#its been so long since ive actually had a Best Friend so idk if this is normal levels of affection to have for a bestie but. look at him

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

yeah i know i said i would stop posting doodles of him. yeah i lied srry lol

me: wow i would love to learn how to do new things also me the second things go wrong: I Am Full Of So Many Regrets

[hopeheartfilia]

ive been switching lanes waaay too fast this week. Anyway having some mini identity crisises over how little i actually understood about nuclear fusion

[kurthorton-moving]

.

[fruitybashir]

Can't remember if you've talked about this a lot before so, hi, anything about Kris and Jan's relationship? Very curious, I love them!!

oh YES actually ive been dying to talk about them more lol since i couldnt fit any more backstory for them into holidate so let me just *cracks knuckles* tell you their whole deal actually

SO. basically the idea for how they met, got together, became best friends etc was this:

- they met as teens, probably were in the same class

- they discovered they had a lot of similar interests, same humour, very quickly got along really well and became really close friends

- they also both at that point had started to figure out their sexuality, but weren't open about it at all bc like. homophobia in school is no joke.

- at first that also meant they werent out to each other bc oh god what if i tell him and he thinks im disgusting and then he doesnt want to be my friend anymore and also outs me to the whole school and everyone will know

- im not sure exactly what happened but one of them wouldve accidentally found out about the other, the other wouldve panicked, but then like oh shit damn okay we're both queer?? nice!!

- if youve been a queer teen in an almost exclusively cishet environment and suddenly there was another queer teen, you probably know the experience of getting a crush on them partly literally just bc theyre also queer. so that happened.

- basically they were each others first queer relationship and did their first experimenting with each other etc

- they did however realised that hey actually? maybe romance isnt for them. maybe they just have a really deep friendship and they do love each other, just not like that - and that realisation is definitely 100% mutual from the start btw, no heartbreak for either of them, just relief

- so basically they just break off the romantic relationship and stay best friends etc etc

since then, jan has also been in kris' family and stuff like miha and chantal both love jan and treat him like a son. kris definitely first introduced him as a friend, and then came out to his parents with jan as his boyfriend and they werent thrilled but also not hateful. but they were relieved (at first) when they just went back to friends

idk if jan and kris still occasionally experimented or slept together or idk? i guess theyd definitely feel comfortable and secure enough with each other but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

overall (to me) theyre definitely a little more than just best friends but on a very platonic basis. they have a lot of love for each other, theyd kill and die and pretty much do anything for each other, its a very very deep and powerful friendship

oh also, its been mentioned in the fic that they regularly sleep over and also they sleep in the same bed and cuddle and all that, like thats all part of the previous statement. platonic intimacy and all that.

ummmmmm this was kinda just a very long ramble and idk how much of that last bit made sense buy heres some jankris extra lore for you <3

[kumezyzo]

omg so idk if this is a weird request or not but I was watching a tv show and thought this idea would be cool for sapnap😭😭

brothers best friend sapnap (or bbf!sapnap) where him and the reader have to hide their relationship from dream and george (dream or george ,depending on what you prefer to write, being the readers brother)

its not a weird request! ive never thought about this type of scenario with them so this is actually really fun for me to write and come up with plot 😭

i wrote for both brother dream and brother george. and i wrote specifically twin!dream and older brother!george (separately). to make the age gaps less scary😭 and for plot.... nonstreamer fem! reader. and i ended up making this a little too long and angsty so im sorry 😭😭😭

okay, enjoy!....or dont :) m.list

brother!dream

bbf!sap who youve known and been friends with since day one because of twin!dream.

twin!dream who you tell everything and noticed when you started crushing on his closest friend.

"do you like nick?" he would ask you one day when youre eating together silently.

you pause mid bite and look up at him, your heart having skipped a beat. you look back down and finish chewing as you come up with something to say.

"why are you asking me that?" you ask back with an awkward laugh.

"fuck- you do dont you?" he would sigh in annoyance.

"and what if i do?" you ask defensively. "its not like hes gonna like me back. nothings gonna happen."

he looks at you, his eyes looking over your face. the face he had been familiar with his whole life. the face that he had grown with and trusted more than himself.

"whatever..."

bbf!sapnap tried to hide his crush on you from both you and dream but failed miserably with the latter.

"do you like yn?" clays voice sounded through nicks headphones. he furrowed his eyebrows as if to fake confusion although they couldnt see eachother.

"what are you talking about?" he asked, confusion completely lacing his voice.

"do you have a crush on my sister?" clay said more pointedly this time.

"what, no?" nick responded defensively. "why would i like her?"

"i dont know. you just seem... different around her," clay explained, the clicks of his mouse being heard after his voice.

bbf!sapnap who found it harder to hide and fight his feelings for you once he moved in with you two.

in turn, he started leaving the room when you would walk in. he would barely look at you when the three of you were in the room. and you felt your heart hurt more and more slowly as the weeks went on this way.

bbf!sapnap who had to tell you how he felt about you after you mentioned someone asking you out.

"did you say yes?" he asked a little too quickly for his own liking.

"i mean, yea, why not?" you shrug, moving through the kitchen.

"is he...a good guy?" clay asked you from next to nick on the couch. from your angle, it looked almost comical the way they were both turned to look at you. confused expressions heavy on both of their faces.

"i dont know clay," you say with a scoff. "i just met him today."

clay got up and walked over to you, "okay, well... dont die?" he said unsure. you rolled your eyes up at him and crossed your arms. he nudged your shoulder as he went to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle.

"thank you, really. great advice, clay," you say sarcastically as he rounds the kitchen island to the stairs.

"anytime! night!" he calls out as he walks up the stairs. leaving you and nick alone.

you sighed, waiting for him to get up and follow his friend up the stairs. you didnt expect him to stay where he was, watching you from the couch.

"what...?" you ask, looking behind you as if it wasnt you he was looking at.

"so you're going on a date?" he says mainly to himself. "when?"

you let out a deep exhale as you think for a moment, "im not sure yet. he's yet to tell me. told me he would text me when he had a gap in his schedule," you said, trying your best to not make the conversation more awkward than it already was.

"hmm," nick hummed as if in deep thought. he looked down at the white tiled floors. you pursed your lips and glanced at the stairs.

"well, i think im gonna call it a night..." you trail off, hesitantly heading towards the stairs, waiting for him to make some comment or attempt to keep the conversation going.

when he didnt, you continued on your way, beginning you mental spiral on why he was acting this way with you.

"wait, yn," he called out just as you were about to place your foot down on the first step. you looked over at him, confused. "i need to tell you something."

his heart was pounding in his chest, unsure of how to proceed. you felt like you were going to be standing there the whole night with the way he wasn't speaking. and that idea alone made your stomach twist and flutter.

"what is it?" you ask with an awkward laugh.

he took a deep breath, running his hand over his face. the longer you stood there, the more anticipation filled you. the awkward smile on your face falling and slowly replaced with something more serious.

"nick?"

"i like you."

bbf!sapnap who tries to not make it obvious how suddenly he's not ignoring you or avoiding you anymore.

but he cant now that your two are dating. its too hard to not smile at you when you walk into the room or want to sit right next to you when the three of you were sitting around.

bbf!sapnap who sneaks you a few kisses when dream isnt in the room.

"nick!" you whisper shout as you pull away from his kiss. "he literally just walked out of the room, relax"

"but i wanted a kiss," he pouted, leaning in for another. you squirmed and pushed him, looking at him like he was crazy.

brother!dream who knows you two are dating but just waits to see how long you guys can keep this all up. he finds it amusing and annoying but he would rather wait for you guys to tell him on your own time.

when you do tell him, he doesnt even bother to act suprised. he just shrugs and laughs at you with a "you guys are idiots."

brother!dream who later has to sit down and talk to sapnap about dating you.

"dont do extra shit around me. like weird and kissy," clay says with a disgusted face almost as if the idea alone was repulsive. "and please dont have sex while im home."

"what-" nick cuts himself off with an embarrassed laugh.

"im serious. if you do, i dont want to hear that shit."

brother!george

bbf!sapnap who knew of you and spoke to you a few times. the first time he spoke to you in person was when he came to visit george. He had seen you in pictures and an occasional off chance FaceTime call where you're in the background and waved across the room.

when he sees you for the first time, in person, it throws him off guard how different you look. in the few pictures he had seen of you, he hadn't realized they were from years past. you had obviously gotten older and he realized you were his age. not sixteen.

bbf!sapnap who can't stop staring at you when you're having lunch with him and george. everytime you laugh or make a joke, he feels like his heart does a little happy dance.

bbf!sapnap who asks for you number on a night you two are getting to know eachother more.

"hey, whats your number?" he asked, trying to seem nonchalant. you smiled at him suspiciously.

"why?" you asked in response trying not to sound as smug as you felt.

"for...emergency reasons," he said, realizing how much it sounded like bullshit. even to himself.

"right..."

bbf!sapnap who cant help but talk about how he finds you attractive on stream with george.

"yea guys, i met yn too," he says, glancing at george. "you never told me how hot your sister was, george."

george looks at nick with a disgusted face, "what are you talking about?"

nick shrugged and read a chat, changing the subject as george looked at the camera with a grossed out face.

bbf!sapnap who starts talking to you when he gets back to florida without george knowing. the only clues he gives are talking about how he finds you attractive.

when you two start dating, you start to feel bad for lying to olderbrother!george about it. so you ask him hypotheticals and drop small hints here and there.

"would it be weird if i thought sapnap was cute..." you ask him nervously. george looks up from his phone and furrowed his eyebrows.

"...do you...?" he asks slowly, eyeing you weirdly.

you shrug, trying to be nonchalant despite the type of question, "He's not terrible looking... i guess."

he rolls his eyes, "just dont start dating. then it would be weird."

you stare blankly at your phone, as you chuckle humourlessly at the irony.

bbf!sapnap who has to ask dream about what to tell george.

"wait, nick, you guys are dating?" clay asks incredulously. "and this was after george talked in detail about how much he hated the idea of you two together?"

"before, actually," he said, crossing his arms.

"that doesnt make a difference, actually," clay says with a scoff. then he rubs his hand over his face and sighs. "just tell him. worst that can happen is he gets mad and gets over it eventually."

"well, i dont want him to get mad at us," nick said, stress laced in his voice.

"well, you'll have to tell him at some point."

after a week or two, you decided to tell olderbrother!george yourself.

"hey, george, i have something to tell you," you say, trying masking your fear.

"mhm," he hums simply, looking down at his phone. you close your eyes for a second as you took a deep breath. george looks up at you waiting for to speak. "what is it?"

"nick and i are dating..." he looked at you blankly, looking over your face.

"what?" he asks, hoping he just heard you wrong.

"we're dating..." you say. waiting for him to freak out on you.

"okay?" he says dumbly. you laugh awkwardly, confusion clear on your face. "i was kind of expecting it."

yea georges was kinda garbage. specifically the ending. but i kinda wanted to post this. and i guess it wasnt really them hiding it, but more so just them hiding their attraction? so my bad.

i think i just need to actually doing what the asks ask me 😭😭 i hope you enjoyed anyway... -nony

[redrandomposts]

hi, I think the little mermaid au idea is so cool and I really like the concept! How does Mizi feel when she sees what left of Ivan and figures it out? I feel like since they are very close she would be very sad and mad at herself :(

Maybe Ivan can come back and everyone can be happy! :D

-🍎

hi 🍎!!!

mizi wouldn't notice, actually, because sua didn't tell her (or let ivan tell her) what would happen to ivan if he failed. sua's just like that. and... idk, man, she's pretty sheltered. too much to even make conclusions based on death, because she barely knows of it. she only feels something is wrong when she has to go back to the ocean without catching a glimpse of her best friend.

(she doesn't notice the letters, either. perhaps a passing servant had dropped them on accident, or it was specifically left for till)

but i can one up you!!! hahaha!

...it's kinda implied that till actually falls in(sane) love with ivan. why else would ivan would have his own entire wing near till's personal office, with jewelry and all kinds of clothes at his disposal?

ivan doesn't notice this because he was a prince and thought that ah yes, fancy lobster dishes and clothing made of the finest silks... this must be how everyone is treated. (guys ive grown fond of ivan and long black hair??? i knew what i was doing)

i have ideas for a HE, but for now...um, ok, here u are, something u did not ask for (till's pov (might be ooc))

===

it started at the beach. till ran away from his duties yet again (he was six! who entrusted him (of all people, nonetheless) with duties?!), this time heading to the beach. he's never been to the ocean so closely before, and couldn't help to just... get closer.

he never learned to swim before, as he was swamped by all other tasks that he despised. oversight on everyone's part. he was swept away by the waves, hopelessly fighting against the salty water. the salt burned his eyes, making him close them, but when arms (...smaller than him, what the hell!) wrapped around him he tried to open them.

pale skin, a pearl breaking through the water's surface. red and black scales that reflected the light so beautifully, as if sunset had just reached its end. jewels and silver chains that slowly fell back to place when displaced.

...skin? scales? what was going on?! is he like those... those addicts his mentor talked about?!

he closed his eyes. this was not happening. this was not happening.

when he opened his eyes, he caught sight of an angel from the sea. her face was beautiful, her pink hair, wet, fell like waterfalls. she had... blue scales, slightly tan skin, with gold decorating her. (what about the black and red sunset scales? the pale as pearl skin? the silver that reflected the sunlight like the moon did?) she was the most beautiful person he's ever seen in life.

a week later, he couldn't help but sketch the angel that had the wrong colors again and again by the beach. perhaps, if he got her attention again, they could become friends and eventually the king and queen of his kingdom! in his fervent imagination, he didn't notice the pearl until it slipped into the waters again, far from his grasp.

annoyingly, this repeated for weeks on end. over a year (or way more) of weeks, actually! the only reason till didn't think this was a weird doesn't-actually-exist image were the odd things he'd find when he was done sketching. fish, crabs, actual pearls, clams, a shattered but ornately-made hand mirror, a locket without anything inside, dadada...

and when he went into the library to find out (the first time he's stepped into there! everyone weeps in joy!), all he found were books about creatures in the sea that love music and make others love music.

music? he could do that! he brought a guitar out to the beach, and somehow got so lost in the music he forgot to check for the pearl! when he looked again, all he saw was black slipping underneath the waves again. what the fuck?!

each time he'd try this, it'd have the same result. he'd be so engrossed in his music and making songs that he'd barely, if at all, catch black hair and silver jewelry slipping into the ocean before he could clearly see it.

and he had a solution! if he came at night, then he'd surely catch the pearl before it could see him!

...listening to the singing, till once again missed his chance. pearl-pale skin reflected the moonlight, the ocean grew quiet to listen to the music, birds and fish crowded the rock the pearl sits on. black hair blended into the night, and the silver took and stored the moonlight, reflecting it to mimic the moon the best anything ever could.

and when it stopped, till was too dazed to react! he had to watch helplessly as it slipped into the ocean once again.

this continued for years. till was driven insane. a face he's never once seen, yet one he kept on chasing and chasing. he bought silver jewelry, imagining that one day, he could lay it out and trap the pearl once and for all. he bought various clothes, both men and women's, so one day he could cover the pearl and keep it for his eyes only.

it turns out he didnt need it, though! on his sixteenth birthday, the pearl was in the sand, a coat on his body, covering his thighs from the sun. long black hair splayed out, framing the face he's gone insane over trying to catch a glimpse of.

till decided to put him in the unused wing, the one right next to his. he carefully washed him, combing his hair and dressing him up to the neck. this could be a foretelling of his future, maybe. it's a much brighter future than he could have ever imagined.

ice-cold water, the kind that only appeared when the snow fell and the nights grew longer than day, poured on him when letters slipped through his door, sea foam decorating the parchment.

[p-wrryyy-mordial-soup]

Hiiii :3 heres my pack of losers (my x-rank team) because i needed ghost to actually have a team :]. heres a link to all my splatoons on toyhouse

seperate refrences, little blurbs about them and color alts where they all share eachothers colors below the thang v enjoy my word vomit idk how to write character stuff out teehee

sorry his ref is a year old and rushed for artfight </3 also the age is wrong i think i changed it to 23

he's from around where the deepsea metro is/was. had to leave because of unstable surroundings from an unknown to him cause. he's best friends with Rust and her kids, im gonna be honest i haven't actually thought through how they met and ive just realized this oops. since he spent most of his life underground and now lives in the splatlands he gets sunburnt way too frequently to not be covered up constantly, though he wears thing like tank tops and shorts during splatfest since those mostly occur during the night.

He met wisteria and ember first and then 72. they didnt apoint him as leader nor do they really care to have one but he's the tallest so everyone assumes its him. he's the most softspoken out of the 4 of them but thats a really low bar, he has a hard time making decisions but once he does he will die on that hill

(since its not on his ref like the other three)

72 escaped the metro before agent 8 went through it, he had found a memcake that was dropped after a test giving him just a clear enough mind to think for himself some. he ended up finding his way out after a while of accumulating a couple more memcakes, barely any where his though so hes walking around with memories that aren't his. It also took him a while to get used to the fact he isnt a soldier nor a test subject anymore. If he saw another sanitized mollusk he'd probably hide or run away </3.

72 met Ghost while after wandering around the area for a while, and ended up crashing in his car the whole time on ghosts way back to the splatlands (he thought 72 was like, drunk or something since he was tumbling around and seemed to be not the most coherent). he doesnt blink or breath unless hes actively thinking about it :[.

he had a hard time discerning things for a while but hes gotten better, at first he thought ember was just a weird octoling because she wears the old octoling goggles. we beat the evil soap with friendship in this house!!!

personality wise hes pretty hyper and cheerful which isnt usually your first thought upon seeing a zombie, forgot his age but hes an adult, he was encouraged to pick his own birthday :]

I have the least down for him at the moment, there will be more on her prommy </3 she's 21

She's a callie superfan with a vulgar sense of humor, usually the one who purposefully makes other players angry. born and raised in the splatlands she knows all the places to hide and get you lost in.

he's been friends with ember the longest, they where online friends until ember moved to splatsville. was introduced to ghost and 72 later by ember, he likes to antagonize 72 (think sibling antagonizing, theyre both in on it). down to fist fight you in the back of a waffle house

Originally from the inkopolis outskirts, they're 31

Ember's both a video game and turf/anarchy streamer, she has camera in their goggles for the latter. bad habit of talking in twitch/internet lingo outside of streaming. Once she has eyes on something its nearly impossible to get her to do something else. Very friendly outside fighting, will give you nice words and a pat on the back after a game whether they won or not.

met ghost while playing turf war in a random que, he was, in her words, "a bit to intense to be playing in turf" and told him after the game that he should try out anarchy, he was scared of it since he was new to the area. they ended up teaming up and playing a couple games together, later inviting wisteria and eventually 72.

theres def more to these guys but it will take me a long time to get the words in my head to cooperate 🙏im better at answering specific questions about things then coming up with what to write myself

have some color alts :3

[luminecent-sky]

How my team would interact in sagau: my mains

Just from the pic alone, its clear who my fave is.

Anyways, Ayaka is main dps, Barbara is healer(no kokofish yet, didnt have enough to get her after zhongli), Diluc is sub dps and Zhongli is sheild.

Ok now the interactions, with voicelines too!!!

A/n: i will be making one for all of my team comps, idk hot to tag this lol

tw. Yandere and cursing only in diluc's section

》 Kamisato Ayaka,

The first to be bestowed with a golden star.

Ayaka, gets along well with Barbara and Zhongli, hoewever when interacting with diluc she's a bit reserved. Because she knows i don't particularly like Diluc.

As my main, i may have spoiled her rotten.... giving her my first 5☆ weapon, the best artifacts i could get and even breaking my f2p status to get her costume.

Voicelines:

》About the Creator: Adored by the divine

Oh, you want to know when i got bleseed by the creator? Well it was when the first star showers began, in... April? was what the creator called it, anyways i am honored to be the first to receive the golden star and bringing honor to the Kamisato clan. The Almighty Shogun and Lady Guuji even hosted a celebration for this event.

》About the Creator: Honor

Being one of the first blessed is such an honor, i devote my entire being to their grace. What ever she needs i will become, be it her sword, her friend and dare i say it.... maybe even a lover. Everything i am is hers, my heart, my soul. I have travelled with her for so long that i know how to talk and help their grace should they ever come to teyvat.

----------------

》 Barbara Gunnhilder

One of the original blessed, had been under the creator's blessing for the longest.

Barbara gets along with everyone, no matter what team she is placed in. Often seen with Ayaka and Diluc, because of their elemental compatibility.

As the one of the original 4☆ that we get in-game, she has been with me since the start. Her hydro vison helps Ayaka and Diluc do more damage and keeps them alive.

》About the Creator: Blessed by the divine

You know i always thought that the creator would abandon me after a while... It happened to Sir Kaeya, Xiangling and even Noelle. However she never did, i stayed, even gave me better artifacts, a better weapon.... So i decided that when their grace decides to finally decend I'll be one of the first to welcome her. To thank her for all she's given me.

》About the Creator: Worship

Ive learned a great deal of information about the creator, ive added it to the records of the divine in the church library. Most of the rituals we hold in the name of the creator is based on the information ive gotten. From the colors of the celebration to the items we offer. Ill make sure the creator won't have to lift a finger when she gets here, only the best for them. The price does not matter when the entirety of mondstat is willing to sacrifice everything for them.

----------------

》 Diluc Ragnvindr

The second to be bestowed a golden star.

He's got a... complex relationship with everyone. He respects them all as he does with others, however watching them be favoured, cheered on and loved by the creator while he gets at most a "Oh you finally landed that hit, thank fuck." Or a "Damnnit Diluc- ugh I'll switch to Ayaka she would do better." Knowing that he is favoured but having the creator actually let him know are two different things.

Yes im mad at diluc cause he made me lose the xiao banner in june.. days before my birthday. He's very useful in my team but barely crits and stuff.

》About the creator: Unloved by the divine

Ah, about their grace... she doesn’t usually have anything good to say about me. However on the rare time she does i always keep it in my mind. I just have to work harder to earn their grace's forgiveness.

》About the creator: Determination

I have to get stronger so that their grace can finally feel confident in my abilities. I must prove that i can protect them. When the creator descends i can offer the dawn winery as a place of recidence for her. With her there, i can finally show that i am capable enough to be beside her. That one of the safest places in teyvat is by my side. They won't need anyone else to protect her anymore once she's within the manor.

----------------

》 Zhongli - Rex lapis

The seventh to be bestowed a golden star

He gets along with everyone in the team often telling stories about his days as an archon. Always in the team and gfted the second golden weapon. Like barbara keeps the others alive.

Yeah he has primordial winged jade.... cause i got the weapon before xiao banner, and then lost i gave it to him. Somehow despite being on sheild build he crits almost constantly, has the record for my highest crit thus far. Of 62k

》About the creator: Archon blessed by the divine

About their grace? Well she is quite a lively woman. Ah you mean her blessings, to us archons being blessed by her is quite the honor, and as i am the only one she has blessed Barbatos and Ei have been understandably displeased. Buer is still acclimating to godhood after her imprisonment so she remains neutral about her opinion.

》 About the creator: Responsibility

As the oldest of the seven and only archon currently blessed i have made it my duty to serve her grace to the fullest. If she asks of it i shall even retrive my gnosis from Snezhnaya, her needs are of the utmost importance. Anything she desires, be it the rarest and finest jewels or the heads of those who displease her, all will be lain at her feet. When their grace decends i ahall return to my post as the archon and worship their grace with the people of liyue.

Tagging:

@meimeimeirin girl its here.

[whatareyoudoingwithamaserati]

yessss, two friends showed me jennifers body a couple years ago! the movie deserves every single bit of hype it gets, i had so much fun, it was delicious!

(if you have more recs? 👀👀 I love literary/audio horror but ive been too... idk, scared? because i don't know what i like when it comes to visuals?)

LET’S GOOOOO!!! I put off watching Jennifer’s Body for so long because I was worried it would not live up to the hype but MAN was it worth it. They have been plaguing my thoughts ever since. I am especially a massive fan of the costume design because they NAILED that shit!!

Admittedly I’m more into horror movies than novels (it is . So hard to read these days) and podcasts have never caught my fancy, but it would feel wrong to not recommend sign here by Claudia Lux and the ever infamous American psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. I actually haven’t finished American psycho because it is a dense read but my god it’s a beautiful masterpiece of a book and I did not expect it to be as hilarious as it is

Movie wise I tend to jump all over the place and watch whatever catches my fancy so this is. Not a very cohesive rec list and not full of very many older homoerotic movies but. I plan to watch more when I can

First and foremost I am an absolute die hard fan of house of 1000 corpses. I cannot put into words how much I love it in all of its weirdness. It was made by rob zombie of living dead girl fame and you can TELL in the best of ways. It’s got fun colour grading, excessive swearing, weird ass characters, and such a fun setting. I’d say it’s on the medium-heavy side of gore with a couple of body horror scenes and a good bit of blood and mutilation. The seocnd movie is good, third eh, but you don’t actually need to watch those two. They take the camp of the first movie and turn it into a more gritty realistic energy that is almost meanspirited in nature

I’m a HUGE cabin fever fan and I will recommend it at every chance I get, BUT! There is a caveat and that is that it is not only significantly gory but also that it is weird, campy, kitschy, and a real big fan of slurs, LOL. I think we hit several n-words, an r-word or two, and some use of faggot. Some of the later scenes are downright WEIRD but despite it all it is one of my favourite horrors with some really haunting scenes

Hellraiser in general is a wonderful franchise, I love Clive Barker’s choice to base the cenobites around a mix of BDSM and gay culture and how he characterizes pinhead, even if the later movies fuck it up a little. The 2022 standalone is a huge favourite in particular, I love the imagery and the cenobite redesigns that lean heavier into body horror as well as the cinematography. Jamie Clayton’s pinhead is fucking INCREDIBLE to boot

If you like erotic horror, X is definitely a good one to watch - the plot centres around sex workers determined to make an erotic film and make it big, with some immaculate commentary on desirability, beauty, and aging. Good bit of tits and ass in that one, as well as medium level gore. It also has two sequels, Pearl and MaXXXine, which are set in the past and future respectively. Pearl was secretly shot at the same time as X in the same location and focuses on the lust for fame, the need to make it big, and a youthful mania of sorts coming from Pearl. MaXXXine I haven’t actually seen yet so I cannot say much about it, but I hope to get to it soon!

The fear street trilogy is also a remarkably well done series that seamlessly covers one long tangled mystery throughout three different timelines, using the same handful of actors for each one! The use of setting and cinematography is so fuckint cool, the eventual mystery reveal is absolutely wild, and there’s even a canon queer relationship! The gore isn’t too bad, I’d say light but there are some moments that push it to a medium at best

Ready or Not is a movie I enjoy for a variety or reasons (I think the iconic shot of Grace in a ripped and bloody wedding dress is pretty big on the internet), from the setting to the storytelling to Samara Weaving’s fucking banshee screams, with medium-light gore (though the bits that do show up are impactful as all hell. Cabin in the Woods is fun as a deconstruction of the horror genre (and a story that theoretically makes every single horror movie made canon, wow), though it’s also just really fucking funny. Another medium gore!

Candyman 2021 is a brilliant take on an old legacy of movies (again, no previous ones need watching) with a wonderful exploration of gentrification, black trauma, and what makes the candyman the candyman. I know I keep talking about cinematography but holy fuck, the multimedia use in this film in particular. Immaculate. I feel practically obligated to recommend Deathgasm, which is an indie horror with some pretty wicked gore, if not just because the main characters are all metalheads, and as one myself, it’s SO COOL to see us as protags in a horror movie

Last but not least, Prey 2022. Holy fuck, Prey is an utter masterpiece. It’s the latest addition to the predator franchise, another one of those ones you don’t Need to have watched in order to watch prey, but havint seen them gives the watching experience a good bit more depth, with iconic lines being given a new spin. It’s technically a prequel to the first ever predator movie, focusing on one of the first few appearances of a predator on earth (ehhh debatable considering the canon of aliens vs predator but I’m ignoring that for the sake of conciseness), giving it more a more basic appearance and weapons, while also letting it kick absolute ASS. The plot is incredible, the cinematography is incredible, the CGI animals are so much better than ever expected, and it’s also the first ever feature length film to ever have an official Comanche dub!!! Holy fuck!!

As a bonus, though I haven’t seen it, Doctor Sleep also seems like a really well done movie! It’s based off of the Stephen King book set after the shining, reprising and revisiting a lot of iconic moments to tell a new story with fucking incredible visuals that put their own spin on the shining

[angelfevr]

❤️️❤️️❤️️ :3

i have multiple wips so i'll talk abt All of them

this may get long, so.

icdwd - aka i couldn't dance with death if i tried!! its a zero escape fic mostly exploring a potential (loveless) relationship between akane and mira. its abt a lot of things i realize i never rlly touched upon in my other works?? for context im aromantic and i like. Constantly talk abt it even to my allo friends esp abt the constant amatonormativity the world likes to throw at us. specfically how ppl feel pressured to be in a relationship. why? well, various reasons: to fit in, to be seen as "more mature" (aspecs tend to experience infantilization and this doubles if ur autistic), to be seen as human, bc u feel like itll make u whole, bc u dont realize theres another option!! ive always hced my favs as aro ever since i realized it, but i always used to focus on the ace part of my identity. so i never rlly got to write a fic that explores aromanticism, aside from a fic i wrote four years ago in which leorio and kurapika hxh r in a qpr

another thing is i have ocd and for that reason, i dont like to write abt sexual topics . but in this fic, ive been sorta delving into that (its literally nothing just a fade to black that immediately goes to like the character waking up in another character's bedroom) and idk i think it shows my growth in a way?? that im willing to finally write that stuff without my ocd trying to kill me??? idk its . smth

im also having a Lot of fun writing akane and miras dynamic. i think, with me hcing them as aro (akanes aroace and miras an aro lesbian), i feel itd stand out more compared to other mirakane fanworks and interpretations . like this isnt a relationship ur supposed to root for!!! its abusive, its messy, its Uncomfortable, gory, and both women have ulterior motives. idk i like writing abt two unabashedly flawed queer women and having them navigate a relationship when one has no experience while the other has experience but whose disability prevents them from connecting w others (akane has a similar struggle), idk!! its an interesting dynamic

queerpei - i like a lot of the descriptions i wrote. im so used to writing akane that its soooo weird writing in the headspace of anyone else. but junpeis introspection is fun, like he has a mind of his own... i have this experience when writing akane (im plural so. go figure) and even when writing diana

angelus custos - so im kinda in the planning stage for this one but . Wow. im so proud of myself and how far ive come with this project, and just in general?? i used to primarily be a fic writer until 2018, when i decided to dabble in making my own characters. its always been bittersweet, bc my friends (all artists, never writers) would tell me to just make ocs instead of fanfic and my 12-14 yr old self would always be upset by that. so my characters never rlly came into their own so to speak

until This Year. ive been watching this rlly awesome youtuber named local script man. he's a screenwriter but a lot of his advice can apply to writing as well. i dont remember which video it was, but he talked abt how a characters' motivations can serve as fuel for smth deeper, like an insecurity for example. which THEN can serve as a backstory. and idky but it all clicked in my head?? character work became so much easier when i applied this to my process. i no longer had trouble w coming up w things that seemed to come naturally to most. bc i Know im good at fleshing out characters, i just needed to know how to do it for original work, even tho ive had friends praise my characters in the past

but yeah thats prob the best part of the story rn . im still having trouble w what their voices would sound like, speech patterns and the like, but thatd prob come around when i actually write the damn thing lol

BtSoyT - the idea itself has me so excited!!! ive been watching some horror movies, specifically recs from my friend @zebatverse hehe, and idk i feel like ive been getting more inspo and knowing what i'd wanna do if i were to write horror . i have several other ideas besides this in my notebook but this is one i wanna write the most. i even made a moodboard for it ^_^

[2bit-sunshine]

Hi everyone im danny and im feeling good for once in my twenties. Have been since about may. I cut off an old friend who mistreated my best friend. Ive helped my friends a ton. Im working on a security clearence for work. I am feeling much more confidant driving than i have ever. Ive bern socializing a lot and playing games like i used to. Ive been world building again and spending more time with my dog. Im working on my health and am actually confident in my body in a way i havent felt since i was thin as a waif. But i havent really lost a lot of weight.

The world is bleak and i worry and i hurt and i grieve all the people suffering out there. But right now my life actually feels. Worth it. My life is worth it. I havent thought about how id kill myself in months. I still dont have someone or someones to be intimate with and that hurts as it alwayd has. But im doing better

I am better

Idk. I really thought id be dead this time 12 years a go and i would be too dead to care about anything. I didnt think id be alive before i felt any kind of content or ambition to do more. But here i am. Im feeling content. And i want more too.

I know it sounds cliche at this point. But it does get better. I know it could get worse. But this feeling i have. This happiness? Its worth it. Its worth it to endure the bad times. Because while nothing lasts forever. The bad doesnt last forever either. I think part of it was acceptance of the things i had no power over and the things i could control, i have all the power to do so.

I alsl have amazing friends. I used to think people barely tolerated me and hated me. I spent years being told that if people didnt want me around they wouldnt have me around. I told myself it sometimes but never felt it. Never believed it.

But i do now. I believe it now. You gotta keep telling yourself those words of advice your loved ones give you. They will make sense one day. You will feel them when they are true. Your demons and shadows are not what defines you forever.

I worry so much for my friends who have such troubles still. I worry ill fall back into old habits. I worry some tragic thing is going to show me what im really made of. But it will be okay again. The sun will shine again. The spring will come again, however brief. The birds will sing again. The stars will always shine.

Idk. If youre reading this and having trouble. With yourself or your friends or your lovers or your family. It does get better. It might need time. It might be a long time. Its taken me over 2 decades to feel happy like i imagine i was as a child. And it hurt a lot along the way amd i made so manh mistakes amd fuck ups and lost friends and lovers.

Ive sat by while people get hurt. I wondered if i could even be forgiven for that.

The answer was yes. In a way. And sometimes it was no.

I cant change the past and some things shouldnt have happened. Shouldnt have at all. But they did and here we are. What to do now?

Forward. The only direction that really matters is forward. So forward i go. We go. Youll go.

The most important step is the next one.

You got this friends.

[acaciapines]

Your nanowrimo pieces are soooo goooood they hit so hard fr fr. I’m especially LOVING today’s one with the owl & the collector even tho I don’t rlly know that much abt toh bc I haven’t watched it but I can tell that u LOVE IT & I can’t wait to learn more thru osmosis once the fic is poooosteeeed✨ (i WILL read it i PROMISE i SWEAR)

Anyways give us the thoughts, the tea, tell us how you make the words do that✨ anything u wanna give in regards to today’s bit!! We’re not picky!

Hope y’all are doing okay! Gal says hi :) Remember to eat and drink something, take breaks, and look after yourselves and each other! We love you! This has been a Daily Interaction Ask <3

he he :3 im glad youre enjoying!! its been really fun to pick out my favorite bits even when usually those are the ones w/out context lol. look at my owl and weep boy. firefly <3

YOU WILL LEARN SO MUCH VIA OSMOSIS....literally now that im also doing something for s1 its like. why watch owl house we have owl house at home (the owl house at home is a 1 million word daemon au) (<- 1 mil is not a joke btw idk if it'll hit it but itll at least come very close. no idk why i did this.)

as for today! hmmm...

its truly so fun to write the collector. like im not joking about him being my favorite owl house character despite his maybe twenty total minutes of screentime, so its been such a JOY to expand his role in this series!!

bc like. god. actually i think i wrote a whole like. bit of flash fiction/prose poetry type thing for them a while ago. probably in my files somewhere. but just. youre an immortal eight year old. you are in these years where you need to interact with other people for your own mental stability and health. to figure out the whole Being A Person thing. and you are trapped for like, centuries. trapped away from everyone and everything and DUST, which, in universe, in literally connection personified. you're cut off from all of this.

and you are, let me say again, eight years old.

truly the collector is just. hes had everyone he ever cares about leave him--his siblings the other archivists left him behind not out of any sense of cruelty, really, but because caring about people just isnt really a thing they do. quite frankly they live so long they didnt even notice. theyre far-away stars. not far because they're mean. just because thats what stars do.

and then king's dad (who um. doesnt have a name <3 this is why the collector calls him 'the big bully' its literally bc i never gave him a name--) was an adult the collector actually trusted and looked up to (he meshed REALLY WELL into titan society until the archivists started Doing A Murder since titans are the only beings that match them in power and they have very very different ideas about dust). like ive said before the collector is owlbeastkin but before that they never had a super stable sense of identity--in another world where they stayed w/ the titans they wouldve ended up a titan.

and then king's dad just. trapped him in a tablet forever.

and like, to be fair to king's dad he was reacting out of fear and the best knowledge he had (he assumed the collector led the archivists to the titans, and like, he did, but its not like he knew he was doing that, and, you know, poor guy had seen a huge chuck of his fellow titans killed including babies and eggs of which he had an egg to consider), but it still TRAPPED THEM. and then he died and so did all the rest of the titans so nobody could free the collector even if they wanted to.

and then BELOS, who manipulated and lied to the collector for so long and was also literally his only friend after being alone forever, so like, of course the collector just blindly went along with whatever he said. he was gonna free them!! he listened to them when they talked about stardust which nobody else ever did! he had no idea what the fuck a witch was! he just liked being able to see the stardust sometimes, and belos brought him to places with a lot of stardust. to destroy it, but like--you know. it was THERE.

but all these people were just USING them, and they never really understand that until king comes around. and king's also a scared eight year old!! but like. king's also not wrong. the collector did aid belos in destroying the entire isles. like no joke belos SUCCEEDS here. like not long-term obvi this has a happy ending but at the point we're in at for the future? it doesnt matter that the draining spell failed. all the palistrom trees are dead. witch society Cannot come back from that even if they did end up beating the collector. theyre doomed.

anyways what was i saying. collector. right.

so like, then they meet firefly/grr-click-growl/wings-across-night/the owl beast (king of having so many names i love her <3) and shes like, the first person who cares for them and ISNT using them. even king is using them!! but firefly has seen Some Shit. she sees the collector as a hatchling who was kicked out of his nest and is doing her best to be some sort of stable figure for him, but she doesnt Not see the stuff he's done.

the collector took over the world bc he's scared--all he's ever known is being used and trapped so he doesnt exactly trust most people easily. firefly would Love to not be in this world anymore. shes also got a loyalty to eda and king and luzmari. and, like, cool motive, still trapping an entire society of people.

but like. shes the one who is here right now and nobody else is trying to help this kid.

but the collector just. hes just an eight year old. a very, very old eight year old. but he doesnt understand things like "you can make the wrong choices and still choose to do better later" and "im mad at what you did but that doesnt mean i dont care about you."

he just sees someone upset with him. just sees another person who used him and doesnt care and is going to leave bc everyone leaves him and in a world where EVERY SINGLE PERSON comes in pairs, hes the only one who stands alone.

basically tl;dr: collector my beloved <3

[alegator]

hiii everyone :D i miss tumblr so bad and the ability to make long form blog posts ugh twitter is not the same plus the site and app are literally so shit. even though the tumblr app is not much better sometimes!! ive decided i want to post more on here to continue my little virtual diary…. I love the tagging system and most of all, love being able to look back and read my own updates!!! it’s crazy how it can help me recall the exact feeling of that moment… it feels special :) Twitter is great for quick fleeting thoughts so i wanna make lengthy life posts on here as a little time capsule, so i can have fun looking back and reading all my posts 10 years from now (if this site still exists. but i joined in 2011 and its still here so who knows). plus ive been posting my entire life on here for YEARS so who cares i will be vulnerable and over share and shit!!!!!! as is tumblr tradition… fuck it if youre my cousin on my homestuck side you can have my SSN.

moving on, here are fun life updates:

- celebrated my 11th anniversary on Feb 14th with the love of my life, Tenma!!!! i have been affectionately calling it the 7/11 anniversary since it’s been 11 years together, but also 7 years married 🤯 it actually fucks me up so bad that 2017 was 7 years ago like. genuinely lol FUCKKK HOOWWW 2017 should’ve been like 3 years ago. we choose to get married on the same day Tenma asked me out, which is also Valentine’s Day, and it was the best decision of all time for SO many reasons. maybe i will make a fun big post detailing those thoughts that another time!! we spent our anniversary day trying out a new coffee spot (so cute and SO pink omg), taking photo booth pictures at a new spot, exploring cute shops, and having an insanely delicious set menu i think maybe 6 courses? at a very fancy restaurant. i think 3 years ago we tried a new restaurant on our anniversary w their set Valentine’s Day menu course and it was so good, fun, and the best way to try out new foods so we’ve kept it going and i LOVE IT!!!!! i am already excited to see what tenma picks out for next year lol. finished the night by watching In The Mood For Love at our favorite local movie theater and i LOVED the movie, the whole end until bedtime we were just talking about it and dissecting it together. i love our life!!!!!!!!!

-tenma and i went to disneyland at the end of February for our anniversary trip!! ive gone before but they haven’t. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUN i am not a Disney fan at all but i love disneyland idk it’s just fun as fuck… um my feet were fucked afterwards lol but so worth it. one day at disneyland and the next at California aventure i wanna go back already but most importantly, tenma was already talking about wanting to go back and that makes me so happy bc it means they really enjoyed it!!! yay!!!! they even went on rides they thought were really scary just so we could try them together just once and that filled my heart with joy. then we also got to meet my online friend and had hotpot together. DELICIOUS i want to go back and explore LA next time and see more friends!!!! we are maybe planning a trip to San Fran in a few months though as the consulate is there to get my passport so that will take priority over any other trips☝🏼

-I GOT MY GREENCARD YEAGHHRHRHFJF!!!!!!!! ok actually i got it last year lol i wasn’t sure if i should put that on here but actually im so happy so fuck it!!! and then we celebrated by having a fancy dinner and I shared the news w the waiter who said he also did the same process w his wife! and yes i cried when i got my greencard idc i am HAPPY! crazy bc i got DACA for the first time in 2013 and then in 2023 i got my greencard… it’s been a fucking rollercoaster. and tenmas been there literally every step of the way…. Tenma is my rock I love them so much im crying typing this bc of how much i love them and how much they always support me and augnfngnfmg

-concerts this year have been Sonic symphony, kikuo/bo en/gus, Hannah Diamond, and hatsune miku (mikuexpo 2024)!!!!!!!! i loved all of the concerts genuinely so fun and next month i am taking my youngest sibling to a concert of a guy I don’t know but they love him so we will go and have a blast 🫡 idk if I’ll buy more tickets to more concerts but even if I don’t, it’s been a really really good year concert wise and i got to experience so many fun shows i never thought i would see live before!!

-spent time with lovely friends and celebrated old friendships and new ones yaaaay i love my friends and im blessed to have a good support system and I can’t wait to see what new friends I make in the future….

-I have a cold rn and took nighttime meds and unfortunately they are starting to hit so it’s time to say goodnight to tumblr…

If you read this far ummm ok weirdo… lol just kidding but i will try and post my lil life updates and pics more often so that not all my posts are like. months worth of writing… or maybe I won’t and the next time I make a post will be in a year idk!!!! this site is full of so many memories both good and bad and it’s dear to my lil heart, even if the feel isn’t the same since everyone mass migrated to Twitter, I want to come back here more often and make new memories whenever I can. goodnight 💤

[savethepinecones]

1, 16, 20, 25! + any one of your choosing

1: what is your nickname?

i dont have any based on my name since its already v short but ive had internet folks call me pinecones or piney and i like those!

16: what do you think makes you attractive?

i think physically my eyes are my best feature but if were talking personality uhh i guess ive got a solid sense of humor?

20: whats a totally random and useless fact that you know?

every piece of knowledge ive ever had just abandoned me lol. if you feel like youre going to sneeze you can stop it by touching the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth a few times, like if you were saying la la la (i think i was told youre supposed to say "pineapple" but its the tongue thing thats the actually effective part)

25: do you/have you played any sports?

oh man. i did gymnastics for a bit when i was like four. tried ballet when i was seven but eventually decided to pursue piano instead (my mom had my sister and i try both for a year and then pick one to stick with). i also was on a soccer team at some point, maybe in first grade? i actually dont remember it at all but i vaguely remember looking at the team photos. also i remember the high socks lol. and then i briefly did softball in middle school because my childhood best friend had picked it up the year before and i wanted to fit in. im very asthmatic though so most if not all of these Did Not Go Well lol

and for the bonus one ill go with 19: a time that you told a lie

first off some important context for this is that i was raised mormon and every summer the church would have all the girls ages 13-17 go camping for like a week. they do hikes and crafts and devotionals etc. i think its all standard church camp type stuff.

so the first year i went they had the younger girls go on a short hike while the older ones went on a longer one. when we got back, a couple friends and i were curious about the longer hike so we decided to check the trail out during free time. we kept walking for quite a while. idk how long it was but we knew wed been gone long enough that people would have noticed we were missing. if i had to guess id say maybe an hour or so idk. anyway we got to a point where the path started to trail off and disappear so we decided to stop for a bit and then work our way back. we were in a pretty big meadow but there were some trees partway down a hill and one of my friends went down there to pee and carved some initials on a tree. i think she said she carved something for me and my crush at the time but i never saw it lol.

anyway eventually we started to head back and at some point we realized we were probably gonna get in trouble for disappearing. i was really worried about it but one of the girls was like "no dont worry about it ill take the blame" and suggested that we tell everyone that she had seen a deer and followed it and then the other girl and i went after her because we didnt want her to get lost in the woods alone.

about halfway back to camp we started hearing people calling our names. we kinda figured there might be some people looking for us but what we werent expecting was that they were men. remember, this is Girls Camp. usually the bishop would show up for a day or two but other than there werent any guys up there. turned out the bishop showed up while we were gone and some other guys whod driven up with him to drop off some food offered to help him look for us.

eventually the search party found us and we all stuck to our story when they asked us what had happened. i think we also said that initially wed been lost and really scared but then we said a prayer and just like that we found a path! and thats why they found us on a trail even though wed supposedly run off into the woods at random. it was very dramatic and spiritual. and also complete bullshit.

so we finally get back to camp and the leaders are all fretting over us. the girl who "followed the deer" did get a lecture about not chasing wild animals because they could be dangerous but that was about it. no big repurcussions.

that night we had a devotional, which is basically just the whole group sitting around the campfire and telling stories about when they felt the holy spirit or whatever. usually the leaders will start off by reading some scriptures or a talk from some church official and then theyll turn it over to the kids to talk about their experiences. in the middle of this, a deer wandered into the clearing near our camp. some of the girls pointed it out because cool, a deer. but the moment the three of us saw it, my friend who had supposedly followed a deer into the woods earlier that same day jumped up and shouted "thats the deer!"

for some reason everyone, including the adults, took it at face value that this random deer in the woods must be the exact same one wed supposedly seen earlier that day and also that it was some sort of sign that god had been looking out for us while we were "lost"

looking back on it now it doesnt really seem like a big lie but it felt like a huge deal at the time because we lied to The Bishop. for a long time i considered this to be the worst thing id ever done. we never came clean to anyone whod been there at the time and i dont think i even told my mom the real story until like a decade later lol

that story ended up being way longer than i thought it would be lol (ive told it before but never written the whole thing out so the word count is surprising) but its probably the most exciting lie ive got. the alternative stories are mostly like "i was super depressed but didnt think that would be considered a valid reason to bail on something so i said i had a migraine" so i think it was the best option despite the length. also its been a while since i thought about this and it made me nostalgic so yay

thanks for asking!! i had a lot of fun answering these (you can tell by how long this post ended up being lol)

[eddie-rifff]

suicide talk tw

tl;dr at the end

lol. something happened at work on friday that may very well not relate to me or effect me in any way but i am worried im going to lose my job over it. like i want to clear it up asap but im worried asking about it will make me seem insane in case it DOESNT relate to me but if it does i need to know. so yeah all day ive been like hardcore anxiety at a 8/10 with 10 being screaming crying panic wondering what im going to do with my life if i get fired. like if im too stupid to do what i do now, and its the only thing i have experience in, then what the fuck am i supposed to do? proofreading is my only "skill" like seriously i cant do anything else. so if i get fired for the one thing i was supposed to be good at i think thats it for me as in lights out shows over. so i told that to my friend and he was like well how would you do it and i was like ummmmm. idk actually. in the past ive tried to OD on meds and, clearly, that didnt work. we didnt have anything in our house powerful enough then and i dont think we do now but id have to go through my dads stuff to be sure. our guns are like not really capable of killing a human theyre more like varmint guns so that wont do. we have the train tracks but i couldnt do that do my family so. if i get fired im not fucking applying to hundreds of jobs for three years again. i think i might just live in misery forever until i can find a way to kms i guess.

but like i said. i dont even know if what happened friday has anything to do with me. im just so so so so worried that it does. i am so incredibly fortunate to have the job i do, such that any seed of doubt that can be scraped together to suggest that it might be in jeopardy just makes me insane.

like idk it would really probably be for the best that i do die asap for my own good. but ive seen firsthand three times now how absolutely devastating the suicide of a young person is on countless people around them. like the person whose visitation i went to was the sister of a former best friend who i met maybe two times 15 years ago and i have been thinking about her and tearing up regularly since i found out. but idk im not nearly as likable as she was so i wouldnt necessarily have that effect. i kind of fucking suck in fact. i know shelby and my family and my ex would be very hurt but is living out the rest of my life in pain worth it just to spare their feelings? i guess thats the question every suicidal person has to ask.

like i know i am no one's #1. i know my place. but i know my family still loves me in some capacity and imagining them finding me dead and grieving me just hurts so badly. but if i get fired and am faced with what i had to deal with prior to this job idk what else im supposed to do. it really really feels like my only option

i am so fucking sick of trying to get better. i WAS better but then the idea of being fired got put into my head (by myself) and here i am again. i really will be ok as long as i dont get fired. but bro i dont think i can take any more of it if i do. the therapists and the shrinks and the drugs and the "im here if you need to talk"s i just cant fucking take another second of it.

tl;dr

im worried about getting fired because im reading into something that happened at work and now im suicidal again hooray

[ofcowardiceandkings]

mmh thing because of dad poll

this is such a nearly 5 am post lol

hhh i feel a little odd about my relationship with my parents sometimes because yknow its ... strsnge

ive reflected on it a lot since i was a lot younger as well and its very complicated but like .. ive known for a good long while that im far more emotionally mature and diplomatic than them both lmao

like ... i love them both and ive not got a truly negative relationship with either of them but sometimes its a little hard not to feel exasperated with their antics. i know WHY theyre like this, they both have a lot of trauma and baggage, but i feel like they dealt with it in a less than productive way for various reasons .. and ive tried to help them multiple times as well but at this point ive washed my hands of the matter because it just doesnt work , id much rather see them happier but you cant help people who dont want to help themselves

i dont wanna go into huge amounts of depth or air out their nonsense, but it explains a lot lol ... one being a csa survivor who had kids very young but doesnt actually like young children much at all, and still has problems with stubbornness and accountability/consequences and anger/patience .. and the other losing his mother very young, working in a new industry through connections very young (but thoroughly enjoying it) only to be shat out the other end with no recourse or way forward, losing his brother to a family drama related murder (yes really), and falling into alcoholism very much like his mother and other lost industry friends (he doesnt have many friends at all now), then having a minor stroke and losing memories words and personality traits, while also not wanting to bother people with his own feelings ?? plus neither set of grandparents was exactly perfect .... its a c c c combo ... both of them are sort of shut-ins especially my dad and i suspect if we lived further away from my maternal family my mum wouldnt do much either

and the bickering drives me nuts lol moving out was the best thing i did for my own wellbeing its VERY hard not to snap back at them sometimes like IM the parent

im not bitter either about how they definitely contributed to my anxiety disorder, they acknowledge it as well so its not a Big Issue and even though its shit i feel like its made me a more considerate person than i could have been. im generally not .. bitter its not really the right word ,, nor is sour either ? but at least on my end i feel a little melancholy about it all

id very much like to help but theres only so much attention i have to give on encouraging people who usually dont want to hear it when im dealing with my own shit

idk its .. strange

but like just fucking go to therapy jfskdjskdj jesus

anyway

yeah