#it's the way I had almost this exact same conversation with my parents

[deeplovelydark]

Deep Space Nine, Inquisition s06e18

[7s3ven]

ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER, pt 1. neteyam x fem! metkayina! r

IN WHICH… Y/N and Neteyam’s walls suddenly come crashing down one night after a heart to heart conversation.

( requested )

Notes: mentions of sex (not written out, though), throwing up (morning/pregnancy sickness), small panic attack, a little angst, fluff ending, neteyam + reader are like 19 ig, teen pregnancy?

—

Neteyam was thankful for the Metkayina allowing his family into their home but he missed his own. He missed the trees and the forest and his friends. The forest was all he had known. He was supposed to be the next clan leader, it was a job he had been preparing for since his birth. But it was all ripped away from him when he and his family were forced to leave. Now, he had nothing. No status, no promises of greatness, and almost no friends. Lo’ak didn’t count because he had to see his idiotic brother every day.

The night was quiet and cool as Neteyam slowly stepped over Lo’ak, who was sound asleep on the floor of the hut. Neteyam rolled his eyes at his brother, who was always sleeping in odd places.

He had been sneaking out regularly, trying to get away from his crushing responsibilities. Neteyam always sat in the same spot on the beach yet when he arrived, he found it was already taken. He recognised the Metkayina girl as Y/N, Tsireya and Aonung’s older sister and the future Tsahik. Kiri was better friends with her than Neteyam was. Nevertheless, he slowly walked up behind her.

“Out here all alone?” He questioned, crouching down. Their shoulders brushed as Y/N turned her head to glance at him. Her narrowed eyes softened at the sight of him.

“Oh, it is only you.” She murmured.

“Sorry. Did I startle you?”

Neteyam heard Y/N quietly laugh. “A little. What are you doing out so late?” She tilted her head, looking up at Neteyam. He sat down, shrugging.

“No reason.” He replied, “I just needed some peace and quiet.”

Y/N nodded in understanding. “I am doing the same. As mean as it might sound, I had to get away from my family for a little bit. Aonung’s snores are always so loud too.”

A small smirk crept across Neteyam’s lips. “You should hear Lo’ak. Sometimes, he’s snores so loud that it wakes my dad up.”

“How is your family settling in, Neteyam?” Y/N inquired, leaning back to stare up at the starry sky. Neteyam held back a sigh.

“We are trying our best.” He uttered, “But it is not easy. We are used to trees… not sand and water.”

Y/N hummed. “Do you miss the forest?” She mentally scolded herself for asking such a question. Of course he did. He would not be talking about it if he did not.

“Yes. And as much as I try to enjoy all this, I will always prefer the forest.” Neteyam abruptly shook his head to rid himself of such thoughts. “But I cannot complain. We are lucky to be here.”

Y/N looked Neteyam up and down, observing his body language. Slowly, she reached out a hand, placing it on Neteyam’s. “You can complain to me.” She gently told him. “I will not judge. I will only listen.”

It seemed Neteyam had been waiting for this exact words. He launched into describing his home with a smile on his face. He told Y/N of the banshees, the mountains, and the trees that stretched across the land for endless miles. It all sounded very foreign yet fascinating to Y/N.

“My parents would not want me to complain. Lo’ak, Kiri, and Tuk are allowed to miss the forest but not me.” Neteyam fidgeting with his fingers, a constant reminder that he would never be viewed as true Na’vi.

“Do they expect you to be perfect?” Y/N spoke up, her voice a soft whisper over the sound of the waves crashing against the sandy shore. Silently, Neteyam nodded.

“I am the golden child. I should not be saying such nonsense… but I miss my old life. Here, I get in trouble for every little thing Lo’ak does. I know as the oldest sibling, it is my job to look out for them, but it is growing tiresome.” Neteyam looked at Y/N, who was listening intensively, “Do you ever feel that way… about your siblings?”

“Yes. Aonung is always getting into mischief and I am given the job of picking up his slack. I am the future Tsahik yet with all the scolding I receive from my parents because of Aonung, it makes me feel like a failure.” Y/N aimlessly picked at the small shells nestled in the grains of sand as she spoke. “I love Tsireya and Aonung… but I cannot always be there to protect them. And that scares me.”

Neteyam nodded. He was closer now, barely an inch away from Y/N. She would have pushed him away if he was any other boy. But it was Neteyam, sweet Neteyam who was trying his best to gain his father’s approval and protect his family. She made no move to shove him.

“I feel that something terrible is approaching… and I am scared that I can no longer shield my siblings.” Y/N kept speaking as Neteyam drew soft circles in the palm of her hand to comfort her.

“I understand.” He muttered, locking gazes with Y/N. They held eye contact and for the first time in years, Y/N felt truly seen.

The feeling of finally being understood without judgement clouded Y/N’s mind as her back hit the soft sand and she returned Neteyam’s kiss.

The days after their sudden incident were a jumbled blur. Y/N had been feeling moody as of lately and it all made sense when she threw up the food she had eaten just minutes ago. Y/N shook as she wrapped her arms around herself in disbelief.

She was frozen in fear, barely able to register that Tsireya was calling out her name. “Y/N! I’ve been looking for you. Would you like to swim with Aonung and I and the Sully kids?” Tsireya brightly beamed, having no idea of the panic plaguing Y/N’s thoughts.

“I am alright, Tsireya. Thank you for offering. I do not feel good.” Y/N willed Tsireya to disappear so that she could figure out her situation.

“Oh… of course. I will tell Neteyam you cannot make it. I hope you feel better soon, sister.”

The mention of Neteyam’s name almost made Y/N spin around and throw up again. It was partly his fault she had gotten into this mess. Why did he have to be so kind and understanding?

Y/N quietly groaned in frustration as Tsireya walked away. She lay on her back, staring up at the brightly lit sky. Her thoughts weren’t giving her a break to think clearly. Obviously, she could not confide in her parents. She would not be surprised if they threatened to throw her out. Tsireya could not keep a secret for long and Aonung… well, Y/N would never willingly tell him. He would use every chance he got to remind her.

And Y/N dreaded telling Neteyam. He was already having a hard time fitting in, he did not need the trouble of this either. If word of this spread, his family would be outcasted even more than they were already.

She aimlessly wandered the beach, thinking to herself. The pressure of gaining her parents’ approval was becoming all too much.

As expected, Neteyam and Y/N avoided each other. Neteyam thought it was best to leave her alone and give her space to think, which was something he desperately needed as well.

Y/N was feeding her ilu when Tsireya and Aonung approached her. “Sister.” The latter uttered, folding his arms over his chest, “We need to talk.”

Y/N merely sent him a confused glance. “About what?” She questioned.

“Why are you avoiding us?” Tsireya got straight to the point. She huffed. “You never want to swim with us… and you are hardly around. You do not even eat with us. Why?”

Y/N looked away, petting her ilu. “I am busy.” She lied through her teeth. “Mother is encouraging me to oversee the affairs of the village and it is more tiresome than I expected.”

Tsireya faltered, suddenly feeling bad for accusing her older sister. Aonung, on the other hand, was not so easily fooled. He had always been annoyingly good at reading people. But neither of Y/N’s siblings asked any more questions. They simply accepted her answer and left her to tend to her ilu.

A few quiet minutes passed before the wood beneath Y/N creaked. She looked over her shoulder, almost jumping at the sight of Neteyam.

“Sorry.” He muttered. “Just came to check up on my ilu. She’s been more hungry lately.” He sent her a sheepish smile, hurrying over to the creature. Y/N tried not to pay him any attention as she kicked her legs in the water, the cool droplets splashing against her body.

“So… how are you?” Neteyam spoke up. There was an awkward pause. It took Y/N a moment to register his words.

“I am good.” She responded. Neteyam took her short answer as an attempt to ice him out, which he did not blame her for. In reality, though, Y/N was trying to stop herself from exposing her secret. She knew if she kept talking to Neteyam, then his sweet voice would coerce her into revealing everything.

“Right… I’ll see you later, I guess.” Neteyam walked off, rubbing the back of his neck. Y/N tried not to show her hurt at how quickly he left, seeming like he wanted nothing to do with her.

Her ilu nudged its head against Y/N’s thigh, cooing. Y/N sighed as she pet it once more. “What am I going to do?” She murmured. Time was running out and she still had no idea what she was going to do.

She clasped her hands over her belly, sighing as she lowered her head. She rarely ate with her family now, doing everything she could to avoid them. Her siblings and even her parents were bound to become more suspicious; Tsireya was already questioning it and Aonung did not believe any of her lies.

Y/N was a strong girl, both physically and mentally, but she could not handle this. Having to keep such a large secret from her parents and her siblings, whom were her world, and Neteyam was eating at her.

Her attempts to distance the eldest Sully boy from her were becoming harder but the secret could not be revealed. She knew Neteyam would ultimately talk. It was up to her to ensure his family would not be isolated any further.

Y/N’s heartbeat spiked and despite her underwater training, she could not slow it. She placed a hand over her chest, gasping for air. “Shit.” She murmured out a word she had heard Neteyam say, which only sent her further into a spiral.

It was becoming increasingly harder to clear her mind and she suddenly felt uncomfortable in her own skin. Her thoughts exploded into a flurry of negativity.

Her father would be so disappointed in her careless behaviour. And her mother… Y/N almost threw up at the mere thought of Ronal’s look. She would be livid that her perfect daughter, her daughter who consistently kept Aonung out of trouble, her daughter who was the future Tsahik, had engaged in such acts with a forest boy.

She clawed at her skin, trying to rid herself of such thoughts that caused more harm than good. Y/N leaned forward to comfort herself but she ended up diving right into the water purely by mistake. She thought of just staying under the glistening water. It brought her comfort. There was no one talking to her while she was on the verge of a breakdown. It was peaceful.

A hand suddenly grabbed onto her forearm, heaving her up. Y/N spat out a mouthful of water, coughing in surprise. “Aonung!” She exclaimed, slapping her brother’s shoulder. Though, it probably did not hurt him as much as she wanted it to. Aonung was a few months younger than Y/N but had much more muscles.

“Why are you lying in the water?” Aonung questioned as he pulled her back onto the dock. “It is not like you to be so distant. What is the matter?”

To others, particularly the Sully boys, Aonung was mean and a bully and an outright nuisance to be around. But to Y/N, he was sweet. He was Y/N’s sweet little brother who used to come crying to her when he scraped his knee.

“It is none of your concern. I am fine. I am simply stressed.” Y/N reassured him. Unfortunately, her soft words did not have the impact they had on Tsireya.

Aonung narrowed his eyes like he always did when he could tell Y/N was lying. “You are not telling the truth. You can tell me. I will not tell mother or father or even Tsireya. It will be our little secret.”

Y/N stared at her brother then at her shaking hands which had not stopped trembling since she found out she was pregnant. “I am with a child.” She suddenly blurted out.”

Aonung was silent. He opened his mouth to say something but the pair heard a gasp behind them. Y/N quickly looked behind her, partly relieved that it was only Tsireya. She had been holding a bowl of fruits, which were now rolling around in the floor.

“I am sorry.” She immediately apologised, covering her mouth with her hands. “I did not mean to eavesdrop. I just wanted to bring you some fruit so you would feel better.” She quickly crouched down to pick everything up. “Is it true… are you really?”

Tsireya sat on the other side of Y/N. Aonung swiftly reached over, grasping a piece of fruit despite Y/N’s look. She had always told him not to eat anything from the floor.

“Yes.” She hesitated.

“Damn, who knocked you up?” Aonung carelessly asked. Tsireya clicked his tongue, her long tail slapping him.

“Do not, Aonung.” She warned. “We will not tell anyone, Y/N. Do not pressure yourself into telling us the dad. We will let you take your time.”

“It’s Neteyam.” Y/N blurted out. She could not contain it anymore. Beside her, she heard Aonung choke. Y/N promptly slapped his back.

“Neteyam?!” Aonung exclaimed but Tsireya and Y/N both hushed him. “Mother and Father will not be happy.”

Y/N sent him a glare, “I am aware.” She muttered.

“Wait, this is good. This will top anything else I do. Father will be like, ‘Aonung, why did you slap Lo’ak?’ And then I’ll just reply with ‘well, remember when Y/N got pregnant?’” Aonung faced his sisters only to be met with their unimpressed faces.

“Aonung, take this seriously.” Tsireya hissed, resting her hands on Y/N’s shoulders. “Whatever you do, Y/N, we will be here to support you.”

Neteyam was not doing any better. The last few days had felt like a constant test on his patience. His father was always ordering him around and Lo’ak was getting on his nerve.

The last straw was when Jake had decided to scold Neteyam for Lo’ak’s actions. Neteyam had returned from the docks, still wondering as to why Y/N was suddenly acting so cold. He tried to forget that night, to move past it, but it was easier said than done. Y/N seemed to be everywhere Neteyam was.

The oldest Sully boy walked into their hut, exhausted and fully prepared to collapse. However, when he saw Jake standing in front of Lo’ak, his father’s arms crossed sternly over his chest, Neteyam almost groaned. Neytiri and Kiri were inside as well, exchanging worried glances. Tuk was nowhere to be seen, most likely playing with her newfound friends.

“Neteyam.” Jake said. Neteyam dragged himself to stand beside Lo’ak, his back straightening.

“Yes, sir?” Neteyam murmured, wanting to get this over and done with so he could tend to his own thoughts.

“Your brother got into another fight today.” Jake uttered. “Where were you? You’re supposed to keep an eye on him.”

“I was busy, sir.”

“Why weren’t you with your brother? Sully’s have to stick together.“

Neteyam, who had been trying to hold down his bubbling anger, suddenly snapped. “I wasn’t with my brother because it’s not my job to keep him in check.” It was the first time Neteyam had ever talked back. His ears flattened down, an action he didn’t usually do but had started doing because of Y/N. “What Lo’ak does with his spare time should be none of my concern. It is not my fault he fights every day.”

“Yeah, but you’re the older brother. It’s your responsibility to look out for him.” Jake poked Neteyam’s chest, causing everything to come crashing down. Neteyam, who had been trying so hard to hide his fury at how unfairly he was being treated, broke.

“It is none of my responsibility! I can’t be everywhere with Lo’ak, babysitting him! You forced me away from my home, from the forest in which I grow up in. I know nothing here! I am simply too busy trying to fit in to watch over Lo’ak! He is not the only one who needs comfort. I am still a teenager! Have you ever asked how I feel?!” Neteyam didn’t waste a heartbeat in spinning around, storming off. His swishing tail hit a bowl, causing it to fall. It did not break but Neteyam wouldn’t have cared anyway.

Neteyam left his parents and his siblings in shock at his outburst. He always took the blame for Lo’ak, what had changed?

Kiri quickly followed after Neteyam. Lo’ak, with a small nod from Jake, followed.

“Ma Jake,” Neytiri reached out for her mate, “What is wrong with Neteyam? He has been acting strange lately.” Jake held her hand, staring at the spot where Neteyam had been standing moments ago.

Jake wasn’t stupid. He saw how Neteyam’s gaze always found its way to stare at the Chief’s oldest daughter. He had been 16 once upon a time; it did not take long for Jake to form a suspicion.

“Neteyam!” Kiri grabbed her brother’s wrist, forcing him to turn around. “What is the matter with you? You have been acting so moody lately.” She pouted.

“Nothing!” Neteyam harshly insisted. “I am not acting moody.” Lo’ak caught up with his older brother but remained silent, knowing Neteyam’s anger was a result of his recklessness.

“My idiot brother, why must you be so stubborn?” Kiri groaned, “You are like Y/N sometimes, so hardheaded and annoyingly independent.”

Her name set Neteyam’s face alight. A dark blush spread across his cheeks. “She is the problem.” He finally admitted. “Y/N is.”

“Did she reject you or something?” Lo’ak voiced, arching an eyebrow.

Neteyam wished she did. This situation would have been much easier. “No… Y/N and I, we…” Neteyam trailed off, suddenly embarrassed.

Kiri got the hint. She slapped his shoulder. “You did not!” She hissed. “She is the Chief’s daughter!” Lo’ak stood beside Kiri, ever so clueless.

“What? What did they do? He didn’t even finish his sentence. You guys are acting like they”- Lo’ak paused, “Oh. I get it now.”

“It was an impulsive decision.” Neteyam uttered as he resumed walking.

“One that will get you killed.” Kiri added. “You are lucky she is not betrothed yet. Have you talked to her?”

“Briefly. She does not wish to speak to me.” Neteyam was met with another slap from Kiri.

“Idiot! She must be lonely. You must speak to her so that you can resolve this!”

Neteyam groaned, walking faster in hopes his siblings would leave him alone. “She avoids me.” He said to Kiri. “I told you, she doesn’t want to see me.”

“Then try harder to talk to her! Y/N is as stubborn as you. Do you not see the pattern?!” Kiri yanked Neteyam back, “You must tell Father and Mother.”

Neteyam scoffed. “I have caused enough trouble already. I will do no such thing.”

“You are foolish. If Tonowari and Ronal find out, Father will be able to calm them. If you do not tell, then at least speak to Y/N.”

Neteyam exasperatedly sighed. “Fine. I will talk to her. Happy?” He wandered off, leaving Kiri and Lo’ak behind. He knew where to find Y/N. During her spare time, she was always at the docks, playing with her ilu or swimming.

“Do you not ever move from this spot?” Neteyam spoke as he halted behind Y/N, who was sitting where he suspected. He saw her back tense up.

“No. I have moved. To eat. I came back.” Y/N was careful with her responses. One stumble and she’d end up spilling everything.

“Kiri says I should talk to you.” Neteyam muttered as he sat beside her, dipping his feet into the water. Y/N turned to face him, staring with wide eyes.

“You told Kiri?”

“And Lo’ak.” Neteyam’s reply did not ease her panic. “But I suspect you told Tsireya and Aonung.”

Y/N nodded. “I cannot hide anything from them for long.” In truth, Y/N had returned to the docks to mentally prepare herself for telling her mother. She could hide the sudden pregnancy but her body could not. It would start to show.

“How are you feeling?” Neteyam questioned.

“Stupid.”

Neteyam lowly chuckled, staring down at his hands. “Kiri is advising me to tell Mother and Father. But I do not want to do it without your permission.” Y/N almost melted at how sweet and considerate Neteyam was.

“I do not mind.” She muttered, “As long as they do not spread the word.” It was not Neteyam who would get the harsher punishment anyway. As the daughter of the clan leaders, Y/N had a standard to uphold. She had failed after managing to balance it for so long.

After a much needed talk, Neteyam and Y/N parted ways. The latter slowly walked into the medical hut where she found her mother grinding leaves. “Mother.” Y/N said, hands clasped in front of her. Ronal hummed, too busy with her task at hand. “I have something rather important to tell you.”

“What is it, child? Could it not wait until after dinner?”

“I am pregnant.” Y/N quickly said, half heartedly hoping she had spoken too fast for her mother to understand her. Ronal paused. The leaves she had been holding previously fluttered the floor.

“You are pregnant… by who?” Ronal was trying to keep calm.

Y/N hesitated for a moment, her head lowered. “Neteyam.” She whispered.

Ronal hissed in anger. “You allowed this?! When he is not your mate?!”

“I did not mean to, mother.” Y/N insisted, stepping forward.

Ronal thought for a second. “We must find you a mate.” She announced after what felt like an hour.

“But what about Neteyam?” Y/N frowned, “He is the father! Does he not deserve to know?”

“He is not Metkayina.” Ronal almost sneered, “If word of this gets out, it will create a scandal. Your father and I will find you a suitable mate.” Her mother turned to walk away but Y/N desperately grabbed onto her arm.

“No… please… mother, do not make me do this! I want him to be the father! I do not want any other idiotic boy!”

Ronal softly caressed Y/N’s face as small tears dripped down her cheeks. She finally allowed herself to cry after holding everything in. “I am sorry, my child, but it is for the best.”

Y/N abruptly straightened her back. “No.” She firmly refused, surprising Ronal. “I have been the perfect daughter for you and Father. Do I not receive a reward in return?”

“You have a baby without a mate. I could hardly call that a reward.”

“Why will you not allow me to decide? You say it is for the best but do you really want to live the rest of your life knowing I am miserable? Will you put me through that just to keep your reputation? Is your reputation among the clan more important than your own daughter’s happiness?!” Y/N had not inherited Tsireya’s gentleness nor Aonung’s ego. She had inherited her mother’s temper.

“Listen to me, child, they will leave sooner or later. They will not stay here, no matter how much Neteyam will claim he loves you.”

“Then I will pay the price. Let me do this, mother. I have already suffered enough. I cannot do it again.”

Ronal narrowed her eyes. “Come.” She beckoned her daughter out of the hut. Y/N did not ask where Ronal was leading her; she simply followed behind.

Ronal’s sudden appearance in the Sully Family’s hut caused them to quiet down. Neteyam shared a look with Y/N, confused.

“It seems my daughter has found herself… involved with your eldest son.” Ronal spoke, sending Y/N a subtle glare. Y/N chewed the inside of her cheek. “This is not the Metkayina way but unfortunately, she is pregnant.”

Chaos broke out. Jake spat out a mouthful of water while Neytiri coughed to hide the fact that she had almost choked in shock. Lo’ak muffled his loud laughs as a look of horror crossed Neteyam’s face. Kiri quietly clicked her tongue, staring at her eldest brother.

“For some unknown reason, my daughter wishes for Neteyam to be the father. I will allow this if your son proves to me that he will be able to provide for Y/N. She is the future Tsahik and I will allow only the best for her. That is all.” Ronal walked away, expecting Y/N to follow.

“You knocked up the Chief’s daughter?” Jake said as soon as the two Metkayina women were gone. Lo’ak could finally freely laugh while Neteyam shoved him.

“Shut up.” He muttered, standing to run after Y/N.

[siskissbee]

It's really funny finally getting into siscon/fauxcest with my sister-girlfriend because it really feels like the missing puzzle piece and like we were always meant to be sisters.

We look extremely similar and are very frequently mistaken for being sisters while out together. I have at least once been mistaken for her and on two separate occasions, old friends of my mom's who haven't seen me since I was a kid, pre-transition, have met her and wholeheartedly believed she was me. I also took a cute photo of her recently sitting next to one of my blood-siblings doing the same pose and it's kinda shocking to me that she almost looks more related to my siblings than I do.

I also have basically been living with her and her family for the last two years as part of their family. My gf moved back in with her parents and younger sibling during covid, before we were together, and since we don't have our own place yet I've basically soft-moved in and her family just treats me as one of their own. My gf and I have basically the exact same humor and so I basically hit it off perfectly with her family day-one and just fell into their dynamic and conversations as if I had always been there.

My girlfriend and I are basically just a single unit at this point, outside of work we are attached at the hip at practically all times and our families and friends have kinda just accepted this as the way we work. We almost never do anything apart. It's like we share the same brain cell and constantly have the same thoughts and reactions and emotions at the same time. We constantly will go to make the exact same joke or reference at the same time, even in conversations just the two of us, or someone will ask us a question and we will have the exact same reply delivered with the same timing and cadence. It's honestly kinda freaky lol.

It really feels like we're already as close and identical as two people could be without being blood-related so it feels just so natural and perfect and right to call her my sister. I just wish there were some way to actually make us truly blood sisters and we could've grown up together.

Has anybody else had a similar experience?

[dilemmaontwolegs]

The Perfect Life || CL16 {3}

Summary: Charles is beginning to see the cracks in your facade and it only leads to more questions than answers in his quest to get to know you. Warnings: angst, swearing, sarcasm, abusive parents, flashback to Jules WC: 2.1k

One || Two || Three || Four

Ten Years Ago The nurses greeted you by name as you walked into the ICU ward with a book in your hands and your school backpack slung over one shoulder. For the last six months you had visited your friend twice a week and learned the names of all the staff while you sat at his side. 

“I have the new, unreleased, Jack Reacher,” you said as you took your seat between the bed and the window. The only other sounds in the room were the quiet whoosh of the ventilator and the rhythmic beat of the heart monitor. “Father knows the Editor at Bantam Press.”

You dumped your bag on the floor and opened the novel. The action thriller wasn’t something you would choose yourself but Jules had liked the series so you read it aloud. The neurologists seemed to think it could help him and the psychiatrists seemed to think it could help you.

“Moving a guy as big as Keever wasn’t easy,” you began the story. Time slipped away as you turned each page and you were so engrossed in the words that you didn’t notice your phone vibrating in your bag. You were late to your piano lesson, but more importantly someone else was arriving for his weekly visit.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Charles snapped as he breezed into the room and crossed his arms. 

“Same as you, visiting,” you murmured as you packed your bag up, leaving the novel on the table that had a vase of fresh flowers. You touched Jules’ hand with a silent farewell and kept your eyes low as you made your escape. 

You were almost to the door when an arm blocked your way. “Don’t come back again,” Charles growled. 

Your fists clenched at your sides as you dared to lift your head and meet his glare. “He is my friend too.”

Charles rolled his eyes. “You’re just a stupid little girl. He avoids you because he finds you annoying.”

“You don’t know what you are talking about.”

“I know he wouldn’t want you here.”

You swallowed the lump in your throat and nodded because he was probably right. That was the last time you visited Jules, and the first time you truly hated Charles. 

“That was harsh,” Lorenzo stated as you passed by on your way out of the room. 

Charles waited for the door to close before he asked his eldest brother, “Were they friends?”

Lorenzo chewed his lip and shrugged. “They weren’t friends,” he admitted and Charles turned his back with a scoff as he made his way to Jules, missing the quiet confession tacked on to the end, “They were closer than that.” 

You had been so furious when you left the hospital that you smashed your fist into a wall in the car park where your driver was waiting. 

“Phew, that’s quite the punch you pack, little lady,” a stranger had chuckled between the drags he took on his cigarette. “With a bit of training you could do some serious damage.”

You looked at the blood running over your knuckles but you were numb to the pain. “I like damage,” you commented quietly. “Do you know any trainers?”

Present Day Charles drove along the scenic coastal road towards Saint Tropez rather than the faster highways. He lowered the windows and donned a pair of sunglasses as the breeze whipped his dark hair back. Everything about his ostentatious image screamed old money until he smiled and it was too carefree. Old money didn’t show such emotion, your mother said it was uncouth to feel anything except superiority. Those weren’t her exact words but it was the gist of the conversation.

“You frown too much,” he commented as he handed you his phone. 

“I hardly have anything to smile about.”

“For starters, we escaped that - whatever that was, because it certainly wasn’t charitable. And now you are in control of the music. I think that is enough for a little smile.”

You tossed his phone back on his lap and turned your attention back to the waves breaking against the rocks. “I don’t listen to music.”

“Everyone listens to music.” 

He fiddled with the stereo and the slow melodic beginning to Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata filled the car. Each note sent echoes of pain shooting through your fingertips and you closed your hands as they began to shake. Your knuckles throbbed with the memory of sitting before your mother and reciting the classical greats you had been made to learn. You were constantly showcased to her friends, placed on a pedestal to flaunt skills that had no real purpose other than to illustrate the other families' mediocrities.

Until you made a mistake. 

You flinched as the allegretto movement began and your hands snapped close to your chest as you felt the piano lid come slamming down on them again. It was like falling in a dream and startling as you woke up. Charles was watching carefully as you found yourself back in the leather seat and not the velvet bench.

“Turn it off.”

He hit a button on his steering wheel and silence descended in the small space. “Want to talk about it?”

“No.” 

Charles thankfully let it go and concentrated on driving to Monaco. You didn’t even bother to argue with him when he passed around the outskirts of Nice without stopping, you had found a small distraction by making shapes out of the clouds. It was only when he slowed to drive through the signature winding street that passed the casino that you looked down at your chiffon gown and frowned. “I am overdressed, even for this place.”

“You can wear something of mine.”

“No thanks,” you said, quickly shutting down the offer with a shake of your head. You grabbed your phone from your clutch and sent a quick message to Arthur. “I have some spare clothes at your brother’s place, we can just pick them up.”

Charles’ brow lifted. “Why?”

“Because I don’t want to stay in this dress all afternoon?”

“No, why do you have clothes at Arthur’s?”

“For when I stay there, obviously. Do you think I stay in a hotel here?” You rolled your eyes. “No, wait, you probably thought ‘Daddy bought me a penthouse’.”

He had the good sense to look guilty but it also confirmed your suspicion. 

You knew the small city almost as well as Nice and found your bearings as he made his way to Arthur’s apartment complex. It wasn’t far from Charles’ but you had never been there, Arthur had just pointed it out on one of the many outings into the city. 

“You have a key too?” Charles asked as you unlocked Arthur’s door instead of knocking.

“You’re starting to sound a little jealous now.” The door swung open and Arthur waved as you shot past the sofa he was relaxing on and ducked into his bedroom to change into a pair of leggings and one of his old Prema shirts.

“Who’s jealous?” he asked as you flopped down beside him and used his thighs as a pillow. 

You draped a hand over your forehead and sighed dramatically. “Your brother is madly in love with me, but he can’t get over how close we are, Tur. There may be a duel at dawn, ready your pistols and kiss your mother in case it is the last time.”

“You really need a nap don’t you,” Arthur teased. His fingers carefully plucked the bobby pins from your hair and Charles watched on silently as the haunted look that had been in your eyes the entire ride faded away. “Dare I ask why you are here? You didn’t kidnap her did you?”

“I’d probably be floating facedown in the riviera if I tried that,” Charles replied with an indignant snort. “She voluntarily got into my car.”

“Ah, that’s progress, I suppose.”

“It was the lesser of two evils,” you corrected as you closed your eyes. The late night was beginning to catch up with you and a yawn cracked your jaw before a soft blanket fell over you. “Mm, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” 

Your brain hadn’t realised Arthur’s hands were still busy and the voice came from the blanket box where Charles had stood. Rather than question the goodwill, it was easier to pretend he hadn’t been nice because it was starting to really confuse you. 

“Did your genius brother tell you his plan?” you asked as you shifted around until you were comfy and looked up at your best friend. 

“He may have mentioned it on the drive home last night,” Arthur said. “Honestly, it was all he talked about.”

“Was not.”

“Was too.” Arthur turned his attention back to you. “Are you actually considering it?”

You barked a laugh that was a big enough ‘no’ but followed it up with, “Absolutely not. It wouldn’t even work anyway.”

“Why not?” Charles asked, taking a seat in the armchair opposite.

“No offence, but what do you bring to the table? Outside of F1 your name doesn’t mean anything.”

Growing up in Monaco where one in three people were millionaires, Charles wasn’t blind to reality, he knew first hand how elitist the ‘old money’ families were. “So why marry Jules?” 

You heard the pain that one question held and sighed as you sat up, woefully abandoning the idea of sleep. Charles didn’t like how the question made him sound petulant, or that he was somehow a better choice than Jules was - he didn’t think that at all, he just couldn’t understand why the plan wouldn’t work.

“It wasn’t about Jules. You forget that while he raced under the French flag the Bianchi’s came from Milan. The Italian market is one Father wants to break into.” You got up and went to the kitchen, pouring yourself a glass of Prosecco from the fridge. It was a little flat after being open a few days and you swirled the drink around, watching the bubbles rise to the surface. “Father’s five year plan was for Jules to win a championship with Ferrari, cementing the name back into Italian households, and then train his new son-in-law to join the family business.” 

The silence was heavy but Charles eventually recovered from staring out the window deep in thought. “Did Jules know this?”

“He knew enough.”

“What does that even mean?”

“He knew he was important enough to blackmail my father, kind of ballsy if you ask me, but it worked. Jules threatened to quit racing if he revoked the funding for your driving academy.” You drank down the Prosecco in a few unladylike gulps before refilling it as the bitterness in your belly grew. “Must have been nice to have someone fight all your battles.”

“I’m trying to help you now, but you’re being stubborn,” Charles said as he crossed the room and took the bottle away. “I don’t understand why.”

“You don’t understand? Maybe it’s because you treated me like shit for years and I can’t trust you.”

“I thought Jules didn’t like you, I figured it had to be for a good reason.”

“No, you figured you could judge me without even trying to get to know me. That’s pretty fucking shitty, but you know what? I’ve come to expect it from everyone. The only person that’s ever treated me like a fucking human being is sitting right there.”

Charles followed the angry point of your finger to his brother and sighed. “I can’t change the past, okay, but I am trying to make up for it now. Please, just let me help you, it’s the least I can do - for you and for Jules. It’s just a job.”

You crossed your arms and tipped your chin back to look him in the eyes. “What makes you think I would even protect you? I could let you get mobbed and point them in the right direction.”

Charles smiled and you realised you were no longer impervious to the fact he was quite handsome but it was his words that shocked you more. “Because I believe you’re better than that.”

“That might be your biggest mistake.”

Charles held his hand out. “We will have to test it and see. Deal?”

You looked at Arthur and so much hope filled his face it was impossible to stomach the idea of watching it fall away. So, you shook Charles’ hand and swore you heard Jules’ laugh in the seagulls' cries. Yeah, he would probably be laughing, he always laughed when you made a mistake. 

“There’s no use crying, lapinette, might as well laugh and learn,” Jules would say.

You only wondered just how bad this latest lesson in the school of hard-knocks would be.

Part Four.

[thewertsearch]

@relaxxattack asked: hi, maxx the troll romance guy again. ₊ ⊹ ☆ it’s finally my moment for me to bust out my big quadrant talk! as in, i had the time to sit down and write this. (and apologies in advance for subjecting you to this much nerdiness. hopefully, it’s at least somewhat illuminating, to make up for that). i’m not sure what your current opinions on troll romance are, but i wanted to discuss the idea that kismesissitude is inherently unhealthy / impossible to achieve by teenaged trolls. lots of people who read homestuck get very stuck on the idea that kismesissitude is a feeling of hatred. they run with their human assumptions of this word, imagining that a kismesissitude is an angry, horrible relationship of abuse and hurt. but, if you’ll bear with me, it’s actually shown throughout the comic that this is completely untrue. trolls do not use the word hate the same way that we do. in fact, this is pretty obvious, because they also continuously use the word “pity” in a completely different way than we do. each of these are actually more related to a completely different word: LOVE.

you can see, in this initial conversation surrounding quadrants, that trolls consider hate and pity to actually come from the same exact place (though they consider that a negative thing). you can also see in that conversation that you need a good mix of both for any of the quadrants to work. karkat calls vriska out on supposedly “hating people too much” in a way that would “make her a bad kismesis”. this tells us almost immediately off the bat that A. even other trolls consider vriska and tavros’s relationship unbalanced and unhealthy! and B. each quadrant needs a proper mix of emotions for a proper relationship. a lot of people assume that kismeses are “supposed” to kill each other, mainly because of the fate of jack noir and the queen. this, too, is a misunderstanding. jack noir and the queen, like mom and dad who they are explicitly paralleling, are meant to be regarded as tragic. both couples end in tragedy, as expected for almost every “parental figure” in homestuck; this is unrelated to their kismesissitude.

in fact, in this conversation eridan has with kanaya, it is stated that a kismesissitude that ends in deaths is an extremely rare, powerfully tragic romance that happens “once in ten thousand years”– and immediately after, it is stated that a kismesissitude that might become like this needs an auspistice. that’s right, trolls are so committed to healthy kismesissitudes that they have an entire system in place to stop them from becoming toxic. the vriska/kanaya/tavros auspisticism, while a failure on every conceivable level, was born out of the necessity that the other trolls considered vriska’s torment of tavros unhealthy. even among her fellow trolls, in a society that explicitly encouraged casteiesm and ableism, vriska’s treatment of tavros was still considered too toxic for a proper kismesissitude.

vriska and eridan, who were in a kismesissitude before vriska became bored of eridan, were allies in their roleplaying games. much like the ancestors they were emulating, (who even supposedly “cherished” their own black relationship!); they explicitly traded and shared their rewards and goods with each other because of their romantic relationship with each other, and were said to work together in flarp well enough to be feared by others. of course, they also competed with each other to be the best– because they are rivals– but rivalry does not constitute toxticity. they called each other “allies” and “competitors”. not enemies. though perhaps being enemies would be an interesting kismesis slowburn; in the end, two kismesis should not kill each other. they are on the same team. how could they not be, when trolls believe in one troll who is literally destined to be their perfect rival, a life partner who they must have a long-term relationship with in order to properly meet the alternian drone rules? killing each other makes no feasible sense.

as vriska and eridan talk about here, a rivalry between trolls is something fun for both of them. that is why they must hate each other “equally”-- they need to feel on equal footing, so that they can both have fun. that’s what a rivalry is for trolls. it’s fun! (fun fact: another definition of the word "rival" is "an equal"). (eridan’s pitch solicitation towards sollux is absolutely laughable in comparison. he throws meaningless, casteist insults, and sollux does not give a single fuck about him. as other trolls mention; this is very obviously fake. they are clearly not feeling anything mutual or respectful for each other. he merely is trying to goad feferi into an ashen retaliation with his shitty pitch advances, and it’s not even working.) and that brings me finally to john and karkat. i remember seeing confusion on this blog about the nature of karkat’s feelings– 'why is he helping john? doesn’t he ‘hate’ him? he must not REALLY feel pitch romance for him, and he’s just confused.' well you see, that’s the thing. the reason karkat’s first message to john was a love poem is because that is what kismesissitude is. it was karkat’s way of saying; “you’re special to me. i would like to bug you to see if you feel the same way.” it’s not as if strangely romantic healthy rivalries between teenagers are even an unheard of or new concept. they’re fairly common in television shows and anime; hell there’s even multiple tvtropes pages for them! it’s not impossible that two people in a story could have a healthy rivalry fun enough that they both end up missing it should it be gone. (looking at you, perry and doof.) it’s even more likely that teenagers, as vibrant and strange as their many emotions can be, could pull this off. of course, they make lots of mistakes. they’re young teenagers raised on the murder ableism planet. of course most of the shit they try to do is unhealthy. they make just as many earth-like mistakes with their hearts as they do with their spades. that doesn’t mean it’s impossible for them, or bad for them to try. especially since pairs like vriska and eridan seem to have even pulled it off! basically, what i’m saying is, they’re like sasuke and naruto (reference). let teenagers have hatecrushes! it’s cuter than you think! :P [if it isn’t obvious, this is all super lighthearted and silly. unfortunately it’s my brand to be the guy who’s REALLY passionate about troll romance. i sincerely hope this wasn’t too hard to read, and i’m really sorry about submitting such a long thing, but i couldn’t manage to cut it down any further 😭 have a great rest of your night/day!]

(Images added by me - partially for illustrative purposes, and partially because Tumblr tends to complain when a single block-quote is that large.)

Love love love this detailed breakdown. It outlines a blackrom framework which is a lot more nuanced than the infodump's original description of kismesissitude. There's a lot of really interesting stuff here, and I've actually been working on this response for the past week, while AFKing on my Minecraft server.

As you can imagine, I agree with many of the points raised here, and disagree with others. I think the best approach is to go through the essay point-by-point, and break down my thoughts.

lots of people who read homestuck get very stuck on the idea that kismesissitude is a feeling of hatred[...], imagining that a kismesissitude is an angry, horrible relationship of abuse and hurt. [...] it’s actually shown throughout the comic that this is completely untrue. trolls do not use the word hate the same way that we do. [...]

This one I just fully agree with. The Alternian concept of 'hate' isn't equivalent to ours, and they'll often use it in ways that are completely incompatible with our definition.

When Karkat 'fell in hate' with John, his actual antagonism was very obviously performative. As you mentioned above, several parts of his original rant wouldn't look out of place in a love confession.

Karkat doesn't just message John out of temporal obligation. There's a clear sense, even in their early conversations, that he's enjoying their interactions on some level. If his feelings here really are black romance - and there's no textual evidence that they're not - then this alone is enough to prove kismesissitude isn't true human hatred.

The trolls also use 'hate' in the human sense, too, which muddies the waters a little. It's even highlighted as a problem in-comic, with trolls having to disambiguate their hatred in conversation in much the same way humans disambiguate between platonic and romantic love.

they also continuously use the word “pity” in a completely different way than we do. each of these are actually more related to a completely different word: LOVE. you can see, in this initial conversation surrounding quadrants, that trolls consider hate and pity to actually come from the same exact place (though they consider that a negative thing).

As for pity, I'm still not entirely sure what it means to trolls. Unlike hate, it's only been brought up once, by Karkat.

His 'hate and pity' dichotomy isn't referenced anywhere else in the comic, and it's unclear whether he's describing an accepted fact of life, a sociological theory, or a trope from his beloved romcoms. I don't really have enough data to speculate.

you can also see in that conversation that you need a good mix of both for any of the quadrants to work. karkat calls vriska out on supposedly “hating people too much” in a way that would “make her a bad kismesis”. this tells us almost immediately off the bat that [...] each quadrant needs a proper mix of emotions for a proper relationship.

I believe your assertion here is that each quadrant requires both hate and pity. While definitely an interesting theory, I wasn't able to find canonical evidence that a healthy redrom requires hatred, or that a healthy blackrom requires pity.

I meant what I said, though - it is a compelling theory. If we do read troll 'hatred' as a type of friendly rivalry, then maybe it is important in redrom, serving as the 'spark' that keeps things fresh. Furthermore, if we read 'pity' as something bordering on affection, then it probably is necessary for a healthy blackrom.

I really like the space you're playing in, here. There is something to this idea, and I'd love for Karkat to elaborate on it.

[...] even other trolls consider vriska and tavros’s relationship unbalanced and unhealthy!

Text it! If the full Vriska/Tavros mess was public knowledge, basically everyone would consider Vriska's behavior beyond atrocious, blackrom or no blackrom. I'm not even sure if Eridan would be OK with it - and Gamzee, of course, is currently excluded from this discussion.

If the Veil's trolls are a representative sample of Alternian culture, then Vriska's 'blackrom' with Tavros is just as abusive there as it would have been on Earth. Even Alternia has limits.

a lot of people assume that kismeses are “supposed” to kill each other, mainly because of the fate of jack noir and the queen. this, too, is a misunderstanding. jack noir and the queen, like mom and dad who they are explicitly paralleling, are meant to be regarded as tragic. both couples end in tragedy, as expected for almost every “parental figure” in homestuck; this is unrelated to their kismesissitude. in fact, in this conversation eridan has with kanaya, it is stated that a kismesissitude that ends in deaths is an extremely rare, powerfully tragic romance that happens “once in ten thousand years”

This tracks, as well. If blackrom was allowed to end with murder, then there'd be a lot less soldiers being ferried off the planet every year. Alternian children are a resource to the Empire, and more murder-couples means less murder-platoons.

Vriska does think it would be acceptable for her to murder Tavros, but she frames it as a consequence of classism, not blackrom. This would be much more acceptable to the Empire, as a blueblood like Vriska is destined to be a high-ranking officer. She's not killing a partner, here - she's punishing insubordination.

– and immediately after, it is stated that a kismesissitude that might become like this needs an auspistice. that’s right, trolls are so committed to healthy kismesissitudes that they have an entire system in place to stop them from becoming toxic. the vriska/kanaya/tavros auspisticism, while a failure on every conceivable level, was born out of the necessity that the other trolls considered vriska’s torment of tavros unhealthy. even among her fellow trolls, in a society that explicitly encouraged casteiesm and ableism, vriska’s treatment of tavros was still considered too toxic for a proper kismesissitude.

I won't second-guess the utility of auspisticism in situations like this. It makes perfect sense that the role exists, and it certainly does an important job.

However, once again, I really don't understand the monogamy aspect. Helping a loved one escape a toxic or abusive relationship should not be a one-person job, and enforcing that requirement serves to sabotage what could have been a much more effective social role.

Like - imagine that, upon becoming VrisTav's auspistice, Kanaya's first action was to call for backup. If she was allowed to introduce additional auspistices to the situation, such as Aradia or Terezi, then Vriska wouldn't have been able to continue tormenting Tavros as soon as Kanaya turned her back. It takes a village, guys!

vriska and eridan, who were in a kismesissitude before vriska became bored of eridan, were allies in their roleplaying games. much like the ancestors they were emulating, (who even supposedly “cherished” their own black relationship!); they explicitly traded and shared their rewards and goods with each other because of their romantic relationship with each other, and were said to work together in flarp well enough to be feared by others. of course, they also competed with each other to be the best– because they are rivals– but rivalry does not constitute toxticity. they called each other “allies” and “competitors”. not enemies. [...] as vriska and eridan talk about here, a rivalry between trolls is something fun for both of them. that is why they must hate each other “equally”-- they need to feel on equal footing, so that they can both have fun. that’s what a rivalry is for trolls. it’s fun!

Eridan/Vriska is a relationship I wish we'd seen on-panel, because this one is really hard to picture. Eridan's personality doesn't feel at all compatible with Vriska's, and I don't understand what she saw in him.

Vriska is one of the smartest, most resourceful, most dangerous trolls around, and there was apparently a time she thought of Eridan as a rival. As an equal. All he really has to offer is an overpowered weapon, and Vriska's already got one of those.

Sure, she got bored later, but unless Eridan has some extremely hidden depths, she should have been bored from day one. How did their rivalry even work?

I think the problem here is that we haven't seen any non-toxic kismesissitudes. Vriska/Tavros is a nightmare, Equius/Aradia was mind control, Eridan/Vriska happened offscreen, and John/Karkat never happened at all. It's difficult to extrapolate what a non-awful kismesissitude might look like, when we've only seen the worst the quadrant has to offer. Actually seeing Vriska's spades with Eridan, instead of having it described second-hand, might help to clear this up, but that seems fairly unlikely at this point.

This, at least, is a problem that might solve itself. We've still got a lot of comic to go, and the passion its fandom has for the quadrants makes it clear that they're not going anywhere. I don't think I'll be able to pass my final judgement on kismesissitude until we've seen one that actually works. I really like the idea of a romance centered around friendly rivalry - I just wish the comic would show me one!

and that brings me finally to john and karkat. i remember seeing confusion on this blog about the nature of karkat’s feelings– 'why is he helping john? doesn’t he ‘hate’ him? he must not REALLY feel pitch romance for him, and he’s just confused.' well you see, that’s the thing. the reason karkat’s first message to john was a love poem is because that is what kismesissitude is. it was karkat’s way of saying; “you’re special to me. i would like to bug you to see if you feel the same way.” it’s not as if strangely romantic healthy rivalries between teenagers are even an unheard of or new concept. they’re fairly common in television shows and anime; hell there’s even multiple tvtropes pages for them! it’s not impossible that two people in a story could have a healthy rivalry fun enough that they both end up missing it should it be gone. (looking at you, perry and doof.)

Like, this sounds cool! You're describing a really fun version of kismesissitude, here - one which brings to mind Wright and Edgeworth, Sonic and Shadow, and a dozen other popular couples.

This interpretation would be less dangerous for teenagers - it certainly worked for Lumity - and again, I just hope we eventually see something like this on-panel!

[neechees]

Also I had a feeling it was them, but there's this serial scammer that's been operating & scamming on tumblr since at least 2016, and it's now basically confirmed that blktransdyke/raisedeyebrowemojii was being run by this scammer. This is also why their scam blogs operate for a number of years & we don't generally use the "new blog asking for money" red flag for this scammer, because they literally have been running multiple scam accounts for YEARS.

BTD/REM was being run by the now-deleted scammer roboticwheelchair, who was called out for running a scam raffle in 2020. On that blog they also claimed to be trans, claimed to be in a wheelchair, claimed to be disabled, and allegedly needed fundraising, and on twitter they used the exact same trans flag icon for a pfp as blktransdyke's alternate account where they pretended to be a trans man instead. Roboticwheelchair also used the name "Falum Gibson" for their paypal, and lo and behold, they used it again where they were impersonating an Afro-Palestinian.

and they usually ALWAYS include these details in their scams

That they are trans and/or otherwise not cishet

Often will say that they are homeless or in danger of being homeless

Often will say they are being "kicked out" by an abusive, homophobic/transphobic parent (sometimes will include a screenshot of a very rehearsed alleges conversation between themselves & the alleges parent, where the screenshot very conveniently captures the exact moment the parent says something close to the effect of "your existence is a sin against God, you are not my child, and this is why I'm kicking you out", and it all very conveniently fits on this one screenshot)

Other times they will say they are in danger of being homeless because of bills

Often will also claim to be depressed and/or disabled (either autistic, and/or will give a really long list of alleged disabilities. Its not that being multiply disabled is necessarily rare, but the amount this person gives is either just autistic, or a long list of things)

Sometimes will say that they are caring for a young child, and then that child will "die"

Almost always offers the payment options of paypal/venmo/cashapp/ko-fi/a gofundme if American, or if claiming to be Canadian, will offer paypal/ko-fi/a knockoff of those, but weirdly never gives an etransfer (indicating they're not Canadian)

Claiming to be a Black, disabled, Lesbian is a favorite story of theirs for a scamsona. They do not shy away from racefaking.

This person has been doing this for YEARS, and has raised literal thousands of dollars, and no way in hell needs that money.

[wordsarelife]

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐢𝐯𝐞: 𝐢 𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐯𝐲, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐢'𝐦 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐲

pairing: theo nott x fem!reader

summary: theo and you seem to be a pretty good match, until things go out of control

warnings: underage drinking, cursing, trauma (bad relationship with parents), sexual references, depression, fighting, mention of death

note: this is absolutely the most gut wrenching chapter so far! get ready lmao!! and for the people still wondering who leo is: you will find out in this chapter!!

previous part | masterlist | next part

theo walked you both through a forest, taking weird paths that he claimed to be shortcuts. you giggled anytime he almost fell over a branch and he laughed deeply and almost lovingly as you stumbled against him a few times, because it was already dark.

at the party he walked you around, introducing you to foreign people and it made you heart flutter, that he did not introduce you with your name alone.

"curtis" he said when a blonde and tall boy entered his field of vision "this is my friend, y/n"

"hi, theo's friend y/n" curtis greeted and you smiled up at his tall figure.

"is your band playing tonight?" you asked and curtis nodded proudly.

"i'm the keyboarder" he explained "you will love it, i promise"

you normally hated boys with too big of an ego (maybe because of theo), but curtis was actually lovely and seemed like he meant it in a nice way. he reminded you of enzo and you instantely liked him.

"get your lady something to drink, theo" curtis patted the dark haired boys shoulder before he turned back to you "zero manners, huh?"

you giggled and curtis promised to come back and talk to you after the gig. theo walked you to a small table filled to the brim with different kinds of alcohol.

"what do you want?" he asked and you raised your brows as your eyes glided along the table.

you would rather not drink any alcohol, but there was nothing without it. also, you didn't want to explain why, so you just pointed to the bottle of sparkling wine and watched how theo filled a glass for you.

he took a bottle of beer for himself and walked you back into the crowd so you could listen to curtis and his band.

you had to admit that they were really good, but (and you did not say that to theo or curtis when he came to talk to you later) nothing in comparison to cursed legacy.

you sipped your sparkling wine as theo walked you around the party and talked so some of his friends. there were a few you found pretty funny, boys that reminded you of blaise and draco, as they were dancing weirdly across the dance floor.

and curtis' girlfriend was like a carbon copy of april. she joined you as you watched the boys and couldn't hold your laughter at their ridiculous dancing.

"friends like that keep your soul young" lily had said as she sat down next to you. "i'm lily" she added as she noticed your surprised expression "curtis’ girlfriend"

"y/n" you smiled "theo told half the people here to call me pixie, but don't listen to him, he's an idiot. and i know, i have the exact same friends on the other side of the town"

"so a few meters from here?" lily joked and you joined in on her laughter.

"something like that"

"are you theo's girlfriend?" she followed your eyes that were watching him as he was talking to curtis and another boy you hadn't been introducted to yet.

"no" you shook your head. theo turned his head and smiled at you, before he waved for you to come and join the conversation.

"they way he looks at you tells a different story" said lily as she followed you through the crowd.

you shook your head laughing. lily stepped next to curtis, who threw an arm around her body and you stepped next to theo, who, to your surprise, did the same.

later, theo and you started walking back home. you had said goodbye to the people you had met tonight, while theo had to promise both curtis and lily that he would bring you around more often. lily was so drunk that she almost cried as you told her that you were leaving, which made you like her even more.

you loved people that didn't get aggressive or angry when they got drunk, but rather emotional or funny.

"are you sure this is the right way?" you mumbled as you followed theo through the forest, your hand in his as he took paths that looked like they were not supposed to be walked on.

"trust me, baby" theo laughed and the nickname made your heart flutter. you were glad that he couldn't see your face.

to your surprise you came out of the forest right in front of your houses. the moon was shining down on the street, making it easier to see his beautiful face.

"so much music tonight and we didn't even dance"

"you're right" you smiled "what do we do now?"

"i have something on here" theo said as he took out his phone. "it's a song that was supposed to be on the album, but i scrapped last minute"

"oh" you said surprised "what is it about?"

"you"

you laughed unsurely "so pixie dream girl or daddy issues part two?"

"no" theo said quickly as he shook his head "it's not like that, it's not mean"

"why did you scrap it?"

"because leo was helping me to decide which songs were good enough for an album and i didn't want him to see this one"

you smiled up at him, before you finally nodded. "play it"

he set down the phone and pressed play, before he took your hand in his, one hand on your hip. the song was soft and gentle and you could hear the guitar and dracos keyboard.

"how did you record the guitar if leo didn't know about it?" you wondered.

"i played it myself" theo shrugged and you smiled as you heard his voice. "i wrote the song when you started hanging out with cormac and we stopped spending as much time"

i know a place it's somewhere i go when i need to remember your face we get married in our heads something to do while we try to recall how we met

he twirled you around on the street, moving you away and then back close to his chest again.

the bridge was definitely your favorite part of the song, as you softly hummed along.

there was something 'bout you that now i can't remember it's the same damn thing that made my heart surrender and i miss you on a train, i miss you in the morning i never know what to think about

you didn't want him to know, but you cried a bit. the song was so incredibly beautiful that it made your head hurt. right before the song was over, theo started singing along, supporting the theo from months ago.

about you about you do you think i have forgotten about you? (don't let go)

he hugged you close to his body while you both swayed to the last few tunes of the song.

"that's how you felt? all while i was still there?" you asked him once he had pushed the phone into the back pocket of his trousers.

"it felt like you were worlds away" theo muttered "you were so obsessed with cormac that all i could do was write a song about how you were slipping away"

"i was sixteen and in love" you argued.

"i know" theo smiled "i was too"

you looked up at him in surprise and a bit of hope in your eyes. "and what about now?" you asked

"now i'm seventeen" he shrugged.

"and in love?" you asked carefully.

"deeply" his hands wandered to hold your hip, as you stepped closer to his body. your hands went to his neck. he drew you closer and slowly connected your lips. his lips were soft and warm and they felt like home in a place that hadn't felt like a home in a long time.

he brushed some of your hair out of your face as he deepened the kiss, softly pushing his tongue through your lips. you smiled at that.

as you broke the kiss, he softly leaned his forehead against yours.

"do you want to come inside?" you asked as you pointed to your house.

theo smiled as he nodded. you took your key out of your bag and opened the door. to your surprise, you could hear someone move through the house.

it was well past midnight, so you shrieked in surprise when your mum turned on the light. she screamed at the same time as you did.

you wondered what she was doing up here. normally she wouldn't come out of bed or up here in general. she would spend most days in bed, curled up under leo's bedsheets.

"y/n!" she screamed and you noticed the tears on her cheeks.

"mum" you muttered as you looked back at theo, who was still standing in the entryway, unsure what to do.

"where have you been?" she screamed. "you're soaked!" theo's and your eyes went down your body simultaneously. you were completely dry.

"i'm not, mum" you shook your head "maybe you should go back to bed" you tried to grab her arm but she moved away from your hold.

"i told you not to go out in the rain"

"mum, i didn't, really"

"where have you been all night?" she screamed and winced. "i have been sick with worry! you've been gone for hours, y/n!"

"mum, i-"

"i don't want to hear another word!" she grabbed your hand and pulled you closer. "leo, sweetheart is that you?" she only seemed to notice theo, now that you were not standing in front of him anymore.

you and him exchanged a look. "no, mum" you softly said "that is theo" you turned your head back at him "maybe you should better go"

he nodded at your suggestion.

"leo, sweetheart" your mum called as she saw him moving. theo froze. "where are you going?" you held her in place as she tried to move closer to him.

"go, home, theo" you said "i'll call you"

"where's leo?" the calm in her voice was suddenly gone and she was screaming again. theo turned around alarmed.

"go, i'll call you" you repeated. "you shouldn't have called him" your mother screamed "why did you call him?" she sank down on the ground sobbing and screaming as she held her arms close to her chest. you sat down beside her.

you looked up and saw the sad look on theo's face. "please, go, theo"

he left and closed the front door behind him.

your mother calmed down quickly and you were able to bring her back down to bed. she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow and you watched her for a few minutes as you wiped your cheeks to get rid of your tears.

you shared the color of her eyes and hair, the way she used to walk down the street and the sound of laughter, that you hadn't heard since that night a year ago.

you kissed her head softly, before you got up and left the room. "goodnight, mum" you mumbled before you closed the door.

then you walked up to your room. the curtain of your window was open and you saw theo sitting at his window on the other side. you saw him scribble something down on his blog, before he pressed it against the window.

is she always like this?

you shrugged, before you took your own blog and wrote an answer.

not always, but sometimes she freaks out and thinks it's that night again

what is she doing normally? it's the first time i saw her in a year

you weren't sure what to answer. you didn't want to lie to him, but the truth embarassed you.

she stays here

she doesn't leave the house?

no

you could see the same look of pity in theo's eyes as you always saw in april's. she was the only one who really knew how bad your mother had gotten.

i'm sorry you had to see that, you wrote

theo shook his head, he held his hand against the window, as if to touch yours, i'm here

you held your hand against the glass too, as you smiled at his gesture. i know

you sat there for longer than you should have, only going to bed as soon as you couldn't keep your eyes open and were almost falling asleep on the desk.

✦•〰〰〰〰〰★🎸☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★〰〰〰〰〰〰•✦

sunday was warm and thick and theo came to pick you up. all of you, the rest of the guys and april, went to the lake behind the garage to go swimming.

the sun was relentless but you were so happy that you did not mind.

april and enzo had arrived hand in hand, kissing each other all over their faces, before they announced that they were finally dating. you were more than just happy for them and exchanged conspiritorial looks with theo as they mentioned how they had spend their night.

none of your friends knew about your and theo's adventure from the night before, or the times you had spent in each others embrace. you were glad that they had stopped asking questions about the way you acted after the last time.

you hadn't been sure if you would have been able to lie, but your friends kept their mouths shut, silently smiling and fully accepting the new normal.

theo had send you the demo of about you and you had spent any free minute listening to it. this was your song, the song that was truly about you and you couldn't love it more.

and for now, everything that had happened between you just belonged to the two of you.

theo walked into the garage to get a few more beers as he ran into mattheo, who came back from the toilet.

"hey, mate" he patted theo's shoulder, as the latter bend down to open the fridge.

mattheo's eyes wandered to the window that overlooked the lake. blaise and draco were standing on top of the tree that was hanging over the water, while they tried not to fall down. april and you were loudly laughing as you tried to throw each other into the water. enzo came up behind the two of you and helped to throw april inside, before he pushed you in after her. mattheo watched as your head came back up and you began laughing.

"you have to tell her" mattheo mumbled "the concert is in a few days"

"i know" theo muttered, before he took a big sip from his beer. "but she's so happy" his heart fluttered as he watched you run across the grass as draco and blaise were chasing you.

"all the more reason to tell her" mattheo nodded "maybe she doesn't mind"

"i don't know" theo shrugged "i still lied to her"

"not if you just tell her" theo nodded at his friend before he left the room. mattheo bend down to get a beer for himself, as his eyes returned back to the glass. you were in the lake again and you face lit up as your eyes fell on theo.

you held your hand in his direction, before you dragged him in to the water. mattheo could hear you giggle, followed by theo's warm laughter as he held you close to his body and dipped you down in the lake. "so, that's how it is?" mattheo mumbled smiling as he watched the two of you.

✦•〰〰〰〰〰★🎸☆⋆｡𖦹°‧★〰〰〰〰〰〰•✦

monday came fast and so did the bad weather. it had been raining since the morning and you couldn't be more glad that april and theo both had their own cars so no one had to walk.

"good morning, baby" theo greeted as soon as you sat down in his car. he turned in your direction expectingly, moving his lips. you giggled before you kissed him and he leaned back with a satisfied grin.

on your way to school you picked up draco and blaise who were talking about a switch in the atmosphere. you and theo listened to their blabbering as you exchanged looks with each other.

"this was disgusting" mattheo said as he climbed from the backseat of april's car. she had driven him and enzo to school with her. "two people in love and i have nowhere to escape"

"yeah" draco nodded "i kind of feel the same" blaise and him exchanged confused gazes, not quite realizing what they were talking about just yet.

"should we head to english?" you asked before one of them was able to further think about it.

"sure" april took your arm as she dragged enzo behind her. theo stayed close to you, but did not hold your hand.

mrs walker was on time today and she even smiled as she noticed the friendly conversation you and theo were having. "war is over, huh?" she smiled and you softly nodded.

it was the first time in months that you did not mind theo sitting so close to you. you needed his warmth, as if his and your body were magnets of opposite sides, always pulling each other close.

during class, theo was drawing hearts on your hand with his finger and you wondered when you had forgotten how soft love was.

love was back, because theo was and you had missed him terribly, even before there was that wall of fault between the two of you. you had thought that there was no way to fix what had been broken, but maybe you had been wrong.

theo had felt the same, as he had told you. and he understood you, understood the way you could not have a relationship with your father, the way you felt sad anytime your eyes fell on your mother and why you had taken down every photo of your brother and put them in a box under the bed.

"i take them out when i want to remember" you had told him "when i'm ready to feel him"

"do you think you will be able to hang them up again?" theo had asked.

"i don't know" it broke a piece of your heart that you weren't able to really tell "maybe there will just always be something broken inside of me"

"and your parents?" he had pushed a strand of hair behind your ear "are they broken too?"

"more than me" you had said "that's why i can only be broken at certain times"

theo squeezed your hand before he had to take it away to write something down. you smiled at him, before you started writing too.

suddenly your phone buzzed in the back pocket out your trousers. there were only fifteen minutes of class left, but maybe it was important, so you took it out without mrs walker noticing and opened the message that had been send from an unknown number.

hey, peanut it read and you heart stopped beating. it's dad. how are you? dave called me to tell me about the record deal for leo's band, i heard they're making great music. theo messaged me too, is he your boyfriend? he told me that you needed to talk. call me!! xoxo dad

you stared down at the message and your whole body froze. dave fraser was the guy that was eventually giving the guys the record deal? you knew it had to have been leo who contacted him. and theo had messaged your dad? a thousand questions were running through your mind, but before you got a chance to answer them, another message came in.

i'm sure everything will work out with the deal. dave is obsessed with the guys and pixie dream girl! he told me i should come and listen to them play on saturday. will you be there too? didn't theo used to call you pixie? kinda funny!

yeah, you thought, funny.

"y/n?" mrs walker called "do you know the answer to number five?"

"what?" you muttered as you looked up from the phone in your hand.

"i asked if you knew the answer to number five" mrs walker repeated, but her eyes grew wider as she noticed the tears in your eyes "are you alright?"

you shook your head before you grabbed your bag and pushed your blog inside. "can i please leave?"

"ehh" mrs walker seemed to be caught off-guard before she finally nodded. you grabbed your things and ran out of the room under the confused eyes of your friends.

"excuse me" you could hear a voice call and quickly, steps were following after you. it was theo and you just quickened your pace.

"y/n!" he called. "are you alright?" there were another few pairs of feet running over the floor.

"you can't just all leave class" you could hear mrs walker say.

"it's important" april said.

"we will write an extra essay" enzo promised and you could hear both mattheo and draco groan.

"are you nuts?" blaise said loudly, before he was scolded by mrs walker.

you walked down the steps, theo behind you and behind him april, enzo, mattheo, draco and blaise.

"where are you going?" theo asked, but you ignored him. he followed you outside into the rain, where he finally caught up with you, holding your arm so you had to freeze in your step.

the rest of your friends waited under the little roof before the doors.

"what has gotten into you?" he asked.

"what has gotten into me?" you repeated laughing "what the fuck is wrong with you, huh?"

"what are you talking about?" you both were already soaked.

"you're playing pixie dream girl on saturday?" you asked.

before he could stop himself, theo had already answered "how do you know?"

mattheo hid his face in his hands and enzo groaned audibly.

"so it's true then?" you asked "and i bet all of you knew" you looked behind theo and into the guilt-ridden faces of your friends.

"we wanted to tell you-i mean i wanted to, really"

"yeah, you did? were you waiting for the right moment? taking bets when would be the funniest time?"

"no, you don't understand"

"oh, i think i do" you shook your head as you cried "you're still punishing me for everything that happened a year ago"

"what? no, i'm not" theo almost pleaded for you to believe him.

"did he tell you everything?" you turned to the other boys "how's your next song about me called, huh? y/n's psycho mother?"

"y/n, we don't know what you're talking about" mattheo said.

"oh you don't? well, let me clear things up as long i have the chance to do so myself" you clenched your hands together, you were already shaking from the harsh cold of the rain "what did you miss? my mother has gone completely off the rails since my brother died, my dad and i haven't spoken in a year and i think i have a lot of issues too"

you could hear april cry and the rest of the boys also looked like they were absolutely distraught.

"theo was a great friend" you said bitterly "while i went to him crying, he wrote a song that he knew would hurt me and he still put it on the album. and after i told him i how i felt about it, he claimed it was supposed to help me, while he aired out my dirty laundry to everyone in this fucking town"

"daddy issues" draco muttered under his breath.

"damn right" you pointed in his direction.

"daddy issues is about y/n?" enzo asked and he looked as betrayed as you felt.

"y-yeah" theo muttered "but i did not mean to hurt her"

"that's funny, theo" you laughed sarcastically "did you also not mean to hurt me when you messaged my father?"

"you did what?" april asked angrily and was ready to step next to you, but enzo held her back before she could walk in the rain.

"i know you don't want to talk to him, but i thought-"

"thought you knew my life better than i do?" you asked angrily "the night of leo's death, my dad spent hours screaming at me. my brother had just died and he stood in front of me while he told me how everything was my fault. he was the one telling me that he didn't want to see me again" you raised your arms "but who am i to complain about that, right? at least he's paying his child support, more than he has to actually, or mum and i would live on the street now. because she doesn't leave leo's fucking bed" you screamed in the direction of your friends "she never gets up" you added.

april sobbed and you noticed that all of the others had tears in their eyes as well.

"she's a mess" you muttered "but even she thinks it's my fault. you remember theo? that night in my house, when she thought you were leo? do you know how it feels to come home and she turns on the light and there's a flicker of hope in her eyes, because just for a short second she thinks i'm her dead son? and when she notices that it's me, just me, she just goes back to bed"

"we didn't know" blaise said softly.

"because i didn't want anyone to know" you said "but theo is running around telling people whatever he feels like and all of this will probably be featured on your second album anyway, so fuck it, right?"

"i'm so sorry" theo cried and you couldn't tell what was rain and what were tears on his face.

"sorry isn't cutting it this time, theo" your voice was a lot calmer now "you asked if i will be able to hang leo's pictures up again and the most honest answer i can give you is that i don't know if i could bare to look at his face while knowing that i killed him"

"you didn't kill him" theo argued.

"it doesn't matter to me how you see all of this, theo" you shook your head "just leave me alone, okay? but this time for real. i don't want to see you and i don't want to speak to you" you paused, before you added "because the real reason why we aren't friends anymore is that after everything that happened, you didn't even have the decency to come to leo's funeral. he was your friend, your best friend"

you send one last look in the direction of your friends, before you started to walk away.

theo called your name and you turned your head, but mattheo held him in place. you nodded at him, thankfully. april looked between enzo and theo, before she shook her head and ran after you.

she put her arm around you and let you cry into her shoulder as you both walked through the rain. away from your friends and away from theo, who you swore in that moment, had broken your heart for the last time.

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[songmingisthighs]

Wanbelyn

introduction pt. i | pt. ii | pt. iii

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ch. xlv - pb&j

neurosurgeon!hongjoong × reader

buy me coffee ?

where love and peace is held, i never expected for this to happen. i planned and i planned, i expected, and i hoped, but it was never you. you held what i wanted hostage to make room for you, the thing that i needed but has no means of acceptance. deny me, live your best life.

Hongjoong is not one to be surprised easily. Well, by events or situations. He's a scaredy cat who had fallen victim to his son's pranks at least 20 times. In the past month.

But the sight of Kijoong's teacher, Mr Kang, lighting up as you produced a bag of sandwiches from your bag and handed it over to him almost made him choke on his own spit. Honestly, he didn't know why he was so surprised as he had seen (peeked) into your (private) conversation with Mr Kang the other day. Maybe he had been in denial (for some darn reason) about the exact identity of the Yeosang you talked with, thinking that it could be someone else with a similar name. That's possible, right? But seeing the way you adjusted the sleeve of his rolled-up shirt, Hongjoong was hesitant.

When you took Kijoong inside to settle in his cubby and spend some time before the classes started, Hongjoong found himself walking towards the guy he was eyeing.

"Ah, good morning! Mr Kim, right? Kim Kijoong's dad?" Yeosang asked politely with a warm smile. Even Hongjoong had to admit that his heart fluttered slightly so his "baseless" annoyance curiosity has decreased slightly. "Y-yes," clearing his throat, Hongjoong slipped his hands into his pants pockets, "How are you? How's your dad? I heard he was at the hospital?" "Yeah, yeah, he's fine! We went to the other KQ branch hospital so he was taken care of well. His recovery was even better when (y/n) sent him soup," he chuckled.

At the mention of the teacher's dad knowing you, Hongjoong couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at that. "Oh, I didn't realize that you two were so close," he nodded casually. Yeosang shrugged, "I guess in a sense we are, but (y/n) just cares about people and she takes it upon herself to take care of those who know her from her roots. Another hint, you two had known each other for a long while. "(y/n) didn't mention that she knew you to me and she often tells me about the people she knows from her youth." Hongjoong cringed slightly, realizing how easy it could be for Yeosang to twist his words and make it seem like he was jealous. Which he kinda was but it's not like it's obvious. Thankfully, if he did realize, Yeosang didn't let it show. "That could be because I haven't seen her in a long while and it didn't even occurred to us that we knew each other until the second day I came back," well that made Hongjoong more curious and Yeosang could sense it based on the way Hongjoong nodded along and putting all of his focus on him which made him rather nervous. So this time, it was Yeosang who cleared his throat and mended his posture, "S-see, (y/n) and I knew each other from way back in high school. We met because we had entered the same debate competition and we were in opposition. She was formidable with her arguments and it actually made me fear her in a major way. I didn't even think I'd get to talk to her but as you can guess, I did," "How so?" Hongjoong asked, engaged in the story, "Well, she made my teammate cry and she just wanted to make sure that the know-it-all 12th grader had his mommy to wipe his snot. We were in 10th grade at the time." The revelation made Hongjoong let out a snort which caused some parents and their children nearby to jump in surprise, looking at him who had to turn around in shame.

"So, is that how you and (y/n) started dating?" Hongjoong asked after calming down, not really realizing the words that he used. Yeosang furrowed his eyebrows momentarily before chuckling, "Oh, no. We are not dating! We became close again after the realization of our connection and became even closer because I found out that my spotter at the gym is actually Kijoong's instructor so we just shared and bonded and got even closer because of that!" he explained.

Though he was not even supposed to feel that way, Hongjoong felt a sense of relief and his posture even relaxed considerably. Though, he tensed up again when Yeosang continued, "Although, between you and me, (y/n) seems to be interested in this other guy." "What other guy? Is it someone she's close with? How'd you know?" At that point, Hongjoong didn't even care that he was acting rather ridiculously, asking random, personal stuff to his son's homeroom teacher. How professional. "I think you'd know him too," Yeosang stated and for one moment, Mingi came to mind but considering how you still deny him ice cubes, that seemed irrational, impossible, and positively stupid. Yeosang turned around slightly and pointed to where you were inside. "There."

Slowly, almost dramatically, Hongjoong turned his head, following Yeosang's finger to see you talking to the guy he recognized as the other homeroom teacher in Kijoong's class, Choi Soobin. While you were kind and affectionate towards Yeosang, you were more... Flirty with Soobin. That was the only word that seemed suitable because your stance was more passive yet open while still maintaining some boundaries with Soobin. Very different from the way you were with Yeosang whom you treated in a more motherly manner, like how you would Kijoong. With Yeosang, it was tidying him and giving him what he needed but with Soobin, it was more playful what with the gentle pushes and allowing him to guide you so your head won't hit the shelve nearby. You both looked very comfortable with each other, being as close as you both could and remaining respectful at a kindergarten while Kijoong tried to climb up Soobin's legs. His eyes glazed over the way you gently chastised the boy and tried to pry him off but Soobin grabbed your hands away from Kijoong and made gestures that suggested he was telling you to just let Kijoong be.

It was then that Hongjoong realized that his gut feeling was correct but he had jumped to a conclusion.

A lot of thoughts ran through Hongjoong's head, trying to make sense of things as if correcting an assignment, marking parts that were wrong and putting notes on certain parts as if pointing out which information needed elaboration. Above all, one thought seemed more prominent compared to the other. The thought that questioned whether or not he was supposed to feel bitter, jealous, and, well, hurt. Knowing that he was questioning his action did nothing, however. He just kept staring at the two of you in the corner while he was there, at a distance. Because that's what he had made his persona towards you to be since the beginning, right?

Distant, unapproachable.

Like he always was.

Alone.

network :

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[love-at-first-sight-23]

Killer to Lovers

Toxic!Psychopath!JJ Maybank x Fem!reader

Warnings: Extremely toxic and *murderous* JJ, penetration, fingering

Plot: Watching you from a distance, bloodthirsty Jay Maybank can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have you as his.

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: Obsessed with the idea of a possessive/insane JJ recently- Hope it sounds as good on paper as it did in my head!

JJ Maybank had always been a mystery to you. Whether he be sitting in the corner, shrouded by shadows and watching you and the Pogues intently, or twirling a suspicious knife or gun in his hand, he had always been different than the others.

You heard your parents warn you about him. “That boy is no good!” “You shouldn’t be hanging out around him! He could be dangerous!” The truth was, these scoldings wouldn’t bother you so much if you didn’t think they might be true.

Sure, he had never been exactly mean to you. Although he always seemed to have a strange, almost malicious glint in his eyes whenever he looked at you, any conversations between the two of you were friendly. You would joke around with him, John B, Pope, Kiara, and Sarah, and during those times there was no doubt that he was a Pogue.

But you never failed to miss the questionable red splatters on his clothing on multiple occasions, that always came with the news reports of missing people popping up all over Kildare County.

Yes, Jay Maybank wasn’t someone you should trust. But it was the other things about him that made it impossible for you to stay away. Maybe it was the dark circles around his eyes or the way he would swipe his tongue over his lips, but every time you were near him it was like you were in a trance, his presence warping around you and begging you to come closer.

For you, JJ was like a magnet. He was… and you didn’t know how else to describe it… intoxicating. You never imagined that he could feel any the same. 

It happened one night, when the moon was high in the dark sky, and you were huddled in the back of a building, crying. It was one of those times when the pains, losses, and heartbreaks of your life had finally gotten to you, and the tears were flowing down your face in cascading waves.

You had your face in your hands when you heard a familiar husky, drawling voice from directly next to you.

“And what is a lady like you doing out here so late?” You looked up in surprise to see JJ leaning against the wall facing you, his arms crossed and his head lolling slightly to the side.

“H- how did you find me?” you gasped, moving to wipe the tears from your eyes. Instead, JJ blocked your hand and trailed his forefinger across your cheek slowly. You freezed at his touch.

“I suppose I just can’t keep away from you.” He said lowly. Your despair forgotten, you raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

JJ’s deep blue eyes penetrated your own. “I’ve been watching you for a long time.” A shiver crawled up your spine as his finger moved across your chest lightly. Even through the fabric, you could feel how cold it was. “You’re like a magnet to me. An addicting substance that I can’t seem to resist.”

Shock rippled through your body. How could he know you felt the exact same way about him? It was like he could read your mind. “I feel the same way, Jay,” you said softly.

“Good,” he purred menacingly. Before you knew what’s happening, he pulled the straps of your top and bra down your shoulders, letting them fall to your knees alongside your shorts.

Then he took off his own garments, keeping his eyes trained on you as you watched his muscled chest and hard shaft be uncovered.

Fully exposed in the moonlight, you saw his eyes darken further will hunger as he looked at you. How did this relationship get to this point? And this fast? You didn’t have time to think, as JJ was sucking down on your breasts, possessively taking the tips in his mouth one at a time and making you throw your head back. At the same time he slipped his fingers inside your pussy, already wet with your lubrication, pushing them in and out.

Your mind spun as you tried to comprehend the amount of pleasure coming from both places at once. You never imagined JJ’s fingers, or mouth, would feel this good. You twisted against the wall as he picked up his pace down below, relentlessly toying with your clit.

“Stay still, baby,” he growled, and you tried to contain yourself as you’re pushed closer to your climax. You buried your hands into his hair as you reached your edge.

And suddenly, instead of his fingers, his cock is slipping inside you, making you moan at his size and force. JJ moaned, too, murmuring “How can someone feel this good?”

He fucked you aggressively, more rough and merciless than any guy you’ve ever known. The sensations he was giving you were almost more than you can handle, and a second orgasm cracked through you in no time at all. Somehow he knew precisely the right spots to hit, how to make you bend to his will. He was manipulative. Cruel. Greedy. And you loved it.

When he finally came inside of you, it was like heaven with a mixture of hell had been opened. There was only the two of you together, interlocked and soaking up the intoxicating effect you both had on each other.

When he finally pulled out, his breath was hot on your face and he leaned in menacingly. “Do you want to be mine, gorgeous?”

You nodded, closing your eyes. “Yes. I want to be yours. Forever.”

“I want to hear it again. Are you mine?” He snarled, brushing up against your ear.

“Yes, Jay. I’m yours and yours only.” The vows escaped your mouth instantly and you knew there was no escaping the hold he had on you.

He took the skin of your neck between his lips and pulled it taut, marking you as his own. He began to walk away, turning his head towards you one last time. “I’ll see you again soon.” Then he was gone, disappearing back into the shadows.

You were left standing against the wall, mind torn in different directions. One part of your mind screamed What the hell did you just do? And filled with dread that this is wrong. Wondered what your parents will say. The other half of your mind told you This was meant to happen. The feral need for him that overrode all else. You needed him, and that’s all you knew.

You saw him again the next morning, hanging outside with the Pogues. You felt his gaze scorching you the whole time. When you met his eyes, a smirk played at the corner of his lips. 

When you went to your house that night and he fucked you into your own mattress, he hissed “Your parents never have to find out about this. This can be just between the two of us.” And you could only nod in response. You were willing to lie to your own parents to keep him.

Jay got into the habit of sneaking into your room in the evenings, much to your dismay. You couldn’t risk being heard. You never told him to leave either. So quiet moans and hisses could be heard from your house as JJ buried his face between your legs.

When your friends found out about the relationship, they were a bit taken aback, but soon decided it was sweet. They always said JJ was “tough and reserved”, so they found it adorable that he finally found a girl. What they didn’t know, though, was how far he was willing to go to protect you.

Jay was somewhat surprised himself. He had fucked several girls before, consensually, but you were different. At first he convinced himself that it was only for his own benefit, to satisfy his lust, but over time he realized that there was something more. He had always considered love a burden, something meaningless and childish. It could have been the way your featured lit up whenever you laughed, or the sweet and soothing pressure of your lips. But he knew, deep down, that he had grown to love you.

That was why, whenever another guy got close to you, the rage Jay felt was enough to want to kill them. Slit their throats in an alleyway, leave a drop of poison in their drinks. Just to make sure you were never stolen from him.

And of course there were the times when he imagined sinking the blade of a knife into your tender, perfect skin, to see your enticing blood drip down your body. There was something that stopped him, though. Maybe it was because he knew he couldn’t live without you, but he managed to restrain himself. For now.

You sensed this desire, whenever you two kissed. You also sensed the possessiveness radiating from him as he trapped you in his arms. There was something alluring about it. How you knew he would kill for you.

[distressedjellyfish]

Things I think about with frequency

Amy March

How we deserved to see Amy and Laurie's wedding, and them falling in love, and just more of them

How Amy March is hated by many because LMA based the characters off her own sisters, and Amy was obviously written with some bias (as were all the sisters), which shines through and makes us feel similarly about Amy that "Jo" felt about her younger sister.

That line where Amy says "I've been second to Jo my whole life" hits A LOT harder when you realize that Louisa's (Jo) middle name is May, and her younger sister, who she based Amy off, is named May, after LMA's middle name.

I think that people see Amy as this vapid little bitch because she always knew she wanted to be a wife, and she knew she wanted to be rich. But what people fail to consider is that a lot of the time the youngest is the one that sees all the flaws in their family’s lives and feels responsible for taking care of them, even if its not expressly stated. Jo was a wild card. She was free to do as she wanted and nothing could stop her and God love Marmee for never trying. Meg was docile and almost polar opposite of Jo, and as the eldest sister she felt the same burden but lessened because yes she had typical Eldest Sister Syndrome where she had the need to take care of the family, but she also was the first, and therefore had no pre-set markers and expectations that she needed to meet or surpass. She wanted to marry and all that, but it didn't super matter about finances to her. Beth was unable to do "better" than her sisters "mistakes" flat out. And its not through any fault of her own, its just the way it was.

Speaking from experience, its always been clear to me that as the youngest of 3, I would have to do better. My half brother got a girl pregnant on his gap year when he was 18, so I was never allowed to take one, even though it would have probably helped in the long run. My half sister has always been mean to my parents, and won't let my dad see his only biological grandkid, which rips my dad apart, so of course I feel the pressure to have a child to give my dad a bio grandkid to dote on like he does with his non-bio grandkids, even though he's never outwardly expressed to anyone ever that he feels any disconnect from my niece because they aren't related, or that he wants me to have kids for any reason other than he wants them.

Anyways, my point is that Amy felt that pressure from a young age, hence always saying this or that about marrying rich. Add onto that when Aunt March tells her she's her family’s only hope of not being in the lower class/lower middle class for the rest of their lives. And just because that's the only time we see it, but that doesn't mean that there weren't other similar conversations had. Do you really think Aunt March never made her snide comments about the family and their status in front of Amy?

Amy's entire character revolves around this point, she's focused on being a proper lady, being delicate and pretty, in hopes of one day being able to bag someone rich, for her family.

Obviously, she falls into infatuation with Laurie when she meets him at the ripe age of 12??? She idolizes Jo, and Laurie is basically just the boy version (with some exceptions). He's also rich, young, handsome, and charming, and adores the family for who they are, including all their flaws. He's exactly what Amy had been saying she would marry, with the added bonus of him loving Jo the way she is, the exact opposite of Amy, proving that there are rich lovely men out there who will love you even if you aren't perfect, even if you falter. He's proof she can have the life she knows she needs to have for her family, and also still enjoy it and not be stressed all the time about being perfect.

Of course Laurie loves Jo first, for very similar reasons that Amy is infatuated with him. At 15, his whole life has been spent at dinner parties with girls the exact opposite of Jo, all proper and lovely and so so similar to one another, being told he'll marry one of them, everyone expecting him to be polished and well spoken and everything that no 15 year old boy wants to be. So then in comes this whirlwind girl who is completely different, a breath of fresh air that never wants to marry and can't ballroom dance for shit and laughs too loud, and shows him that life can be the Something Different he so desperately craves.

And of course, he ends up with Amy. He was Jo's best friend, so for 6 years all he knew of her was the way she was presented through Jo's eyes. A bratty little girl, who was the same as the other vapid girls he knew, that wasn't worth a thought. And he never paid her any mind because he spent 6 years thinking Jo loved him back, so why would he think of other girls? Then, at 21, he is essentially dumped by the love of his life, and travels abroad to find who he is without her. He meets Amy again, the girl who was always happy to see him. Of course he's going to spend time with her, she's familiar enough to feel like home, but different enough from Jo that it doesn't hurt. And there's the added validation of her liking him, which sometimes you need after your heart has been ripped apart. Plus, she's the only one he really knows in Paris. So they spend time together, and in that time he learns that she's not at all the way he's seen her over the last 6 years. Where he always saw someone not very bright, with a dim personality, that didn't stand up for anything or really rock the boat unless seriously provoked, who would do anything for him, he now finds a strong, funny, kind, beautiful girl, who is very intelligent and has a deep understanding of how cruel the world is (maybe ((definitely)) moreso than her sister) and knows how to manipulate said world in such a way that she can come out close to on top, who cares about her family enough to put everything else aside in order to become the person they need her to be in order to support them, who would still do anything for him but will absolutely call him on his shit and put him in his place when necessary. And how could he not love that?

She's not all that much like Jo, sure, but she is so much more. And she deserves so much more than people calling her his second choice.

Also I think that its criminal that most people don't see that obviously Jo loved her family but she loved herself more. Her sense of duty was to herself, and finding the place that would make her happy. She was also kind of a brat? Things didn't go her way? Editor is a dick? Boy critisizes her writing? Tantrum.

Whereas Amy loved her family more than herself. She was willing to put aside her dreams in order to support her family, and growing up was very rarely bitter about it. She decided, on her own, that her family was her number one priority, and that regardless of the fact that she could be happier doing other things, she wanted to do what she could to provide for her family. She knew how the world treated women, and she learned how to take that, and general criticism, on the chin.

Personally, I think that Amy is a way better character, and I'll die on this hill

Amy March

[aithusarosekiller]

Trans Reggie black brothers fic:

NOT EDITED (will be before it goes onto ao3)

Words: 2239

Warnings: outing (sort of, Sirius figures it out and asks him about it but nobody is told against reg's will), reference to bigoted parents

-

The light twittering of birds was silenced as Regulus strode across his room and pulled the window shut with a slight thud. If he wanted to get any work done before he was due to return to school he would have to do it now, or he would put it off until the last minute. It was a bad habit picked up from Dorcas but one he had come to keep under control for the most part. So long as nothing else disrupted him, he should be okay to continue. His parents were at some important function and Kreacher was out collecting shopping so there wasn't too much that could distract him.

He had managed to sit down at his desk and unscrew the lid of his inkwell by the time his bedroom door slammed open behind him. He heard the unmistakable sound of his brother's heavy-footed stomps come up behind him and had to force himself not to snap right then and there.

“Yes?” His tone was clipped but Sirius either didn't notice or actively chose to ignore it.

“Are you busy?” Without waiting for an answer he attempted to sit down on Regulus’ desk, only stopping when he received a murderous glare and shark smack to the arm; he narrowed his eyes petulantly and tried to hide his irritating grin. “Move and I'll sit in your chair then, my legs are tired.”

Regulus pretended to have not heard him and returned to the introduction of his Defense essay. After a few moments Sirius stood and walked over to the bed, sitting down silently and waiting for a few minutes to see if Regulus was going to say anything. Nothing happened.

“Turn around, you little brat.” Nothing. “Please.”

“Don't call me that,” The reply was quiet but Sirius still heard it.”

“Merlin, I try to be nice once,” He grumbled under his breath, trying to keep his composure and her to the point. “I want to talk to you about something.”

Regulus looked at him as if to say ‘go on’ so he did.

“Look, can you just come here? I'm trying to be nice to you and do sibling bonding or some shit so the least you can do one nice thing and not stare at me from across the room? I'll distract Father so you can visit your friends on Sunday if you let me have this.” He let the suggestion sink in for a moment, then watched as Regulus pushed away from his desk, stretching out the time it took to close the ink and place down the quill, then made his way over to his bed to sit at the opposite end to Sirius, his posture perfect and his hands clasped in his lap.

“Posho.”

“Sorry, do you or do you not have a pair of 35 galleon shoes in your wardrobe as we speak?”

“First of all, I got them in muggle London so technically they were £170, not galleons. And secondly, that is a very good price for a well-made, hand crafted, long-lasting product you intend to use frequently.”

Regulus couldn't help but laugh at that. “You sound like Narcissa.”

He didn't stop laughing when he was slapped on the arm or when Sirius snapped at him to shut up, it was only when Sirius attempted to redirect the conversation that his face fell back to his typical moody stare.

“I wanted to talk about school.” He managed to ignore Regulus’ sigh, having grown fairly immune to the constant dismissals by now, even if it still made him feel a little hurt when he thought about it late at night. “Over the summer term and a little bit before that, I've heard-”

“Oh for Salazar’s sake, if this is going to become one of your anti-Slytherin, ‘you're all evil' rants, I really want nothing to do with-”

“It isn't that!” He hissed, almost laughing at Regulus’ affronted reaction to being cut off halfway through his sentence as if he had not just done the exact same thing mere seconds ago. “Stop coming for my throat and give me a change to finish my sentence before you assume you know what I'm going to say.” He took a deep breath and started again. “I have recently been hearing your friends talk to you while you're in the corridor and then again while they're alone. And I noticed a few things.”

It was then that Regulus finally picked up on what the conversation was going to be about.

“Oh, for-”

“Shush, let me finish. I heard you and your friends talking quite a few times and I heard that they called you a different name.” He looked at Regulus knowingly. “You might disagree but I'm not stupid. I mean my grades speak for themselves really, I don't think I did any revision before the day of for my exams and I still…anyway. Your friends were calling you Regulus and they were calling you he and I'm no idiot. I know what that means.”

“You understand names, well done. Maybe you aren't a complete imbecile after all.”

“Alright, you're being rude because you're nervous so I'll let that slide. I know that it means you don't want to be a girl anymore. And that's great! That's okay. I just wanted to give you the chance to talk about it. With me. If you want.”

Regulus looked at him blankly for a while. He opened his mouth to speak at least four times before closing it. Eventually he picked up the courage to actually say something.

“I'm not a girl.” Sirius nodded along. “Your eavesdropping was right there.” Sirius frowned in disapproval but did not get the chance to interject. “I am a boy. My name is Regulus. Yes, like the star. My friends are okay with it because they aren't completely despicable people despite what you Gryffindors may like to think. And you didn't have to interrupt my homework to talk to me about this, you haven't spoken to me besides polite greetings since November.”

“Actually, it was your birthday.”

“December, then. My point still stands, Sirius.”

“Is it rude to ask when you knew?”

“A little bit, yes.” Regulus snapped. “I didn't always know.” He seems to consider telling the story for a second, then decided not to. “I don't want to talk about it.”

“Okay.” Sirius nodded. Maybe if the rest of the conversation went well he would tell him another time. “It's a nice name. Bit long but not bad.”

“Thank you.” It was robotic and almost cold but Sirius was not deterred.

“I might shorten it to Regs. I've heard your annoying friend call you Reggie but you'd probably kill me if I called you that to Regs it is. It's short, efficient, and probably won't get my ears cut off and fed to Kreacher.” Regulus couldn't help a smile like that, which seemed to get Sirius out of his tentative, unnaturally calculated state and make him grin himself. “I'll take that as a yes.”

“Sure.”

“I have a brother,” He mused to himself. Whether it was with shock or glee neither of them could say.

“You can't tell anybody.”

“I won't! I'm great with secrets. Really, name one secret I haven't been able to keep.” He took in Regulus’ meaningful look and recalculated. “Yeah, alright, but I won't tell anyone this. I promise.” He attempted to look as sincere as possible. When he looked down at the sight of movement, he saw that his brother’s hand was extended, palm up and waiting.

Sirius couldn't help but smile when he was it, moving his own hand to place on top before taping each of their fingers together as he muttered the words 'I swear on my life’. It was a silly way of making a promise that Andromeda had taught them when they were younger and caught her writing to her muggleborn boyfriend. They knew not that she had just made it up to get them to stay hushed but they had never really grown out of it. Without a word, they both retracted their hands, but Sirius was now smiling and Regulus seemed at least somewhat more relaxed so it was worth it even if it was a kids thing.

“I just wanted to say that I am glad you were honest with me,” Sirius began the little speech he had prepared in his head. He had gone over it time and time again, attempting to eradicate any signs of his usual self to form a kind, welcoming speech that would soften the situation. “And I am glad that you have been able to find yourself like this.” Regulus groaned into his hands and swore under his breath. “I am here if you want to talk about…this and I would be really happy if you trusted me to talk about you being….a guy now.”

“Oh Merlin, this is humiliating. Stop. Stop. Sirius, stop.” He waited for him to trail off awkwardly before letting out a relieved sigh and beginning his own explanation.

“Okay; thank you but I really don't need a lecture on my ‘validity’. I am aware of it. And I didn't not tell you because I was scared, it was because we haven't spoken properly in months and I doubted that you'd even care. It would be weird, that's why.” He grasped around for another point to make while he had the silence to be able to get a word in. “And don't you think I should have been able to tell you this in my own time instead of just barging in and asking me about it.”

“When would that have been?” He wasn't expecting an apology, but the bluntness of the reply still caught Regulus off guard. “Would you have told me? Would you really? Hm?” He got no answer. “Reggie.”

“The point is that I should've gotten the choice.”

“Well I admit I didn't think it through that much!”

“That's new.” Regulus drawled.

“I was just shocked when you didn't tell me. I was shocked that they knew basic crap about you that I apparently don't. Call me selfish but I care quite a lot about that. You used to tell me everything.” The anger in his voice was barely-veiled. “We used to be best friends but I feel like I don't know anything shoot you anymore.”

“And who's fault is that?”

“Yours! You are the one who got all those amazing Slytherin friends and decided I was the shit on your damn shoe, Regulus.”

“I don't want to do this right now.”

They fell back into relative silence. The sound of the wind against the old, thin window was all they could focus on for a few minutes. Eventually, siris cleared his throat and reached out his hand, patting his brother on the shoulder a few times like he was a delicate animal.

“What are you doing?”

Sirius blinked. “I'm comforting you.”

“Don't do that.”

“Fine, I won't.” He looked away again and waited.

“I can tell you want to ask something else.”

Sirius shrugged noncommittally, then gave in and asked what he had wanted to know the entire time. “Who else knows?” The hint of desperation in his voice was embarrassing but he hoped Regulus hadn't picked up on it.

“My friends,” He provided. “That's all really."

“And…” He didn't need to say it for the implication to be obvious. They both looked towards the doorway despite knowing the house was empty, as if anticipating their arrival. Regulus slouched slightly, seemingly having given up on acting properly.

“Do you think I'd still be here telling you about it if they knew?”

“Don't say that.” Whispering was uncharacteristic for Sirius but he didn't exactly want to say the words that left his mouth, they just sort of did. Giving away the card he held for his brother's wellbeing even after all this time.

“It’s not exactly a shock, is it? The perfect angel of the black family ends up being a man with a woman’s features, guess what happens next.”

“Regulus, stop.”

“...Sorry.” The apology sounded almost forced out but it was better than none at all in Sirius' opinion.

Sirius shook his head lightly. “It's fine. It's not like it's your fault. Hey, uh, if you wanted to, we could go shopping together at some point. Get you some stuff that makes you feel less, y'know.” ‘Girly’ was the obvious end to that sentence. Regulus frowned and turned to face him again.

“I can go shopping with my friends, thank you.” Sirius waited. And waited. Then, “When would you want to go?”

“Why, do you can be conveniently busy that day?” He suggested; Regulus stared silently. “Next Saturday?”

“Okay.”

“Yeah, good, alright. Cool. You're paying for your shit though.” He added as an afterthought.

“What? Why one earth to would you invite me shopping if you're not paying for anything?”

“I'm not your Mum Reggie.”

“You're uglier than her, that's for sure.”

Taking it as the natural lull to the conversation, Sirius pulled a face and turned to leave, spinning back around one step out of the door so he could confirm their agreement.

“Next Saturday, yes?”

“Yes, that is what I said.”

With that Sirius nodded silently and left, leaving the door wide open and Regulus sat on the bed wondering where in the name all of that had come from.

[byte-babe]

Femme Boy

Characters - Pete Kowalski

Summary - Pete wonders if there's something different about him.

Word Count - 1,050

Warnings - Talks of transgenderism

A/N - This is my first time really writing anything so it's probably not that good (in my opinion). Please leave your opinions because it would help me get better and/or make me feel more confident :]

“Femme boy“ was a nickname given by Gary that stuck to Pete like a leech since his first year at Bullworth. He never understood why, out of all the nicknames under the sun, he chose “Femme boy”.

It was stupid, nothing about Pete was feminine.

Sure, he was weak and shorter than almost everyone else, and wore a pink button up under his vest, didn’t participate in sports or any other masculine activities, but it didn’t make him feminine. Lots of people were like him.

But why did that stupid nickname bother him so much. Every time it came out of Gary’s mouth or from the bullies or jocks, it just kept repeating in his head like a broken record.

“He’ll say anything to get under my skin. It’s a dumb way of making me feel smaller than I already am.” Pete would think, as if he was convincing someone other than himself. It got annoying.

Now that Gary was away in Happy Volts, and Pete became the new Head Boy, the nickname had stopped. Or at least others had stopped calling him that.

It still repeated in his head.

”Femme boy. Femme boy. Ugh, shut up. Stop thinking about that. Why am I still thinking about that. Femme boy. Jeez, nothing about me is even feminine, right? Who cares, it shouldn’t bother me anymore. Then why do you keep repeating it, Femme boy… Did I just call myself ‘Femme boy’?

It became a daily routine for him. He would wake up, get ready, and every time he had left the boys' dorm and began his journey to class, he had that same damn conversation with himself.

Eventually, it wasn’t the nickname that bothered him anymore, it was the fact he was genuinely coming to terms with the fact that he was feminine. The worst part was that, deep down, he wanted to be feminine.

”I already get picked on enough. Do I really want this to be another reason? Why can’t I just be normal.. Was this normal?”

He would stand in front of the mirror in his room for minutes before classes started just looking at himself, trying to vision what he’d look like if he gave into the idea of being feminine.

He would even hide away in the library doing some research on his new found thoughts and feeling on the library computers. It was always fairly empty, besides the Nerds hanging around but they never paid him any attention so he wasn't too worried about them leaning over his shoulder.

During his research he found that many other people had the exact same feelings as him. Feeling as if something was missing or out of place, feeling like they weren't who they thought they were. After reading through various forums, it almost felt like weight was being lifted off his shoulders.

It was a normal.

Even after reading and learning that he could possibly be trans, it still didn't cease his thoughts due to the many cons it has to coming out.

”What if I’m just making this all up. Maybe I’m just as crazy as Gary and need to be admitted into Happy Volts too. I’ve spent 15 years as a guy, why am I questioning it all of a sudden?? Maybe I don’t have it all figured out yet. I’m allowed to take my time. Is this selfish? What if my parents hate me because of this? What if I lose Jimmy as a friend. I don't know what I want anymore."

As the school year comes to an end, Pete finds himself sitting at the pier in Old Bullworth Vale, the sounds of crashing waves and gulls, quieting his mind for the first time in weeks only slightly. He was going back home for the summer which meant he could either talk to his parents about his "issue", or keep it to himself until it was forgotten.

“Hey, Pete.” A sudden voice spoke, startling him out of his thoughts. He turned to see Jimmy standing beside him, taking a seat next to him on the bench. He wondered how long he had been standing there for.

“Hey, Jimmy.” The corner of Pete’s mouth curving into one of his awkward smiles.

“You seem pretty out of it. What’s up?” Jimmy asked, draping an arm over the back of the wooden bench.

He had been standing there long enough to notice his friend deep in thought about something.

“It’s nothing.” Pete shook his head, his gaze turning back out to the waves, hands gripping the edge of the bench.

“Y’know, you’re really bad at lyin’ when it comes to sayin’ nothin’s wrong.”

Pete chuckled at that, knowing it was true. “Just.. thinking about next year and what might happen.”

“Hopefully nothin’. This year was hell enough dealin’ with all those maniacs and Gary.”

Knowing how this year went down, along with Pete’s knowledge of what happened last year, they both know something was bound to happen next year.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, at least Jimmy was, Pete was contemplating a question he wanted to ask the other boy but didn’t know how to execute it. His heart felt heavy and racing like it would explode if he moved even an inch.

“Hey, Jimmy,” He finally spoke. He didn’t even know if Jimmy was paying attention due to his heart basically being in his ears, so he kept talking. “If I were to change something about myself, would you still be my friend?”

“Petey, if i’m gonna be honest, there’s probably nothin’ you could do to make me not be your friend.”

Pete goes quiet, taking in his response. ”Probably.” Was that good enough for him?

He hadn’t notice that he was idly picking at the wood until a hand clapped on his shoulder, making him turn to look at the redhead and stop his subtle movements.

“Whatever change you’re going through, I’ll be there to support you. Even if you end up like Hitler Jr.”

Pete snorted at that, shaking his head as he figured he was talking about Gary.

That was somewhat reassuring and nice to hear. But he could be thinking about any other changes, nothing drastic like what Pete was thinking.

But as long as Jimmy was there, maybe it wouldn’t be all bad.

[moved-to-thanatologie]

yeah okay, but i wanna talk a minute about how lichdom is actually the bad ending for emmrich a second, because i just played through the last part of his personal quest agaiin, and i've been chewing on it for the last, like, week.

so, you can romanticize it all you want, but emmrich changes after lichdom, which...you know, can be expected, but it's not in a good way. in a shallow sense he has more of a temper, he's more...i'm sorry, i don't think the overprotectiveness of rook is exactly ~so romantic~, i think it's...not great, to put it lightly. it's a little guilt-trippy about how he'll have to mourn them forever if they die, which...newsflash, he's gonna be doing that anyway. and on that shallow level there's just a layer of ickiness to it that i think some people just are...overlooking.

the fact that it's his life's work notwithstanding, like...this isn't the same healing and head on confrontation other companions get for what's eating at them, it's enabling emmrich's aversion to looking the facts dead (no pun intended) in the face: people die. he'll die one day, too, and literally nothing is forever, no matter what promise lichdom makes. like there's some banter with lucanis that i don't have exact quotes for at the moment, but it basically boils down to the fact that if you spend all your time reaching for undeath and hoping to return one day, you're ignoring and wasting the life you can have in the here and now and it's passing you by, which is...i mean, is that not it? is that not exactly what emmrich's doing? and i mean, if there's anyone to point that out, it's probably lucanis.

then there's hezenkoss, who has absolutely fed his fears, and if you search your heart you'll know it to be true. like @ofeluvians and i were talking about, i don't think it was ever a real, true friendship, i think it was almost entirely one-sded (boy, is that ever a character quirk i'm familiar with, i say, looking pointedly at 616 tony stark - ask me how!), and his insecurities were exacerbated to at least some degree. emmrich says himself that johanna never had an easy time of making friends, and if you read the flame eternal you can see she was acerbic even then, and not exactly what i would call compassionate to either emmrich or the spirits they were dealing with.

there's the fact that he was taken into a place that terrified him after his parents died, and i don't think it's necessarily some lofty, grand, scholarly thing that makes the memorial gardens his favorite place in the grand necropolis, i think it's because - out of all of it that we at least get to see - it's actually the most peaceful and least scary. just like i don't think it's hugely a shocker that his favorite spirits are definitely the wisps, which, by and large are manifestations of curiosity and by and large harmless.

i think, instead of a paralyzing fear of death, it's anxiety. like...big anxiety resulting from trauma that's never been addressed (his parents' deaths) and loneliness to a degree (manfred). he's so eager to share things with people, there's a recipe from his mother he passes on to lucanis (which i'm sure was a what's your favorite food conversation), or his books with taash and bellara. his skills to help neve solve a murder. going camping with harding. even the dad talks with davrin have shades of this, funny as it is. he...speaks to people on their level, i think, to a degree, once he knows what their level and their comfort level is (taash). he can empathize with situations he'll never actually experience himself. and it's like he says, a good instructor never makes a student feel inferior.

it's the loneliness thing i wanna circle back to a second, though, because it's my ultimate point: for all of this, for all of his flaws and his fears and his kindness, what the heart of his actual issue that needs addressing is is that loneliness. if you bring manfred back, he'll tell rook, you know, that he has pangs for what might have been, but seeing manfred grow and his excitement for his new magic and getting to be an apprentice mage is something he wouldn't change for the world. if unromanced he stumbles into one, anyway, full of adventure that wouldn't necessarily be the kind he'd find himself in, in his daily, normal life. his genuine distress toward the beginning, after he's recruited, when he feels like he's being judged and shut out (his commentary on other people's commentary on his skulls and manfred, his and taash's issues finally coming to a head).

like this man is lonely, y'all, and looking for human connection, and i don't think he entirely realizes it as the core of that overwhelming sense of dread. thinking about all his little notes in the codices, like...outside of lecture notes there's always some mention of someone from the veilguard in them, davrin and silly questions, or harding and burning the dead, or how davrin showed him flowers he's only seen in herbalism books and how excited he is for that. and if he turns to lichdom, he loses all of that. he loses manfred, and he does not get over it. instead he gets, like, five minutes of euphoria and then it's people finding him crying over manfred in his room and the deep regret when even spite confronts him about how manfred should be there.

so...yeah. that's a lot of words to say i don't think lichdom solves anything, and in fact actually probably makes things worse, because sure, he gets to live forever. with everyone around him that he loves dying, no manfred, and in the end he'll still end up alone, which is the core of the issue, i think.

[thebardisabird]

Writing has been hard for me lately. A lot of things have happened in the past year for me that damaged my zest to write. But that passion doesn't ever truly die, I think, so I'm doing my best to pick myself and continue doing what I love. So here's my contribution to Karamatsu month. A very candid conversation and a gentle reminder.

When Karamatsu had asked you to take a walk with him, you initially had thought nothing of it. Often you two would walk Akatsuka Park together; you, because you enjoyed the benefit of being able to clear your mind with some fresh air, and he because it was how you two met, so it held a special place in the grand scheme of your friendship. 

“Ah, does the air not smell so wonderfully crisp?” Karamatsu inhales, stretching his arms out as his lungs take in the cool afternoon air. You get lost in your own breathing for a second, “Just the season for it too,” a small smile ghosts over your lips, “I love this time of year.” 

Karamatsu hums in agreement, arms crossing over his chest as he slides his eyes closed and walks with a purposeful blindness.

Your mind shifts to light conversation, “How was your week? Anything new with your brothers?”

His chuckle is airy as he peaks an eye open toward you, “Raucous as ever - but how could they not be? We share the same fire in our blood after all.” 

This made you laugh as you recalled that same exact “fiery blood” getting them in trouble with Chibita just the other night. Karamatsu hears your laughter and mirrors it, thinking of his brothers and their antics - antics he’s very much always a part of. He recollects the memories that have permanently altered his life; how he wouldn’t trade them for the world. Yet as you both walk, a chill runs through the leather of his jacket. The reality of his adulthood creeps up and reminds him that even this situation - spending every day of his adult life with his brothers, living without much to care about, or even the luxury of getting to have these walks with you whenever it pleases you both - may be temporary. But such is life, isn’t it? Shouldn’t a man his age strive for independence and distance so as to be free of burdening his family? Karamatsu tucks his hands into his armpits, a certain vulnerability striking him now. You feel the difference in his attitude almost instantly.

“Kara…you okay?” 

His answer doesn’t come right away, though he still walks with you without missing a step. His signature shades have slid down the bridge of his nose a tad, revealing the troubled look of his downcast eyes and knitted brows. In searching for a response he remains silent; though this renders to you as him not having heard you. “Karamatsu…?” you call out again, worry lacing in your utterance of his name. 

The wrinkles in his brows grow deeper, “Am I…a burden?” 

The timbre of his voice was far lighter than normal, hesitance coating his words in a way you weren’t expecting. You tilt your head with some confusion, not understanding his question as it’s phrased, “What do you mean?” 

The cedar hues of his eyes drift off to the side as though he meant to avoid your gently bewildered expression. 

“I just…I think of my brothers…I think of how we’re still living at home,” he chews his lip as he continues, “We’re adults…and yet we rely so heavily on our parents.” 

You nod as you take in his words, the idea of what he’s trying to ask beginning to formulate in your head. Karamatsu removes his hands, looking down at the guitar-worn digits, “I…” the sigh he lets out is palpable, “I feel like I have nothing to show for myself or my future. I need to know when I’ll be more than just…this.” 

Your heart sinks as you see the hurt show in full bloom on Karamatsu’s face. It’s a subject of conversation you often avoid with him, not out of dishonesty, but because you’ve seen what the call of independence has done to his family in the past. It’s a sore topic, you know this. Yet your hands find one of his own, enclosing the now tightly grasped fist and gently easing his fingers open to accept the warmth of your comforting ones. 

“Those are answers that take time…no one ever knows right away what their future holds.” 

Karamatsu looks on at the delicate hold you have on his hand before finally locking eyes with you. 

“Give yourself time and grace,” you say softly, “You’re exactly where you need to be…and the people who love you are happy to have the time with you that they do.” 

He swallows thickly at your words, there’s a kindness to them he feels he doesn’t deserve - but he absorbs each letter nonetheless. His free hand unfurls from its frustrated grasp, coming to blanket your reassuring touch with his own, thankful, one. He loses the ability to speak for just a moment, but he silently prays that the sincerity in his eyes reflects how grateful he is for you. You lend him a bright smile, tugging on the same you were still encasing, “Come, let’s finish our walk before it gets too cold.” 

The weight that on his shoulders shakes free of its hold as he’s yanked forward a hair. He stumbles before he remembers to walk accordingly, and he finds his steps feel lighter now. The pleased silence between you two doesn’t last long as he inhales once more, “Ah…”

Seeing him return to his usual self brings you joy, but that is quickly replaced with playful annoyance when he says, “I must be rubbing off on you, darling, with how poetic with your words you’re becoming,” the statement paired with the glint of his grin and his arms flared out in a dramatic display. You can’t stop your eyes from rolling though it’s easily accompanied by affectionate laughter, “If you say so, Karamatsu.”

[quinloki]

Birthday Request Event v2024

"It's my birthday and I'll write what I want to \o/"

Gift Details ♥ Reader Style: afab Character: Sabo Vibe: NSFW Consensual AU: Government Mandated Marriage AU Prompt: Unresolved Sexual Tension Gift Giver: @undeadeurydice

Summary: You and Sabo are getting along well, but while the tension keep building, nothing seems to be able to break it.

Content Notes: harried foreplay, fingering, oral, tension-break, Sabo calls you dove.

This birthday party is 18+, consensual unless explicitly stated otherwise, and BYOB

The first meeting had gone off without much of an issue. You and Sabo got along well enough, and had plenty in common to talk about. Both of you had surrogate guardians at your first meeting, neither of you being on good terms with your own parents. You were able to easily joke about how awful things would’ve been, if including living biological parents were a requirement of the match process.

Moving in together had gone well. His brothers had helped with a lot of heavy lifting, and your friends had helped you both get things organized. The apartment was going to be temporary, but it was less mess to start there than it was to go in on a house before the wedding. Rematches might be rare, but not impossible.

Not that a rematch was your problem.

Nothing, honestly, was wrong between you and Sabo, except maybe you were both on rocky footing when it came to physical interactions. You’d both shown the other your scars, or most of them - best to get something like that out of the way when the point was marriage and eventually children.

But when it came to physical contact, it was almost like it was too much. Your fingers had brushed over one another’s a couple times, and his gloved hands had been on your waist as you’d moved by one another in the kitchen. You both still had separate rooms, which was normal at this point, but as flustered as the light brushes of contact had you both, nothing more had happened.

He was hot, and having seen him shirtless was not helping you and your situation. You wanted more, but more was terrifying. You weren’t dense either, and you were certain he was almost in the same exact boat as you. You both got along well enough, and maybe the Government had simply matched two people who were too similar.

It was all going to fall apart if you couldn’t get it together.

The night before, Sabo had - you think - attempted to break the tension. He’d taken you out on a date, leaving the apartment for a while and “arriving” to pick you up and take you out. It was silly and adorable and sweet all in one. There was dinner, and a movie, and you both had fun. You sat together on the same side of the booth at the restaurant, nearly touching the entire meal.

The conversation wasn’t tense, but the glances here and there, and the trembling need to just touch one another built and built.

In the theater Sabo put his arm around your shoulders, though the divider between seats kept you from leaning into his side. Even with his arm across your shoulders his hand seemed to avoid making contact too often, just the occasional soft tap against your arm when he wanted to lean in and say something about the movie.

At the end, he walked you back up to the apartment door, acted as though he meant to leave you for the night, and leaned in. Closer, and closer, and your eyes slipped along the shape of his lips, your tongue against your own for a moment. You were certain your heart would beat out of your chest, and the soft flush of pink in his face left you thinking he was in the same boat.

Desperate to keep control, and equally desperate to break the tension that had been building between you both since the first meeting. The soft brushes of skin here and there weren’t nearly enough to provide even a modicum of relief.

Before the distance could be overcome, however, your neighbor came out of their apartment. Sabo stepped back and you both greeted the kind older woman. He told her to be careful going out so late, and offered to help if there was an errand she was going to run. She declined, but thanked him, and nothing in her body language suggested that she knew what you two had just been about to do, but when she left the tension was overshadowed by a nervous energy.

It had been a bit painfully awkward, but you both reiterated you had a good time, and then you both turned in for the evening.

In your own rooms.

Not that you really slept all that much. You were awake for hours thinking you should just knock on his door. You should do that, and pull him in and snog him right in the hall. Where no sweet neighbors can interrupt. When he could lean back and welcome you into his room.

Into his bed.

Now you were in the kitchen, the barest hint of sleep keeping you upright as you began to make coffee. You had nothing more than a shirt on and some socks, and barely registered Sabo’s voice as he yawned and came into the kitchen. You mumbled good mornings to one another.

After a few minutes Sabo taps your shoulder.

“Hey, are you actually awake?”

“Mmhm.” You murmur, sleepily.

“Are you sure?” He questions, amusement in his voice.

“M’sure.”

“The coffee’s been done for five minutes, dove.”

“Hmm?” You look up at the tone, giving him a sleepy look. Sabo nearly sucks his lips into his mouth trying not to laugh at how adorable you look, and he points at the coffee machine. You turn to look and realize it’s been done. “Ah.” You manage softly.

“Here, let me make grab cups, and you can sit do-.”

“Sabo?” You interrupt, as he has leaned forward against you to reach the mugs in the cupboard. The warmth of his body is burning through your nightshirt and your mind can’t muster up the energy to be embarrassed right now.

“Hm?”

At least not embarrassed enough to stop you.

“… Kiss me.”

There’s a small flurry of motion as Sabo drops, and catches, the mug in his hand before setting it on the counter. You turn to face him, unable to bring your gaze up despite the courage you’ve found in your sleep deprived haze.

“I… couldn’t sleep last night because I wanted you to kiss me, and,” you murmur, the heat rising into your face and burning away the sleepy haze that had been emboldening you. “And… more.”

“Pardon me,” he says softly, finger hooked under your chin as he lifts it up. There’s no pause, his lips against yours the second he’s positioned your face as needed. The sweet thrill that rushes through you, has your arms around his waist, the two of you pulling one another closer.

The kiss shatters the tension between the both of you, leaving hands to wander, and lips to seek out other sweet places. There was nothing perfectly planned about the kiss, but it was perfect regardless.

Sabo pulls off your nightshirt, barely breaking his lips away from your body any longer than needed, and fans the shirt out on the kitchen before you pull off his boxers. Scarred and strong fingers slip between your thighs and deft movements pull sweet sounds from your lips as you lean against him. The mischievous smile paints his lips for the moments you can see them between the hungry kisses beginning to devour your skin.

He’s down on his knees before you, holding your back against the refrigerator, legs hooked over his shoulders as his mouth is between your thighs before you’ve full grasped that you’re in that position. You gasp and whine, fingers in his hair as his mouth brings the first wave of pleasurable relief through your body.

You tense, body caught between him and the cold metal doors at your back. The cool metal may be the only thing keeping you from burning up. He doesn’t stop until you’re whimpering his name and begging for mercy.

Your mind is hazy from lack of sleep and now the afterglow of an orgasm. Sabo moves you easily as he lays down on the cold, hard kitchen tile, easing you carefully to straddle him. He gives you a few moments to come back around, rubbing his stiff cock slowly against your slit.

When you shift your hips against him in response he grins. “Welcome back.”

“Don’t tease me,” you huff, sinking against his hip more and really grinding into his cock.

“I just didn’t want to go further until you were focused.” He assures you, voice shivering against the pleasure building up in him. “As… as for teasing,” he sighs, as you lift your hips enough to press the head of his length against your entrance.

You reach down and steady him as you sink down slowly. Sabo’s hands are hot against your skin, wondering and touching everything he could, while also helping to keep you stable. His eyes shift from your face, to the sight at his hips, sharp and focused as you took all of him.

A soft swear slips between his teeth as his fingers tighten against you.

“I’m surprised…” You huff softly as you slowly begin to ride him. “I didn’t expect you’d relinquish control like this.”

A soft chuckle escapes Sabo as he holds your hips and thrusts up into you easily, pulling control from you for a moment before he settles again.

“Floor’s hard, is all.”

[nnnn99999]

I finished watching ep 1 and 2 of bad buddy series and I love it already. I really want to watch more but it's already super late and I need to go sleep. Here are my thoughts on this series so far.

The production is really good so far.

The music really stands out to me. It is used a lot but doesn't feel overdone. I need to rewatch to be sure if it's as intentional as I think it is, but the music adds context to the scenes which is fun.

This show is so funny. Not in a cringey way either. More like a lighthearted and natural way. Like I found myself genuinely laughing out loud at times.

Pat, Pran and Pa are so adorable.

The baby versions of the characters are so cute oh my motherly heart.

I am really digging the PatPran frenemy dynamics. I need to see more before I elaborate why I like their dynamics so much. I just adore them already.

When I look at Pat I just see a husky.

Pran seems to be the most self aware character so far. I want to see if he will be the first one to notice the dynamic shift as their relationship changes.

Seeing the PatPa sibling dynamic made me appreciate my sister so much. Sure, she often uses the older sister card to make me do stuff, but at least she is not gross. Also she gives me tasks, not chores. Yes Pat I am telling you to stop making Pa do your chores. Justice for younger siblings who have to do chores for their older siblings!

The PatPran fake fighting is so funny. Baby PatPran falling over when their hands are a mile away from each other was so hilarious. The adult version of the fake fighting is actually one of my favorite scenes so far. I need to revisit this when I am done watching the whole thing because I know there's a lot I missed here.

I hate when parents try to indoctrinate their children. Just let them breathe okay? Have your feuds and friends and whatever without dragging your children into it. Also stop putting pressure on your children and let them do what they want. Just give them the freedom to grow. They are their own person, so let them explore themselves on their own. Ugh I'll leave it at that for now but I already have so much more to say about both sets of parents and I can tell its probably going to get worse. Like I know they love their children a lot but ugh. I just know these parents are going to piss me off later on in this show. I just know it.

That one scene where Pat touches Pran's face without washing his hands after peeing was so gross. I know Pat is gross in general but that was too much.

The number of times I went 'boys being idiots' in just 2 eps is astounding. This is the brand of idiocy I have only ever seen within a group of boys. These boys sent me back to my school days. I have seen these exact scenes and conversations happen. Especially the one where Pran's friends tease him about being hit on. I will never forget that tone of voice. Even the getting ready to fight at the drop of a hat is so familiar. The number of times I have seen boys getting all up in each others' faces for the stupidest reasons imaginable are countless. I have never seen boys actually fight in school but I had a guy friend tell me all about their fights outside of school. Then these same boys who were punching each other because one hit the other with a paper bullet launched from a rubber band slingshot(they were having a war in class and I almost got hit multiple times) would hug each other and jump around when the school team won a sports match. Also, their collective IQ seems to magically disappear when they are together and they are left with half a braincell to be shared by the whole group. That's why they become boys being idiots.

OhmNanon are undoubtedly the stars of this show and not just because they are the main characters. They are doing such a great job of selling me their characters. Their scenes together are so fun to watch.

I am going to write a separate post about Ohm Pawat specifically because I already have so much to say about him.

Yeah I think that's about it. Actually there is more but I want to see how some things develop before I comment on those. @airenyah I am so glad I can share this with you. I love it so much already. I totally understand the obsession, I am quickly getting there too. Like I want to rewatch it already. I knew I was going to like bbs considering our mutual love for simm and ha but I really didn't expect to like it so much already. I didn't even watch the trailer, I just jumped into the 1st ep directly. And well I am having a blast!