#IVE MADE SO MANY EMPTY PROMISES ABOUT FINISHING ART AND SHARING ART AND AND AND FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

[acaesic]

i really want to finish all my unfinished art before i turn 15 but im so burnt out rn 😭 </3

[milkbreadtoast]

Do you happen to have more recommendations? My WEBTOONs reads are a bit empty since the ones I’ve finished are done/cancelled etc. doesn’t even matter the type.

I'M SO SORRY i saved this to my drafts because I had written a long thing and tumblr deleted it so i needed to rewrite it... and then I forgot about it... IM SO SORRY!!!! I actually don't have a whole lot of webtoon recs bc I haven't read that many, and only would rec a few from the ones I have read, but I will gladly share some that I've enjoyed/am enjoying!!!!

No Home (집이 없어) there is no official tl but it's being scanlated on other sites (by whatafruit)!! This is... quite possibly one of the best things ive ever read... it's a drama about high school kids and their home problems/traumas... please read it the writing and characterization is SO good and nuanced, the storytelling and pacing is masterful, the characters are so loveable yet so realistically flawed and show their ugly human sides... PLUS THE ARTSTYLE IS SOO CUTE AND IT'S FUNNY.... 100/10 best webtoon (I actually need to catch up TT I know it'll make me CRY so ive been putting it off...)

"When the Day Comes": this is a slice of life/school romance one... but even if you don't like slice of life pls give this one a chance i promise u it is so good u wont regret it... the writing and characterization is realistic and nuanced and the characters are all so loveable... plus the art is GORGEOUS... and there was unexpected LGBT rep that made me so happy TT I love omyo's writing... and if you enjoy this one pls also check out "the stories of those around me" if u want to see more of the author's work!! that was one of my first webtoons and I still love it..

I already rec'd Lee Yeon's work but in case anyone didn't see... pls read "The Makeup Remover"!!!! that's one of my recent all time favs... and I'm also enjoying "Surviving Romance" by this author which is still ongoing! It's a zombie horror/thriller (but it's not too gorey!! i hate gore and it's rly mild/mostly censored... i love lee yeon's art style and chara designs its a big insp) I admit i didn't like SR's writing as much as TMR but it's still a really fun read (esp binging) and the pacing is really engaging... (ALSO DONT JUDGE LEE YEON'S WORK BY THE THUMBNAIL IT'S REALLY MISLEADING LOL....)

and currently I'm enjoying "Rewriting our love story" on webtoon... there's only 8 eps translated on webtoon so i cant for SURE say how good it is lol but so far im pleasantly surprised? like its rly good for a "het romance" webtoon... and the art is cute! so if u dont mind het romance join me in waiting for updates lol

I MIGHT UPDATE W MORE LATER BUT I FEEL RLY BAD FOR ANSWERING SO LATE SO ILL PUBLISH NOW

[sleeplesspensieve]

Remedy For Guilt - IV

Summary: The daughter of Bellatrix and Rodopholus Lestrange is offered the opportunity to teach at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry after training as a Healer since her graduation. Her past haunts her and she relies on her old Potions teacher for help but what will happen when they get too close for comfort?

Rated: E for graphic sex scenes in later chapters. Over 18′s only please.

Word Count: 4109

Multichapter Fic (Expected to be around 30-35 chapters with a planned sequel which will take place during the Harry Potter Books)

Chapter Four – Potions

Sleep was never easy to achieve for Lyra Lestrange. Often she lay in bed thinking too much so she decided that she would stay up fixing her room until she knew she was tired enough to pass out. She woke up in her new sleeping quarters with light pouring through the window above her bed and she felt somewhat rested. Lyra rolled out of bed and got dressed, hoping that she had woken early enough to keep her promise to Professor McGonagall.

Lyra made her way through the empty hallways until she found herself at the staffroom. During the school term teachers would eat in the Great Hall along with all of the students but if they needed some space and privacy they would use the staffroom. Lyra entered the room and the staffing team were gathered around a large table together with plates filled with food. The teachers greeted her with smiles and waves. She looked for a spot and there was a vacant seat between Professor Flitwick and Professor Snape. The Charms teacher waved and patted the spot next to him, encouraging her to sit there. The expression on Snape’s face showed that he would rather her not sit there but she expected that with Minerva there he could not object.

Lyra took her spot and engaged happily in conversation with Filius, he also insisted that she call him by his first name.

“Oh, Lyra,” he gushed, “I am so happy that you are joining us. Do you think you could help with the frog choir? Or even music classes? I would love for you to perform at the Welcoming Feast or the Christmas Eve ball.”

Lyra gave a sheepish laugh, “Oh, Professor Flitwick, I haven’t touched music since I left Hogwarts.”

“Call me, Filius or Fil even,” he said, “But that is honestly a shame. You should get back into it, you showed real talent.”

During Lyra’s schooling years she was involved in the school choir as she showed talent in singing and Albus believed that it would be a great way to forge relationships with students outside her house. It worked initially, Lyra even took up music as an elective subject for her last four years, but there were a few incidents that occurred that caused her to distance herself from the other students. In fact, Lyra didn’t have many friends from her years of schooling which she blamed on her study and work commitments but was truly due to laziness.

A few of the teachers conversed with her, including ones that hadn’t spoken to her before but Severus did not seem to warm to her like the others did. She noticed him happily chat to other staff members apart from her, including a face she didn’t recognised who she assumed was the new Muggle Studies teacher. For some unknown reason she felt a pang of jealousy. She attempted to dive into another conversation as a way to distract herself from her want to gain the Potion Master’s approval.

“Lyra,” Minerva approached with the witch she felt jealousy for in tow, “This is Charity Burbage, she’s new this year to Hogwarts. She’s taking over Muggle Studies whilst Quirinus is away.”

Charity extended her hand, “Pleasure to meet you, Miss Lestrange.”

She smiled in return and took her hand, nodding whilst they shook hands. Charity went on a spiel about muggles, sharing her approach on her subject whilst Lyra feigned interest.

The remainder of meals with the staff seemed to follow the same pattern. Lyra would interact with her old Professors who would take interest in what had been happening since she left, she would then retell stories of interesting patients that she had met and then they would dig for how their lessons aided in her treatments. Madam Pomfrey was quite impressed when she joined for dinner one evening and they traded spells and other remedies that they found useful.

There was only a few days left until the Welcoming Feast. It was a Thursday night and she noted Professor Snape leaving early and she decided to follow.

“Professor Snape,” she called out, chasing after him. “What’s got you in such a rush to leave?”

“I need to tend to some potions,” he said. The wizard kept his eyes forward, not even looking over to acknowledge Lyra.

“Could I help?” she offered.

He stopped, “And why would you want to do that, Lestrange?”

“Well I have nothing left to prepare for my class,” she explained, “So I thought that I’d offer my assistance. I’m not too shabby at potions plus Professor Sprout was chewing my ear off about the plants she’s been growing and I honestly only did Herbology cause I had to.”

Severus spotted Minerva just leaving the staff room, giving him a stern look as he considered rejecting her offer. “Very well,” he said continuing on to the dungeons.

The dungeons of Hogwarts were just as cold, dark and dreary as Lyra remembered. She smiled fondly as they passed the entrance to her old common room. Snape lead her into the Potions classroom where he had many cauldrons ready, some brewing potions she recognised such as Wideye Potion, Calming Draught and different Restorative Potions.

“Are you brewing these all by yourself?” Lyra asked shocked.

“Yes, Madam Pomfrey needed to refill some things and I offered to help,” Snape said as he added to sprigs of Wolfsbane to the Wideye Potion.

“Don’t stretch yourself too thin,” she joked. “But how do you keep track of where you’re at with each potion?”

“I did not earn the title of Potions Master for no reason,” he said sharply as he completed the potion.

“What do you need me to do?” she asked.

“Well you can brew a Draught of Peace,” he suggested, “That is if you remember how to.”

“Of course,” she headed into the store room and grabbed the necessary ingredients. For the next hour she worked alongside Professor Snape in silence, not wanting to distract either of them from the task at hand. She finished the draught and watched as he finished up the other potions brewing. The Potions Master moved with grace, she concentrated on how his hands moved with precision as he quickly ground his ashphodel into a fine powder and the way he waved his wand as if he was a conductor directing his orchestra, each ingredient entered the potion with perfect timing.

“I don’t know how you do it,” she said in admiration.

“Practice,” he shrugged. He enjoyed the flattery and she could tell as a smirk crept onto his face.

“Well, I’m sorry I couldn’t make as many as you,” she said, “I hope its ok.”

He peeked at her potion and raised his eyebrows as if he was almost impressed. “It’s fine.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve brewed a potion,” she said. “I usually get stuck behind my desk at St. Mungo’s. Guess that’s what happens when you’re learning.”

“Well, if I need any more assistance I will be sure to ask you,” he said.

An awkward silence crept up on them, it was as if she was unsure whether she should stay or go. She dug through her brain to think of something she might be able to talk about. She remembered that the Potions Master was around the same age as her when he started to teaching so she decided to enquire about it.

“Um, Professor,” she said. “How did you manage, being so young and teaching? I’m worried that the students won’t listen because of the age gap.”

“They will respect you because you are a figure of authority,” he said.

“Easy for you to say,” she sighed, “The way you speak is as if you demand it. I don’t know if I could pull that off.”

“Try,” he said. “You should go to bed. Thank you for your help, Lestrange.”

She fought herself for a moment before accepting his dismissal. She smiled and said goodnight before taking the long way back to her room. Her hesitation in leaving was due to the fact that she did not feel tired enough to sleep yet. She was sure that once she had settled for bed that her mind would be filled with thoughts and her dreams would leave her restless. She should’ve asked Professor Snape to whip up something to help her sleep, she had tried a few herself which allowed to her sleep dreamlessly but she did not feel rested. Then again, she hadn’t felt that in a long time.

As Lyra went to bed, Severus Snape was bottling the potions that had been completed. He partially regretted dismissing Lyra so quickly as he could have still used her help but he found it difficult to tolerate anyone, particularly young Lyra. He was jealous of course, he had wanted the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts since he first applied at Hogwarts. How could someone of her history be better suited than him to teach the subject? Severus had shown years of restraint from the temptation of the Dark Arts whilst Lyra was the younger than when he originally requested the position. He had pointed this out to the Headmaster but Albus dismissed it.

“Headmaster,” Severus asked, “Have you found a new teacher for Defence Against the Dark Arts yet?”

“I’m considering Lyra Lestrange,” he said.

“What?!” Severus was shocked. He couldn’t comprehend what would lead him to his decision.

“I think she would be a wonderful teacher,” he said happily, “Don’t you?”

“Lestrange is a girl of many talents,” Severus said diplomatically, “I have no doubt that she would excel in teaching as well but I have my reservations.” The headmaster raised an eyebrow, prompting Professor Snape to continue. “She is only 20, I was 21 when I first came to you and asked for the position yet you denied me. She has done many things that would have made her end up in Azkaban if she wasn’t protected by the Malfoy family. I do not see why you would choose her and endanger your staff and students when I would be perfectly suited for the job.”

“Severus,” Dumbledore replied, “Whilst I respect your opinion I have already considered all of this. Of course, I think you would be better suited for the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts I do not want to put you in a position where you would be tempted to return to your old ways.”

“But-” Severus began.

“I do not believe that was Lyra’s old ways but instead her parents,” Albus continued. “I think she only pursued it because it was expected of her. You know her parents, even her Aunt and Uncle, and the expectations they would have held for her. I think she has tried her best to become her own person, to separate herself from what her family thinks she should be. She’s working at St. Mungo’s at the moment, training to be a healer. I think she would be wonderful but her manager has informed she’s been in a bit of a slump. I think that this teaching position would be a great opportunity for her.”

Perhaps Albus was right, Severus’ interactions with Lyra so far had all been rather reasonable, even just now she seemed pleasant and innocent. Yet there was a moment with her earlier that caused to question whether or not Headmaster had made the correct decision. He did not know whether she said it to egg him on or whether she was serious. She of course implied that he was a traitor, now working for Albus Dumbledore which was true but few knew of what truly happened of Igor Karkaroff.

From what he had heard Lyra had spent a year plotting her revenge and broke into his quarters, torturing him for hours using the Cruciatus Curse. It seemed as though she wanted to break him like her parents had done to the Longbottom couple. Very few witches and wizards had heard of this as her Aunt and Uncle had made sure it was swept under the rug. The only reason he was informed was because the staff were made aware of the situation when she was transferred to Hogwarts. The teachers were on guard around her but she showed no indication of repeating her actions and was also a wonderful student so they all warmed towards her.

Snape himself was probably the only teacher that would have been a possible target but she seemed to admire him to an extent. Lyra would have had plenty of opportunities as she often approached him to ask him to teach her the Dark Arts or extra curricular spells.

“Class dismissed.”

Lyra took her time packing her belongings, and waited until the red of her class cleared out.

“Professor?”

“Yes, Miss Malfoy,” Snape acknowledged.

“I have some concerns about the curriculum.”

“Are you questioning my capabilities as a teacher?”

“Of course not, the opposite in fact,” she said whilst approaching his desk. “There are some things that I’m interested in learning that isn’t covered here at Hogwarts.”

“If this has anything to do with the Dark Arts I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

She faltered for a second, biting her lip. “It’s Legilimency and Occlumency, sir. Usually we’d learn it in Durmstrang in our sixth year but obviously I’m here not there. There’s only so much I can learn from reading. I wish to practice it with you.”

“Why can’t you learn it at home?” He asked, “I’m sure Lucius could teach you.”

Her eyebrows raised in amusement, “There is a law against the practice of underage magic so it is best to learn it at school. I also don’t think that my Uncle is nearly as adept as you.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” he said dismissively.

“I’m not trying to flatter you,” she said assertively, “I’ve seen what you can do and that is my honest judgement.”

“And why is it something that you are interested in learning?” Snape enquired.

“Don’t you think that the Dark Lord will rise again?” She asked.

“No,” he said abruptly. “The Dark Lord has been silent for years.”

“I think you are wrong,” she challenged, “I want to be prepared. I watched him do it to his followers and-“

“Are you his follower?” He cut her off.

“No, but-“

“Then why do you want to learn Legilimency and Occlumency?”

“Because when he comes back I have no doubt in my mind that he will want me on his side,” she said calmly, “along with my mother and father and I do not want to be weak.”

“Meet me on Saturday night at 6pm,” he said. “I do not tolerate tardiness.” Snape refused to teach her Legilimency, the last thing he needed was a teenage girl trifling through his mind. The Occlumency lessons went rather well, no doubt a gift she inherited from her mother, though they ended rather quickly as the Potions Master accidentally called her by the surname Lestrange, instead of Malfoy. If there was any reason or time for her to enact her revenge on behalf of her family it would have been then. It was not a moment he had forgotten as for a moment he could see the darkness stirring in her soul. She became involved with students that were interested in the Dark Arts, just as he did himself whilst he was at Hogwarts. He recalled that there was an incident where Lyra almost killed a girl in her grade. She should have been expelled on the spot and every single teacher, including himself recommended that she should have but Albus saw potential where others did not. He assigned for her to work with Madam Pomfrey every single night for at least three hours to assist with the treatment of her victim and others in the hospital wing.

Maybe Professor Dumbledore would be right in this instance as he had with her punishment. Maybe this was a part of Lyra finding her identity. Snape decided it was best if he keep an eye on her and be on guard at all times. He planned what he could do to keep her occupied.

~

Snape arrived at classroom 3C after noting Lyra’s absence at breakfast this morning. He knocked on the classroom door before allowing himself in. He was surprised at how much effort Lyra had taken to decorating the classroom. The classroom held great resemblance to a museum. The walls were lined with shelves filled with books about different dark creatures. There were glass exhibits showing off skeletons of some of these creatures along with a few live ones. He looked closely and realised it was an enchantment that gave off a 3D projection of the creature but it looked so realistic. He laughed to himself as he saw many Dark artefacts that you would be accustomed to seeing at Borgin and Burkes, no doubt she had borrowed it from her Uncle’s collection, possibly without permission. As Severus looked around he noticed that Lyra was nowhere to be seen so he wandered up the stairs to the office.

He knocked on the door and again he received no reply. He entered the room and again Lyra was not there. He exhaled deeply and decided to see if she was in her quarters. He pressed an ear to her door and it sounded as if she was fighting with a boggart. He knocked on her door and called out her name. He received no reply yet again. “Lestrange, I’m coming in.”

He entered the room and saw Lyra struggling in her bed. It seemed as if she was asleep, he approached her whilst calling her name, hoping that it would be enough to wake her. He drew his wand and used incarcerous to stop her from flailing, he attempted to stir her by shaking her and it seemed to work.

Lyra awoke covered in sweat and tears had wet her cheeks. She attempted to sit up and felt that she had been restrained, panic overcame her though her heart was already racing. There were hands on her shoulders and she looked up at the person who was touching her. She was surprised to see it was Professor Snape hovering over her, he waved his wand and the rope disappeared. She breathed a sigh of relief and sat up in her bed.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “I’m fine. You should really consider taking me on a date first before tying me up.”

Snape rolled his eyes as he straightened up. “How long has this been happening?”

He looked up at him as if she was a child being scolded. In this moment her usual carefree demeanour slipped. She drew her legs to her chest and rested her head between her knees, her eyes looked away. “A while now,” she said.

“You’d think as a healer you’d have the wisdom to seek treatment for such an ailment,” he said. “I have potions that could help you.”

“Is there a cure for guilt?” she asked.

Snape sat on her bed where she had made room. “No, you just learn to live with it.”

“Then I doubt your potions would help,” she sighed. “I’ve tried a few, dreamless sleep doesn’t make me feel like I’ve slept it just feels like I close my eyes and I’m awake, all that I’ve lost is time. The calming draught and draught of peace seems to ease my mind before I sleep but the dreams still come.”

“I’ll find you something,” he said, placing a hand on her knee.

She smiled weakly and thanked him.

“I like what you’ve done with the classroom,” he said.

She sat up straighter, crossing her legs. “Really? I hope the kids like it. It’s not too scary is it?”

“The Dark Arts are something to be feared,” he said.

“But there are young ones,” she replied, “I don’t want to terrify them on their first day. Some haven’t even been exposed to our world before. You can’t learn through fear.”

Snape stared at her for a moment. She looked so innocent, almost child-like. He felt something tug at his heart. Was it pity he felt for her? Pity from knowing the truth of her past? She had been exposed to the Dark Arts and the works of Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters since she was a child. That’s what Severus had concluded he had felt, pity.

“So, Severus,” she said, “Why have you come here?”

He didn’t want Lyra to know that he had come here out of concern from her missing presence from breakfast. “I was going to ask for your help with gathering some potions ingredients,” he lied. “Professor Sprout has been growing some things for me and they should be ready to collect.”

“Is she going to be there?” she questioned.

“I’m sure she will be,” he stated.

She groaned, “Count me out.”

He smiled slightly in amusement to her reaction. “So what will you be doing instead?” he asked.

“Nothing,” she shrugged.

“Get dressed, we’re going,” he demanded.

She rolled her eyes as she got up. She shooed him out and he waited in her office while she got dressed.

~

Severus Snape and Lyra Lestrange made their way down to the greenhouses. Lyra attempted to make small talk during their walk about Hogwarts and its happenings but nothing had really seemed to have changed. The Potions Master seemed to be resistant to talking in that moment so Lyra abandoned the conversation and instead enjoyed the scenery on the way. When they arrived at the greenhouses they were greeted by a very bubbly Paloma Sprout.

“Lyra! Severus!” she yelled, her earmuffs tightly on her ears causing her to speak significantly loudly than necessary. “What a nice surprise!”

Lyra smiled and tapped her ear to point out the earmuffs.

“Oh! Silly me!” Paloma continued as she pulled them off. “I didn’t see you this morning at breakfast.”

“Slept in,” Lyra shrugged.

“Can’t sleep in when you have classes, dear,” the Herbologist continued. “Anyway, Severus, I wasn’t expecting to see you for a few days but everything should be ready for harvesting.

Lyra looked over to the Potions Master with a raised eyebrow but he maintained his plain expression as he nodded, “Thank you.”

Professor Sprout seemed to want to go on and show the two plants she had been preparing over the school break for her classes this year. Lyra put on her best smile and attempted to make the conversations short whilst maintaining politeness. Professor Sprout eventually took them to where the ingredients were going and instructing them how to harvest them effectively. Severus managed to dismiss her, assuring her he knew what he was doing and with that she left, explaining that there were more plants to attend to.

“I thought she’d never leave,” Lyra sighed in relief. “I wonder where Professor Dumbledore gets all of these teachers, they all won’t shut up about their field.”

“Some people would call that passion, Lestrange,” he said.

“But you don’t hear you and me raving about the Dark Arts now, do you? We’d end up in Azkaban.”

“Is it something you’ve kept up to date on?��� Severus asked, motivated to know whether she was still in touch with that side of herself.

“Nothing apart from what my Uncle tells me,” she said as she carefully pulled an asphodel plant out of the ground, attempting to keep the roots intact. “Haven’t touched it since I was last here, to be honest. I know it’s something I need to stay away from and studying healing doesn’t allow time for much other research.”

He was relieved to hear that but couldn’t disregard the possibility that she could still pose a danger to his colleagues or students at the school. Lyra seemed to be deeply engrossed in the removal of the asphodel so he did not attempt to resume or extend the conversation. The pair continued to work in silence until Lyra began singing to herself softly. She had a sweet voice that he heard many times during her performances in school. He didn’t know how much he missed it until he had heard it again.

“You can sing louder, you know?” Severus suggested.

“I don’t want to disturb you,” she said, interrupting her song. She went quiet.

“You’re a good singer,” he admitted. “I enjoyed hearing you sing, that’s why I said that. You should take up Filius’ offer. It would be good for you.”

She was too embarrassed to start up again.

[sketchesandnonesense]

rambly post that might be slightly les coherent than other ones bc i’m v v sleepy n out of it n Not Feeling Well

all those who don’t wanna read bout me bein an Anxious Fucker look away now

w e l p 

I feel like I’ve covered this already but i still feel like i shit friend

I’ve been neglecting so many of my buds like hella

I haven’t actively initiated a fuckin convo since 1912 

and even then they don’t last v long bc I’m shit

n idk what’s wrong w/ me as of late

my depression feels more Crushing than fucking ever

my Anxiety is sky fucking high because work is a goddamned mess I have 0 life and I’m v much feeling like i’m purposelessly floatin through life

Tonight was manageable

though that’s all i really asked for

I did a spell, a simple one, for the last hour of my shift to be empty so we could clean n everything. that no matter what today threw at me, I’d manage. 

and I did

i promised my Will would outlast my lipstick

and it did

till i got home, wiped off my lipstick, and took a nap

then i woke up disoriented and not feelin that great n all my anxiety hit me like a goddamned truck it was gr8 rlly

Work is so fucking draining i hate it 

I don’t know which i hate more

morning shift or late shift

both are fucking awful because my job is fucking awful and i wish i wasn’t fucking scared of driving long distances in my shitty little focus otherwise I’d be trying to find literally anywhere fucking else to work

I’d love to do comissions n art shit for money but lmao my art ain’t that fucking good

n everybody knows there’s atleast 40 other artists with better art and more dire circumstances that could use the fucking income more than my stupid ass so whatever

n lmao getting a legit job doing art would be A. a bitch and a half bc See Above and I’d get so anxious i’d chicken out applying

so

shitty subway job it is 

for shitty ol me

bluh

i feel 17 kinda gross n tired n long for the sweet embrace of death

though i don’t REALLY wanna die

I just REALLY want to get replaced

like

someone takes up my place so nobody realizes i’m gone so i can die Guilt Free 

someone better than me

someone better at art and music and talking and being a decent person

someone not me

I hate this i hate feeling like this i hate feeling weighed down n like my spine’s gonna snap n like my head is full of static and wool

i wish there was something i could take that could make it go away but haha like that’s ever gonna happen

i can barely remember to take the ONe med i have to worry bout on time

I’d never be able to get into a routine 

Ive always been rlly bad bout routines

i never rlly have one

I used to always take a shower at 9:00 n head to bed at 11:00ish 

though anymore It’s an accomplishment i take a shower at all n don’t put it off till tomorrow or worse still not take one then and wait till i feel Absolutely Disgusting n my hair looks gross enough i know people will notice at work

I’m just

so fucking gross everything about me is and of course none of y’all can see that bc y’all only get my Highlights Reel selfies most of the time w/ filters n angles

good thing i don’t have a LDR otherwise they’d be DEEPLY underwhelmed once they met me irl lmao 

speaking of relationships

guess who’s been getting Them Mushy Stupid Feelings again???

and guess who’s depression has been kicking her in the teeth for it??

this bitch

bc lemme explain here

I still rlly like the idea of a relationship or atleast having someone i can call my own n make stupid jokes w/ bout it n all that Jazz

but

the person i got these mushy feelings for

I’m still not Totally Sure how they feel bout me bc well

we did talk bout it alot but

i’m still just like

Doubt

like

was it all just bull so I wouldn’t feel bad??

was I creepy as fuck??????

were the feelings returned then but gone now????

were there ever really Feelings or was it just v v little crush-y thing while I’m over here in a big heap of Garbage feeling like my heart’s going to fucking fall apart 

does he still feel that way bout me??

would he tell me the truth if i asked?

ugh jsut

i hate it

and that ain’t the end of it oh no

it gets worse

bc I worry bout him

alot

bc shit’s goin down in his life n I hate to pry but im a nosy bitch n idk how to help like??? is he the typa person to talk bout this sorta thing or should i go straight for Distract w/ Memes ???????????

I also worry I’ve been creepy and/or annoying and/or shitty n made him Not Like Me

and I’m trying so hard to be like “I don’t need validation from anyone if they like me they do if they don’t then they don;t”

but at the same time

I’m always a slut for Positive Attention

so you see my dillema

bluh

I wish i could be nicer to myself i know everyone wants me to be nicer to myself but it’s so fucking hard 

especially recently bc it feels like the voice in my head ordered a fucking megaphone off amazon w/ 2 day shipping and now the fucker is 3x as loud

so instead of creeping little thoughts that bug me n make me sad I have a loud ass voice over everything else in my head telling me i’m awful

i should be a better friend

I don’t deserve all the good things i have

I should stop being a fucking crybaby

 I’m so disgusting how could anyone ever like me

I shouldn’t bother trying to get into a relationship, I’ll only let the other person down 

people you’ve turned down or people who turned you down dodged a real bullet not having to deal with you 

you clingy, manipulative, whiny, pessimistic, pile of garbage

why does anyone even stay around you it’s so rare you’re even worth noticing

your art’s so mediocre why do you even keep trying you know it won’t get any better

stop bothering trying to accept yourself you know you hate how you look and you find yourself disgusting don’t try to fool yourself or anyone else

you��re such an absolute disgrace of a human being you shouldn’t even exist

and it feels like it jsut keeps getting louder with these thoughts pounding on my head like i thought it was bad before but now I hear it full blast

like I was wearing a diving helmet that leaked 

now i’ve taken it off and I’m suffocating

you’re not a real witch

you’re stupid for believing you can do anything with afew little words and “feeling” anything

those little poppets you made won’t help your depression n the rocks you bought won’t make the voice stop

why even bother if you’re not going to actually try 

you didn’t even research that much did you

you just want to say you’re a witch and act like you have some sort of power when really you’re just as sad and pathetic as you were before you started thinking your childhood halloween costume was something more

you can’t commit to anything

it’s pathetic

any time your little “spells” work it’s coincidence and you know it. you don’t know what you’re doing and you don’t have any power in anything. just give up already

I wish i knew what to do to get the voice to stop or atleast to put the diving helmet back on but i don’t know how to fix it I don’t know how to get it to stop for good

I don’t know why this is happening there’s no reason for it

maybe it’s because I fell in love and it made me weak n more susceptible to Everythign Else

who the fuck knows bc i don’t

I’m so exhausted

writing all this out has helped alot, n so has this soda i grabbed from downstairs

so 

the thoughts are finally out of my head and somewhere else

good

then i can read them over and over again 

and try and fight back but

it’s hard

it’s so hard to fight myself

it’s hard to fight thoughts that force their way into my head like facts

blah

the thoughts have died down

they’re quieter again

i can still see them through the glass of my diving helmet and they tap on the glass but

they’re more manageable now

though

some are still clinging to the back of my mind

mostly the ones on love since that’s what I’ve been so stupidly hung up on lately

i guess it’s just because I’ve been wanting affection for so long just

wanting someone that I fell in love w/ like that that would love me back

that i got hung up on the first person who i thought maybe shared the same feelings but now i’m not entirely sure even though I know what they said my brain is still jumbling things up and making it hard to sort through

tho if you’re reading this ya nosy lil fucker n you know who you are

shoot me a skype message so i know i haven’t managed to be So Incredibly Draining you never wanna talk again

or don’t rlly

it doesn’t matter in the end i guess

it’s obvi a possibility i’m just a super draining person n it’s nobody’s fault

I still wonder though if you get as nervous as i do sometimes

maybe I’m just being dumb

maybe I’m just so disgustingly infatuated with the idea of love and relationships I’m projecting 

maybe I’m just hoping so badly that some cute, stupid thing i read in a story could happen to me 

because i think about that alot

wishing and wishing that some day I’d be part of a bigger story

that something would Happen and my life would have some sort of narrative or meaning to it that would feel satisfying

like there was fate i was meeting with

but

I guess me n fate just can’t seem to make plans quite right

I should probably just finish my soda and head off to bed

or atleast try

maybe stay up on my phone n watch weird DIY videos on youtube bc that tends to happen alot

i know I’ll never actually get to doing any of them n have no intention of it but

still fun to watch other people have fun making things

or destroying them in some cases

if you poor soul make it to the bottom of this post congrats

here’s a link to the song I’ve been listening to for the majority of writing this that’s kinda helped w/ my anxiety alittle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5IEt63qOSI

been listening to alotta big bad voodoo daddy lately

got good music