You know, as per usual."

"Well, if it makes Medic feel any better, Heavy ran out of olive for sandvich, so eating it was practically useless! I could not even digest it without big frown", he said, frowning in turn.

He grumbled, continuing, "What Heavy means to say is... you are not alone in your troubles."

Medic paused for a bit, before laughing and grinning back at the giant. He was grateful for this goofy big old man.

"Oh, you alvays know what to say, Heavy. Come on, let us escape this prison of an office and find you that olive. I am getting quite hungry and ze papers can wait, after all!"

10 "Off-Target."

[Written 29-3-2024]

Scout's mind just. couldn't. think.

His head was jumbled, a puzzle with the pieces too lost in the messy maze of his brain ever to solve. He wished he could crack open his skull like he did the BLUs on the field; maybe that would knock some sense into him.

He really needed to focus. Sniper always did.

So, why couldn't he?

11 "Our Paths Shall Cross Again."

[Written 4-4-2024]

It pained him to see her like this.

So, for the first time in his life, he put his pride aside and took one last glance at the sleeping lady before leaving the room.

Scout wished he could stay all night and marvel at her familiar, sheer beauty, even as she slept so frail. But he knew what she needed most was not him, but help.

Who knew what she went through those 2 years?

He resigned himself to the couch, closing his eyes. His affections for Miss Pauling would have to wait, as they always did, but he was fine with that.

She was safe, and that’s what mattered most to him.

12 "Guess Who's Up For Surgery?"

[Written 6-4-2024]

Medic was practically laughing with joy! Or, in his peculiar case, cackling maniacally.

Ah, it was of no matter— the doctor was filled to the brim with inspiration! So many projects to start and bodies to stitch; oh, what a wonderful feeling!

Heavy smiled as he watched the doctor go about his merry way.

Sure, when he was in this mood, that likely meant imminent danger for all those around him (they’d be his newest experiment, no doubt), but seeing him happy always made Heavy’s heart feel a little lighter.

So, as the doctor bounced up to him with his newest rambling, he didn’t protest!

* * *

Author's Notes: Over the past weeks, I've been working on being more spontaneous in my writing—no planning, just writing with the flow! And what better way to do that than to write flash fiction about my favourite fandom? (Plus, I have been practically absent here (post-wise) for, what, months? So why not use this as an excuse to share them with you? Ehehe... Okay, let's forget I said anything; moving on!) Flash fiction, with its creative liberties and curt nature, is an excellent medium (not forgetting to mention the fact it's a disgracefully UNDERRATED form of media!) that inspires me to write because it sort of... brutally invalidates any excuse of author's block I have... since it is literally spilling the words from your conscience into text WITHOUT the worry of length (ah! My greatest enemies...). Plus, it is... sort of, maybe, kinda addicting because it's just so freakishly simple, and the more you do it, the more productive you'll be and feel! Isn't that wonderful? (It could even be a drug! Er, well, a good one... wait, is there even a thing as a good drug? Ah- nevermind.) Anyway, if you're struggling with author's block, I'd heavily recommend trying it. Of course, it may not work for everyone (and I am not here to legally endorse this like a paid sponsor!) but it's still worth a shot if you haven't yet already. And hey, if it doesn't, you can feel free to blame me for the waste of time! Don't worry, I won't mind. Before we go on, I have to take this moment now to thank the one sweet old woman (whom I've unfortunately forgotten the name of) who first taught me about it a few years back during a summer writing course. She taught me much about what I know and love today, so I owe this and much of my writing happiness and technique to her! Thank you, lady. May you continue to write on!! Anyhow, to give you more context, these are all excerpts taken from a private account (but not a secret one! It's out there... somewhere...) of mine, edited for quality purposes and also because a few of the original excerpts bugged me due to their... well, innate cringiness. Hopefully, there's less of it now, but I wouldn't count on my eradicating it as it seems that cringe is just a part of my habitual writing style (I am sorry to disappoint, unnamed woman from the course... I have failed you). I hope that at least is is bearable enough for you to read. However, if not, I offer you my greatest condolences. If you'd like some bleach for your eyes, I have that too. You can also tell by the number of Speeding Bullet and Red Oktoberfest excerpts that I was... in quite the shipping mood for some of them. So, if that doesn't bug you, feel free to indulge yourselves in these characters as I obsessively have over the course of writing these!! It would be my pleasure to offer that liberty to you (and perhaps, shamelessly to myself as well, ahaha..), so please, go ahead. Anyway, that's all of the random blurbs I have to ramble on about today. Thank you for reading- or skimming, at the very least- and please have a marvellous day, pally~!

~ Rosain Quivan

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 14

chapter 25:

1. james accepting his own death will forever and always be heartbreaking

2. “Though, honestly, James had meant it when he said that he wishes it had been Regulus. Maybe it's a strange, pyschosexual thing, but he feels like he's sort of been flirting with Regulus and his daggers this entire time, so to be stabbed by him would surely have been more satisfying. Regulus would have made sure James felt it, adrenaline or not. He isn't sure why that's so attractive to him, but it really is. Maybe James is in shock. Maybe James actually does have a knife kink. Maybe James is just in love, and he wants anything he can get from Regulus, even if it's literal death.”

ik this is a big chunk of quote, but like what. james. james. james my boy. these are wild thoughts to have. also, you definitely have a knife kink, but only for regulus. not on anyone else. james. you. dear, wtf (i love you) 😀 sir.

3. god, james is so earnest on his death bed. i am also, fyi dramatically sobbing

4. shit shit shit shit no. SIRIUS!!! SOMEONE!! HELP SIRIUS! HES LOSING HIS BEST FRIEND AND HE IS NOT OKAY

5. zar is correct. it is sock-sock-shoe-shoe. that is the correct way.

6. 😀😧 regulus is troy. not the trojan horse, but instead troy. i-

7. “James is dying, and Regulus hates him. James is dying, and Regulus loves him. James is dying, and Regulus hates and loves him, because they were always one and the same.”

stop no, this is actually cruel. this is heartless. i don’t know how someone with a good conscious or loving heart could write this

8. god no shit no. i finally stopped sobbing. then there was the line about james asking reg to go to dinner with his parents because effie and monty are used to feeding two kids. i- shit. shit. no

9. HE’S TELLING REG TO TAKE BACK THE HAT??? NO THIS IS CRUEL

10. i actually want to quote this entire chapter, but i cannot do that. so therefore i would like to offer up my tears. and reg deciding there’s no point in going home if james potter wasn’t with him, because james potter was his home

11. 😐 he threw food away, but kept the handcuffs? reg dear, wtf

12. REG IS GONNA SACRIFICE HIMSELF TO LET JAMES GO HOME?? HELL NAW

13. HE CALLED JAMES BABY??? AGAIN??? (fwi i have voice recorded and sent sobbing over this fic to my irl marauders friend. hi iko!!)

14. 😟😟 oh god damn. he actually went in the crimson river. wait shit. how the hell is he gonna survive this?

15. “In his panic, in his haze of pain, it's Sirius he instinctively calls for.” 😀😀 just rip out my heart, it would be less painful

16. THE VENOM!! THE THREAT TO KILL HIMSELF IF HE DOESN’T GET REGULUS BACK!! THIS IS LITERATURE AT ITS FINEST

17. regulus is just tossed out the fucking river. they both survive. lmao this is kinda funny

18. not the symbol of the hallows being the deathly hallows. yikes.

19. i’m kinda disappointed that slughorn gets a POV cause like, that POV needs to be given to one of my faves, so they can be guaranteed to live.

20. dorcas my beloved. she’s such a bad bitch

21. okay wait, i might actually grow to like slughorn as a character. he’s being brought to the phoenix. so like, maybe he’ll be super helpful

22. LMAOOO DORCAS MY QUEEN!! “”How does it feel gamemaker? … Are you entertained?”” AHHHHHHHHH

23. unnamed woman: my guess is mcgonagal

24. after reading the authors notes, i realize we have been blessed. zar decided that reg would not die in the arena. and thank fucking god. thank god. i would not be okay if i read ahb then this. yikes

[captaingondolin]

Get to know me tag game!

tagged by @corelliaxdreaming

I am constitutionally incapable of being brief ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

1. Do you make your bed?

Usually not. Sometimes I think it will magically make me feel better about life. Or help me not fall back into it (spoiler: it doesn't work)

2. Favorite number?

Even numbers. 5 and its multiples are on thin ice.

3. What’s your job?

Used to be librarian, currently an archeology student (shout out to my mother for the help, to my depression funk that meant I spent next to nothing during my last two years at work, and to the fact that I moved to a place where normal humans don't need faustian deals to afford higher education)

4. If you could go back to school would you?

See above. I am also an anxious mess who cannot do deadlines, so the dream would be just attending lectures forever without doing exams/essays (which I think in my home country you could technically legally do, since unis are public, you only pay if you enroll. but it might be outdated info)

5. Can you parallel park?

No license yet (and I'm An Old). Don't judge, I used to live in London, and currently I'm in a weird spot with figuring out where I'm living long term.

6. Do you think aliens are real?

Same as what Katie said, not sure about humanoid aliens, but the universe is vast and there must be life somewhere else.

7. Can you drive a manual car?

See above. But I live in Europe, most people use manual, so that's what I'll learn.

8. What’s your guilty pleasure?

Guilt was invented by the catholic church to sell more confessions.

9. Tattoos?

I have a whole list. I promised the very first to my child self (it will be Alexander the Great themed). But.

There's an ongoing thing with my mother - I know she has no say over my body and it's not my responsibility if she chooses to take my decisions as a personal attack. However, she's one of the best people I know about literally everything else (not just because we are related, mind you, I can and have told family to fuck right out of my life), so for a long time I hemmed and hawed about it, because I wasn't sure it was worth risking a fight. Recently I got a nose ring and she has kept her mouth blessedly shut about it, so yay for progress (again, I am An Old, but mediterranean mothers are just Like That. In her defence, she outright told me she is making an effort to treat me as an adult and a peer and I can see her really working on it).

10. Favorite color?

the colour of the sky

Orange. I'd pull off the pilot flightsuit. And pink, I adore all shades of pink!

11. Favorite type of music?

Currently in a months long standoff with my brain, who thinks music is evil and out to get him (because we're not having feelings right now) but I can occasionally spoon feed him Hazbin Hotel. ♫⋆ CAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE POISON, YOU'RE FEEDING ME POOOISOOOON, ADDICTED TO THIS FEEEEELIIIIIN' ♪ ₊˚♬

...sorry.

If things are good, literally everything, but I love musicals (Legally Blonde got me through uni last time), metal (D'Artagnan is the latest band I discovered) and everything in the folk, folk metal, country, sea shanties, pirate metal kind of rhythm, and classical music (Verdi can so get it. and Mozart, baby Gondolin's first crush). Oh, and tango and early 2000 pop. Hardstyle if I'm in a writing fugue. I used to only dislike slow ballads and acoustic remakes, but I was recently personally attacked by Avril Lavigne with the Bite Me acoustic. And tbh I listen to Hozier, I should have known.

Shoutout to Inti-Illimani, I am contractually obligated to tell people about chilean protest songs-andean folk legends, listen to them.

12. Do you like puzzles?

Nope.

13. Any phobia?

Mice. Most houses I lived in while in London had mice, and seeing glimpses of tail and little feet scuttling about in places like the fucking kitchen counter really did me in. I recently saw the tiniest, objectively cute, mouse outside (at an archaeological dig, we'd disturbed him and not the other way around) and my heartbeat still got fucked. Meanwhile, I was chill with the HUGE centipede, the snake that slithered right past me, the geko, the turtles, spiders and all other wildlife, or even huge city cockroaches.

Maybe my phobia is shitty British houses, actually. Your walls and celings are not supposed to have holes, you know?

14. Favorite childhood sport?

Quitting. I wasn't into sports enough for me to want to go on and I couldn't give a rat's ass about competing. But I loved ice skating and judo. Skiing too (I grew up in the mountains, I know for a lot of people skiing is the epitome of luxury xD but I could have probably walked to a slope. Okay, maybe not walked, but.)

15. Do you talk to your self?

All the time, and my grandma used to be the same.

I used to give myself interviews when I was a kid, imagining myself as a famous author or filmmaker. Now sometimes I pretend I'm talking to my therapist. Or just straight up talk through things out loud, so it's easier to follow a single train of thought without thinking a billion things at once. Or I give myself little pep talks or go "godddamit, self" and I talk to objects a lot.

16. What movies do you adore?

The Lord of the Rings. All the Star Warses. Even the ones I don't love are fun. Rogue One is top tier but I need to be hydrated for how much I'll cry.

More recently the duology Les Trois Mousquetaires : D'Artagnan part I and II. I can't quite figure out if it's for the movies themselves (and the soundtrack, the soundtrack absolutely slaps), because I'm horrendously thirsty for the cast (I would let trauma-ridden, unwashed, long-haired Vincent Cassel straight up give me syphilis. He's so fucking good as the alcoholic trashfire that is Athos) or if it's because I adore the book and Dumas is part of my genetic makeup at this point.

17. Coffee or tea?

Coffee (currently drinking the cold brew of dreams). I don't like black tea, but herbal teas/infusions are fantastic. I have a hibiscus, apple, mint and berries one from Lidl that is the stuff of dreams (excellent cold too, I brew it for longer with a pinch of green tea and honey, then add some lemon and it's the shit). On the more bougie side, I have the biggest hard on for jasmine tea. Most places sell you green tea with a vague hint of jasmine, but the good stuff that comes in little balls is unparalleled, it smells like the flowers. Also good both hot or cold (again, brewed for longer with some honey or sugar and then I love it with milk or milk substitutes).

18. First thing you wanted to be growing up

Archaeologist 💖 librarian, writer, film director, and briefly F1 pilot.

Since I never know who to tag, I'm doing the last 5 mutuals who liked/reblogged something, because why not. Feel free to ignore this! @obiwong @reena-jenkins @silvergryphon @tothestarwarsandback @themonopolyhat

[111raismess]

25/11 ⊹₊ ⋆

notes: didnt realize the 3 pics had white backgrounds.. i dont feel like changing them tho. i almost forgot to do this again!!

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 .

selfcare:

did my nighttime skincare since i woke up hella late today and i didnt have time to do it in the morning fufufu. atleast i did it!! proud that its becoming a habit!!

i ate kinda mid, i dont know, i didnt eat as much as i would have liked tho but its okay, theres always tomorrow.

didnt showered, lotioned OR drank water.. again. hehe.

also didnt exercise.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

daylife:

fell asleep around 4-5 am. again. it its also 3:40 as im just now writing this. damnit.

didnt cleaned my room, i made my bed tho.

went over to the store and i also went to school, pretty chill day, somewhat, kinda, youll see what im talking about later on.

didnt played the guitar today fufufu.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

emotionally/mentally:

normal, like yesterday, had motivation to go to school, it was a pretty nice day tho something one of my friends said that really dropped my mood, like really, the day was going so well until that stupid comment, i dont know if she meant it or not but still, what the fuck. i got so fucking angry so i took a nap. lol.

then i just watched videos on yt and just now i stopped playing killer chat, IM SO IN LOVE WITH RONIN DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT 'BAD' ENDING, IM IN LOVE WITH HOW IT WAS WRITING AAAH SOMEBODY SEDATE ME.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

wtv this is:

dont really feel like writing, but now its because im tired as hell and i just want to lay down and sleep, lol. somewhat good day, spent time with my friends at school even if then it turned to shit but whatever, its fine. made me rethink my friendships haha.. so funny. ALSO IM STILL OBSESSING OVER MOUTHWASHING, MY FYP IS COVERED IN EDITS AND COSPLAYS ITS BEEN SOO LONG SINCE I WAS IN A FANDOM LIKE THISSS!!

song of the day:

dun know, i just want to sleep, let me sleep, please.

[erocide]

11/21/2024

The end of the week comes so quickly... at least, the end of the work week. I couldn't quite believe it when I checked the time at work. Friday already...

It's soooo cold in my room. I got out my tablet again for the first time in months to be able to type this up properly, instead of just on my phone, and I feel like my fingers are going to freeze!! I'm so clumsy! But it's fine... it means I get really good sleep all cozy in my blankets. Case in point: I slept until FOUR again today. I didn't turn my alarm off and my body decided, that in the sweet, cave-like darkness of my room, that eleven hours was enough...

What happened today... I basically spent my entire 2 hours of peace before work getting ready. And being indecisive on what I wanted to do. I thought I had enough time to go get Mexican food, realized I didn't, started to get out leftovers to reheat, saw it was already 5pm, and just gave up and got ready for work. Nobody said time management was MY strong point.

Spent most of today spending time with my friends, tbh. Work was easy. Laughably easy. My coworkers sill aren't worth shit but. C'est la vie. It just means I'm answering the phone for less time if I'm doing more mail. I got to spend time with Dee for the last time in a while, and I wish we had done more, but I'm still happy with what I got. And it's a Thursday, so I watched Dandadan with Nico. Aira is getting on my last fucking nerve 💔 but I'm sure she's important somehow. She's cursed, afterall, if that cliffhanger meant anything.

I also actually played IDV again. Everybody cheered. I had a lot of fun esp since I got to play with a friend. I need to go back to just Having Fun instead of trying to win 24/7. Getting better is great but it sucks the fun out of it. *And* I spent some time with Rain and Nico watching the story event and I played a hunter match. Just for fun. I won by the skin of my teeth.

I procrastinated wayyy too much at home though. I need more self-discipline in actually fixing dinner and going to bed. But I picked out two candidate outfits to go to the movies (maybe) and mall (definitely) tomorrow. It'll only be 56F in the afternoon so I tried to pick warmly but its Hard when its summer for 9 months of the year.

I also stayed up later than I meant to, sitting with my aunt and watching TV with her. I wanted to leave basically as soon as she came out but I felt bad ditching her and stayed for twenty or thirty more minutes.

When I finally left to brush my teeth, Milk came and joined me and I was reminded so viscerally of when he was sick and dying and trapped in my bathroom for his wellbeing. I think the most frustrating part of being reminded is that he's super standoffish about being touched and I couldn't pick him up and hug him, I had to carefully wait, bent over with my hand out, for him to come to me.

There's some meaningful commentary about life in there somewhere, but I can't be assed to find it at 5 am. Its so late, trucks are driving past as people go to work. So this is goodnight. Sweet dreams.

[rebellum]

Ive had a bad day today (due to period and I think overexertion) after 2 good days where I did a couple hours each day of work (hence thr overexertion)(also i totally forgot how to spell that autocorrect saved the day idk if you guys would have gotten "over ex her sion") and so I'm having one of those moments where I'm just Fed Up. It feels like when there's a big snow storm in late March. Like, hey, this isn't rally unexpected, but come ON we are SO CLOSE cant this just be over yet?

And i worry that I'm actually lying to ppl somehow bc I feel like my boyfriend doesn't understand how sick I still am, even tho he definitely knows (and is the one to have to tell me "hey, picking a video game based on which is less likely to cause mass real life death from demons is a mental illness thought, just so you know") and so he definitely knows so I dont know why I feel like I'm lying. Maybe cause my friends don't know the details? But I think they know i have more than just anxiety and depression and trauma. At the psychiatrist office the other day I said i didn't have ptsd and we had a weird miscommunication where he thought I meant I dont have trauma. When obviously I do very much. And he had to be like "someone who wasn't traumatized wouldn't be crying in my office right now" (he said that much kinder than how I'm typing it) and I was so confused and then explained that I don't have nightmares about the trauma and he was like "yeah but you don't need nightmares to have ptsd" but then he immediately moved on , which was weird, like ok are you thinking I could have ptsd and don't know it?? But I dont think i do, it doesn't ruin my life like others, tho I'll admit the people I'm close to who have it have cptsd which has slightly different symptoms, I can see my fingers typing from the mirror that's near my bed and it confused and almost startled me for a quick second lol. Earlier today I experienced some heart palpitations like I haven't for a while, so I guess I have to keep an eye on that, it was bizarre because I was fine and just sitting there and suddenly it felt like my heart was a horse with 11 legs, I would have said a lesser number that would have made slightly more sense (i mean, 11 is too much, it wuldnt be able to go anywhere) but those were potentially numbers that didn't have their place in this post right now (tho I like using them some times, I have nothing against you guys)(sorry @ readers) but I mean my heart was beating so fast and so erratically and it was ODD like uh. Hi. Haven't had you get this bad in a while. It's fine though I'm fine, I have a beh nine heart murmur and tach ee cardia (or is it palpitations? Or both?) But turns out while my heart acts weird its still fine, like when someone puts on tap handles the wrong way. Did you guys know that's a thing? I don't mean like the cold tap says hot, I mean like its supposed to be a tap water runs when you move the handle towards you, but if you mess up it makes it so that to turn the tap on you turn the handle away from you, which can work if there's space, but when my brothers sink randomly exploded a few weeks ago (and started sending up a whole guys-er) my bro and parents went to fix it and put the taps on the wrong way, and it was against a wall so they had to go back to step like 5 of putting a sink together and redo it.

[keefwho]

July 18 - 2024 Thursday

11:08pm

5/10

This morning I made sure to clean with discipline like I've been wanting to do. I cleaned my toilet and most of the bathroom floor. Also re-loaded the mousetrap with bait because apparently they went in it without triggering it somehow. Or maybe bugs did. DS called me before breakfast which was a pleasant surprise. She had to take Boris to the vet and luckily he is okay, just needs a change of diet to see what happens. I didn't know what to make for breakfast and I've been doubting my cooking capability lately so I made tuna noodles.

I almost fell asleep at work today, I even ended a little early because I just couldn't keep going. I was so lethargic and un-engaged. Also in the afternoon I skipped out on some stuff because I didn't have the care for it.

Before lunch I laid on the floor on my blanket and tried to take a nap while listening to music. I played with Sporticus down there too but she kept farting.

I made lunch early, I tried making a stir fry situation out of low mien egg noodles, veggies, and chicken. I got fancy making a sauce but what came out was just a 5/10 meal. Better than last attempt though. I think next time I'm going to make it like how I do my stew but with less liquid and different vegetables.

The evening was pretty boring, I caught up on the boys and watched Twitch for a bit. I was mainly waiting to watch the season finale with DS which we did and then talked about it/looked at memes. I feel weird because I don't have too many opinions on it, I mostly just enjoyed the ride. When she tells me her opinions, I largely agree with them but couldn't have gotten there on my own. She has a good way of seeing and connecting events that I kind of lack. I moreso appraise the general vibe of something, making up my opinions as I go and erasing my logic for them. So in the end I know how I feel about something but have a very hard time explaining how.

I feel kinda lazy for not doing a whole bunch today and I blamed it on lacking sleep. Thats why I meant to get to bed on time tonight but am still going to slightly miss that mark. I want to add a statue of DV to my furry world tomorrow I think. There are 2 others I want to put in there too but he's first I think.

Tonight while I was outside, I saw the moon and felt a strong urge to finally capture it the way my eyes see it. The colors, scale, perspective, even down to the way my eyes produce godrays when I squint at it to see it clearly.

I've had some feelings today that I need to latch onto and start addressing finally. I see how easy it could be to fall into old habits and its a little scary. But I know if I put in the dedication, especially for the right reasons, I will do whats best.

[productiveandfree]

You Are Your Habits

Recently we went camping with my son’s cub scouts group, and one mom, I noticed, despite the really chilly weather, took a shower first thing in the morning and right before bed at night. We all commended her for it. The shocking part of it all was, even her sons took a shower as well.  

The rest of us decided early on that none of us would be taking showers during that entire camping trip. Granted it was only three days and two nights. 30 degrees at night and a mere 60 degrees during the day. So, it wasn’t really that bad. It was not like an entire trip, backpacking up the mountains for a week.  

So, why am I talking about camping and showers. Well, I wanted to discuss habits. This mom told me that ever since she was young, her mom instilled into her this habit, and it is so innate in her that could not function or start her day without first taking her shower. Her mom taught her this habit, her grandmother taught her mom, and now, she is did the same to her boys.  

"If habits are a part of who we are, then our habits become who we are. "

Does that make sense? Let’s break that down.  

My father has strict habits of his own. Which I admired. He was the first one in the office, and the last one who left. This was of course before his heart attack. After which, he had to slow down with his schedule a bit.  

I remember him having a huge whiteboard in his office to keep track of all sorts of things, clients, payables, collectibles, and his employees would be coming in to check things off and add things.  

I tried to work in his office one summer for extra allowance and he made sure I was never late, and always left the same time as him. I remember him doing his morning routine, having breakfast, always oatmeal, then getting his attaché case, then getting into the car, that was waiting for him.  

We’d arrive in the office, and everyone would greet him good morning and we’d go about business. At around 11:45 we would order lunch and at 12 noon, the lights would dim, so everyone would know its lunch time. At 5pm, his driver would pick up his attaché case, which meant it was time to go, and we’d leave for the day. Like clockwork. Every day.  

My dad was also a stickler for time. He doesn’t like being late. He was such an early bird. When he says that we need to leave at like 5:30, you better be down the stairs and running to the car by 5:25 or he’d be by the stairs calling your name. No threats or anything, he’ll just have that annoyed look on his face.  

Habits and routine were a big thing for him. It was a big part of him. I believe that his habits made him who he was and helped him be successful.  

My sister, Tet also has a schedule of her own. I’m not exactly sure of her schedule. We follow very different time tables, but there is no interrupting her when she is working. She is very disciplined in following that schedule and it is very admirable and impressive. 

She’s always been that disciplined. Even when she was a child, when she studied for school and exams, she had very good study habits that she never had to cram for tests. I never understood how she did it, but again, it made her remarkably successful in her endeavors.  

Remember she started ProductiveandFree on her own. Which sprouted from DrawntoDIY. She created a successful business by diligently researching and constantly creating content and templates that our clients need and what the market demands. When she got it off the ground, we were all so proud and impressed and still are. #girlboss. 

So again, if habits are a part of who we are, then our habits become who we are.  

Simply put, the things we do in our daily lives are what makes us who we are. If we spend time watching Netflix for hours, eating fast food, and making excuses instead of doing what needs to be done, where do you think you will be tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month? 

Then again, if you get up now, turn that tv off, throw that fast food, stop making excuses, start walking, eat something healthy, read a book, then where would you be tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month? 

Believe me, it is not easy. I know.  

I have my own set of bad habits and the list is long. Right now, I’m struggling with trying to get back to eating healthily and doing all that regularly. It is a constant struggle. One minute I’m on track, eating the right foods, no sweets, no carbs, then I see a smore and I have smores for like a month, and it all goes down the drain. Then I try to start over again, then I see my favorite chocolate bread, and there we go again.  

So, you are not alone. The thing is, do we let that define us? Do we stop from there? Do we stop and give up? NEVER. We keep trying. We keep going. We let our habits become our successes. Then everything else will follow from there.  

Point here is, we never give up. There will always be difficulties. We never let the ‘downs’ keep us down. We rise with every fall. We try again. We keep moving.

Words of wisdom:

Share in the comments below: Questions go here

[shushthisaintmytumbla]

Leaving This As A Reminder (11/7/23)

Hi Case. Been another few months since we've chatted and wow does my last post make me sad and shocked at how much can change in 5 months.

Lets quickly recap a friend update which is the shore unveiled some really disgusting truths about some of my friendships in this city. My "perfect" friend group i found was far from it and i dont even need to go into detail bc we are ok and we are healing.

I gravitated back to this channel because tomorrow i am about to reenter a healing phase and going to work on ending a relationship with D for the very forseeable future. While these past 10 or 11 months have brought us back together closer than ever, sometimes love doesn't conquer all. You two have tried your best (at least you have) to make something work, but in the end we've reached the last page of our story. He's not only become one of your closest ties in nyc, but he's taught you how to love, even when someone doesn't deserve it.

Over the past 10/11 months you went from convincing yourself that one meet up at a bar won't bother you and let him back in.. you just wanted to hear him out and get an ego boost that he still wanted you. You'd tell yourself its fine, I don't even like him anymore its just a hook up... but days and weeks and months went by and you fell right back into the trap, yet this time you had hope. Hope that there was a future, hope that maybe things this time were different. Hope that you finally cracked his code and could win the ultimate prize - being a girlfriend. But the second you hear that word leave his lips it felt...uncomfortable.

Maybe being in a relationship wasn't what you were searching for with him either - could it be that you finally just wanted him to want you? Because after months of actually experiencing the highs of being together (going to dinners, being invited to events, going out with his friends) you finally got a peek into a life together - but was it everything you wanted and more? Not really. There were still those anixous days of "is he going to text me today?", "why did he invite her to this event over me?", "why does he never ask me about myself", etc. etc. etc. There were also those tough conversations that led you to realize - Can this even go where I want it to go? D and you have very different ideas of where you are in 10 years. You want a family, you want to live near your family (CA), you love being adventurous and going outside and appreciating the little things. Of course im not saying he cant but he also prioritizes drinking, partying, staying out till 4am and in bed all day the next.. cmon case that isnt you.

While I can name many reasons why it wont work logistically I also want to remind you of how he treated you the past 3 years. He does the same thing OVER and OVER again. He leaves you uncomfortable for 24 hours and you have such crippling anxiety that it's all you can think about, you didn't eat for a day, you couldn't even focus on yourself/work. You can't even be honest with your parents because you think they'd think your a fool for being back together with this person who was only brought to their attention because of how much he hurt you that you were so depressed you had to just be honest.

If there is one thing I ask you to promise me is that please Casey you deserve so much more and there is someone out there who can give you so much more. D's patterns are never going to change - at least not for you. Because you are not meant to end up together. He served a beautiful story in your life that came with love, hurt, happiness, anxiety, and every emotion under the sun but it is time to pick yourself. I know the comfort he has provided you makes you feel so safe in a world where you don't always feel that way. But I am not only asking but begging you to choose yourself and walk away forever. There is the possibility that he comes back in 2 months time, but you need to not respond. PLEASE CASEY. I know one silly hi doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it's exactly what got us back to here. I know you love/loved him, but its time to give that love you can give to someone who gives you 10x more back.

I know losing people is so hard for you, but losing yourself is worse and that is what is going to happen if you return to this. Your friends have begged you to walk away and i know its easy to say "you don't know him" or "you dont get it" but thats exactly why im writing this today. I do get it. I lived it. and I know I need to walk away and close this chapter of my life. I'll always hold a place for D in my heart and I do think he is my first love, but its time to find a forever love (especially in yourself first).

I am sorry if this came across harsh, but I love you. I am so proud of you. You are ressilient and have dealt with much more challenging things in this life and im sure another great challenge is just around the corner, but i'll just leave you with this...

If it doesn't challenge you it won't change you.

xx.

Casey

[corvid-cerebrum]

That moment when you finally start crawling out of the weird depression/general zombie-fog state you’ve been in for the past three years and then suddenly you remember that that was your coping mechanism for your anxiety

[lemondropdancer]

Grounding Techniques

Mental Distraction Techniques

Pick a category of objects and try to think of as many objects as possible that fit within that category (e.g., types of dogs, cities, types of trees, crayon colors, sports)

Pick a letter and think of emotionally positive or neutral words that begin with that letter

Pick a color and look for things of that color. Notice differences in their exact shades

Say or think the alphabet backwards or alternate letters and numbers (A1, B2, C3, D4, etc)

Count backwards from 100 by 3s, 6s, or 7s or count up by prime numbers or perfect squares

Play "fizz-buzz" with yourself. Begin counting to 100 (or over!), but replace any number that contains the number 5 or is a multiple of 5 with the word "fizz" and any number that contains the number 7 or is a multiple of 7 with the word "buzz." For example, 1-15 would be "1, 2, 3, 4, fizz, 6, buzz, 8, 9, fizz, 11, 12, 13, buzz, fizz." When you mess up, compliment yourself and start over

Think of the words to your favorite song or poem or think of facts related to a specific theme

Pick a word or your name and see how many other words you can make from the letters in it

Describe an every day event or process in great detail, listing all of the steps in order and as thoroughly as possible (e.g., how to cook a meal, how to get from your house to your place of work or school, how to do your favorite dance)

Read something technical or meant for children or read words backwards to focus on the process of reading and not the words

Watch a children's television show or movie or watch cute or funny videos on Youtube; it might help to have a playlist already prepared for this

Look at a current news article that is not likely to be upsetting or distressing

Distract yourself with Tetris, Solitaire, Sudoku, word searches, or other puzzle games

Reorientation Techniques

Say or think to yourself: "My name is _________. I am safe right now. I am _____ years old. I am currently at _____________. The date is _____________. If I need help, I am with ________/can call _________. Everything is going to be alright."

List reaffirming statements ("I am fine. Everything is going to be okay. I am strong. I can handle this.")

Ask yourself where you are, what day of the week it is, what day of the month it is, what month it is, what year it is, what season it is, how old you are, and other present-focused questions

Notice things in your surroundings that indicate to you that you're safe or that you're in the present (e.g., locks on your door, electronics that didn't exist when you were younger, the presence of trusted people, a phone so that you can call for help if you need it)

Describe your surroundings in detail, including sights (objects, textures, shapes, colors), sounds, smells, and temperature

Name five things that you see, four that you feel, three that you hear, and two that you smell or taste, and then name one good thing that you like about yourself

Pick four or five brightly colored objects that are easily visible and move your focus between them. Be sure to vary the order of your gaze and concentrate briefly on each one before moving to the next

Think about a fun time that you recently had with a friend or call that friend and ask them to talk about it with you

Sensory-Based Grounding Techniques

Run cool or warm (but not too cold or hot) water over your hands or take a cool or warm bath or shower

Spritz your face (with eyes closed), neck, arms, and hands with a fine water mist

Spray yourself with your favorite perfume and focus on the scent

Feel the weight of your body in your chair or on the floor and the weight of your clothing on your skin

Touch and hold objects around you. Compare the feel, weight, temperature, textures, colors, and materials

Keep a small object with you to touch or play with when you get triggered. Good examples include a smooth stone, a fidget toy, jewelry, or a tiny plushy

Bite into a lemon, orange, or lime, suck on a sour or minty candy or an ice cube, chew cinnamon-flavored gum, or put a few drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue. Notice the flavor, scent, and texture

Eat something or drink warm tea, coffee, or hot chocolate, and describe to yourself the taste and texture in great detail

Place a cool wash cloth on your face or hold something cold like a can of soda

Listen to soothing or familiar music. If possible, dance to it

Hum, sing, recite poetry, or make up a silly poem or story as you go

Pick up a book and read the first paragraph out loud

Hug another person (if interpersonal touch isn't a trigger). Pay attention to your own pressure and the physical sensations of doing so

Hug a tree! Register the smells of being outside, the wind, and the sights around you

Movement-Based Grounding Techniques

Breathe deeply and slowly and count your breaths

Grab tightly onto your chair or press your feet against the ground as firmly as you can

Rub your palms and clap your hands or wiggle your toes within your socks. Pay attention to the physical sensation of doing so

Stretch out your arms or legs, roll your head on your neck, or clench and unclench your fists

Stomp your feet, walk around, run, jump, ride a bike, do jumping jacks, or do yoga

While walking, notice each footstep and say to yourself "right" and "left" to correspond with the foot currently moving

Squeeze a pillow, stuffed animal, or ball

If you have a soft pet (dog or cat), brush its fur and stroke it. If you don't, brush your own hair slowly and without pulling too much

Color in an adult coloring book, finger paint, or draw anything that comes to mind without worrying about quality

Write whatever comes to mind even if it's nonsense. Try not to write about whatever is upsetting you until you're more capable of doing so without increasing the upset

Write a list of things that make you happy or look for cheerful pictures to make into a collage

Pop bubble wrap or blow and pop actual bubbles

Dig in the dirt or garden, jump on a pile of leaves, or splash around in puddles or mud

Rip up paper or stomp on aluminum cans to crush them

Imagery Techniques

Picture yourself breathing in relaxation, calm, positive feelings, or strength. Picture yourself breathing out whatever is upsetting you. It may help to pair this with imagery of breathing in soothing colors (usually blue, purple, or green) and out more intense colors (usually red or black)

If you need to relax, envision a soothing white or golden light slowly moving up your body, warming and relaxing every part of you that it touches. You can also think of it as protecting you from negativity or from harm

If the problem is intense or uncomfortable emotions, physical sensations, or memories, picture them being surrounded and neutralized by a bright and healing light, temporarily placed in a mental box to be stored for later, or dialed back by an internal controller of intensity

If you have a clear mental picture of what's upsetting you, mentally change it to something silly or harmless. If you're a fan of Harry Potter, cast a mental "riddikulus" to banish the negativity

Picture yourself calm, focused, and able to tackle whatever problems you're facing. Focus on how that would feel in the moment. What would your expression and posture be like? Make whatever changes you need to in order to make your reality reflect your goal

How to Make a Grounding Box

Get a box or basket

Personalize and decorate it with construction paper, wrapping paper, ribbon, stickers, drawings, paint, photographs, glitter, sequins, or anything else that you like

Keep within it:

A list of grounding techniques that you know work for you

A list of positive affirmations and happy memories

A list of the contact information of trusted friends or family who are willing to help and support you

Small sensory objects such as: scented candles, perfumes, or lotions; hard candies or gum; soft fabrics, a stress ball, a stuffed animal, or a fidget toy; happy pictures of you with friends; a CD with relaxing music or meditation tracks. Try to cover all of the senses

A list of possible distractions such as books to read or movies to watch

Small portable distractions such as a pack of playing cards, a small game, or a joke book

A list of comforting things to do such as taking a bubble bath, snuggling up in bed, or meditating

A small journal or notebook

In the Case of a Flashback

Tell yourself that you are having a flashback and are safe now

Remind yourself that the worst is over, and you survived it. What you're feeling now is just a reminder of that trauma and does not fit the present moment

Remind yourself of when and where you are, who you're currently with, and who you can contact if you need help (use the reorientation-focused grounding techniques)

Breathe deeply and slowly. Count your breathes and make sure that you're getting enough air

Use other mental, sensory, movement, and imagery techniques in order to distract yourself, calm yourself, and reorient yourself within the present

If possible or necessary, go somewhere where you can be alone or with a close friend, where you will feel safe, or where you feel protected or shielded

If there is anyone who you can trust or who will support you, reach out to them, let them know what happened, and let them know what you need, what would be best for you, or what they could do to help

Be gentle with yourself and take the time to really recover. If what helps you to recover is to color, take a bubble bath, hug a stuffed animal, or watch a children's movie and if it would not be disruptive to do such things at that point in time, embrace those options whole-heartedly

If possible, note or write down what triggered the flashback, what techniques you tried to use to disrupt the flashback, and what techniques helped

[levisblackbabe]

Knb Boys as your Boyfriend

Characters: Aomine Daiki, Kuroko Tetsuya, Kise Ryota, Kagami Taiga, Midorima Shintaro, Akashi Seijūrō and Murasakibara Atsushi x blackfem!reader (separate)

Genre: Fluff, humour, angst if you squint

Warnings: Slightly suggestive, last game/season3 spoilers, kissing, motions of drinking (characters age between 17-22), use of language

Wc: 5k+ (400-900 words each characters)

a/n this was supposed to be posted sooo long ago but since I went on break its here now hope you enjoy

* Well for starters I would like to think Aomine is black like there is no way our dark-skinned bae isn’t somehow black but anyways

* You guys have known each other for a very long time considering he was your older brother’s basketball teammate and best friend

* You thought he would never actually like you because you are his best friend’s younger sister

* I mean he saw you through the ugly stage of puberty as an 11-year-old 🧍🏾‍♀️ (rip)

* And he never showed any type of feelings towards you just being overprotective like an older brother

* However, when you were 17 and your glow up came about things seemed to change

* You guys coincidentally ended up you going to the same college

* Him in a basketball partnership and you studying music

* And because of that you guys grew closer, him being someone you know that had an extra room in his apartment you guys ended up being flatmates to make things simpler for the both of you

* For 6 months nothing really changed other than your growing feelings towards Aomine though it seemed those feelings weren’t reciprocated

* So, in a way to drown your one-sided love you went to a party with the purpose to find someone to hook up with either to take you mind of Aomine or to make him jealous (guys guess who it was?)

* It was Kagami one of Aomine teammates and someone he has an ongoing rivalry with 😈

* So, as you and Kagami danced and partied all night long you invited him over to you place knowing Aomine would be home since he had a match in a week, and he never drank or partied days before a match

* As you entered your shared apartment with Kagami trying to be quiet but failing miserably you saw Aomine in the sofa scowling

* To say those 5 seconds of silence was awkward would be an understatement

* So Kagami being somewhat smart hastily kissed you goodnight and left ( he knew he was going to die, rip )

* As you stared at each other you took deep breathe ready to just say goodnight to Aomine since he just cockblocked you

* However, the unexpected happen he stood up and kissed you

* Cue open and closing you mouth like a fish

* You were so confused by everything you didn’t even realise what he said as he went to his room ‘You are mine so stop fucking around’

* When you went to bed and got ready for your nights rest all you could think of was his words

* As you woke you up the next morning with a massive hangover but with Aomine words in your head you thought things would have changed

* WRONG for the next 2 weeks nothing changed, and you were quickly running out of patience (I mean the audacity of this man)

* So, after the pre-lim matches this week ended you confronted him as he got home

‘Daiki, I gotta speak to you’ you said with in an angry tone

‘Y/n not now I am really tired maybe later’

‘No you have been blowing me off and ignoring the situation this whole time it’s not fair’ you said as your voice slightly increased

‘Fine what do you want to know’ he replied in an exasperated tone as he set his stuff down

‘First what the fuck is wrong with you scowling at who I was with, I never do that to you and secondly the fuck do you mean by I am yours ‘you ranted off

‘Well for starters I don’t go around sleeping around and I meant what I said so yes you are mine’

‘What do you mean yours?’

He stood up softly grabbed your chin and said to you ‘Now you are officially my gf’

* Cue once again mouth gaping open

* Anyways after that whole fiasco you guys officially started dating yayy

* Tbh your brother wasn’t big fan of this combo, but he got over it

* He is those types of bf that doesn’t show his love through words but actions

* Like he will be very possessive of you and always be touching you in some way

* So whenever he occasionally decides to go train after you legit have to blackmail him and he goes but forces you to go with him

* He wants you nearby to keep an eye on you

* Aomine doesn’t really get jealous so if someone flirts with you, he doesn’t really care however he is possessive and likes showing off how you are his

* Like deadass bought you a whole necklace with a basketball and his initials to show everyone who you belonged to???

* However, he also bought a bracelet that has your initials and something you really love e.g. (music note, books idk)

* Matching rings like the cute couple ones that fit into each other (Idk I see Aomine wearing lots of jewellery but low-key type not over the top)

* He also got ‘rid’ of his X-rated magazines (he just locked them away for the time being)

* I think Aomine would have a car but still walk the majority of the time however whenever he decides to drive, he be them sexy drivers (like hand on your thigh)

* Also, an angry driver like will cuss out other people happily but be sweet to you afterwards

* He didn’t want to introduce you to his basketball team not because he was ashamed of you but he knew he would get teased about getting himself in a committed relationship

* You and Momoi literally became besties and pretend to talk shit about him (he hates it)

* He is indifferent to your hair since it’s just a part of your life however when you get braids, he just stares at you like all the time

*Obviously, your family loves him since he is technically family (imagine your mum is already planning the wedding)

* However, if he ever broke your heart then he dead

* You are the only person he actually listens to

Overall goofy as hell but he really does love and can’t see him ever leaving you guys are like those Pinterest black couples

* You guys met when he went to visit Kagami in America

* You are one of Kagami’s American friends and you were always very interested in meeting the phantom six man

* You actually noticed him and somehow felt his presence

* Over the 2 weeks he was there you guys just really bonded

* Like you used to play basketball a bit with him so yeah

* You guys exchanged number and kept in touch even when he left

* He technically asked you out on ft after doing this whole surprise thing

* He asked Kagami to make sure you dressed really nicely for a dinner

* You didn’t want to at first, but you gave in

* Once you were all set up a in a beautiful balcony with dinner for one and a tablet on the front

* Then Kuroko called and he was equally dressed nicely

* The whole virtual date was really nice and cute something completely different

* Once you both finished your respective meals, and you were just chatting that’s when he popped the question

* He did stutter in the beginning but afterwards he got it out

* You didn’t immediately reply because you never thought he would have asked you

* Poor Kuroko thought you were rejecting him, so he quickly backtracked

* He ready to popped out ‘I am joking’ but you giddily replied ‘yes’

* Now you guys are officially together yayy

* Long distance relationship

* Face Timing a lot e.g. all the time especially falling asleep one or the other due to time difference

* You guys just spent a lot of time talking to one another or just being on the phone for presence (hah ironic)

* Send pics of random things during the day

* I want to say send gifts through the mail but that’s too much money for shipping so instead sending money for food especially from Kuroko

* I want to assume his love language is quality time with a dash of physical touch

* However due you being separated by the globe he shows his love by being on the phone to you as much as possible and constantly texting

* He loves your hair especially the diversity that comes with it

* If he could he would help you during wash day or anything really

* He also knows your routine by heart since you always do it during FaceTime

* Folder full of ft screenshots where you are distracted

* 6 months after you guys had been dating it was his birthday and you made a surprise by visiting Japan without him knowing

* Imagine his surprise when he opened the door at 8 in the morning to a smiling yn

* Didn’t know whether to hug or kiss you first

* Choose the former just because he didn’t want your guys first kiss be when he was half asleep

* You were staying for only 10 days and there was a lot you wanted to do

* On the first day you were pretty jet lagged so you both just slept and cuddled

* The second day was also pretty chilled you guys went around some landmarks where he lived and went parks and cinemas

* The day afterwards was his birthday, so you had the party and great fun and also met his friends

* You had a present for him a matching couple’s bracelet and also kissed him A bit cheesy but everyone was really happy about it

* To be honest your 10 days were great you a guys took that time to do as much as possible to do as much couple stuff as possible and were essentially stuck to each other

Overall your relationship is very strong considering the distance

* Ahhh Kise the model with multi talents

* Let’s just say you were also a ‘model’ and you guys had never been in a collab together

* You both were at international level, and you were pretty popular, so he knew of you

* Admired your work and found you very attractive

* Anyways you guys finally had a collab when he went to America for a new contract with vogue

* You can’t lie and say you didn’t find him attractive but the impression you got from his personality was annoying

* Let me tell you those 2 weeks where you guys were working together you wanted to kill him (enemies to lovers ya’ll)

* But you didn’t slightly warming up to him for the sake of the job

* He also was pretty good at English and your Japanese wasn’t half bad due to your anime watching (sub supremacy)

* At the end your collab Kise still kept in touch with you

* You guys spoke quite often you being his first American co-worker

* You essentially taught him as much as you could about America in general and helped him find the basketball hotspots so he could keep playing

* During one of your outings to show him where to play basketball where you were supporting him some paparazzi caught you and the media started posting saying you guys were dating

* It was a very messy process because fans were getting peeved about you guys dating

* However due to this rumour occurring when your guys photoshoot was posted there was high magazine sells so you guys were told to make more public appearances to boost sales a bit more but never actually confirmed you guys dating

* In the midst of you guys fake dating for the media and spending even more time together you actually started liking him

* You weren’t sure whether he liked you though since Kise was a naturally flirty person but no worries he was basically in love with you

* Once you confessed to him expecting rejection but getting the opposite you guys started dating

* You guys told your respective managers first who showed a flurry of emotions

* Sure, they were happy for you for being together, but they didn’t know how this would affect both of your careers

* So, for a little while you guys kept it secret from the public just telling family and close friends

* However, after one month of going unsuspected a fan caught you guys kissing and that picture went viral

* So, everyone knew you were dating

* Majority of fans were cool about it saying you guys suit each other and belong together

* But then the toxic fans especially Kise’s didn’t like this at all

* You got sent a few hate messages from them and some went as far to send death threats

* Tbh it was a scary ordeal, but Kise was very supportive and when you guy officially confirmed the rumours in Kise’s live he said thank you for the support but reprimanded those fans

* Kise being a model and you equally made things slightly harder than usual

* You guys were in the public eye so pda was kept minimal

* However, in the comfort of your own homes was something different

* Kise was literally stuck to you at home

* He is so clingy and always requires your physical touch

* You guys are a power couple though like other celebrities loved how confident you both were

* Kise was known for being multitalented and succeeding in the tasks he puts his mind to BUT when it comes to relationships now that’s a different story

* I mean he hasn’t been in a proper serious relationship ever except his occasional flings

* So due to his inexperience in real relationships Kise doesn’t know where the limitations are at

* He is low-key oblivious to his effect on other females (remind anyone of a certain cat boy)

* Other than his accidental flirtatious personality Kise is a great bf

* He truly loves all of you

* Your hair adores it always willing to help you styling it

* Lace wigs bought 75% of them

* Want your nails done will go with you and help you pick

* Meals together always happening which he happily pays for

* Though he much prefers when you cook for him because homemade meals always hit different

* Your family loves him too especially your younger sister who has a small crush on him

* He and your elder brother play basketball quite often

* Your mum happily cooks all type of food for him which he very much appreciates

Overall, he fits very well in your life

* You guys actually are actually childhood friends you, him and Tatsuya

* You used to cheer for the duo whenever they played

* You also played basketball with the two though you weren’t at god level like the two

* There is a bit of love triangle between the 3 of you but it wasn’t spoken about

* You were closer to Kagami and even had your first kiss with him, but it never really developed since he moved you guys lost contact

* Slightly heartbroken over it you actually started dating Himuro in an attempt to get over Kagami

* Didn’t work and Himuro knew what you were trying to do so he dumped you though you guys are in good terms

* Anyways when he came back from Japan

* Your love rekindled

* From then on you guys were official yayy

* Himuro was a bit salty about it, but you guys were besties and deserved each other

* Dating Kagami isn’t as different as your friendship with him other than the kissing

* Nothing really changed in your dynamic and you guys knew each other pretty well

* However, Kagami did change while in Japan

* He was even more obsessed with basketball

* Like if he wasn’t with you, he was practicing or sleeping

* Even though he spends 50% of his time involved in basketball Kagami loves spending time with you and being around you so you are with him the majority of the time practising together

* Kagami might be very knowledgeable and attentive for basketball but for you not soo much

* He doesn’t recognise obvious signs which is pretty annoying, but he tries

* However, this is not to say he doesn’t have you as a priority because he does but he is a bit slow

* His love language is probably quality time something he doesn’t have much of but words of affirmation being a big one

* Like he will say ‘I love you’ multiple times a day compliment you at all times

* Will spoil you with no concerns want a new lace wig, nails, food sends the money in

* Due to him being busy during the day at night he either spends time at your house doing absolutely nothing or facetiming you especially during away games to converse about your guys day

* Since he spends the day practising, he falls asleep mid convo sometimes whether on ft or in your sofa

* Sometimes you slap him awake or let him he depends on your mood

* He DOESN’T shut up about you to his friends they low-key feel like they are dating you with the details he goes into

* In summary even though he is very busy he tries to spend his free time with you

* A 7/10 bf

* You went to Shin’s school and hanged with him due to your long-term friendship with Takao

* You along with Takao just made fun of Shin however unlike Takao you didn’t let Shin boss you around

* He also only kept you around because you were either a Pisces or a Scorpio (to all the readers that are neither I am sorry, but these are the signs he is compatible with, and I am also a Pisces)

* Regardless of your sign though you guys are still friends

* He always admired you for your confidence, humour and basically all your traits

* You guys were also study buddies where you both helped each other

* You cling to him a lot which he shows annoyance for but in reality he is all gooey for you

* I guess overtime as you guys spent more time together without Takao your feelings blossomed

* A big factor being whenever he lost a game you always supported him

* He trusts you enough to teach you his 3 pointers but also try that trick he has with Takao

* Anyways one day after your study session Shin offered to walk you home since it was already getting dark

As you guys stopped by a bridge in a park near your house to see the sun set (golden hour☀️)

After 5 mins you turned to look at Shin only to find him already staring at you

Your cheeks warmed up due to his intense gaze and a foreign emotion his eyes displayed

You were going to say something about going home when he suddenly kissed you (about ooc but he couldn’t help himself)

It’s a brief kiss yet you could clearly feel how soft his lips were ,but as suddenly as he went to kiss you as suddenly, he pulled back. His cheeks were a rosy colour and he looked like he was holding himself back

* Once again as you were going speak to ask about the kiss Shin interrupted you saying briskly you guys should keep going

* To say those 5 minutes weren’t uncomfortable would be a lie

* You wanted to bring up the kiss but didn’t know how to

* Next thing you knew you both were in front of your house

* Once you guys made eye contact for the first time since the kiss Shin looked ready to say something however a ‘bye y/n’ was all you got

* The kiss wasn’t talked about for 5 days

* The tension between you both was visible to all your friends even Takao constantly asked what had happened but both of you kept a tight lid on it

* You finally decided to confront him on the Friday at the end of school

* Most nerve-racking thing ever since when you called him saying you needed to speak, he didn’t look pleased

* Anyways with your big girl trousers on you said to tell him what was on your mind. Venting to him how it’s unfair that he kissed you and ignored it. He didn’t really say anything for a good minute just looking unbothered. With that you let out an exasperated sign saying, ‘fine be like that I’ll just go’ and turned away ready to walk off. Though he stopped you by lightly grabbing your arm and saying 'y/n I am sorry'. With you back still turned on him you heard as he explained how he has liked you for a while and when he kissed you it was a spur of the moment and he thought you wouldn’t like him back. With that being said you turned back around to face him and then said ‘who told you I didn’t have feelings for you idiot’. Then you hugged him, as you hugged him back, he whispered to you ‘then would like to be my gf?’ (awww)

* Now you are dating yayy

* When Takao found out he was heartbroken because one Shin got a gf before him and second anytime you 3 hangout, he will be constantly third wheeling 🥲 but he was still happy for you both

* The rest of his friends were actually really surprised he got a gf since he is known for his resting bitch face

* Still even with his flaws Shin truly likes you

* I mean he isn’t the one to be saying his feeling outwardly, but he displays them

* One being how he likes spending time with you sometimes you guys don’t even do anything

* Another thing being buying things for your e.g. your daily lucky item

* Matching rings because why not

* Your parents approve of him since he is a good influence you know him being a grade A student and an athlete (a whole sporty nerd)

* Also, another one who is allowed to help you do your hair

* Pda kept to a minimal of hands touching that’s about it but in private that’s a different story

* Always hugging you in some form

* He loves how you run your fingers through his hair

* Allows you to tape up his fingers

* On contrary to belief, he actually isn’t a dry texter for you (idk y but I visually him sending cat memes)

* Watching and reading manga together so if you skip ahead without him, it’s a problem

Overall, even though to outsiders he might seem too indifferent to you he shows his real self

* You guys are childhood friends due to you being the daughter of the Akashi’s and kind of Sei’s caregiver

* You grew up together and were bestfriends

* You spent a lot of time with Akashi after school where he basically taught some extra stuff that he learned in cram school

* His father most definitely didn’t approve of the friendship, but he let it be since you were kids

* You guys went different schools and had different lives, yet you were the closest of friends

* You had a smidge of a crush on him but never really said anything

* When you were both 13 you were each other first kiss just to test

* With that incident not much actually changed between the two of you

* However, your friendship and how much you guys hang out dwindled since his father was pressuring him more and more

* During the events where his second personality appeared he actually completely ignored you and you guys didn’t speak for a whole 2-3 years

* However, once he was back to the Akashi of your childhood, he reached out to you explained and apologised for everything

* You clearly understood and didn’t hold it against him

* He didn’t want to be just friends but more, so he asked you out

* So, at the age of 17 you and Akashi Seijuro started dating

* You guys kept it secret because of his father so only yours and his close friends new

* It’s all good and bliss for 8 months until after a month of Akashi’s 18 birthday his dad found out and was forcing Akashi to break up with you

* However, Akashi wasn’t having it and threatened his dad saying he would disown himself and not take the company if tried to prevent you guys’ relationship again

* He begrudgingly stopped but was very much against your relationship

* When your mum found out you guys were dating, she was heartbroken you didn’t say it before, but she was very much happy for you both claiming that you both were ‘meant to be’

* Akashi is an attentive boyfriend

* He notices everything about you even the small things

* For example, your period is coming around he already knows and is preparing for it he has your favourites on standby and clearing his timetable to spend those days with you

* Always and I mean always pay for anything when you guys go out

* Even if you trick him into paying, he’ll transfer the money and extra to you (loves spoiling his empress)

* If you guys are out and your eyes linger on something for more than 10 seconds, it’s bought

* For your 2-year anniversary when you were 19, he bought you a silver with real diamond promise ring

* Matching bracelets

* He is slightly possessive (especially his second personality) bought you a necklace and anklet with his initials or name

* You guys have had arguments about him spending a lot of money on you, but he just gives you puppy eyes and says it because he loves you

* Akashi isn’t clingy but when you guys are out, he is always holding your hand, you are sitting in his lap or just some type of physical contact

* Tries to spend as much time together as possible so when you both need to study it’s together

* Even though compared to his friends basketball is a side hustle for him you still cheer for all his games

* You actually trust him to help you do your hair, so he is part of the wash day routine

* If your braid yourself, he helps with the ends and does it really well

* And once you guys move in together cooking together and overall domestic shit is the norm

Probably the most loving boyfriend

* Ahhh our 2m long sweet boi😍

* He is actually soo tall it’s a bit scary but anyways

* You guys met because you worked at your parents’ convenience store that sold American candy

* He was a regular mass buyer

* I mean once a week he bought 50$ worth of candy

* You thought he was rich but it’s just Akashi encouraging his sweet tooth

* So due to him appearing a lot you guys’ kind of just bonded and you guys became somewhat close friends

* You even started giving him some recommendations

* You guys exchanged numbers and slowly you started catching feelings for him

* He liked you a lot mostly because you seemed to be the provider of his addiction

* Though he didn’t really know he liked like you or more so ignored that fact

* So, when you confessed by offering him a box full of your favourite sweets, he was slightly dumbfounded

* You were staring at him expecting any type of acknowledgement all you got was ‘What y/n? ‘😐

* You being heartbroken, took your words back, offered him the box and left

* You didn’t speak to him for two weeks which left him quite confused

* Akashi saw that he was clearly down and asked him what was wrong

* He explained everything that happened two weeks ago, and Akashi made him understand what actually happened, after 30 minutes of not understanding he got it and then quickly texted you asking to meet up

* You are a bit reluctant to meet him, but you still went

* Tbh you were a bit dumbfounded when you saw in exactly same state you were last week, holding box of sweets looking distraught

* You didn’t want to prolong the process, so you just straight up asked him what he wanted

* He apologised for what happened last week, saying he didn’t understand what you meant and that only after he spoke to Akashi did, he understand

* He said he would really like it if you guys were speaking once again since he missed you and felt the same

* You didn’t really process what he said at the end so you were ready to say you guys should distance from each other for a while

* However once you actually realised what was said *cue mouth opening and closing*

* To be real you weren’t expecting that from him

* I mean all he cares about is bastketball and sweets

* Regardless you quickly said yes

* Now you both are happily dating

* Your parents were actually pretty excited to meet the boy that finishes their stock

* They were indifferent to him due to his nonchalant personality but otherwise okay with it

* Your brother loves playing basketball to him especially 1 on1 which he keeps losing at

* Muri’s nonchalantness is a double-edged sword (I shortened his name to muri because who has the patience to write his full name)

* You are mostly okay with it but in certain situations it’s annoying

* Like sometimes you don’t even know whether he genuinely likes you or just settles for you

* Which isn’t the case since he fully adores you

* For his love language he doesn’t really fit into a specific category, but gift giving is his one

* Especially the fact he is willing to share his food with you including sweets

* A bit ooc but always offers you whatever he is eating

* Another thing is probably quality time or in other words nap times together

* Like even if you aren’t falling asleep, he wants you near him

* Especially him laying down and you on top of him

* Wants to be little spoon but he is massive so not a daily occurrence

* Always ties his hair up around you because he knows you find it attractive

* Allows you to do his hair

* You guys are the duo of the tall, introverted bf and extroverted gf

* Your dates are always food dates whether it’s going to a van or a new restaurant

* You definitely gained that happy relationship weight

* Akashi actually spoke to you in the beginning of your relationship saying patience is something very much needed with Muri

* Something you don’t have so petty arguments do ensue due to his unbotheredness

But the relationship is just overall much love

[armoricaroyalty]

call your girlfriend | kelly’s playlist | armoricaroyalty

I’ve been working on-and-off on this playlist since september 2021. I’m very satisfied with the finished playlist, and I hope you enjoy it, too!

track list w/ selected lyrics and a bit of character analysis/synthesis under the cut!

The songs with bolded titles were foundational, both to the playlist and my understanding of Kelly’s character. The bolded lyrics are especially significant to my understanding of her character.

1. So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings - Caroline Polachek

i get a little lonely get a little more close to me you’re the only one who knows me, babe

2. When Am I Gonna Lose You? - Local Natives

everything has its place now we’ll lie in our bed wondering how to explain

3. Girl of the Year - Allie X

There's a hollow inside you But, don't worry I'm here (I'm here) I don't care if you're looking for the next girl of the year

4. All This Could Be Yours - Cold War Kids

you would rather crash than go straight ahead

5. Trap Door - Stars

he told me he was young, I said ‘well what is that good for?’ nobody stays that way, day after day

6. Call Your Girlfriend - Robyn

call your girlfriend it’s time you had the talk give your reasons say it’s not her fault

7. Too Much - Carly Rae Jepsen

it’s hard to get to know me are you down, down?

8. Black Sheep - Kailee Morgue

everyone pulls away from you

9. Fast Slow Disco - St. Vincent

slip my hand from your hand leave you dancing with a ghost

10. It’s a Trip! - Joywave

when you’ve gotten what you want maybe I should start over there’s nothing left to want

11. Powder Blue/Cascine Park - Yumi Zouma

another summer in your eyes another mind made up nothing ever made you mine

12. Fresh Laundry - Allie X

these days, no one’s bothering me ‘bout nothing

13. Dancing in the Dark - Lucy Dacus

Man, I'm just tired and bored with myself Hey there, baby, I could use just a little help

Kelly surprised me. She was meant to be a one-off character, never to be seen again after kicking Freddy out of her apartment and leaking his nudes. She was supposed to be a one-note social climber, as opportunistic as Freddy was shallow. From a feminist standpoint, though, I didn’t really like having a one-note gold-digger in my story. I felt like she deserved better, so I started putting a playlist together to explore some different concepts for her character. I hit on Girl of the Year and Too Much right away, and those ended up being the songs that were instrumental (heheh) who she became in my story.

Instead of a gold-digger aggressively pushing to meet the royal family, shack up with a prince, and become a duchess, Kelly ended up being a person who is reflective, troubled, and very lonely. Girl of the Year was written about the relationship between musical artists and recording executives, but I was intrigued by the idea of a woman bringing that same attitude toward a wealthy/influential boyfriend. What would it be like to date someone knowing that you’re disposable, knowing that they might move on at any moment, knowing that the best-case scenario is coming in second place to that man’s future wife?

Kelly is a bit ambivalent about the power/money/influence gap between herself and Freddy. She isn’t a gold-digger, but she can’t help but wonder what she might be able to get out of him. I think Kelly is caught in a really difficult place of liking Freddy while understanding deep-down that the relationship doesn’t have much of a future. Her decision to remain in that relationship under those circumstances reflects both low self-worth (she doesn’t think she deserves better) and a bit of a mercenary outlook (if the relationship is doomed anyway...why not try to eke some money or notoriety out of it?).

As I’ve worked to put this post together, I was struck by how isolated Kelly is. She alludes to other people in her life (therapist, family, roommates) but we never see them. They aren’t even named. She shows up/is referenced at least nine times before we see her with anyone but Freddy, and there’s no transcribed dialogue in that post. She doesn’t actually speak to anyone until this conversation with Jacques, and they don’t have a meaningful conversation until a few pages later.

Despite her scattered references to family, roommates, and her therapist (no references to friends, notably) Freddy seems to be the only person in her life with whom she has any kind of emotional connection. And even though he was making efforts to ‘bring her into his world,’ he’s making out with someone else less than two hours after she breaks things off with him for the last time. Between their first and last appearances together, the two have switched places: he’s pushing her to take the next step in their relationship and she’s pulling back. In Kelly’s mind, Freddy was never serious about her, but he just hadn’t realized it yet.

Another thing that jumped out to me rereading Kelly’s posts is the fact that she seems to have 0 positive relationships with other women. I haven’t fleshed out her backstory, but I feel like Kelly is still recovering from a Not Like Other Girls phase and feels very alienated from womanhood in general. The first time we ever see her in the same physical space with another woman is here, more than a year after she was first introduced as a character. Notably, she and Emily don’t actually speak to one another in that scene, and Emily is unwilling to intervene when Jacques is extremely fucking shady about following a seemingly-drunk woman into a bathroom. Kelly’s first actual conversation with another woman is...this attempt to buy a bus ticket.

I think Kelly’s most important female relationship is actually the relationship she doesn’t have with Vivi. Although they never interact directly, they’re connected through that paparazzi picture and Vivi’s belief that Jacques is is the father of Kelly’s child. In this way, they’re foils for one another despite the fact they never meet. Kelly  explicitly names the tabloid abuse Vivi as one factor in their break-up. Kelly and Vivi are both royal outsiders and are thus extremely vulnerable to cultural misogyny. They’re very different women, but from an instrumental standpoint, I think their differences in outlook/opinion is due to the differences in their support networks. Vivi has good relationships with her family, especially her older sibling. Even though Vivi is in the process of being absorbed into the royal apparatus, she still has her family to lean on. Kelly doesn’t have those resources. If she married into the royal family, she’d be alone within that structure, and she knows it.

I really like Kelly. She's messy and deeply flawed, but she’s not the one-note villain I intended her to be. She’s probably my favorite among the secondary characters, and I’m going to miss her!

[simpforhoon]

just you. (p.js) *ೃ༄

pairing: soft dom! jay × female reader

genre: smut, fluff, soulmate au! kind of angsty it has a happy ending I swear (praise, making out, protected sex, oral (f-receiving)).

summary: in a world where everyone gets the name of their soulmate tattooed on their wrists when they turn 18, finding out your best friend is your soulmate was not how you planned your 18th birthday to go. now, what’s so bad about that you might ask? you see, jay despises the thought of soulmates. but maybe he doesn’t despise them so much when it comes to you.

please note, this work is purely that of fiction. and not meant to represent what the enhypen members are like in real life.

A/N: guys no why am I so soft,, anyway I’ve been wanting to write this for a while now, so I hope you enjoy!! and I'm reposting this now, as this didnt get a lot of notes on my old account cause of all the reporting and stuff!

word count: 3.4k

warnings: mentions of heartbreak, crying, mentions of food.

1 week ago

you bit your nails as you paced up and down your room, a nervous habit you’d picked up in your junior year of high school whilst dealing with the tremendous stress and pressure school put on you. well lucky for you, you had graduated now and your 18th birthday was just around the corner. specifically, exactly a week from now.

your best friend jay sat on your bed staring at you with amusement written all over his face as he quietly observed you, before moving up to stop you and pull your hands away from your face. “you’re going to wear yourself out” he mumbled softly, pulling you to sit next to him and rubbing your shoulder in a comforting manner.

“I know I know, I’m just nervous, what if they’re all the way on the other side of the world? or even worse, what if they’re someone I know??” the panicked expression on your face was seemingly too much for jay to handle as before you knew it, he had almost rolled off your bed, laughing his ass off at you.

you see, your “dearest” best friend jay never believed in soulmates. he himself never actually got a name on his wrist, a sign that his soulmate had not reached the age to get theirs. to say he was ecstatic would be an understatement as he was at a party that very night, hooking up with a random girl before going over to your house the next morning with a massive hangover and a sullen expression.

it hurt you to see him that way, hooking up with random people, praying that he wouldnt run into his soulmate. and it hurt even more when you thought of how his soulmate was probably so excited to meet him even if they didn’t know him yet.

if only you knew where you would be a week later, wishing it was you who never met him.

present day

the time on your phone read 11:57, and jay had shown up to your house at exactly 11:30, punctual as always, giving up his usual saturday night parties to spend the night before your special day with you instead. he held your hand in his, one thumb running up and down the expanse of your knuckles soothingly, the only thing grounding you in the tense moments before what was basically the biggest moment of your life. your eyes never met his once, only flickering from the clock to your wrist every few seconds, almost as if it would appear before time if you stared long enough.

12:00 a.m.

it was almost as if everything stopped in that moment as the words appeared on your skin. the crickets stopped chirping, that one car alarm outsode your house stopped beeping and both you and Jay stopped breathing, even if it was just for a few seconds. one by one, letter by letter, black ink slowly trailed up the soft skin on your clean wrist, marking your skin for the rest of eternity. you watched with bated breath as tbe letters curved their way into your skin, into your soul.

“P-A-R-K” looks like your soulmate would have the same last name as your best friend. “J-O-N-” that was when the realisation of what was about to happen dawned upon you. “no, no, no, no” was all you could think. “this wasn’t supposed to happen”

meeting jay’s eyes for a split second, you could see the shock on his face, the same shock you knew was written all over your face at that very moment. yanking your hand out of his warmer one, you stared at the 2 words displayed on your wrist. “park jongseong” you whispered as a one lone tear ran down your cheek, falling to you chin before disappearing into the soft material of your sweater.

this prompted jay to push up his own sleeve, the words that seem to have appeared on his wrist confirmed what you both already knew by that point. jay park, your best friend since you were 5, your rock, your everything, was your soulmate. if the situation were anything but this, you would have been jumping for joy, ecstatic that your soulmate was the man you’d grown up with your whole life. but unfortunately, that was not the case.

“_______” he whispered, voice hoarse as he held your hand in his again. gripping it tightly this time so you wouldn’t be able to let go this time. not that you wanted to anyway. “jay” you whispered back, attempting to smile at him, despite the tears that were threatening to overflow at any moment. “I-I need time to think” he said, so softly, his eyes full of nothing but remorse. “I understand jay, take your time, don’t rush okay?” you replied, squeezing his hand in reassurance. he wistfully smiled at you one last time as he pushed himself off your bed and walked out of your bedroom, closing the door with a small ‘click’, leaving you alone in the darkness of your room, mind racing and wondering what were you were going to do with this newfound information.

you fell asleep after much tossing and turning, your mind full of nothing but jay and his name that was now tattooed into the inside of your wrist. you were woken up by the bright smile of your parents, you mother holding a plate of pancakes and wishing you a happy birthday. the sight alone was enough to make you burst into tears as you wrapped your arms around her, seeking her familiar scent and comfort after the rough night you had. your parents seemed shocked, but did not press you to open up, wrapping their arms around you as they attempted to comfort you.

your mom was no foolish woman, as she seems to have caught on to what was bothering you on your special day. “its about your soulmate isn’t it?” she asked as she placed a glass of your favourite chocolate smoothie in front of you, wiping her hands on her apron. you looked up at her, disbelief written all over your face as she chuckled at you. “how did you know?” you asked as she smiled slyly at you. “I have my ways, and besides, I’m your mother” she replied with a wink. you groaned, dramatically resting your head on the counter as she laughed and gave in. “I saw jay walk out of your room last night with tears streaming down his face, and considering you woke up crying too, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what went down there”.

“you should talk it out with him sweetie, he’s not just your soulmate, he’s your best friend. despite how he feels about this whole fate thing, I’m sure the both of you will be okay.” her words reassured you as you grabbed your backpack, and walked through your front door. not even 2 minutes later you heard the biggest scream and you were tackled into a hug. giggling, you wrapped your arms around the taller boy as he squeezed you tightly. “happy birthday ______!” he said as he let go of you and continued your walk to school. “thanks sunoo” you said, smiling at the younger boy who had the biggest grin on his face.

“soooooo” he began, looking at you with an expectant expression on his face. you pursed your lips, already predicting the question that was due to escape his mouth any second from now. “jay” you said, cutting him off before he could even open his mouth. “JAY?!?!!?” he said, a little too loudly, mouth agape as he processed the information. you shrugged as he linked his arm with yours, understanding that you didnt want to talk about it.

luckily, no one pressed you about your soulmate for the rest of the day, warded off by sunoo’s glare the moment they looked like they were going to ask. you sat next to jay in all your classes, the atmosphere tense and awkward between the two of you. everyone seemed to have figured our what happened by that alone, your normally boisterous voices muted and soft. you went out after school with sunoo and riki, your mood heightened by the laughs and jokes of the two bickering boys.

when you got home, the house was eerily quiet, your parents nowhere in sight, all the lights turned off save the one in your living room. and there on the sleek grey sofa sat Jay, looking down at his hands as he anxiously played around with the rings he always wore. your footsteps alerted him of your presence, as he shot up off your sofa to greet you with a crooked smile on his face, black hair sticking up in every direction.

you smiled at him, already preparing yourself for the worst, as he walked towards you. “your parents have gone out, they handed me the keys and told me to come and talk to you if I wanted, and-” he cut himself off in the middle of his sentence, taking a deep breath and holding your hand. here goes nothing he thought. “I want to try. this whole soulmate thing I mean. maybe i wouldnt be this way if it was anyone else, but it’s you, my best friend, and I don’t want to lose you.” he mumbled out the last part, but it was still clear enough for you to hear. you couldn’t help the smile that stretched across your face at his words, his own face breaking out into a grin at your expression. you reached up on your tippy toes to wrap your arms around his neck as his hands went around your waist.

he buried his face in your hair, your soft vanilla scent calming his racing heart, and that was when he realised how much you really meant to him. he loved when you would always being him snacks after soccer practice, he loved when you let him lay his head on your lap and you ran your hands through his hair, he loved seeing the expressions you made when you ate his food, he loved you.

“I made something for you” he said, pulling away from your embrace, leading you to your kitchen and making you sit down on the counter. he grabbed a plate of your favourite pasta and a fork before lifting up a mouthful and holding it out to feed it to you. you smiled, wrapping your lips around the fork as the flavours exploded in your mouth. “oh my gosh, this is good, you’ve really outdone yourself.” he smiled at the complement before pressing a kiss to your cheek and muttering a little “happy birthday love”, leaving your face feeling hot and an uncontrollable smile on your face.

the rest of the evening went by in hin feeding you food and taking a few notes of it himself, lots of little cheek kisses, before the two of you settled down on the couch to watch a movie. it seemed like jay had gotten over his awkwardness as he pulled you to sit between his legs the moment the movie started. you looked back at him in shock, wondering when he got so bold before he pressed a kiss to your lips and told you to focus on the screen.

it might not have been the perfect first kiss, but it was with jay and that was enough. he played with your hair throughout the movie, and moved it aside at one point, pressing little kisses along the expanse of your neck. it was when he landed his lips on one particular spot that you let out a little noise, one you never even knew you could make that made him sit up a little straighter.

it was almost as if a switch flipped within him as he tightened his grip around your waist, one hand slipping up your hoodie to caress the skin near your waist. “I didn’t know you could make such pretty noises baby” he whispered in your ear, his hot breath sending shivers down your spine. “well i didn’t know i could either” you whispered back, the realisation of what was about to happen making your body feel like it was on fire.

“are you sure you want this? we don’t have to do anything you dont want to sweetheart” he said, pulling away with a kiss to your cheek. you shifted so that you were facing him, legs wrapped around his waist and you reached your hands up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. “I’m sure jay, theres no one I’d rather do this with than you.” that was all the affirmation he needed, as within seconds you were being dragged to your bedroom by an overexcited jay.

he pressed you up against your room door, hands coming up to lift your thighs and wrap them around his waist, your core meeting his very obvious bulge. taking advantage of the gasp that left you, he allowed his tongue to skip into your mouth, taking control of every aspect of the kiss. pulling away, he brought you to your bed, gently letting you down onto the mattress, and reaching up to pull your hoodie off you.

“so beautiful” he whispered as he reached behind you to pull your bra off, before lifting his own arms to pull his own shirt off, leaving his body on display for you. just for you. he reached down to tug one of your nipples into his mouth, gently sucking and wrapping his tongue around the sensitive bud, his actions leaving your mouth open in a silent moan.

within minutes, both of you were left completely naked as jay continued to trail his lips down your body, pressing little kisses to your inner thigh before his mouth finally met your core, the smallest motion of his lips leaving you breathless and squirming. “stay still sweetheart, good girls don’t move around so much”. his words sent vibrations spreading throughout your body, not doing anything to help with the heat that was coursing through your veins.

his tongue delved in and out of your dripping hole, one of his hands rubbing your clit while the other held your legs open for him. “jay- i- I’m gonna-” but he was gone the moment the words fell from your mouth. and he was a sight to see. your juices mixed with his, drool and spit dripped down his chin, as he ran his tongue over his lips with a smirk on his face.

“oh so the baby wants to cum? don’t worry love, I’m going to make you feel so good”. he reached into his jacket and pulled out a condom before rolling it on and lining himself I with your entrance. he grasped your chin gently, pulling you up to look at him and planting a loving kiss on your lips. “I love you so much sweetheart, so so much” he whispered, pulling away from your lips. “I love you too jay” you said back, watching as he smiled once, before intertwining your hands and then, pushing himself into you.

nothing had ever felt as good in that moment as he gently, softly pushed himself inside. the feeling was euphoric, having your soulmate inside you in such an intimate manner. your bodies moulding together perfectly, bursts of colour lighting up the back of your eyelids as your eyes closed at the feeling of him in you. he began thrusting in and out of you slowly, not wanting to hurt you. but at your signal, he began moving faster, groans and moans escaping both your lips, finding pleasure and love in each other.

it didn’t take long for you to reach your high at all, his length hitting you in all the right places, leading you to ride out your high much faster than you expected, jay following soon after. he finished inside the condom, reaching out to pull it off and throw it away, before walking to your bathroom and grabbing a wet cloth to clean you up with.

he was greeted with the sight of your tired smile as he returned, gently cleaning you before tossing the rag and gathering you up in his arms, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “does this mean you’re mine now?” he asked, reaching down to bury his head in your hair, his hands absent-mindedly tracing shapes and figures on your bare shoulder. “it does if it means you’re mine too”. he smiled at your response, pulling the blanket over the two of you as you drifted off to sleep in the arms of the one person who would stay with you forever.

thank you for reading!! I hope you enjoyed and I hope you drank enough water today! ♡♡♡