#its been the hardest thing ive ever done

[babyboybuckley]

Ok I would like to say something but it's a bit heavy so I'm gonna say it in the tags

[notquiteapex]

[phagodyke]

was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

[listleven]

Simple guide on manifesting ✨

Choosing what you want to manifest. This is genuinely the hardest part. Especially if you are a beginner and you think you choose something a bit out of reach for you.... no. Anything is possible. This is classic but even the word impossible has Im possible in it. The thing with this is if you are trying for the first time and have had bad experiences or are expecting bad you are going to try and go for something more attainable or completely over consume. AND THATS OK. Practice is great. Go for what you think is smaller if it helps you ease. But you can manifest even with doubts bc despite the misinformation you don't need to "feel" like you have it. What happens a lot is people give up and stop persisting when they don't see it in the 3d. So they have "backup options". And then they create this cycle of fear that if they didn't manifest this, will this work?? RELAX!! It will.

Persisting. Of course you've heard a dozen times before but why do you think its so popular. Now here you're going to persist until your desires materialize in the 3d. AKA when your subconscious mind has been impressed. Even in doubt you will persist bc it does not make a difference. You will THINK like the person who has it not feel if you can't. Thats literally it.

TIPS:

In order to think like the person living in the end you can write a story from that POV, affirm, meditate, guided meditations to help you relax, I use subs that use present tense, affirmation tapes, SATs, and sm more.

A little tidbit of my own is affirming that the 3d is no more real than a dream. Im going to make a separate posts in all the ways dreaming and the 3d are so similar. That way you can say stuff like "ah this doesn't matter its just a dream in the true reality I have everything I want." This can also induce lucid dreams because I do reality checks and confirm to myself that im dreaming and immediately start meditating to "ground myself" for 5 seconds by doing this Ive done it in my dreams.

Refocus to the 4d if you're ever in doubt. Everything right now, isn't real not time, or physical objects. Go back to the imagination. Its kind of funny right how everyone gaslighted us into believing imagination is not the reality and we had to "come back to the real world" LMOA its literally vice versa.

If you are persisting and don't see it in the 3d, don't you dare give up to manifest something more "attainable" this creates a loop where you go back to number 1 over and over. Remember you already have it. How do you know? Because this is no more real than a dream and you are the validation.

Accept the 4d as the only real reality

If you have had "failed attempts" Revise. Bc in the 4d no you didn't??? Ex. all those failed pure conscious attempts are not real , you actually have induced them in the 4d. If you keep persisting and accept that all those "attempts" worked, the 3d will conform.

Reminding yourself you have something and reality checks are the same thing. Going back to my prevoius point about my own tidbit. The most biggest similarity in the 3d and dreaming is you can control both using the 4d. We all know how reality checks work right. Persisting works the same way. I mentioned this in a previous tip above. I’ll do many reality checks confirming the 3d is a dream (bc it’s not real and stuff) and I’ll “ground myself” this allows me to trigger lucid dreams when I sleep AND I’ll add in something like “ofc I’m dreaming in the true reality I have —-“. That’s literally how manifestation works. If something “ fails” NO IT DIDNT. If you got a bad grade after manifesting in a good one, what? But you did get a good grade. In your 4d the real reality. Remember. Remind yourself that none of this is real. You did get that A. You are dreaming. None of this is real.

There are no such things as failed attempts. AGAIN going back to the prevoius tip with revision. That did happen. You did shift. Let’s do a “which reality am I in” check right now. Oh and would u look at that you are in your dr.

I’m definitely going to post more about the last two bullet points to give more clarification.

UPDATE: posted a link explaining the second last point, it's right on it. I put one on accepting the 4d as well one mentioning time. Also I will make one on the last point later. I think most of this is clear but if u want me to post on any other point lmk.

~ with love, Jyspire

[miniy00ng1]

Bad Hand

Five Hargreeves x Female!reader

wc: 1576

warnings: swearing, angst?, death (kinda), lmk if i missed anything

find my masterlist here

hi everyone! this is my first piece that ive ever published on tumblr! im a little nervous bc i dont think its that great but i thought id give it a go! sorry for any grammar errors and please give me feedback! thank you <3

-------------------------------------

Ever since you met The Umbrella Academy, your life has been anything but normal–even though you are. Like any other pubescent kid, you admired them and their super abilities. Never imagining in any timeline becoming apart of their mess of a family. And now you couldn’t imagine a world without them.

You remember the day you met the super family. They had saved your life during a bank robbery gone wrong. The siblings came to save the citizens in the bank and managed to disarm every robber except for one. One had gotten away and grabbed onto the closest person they could–you. Your mother yelled and cried when you were pulled away from her.

And you were terrified to say the least. As the robber had his arm wrapped tightly around your neck and a gun pressed to your head you thought it was your last few moments on earth. “You freaks better stop fucking moving or I’m blowing her brains out!” The robber yelled. The Umbrellas stopped in their tracks. 

The siblings eyed each other. Communicating without speaking, their plan was set into motion. Allison shouted at the robber to distract him while Diego had thrown two knives in the robbers direction. One knocking the gun out of the robber’s hand and the other landing into his flesh. 

A bright blue flash appeared next to you and then you felt a rush of motion. You closed your eyes to stop the upcoming wave of nausea from the adrenaline of the situation. Not even noticing you were being held in someone’s arms. A comforting hand was rubbing up and down your arm and whispering calmly that you were safe. 

From then on you were always grateful for the Hargreeves siblings. You had stayed in touch with them and had grown close to them even as they grew apart. You were devastated when Five had disappeared, taking it the hardest as you had grown very fond of the boy who had comforted you during your traumatic event. You were even there for the family when Ben had died.

But now, the world was ending in three days, yet again, and no ones figured out how to stop it. You’ve done it before, in Dallas and the original timeline, but now as everyone has split off and accepted their fate you too start to question if it’s time to give up. 

You glance around from the white table you’re sitting at. Today is Luther’s wedding and  it’s beautiful, although rushed–there’s music, delicious food, and a relaxing atmosphere. Almost as if we have all the time in the world. The thought of losing this family for a third time makes your heart ache. You love them all.

There’s one Hargreeves that you feel differently towards in comparison to the familial love that you have for the rest of the family. Five Hargreeves, stuck in his teenage body after returning home from his apocalypse, was swaying by his lonesome on the dance floor drunk as could be. 

A sinking feeling settles in your stomach, clearly he has given up on trying to save the world–and if anybody had a chance of saving humanity, it would be him. Tears well up in your eyes at the thought of losing everyone you love. You get up in a haste needing to be alone as soon as possible. You head outside for a breath of fresh air, yet another thing that you’ll miss in three days. 

You find yourself quite emotional and you’d like to blame your raging hormones. While  returning from Dallas and escaping the apocalypse a second time, your body had an odd reaction seeing as you were not super like The Umbrella Academy and returned back to its teenage form.  It was quite a shock to everyone but the shock wore off fairly quickly when they were confronted by The Sparrow Academy.

The streets were quiet as you sat on the curb, hands enveloping your knees as you try to comfort yourself. It’s just you out there for a couple of minutes before you hear the door of Hotel Obsidian slamming open. 

Stumbling out comes a drunk Five, uttering nonesense and staggering towards you. “Hey! Y/N! You’re missing the party come back inside!” He hollers as he makes his way to the curb. You don’t respond as he stumbles to sit next to you, the stench of alcohol entering your nose. “Great party am I right?” He laughs out loud. You glance up at him to find him staring at you eyes half closed with a drunk haze clouding his eyes.

“Sure is Five. You seem like you’re enjoying yourself.” You respond glumly, returning your gaze the the empty road. “What’s wrong Y/N? Did you not like the steak they served? It was a bit tough if I do say so myself. But who am I to complain? I’ve had worse food in the apocalypse.” Five chuckles to himself, remembering the days he struggled to survive.

Anger starts to bubble inside of you as you stand up and start to pace,“This isn’t some joke Five. I’m about to lose everyone I love and not a single person inside of that damned hotel gives a shit. Including you.” Five’s faces hardens in response, your outburst seems to have sobered him up in no time.

Five joins you in standing, his nostrils flaring in frustration,“You think I haven’t tried my damn hardest to find a way out of this mess Y/N? Do you think I enjoy knowing that my family is going to die in three days? That you’re going to die. Everytime, I find myself in some apocalypse bullshit and everytime I have to fix it. Me! I’m so sick of trying and trying and nothing that I do works. So maybe, just maybe this time I don’t do anything and let everybody else deal with it because nothing I do ever seems to help!” Five turns away running a hand through his hair before shoving his hands in his pocket.

“I would do anything to live a normal life. To experience the many things I missed out on while I was gone. I want to be a moody teen and a messy 20-something year old. I want to go to experience the ups and downs of a relationship with the woman I love…” Five trails off glancing back at you, “But I’ve been dealt a shitty hand in life, haven’t I?” Five makes his way back to the hotel and you let him, too stunned to call out for him.

The following morning after Luther and Sloane’s wedding, you’re emotionally drained. You spent the whole night in your hotel room thinking about what Five said and how you should apologize. You were so selfish to not consider how he’s been to hell and back, multiple times. 

You head to the lounge area in the lobby, still deep in thought going over all the possible outcomes of your apology. Five, Diego, and Luther are seated at the bar in a hushed conversation as you approach. Tapping Five on the shoulder you ask if you can speak with him in private. He glances at you and says, “No. I have no need to speak with you. I have important matters to address.”

Out of all the things that could of happened, this was not something you considered. You were flabbergasted, hurt even. You knew you were selfish last night, but for him to not even give you the time of day to hear you out. “Woah there Five, you’re being a little harsh there to little Y/N.” Diego says, obviously caught off guard by Five’s attitude change towards you. 

“No, I’m not. I have nothing to say to her nor do I want to hear anything she says.” You try and shrink yourself smaller than you already are. You can feel everyone’s eyes on you as you mutter a quick apology and immediately beeline to the elevator. As the doors close you let yourself go. This is not how you wanted to spend your last days.

In the elevator, you begin to get a weird tingling sensation enveloping your body. Unsure if it’s the feelings from the interaction you just had with Five, you rush down the hallway to your hotel room as soon as the elevator doors open. A wave of nausea washes over you and panic sets in. This must be it. Everyone has slowly been disappearing and now it’s your turn.

Your hands shake as you struggle to open the hotel door with your keycard. You get a glimpse of yourself as you pass by a mirror in the room and it’s not good. Tears blur your vision as reality sets in. You’ll never get the chance to apologize to Five, you’ll never get to see any of the Hargreeves again, it’s over.

On the desk in the hotel room lies a notepad and pen. This is how you let them know. Let them know how much you care and how you’ll miss them. How much you love him and how you wish you could’ve lived a life with him that he yearned for. You try to write as much as possible to The Umbrella Academy but you only have so much time before–

POP

You’re gone. The only thing left is a half written note left for the Hargreeves siblings to find.

[rathayibacter]

KATABASIS

The first thing you feel after death is water. Rushing, frigid, turbulent water. You’re battered about, dragged across jagged rocks and coarse sand in a river with no top or bottom, no beginning or end. Your continuity of experience shatters from the pain; it’s impossible to tell how long you’ve been here because every moment is ripped away from every other.

KATABASIS is a folkpunk pointcrawl ttrpg about trying to escape the afterlife through force. players are spirits who use manifestations of their emotional baggage as weapons, armor, and tools in order to fight their way through a hostile concrete afterlife. maybe, if you fight your hardest, uncover every secret, and come back from every death, you'll manage to find a way out.

Your mind breaks, and you’re unable to hold yourself together. Your memories are torn to shreds, leaving you with only disconnected tatters. Your body is ground to dust, but despite it all your heart persists. It sinks deeper into the water, where it slowly petrifies.

i released the first version of KATABASIS three whole years ago, and it's been sitting in the back of my mind ever since. mechanically and narratively, it was the weirdest thing id done yet, but it also had a load of glaring flaws that've been bugging me ever since. recently, ive been hard at work doing a complete overhaul of the game, taking the best ideas and building a wholly new structure for them.

Finally, you wash ashore. Your heart is dragged onto the sand by the waves, where it’s carefully fished out and left to dry. Your mind, finally able to rest, begins to form the idea of a body. Your heart, no longer flesh, begins beating in your spectral chest.

KATABASIS draws on a pretty wild variety of sources. my three main inspirations, what i think of as the core pillars of the game, are the Dark Souls series, The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien, and the paintings of Jean-Pierre Ugarte. altogether, we wind up with a view of the afterlife that's quiet, painful, inhospitable, and yet still teeming with a strange beauty. it's not what you were promised, and it's not going to welcome you, but if you do manage to escape it'll have planted its seeds in your heart. maybe, when this is all over, you'll even miss it.

You wake up, most of your ordeal forgotten. All you can remember now is the water.

[madohomo]

its my golden bday babyy i am 29 on the 29th today

life updates under the cut!!

i feel like my lifes been going 1000mph for a while now but some notable moments

- i got my masters degree and it was the hardest thing ive ever done honestly i didn't think i was gonna make it but my degree is in applied biosciences!! im v passionate abt a lot of science research so im excited to see where that takes me.

- im a homeowner now !! living w my 3 siblings and splitting a mortgage and its honestly so nice. the house so lovely and ive been through so much roommate hell in the past decade so its been nice to have housing security and ppl i can count on. house is kind of a zoo with so many animals though (2 cats, cockatiel, snake, axolotl, fish & coral) but we make it work

- I'm still working in clinical research as a coordinator on the only NIH funded long covid trial and it's been kind of brutal. not just because of the topic and the study itself being all over the fucking place, but they recently fucked me over financially and now I'm pretty much stuck working there until at least early next year.. but it does feel cool to contribute to such important research that is going to affect millions of people! I've been working on covid studies since summer of 2020 on both treatments and vaccines and now long covid. so I'm pretty burnt out but grateful that I've learned so much about how to protect myself and my loved ones because I'm pretty much the only person I know that still hasn't gotten covid yet. please PLEASE continue to mask, most importantly protect your face holes, and care for each other because everything we know so far is so horrific and we still have very little in terms of treatment options. the future is really looking so grim tbh.

- since October of last year I've been pretty involved in local organizing centered around Palestine. since then and especially during the international call for encampments I've really gotten to know a lot of amazing people who inspire me and remind me that a better world really is possible and we can really fucking build it ourselves. I feel like I've spent a really large portion of my twenties grieving my future because of climate catastrophe and endless war. but for the first time I feel safe and hopeful. I really encourage everyone to connect with your local organizations, meet people and get involved because getting connected and organized is really the only solution to every problem we face and if you're like me and feel existential dread on the daily, this is the best solution.

- and speaking of the friends and comrades we met along the way... I just want to talk about how much I love my friends and the people around me because I would have never made it to 29 without you. I love my local sapphic squad That makes that drained social battery go back to being full. and I love love all my out-of-state friends who continue to talk to me and want to be in my life still despite the distance!! I'm literally flying out tomorrow and seeing East Coast friends I started hanging out with during Homestuck days back in 2013 and now 11 years later. we're still planning shit together.

[bataddictedloony]

Today I had to bring my cat to the pet cremation centre. Leaving her there was one of the hardest things ive ever done. And thats saying smthn since i climbed up and down a mountain yesterday with 0 training.

it feels wrong for her to be there, with people she doesnt know, in a place shes never been. Its awful to think about what theyre gonna do to her. The fact that i’ll get her back tomorrow doesnt really feel like a comfort, cus she wont be herself, she’ll be ashes. But then i think “she’s never gonna be herself again, cus she’s gone.” And i have this pain in my chest all the time, that started the second i got the phonecall and hasn;t gone away yet.

they put her on a lil pillow and put some flowers next to her, and i pet her and held her lil paws and told her i miss her and i love her and tht she was the best cat and it just ripped me to fuckin shreds

I feel guilty that i wasn’t there. I was on holiday, my first relax holiday in ages, and i thought it’d be alright to go just a few days and have my parents check on her and by day 2 of vacation, she was gone. And she was mewing before i left, like she was telling me not to go, it’s almost time, pls stay with me. She had been more clingy than usual the past few weeks, and i just feel like i should’ve known and should;ve canceled my vacation. Like intellectually, i know it’s fine. My parents spent the evening with her, she cuddled with my dad, and then the next day they found her in her favourite sleeping position so we know she went painlessly and comfortable. And i still feel guilty that i wasn’t there to hold her.

i just feel sad. This overwhelming sadness that takes over the body. My back aches and i’ve been throwing up everything i’ve been eating. Though the muscle aches might be the consequences of climbing that damn mountain. Mom says the heat and the stress from pretty much grieving my best friend for 18 years prolly isn’t helping so there’s that.

i have to live with the reality that she’s gone and no longer in pain and that her living up to age 18 meant she had a fantastic life and all that is true. Mostly i just want her back with me, alive and annoying and cuddly.

[lains-reality]

the hardest i keep trying to remain uninterested towards my thoughts and reaffirm that im awareness only and not the ego the more i feel angry that absolutely nothing is happening, not even feeling peace or fulfillment or anything, probably because i went into nd thinking its the same thing as loa and just wanting to get things but rn im done trying to convince myself that i dont care what my thoughts or my reality is, i dont know what to do about any of this anymore because ive read so much information (including the books ada shared) and now my brain feels fried and cant process shit i have no idea of where to go from here

firstly. take a break.

honestly, i've been thinking about honesty lol. i've realised that a lot of what i've been doing is to see a manifestation or feel love. but i never wanted to admit it. i might not ever have any """evidence""" for why i am pure awareness - my ego wants to understand. but i've moved on from trying to make it understand or convincing it. its perfectly fine as it is. it can walk, it can intelectualise (something that i actually want to stop doing with nd!), it can talk. thats okay with me. i don't want to demand or force anything more of it. i know what happens when i force my mind to do something, its a complete mess. i know that for the manifestations i want, that it requires me not to be a body-mind. it require something more. something timeless, boundless, etc. i cannot demand that from my body or mind. so i've decided to move past them, work with them when needed and soothe them when needed.

doing the inner work, depending on your ego, might be a thing you need to do (in fact i'd say that everyone needs to do it). its hard to just force yourself to disbelieve and detach. especially when forcing is not what you're supposed to do.

if you're in my inbox then you've read my posts, right?

so you see that i've recommended self inquiry before yes? and that i've put up books? you sound like you haven't read my posts? i've been reblogging so much and talked several times about no forcing!!

give yourself a chance. calm down. you're putting so much pressure on the body-mind to see your Self, BUT IT CAN'T, you are not that which you can observe!! you can't observe Self, THATS WHY THE MIND WILL NEVER GET IT! stop trying to force yourself to see your divinity, just appriciate the divinity you see now (you're literally ALIVE, breathing!! look at the world, you as Self created for YOU. Self fell in love with the character so much it forgot it was not it!!)

you're looking for some woo-woo magical experience that forever changes you - these ideas about enlightenment are not it. whatever ideas about enlightenment the mind had, throw it in the bin.

before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. after enlightenment - chop wood, carry water!! you'll be going through the world the same, except in how you see the world.

enlightenment is a destruction. its a destruction in how you see the world and yourself. that's it. in the end, you'll feel peace (as others have said so) but you're not there, are you? you're trying to get rid of ego through ego. stop.

you'll never know Self, until you see it yourself. this is through experiments and practise.

stop reading if its frying you're brain. you're entire ask can be solved by "ok i'm gonna take a break this is too much". please the answer to your questions is not some magical shit! this is why i've said before KEEP IT SIMPLE.

this goes to all anons now (not just you anon!) LEARN HOW TO EMOTIONALLY REGULATE YOURSELF. i might just make a big post on this or something.

reading

starting the journey

i've shared this too many times now

another regular article i share

disbelieve

how to let go of vanessa

i'm sorry more ada posts

another one

read this one

LEAVE VANESSA ALONE

[louscartridge]

⇢ ˗ˏˋselenite

han jisung x gn reader

cw- could be really fucking triggering!! selfharm (cutting, burning, hitting, nail/skin picking, working out), comfort, cuddling, reader and jisung say ily, crying, reader goes on a vent, reader has a bit of an anger and pain problem.

han could tell you were having a hard time with staying clean.

the way you would bite your nails and the skin around them more than usual, the way you would bite the inside of your mouth and tongue all the time, they way you would hit your thighs whenever you would get mad. you wouldn’t tell him anything about it though, you didn’t have to.

when han got back to the dorms, he didn’t expect to see you there at all, let alone see you with your arms hugging your knees to your chest, head buried inbetween them and sobbing silently.

han quickly sets his bag down next to the door and makes his way over to you on his bunk. “jagiya, whats wrong?” he asks carefully.

of course he’d had ideas of what might be wrong, but he also couldn’t know for sure if he was correct. he knew that if he was right, he needed to at least try to help you in some way, but he also knew if he was way off, he had to tread around it carefully.

you take in a long, shaky breath before answering. “i cant do it anymore ji”

jisung’s heart dropped at your words.

“do what anymore?”

“stay clean. i hate it. all of it. everyone keeps telling me i’ve been nicer since i’ve been clean.” you wiped your eyes with your hoodie sleeve before continuing. “which is bullshit, by the way, i dont think i’ve been acting any different. i’m mad. all the time. i mean, i was before but whenever i would get mad i was able to do something about it. now? i can’t do shit.”

your crying begins to stop as you speak and the anger in your voice slowly increases.

“felix keeps telling me i can still do something about it, it’ll just be healthy now. which yeah, you could say that- but it’s stupid. ive tried other things, healthy things. but nothing works. pain was.. is, the only thing that actually helps me. with everything.  pain is the only thing that would bring me back. i would cut and burn and hit to feel it. to see it. to see and feel that i’m real. it would bring my anger back down. i would punch a wall so hard my hand would hurt, i would throw something so hard to where my shoulder would ache. pain is the only fucking way and now i can’t even do that. i need to relapse soon or i swear to god i’m gonna go fucking insane.”  

“changbin hyung says i can go to the gym with him, which i think i might do.”

jisung did nothing but gaze at you and listen until he was sure you were done. something he knew no one ever really did in your life.

when you finished and looked at him, he prepared his response.

“i know you hate it, but it’ll be worth it. eventually. and you have been nicer, to an extent.” han said and moved so he was sat next to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder.

“i’m pretty sure thats just how you are though.” he laughs. “and felix is right, in a way. you can still do something about it, it’ll just be healthy. it might feel like it doesn’t do anything but you just gotta get used to it and you will. it’s just gonna take time and this is the hardest part. you gotta put the effort in - you can’t just do something once and expect it to work overnight, you have to put work into it for it to have an affect on your life. something you do a lot is rely on other people.”

“oh but i thought-” you began.

jisung cut you off, knowing what he had said sounded harsh and knowing what you were going to say. ‘oh, but i thought you were ok with that’.

“you can rely on me all you want, that’s fine, as long as you know its not exactly heathy. but you can’t really do that with other people. i know pain has always been a big thing for you, has been since we met. but it’s not something that you should keep doing and you know it. do you think you’ll be able to trust yourself to work out with changbin without turning it into self-harm again?”

“i don’t know, thats why i haven’t gone with him yet. i think if i do it with someone else i would be able to. but probably not if i were to work out by myself.”

han sighed and went to say something but you didn’t let him.

“can we just go to sleep please? i’m so tired and i miss you.” you ask, your voice getting quiet.

“of course jagi.”

han moves behind you and spoons you as you both lay down.

you bury your face in his arms that encircle you.

“i love you. so much. so does chan, and felix, and everyone else in this dorm. just not as much as i do obviously.” han says quietly.

the last part of his sentence made you giggle.  

“you’re becoming yourself again. it might not feel like it yet, but i can see it in you.” han says and kisses your shoulder.

“i love you.” you whisper, kissing his hands as you both fall asleep.

[swordbreakerz]

For the fanfic ask meme: 1, 3, 7, 19, 22!

hi hello sorry for the delay i had classes until 7pm yesterday, many such cases

1. What was your first fic and could you stand to reread it today?

i believe it was a self insert team crafted fanfic, and god no absolutely not, the only reason it hasnt been razed from the internet is bc im lazy and dont remember my wattpad login

3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic?

a queens thief god/follower smut fic that i wrote for the very first weird the tag challenge! it was really fun to write and is still fun to reread, this fandom needs more of this genre of porn and by god i will be the pioneer

7. What’s the fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)?

if we're talking things ive started, theres a lymond chronicles fic i have partially done thats all missing scenes of will and lymond spending time together that by god i will finish one day i swear because we are starved for content over here and i need to release my brainworms into the world. however if we're talking like, conceptually, i have this idea for a marielda timeloop fic from the twins' pov where the only way to end the timeloop is to let events play out how they did in canon, with one of them not being in the know and samothes dying etc, i am so intimidated by trying to write a longfic with real plot and chapters so its been wasting away in my head but GOD it would be so good if i could just WRITE IT

19. If you had to pick one fic/scene/chapter of your work to describe your entire portfolio to a stranger, which would you pick?

this question is the hardest for me to think of an answer to tbh, especially since i dont post like 90% of what i write. honestly either the aforementioned queens thief smut or a mission impossible fic i wrote that firmly establishes both a trans and disabled ethan agenda, bc i think it has some good prose and really sets up what im about (transgendering and disabling my favorite characters)

22. Has there ever been anyone who’s made you freak out because they read your work and followed/favorited/reviewed?

no one famous, really, although my mission impossible fic got a tumblr like from an author i recognized and had read before which was exciting! but like, i truly get this reaction the most about a dear friend of mine, gav, who i love a whole lot both as a friend and a writer so im really flattered any time they read and comment on my stuff!

[mj1343]

Half Life has rewired my brain

Half Life's 25th has completely shattered the notion that these games are just a fun interest i have and enjoy 100%ing and has proven its a full on hyperfixation. The energy has been steadily building ever since the announcement a few days ago, and now that its the 19th, i feel like im going insane. These games mean SO much. Theyre so interesting. The characters are so fun. The expanded world is so neat. I too have felt the pain of Half Life's cliffhanger.

This anniversary update feels fake. This is so much more than i expected. Of course theyd celebrate their big hitter turning 25, but a whole update to the original game? Thats so much MORE. They made Uplink easily accessible! People can play Uplink whenever they want now! They added new MULTIPLAYER MAPS?? They updated the game for new systems and the Steam Deck so more people can play it! (And theyre phasing out HL:Source as the 'main' version and hiding its visibility on steam, LMAO)

These images feel fake. But theyre real! And it feels incredible! I never thought id see the day.

Starting about a year ago i went on a quest to 100% every Half Life game and mod that existed and had steam achievements. I love 100%ing games, and Half Life seemed like an easy answer. And the games just.. grew on me. I was already a fan of Portal, and i had played the full HL series for the first time in one big sitting a few years before. But this made me dive DEEP into the series. and i LOVE it. it makes me go crazy. Ive put so much time into these games. I got The One Free Bullet in HL2E1 on my first playthrough. I did the Gnome run in HL2E2. I started a Gnome run in Alyx as my first playthrough (although i havent played that in a while, VR is exhausting, but i want to get back to it so i can play the other VR mods) I got the Hat AND Pizza achievement at the SAME TIME in Black Mesa. Ive 100%'d Portal and Portal 2's challenge chambers, Entropy Zero and 2 on hard, all sorts of things. These games have grabbed me. My profile is dedicated to displaying the hardest HL achievements i have. and im so happy to have this one on display now too. To honor this silly, wonderful series.

(if you dont know what that is, go to the Half Life 25th anniversary webpage and click on the crowbar at the bottom. Enjoy.)

This game has done irreversible changes to my brain and today feels more important than a national holiday right now. Im buzzing. Im so excited about HALF LIFE !!

(Also, the full Half Life collection is extremely discounted until tomorrow, November 20th, with each game being LESS THAN A DOLLAR EACH, and if you have VR, HL Alyx is only 20$ from its usual 60$, AND THE ORIGINAL HALF LIFE IS COMPLETELY FREE!! Even if you dont care about this series and dont wanna spend like, 5$ on the full series, you can get a FREE video game before it expires tomorrow. Free things are free!)

[maternal-extinct]

any advice to moms with mommy issues?

this is the hardest question ive ever been asked, i dont know if i have a useful answer cus idk my whole personality is my mommy issues? im still figuring it out too

i can say what ive tried, at least

unless youre sure ur bio mom is capable of growth as a person then its worth it to try to get over her.

unless youre sure your teenage groomers are capable of growth then its probably a bad idea to go back to them and instead remember they were the kinda idiots whod groom a lonely teen without learning the ramifications of irrevocably changing a kid's perceptions of attachment and are worth getting over, they probably wouldnt make good parents

if you have cognitive behavioral therapy enlightened mind over matter super powers then try self reparenting, it might work or it might just compartmentalize all your mommy issues into a system protector headmate if you dont have cbt buddha powers ymmv

you could ask your littles for help, some kids dont get it but a lot of kids do get that their parents need to be small and vulnerable sometimes and know theyre being helpful for you. it will feel weird when your own caregiving routines are parroted back at to you but its done out of love

the only thing i havent really tried is something ripley direwoman used to suggest: that trans moms should unionize and figure out how to care for each other cus having no one to care for you kinda sucks even if your a carer, you know?

[wiltking]

Do you have any lgbt+ book recs that are rlly heart breaking, squeezing, throbbing and mind exploding ?

come. take my hand. the hexslinger trilogy by gemma files is one of Thee most painful literary experiences of my life. it will make you want to punch drywall and throw up and scream cry and i dont say this lightly. i Do Not recommend it to just anyone. it is crafted to make your blood pour out of every pore until all thats left is a dry raisin husk.

rodrigo of caledon by david feintuch is where heartbreak goes to haunt you forever. its angry and griefstricken and messy and the 'what could have been's will worm so deep into your bones youll rage. and rage. and rage. but what can be done, when the greatest lengths have already been taken? when even everything itself, is not enough?

if you want one thats still mind exploding and heart rending but has an actual happy ending that wont make you stay up all night questioning all your choices while you go on with the rest of your life pretending youre fine when youre the furthest thing from fine and you dont know if you'll ever be fine again, the rifter by ginn hale.

if youre tired of me reccing these same 3 series over and over (even though theyre some of the best), take your chances with:

the edda of burdens by elizabeth bear. might have a happy ending, if you squint, but is it worth it? the thousands of years worth of pain? the tragedy that spans more than one lifetime and into reincarnation? if it isnt worth it, for the sake of love, than what is? (start with by the mountain bound btw, then -> windwracked stars -> sea thy mistress)

captive prince by c.s. pacat. you either love it or you hate it and everyone who considers it 'good' but in all my years of reading lgbt fiction this one still coasts near the top of the list as some of the most compelling and heart ripping romance. the hardest to stomach scenes are thrown at you right at the start of the first book but the journey (and ending) will grip you close and convince you love is real

the faerie hounds of york by arden powell. this ones sad. genuinely.

a royal affair by john wiltshire. angsty enough to bruise and gentle enough to hurt in an entirely new way. theres joy and hope and love in every corner of darkness, if thats more in line with what youre hungering for, or just need a balm after anything else ive just attempted to inflict upon you. the sequel is good too.

[quaranmine]

How do you go about writing mysteries? Like how your firewatch one has its slow drip of discoveries and backstories and stuff. I keep getting totally lost, cuz I already know my endings, and keep forgetting the audience doesnt and shouldnt know the same. Mysteries are fun. They are also the hardest thing ive ever tried to write.

Honestly, mysteries are SO hard. I don't really know how to write them well either. And your ask honestly surprised me some, because up until this point I have never really considered my AU to succeed as a mystery. There is some legitimate mystery in the story (as to where Mumbo is) but, as it becomes clear in chapter 10 I think, most of the things about the Forest Service, Grian's conspiratorial thinking, and finding someone to blame are just set dressing. Or, to give myself more credit, more character study than reality. Something I've had written in the outline since day one is "Is this a mystery, or is Grian just convinced it's a mystery?" Half of the mystery in the story is finding out what actually happened, and half of the mystery is actually just a character study on Grian's grief and thought processes.

I going to put the rest under a cut, it gets kind of long. I can probably talk about my AU forever honestly. And if anyone reading this isn't caught up to at least chapter 10 this will spoil things:

But anyway. I think the best advice I have is to work backwards. You say you already know your ending so it seems like you're doing that already. I knew from the moment I started working on the story how it was going to end, so working backwards from that is a matter of arranging things to be in the places you want them. Having a complete outline also helps because that's what helped me create that "slow drip of discoveries and backstories" because I wanted to reveal things at a relatively steady pace. As for forgetting that your audience doesn't know things...idk I just try to focus super hard on what has/hasn't been revealed and where everybody's povs are. I think that just becomes a learned thing. I don't just know more than the audience, I know more than all the characters too, and I have to make sure they all operate on exactly what they currently know. I think rereading your already-done work as you go helps to refresh you on this.

Another hard thing about mysteries is like....trusting the audience to make connections. I think that I often overplay my hand and spell things out because I am inexperienced in knowing where to draw the line. For this AU, I didn't really intend it to have any big twist ending. I wanted the truth to be telegraphed as the audience uses their own logic to realize that Grian's POV is biased. And even though I haven't released chapter 11 and 12 yet, I....think I succeeded? Based on the difference in comments from chapter 1 to chapter 10, I think most of my readers are where I want them to be. But I didn't know that until I actually released the chapters. Anyway, I think the surprise is less about what the answer is and more about how it all goes down.

In terms of backstories, Firewatch AU has an almost parallel "before" section. There is never a "flashback" to before Mumbo disappeared. The first scene of the story is the ground zero and we never go before that. So the timeline of the story is always "contained" despite skipping around sometimes? Over the course of the fic I slowly introduce scenes that eventually lead us into exactly how Grian got here in the present-day plot. Pretty much all the "before" sections emphasize one way or another that Grian has been struggling.

I guess I can summarize my intentions with the chapters? There's a specific structure to them and their purpose (if I could help it.) Sometimes I feel like I have this story structured within an inch of its life, which is one reason that I have been able to post as I go without needing to make any retroactive changes to already done chapters.

Chapter one: establishes the central problem in the story, introduces the main characters to each other, and introduces Grian's goals. Honestly, I think this is a great first chapter since it introduces everything it needs to. It swaps time periods more than any other one but that is because I specifically modeled it to reflect the intro of the game Firewatch.

Chapter two: introduces fire as a major plot element, and serves as character development and relationship development between Scar and Grian. Also introduces more of Grian's grief, his thoughts about search and rescue, and specifically (vitally, to the plot) allows Scar see just a glimpse of what's happening with Grian that Grian isn't telling him.

Chapter three: mostly vital character development (especially for Scar) and relationship development; I've got to set them up as becoming friends before the big stuff kicks in. also, fire lookout knowledge!

Chapter four: first big clue (found by chance, not by Grian, which sort of emphasizes the idea of things being out of anyone's control that comes up in the narrative a lot.) Bigger spotlight on Grian's emotions (understatement of the year.) Scar gets officially looped into the Real Story. From this point on the plot progresses relatively regularly.

Chapter five: more character development, and another backstory hint about Scar. also, now that Scar is looped in, he gets to contribute information to the plot by bringing the newest clue (that builds off the information revealed in chapter four) (hey grian, it turns out when you communicate to people they can assist you)

Chapter six: this chapter is mostly a flashback section, which i wanted to avoid in chapters but IIRC it was simply too long to include with chapter five. This section with Pearl serves to emphasize a few different self-destructive tendencies Grian has (isolation, his living space, his financial situation, etc.) And finally, more information Scar gives him since he has contacts from working there so long. Also, from here on out Grian's conspiratorial thinking grows.

-> side note, one part of this story being a mystery that was difficult was that like. without internet research being available in the 80s, most "detective" actions would naturally involve talking to people, interviewing, looking at documents, etc. but since grian is Alone, in the middle of the Wilderness, he has none of that. it's, uh, difficult to introduce clues when the main character has little ability to find them. I had to sit down and be like, realistically HOW can he solve this without just wandering around in the woods endlessly? It's not a fun story if all he does is hike around the forest. In the game Firewatch, that sort of worked, but that's because you're controlling Henry. It doesn't translate well to reading. But with Grian entirely on his own, exploring the forest is the only "tool" he has. So Scar is a useful addition since he actually knows people to talk to that Grian doesn't and can move things forward by bringing more information to the table. But I have to proceed carefully to ensure he isn't just a deus ex machina for any hard parts of the plot. Scar talking to someone off-screen can't solve every problem in the story or else it's a bad story.

Chapter seven: some conflict/roadblocks introduced, because Scar cannot just endlessly poke around and find information without repercussions. also, the govt loooooves to make information available only to specific people. you can and will get slapped on the wrist if you consistently overstep the boundaries of your job. also, i need Grian to contribue his own piece to solving the mystery without Scar, so with his boots-on-the ground he finds the trail Mumbo took to get to from point A to point B. He gets a dangerous idea that will later escalate the plot closer to the climax, since we're officially in the second half of the story. There's a flashback that is purposefully the first part of the story so far to have someone outright state they think Mumbo is dead (and of course it's Jimmy.) Ends with more character development for Scar.

Chapter eight: WOOOO SCAR CHAPTER! but not before some egregiously obvious foreshadowing and a distinct reminder that this is a story about fire. i break from my deep character pov for the first time just to give the readers some scientific and historical background. we finally learn more about Scar, which should in theory retroactively piece together why he specifically wants to help Grian so much: because he sees his own experiences reflected in what Grian is living through now. also, since so much of this story is Grian isolating himself and pushing help away, it is vital for him to be shown someone else Does understand him

Chapter nine: beginning of the end pt 1 of 3. we re-center fire as a risk in the story again. grian commits a few crimes, because his main motivation this whole time has been information. and he simply can't get that information sitting in a tower by himself in the woods. he is desperate to find puzzle pieces to slot together so that everything makes sense. this is also the height of his conspiratorial thinking and there's a big disconnect between how he views other people, and their actual actions. I initially didn't want the story to "leave" its main setting, I wanted it to be a bottle. But that just didn't work in practice when plotting this out.

Chapter ten: beginning of the end pt 2 of 3, and we bring the flashback scenes full circle by including grian's decision to become a lookout in the same chapter we learns he gets fired. a somewhat anti-climactic reveal of there not being all that much conspirarcy to Mumbo's disappearance, in a way that hopefully is not disappointing since hopefully everyone reading realizes Why grian was convinced of this and Why he's wrong. woooo fire again! the return of the mystical bike location that was introduced early in the plot! grian finally being forced to reckon with things he's been avoiding thinking about all story! a fallout between our beloved main characters at the 11th hour!

Chapter eleven and twelve: ???? coming soon but you can guarantee they'll deal with the loose ends here since this story is standalone in its plot

So, idk if that type of analytical breakdown is useful to you. But you can kind of see how my plot was guided by the constraints on my narrative--a lot of my choices involved either needing different characters to help grian, or needing grian to go somewhere else. but i constantly wanted to make sure that it made sense for Scar to help Grian, that Scar never overstepped his place in the narrative by being "all-knowing", and that all of Grian's decisions are driven, even to the point of Problems, by his grief. Also, to kickstart the plot, I needed at least one major shake-up to happen (in this story, finding the bike) or else Grian probably would have been just as doomed as everyone else to look in the wrong places. Since it's more or less a cold case, a breakthrough needed to happen to move things forward. So I suppose what I needed was: first, to know the ending I needed to get to; second, to know where I was starting; and third, to provide at least one major clue to give the characters an opportunity to unravel the rest.

Also, this is less about mysteries and more about characterization, but when writing Grian I put Mumbo at the highest priority in all situations. This means he is willing to tank his financial situation, his jobs, his relationships with his friends, and even commit crimes for Mumbo. He consistently does not consider his own future when making decisions. He's reactive and more than willing to take things to the extreme, which I think makes him honestly more fun to write about. I think his Drive pushes the story even when there's just dialogue sitting in a fire tower. One thing I never wanted to do in this story was soften characters' emotions or actions into something "easier."

anyway, this is a story about trying to find logic in places where there is none, coping badly and learning to cope, accepting support from others, grief, and finding closure <333 thank you for your ask it was very sweet to be asked for advice and hopefully SOMETHING in this essay helps <333

[typeococainee]

#1.

this is too much, this asshole cheating on my mom, my mother thinking im doing drugs again (well i sure wanna do a shit ton of fucking drugs). Ive been thinking about suicide again, i just dont know what else to do anymore, its all too much, therapy isnt working either or mayIbe its because i dont really take it seriously, i dont even want to take my meds anymore, this is all fucking bullshit, im sick and tired of everything. i just cant take it anymore, i want to fucking die. Anyway this isnt because of dumb shit like a fight with my mom or anything, this is real shit, this is drug addiction, its fucking mental illness, its everything. First of all, my stepdad, he is not an asshole, well, kinda, but he isnt like the worst person ever, ive met worse like my actual father who is a fucking junkie without a single braincell (just like me lol), at least my stepdad cares about me, i think so, but he cheated on my mom, and thats a dickhead move. Second, my mother, the most important thing in my world, i cant hate her, we fight a lot, but she is everything to me, i know ive been a complete asshole daughter to her but i still love her, i know shes going through a rough time too, and i cant blame her, all this shit with my stepdad cheating, and me being a drug addict as well is too much for her, i can see it on her face when i look at her; shes tired. Im not going to say ive done nothing for this to happen, its been a rough couple of years, thanks to guess who? fucking ME! yeah ive done some terrible things to my family because of my addiction, besides, my grandpa had cancer last year, we all thought he was gonna die, but he didnt, he recovered and i was sober, but then i fucked up again, like i always do, im tired of this shit, it feels like its not going to get better from here, like im always gonna be he drug addict, the basket case, well, i dont want to be, im trying, but nothing seems to work, it seems like i just end up in the same place i started, thats why ive considered a bunch of options, but none are actually a solution to my problem, just an escape, well, just one is an actual solution, but its the hardest one to do and sometimes i just want to give up and die, or maybe change my name and leave to anywhere in the world, or some shit like that, even jumping off a cliff. Am i even going to be alive to laugh about this stupid stuff i just wrote? i hope not, and if i am, i hope im not living on the streets or anything, im just a stupid girl.