#its all okay at the end i promise
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How do you keep boundaries and find balance around your fandom experience?
I feel so bad saying this bc everyone is so nice but I feel pressure to keep up with and promote mutuals’ work and its starting to burn me out from being able to write
I hear this all the time and maybe this is the depression talking but oh man I want to respond to this.
People write SO. FAST. Can you imagine if I got angry every time one of my mutuals didn't reblog/comment/read one of my fics? I'd have no mutuals, no friends, nothing at all. Like at some point you have to trust your mutuals are actually your friends and they're not going to get upset if you don't hype every project they do.
And if they DO get upset, well...thats a reciprocal relationship built on a foundation of weeds and if it can crumble so easily, were you ever actually friends/mutuals at all? I know this is common in fandom spaces and I talk to people all the time who are like, so-and-so doesn't interact with me anymore since I didn't review/read/WHATEVER their last fic and I'm always like. Couldn't be me.
There are a million fics I'd like to read and a million more I'm 10+ chapters behind on. It's just not possible. And I think about like...me and @ablogofsapphicpanic who has only read the fics I've written FOR her. We talk every single day about everything and nothing at all. Or me and @the-lonelybarricade who spent so much time beta-ing for each other that if you went through our work during that time period, you'd probably find SO much overlap in our phrasing/structuring/whatever else. It was never a conscious decision to stop, just kind of a mutual recognition we were busy with our own things but were supporting the other (loudly!) from the sidelines.
My POINT is that this is your hobby! And of course engagement is important- we should hype up our mutuals whenever possible, and read their excellent work because we like what they do. And I think its okay to free yourself from the pressure of trying to do ALL of it, all of the time.
#anon i could have ghost written this genuinely#i know how this feels like youre trying so hard to be everything to everyone#and you end up wearing yourself down to the quick#its okay to take a step back I PROMISE the moots don't get upset#and if they do they only ever liked you for what they perceived you could do for them#been there too lmao#you gotta do it for the love of the game#when im writing intensely#i read a lot less fic- there just isnt time to do it all
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I know it's scary sometimes being trans in this world so here are some wonderful stories from my life (preface: I grew up in a large metropolitan area and went to an arts conservatory for high-school that housed IB, naval and neighborhood schools in the same building):
- one time in the breakfast line I was talking to a cis male friend (former "no homo" and "faggot" as an insult dude) about why I wanted to take testosterone and I mentioned my voice and he said "you sound like a dude now, like a 13 year old but still a dude"
- I once won a hairy leg competition against cis men pre testosterone
- once upon a time I was in a band and after a gig this twink came up to me and said "you know, we need more queers in metal" (I was wearing a "faggot" tank top)
- when I started testosterone, I asked the only older trans person I knew at the time to come with (a key holder at my job), it brought along a few friends and between the 4 of us, we all had only two hair colors (neon red and lime green), the nurse helping us all with our paperwork was very confused
- that same day my insurance was acting up and my clinic waived my fees completely for my first year of testosterone
- a girl my sister met in outpatient wasn't doing to well and being the only other trans person they knew at the time, asked me to write the girl a letter, we met again years later, she's an incredible drummer, and after a gig, I was waiting with a pedal board outside the lead singers car and she's hanging out her friends window pointing at me and yelling "this mother fucker saved my life!"
- when my own mother was working at a methadone clinic, she met this older trans woman, hoping to give me some guiding light, she connected us, she kept an eye on me for years
- the day after I came out publicly, during my freshman year of high-school, my brother's friend's (upper classmen) all clapped for me when I came into the lunchroom
- my senior year I was barely in class but one day this girl I had known for years stops me to tell me I was on her "top 10 hottest guys in the school" list
- in high-school whenever a boy was being unhygienic in the group (typically someone's boyfriend) I would be used as an example for how he should be (ex. Putting on chapstick properly)
All I'm saying is there's kindness out there for us, amidst the violence there is so much love there, there's humor to be shared when others are comfortable with us.
I know I'm privileged to have grown up surrounded by queer people and to have been so accepted but
It's all here, I promise, and I promise you can find it
If you can't find it at the moment, make it
#queer#trans#transgender#trans joy#slice of life#txt#joy#life#queer life#trans life#its not all bad i promise#it'll all be okay in the end#if its not okay#its not the end yet
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siri tell me the best places for marriage proposals in Iceland...that bitch proposed under that fountain im gonna kms
iceland... the trip that was so Specifically planned, cancelled... only for dan to reveal that he Did go,,,,
#i'm sure it means nothing#it doesn't mean anything : )#im such a sap okay. especially when it comes to them and proposals#like. fuck heteronormative & religious tradition/fascination with marraige being the end all be all#but damn it. there's something about a grand gesture. even if its not 'grand'.#there's something to giving you a token of my love and you accepting it. and wearing it like a promise.#its cute. letting the world know youre mine.#the 'what if i want to show u off wearing it#c.text#phan#dnp#answered
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dark. that was all he had ever known. cold, dark, damp. the boy shivers in the small room, painfully alone, only a book and his magic to keep him company. he tries not to use his magic very often, though. it seemed that the people above knew when he used it and they always always always refused to give him food until he “woke up” next, if they bothered to keep track of that. maybe this time he’ll learn their lesson. the boy whispers his spell, cur memini, and creates a small light in his fingers. this is the only spell he can cast safely, too small to be noticeable by the people above. he holds his hand over the fading book on the floor. the boy can’t read the letters on the page, but this book has pictures. he flips through it again, careful of the pages that were falling apart, admiring the figure in armor who always comes to rescue the figure in the tower, cut off from the world, just like him. the boy frequently dreams of a figure in armor coming to save him, despite the years he has spent alone. dark and cold and damp.
the room the boy lives in, the only room he has memories of, is empty besides himself and the book. sometimes the people above would give him water and stale bread to eat, and then there was a cup and a dirty plate, but otherwise it was just the boy and the book. the boy knows why the people above have locked him away, they told him that he was a freak of nature, unnatural, dangerous. but the boy could only make lights in his palm, and that wasn’t very dangerous at all. he thinks to himself that the people above are the dangerous ones, locking away a child for something like this, but he can’t say that out loud. he doesn’t want to die again.
the boy’s stomach grumbles and he curls in on himself, the light in his palm fades out. he longs to see the sun again, to play with the other children he can hear through the ceiling, to be normal. the people above must have decided to punish him again, though, as he doesn’t remember the last time he had anything to drink, to eat. his stomach would eat through his skin and he would still wake up the next day. why can’t he just die once and for all and be rid of the pain? why is the world keeping him here? why was he even born?
the boy closes his eyes, and falls asleep. maybe this time it won’t hurt so much.
---
how long has he been here? the boy doesn’t keep track of time. he knows he’s died at least a dozen times, but how long does it take for a dozen lifetimes to pass?
---
a clattering on the floor wakes the boy up. the people above decided he can eat today. stale bread and water again, but better than nothing to the boy. he crawls closer to it, listening to the door. it closes and the voices disappear. where was the sound of the lock? did they forget?
the boy scarfs down his food and water before tiptoeing up the stairs. he doesn’t hear any voices, but he needs to be careful. he doesn’t remember what the above looks like, but he needs to leave. he needs to be free.
slowly, quietly, he opens the door. it’s dark on the other side of it, but still much, much brighter than his room ever was. he closes his eyes but keeps the door open. breathe in, and out. opens his eyes again, blinking the brightness away. pushes the door further open. steps on the hard ground outside the door. he’s so close. closes the door quietly. turns around and holds his breath. where was outside? pick a direction and go. his legs hurt. turn the corner, listen for voices. voices are dangerous, get away from the voices. whisper his spell, create a small light. keep moving keep moving keep moving. window ahead. break it? open it? is he strong enough? lift the window up. too weak. voices coming. hurry hurry hurry must get out now. whisper spell again, hand on window. break the glass and jump through it. cuts on feet cuts on legs deal with that later. voices getting louder voices shouting. run run RUN.
the boy runs away from the building, away from his room. freedom is so close. first get to the trees, then… he hasn’t thought that far, but he will find a way. gunshots from the house. he runs faster, must get to the trees, must hide, must be free. cur memini, he whispers again, crossing into the forest. his spell can make lights and now break windows, but he needs it to protect him at this moment. run run run until the voices are quiet again. his legs are giving out, but he needs to run. he can’t die now or they’ll find him. keep running. bare feet on sticks and stones and sharp things, everything hurts but he can’t stop. he keeps running until the sun comes up. his heart beats out of his chest.
---
when he wakes up he doesn’t know how much time has passed. his heart beats fast and he sits up. did they find him? he looks around. trees, rocks, a gurgling stream. he’s free. he’s free. he sighs and lays back down. how far did he run? he needs to go further. away from other people, away from anyone who might lock him up again. he sits up again and forces himself to stand and walk towards the sound of the stream. he can start there. water is important, and he might be able to get food from the little stream too.
his first drink of the stream water is icy cold, quenching his lifelong thirst in just a few swallows. he washes his face with it, removing years of sweat and grime. he wants to sit by the stream forever if only he could, but the people will find him eventually if he doesn’t keep moving. but he allows himself a few minutes to bathe in the water, savoring the feeling of water on his skin. his stomach still growls, wanting something more filling than the freezing water of the stream, but that would have to wait. he needs to get his bearings.
the light of the outside world is almost blinding, he realizes. the sun and the snow made it almost impossible to see anything. he should get up above the trees. can he even do that? cur memini, he says, trying to get his voice to be louder than a whisper. his feet float a few inches above the ground. he closes his eyes and says his spell again with more conviction. Cur Memini. he feels himself shooting into the air before he opens his eyes. he can see the forest stretch out for miles around him. trees covered in snow in every direction. if the old house is behind him, he should fly straight ahead, towards the forests on the mountains. tentatively, he leans forward and focuses his magic on keeping himself afloat.
it doesn’t take much to exhaust what little magic he has, but he’s put more distance between himself and the old house and the people above now. he should be safe to rest, truly rest. but first he should find something to eat. is there anything to eat out here? something in his head tells him to look a little closer to the ground. to his left. there’s a bush full of berries. he’s never had anything but stale bread, and doesn’t know what to expect as he crushes one with his teeth.
the sensation overtakes him for a brief moment. the berry is sweet, yet tart, and delicious. it’s the best thing he’s ever eaten and he thanks the little voice in his head for the information as he picks several more berries from the bush. the juice runs down his chin and makes him sticky, but it feels good. he feels truly alive for the first time.
once he’s finished picking the bush clean of its fruits, he needs to find a place to rest, to stay warm. he’s shivering in the intense cold of the north, but it’s nothing he isn’t used to. the room was never very warm after all. he listens to the little voices calling out to him, guiding him towards a small cave, instructing him on how to make a small fire to warm himself up. a small rabbit brushes against his leg and he swears one of the voices is coming from it. and with the fire going, he thanks the rabbit before it hops away back into the snow. he would be roasting that same rabbit over the fire a few months later.
the boy can’t stay in the cave forever though. as days turn to weeks turn to months, he worries that the people above are getting closer to him. they’ll put him back in that cold, dark, damp room again. he needs to keep moving. he has been practicing his magic, casting stronger spells, and he needs to be ready to fly. it's been long enough. cur memini he says holding his hand out. a rough stick with twigs tied to the end flies into his hand. it’s a poor excuse for what he understands is a broom, but it will work. he climbs onto it and focuses. cur memini cur memini cur memini. he lifts off the ground and watches as the branches of the trees get shorter and eventually he passes above the treetops.
he takes a moment to gather his bearings. he no longer remembers the direction the house was in, but going up is his best bet of staying away from the people above. he laughs, realizing that he is the one above them now. after a moment, he flies into the mountains. the small voices change into bigger, unfamiliar ones as he gets further into the mountain range. they tell him to hide, to stay away. he doesn’t listen. they cannot be more dangerous than the humans he is running from.
the boy lands, still exhausted from using so much magic, but he was able to travel further this time. that has to count for something, surely. he gathers some sticks and looks for another cave to make his home in. the caves remind him too much of the room he left, so he chooses to stay close to the entrance, close to the light that reminds him he is free. the fire keeps the animals away, but the voices are curious about the new presence in their woods. they make him curious too. he should stay in the cave tonight though and regain his energy. maybe he can get some small game to fill his stomach before settling in for the night. he listens for a rabbit’s voice, or maybe a squirrel, anything that would be small enough to kill with his hands.
at last, a small fox’s voice is heard nearby. he wonders if fox will taste different from the other game he’s eaten thus far. he lifts a hand-sized rock and slinks out of the cave towards the voice. it takes a few minutes to find the source, but the fox is curled under a tree, shivering, hungry, just like him. the boy hesitates before bludgeoning it and slinging the corpse over his shoulders. there are more foxes. he is much more important.
the fox is only the first animal he hunts in those mountainous woods. he spends several years in that forest and eventually humans settle up there as well. the boy, or rather, the man now, has made a name for himself amongst the human populations of the north. he is no longer afraid of humans capturing him and locking him up. they are still terrified of him, but now he is in control of that terror. the hunters that left his territory alive whispered tales of the great wizard owen who inhabited the mountains and terrorized anyone who had the bad luck of running into him.
all of this is perfectly fine with owen. eventually his reputation will grow beyond himself, encapsulating atrocities that were impossible for even someone as strong as oz to commit, but that would be a problem for future owen. for now, he is still young and living in his cave on the outskirts of a small village and scaring hunters who stray too far from their boundaries. the wolves don’t like these visitors either and gladly listen to owen’s lamentations. it keeps his hands clean of the bloodshed if he isn’t casting the spell himself. the wolves don’t care for owen either, but they respect him. and that is enough for owen.
the first of the unwanted visitors was a young man, someone who wanted to provide for his family. he pleaded with owen and the wolves to let him go and he wouldn’t cause any problems. those pleas fell on deaf ears though as owen looked the man in the eyes. won’t your family be disappointed, he asked almost innocently, you don’t have anything to show for your efforts. the man stammered a response, they’d rather i come back alive with nothing than die trying to find food. is that so, owen reached out for the man’s chin, the distance between their faces was almost nothing. y-yes, sir, please just let me go and i won’t bother you anymore. owen grinned. oh i’m sure you won’t be causing us any trouble again. the wolves stalked out of the woods, drooling at the prospect of tearing a piece of that man for themselves. owen snapped his fingers, and they came running forward, only to stop mere inches from the now trembling man. there was a suspicious yellow stain in the snow beneath him. p-p-please sir, anything you ask, it’s yours! then make sure you tell the rest of your little village that this forest belongs to the great wizard owen. the man ran off, leaving behind a hunting rifle and a ratty sack. the rifle would be of use, but the sack became tinder for his fires.
despite the warning from that first man, hunters continued to enter into owen’s territory. and one after the other, they ran off screaming with their tails between their legs. this should have annoyed owen, that people would ignore all of the warnings and stories that had started popping up about him, but it doesn’t. their fear feeds into his magic power, only making him stronger, and that is all fine with owen. he is no longer a weak child locked in the damp, dark basement, and he never will be again.
#shay writes#mahoyaku#promise of wizard#mhyk fanfiction#owen#owen mhyk#owen mahoyaku#character study#my wips#okay putting. disclaimers in the tags bc formatting. i am still new to reading everything#i'm almost done with the ballads. i have one left and its the proud hunter one#and then i'm hoping to start the first anni story#so uhhhhh if anything past the ballads is wrong no its not#jk jk i just havent gotten to it but i also like to take creative liberties with some things#and i definitely have already#trust me this is going to be way longer than it already is#like this is 2.5k words and i'm only posting all of it now bc its owen's birthday#i have several more scenes i want to write out as well that will add probably at least#another 2k words to this#if not more. its gonna be a time#but i did force myself to get to a decent place to end where it wasnt like. the middle of the scene#or a sentence. which some of my wips do accidentally end midsentence. i need to get better at that#but yeah. okay i should go to sleep i am actually sick and need to sleep and pray#i can go to work tomorrw. though if i'm feeling worse thats fine w me#i can sleep in for once#anyway happy birthday owen my mippy <3
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gang… im so sorry… this shit is NOT getting done in june
#WAUGH im literally not even done w the sketches. im gonna scream#my two summer classes start monday and its like. 3-4 chapters a week for both of them so#haha yeah uhhh#i feel like a major doofus im sorryyyyy i promise i havent lost like. interest in this au#but unfortunately im all tunnel vision on the ending and am slapping myself and reminding me im not even halfway done yet#its okay 🫡🫡🫡 july im coming for u#im also gonna have 5 classes and possibly a part time job in the fall also so like#maximum of 3-4 more updates this year soz#sorry 2 everyone who started reading when i was in my crazy bonkers update a month and neglecting my school work and personal health era
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guess what I finished watching
#genuinely I am bamboozled#I heard it was bad and I knew it was bad but I didnt realize the scene ITSELF was as horrible as that#its just. genuinely how fucking dare you for doing that#I understand the concept okay#the entire season and show has been foreshadowing eve's own death and I Get the concept of twisting that around#in the sense that her death comes from another's undoing and that her death comes from villanelle's protection#but the execution ????? even putting aside that the ending itself is shit and disingenuous for the characters. the EXECUTION OF IT#thats the part that has Genuinely stumped me#even the reveal at the very end with carolyn- at this point that means nothing#there's no leadup to it happening like I thought there would be it just Happens while theyre being happy and it's all over within 30 second#and then the show Ends#what the fuck#knowing it was coming didnt even help it just makes me more angry than sad#in the last two minutes???????????#goddamn#I am so fucking sorry to u all who watched this season as it aired#that is sick#after all the character development????#okay. I promise I'm done now. what the fuck. I went to bed immediately after watching and woke up ANGRY#sorry for the abundance of tags mygod#killing eve#killing eve spoilers#smokey speaks
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t4t laios toshiro exactly the same relationship but toshiro realised young that she was a girl n has never met another trans person so seeing laios transition after meeting her just continues to perplex and frustrate her (she wants to Fix laios so bad but by god she's annoying. kabru can do it instead ig)
HELPMe yeah yeah truly a t4t love story for the ages
#i think t4t laishuro is silly if like#ok so transfem toshiro#meets the toudens (laios first)#and shes like wow this guy is like the opposite of me#and then meets falin . yaddi yadda gets a crush on falin (transfem icon)#kind of gender envy a bit too cuz shes so soft and sweet and . toshiros all rough around the edges. trained warrior#shes a healer who can fix her.#and like toshiro thinks maybe . maybe i can be with her 🤔#and proposes.#yaddi yadda dunmeshi happens#meets laios again. okay.#yaddi yadda everything else happened#hugs laios. yay#laios transitions#toshiro and falin rejection that ends in friendship#again laios has transitioned. toshiro meets laios again#promise of starting over on a clean slate ish. i suppose#toshiros like : ''huh shes so much freer now. im more envious of her''#and they fall in love but its slow burn#also kabru is there with his t4t manuscript#woo'd laios already#toshiro feels she has to compete somewhat#kabru calls her babygirl#toshiro goes nevermind i think . i will just die 🫶😊😐#namari consoles her and they go kill their dads together#the end..#asks#dunmeshi#sorry for the RAMBLE in the tags . im just insane#tree 🌳🐈⬛ !
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I have a question. How did you become an elite four member? If the story's too personal feel free to delete my ask.
(//anonymous ask from @titanfae)
Oh my, while not "too personal", it is quite the long story~
Believe it or not, I was not initially interested in any sort of position within the Pokémon league. You see, I was quite the rebel of sorts as a child and didn't see myself fit for such a thing. Ah, but dear Marshal was extremely insistent about wanting to at least attempt to join... And, of course, I couldn't let Marshal join without me there to be better than him~
To our convenience, the League was searching for new trainers, as several spots had recently opened up. Marshal and I, along with Shauntal and Caitlin, decided to apply all together.
Now for those unaware, the Unovan League chooses it's newest Gym Leaders and Elite Four members with a bracket of sorts. Once you've been approved for said bracket, you have the opportunity to battle against a variety of other trainers in an attempt to stand out. Your skills as a trainer and type specialist are judged by the current Champion, Gym Leaders, and other Pokemon League employees... In our case, our battles were also televised~
Ah, long story short, the others and I were chosen to become the newest Elite Four members after gathering quite a lot of attention from both the public as well as the League~
#//i hope me throwing my personal headcanons about how the pokemon league chooses its trainers was okay#//also some additional info about grimsley joining the league that he would never admit:#//he originally lied on all his application documents to even get accepted into the bracket#//because he had a criminal record at that point (he likely had just turned 20)#//after he was actually chosen to start the process of becoming an elite four member alder was made aware of grimsley's record#//however since grimsley was such an impressive trainer they erased his criminal record#//i also would like to say how grimsley's battling style back then was much more aggressive but still extremely impressive#//bc of how much promise it showed#//ofc it paid off for the pokemon league since grimsley ended up being very strategically gifted in battle#pokemon#pkmn rp#grimsley rp#grimsley answers
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the way this scene w caiman reassuring nikaido in v21 parallels that one w nikaido reassuring caiman back in v10 and its basically the first time theyre properly reunited in the wholeass 10 volumes since then.... brb sniffling + sobbing
#YOUR HONOR THEY ARE BESTIEEEESSSSS#im so emotional im tearing up on my stupid bus home from work. no one spoil it for me im sooo close to finishing the series AHHHH#love that they do try to help each other out w shit but also they recognise when its the other persons problem n they cant fix it#so instead of making promises they cant fulfil theyre just like yeah it sucks. but we're here together rn!!!!#theyre so fucking cute it makes my heart huuuurt. when is it my turn to have a best friend forever 😭😭😭😭😭😭#if they dont get to run that fucking gyoza shop together im ending it all thats the only thing i care abt rn. BUT NO SPOILERS#anyway me 🤝 nikaido -> feeling like we dont rly exist in the real world and arent real people#ajdkfhkff almost missed my bus stop thinkign abt them. okay i need to get off my phone and focus on getting home LOL#dorohedoro#dorohedoro spoilers#.diaries
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(so it turns out i never posted this actual video so like.. here. i have so many brain worms about this now cause like. holy shit my dude. once again asking where. OH WHERE. the fuck is/was this character after his return and why wasnt he given a fair chance when all the building blocks were so obviously fucking there.......)
#wrestling#kip sabian#penelope ford#okay one more. i promise im done now (for a while cause im definitely gonna gif the ending of this video lmao)#but like.. yeah. something about this time was so special#and then they fucking fumbled him like no other. i mean there were signs before that too when they didnt let boxman reach his potential#but there was so much fucking promise during this two show run in ddt and so many things they could have done after returning#but no. instead none of this was ever brought up (neither title win or that mask or anything else) and nothing came out of it#nothing for this persona. for that mask. for their dynamic. nothing at all#they werent in television outside of dark for like two months i think#its just such a fucking shame cause he has all the tools and the talents to be a fucking top star. they just arent giving him the chances#not the be constantly fucking salty about this but.. yeah. their time in japan really just proved that#and how badly aew is actually fumbling them. like fucking seriously#anyways. please watch this if nothing else. i do miss this time it was just genuinely so fucking nice#not only to see them actually win shit lmao but also to see the character works and their dynamic evolve and blossom#it was so good and so special. and knowing especially how much it meant to kip like... yeah#aew do fucking better 2k24. PLEASE#anyways im done sorry#my beloved#kip in a box#vampire wife#boxman saga#box thoughts#if you saw me post this before no you didnt lol#the dash is uncooperative so im doing it again dont @ me
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..
#cw vent#i just wanted to update if anybody was curious#its almost 00:30 where i live#i am officially 16 years old#i was extremely worried about this last night but. i think i'll be okay#i can't stop myself from aging so i'll just have to keep on going whether i like it or not#sorry if i worried anybody#i'm going to try to get better#i promise i am going to try really really hard. i will become better and i will become happy#aaand its 00:30 now as i'm typing this#that was around the time i was born apparently#i was born during the night. does that mean i'm more likely to be a night owl?#i'm actually kind of tired right now though ...#i stayed up really late last night and ended up getting like four hours of sleep last night#i think i might just go to bed after i've finished listening to this album#i'm relistening to the first c sh album :3 its soooo good i love it#i will never not support the numbered albums#i wonder if anybody reads all of this. if you're reading this then#:3 🤝 :3 i am shaking your hand#and i'm glad you are alive
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also if only the physical copy of how to disappear completely & never be found i first encountered & read a few years ago (sort of [roughly avg age ten] reader book, not any similarly titled How To) hadn't disappeared completely & not been found since, probably b/c i put it somewhere i intended to be For Safekeeping, which is also how my binder vanished....b/c it's one of those like. those book for late elementary/middle school readers when they just weave in this unrealism which makes for a delightful range & unpredicability? and with a cynical protagonist girl like off to the races like wow her mom is depressed asf & smoking? and it's about A Family History Secrets Mystery so blatantly a haunting that the inciting incident is basically introducing a haunted [family history secrets mystery] house. and spoilers don't matter like it's stemming from there being this missing uncle who grew up so in contrast to the Winsome Winning Sibling Who Does It All Right while seeing his own affiliation with rats that he tried to disappear completely & never be found which led to this Tragedy which led to this more unintended disappearance of his & he haunts this house & wants to be left alone & only goes out at night with this [ambiguous Is That A Giant Rat Or Weird Small Dog (protagonist affected by these family situations who expresses her preoccupation with an awareness of how fate can Strike and Get you with this interest with roving packs of killer chihuahuas. people think she's weird though she spontaneously befriends this other girl struck with this bolt from the blue & a bit weird / outcast & then Insightful who i wish was in it more)] & plays into the hauntedness danger like playing into the [something's Wrong with you then] until having to take yet more action where the urge to express the truth comes out more both b/c living that hidden is more threatened but also b/c now the niece children are more threatened as well. ft. a sort of preternatural blurring of time b/c of only being communicated with through this uncle via his comic pages (that he paints?) of dubiously accurate translations of irl events that are created so quickly it seems to verge on foresight, imagine like "hmm what's this painting. it's me standing in this room looking at this painting??? as someone ominous lurks in the shadows right behind me?" in both [now how could you know this & paint it really fast ahead of time] and [horror]
#i've had good times & thrills & things from other books i've read in the past xyz years & all#but i think this had the best in its final sections with [''uncle rat!''] like that was so incredibly unbelievably hype#and a further ending with a reconciliation that lets the Weirdo still be how they are but with more support lmao#i'm like yeah i want to live in the abandoned house only coming out at night only leaving secret homemade books with Some Truths#yeah i wanna exist in secret passageways & be unseen & uninteracted with & get by despite it all; sure#and disappear (mostly) and (not be found for a while until you have more motivations to help very parallel parties)#and have an affinity & affiliation with animals ppl are also like oh weird bad gross Never Want To See Them who are scroungily around#not implied to be a supernatural connection rather than just like. oh this person is a friend. from chihuahuas; rats; coatis....#also the How To & Never Be book's like core event to The Mystery is. truly so tragic lmao my god. it's really great#i'll just see about reading a digitization somewhere b/c i am Not gonna be able to find it#and the uncle is So mysterious that like. you don't get many Interactions w/him & are just going off of these emergent factors#the situations as they are as consequences of prior events; that he Is this withdrawn & communicating As some haunting monster etc#the way you technically don't also get to know like [what was bruno like prior] Directly W/Promised Accuracy and yet#the [metaphorically i mean] angle going on for everyone like perceiver truth teller Weird Odd One Out yeah yes#bit like [ :) (devastation)] verse talking abt him through a ''so your disabled relative'' lens (who also even w/magic was Just Existing)#here's a guy just existing like :) = my god this absolutely sicko who would even do something like that lmfao. god we've all been there#grappling with [tendencies] they couldn't understand....many things + just the way bruno approaches Speaking is like. okay.#my man's autistic. highest honor i can bestow. among other plausible ways of being disabled / nonconforming / abnormal#also the highest honor....rat affiliated disappeared uncle in How To? well he's really simply not possible ''yes he is Normal(tm)'' so
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you can listen to a song you really like and think oh hey this is like the Character. but watch out
#my posts#anyways me when i listen to bloodbath by polyphia and go ohhh right this is like the doctor in the time war . like okay?? thanks brain#i mean the lyrics are like “remove your name/make your promises/its inside your head/where you create your own war/one last way out of this#whatever me when i give up the name that i upheld like a promise to fight in the time war and also ultimately end it through “the only way”#maybe ill draw something about it idk#i will be thinking about this all night yay
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Rant
the urge to straight up just stop writing a fic and post it because I can’t think of words to end it, but would leave it on a cliff hanger and would go against my own golden rule of “I will never post and leave a fic on a cliffhanger” rule because I hate cliffhangers with no endings. Its the reason fics take so long to write and post because I refuse to post cliffhangers unless its a chapter story. Its the kind of writer I decided I wanted to be when I started posting my fics.
I refuse to not finish a fic.
They will all have endings.
okay rant over, thanks for coming to my Bec talk.
#beckyu speaks#rantingggggggggggggggg#feel free to ignore <3#so if you ever think: sheesh. I hope this gets another chapter and will be finished#I promise you it will be#I refuse to not have an ending. The story must end.#its also because I flippen adore happy endings and I want all my fics to end happy#which is annoying for like that one fic of many that I'm like: go on. make it tragic.#I CAN'T PHYSICALLY DO IT~#Okay second rant over#thanks for coming to another Bec talk
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i really want to finish all my unfinished art before i turn 15 but im so burnt out rn 😭 </3
#i have two days#including this one#i wanna draw#but also i fucking hate drawing#but i love drawing but i HAT EIT AND ITS THE WORST AAAAAUUGGGHHHHHHHHH#mostly because i just wanna feel like less of a failure in some way#art for me is about 50% passion and 50% a crippling desire to prove that im not useless and an idiot#so because of the lack of stability there i always end up with a dozen unfinished art projects#when i cant live up to my own expectations i give up#i think this is me still clinging to my childhood in a way#i always wanted to be a child prodigy but i never had talent or skill in anything#so now that im rapidly getting further and further from childhood i feel a desperate need to prove that im not worthless#its like#my 15th birthday feels to me like how jonathan larson did about his 30th. is that fucked up to say ..#aaaaaaaaaaa :’) i want to finish all the art i promised but i genuinely just. cant#chase said something alright#sigh. i have ideas#im plagued with visions but i have none of the time#i want to draw patrick and pete#i want to draw the cast of community all smiling and stuff. because i love and adore all of them#id like to finish my vampire dallon art but im So Bad at shading without reference#i so desperately want to just share my art and feel okay but I CANT ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH#IVE MADE SO MANY EMPTY PROMISES ABOUT FINISHING ART AND SHARING ART AND AND AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#someone tell me im not useless#<- dont do that im responsible for my own happiness#anyway UM. sorry if you opened this#you know what. in spite of everything i didnt do at least um. uhhhhhhhh#i won a 3ft tall shadow the hedgehog plushie at a carnival.
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One thing about me is that I love it when medias that have a princess who's locked up for years and years on end actually explore the miserable life she would have lived growing up alone and reading fairy tales that promised her a happy ending she never got
#raey spam#this is about tne song 'i know its today' from shrek the musical#like!!!! how she rips up all of her storybooks so that they're just happy endings in hopes that doing so will somehow#make her prince appear sooner#i think the main reason why i likw this so much is bc of how similar it is to growing up aroace#like everywhere you look there's love stories and everyone tells you there's no way to be happy without#a romantic partner#they all promise that one day you're going to find 'the one' but you never do#like. i love being aroace!! i do!! i know that not wanting a future like that is okay#but at the same time. i DO want a future like that. yk#when i first actually accepted that i was aromantic i wasn't happy bc i finally understood why romance was Like That for me#i was pissed. because same as everyone else i grew up surrounded by love songs and dating shows and id even had crushes as a child#i wasn't Supposed to be aro. i was supposed to grow up and live a happy life with someone else#i felt like accepting i was aro also meant accepting that i would never grow up to live a happy life#and i def dont feel like that anymore! but still.#anyways back to fiona: i also just really like it when deep down#characters know their fate is sealed.#they Know there's nothing they can so#but they convince themselves that there IS#my interpretation of fiona is that deep down she knows ripping the pages out of her stories isn't going to help#but hope and love prevail over everything right?#she has to believe that remaining hopeful and doing everything she can will reward her eventually#i hope this is coherent I can't really tell rn lol#other thinfs in the same vein i am fond of:#'when will my life begin' from tangled#'and many more' by quintessence#really any fic that expands on Alluka's childhood is very yummy to me#that's enough rambling for now
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