#its going to be so good someday
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Fanfic idea!
So I wanted to share an idea i had for a story that just sorta appeared in my brain fully formed. It will be a while before I have time to write it out, but I wanted to share it with y'all now while it's fresh in my mind.
This was inspired by @puppetwoman17 's story "Batson Family Soap Opera" and conversations I've had with @cerealboxlore as well as some other posts I've seen floating around tumblr but can't find right now.
Title: Signed in Blood
Premise: Ebenezer Batson makes a deal with Lady Blaze to bring his son Sinclair back to life, but there's a catch: after a year and a day either Sinclair must return to the land of the dead or a blood relative must take his place.
When the time comes for Blaze to collect on her contract, the Justice League is recruited to protect the Batsons from the hellhounds and demons she sends after them.
Full details under the cut because this will get long. Like the entire fic is there in bullet point form
Okay bullet points for all the plot beats i know (basically an outline of the story)
We open on Lady Blaze tracking down Ebenezer and offering to grant his greatest wish: bringing his son back to life
Ebenezer jumps at the chance and signs the contract with his blood, even knowing the caveat that someone must die in one year. A further stipulation in the contract is that the soul of whoever dies to fulfill the contract will belong to her
Ebenezer loves his son and won't let him die again, but he's still a selfish bastard, so he doesn't plan on dying either
He justifies it to himself with the thought that Sinclair is smarter, more charismatic, and had a bright future whereas Billy is a troubled runaway who will probably become a petty crook etc.
There is only one other blood relative he knows is still alive: Billy
(Billy is of course trans in this but I'll stick to the name and pronouns we know he uses rather than Ebenezer's misgendering and deadnaming)
Sinclair does not know he's dead: Blaze wiped his memory of the accident and used magic to provide false memories to account for the time he was dead
Ebenezer tracks down Billy to take back custody of him so he'll be able to hand him over to Blaze (he knows that if billy dies and he tells people Billy ran away they'll believe it because of his history thus getting away scott free)
Billy is conflicted about being in Ebenezer's custody again, especially with a cousin he doesn't remember (he died before Billy's parents did) who seems a bit off (because he was resurrected with demonic magic)
Sinclair jumps straight into making a name for himself by running for political office (he has ambitions and plans for his future and zero idea what his father did)
While campaigning for office, exactly a year and a day since he was resurrected, Sinclair attends a major political conference
The conference is attacked by hellhounds sent by blaze to remind Ebenezer of their contract. But it causes a huge scene and the Justice League, including Captain Marvel, gets involved to help protect the political leaders of the conference
But they soon realize the main target is Sinclair so they take him and Ebenezer back to their home and offer their protection while they figure out what's going on
Ebenezer is sweating because he has no idea where Billy is so he can't offer him up like he planned (because Billy is CM at the moment) but he figures the JL can keep him and Sinclair alive
Cap is unusually rude and abrasive. He's distant and avoids certain sections of the house. The JL is worried because he never acts like this and they don't know what happened or why he doesn't seem to like the batsons
As they try to figure out why the Batsons are being targeted, a second attack happens at a charity event where the Bromfields had been in attendance (the demons targeting Mary)
The JL brings the Bromfields and the Batsons together to try to find a link. And after Batman runs a DNA test he finds out that Mary is related to them.
(Billy recognized her the moment he saw her locket and is desperately trying to hold himself back from pulling her into a hug and whisking her away from their uncle)
Ebenezer is gobsmacked that his niece is alive, Mary is ecstatic to learn more about her birth family, and the Bromfields are worried about what this all means.
The story of CC and Marilyn comes out and Sinclair tells the JL about Billy and how he's missing and they need to find him before the demons do
Demons attack the house, gunning for Cap as well which leads to some investigation and the theory that Cap is CC with memory loss which he adamantly denies
(Both Billy and Ebenezer are shaken by just how many "dead" Batsons are in the room)
Blaze appears and tells them all that due to her contract they cannot deny her: she is owed the life and soul of one of the Batsons by midnight. A life for a life.
Everyone is freaking out because what contract? And who is she?
But Billy knows who she is and it takes him no time at all to put the pieces together. He confronts Ebenezer and when he denies it, he convinces wonder woman to use the lasso of truth on him
Ebenezer is forced to tell them he made a deal and why: he wanted his son back.
But Sinclair still has no idea he died so he doesn't understand: he would have come home if his dad needed him so bad.
But Billy remembers an incident from when he was a kid living with Ebenezer: playing in the backyard, digging a hole as little kids do and finding a ring engraved with the name Sinclair Batson (a high school class ring that Sinclair always wears, one that he's wearing right now)
His uncle had been furious and punished Billy for it, but later while drunk he sobbed about how his perfect son was gone, how he'd never see him again.
Billy had (rightly) assumed he was dead but didn't ask any questions about him until he was in Ebenezer's custody again, then he assumed he was just young and misunderstood the situation (after all he'd lost so many people at that age. Lots of people were just gone without explanation)
But now he realizes the truth: Sinclair was brought back from the dead and the strange offputting aura was blazes magic
Ebenezer is forced to tell them what happened: how Sinclair died.
It was an accident. The two of them had been arguing about Sinclair going away for college among other things and things got heated. Sinclair tried to sneak out after the argument, climbing out of his window. Ebenezer caught him and shouted for him to get back inside. The shout startled Sinclair and he fell off the roof and broke his neck
Ebenezer couldn't bring himself to call the police, he was terrified they'd arrest him because the neighbors heard them arguing and Sinclair had bruises on his arm from where Ebenezer had grabbed him
So he buried his son in that backyard, telling everyone who asked that Sinclair was away for college and building up the lie so no one suspected the truth. (Billy found Sinclair's ring because he was playing on top of his unmarked grave)
Billy pushes and Ebenezer admits that he'd been planning on giving Billy up in exchange for Sinclair (airing out his justifications)
Everyone is horrified, especially Sinclair. (Not Billy though, this aligned perfectly with the Ebenezer he knew)
There's a lot of argument about what to do: most are in favor of handing Ebenezer over to Blaze but Sinclair is admant that he was supposed to be dead so it should be him she took.
But Billy knows something no one else knows about this deal, not even Ebenezer: Blaze had always intended to reap Billy's soul as payment
She knew there was no love between Billy and Ebenezer but she also knew that Billy would never let anyone (even someone he hates as much as his uncle) become her slave via owning their soul
But if Billy's soul belonged to her, so would his powers and his connection to Shazam and the Rock of Eternity. The contract would back him into a corner and his pure heart would give her the opening she needed.
So Billy pulls Sinclair and Mary aside. Mary's clinging to Sinclair because even though she just found him she doesn't want to lose him.
The three of them hatch a plan
When Blaze arrives and demands her payment Cap steps forward and offers himself (which makes everyone confused since he's been denying being CC all night)
Blaze is ecstatic because she can taste victory
Sinclair steps up and demands to know how they can trust her not to come after them again once she has cap's soul.
After a bit of back and forth, she agrees to add an addendum to the contract Ebenezer signed ensuring that she would never harm any of the Batsons after collecting what she is owed.
All batsons sign the contract in blood
Last is Billy who she tells to power down so she can collect his soul without divine interference
Billy transforms and literally everyone except Blaze is blindsided by the fact that Cap is Billy who has been missing since before this mess began
Blaze shoves her hand into Billy’s chest to rip out his soul and claim her birthright
But before he dies he gives Mary, who is shell shocked and horrified and quickly realizing that's her twin, a nod
As he falls to the ground she remembers the plan: she shouts out "Shazam" and becomes Mary Marvel
You see the night before Billy officially chose her to become his successor as Champion (Sinclair is too closely tied to blazes magic so it would've been too risky to give him. Plus Mary was always destined for the powers of Shazam but had been hidden from him by black Adam's magic)
Just as Blaze was denied her father's power and the Rock of Eternity because he chose Billy as his champion, so she was denied when Billy transferred his powers to mary
She is furious and attacks mary
But upon landing the first hit, Billy is brought back because she hurt a batson rendering the contract null and void
Together Billy and Mary send her back to hell
The epilogue features the Batsons several months later. Ebenezer is in prison for attempted murder (of both Billy and Sinclair) among other crimes. Sinclair still visits him because despite everything he loves his dad and owes him his second chance at life (it's definitely complicated) Sinclair is billys legal guardian and theyd sold the house where both Billy and Sinclair were abused moving into the same neighborhood as the Bromfields so the twins can be together again. Captain Marvel and Mary are beloved heroes and they've officially endorsed Sinclair's campaign which meant he won in a landslide.
And they lived happily ever after
So thoughts?
I told you the idea was fully formed but I'd love to hear what y'all think!
#ask me whatever you want y'all#shazam#billy batson#dc captain marvel#mary bromfield#mary batson#mary marvel#ebenezer batson#sinclair batson#lady blaze#i told y'all: fully formed#its going to be so good someday#my brain is buzzing with excitement#please tell me what you think#because this is all ive thought about since yesterday when i woke up from my nap#glad i got it all down though#id be devastated if i forgot the details of this before i had time to write it
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Sometimes I think about how Jin Ling goes by that instead of Jin Rulan and I just vividly picture his young mistress persona going like "yeah my not uncle was an unaware pining cut sleeve and my mom kind of just enabled it so... juijui and I just try to pretend it didn't happen -- it's cringe af" and I die a little in both grief and hilarity
#mdzs#mxtx#wangxian#mo dao zu shi#the untamed#wei wuxian#lan wangji#jin ling#jin rulan#jiang cheng#no because they silently came to that agreement for over a decade and then wex came back an JL had to look at his pining ass all the time#then after they are together he's like i am literally a teenager with the nominal marker of your infatuation yet you are JUST NOW A COUPLE?#and jiang cheng is just fuming shaking his fist at wangxian at a distance and like#listen his nephews name is basically wangxian ya feel me#its just so fucking good#and yet i sob because jiang yanli#and jin zixuan I GUESS but the way she just rolled with it ugh i die#picturing jl and lsz someday going yeah these bitches gay and dramatic we love our gays#and then i cry again#the mdzs experience#ok did not expect to make myself emotional in the tags don't perceive me
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finally sending my busted old montblanc in for repairs after sitting on it for over a decade everyone wish me a not too expensive quote
#fountain pens#it was properly messed up. i spent a long time trying to fix it myself to little avail#its so special to me i really wanna see it working again someday and parts for its particular make are SUPER RARE#old man gave my mom a big bag of old pens as thanks for her help back when she worked at the bank and she gave it to me#and the montblanc was the one fountain pen in there and it was like a magical treasure to me#especially cus the nib feels SOOO good. it feels amazing#i can only assume the old man was left handed cus it's worn down in such a perfect way for me specifically#also embarrassing and sad but the damage was entirely caused by 14 year old me trying to take apart the piston to clean it#its my one big regret#whenever i think about the time machine to go back and fix something scenario the first thing that comes to mind is this pen#going back to teen me and saying PUT THE PEN DOWN IT LITERALLY JUST NEEDS TO SOAK IN SOME WATER AND A LITTLE FRESH SILICONE GREASE#my bemoanings
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these are A BIT OLD but uhhh here check out these aggio doodles i did forever ago. still VERY happy w my colors :3
#this was back in uhhhh jan 2023!! hot dog!! and its still perfeclty good to eat!#i think kian and chip would get along. they could talk about feelings. kian could give chip the therapy he needs. maybe kiss? who said that#jay and rand could also get along i think. smoke buddies. cigarette fans. i bet they could play dnd together. or build a contraption togeth#also WAUHG the way i colored in kira here is SO PERFECT.. SHES SO SPARKLY N PRETTY. ALSO THAT HOOORNN i remember bleeding for that#shading is HARD lighting is HARD drawing a crazy unicorn is HARD but SOOOO WORTH IT I SITLL LOVE HOW IT LOOKES.....#waht else is there. oh yes the prime defender doodles#i love mark so much.... i miss being crazy and strange abt mark winters... i need to draw him killing more people someday#anyway i gotta go to bed soon to keep my sleep schedul on track but I DONT WAANNA!!!! recently relistened to bitb. that might release spore#im also chippin away at that am i in heaven animatic between workin on commissions. I GOT RLY FAR!! i think that i could finish it within#like. 3 or 4 more inspo waves. it wont be unfinished forevcer..... its so close... just 4 more full scenes to rly fleshh out#so basically another 2 years. YEAH BABy. in the meantime i have a backlog of things i can poast. i got plenty o drawings and doodles to sha#alrigh thats all the ramblin im gonna do for now. sleep well everyone hope shool or work goes easy on u in the coming week
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!!! FLASHING LIGHTS WARNING!!! [IM NOT FUCKIN AROUND!!]
REACHED THE CUSP OF 'THIS MAY NEVER BE ABSOLUTELY FINISHED N IF I DONT SHOW IT NOW, IT WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.' SO HERE, A PROJECT IVE BEEN ORBITING AROUND UHH SINCE 2021 OR SO.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#cw flashing lights#LOOORRD OF LIGHTNING SAAAAVE ME!!!!#RAAAHHHH I LOVETHIS SONG SO FUCKIN MUCH AND I LOVE GILLION SO FUCKIN MUCH RAAHHHH!! RAAHHHH!!!#BUT YES YES I HAD LIKE A WHOLE OTHER HALF TO THIS SKETCHED OUT BUT IT WONT FINISH COOKIN FOR A MILLION YEAARS!!!!#MAYBE SOMEDAY.....#ANYWAY. this is my first time actually syncing audio to my animations. normally i domnt know howww.#i animated it all in fire alpaca AND THEN i mixed everything in a pirated movie maker. it kinda uh. sucks. but its WHAT I GOT BAYBE!!#i relaly like how i animate swishy hair... i was inspird by eris from sinbad. i can only HOPE i got on that level w the watery flowyness#LIUGHTNING IS HARD TO ANIMATE TOO. I WATCHED ALOTTA VIDEOS ABSORBED MINIMAL TUTORIALS AND UHH I THINK I DID OKAY!!#better than bad!!! but i can still do better. eventually. ugh. FLASHING LIGHTS TOO HUH? U LIKE ANIMATINGB FLASHING LIGHT?#U LIKE MAKING THE BLACK N WHITE FLICKER RLY FAST UNTIL UR EYES BLEED OUT UR SKULL?? YEAAAHH YOU DO!!!#im also vry proud o the title cards i made at the beginning teheheheh. dependign on where riptide goes i MIGHT change it#BUT HEY THEORY TIME? I HOPE ONE OF THE GODDESSES COMES DOWN TO PILOT GILLIONS BODY SO THEY CAN BEAT THE FUCK OUT O THE OTHER GODDESS#WHO IS ALSO IN SOMEONE ELSES MORTAL BODY. GODS COMING DOWN TO WREAK HAVOC OVER PETTY DISAGREEMENTS OOOGH HOW FUN!!#GOOD ON YOU CHAMPION!! YOUR VESSEL HAS BEEN TRAINED TO BE STRONG AND HARDY. PERFECT FOR CHANNELING DIVINE ENERGY.#OHHHH WHAT A PERFECT WEAPON YOU ARE. NOW GO AND IMMANENTIZE A WATERY ESCHATON#PARAGON OF OCEANS WRATH I WANT TO SEE YOU DROWN THE LAND. DESTROY!!! EAT!!! BURN!!! RAAAGHH I NEED GILLION TO GET MORE POWER!!!!#ALSO in other news i uh. actually posted this onto twitter forever ago but forgot to post it here bc i can only post it from pc and BABY!!#IM NOT ON THE COMPUTER OFTEN! NOT ANYMORE!! NOT ANYMOREE!!! IM FREE BAYBE!! i used to be so miserable. sometimes i think abt that.#ANYWAY. pls enjoy. just this much took so long. i love makin the lil guys move.... ouh.... hava good day if u get the chance to.
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blood doll elias^^
#im never that confident on lineart but this time it ateeee its going in the tag#drawing human elias like this is so fun cause in universe his sire could have been the artist#i initially wanted to do this flat color but the lines are too detailed i dont think itd look good. might post a painted version someday tho#not now i want to work on the minicomic wip and some things for brooke#anyways#vtm#vampire the masquerade#/elias#art#oc art#scarabocchi
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this was an idea i had last year that i found in my files and decided to revive. woe, angst be upon ye
#it was originally going to be that every panel was drawn#but i think trying to do all of that was why i gave up in the first place#cause man im not used to like... any of those angles#i need to be but im just not so#the white vignette is meant to indicate its what hes imagining/remembering#i know he wasnt there for the ineffable bureaucracy thing but like#hes just imagining it very accurately#hes thinking of them because they got their happy ending but he didnt lol#i remember last year when i first decided to draw this i tried to get a google earth angle of the bench :[ but there wasnt a good angle#so i just had to reference off the actual shot of them sitting on that bench lol#he also might be really tiny compared to it but shhh dont mind that#ineffable husbands#good omens#good omens fan art#anthony j crowley#aziraphale#beezlebub good omens#gabriel good omens#oh by the way the song is 'tomorrow never came' i think its by lana del ray but i only know the thomas sanders and miss benny cover#my post#my art#good omens angst#ineffable husbands angst#edit from hours and hours later but man i remembered the lyric 'every day felt like someday and i just wish we had stayed home'#and man i cant even think of an image or drawing that that would be attached to but i wish i could cause i like it too
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what's the buzz, tell me what's a-happening ???
#jesus chris superstar#not really this is just dolokhoded bible. but the quote is jcs !#(well i mean it could be. its not any specific production anyways.)#judas iscariot#he's the only one i tag always#but everyone's there. all the apostles plus magdalene and joanna and susanna though you can't see them very well#im not religious just insane.jpg#remember when i had an art tag#i SAID im gonna draw something proper and i DID IT OKAY#LOOK AT JOHN !!!!!!! OBSESSED WITH HIM !#my normal john design is much lamer but in this weird 70ish but not really in any real timeline 'verse he KICKS ASS#i was going for like. green eyed blonde baby cherub with him anyways but it really popped off with this specific design he's the only one i#changed so much between the two verses.#cause he looked so lame.#this is going to get less notes that like. the stupidest most half assed art i've done for fandoms that actually exist but im going to try#and not care. its fine. its fine#oh sorry for how shit the quality is btw. youre never going to get good camera quality here at tumblr dot com slash dolokhoded lol im#so broke . maybe i'll try to fix it someday.
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recently did my annual rewatch of over the garden wall, so here's a dump of otgw inspired trees frm my sketchbook that ive done since then
#on the downside im still mad about a Certain tv show#so after watching this masterpiece i was like. WOW this series did such a good job with its characters & themes & pacing.#if only ANOTHER 10 episode animated cartoon network series that Shall Go Unnamed managed to succeed at those things .#instwsd of dropping the ball last minute & fucking shit up immensely. haha. im normal#hmm anyway#my art#halloween#og art#trees#landscape#sketchbook#traditional art#mushrooms#fungi#wip#<- these r mostly finished#partially saying wip bc i plan 2 post better pics of these someday l#lol
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yk im kinda glad Knight of Dawn didnt have a name in JP, what if his real name was such a beautiful rendition of Aurora as a name in JP server but then the EN translation just downgraded it to some white name like Angel or smth I wouldve end it lol
#there are some good translation like raverne (but lowkey still prefers Levan bcs its pronounced the same in JP lol)#but oftentimes its a misss#also yes this is a lament about fellows name again KJSKAJS#DNI if you call him ernesto 💥💥💥#like angel is good description for dawn sure but real name?? HIT THE BREAKS😭💥💥💥#also random hc that his 3 fairies was the one who named him#so if his real name was going to be revealed someday im judging the 3 fairies naming skills lol
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hey, what's ur favourite holiday btw? Bc mine's Halloween tbh- CANDY!
DITTO BABEY halloween is where it's at! although i will admit im Not a big candy person - sweet stuff isn't my area! unless it's Cake! even then I can't handle a lot at once!
but man, Halloween. i miss her. the vibes, the energy, the flair, the decorations, the spooky stuff, the Everything... she serves.
#bats cats witches werewolves vampires monsters purpleorangeblack costumes AGH#I COULD GO ON!!!#halloween is probably the only holiday i actually thoroughly enjoy#thanksgiving is second in line but Only when there's good food to eat#usually its quite lackluster so! its a far second!#but really halloween is up here#and the other hoildays are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down here#halloween is just... so glorious#and not nearly as twisted as the other ones#its just! Fun! the goal of it is to have fun!!#eat candy! dress up! decorate!#no real pressure no huge financial aspect or Family Gathering aspect#its just. yeah its fun its funky its Fresh#i would love to celebrate it again someday <3#rambles from the bog#my only halloween complaint is the Spider popularity#thats like. the only facet i truly dislike#i dont do spiders!!! i simply do Not!#but everything else plain makes me happy#why cant all seasons be spooky season...
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scrolling thru my old totk screenshots nd i think i found my favourite one. aptly titled "man"
#ive gotta go through my full album but im like. reasonably a certain a good chunk of it is dragon pics 😭#sorry for loving the botw/totk dragons and feeling in awe of their presence all the time. as if its my fault#anyway i was looking for a good pic to colourpick the sky from for a Project. so. this serves me well#my other favourite screenshot is 'octorok pog' which i may share someday#personal.txt
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Finding out the DIC version of Sailor Moon is now unable to be legally watched *anywhere* and very well could become lost media is devastating to me.
Do you have ANY idea how much of my writing career was influenced by this cheesy 90s Soundtrack alone?!
youtube
Seriously... this song still tugs at the heart strings.
#carriedreamer speaks#Sailor Moon Dub#it was so cheesy but it unlocked something in my brain man#and its never let go#like again I am so sad and I pray that whoever owns the rights to the OST of this releases it someday#like please and thank you#if you need me I'll be listening to the cheesy goodness of Sailor Moon Dub#sailor moon#Youtube
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Fuchgenta??
#the tiny house i based my own blue print off of is for sale at 110000 across the country#if my ass weren't broke id hop on that and drive all the way over to get it#but also 110k for a tiny house on wheels is pretty outrageous especially when these things were originally marked at a cap of 65k#once upon a year now no one can afford them#i do want a home someday and I'm also finding I'm nomadic by nature#dream would be have a “home base” with land thats permanent#but as soon as winter comes i can pack up and move south or wherever is warmer for several months before returning#that would be great for minimizing fibro flares getting away from the cold#heck if remote work ends up getting me good money after i pay off a huge chunk of medical debt i wouldn't mind#being a digital nomad for a few months out of the year#go see people i like across the pond see pompeii see rome see ireland see spain see australia see japan#so many....#theres people that want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet before they die#then theres me that wants to see all the cool ancient human things before it disappears or before i leave earth and go home#one of the few big fears i have is it wont happen in this life#but hey i didnt think i was gonna make it past 23 let alone make it to 32#i didnt think i was ever gonna get out of my abusive household and out of my old shitty life#but im here so who knows what could happen right?#not magenta or fuchsia but some other pink variation#i just need to roll out a pink color palette and start assigning emotions to them at this point 😂#magenta is my vent word#fuchsia is my vent word for good things#idk wtf this is its a combo
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I really hate how my physical body looks so so so much. unfortunately there isn't much I can do about it.
#ive got fat genetics from both parents families going back generations and ive been trying to lose weight forever#my stupod body likes being fat i can excercise like crazy and eat barely anything and i wont lose anything#i was excercising 2+ hours a day before i got sick and it made me stronger but i.stayed fat. now that im sick im weak and still fat.#and im not the kind of fat anybody can find pretty. if i could somehow not be fat id be decent to look at my face isnt bad#my skin is bad though my skin sucks#in my eyes im disgusting#and its so messed up because i dont think other fat people are gross#but i hate how i look so much that i cant imagine anyone being okay with it#like no matter how kind and understanding and sweet i am to people its never gonna make up for the fact that my body is grossly ugly#and i cant blame anyone for not liking me i get it.#sorry#this is a problem i have#bacause i just usually pretend my body doesnt exist and i wear pretty loose fitting dresses that cover me completely so but#even though i am what i am#sometimes you happen to meet a nice person and they are polite and dont seem disgusted by your existance so then your traitorous brain t#thinks hey maybe this person would be willing to marry us someday if they got to know us. which is so silly becuz theres no way thatd ever#so it makes me sad when i should be happy that a nice person talked to me. yay good job successful friendlyness. but it has to remind me#that i had this expectation from when i was a kid that id marry somone and have at least 3 kids and love my kids and take care of them and#give them everything i needed when i was a kid. and of course that never happened. because i never dated anyone. because people dont just#magically get married out of nowhere. its stupid. so i keep trying to be okay with whatever. but i guess i never stopped wanting a family.#which we know im aroace now so. i need to stop. but my brain is always bothering me about this.#why can't i just accept that no one will ever love me. why cant i be happy that they dont?#ive got cats#someday i will have irl friends again#sorry i think everything would be so much easier if i was just#this isnt a problem with an easy solutiom#i guess im gonna try to do the useless excercises again because at least it will look like im trying even though nothing will change
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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and [checks notes] the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd
#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd#also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th#breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to#so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart#and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves#i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this#i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things#so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday#i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers#but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better#if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war#anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal#add to journal#words n rhythm#WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS#cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao#i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i#and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would#objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do#trauma evolution#mosswrites
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