#its a matter of time i am not that smart | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sharkylad · 3 months ago

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Thinking about the fact that Mabel and Dipper didn't know they had two great uncles.

Yeah they are 12 and at 12 I had a shotty understanding of my family tree- But really? Nobody brought up their great uncle? Stanley? Especially since they'll be staying with his twin brother, Stanford?

Shermie never went to Stan's fake funeral, which to me means the twos relationship was strained on some level. If Shermie is older that means his view of Stan was poisoned in some way, that even as kids they weren't close. If the Shermie is younger then he never even got to meet Stan and all he knew about him was how he failed his family. Hell, people probably barely mentioned Stanley TO Shermie.

The fact that Stan had become a black stain upon the Pines family name makes me so vividly upset. Stanley faked his death and the family just- seemingly decided to strike him from the record. To pretend he didn't existed to spare themselves the sadness and shame.

Stanford and Shermie Pines. The only children worth mentioning of Filbrick and Caryn Pines.

It was never Stanford that was lost to the world. It was Stanley, ever since he had to leave New Jersy- it was always him that had to be struck from the record. Change his name, change his state, change his affiliations, destroy the remains of ghost that was Stanley Pines. Kill him so the family doesn't bring him up, doesn't ask questions, stops asking "Stanford" about his twin.

I just keep thinking about the fact that since the day he made one single mistake all the way up until Ford walks out of that machine- Stanley Pines was killed and did not exist. And Stan himself had no one to blame, he had to play the part in his own demise- He is the only one who ever knew Stanley was alive and has been for decades.

He lives in the multitudes of every personality he's ever taken, all in the hope that he himself can stop being Stanley Pines.

#gravity falls #grunkle stan #stanley pines #STANLEYYYYYY #STANLEY THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU STANLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sharky rants #Just. Imagine the fucking shame you have to live with #the shame that you can never be yourself. That anything you were is unwanted and forgotten #The shame of just BEING- Of taking space of- of /breathing-/#Imagine the world; your friend; your family; your colleagues being so ashamed of having known you #that you feel more comfortable with a persona to present.#You feel more comfortable stealing the identity of someone you care for deeply if only to help #If only to feel capable for once. To feel like you belong- Like youre doing something good for once #Imagine the shame that brings you to be comfortable not being yourself for 40 years.#ALL CASE YOU BROKE ONE FUCKING PROJECT??????? COME ON #I mean- the deeprooted shame was started from earlier. He was 'the stupid twin“; 'the troublemaker”; “the cheat and thief”#This was a long time coming #But those werent MISTAKES- The one time he genuinely made a Mistake he lost everything #Like he really mattered so little to the people around him #and he cant really blame them.#My cousin is a genius. Hes smart and academically achieved since I was a baby.#The only thing I had that he didnt was my ability to draw. to be creative. The guy for the longest time had a better social life then me too #I used to get brought to tears seeing his accomplishments- seeing people praise him. The shame lived in me any time I had to see him #The shame that I was the black sheep of the family next to the golden standard for a son- for a student- for a friend.#when I was none of those things #And Im lucky he was my cousin- cause if he was my brother that would have haunted me EVERY DAY rather then once or twice a year #Im better with it now; Im more content with who I am- But trauma dump aside-#I very very very much understand Stans shame in being the stupid one. The unachieved one in a family full of achieved people #the shame thats angry at him for being better. at the family for treating him special. and most of all at yourself that you cant be better #its a visceral feeling that I sadly understand

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lady-raziel · 4 months ago

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hilarious that with each new day that passes a new bit of dirt from JD Vance's past gets discovered and plastered over the internet...it's almost as if this is why presidential campaigns have always announced their running mates well before the convention...so that if glaring issues with a candidate came to light quickly there would be time to replace them on the ticket before they were officially locked in...it's almost as if certain things in political campaigns were done for a reason, donald...because the very same critical failures had happened before...but no i'm sure you and your guys attempt to recreate a fantasy version of history while ignoring all the reasons that history was a disaster will work this time...because you are built different and the 10000th time trying fascism will work like a charm...

#us politics #politics tw #i view the MAGA movement like this:#the conservatives have been desperately trying to jam a square peg into a round hole for a very long time #and they keep trying because one of these times its GOT to work! a very long time ago they heard the hole was more squarelike #so if they just TRY hard enough it will work!#failing to understand that the hole has become weathered and changed over time and the solution they are trying #will never work (if it ever did)#and then donald trump comes along and looks at the square peg #lobs one of the corners off and proclaims 'this is a triangle! THIS will work! I am so smart!'#and everyone around him is like 'whoa! this guy gets it! he's a genius and understands the problem! he's our savior!'#ignoring the fact that the peg is not a fucking triangle. it's just a deformed square now #so its still not going to work. and even if it WAS a triangle it still wouldn't work because THE HOLE IS ROUND.#it's the same damn peg but it looks a little different so everyone thinks its a genius solution that is DEFINITELY going to work #so they're all excited! they're FINALLY going to prove those idiots trying different types of oval pegs wrong!#they were right all along and it just took donald trump to see it! thank goodness he came along!#but that's just it-- he WAS just COMING ALONG. he was just walking by and saw an opportunity. he never spent time trying to make pegs #all he did was saw a crowd and took a chance to break an already failing peg even further #but because the people were desperate and it was different enough it seemed revolutionary #and now some of the conservatives--who can still see that the 'triangle' peg isnt a triangle are starting to look around #and see that elsewhere there have been some who have forced a triangle into the center of the round hole #and these people think well what if we ACTUALLY tried a real triangle?#and it does not matter to them in the slightest that it will never be the true solution to filling the hole #they just want credit for solving the problem #and so they are going to back donald trump and when the time is right put a real triangle in his hand #while the people trying ovals are busy arguing over the right type of oval #and once the triangle has been jammed into that hole...well...#it is going to be really really hard to force out #anyway thats a long and complicated metaphor and i probably should have just put it in its own post aaaaaahgh #long story short dont be a fascist triangle alright

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celorangeine · 2 months ago

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these are my headcanons for what these 3 would wear outside of their uniforms 🤗

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sidesteppostinghours · 3 months ago

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6, 11, and 19- UHHHHHH any of them that vibes these questions! <:"Dc

afternoon lori!! thank you for the ask :D

6. Who will they take advice from, no matter what it is? Who won’t they take advice from, no matter what it is?

Caine-

taking advice: chen. without a doubt its chen. caine would question him or argue if they dont understand why hes giving the advice he does, but at the end of the day, he trusts that chen has his reasons, and that those reasons make sense.

refusing advice: hmmm,,, significantly harder to answer tbh. caine is pretty accepting of a lot of avenues of information. maybe hollow ground? so far hes been extremely suspicious of the kingpin, Especially after almost getting threaded. either that or regina, but would she even survive long enough to give them advice???? shes the only person so far they actually want revenge against.

Cyrus-

taking advice: anathema. too bad hes dead. nobody to stop cyrus now.

refusing advice: id say chen, purely for "fuck him, he wouldnt piss on me if i was burning" reasons. hed be way too suspicious of any 'advice' chen gives to act on it.

Cecilia-

taking advice: ceci doesnt exactly do advice. more like suggestions. most of them come from ortega, not because she particularly trusts him but because most of his suggestions tend to be fun. ofc she also turned down therapy so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

refusing advice: daniel. for extremely petty reasons. even deciding to stay at his place was an idea she came up with, not him. danny has no Idea how much of a pain shes going to be now that theyre rooming together.

Cynthia-

taking advice: hollow ground. #justthreadedtingz😍🤪

refusing advice: the funny thing about cynthia is that she cares for the people shes close to, she just doesnt trust them, so this applies to a lot of people. definitely ortega because thats probably the messiest divorce i ever did see, but also dr mortum, because she doesnt think she would understand the situation shes in enough to give advice even if their relationship Doesnt completely fall apart when the puppet thing is revealed.

11. They’ve won the lottery. Spend, or save?

Caine- nothing really to spend it on. save, unless theres something he really wants to get his hands on.

Cyrus- could be useful in the future. save.

Cecilia- depends, does she still have her funds from thievery? if no, spend. if yes, pretend to spend it by showing off things she already owns to throw people off her track, then save it. or spend if theres something mundane she wants.

Cynthia- doesnt really like having big sums of money lying around. spend it on villain work.

19. Do they study before tests? Practice before job interviews?

Caine- i mean. does going into a rabbit hole of tangentially relevant information a week before count? not for job interviews though. they couldnt care enough about that.

Cyrus- duh. hes the person somebody would go to if they need notes or extra tutoring.

Cecilia- no, but if she cared about tests enough shed be a top student, and she usually manages to fly by on job interviews because shes pretty charming.

Cynthia- yes, but for school its because the subjects are interesting to her, while the job interview is for general "i want to get the job" reasons.

questions from here!

#pulp answers #ask game #once again i am obsessed with chen and caines dynamic with trust #but to elaborate a little more while sparing the rant #caine trusts chen enough to argue with him because they want to understand his perspective #theyd do a lot for him but he wants to know /why/ first- he doesnt want to act blindly for the sake of following orders #which is more than what i could say for some of their other relationships #if i had to say somebody alive for the “who would cyrus get advice from” question itd be dr mortum #hes smart+one of cyrus best friends+doesnt have any annoying moral hangups to get in the way of giving good advice #theres just a small little hangup of dr mortum getting extremely pissed at him for letting argentine get hurt but you know im sure its fine #OKAY BUT TO BE FAIR TO CYNTHIA #EVEN IF SHE WASNT THREADED #AS LONG AS SHE GOT THE PROTECTED STATUS SHED BE THE MOST WILLING TO LISTEN TO HOLLOW GROUND #potential big sibling???? who seems to care enough about her to protect her from their own mind???? who cynthia doesnt have to worry about-#-a big bad secret destroying their relationship over????? are you fucking kidding sign her up #hollow ground couldve had it All if they hadnt fucked it up first meeting by threading her #now its just a matter of time before that explodes in their face Again #something i find really interesting is that cynthia kinda. underestimates ortega and dr mortum? but not in terms of their abilities #more in what they would accept and understand. like she doesnt think they could ever really Get the things shes done yk?#which is why she keeps lying to them #all of my steps are already well-off to wealthy but still choose to live Like That (coughcainecough)#anyway! thank you again for the ask lori!#caine lynzal #cyrus becker #cecilia rider #cynthia garcia #sidestep #fhr

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varjopeura · 4 days ago

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#like i have So Many Thoughts about this stuff rotating in my head pretty much constantly #(i tried to write the post. i did. i get stuck after a sentence or two every time i do)#the things i want to say are right there! the will to write them is right there!#it's just. this is not my language. it takes a lot of mental processing power to get Any words onto a screen #and i think i'm fairly fluent! i still get caught up in turns of phrases and spelling words and picking the right prepositions and whatnot #do you have any idea how scathingly smart i am in finnish #how good of a writer #and all of that gets muddled up by using a wrong language #all the Actual Thoughts i want to convey get buried under anxiety about word choices #usually i don't mind at all. usually the things i write here are light and short enough that it doesn't matter #with light and short things you can either choose to ignore any dumb language mistakes Or you can very quickly check them #but when you want to take a closer look at an entire culture and talk about its impact on people?#and sprinkle in some very vulnerable personal ideas too?#it's not a light and quick and easy thing to write. and constantly stopping to check things Will destroy the flow #i just. i have thoughts and no satisfactory way to share them and that sucks!!!#eughhhh #sussitalk

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angorwhosebabyisthis · 11 months ago

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lies on the floor and has just So Many Feelings about all the ways in which pericles and cassidy are foils, one of them being the comparison between how they use constant, vocal, unabashed affirmation of the qualities they value about themselves to cope with rock bottom self-esteem.

there's so much to be said here about how pericles' 'positive' self-talk is ultimately destructive to himself and everyone around him, whereas cassidy's has both been healing for her and held her back from processing her self-loathing in other ways, and so much of that has to do with her experiencing firsthand the results of pericles' shit handling of his poor self-esteem and desperately not wanting to be anything like him. fuck me up man

#sdmi #scooby doo: mystery incorporated #cassidy williams #professor pericles #SDMItag #there's SO much here god #the older i get the more i understand cassidy and *ow*#which like god the 'desperately does not want to be another pericles' is a whole can of worms of its own #cassidy: it's important to internalize that you're allowed to like and be proud of things about yourself without having to Pass Peer Review #not just as a matter of principle but because your brain needs to hear it reinforced to do so; especially when there's already damage #in the same way that someone tearing you down over and over and over will beat the idea into your head over time #no matter how Flat Out Wrong you believe they are on a logical level; and no matter how viscerally you believed that at the start #be the opposite of that for yourself #pericles: my entire personhood hinges on one (1) Good Quality(tm)#without it i am utterly worthless and deserve everything that has ever happened to me. everyone i refused to believe about myself was right #the only valid measure of whether i am a person and have worth is whether the One Good Quality demonstrably *works* in practice #and other people are forced to believe it is real and matters because it directly affects them; usually to their detriment #and the only reason people try to stop me from succeeding or give me consequences for my actions is because they don't see me as a person #'locking me up like a common beast' isn't wrong because he's inherently a person; it's wrong because *he's Smart and that makes him one*#and it does not cross his mind at all that 'seems to have murdered a bunch of children' *might in fact be a reason they'd lock up a person*#so fuck em he'll hurt anyone and everyone in order to prove his One Good Quality; and make *absolutely sure* they know it's being proved #there has to be someone else to witness and validate that proof; because to him his own judgment does not count #cassidy after having her life destroyed by the results: Hm! no thanks #dyn: so nice to meet you; angel

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toytulini · 5 months ago

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Disclaimer im just processing some thoughts im not cancelling the show

have almost thoughts about how i find the like....narrative on here that if you have chronic "zebra" conditions youd want a doctor like House and wouldnt sue for malpractice bc at least youd have a doctor that cares about whats wrong with you but lets take it one step further. so often he does NOT give a shit about the patient and actively endangers them frequently with his god damn heoric era of medicine approach? non zero amount of times he gets a diagnosis but it comes too late, or he gets a diagnosis after their first wrong 3 guesses of the episode shut down the patients kidneys and they either have to get a transplant or they are just, doomed due to other preexisting conditions etc? idk. i know ppl are almost certainly exaggerating and just letting off steam about the very real failures of our current medical systems and the ableism baked in and All That Shit. i just think its weird how ppl romanticize House who STILL, FREQUENTLY, MULTIPLE EPISODES will actively dismiss shit in the exact way that is a problem in our current system, especially when hes being Forced Against His Will To See Clinic Parients, he loves to be dismissive as fuck of symptoms and if he was a real doctor i think he'd be fucking 50/50 on cases he Notices Something To Dig Into vs cases he dismisses as an Anxious Hysterical Woman Who Wants Attention, the only reason he's Right so frequently in his snap judgements is cos it reinforces the narrative. its like a crime drama that has the mastermind serial killer masterfully using "loopholes" and lawyering up all sneaky and dodging Justice and if only our poor little cop protags were allowed to do A TEENY BIT of Justified Police Brutality, they could Save Lives!

and like sometimes in the show they will have a patient die despite his efforts to narratively punish him. not to mention, i think its been at least mildly brought up and glossed over how much they absolutely do not think about insurance costs for these ppl for the insane amount of tests that find nothing and Wrong Medications To Force A Diagnosis they use? i think it was brought up once in the episode following a day in the life of cuddy where she had to fight a lawsuit bc a guys insurance like didnt cover his thumb being reattached but chase reattached it anyway while in surgery cos it was The Right Thing To Do and the guy didnt have the money to cover it and the insurance wouldnt pay unless he sued the hospital or whatever. thats like the only time its come up. whereas like frequently the doctor I go to for osteopathic manipulation tries to check in with me and make sure im covered by insurance etc and that im not going to go broke or get buried in medical debt seeing her.

idk. just some Thoughts. not a defense of our current system and all the flaws it enables and enforces etc. his approach to medicine is really reminiscent to me of what I know of the Heroic Era Of Medicine which i dont...love? and hes framed on here as being an asshole but would kill for his patients to get them a diagnosis etc. but hes definitely extremely paternalistic to patients ? and despite some good clippable lines about ableism and being against eugenics, it honestly feels like his stance on that is kind of a toss up.

#toy txt post #AGAIN THIS IS NOT A DEFENSE OF OUR CURRENT SYSTEM NOR AM I TRYING TO 'CANCEL' THE SHOW #i am simply processing some Thoughts about it #and wishing better doctors upon all of you when you need them #doctors who Listen To You and who Put In The Effort and The Work to figure out why you feel like shit #who also arent calling you slurs the whole time and throwing random fucking medications at you that destroy your liver or whatever #but give them data. idk. like sometimes in the show it does seem like they need to do that! like the patient is actively dying and the risk #to info ratio is such that it makes sense. other times its like you like definitely couldve done other things to rule shit out but you #needed to fit this whole patient arc into a single episode #not to mention i feel like any doctor who approached shit even close to the way he does would Not have his success rate #no matter how smart the payoff would Not be worth it bc theyd kill more patients. they would not be getting lucky everytime. real life does #not have a plot narrative to fulfill if house treated you he'd just fucking kill you #also one more disclaimer I AM AWARE DR GREGORY HOUSE IS A FICTIONAL MADE UP BLORBO CHARACTER #AND THAT MOST OF THE PPL JOKING ABOUT THIS DO NOT NEED THE REMINDERS OR WARNINGS OR DISCLAIMERS ABOUT HIM ETC ETC #IM SIMPLY THINKING ABOUT HIM AND THIS SHOW AND REAL LIFE #and am only a little bit uncomfortable w the level to which his approach is romanticized on tumblr dot com. but i understand why and like #fair enough #anyway watching house MD is like a sawbones episode displaced in time and Very Worrying #i just have the finale of s7 left and then i will start s8 #and i am dreading the aphobia episode. but it cannot be worse than the horrific intersexism and transphobic he's put on display right #right?#i guess its probably not worse in that from what ive seen on tumblr. he is being aphobic to an adult and not a teenager. so #also house is infuriating bc if you remove the doctor bit. i have met this man so many times and i want to kill him ♡#the guy who is just allowed to stampede through life being a total ass with no pushback or accountability and terrorize people #hes a bad employee and a worse boss #okay turning reblogs off on this cos i dont trust ppl. i think i have replies restricting to mutuals too so #that way this doesnt break containment and get misinterpreted

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this-should-do · 10 months ago

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ykno i think that only ever being told im physically appealing by drs saying i could be prettier if i did this or that or lost weight or by my mom trying to emphasize how im a pretty GIRL to invalidate my desire to be more masculine most of my life probably affected my ability to feel good about my body

#like genuinely i have not been complimented on my looks for a majority of my life by peers #like ive had friends recently like say im slaying or looking good but like in the face kf yhings it doesnt like do anything i guess like #its what friends do #i had a person j used to be friends comlliment me once about me looking hot and sexy and i started feeling nauseus so i dont know what thats #all about so its like would i even want people tk ckmpliment on looking good? do j need that? how does it work why would i need it #when i dont really desire the types of relationships where being attractive matters #if im in my ideal state of mind i dont even register my body its seperate from me and im just my thoughts so i dktn have to think about #my ohysicality but when i have to register myself i just feel ugly but even more it all just feels wrong to have a body at all and thats #prob where the transness comes in tbh #like i dunno is it better for me to have avoided being told over and over that im worthy becuz im attractice as a woman or is that a symptom #kf me just being ugly that nobody ever commented on my body aside from adults daying how cute and ptetty i am and then my mom telling them #that im actually really smart to help me value my mind over my body becuz she grew up being ugly while also thinking shes stupid #like #like all of this to result in me being ugly no matter what way i cut it and i cant even bring myself to care much about it most of them time #even tho it feels mishapen in my mind as a feeling #its like bad and i look at myself in the mirror and i feel bad i look bad my face is wrong and its like the strongest feeling i feel some #days for those brief seconds i see myself and then j look away and it goes away and im back to having normal bland brain waves #its kinda fucked

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pantestudines · 1 year ago

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having a "former gifted kid" type mental spiral

#i say this because the spiral is actually about how much i hate the word and the general culture around giftedness #mostly because its incredibly inconsistent between schools so people often mean different things when they say it #but also because in my specific case its certainly not a gift but like. what am i supposed to call it.#its literally a neurodivergence in my case that has had many effect postive and negative on my life. but its also a school club.#and its also nothing! before the advent of like modern standardized public education i wouldve just been a curious kid #Without modern public education im not sure i wouldve even been different from other kids. maybe a little socially awkward still but idk #and like. Am i really different from other kids? am I now as an adult different from my peers? Occasionally i will get told as such #how the fuck am i suppose to talk about how much being seperated from my peers and held to higher standards sucked #when the name of the reason why this happened might as well be 'gods specialist little boy'#none of the things that make people think im smarter are really all that useful day to day. and most non-gifted people are like. still smar #i happen to be good at memorizing the kind of facts schools test you on as children #but is that just because i was told as a kid to be good at school and so i tried hard to do that?#even if I am uniquely good at that #does that really make me more intelligent than the high school dropouts who can fix cars like its nothing?#in fact i would say they are at least wiser than me for picking something practical to be smart at #at my school being gifted usually implied you were a little neurodivergent and bad at socializing #often our gifted kids were actually failing classes because they were smart enough to realize they didnt matter #(not me but still)#but at some schools being gifted just means you were an avid reader or were pressured by your parents to maintain perfect As at all times #so if i say. wanted to talk about how being 'gifted' has often made some aspects of academia like hating emails and having time blindness #and not having a good friend network and having many unadressed issues around not really knowing how to make friends #if i wanted to talk about that. and i say 'I was gifted growing up and this sucked'#the person on the other end might hear 'oh woe is me im so smart and this makes my life so hard'#AND FURTHER STILL #on tumblr especially 'former gifted kid' has kindve become parlance for 'guy whining about nothing'#or even 'person who they were told was smart but is actually kinda dumb'#which... yeah! theres a reason many former gifted kids are like that! thats kindve my issue with the program in the first place!#it takes otherwise relatively normal if well achieving kids and tells them they are gods specialist little children.#THIS CANNOT BE HELPFUL TO ANYONE? like whatever chance the kids had at seeming normal has been stripped away #and they now also think they are the smartest person in the room in every situation

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ennuidays · 1 year ago

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i actually cant do this

#im literally the dumbest person i know #everyone else works so much harder and they get so much done #even the way they talk is motivated even if they say its not #everyone is so smart and im slow and cant get anything done correctly or on time #i wish i got straight a's i wish i had something to prove myself #all i have to go on is numbers that dont even matter because nobody takes them #im just some lazy piece of shit who happens to be good at test taking #i dont know anything #im failing my clasdes again #i can barely keep myself above a 3.0 #how much time will it take to get me fixed ???? everyone says its a slow process and you have to find what works for you #but i dont know what works for me and neither does anybody else #every therapist i talk to is at a loss w wht to do with me #am i trying ??? am i worse off than i thought????#i tell myself i can function like anyone else but i cant even prove that #im undeserving of what i have #i get stressed when anythinf good happens to me whrn other people would kill for this opportunity #God strike me down ive wasted my years here i cant keep this up #i ddont deserve the painful death i want #Haha okay im over it

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oflgtfol · 1 year ago

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it is really unfortunate the way suicidality is talked about nowadays because it’s either all a joke so it’s hard to discuss in a serious capacity or it’s so upsettingly serious that you can’t even discuss it without fear of like being institutionalized

#brot posts #im really glad to say this but ive had such a huge improvement this past month that like #for the first time in YEARS. i am not suicidal #dont know if its permanent but like it genuinely feels permanent because i have not gone this long without #thinking about it at least in passing #to go this long without a single thougjt of it at all feels like its permanent and i have to remind myself its literally been A Month #but anyway #sorry i saw a post thats only tangentially related to this but im like. irked right now #like its hard to stress this in the current har har i m gonna kill myself era. but like if you seriously think negatively about #people who are suicidal or have killed themselves; if you're religious and believe suicide is a mortal sin; if you cannot offer #any sort of reasonable sympathy for someone who is suicidal #then like. im sorry! but that is ableism!#it feels kinda wild to associate ableism with suicidality what with the current environment and weird funny-zation of being suicidal #but like legitimately. this is a mental illness. it is not a laughing matter and it should be met with kindness and an appropriate #level of weight that it deserves - not levity. not annoyance. and not brushing it off for whatever reason #im saying this with the clear head that i now have a month into zero suicidal thoughts after years of daily suicidal thoughts #having that stark contrast in the quality of my life really shines a light on just how utterly fucked it was to live like that #and it really smarts at me to finally reach the light at the end of the tunnel and then have people act like it wasnt as bad as it was #people who have never experienced it before themselves - like who are you to tell me my own life and experiences and illness?#to act like it wasnt even an illness in the first place?

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s0urte3th · 1 year ago

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mom is bitching at me how i need to wear short sleeves TOMORROW, and just get over it

#‘you NEED to wear them tomorrow’ or what.#youre gonna take my phone away? im just AnXioUs and need to get the fuck over it?#woman youre lucky i dont fucking take my car and leave. youre lucky i don’t disappear without a trace.#‘we love you and dont care and dont judge!’ i understand that. i do.#but sometimes that just doesnt matter. you can say that to me all you want and ill always have a voice saying otherwise!#i cant just get over this hump. i dont know how to explain it to you but i just cant. its not that simple.#i cant just.. get up and get moving like you want me to. i dont know how to tell you that im absolutely fucking exhausted.#‘youve been taking a break for 6 weeks now’ and? i worked my ASS OFF. FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS STRAIGHT. I DESERVE A BREAK!#IVE EARNED A GODDAMN BREAK. IVE EARNED A FUCKING SUMMER OFF. THIS IS MY FIRST SUMMER OFF IN 5 GODDAMN YEARS WOMAN #i dont care if you think im being lazy. im sorry i dont work the same fucking way you do! but thats a you issue!#‘you need to get your life together’ WELL I DONT WANT TO! I DONT WANT TO RIGHT NOW! I WANNA BE A STUPID COUCH BUM!#i basically just learned that EVERYTHING. I WORKED FOR! IS USELESS! i pushed myself to the edge a constant amount of times over the past 5-#years for NOTHING. because i am incapable of doing anything without someone telling me to or holding my hand.#how do you expect me to know what to do with my fucking life when the life i thought i always had was just shattered?#ive trailed off my planned path! i didnt plan for this! i never thought it could happen! i thought id be PERFECT!#imagine being told your entire life how smart and capable you are only to fail right as someone isnt holding your hand anymore.#just #whatever man. if i dont wanna wear short sleeves i wont. if i dont wanna go outside i wont.#i didnt want to interact with the world anyways. especially after finding out that i dont fit in whatsoever.

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isaacathom · 5 months ago

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ive been lot deep in the sauce of my oc and my friend and gm reminded me that i had a short character summary of naielle's family members on her little profile, so i went to go check it and while most of them are still baaaasically true, the way i described her sister is. Fascinating in comparison to how she's ultimately been characterised.

or, rather, its not the character thats wrong. the assumed personality from the excerpt is about right. its the little details. 'had little interest in the education offered by the university', 'contrary to expectation, excelled in her [feywalker] training', 'hardly noticed naielle's departure'. none of those are true. or, well. its complicated. NAIELLE thought all those things are true. NAIELLE thought Mariela was uninterested in academia, that her success in feywalking was a triumph considering her easily-distracted nature, that she was so dedicated in her duty that she wouldn't have noticed that Naielle had left but as a footnote.

she's wrong! Naielle was simply incorrect! Mariela was interested in academia, but didn't excel early, and not in the fields of her parent's interests (history and mathematics, respectively). Meanwhile Naielle quickly found a passion for history and did well in it. Mariela was compared to her older sister, found wanting, and instead of pursuing whatever she was actually interested in, she had to split off to do something else.

she became a feywalker because its something Naielle could never do - which is unfortunate, considering what Naielle currently is (a celestial warlock, the crews resident planar expert, the major teleportation and navigation bitch - things that have significant overlap with feywalking but for some particularities). Naielle doesn't know if their parents had low expectations for Mariela in that field, so that bits still in the air.

But Mariela definitely fucking noticed Naielle's departure. She fucking noticed. Naielle can't really know how, in an emotional way, but she did. She noticed Naielle's departure, and it didn't make the comparisons any easier. She stole Naielle's research notes to make something of so she could excel over her, for fucks sake. she noticed her departure keenly.

I intend to keep the description because i think its a genuinely fun point of comparison because all those little descriptions are mostly in line with what Naielle thinks is happening, and some things she knows. She knows, for example, that Yivien (her younger brother) is delighting in her departure, because letters between people have mentioned his good mood and praised his architectural designs. And she even knows on some level that this wasn't happening before, because the person recieving the letter mentions not having seen any of his designs prior to that point. Naielle had seen them, of course she had. but her mother had never praised them in letters like that. that's new. Naielle knows this.

idk. its neat! the description of her fiancee (now wife) describes her only as a merchant of middling success, and notes that "Though she was well within her rights to do so, she did not annul her engagement after Naielle was exiled.", which is certainly what naielle would think.

now the descriptions arent entirely naielle's thoughts, because Xistina's does say "she sought a Letter of Marque without Naielle's knowledge", and this was written before naielle had actually learnt this information. It's a bit loosey goosey. It's like, close 3rd person omniscient, where sometimes the narrator goes 'she doesn't know this, BUT'. idk!! i enjoy it as a little relic.

oh god theres also descriptions of (some) party members here and this is some very funny stuff for me.

Vandervest - "Naielle does not contradict his orders," HAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HOOOOOOO BOY. BUDDY. OOOOOOOH MAN. HONEY YOU'VE GOT A BIG STORM COMIN. You can tell this is old because it refers to him as Captain rather than Commodore, and that its from before the Gunpowder Heist, because Naielle did... well okay she did not strictly contradict a given order, because she was not explicitly ordered to do anything, but i think the spirit of the order that was levied was definitely violated. this statement is a categoric falsehood. but she was just a lil guy back then, so,

Marius - "For various reasons, Naielle feels very indebted to him." haha! there are more now, bitch! when I wrote this i think it was only the first instance, in the Astral Sea, because that's from before the fight that got Vandervest promoted. the SECOND instance is from after that. and then the third is after that again, because Marius at this point has done enough Things for Naielle (both as a duty to his fellow crewmember and as a friend) that he could probably levy some fucking heavy loyalty off her. the fact he is now in charge makes this useful i think cause naielle is far less likely to directly disobey him. but again, she didn't directly disobey Vandervest either, so... sorry Marius!!

The Rthnathea - "A psionic warforged with foggy memories and a traumatic past" oh buddy you dont know the half of it. naielle actually doesn't and frankly neither do i but at the time i wrote this i knew like. 0. i now know Much More. its rough in there. it has siblings though so thats cool.

gah. old content, yknow. this shits from MARCH 2021????? ough. ooooough. a year in.... wait when i first wrote this we hadnt even ENTERED NINGBO????? No,,, oh my god i wrote the original article during the intermission between module 1 and 2. then i came back during module 2 and added in some stuff, mostly to add a few characters in the character list (rthnathea, saphielle, the specific detail about marius, sidika,). guh. i think the old version of the article before i rewrote it was LAST edited around... december 2021? maybe jan 2022? barely at the end of module 2. and i could have updated vandervest's title at the time, but didn't even think to do so. gagh

i never actually finished the rewritten campaign summary but its so fucking hard to summarise this shit and i got lost part way through it. also i have homework i need to start doing lest i fall the Fuck behind. augh.