#its all taken a toll on me
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Me in therapy: yeah I'm doing great right now!
Me inside: [screams of agony]
#vent tw#vent#i am actually happy right NOE#now*#but#idk the current genocide on palestine has taken such a toll on mr#not only due to the proximity to lebanon#and the attacks there too#but also because#palestinians are my neighbors. theyre my siblings#and seeing how people have been so quick to hate us arabs#(and non arabs palestinians as well obvs)#like the ammount of hate messages ive seen#its all taken a toll on me#i cant imagine how it is for palestinians
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vent post
#and before anyone who hates my shit says “yeah because you ARE a loser way to have self awareness for once”#i promise you this would be me with or without the LO fandom LMAO#anxiety is a hell of a thing#and as much as i internally guilt myself into thinking it would be better if i just shut up and hid away forever#i also know that's the trauma speaking because the adults around me always told me to shut up#and even as an adult i still encounter people who talk over me and make me feel like i'm not allowed to be outspoken#but the pen is mightier than the sword and all those years i've spent being spoken over i've been honing my penmanship#i have fun talking about the things i talk about and i don't have any less right than anyone else to do it#i am cringe and i am free#self post#vent post#altho on another note i do wanna make time this week to go find new series to read#too many of my favorites have turned to shit and it's taken its toll#i KNOW there are better comics out there that are genuinely well made#i already have a few that i'm reading that i love but i need to balance out the good with the bad more lol#i just need to take the time to go find good stuff instead of pouring so much of my attention into the bullshit that doesn't deserve my tim#i think both things can be true#i can have a lot of fun dissecting and writing about series i don't like#while also nourishing myself with good works that restore my faith in this medium#“perfectly balanced as all things should be”
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left my house today
tags: @thinkingaboutctommy @cdbeadz
#i was a very lonely child#less lonely now and i have friends but my god has not having friends that i can hang out with all the time taken its toll on me#anyway cant wait to not post any poetry for like 5 months again <3 i dont actually know when i last posted poetry im guessing#poetry#trinket reflects#i forgor to post this mb#sunny.txt#i let fame get to my head. btw
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this entire year has been flop after flop why am i losing so bad your honor i am literally just some guy
#im yapping u can move on if u dont wanna hear my life story#first i get nuked by stomach pains when i go to visit my friends#something that had been ongoing for years but#my best friend convinces me to see a doctor that year#my condition deteriorates no matter what meds they put me on#i finally get a more invasive exam that shows my intestines were inflamed#i get put on fucking steroids that fuck me up physically and emotionally#i go through multiple med school exams after spending months in crippling pain#pain so bad id be bedridden for hours#got 6 weeks of migraines near daily#sometimes multiple in a day#stressed out of my mind by the time my finals came around to the point that i could no longer bring myself to care#bc i was sure id fail no matter how hard i studied#visit my friends again bc somehow its already winter again#am a nervous wreck all the time and retreat into my phone#but also hate myself for not spending what little time i had fully present#constantly worn out and exhausted bc my meds are barely working#and id found out i was allergic to a lot of things so i was cutting a lot of things out of my diet#lmfao it was so bad my weight still hasnt recovered but yeah i come back i start 3rd year#the toll the last year had taken on my mental health finally registers#i become too depressed to study for my hardest module yet#UGH THATS SO CRINGE JUST SIT DOWN AND STUDY??#but nothing was sticking on god#anyway im sure ive failed#and la salud mental no es bien or soemthing idk i havent taken spanish in 3 years#anyway deep sigh i just stay losing#i cant believe im in like four fucking research projects and classes and trying to work on myself this shit sucks balls#and clinical rotations...#lord just strike me down
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The last few weeks have been nothing but stress from so-called family members we've completely cut contact with. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop because I know this conflict isn't fucking over because it's never over with those two. But I'm focusing on having fun and unwinding because the stress has taken way too much toll on me. I'm just tired. So. Video games.
Oh that and making a family cookbook. I wanna be able to have a compiled recipe list with family pictures and stories to pass down to my niece and nephew, and if my husband and I have kids for them to have. And that's been really fun. I still gotta reach out to other family members but it's also really cool bc we're bringing in really close friends to us as well on this. We wanna show them that family is what you make it, it's not always just blood ties and sometimes it's better not having blood ties in your life. We want them to know they'll get to craft it for themselves but they'll always have plenty of people in their corner cheering them on.
#kenz musings#i might be posting more about my bhaalbies just bc like. theyre fun for me rn#im so tired#idk this might sound dumb but like#the strees literally has taken a toll on my body#my heart has barely been ablr to desl with it and all my tendion has been going to my back and legs#and i already have chronic pain we havent been able to figure out fully so there is that#idk its just. ugh#i cant wait for them to be completely out of all of our lives
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#ive been having a really bad week frankly speaking#and its culminated in me passing a hypermobility test with uhh flying colors and mildly horrified faces#so guess who might have eds.#anyway ive had a migraine for most of today. i finally ate and took an excedrin and that took the edge off.#havent slept well. havent eaten well. cant keep up with housework.#i have a friend with eds so its not as scary as it could be#on the other hand. i have a friend with eds so Ive seen the toll its taken on her first hand.#and like. the bulk of my issues started six years ago. well after it should have for eds to make itself known.#especially with my gymnastics and acrobatics that i did for seven years.#i dont fuckin know man. on one hand eds would explain a LOT. on the other it brings up a lot more questions.#on top of all that my body is breaking down in real time so as much as i like my job its not sustainable past the next idk. five years.#ive been told I should start a yt channel before. it might be a start.#i have a headache.
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so basically. after watching all twelve hundred whatever episodes of the pokemon anime my final take is that ash has 7384849384 hands and they are ALL for pokemon battling
#and his platonic best friend clemont#taylor.txt#taylor watches anipoke#i finished the last episode (which was the last episode of bw for me bc i watched in a weird order but w/e) last week#and ive got a lot of thoughts but mostly im just trying to pick out which episodes/arcs i Need to watch in japanese#to make myself like. have better more cohesive Opinions About Things#this was a 6 month investment and it has taken a toll on my braincells for sure but yeah#not an ace ash post btw i just think theres something deeply intimate about the way he engages with rivals and friends via pokemon battles#and its all very Polyamorous. im joking its all a joke. i dont take anything seriously#im still writing my gary essay though
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god. i miss loona so fucking bad.
#ive tried not to think about it too long because it genuinely makes me feel like. grief. but fuck dude#i miss them so bad i love all the new stuff they're doing and obviously they are in a way better place than they were trapped under#bbc. but just the experience of being an orbit while new releases came out. the music. THE MUSIC VIDEOS THE LORE I MISS IT SO MUCH#i really need to get around to just downloading the songs from somewhere and putting them on spotify under local files so i can#listen to them again ive meant to this whole time i just never got around to it#and im sure people have reuploads of the music videos somewhere where it wont give anything to bbc. cause fuck dude#rewatching loona mvs fills me with such giddiness over how much i love the loonaverse story#and they've influenced me so much they're some of my favorite pieces of short form storytelling everrr#and being unable to easily rewatch them for so long has taken its toll on me. ive gotta do it dude even if i know it will probably be#emotionally taxing for me 😭#anyways. goddddddddd#serena.txt
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vvvvent post
#I've been trying to keep my childish side with me for years#since i was a kid#because ive always valued that whimsy and imagination and kindness and openess#but lately it came to me that for years i mostlyI feel like my childhood is dead inside me#like its dead and i cant even step into memories anymore#and when i look back i realise i mostly never really felt like a real child. more like a person pretending to be a child#ive been forced to Get On With It since i was about 4#so maybe all that endurance has taken its toll...#i feel like maybe it could be revived if i did something really nice like go to disney land or find a care#giver#or something#be babied by friends or find something that makes me happy#tbh#and this is a bit serious#i dont really have things that make me happy#ive been feeling extra alone lately its probably very obvious#sorry for being patheticccccccc and weirddddddddd#anyway.
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{I'm alive btw I promise}
#[ooc tag]#{eugh.. im getting stressed with personal stuff is all}#{I've been writing a LOT and its taken a bit of a toll on me; not just on this lil blog}#{And i ran outta my meds today so... anxiety kinda goin ^^^ y'know. I'll be ok though promise :)}
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Mystery bugs in my home and I don't recognize them! I've seen a few around at this point and might make a more formal post about it tomorrow but, mystery bugs below the cut if anyone wants to take a shot at helping me ID them:
Not the best pics but it's got an abdomen with clear markings that make me think either roach or earwig, but photos of the nymphs of either don't seem to be matching up; granted I only looked for maybe 5 minutes and mightve missed something obvious but this guy's not ringing any bells for me
#I'm about to head to bed and have quarantined the perpetrator; i feel a little bad but i dont know what he is yet#I'd feel comfortable letting an earwig or smthn like that hang out but. i have reasonable suspicion hanging around this man#bc the apartment is a little messy and. if he is a roach i may bail and look for another room U_U full respect to them#ive seen lots of pet roaches and they make me quite happy to see but idk if I want them free roaming my house...#especially knowing i can't kill them; last time i killed bugs it was a bunch of ants in the pantry and it took an emotional toll on me 😭#I'd go the long and intensive route if it means i can keep them all alive but i know a lot of people don't swing that way#in that particular case i figured my roommates would prefer the ants to not be able to come back + the way to the backyard#door I would have taken them out of wasn't easily accessible so. massacre it was U_U#if you wanted to know ANYTHING about the type of person i am know that i physically cannot kill a bug or else I'll start crying#they're literally just little guys they're just existing!!! i can't punish them for just hanging out!!!! anyways#unfortunately small photogenic man may perish in captivity but that may afford better photo ops hmmmmm#i just need the knowledge base before i make any other judgements#you know what. let's put this in some tags actually; i was gonna formally rewrite this but may as well tag while I'm here#bugs#bugblr#insect identification#hoatm rants#I'm not overly concerned but ive seen a number of these inside now and this is the first one that's made its way to my room
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who gave sharp the audacity to be so kind, loving, sweetest person. D:< no amount of words i can put up will ever be able to contain the vibe he has; i desperately need a drink with him and i dont even drink and he doesn't even exist!
#smiletalks#ipeak#that man...............#that man instantly turns any of my ideas into a therapy session; hang on i wrote a fic in tags again#im working on a fic and it has 4.4k words chap where it's just him and mc talking through some ministry related topics#she s been down lately because interrogations took a toll on her despite not leaving a slightest shadow on her marks#sharp isnt pleased she used studying as a method for coping with everything#and it didnt escape him mc didnt want to think farther than her owls or rather the day she will leave the school for the summer break#WHICH HAD CAULDRON OF THE PROBLEMS POTION OF ITS OWN#tldr; mc is an incredibility tough for her age but crucially inexperienced to hold up the pressure put on her#and the amount of decision making#gurl is tired#let her sleep bring back the happy-go-lucky kid she used to be#WRITING FICS IN THE TAGS AGAIN.#idc ill keep on so sharp is wlling to save the day#“She might have grown up faster than her peers -- which shouldn't at all matter for her inner child still enjoys pumpkin fizz and snidgets”#“Although her penchant for brandy worries me. Why would a 16 years old young witch need so much?.. DOES SHE SMUGGLE UNDER MY WATCH. PEEVES?#“nvm turned out she has a granian somewhere; evidently it was stolen by poachers and kept in misery until taken into her care.”#“Also the reason her shoulder was dislocated a couple of weeks ago; *dares not mention he needed its hair; gets it for birthday as a gift*”#*doesnt know what to do absolutely flustered and loosing it but thanking mc she sent a package rather than handed it after class*#*or hed refused it or talked a way out of such a convenience*#*FAVORS MUST REPAY*#*his turn of not accepting refusals now*#“Always a pleasure to have students with high standards for discipline. Although. In her case -- someone needs to keep an eye on her.”#“We had a talk. Talks. We needed to be sure we'd pestered each other enough with 'silly questions for obvious answers' as she had put it.”#“I am up for the responsibility; her inverted sense of danger makes her jump at your presence Matilda I am so sorry I couldn't fix it in --#“-- in a few months. I truly mean an apology but neither of us should worry atm as her summer has been delegated to Mrs Sweeting.”#“I won 30 btw. Oh. Ask Dinah. Or Mirabel. I'm not disclosing until you know full details but I do wonder what were your suggestions.”#“........Thinking on it now how miserable I'd become should she chosen your nephew. Seeing is believing; she put up quite a play.”#“Until she blew everything up like an erumpent but I wouldn't say more. So.”
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listening to miracle musical and icp so i don't strangle myself
#cw vent#???#losing everyone close to me like ever#has really taken a toll on me#its bad#all bc i tried to kms#i fucking hate everyone dont talk to me
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Depression is a HELL of a drug. I need to go out and stare at the ocean for an hour or two; maybe that'll fix me.
#just cinnabun things#I think it's just... last year was hard#my very beloved papaw my great aunt and one of my cousins all died within the last year#all three of them people I was intensely close to#papaw because like... he was my papaw I loved my papaw so much#and my great aunt and cousin bc of my childhood summers spent in Kentucky with my extended family#and work has been absolute garbage#so all the stress has taken its toll#and it doesn't help feeling like one person in particular is trying to single out / ostracize me from the community I love#it's probably paranoia but man
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A Peaceful Repose [Logan Howlett]
Summary: After some time away on a mission, Logan comes home, and all he wants to do is be around you
Warnings: clingy logan, showering together, sooo much fluff WC: 1.6k - MASTERLIST
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The door of your apartment slowly creaks open, followed by the sound of a familiar, heavy tread against the wooden floor. Your heart skips a beat, in both relief and excitement—Logan’s back.��
But as he steps into the room, the sight of him makes you pause. He looks every bit as exhausted as you imagined, but it’s more than that. His clothes are torn and stained with dirt and dried blood, and a faint, musty smell of sweat and grime clings to him. His normally fierce gaze is dulled with fatigue, and the well-kept scruff on his face has grown wilder, more unkempt.
Your nose wrinkles slightly as you take in the full picture. “Logan…” you start, hesitating as he drops his bag on the floor with a loud thud. He catches your expression, and despite everything, he smirks, though it’s softer than usual, his eyes gleaming as they meet yours.
“Missed you,” he murmurs, his voice gravelly and rough, but filled with a warmth that makes your heart swell.
“I missed you too,” you reply, stepping forward to close the distance between you. He reaches out, wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you close despite the state he’s in. The embrace is tight, almost desperate, and you feel the stiffness in his muscles, the way his body seems to sag against yours, as if holding you is the only thing keeping him upright. And as much as you want to melt into him, as much as you want to rest your head on his shoulder and breathe in his scent, the feel of the grit against your skin pulls you back.
“Logan, you need a shower.” Your voice gently chides as you lean back to look up at him, your hands smoothing over his chest before you brush a lock of hair away from his forehead, your fingers grazing the sweat-dampened strands.
He lets out a low chuckle, the sound vibrating through his chest as he holds you, the warmth of his breath fanning across your cheek. “I just wanna hold you,” he grumbles, his face nuzzling into your hair.
You tilt your head back a bit, giving him a fond, but pointed look. “Not like this, you don’t,” you tease, pressing a kiss to his cheek before wrinkling your nose again. “Seriously, babe, you stink.”
His mouth quirks into a tired, yet genuine smile, a rare sight that always makes your heart flutter. “Can’t blame a guy for trying,” he mutters, his eyes softening as he looks down at you.
“Go on,” you urge, giving him a gentle nudge toward the washroom.
But Logan doesn’t move right away. Instead, he gives you a look, one that’s almost boyish in its vulnerability. “Can you come with me?” he asks, almost begging. “I’ve missed you… a lot.”
The sincerity in his tone, the way his eyes seem to plead with you, makes it impossible to refuse. You sigh, pretending to be more exasperated than you are, but the truth is, you’ve missed him just as much. “Alright, alright,” you relent, rolling your eyes playfully. “We’ll get cleaned up.”
A hint of relief washes over his features as he takes your hand, his rough fingers intertwining with yours as you lead him toward the bathroom. Once inside, you turn on the shower, adjusting the temperature until the steam begins to rise around you.
You turn to face him, your hands resting on his chest, feeling the steady thrum of his heartbeat under your palms. “Let’s get you out of these clothes,” you say softly, reaching for the hem of his shirt.
His hands cover yours, guiding them as he helps you pull the fabric over his head, his gaze never leaving your face. You can’t help but notice the remnants of bruises and cuts scattered across his body, and your heart aches to see him like this, knowing the toll the mission must have taken on him.
When he’s finally undressed, you shed your clothes quickly and step into the shower. Logan wraps his arms around your waist as he presses his forehead against yours, eyes closing as he takes in the moment.
The warm water cascades over both of you, and you can feel the rise and fall of his chest, each breath syncing with your own. There’s a stillness between you, a moment suspended in time where nothing else exists but the two of you.
“God, I missed this,” he murmurs affectionately, gazing down at you with a quiet longing.
“Me too,” you echo your voice barely above a whisper as if speaking too loudly might break the fragile intimacy of the moment. You reach for the soap, lathering it between your hands, the bubbles forming quickly as the scent of fresh citrus fills the air.
Logan watches you with an almost reverent expression as you begin to work the soap across his chest, your fingers tracing the hard lines of his muscles. His skin, though scarred and battered, is warm beneath your touch, the tension slowly melting away under the soothing rhythm of your hands.
He lets out a low, contented hum as you wash him, his eyes slipping closed as he leans into your touch. “That feels good,” he breathes, the words rumbling through his chest.
You smile quietly, taking your time as you work your way across his torso, roaming every inch of him. When you reach his shoulders, you pause, stepping a little closer so you can run your hands up the back of his neck and into his hair, your fingers gently massaging his scalp.
The sound he lets out is almost a groan, and you can feel his body relax even further as your fingers work through the tangles in his hair. You can’t help but lean in, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. It’s a lazy, unhurried gesture, one that speaks of comfort, and Logan responds immediately, turning his head slightly to capture your lips.
The kiss is slow, achingly slow, devoid of the usual urgency or passion, but instead filled with something deeper—love, trust, and a profound sense of belonging. His lips are warm and soft against yours, and you find yourself sighing at the familiar taste of him.
When you finally pull back, your breath mingles with his, and he opens his eyes to meet yours. He doesn’t say anything, but his hands slide from your waist up to your back, pulling you so close into his orbit that there’s no space left between you. He holds you like this, his chin resting on the top of your head as the water continues to pour over both of you. It’s not about desire, but rather a need to feel you close, to reassure himself that you’re here, safe and sound in his arms.
You continue to wash him, your hands moving slowly and gently over his body, lathering his hair with care as the water rinses away the grime of the mission. Every so often, Logan presses a soft kiss to your forehead or the top of your head, small gestures of affection that make your heart ache with how much you love him.
As you wash the soap from his hair, you reach up to run your fingers through it one last time, making sure it’s clean. You notice his eyes are half-closed as his head begins to droop down toward your shoulder.
“You’re going to fall asleep standing up,” you tease gently, running your hands down his chest before stepping back to grab the showerhead, directing the water over his shoulders and back.
“Can’t help it,” he murmurs thickly with drowsiness. “You’ve got magic hands.”
After you’ve both rinsed off, you turn off the shower and reach for a towel, wrapping it around yourself before grabbing one for Logan. He takes it from you with a small, grateful smile, quickly drying off before he wraps the towel around his waist. But before you can do the same, he brings you into his arms again, his damp skin cool against yours as he holds you close.
“C’mere,” he murmurs, his voice low and soft as he leads you towards the bed. He pulls back the covers, and the two of you climb in, still damp from the shower. Logan pulls you close, his strong arms encircling you as he pushes his face into the crook of your neck.
The scent of fresh soap and clean skin fills the air, and you can feel the last bits of tension leaving his body as he settles into the bed, his breathing evening out as the warmth of your embrace soothes him.
“You’re warm,” he mumbles.
“So are you,” you respond, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Your fingers trace soothing circles on his back, feeling the steady rise and fall of his breathing.
Logan hums in satisfaction, his arms tightening around you as he presses closer.
“You’re my everything,” he whispers.
You turn in his arms so you can face him, your hand resting against his chest. “And you’re mine,” you whisper back, your thumb brushing over his heart in a slow, soothing motion.
In the quiet of the room, the only sound is the steady rhythm of Logan’s breathing and the faint thump of his heartbeat beneath your hand. You feel completely safe, completely loved, wrapped up in his arms, and you know that he feels the same.
Drifting off to sleep, the last thing you hear is his voice, low and filled with affection. “Don’t ever leave me,” he murmurs, his lips brushing against your forehead.
“Never,” you assure. “I’ll always be here.”
Logan lets out a deep, contented sigh, pressing a final kiss to your temple. And as the warmth of his embrace lulls you into sleep, you can’t help but think about how you were always meant to be here, by his side.
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#self indulgence at its finest#deadpool and wolverine#logan howlett#logan x reader#logan howlett fic#wolverine#deadpool 3#logan howlett imagine#x men#deadpool movie#james logan howlett#logan howlett fluff#wolverine fluff#wolverine x you#logan howlett x you#hugh jackman#marvel#marvel imagine#fluff#mcu#logan howlett x reader
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i think. maybe isolating myself and refusing to talk to anyone/let anyone like me is having a detrimental effect
#ive had a bit of a bad night#over 5 weeks of being in pain has taken its toll#i think ive kind of realised tht i am isolating myself now. and i need to stop#im jst so scared of being a burden and making my problems other people’s#and i cant stand to hurt people i care abt or upset them or make them feel bad#so i just. refused to let ppl get close enough to care#but i don’t really know how break that now. ive been doing it for so long#ive felt for a while like everything is trying to pull me back and stop me getting better#maybe i can’t break away all on my own. and maybe that’s okay#debated not posting this earlier tbh. but i think. jst posting it helps a lil#i feel like ive let it out if i post it#even if i delete it later and pretend it never happened#plum.txt#dl
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