#it's what i've expected and accepted
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#ok .. the appt wasnt as bad as i feared. and the therapist wasnt at all as i had imagined#he was actually one of the more easy ones within the psychiatric dept i've talked to#it was still a bit uncomfortable for me to open up esp when i got certain feelings...#but... what actually was good is that when i did that he pushed just a tiny bit and remarked on it and asked my further#(which works bc he also accepted when i just didnt know what to say or didnt wanna talk abt smth)#it took 2hrs omg.. but felt like 20 minutes.#i could notice that he actually is specialized on personality disorders lol. like he actually got what i said etc (which most havent)#so yeah. not as bad as i feared at all. he was quite good to talk with. this appt didnt feel at all as bad as i thought it would#but ofc he couldnt decide immediately if they'll take me on as a patient. bc they gotta have the required team meeting and discuss etc etc#he did say that he thinks my personality disorder is definitely causing me issues and that even if they dont take me on as a patient i#still need help. so that's just nice to hear#even if bc of cutbacks and such i know that the chances of me actually getting help are slim :(#IF i do tho i wont squander it#anyway it's just nice now bc i was SO tense and stressed and scared but it went absolutely fine#and now i'll just wait until they get back to me. and i dont have any expectations or hopes that they'll accept me as a patient.#so if they dont - as i expected. if they do - nice surprise and actually a real chance for me to get help#for today i feel ok about it phew#i cant help but be anxious abt how at the end he asked me for feedback akskskskks and i was like umm i dunno...#bc it's difficult for me to talk abt a person to that person T-T#but really i wanted to saythat i thought it was really good that he sometimes asked me if he understood smth i said correctly#and explained how he interpreted smth i said. & when i was like oh idk how to explain it idk if this makes sense. he would tell me if he#didnt understand exactly but know where i was going w it etc etc. which honestly most of the therapists i've talked to have not done that#so ughh now im like.. he's one of the few ones who does that i want him to know thats a good thing why didnt i say this T-T noooooo. regret.#oh well....
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the downfall and execution of a tudor queen (2023) / the boleyns: a scandalous family (2021) / the king's pearl: henry viii and his daughter mary (2017), melita thomas / anne boleyn (tv miniseries 2021) / the mirror and the light (2024) / elizabeth (1998)
#web weaving#sort of?#i never feel like my edits really fit#they're more like collages#anyway...me on my island with the one other tudor fan that liked AB 2021 lol#'our expectations were low but holy fuck' sounds like a lot of consternation about a pretty...solid script?#what i loved most about it was moments like the above#the ability to summarize really complex dynamics borne of circumstance#in such a way that you can believe in the world and it serves as its own 'previously on' that a miniseries inherently lacks#esp when it only covers five crucial months#tl; dr there's a lot of smugness evident in many books of this genre#when it comes to anne's attitude towards her stepdaughter#bcus she was quote proven wrong unquote; becaues mary got quote the last laugh unquote...#when really. as per the quotes i've been posting#it doesn't seem like mary's reconciliation with her father was the idyll many have made it#thus we have anne's letter#and offer. knowing that others are offering her better futures#but saying this is the best future you could have. limited time only.#and it seems the future proved her right; not wrong (at least the immediate future)#bcs while matters; had she accepted; might not've been substantially better than they were under the auspices of a 'more gentle' stepmother#it also doesn't really seem like they would have been substantially worse#anne was right that her enemy's supporters wanted her disgraced and/or dead. she was right in that they wanted elizabeth disgraced#and/or dead. she couldn't have predicted what happened to herself in the exact matter it did- mainly bcus it was unprecedented#but it seems she had a pretty clear view of what mary was doing: playing both sides. attempting to ingratiate herself to her father while#also conspiring against him. and she knew it would have been better to have her on side#(and in a more jaundiced view: have her where she could watch what she was doing; who she was seeing)#but perhaps underestimated how impossible it would be to get her there in the first place#('on side' ; that is. not at court. although probably not that either. with the conditions she demanded)#but her fears of mary were not paranoia. they seem to have been grounded in realism#and a clear view of the situation at home and abroad
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diversity win! this witch is bi... lingual?
#anise#murasaki#my ocs#scribblins#because i feel like dumping some worldbuilding:#witches don't really 'do' sexuality the way humans do#because their cultural understanding of gender/presentation is a lot different#tldr ambiguity and neutrality is the default and the specifics of someone's gender are none of your business#unless your relationship with the person requires you to know or they trust you#to the point where even asking for someone's pronouns is considered rude (you're expected to use neutral terms by default)#and even past that they don't have a perception of binary male/female or cis vs trans#you are what you id as and whether or not that's your 'birth' sex is irrelevant (most witches are a little gender fluid anyway)#anyway all this to say is that for anise being bi (or at least the same sentiment) is like... the default in witch culture#but in human culture while it's accepted it's still not the norm#and she's aware of that but knows she doesn't quite understand the full extent of how it's viewed#(hence her anxiety at telling mura)#wow i think this is the most oc lore i've shared publicly for a long time huh#to clarify... this has nothing to do with cs it's original verse stuff#the lines between my fan ocs and my actual ocs are extremely blurred do not ask me how it works
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The situation I posted about is mostly funny but I do think it makes me feel alienated from some people (largely certain women because it's my main reference group) dkkdld. Like oh you guys truly have never had to contemplate your gender/enforced gender norms/gendered choices and gendered benefits/punishments, you truly think that all of your choices and actions are simply personal and not societally steered and socially rewarded/punished 😅 like y'all are comfortable with your conformity to an extent where you don't even notice how little freedom there is sometimes dkkdksks
#i also have complicated feelings because i don't believe in abolishing gender or anything :/ but like dkskldkd#is there a word for when you're a cis woman but you're viscerally uncomfortable with certain expected social roles and gender performances#its not gender nonconforming i conform in a lot of if not most ways. but i'm uncomfortable a lot skkssk#i think its also a special kind of uncomfortable when you know you're not trans (nonbinary or otherwise). like huh there really is no way#out of the force fem panopticon that everyone pretends is normal and even feminist JSKDKDKDK#and especially with the recent 'internalised misogyny' discourse where you have to bootlick choice feminism JSKSKDK#(= trip over yourself validating people for conforming to gendered expectations and telling them its ok for women to be feminine etc shit)#i wish i could just dress the way i want and look the way i do and be a woman but everyone just decides to give me all of the privileges#and prioritisations that are societally afforded to straight cis men of an otherwise similar position to me in society#but that i'd still be a girl and people would refer to me as such jdkdld. just without the misogyny#also i hate makeup and 'feminine grooming' and rituals related to appearance/expectations of participating in those. and policing#what an acceptable female body looks like and medicalising anything out of the norm#(i've ranted abt this before but if i was born 20ish years earlier i would have been given GROWTH STUNTING PILLS. TO MAKE SURE I STAY SHORT#AND CAN STILL GET CISHET MARRIED TO A MAN. as you know women's main purpose is to look attractive to a husband. if youre tall youre an uggo#sorry this all makes me so mad dkkdkdkd#thank god i have more bodily autonomy than i would have had earlier but 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 things are still depressing in so many ways#i think i should just have been lesbian crown prince rudolf
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Ok I figured something out.
In order to let go of anger, you need to hold it first.
Meaning I fucked up by not allowing myself to be pissed off about my former friend group's bullshit and could not get over the issue for a long time until I finally allowed myself to sing along to the 'fuck you all of you' type of songs for a month, and I'm only now starting to let the feeling go.
You can't process your anger if you never admit that you were angry in the first place, you get trapped in what you refuse to acknowledge.
#like. the whole point of me and everything I've learned ever is that I don't get angry#it's unproductive and makes me impulsive and it's better to think rationally and understand why people do what they do#and then just accept that and plan your own actions based on that without feeling any way about it#but it's not always realistic to live without emotions and certain situations are going to cause stronger reactions#stronger emotions are harder to work through and calmness about whatever caused them takes time and work#and I've been trying to skip ahead straight to 'no I don't feel any way about this this is normal' when it is in fact not#and I should feel some way about it#and AFTER THAT work through the entire thing until I can have peace with it#assuming I should be unaffected by everything all the time is not a reasonable expectation
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#my shit#things I a german did not expect today: tatort? and it's gay?#i've only ever seen this show in south germany#watching it with 50 year olds#what happened#tatort saarbrücken#also the one time a street got closed down for filming in the north#however#saarbrücken is not a place i expected queerness from#you look away for a sec and bam more media acceptance?? i think???
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I keep thinking of how I want to taxonomize Siffrin and Loop bc it feels significant to me that Loop and Siffrin both have inherently diverged from the same Traveler Mold they came from. But because I am like a 7 year old I keep sagely nodding to myself going "ah yes... just like mega mewtwo"
#do u understand me. do u understand my vision#they're both siffrins they are just two pathways of how the same one guy develops through their experiences in timeloops#that are the same in basic structure but different in how they affected them#so like siffrin and loop are distinct people. but they're also just branches of preloops siffrin. much like mega mewtwo x and y are distinc#but they are also mewtwo#<-(said like this is somehow profound and not stupid)#liek do you guys get me... i think loop and siffrin are very much in sync#to the point where as seen in canon it's pretty easy for loop to divine what siffrin's thinking down to the phrasing#it's really striking how much loop talks and siffrin fullass does not reply but loop keeps on rollin just fine#but fundamentally they don't think the exact same way when it comes to bigger things#like how loop never fully accepts the idea of talking to the king as something reasonable to do#or how act 4 siffrin is in their own damn world while loop is left going. Stardust what the hell are you on (morose edition)#i think it's fun to find the gaps between them#i've always thought it would be fun. in a postcanon timeskip scenario#for loop to be. flatly worse at reading siffrin than they expect to be. because siffrin has been healing and trying to get better#while loop has been becoming steadily bitter as they tried and failed to cut the rope on their own attachments as some kind of last measure#of self defense against the pain of paving over their old relationship with the party with a new name new role new personality new stardust#to exist alongsides#likewise i think it's fun if siffrin overextends his new understanding of loop as being another self and the feeling of recognition for loo#is simultaneously comforting and Tremendously grating coming from Fucking Stardust#especially if siffrin just assumes shit wrong cuz for as much as hes the only guy who can relate 2 being trapped in a timeloop for months i#was not exactly the same now was it.#isat spoilers#Sorry this is a lot of thinking outloud on a post where i call loop and siffrin mega mewtwo x and y
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"Reverse misogyny" stories are not the progressive, feminist power move you think they are, especially not when you expect your readers to be happy and content with the status quo presented by your story. Biological essentialism and sexism are never going to be progressive even if you try to dress them up like they're feminist. They're just not.
#Rjalker reads The Books of the Raksura#Martha Wells#Martha Wells critical#and many other authors I assume#but Martha Wells is the only one I've read so far who's done this...#Reverse bigotry societies where we're supposed to just accept the bigotry as normal and fine and unchangeable...#instead of something that needs to be fought no matter its current presentation....is not feminist.#The Books of the Raksura#Raksura#Moon is presented as an outlier who should not be counted#the rest of the consorts --and arbora-- are perfectly happy with the way they're being oppressed.#if you think The Books of the Raksura is arguing against sexism or biological essentialism you don't understand what biological essentialis#is. And you don't know what feminism really is.#you should figure that out before trying to argue that the books of the Raksura ARE Super Feminist Actually™#Like IDK how to tell you this. Turning it from ''women are treated like property and expected to breed to be worth anything''#to ''men are treated like property and expected to breed to be worth anything''#and they're all happy with this situation and no one is protesting or unahappy with it because it's Biologically Natural™#IS NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM FEMINIST OR PROGRESSIVE#feminism#transfeminism#writing tips#writing advice#feminist writing tips#feminist writing
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>person writes a post about how being a fan of a female fictional character means also needing to be her defense attorney, and generally an expert at explaining all her nuances
>hmm yes, i agree, I too am frustrated by fandom misogyny, I shall reblog that
>I glance at their username
>it's calling a canonically bisexual female character a lesbian
(i don't know how many more times i can scroll past casual bi erasure, folks)
(i don't know how much more i have in me)
#squirrel speaks#i don't have high expectations. i really don't. at least i don't think i do.#but i'm pretty sure that denying a female character her canonical marginalized sexuality and projecting another one onto her#is also kind of a form of misogyny; isn't it.#i'm growing so tired of how when it's other queer people doing the erasing; it's generally just seen as normal and acceptable#which; ngl I think that just makes it worse#because it makes the benefit of a doubt; the potential for genuine and well-intetioned ignorance; fly straight out the window#if you're queer yourself; i refuse to believe that you just aren't capable of understanding that bi people exist#(and make up the majority of the community)#so then what's left then BUT conscious dismissal? what explanation is left BESIDES biphobia?#gergh. it's 1 am. i should just go to bed instead of working myself up over this#it's not like it's new; it just very much a “death by a thousand cuts” thing#i've just seen this exact thing enough times to make me want to set the building on fire a little bit; and this time; the irony....#it just tickled me so good (and by that i mean bad)
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I am so confused by this book (One-Eyed Jack by Elizabeth Bear)
It keeps jumping around in time and every character is referred to by epithets rather than actual names but not only that sometimes the same character (I think!) is referred to by different epithets and much of the time I cannot tell if this is referring to the same character or someone else
#also what the hell happened to this copy of this book#I've never seen such a relatively new book so mangled before#the seller described its condition as 'acceptable'#from which I expected like... the spine to be cracked or something#not the back cover to be literally screwed up and half hanging off#and deep cuts and gouges in the spine and the front cover#that go through several of the actual pages as well#did this get mauled by an actual bear or something
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you inspire me to have kissy friends i love that but im still fighting being awkward about intimacy 😭💔
for me i understand myself and the way i love p well, and being v simplistic about it the line between platonic and romantic isn't there for me if i think ur cute and cool, i am just getting to know n appreciate u as a person! fundamentally.. which ways our connection blossoms and our dynamics will come about naturally :3 i am p open though!! i am honest and love giving ppl compliments and positive feedback; there r a couple different ways i could go about being more affectionate and intimate with a friend.
one is when u just are getting to know someone as a friend, u can ask about their boundaries and let them know u r affectionate with friends!! if they are too then there u go ♡
the other is becoming closer and comfortable with someone and u feel something shift in ur relationship, and u can tell them u would like to be more affectionate and if they r okay with that ask what they are comfortable with :3
the fun one is recognizing a mutual brain break going on realtime 👁️👁️ if you're not brave enough to say anything in the moment u can always confess later and tell them ur having Thoughts about them and get a feel for how they feel abt you. you can offer them More and it doesn't have to change ur relationship with each other.
the common thread is being communicative and talking about boundaries, and if ur having a hard time w emotional intimacy i think a great place to start is being more open and honest ♡ wear ur heart on ur sleeve. even if u don't feel comfortable or brave enough to tell ur friends u love them, there's nothing stopping you from telling them Why u love them. i love complimenting ppl and thanking them and telling them i had fun, i tell them when they look cute and love their outfits and what i love specifically or I'll hype up ur jewelry or hair change etc; if I'm feeling sentimental about something between us i will tell u how i feel and make sure u know u are appreciated.
i don't give compliments or praise or sentiments expecting anything in return, I'm just communicating my thoughts yk? take it as is and do with it what u will kind of thing, i just like being open!! i am of the opinion that people could stand to hear how great they are more often (✿ ‚‚⌒‿⌒‚‚) I'd like 2 think everybody likes feeling Seen, appreciated, understood, praised.
it's a lovely conversation starter but sometimes u just find someone u rly click with and as a dynamic i think practicing openness and honesty with each other on the little things makes room for u to be comfortable communicating bigger more sentimental and intimate things later on if ur friendship is going like that ♡
and with the boy specifically it was a combination of things.. we already had a great friendship and we had gotten a lot closer and more comfortable with each other conversationally, but phew i hadn't seen him in a good couple months i think?? and over that time i became comfortable with myself and Very t4t, and i got a lot hotter too when i went from fem to stem and he hadn't seen me in my masc era yet lol. not in person at least
anyways his birthday was coming up and i wanted to offer him a chain like mine and to make him a collar, and i was gonna go bring him his chain after work as a gift ^.^ ♡ when we finally got to see each other again oh my god lol he was in a sleeveless top w his arms out and For Some Reason i was more attracted to him than i had ever been 💀 i was trying not to stare too hard bc the whole time internally i was like AAAAA HE'S HOT HELP AKSKSKAK, BUT ☝🏾😌 I've had enough mutual brain breaks going on to know when someone's rly feeling me and i could tell lol. i originally just meant to stop by Real Quick but i ended up staying and hanging out for the evening (｡ﾉω＼｡) i wasn't brave enough to say anything at first but i could not stop thinking about his shoulders and upper back and neck for like 2 days straight and i had to say Something.
being deliriously horny about him i was like GIRL OMFG DON'T DIE WONDERING TELL HIM SOMETHING and i sent him this 🙈
and he was glad i said something and was straightforward bc he was also having thoughts but wasn't sure if he could/should say anything ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ ♡ so we talked about boundaries and we're still friends like we were but we're affectionate with each other now too and it's a sweet way to deepen our friendship. we r exploring being sweet friends together 👩🏽🤝👩🏾 butch4butch t4t real...
i have a good idea of how i want to navigate polyamory but putting it into practice and loving my friends more intentionally, fundamentally and to the fullest w my current perspective is new for me! and being affectionate in general is new to him, so I'm happy that we can be vulnerable and brave about it together ♡ i can be a lil clumsy and he can be a lil awkward but i think we're very cute 😌🥰 he's a good boy (っ˘з(˘⌣˘ ) ♡
this ain't exactly a guide but it's a bit of what i got going on, take what u will from it (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ to be open with ur friends is a beautiful thing and i think things tend to develop naturally. i wish u the best of luck on ur quest w intimacy 🫶🏾
#v stoned rn so sry for rambling sm but i love love and could truly talk in sm other directions/depths abt it#so ty for the ask bc i am happy to talk and think about The Boy ♡ and yeah i hope this is at least a little helpful in some way#i have sm different thoughts and feelings about this man.. the way I've had a secret crush on him multiple times (｡ﾉω＼｡)#he's very charming and considerate and is wonderful company#i think I've cooled off enough though and i rly enjoy what we have going on rn ^.^#i like having friends I'm like this with more than the idea of dating someone. esp after 11 yrs of monogamy#like the relationships themselves were great and there's 2 specifically when i say 11yrs bc i was w these ppl for 5 and 6 yrs respectively#but they were also socially isolating and suffocating and unsatisfying in different ways ૮ – ﻌ–ა i think what I'm doing is more fun#and fulfilling for me :3 i don't like having to live up to the Idea of a partner esp in a social/community way esp when the community is#cishet ppl and they push gender expectations on u but like.. in a gender dysphoria inducing way. obv depends on the fam#but it's just a lot less pressure and a different dynamic and it feels a lot more genuine and intimate in that I'm sm more#comfortable being open w my friends‚ and since the foundation is me loving them fundamentally i feel like#people who come to love me in these kinds of friendships like really love me for me yk? like i am sm more than just the role#i can fulfill for u and i feel like i can really be all that and be seen and be appreciated w my friends more bc the pressure's not#there interpersonally or socially. we just talk‚ we hang out‚ we're vulnerable with each other‚ we accept each other‚ luv each other for#who we are. no one's expectations are on us and we don't have expectations of each other. just some sort of sweet relationship that#can always be taken in whatever direction we want as long as we're on the same page w each other ૮ ᴖﻌᴖა
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they should've changed the side chigiri's hair was braided on when he joined manshine
#i've not the most football knowleve but since he usually played on the right i would have accepted his hair only being up on the left side#because that's what he needs to see. but on manshine he's on the left now and now his hair is covering his peripheral vision.#but also i should not expect this from bllk character designs..#masayapping
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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pop stars aren't born in the 70s anymore like they used to be. These days they're born in a year uncomfortably close to my own which makes me clutch my chest and cry out
#music#musicians#Nia Archives was on radio the other day going 'my album's the first jungle album to be nominated for the Mercury Prize in over 25 years#that's such an honour! The last one was Roni Size and I wasn't even born then' --hang on a minute#that album was like. 1997. 'I wasn't even born yet'?#Folks she is a year older than me 😭(❤️ but also personally 😒)#Cat Burns' Mercury shortlisted album is called 'early twenties'. It is a term I am told I can no longer use for myself.#She says 'the album was a 4-year long process. I started writing it when I was 20.' Cat Burns is my age.#CMAT. Dublin's 'global superstar'. 1997. Literally she's such a classic popstar/country star I'd have expected to read like '1987' or somet#not in terms of saying she's old or anything; just that that seems appropriate for someone who's in control of their career#CMAT is like 2 years older than I am. It's so wild to me#especially this time! There have been a lot of debut albums you see#and I'm really proud of all these--I suppose at my age I'm allowed to say--kids; my peers? But it's also so strange to see#My peers are at the Mercuries. Declan McKenna is like a year older than me#That has been in my head ever since Brazil came out. He was 15. I was 14.#sigh it's a long road to either acceptance or such radical change that I 'catch up' with everyone; whatever that means#yes I'm well aware that comparison isn't a thing to do. I know it's not productive.#I try not to let it get me anxious; afterall what do I do about it?#It's not like I've got the ball rolling on anything significant to speak of. I'm just at ordinary work#idk also the industry I work in doesn't exist anymore hahahaaaa so yeah. No career. Only far away admirations! :)#We will have no infrastructure and we will be happy.#Don't read all this; just laugh at the meme about age and move on#growing up
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I think I've been touchy lately about my feelings of access to/participation in generativity. I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately by how much needs doing and how much disparate but necessary information I'm keeping in my head. I should probably get back into my thought maps for the work on the yard and house, because I think that will make it easier for me to empty my head when I'm not actively trying to work on something.
#i'm feeling a sinking recognition that i need to build a life for myself that's functional#even if it means accepting norms that i have been trying to cight for a long time in my relationships#boundaries are weird and hard and i've never been particularly good at them#but if the comversations i have with my clients are anything to go by#i have a solid understanding of how to identify and communicate them#i just don't seem to have the will to stand by my decision when push comes to shove#so people around me carry on doing what they've always done#and going all shocked pikachu face when i finally collect myself enough to remind them exactly how i feel about their behavior#oh i have no idea you felt like this!!!#why are you so angry and snappish all the time?????#i just don't have any idea what else you expect from me i already spend all my time thinking about what i expect you to expect of me?#what do you mean that's not the same thing as actually having open lines of communication with me and treating me like awhole fuckin person#i work so hard not to take my frustration out on anyone#to be kind and calm and clear when I talk#to love the things about them that i love and enjoy the time with them that i enjoy without feeling compelled to seek disappointment#asking for more or different just won't happen so what's the point of looking to feel hurt#and i do have a lot of different areas of my life that fulfill different needs of mine#so i understand that i'm lucky and should really probably accept that i am much less alone than I often feel#i just wish i had someone in my life who was both willing and able to see all of me with affection#or at least. someone who was willing and able to take on that role and who I am willing and able to trust with the role#therapy helps#my new therapist is nice and seems open and understanding#but i understand our relationship probably better than most patients given the circumstances#i know how important it is that she never be more than a facilitator of space in my life#she seems good at doing that and i appreciate having the space again#i don't really know what i want anymore but i know i'm tired of feeling unwelcome in my wholeness of self
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