#its fine im coping this is how life works. this is normal and good. you know this is for the better.

[autism-corner]

"suppress every negative thought"-guy CRUMBLES when "feeling sad is normal and not in itself a bad thing" hits.

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 163 spoilers and thoughts that are making me procrastinate on like all of my work but its totally fine below the cut

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i am so serious i was completely tricked into thinking this would just be a light episode with some ominous foreshadowing but still some answers for how to defeat fate. i thought we'd be in silly haha territory now and that soon we'd reach the end and everything would be wonderful now and they can finally have what they want. I WAS PROVEN WRONG

YOU. YOU TRICKED ME FROM THE GETGO BY SETTING THE MOOD OF THE EP TO BE SILLY OFF THE BAT. YOUR STUPID CUTE HAIR BEING MESSY WHEN U WAKE UP AND THOSE SILLY ASS D*SNEY ANIMALS. YOU YOU YOU YOU RAPHAEL YOU FOOLED ME

it's super cute and funny that his singing and his general demeanor is so fairytale esque that animals and people just love him even though he tried to destroy what they were working on . he looks adorable with messy hair. i wanna see it more. cute and blond. but also. FUCK YOU

like we went from that to this and i was like "oh my god they're gonna have a bonding moment" and i was so so happy i just,, i really thought,,,,

like he looks so pretty here!! and then javier says something so sweet and so javier-brand of affectionate and they're being funny about it and it's so cute and they're all smiley afterward in the reflections of the water so its like "awww stupid fucking idiots being happy at each other without even really knowing it i love them so much" AND THEN.

STUPID FUCKING OMINOUS REFLECTION GOT ME ALL WORRIED. BUT THEN I THOUGHT OF RAPHIE AT THE START AND WENT "nahhh thats just. yknow. the normal foreshadowing at something bigger. they haven't even gotten answers yet. it's fine" oh lynn. oh girl you had no idea.

like they're so close to the truth cmon they wouldnt dump what they need to do to stop fate AND whats going on w javier at the same time right? ha. ha. ha.

ominous panels aside POOR LLOYD,,, OF ALL THE SECRETS HE COULD HAVE CHOSEN,,, he had no idea its not fair </3 we got blushy lloyd as a result i love this panel btw he's very very cute. super duper bug of him. i really like that the artist has been drawing the two of them at this angle a lot recently they look so stupid i like it a lot

ALSO JAVIER DO YOU. HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY. WHY DID HE ASK THAT I. JAVIER U CANT JUST ASK PEOPLE HOW DEE- WHAT THE FUCK

and then we got hit w javier being worried and i was like "man me too buddy, im worried too but im sure itll be oka-"

DEATH FLAG. WHY. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO THINK THAT LLOYD OH GOD. i read this and my worry that was briefly washed away IMMEDIATELY came back . tged is very good at giving me tonal whiplash. i dont think thats a bad thing but also its not good for my health either so. /lh

AND THEN WE GOT HIT WITH THE JEWEL OF TRUTH SECTION AND. AAAAHHH AAAAAAAAHHH the darkness that lloyd is in, he's all alone when he hears this god i . oh god i have so much to say okay

it's kind of hard to go shot by shot with this section because all my thoughts are overlapping with each other but ill try my best???

he's immediately pushed into communication between just him and the jewel and shrouded in a very very isolating darkness. there's so so so much empty space and all my yapping about how much lloyd has been isolating himself for the sake of finally protecting his loved ones kind of comes to a head here. and then we hear the truth...

lloyd is a BUG. the fact that he EXISTS is a problem that has been the catalyst of all the pain and work that he and javier have had to go through, so so early in the story. he's essentially being told that its HIS fault fate is threatening their lives. AND WOW THAT HURTS. how do you cope with being told that?? how do you manage that???

and on TOP of it all, in order to fix it, he has to choose. rid the world of this bug, or let the bug take over. THAT'S SO EVIL

the only way to protect his loved ones is to forfeit his protection over them, giving up his life. and yet the only way for him to continue being there to protect them is to lose the life of the one he absolutely loves most, javier. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT

the moment he hears this he falls to his knees. im so fucking ill IM SICK . THIS IS SICK AND TWISTED!!!!!!!!!!!

some more thoughts on the language and just. inherent despair of this section:

i think the choice of calling lloyd a bug is so so so heartwrenching. i don't know if it's an intentional thing by the writer/adapter or if it's just something they defaulted to since the world is considered a system, but either way it makes me so damn emotional

i'm a computer engineer, so i take some computer science classes too as part of my major, and one of those fun facts that you learn in those classes is that debugging/bugs became common terminology in compsci for a very silly reason. "bugs" as a word to describe error and defects had been present before, but it became conflated with programming due to a team of programmers actually finding a moth, a true to life Bug, interfering with their computer and thus messing with their program.

see, the JoT could have called lloyd anything. an error, a mistake, a problem, hell even a glitch would have worked. but they specifically said bug (and again whether or not thats intentional is up for debate but i will treat it like it is)

and the thing about bugs, the thing that haunts me now, is that without them the rest of the program (theoretically) works fine. if that moth hadnt entered the computer of those programmers, then their code would have been operating smoothly. the system would be chugging along well.

the knight of blood and iron would be functioning just fine.

yeah it'd be sad, yeah javier would have lost everyone, but it would have gone exactly as the program was written. the memory allocated for the class lloyd_frontera would be freed, and the story wouldn't have had to call on it, ever. but lloyd, the bug, the moth, stuck around. errors ensue.

and often, bugs are HUMAN error. it's a problem in a human design, not a natural glitch or mistake. the moth wouldn't have been able to enter that computer if it was built differently. bugs do not appear naturally. and they do not go away until you go back to where the bug appears and FIX IT. lloyd cannot fix the story, he can NEVER achieve the happy ending he's always wanted, because the program will always be bugged because of HIM.

suddenly too, all the little changes that have happened in the story thus far make so much sense. all of those events happening EARLIER than they should have completely tracks.

the choices lloyd made - to defeat neumann, defeat lacona, go to cremo, go to the capital - pushed javier's presence ahead, and i know that's like really really obvious, but coupled with this bug analogy i feel insane because

something that's very common in programming in general are function calls, where on the side you have the function written out all complete, and in your main code you can just say the name of the function. when it compiles, itll know what to refer to when it sees the name in your main code.

something else thats very common is conditionals! y'know, your classic "if (comparison here) then do (this thing here) else (do this thing here)", you might have seen this before (or not, im not sure how well versed tged tumblr is on programming which is why im explaining this)

and u think back to javier being there EARLY and oh. ooohh....

if (javier.location == magentano.event_location(banquet)) {

kyle_betrayal(alicia);

}

this function, this betrayal, was called early. THIS WAS CALLED EARLY because a certain character object, lloyd frontera, changed the state of javier's location way sooner than it should have happened. a bug. a bug. a bug. a bug made the code jump to this conditional. he's been a bug this whole time

and you think to when the glitches on javier first started appearing and oh. oooohhh. the object referred to as javier, disabled the "protagonist" variable on him and passed it onto lloyd. but that won't do, because all these functions for the ENTIRE STORY rely on javier's class object. how can it call on lloyd instead? lloyd should have been freed, aka the memory storing his little array of data, should have been REMOVED. CAUSE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE

theres more examples of this throughout the whole story that maybe ill list another day (as much as im yapping about it, its really not that hard/deep on figuring out where things were called early lol) but yeah yeah yeah. yeah this is so so evil and i cant believe i didnt put two and two together earlier. this analogy is SO EVIL WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS TO ME

apologies for the jargon btw. i have no idea if i explained this right or if anyone else really knows what im talking about but i've been losing it over this for the entire weekend ALKDFJLSDKF

WHATS WORSE IS THAT IVE BEEN CALLING LLOYD A BUG FOR LIKE. ACTUAL MONTHS. I WOULD REFER TO HIM AS A CREATURE AND AS A LITTLE ITTY BITTY BUG AND NOW I FEEL SO SO TERRIBLE BECAUSE HE REALLY WAS A BUG. I MADE A SHITPOST AND EVERYTHING (that ill prolly post later) THAT I HAD NO IDEA WOULD. AGE POORLY SOB SOB SOB

I AM SO SO SORRY LLOYD. I DIDN'T KNOW I DIDN'T KNOW I DIDN'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sniffle,,, sob,,, anyway,,, thats enough yapping about bugs and programming and lloyd being a bug,,, back to the anguish

the following section is just. god ow ow OW. the shaking linework, the shadows setting in at the top with the dramatic bottom lighting, and the blur on javier as he loses focus and starts truly, truly panicking makes me INSANE. artist you're making me CRAZY!!!

javier truly has no idea either but god dammit he's trying his best to help, but how can lloyd explain this to the man whos completely and utterly loyal to him to the point of sincere devotion? if lloyd tells him, whos to say that javier - the martyr that he is - won't just give up his life for him? god that's so... GOD. GOD GOD GOD WHY AGHHH

AND AGGHHH AGGGHHHH THE FLASHBACKS TO THE P PANELS OF SUHO WORKING SO SO HARD TO REACH THE LIGHT. GOD FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK

ITS DIMMER ITS HARDER TO REACH AND OH MY GOD THE PANEL OF LLOYD REACHING UP EVEN IN HIS PANIC TOWARDS HOPE. THE THOUGHT THAT "ITLL GET BETTER ONE DAY" COMFORTED HIM AND KEPT HIM ALIVE BUT NOW ITS BEING RIPPED FROM HIM I FEEL ILL. EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL

this panel of that light going out . not much words on this i just feel sick to my stomach. why would u do that.

and finally at the end of the chapter we have this incredibly HAUNTING panel of lloyd panicking. the despair here is UNREAL. the lineart is shaken and messy and scribbly, and the focus on his face and his hand gives the panel a very claustrophobic and hard-to-breathe feel and it makes mE SICK!!! IT MAKES ME SICK!!! SICK AND TWISTED!!!! JEWEL OF TRUTH I HATE YOU!!!!!!!

anyway that's all my thoughts for right now . i really really hope they figure out a loophole or something . if they dont im actually gonna keel over and die /j not literally but yknow what i mean

SICK AND TWISTED!!! is my final word on this ep

thanks for joining me in hell ill see yall next week salute emoji

[fiberglassandflowers]

Hey idk if there’s some master post about mbts but if there is may I please ask where and if not could I perhaps humbly request a description because it sounds cool as FUCK

omg yayy okay so there's not a masterpost as of now (though there is a google doc in the works that will probably be. very big) BUT i will try to give a brief rundown. underneath a readmore 👍

OK SO. IN SUMMARY

MARY BELL TOWNSHIP: more like mary bell CLOWNSHIT ha ha. heavy surveillance like everywhere (including in peoples homes. how fun). it's also got some like radiation stuff going on. all the residents are a lil radiation poisoned But it's mostly fine. also the town moves and i dont know why.

VANNIE OVERTURE: based on suburbia overture. the mayor who is a vampire. major control freak. sucks shit. like most of the reason mary bell is the way it is. permasmile swag. has killed before. hates when people are weird freaks and is actively passive aggressive if not outright aggressive.

TRIP LETWO: based on 2econd 2ight 2eer. world's silliestguy contrarian and infamous public nuisance. deeply tortured individual but shes dealing with it i guess. physically cant leave mary bell township. he has too much goddamn lore

LYDIE LAPLACE: based on laplace's angel. so lame. just deeply lame. killed a guy and got kicked out of office building heaven (laplace's inc. id give this its own section but it doesnt really matter all that much). i dont ever think about it unfortunately im sorry women.

MINA BYRD: based on i/me/myself. very sweet very nice. ladybugpilled socialanxietycel. doesnt have a whole lot going on but she is nice im glad shes there. im gonna have a significant relationships section of this but im saying that shes roommates with lia here bc its not really significant otherwise

WALTER LEE: based on ...well, better than the alternative. worlds first cis father to be a butch lesbian. probably a girl but she doesnt know that. weird nostalgia issues so bad his wife left him.

DOTTY LEE: ten years old. strange little girl but i dont really think about it a lot. not much else to say about her really.

LIA CRATES: based on outliars and hyppocrates. her name is pronounced like lie-uh cray-tees not lee-ah crayts. i have to clear this up because i realized most people were wrong LMAO. a little mean but not so much when you get to know her.

WARREN LEARY: based on blackboxwarrior. actually the worst therapist you will EVER meet. isnt even licensed. you book a session with her and she only talks about herself the entire time. constantly referencing a dark and contradictory past.

MARSHA TILLIS: based on marsha, thankk you for the dialectics. slightly better therapist! still not that good. has the spirit of an old man despite being in his 40s. will begin to psychoanalyze your behavior upon the first thirty seconds of knowing you.

NORMAN LEE: based on love, me normally. guy trying really really hard to be a regular guy. has a loooot of problems that stem from this. hugest people pleaser the world has ever known. a little bit offputting. has hair symbolism :-)

MORTIMER: based on memento mori. doesn't have a last name. worlds silliest grim reaper death thing. works in the death division for laplace's inc. lived a pretty normal life. then it died :-(. more here

FERN O'DYNAMIC: based on thermodynamic lawyer. hates his bitch wife (who is a praying mantis for. unknown reasons? will elaborate). just has a lot of anger inside him and doesnt know how to deal with it so he takes it out on other people. he kind of sucks but he's a neat character.

MIRANDA WRIGHT: the person being sung about in thermodynamic lawyer. bug wife (i can blame anything on radiation). she wasnt always a bug she just kinda did that idk. there's not much about her but she's an etymologist.

COTARD LETWO: based on cotard's solution. she has so many problems oh my gooood. deeply lonely person. fascinated with the macabre. its like coping mechanism that makes you worse. im insane about her writing a basic description is so difficult fkdjsfhsjd

RAMONA MCLAREN: based on red moon + hand me my shovel (though the latter was included later on bc it fit her). worlds most intelligent and stupid single celled organism. patheticswag. absolutely batshit insane. attempting to solve the end of the world.

KUIPER SUNSHINE: based on dr sunshine is dead. uh. i dont really know much about her to be honest SORRY... its really silly though + haver of prophetic dreams that she is NOT transparent about. fucks with people a lot just for funsies

COLIN THESIER: based on cover this song. girl who used to be in a band but got kicked out bc of friend drama. survivor of a toxic codependent queer friendship. trying to be a better person bc she used to suck pretty bad unfortunately. a bit more here

theres like a couple more characters but none of them are really important enough to give their own sections. debbie letwo is trip and cotards mom, laplace is the head of laplace's inc, maude is walter's ex wife who left him (heres the scoop on that).

OK NOTABLE CHARACTER DYNAMICS TIME:

VANNIE/NORMAN: norman has been pretending to be a normal dude this whole time + vannie totally fell for it. normans stuck in this friendship bc hes too much of a people pleaser to break it off even though vannie actively drains him emotionally. also he feels validated by vannie thinking hes normal. its so awful im so insane about their dynamic

VANNIE/TRIP: THEY HAAAATE EACH OTHER. their entire core beliefs are at odds (guy who thinks everyone should do their best to conform vs. guy who loves being a weird freak and doing fuck all). their dynamic is honestly pretty simple in comparison but theyre so petty and stupid its insane. if you put them alone in the same room one of them isnt coming out

TRIP/NORMAN: theyre gay together. there's a weird lore thing about the way relationships are handled in mary bell but long story short theres paperwork that has to be filled out if you want to be registered for one and trip thinks its really funny for xem and norman to constantly break up so they'll have to fill out the paperwork because it fucks with vannie. theyre also kind of awful and tragic

WALTER/DOTTY: that is a father and his daughter. walters trying his best and hes doing well but nothing would have been better than just moving out of mary bell township to raise his child.

WALTER/NORMAN: they’re brothers 👍 not much else to say there but they’re cool

WALTER/MAUDE: already linked a more in-depth explanation of their deal but ill summarize it here. maude thought living in mary bell township was really bad for a child (and it is) but since walter has issues about idealizing his childhood he was like "whaaat well i was raised here and im fine" and they fought about it and once it became clear walter wasnt changing his mind maude figured shed just spare herself from all of it. so she left 💯

WARREN/MARSHA: what if the two worst therapists ever were queerplatonic and violated hipaa together. also what if one of them [marsha] was helping the other [warren] because they're on the run from the law. would that be crazy or what

FERN/MIRANDA: actually awful. they really want to divorce but trip and norman keep clogging up the paperwork so theyre on a waiting list forever. their relationship was really good at one point but its not anymore :-( more info here

NORMAN/FERN: fern haaates norman because of the previously mentioned paperwork debacle but normans ass cant deal with the thought of anyone disliking him so hes just been really trying to get on his good side to no avail. also theyre coworkers so its more relevant

MORTIMER/TRIP: man how do i even summarize this one. due to lore reasons that you can read about in the link provided in trips session they have a super weird dynamic present day. or at least on trips end, mortimer is just super friendly to them and it wigs her out.

TRIP/COTARD: OUGUIGHJ. AOAUYFGDSFHSJ. tragic sibliiings. man i dont even know if i can go into this. go here and here if you want to learn more about them. jesus

COTARD/COLIN: frienndsss :-] classic extrovert forcing themselves into introverts life trope a little bit. they play music together and its great. mina's also in their little group but the two of them are closer

KUIPER/RAMONA: have been described by my friend as being "nonromantic freak4freak" and this is true. theyre working together on the end of the world stuff. they also rope cotard into it but thats lore i havent talked much about yet. go here and here for more info about them.

that might??????? be it?????? if there's more ill update it but thats the general basics i think. thank you for being interested and hopefully reading i greatly appreciate it :-)

[system-of-a-feather]

Bless the caretaker-like parts in our system - myself included. Autistic communication issues and a neurotypical (well intended) "up by the boot straps" boomer for a mentor at work has spawned a really passively triggering situation socially that some deep part from the other side system (probably) is really set off by and randomly the body just has this sense of dread and flight instinct that just is urging us to pivot plans, find a different new job, and flee the issue when its HONESTLY not that big of an issue and not that atypical of one NOR an issue we don't have the communication coping skills and what not to handle

But even so, the triggered terror of the mysterious passive influencing part is real and its taxing (and also keeping me somewhat up rn, Im gonna do our protocol for calming to sleep when triggered since we do need to get a decent number of hours to actually set us up for a good day at work tomorrow so we can handle it) and so Lin and I have been floating around the front especially when it gets set off to just calmly reassure them that it is fine, it is relatively a normal work stressor, and that we are more than capable of handling it without making any sudden life plan switch ups and even if we NEEDED to switch it up, we are more thab capable of doing that too.

That said the resurgence of overt trauma symptoms is a bitch when your system has only had moderate and light trauma centered symptoms for a hot minute. How the FUCK was this our GREAT days like 4-6 years ago.

How the FUCK was our standard day like at least twice as rough as today has been, which has been one of the hardest in what I WANT to say is 6 months (XIV might argue otherwise but its at the very least Up There)

*exasperated sigh* At least we are fluctuating between surviving and living which all things considered is not that bad even if it fluctuates WITHIN the day and causes whiplash.

but gooooood the "just survive" crash when you havent been operating in survival mode much lately

Shit sucks man.

[transmasc-wizard]

Would you like to talk about mack?? :D

i WOULD

unfortunately, this will not be :D . this will be D:

tw : familial abandonment, drug use & dealing (doesnt go into huge detail but its mentioned), manipulation/shitty friends, depression, self-worth issues, self-destructive behaviour

so mack (it/any btw) is a character who is very convinced he has already gone through his Character Arc(TM) and doesn't need any more help with his issues. and like, he absolutely got over a lot of issues he used to have, but a lot of other ones were just... pushed down to a place where it can pretend those problems don't exist anymore.

mack was shunned by its whole family when they were turned into a vampire at 15 by their manipulative and shitty vampire "friends", and ran away shortly after. they almost immediately fell into a group of shady people, since that was what it was used to. mostly, these people broke a lot of laws to have a lot of quite-dangerous-in-retrospect parties. illegal fireworks, irresponsible drug use, dares like "play chicken but with cars instead of swings", that sorta thing. mack knew at least 2 people who died at these things and it was not uncommon for them to wake up six blocks away with a memory gap of several hours

this went on for 2-3 years, im not quite sure, until one day mack watched One More person die at a party and was like . hey . maybe this isn't a good use of my life. and he just... ran away again? not in the same way, but he just ghosted everyone she knew and had to start over. it had a lot of shady/sneaky skills from times it used to help w drug dealing, so it put those skills into working on not-super-legal issues but in a significantly safer context (essentially scamming billionaires).

at this time, around age 18 or so, Mack was also loitering a lot at a cafe frequented by university students. at this spot was where Mack met the then-20 and extremely optimistic (lmao) James, a first-year theoretical physics major. when James (Sufferinf w/ rent) realized mack was homeless, he offered to let it stay with him, and mack then officially had a living space ! hurrah. this was the point where mack went "okay so clearly i am now okay. i have a house, food, a less-illegal-than-before job, and am not actively and dangerously using drugs or doing horrifically reckless things. im normal!" and shoved all their issues under the rug

those issues included the fact that by this point mack was just. incapable of showing negative emotions, bc they thought no one would love them if they did bc they'd be too much of a burden. (this is heightened by the fact their chronic pain started at 17.) then there's also the insistence that their constant exhaustion, apathetic feelings, and deep fear of getting close to people is Normal And Fine, their fear of any person who presents themself as a parental or otherwise familial figure, their feelings that it's not worth anything if it can't make others constantly happy, and her inability to cope with anything that she doesn't know how to bullshit through.

by the time the story starts, Mack and James have collected 2 more roommates (Leah and Spacey) (and they will get Val next ofc). James is... significantly more tired and significantly less optimistic, which also makes Mack feel more like she's in control (like, see, even JAMES is doing bad! so surely it's just the average stress of life. i'm ok. never once does he consider James is just also crumbling till like halfway through the book, and that is actually a tense side of their friendship). mack is very very convinced that since it's not actively putting itself in danger twice a week, it's FINE, and no one has to WORRY, and--

then val comes along and kinda. forcibly makes him realize he is not ok. and funky story things ensue :3

[whorewithagodcomplex]

sweetheart,

i love ya, but I'm not doing that for the rest of my life, no sir,

everyone knows not to marry into that, and its kinda common sense not to date someone with your type of addiction and just walk away, like we all know its never gonna work if youre constantly making your partner feel like shit because youre always lusting of the things you so desperately want, and yeah you may say that 'your're better, real, youre my love theyre just pictures, theyre just videos, ect) but we all know you wish it was them you could have when your gazing longingly and thirstly at those pictures, you create relationships with all these women, i just happen to be in person version added to the collection, its nasty, and its horrible knowing this will likely never change, cause its 'not that bad' its 'a comfort thing' 'i was alone for so long' and i have to live feeling like im always competing with them, i cant escape them, im so fucking tired of being paranoid that the person i love is going to always be looking at something more appealing, its awful, that constant pit in your stomach everytime hes lookin at a female character a little too closely, or when the girls are everywhere for him, camera roll, most social media, even his wallpapers on all devices, sure theres a photo of you two, sure as a homescreen but its really just a sunset photo and we're hidden in a low corner hidden by apps, and the never paying that close attention to you, you learn as much as you can about him listen to every word he says but doesnt care to know about you, with the exception of major plot points he knows nothing about what you like and why you like it, its either you rarely get a chance to speak, or youre perpetually cut off, or just simply ignored when speaking about yourself, but, he knows everything they say, knows every little detail, their backstories are phenominal and look how hot they are, he wont really say that to you anymore youve shown you dislike, but you know, you always know, so you try your best to be pretty and good enough to be wanted like he wants them, but you never get wanted like that, to be fair you never did, this was the first time someone is showing they love you and want you, but of course if i wasnt wantable before him what makes me wantable now? yknow all his needs are met by them and his ablilty to do so much with them that he feels no need to pay any mind to you beyond the physical and guidance, yeah he loves you, you know that hes shown that, but is it worth the mental and emotional exhaustion it takes to fight for a normal relationship? one where we both feel happy? i know theres no way he isnt miserable too, the contant bickering the anxiety of fucking up, but c'mon man, if you cope properly, like by speaking (without lashing out) to someone when things are too much, not falling further into an obsessive chemical pick-me-up addiction and honestly this sex obsession, youd do so much better, but you wont because its one of them hidden addictions that no one but your friends and people youre close to know about, by your choice, and you think that means its totally fine, because I'll stick around regardless right? cause i have this long and im making life plans with you and i love you more than youll ever know and as long as i dont see it' or notice it its fine, it wont kill me, youll keep going until im about to cut my losses and you promise and youll try you really will, but itll creep back and we'll be back at square one, or youll get better at hiding it from me, youre already pretty good at it now, ill bet money that if i got 3 hours and all your passwords id find cia sized files everywhere and id puke and cry myself to sleep for months, and i know youll only get better at it, and i dont want to be paranoid that your girls are still around my whole life, what kind of example am i setting for my daughters if i just let myself live like that, god id kill my son-in-law if he made her feel like that, honestly id kill him for most of the things youve done, so why am i letting it happen to me???

[askaborderline]

Hello. I had a friend for about three years who split on me out of nowhere and has ghosted me… I was wondering if you had any advice on how to handle someone splitting on you.

On the opposite note, ive been feeling myself split on one of my fp’s because they have been giving me minimal replies and talking to me less and less. I know it’s probably a lost cause for the friendship but I was wondering if you had advice on splitting on others as well?

And last, related to the other, do you have advice for coping with friend’s becoming distant? It seems like it happens no matter what I do, and I feel like theres no hope for long lasting friendships for me… I feel like im only there to be a hyper fixation or a fad, and then they get bored with me…

I am scared of lashing out when upset and cutting the friendships off altogether. Thankfully ive been using the BPD skills from your blog to control my actions, but its still hard to handle when it’s something that happens repeatedly…

Honestly, it sucks to hear and it sucks even more that it's true, but the truth is that even "normal", neurotypical people lose most of the friends they make. It just takes the right combination of people to stay together for basically their whole lives, one that's pretty rare, and a lot of these things don't last, and that's fine. The problem is that with BPD, it gets really hard to see it as anything other than evidence you're unloveable or whatever, and it's even harder to keep permanent friends bc people are scared away by "freaky disorder", but you will find some if you keep looking.

You're doing good by focusing on BPD skills! I'm sure that is helping a lot.

When someone is splitting on you, I've found it's often good to give them space. This applies to you splitting on people well. Usually some distance from the situation proves really illuminating, and it helps stop either party from saying pretty regrettable things. Also keep in mind that splitting is often temporary, so try to leave room for your friend to come back - they may not, so do not build it up as a certainty, but leave them the opportunity if you want them in your life still. Splitting is not always permanent, especially if the reason is not too huge.

As for your distancing friend, I would honestly just directly ask them about it. It may have nothing to do with you - they may just have less energy than before, they might be busier, they might be buried under work, etc. There could be a large number of reasons, and it's better to just ask instead of trying to mull over the possibilities with their input. I will say that most relationships tend to "calm down" a bit after the initial buzz of meeting - the "honeymoon phase" things applies with friendships too, and just because everything isn't as energetic as before doesn't mean you're a mere hyperfixation or they're going to abandon you. You've just become part of their routine, instead of being an unusual thing, and that's actually good I think :)

I hope everything gets better for you.

[bubblegumnnebula]

Saying just teenagers feel this way and immediately shutting down any discussion comes of a bit infantilizing. Even so teens are also entitled to opinions. Rape fantasies are normal thats true, but no expert says to actually go out and find someone to roleplay it with or share them on the internet where anyone, including real rapists and creeps can read it and get off on it. Exposure therapy is meant to be done by therapists not your self proclaimed sadistic partner. You can heal from sa without using self harming coping mechs that force you to get turned on instead of triggered by it. and creating dark themes in your work does not indicate your moral but the way you you do it can definitely say something about you. Compare outlast, a disgustingly gorey horror game thats still really good and well done even with its themes of sa, mutilation, mental illness to that one horror game that came out on steam where the entire plotline is just raping women of your choice💀

I like certain dark themes but to be fair the entire market has been saturated with horribly written rape and incest fantasies veiled under dark romance💀 and with the increase in AI porn, even done by young boys of their fellow classmates. Im all for teens stating their discomfort around certain sexual topics.

I really hate to be the one to tell you this, but rape rarely has anything to do with being horny or getting off. Rape is about power, it’s about taking control over someone and taking away someone’s bodily autonomy.

The fact you don’t realize that proves even further that you lot are too immature to be in this conversation.

Even further, I can guarantee with 100% certainty a rapist isn’t going on the internet to read FANFICTION about rape/sa, they’re going out and actually doing it. They’re going into incel forums and talking about someone (most likely a woman) is inferior to them, and how they’ve “gotten out of line” and “needs to remember their place” (again, taking control. Power. Not getting off)

A rapist isn’t going to bother reading or writing a random fanfiction with dark content, they’re going out and actually raping people.

Yeah, you can dislike it, but keep that shit to yourself. Block the tags. I’ve had them blocked for years and completely moved on with my life. What people write in the internet is none of my business (because shocker!! it has no effect on real life people) , and it shouldn’t be any of yours.

Again, there are no victims and no one is being harmed when someone writes a non-consent fanfiction about a random ass fictional character

A lot of woman have rape fantasies, even if they aren’t victims. Spoiler alert: when someone is performing a rape fantasy or writing a non-consent story, the person is STILL VERY MUCH CONSENTING TO BE A PART OF THE SITUATION

The fact you likened AI porn -which someone has lost consent to their bodily autonomy, just like rape- to writing fantasies of fictional scenarios involving fictional people is frankly disgusting and you should be ashamed.

Why the fuck do you care so much about what people are doing in their free time if it isn’t harming anyone. Get a job. Get a hobby. Read a book. Help a child. Pick some flowers.

Better yet, take your unwarranted moralistic outrage and help actual victims. The fact you never mentioned victims or a systemic problem outside of harmless fantasies proves you don’t actually care about victims, you just don’t like dark content because it makes you uncomfortable. Which is fine, but don’t disguise your dislike by saying dark content is morally or ethically wrong when no one is being harmed in the process. Just be uncomfortable, maybe rant about it to a couple of mutuals in DMs, block the tags, and move on.

[goremet-chef]

trying to control my emotions is so difficult man, like i can be honest with myself and lay out the whole truth, but that little voice inside me will always be like "okay, but what if we dont know the whole truth? what if something happened we dont know about and our fear is completely warranted?"

its sad because its not like.. the 'little voice' isnt an alter or something, its just ME. i bring myself so much misery, i feel so ashamed. i cant believe im our host. i bring all of us down, and im not even being dramatic or anything, i genuinely do. im selfish, and my method of coping with reality is to LEAVE it, when someone else fronts im biting my lip waiting to crawl back into front and take me out of here. i stop our social alters from even ATTEMPTING to be social because im too scared of the consequences (even if its just part of life, it rips my soul apart to be rejected, im so tired of being seen as weird)

its honestly kind of impressive, but despite all this fear that ties me down to the floor, i cant i CAN NOT ask if somethings wrong

i cant do it, because thats admitting defeat. thats me saying 'yeah ill be honest im sure nothing has happened on your end, but ive been drowning myself in anxiety and i need validation that my fear is for nothing like how you probably think it is'

i cant keep doing that. i hate being such a piece of work!!!! its never simple with me, everythings always fine until it literally isnt. ive convinced myself my friends, my closest bestest best besties, ALL hate me and ive been so depressed only for them to act completely normal and then i realize oh actually they dont and i was sad for nothing :] okay!

like. i just.

the last time i was ever open about how i was feeling, was when i was in contact with my groomer. i loved him i think, and i felt like i should be open with him, because he was my FP and the amount of crying i did every day was so pathetic

that was when i learned i had bpd and thats why i acted the way i did, and so i tried to be more open about it because i heard that i should and it would be good for my relationships, but all it did was make him tired with me, tired that i was constantly scared and asking if he still liked me

that was a bad time for me, i cant ignore that. being in constant contact with him was basically just giving me trauma every single day. my system was SO active trying to manage the stress, it was bad. i cant just blame myself for how i was acting, because it was a terrible horrible situation that i dont wish on anyone else, but man i wish i did things different

but like?? its like no matter the option i pick, its still the same!!! different outcome but shitty nonetheless

do i open up and tell the people i love that oh actually im really scared and im constantly afraid you dont love me anymore? or do i just. sit with the pain.

if i tell them, best case they tell me 'no dom, we still love you' and thats that, worst case they get annoyed with me, they see me as too much to handle, they pity me because something is clearly wrong with me

if i dont, then i do exactly what i do now, which is just wallowing in self hate and loneliness for 3 whole days, waiting for something thats not gonna happen because i havent fucking COMMUNICATED that i want it

i think technically, being open is the way to go. if i hadnt been stuck in such a shitty situation with a person like BRIAN then i wouldve probably seen better outcome. im open that i have BPD, so people should be aware what theyre getting into. if they stay despite knowing, they care about me, i know this is true. a lot of people book it once they hear you have any sort of cluster-b personality disorder because they immediately assume yr some kind of abuser, so this already is a good thing that i have people open enough to not immediately classify me as one and run

i just get scared like. what if i ask if somethings wrong and something IS wrong?? what if its my fault? id be so ashamed in myself. i dont have enough experience in human interaction to know how to fully like. handle that situation, the unknown outcome is what scares me the most

[fearowkenya]

it's the time of year where I feel very like...boxed in??? okay hold on

so like everyone else who has adhd mine has its own exclusive flavor and weirdness that manifests itself in its own Cute And Quirky Teehee ways that arent universal to everyone w adhd. mine specifically makes it so that the amount of energy / willpower i have to put effort into literally anything is directly proportionate to how much light there is outside. it doesnt have to be SUNNY , just naturally bright.

anyway as you may or may not know im up in canada where it is currently 4:41PM and is nearly dark, and will continue to get darker earlier and earlier until like three quarters through december. so already , not great for me and my fuckign plant-life-wannabe of a brain .

to compound this, i also slow down when it’s cold. that part is normal i think. its not uncommon to want to swaddle yourself in a nest of blankets when temperatures start to drop esp if its like -40 but it DOES make moving around a little more challenging. so like not only do i have to put in the effort to like, do each step of whatever task or activity i am attempting to do, but i also have to pry myself out of Soft Warm Bed which becomes an additional step in making aforementioned whatever the fuck happen. and if u are at all familiar w adhd you know that when the step count gets too high your odds of doing anything other than staring at a wall get slimmer and slimmer unless youve got a damn good workaround for your own brand of brain nonsense

im also one of those ppl who constantly has cold hands , so stuff that requires fine motor skills like art can be tough to start working on when my fingers have the mobility of two fistfuls of freezies.

ive gotten fairly good at finding ways to do things that accommodate my adhd but once winter hits thats when i get boxed in. it’s dark out early, so getting anything done after sunset is like wading thru sludge. then the sludge fucking freezes solid because its cold out, and even if by some miracle im able to like idk draw, my hands feel stiff bc of the cold and makes everything harder. so its like this uphill battle to do fucking Anything when im a sludgecicle. its way easier to do Nothing instead of trying to fight my way out, like the amount of effort it takes is SO frustrating.

‘hey idiot have you tried turning the heater on’ yeah dude i know but i still gotta get outta bed and wait for my fingers to not feel like a bunch of frozen baby carrots before anything gets done, and jsut the thought of that when im nice n warm in blankets is an enormous deterrent and it fucking sucks!!

im super fed up w that happening to me every damn winter so i guess i’ll start to work on throwing together some kinda coping mechanism and hope smth sticks.

since i moved my furniture a while back, my heater is right next to my desk so at least i’ll warm up faster when it starts to be like minus a billion degrees. i have no fucking clue what i am going to do about the uhh (checks notes) reliance that my brain has on the literal actual sun. i have one of those sun lamps that i suppose i can try to use more often?? idk if thats going to trick my brain into thinking it’s actually bright outside so stay tuned i guess. or dont im not your dad

[plounce]

what if gay CATS........... were gay PERSONS

(info on this au under the cut)

theyre all shitty young adults just kind of. getting through their early 20s as best they can. or as much as they can. maybe things will get better someday, but right now they’re kind of spinning their wheels

magic exists but like eh it’s not a big thing don’t worry about it. it’s around but like whatever. not many people have it and it’s mostly just like. a curiosity or a party trick

demeter and bombularina are together, tugger and mistoffelees are together, bombularina and tugger occasionally fwb, it’s cool and aboveboard and it’s all fine

demeter:

bisexual with a preference for women. 24 years old

semi-psychic (not as powerful as tantomile or coricopat). tends to have vague and confusing prophetic dreams

dropped out of grad school for sociology due to trauma and ensuing intensified mental illness. kind of bitter about it, but tries to get through every day. general anxiety disorder even before all that

very nervous around most men she doesn’t know & trust

currently working at a barnes & noble starbucks, which sucks. she recently became the assistant manager, which turbo sucks because now she has more work for only like a buck raise, but at least she’s getting reliable shifts

her go-to therapy is cutting her hair with scissors. her hair is fried to all hell from regular bleaching

she’s learning how to crochet because she’s decided she needs to do something physically productively creative with her hands to distract herself from Stuff

bombalurina:

bisexual. 24 years old

got her bachelor’s in english two years ago and hasn’t found a job in her field and has kind of given up on it for now

she’s been bartending for like four years, does freelance editing work on the side. will occasionally write listicles for clickbait sites if she needs extra cash

literally any extra money she can save goes to tattoos. her right sleeve’s almost done

has natural red hair but dyes it cherry red

a hedonist to cope but is also just a natural hedonist. likes a good bath

i know that like the typical thing fandoms say about female characters is “doesn’t take shit” for the girlboss points but she truly does not take shit anymore. she used to take people’s shit sometimes but at this point in her life she’s tired and she has a girlfriend to be protective of. she has a couple people whose shit she will take (mostly just tugger) but besides them (and having to practice basic customer service to keep her job) she’s tired of other people’s shit! enough!

my personal take on bombalurina is a mix between the riot grrrls of the 90s and 80s punk girls, and then a dash of the greaser chicks from grease. i saw that spiked collar and my brain went OH okay i can run with this somewhere fun. same for demeter, but less so - she just has the piercings.

demelurina:

bombalurina met demeter in college at a women’s activism club, noticed her because of her dimple piercings and was like “oh someone else with a lot of metal in her face, i’ll sit next to her”

they were each other’s first off-campus roommates and were close friends. made out a couple times, but it was mostly a lot of sexual tension. there was a lot of bombalurina staring at demeter while she or demeter made out with someone else

demeter was on and off with her high school boyfriend munkustrap and bombalurina was like “oh he’s so much more stable/calm than me and she needs that, i party a bit too much for her, i shouldn’t try anything” so she just sort of. lets their almost-there peter off

(this is all bombalurina’s internal thoughts - demeter always was interested in her, but thought she was too boring for bombalurina. so neither of them thought they could pursue it)

bombalurina graduated and moved somewhere cheaper further away from campus. they kind of drift apart

munkustrap and demeter peter off and he moves away for a job (they’re still good friends, it was a very amicable breakup) and then demeter gets with macavity, which is a deeply toxic situation for her and sucks hugely and throws her whole life really off track. won’t go into further details

she finally manages to break up with him and calls bombalurina at like 2 am asking if she can pick her up, and also if she can sleep on her couch, it’s okay if that’s not okay, she just. really needs a place she feels safe, and her gut is telling her to. and of course bombalurina says yes

bombalurina also knew macavity and had also made out a couple times with him at like parties and stuff (see: staring at demeter as she makes out with people). something about transference of feelings - bombalurina was into him for a couple moments because he and demeter had a thing.

this is due to me interpreting the song “macavity” as actually about bombalurina wanting to fuck demeter and her singing as a half-repressed expression of that. i use my really good wlw brain to reach that conclusion. it’s kind of a non-competitive version of eve sedgwick’s take on the love triangle. (<-- normal thing to say)

but anyway demeter stays on bombalurina’s couch and she tries so hard to stay on track but eventually she just has to drop out. bombalurina helps her with that too. she’s just really supportive even as demeter’s life is at its lowest point. when she gets home from bartending she gets demeter to go to sleep

she just Stays with her and makes her smile and reminds her that her life isn’t over, there’s still things in her day to enjoy, to keep her trudging forward

bombalurina is roommates with tugger at this point - he also recently dropped out and demeter knows him because he’s munkustrap’s brother, so he’s Trusted and also is like “hey it’s okay that you dropped out, im here and im chilling and you like me and respect me at least a little, and you have a bachelor’s degree at least!” (more on him later)

demeter is like “oh god ive been crashing at their place for so long not paying rent, theyre gonna ask me to leave, im such a freeloader, they wont take my attempts at paying rent” but then bombalurina and tugger are like “hey! the lease is almost up! we found a pretty good 3 bedroom, do you wanna have your own room for real?” and she nearly cries because 1. the RELIEF 2. oh my god you want me around???

cut to bombalurina helping demeter put together an ikea dresser (tugger got banished to the kitchen to make crystal light lemonade for them because he’s useless with a screwdriver) and demeter has two epiphanies:

1. i thought i was ready to d*e four months ago and here i am making a dresser to put clothes into in my new apartment where i live and feel safe and loved. im still not happy but im still alive and im making a dresser

2. holy fuck im back in love with my best friend, and ten times more than i was back then.

so she like kind of freaks out because she’s already imposed so much on bombalurina, how could she impose her FEELINGS on her like this, oh no oh no oh no

meanwhile bombalurina’s back in love with her even MORE and she’s also like no... she’s already dealing with so much... i don’t want to make her uncomfortable or feel unsafe in her own home especially after her recent relationship trauma... i just want her to feel safe around me...

you might think tugger as their roommate would be like “JUST KISS” but he is in fact pretty oblivious because he is self-absorbed. mistoffelees on the other hand..

eventually they do have a big confession of feelings after demeter has a bad day and it’s very dramatic and they make out in the rain. and it’s like. well this is a movie scene. but also im cold and damp. let’s head inside our home and get warm and dry :)

and then they go inside and and talk through everything, all their feelings (not just their romantic feelings but like ALL their feelings) and their shared histories and bombalurina is like “do you think you’re... ready for a relationship right now? like that would be a good thing for you?”

and demeter considers it. she does stop and think. and then she says, “with anyone else... probably not. but it’s you. and i feel so safe around you, and we’re already so close. you make the future feel more worth it. you make more days alive feel not just tolerable, but something to look forward to. and knowing you’ve loved me all this time... it’s nice. it’s good. i’m - i’m understating it so much, it’s more than nice, it’s just - it’s a lot. i wish i had noticed back then.” “hey, hey, don’t blame yourself. i’m the one who never said anything.”

anyway. everything works out, and they start dating for real :)

tugger:

bisexual. 22 years old

dishwasher at the same bar bombalurina works at. she got him the job. he keeps bugging her to teach him bartending tricks and on slow nights she will agree to

he dropped out of their four year, but he managed to secure an associate’s in communications before he dipped

trying to be an ig influencer hotboy and hopefully get modeling jobs from that but his phone’s camera sucks shit so his account isn’t really going anywhere. but he continues to post his low resolution shirtless selfies

trying to cope with being the failure son who does not have a fancy nonprofit job with a salary and healthcare by being self-absorbed and self-aggrandizing

it works about 60% of the time and 60% of the times that it doesn’t he’s able to hide it

he dropped out right around when bombalurina graduated and he was like HEY! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE WHO DOESN’T CARE IF WE LIVE TEN MILES AWAY FROM CAMPUS? WELL HAVE I GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU: ME!

to which bombalurina (who has fooled around with him here and there and thinks he is funny little man and genuinely goodhearted, and also he has rockin abs as a plus) says munkustrap already asked me if i need a roommate and if i do to consider you, because you don’t want to move back home. in other words: yes, you little idiot

they do fool around with each other but they are both very understanding that it is strictly platonic and for fun, especially once they become roommates. they both do not desire each other for anything serious

he did have a bit of a crush on each other when they met (hot punk older girl who’s friends with his brother) but 1. it dissipated pretty quick after they fooled around for the first time because it was not a very serious crush 2. she was in the middle of being in love with demeter so she was focused on that, emotionally

he got his ears pierced a couple times in high school but bombalurina inspired him to get a couple more. she went with him when he got his nose pierced

demeter has always understood that him and bombalurina are strictly fwb, has never been an issue.

she and him like to bleach their hair together when their hair schedules line up (he bleaches his way less often then she does), but she refuses to use his fancy conditioner that keeps his hair unfried because it’s expensive, even though he tells her to go ahead and use it, please, the health of her hair is giving HIM anxiety, demeter please. please demeter

mistoffelees:

gay. 20 years old

has magic. it’s pretty good magic but again: magic is not a big deal in this concept

a bit spooky. skulks around. a bit of a bitch but also very very nice. chooses when to speak

he has postings on craigslist and fiverr about finding lost objects and people with magic. like a gig economy private detective

side job is a waiter at a fancy restaurant

sometimes he gets paid VERY well from the private detecting, depending on the client. he does ask his psychic friends (tantomile & coricopat) to give a quick glance over on some of the more suspicious clients just to make sure he isn’t finding someone who should not be found by that person.

doesn’t go to college. is roommates with his sister victoria, who’s a freshman and studying dance. moved into town with her so she wouldn’t have to live in the dorms by having a guaranteed roommate.

tuggoffelees:

the general vibe i want for these two is mistoffelees walking around town or driving around in his shitty toyota camry while tugger tags along because he’s bored and thinks this is cool as shit

the general tone of the au is “magic isn’t a big deal” except for tugger, who thinks mistoffelees’ magic and his magic freelancing is the coolest shit ever. this is mostly because he just likes mistoffelees. “there are people who can do cooler shit than me, tug” “yeah but i don’t KNOW them also theyre not as COOL as you” “you had to explain to me how instagram reels work”

idk how they met i just think tugger shows up at his and bombalurina’s apartment one day (this is when demeter has moved in but they havent moved to the 3br yet) with this dude to dash in and pick something up and bombalurina is like “uh. who’s this” “oh this is mistoffelees he’s SO GOOD AT MAGIC” [mistoffelees nods hello] “okay bye bombalurina see you at work!!!” “uh. later”

after that he just shows up a lot. sort of ambiguous if theyre dating or what for a while before bombalurina straight up asks like “hey does the dude you’re dating know we fool around” “the dude im - what?” “... the little magic guy who keeps using our hot cocoa mix. misty.” “oh. uh. we aren’t dating.” “... do you want to? because you’re kind of all over him constantly” “um. well! haha, if i wanted to, i could! haha!” “yeah get back to me on that”

tugger trying to use his ig clout to get mistoffelees more work even though 1. he has no clout 2. mistoffelees has a very stable client base. but mistoffelees appreciates the effort. the self-promo guy promoing someone other than himself... the highest expression of love...

mistoffelees is A Nonthreatening Man plus he’s pretty obviously gay so demeter is chill around him pretty quickly. when mistoffelees is over they’ll sit on the couch where demeter sleeps and watch documentaries quietly while she crochets

they both occasionally say spooky shit at the same time because magic stuff. bombalurina and tugger are both torn between “that was cool as fuck” and “god that’s unnerving”

just a lot of tugger following mistoffelees around on his jobs and mistoffelees letting him because he’s fond of him and them occasionally getting into minor peril and interesting shenanigans, but it is 90% fetch quests

i think the first time they met tugger was taking selfies in front of a hydrangea in a public park and he saw mistoffelees walk up with a shovel and start digging in one of the flower beds and he thought he was hot so he went over and offered to take over on the shoveling to look strong and masculine and he ended up digging up a skull, which mistoffelees picked up and said “thanks” and then walked away

mildly terrifying but also very interesting and tugger’s days are kind of boring and dishwashing kind of sucks as a job to do like every night and he is a person who thrives on novelty so. moth to a porchlight

i think they do start making out for fun here and there and then a while later theyre out on one of mistoffelees’ jobs and someone asks “who’s the guy with you” and mistoffelees replies “oh that’s my boyfriend, don’t worry about him” and then it’s like. “HUH? I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND?” “uh. yeah? i assumed. is that okay?” “i mean yeah of course i think you’re great! how long have we–” “oh like a while.” “oh. uh. cool!!”

they just hang out a lot. mistoffelees enjoys teasing him and enjoys his warmth and bombasticity and tugger likes watching and helping him solve little mysteries around the county because it’s always something new. they’re kind of a comedy duo. they just enjoy spending their time together and following mistoffelee’s internal magic gps to find lost dogs and lost necklaces

yeah right now this au is just vibes and just sort of. continuing forward with your days and your weeks and your months. just young adults hanging out

[fairycosmos]

hey, i have a sister who struggles with addiction. she moved out from our parents to my place when she turned 18, so that she could have some space and that her highs and lows wouldnt affect our younger siblings that much. but shes been going through a hard time for quite long now, which causes her to treat us around her like complete shit. her behaviour led into a pretty bad argument, which led to me driving her to our parents in the middle of the night cause i couldnt mentally or physically handle the shit she was giving me anymore. after that night, she never returned to mine and told our parents to pick her stuff and move it into a new apartment that she got for herself (which locates in the same building as her friends who she uses substances with). she hasnt reached out to me at all, even though we have been around each other and i cant bare to approach her either, cause im still upset and hurt. my mom said that shes already prepared to lose her. i heard from her friends that shes told them that if she goes unconscious, theyre not allowed to call the ambulance or try to help her. i am worried sick to my stomach everytime i think about her and i feel so powerless. my parents just say that theres nothing more we can do, she goes to psychotherapy and shes under the social services but still i feel like we should do something more to help her or to stop her from destroying herself. im so sorry if this message makes you feel uncomfortable, but since ive followed you for quite awhile and i know your experiences with these things, i would appreciate if you could help me with this situation or at least try to give me some advice, how to cope with these feelings that come from loving your sister that struggles. i dont want to lose her.

hey, i am so sorry to hear this. there's a lot i could say and a lot i want to say but can't really articulate. i don't think there's any one size fits all advice for such a complex and heartbreaking situation. i guess i'll begin with what i'm sure of, and that is that your boundaries and feelings are justified. addiction literally rewires your brain and perception of the world beyond recognition, to the point where the only thing the person cares about is their vice. it's just total tunnel vision, selfishness denial and violence on top of selfishness denial and violence. being around ppl like that, especially a loved one, is beyond exhausting, it's its own special kind of hell. like screaming at a brick wall. it's totally understandable that you had to take a step back after falling victim to her erratic, manipulative and abusive behaviour. the drug use explains it but it absolutely does not excuse it. you're really brave for putting your foot down and prioritizing your own mental stability when it all got to be too much. know you never have to regret that. having said that, it's possible for two conflicting feelings to coexist and for them both to be (for lack of a better word) valid. she's your sister - of course you're worried, of course you're terrified for her. of course you love her even while feeling like you hate her, at times. it's alright to let your emotions be illogical, to just weather the storm and let them pass through you. write it down, talk to your loved ones, maybe consider speaking to a therapist or hotline over it. it's perfectly normal to need that support and talking through your circumstances may be illuminating/lead to some personal revelations regarding how you want to approach this. ultimately, you're angry because you care. after a while i was like that too, with my sister. although i tried to let her know that i was more worried than frustrated during our conversations, sometimes i still couldn't help the internal rage. all because i wanted her to wake up to reality and for her to be okay - i didn't get her thought process at all, didn't get her version of the world. and i felt so fucking powerless because she just strayed so quickly from her path, despite what she was telling me, despite her being relatively fine mere months prior. despite us being best friends and on good terms. it's a headfuck, and you don't have to know what to do, you don't have to have anything figured out. just try to focus on what you need, today.

the hardest thing to accept is the fundamental truth of the situation, and that is that you can't fix this for her. can't love her out of it, can't enable her out of it, can't fight her out of it. all you can do is be there for her emotionally while still maintaining the appropriate boundaries necessary to preserve ur own mental wellbeing. it's completely okay if you need more time - i know you said you cant bear to reach out to her at the moment, which makes total sense. but since you sent this message and i can still see that you're beyond concerned and it's only getting worse, maybe you could consider calling her or sending her a text or meeting her for coffee when you're ready. just to let her know you haven't stopped thinking of her. and that you care about her so much, that when/if she's ready to get help you will be with her every step of the way. even if shes battling addiction for the rest of her life. if she screams at you, if she breaks down, if she ignores you for what you say - fine. but at least she'll know on some level that she is not alone, and at least you'll know you did what you could with what was in your control. also about her being under social services - is there any way you could get in touch with them, maybe explain that youre still worried about her and that you think she needs a higher level of care, maybe ask them if theres anything proactive you can do in collaboration with them to maximize the help shes getting? i dont know how it works where you are, that might be a no go, but i just thought i'd mention it. i'm sorry, i know it's a disappointing answer, but i really don't realistically think there's any other. there's only so much of this that is in your hands and so far it sounds like you've done and are doing everything possible to stay sane while looking out for her. i really really hope something clicks for her and that she starts to listen to you and her loved ones soon, that she begins to approach recovery out of the genuine need to get better. but it really does have to come from within her, all you can do is encourage it. im sending you both so much love. i know more than anyone how fucking stressful it is to have to wake up to this every day, and i'm so sorry. if you need someone to talk to, my inbox will always be open. you deserve peace in your own life, too. take care x

resource one

resource two

resource three

[lovieebby]

dreaded corner

a/n: i know this isn’t the oneshot/fic i promised but here’s something i whipped up! i thought since i’ve imagined for a hot minute that id just spit it out. thank you @viking-raider for rereading this for me 😂 ily & also i apologize again bc im posting this thru my phone so im sorry if the formats funky!!

summary: you thought you could be a big girl, instead its sassy and rude and daddy is fed tf up.

word count: 2.2k (wowza)

pairing: henry cavill x reader (y/n)

warnings: um henry himself? implyed smut, sub!reader, daddy henry is fed up, description of readers pussee, i made a bad pun, that cursed blue tank top

tag list: @hell1129-blog 😘

you and henry have been dating for some time now and your sex life was off the charts, but about six months ago you both had started dabbling in the bdsm dynamics as a couple. henry already knew what he was doing, you, not so much. you had an idea but you never really completely understood how to be a submissive, you where naturally that way in the bedroom but anywhere else outside of that felt off to you and plus you never had a dom that was as strict and as serious in this lifestyle as henry, your past partners just in it for the hype of the kinky sex.

you loved being his submissive but it was hard at first, you had always looked out for yourself and so it became a habit to take things into your own control and set up walls. but after time and love henry slowly took down those walls and you where able to trust him with your whole being. after a while, you really loved being taken care of and being able to hand the control over to someone else, it feeling like you could finally breathe.

you felt like you where a genuine good submissive, theres never really a right or wrong way either, henry had told you, easing your mind when you had gotten concerned. most days you listened, wanting to please him and get praised for it. you lived to be a good girl for him, but some days where more rough than normal. some days you just wanted to be independent and in charge of yourself, doing what you please, and more often than not, henry caught on to it fast and put you back into your place.

you stood in the kitchen, standing by the fridge trying to figure out what to drink. you rubbed your ass, stinging still from the spankings you got earlier. ten hard swats on each cheek and you didn’t get to orgasm once the first punishment was over, no orgasm was your second punishment.

bummer.

henry sat in the living room, on his laptop replying to an email. he wore his blue tank top with his sweat pants, feet perched up on the ottoman. he had started an email once he had given you the much needed aftercare and reassurance. you both had cleaned up taking a shower together and getting into your lazy day clothes.

henry heard the fridge being closed roughly and the shelves within it shaking. he had talked about this with you time and time again, you used to do it at your own home, but now you two lived together, so that meant respecting your surroundings. what was so hard about that?

“don’t slam it, please.” he had said, making eye contact with you when you spun around to look at him.

“i didn’t! it was the suction from the door!” you explained, getting a little snappy with him, not wanting to get caught that you did, in fact, do it again. you turned around, not wanting to be called out, and made yourself busy looking in another cabinet for something to snack on.

henry looked at you questionably that quickly turned into a stern disapproving glare, “don’t talk back to me,” he sighed out, turning back to his email. he thought your attitude dissolved, clearly it just doubled.

“i’m not, im just defending myself,” you sassed out quietly, making a mocking face while you searched in the cabnet.

“excuse me?” his voice boomed out. he pressed hard on the send button, sending the email, he didn’t bother double checking if everything was typed out correctly. henry moved the laptop over to the empty seat. he crossed his arms, frowning at you, surprised at your returned attitude.

“did you fart?” you sassed again, closing the cabinets, you spun around and crossed your arms. coping him while leaning on the counter arching your eyebrow, biting the inside of your cheek.

bad move, bad move (y/n).

henry was baffled, you just got done with a punishment not even an hour ago. he had beaten your ass pretty well, and he rarely had to do that. he thought if you wanted a challenge, you would quickly lose. he stood up from the couch, and slowly walked to you, once he got the the kitchen island he put his hands down, spreading his fingers out. he towered over you even if it was a couple feet away, his eyes piercing into you, daring you to continue your attitude.

he’s never had to punish you multiple times in one day, but if it was needed, he was going to.

“little girl,” he started, his voice dropping an octave, “drop the attitude, i won’t tell you again.”

“fine.” you snapped, you where definitely not going to. “but i didn’t slam the door.”

“(y/n), i don’t care,” he punctuated each word, leaning forward.

“i didn’t though! i’m not lying!” you threw your hands down, almost stomping your foot on the floor.

you where acting out, you knew he was getting back in his dominant role, but you where serious too! you didn’t want to be dominated at the moment. you didn’t want to say your safe word, it wasn’t needed, you were just being a brat. you just wanted to be you for two seconds, not henry’s baby, you felt big.

“alright, get over here.” he stood up straight, walking away from the counter, clinching his jaw. he was fed up, you had no reason to act this way and he was quickly going to put you in your place.

you suddenly realized that you became a big mean brat more than a big girl, now you wanted the floor to eat you whole, like right now. utterly embarrassed that you thought you where so confident about yourself and your actions. you didn’t want to move, frozen under his glare, you where already thinking of what he was going to do, and you where praying he wasn’t going to swat your ass again, his spanks weren’t light and your ass was as rosey as ever.

“move it missy,” he said, snapping his finger down in front of him where he wanted you, “now.”

you slowly moved to him, your confidence completely leaving your body as you tried to swallow the lump in your throat. you stood in front of him, not making eye contact, his eyes too intimidating. if you looked at him, you’d beg for forgiveness, but at the moment you where still trying to hold on to a useless lie.

henry breathed in deep and let it out slow through his nose, he knows its hard for you sometimes to comply and completely listen but you both agreed to the rules henry had set. he let you stand there, making you think. it also gave him a moment to calm down, he didn’t want to just lash out and show his frustration, but he still wants you to know who’s the boss.

he honestly just wanted to sit down with you and junk out after getting his business done, but clearly he needed to punish you again because apparently you didn’t get the memo the first time.

“we agreed on the rules, did we not?” he questioned you, crossing his arms. he looked out at you, you looked anywhere but him.

you nodded your head, agreeing with him.

“oh, now you have nothing to say?” he taunted, ticking his jaw. “you had so much to say earlier.”

“we did.” you whispered, looking down at your fidgeting hands.

“look at me when i’m talking to you,” henry gripped your chin, tilting your face up to him. you whimpered dropping your hands to your side, his grip making your bottom lip jut out.

“if you don’t agree with the rules, you know what to say, if not, shut it,” he sternly watched you, waiting for you to say something, putting a little more pressure into his grip, shaking your face a bit, waiting for you to say the word. when you didn’t, he continued, “now i don’t know what got into you, to think you can speak to me like that, but that needs to end. quit your shit and stand in the corner, hands behind your back.”

you frowned, opening your mouth in disbelief, now you where upset all over again, the submission leaving your body. you’ve been put in time out a couple times but right now you weren’t feeling it, this is dumb!

“like a kid?!” you loudly questioned.

“yes! because you’re acting like one!” he let go of your face and with one hand he pushed you to the corner by the breakfast table with his other, he pointed to the known corner.

you picked up your feet and scoffed, this was unfair, you weren’t a child! you clinched your jaw when you got the corner, so frustrated you screamed in your mouth.

once henry heard you whining and carrying on he walked up behind you and smacked you ass, harder than he intended but it worked, he needed to make a point. you gasped and jolted forwards, bracing your hands on the wall, your ass was still tinder. he stood behind you, putting his hands up on the wall caging you in. he put his mouth right next to your ear.

“you did this to yourself, so take your punishment like a big girl and shut up. i don’t want to hear you.” he said, leaning into you, making himself known, “you don’t run shit here missy, and i’m here to remind you of that.”

he pushed off the wall, backing up from you and smacked your stinging ass again, giving a warning. you held your whine in and closed your eyes tight.

he turned around and stood by the counter, he looked down at his watch and set a timer for twenty minutes, he could probably get some small chores done, so he could waste time waiting on you. he didn’t want to stand there and watch you because you’d notice and probably say something and he just didn’t want to hear it. you where always so good, but when you got bratty and sassy, he nipped that shit quick, not wanting it to happen again. as he was leaving the room and gave kal a quick pat to follow him, he doesn’t need you petting him while you’re in your corner.

you were embarrassed to say the least, you were in a corner with your hands behind you, flustered in an uncomfortable wetness from your arousal. henry made you flustered on any given day but when he became daddy, it was so much more worse. you where still soaked from the first spanking and from the rough sex you just had earlier.

you moved side to side discretely, you only wore an over sized cotton tee with your soft sleep shorts with no panties, not wanting any extra material on your bum, the shorts already a little scratchy on your bruised cheeks.

regretting your attitude, you wanted to apologize, but you knew if you spoke up, you would get reprimanded from henry. so you stood there, trying to pass the time by trying to find shapes on the textured wall.

after some time you noticed you haven’t heard henry, you perked up and peeked over your shoulder, you didn’t see henry anywhere not even kal. usually if you tapped the wall kal would come over and you could at least have some type of company. you tapped the wall a couple times, but no response from the pup. you turned back around to the corner, trying to patently wait, wanting to be good for your daddy.

what felt like hours, you finally heard henry come back into the kitchen, pulling a chair out from the breakfast table and assuming, sitting down in said chair. you wanted to apologize so bad, you weren’t ever bad like this before, you felt terrible for being snappy and bratty at him. but you stayed and waited for him to tell you, you could come out.

“come here baby,” he said, patting his thigh.

you looked over your shoulder, shrinking into yourself a little apprehensive about moving, “you sure daddy?” you softly asked, you didn’t even know if you wanted to leave the corner, you where rude.

he chuckled softly, he patted his thigh again, “yes i’m sure baby, come on.”

you turned around and stood between his legs, you put your left hand over your shoulder, messing with the hem of your tee shirt. “i’m sorry daddy, i was rude and i really did close the fridge hard.” you said as you rose your head to look at him.

“i know, you don’t lie very well,” he smirked, rubbing the back of your thigh, loving the feeling of your warm skin. “you know why you went into your corner, right?”

you breathed in, sighing, “because i got snappy with you,” you said, henry blinked and gave you a knowing look, waiting for you to continue, “and that i lied.” you quickly said the rest.

he hummed, nodding his head, “good job baby, you did good.” he squeezed your thigh, as you relaxed and put both of your hands on his thighs leaning into him.

you smiled sheepishly and leaned all the way down to give him a kiss. when henry kissed back, he put his other hand on the back of your head, softly intertwining his fingers to massage your scalp.

he pulled back, looking at you intently, “don’t lie again, i like having my good baby.” you nodded your head and gave gave him another kiss.

a/n: thank you guys for reading, feedback is always nice so dont be afraid to say something 🥰

[theunconcernedembalmer]

what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships. 

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative. 

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear. 

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me. 

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

[dented-nado]

So so- James gets sick (you decided how sick he is loll) and Walter/Stolas/both take care of him

Im sorry sickfics are just so wholesome

Takes place before William, Grelle and Ronald were reapers (or even alive at) – For the reaper realm is sort of more in a colonial era vibe, but in the human world it’s currently 1568.

James is a character that’s had one appearance in my Black Butler Fan-Comic Will to Live – Stolas is an upcoming character – and Walter is a fan character that’s formed on our discord server lol.

Hope you like this!!! I kind of hinted at Walter’s existence and helping, but I ended up writing more about Stolas trying to get James just to go heckinnn rest lol. Hope that’s okay!

=====

Anyone who worked anywhere within the reaper realm in England would tell you their general manager was being particularly nasty. There was a rumor going around that his eyes were turning red with rage, Red.

Stolas, being the current head manager of the London Reaper district of course ended up hearing about the rumor. One of those little things that would come up during coffee breaks. Sometimes rumors spread quickly, many of them ended up not being true or over exaggerated… all of them had been there are REALLY long time after all, and sometimes rumors were the only thing that made their grueling jobs a little bit interesting.

This one… however, made Stolas sigh, he knew James too well, if those under him are especially scared of him at the moment, something was up.

Many of his coworkers thought Stolas was insane for remaining cheery with James, or they feared him too by proxy. Stolas wasn’t stupid, he knew why everyone was scared of James – James did it on purpose for Christ’s sake. However, since he had come on some 200 years ago and had many an interaction with the guy, finding himself unphased by his scare tactics... (he had seen men much more monstrous than James after all), he couldn’t help but feel some sort of…. Sympathy? No, that might not be the word? Maybe sometimes he just got a glimmer of the kind of man James could be and wanted to reach out and pull that glittering little gem out. He just hoped he wasn’t seeing something that wasn’t there.

He gazed at the large grandfather clock ticking away in the corner of his office, such a device was new to him, but he had picked it up a little quicker than James had who had kept time by candle for much longer than most of them.

He had 10 more minutes before his break would be over…

Stolas closed his large book he had snuck in to read on his breaks, it was one on the Tudors he had gotten quite lost in. Normally more ancient societies piqued his interest, but it was harder to get good accounts… he half wished he could just explore those ancient cities and discover their secrets himself. But… alas… here he was, not that he could have gone far in his human life either.

He downed the last bit of his tea before sitting up, making sure his ink well was covered and his quill was secure for when he inevitably came back to work.

He walked out of the London office and down the hall, tapping on James’s office door cheerfully, barely waiting for a grunt before coming in.

“What do you want?” James accused, looking up from his paperwork.

Now he did look quite the sight, more tired and grouchy than usual – and judging from the redness of his nose, it was irritated.

“Well now, I had heard you were especially difficult to deal with, and now I know why!” Stolas said, pushing his glasses up his nose and grinning.

James sighed, leaning back and rubbing his left eye slightly, they looked a bit bloodshot.

“Maybe if everyone did their job correctly…”

“Yes, then you wouldn’t be so cross all the time, blah blah blah, I’ve heard the script.” He took a few steps forward, leaning on James’s desk, something only he seemed to get away with. “You’re sick.”

“You’re pissing me off.” James snipped back, baring his teeth.

Stolas shook his head. This man was like trying to be friendly to a wolf on a good day, a rabid one on a bad day.

“Why don’t you just take the day off James? If your sick its not as if you can help it.” Stolas offered.

“I can get up, I can walk, I haven’t sprouted any pustules, not that reapers could get such a horrible thing thank god…” He paused, rubbing his hands together as if having the urge to wash them. “Unless I keel over, I’m still coming into work. Any reaper disease can’t be serious, it won’t kill me.”

“You’re a stubborn man James.” Stolas said, deciding to state the obvious. “What does Walter think?” He asked, furrowing his brows.

Walter was supposedly a ghost from James’s old life that followed him around. Stolas wasn’t entirely convinced he existed, or if he was a ghost in the sense of something James had been through that haunted him, or perhaps was his way of coping with the state of things. He cared for James enough that he didn’t want to try and tell James what he was or wasn’t experiencing… he couldn’t see through his eyes after all. If Walter was real… well… maybe it was good that James still had someone around to keep him grounded. If he wasn’t… what could he really do about that?

“Walter can mind his own business too.” He growled stubbornly, seemingly reading the same sentence on his paperwork a third time over, getting more frustrated.

Stolas narrowed his eyes, he slammed his hands down on the desk briefly, startling James a bit as he suddenly crossed over to his side of the desk, leaning down from his decent height and pointing his finger only inches away from James’s face.

“Either you let me take you home willingly, or I pick you up and carry you kicking and screaming.” He said very seriously.

James’s eyes widened before turning into a glare, leaning up and meeting his gaze with his own threatening one. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Wouldn’t I?” Stolas grinned.

James didn’t have time to run. He growled as Stolas tackled him and lifted him up out of his seat, having no problem lifting the bearded man up onto his shoulder.

“STOLAS SANTORI YOU PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!” He barked.

Stolas chuckled, he could tell all of James’s teeth were razor sharp just from the tone of his voice.

“You stay out of this!” James then barked, seemingly pointing at thin air in irritation, and Stolas was almost sure the air got colder.

Stolas walked towards the door, ignoring James struggling. “Last chance, I can put you down and you can go with me and retain some dignity…”

James stiffened and stopped flailing before sighing and going limp. “Fine, FINE! Just put me down or I swear I’ll have you- GAH!!”

Stolas followed his order and let James fall off his shoulder, only barely catching his balance.

James breathed heavily before coughing a bit, trying to straighten his hair and jacket. “If… If I’m penalized for being gone today…”

“I’ll take full responsibility. You can say you were kidnapped.” Stolas responded, walking out into the hallway with James in tow.

“…If I were to say you kidnapped me and disrupted my work… you could be put on trial.”

Stolas simply slipped his glasses off, cleaning them as they walked. He knew the halls well enough by now he probably could have found his way around without being able to see at all.

“If it happens… it happens.”

“How can you be so calm about such a thing?” James snapped before sneezing, grumbling, and pulling a handkerchief out of his coat pocket to blow his nose into.

“If that’s my fate, who am I to argue with it. I prefer to do what I think is right James, not what is easy or safe. And right now… seeing you rested is what I believe is right.” He said, looking down at James sincerely as they walked out of the building.

James hung his head for a moment, grinding his teeth slightly before walking again to head to his assigned home, Stolas not far behind.

“You’re a fool.” He said simply, and quietly.

Stolas just laughed. “Maybe. Most people seem to think so for getting within 2 feet of you.” He said softly, nudging James with his arm.

James felt miserable, he was annoyed, and on some level, he was scared.

But despite all that… he smiled.

[cafedanslanuit]

would it be ok to ask for hcs of the main 6 + vaderwood and how they would react to their normally energetic and funny mc being a little off and making some self-deprecating jokes (like a little too dark to be funny) as a way of coping and hiding their anxiety/depression? if not thats ok im just in a similar mood today.

self-deprecating jokes are my thing too, tbh. hope you’re feeling better! Also, I couldn’t picture Vandy for this particular hc, I’m sorry :c

Yoosung

This boy honestly loves how fun you are. He will always laugh with you and you don’t tease him that much (Saeyoung does that for you)

One day, when he comes home from his job at the vet, he finds you calling for pizza. He lets you finish the call and then you look up.

“Hey, welcome back! I accidentally left the stove on for too long and messed up dinner” you casually said, with a small giggle. “So I called Pizza Hut, hope it’s okay”.

“It’s okay!” he says. “I love pizza”

“I know, me too” you smile. You stand up and stretch your arms. “Okay, so I’ll take a shower before it gets here. How the fuck did I forget the stove on, I don’t know” you laugh. “I swear to God I would totally leave me at this point”.

Yoosung says nothing, shocked. He watches you walk to the bathroom and turn on the shower. He knows you like to joke around, but that joke had been pretty specific. Leave you? Why would he leave you? Over some burnt food?!

He waits until you come out, wrapped in a towel and hands you a cup of your favourite tea. You smile weakly.

“An award for my awful cooking?” you tease him.

“Hey! It’s just food! And you solved it. I don’t really care, MC, please let it go”. He sees your lips tremble a little bit. “Are you okay?”

You had a really rough day at work. You tell him all about it while sipping on the tea and he silently listens to you, nodding at the right times. The pizza finally arrives and he puts on your favourite show so you both can watch it. When you go to bed, he makes sure to give you extra cuddles, so you never have to feel any more pressure on yourself.

Zen

Honestly, he’s not the best at comedy. But he really likes how much you can make yourself laugh with your own jokes.

He comes home and hands you his tablet. You arch an eyebrow and look at him from the couch. He sits beside you and asks you to press play. You nod and comply his request.

It’s a video from rehearsal. He’s singing at he’s actually hitting all the notes just right. You smile softly, watching the video in silence. When it’s over, you turn and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

“You’re amazing, babe. You did the song soooo good! How can you be so talented?”

“Thank you, babe. And I don’t know, can’t help it. I’m just talented.” he shrugs, with a confident smile.

“Well, someone has to be” you responded quickly. His smiled faltered and he looked at you, confused.

“What are you talking about? You are talented too. I’ve seen your drawings, those building projects you have been working on. They’re masterpieces, MC, I love them and–”

“I didn’t get the job, Zen” you quickly answer, not looking at him. “They didn’t like those ‘masterpieces’” you added, making the colons signs with his fingers.

Oh. So they had already sent you the email.

Zen would put the tablet aside and hold you on the couch. Whisper over and over again how talented you truly are and how they were in the wrong for not noticing it.

“If they can’t see how brilliant you are, why would you want to work for them?” he asked. “I’ve been rejected more times that I can count. I know how you feel. And you know what makes me feel better?”

You look at him and shake your head.

Ten minutes later, you’re both riding on his motorcycle, feeling the air against your face. you hug him tighter and smile.

Jaehee

Jaehee’s not one for jokes. But she does enjoy the occasional laugh she has with you. You make tons of jokes, but, unlike Saeyoung, you know when to stop

“Babyyyyyyyy, I’m a mess!” you complained, stretching on your bed. Both of you were working on your laptops, when suddenly you put yours aside.

“C’mon. Help me, Excel Goddess! Can’t seem to make this thing to work and I need to show it to my boss tomorrow” you asked. Jaehee smiled softly, put her laptop aside and grabbed yours. She started typing formulas, fixing your work.

“You’re so good to me, baby. Thank youuuu. That’s why you’re the smart one here”. Jaehee just smiled, continuing her work.

“They should have taught me Excel in school instead of sports. Did anyone of my class turn out to be an athlete? No one. Are we struggling to get a job because we don’t know shit about Excel? We are”.

“Maybe that’s why I’m failing. Maybe that’s why I had to settle with this shitty job, because I can’t comprehend the monster that in Microsoft Excel. Maybe that’s also why my Computer Science teacher hated me at school” you said dramatically. Jaehee chuckled softly.

“Maybe that’s why my whole life is a mess right now. Maybe that’s why I can’t find joy in the things I do anymore, maybe that’s why my father left us. Because I’m a shitty person who can’t do Excel and can’t get a decent job”.

She stopped typing and looked over at you.

“MC. What are you saying?”

“I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m tired. Don’t think about it too much”

“I-… Do you want me to talk to Mr. Han? Maybe there’s a position and… I know C&R takes most of my time but an entry level job may be good– at least for your resumé and–”

“I’m fine. Don’t think about it, baby” you dismissed, but Jaehee grabbed your hand.

“Can’t you really find joy anymore?” she asked. You sighed.

“Happens to me when the cold weather beggins. Will go away in a couple of weeks” you shrugged. Jaehee squeezed your hand.

“Let me know if I can do anything to help you… well, find joy again”.

“You do help!” you assured her. “I can find bits of joy here” you smiled and gave her a small kiss. She smiled and kissed you back.

Jumin

Jumin doesn’t understand most of your jokes. Most of the times, you have to explain them to him. He doesn’t mind, but it’s only because he really enjoys watching you laugh at your own jokes. The sight of you giggling it’s enough to light up any day.

That day, you decided to visit him during lunch. Which wasn’t a rare occurrence, you tried to visit him at least once a week, making sure with Jaehee you wouldn’t be interrupting.

“Good afternoon, my love. Didn’t expect you here” he greeted you, giving your cheek a tender kiss when you approached him. You gave him the bento you had prepared and sat in front of him, on the other side of his desk.

“I know. I just thought your darling, loving wife might make an appearence. I do have to keep those heiresses away from you” you laughed. He smiled softly and opened his bento. “Don’t want them making you change your mind about marrying some poor girl who couldn’t even afford university by herself”.

Jumin arched his eyebrow while eating his lunch. “Is there a problem with your classes? I thought you were excited about finally attending university, even if most of the classes are online for security reasons. Are the professors not competent enough? Are they not grading you fairly?”

You laughed. “No, Jumin, classes are fine. I just… Don’t really fit with your social class, you know. I mean, I knew I wouldn’t fit, but someday’s it really… just… I don’t know. You can put a working class girl in a Channel, but you can’t really change who she really is inside, right?” you smiled weakly.

Jumin furrowed his eyebrows, visibly upset. “What are you talking about?”

Your facade disappear and you sighed. You reached out for his hand and held it tighly.

“Please, don’t misunderstand me. I love you, I really do. Nothing can change that. But I can’t– I can’t pretend I don’t hear the whispers when I come here to have lunch with you. How I listen to them mocking these nice clothes you bought for me” you said, pointing at your light blue dress he had given you. “I don’t… I didn’t grow up with these things. I must look really dumb pretending to be part of a class I’m not”.

“Who made that comment?” he asks, angrily.

You try to cover it up, but after some pushing, you tell him it’s the secretary that works two offices away. She has a desk beside Jaehee’s. Jumin stands up, not stopping when you ask him to. He takes one step outside his office and spots the secretary you must be talking about.

“You’re fired. Assistant Kang, take care of that paperwork”.

Jumin returned to his office and locked the door. You can’t believe what just happened. He walks over to you and lifts up your chin with his hand, gently.

“Don’t ever let anyone tell you you don’t belong here. Or that you don’t deserve elegant clothes or anything I want to give to you. I know you didn’t grow up the same as me, but that’s why I love you. Because you didn’t look at me and saw my money or C&R, you looked at me. At who I was. Who I could be. I want to be the best man I can be, just for you. And I want to please you, giving you anything I can so you can enjoy life at its fullest. Also, look at you” he said, taking a look at your whole outfit. “You look breathtaking. You look classy, and it’s not just the dress” he smirked, kissing your cheek and making his way to your neck, leaving you a mess of giggles.

Saeyoung

Ok, so we all agree he’s the king of dark humour and self-deprecating jokes.

And he’s used to be like that around you and sometimes you make the same jokes and you both just laugh it out.

So that day, he doesn’t notice something’s off from the start.

He’s fixing the robot cat, since it had been malfunctioning. You’re reading a magazine  on the couch while he’s sitting on the floor, both of you talking on and off.

“One day you should teach me who to do that. You know, fixing stuff and such”

“I wil! But you’ll need to call me sensei during our lessons.”

“Sensei? Isn’t that japanese?”

“It is! I’ll be your sensei if you wish. But what do you want to learn to fix?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t want to be the dumb one of the relationship”

“Awww. But we make such a good pair~”

“Just because you haven’t got tired of me yet” you chuckle.

“How could I get tired of your cooking? Never!~ I swear my mouth waters just thinking about your waffles.”

You laugh. “That’s all I am? My cooking?”

“Well, also how clean you keep this, Ms. Vanderwood hasn’t been complaining as much as before” he teases you.

“Well, you know I have to keep this apartment clean and your stomach full. That’s why I’m here, right? Until you get tired of my stupidness” you chuckle.

Saeyoung looks back at you, stopping on his fixing of robo-cat. He’s not longer smiling.

“… You really think that? That I think you’re stupid?”

“Well… I’m no genius. I’m just one more secretary, I’m… c’mon. You’d have more fun with someone who’s just as smart as you. I’m just here… until my time’s done. I’ve accepted it long ago.”

Suddenly he’s over you, making you lay on the couch, pinning both your arms over your head.

“Stop! What? Stop, just stop, what are you even saying?! You are kind, compassionate, generous and the most beautiful soul I’ve ever seen. You stayed by my side when I was at my worst. You saw all parts of me and still loved me. I’m the one who isn’t worthy of someone as loving and forgiving as you. I– I could never. I could have never rescued Saeran without you. I could have never been happy or even think about real happiness if it weren’t for you. So honestly, what if you don’t know anything about computers or hacking? That doesn’t matter to me. It’s you and your heart. It’s always been about your loving heart, MC. Please, please don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ve loved you my whole life. Even before I met you. I just didn’t realize it.”

Your eyes water

damn, saeyoung i almost cried as well, you fucker

You both stay on the couch, holding each other until you fall asleep. He keeps whispering soft and warm words to your ear every now and then, making sure you never doubt yourself again.

Saeran

“i want to die” “same”

It’s so usual for you both to make dark jokes, he doesn’t really notice when it stops being a joke to you.

You’re both laying on the couch. You’re on top of him, resting your head on his chest. You can’t remember how it started, but you start joking around.

“Your girlfriend’s a mess, you know”

“She is. Have you seen her hair?” he teased.

“What the hell does she think she’s doing? Have you seen the way she dresses?”

“Total mishap. It’s like a match made in hell”

“And her voice? More like a screech” you laugh, making fun of your own voice.

“Will she ever shut up?” he sighed dramatically, smirking softly.

“Why does she think she actually make someone happy?” you chuckle. His smile disappears.

Saeran stays silent for a minute. “You’re not happy?”

are you not happy with him? has he already bored you out of your mind? are you having second thoughts about your relationship? because he’s been trying, he’s been seeing a psychologist and even though there still isn’t a big change, he— is it because there hasn’t been a big change?

“Well, you’re not” you replied in a small voice. “And I can’t– And I don’t how– Maybe it’s me?”

So, Saeran decides to try something he’s been talking about with his psychologist. Better now than ever, he thought.

“I love you”

You raise your head, looking at him in disbelief. He’s never said that before. When you started dating, he had kissed you and you had understood how it was hard for him to express feelings due to the severe trauma he had gone through, so you hadn’t pushed him but… Saeran was still looking at you, a tense expression on his face. You suddenly realized you hadn’t said anything back.

“I love you too”. You had said it before. You had told him that a million times, but it was the first time you said it back.

“I know it seems I’m not making progress– But I think I am? I mean, I just told you that, right?” he said, scratching his head, a little nervous. “He said we were going to work on expressing feelings, and it was easier to express the most intense ones.”

“Your most intense feeling– one of your most intense feelings is loving me?” you asked, still surprised.

“Shut up” he said, making you laugh for real this time.