#it's so integral to me to express myself because words just DON'T make sense and bring them to life as art is smth that's like breathing

[a-star-is-here]

so I completely forgot how to draw, and write music

like, the tune is there, the idea is there, but it refuses to mold , it's not taking form at all, whatever I do with my hands, or try to relax it just does not EXIST and as a creative it's driving me fucking NUTS because I thrive on creating, it's the equivalent of air to me and not being able to do that is sending me into depression AGAIN

[geopsych]

re: the tumblr ai stuff, please don’t wipe your blog!! your blog has been so important to me and many others as a place of authentic light and beauty and i would hate to lose it forever 💕

there is a way to download the contents of a tumblr blog (it’s in settings, i don’t remember rn, but i’ll find it if you need it) maybe you could upload to another site or a personal site?

i know this is very serious, and i hate how we are unwillingly contributing to synthetic art, but the world would be poorer for me without your pictures <3

Thank you. Your words mean a lot to me.

This is a dilemma for me. I have loved doing this blog and going out to look for pictures and interesting things to bring here has given me motivation and meaning through years of struggle with depression and several kinds of grief. Going out to look for pictures has put me in situations where I have seen incredible beauty, much of which I never really managed to capture. Also, the many warm and kind messages I've received from people all over the world have given me heart and made me feel less meaningless as a person and more connected. Sometimes I've been criticized for buying the checkmarks and giving money to Tumblr but I wanted to do what I could because Tumblr has been my one happy and safe place online. But now this. To me AI in relation to creativity is just a way for well-to-do but untalented people, the proverbial tech bros, to profit from other people's hard work and creativity. It has no redeeming value in relation to creativity and is actively harmful to artists of all kinds. <trying to figure out how to put a read more link here> I don't even count myself among the real creatives, artists and writers and others who have worked hard and put years into honing their crafts, into learning to translate their hearts and unique spirits into their creative expression. I just see beautiful things and take pictures of them. But it would still make me sick to see AI works based on my pictures, on these times and places that have meant so much to me. Recently I saw a set of cat 'photos' on here that everyone was reblogging and exclaiming over but that to me seemed to just be AI art that was more convincing than most. As time goes on more and more output of AI is going to be almost indistinguishable from real works and unscrupulous people will pass them off as real, getting credit for what was actually created by others. Whether they profit from them becomes almost irrelevant at that point because what's worse is that we will have less and less sense of what is real. And as some have pointed out AI will now also be scraping from AI, muddying the waters further from here on in. This is an apocalypse of sorts, an apocalypse of creativity, ultimately likely to kill the joy of artistic endeavor for many who would otherwise produced brilliant, beautiful, funny, and/or shockingly original things. I'm still parsing and dissecting my thoughts and feelings about what Tumblr has done and how to react. Staying and leaving my blog up feels like consent. I am not confident in the integrity of anyone connected with scraping sites for AI. I'm not convinced that a little toggle in settings is going to make much of a difference in the long run. On the other hand I like posting here and I have received enough messages over the years to know that my blog is a positive influence on some lives. I was looking forward to May and June and posting pictures of the incredible beauty of eastern Pennsylvania in those months. And I was planning on making a side blog for posting some poetry I've been working on. It will break my heart to leave.

I haven't decided yet. Believe it or not this whole thing has given me awful physical symptoms. I'll let you know when I decide. Thank you again for your kind and lovely note!

[blue-rose-soul]

"Great Alastor Altruist* died for his friends!"

This scene has been spinning in my brain since Thursday. Like a lot of other people, my first thought was that this was an indication that Alastor had grown to care for Charlie and her friends at the hotel. And it's not because of the words he says. Even if you're watching without subtitles and don't see the quotations around that phrase, it's pretty obvious that he's laughing at the very thought.

"Me? Alastor? Dying for them?"

"Ridiculous."

"Absurd!"

"Utterly laughable!"

No, what makes me think that there might be a kernel of truth there isn't the words by themselves. It's the look on his face as he says them.

This is the part where Alastor's angry snarl breaks and he begins to look genuinely afraid. He clutches his chest. He digs his fingers into his scalp, drags his hand down the side of his face. And that's a perfectly reasonable reaction to nearly dying! It's very human! But I think it's very telling that this expression doesn't settle on his face until he's talking about dying for someone else. Before this he looked more angry than anything, and he lapses back into anger up until he begins talking about trying to find a way out of his deal.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand why anyone would think otherwise. The thing about Alastor is that, despite how blatant it is, his mask works. Like I stated earlier, I find myself searching every word, expression, and gesture from Alastor for double meaning. Ostensibly, there's no one here for Alastor to lie to**. No one he has to put up an act for. But his smile, which he's already fully admitted is faker than fake, remains firmly in place. I wonder if putting up an act is so second nature to him at this point he can't help but do it even when he's alone. Maybe he tries to fool himself as much as other people.

I believe that he has come to care, but I can't fully believe it. I won't be surprised to be wrong. But there are some scenes that just don't make sense to me if he really doesn't care at all.

His chat with Niffty the night before the extermination, for example. Niffty isn't really someone he needs to trick. He has power over her, whether it's because he owns her soul or because of her blind devotion to him. It's telling that while everyone else is hanging out together, sharing drinks at the bar, Alastor keeps his distance and positions himself above them. At this point, Alastor seems to care about them the way we, the audience, care about them; as entertainment. He's enjoying watching their story unfold up close, but that's all there is to it. He admits to Niffty that one could get accustomed to being with them. Not him though! He's above all that.

Then the battle happens. At first, Alastor's role in the battle didn't require him to assume too much risk. He was on crowd control, limiting the number of exorcists the rest of the hazbins have to deal with at once. And he slayed a not insubstantial number of angels in the process***. But then Adam broke through Alastor's shield and singled him out. It would have been reasonable for Alastor to put some distance between himself and the Lead Exorcist. Charlie did say it was his job to deal with Adam, but as I've already discussed, Alastor really had no hope of winning that fight alone. Maybe if he'd escaped right then and there, or fought Adam alongside Charlie things would have turned out differently. Granted, I don't think his pride would have allowed him to take either of those options.

Regardless, the end result is that Alastor did come very close to dying for a cause that wasn't his. Considering what Adam did to the hotel, Alastor's pretty damn lucky he's not in two pieces here.

Now, I don't think this means Alastor is immediately going to turn around and integrate int o the hazbin family. Immediately after this line where he mocks the idea of dying for Charlie's cause, he gets angry again, leans further into the Radio Demon persona and starts contemplating ways to escape his contract. I think, that like someone recoiling after accidentally touching a hot stove, Alastor's going to pull further away from them. One thing I am certain about is how Alastor feels about his leash; he hates it. He wants to be rid of it. He doesn't know how to do that yet, but he's working out a plan and having Charlie in his corner is part of that plan. Giving a genuine shit about her or the other hazbins is not part of that plan. It's another leash, not as literal as the one connecting him to his patron but just as binding.

Alastor realizing he might actually care about these people may just make him more dangerous to them than if he just didn't care at all.

-

(*The word 'altruist' here being used as a title, not a name. Like something you'd see in a newspaper headline, or on a headstone.)

(**There do seem to be some odd eye motifs in the environment, but at no point does Alastor give any indication he is aware of them or acknowledge their presence in anyway. And I highly doubt he would have said certain things if he believed his patron was actively watching him.)

(***Taking this opportunity to go off topic a bit to call the Vees out on their hypocrisy. For all their bluster about 'taking the fight to Heaven' and how 'pussy' the older Overlords supposedly are, I didn't see any of them on the battlefield. Alastor was. He fought as long and hard as he could. There was nothing cowardly about him living to fight another day.)

[cervidaecorpse]

Something something about how both care so much about each other that Phaser founded an entire organisation for Tremolo to no longer be afraid, and Tremolo risking his freedom just to keep one secret of Phaser hidden, yet they lack communication in the worst sense that when Tremolo has an outburst of anger, Phaser goes along with whatever Tremolo asks of him, and Tremolo follows Phaser’s orders no matter how bad or unreasonable they are, instead of doing the rational thing of sitting each other down and talking about the actual problem and solving it like well-adjusted people.

It's like they share one singular braincell that only activates while thinking about solving the problems of others (or the current big problem at hand), but once it's between the brothers it instantly shuts down and "make sure your brother stays unharmed and happy – emergency_protocol.exe" is activated.

Obviously, the one braincell is a joke because the plan they crafted with the other rebels was genius, considering the information they had at the time. The way they communicated with Rovian, Luge and Manya to avoid detection from Yuna was beautiful. Not to mention the way Phaser saw the integration of the MIK employees into Goha Cooperation. Sure, it was involved with a cover up, but the very reasonable thought was still there.

I'm not trying to make light of Phaser and Tremolo or their issues. I don't really want to address their overall problems (and neither do they, like ever) or analyse them, because I'm very bad at analysing anything, lol. I just think they are silly and the absolute worst.

I love them.

Thank you, for coming to my yap session that had me searching the right words to express myself with for almost two years. I'm certain there are other reasons to love them and all of them are valid. These are just my main ones after looking past the pretty privilege and the ocean and mythology themed decks, lol.

[jewishvitya]

Way too often the people who are "not afraid" to "jokingly tease their friends" are not "reading the situation better", they genuinely don't care, and it's pushed in the dominant culture that if you're the target you should be okay with that. I'm rly serious, like, that's a harsh topic for me.

In general "reading the situation" shouldn't really be a thing; if you want to do something but you're afraid that you'll hurt someone, you may ask.

It's fine if something is important for you personally but it is Not something integral to relationships without which they're inherently poorer and which you're Supposed to do, and the cultural norm around this particular thing (although honestly, like, everything) not just in its supposed inherence but in how it's "supposed" to be is bad, actually.

(For context, this is responding to the tags I had here)

Yeah, I don't think my relationships a worse or lacking, I love my friendships. It's just a whole style of interactions that I'm too afraid to touch. My family teases each other a lot, and they all love it. There's literally no one there I could talk to growing up that didn't have some kind of "just jump in, it's fine" response. So it does make me feel left out sometimes.

It's true that this as a social norm carries a lot of assumptions. As if the lines that shouldn't be crossed are universal to everyone, the topics that are sensitive to each individual are socially pre-determined, etc. And this kind of thing doesn't really match with my general... values, I guess? I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound overly serious.

But it's one thing if I decided "I don't like this style of communication and the assumptions it carries, I'd rather just not" but in this case it's not that. It's avoidance out of fear, that started way before I even had this worldview, and had me feeling like I'm frozen in the corner of a room while everyone is chatting. It's not some thoughtful decision that this is a social thing I disagree with, it's just. I don't trust myself to say the right words in the right tone organized the right way. I feel like I'll hurt someone, even if I know them well, even if we spoke about lines and insecurities. Even if I know it's fine because I was told, I'm still scared I'll do it wrong.

Generally it's not that important to me as a thing. I don't feel like I'd enjoy my friendships more if I felt comfortable teasing my friends. It's more the reason behind why I never learned how, that bothers me. Because this is the topic where I know how to explain it best, but this fear of reading situations wrong blocks me in many other ways from many other things. I have friends who tell me I'm blunt, and it's because there's a whole aspect of communication that I just don't know how to do well. I never know the tone that people will take from my words, and how they'll read between the lines and find meanings I never put there. So I can be more explicit about what I want to say, but that can be taken as harsh, which I don't want, so sometimes I struggle to communicate at all.

I'm a very social person. I don't think I'm an introvert by nature. But I have many days where I don't talk directly to anyone, because I feel like I won't be able to find a balance of what to say, how to say it, etc. And that has nothing to do with teasing, it's about any conversation. And I feel so lonely, but everyone is out of reach, because, again, I don't trust myself.

And if I hurt a person enough times, even if they're completely okay with me, forgave me fully, want to be close to me, I feel lost whenever I try to talk to them. Like even my simplest words are daggers and arrows. I lost friendships to that, that neither of us wanted to lose. Because I felt frozen. Which feels like I'm punishing someone else for something I did wrong.

So. Yeah. I focused on one thing because it's the easiest to express, I guess? But it's more than that for me.

[gracefulblabber]

I'd be down to hear you out on why you consider "gender critical" different from "gender puritanical". From my experience with the GC movement, a lot of it is very motivated by transphobia.

Id be more than happy to explain my perspective! For a bit of background: I used to be very anti-terf and would have agreed with your statement several years ago. I changed my mind due to reading what radical feminists actually thought, since prior to that point I had not really engaged thoughtfully with anyone deemed transphobic. I will NOT attempt to change your mind with my words, however, and it is not my goal to convince you of anything. Rather, I want honesty and clarity, since throwing barbs around on the Internet is totally useless.

I consider myself a feminist and rather gender critical, although I don't like labeling myself as a radical feminist in order to avoid the possibility of group think. Rather, I like to develop my beliefs and opinions based on what I learn and read, and allow them to change if necessary.

To your question: how is gender critical different than gender puritanical?

Being gender critical means being critical of gender roles and the concept of gender identity. People who are gender critical do not believe in gender identity, full stop. Some are transphobic and reinforce gender roles while claiming to be gender critical. These individuals are usually conservatives and are not feminists.

I do not believe in gender identity because I do not believe in souls, spirits, or integral aspects of the self that are not tied to the body. When I considered myself non-binary (for approximately 2 years), it was due to internalized misogyny and the belief that my lack of adherence to gender roles made me not a woman. I do not believe this anymore. I believe that "gender" is solely gender roles and socially enforced expectations based upon a person's sex. Most of what I see on the Internet about gender identity seems to be an expression of personality (clothing, hairstyles, etc). My belief is this: a woman can wear whatever she likes, act however she likes, engage with whatever hobbies she likes, fuck whatever sex she likes. None of this makes her less or more female. I am not less of a woman (less female) because I am child free and engaged to a woman: I am just as female as the most feminine straight woman. When I used the non-binary label it felt cloistering, like another set of standards and expectations I had to fulfill so people wouldn't recognize my sex or enforce gender roles on me. I am gender critical in the same way I am an atheist: I do not believe in it but do not get angry with people who do.

A person's sense of self and identity is very personal and I would never tell someone how they must think about themselves. But just as I have never seen proof of God, I also don't see proof that gender identity is anything more than personality and reactions to the pressure of sex based stereotypes.

The inevitable followup to this is, of course, what about trans people?

I believe in bodily autonomy for every adult. The trans people I know personally (who I love and care about!) express deep distress about their sex characteristics or gender based stereotypes, and seek to get rid of it through medical or social transition. Whether it helps their distress is not my business, I just want what's best for them

On the whole, I feel trans people deserve the same rights and freedoms as every other person. Violence against trans people is unacceptable, and I (along with every radfem I've ever heard from) thoroughly reject it. I believe that a person's sex is usually unimportant but occasionally has a meaningful impact. Someone who has gone through male puberty, for example, should not compete in the women's sport category because of the impacts of testosterone on skeletal and muscle growth. But these aren't issues of life and death for trans people.

I hope you were able to get through my massive wall of text! I tried to be as comprehensive as possible. As always, I'm happy to clarify any points or have further discussions.

[wachtelspinat]

Heya~

I often find it very difficult to find the right words, so I apologize in advance if any of what I have to say sounds dry or wrong, but I write it from the heart, I promise🧡

I know how you feel now and how much you get lost when that realization comes along. I learn art all my life, but I don’t succeed anywhere. No matter how long I try to do it, I still keep thinking “well I’m not good enough”. To be honest it scares the shit out of me every day, because if I’ll give up here… well there’s nothing I can do for life than. When I was in school, I was desperately clung to every fandom I had as my last hope to get rid of bad thoughts and I found those two silly characters that stole my heart immediately so of course it’s weird to say but since then Overwatch has become my “home”. It was not the perfect game but it was fun until Ow2 was released. Even if my love for OW is died, I understood that Junkrat and Roadhog took a much more bigger part in my live that I could ever imagine. I thought it was stupid, like come on that’s just a characters from the old and dead game but it turns out they’re not just characters, but in a way, my family or friends that helped me go through a lot of dark times, so it’s okey to love them deeply even if they are not real~

I always wondered, why do I make art? Is it what I really like and enjoy? Is it cost all the struggles and tears? But I found you and I fall in love with your arts immediately. I could have a really bad day in university but then I remember how I just go to your page to rewatch, for only gods knows how many times, your works. I love everything about them, how you can build a perfect shape with just one line, how many expressions and ideas your works have. Your knowledge of the anatomy is just… freaking olympic🤌🏻✨ you gave me the second breath in my path of an artist because looking at your works I was wondering if I ever be able to achieve such a high level and here I’m speaking not only about arts with Junkrat and Roadhog, I speak about every single one that I could find🧡 and I understood that art in general have much much more power in it that anyone thinks. It gives hope, inspiration, safety, emotions and so on~ even without knowing it, you can make another person’s life a little better.

All I wanted to say is - you are a fantastic person, highly talented and hard working. I’m sure everyone who follows your work will support every of your decision. I just wanted to say a big thank you from myself personally for everything you do🧡

hey ! i'm really sorry that it took me so long to respond, last week was just hell on earth. the sheer amount of words you put into this hit me right in the heart, and what you said made me tear up even more.

having a really hard time here to form my words, not only because my brain feels so fried, but because your ask is so sincere and i don't think i can possibly thank you enough. it's so weird, there is this constant battle in my head that everything is futile and trivial and i'm having a hard time seeing some kind of point behind my actions (not only art related). on the other hand, i know that WE give meaning to something. that it's the small things that tends to move mountains. i don't know if i'm making any sense here. point is. by telling me that - in my opinion - my irrelevant art has given you sth, if it's just a smile, new energy to try sth yourself, inspiration... you are shaking my world. and i'm grateful for that in a way i cannot describe.

and seriously, i don't know why we make art. because as you mentioned yourself it is always connected with doubts and despair. before i entered graphic design school back when i was super young i thought drawing was me. the one integral part that made me so ~special~. just to learn that a bunch of people draw, all around the world, and they often draw even better than i could ever achieve! in the last months of being in university i relied a lot on defining myself through my art again. because it immensely helped with my self-concept when everything around me just felt like i wasn't good enough. i'm kind of re-learning again that doing art is not the one thing that defines me. because i tend to heavily lean into that. it is after all the one thing i actually like about myself.

so yeah, thank you so much for reaching out. i love your art and the love you put into it, so i'm hoping that - despite the struggles we all share while being creative - you continue to draw, as so will i <3

(and junkrat and roadhog, man... yeah they're not just characters, they stopped being just characters from a game a long time ago for me. i know i'm a broken record at this point BUT their codependency and independency, the balance between grit and gross and sweet and off-kilter, sweat, tears, blood and some ice-cream on the side, begrudging and thankful - it seems stupid to me too because i know most people just see these comic relief mad max rip-offs but every time i think about their dynamics and some of the stories i've read in fan works it grips my heart and i think "holy shit i love them so. much." - i'm still not done drawing them by a long shot i think, it just feels like i've reached a dead end of some kind? because with little time at hand and even less energy left i struggle to form my thoughts into drawings. but i'm working on that. i'm working on doing some kind of tribute, like a zine with my art from 2016 up to today and some more stuff i've yet to draw (had this idea since 2022 and i've just recently learned SO MUCH about zine making and printing and i finally started putting the first files together). because that feels right, like a proper "here look at this i hope this explains why i love them so much")

[adammbakri]

On “Art” (Conversations with Izz #1)

Me: I want to re-create some of the paintings I did between the ages of four and six! I still have them all! I want to select 8-10 pieces and recreate them, sticking as much as I can to the original color choices, composition, and subjects portrayed. The idea excites me so much!

Izz: Nice, but what does that mean?

Me: What do you mean, 'what does that mean'? Just recreating my visions as a child in light of my vision now.

Izz: But under what theme?

Me: I don't know specifically yet. Maybe childhood? But I honestly don't care about that now.

Izz: You have to! Because in order to reach out to people who might be interested in showcasing your art, it has to be contained within a certain theme, a frame of some sort.

Me: Explain more…

Izz: For example, how can you make it connected to Palestine?

Me: Why does it have to be connected to Palestine? Why can't I create art for the sake of sharing my vision of the world with the world? Things that move me, colors that speak to me… why can't I just create art in order to please the eyes and share beauty?

Izz: Because art is about creating something that can start a discussion, challenge the intellect… That is what the people in the art world are interested in. For instance, what you are creating right now is a "state of being" or an "expression of a state of being". It's not what is "hot" in the art movement nowadays.

Me: Is it not "hot" because it can't be categorized under "discussion worthy" or is it not "hot" because I am a brown artist who paints something broader than his ethnicity or his national identity? Why is it that white artists can paint whatever they want? Why do we have to be "ethnic" even in our art in order to be "hot" and "make sense"?

Izz: You certainly can create whatever you want. And I think in H’ai there is something very profound and unique that I believe has a place. I find it much more interesting than your portraits of Fairuz, for example.

Me: But Fairuz is more than just a colorful "expression of some sort"! Her impact is far more profound. She's not merely beautiful music; Fairuz is a tapestry of memories, locations, individuals, and emotions. Her musical legacy is a significant cornerstone in my life. Her music has been a constant companion since I was four years old! She has journeyed with me everywhere, on trains, cars, and planes, to diverse lands and destinations. Her songs are deeply woven into my emotional fabric, intertwined with scenes of joyous moments and past traumas. In a way, she represents a part of me! She is not just a face of a woman I paint! Yes, I do set certain technical challenges for myself every time I choose to paint something - that's how I grow technically as an artist - but there's a reason why I choose Fairuz. There is so much meaning behind what I choose to paint or draw. So much.

Izz: Beautiful! Did you write about that when you published the painting?

Me: I don’t need to write about why I paint what I paint and what it means to me every time I create something. Can I leave something to the gazer? Can I make her/him feel something without stuffing their minds with words? Are colors sufficient? Can colors convey something as profound as words?

Izz: Yes they can. I think what’s at the core of this discussion is not what you can and cannot do as an artist. You shared your ideas for an upcoming project and I just relayed to you some challenges that you might face. Curation is a big part of my studies at the moment.  Yes it is frustrating at times, and there is so much hypocrisy, and deceit. But at the end of the day part of what we study at art schools is how to preserve the value of art as an integral part of history and culture. A big part of our learning involves preserving art's inherent value as a critical component of history, culture, and the evolution of the human intellect. Art's fundamental value lies in its capacity to make the world a better place by inciting change and fostering connections between diverse races and peoples. Through art, we share the narratives of our histories and cultures. So again you can do whatever you want! As long as your art doesn’t turn into a commodity.  When an artist turns his work into commodity it just stops being art! 

Me: give me an example

Izz: like for example: (he names an artist) he started out beautifully and now all his art is printed on mugs and T-shirts and calendars. It just cheapens it. It’s not art anymore! It’s commerce! A tool for making more money. 

Me: what’s wrong with having your art printed on mugs? Isn’t a mug a valuable object that you use to drink water and coffee every morning?  

Izz: because it’s ugly! Because it’s capitalism at its worse! Mass production… produce produce produce in order to make more profit!

Me: I think the question here is in the intention and not the act itself. Meaning I have to ask myself before I decide to sell my art as prints “why do I want to do that? Is it only for profit? Do I appreciate seeing my art on tshirts and calendars? Does it make me happy? Or is it just for making money.”

Izz: regardless of the intention. The act of mass production cheapens the art. It becomes a “tool” 

Me: but art can be used as a tool!

Izz: I meant function.

Me: and function too… is pleasing the eye a function?

Izz: I see where you are going but turning art into a mere function in my opinion cheapens it. It’s not art anymore.  

Me: I disagree. 

Izz: when you enter a hotel, and see replicas of paintings hung everywhere to fill up space, that’s art? 

Me: I see what you’re getting at but again it depends on the intention.  It is much more complex than you make it sound.  Because there is the intention, and the act, and there is the whole question of money for artists living in the 21st century.   

Izz: I wouldn’t put something in my house produced in millions of copies and used by people everywhere. 

Me: I would if I happen to love that specific object. Do you wear jeans ? Did you paint the walls of your house white?

Izz: It’s not the same thing.

Me: It is!  The color white is both a function and a creative choice for decorating your house. My apartment in NY for examples has only two white walls. The rest are turquoise, light blue, orange& yellow.  Why? Because they aesthetically please me and my wife.  And they sit perfectly with the furniture. They mean something to me. 

Izz: we will agree to disagree 

Me: Indeed! We're in perfect agreement about our disagreement. Now, that's progress! (:

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

first grade

my youngest is in first grade

which means I'm able to access my inner first grader

my inner seven year old very well

my teacher was named Mrs. Hart

and she was so grumpy to everyone

especially to me because I was likely bizarre

but during all my detentions for losing things

or having a messy desk or talking or not paying attention

we'd have the best talks and I slowly grew on her

I also started piano that year

my teacher for that was also named Mrs. Hart

I was not good at the piano and never became so

when it was time for pictures I had a grey front tooth

and my mother was always one who valued

my aesthetics over literally anything else

she had been very good at softball as a teenager

and I'd never been coordinated enough for anything

but video games and art

so when she invited me to play with her

I agreed because a child always wants to play

with a willing and present parent

and since her very inconsistent and hard won approval

was impossible to obtain being myself

or anything I was actually talented or good at

maybe this was a chance to finally make her happy

she threw that ball hard enough at my face

it knocked out my front tooth

but it wasn't hard enough to give me a fat lip

almost impressive how calculated that must have been

she was never good for thinking unless it was

to fuck someone else over to get what she wanted

without just trying to obtain it for herself

no wonder I looked for it in all my partners

it's the bitterness that hurts

that festering anger I forced down after

years of being treated like that turned into acid

and my heart tries to freeze up

so I don't have to feel it

enmeshment with someone who always

saw me as completion so she set me up

time and time again for failure

I hate thinking about her

because like living that life

there's nothing to be done or said

only a deity outside of me could redeem her

that's the rage I've been facing all summer

what's triggered when my ex husband

began treating me exactly like she did

undermining my ideas and talents

telling me not to sing because it was unpleasant

lying to people about me and my intentions

gaslighting me about my history of behavior

projecting onto me all the poison of her soul

she kept to protect someone else she loved

fuck those people and how they made me feel

I have managed and regulated the emotions inspired

the best way I knew how and I was not perfect

but my integrity has a far higher score

than those who have tried to one up me

in morality when I responded to their mistreatment

Andromeda chained naked and cold

to the rock of her own soul

with a sea monster to keep her company

because of the twisted vanity of Cassiopeia

she gave me her middle name of Christine

but it should have been Cassandra

no matter my honesty it was never believed

until even I couldn't believe it

which after thirty some years it's kind of nice

because now I don't give a shit who believes me

in third grade I came up with a story

two little girls who ended up seperated

when one moved to China with her family

her name was Sally but I can't remember the other

she bought a yellow balloon and tied to it

a letter and named it 'Speedy'

and he ended up delivering it

through storms and a journey and trials

when I told my mother about it she offered

to type it up for me on the computer

but when I read it it was no longer my story

she made all these changes and nothing

made sense anymore and the things I wanted

to somehow express as a kid weren't there

the things I cared about and the reasons that mattered

it was all her words and her tale

titled 'Speedy The Friendship Balloon'

I won an award for it and got to go to a conference

but the honors and congratulations weren't mine

they were hers but living through my body

the shame and the confusion and the knowing

of what it was supposed to be and how she somehow

rewrote my entire writing narrative with a story

with my title and characters but none of my words

I suppose as someone writing since I was a child

drawing pictures in stapled paper books

until dictionaries and thesauruses and my obsessive

study of them gave me all the perfect words for everything

to have that kind of betrayal was so deep to me

and I will not brush off her intentions

because her character behaviors shows her patterns

I don't give a shit if she had good intentions

it crushed part of me that I didn't know until now

likely made fresh gravel for a deep fortress of imposter syndrome

and even now I feel myself trying to somehow

take back all these words so I can hug them back to me

hide the shame I feel from this story

but instead I'll take a nap and cry and have compassion

for the bit of self that felt ripped out of me

from a place where I cared the most

the one safe place I felt I had in that life

embrace my vulnerabilities and remind that part of me

things are different now and if I write something

I'm actually going to deserve every and any accolade I get

physically though this is extremely uncomfortable

nervous system completely is completely dysregulated

and needs extra care to be soothed

[kyrodo]

I hate misrepresentation. I hate it when people disrespect another's identity. Whether it's what they say, how they wish to express or identify themselves, whatever. Even if it's an enemy, you don't do that. In the same argument I understand that one of the first things people do when they don't agree with someone or don't like someone, is these little betrayals. Going for words versus what people meant. Picking apart context instead of respecting what people mean to express. Avoiding respect, avoiding taking people seriously, avoiding meaningful responses towards the person they do not wish to acknowledge. People avoid standing on the same level with the people they dislike, even when the ideals they fight for contradict the very behavior they engage in.

Because hate takes priority over one's ideals, over one's morals, over maintaining any level of integrity or tact. All that matters is any little way to offend or dismiss the enemy in front of them. All that matters is hate and any little way to make that known to the enemy.

People that are willing to make that sacrifice just to get back at someone, I will never be able to get along with. I will never want to be friends with.

You showed me that sometimes it doesn't matter how agreeable you are, how well you can process what people mean to say, how cohesive you are, how willing someone is to relent when spoken to with the right channels. There are people that can and will shit all over them regardless. Because hate is the end of understanding. Hate is the end of respect, of common sense, of even common decency. It is the willingness to destroy someone even when the reasons do not line up. Because you've stopped listening, you've stopped caring, and the facts of the matter cease to matter.

How many times did I say I would've left and kept to myself. I lurked and lurked sure, and I would have trouble hiding it, but given time I would have been gone, I would have moved on. It would be one thing if I had kept at it for years. It was months. Rhyme, justifiable reasons, probable cause, all of that is completely lost on you. And that's what gets me the most. You didn't want the conflict to end, you wanted someone to hate. You wasted no effort making sure I couldn't leave.

I would point out all the most random things to try to keep things from ending as an act of desperation wishing there was still hope that things would go well between us. And quickly devolve into dis journals when things didn't pan out the way I'd hoped. But I never came after you. The one who crossed that line was you. The who was setting all these romantic flags, and lying to my face the instant we share any actual words with each other was you. I was angry, sad, scared of what might happen if we got together, miserable, and I wasted no effort showing that. But every time I tried to trust you, you showed me that I couldn't. I deleted my entire social media history out of misery, as an act of self-destruction and instead you took it as me trying to hide shit from you. But you knew long before we shared our first words my actions initially had nothing to do with you. And you kept attacking me from all the wrong angles. Take everything in the most negative way possible just to feed your friends a target.

Who did I fall in love with? It was the idea of you. An idea that was clearly misplaced. I don't know what I saw in you, but I was so incredibly wrong about you. Someone like you should never have been able to leave a stain on my heart. I know I was self-destructive, cause normally I would never want someone like you.

Normally I value myself too much. I value myself enough to be angry whenever my mom says I sound or look sick even when there's no actual visual indication that I am. I value myself enough to no move back home whenever she pushes me to. I value myself enough get pissed off when people mistreat me like you do. I value myself enough to be afraid to join the military and die. I value myself enough that I give a shit when people are being mean to me. I'm not like Lupy who constantly berates himself over every little thing. I value myself enough that instead of doing anything against myself physically I'll push those thoughts onto the internet. There are so many layers I'd have to get through before I would actually start to hurt myself for real.

Because I care. No matter how hard I try not to I care. No matter how hard I try to relieve myself of the last lines of hope I can't remove that last bit of me who sees the future and wonders what it contains for me. And that is what sets me apart from other people who get depressed. Even when I thought all the good times of my life had come and gone and I would never have friends again, I stayed.

You never seem to know what to say. At least I already had someone who does.

[lets-talk-spirituality]

How are you doing today? I know you're taking time to look into posts and reply after. Can I ask also for a birthday reading for myself it is so soon and I don't know when or if I'll get the reading I wanted to ask earlier. I want to ask for it without asking or saying anything to be real because I'm curious what will come up for me. This new age + year will be in. Thank you very much already. I hope we can talk once again soon.🌷

Sure :) Happy early birthday! And can you send in the other request? I know you wanted to send in some asks about the other reading I’m looking for. But if you have other questions you can go ahead and ask them, just use your emoji.

🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Spirit, what do you want our lovely tulip anon to know about this upcoming year?

You need to play it a little safer this year, not because taking risks is a bad thing to do, but because this year isn’t a focus on the external, it’s a focus on the internal. So often in your life, you’ve taken external risks as a way to address boredom and lack of purpose, which are actually internal issues.

This year, you will be focusing internally on how to cultivate a feeling of purpose that comes from within, that comes from mere existence. This lack of purpose is why you feel so empty at times. You don’t actually lack purpose, it’s just you’re defining purpose by human standards when purpose is a more esoteric and internal pursuit.

Purpose can be built up so greatly inside you that it overflows and finds others to bless, but that feeling has to be generated from within. You don’t feel purpose from giving food to people who are hungry, your purpose drives you there. Does that make sense? People pursue it backwards. They think going to give back will make them feel purpose, when really purpose is what would drive you to give back. Purpose comes from within to lead to external actions without.

How to work on purpose this year

- spend a lot of time in reflection about the true motivations behind your actions and desires

- what are the things in your life you feel repeatedly drawn to/the things you can’t not do

- take note of when you feel lit up by life and deeply reflect on what may be creating that spark, look deeper than I just love being friends, is it more that like connecting others, or it’s helping you feel community, go beyond the surface

Card Pull

Chakra Exploration Deck

Throat chakra— is there a relationship in your life that needs more conscious and truthful communication?

Mantra: I choose my words thoughtfully and consciously. I speak transparently, expressing my needs & desires with clarity.

Throat Chakra—in what ways have you repressed your voice or been hesitant to express your truth? How has this effected the unfoldment of your life?

Mantra: Sharing my voice, thoughts & opinions is vital and I speak truth confidently & with ease

These cards flew out, interesting they’re both throat chakra, which is tied to the air element, communication and expression of self.

With the first card, immediately I felt there is some communication with your parents that you need to engage in. I think maybe it’s honesty around your upbringing or honesty about who you are, but I get strongly there is a relationship with a parental figure that you need to be more honest about and when engaging with them. Part of your healing lack of purpose may lie in healing the purpose your parents pushed upon you and reconciling your purpose with the one they wanted for you. You’re hiding some truths and integral deep parts of yourself that are asking to be expressed and I think the first step is honesty with yourself and parents. Big on expressing your needs. Im feeling you probably have repressed them a lot and so actually figuring out your needs and how to communicate them is huge.

I wrote this last bit before even seeing the second chakra card and the word repressed is on there too. It seems like this lack of purpose is directly tied to you showing up authentically in your relationship with self and others. Shedding conditioning we’ve been subjected to for years is challenging but this year, that’s the focus for you, shedding conditioning to get aligned with your truth which allow you to feel purpose which will overflow and bless others.

Hope this helps you! Would love to know how it resonates. And maybe as the year goes on, it would be cool to know how any of what I said comes back around. Anyway, much love to you darling! Blue is your color this year. Go to the ocean also. 🌊🐳

Also here’s a post I did on the throat chakra, maybe it’ll help you.

[aihoshiino]

Reblogging this both bc I think everyone shoudl read it and also to add my own thoughts now it's not 4am and I'm at work in an hour lol

This post articulates something really well that I've been struggling to put into words myself — namely, that Black Hoshigan Ruby felt extremely incongruous with the Ruby who came before her but the supposedly 'recovered' Ruby with her white stars also did not feel quite in step with the Ruby characterization we'd gotten as the foundation for her series-wide arc. I couldn't quite place my finger on why but I think this post really nails all the things that have fallen out of sync, so to speak. It's definitely possible this mismatched characterization is intentional and in-universe — this would not be the first or last time an OnK character has said or thought things about themselves that are patently untrue — but that it goes so unchallenged and is asserted so powerfully implies to me that we're supposed to accept this as truth even when it just doesn't match with what came before.

This speaks to something I've talked about before which is that I feel like Akasaka doesn't have a ton of respect for Ruby's feeling or Ruby as a character in general, at least not to the extent of just allowing her to remain consistently characterized across the story. He's willing to compromise that integrity and consistency as and when it serves the plot which continues the sense that some people have expressed (and I don't entirely disagree with) of Ruby being both underbaked and confused as a character because she undergoes such a major change in ways that are not properly motivated and justified by in-universe narrative events.

TBH, I also feel like this is what happened to Akane in the transition from LoveNow to post Tokyo Blade. Rather than letting her role in the story organically emerge from her existing personality traits and characterization, Akasaka came up with a role he wanted her to play and warped and changed her character accordingly to make it work.

It would be a frustrating trend in any series but especially one like OnK which is so strongly about characters, their behaviour and how their histories and environments cause them to change and act. It becomes hard to get invested in said characterization if the author is just going to change it as he pleases as suits the needs of the plot.

Ruby and the Unplayed Role

(Warning: Long analysis post.)

In Chapter 115 of Oshi no Ko, as Ruby is preparing to take her turn in the interpersonal acting audition, she reflects on her relationship to acting itself – and describes it as running very deep.

And by "the whole time", she seems to mean the whole time. As Sarina, she "played the role" of a girl who faced her circumstances bravely and bore no grudge against her parents for their neglect, because rebelling against those miserable circumstances would have been futile. Upon her reincarnation, "Ai's daughter" too was a role she played, and after Ai's death, she acted as the bright, innocent, non-grieving idol that she believed Ai wanted her to grow up to be. At this point in the story, we've already seen black-starred Ruby hide her vengeful anger behind a smiling facade, but this monologue suggests broad artificiality in Sarina/Ruby's self-presentation even before her vengeance arc.

Notably, Ruby also wonders here whether Ai's bright persona was an act in the same way that hers was:

This helps set the stage for later story beats like the end of Chapter 134, where Ruby again deepens her insight into Ai by personally relating to her.

And then, as if to drive home the point about her own acting, Ruby's turn in the audition consists of her expressing raw, acute grief over Ai and Gorou's deaths...

...before putting on a bubbly mask and acting like the grief isn't real.

Later on, the scene in Chapter 123 where Ruby spills her guts to Aqua seems to elaborate on the nature of the act that she's been putting on:

Ruby has been burying all of her sadness and anger and frustration, seeking to "smile all the time" in order to be loved. She's been performing a sanitized, idealized version of herself out of fear that no one would love the real her. Just like Ai did. Which, again, gives Ruby a powerful avenue for understanding Ai.

But there's an issue with this analysis. If you look back at Ruby's behavior in the manga's early chapters – before she discovers Gorou's corpse, meets the Crow Girl, becomes vengeful and all that – you'll notice that she doesn't actually express unfailing cheer, optimism, kindness, confidence, or generally Ai-like behavior. She doesn't even seem to be trying, really. She's bright and cheerful sometimes, sure – but other times she's unapologetically not, for understandable human reasons.

For instance, there's that time in Chapter 19 when she begs Miyako to hurry in starting an idol group for her to join, openly expressing insecurity about fitting in with her celebrity peers:

Or that time in Chapter 37 when she approaches Kana to confide in her about her stage fright:

(It's hard to imagine Ai seeking out support from a groupmate like this, at least without them opening up to her first in the same conversation.)

Ruby is also not above being rude or hostile to people, even when it's against her own interests, as can be seen in her bickering with Kana in Volume 2:

And then there's Chapter 23, when Ruby gets on Aqua's case about neglecting family time in favor of LoveNow-related activities:

(This is also one of those things Sarina/Ruby does that takes on a new meaning once you learn about her relationship with her original parents.)

There are more examples of pre-vengeance Ruby expressing various negative emotions to others, but I won't belabor the point. In general, I think perceptions of pre-vengeance Ruby as acting consistently cheerful or positive come largely from exaggerating/simplifying the contrast between her and her gloomy brother, or between her and her "darker" future self. They don't reflect her actual behavior.

Now, speaking of Sarina/Ruby's relationship with her original parents, I think it makes sense that a badly neglected child like Sarina would develop a tendency to avoid behaving in any potentially unpleasant ways around her parents, implicitly hoping that they'll want to spend more time with her that way. I also think it makes sense that she would extend this strategy to other relationships, given the formative role of one's relationship with one's parents – especially in Sarina's case, due to her isolation.

Importantly, though, we don't see Sarina trying to perfectly sanitize herself in her interactions with Gorou. Indeed, they both seem quite comfortable teasing each other (in flashbacks both from earlier chapters and from more recent ones):

The fact that Sarina doesn't walk on eggshells with Gorou suggests that she's relatively secure in her relationship with him, rather than fearing that failure to get along with him flawlessly will drive him away. I think this means Ruby's characterization in the early chapters is compatible with Sarina's later-revealed backstory if we understand Sarina's relationship with Gorou as also having been formative, teaching her that she doesn't need to act perfect to be loved. I also think this interpretation helps elucidate why Gorou means so much to Sarina/Ruby: his robust, reliable love and care for her gave her a level of confidence and security in herself that she didn't have before.

Now, what about Ruby's grief over Ai's death? Don't Chapters 115 and 123 imply that to be the single most prominent feeling that pre-vengeance Ruby was burying beneath her acting? How do the early chapters portray the effect of Ai's death on Ruby? Is that portrayal compatible with 115 and 123 (interpreted the way I did earlier)?

I am again going to argue: not really, no. 115 and 123 have Ruby recall "[acting as if] overcoming my mother's death, becoming a bright and innocent idol" (115) while secretly thinking "it'd be easier if I could just forget about her" (123). They seem to portray Ruby's past coping strategy for Ai's death as avoidant in nature; she tried to avoid letting the tragedy affect her or ideally even thinking about it at all. However, the early chapters portray Ruby's coping strategy for Ai's death as distinctly un-avoidant. Allow me to explain.

Starting off, Chapter 10 shows us Ruby's behavior in the days following Ai's death. We first see her reading social media reactions to Ai's murder and expressing anger and distress at people saying she was asking for it if she had a secret relationship, while Aqua listens silently:

A while later, though, after Ai's funeral – in fact, starting in the very next panel – Ruby and Aqua have the following conversation:

This conversation is echoed in Chapter 12, after the post-prologue timeskip, when Ruby, Miyako, and Aqua talk about Ruby joining the underground idol group:

In both conversations, Ruby doesn't deny her family members' claims about the hardships of idolhood, but she expresses a desire to become an idol anyway, not wanting to let the hardships stop her. After all, Ai sparkled, and Ruby wants to be like her.

(To reiterate, by the way, pre-vengeance Ruby's desire to "be like Ai" does not seem to involve never showing any negativity in her personal life. And it's not even as if Ruby never saw any negativity from Ai to begin with; see e.g. Chapter 4.)

But what does this drive of Ruby's have to do with her grief over Ai's death? After all, Ruby has wanted to be an idol – and to be like Ai – since before she was Ruby. She didn't need Ai to die to want those things. And how would her idol ambitions even psychologically relate to processing her grief?

Well, I think we get a pretty good look at a relation between them later on, starting in Chapter 41. This chapter opens with Ruby talking in her thoughts to "Mama in heaven", telling her about developments in the twins' lives from the past few months (which also serves to fill in and recap for the reader). After the recap, Ruby reassures Ai that she's doing well, and then we get these panels:

Ruby believes that performing at a dome – the elite opportunity that Miyako in Chapter 8 told us was "everyone's fantasy" – was also Ai's fantasy. But Ai's dreams of soaring to maximum fame as an idol were dashed by her murder. And now Ruby has taken it upon herself to fulfill them in Ai's stead, giving her another major reason to pursue idolhood.

We see Ruby visiting Ai's grave again and giving her more updates a couple in-universe months later in Chapter 72. Ruby tells her about the upcoming trip to Miyazaki, Aqua having become more cheerful lately, and then:

All of this implies that Ruby has been visiting Ai's grave and connecting with her memory in this way every few months for who-knows-how-long, and she has no intention of stopping.

This is not the behavior of someone who is trying to avoid giving mental space to the death of a loved one. On the contrary, pre-vengeance Ruby repeatedly confronts herself with the concrete fact of Ai's death and responds to it with mental fight rather than flight. The dark side of the idol world may have killed Ai's body, but it hasn't killed her spirit. Ruby copes with the tragedy of Ai's death by turning it into motivation – to preserve Ai's memory, to take up her mantle, to defy the darkness to ensure that her spirit lives on.

So what should we make of these discrepancies in Ruby's characterization between the earlier and later chapters? Honestly, I'm not completely sure. Maybe there's some way in which all of this makes sense after all. Maybe something got lost in the translation from Japanese to English? Maybe some of Ruby's recollections in Chapters 115 and 123 that we've assessed are meant to apply specifically to her vengeful self, or to the times when she was making public appearances? Maybe Akasaka deliberately wrote some of those recollections to be wrong to show that Ruby's awful present mental state is distorting her memories and sense of self? It seemingly wouldn't be the only case of that happening; Ruby appears to claim in Chapter 122 that the reason she became an idol in the first place was to avenge Ai and Gorou, which we know isn't true (and which Aqua also refuses to believe).

However, I think we should also consider the possibility that Akasaka just changed his mind about how he wanted to write Ruby partway through the manga, and the discrepancies in her characterization are artifacts of that without a good in-story explanation. For instance, maybe Akasaka only nailed down the details of Ruby's role in the Movie arc relatively recently, and the things he wanted to do with her required her to be able to personally relate to Ai in ways that didn't line up with her established characterization. So Akasaka tried to reframe what he'd written before to make Ruby more similar to Ai in certain ways, without complete success.

If this hypothesis is true, then Ruby isn't one fully consistent character throughout the whole manga; we have to distinguish "Old Ruby" and "New Ruby" at a minimum. And that idea disappoints me; Ruby is one of my favorite OnK characters, and inconsistencies of this size in her character progression interfere with my ability to appreciate it as it continues into the future. I also just kinda like Old Ruby better than New Ruby; I think Old Ruby better distinguishes herself from Ai and contrasts her in an interesting way. Old Ruby (pre-vengeance) is a person who knows the feeling of loving and being loved, values living authentically, and largely succeeds at it from day to day, but is nevertheless building her life on a couple of big lies and misunderstandings. (Ai didn't dream of the dome; Ai didn't want her children to remain a secret forever; the Ai who Ruby has dedicated herself to honoring is not the real Ai.) I think a character like that is a valuable addition to a story like OnK, and I'm disappointed at the idea of Old Ruby's arc never getting a proper, non-retconning second half and conclusion.

[makingspiritualityreal]

Turns out I'm Inspirational?

Something really positive that happened to me, that I only fully integrated now consciously into my reality.

I used to have a very big fear of sharing myself. I was raised to believe that the only thing that I had to offer publicly, that was of any worth, was my objective achievements, dry knowledge and facts, and my personal impressions were not useful or important enough, and even if I already had them they needed to be tailored to people's needs and expectations in a specific way in order for me to be accepted at all.

Then life pushed me to express my feelings into writing. I had so many thoughts swirling inside me, so many emotional burdens crushing me, and writing really helps me organise myself and my own thoughts inside my head. Kind of like writing a diary is a meditative practice to some people. But because I still have the emotional desire to be useful, I feel the need to share my impressions, because it feels unsatisfying, useless and selfish to keep what I have concluded to myself. If at least one person benefits from my journey, I consider it a success. Yet at the same time, the negative conditioning I received was clashing with that need and was making me feel very awkward whenever I was posting anything. I knew objectively that I was being too nervous about it, that people don't really care because they have their own lives, but my past traumas of being bullied and mocked so severely made me feel like I was going to get punished whenever I would express myself honestly.

Nevertheless, I felt forced to do it, simply because I needed a resolution and I didn't want to endlessly carry this amount of emotional pressure. I decided that I don't care who laughs at me or hates me for it, I still need to be myself and stifling it any longer would be just too unhealthy. And then the most amazing thing happened. Every time I took that internal risk, people came back to me with words of encouragement. I received so many nice comments and even private messages, so much more support than I expected. People related to what I've been going through, felt compassion for me and some even expressed admiration for me as a person.

But most amazingly, many people said that they found my personal thoughts and conclusions just as inspiring as my astrology writing. They found it a useful learning tool...they thought I was inspiring, which is something I achieved simply by being myself, without having to work hard for it.

I still have passion for astrology and have many observations prepared that I will share. But I do that when I feel like doing it, and an enormous weight and sense of guilt that plagued me in the past whenever I wasn't "working" stopped burdening me, when I realised how much I inspire others automatically, just by breathing. It is so painful to go through life constantly accompanied by a harsh, emotional internal critic that dismisses your more fragile emotions and constantly yells at you internally "do something productive already and quit whining, or you're useless". It shows exactly how fun my life has been up to that point, if my mind had to create this particular coping mechanism. It takes active work to remove that kind of thinking process from your mind, and it is not easy.

It was such an unexpected blessing to me when the fragile, emotional energy I carry inside me that I was so afraid of sharing turned out to be something appreciated and objectively useful to others. Now, I don't have to feel like I haven't done "anything" just because I spoke from a more vulnerable place. Because me doing that can mean something to someone. Even if I take a break for some time, I will eventually come back to share my conclusions anyway, because sooner or later I will always have that urge. And the fact that I could achieve that in the most challenging moments of my life is a reward that I never expected to receive.

[thewidowsghost]

Stay Strong, Alex - Part 3

Part 1

Part 2

"Detective (L/n)," Rick sneers. "And they say there's never a cop around when you need one."

"So you know me?" (Y/n) asks, her voice soft.

"Of course," Rick answers. "I took a whole year planning this. Watching Alex, preparing," (Y/n) folds her hands together and she can hear Kara pacing behind her near the door. "I know everything."

"How did you know I was Supergirl?" Kara snarks.

"That day at the beach," Rick replies. "Before you started wearing glasses." He pauses. "I had no idea that Alex would end up playing for the other team, so to speak." (Y/n) swallows thickly. "I was just happy she showed up on the date. And then there was a crash. And Alex's kid sister walked away without a scratch," Rick says calmly, looking up at Kara, who standing over (Y/n)'s shoulder. "People at school said it was adrenaline, but, uh . . ."

"But you didn't believe that," (Y/n) finishes, her head tilting a little.

Rick nods, "I saw Kara Danvers do something amazing. And it stayed with me. I knew Kara was living in National City, and then Supergirl showed up in National City . . ." Rick chuckles. "I put two and two together. I knew it was you."

"What happened to you?" Kara asks softly. "I remember when Alex had chickenpox, I was eating lunch by myself," Kara's voice sounds a little wistful as she remembers the Earth portion of her childhood. "You came and sat with me."

Rick chuckles again. "I was fourteen," as Rick begins, (Y/n) rises from her chair to lean against the table. "And I didn't have the nice house or the perfect family that you and your sister had."

"You think we had it easy?" Kara asks skeptically. "You have no idea what Alex sacrificed for me. Or what I was going through!"

"Why?" Rick sneers. "Because you had to hide your superpowers? I was hiding bruises!" Rick is yelling now and (Y/n) had taken half a step backward. "Do you have any idea what it's like to have your mother tell you your garbage every single night?" The blonde man makes eye contact with (Y/n) and the young woman crosses her arms. "A belt whenever you had the wrong opinion? And then I found a lifeline. A father my mom kept from me. And he saved me from her and he moved me away from Midvale. And even though he was always struggling, he always made sure there was food on the table and he got me enough money to go to college. And then three years ago, the state took him from me."

"Your father killed two people," (Y/n) says, her voice low. "He confessed."

"They had it coming," Rick growls and (Y/n) straightens, her arms still folded over her chest. "And now I'm going to rescue him like he rescued me." Rick pauses. "I can't believe we're still talking about me! You have twenty-four hours and eleven minutes." Kara stiffens as Rick continues, "Come on, Kara, show us some of that rah-rah Midvale Junior High Spirit." Rick is yelling now. "Free my dad! Or your sister dies."

Kara growls, zooms over, flips the table, and pins Rick to the wall.

"Oh, you use half this much gusto in springing my dad, you'll have your sister back for game night."

"Kara! We're done here!" (Y/n)'s voice cracks.

Kara lets go of Rick and the man drops to the ground. "Hey. You know what'll be fun?" Rick asks. (Y/n) frowns, an eyebrow raising as she steps back from the man. "Finding out which one of you loves her more." (Y/n) closes her eyes momentarily, a wave of anguish washing over her. "Honestly, I wouldn't know where to place my bet," Rick sneers and (Y/n) swallows thickly.

Kara frowns at the man and after a minute, the two women go to leave the room, (Y/n) pausing for a second.

"Go Stallions," Rick grins.

Just outside the room, Kara speaks, "I'm giving him one minute, then I'm going back in there."

"No," (Y/n) says and Kara turns to look at her, Kara's eyes blazing.

"Why?" Kara snaps.

"Let him sweat it for a while," (Y/n) tells her, her voice softer than usual as she talks to her girlfriend's sister. "We got what we wanted."

"What?" Kara asks. "All we know is how he knows my identity."

"We know that Rick's pinned his whole sense of self-worth on Peter Thompson," (Y/n) explains, her voice still soft. "Thompson is the key to getting Alex back."

Kara's blazing eyes seem to extinguish as she considers (Y/n)'s words.

. . .

An hour or so later, (Y/n) and Peter Thompson walk into Rick's integration room.

(Y/n) closes the door behind Thompson.

Rick grins down at the table, before standing up after a moment.

"Ricky," Thompson says with a smile.

"Dad," Rick says, and the two embrace.

"All that time in prison, I imagined a day when . . . I could talk to you without a pane of glass between us."

"The DEO moved heaven and Earth to free this man," (Y/n) says. "We did what you wanted. Now, tell us where Alex is."

"No. No, not until my father and I are far from here," Rick says.

"You think we're stupid?" (Y/n) asks. "I showed you mine. Your turn."

"So you can toss us in Gitmo?" Thompson asks. "Not gonna happen."

(Y/n) shakes her head in disbelief.

"Maybe he gives you a piece. A little token of goodwill," Thompson adds. "You gotta give them something, Ricky. That's how it works. Just tell them where she is." Thompson narrows his eyes at his son.

"Well, you really nailed his essence, I'll give you that," Rick says.

"What?" (Y/n) asks, stepping forward, her arms crossing.

"I mean, that thing . . ." Rick says, studying his father's face. "He couldn't decide whether to hug me or not. That's vintage Dad." Rick sits back down in his metal chair.

"What are you talking about?" Thompson asks, walking up to stand beside the table.

"My father would never be playing these games. He'd be wanting to get the hell away from here and making sure that he never went back to prison," Rick's expression is one of anger. "I've been planning this for a year. Do you really think I didn't prepare for you," Rick pauses, looking up at Thompson, "Martian?"

Thompson walks over to (Y/n) and shifts back into himself.

"You're down to twenty-three hours and fourteen minutes," Rick says as he gazes at (Y/n) and J'oon. "And counting."

(Y/n) closes her eyes, pressing her index finger and thumb to the bridge of her nose.

. . .

Winn runs down the hall. "Guys! We found Alex. I found her."

Kara - who is standing with Mon-el - turns to face Winn. "You did?" Kara asks frantically.

"We got a ping from her subdermal tracker," Winn explains. "She's not far!"

. . . 

Back in the interrogation room, (Y/n) is sitting across from Rick, her hands folded and resting on the table in front of her.

"(Y/n)," Kara says, opening the door to the room. "Winn found Alex."

"What? How?" (Y/n) asks quickly, rising from her chair to look at Kara.

"I guess you underestimated my sister," Kara says, looking past (Y/n) to look at Rick. "Let's go."

But (Y/n) pauses, turning to look at Rick. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"You're delusional," Kara sneers. "And the second we get back here with Alex, you're going to prison with your dad."

"Don't say I didn't warn you," Rick says with a shrug, and fear surges through (Y/n)'s heart.

Kara strides out of the room and (Y/n) meets Rick's eyes, holding the stare for a moment.

(Y/n) runs out of the room. "Watch him," (Y/n) tells the guard as she runs past him after Kara. "Hey, stop," (Y/n) tells Kara. "Malverne still thinks he's in control," (Y/n) tells her.

Kara turns, looking highly annoyed with (Y/n) at this point.

"He's not acting like someone who just lost," (Y/n) continues. "He didn't even flinch. It's like he expected this."

"No, no, no, we are not listening to that psycho," Kara says, walking closer to (Y/n). "Every minute we wait for matters."

"I - I want to get her as badly as you do," (Y/n) retorts, "but we can't punch our way out of this. We've got to get this right."

"If the shoe were on the other foot, Alex would already be out the door. I'm not waiting," Kara argues.

"You're not the only one who cares about her!" (Y/n) says, her voice rising.

"I'm going!" Kara yells over her shoulder as she strides out of the DEO.

(Y/n) swallows thickly and looks at the ground.

. . .

Kara flies across the city and lands in a warehouse, crashing through the roof.  

"Kara!" comes a faint voice.

"Alex!" Kara yells in reply.

"I'm down here!"

Kara runs over to a metal plate on the floor and bends the metal, puling up the plate. Throwing the plate aside, Kara freezes, reading the writing on the wall: 'NOW YOU HAVE FOUR.'

"Four?" Kara asks. "What . . ." There is a rapid beeping and the timer next to the computer screen flashes to four hours.

. . .

In Alex's cell, water begins rushing into the cement cage. Alex, panicking, grabs her jacket to try to plug the pipe.

. . .

"Oh, my God," Kara whispers, her voice full of fury.

. . . 

Kara walks back into the DEOs' headquarters, holding the laptop in one hand. 

Entering Rick's room again, Kara sets the laptop on the table. 

"Where is she?" Kara asks, her voice steely. 

"I told you not to go . . ." Rick says calmly. 

"Tell me where she is now!" Kara thunders, slamming her hands down on the table. 

"I gave you thirty-six hours to break my father out of prison," Rick replies. "But you didn't listen. So now, that room is gonna fill up with water in less than four hours. I think it's time you got moving."

Kara's lip quivers. "Let me talk to Alex."

Rick leans forward and presses a few of the keys and there is a beep. 

Kara turns the laptop around and leans down to talk to her sister through the computer. 

"Alex," Kara says, her voice quavering. 

"Kara! I sent out a signal, I thought you were coming," Alex says, the water up to her waist now. 

"He re-routed the IP address. He sent us somewhere else. Do you have any idea where you are?" 

"I was unconscious. I could be hours away or I could be in the city," Alex replies, a frown spreading across her face. "I don't know."

Rick leans forward. "Alex, it's Rick. It don't want to hurt you. I keep on telling your sister that. Tell her to get my father, and this can all be over. You can come home and get dry."

"No. Kara, no," Alex says, pointing at the camera. "You do not give that terrorist what he wants. You cannot let yourself be blackmailed. You cannot open yourself up to that, ever. Do you understand me? Supergirl is better than me."

(Y/n) enters the room and, seeing Alex on the screen, runs over. "Alex!"

"(Y/n)?" Alex asks. 

"I'm right here," (Y/n) replies. 

"(Y/n), I need to speak to you alone," Alex says, and (Y/n) grabs the laptop and walks out of the room. 

(Y/n) stands down one of the hallways. "Hun, everyone here is working hard and we're going to find you." 

"The water is rising fast and there are things that I need to say," Alex says, her voice cracking a little. 

"No," (Y/n) says, tears welling up in her eyes. "Don't start talking like this is the end."

"I don't want it to be, but in case that it is . . ." Alex says, pausing for a moment. 

"It's not," (Y/n) whispers. "It can't be. You're a badass, Alex. And if anyone could figure out a way to get themself out of there, it's you. You're gonna hold on until I find you," (Y/n)'s voice cracks, and a tear slides down her cheek. 

"(Y/n), listen to me, please," Alex tries to get out.

"No," (Y/n) argues desperately. "We just had our first Valentine's Day and I want to do more with you. I want more firsts. I want a first vacation. We haven't even argued about where we're gonna go yet, and it's bound to happen. Or what to name our first dog. Do you want to get a dog?" 

(Y/n) lets out a watery laugh. "See, there's a lifetime of firsts that we're going to do together. So," (Y/n)'s voice quavers, "you hold on, okay? Hold on until I get to you. You promise. Promise me!" 

"Yeah, um . . ." Alex pauses, scratching the back of her neck. "Let's name her Gertrude or we could adopt one from the animal shelter you volunteer at." 

"I -" Alex tries to say, but the video cuts out. 

"What?" (Y/n) whispers, typing furiously on the keyboard. "Alex!" (Y/n), frustrated with worry, tosses the broken laptop to the ground. 

"What happened?" Kara asked, striding over to (Y/n). 

(Y/n) meets Kara's gaze, her eyes alight with barely controlled anger. "I-I told you not to rush in. N-now you've made things worse."

"I did what I thought was right . . ." Kara argues. 

"I should have been heard," (Y/n) says, her eyes narrowing. "I should have been listened to. I'm her girlfriend."

"I'm her sister!" Kara argues angrily. 

"And you think that trumps me?" (Y/n) asks. "That you know what's right for her. I . . ." (Y/n) falters. "I got her to be herself, Kara." (Y/n)'s voice cracks. "I-I have just as much to lose as you." (Y/n)'s eyes burn. "You should have listened to me."

Word Count: 2,305 words

Taglist:

@procrastinatingsapphictrash

@makegoodchoices

@fanboy7794​

@theofficialzivadavid​

@confusinggemini612​

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 27

First time reader click here

TWs/Summary: If you read carefully, you knew this; if you didn't: reader was drugged at the party. Hangover from Hell ft. boys being cute, Loki being best friend material and reader fully integrating him into the Gen-Z community via Monster energy drinks and depressive music whilst being sad. I live for Loki/reader friendship tbh.

So folks, this is the last big plot thing before the endgame. I reckon it's about 10-15 chapters left until out happy ending and the next bit is going to focus on developing reader's and Stephen's relationship. There will be smutty parts too - either chapters or interludes, idk, depending on how well they'll integrate into the story.

I love y'all.

Ow, was my first thought upon waking up. My head throbbed something fierce, the pressure behind my eyelids was unbearable and my mouth tasted like a bog on a sunny summer's day. I was warm, from both sides, and one of the bodies felt foreign in everything besides the smell - sandalwood leaked through the lead curtain of alcohol and sex.

Needless to say, I had trouble piecing together the fine details of last night but had enough coherence to remember our... Activities. I was sore and Strange's long arm was still possessively draped over both me and Tony. The luck was on my side as I carefully wiggled out of his grasp, padding to the bedroom on quiet feet. The sorcerer barely moved, only grumbling briefly at the loss of my warmth and immediately quieting, shamelessly snuggling into Tony.

I would have not exaggerated if I said it was the worst hangover of my life. It was baffling, really, because I'd gone way wilder and didn't suffer half as much after effects; my first attempt to brush my teeth ended with my face resting against the toilet bowl, my empty stomach rejecting what little liquid in it was left as the room spun on its axis. That was incredibly embarrassing and I hoped my boys wouldn't wake up to witness my best impression of a bum - and they didn't, both men still sound asleep and interwined like snakes when I put on the shirt closest to me and departed in search of coffee.

My mood only worsened. Steve and Bucky were already up, shoveling an impressive amount of eggs and bacon, as Bucky quietly teased Steve about his own hangover. The blonde man was slightly greenish, disheveled - we traded equally glum looks and nodded to each other in silence. The smell of food made my stomach churn and I retreated, one black coffee in hand, towards Bruce's lab, having been informed by Friday that neither Tony not Stephen planned on waking up.

"Morning, Princess," Bruce smiled kindly, pushing his glasses out of the way to hold me close and give me a sweet kiss. "Had fun? The boys still asleep?"

I giggled at Bruce calling Tony and Stephen boys. "Yeah. I wouldn't be wearing Stephen's shirt if he was up and about, I think." I pointed out the obvious.

Bruce chuckled, holding my face to give me a long, thoughtful look. I stared back, hoping convey my respect and adoration without having to say a word; like Tony, I wasn't particularly apt when it came to talking feelings. Whatever Bruce was looking for, he found it, and sealed it with another kiss, twice as long and twice as sweet. We stood like that, my head on his shoulder and my arms firmly holding him to myself, until the elevator dinged behind the glass wall, revealing a shirtless Stephen and Tony in his pajama pants, both men bickering animatedly.

"Aw shit, here we go again," I rolled my eyes, unhappy about the possibility of the magic being broken. I rather preferred all three men to be like yesterday: friendly, kind and relaxed.

"I will kick them out if I have to," Bruce shrugged, turning me around to face them.

Tony smiled, seeing me, stopping mid-conversation. "Princess, I am disappointed in your lack of manners. You left me with Merlin and he is mean." The engineer unceremoniously snatched me from Bruce and smooched me, hangover breath and all.

"Gross, Tony," I rolled my eyes, giving the man a light shove in the chest. "Morning, Steph," I addressed the third man who had gone back to his usual stoic expression. Just to see his resolve crack, because I loved pushing his buttons, I gave him a good morning kiss too, and was unexpectedly blown away by the eager response from his side. As I pulled back, I noticed his cheeks dusting a light pink.

"I came to get my shirt but I think you'd rather keep it," The sorcerer's fingers caressed my skin beneath the collar of his shirt, voice still low and scratchy from sleep and those magnetic eyes fixated on the exposed flesh of my chest, no trace of previous awkwardness.

"You sure 'bout that?" I pushed one of the sides off, exposing my shoulder, seeing Tony gulp the remainder of my coffee, one hand already messing with the screen that Bruce was focused on. "I think I look better without it," I would never miss an opportunity to tease the uptight man.

"Quite," He grinned, "It's a shame I didn't get to see much last night..." Two could play this game, okay.

"Oh, but you will," Tony piped up suddenly, a hint of smugness in his voice barely covered by Bruce's fond chuckle. I really didn't know what to say, suddenly overwhelmed with the attention, my emotions amplified by the hangover - party drugs tended to exaggerate my anxiety on the comedown.

And what a comedown it was. My social energy ran out very quickly so I complained about a nasty headache and retreated into my room, Bruce's gentle hands pressing a bottle of Ibuprofen into my own. Despite my attempts to tame my rioting body, it got worse before it got better and shortly before lunch, I had thrown up twice more. Pissed off, I ran a bath with cold water and sat in it until I felt somewhat human to prepare myself for a journey to Wanda's apartment - as a last resort, I was going to chug on of Pietro's Monster energy drinks that I knew he kept hidden there.

The retrieval was a success. Cans securely hidden in the kangaroo pocket of Tony's oversized hoodie I had thrown on, I had to make a haste detour to throw up once again - the closest bathroom was in Loki's apartment and I only managed to knock twice before throwing open the door and making a mad dash for the porcelain throne, a very confused Asgardian following my movements with raised eyebrows.

"Hangover from Hell," I croaked once the first wave subsided. Loki nodded in understanding, waved a hand to summon me a water bottle and shut the door behind himself.

As I sat there, desperately trying to understand why was I feeling like utter shit... It clicked. Bile rose to my throat once again, and I just dry heaving, mulling my revelation over and over again.

I didn't take any drugs. I had been drugged. My memories became hazy and dream-like shortly after someone had given me the drink... Someone, who? It was a split-second moment; Sam, even in his drunk state, didn't keep his eyes off me for too long. Maybe it had been someone the team knew? Possibilities began playing out in my head. Cursed was my overactive brain - the anxiety from the leftover drugs was making me panic.

"Fuck, FUCK," My hands shook - I only noticed it because I had spilled water on myself, adding cold and wet to the unpleasant sensations I was already experiencing. "Why am I such a fucking fuck-up." Taking a drink from a stranger seemed downright idiotic now. Middle school bullshit.

"Are you alright?" Loki's worried voice interrupted my inner monologue.

"Yes," I replied, voice cracking. "No. I don't fucking know."

The door all but flew open, the Asgardian taking several long strides to take a good long look at me. The frown on his face tells me all I needed to know about my physical and mental state.

A slender hand tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear. "What happened?"

I laughed tersely, feeling tears to begin welling in the corners of my eyes. "I'm an idiot," Seeing his face get annoyed briefly, I conceded: "I got drugged yesterday. My drink."

The hand that he had slid between my shoulder blades froze. I felt his whole body go rigid and his nostrils flare, the smell of ozone and something foreign - magic - filling the small space. The air around us became charged with the power of his anger. "Pardon?" His voice was dangerously quiet.

I physically fought with the need to flinch away from him, settling for lowering my eyes and staring at the dark stain on my hoodie. "I got carried away dancing. Someone handed me a drink and my stupid ass just shotgunned it," I confessed, picking at the wet spot. "And I can't tell anybody because I had a threesome with Stephen and Tony," I suddenly realised, my voice raising in pitch. "They're gonna think I didn't want it and feel bad. You know how Tony blames himself for everything under the sun..." Another wave of dizziness and nausea hit me as I leaned against the wall closest to me.

"Alright," Loki conceded after a brief pause. "We absolutely are telling the others. I'll make sure they understand," The Asgardian stated firmly in a tone that bore no argument. Seeing me lift my head to protest, he interrupted me before I could say anything: "Did you... Did you want it?" He asked me, hooking a single finger under my chin to look me in the eye.

I nodded, feeling my face heat up.

"You're not lying. The team knows of my ability to detect lies. Nobody will blame anyone..." Loki trailed off, obviously already plotting something. I wished it were a prank both of us were conspiring on instead of... Trying to make sense of this cluster fuck of a shit show. The circus called, they seemed to have left their clowns behind. "Although I will have a word with Sam." The Asgardian muttered darkly.

"No, it's not his fault. I just got too relaxed, I need to pucker up and be responsible for myself," I protested, damn well knowing it wasn't the Bird's fault. Everyone was drunk and I should've known better.

"It's not yours either," Loki sneered, seeing right through my self-loathing. It took a deep, slow sigh for him to calm down. His expression softened and the hand that was on my back resumed the gentle stroking as he scooted closer to me to press my side against his chest. "Vile people of this kind aren't exclusive to Midgard. It could have happened to anyone."

I nodded, my logical part briefly taking over as the waves of nausea and dizziness waned. I stifled a giggle, coming to another sudden revelation. "You holding up my hair as I barf out my hangover? That makes you qualified for the position of my Best Friend," I stated with a snort.

Loki chuckled, relaxing bit by bit. "I accept the position," His voice was unusually soft and a little bit shaky; I chose to tactfully ignore it. "Shall I call for assembly in the war room?"

I sighed, the dread and anxiety creeping it's way back in. "Can we just... Wait a bit? I have something- hold on-" I rummaged around my pocket, taking out two cans of Monster. Loki eyed them curiously and I extended one to him. "It probably won't do much for you but for me it's a last-resort hangover cure." I popped open the metal cap, seeing him do the same. "Be warned though, it tastes kinda funky if you're not used to it," I announced the disclaimer but it simply egged Loki on.

The scrunched up face he made was pretty funny. "It's sour but sickeningly sweet at the same time? I can't tell," He briefly eyed the written ingredients on the can.

"There are a bunch of flavors. Pietro likes the plain one, I like the purple one better, it's not so tongue-burning." I paused to inhale loudly. "If this is what college life looks like, I don't want to go," Mustering up my courage and gathering my balls in a knot, with one broad motion I closed my nose and poured the carbonated acid down my throat until my eyes watered. "Gimme a minute," I hiccuped, trying to keep it down.

Wide-eyed, Loki took a chaste sip of his own drink, eyeing me warily. He looked part impressed part disgusted with the little stunt. "I am pretty certain that is counter-productive."

"Caffeine make brain and body go skrrt," I argued back. "Friday, play my "grant me the sweet release of death" playlist. I'm upset," I announced and the AI obliged silently, the first notes of Placebo's 'Exit Wounds' beginning to play. If I was going to mop in a stranger's bathroom, I was going to do it with style. Even if said style was just simply stealing in my own misery with emo background music.

Loki stared at me, I stared back, both of us lost in our respective minds. At one point, he began swaying to the music slightly, resting the cool tin of the can against his cheek; I followed suit, mouthing along to some of the lyrics. It took us about a dozen songs to finally finish the liquid acid that was Monster energy drink and my ass felt like the bathroom tile itself: flat and hard.

"Do you ever feel like the universe just hates you for no fucking reason?" I groused, taking Loki's outstretched hand and slowly feeling the blood rush back to my legs.

"You wouldn't believe," He rolled his eyes in solidarity, vanishing away the empty containers. "Norns, give me a Hel-damned break."

I laced his arm through mine as we exited his apartment, feeling considerably less upset than I was before. I couldn't protect myself, but one look at Loki's sullen, irritated expression was bound to scare off anyone who dared to interrupt our mission.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​ @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @cutenessloading @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie @mikariell95

[puresephone]

alright motherlovers i’m going to be intuiting this here tarot spread. i asked some of my beautiful decks for the overall message and energy for today, 11/11! today is a very special and magickal day especially in regards to twin flames and twin flame energy.

anywho lets get into the reading. okay so this is my first ever reading so it might be sloppy but we’re just gonna roll with it bless

so the first card we have is transformation (aka the death card) which is ruled by scorpio. it’s all about change and letting go of the past to embrace renewal or new beginnings. let go of unhealthy attachments, fears, and grudges that may be holding you back from this opportunity for another chance or a more fulfilled life.

clarified by the eight of wands in reverse, the message i’m getting is to NOT RESIST THIS CHANGE. go with the flow, but don’t rush blindly into situations today ill-prepared and don’t try to run from or delay these changes. full moon in taurus is tomorrow which reminds us to let go of old energies that no longer serve us, while remembering change is the only constant in life.

ask yourself (from the guidebook): are there loose ends that need to be tied up? are there people in my life i need to express myself to? what needs to be completed so i can have a fresh start?

then we have power (aka strength, ruled by leo) in the reverse, which for this deck, just means to pay extra attention to it.

this card is calling you to remember you have all the inner strength and willpower you need to deal with these changes ahead of you, if you are someone who finds change hard to manage.

remember to approach every situation from a place of love. set aside the time to resolve issues and speak from a place of compassion. this mercury retrograde in scorpio, especially, it can be easy to get caught up in black or white thinking or feeling slighted. give other people the benefit of the doubt and remember mistakes happen in order to be learned from. (from the guidebook), ask yourself: what am i supposed to be learning here and how can i make this situation better?

clarified by the four of cups in reverse, what i get from this is a few different interpretations. i feel someone who has been withdrawn from the world, caught up in introspection or perhaps avoiding dealing with reality or their problems. i feel someone who isn’t being honest about how their true feelings and instead, choosing to isolate themselves from someone or people who love them. i feel someone who needs to look inside themselves and meditate and be honest with themselves. don’t ignore synchronicities.

ultimately though, when four of cups comes up reversed, i see the end of a period of stagnation and apathy. because this is a clarifier of the strength card, perhaps we feel reinvigorated remembering our true power as spiritual beings. we can now seize opportunities and manifest our dreams into reality (full moon in taurus tomorrow, nov 12, is PERFECT for that)

then we have the the third card which is the throat chakra. the chakras are energy centres of the human body and when the throat chakra comes up: COMMUNICATE! speak your truth and be honest. speak from a place of love. know that what you think and say matters. express yourself, the throat chakra is also about creativity. do something artsy today, maybe something involving words. journal or write a poem. sing or listen to music. do some positive self affirmations! express gratitude!

clarifying the throat chakra, we have the three of wands. this is a card all about new opportunities and moving forward. this is a card that represents fresh starts and to embrace change. three is represented by the empress, a number and card of creation. your planning and hard work is paying off, but also remember to dream beyond limits and be flexible and and keep an open mind!

the three of wands also reminds us that the journey has only just begun. there’s still time to turn back, but not for long. any time i see this card, i think of that scene from lord of the rings: fellowship of the ring when sam says:

Sam:

This is it.

Frodo:

What?

Sam:

If I take one more step, I'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been.

Frodo:

Come on, Sam. Remember what Bilbo used to say: "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to."

speak your truth and be honest with yourself. you’ll never know how far it’ll get you or what opportunities could lie ahead

then we have the card emotional withdrawal in reverse. the border is green, signifying a connection to the heart chakra. this card is represented by the number 8, same as the strength card: passion, control and power. we need to use our courage and strength to continue our journey into this new beginning or undiscovered territory.

what i’m getting from this card is to be aware of emotional withdrawal. it’s good to take time for yourself as seen by the reversed four of cups, but don’t isolate yourself from the people who love you. these cards are actually similar to one another in my opinion. it’s okay to meditate on a situation and have alone time but as we already know, the only constant in life is change. you can’t emotionally withdraw and isolate forever.

with the number 8 here, it also means “infinity” so maybe you’ve felt stuck or like you don’t know how to get out of this withdrawed state. remember your inner power and to speak your truth and from a place of love (not fear) and everything else will follow. be in right alignment with yourself first.

clarifying emotional withdrawal, we have the five of swords. fives in numerology represent conflict. the five of swords comes up when there’s been a disagreement, falling out or conflict of some sort and you’re walking away with a sense of sadness or loss. feeling upset and resentful is also common with this card. you can feel like you’ve lost trust, dignity, respect, or company. the advice here is to PICK YOUR BATTLES

five of swords can also point out you may feel in competition. it’s not appropriate to win at any cost. someone else’s success does not equal your failure and certainly don’t try to bring other people down.

when the five of swords comes up in a reading it could be an invitation to apologise. brooding or trying to be right at all costs just makes relationships and situations all the more complicated.

because the five of swords is clarifying the reversed emotional withdrawal card, i’m sensing it’s an optimal time to properly apologise to people who you may have hurt or perhaps today you will be approached by someone who has hurt you (it is mercury retrograde after all). come out of your cocoon with emotional maturity and show you’re someone with integrity. learn from your mistakes and move beyond past mistakes and conflict into something new and brighter.

(gdi tumblr didn’t save my draft so i need to rewrite this part) then we have the fertility card (the empress) in reverse. again this deck isn’t meant to have reversals and when reversals do come up, just pay extra attention to it. i find it funny how i mentioned the empress earlier and boom here she is. so three is the number of creation, of taking an idea (the magician) and making it into a reality (the empress)

the empress is ruled by libra which is ruled by venus. love on yourself today and show yourself some self-care. indulge a little bit, treat yourself. take comfort in knowing the seeds you’ve sown and coming to and everything is going to work out. today and tomorrow are prime times for manifesting abundance.

hold yourself from a place of love and nurture your relationships. go out and connect with nature if you can today. growth is on the horizon and look at things you find beautiful today. things that give you pleasure, that make you feel love or good about yourself. care for yourself first and then show that care for others.

the empress is clarified by the sixth chakra, archangel metatron. honestly i know nothing about metatron so i’m not going to pretend i do. but the sixth chakra is the third eye chakra which is all about our inner guidance. follow and trust your intuition today and pay attention to your dreams tonight. clarity will make itself known today and you’ll likely have a spiritual download or realisation of some kind.

going back to the first card of this spread, transformation, the woman in the card made me think of having an epiphany. today something will click, the dust will settle, and what you need to know will be revealed. this card can represent a new beginning and a deeper insight of what’s been going on. this new beginning i’m feeling is tied to the realisation you’ll have today.

oh my god one card left

the last card is an affirmation for us all today:

“I find a deeper meaning and personal growth amid the discomfort.”

all in all today, despite uncomfortable situations or talks we may have today, ultimately these are the happenings that help us grow. we will never grow without changes or setbacks, without feeling out of our comfort zone. embrace the change and let go of negativity of the past. make way for renewal and beautiful transformations. the strength of our character will shine today. trust your intuition and go along for the ride.