#its cause im stupid and do something i shouldnt so really its on me

[analogwriting]

You-… you almost cut your HAND OFF??? Tf do you work on 😭

AHAHAH I didn't almost cut it off!!! at least not the whole thing but I definitely almost took a decent chunk off a finger or two 💀💀 I HAVE seen people slice chunks/tips of their fingers off. and it's typically bc they're doing something stupid and it's completely preventable

at work we have a slicer. a bizerba

this is kinda what it looks like only ours is old as shit. but it's for cutting deli meat, cheese, and veggies. and when I was loading up the turkey it just decided to move itself and pulled me with it and I almost didn't move my hand in time

woulda had some ambrose sandos forreal. we also have a ghost in our store bc they like to move shit. this ain't the first time I've almost gotten my hand in this manner. IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR ALMOST SEVEN YEARS THO AND IVE ONLY SLICED MY HANDS UP LIKE THREE TIMES!!!! so it's not too scary idk lmfao

and when I say sliced up it's usually like me cleaning it and not paying attention and getting knicked. nothing too crazy.

BREAD KNIVES ARE A WHOLE OTHER STORY. IT AINT A NEW OFFICIAL KNIFE IF I DONT ACCIDENTALLY CUT MYSELF SOMEHOW 💀💀 but they're never life threatening injuries, it's just cause I'm doing something dumb or not adhering to knife safety and being dumb SO THATS ON ME

[dykedvonte]

I hate the stretch lines in the front of Curly's uniform because that means the devs rushed to make a model in like a month or so and thought "They gotta at least know he has huge knockers, gotta know he's got back pain." Cause like what is the thematic importance of his tits having overhang?

What responsibility is that representing? Breast reduction? It shows an inherent greed in his character due to the excess and heshouldletmeholdone and that he clearly is blinded cause if he tries to look down his damn ladder all he's seeing is his own cleavage.

[the-kipsabian]

im gonna complain sorry i need to get this out of my brain since ive been thinking about it recently. leaving it in the tags so you can ignore it or whatever

[xhanelia]

I’ve discovered your blog and it’s single handedly feeding my current valorant obsession, I love your writing so much. With that said, could I please request a some fluffy confession scenes with Sova or possibly Chamber? Thank you so much!

I will abandon this page istg i hate tumblr but this is a request i can write in one go so here i am at 00:43. Lets see when i'll finish it. (Im done and its 03:00)

<<<The reader is another agent in the protocol in this fic. Sova part is GN and Chamber part is female reader. >>>

Hope you like it! And thank you sm!!

Confession headcannons with Sova and Chamber

He is the hollywood star of hiding emotions and pressing them in so no one can tell what he really feels or who is the person he has eyes on. Exept himself ofcourse.

He is not some kind of "i'll built up my emotions inside so i wont hurt anyone" kind of person. He knows he shouldnt hide them too long or it can cause damage. He talks about his problems to Brim like everybody does. But not love, ofcourse.

He thinks that he shouldnt feel like this to a coworker. Not that there isnt any couples in the HQ. There is Raze and KJ and he knows that Brim allows it.

He is probably scared of you rejecting him. If so, there will be a moody aura between whenever you two need to team up for a mission. He cannot allow that. That will effect both of your morals and the performance.

But every second he is not speaking about his feelings is like a torture to him. Like all of his energy is drawn out of him when he returns from a mission or just from trainings.

Spending his day at his room, not practising archery, not having conversations much often, sitting in the plane and looking out of the window while going to a mission rather than giving courage to people is not like him. Something is bothering him. Clearly.

You went to sit next to him. He immediately turned his head to you. "Did something happened?" He asked.

"I should be the one asking you that." You said. He stared at you for a good 15 seconds.

"Lets have this conversation after the mission." He suggested with the pressure of his own feelings. It was getting too much for him to handle. You did not pressed on it. The mission was a short one after all. Everyone did good and went back to the HQ with the same plane.

He immediately regret his choice of words when you stood infront of him when he tried to get out of the plane. He was planning to found an excuse but he didnt had the time to think about that.

"Umm..." he said trying to get some time to think. You lift a brow, implying that you both know why you are in his way.

"Lets talk about it when no one is around, shall we?" He said while bending over you a little.

"There is no one around, Sasha. You took unexpectedly long to leave the plane." You said. You were not letting him escape again.

He sighed. Looking around, really no one was left at the landing field. He grabbed your arm and getting you two both out of the plane. The sky was open and orange with the sunset of the beautiful winter.

He held both of your hands. You could feel the shake of them. It was ironic that the sniper of the protocol's hands was shaking that easily before you.

"You dont have to say anything, its better if we pretend that i said nothing, but..." you tilted your head and frown at the words. "I am in love with you." He says.

He is too scared to look you in the eyes or hear the words that will come out of your mouth so he continues to speak.

"I was too scared that our friendship will never be the same after my confession so i kept this feelings inside but they didnt stop growing. I felt like i was drowning and couldnt hide it anymore. I am sorry if i ruined our friendship and-"

He stopped after hearing your laugh. Did he said something stupid? Was this so childish for him to do? Why were you laughing?

"You were hiding this from me? For how long?" You said. He got confused. "Uhh... for... over 4 or 5 months?" He said, unsure about when he got this crush over you.

"You should have told me from the start silly. I like you too!" As you said, his eyes lit up with the happiness. Holding your hands tighter, he asked. "Really? Are you real? You are not saying that because you dont want me to feel bad, do you?"

With your head shake as a no, he hugs you while both of you laugh with joy. And there goes your first kiss with him. Under the orange sky with the blow of an air like a celebration of the nature for both of you.

Mhm. We all know this man aint hiding nothing. He shall show you and everyone that he has eyes on you so that nobody can steal you from him untill he officialy takes you out.

Yea i feel like he would take you out to an extra expensive restaurant to confess, even the offer itself looks like the confession already.

"Chamber, you really dont have to." You say while hanging the vandal back to its place. Training was over and the french man knew your schedule from head to toe. It was impossible for him to miss any of your free times.

"Please, the randevu was made from weeks ago. Plus, if it isnt going to be you then who is it?" He says while giving you the card of the restaurant. On the card, it was written the place of the restaurant (i will die from this stuffy nose istg i cannot write) with the date and time of the randevu with his fancy handwriting.

You gave a smile to him. Not often you got this kind of... um... take outs? (I forgor the word in english) He was generous to offer you this. Altough it was clear why he did this.

You contact Brim to clear that day but he said that Chamber did it for you. Then you discover that nearly everyone knows about the "take out" that you guys will have.

"O. M. G. You know that he will confess you that night, right?" Jett said while cutting cucumbers to put on her eyes but Phoenix eats them trying not to get caught. The girls night is getting little heavy on you. (Pho is one of the girls idc.)

"Yea, yea, i know. Who doesnt." You said while rolling your eyes. Trying to not pop the conversation much.

"I mean, i didnt got a confession in a fancy restaurant." KJ said while looking at Raze. Who has no idea whats going on.

"Well, im okay if he wants to do it this way but im not sure if i'll fit in that kind of atmosphere. Everyone and everything is so expensive. You know." You said while shaking your shoulders.

"Are you kidding me? That french has his eyes on you. You think he will matter if you fit in or not?" Neon lifts the cucumbers from her eyes and looks at you from the couch. You lift your hands sideways as to tell you dont know.

"We will make you fit." Phoenix says with excitement. "What is the date?" He asks while everyone awaits the answer from you.

Eventually, the date comes. Everyone you gave the date is more excited than you. Preparing your dress, makeup and everything like its a doll dressing game.

When it comes to Chamber, he was ready more than ever. It was like classic Chamber yet so different. He had his 'special occasion suit' on him and a smug smile on his face. He offers you his arm and you take it.

(You go to the restaurant but its getting too late and i need some sleep so imma skip that part.)

"So..." he says while you both sit face to face, eating dinner. He had studied this for over how many times and yet he is still nervous. You turned your look at him and raise a brow.

"We both know why we are here, Vincent. I like you too. You dont have to give me a whole speech." You said. Drinking some of the wine to cover your face and overexcitement.

He laughs at your boldness. "Its open like a book, isnt it?" He looks straight into your eyes. You feel like they could pierce through you. "Thats my girl. Bold and smart as always" He says. "You dont need a brain to see that you have eyes on me." It was your time to laugh.

He looks at you with that stupid smirk on his face. Like he truly fell in love if you. "I love you." He says. Giving up on the talk he had prepared. He felt like it was the only thing he needed to say.

Even if that three words was the only thing he said, they made your heartbeat race up immediately. With a giggle, you hold his hand that is on the table. "I love you." You said. The only thing he said and the only thing he needed to hear from you was the same nontheless.

[soomanymoths]

"Trying to destroy them" is such a hyperbolic statement (very on brand for crink). Im not destroying anyone - im fully in my right to be transparent about how i was mistreated. If you dont want to have bad things said about you - dont do bad things. Crinkle did a lot of fucked up things. And no, this is not some distant past. Only very recently did crinkle apologize to his wife for cheating and actually showed any kind of shame over his behavior towards her. He continues to lie and try to cover for himself in regards to how he treated me. "Wild things" 100% real things that i have proof for... and honestly what i shared pales in comparison to some other shit crinkle pulled during all this :') Idk what u mean by checking tags - feels like u misunderstood / didnt read correctly tbh? I always knew what fic i was reading! The explicit nature of the fic was NEVER an issue for me. The issue was that both Crinkle and Krys acted as if their brains leaked out in the discord server i made for several people - they used absolutely no content warnings, they roleplayed very explicitly anywhere they wanted while being fully aware Nightjarteeth (cr's spouse) is uncomfortable with SA, r*pe, etc. We had RP & NSFW channels for a reason - they didnt use them when it was appropriate. And while i personally have high tolerance, waking up and seeing discussions about a teenager being sodomized with a hot curling iron in a channel meant for selfies, pets etc. first thing in the morning was a bit much even for me. No warnings, no spoiler marking, nothing. Very cool and considerate /s. Honestly what you wrote just reads like you didnt bother to read what i put out - I stated my issues very clearly. But no matter, your choice to blindly believe whatever Crinkle peddles to their readers. It is pretty gullible though, for anyone to believe what he says based solely on the fact they like his fic. As you said - you dont know this person. But i do. His wife does. Two other irl's called out crinkle oh his behavior as well. The truth is not always pretty. Honestly the bottom line is that what Crinkle is doing / has done had real life consequences and that pales in comparison to me making fanart and asking questions. Both Night and I were severely hurt and mistreated in all this - it's unfortunate you're not willing to put it on the equal ground with whatever Crinkle and Krys say.

CrinklyTinfoil bs

Just a collection of receipts since krys decided to go ahead and spew such backwards bs im no longer willing to keep this to myself - i only did in the first place because crinkles spouse (nightjarteeth) asked me to keep it tucked away for a while (Night is aware of the events and supports me in the situation last i checked). Crinkle really hates the idea of their behavior backfiring & someone they hurt speaking about the experience. They will do anything to discredit people, doesnt matter if they caused the sitch in the 1st place. Its all about appearances, distorting events and grasping at straws for them. If you're their reader and you choose to believe them - remember they were comfortable pulling wool over the eyes of their spouse and someone they called a "dear friend". Ask yourself why anyone else would be exempt from this. I might update this when i have more time on my hands.

[ultra-raging-ghost]

Alright. Imma just say it. Something is wrong with the theme park and Ollie. Because at first, it just seems really sweet right? Ollie seems charming and super nice to Bad- a true friend, if you will. But what initially started out as "getting help" for a "surprise for cucurucho" in the form of a ferris wheel turned into Bad being responsible for an entire theme park. Ok. But like. Why tho.

Also what is up with the snakes and raccoons that just randomly appear every time Bad tries to show the bunny workers his work- therefore inadvertently causing him problems that lead to bad reviews by the bunnies. And more importantly: Bad owing Cucurucho more debt each time.

There's something interesting about that last part and this whole situation intrigues me so much if Cucurucho really is manipulating Bad into becoming closer, and ultimately, slowly integrate him into the Federation.

- alchemicaladarna

EXACTLY

see the thing is i have to agree with bad that i think cucuruchos setting bad up for a debt payment so theyre forced to interact daily! Like a baby trap but with financials kjkhjgvhjbnjk

i wrote this in a post like i think two ish days ago that cucurucho seems to be testing bads boundaries, which includes forcing bad to somehow pay cucurucho or be in debt to cucurucho, both things which bad hates because he really likes being at the top of the ladder on the richness scale!! Like he checks that stupid thing so often just to make sure hes still at the top when in reality theres like a 10K GAP between him and the second richest person on the server

Like its so sus how this is the second time cucuruchos made bad indebted to him within the past couple days. And bad really couldve just refused to pay cucurucho back (it was just a netherite block that bad didnt even have that we WATCHED cucurucho destroy) but instead bad bended and said that he'd find a way to pay cucurucho back even if getting a fucking BLOCK OF NETHERITE would take FOREVER

AND THE THING IS!!!! THE THING IS!!!! I am 90% confident cucurucho didnt expect bad to be honest and give him back that whole stack of netherite blocks, it was a VERY OBVIOUS TEMPTATION to try and get bad to refuse to give them back but instead he did so and cucurucho panicked and decided to fabricate a false debt on his own

But the thing is, a block of netherite is something one can forget about especially when bad doesnt actually have it, so instead he made bad in debt with something a little more tangible, something bad cant just give back to him all at once (or that he didnt want to - of course bad could do it he has WELL over 12k but bad hoards his money like a dragon). So instead cucurucho charged bad an exuberant price for something he shouldnt have even known existed just so bad would be forced to interact with him and go out of his way to give him exactly 12 coins a day!! Cucurucho was even nice enough to take 3k off just because he likes bad (thats a quote, that was crazy)!!!

AND cucurucho did the math in his head, if bad were to stick to their debt agreement bad would be paying him back for a little under 3 years !!! Bro had a fucking calculator on hand!!! 2.74 years i believe were his calculations, a thousand days!! Bro is counting!!!

like im just saying its so sus,, its so sus i UNDERSTAND and i hope its on purpose and that they DO SOMETHING WITH IT!!!

AND SIDE NOTE!!!! THESE BUNNIES ARE SO CRINGEFAIL!!!! WHY ARE ALL OF THEM ALWAYS ON HALF A HEART???? The bear fed workers werent doing allat!!!!! It seems like every time a rabbit is around bad theyre always on 2 hearts constantly getting downed, every other time bad sees ollie hes picking her up from getting downed, he had to save the two tie rabbits several times today, sipi kept getting downed, etc. etc. that cant not be planned, its like they go out of their way to be weak to be able to make these accusations that cause bad to get fined that cause him to be in debt like THATS CRAZY RIGHT???

I dont think i saw any bear fed workers get downed until fucking CELLBIT started killing them, and pre-theme park weve rarely/never seen a bunny properly get downed, even when they were around bad, Ronnie was mostly stalking and hiding and jumping around and excited, they didnt get downed nearly as much!!! Its crazy!!!

EDIT: EDITING THIS TO SAY. LOWEST OF KEYS. REALLY SUS THAT OLLIE CLAIMED IT WAS FOR A CELEBRATION FOR CUCURUCHO, BUT REFUSED TO ELABORATE ON WHICH CELEBRATION... BAD ASKED IF IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY OR LIKE A BOSS APPRECIATION DAY OR SOMETHING AND SHE JUST AGREED NONCOMMITTALLY AND REFUSED TO ELABORATE.. A LITTLE ODDDDD

[sturniolo04]

Boyfriend's Brother M.S. & C.S.

Bf!Chris x Gf!Fem!Reader x fwb!Matt

A/N: If you don't like the preadded name in my stories, you can either add your own name or not read it; it's up to you :)

Madi: Emmy who is it

Emmy: Matthew. Sturniolo

Madi: what nooo Em- you- thats his brother

Emmy: i know i know i shouldnt it just happened and

Madi: dont tell me yall slept together too. did you?

Emmy: we just made out i cant tell Chris because i dont want to hurt him

Madi: of course I wont tell him okay

emmy: thank you

Madi: lets get dress so no one walks in on you in well

Emmy: a towel

she chuckles

Madi: yeah

Emmy's POV: i get up and go a change in this

i come out to see Madi sitting on my bed with open arms i sit next to her as she comforts me

Madi: its going to be okay

Emmy: promise

Madi: promise love this will all go away within a couple of days

2 days later

Madi's POV; Emmy has been so much happier now that everything has died i cant say the same for her Chris' relationship

Chris: DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME EMMY JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH

Emmy: NO I DONT OKAY

Chris:  what is there someone else

Emmy's POV:  Oh my gosh i let it slip uh no

Madi: whats going on you two

she asks. I stayed silent knowing what this is about and i looked at Matt for a sense of comfort.

Chris: Matt...

he states looking a matt and then me looking down confirming the answer

Chris: unbelievable

he says pushing me out the way heading out closing and locking the door behind him

Madi: oh god em

Emmy; i-i

Madi: hey just calm down 

Nick: so you knew this was happening Madi you knew they were hooking up

he chimed in

Madi: it wasnt hooking up

Nick: Madi who else did you tell? Emmy Chris was your boyfriend and that's his fucking brother how could you

Emmy: I kno- i did mean for this to happen i-i

she stumbles out looking up at Matt

matt: Em

Emmy: i dont want to talk to you right now  

Matt: i cant lie Emmy okay of i have feelings for you then i need to be honest about them

Nick: you like Emmy Matt even though Chris is your fukcing brother unbelievable

Matt; yeah i do and i dont regret it

Madi; oh my god

Nick: you cant do that to Chris

Matt; my heart is not there okay its with Emmy

Emmy; but it shouldnt Matt it just shouldnt be with me you dont know me

he sighs slowly preceeding to walk towards her

Matt: i know that you put on this tough exterior so you dont have to feel less than what you are..

i sighed a little at his words as he continues to walk towards me

Matt: you sometimes bottle up how you feel because you want to protect and satisfy others instead of taking you into consideration... you bite your lip when you get nervous about whether or not youre saying or doing something wrong..

my breath starts getting shaky because he was right literally

Matt: and i know that you are the one.. i also know that you feel the same way

Emmy: Matt i-

and next thing i know someone knocked on the room door

...: Matt

Madi: Holy shitt

Matt: Nicole

Nicole: hii

Matt's POV: I watch a my ex girlfriend comes up slowly and hugs me i missed this honestly

Nicole: can-can we talk maybe

Matt: yeah

He says grabbing her hand leading him into a room

Back in the front room

Madi: what

Nick: no this could be good for Chris and Emmy

Emmy:.. im going to go for a walk

Madi: Em.. seriously can you not see they are meant for each other

Nick: but it is so wrong they are fucking brothers for christ' sake like this is going to fuck everything up

Madi: seriously come on there is no way in your hearts that this isnt meant to be

Chris: wheres matt

Nick: talking to someone

Chris: Emmy

Nick; no Emmy wanted me to tell you that he wants to save this

Chris: really where is she

Nick: out

Madi: im sorry i cant do this

Madi: this is stupid guys some friends yall are

Madi's POV:Emmy  just need time to figure out herself she is really just a sweet person and doesnt deserve this

Emmy: where are we going Madi

Emmy; Madi..

Madi: okay no cause Nick lied to Chris

Emmy: about what

Madi: you and Matt okay

Emmy: what do you mean Madi

Madi: they dont want to believe that you and Matt are meant to be

Madi: they are trying to save you and Chris' relatioship

she states rolling her eyes

Emmy; i mean Matt doesnt matter now cause

she states 

madi: yeah i know im sorry

Emmy: Its fine you know  so where are we going again

Madi: Jacob's

Emmy: thats sounds good

Madi: great lets go..

Emmy's POV: We have been staying at Jacob's that afternoon to hang out and get destressed from the situation my phone kept dinging looking at the notifications of our group chat seeing a multitude of "please were sorry" and "please come back" and i think we were all ignoring it for right now we still had to go back and get our stuff at some point today

Jacob: how are doing love

Madi: how could they be so stupid to see they are perfect for each other

Jacob: give it time everything happens for a reason yeah

he says as she sighs out

Taglist

@adirtylittleheart @mintsturniolo @wh0resstuff

[fictionfixations]

edit: if anyone saw a post where i was being all depressed because i lost the post i was working on. turns out tumblr did post it but my sleep deprived brain didnt think to check my posts !??! thats my bad

i make poor decisions when its late and i really shouldnt be playing gacha games because i get more impulsive then i usually am but also outside of 'i really want halloween riddle' i and someone else were praying for each others pulls (we both wanted riddle) and were gonna stay up until it did the daily reset to immediately start pulling so here i am (if you've seen my other posts you should know that it was also like this in HSR that I pulled Jade even though I didn't have an erudition built and didnt really want her but tired me thought ..what if i pulled and then i got her and then i didnt have pulls for jiaoqiu)

Result is, Halloween Rook (30 pulls) Halloween Riddle (60 pulls) and then since I was already there I decided to pull until 100 where I got Halloween Silver (100 pulls) its a good haul👍 but also rip all my pull savings. but also now i have all the cards i ever wanted (riddle as a fav and silver cause when i first started and looked at everyones card art his halloween one was really pretty) so like. this is good with me 🤷

anyway the only card remaining on my like. wish list(???) i guess is like. next main story card. erRr JP SpoiLeRS but Sebek Armor of Eternal Night or something like that. cause General Lilia duos with Sebek. but honestly not that big a deal sometimes i find dorm uniform sebek's as peoples support card

but thats less a want want and more i want him to make my cards strong instead of i just want to pull them i probably wont use them but like i want them (i probably will use them in the future but i need to build my main team first 💀)

in any case i do like sebek but also idk man

like. i set a bunch of goals of stuff i really wanted to do as a twst player when first starting which was really a bunch of ideals (like it didnt really seem possible and i figured id have to settle for less?) but like

i wanted halloween riddle and silver general lilia tropical wear riddle i got all of them

also i wanted to get every riddle card cause ppl were doing it for the favorites and i really liked riddle. so i got his birthday bloom. i do NOT have his other birthday cards because ooh boy i do not have the funds for that im perfectly content with my birthday bloom, one ssr at a time please. but so im content with that, still marking it was ok since tbh i dont really expect to get them all since i usually play f2p and also even i got all of them wtf do i do with them ???? but so check anyways for birthday bloom. but also besides that i literally got him in the first ten pull TWICE so like. i feel like that should count ?? cause that was stupid crazy luck 😭

and i wanted two dorm uniform cards who duo'd off of each other so i could have like two of them in one turn and it does the satisfying double duo thing when it switches between them attacking

which i can do. because i got dorm riddle when i first started, and i got dorm azul a bit ago who im working on getting the books for. so i can do that too.

and then i also wanted to be the kind of player who had a bunch of strong cards built that i could switch between a bunch of them for battles. which i do i just need to build them.

so its like.

??? idk what to do now

i yapped a lot more than i thought i would

um.

[hiroshotreplica]

rant incoming sorry. but people treat me so bad cause im open about being autistic and im so tired of it. technically adhd too but people just get annoyed at my adhd traits. everyone literally thinks im a stupid kid that needs to be told about everything. im not good at reading tone, but i know when i recognize when theyre babying me.

even the people that are more well-meaning treat me like a toddler who needs to be controlled. someone thought i was going to pace into a wall and felt the need to hold onto me. i was stepping back in forth in place to keep my train of thought. i did NOT need to be touched in that moment. my biggest mistake in that moment was not telling them to back off.

whenever someone gives out an instruction and i take a second to react or do something else, theres always people who tell me that i need to do it in that babying tone. i know what i was told!! if i didnt know id ask!!

then teacher's talk to me like im just learning how to socialize with people in general and congratulate me on doing any tasks they thought i couldnt do. its all backhanded compliments that always translate to "i thought you were too mentally challenged for that. good job on proving me wrong!" its the stuff i get the least annoyed at, but it really feels like my success wasnt for me, but rather for others to be able to view me as a person.

i shouldnt need to prove people wrong on this stuff. literally the only people that dont do this are people that are also autistic/have adhd. and at this point thats only like 3 people. and people wonder why im so quiet all the time..

[thosesillylittlegayghosts]

FINALE THOUGHTS

DO NOT START IT WITH THEM CRYING HOW AM I MEANT TO DEAL

well there goes my one last night theory

Just because it’s over doesn’t mean its really over and if I think it over maybe-

Actually just kill me off it would hurt less HIS VOICE

NOT THE FISH FUCK OFF

they’re bestie goals i adore them also im sorry but the song being called perfect movie scene and them two looking like they’re in a rom com (from far away) will actually be the death of me

Fuck she’s wearing purple again and he’s wearing beige

SIMON PLS I WANT TO WRAP YOU IN A BLANKET YOU DESERVE SOME COMFORT

damn okay Sara admitting Simon’s right??? NO don’t call yourself stupid you’re finally getting the recognition you deserve

Them having their lesson outside is so real it’s my favourite thing about summer

AHHHH I WAS SO RIGHT THEYRE CLOSING HILLERSKA

SEVERAL WARNINGS

Vincent fuck off fuck off fuck off. Nils please defend him

NO THEYRE GONNA BLAME FELICE AND WILHELM

NOT NILS AND WILHELM YELLING AT EACH OTHER YOU GET ALONG

not August crying

Omg omg he just pulled a Queen Kristina he did what she did is this foreshadowing cause now he’s having a mental breakdown???

Stella and Fredricka get together whilst comforting each other??

Nah I actually love the third years having a group hug that’s amazing

And Henry and Walter talking to their parents (?) but still being together it’s so cute to see all their little favourites

Oh it’s so gonna end at the end of term, hillerskas closing and Simon’s moving away so they’re having like one last day together all of them

Wilhelm you’re killing me here

Has his room changed? I swear he used to have one window

NOT KRIS

NEON PARTY NEON PARTY

Not Vincent and nils calling him out

VINCENT YOURE ACTUALLY TALKING SOME SENSE FOR ONCE

okay so Augusts gonna back out and then Wille can threaten to do whatever he wants

AHHH TALK TO HIM THROUGH THE BOOKCASE WILLE GO ON

noooo they’re both returning crisis

HES WEARING PURPLE

HENRY FUCK OFF

NOOOO HE WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING

okay maybe my one night theory wasn’t entirely off…

Not the housemaster doing shots with them??? No wonder the schools getting shut down

Yes Wilhelm Felice besties era again!!!

LOVE OF MY LIFE AHH

no he thinks he’s gonna kill his mum

HOW DID SHE HIDE A WHOLE BOTTLE OF WINE??

PARTY PRINCE RETURN OF THR PARTY PRINCE TITLE

not her hiding the wine Felice I love you

I love all these people so much man

Alexa play closure by Henry Moodie

HE DID THE THING THE THING WITH THE GRASS

REVOLUTION?!?!!

ERIK WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU NO MATTER WHAT

theyre near tears so im near tears

PLEASE SARA YOURE MEANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH HIM WHAT DO YOU MEAN STRONGER FEELINGS

they’re bestie goals and couple goals and I’ve never really shipped them but honestly I could be convinced-this all happening where they first became friends is just too much

Stella I had hopes for you man

NILS YOU HAVE….??? I seriously thought he was gonna say I have feelings for you

AH HE CAME OUT AND THEYRE ACTUALLY SUPPORTIVE AND ACTUALLY ACTING LIKE FRIENDS I LOVE IT

God he’s so in love HA REJECTED AT LEAST HE APOLOGISED

military service he’s doing military service now?

I CALLED THIS WEEKS AGO THAT THEYD GET BACK TOGETHER THEN SHED REJECT HIM BUT THE LAST EPISODE TRICKED ME

I LOVE YOU ITLL PASS FUCK OFF WHY ARE YOU BRINGING UP THAT TRAUMA RN?!

ONE LAST NIGHT TOGETHER I WAS SO RIGHT

OMG THE LAKE SCENE NOT THE LAKE SCENE

NOT IT TAKES A FOOL TO REMAIN SCENE THE CYCLICAL STRUCTURE IS HURTING ME

NO THIS HURTS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD

HOW CAN IT JUST BE OVER NAH THIS IS MY CAUSE OF DEATH

STEDRIKA GOT TOGETHER AND FELICE IS JUST SMILING I LOVE HER

Them showing Henry and Walter right after Stella and Fredricka get together means they’re also canon actually

REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID EVERYONE WAS FAKE??? REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID YOU COULD BE FREE I HOPE YOU GET THERE. It’s not looking good for the endgame guys

WE WERE A REVOLUTION?! IT SHOULDNT BE A REVOLUTION TO LOVE EACH OTHER???

He’s gonna do something OMG OMG WHAT DOES THAT MEAN HE THREW IT AWAY DOES HE MEAN HES DONE WITH THE CROWN?! WILL I HAVE TO EAT MY WORDS AND WATCH HIM ABDICATE?!

Queen redemption arc???

Say no say no say-damn at least maybe now he’ll get support??

What is it with frogs and this royal family??

Goodbye Simon MY HEART MAN COME ON

I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE SUMMER YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT I CANNOT EVEN IM ACTUALLY NEVER GONNA RECOVER FROM THIS

Girls trip!!!

AHHH HES SO GONNA ABDICATE

but August might…

AHHHH WILHELM I LOVE YOU IVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER TO BE WRONG

NAH ITS A ROMCOM HE PULLED A LOVE ACTUALLY IM NEVER RECOVERING FROM THIS

AHHHHH

FOR HIS OWN SAKE IM SO PROUD

NOT THE FLASHBACKS IM GONNA CRY

THE FINAL LOOK I CALLED IT

[bulbabutt]

yooooooo all i do lately is vent vent vent uhhh

itsssss really annoying to feel traumatized over shit that doesnt actually matter at all but you cant feel like a person who functions cuz of it

like. mkay, few years ago i did a stupid thing which was uh. pre coming out but post taking testosterone tell this girl ('girl' she was older than me, im an adult but sos she) i that i was trans. then that i had a crush on her. like a fucking idiot, i was like 'girl pretty girl nice maybe i can finally have something'

and the thing was like. we had this lax fucking job that didnt matter, we were both basically running this shitty lil store nobody came in for the christmas season. and like i had admitted id never done anything, but i should have noticed it was gonna be weird quicker, cuz while she was understanding of like 'ok yeah youre a dude i get that' it was. hmm. it wasnt really like she felt like that, and she didnt notice so much that shit she would say hurt my feelings. like this was so unserious honestly, but uh the thing abt taking t in your mid 20s is youre like... right im... im going through a literal puberty and being stupid as a teenager. im bad with expressing my feelings normally cuz of that.

anyway. it was a fling really. it was stupid and shouldnt have happened, and it probably hurt me more than i thought, but she got like... jealous of one of the employees who id known from a prev job... who to me was like. literally a child (cuz like, id known her since she was) and that made me feel so weird, cuz i was like ?? why the hell would i be thinking about her like that i havent done ANYTHING that would make you think that. and hello i only said i liked you ? but then i guess the age gap was the same in her eyes and so that might have been why she thought that. but like pfft if youre ~25 dating a ~30 yr old its whatever thats normal. going the other way gets weirder ESP if uh. HELLO i was this kids boss?? that was so weird that she felt like that. i guess cuz i was just better at getting along w people younger than me, as someone who isnt a TRUE millennial, someone whos pop culture references lean gen z or whatever. idk i just know kids like my vibe for some reason. there was NEVER anything else going on i was just... being chill? but that was enough to cause jealousy.

but like yeah theres only so many 3 weeks in 'i dont think this is a good idea i think im bad for you' texts you can get before you just go 'yeah you know what i dont wanna do this anymore actually thats fine no hard feelings'

but i tend to be a person who just cant socialize with people for long periods of time, i ghost people a lot, i dont have a history of having friends i dont know how to maintain relationships, but also i really didnt want to at this point. i felt really gross about it and embarrassed for putting myself out there and admitting a secret about myself.

anyway next year rolls around and i see her at the next job season and she tells me she and another coworker found my tiktok page (cuz shit forcibly adding your contacts IS THE DEVIL) and uh. she had to explain to said coworker that i was trans. which. felt like shit. obviously. i was still not out.

anyway THAT person was a piece of shit who talked down to me and acted like i was terrible at my job and brought aLL the personal shit up as if i had ever trusted HER with any of it. like using my new chosen name in texts and shit to call me out for nothing. i had to give her a fucking 'excuse me, you dont get to call me that i never fucking told you that and its WEIRD that you think you get to call me that just cuz you invaded my privacy.'

she literally told both my bosses about all my private shit with this girl. like all that stupid bullshit about how we had dated and it didnt go well, she spread my private shit. and like... it all... ugh. like i got told by said bosses 'hey. none of what she said is important at all dont even worry about it.' and i really appreciated that. but that year was so bad for me, i felt like i was being watched like everything i did was being misconstrued. everything blew up so fast if there was something sma,, and it was 100% that person making it worse.

next year i just came out finally just was like. yeah alright. got a beard now, had my tits removed, might as well. and everyone was chill. personal beef spreading bitch didnt come back (the bosses were glad of that) shit was chill. was on friendly terms with "ex" being normal, never had any beef that year. was very much a 'the beef we had the previous year was this bitch egging her on'. i was partially running store. everything was fine i thought.

next year. as it turns out? was not asked to help run store that year. was very confused, there was a slot to fill that no one else could and i wasnt asked to do it. instead they had this absolute bigot who made everyone and i mean EVERYONE who worked there so uncomfortable, abusive language bigoted talk, wouldnt let people leave if they were sick ass piece of shit.. yeah he got the job. and everyone complained, but hes friends with the boss so whatever.

anyway reached my wits end. quit mid season. was fine, i was moving anyway, it was whatever.

you know why i wasnt asked to have that job? cuz the ex. for some reason without thinking, said 'yeah ill come back but i dont want him to be in charge after last year'. and she... never told me there was any problem. and that hurt me so bad. like talking to other people who were there, it all seemed like... okay, i was good at my job and would just.. act like a boss and not a friend sometimes. like be the guy going 'hey can you like. go do __ i need to count the till i dont have time to hear your funny joke rn'. and she took it personally. like its fine if youre sensitive to stuff, but i was under so much stress a lot and i dont always handle it well.

and that beef she had that she didnt tell me about turned into me losing a job, losing my sanity, feeling utterly betrayed and forcing everyone else who worked there to deal with the biggest pos as a boss with no repercussions. i heard from people post quitting i was being talked shit about by my prev bosses TO the employees. for the crime of... complaining about a bigot. who was misgendering me, being racist to other employees, making the teens feel unsafe to be around. like this was a SCREAMING old man kind of shit.

and all because the ex, initially, made a comment about not wanting me to be in charge. and i just... i really dont even know what i did. it was so underhanded. and when i asked her about it, she just said 'no i didnt say i WOULDNT work under you i just said i HOPED you wouldnt be in charge, and weeks later i asked why you werent in charge' but like??? no. you literally said something that cost me a job. you did. theres no taking that back, you didnt tell me any beef you had with me, you clearly equated job stress with personal stress. you cost me a job! YOU did that you set off a chain of events! and like i cant even begin to explain how much i helped her with shit at jobs. like i kind of took all the responsibility but we were both being paid the same. i would get called every day by her being confused by things while i was at home and help walk her through shit. it was fine, i was stressed but i was fine i never held it against her!

and she like. blew up that entire shit. that whole job i loved got blown up cuz i thought i trusted a person. like was it entirely her fault? obviously not. but that kind of shit.. it just hurt. the idea that i trusted her with my own shit years ago, then time and time again that blew up in my face until i just cant look back at any of it happily anymore makes me so upset. 8 years of a job i loved w a friend, and it all got ruined cuz i said 'hey by the way, im trans' and that spiralled into something stupid.

and i havent had a job since for SOOOOOOME REASON..... i sit at home doing fuck all cuz i cant stand the idea of being around anybody again. i dont trust anybody. i dont feel safe talking to people, being in public, having a job... its so stupid and i hate everything.

also the whole. got clocked and almost punched had my 6 ft brother not been standing near me at the time thing. so now i am uh. just completely agoraphobic.

anyway. sorry i am just in a bad place lately.

[pumpkinsy0]

Ahaha guess who isn’t coping well rn? Me!

Context: today my period came and now I feel all nauseous and sad. But I solider on and went to do some shopping for some food. Issue? my dad also had like a bad day cause of his meeting. So when he found out I didn’t get his like alcohol he got mad. Not like SUPER mad more like passive aggressive mad??

I feel TERRIBLE because I made his day worse. But I’m also just sad right now. I love my dad so much but I feel like sometimes he just CAN’T be there for me. I can’t always ask for loving because he’ll think I’m being weird or needy. Or when I have a bad day, he’s also having a bad day. So I need to suck it up and act fine cause HE needs to let his feelings out. And I just- I just want my dad. I want him to hug him, I want to not have to earn his love, I just— I want him to stop being angry.

SORRY!! I’m venting majorly hard rn and that’s silly and stupid. But I was hoping you could do HC’s of this for one of the Curtis Gang Members. Maybe how that character would handle this. Maybe they’ll have better luck then me.

hey anon!!! im sorry to hear what ur goin through, u dont deserve it, so dont beat urself up!!! ur living ur own life and u shouldnt feel ashamed that u couldnt help someone else live theirs, plus bad day or not, no matter what it doesnt give someone the right to treat u poorly, its not ur fault!!! not even in the slightest!!!! ur sick on too of that, if ur dad cant show some compassion for that, hes the problem

BUT ITS OK!! its not silly or stupid, ur perfectly fine!!!

w all that said letsssss go w fem two bit w her dad here!! (yes this is genderswapped, but lets just say for this sake, twos dad and mom r the same and didnt swap genders)

•two loves her dad, which she knows is pretty odd considering hes one of the biggest con man she knows and even cons her sometimes but she just cannot help it no matter how many times shes mad at him

•two constantly feels like she needs to prove herself to him in order to get him to say “atta girl”, and in a twisted way, she really does but not really???

•two dad doesnt love her completely, but he does love her to a certain extent, he mostly loves what he can do FOR him and to a smaller extent loves her for her, thats guaranteed

•ANYWAYS, two’s sick and her dad got back home from this one con he tried doing that absolutely fucking busted, he got home and he was already annoyed, anything could set him off

•now he had this other thing planned, what was it??? till this day two doesnt know, BUT he told her to steal something for him, only problem is, she didnt get the right one, and she thought he would at least commend her for getting it, bc it was no easy feat, but she showed it to him, and he didnt go off on her, but she did see a look of disappointment and anger before he up and left to go to the couch, which made her feel worse

•for a good while, when he saw her around the house, he would make a comment about something she did, and it got to a point where two just couldnt take it and locked herself in her room till her mom came home late at night from work, just to avoid seeing him

•two mom HATES them hanging out the way they do and can always tell when something happened so when she sees twos dad at the table drinking and grumbling and twos door locked, she knows whats up and tries comforting two but it doesnt work, twos just beating herself up, so twos mom goes to her dad

•all two heard was yelling, it wasnt for long, maybe for 10 mins, but she ended up going to sleep to escape, she was just tired, hungry, and thirsty

•next day, he dad took her out, but it was so weird, bc its one of the only times hes seen him be hesitant near her, well with anyone really

•he drove her around town for a bit trying to make conversation, but failing miserably, and two knew he was trying to apologize, horrendously and in his own way, but he was trying, and to her that felt like enough, felt like a lot actually

[the-kipsabian]

i just really need to hear its okay if i dont hit some goals i set for myself for this week. or ever, really

[bunny-heels]

giant vent post.

i think ive reached an actual breaking point. i havent had a breakdown this bad in such a long time and it stills feels horrible now as it did back then. i cant really think properly, not straight at least anyway. im going to ramble on and probably have a really hard time connecting everything together. but whatever.

at some point in my teens i developed a hyper self awareness. i would have that part of my brain that always thought rationally, like it was made up of a court of people or was some sort of other entity entirely. its always aware of what i was doing, if im doing something stupid, out of anger, irrational, selfish. its the "adult" part. it knows better than me, it knows right from wrong. and its not even like a "voice in the back of my head" or anything. its a very vocal and very upfront part of my brain thats there all the time. and it still is as im writing this. its never left.

my self awareness is really, really strong. it is pretty much my personal therapist. i think ive been through so much mental trauma in my life that my brain has just developed this as a safety net or firewall or whatever. and i mean it works a lot. only time it doesnt is when im really really depressed. like close to actually self harming or making a plan to kill myself levels.

i remember when i tried self-harming once, using really shitty dull scissors. that self-aware part of my brain was there the whole time, kept telling me this was a bad idea, there was no point in doing it and it would only hurt me and my loved ones if i succeeded in actually causing damage. i heard it the entire time. but i still went through with it and tried so hard to get through my own skin. i couldnt and i finally gave into the self aware and realized i shouldve listened to it sooner cause yeah, its not worth it to hurt myself just to regret it later.

my self awareness knew better like it always does. and like i said, its basically my therapist now. i barely even vent anymore because of it. i used to vent and rant a lot. i did it weekly pretty much because i had my little spaces where i thought i could let my emotions out and then i'd be able to go along with my day. then i had a friend of mine be passive aggressive towards me once because i guess they finally got sick of seeing of my rants on their timeline. and even my own mom told me i shouldnt be talking and showing my sensitive side so much online. then my stupid autism mistook someones joke for being real and i got so embarrassed i tried my best to seem like i was talking about someone else. and then i made friends with people where all they would do is rant and vent and rant and vent and rant and vent. and i got so, so tired of it to the point where i wanted to try everything i can to not be like them.

after that i barely ever ranted or vented again and only did it on very very very few occasions and only in places my friends could see. but every time i felt my emotions grow, my self aware side will just come in and be rational.

"dont think much about what these people online are doing, you know theyre just hateful and spiteful. theres no point in wasting your thoughts and emotions on them. do something you like instead."

"yeah the world is horrible right now. there are children dying and families being torn apart and innocent people being put through torture. and you feel guilty that you cant help them or that you dont deserve to be sad because youre not the one going through it. but its okay to be sad about people you dont know or how bad the world gets, and you dont need to justify your sadness. you know its different for everyone."

"you're reasonably upset about this thing, youre getting angry and there being no progress made is just making your mood worse. but font blow up. you know better than to yell at the people who dont and you dont want it to seem like youre annoyed with them or that you dont care. anger doesnt solve anything. you need patience and to be understanding. you shouldnt act extreme unless the situation really calls for it. then its justified."

if i have an urge to vent, i'll vent to my self awareness. if i get angry, my self awareness will calm me down. if i'm confused, my self awareness will look at everything it can. if i'm doing something i shouldn't, my self awareness lets me know. if i get bad impulses, my self awareness keeps me under control. my self awareness knows best. its the better half of me. its the part of me that i wish i could fully be 24/7. but i just cant.

and to be honest, my self awareness is also my enemy.

"i know you feel like venting but, look at all the problems these other people have. you dont need to talk about your problems with anyone. just use your brain and you'll be fine."

"theres already someone in this group that brings the mood down all the time. they talk negative about themselves and their life. you already feel bad for not being able to do anything. why add on to the list of people who cry and complain? you cant take care of your own issues just fine."

"is this the best time to be going to this person to vent and rant? i mean you have no idea what theyre doing right now. they could be busy, they could be in a good mood and you dont wanna bring them down. what if they dont even want to hear about your problems right now? its best if you just figure it out yourself for now. youre smart, you dont need other people when you already know what to do."

i remember in late elementary and during my whole middle school years, my mental health was the lowest its ever been. during middle school, almost every day was the same. i'd have an okay or mediocre time at school, i'd come home, feel relief for a bit and maybe hang out with friends, then all the sudden this wave of sadness flowed through me. it would hit hard and all at one. i would always have to get away from my computer, climb into bed, and cry. sometimes it was over something that happened at school, sometimes over something online, sometimes something at home, and sometimes for no reason. but it would always happen. no matter what.

i isolated myself when i cried. i hated people seeing or hearing me cry or tear up. i would get made fun of for crying in elementary school, whether if it was from bullying or having issues with class or the teacher. i was and am still really really sensitive. and i was always treated terribly every time i showed it. so when i got emotional or upset, i hid myself away. no one gets bothered by me and i get bothered by no one. eventually after learning some things about psychology and getting a bit of therapy, my brain trained on that and i learned to deal with my emotions all by myself. i didnt need to talk to anyone anymore, no more making someone feel bad or having my problems be ignored or getting made fun of for my emotions. from now on all my problems stayed my problems.

but i dont know how long i can keep going like this. i can rationalize a situation, i can regulate my emotions, i can do things at my own pace and never have to worry about burdening someone or myself ever again. im doing it all myself. im doing it alone.

i dont want to do it alone anymore.

i want to talk to people about my problems again. i want to rant and vent and ramble and scream about things that piss me off and make me upset. i wanna yell while i rant to my friends about something that made me angry. i wanna vent about having a shitty day. i wanna be able to message a friend and tell them i feel like shit. i wanna be able to call a friend while crying and saying that i wish things were better. i wanna be able to talk about how much the world sucks. i wanna have moments where i talk shit about myself, talk about how im a miserable piece of shit and that i dont deserve to be loved and cared for. i dont deserve friends or family, i dont deserve nice things, i dont deserve to have fun, or have medicine, or have people listen to me, or care about me. i wanna scream that i dont matter and that no one cares about me.

and all i want after that is just someone to hug me.

i dont want to hear rational explanations about the world, or about how life and feelings work, or how the human brain works, or how fair and unfair things can be. i dont want cold hard truth. i dont want blunt. my brain already does it for me. i know im being irrational, i know im just upset, i know im just depressed, i knows things are unpredictable and that life isnt a straight path and that not everything is simple and things cant be fixed that easily and that theres always gonna be hard moments and i just have to accept it. i know. i know i know i know.

just please. i just want a moment to he comforted.

i want someone to listen. i want someone to sit there in silence as they hear my begs and pleads. i want them to not say anything as i scream about how terrible everything is. i want them quiet as i complain that life is awful and things should be easier. i dont want them to interrupt while i talk shitty about myself and call myself a horrible person. i dont want them to talk. i want them to listen. i want them to hear me when i cry and listen when i go on and on and on.

and when im finally finished speaking, and im gasping for air as my throat is all raspy from how much and how high ive spoken, and my face is red and i have a massive headache and my eyes and cheeks are soaked in tears and my whole body hurts, i just want them to get up, be right in front or next to me, and hug me.

i want them to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight against them. for them to put their hand on the back of my head and on my mid back and stroke both of them. for them to put my face in the croak of their neck. and to just hear them breath and whisper

"its okay. everything will be okay."

and i'll cry again. i'll cry so hard my whole face will hurt. my eyes will be bloodshot, my face is hot and bright red, my nose is snotty and runny, my whole body is tired, i look like a disheveled mess. and i'll cry into their neck. i'll let it all out.

and i want them to be okay with that. i want them to let me let go. i want them to let me have my moment of breaking down. and when im tired from it all, i want them to soothe me and tell me that everything will be okay. that im not a bad person, that im not ugly, that its okay that im sensitive, that im not a burden, that i deserve to be loved and cared for, that its okay for me to cry, its okay for me to have these moments of weakness, that im not alone, that its okay for me to let it out.

that i dont have to care of myself anymore and theyll be there for me no matter what.

i'll have them and they'll have me.

but even now when im getting close to finishing this, feeling like i finally have let myself have a moment of vulnerability.

that voice comes back, it creeps in at the last few words.

"you do have people that care about you. of course theyre there for you. you know you have people that care. dont pretend they dont exist."

they do exist.

i know they exist.

but

what if theyre busy.

[idealspawn]

throughout my journey on growing as a person somehow the only thing i still havent managed to resolve or find the deepest true cause for is my insecurity regarding my intelligence. every single evidence from outside authorities is screaming in praise and approval of my level of knowledge yet i am filled with such anxiety. i dont know how to not let my high standards lower my self-confidence. i think its good that i do have high standards too in a way but not the anxious perfectionism that comes with it. ive thought maybe im unsure about my competence because i feel like i dont belong. in university since ive had an unconventional route, i sort of lack like a group of coursemates (ive changed universities and now im in like an exchange programme so i havent had and dont have the same curriculum as anyone). so i dont know what i should know and what i shouldnt. like what prior knowledge others have. i dont know where i place in the context. i dont know what is stupid to bring up and what isnt. google also told me that maybe its like the dunning-kruger effect where the more you know the more you become painfully aware of how little you know. i guess thats true. i also in general am like programmed to seek for irregularities (i study philosophy and have a background of doing a lot of things requiring close analysis and pattern recognition) so maybe thats why i only see whats wrong in my work or opinions even if that actually forms a small portion regarding the whole. usually my professors dont even pick up on those things i think are massive logical fallacies and am afraid will fail. i literally only get praise and they are so so so credible too, its not that i get approval from people who dont know any better. i dont know. i have all these explanations in my head but not one of those hits the nail on the head. ive gathered that what relieves my anxiety regarding.. well anything.. is just acknowledgeing it. like cracking the code as to whats the underlying deeper cause that projects itself in this belief, insecurity. but i cant seem to ever get it. i wonder is this too small of a problem to go to a psychologist. right now its not too bad but i actually get like weird intense uncontrollable nervous anxiety twitches and breakdowns from the pure thought of how little i know and what others think of me. im most afraid that they think that i think im smart when in reality im so painfully aware that im speaking on matters i feel i dont have proper knowledge of (yet i must because its an assignment). though i think its pretty apparent that im insecure, at least during presentations or speaking in seminars because of the way i speak (hesitantly). i know that to wait until i truly know sth before i speak is a lost cause. you cant ever fully know anything. and its like. so what if im wrong. nothing happens if im wrong but im so terrified of it. i guess ive tied my intelligence to my identity quite a bit but i dont know if that is it either. i guess you could say i should care less abt what other ppl think but in other areas im so confident and sure of myself i dont know why this is manifest only here. i know im actually quite capable at least compared to some people and there are periods where i do get my feedback on an essay or task and i feel really sure of myself but its a very very small slice of the time. i know comparison isnt proper but its also so necessary and inevitable in my field of study, i cant seem to avoid it. ive genuinely resorted to paying a lot of attention to my looks and makeup that makes me look cute and kind in order to hopefully cause the halo effect that when im silent or say something stupid i get the benefit of the doubt.......... its stupid. but im that afraid :/ of coming across narrow-minded.

[himbos-hotline]

Aesthetic ask for you 🤗 I associate you with a nice, cool breeze. I always find your posts and interactions with you do refreshing and nice. It’s a nice breather and a reminder of why I like the Wrestle-Tumbr community. 💋

AHHHH omg this ask has been living in my head rentfree!! This is like the softest message ive ever gotten and i kinda lowkey teared up when I first got it! I dont get why people are always so like stubborn in the wrestling fandom like those who are always obsessed and addicted to finding and learning about drama and causing arguments make no sense to me. I think people forget that we are watching wrestling to have fun, to hang out with one another and enjoy things. We shouldnt have to listen to stupid arguments and shit about whose better or whatever drama is happening backstage, what happens happens and it shouldnt really impact what we do and how we have fun. Ive seen people put out posts regarding fans of the elite/punk/any other wrestler hoping that they die or "get better taste" because they find someone enjoybable. Not everyone is gonna like what everyone else does, thats why fandom is a great place cuz everyone else has different opinions and feels and vibes about everything but as soon as the fandom starts attacking people for said opinions/facts/vibes/anything else.

Like yes theres certain wrestlers I dont support or like that tumblr ADORES but im not going out of my way to attack and upset people for having a different opinion. Thats not what we're meant to be doing, thats not having a conversation thats just being a wanker. I personally dont understand people who send hate anons at all because honestly, is that all you can do? you see someone happy over something you dont like and you wanna just...cause that person pain for enjoying something different? Why is that your progative? Why is that why you find fun?

Im just trying to vibe and if I see a post or a ship or something I dont personally enjoy- I simply, scroll past it, its not hurting me. If it is hurting me, I block the tag and I simply carry on with my day. I dont expect people to enjoy everything I like. But when people start expecting and setting out what feels like rules for fandoms or expectations, it takes the fun out of existing.

im sorry you got like a multiparagraph rant on such a sweet ask but i never understand the utter hatrid that people carry in their souls. The world is a dark place and you want to push more darkness into someones heart? Are you jealous that their candle of joy is burning when yours is smoldering? Joy is something fragile and fleeting online nowadays, dont be the cunt that shatters it.